Tag: Kyle Mooney

Inside SoCal Is Art Gangster

Todd… Kyle Mooney

Casey… Beck Bennett

Eric… Pete Davidson

Emily Hyde… Kate McKinnon

Pat… Taran Killam

Carla Meunez… Cecily Strong

Sean… Bill Hader

Bobby Moyniham

[Starts with San Deigo County Public Access Television video bumper]

[Cut to Todd and Casey in their set]

Todd: Alright, I’m Todd.

Casey: And I’m Casey.

Todd: And you’re watching…

Casey: [whispering to Todd] Together on three.

Todd: [whispering] One, two, three.

Todd and Casey: Inside So Cal.

[Cut to Inside So Cal intro]

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright. So, our top story is our boy Ryan Tableton got married this weekend and a bunch of the boys went. I’m not usually into church or gods or whatever but I thought ceremony was super gangster.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Seeing two souls uniting as one.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Also, you don’t have to dance. Okay, now let’s do Health Minute with Casey.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.]

[Cut to Casey. There’s a white board behind him with a bar diagram]

Casey: Alright, so Matt new all got Vicatin and anyone can get it on that. That was a Health Minute.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.]

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Okay, so we got developing story. Apparently, Emily Hyde is like, super pissed at Pat right now. So, let’s go to Eric at the Lendwood house and see what’s going on. What up Eric?

Eric: What’s up, guys?

Casey: Wad up?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: So, I’m here with Emily and Pat. Emily, why are so mad at Pat right now?

Emily Hyde: Coz he sent pictures to my friends.

Pat: Yeah, but I don’t like them the way I like you. I just beat off to them.

Eric: Alright, well, so there you have it. As you can see, things are pretty real over here. Back to you folks.

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Casey: Now, it’s time for this week’s Ill Investigations with my boy Todd.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper]

[Cut to Todd in a restaurant]

Todd: Reherbata is one of my favorite restaurants. But why don’t they do the red salsa anymore? I had this chance to down with Carla Meunez who works here. Let’s see why they stopped doing it.

[Cut to Todd with Carla Meunez]

Where is the red salsa at?

Carla Meunez: Oh! Um, no–

Todd: I’ma boys love the red salsa.

Carla Meunez: [not speaking English] No, we–

Todd: What?

Carla Meunez: No, it’s no more.

Todd: You’re gonna bring back the red salsa?

Carla Meunez: [struggling to speak in English] Okay, no more. We don’t have no more. No more.

Todd: The red salsa used to be the best part of Reherbata. [Carla Meunez just walks away] Alright, I guess they’re not doing the red salsa anymore.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper]

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Next, our story on Lindsay Turell who cut her hair short over the summer, which looks good on her small head.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, which bring us to our Feature Story. When you think about art, you think like, “That’s something my dad likes”, or smarter people like. Michelle Grannis. But actually, art can be pretty gangster. So, we sent Sean out to tell us it’s gangster.

Sean: Blue, yellow, green, colors in art. But, how baller can art be? I’m here in a fucking museum to find out.

[Cut to Feature Story video bumper]

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: When they first started doing art, it was lot older. And they didn’t know how to make a pint. But then, it was more abstract and now you look at it and it’s way more, you know–

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You’re trying to say it’s more baller?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: You know, coz it’s like, you know– I play maden right? So–

[Cut to Casey confused]

Casey: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: A little refrigerator.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I think I get what you’re saying Sean. [looking confused]

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Alright, this has been Inside So Cal. Oh! Do you want to say the thing about your grandpa?

Casey: Um, yeah! So, my grandpa died and we were like, super close. But, I’d like to believe that even though he’s gone, he’s still with us.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Hey, what are you doing in my house?

Todd: Sorry, sir. I’m Todd.

Casey: I’m Casey.

[Todd and Casey stands]

Bobby: Now, get out.

Todd: Sorry sir.

Bobby: Get our of my garage.

Casey: We’re almost done. We’re sorry.

Bobby: Wee-wee-wee, You’re sorry?

Todd: That’s not how I sound sir.

Bobby: That is how you sound. [Bobby pushes Todd]

[They start fighting]

Poetry Lovers

Ashley…Sarah Silverman

Scott… Kyle Mooney

Brian… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Ashley reading a book ‘The December Generation’ in a park.]

[Scott walks to Ashley]

Scott: Hmm, the December Generation.

Ashley: Oh, this, yes. ‘The December Generation’, it’s a term–

Scott: [sitting down by Ashley’s side] That Jack O’Boyle used to describe a group of poets and artists from late 50s and early 60s.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Exactly.

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: Personally, I’m partialled at Christopher Patel.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Me too.

Scott: I love his poem ‘A Life Before’.

Ashley: The times we had,

the madness of it all

[Cut to Scott completing Ashley’s poem. They are staring at each other’s eyes.]

Scott: The dreams of life,

the truth we wear

Ashley: The fear, the pain and everything hereafter

[cut to Scott]

Scott: Leads to this moment.

