Tag: Kyle Mooney

Bank Robbers

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Johnny… Bobby Moynihan

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Taran Killam

[Starts with a woman walking in the bank]

[Cut to people withdrawing and depositing money]

[Cut to Aidy screaming. The robbers run in with guns.]

Beck: Everybody listen up. [robbers open their masks] This is exactly what you think it is. So do us a favor and get down on the floor.

[Cut to everyone in the bank getting down.]

Johnny: [yelling] Ay, I said get down on the floor.

[Cut to Kenan scared but standing]

Kyle: Looks like this guy needs a little help. Johnny, get me a chair.

[Johnny brings a chair. Johnny and Kyle nicely helps Kenan to sit on a chair as he couldn’t get down because he was using mobility aid.]

Kyle: Alright, here you go.

Johnny: Wheels. Be careful.
Kenan: Thank you very much.

[the robbers get back to robbing]

Beck: Fine, this is how this is going to work. You do exactly what we say and we’re all going to have a real good time.

[Kyle jumps with his gun pointing at a lady who is still standing]

Kyle: What’s your problem?

Sasheer: [panicking] I don’t know. I’m sorry.

Johnny: Oh, no! Little princess ain’t in fairy tale land no more. Hey, do you want some water? \
Kyle: Sparkling or still?

Sasheer: What?

Johnny: He said sparking [reloads his gun] or still?

Sasheer: Still.

[cut to Kyle getting water from the filter for Sasheer]

Kyle: Okay. Gotta keep hydrated.

Sasheer: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Kate sitting down. Beck is walking towards her.]

Beck: Every banks gotta have a manager. Right? There she is. Come on, stand up. [Beck holds Kate and pulls her up.] You know the drill. Now, while I take your lovely manager back to the vault, I trust that there ain’t gonna be any interruptions.

[Cut to Johnny]

Johnny: And if we hear one little peep out of any of you, you’re gonna be spending the night at DG cemetery.

[Cut to a man hugging a boy. The boy lets his marble ball go. The ball rolls to Kyle. Kyle picks it up and walks to them.]

Kyle: Does this belong to you little boy?

[Cut to the man and the boy]

Taran: Do not hurt my son.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Oh, we ain’t gonna hurt him. We’re just gonna teach him a lesson. On how learning can be fun.

[Kyle wears a cap and starts teaching the boy]

Greetings, I am a union soldier. The year is Beck8KateJohnny and I am Beck9 years old. I am very hungry. And the winters are blistering cold.

[Cut to the man and the boy]

The boy: Wow, cool!

[Cut to Kyle]

[Johnny walks in with a hat]
Johnny: And I am a confederate soldier. On the battlefield, we are enemies. But at home, we are brothers.

[Cut to Aidy screaming]

[Kyle walks to Aidy]

Kyle: You think that’s scary? [Aidy was watching a movie on TV] Wait till you find out that she is actually– Wait! I’m going to ruin it.

[Johnny walks in with popcorn.]

Kyle: Hey, you need any butter?

Aidy: Yes, please.

[Kyle puts the butter on popcorn.]

[Cut to the vault. Kate is putting the money in the bag.]

Beck: I just realized, I know exactly what a girl like you needs.]

[Kate looking worried]
Kate: What?

Beck: Something like this. [Beck puts on a puppy pin on her coat]

Kate: Charlie!

[blasting sound]

[Aidy screaming]

[Cut to Johnny and Kyle. They popped the confetti blaster. They bring a cake for Aidy with birthday candles.]

Johnny: Surprise!

Aidy: How did you know?

Kyle: We stole your wallet!

[Beck comes in running]

Beck: Alright everyone. Thank you so much for your cooperation. And now, we finally get to finish this song and dance.

[The robbers put guns away and start singing and dancing]

Look I got the money, sorry if we scared you

now it’s time to go.

[Robbers point the guns again and walk out]

Holiday Baking Championship

Alex Moffat

Claudia… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Mitch… Eddie Murphy

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Holiday Baking Championship intro]

Announcer: We now return to the holiday baking championship.

[Cut to the show]

Host: All right, Bakers. It’s time to show your holiday creations to the judges. Today’s theme was Christmas past. You had to hours to make cakes based on childhood memories. First up is home baker, Claudia.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Hi judges, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Merry Christmas to you. Sweetie, why don’t you tell us what you made today.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: My cake is a tribute to my father who gave my daughter her favorite Christmas memory by taking her to see the movie Frozen. So my cake is beautiful Elsa made from peppermint sponge cake. And her hair do is made from over Host,000 braided strands of icing. And I’m not gonna ‘let it go’ because I want to win.

[Cut to Ego and Beck]

Ego: Wow. That sounds very ambitious. Let’s see your cake.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: With pleasure.

[Claudia reveals her cake. It looks horrible.]

Ego: Claudia!

Claudia: Yeah. Now that it’s in the light, I see that it’s bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Yeah, sweetie, it kind of looks like it has some kind of DNA problem.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: I would love to say that’s intentional.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: Well, let’s taste it.

[the judges take a bite]

Beck: Oh, is there garlic in this?

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Probably. At one point I blacked out and I started making pasta. Just forget it. It’s bad. I’m bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! That’s unfortunate. Next up is Mitch.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here. I want to say that you look so much more attractive in person.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Thanks. Who’s your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: My children have grown up in Napa. One of my favorite memory is playing video games on Christmas mornings. So cake is that speedy rascal Sonic the Hedgehog. It is made from royal icing and the shoes are made from hot cinnamon and the speed lines are red licorice.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Wow, really interesting flavor profile.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I only get one shot at this and I didn’t want to hedgehog my bets.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I love that you came to play. Let’s see it.

[Mitch reveals his cake. It looks horrible and its brown in color.]

Beck: Good god, Mitch.

Mitch: That’s bad. It’s gross. Real bad.

Ego: What went wrong?

Mitch: I think I just made a lot of bad choices. I mean in general in my life.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And why is it brown, Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I don’t know. Why is anything brown?

[Cut o Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Land are those human teeth in its mouth?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s correct. The teeth are human.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, hopefully things went better for you.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: No complaints. My Christmas memory is watching Frosty with my grandma. And here he is, all come to life.

[Sandy reveals her cake. It looks really good.]

So what do you think?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: That’s frosty all right.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? Hang on. My cake is definitely better than his. I mean, look. It’s on fire!

[Cut to Mitch’s cake. Its literally on fire.]

Mitch: Is that true? I think it is trying to kill itself.

[the cake is speaking something]

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: I’m sorry, Mitch. What is that language it’s speaking?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s some evil backwards devil talk. I believe I opened up a portal and I am so bad at baking.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Should we destroy it?

[Cut to Mitch’s cake speaking in old lady voice]

Mitch’s cake: No. Please don’t hurt me. I love you.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: What is that voice?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: It is in your grandmother’s voice to trick and you drag you to hell.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: That’s very disturbing. At least you took risks.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Excuse me?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Ralph. What is your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My favorite Christmas memory is Cinderella.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: That doesn’t quite make sense but let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. The castle looks like penis.]

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Festive but what are those things on the side?

[cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s her penis castle, of course. That’s where Cinderella goes when she’s tired from all the balls.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Well, we have another tough decision to make.

[Cut to Sandy and Mitch]

Sandy: That’s incorrect.

[Mitch’s cake speaks something]

Mitch: Thank you pal, we can still win this thing.

[Cut to Host]

Host: We’ll be back the judge’s decision right after this.

Cut for Time Aidy Bizzo & Lizzo

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Eddie Murphy

Michael Che

[Starts with three colleagues conversing]

Aidy Bryant: It’s so cool that Lizzo was on the show this week.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: I know, she’s so confident.

Kate McKinnon: She embraces her raw sexual power.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: We can do that?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Well, yeah! Lizzo does it because she knows she’s a Aidy Bryant00% that bitch.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah! Why can’t I be Aidy Bryant00% that bitch?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: Aidy! You are.

Kate McKinnon: Ah! You just got to know it like Lizzo does.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah!

[Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney walks in]

Beck Bennett: Oh! You guys talking about Lizzo again? Why can’t we just talk about Rock N’ Roll?

Kyle Mooney: Be cool man!

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Aidy, I like your jacket.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair] Oh! You like this?

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah! It’s cool. You look good.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

[music playing]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair again] Yes, I damn do! And I can see that you want to taste, don’t you, bitch?

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Hah?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Coz’ you know it’s edible, it’s incredible, and you want to dip your whole damn chip in it.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Aidy, I–

Aidy Bryant: Shh! Be aware. I ain’t no snack at all. In fact baby, I’m the whole damn meal.

[Cut to  and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: Aidy! Are you feeling okay?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, I’m feeling good as hell. Excuse me! [Walks out]

[Cut to Aidy Bizzo video bumper]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant in the changing room with Bowen Yang.]

Aidy Bryant: I can’t believe we’re doing this show with Eddie freakin’ Murphy hosting. I’m like, so nervous.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: You’re nervous? This is my only first season. At least he knows who you are.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: I don’t think that he does.

[Eddie Murphy walks in]

Eddie Murphy: Hey man! The TV in my dressing room is showing like, snow on all the paid channels.

Bowen Yang: Oh, Mr. Murphy! I’m not actually a maintenance man. It’s just my astronaut costume. But yeah, I can fix it.

[Eddie Murphy looks at Aidy Bryant]

Eddie Murphy: Wait a minute, Aidy! I was just telling Lorne how much I love you in sketches.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]
Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair] Sketches? Bitch I got my own show on Hulu.

[Cut to Eddie Murphy]

Eddie Murphy: Say what?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, I know you love this fat ass. It’s iconic.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: Aidy, you’re talking to a legend.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair again] Well, even legends go to church. So, you need to get to god and you need to thank him for my beautiful fat ass.

[Aidy Bryant walks away]

[Cut to Eddie Murphy]

Eddie Murphy: Um, god, I know it’s been a while. But I just want to say thank you for that ass.