Both: The life before.

Scott: I’m Scott.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Ashley.

[Cut to Ashley and Scott. 3 pops out of Ashley’s back]

Brian: Hey, man! Quit talking to my girlfriend like that. [Cut to 3] I’m gonna kick–

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: –kick my butt.

[Cut to 3 smiling]

[3 slowly stands]

Brian: Because I’m not gonna put up with little–

[Cut to Scott completing 3’s sentence.]

Scott: –pieces of turn.

Scott and 3: From planet Earth.

Scott: Scott.

[Cut to Ashley, Scott and 3.]

Brian: Brian.

[Scott and 3 shake their hands.]

In your–

Scott and 3: –worst nightmare.

[Scott and 3 smile at each other]

[Scott pushes 3 hard]

[Cut to many clips of 3 bullying Scott]

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: And then he made me eat this.

[Scott shows Ashley what he ate]

Ashley: Stinky Sue Supreme?

Scott: Yeah! [Scott burps]

Ashley: Brian, your temper’s out of control.

[Cut to 3 not talking back]

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: You’re nothing but an immature–

[Cut to 3 completing Ashley’s sentence]

Brian: –emotionally stunted–

[Cut to Ashley going on with her sentence]

Ashley: –self indulgent–

Ashley and 3: Child!

[Ashley and 3 look at each other smiling]

Brian: I’m Brian.

Ashley: Ashley.

Brian: Would you want to break up with me?

Ashley: I’d like that a lot. Sayonara–

[3 completing Ashley’s statement]

Ashley and 3: -sucker!

[Cut to Ashley carrying 3 and throwing him into the garbage.]

Worst Vet Office Ever

Cecily Strong

Chris Prtt

Kate McKinnon

Mrs. Taylor… Venessa Bayer

Mr. Sentoro… Bobby Moynihan

Mr. Thompson… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of animal hospital]

Cecily: Oh, my god! My hair is not doing what I wanted to do today.

[Cut to Cecily, Chris and Kate behind the counter.]

Chris: Me neither. My hair as dry as a little triscuit.

Kate: My hair is like soup on a plate. It just ain’t right.

Cecily: Okay, well, let’s get to work because if we don’t do it, it’s gonna do us.

Kate: Okay. Now, hand me my clipboard. Thank you. Mrs. Taylor?

[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]

Mrs. Taylor: Oh that’s me.

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: Now, you’re writing on your pet guinea pig, Mrs. Wonderful?

Chris: I can’t tell. I just love that name. And she has lived up to it Chris00%.

[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]

Mrs. Taylor: Thank you. Are they bringing her out now?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: They are ma’am. She will be out here in just a moment.

[Cut to Cecily and Mrs. Taylor]

Cecily: And we just want to let you know that when they do bring her out here, she will be dead.

Mrs. Taylor: What? Mrs. Wonderful is dead?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yes, ma’am. But please don’t worry. She did go very slowly.

Mrs. Taylor: She was here for a toe-nail trim.

Kate: Oh, we know. And her nails look great!

Chris: But she is dead.

Cecily: Okay, so I’m just gonna need to sign these papers.

Mrs. Taylor: Okay, what are these papers for?

Chris: It just says that your guinea pig died and that you know that.

Cecily: Okay, so right here it says, do you know it? We’re gonna need you to print the English word, ‘Yes’.

Mrs. Taylor: Well, can I at least say goodbye.

Cecily: Well, look at you. Of course you can. Come here. [Cecily hugs Mrs. Taylor] Oh, my gosh!

[Chris hugs Mrs. Taylor]

Chris: I’ll miss you so much.

Kate: Bye, bye now.

Mrs. Taylor: I don’t believe this.

[Mrs. Taylor walks away]

Cecily: I really like her. She seemed like a new person.

[Mr. Sentoro walks in]

Mr. Sentoro: Excuse me, hi. I just came to check on my parrot.

Kate: Oh, hello. Are you Mr. Sentoro?

[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: Yes, thank you so much for taking her on such short notice.

[cut to Kate and Chris]

Chris: Well, your parrot has been a dream.

Kate: Were you the one who taught her how to say ‘Pizza, pizza’?

[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: [laughing] I wish. No. She learned that from TV.

[Cut to Chris and Kate]

Chris: Cute. Well, she’s been saying that all day long.

[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]

Cecily: She has. Pizza, pizza. Those were her last words.

Mr. Sentoro: What?

[Cut to Chris and Kate]

Chris: Pizza, pizza. And then nothing.

[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: What do you mean?

Cecily: Your bird is dead and we need you to fill out this form.

Mr. Sentoro: How did she die?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: I’m afraid she was birdered!

Mr. Sentoro: What?

Chris: That is what happens when a bird is murdered.

Mr. Sentoro: This can’t be happening.

Cecily: I know. I am so sorry. Okay, so we just need you to sign this form. It says, “My pet was birdered and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Mr. Sentoro: This is the worst vet hospital I’ve ever been in.

Cecily: What? [Mr. Sentoro runs away] Well, I think he took that pretty good. Mr. Thompson, you waiting to see the doctor?

[Mr. Thompson walks in]

Mr. Thompson: Yeah. I think my turtle has a rash.

Chris: I can see it. Poor baby. Hey, I’m gonna take him to the doctor, okay?

[Chris takes the turtle away]

Cecily: I bet it won’t take long.

[Chris walks back in in with a hospital bed with Mr. Thompson’s turtle covered with a white cloth.]

Chris: Okay, we’re back, I just need you to identify the body.

[Cut to Mr. Thompson]

Mr. Thompson: What? My turtle is dead?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: Well, hang on. Let me see. [Kate knocks the turtle shell] I knocked and nobody is home.

Cecily: So, I’m just gonna need you to sign this form. It says, “They bundled my turtle in a little blanket and they gave it to me and I left.”

Mr. Thompson: I can’t believe my turtle’s dead.

Chris: Oh, believe it. [Chris throws the white cloth away and starts shaking the turtle.] Here you go.

Mr. Thompson: This is inexcusable.

[Mr. Thompson takes the turtle from Chris]

Kate: Well, at least you know he wasn’t turtered. That’s when turtles get murdered.

Cecily: Well, we know that. Alright, y’all. You know what? I need a drink.

Kate: Me too.

Chris: Me too, three.

Cecily: Okay, you know, you are crazy.

[Cecily, Chris and Kate wear hats and walk out.]

Chris: I know.

NFL intros

Jim Nantz… Beck Bennett

Phil Simms… Taran Killam

Derrick Watkins, Terrence White, Devin Peters, Kendrick Douglas… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Jeffries, Bart Doleman… Bobby Moynihan

Terry Pope, Lavar Washington, Jacob Reynolds, Abaskuul Sulemon… Jay Pharoah

Victor Naples, Jeffrey Wilkins, Donald Washburn, Barry Jenkins… Chris Pratt

Calvin Williams, Greg Watkins… Kyle Mooney

Marvin Ingram… Michael Che

Willie Sampson, Wendell Jones… Pete Davidson

Tim Stevens… Colin Jost

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas… Leslie Jones

[Starts with NFL intro]

[Cut to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. They are the show reporters.]

Jim Nantz: Hello and welcome to the NFL on CBS. I’m Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim.

Jim Nantz: Obviously, NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now, with the series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.

Phil Simms: But they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.

Jim Nantz: Accountability. That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet Baltimore Raven’s offense.

[Cut to Derrick Watkins]

Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. Assault!

[Cut to Kyle Jeffries]

Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Man slaughter!

[Cut to Terry Pope.]

Terry Pope: Terry Pope. Abort an assault rifle to a barbecue.

[Cut to Victor Naples]

Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch of stuff.

[Cut to Calvin Williams]

Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Lootering with an intent to murder.

[Cut to Marvin Ingram]

Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State University.

[Cut to Willie Sampson]

Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason.

[Cut to Jeffrey Wilkins]

Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution.

[Cut to Terrence White]

Terrence White: Terrence White. I od’ed on penis pills.

[Cut to Lavar Washington]

Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman. That’s federal, baby.

[Cut to Tim Stevens]

Tim Stevens: And I am the punter. Tax fraud.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Wow, certainly a different line than we used to see.

Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the team looks significantly different than they did last week.

Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.

Phil Simms: I notice that as well.

Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they receive for their offences?

Phil Simms: [speaking secretly] Well, no, there weren’t any. So were not.

Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panther’s defense.

[Cut to Jacob Reynolds]

Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club.

[Cut to Donald Washburn]

Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American taliban.

[cut to Wendell Jones]

Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine.

[Cut to Devin Peters]

Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford.

[Cut to Bart Doleman]

Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nothing yet, but I’m gonna.

[cut to Barry Jenkins]

Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship.

[Cut to Greg Watkins]

Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was in that cruise too. It was pretty fun.

[Cut to Abaskuul Sulemon]

Abaskuul Sulemon: Abaskuul Sulemon. Somali pirate.

[Cut to Kendrick Douglas]

Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.

[Cut to Mrs. Kendrick Douglas]

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife. I hit his ass back.

[Cut to Melvin McDonald]

Melvin McDonald: Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.

Phil Simms: So, let’s get you straight to the field for kick off. We’ll see you back here for the half time show featuring Chris Brown. And a very special tribute to Pacman Jones.

Jim Nantz: Yes, it’s the NFL on CBS.

[Ends with an outro]

He-Man and Lion-O

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Aidy Bryant

He-man… Chris Pratt

Lion-o… Taran Killam

Sister… Cecily Strong

She-ra… Ariana Grande

[Starts with a clip of blue house]

Kyle: A He-Man action figure? Just what I wanted. [Cut to the dining hall. Kyle and Mom are conversing.] Mom, this has been the best birthday ever. I almost don’t care that none of my classmates came to my party.