[Cut to a video clip where Aidy Bryant posing to a song “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo.]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant at the back stage]

Michael Che: So, Aidy. I don’t know if you saw this new script, [Michael Che walks towards Aidy Bryant] but now your head explodes.

Aidy Bryant: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Uh-huh! [Aidy Bryant takes the script from Michael Che and throws it away]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Tell me though, when are you gonna let me smang it?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Aidy, I don’t know what that means.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: It means I’m going to sit on your dick so hard that you die.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Aidy, you’re married.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Che, you know I don’t play tag, because I’ve been in it. So, why don’t you take my number and you can go ahead and consider those your last rides, because I’m about to destroy your thing to death.  Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and Michael Che]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, by bitch.

[Aidy goes away on director’s seat]

[Cut to a video clip where Aidy Bryant posing to a song “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo.]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant twerking on her colleague’s desk.]

Heidy Gardner: Oh, wow! [Cut to Chloe Fineman and Heidy Gardner] She is really going hard.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant twerking]

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Heidy Gardner]

I guess Aidy is still Lizzo-ing, huh?

Chloe Fineman: I wonder how Lizzo feels about it.

[Cut to Lizzo laughing]

Aidy Bryant: Can I be honest about something?

Lizzo: Please bitch, you must.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Sometimes it’s really hard to have an earth shatteringly gorgeous ass. And I smanged Michael to death with it.

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: May he smang in peace.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Do you ever feel like you’re only 90% that bitch?

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: No. But maybe you’re burning the ass of both ins.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yes, totally. Is it me or are we best friends?

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: Yeah! I mean I’m definitely your best friend. And, that’s great for you.

Aidy Bryant: Oh yeah, totally. [Cut to Aidy Bryant] So, I’ll leave you alone.

Lizzo: Yeah!

Aidy Bryant: Thank you so much. Bye.

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: Bye bitch!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant outside]

Aidy Bryant: Lizzo and Aidy, best friends!

Cut for Time Holiday Gig

Treece Hinderson… Kenan Thompson

Spincer Newcheris… Eddie Murphy

Brad Dates… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three guys on stage performing music]

Treece Hinderson: Shoo boo boo doo boo, ooh.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello Mohawk valley. So great to be invited back up state to the Pine River Lodge for the holiday jam. I’m Treece Hinderson, and we are the Treece Hinderson Trio.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Spincer Newcheris nodding his head.]

Spincer Newcheris: We putting the funk back in Mohawk

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: That’s right, baby!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: That’s right. We have a very exciting line of music playing for you. And tonight marks the first night of Hanukkah.

[Cut to all the members]

Spincer Newcheris: The festival of lights.

Brad Dates: Love lights baby.

Treece Hinderson: Yes, we all do. [Cut to Treece Hinderson] Now, before we get started, could I get a pump of gorgons, just one small squirt of gorgon’s lotion. The air is very dry and my hands are trapped. Is there a gorgon’s? Anyone? Surely someone in the audience has some kind of emoluments. Anyone? It could be Burt’s Bees or Vaseline’s. No? Any Nivea? So no lotions? I’ve asked Treece Hinderson0 times and I’m treated to silence. Thank you very much. Let’s hit it.

[Cut to the band.]

[band starts playing music]

[Treece Hinderson is singing a song]

Treece Hinderson: Ladies and gentlemen, I would not be standing here without the incredible talent that you see behind me. Mr. Brad Dates on jazz clearing at. Brad, you’re Jewish, right?

[cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: I’m a secular humanist treece. [starts playing his trumpet.]

[Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: Oh, got it. And, sitting in with us tonight, dear friend and great roommate, Mr. Spincer Newcheris. Are you Jewish?

[Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Nah, man! My gem is uncut.  [starts playing his instrument.] Oh, yeah! Ow!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Hang on, are you okay? Are you in pain?

Spincer Newcheris: What? No, I was just feeling the music Treece.

Treece Hinderson: Oh! I’m sorry. I thought you were feeling pain from that physical problem you’ve been having.

[Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Oh, I don’t know if we’re going to talk about that right now. You know, the fans don’t want to hear about that, Treece.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: But, is it still going on? Have you seen a doctor?

Spincer Newcheris: I will when get some time, bro.

Treece Hinderson: What? I think the time is now. That should not be happening on a daily basis.

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: Boundaries, Treece. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

[Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: But this is his health.

Spincer Newcheris: Dammit, Treece. I’m a grown ass man.

Treece Hinderson: Well, blood shouldn’t be coming out of there ever!

[drums roll and band plays music]

[Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: How is everybody tonight?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Worried!

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

Treece Hinderson: You’re a little bit worried. But don’t worry. We will light the menorah at midnight.

[Cut to the audience]

Mikey: Actually you light it at sundown but no, not that. We’re worried about Mr. Newcheris’ health issue.

Heidi: We’re imagining the worst.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Now see that, Treece? You started these damn rumors now.

Treece Hinderson: It is not a rumor. You were screaming in agony this morning in the bathroom.