Mom: Aw! Well, [Cut to Mom] honey, growing up isn’t easy for anyone. At least, you have your toys.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah, but my toys can’t talk. Or sing my songs with me.

We are friends, who dream of love

[cut to Mom bringing a cake to Kyle]

Mom: Oh! Honey, maybe don’t do the song. Okay? Here, why don’t you make your birthday wish and mama’s gonna go up stairs and take a nap, okay? Please don’t bother me sweetheart. Love you.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I wish. I wish my toys were alive.

[Kyle blows the candle. The action figures come to life.]

[cheers and applause]

No way! My wish came true. Hi, He-man. I’m Danny.

[Cut to He-man and Lion-o]

He-man: Danny!

[Kyle points to Lion-o]

Kyle: And you’re Lion-o.

Lion-o: Okay.

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: You’re alive!

He-man: Danny! [He-man hits the utensils with his sword]

Lion-o: What is alive?

Kyle: Careful!

Lion-o: Danny, tell us what alive is.

[He-man hits the table with his sword]

He-man: Danny! Stop!

Kyle: Um, I thought this would be a woody and buzz lightyear thing, like, where you guys would know your worlds [Cut to Kyle] and — You guys don’t know anything.

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Lion-o: [pointing at Danny’s pants] Danny, what are those?
Kyle: These are pants.

Lion-o: Pants?

He-man: Pants? Danny!

Lion-o: Why don’t we have pants?

He-man: [pointing the cake with word] Pants?

Kyle: No, that’s cake.

Lion-o: Why is cake, Danny?

Kyle: You can eat it, see? [Kyle eats a piece of cake]

[Lion-o grabs the cake with his fist and eats]

Lion-o: I like cake.

He-man: Cake? [He-man takes some cake on his finger and eats it]

[Cut to Sister walking in]

Sister: Danny, mom is making me say Happy Birthday to you, so Happy Birthday, okay?

[Cut to He-man and Lion-o]

Lion-o: What was that?

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: That was just my sister.

He-man: I like sister. [He-man runs to the door and hits the door with his face. He doesn’t know how to open the door.]

[Cut to Kyle and Lion-o]

Lion-o: I feel good when I see sister. Bring back sister, Danny.

Kyle: You guys are supposed to play with me.

[Cut to He-man]

He-man: [screaming] I want sister! [He-man punches a hole through the wall]

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: Don’t do that.

Lion-o: Give us more cake, Danny. [Lion-o hits the chair] Ah! I touched this [pointing at his underwear] to that part and it felt good. Why?

[Lion-o touches his underwear by himself]

I like it. I like this, Danny. Do this.

[He-man starts touching Lion-o’s underwear, then Lion-o starts touching He-man’s underwear.]

This feels good, Danny. This is good. Good like cake, but different good.

He-man: Oh! This is good.

Lion-o: I want this with the sister.

He-man: Yeah, with the sister.

Lion-o: Where is sister, Danny?

Kyle: Her room’s down the hall.

He-man: Down the hall. [He-man runs through the wall]

[Cut to Kyle and Lion-o]

Lion-o: Now, give me more cake.

Kyle: Hey, there might be some more in there.

[Lion-o pulls the fridge door out and trows it away.]

Lion-o: There is no cake, Danny.

[He-man runs in again]

He-man: Cake?

[Cut to Lion-o]

Lion-o: Did you find sister?

[cut to He-man]

He-man: I found other sister.

[She-ra runs in with a sword]

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Wow! She-ra, you’re alive too?

[cut to She-ra]

She-ra: I heard you guys were doing this!

[Cut to everybody. Everyone except Kyle is touching their underwear.]

Kyle: Can I have a birthday hug?

She-ra: I don’t like hugs. I like this.

[She-ra starts swinging her sword at the stuffs on the table. Then, He-man and Lion-o also start destroying other things.]

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Hey! What is going on in here?

Kyle: No, it’s not my fault, mom. I made a wish.

[Cut to Mom. He-man and Lion-o walk close to Mom]

Lion-o: Mom?

He-man: Hair!

Lion-o: I like mom.

He-man: I like mom too.

Mom: Oh, my sweet meats. Danny, you may have blown out the candle, but mama’s wish done come true. Do you two want to see our hot tub?

He-man: Hmm, hot tub?

Lion-o: Yes, mom! Hot tub. [Lion-o starts touching his underwear again] This feel good mom!

Mom: Oh, I know. And She-ra, come on! I know you’re a freak!

[Cut to everybody leaving but Kyle.]

Booty Rap

Vanessa Bayer

Alberta… Cecily Strong

Sheryl… Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Chris Pratt

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ladies sitting in a restaurant.]

Vanessa: I am so happy we came out tonight.

Alberta: Girl’s night.

Everybody: Woo!

Sheryl: Um, oh my god! Look at that guy. [Cut to four men on bar booth.]

Vanessa: Oh, he’s cute, Sheryl.

Sasheer: You should go talk to him.