[Cut to the audience]

Mikey: I mean, is it a kidney stone maybe?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: We don’t know what it is because he won’t go to the doctor.

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: Treece, keep your eyes on your own paper, baby.

[Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: I could.

Spincer Newcheris: Ay! Treece! Drop it. [Cut to Spincer Newcheris] Unless you want me to tell them people about the bobby pins you wear up in your head.

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Well, that’s just so I can achieve the proper curl. Hit it!

[Drums roll]

[Band playing music]

[Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: [singing]

Hanukkah this, Hanukkah that
it’s getting cold out, put on your Hanukkah hat

[Cut to Treece Hinderson]

We hope everyone is enjoying the show. I’m not. Because of a friend’s stubbornness.]

[Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Treece, I swear. [phone ringing] Hold on a second, I got a call. [speaking on the phone] Hello. This is Mr. Newcheris. Dr. Bevins? No, I’m fine. Why do you ask? Treece called you? He sent you a sample of what? A sample from who? From me? Well, how did you get that?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Oh, oh!

Spincer Newcheris: You told him to drain my what from my where? In the night?

Treece Hinderson: Well, it was not fun for me. I’m surprised that you didn’t wake up. I had to gather it. There was a huge amount.

[Cut to Spincer Newcheris]

Spincer Newcheris: Oh, god! Man, I ain’t never coming to see you again. You sent my room mate into my bedroom while I’m asleep to take some of my personal water?

[Cut to Treece Hinderson and Spincer Newcheris]

Treece Hinderson: Ow!

[drums rolls]

[music playing]

[Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: Now, what is your plan? What happens next.

Spincer Newcheris: Hold on a second. I’mma tell you in private, okay? Everything is fine. I don’t have it no more, baby. Why you putting that mic up on my face?

Treece Hinderson: Oh! Because I wanted to share your good news. So, what happened?

Spincer Newcheris: I passed it in my sleep.

Treece Hinderson: On my pull out bed?

Spincer Newcheris: Yeah! Stop worrying about it, okay?

Treece Hinderson: But my new coyuchi sheets!

Spincer Newcheris: What about your coyuchi sheets?

Treece Hinderson: Well, did you put them into soak?

Spincer Newcheris: No, I just put the bed back together.

Treece Hinderson: Oh! My baby blue coyuchi sheets!

Spincer Newcheris: Hell with coyuchi sheets.

[Cut to Brad Dates]

Brad Dates: Treece, you should be happy, he’s feeling better.

[Cut to all three]

Treece Hinderson: I’ll be happy when I get some new coyuchi sheets.

[drums roll]

[music playing]

[Treece Hinderson is singing]

Treece Hinderson: Thank you!

Weekend Update: Baby Yoda

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che on his news set]

Michael Che: This week has announced a new line of Baby Yoda toys based on the character from the hit Disney Plus show, “The Mandalorian.” Here to comment is oh, my goodness, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Oh. Ooh. Aren’t you just adorable in your little space carriage? [Baby Yoda laughing] So, Baby Yoda, you’re quite the breakout star, aren’t you?

Baby Yoda: Oh. Oh. [starts humming and dancing] Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Oh, my goodness. Is he dancing?

[Baby Yoda is still dancing]

Baby Yoda: Ooh. Oh, oh. \

Michael Che: This is so cute, man!

Baby Yoda: [in adult voice] Yeah, you like that, Che?

Michael Che: I’m sorry, what did you say, Baby Yoda?

[cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: I said you like that? ‘Cause I am killing it. Woowee. I’m cute. Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: You can talk? You don’t sound a lot like a Yoda.

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: [in deep voice] Oh, sound like this I should?

[in normal voice] Ay, come on, man. That’s played out. Baby Yoda’s what’s popping right now. Hell yeah.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Wow! I guess you’re a little more self-aware than you let on.

Baby Yoda: Oh, come on man. It ain’t even like that.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Baby Yoda: But I’ve been blessed. I been blessed. People are liking the show. All the memes and the fans. Some sliding in the DMs a little bit. Yo, and I’m not saying nothing. But it’s been very—um—beneficial. And let’s just leave to that. [laughs like a baby]

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Oh. Okay.

Baby Yoda: Nah, but for real, me and the boys are having fun. [Cut to Baby Yoda] The squad is in the house. [Cut to a photoshopped picture] That’s me, Timothee Chalamet, Robert Pattinson, and the two guys from the “Sonic” commercials.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: That’s very cool.

Baby Yoda: Thanks, man. And you know, big thing coming for your boy.

Michael Che: Oh, really? Like, other projects?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Baby Yoda: Yeah, yeah, man. I got a clothing line coming out. It’s these dope three-fingered gloved called “Handalorians.” Plus I got the rap mixtape, the Reebok deal, the stand-up special with NETFLIX.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: You do stand-up?

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: I mean yeah! I basically just tell stories about who hooked up on Mandalorian set. Me! But yeah, it’s been a while. That’s the spirit. You know, I do have my haters though.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Really? You have any enemies?

Baby Yoda: Nah, man. It ain’t like that, but if I may. [Cut to Baby Yoda] Baby Groot. Do me a favor. Keep my name out of your little tree mouth before I snap you like a twig.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Scarlett Johansson Holiday Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Tweezel… Aidy Bryant

Nick Fury… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[band is playing music]

[Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johannson: Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be back hosting SNL for the sixth time. You know, the sixth time is even more exciting than the fifth because you’re not worried anymore. I mean, if the show is bad, what are they going to do? Fire my fiance? Oh, no, what will we do without his pay check? I’m also so happy to be here because it’s Christmas time. And I don’t know about you but I still believe in the magic of Christmas.

Tweezel: Well, that’s good to hear, Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, my god, it’s Tweezel! My old elf on the shelf.

Speaker 2: That’s right. It’s me and I hear you’ve been a very good girl this year.

Scarlett Johannson: Well, I certainly tried my best. That’s for sure.

Speaker 2: I’m sure Santa would want to—

[Tweezel slowly turns to dust]

Well—what is this?

Scarlett Johannson: Aidy! Your arm!

Speaker 2: Hey, hey—what the hell is happening?

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, no, Thanos. From “The Avengers” movie I was in. Not the last one. The one before that.

[Cut to Alex Moffat, Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd backstage]

Alex Moffat: No, no! [Alex turns to dust]

Chris Redd: Oh, my god. Mikey.

Ego Nwodim: I thought that was Alex.

ChrisReddRedd: It’s the same damn thing.

[Cut to 1]

Scarlett Johannson: My god! Am I gonna have to save everyone? I left my Black Widow costume in my car.

[Beck Bennet walks in]

Beck Bennett: Scarlett, what is this happening?

Scarlett Johannson: I think Thanos may have somehow returned and found the infinity stone.

Beck Bennet: No, I meant this monologue. This doesn’t seem super top call right? This is like the back-up monologue from the last time you hosted or something?

Scarlett Johannson: Okay, hey, Beck, I love you and it’s Christmas, but you just got to get out of here.

[Beck Bennett slowly turns to dust]

Beck Bennett: No. You need me. Who is going to play the dumb idiot?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner back stage]

Heidi Gardner: Cecily, thank god you’re okay. I think Thanos took Pete.

Cecily Strong: No, it’s just one of those weeks when Pete doesn’t show up.

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god! Look at Bowen.

[Cut to Bowen Yang turning to dust]

Bowen Yang: Wow, first Asian cast member. Now you’re dusting me? Twitter’s gonna eat you alive.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johannson: Bowen too? I have to stop this.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Ah! Michael! Oh, thank god you’re safe. But if you’re here, that must mean that Colin is—

[Colin Jost walks in]

Colin Jost: Hey. Don’t worry. I’m safe.

Scarlett Johannson: Hi, hey. What’s up?

Colin Jost: Well, I thought you’d be more, like, relieved to see me.

Scarlett Johannson: No, I am. No, it’s great.

Colin Jost: It just doesn’t feel great.

Michael Che: Well, I’m just going to head out.

[Michael Che leaves]

Scarlett Johannson: I’m sorry. It’s just, like, I’m focused on Thanos right now.

Colin Jost: Yes! Totally. I got to update stuffs anyway. It’s like saving the world too. Just on a smaller level.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Nick Fury: Natasha! If you gonna stop Thanos, you gonna need my help.

Scarlett Johannson: Sam Jackson, I mean, wait, what’s your name in the movie again?

Colin Jost: Nick Fury from S.H.I.E.L.D. Did you now watch the movies? [Scarlett Johansson is staring at Colin Jost] I’m just going to get out of here.

Scarlett Johannson: Why is Thanos doing this?

Nick Fury: It’s not Thanos this time. Somebody else has got Thanos’s glove.

[Cut to Pete Davidson playing with Thanos’s gauntlet on.

Pete Davidson: Yo, man! This is insane. I have to stop getting high and buying things on ebay. Half the people disappears. Sick, right?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Pete Davidson]

Kyle Mooney: So sick! And hey, thanks for getting rid of Beck for me.

Pete Davidson: Oh, no problem dude.

[Scarlett Johansson and Nick Fury walk in]

Scarlett Johannson: Pete, you have to stop this at once. Where did they all disappear to?

Pete Davidson: Peacock. It’s NBC’s new streaming service.[Cut to Peacock video bumper.] Peacock. Comedy starts here.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Scarlett Johansson and Pete Davidson]

Scarlett Johannson: Can you please bring him back? Please Pete? Just for Christmas?

Nick Fury: Please, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay, fine. I’ll bring them back.

Scarlett Johannson: No, Pete, you gotta snap it.

Pete Davidson: Oh. Okay. I didn’t see the movie.

Scarlett Johannson: Okay. Merry Christmas, Pete!

Pete Davidson: Oh, thank you. You too.

Nick Fury: So, Pete, taking a few shows off, are you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. You know, when you’ve been here as long as I have, you can do that.