Sheryl: Gosh, I could never. Like, what would I even say?

Alberta: Oh, come on! You’ve seen music videos and movies. You know how to flirt.

Sheryl: Gosh, you’re right Alberta. I’m gonna go.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

Hi.

Todd: Hi.

Sheryl: I’m Sheryl. I don’t know how to do this. I’m nervous I guess.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

I’m hot, sticky, gooey and I’m ready to pop
po-put my gushy on your tushy and then spin on the top
with my big fat ass
you know you want it, it’s my big fat ass

Okay, bye.

[Sheryl runs to her friends.]

Was that okay? How was that?

Alberta: You seemed very horny and loud.

Sheryl: That’s good, right?

Vanessa: I think so.

Sheryl: I just– I wish I knew what he was thinking.

[Cut to the men at the bar booth]

Beck: That girl’s so into you. Go back and talk to her.

Todd: Dude, you know me. I don’t know how.

Kyle: Just be confident, like all the guys you see, in that swag.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I’ll give it a shot.

[Todd walks to Sheryl]

Hi.

Sheryl: Hey!

Todd: Gosh! I’m so nervous.

Sheryl: Me too.

Todd: You know, I just have to tell you, you make me feel like…

[Todd starts to rap]

dang, girl, I wanna bang that thing
bang, did you go insane?
Go to plow through your panties
like I’m running on diesel
when I open up my jeans
say “Pop goes the weasel”
Pop, pop, goes the weasel
pop, pop, pop, goes the weasel

Alright, bye.

[Todd walks back to his friends]

Bobby: Hey, Todd. Hey, did you just say, ‘Plow through your panties like I’m running on diesel?’

Todd: I guess so.

Bobby: What does that mean?

Todd: I guess, like, I’mma truck that speed through her panties.

Kyle: Wow, really great. Girls love that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sheryl: And then he told me that he would open his jeans and then I’d say, “Pop goes the weasel.”

Alberta: Very cool, Sheryl.

Sasheer: Go back over there and talk to him.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

Todd: So.. urgh! Tell me about yourself.

Sheryl: Okay. Well I went to Wesley and I double majored in women studies.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

And my big fat ass, ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass
oh, my god! Look at my ass
Look-look-look at my ass
ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass.

What about you? Like, what kind of girls you’re into? You know?

Todd: Um, I guess it’s tough. I guess I’d say I like girls who…

[Todd starts to rap]

drop the ass low, shut the hell up
drop the ass low, shut the hell up
free-free-free-free

You know, I mean, that kind of stuff.

Sheryl: Yeah, that sounds neat.

[Sheryl runs to her friends]

Guys, he said he like girls who shut the hell up.

Alberta: That’s not good, Sheryl. You’re a feminist.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kate]

Kate: But he also mentioned asses and you have one of those.

Vanessa: Am I the only one who thinks Sheryl is hitting the ass stuff a little too hard?

[Cut to the ladies]

Sheryl: But honestly, like, what else do girls even say?

Sasheer: Talk about your family.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

So, I have one brother.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

He’s nine year’s Mikey and he looks like a Viking
he’s got some junker in his trunker so they say he look like me
because I got a big fat ass

[Alberta comes in]

Alberta: Chill! You’re back on the ass stuff again.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Alberta leaves]

Why don’t you tell me more about you?

Todd: [rapping] My name’s Todd and I like that bob
when I bounce that bubble on a curtain raw
when I put at them biscuits, clap them
we can smoke some crack
crack-crack-crack-crack everybody.

[Bobby comes in]

Bobby: Hey, Todd. You’re not gonna smoke crack with this lady, are you?

Todd: Is that what I said?

Bobby: Yeah!

[Bobby walks away]

Sheryl: Listen, Todd. I just I want you to know that, um, I’m down to…

[Sheryl starts to rap]

flirt and slurp,
I know you like it when I flurt my wurp

Todd: What were those words?

Sheryl: I don’t know. I just like you a lot.

Todd: Ow, would you like to go on a date sometime?

Sheryl: Oh, ya. I’d love to. I’ll make sure I’ll bring my

[Sheryl starts to rap]

big fat ass
and I will pump it like a…

[all the ladies and gentlemen join by dancing]

Sheryl and Todd: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Bad Boys

Tyler… Kyle Mooney

Ben… Beck Bennett

Maxie… Chris Pratt

Robbie

[Starts with Tyler with his carpenter tools hanging a framed on the wall]

[Tyler turns around and the canvas falls]

Ben: Please, don’t quit your day job.

[Cut to Maxie walking in the door]

Maxie: [sighs] Hey, Ben. Hey Tyler.

[Cut to Tyler walking forward]

Tyler: Hey, what’s up with you?

[Cut to Maxie]

Maxie: I guess I’m just having trouble making friends outside.

[Cut to Tyler and Ben]

Tyler: What? But you’re nice. If people don’t see that, then they don’t deserve to be your friend.

[Cut to Mirage Diner. Maxie rides his bike past three kids.]