Nick Fury: Really? Well, that’s good to know.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and all the SNL cast members on the stage]
Scarlett Johannson: Well, it’s great to have you all back. I just want to say, this place means so much to me. I have so many friends here, and I met the love of my life here. Merry Christmas. We get a great show. Niall Horan is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Hallmark Dating Show

Emily Cringle… Aidy Bryant

Lauren… Scarlett Johansson

Brian… Beck Bennett

Prince Simon… Alex Moffat

Nick St. Claus… Kyle Mooney

Prince’s friend… Chris Redd

Dad… Mikey Day

[Starts with Hallmark Channel intro]

Narrator: This is the Hallmark Channel. We make thousands of Christmas movies and gifts for teachers. Next up, it’s our all new “Holiday Matchmaking Show.”

[Cut to the show set]

[cheers and applause]

Emily Cringle: Hello, I am Emily Cringle and this is Hallmark’s Winter Boyfriend for Holiday Christmas. The only dating show from the makers of Hallmark Holiday movies. Let’s meet our bachelorette. She’s a New York six and a buffalo ten. It’s Lauren.

[Cut to Lauren]
Lauren: What’s that, boss? More work? On it. Hi, I have to write a bit article for the paper about how Santa isn’t real. The last thing I’m looking for is a guy.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Oh, we’ll see about that. Okay. Let’s meet our Hallmark holiday hunks.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Hi, I’m Brian from your home town. I work at a Christmas tree farm that might get bought out by googisoft computers unless we can come up with the money by Christmas.

[Cut to Prince Simon]
Prince Simon: Hello. I’m prince Simon of Caucasia. I’ve negotiated a peace treaty with our neighbors in Asstopia. The only problem is, I can’t sign it unless I’m married by Christmas.

[Cut to Nick St. Claus]

Nick St. Claus: Ho, ho, ho, Lo! I’m Nick St. Claus and I work one day a year. My co-workers are, how do I say this, a little short. I’m not Santa.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Wow, those are hunks. Lauren, whoever you pick will join you in the Hallmark gazebo suite where you’ll share a single dry kiss. So, who gets the first question?

Lauren: I’ll start with royalty. Prince Simon, I live in stock footage of New York city that still has the twin towers in it. But Caucasia sounds incredible. What is it like?

[Cut to Prince Simon]

Prince Simon: Well, there’s snowy mountains and we all have British accents, so you know, vague Europe.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Wow. That’s dreamy. Let’s to go Nick. My ex fiancé answered work emails on Christmas which made him the villain. Please, tell me you take Christmas off.

[Cut to Nick St. Claus]

Nick St. Claus: Yeah, that’s going to be a problem because I work in the gift industry. So, it happens to be my busiest time of the year. Ou!

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Okay. That’s Santa. Now, Brian, you’re always saying meaningful phrases and you’re afraid of fire. Be real with me. Are you a ghost?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: That’s right. I’m a hot ghost. And yes, my thing is invisible.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Well, that’s too bad.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Well, Lauren, any front-runners?

Lauren: Well, I’m leaning toward the prince but I want to get to know him better.

Emily Cringle: Well, then why don’t we bring in Simon’s friend, the one black person in town.

[Cut to everybody. Prince’s friend walks in.]

Speaker 6: Yo, yo, girl. I’m gonna break it down for you like this. The prince, he’s in love with you. Go get your man.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Thanks. What do you do over the holidays?

[Cut to Speaker 6]

Speaker 6: I clap when he kiss.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Well, what’s your name?

[Cut to Speaker 6]

Speaker 6: I-I-I- I don’t know. Christmas? Leave me alone. I don’t have a back story.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

[the bell rings]

Emily Cringle: Oh, and that chime means it’s almost Christmas. If you haven’t chosen someone to marry by then, Christmas is canceled. And the killer goes free. So, it all comes down to this final question.

Lauren: Bachelors, what is this? [Lauren shows a 9 step candle stand]

[Cut to the bachelors]

Nick St. Claus: Christmas fork?

Prince Simon: Santa’s trident?

Brian: A dreidel?

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Judges? Yep, we’ll allow it.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: yeah! I won! I won.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I just don’t know. To give up my job and my very gay friend in the city for things that are actually good like Christmas? And men? If only my dad were here. He always knows what to do.

[Dad walks in]

Dad: Hi, pumpkin.

Lauren: Daddy, you made it.

Dad: Christmas just have never been the same since your mother exploded.

Lauren: Oh, daddy, who do I choose?

Dad: Well, sweetheart, listen to the snow globe.

Lauren: It says choose Christmas? That’s it. I’ll marry Christmas.

Dad: Yes!

[Cut to Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: That’s right. The true reason for Christmas is husband. So, this has been A Winter Boyfriend For Holiday Christmas. I’m Emily Kringle from Hallmark reminding you, stay straight out there.

American Households Cold Open

Snowman… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Bowen Yang

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Heidy Gardner

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Greta Thunberg… Kate McKinnon

[starts with a cartoon picture of a snow man and the states map picture of the USA]

[Cut to the snowman]

Snowman: Well, well, well, it’s almost Christmas. And folks in America seem more divided than every. But if we listen in to some dinner conversations tonight, I bet we’d find out we have more in common than we realize. Now we can listen. I hacked into three nest home cams. Take a look.