Robbie: Hey! You go pretty fast.

[Cut to Maxie]

Maxie: I like to ride my bike fast.

[Cut to the kids]

Robbie: You wanna be part of our group?

[Cut to Maxie and the kids]

Maxie: Sounds cool. Thanks for letting me be a part of your group.

Robbie: No problem.

[Cut to Tyler sticking the frame with tapes.]

[Cut to the kids walking in the door]

Robbie: Is Maxie here?

[Cut to Tyler and Ben]

Tyler: Yeah, he’s in his room.

[The kids walk pass Tyler and Ben]

Robbie: Hey, that’s a really nice ball.

Ben: Thanks.

Robbie: Check you later, dudes.

Tyler: Check you later, dudes?

Ben: You’re not gonna let Maxie hang out with him, are you?

Tyler: Maxie is his own person. He’s not gonna be influenced by boys like that.

[Cut to Maxie walking in dressed up like the kids.]

Tyler: Maxie?

Maxie: We’re going outside.

[Maxie and the kids walk pass Tyler and Ben.]

Tyler: Hey, just make sure you come back by 9 o’clock for your favorite TV show.

Maxie: No problem. Check you later, dudes.

[Maxie leaves with the kids]

[Cut to Tyler and Ben some time later]

Ben: Worrying is not gonna bring Maxie home any sooner.

[Cut to Maxie comes home]

Tyler: Where were you?

Maxie: Listen, I’m sorry I’m late. Me and the guys ended up going to the park.

[Cut to Tyler]

Tyler: I called the park. They’ve been closed for two hours. You missed our favorite show. I’m not gonna let you hang out with Robbie anymore.

[Cut to Maxie]

Maxie: Hey, listen! You can’t tell who I get to hang out with. [Maxie walks away to his room] This is a fight! [Shuts the door]

[Cut to Maxie and the kids in the hall listening to rock music.]

Maxie: Hey, Ice, wanna play ball?

[Cut to Maxie]

Maxie: I wish. I don’t have a ball.

[Cut to Robbie]

Robbie: I think where we can get one.

[Cut to Maxie. There’s a ball behind him.]

Maxie: You wanna steal Ben’s ball?

[Cut to Robbie]

Robbie: I’m not gonna steal his ball. You are. [Robbie shows a gun in his buckle]

[Cut to Maxie taking the ball. Maxie and Maxie start playing the ball in the hall.]

[Ben walks in and looks at all of them]

[The kids run away.]

Maxie: Oh, hey, Ben. Is this your ball?

[Cut to Ben. He looks upset and doesn’t reply]

[Cut to Maxie]

Maxie: Ben, I need to talk to you. I knew that this was your ball.

Ben: I get it Maxie.

Maxie: I didn’t wanna steal it. But it’s just so hard to say no to my new friends.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: You mean the friends who just ditched you and left you hanging out to dry?

[Cut to Tyler walking in the house]

Tyler: Hey, Ben, Maxie.

[Cut to Ben and Maxie]

Maxie: Hey, Tyler. You were right about Robbie. [Cut to Tyler, Ben and Maxie] I’m sorry about our fight.

[Cut to Tyler]

Tyler: Thank you for opening up to me. The fight is over.

[Cut to Ben and Maxie]

Ben: Okay.

Maxie: Cool

[Ends with outro]

Shark Tank

Cindi… Aidy Bryant

Kevin O’Leary… Beck Bennett

Barbara Corcoran… Kate McKinnon

Daymond John… Kenan Thompson

Mark Cuban… Taran Killam

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi… Kyle Mooney

Abdul Rakim… Chris Rock

[Starts with Shark Tank intro]

Announcer: Welcome back to the Shark Tank where hopeful entrepreneurs try to grow their business with investment from these self made millionaires. Before the break, Cindi from Tulsa tried to win over the two remaining sharks with her Breakfast Pastas.

[Cut to Cindi in the show]

Cindi: So, sharks. Whether it’s pancakes alfredo or spaghetti’s benedict, why not jazz up your morning with Cindi’s breakfast pastas and pancakes?

[Cut to the sharks]

Kevin O’Leary: Nausiating, I’m out.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: I like your product. But the only thing I eat for breakfast is a single vitamin and two diet cokes. I’m out.

[Cut to Cindi]

Cindi: I am ruined.

Announcer: Cindi goes home with nothing. But will the sharks bite this time? Next in the tank, it’s Abdul and Ibri, with an idea they say will revolutionize the world.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Hello sharks. I am Ibraham Al’Bagdadi.

Abdul Rakim: And I am Abdul Rakim. And our organization is called ISIS.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We started with a simple question. How do you read the world of the filthy western pig and the vile Jew?

Abdul Rakim: Now, just a few years later, our small hateful perversion of Islam has grown into a multinational brand.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: But there’s just one problem. ISIS is growing, TOO FAST. Our resources are too thin. And we need your expertise to help manage our growth.

Abdul Rakim: We are seeking 400 million American dollars in exchange for a Cindi% stake in our new kingdom. So, who is ready to invest in crushing the west?

[Cut to Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: Back up. You just gave yourself a evaluation of $Daymond John0 billion. How are you getting that number?

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: Well, Mark Cuban, we are making $Mark Cuban million a day on stolen oil.

[Cut to Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: Wow. Now that is interesting.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: Okay, first of all it’s taking a lot of courage to look you in the eye. And I like that about you. But here’s my problem honey, I’m hearing ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, but your pamplets say ISIL. You’re lacking unified brands.

Kevin O’Leary: Barbara’s right and I don’t need a pamplet. I need numbers. You say you’re growing fast. Show me.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: For you Mr. Wonderful, of course. Alwajj! [Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and a map]

Abdul Rakim: This map shows our land holdings.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We now control this entire region of unusable land.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: Okay, so what’s so special about your Islamic states? What’s stopping me from going out and doing the exact same thing?

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Wait, wait, wait. Back up a minute. How have you managed to grow this fast?

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Two things, Daymond. A crack social media team and good old fashioned, word of bullet.

Abdul Rakim: By the way Daymond, we are prepared to make your clothing brand Fubu the official retailer of the Islamic states.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: I’m listening.

[Cut to Daymond John and Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: No, no. Hold on. Just a second, Daymond. When numbers seen too good to be true, they usually are. Genocidal regimes are very tricky business. I’ve been burned before. For that reason, I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and the other presenters. The other presenters are putting guns at Mark Cuban]

Abdul Rakim: Stay calm. Stay calm. Mark cuban, surely you can reach a deal with us. You can sign if you can sign Dirk Lewinsky for $25 million.

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: Okay, here’s where I’m at boys. We gotta talk about this logo. I mean, honestly guys, it looks like it was drawn in Microsoft Paint.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Barbara, we have heard this before. That’s why we kidnapped a graphic designer and chained him to an iMac. Take a look at the new Isis. Alwajj!

[They show the logo of ISIS. The logo has a chameleon.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Come on, man.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Funny gecko, yeah?

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: I’m sorry. It takes more than a logo to win Mr. Wonderful. I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: May you turn and burn to death with dogs.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: That’s the fifth time I’ve heard that today.

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: You know what? I like you guys. You’re savvy. Your numbers are amazing. But there’s only one thing holing you back and that’s everything you stand for. I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: May you only have daughters]

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: You know, you remind me of the bad guys in the bible.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: Daymond, you’re our only hope.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Well, you know what? I knew I was going to make money with you guys the second you walked into the tank today.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Both: Yes?

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Because that’s when I called homeland security to collect your $30 million bounty.

[Cut to everybody]

[Police enter the show]

Police: Freeze! Drop your weapons.

Barbara Corcoran: Nice played, Daymond.

Daymond John: Thank you very much.

Barbara Corcoran: Very good.

Dance Vlog

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy Pascalis… Kyle Mooney

Dad… Chris Rock

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Jannele starting her youtube video]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, A.K.A. Nasty-nelle, A.K.A. Janelle. And I’m pumped to bring you my Dad00th dance tutorial. Shoutout to whoever started that countdown to my Janelle8th birthday. Don’t know what that’s about but whatever. We’re live streaming today, so holla at me in the comment section. And holla at my best friend, he’s one of my day ones. His name is Teddy Pascalis, A.K.A. Pants Gets Wets.

Teddy Pascalis: Nobody calls me that anymore.

Janelle: Yes they do. Anyway, we’re gonna learn the Nae Nae today. A move that came from early African dance, or Miley Cyrus.

[Teddy Pascalis walks in front of the camera]

Teddy Pascalis: Yes, and just so you guys know, dancing is one of my biggest fears. Right after spiders and my older brother Dyan. But I’ll do it for you. [stares at Janelle] I’ll do anything for you.

Janelle: [not noticing] I know, you say it everyday. Okay, [music starts] in order to Nae Nae, [Janelle and Teddy Pascalis stand to dance] you gotta put one arm up like this, right? Teddy, put a little higher. Now, start moving your hips. It’s real easy. All right, get in there. [Janelle is dancing but Teddy Pascalis is just moving his body.]

[Dad opens the door and enters the room]

Dad: Hey, hey, Janelle. You’re Janelle5 now. You cannot have the door closed. And there’s a boy in your room. Dad! Oh my god! [music stops] He’s not a boy. He’s just Teddy.

Teddy Pascalis: Yeah.

Janelle: Can you please leave? It’s live streaming.

Dad: Oh, I’m not going anywhere. Your brother told me you’re up here dancing on the internet.

[Michael peeking from the door]

Michael: I did. I told on you. Ooh! You in trouble. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Dad: Michael! Go sweep the driveway.

Michael: Dad! That’s not even a real chore.

Dad: What’s all this?

Janelle: Those are my fans, dad. They are just commenting on the video.