[Cut to a home in San Francisco, California]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Cecily: I’m so happy everyone flew here for the holidays. And I’m even more happy that they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.
Melissa: Mom, come on. We said no politics tonight.

[Cut to Speaker 4 and Speaker 5]

Kyle: I don’t know what took them so long. Trump is a criminal.

Kevin: He violated the constitution. There has to be consequences.

[Cut to Speaker 3]

Melissa: Here we go.

[Cut to a home in Charleston, South Carolina]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Beck: Well, they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.

Mikey: Dad, stop.

Beck: I’m sorry, it’s a disgrace. What crime did he even commit?

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Heidi: I guess the crime of being an alpha male who actually gets things done.

Mikey: Okay!

[Cut to Chloe]

Chloe: The democrats lost the election. Now, they’re attempting a coup.

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Mikey: Alright, here we go.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Chris: Dad, come on. You’re going to rile everybody up.

Kenan: What? I’m just asking. Do you guys think “Bad Boys 3” is gonna be good or not? I mean, it’s got to be good. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence back together.

Ego: Yeah, but is Martin Lawrence still Martin Lawrence?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, you not too old to get a spanking! That’s Martin Lawrence you talking about.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I hate to say this, but can we please talk about politics, instead?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, you mean how Trump is definitely getting impeached and then definitely getting reelected? I’m good.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: I just don’t understand who on earth could vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Heidi: How could anyone not vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Who you think is gonna get voted off “The Masked Singer” next week? I think it’s the Fox.

Ego: You mean Wayne Brady?

Kenan: What? It’s obvious Jamie Foxx. Fox. Jamie Fox. It almost makes too much sense. I bet you Jamie Fox could beat Trump.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Dad, Trump’s not gonna win. People aren’t gonna vote for him again.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What people? White people? If white people tell you, “I might not vote for Trump this time,” You know what that’s called right? A lie. Nobody was gonna vote for Trump in 2016 either, and then guess who did? Everybody. Now see, you got me all worked up. I need drink.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Well, I just need to say this, okay? If Obama did half the stuff Trump did, he would be in jail already.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: The fact is Obama did way worse stuff than Trump ever did and they didn’t impeach him.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Can you believe they didn’t kill Obama? I thought they was going to kill him for sure.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Mikey: Guys, maybe we should put on some Christmas music to help everybody relax?

Beck: Maybe you’re right.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Alexa, play “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Alexa, play the politically correct version of “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Alexa, play “Santa Claus is coming to town by Michael Jackson.”

Chris: Dad!

Kenan: All right, all right. Play “Santa Claus is coming to town” by the Jackson 5.

Chris: That’s better.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: I mean, I don’t like all the democratic candidates but, I’d take any of them over four more years of Trump.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: I don’t agree with everything Trump is doing, but he’s way better than any of those democrats.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: You know who I’m starting to like a lot? That Pete Buttigieg. [everybody laughing]

Ego: Okay, okay, dad, that’s a good one.

Chris: You should have seen your face.

Kenan: You should have seen your face.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Oh, my god. I just got a notification. I tweeted a photo of Trump’s head on the body of a Charmin bear, and he didn’t realize it was a joke and he retweeted it. [laughing]

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Oh, my god, I tweeted that Nancy Pelosi was a libtard commie and Trump retweeted it and he nominated me to be a federal judge.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Oh, my god! Cory Booker just retweeted me and nobody noticed.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: Hey, why don’t we all say a secular blessing of thanks. Kevin, you want to lead us?

Kevin: I’d love to. Dear gender neutral spirits.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Dear white original American Jesus—

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Dear historically correct black Jesus.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Thank you for no more kneeling in the NFL. That was very hard for me.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Thank you, lord, for the not one, not two, but three black quarterbacks who have beat Tom Brady this season. Colin Kaepernick, you move in mysterious ways.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Thank you for the super bowl halftime show and that’s it.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Everybody: A-women!

[Cut to the snow man]

Snowman: Now, those three families may seem different but you see, they have one important thing in common. They live in states where their votes don’t matter, because none of them live in the three states that will decide the election. They’ll debate the issues all year long, but then it all comes down to a thousand people in Wisconsin who won’t even think about the election until the morning of. And that’s the magic of electoral college.

[Greta Thunberg walks in]

Great Thunberg: My name is Greta Thunberg. And I also have a Christmas message. In ten years, this snowman won’t exist. Her home will be a puddle. Santa, reindeer, the north pole, all of it, gone. The ice caps will melt and the elves will drown.

Snowman: Greta!

Greta Thunberg: What? You said keep it light. So merry, maybe our last Christmas to all and Donald Trump, step to me and I will come at you like plastic straw comes at a turtle. I cannot believe I’m saying this to a 70 year old man, but grow up.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Hip-Hop Carolers

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Sandra… Heidi Gardner

Jennifer Lopez

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

DaBaby

[Starts with three people in a Christmas decorated house]

Kyle: Yay, that gingerbread house looks amazing.