Dad: Okay. [Dad comes close to the computer] Who is Nuggettugget9-5, and why is he saying, “#woodbang”? What the hell is fap? I’m fapping. She makes me wanna fap. Michael! [Michael runs in] What’s fap mean?

Michael: Um, it’s what you caught me doing in my bedroom and we still haven’t talked about it.

[Michael runs out]

Dad: What? Hey, no fapping!

Janelle: Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my just my friend.

Teddy Pascalis: I love you.

Janelle: Argh! Dad, can I just finish doing the Nae Nae?

[Janelle starts dancing a little]

Dad: That’s too grown!

Janelle: Okay fine. I’ll show you guys the copperhead. It’s easy. It’s like a standing push up. I barely even move.

Dad: I’m watching you.

[Janelle is showing how to do the copperhead]

Teddy! Keep your hands out of pockets!

Janelle: Okay, let’s try with the music. [music starts and Janelle starts the move]

[Janelle starts to shake her butt turning back]

Dad: No, no, no, no! [Dad runs to the computer and starts pressing random buttons on the keyboard.]

Janelle: Dad!

Dad: What’s happening? [He turned the video black & white]

Janelle: Dad! You’re changing the filter. Dad! Stop it!

Dad: Janelle. Either you don’t realize how much your body has matured over the summer, or you’re literally trying to kill me.

Janelle: Dad, there’s nothing sexy about that dance.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Teddy, stand up!

[Teddy is sitting with a pillow covering his lap to stomach.]

Teddy Pascalis: No, thank you sir.

Janelle: What dance am I supposed to do, dad? This is a dance vlog, and it means everything to me.

Dad: Okay, I’ll show you what dancing is. Put on some song.

[Janelle plays a music]

[Dad looking at the camera] No fapping!

[Dad starts dancing]

See Janelle? This is dancing. Whoo! [Janelle starts dancing like her dad] Get it! There you go!

[Janelle slowly starts moving her body differently and then dances her own dance.]

Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Janelle: I can’t help it, dad. This is what my body wants to do.

Dad: Do you want me to send you to Catholic school?

Janelle: Oh, my god! Dad! You ruined this for my 3 million viewers. I hate you.

[Janelle walks out]

Dad: 3 million? Teddy go home.

Teddy Pascalis: Still not a great time for me to stand up sir.

Dad: Oh, Teddy! [looking at the computer] How do you turn this thing off?

[Dad presses a button and changes the filter again.]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I look crazy. The show is over.

[Live stream on YouTube ends.]

GoProbe

Jamie Fordyce…Taran Killam

TY Brown… Kyle Mooney

Rawson Silver… Beck Bennett

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a picture of GoProbe]

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce with a surfing board wearing a surfing suit]

Jamie Fordyce: I’ve been doing this for long time, and there’s never been a camera like GoProbe.

[Cut to video clips of Jamie Fordyce surfing on the ocean waves]

[Cut to TY Brown with his skateboard]

TY Brown: Goes where you go, sees what you see.

[Cut to video clips of TY Brown skateboarding]

[Cut to Rawson Silver with his skiing board]

Rawson Silver: Is there anything GoProbe can’t do?

[Cut to video clips of Rawson Silver skiing]

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce]

Jamie Fordyce: I’ve had adventures all over the world, but when I turned 40, that was a whole new adventure.

[Cut to TY Brown]

TY Brown: I’m not scared to do a 960, but one thing that does scare me is my family’s history of calling cancer.

[Cut to Rawson Silver]

Rawson Silver: That’s why I use Go-Pro. [Cut to commercial shot of GoProbebe with it’s subtitle- ‘For Colonoscopy’]

Narrator: The first GoProbe camera for colonoscopies.

[Cut to Rawson Silver jumping around in a hospital]

Nurse: You ready sir?

Jamie Fordyce: Yeah, Drop in.

[Nurse starts the colonoscopy process]

Ouch!

[Cut to TY Brown lying down in a hospital, raising his legs upwards]

Doctor: Put your legs down sir.

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce in a hospital doing his colonoscopy]

Jamie Fordyce: Now, if I’m not bleeding or boarding, every six months, I’m splunking.

[Cut to Rawson Silver in mountain]

Rawson Silver: This ain’t your grandpa’s colonoscopy.

[Cut to old black&white video where they’re using huge filming camera for colonoscopy.]

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce on a beach]

Jamie Fordyce: You’ll be so stopped by the crystal clear picture, you’ll almost forget there’s a camera Rawson Silver feet up your butt.

[Cut to Jamie Fordyce, TY Brown and Rawson Silver drinking beer on a sofa watching TV]

Narrator: And, you can take the footage home and mess around with it.

[Cut to TY Brown at skateboarding park]

TY Brown: Plus, the 4k resolution makes the diagnosing problem hell simple.

[Cut to the doctor and Rawson Silver in the hospital]

Rawson Silver: Sick!

Doctor: Yes!

[cut to the GoProbe video bumper]

Narrator: Go deeper! GoProbe.