Alex:  Uh-huh, our best one yet, pal.

Heidi: All right, who’s ready for dinner?

[door knocking]

Alex: Huh, are we expecting someone?

Heidi: Ah! You know what? It is probably those adorable kids who come around singing Christmas carols every year.

[door knocking]

Alex: Wow! Anxious little guys.

[Alex opens the door]

Jennifer: Merry Christmas.

Chris: May we enter?

Alex: Wait, what?

[four unknown people enter the house]

Alex: Um, Sandra, [cut to everybody] are these the Carolers you were referring to?

Heidi: Obviously not.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Kyle: Are you guys going to rob us?

[Cut to the Christmas carolers]
Jennifer: No. We’re not robbers. We’re carolers.

Speaker 6: Hip hop carolers. Specially late 90s, early 2000s.

Chris: Yeah! Groups like Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, The Fugees, and City High.

Pete: Plus Christmas.

Chris: Now, I’m reading the room right now and I got the feeling some people don’t know who in the hell City High is.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Jennifer: But they ‘bout to know. [cut to the carolers] Hit it.

[music playing]

Speaker 6: Now, this song is about one very special Christmas boy.

[The carolers are singing about Home Alone movie]

Chris: What do you think about that?

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Alex: Am, I think you set up the song like it was going to be Jesus, but that was was about Kevin McAllister in Home Alone.

[Cut to the carolers]

Speaker 6: Right! My man gets it!

Pete: Donations! Donations! [Pete walks forward]

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Heidi: Just give them some money so they go away.

Alex: Sure, sure. Guys, that was dynamite. [Cut to everybody] Here’s 20 bucks. Okay?

Jennifer: We don’t do it for the money. [Cut to the carolers] We’ll take it though.

Chris: And to thank you, we’re going to give you another Christmas carol. Hit it!

[music playing]

[The carolers are singing about Home Alone movie]

[music stops]

Pete: Donations! Donations!

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Alex: Nah! I think you’re all set. Great job. Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the carolers]

Pete: Hey, don’t worry. We’re leaving.

Jennifer: After one more Christmas carol.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Kyle: None of these are Christmas carols.

[cut to carolers]

[music playing]

[The carolers are singing randomly]

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Heidi: Okay, no! Okay! [music stops] No! We’re not going to do this, alright? You guys did not even rehearse this one.

Alex: Hmm. Yeah, guys. Time to go.

[cut to carolers]

Jennifer: Most definitely.

Chris: Yo! DaBaby, you ready?

[Cut to everybody]

[DaBaby walks from the inside of the house with a black baggage]

DaBaby: Yeah, what’s up? I’m ready.

Alex: Sorry, who the hell is this?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: This is my boy, DaBaby. He’s been robbin yáll while we been caroling.

Kyle: You said you weren’t robbers.

Chris: We didn’t He did, for us!

[Cut to DaBaby]

DaBaby: Yeah, I’m like Robinhood. I rob the rich, and take it back to the hood.

Chris: Merry Christmas, y’all!

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Merry Christmas!

[the carolers leave]

Speaker 6: Hey, can I use yáll bathroom real quick?

Heidi: No. But it’s Christmas!

PottyPM

Man… Kyle Mooney

Woman… Jennifer Lopez

[Starts with a man trying to sleep at night]

Man: Do you ever find yourself in this situation? It’s the middle of the night and you’ve to go to the bathroom. But it’s so cold. You’ré tired. And the toilet seems just too far away. Are you going to try hold in it for the rest of the night?

[The man is looking at the toilet and nodding]

Well, you don’t have to anymore.

[Cut to the man introducing the product]

Introducing, Potty PM. Now, you can do your business while staying nestled under your covers. And the only place you’ll be going is dreamland. Potty PM technology is so easy to use. Just clamp our patented discharge nozzle to your toilet seat. Walk the Potty PM hose back into the bedroom. Place your privates into the Potty PM feeder. Buckle up and tuck yourself in for a good night’s sleep. When it’s that time, all you have to do is let it flow. Potty PM, it’s that easy.

[A woman joins the man]

Woman: And how does it work for women?

Man: What’s that?

Woman: Is that also for women?

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Good, ‘cause we have to go in the middle of the night, too. So how does it work?

[Cut to the man]

Man: You put the tube inside of your—

Woman: Inside?

[Cut to the man and woman]

Man: Isn’t there like a flap so you could like—

Woman: Excuse me?

Man: Is it the— clitoris?

Woman: What?

Man: The clitoris?

Woman: No, urine comes out of the urethra. You have one, too.

Man: Oh, yes, now I remember. Yes, the Potty PM for women would work, like, you, like, tie it. And then—because butt has nothing to do with it, right? Wait, how many holes does the girl have again?

Woman: You know what?> Maybe Potty PM is just something for guys.

Man: That’s okay?

Woman: Yeah! It’s fine.

Man: Potty PM. It’s just for guys. And girls can sleep on the toilet.