Tag: Melissa Villaseñor

New Orleans Vacation | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Phil…Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Dierdre… Heidi Gardner

Raynolds… James McAvoy

Beck Bennett

Waitress… Ego Nwodim

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John are sitting in a restaurant]

Aidy: It’s almost one o’clock. I don’t think they’re coming.

Phil: Should we just call it a night?

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Whatever, let’s just go.

Dierdre: Hey.

[Cut to everyone. Dierdre and Raynolds arrive.]

Raynolds: Hello, my sexies.

John: Dierdre, Raynolds. We’ve been waiting for hours.

[Dierdre and Raynolds arrive take seats]

Dierdre: Sorry we’re moving so slow. [Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds] We just got back from N’orleans.

Raynolds: You know, like a gator down bourbon street.

Dierdre: Blame N’orleans.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. N’orleans, no.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: When you’ve been in N’orleans, the slow gets inside you and it sticks to your bum

Raynolds: Like N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I grew up in New Orleans and I’ve never heard of N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Have you all been to N’orleans?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Aidy: He just said he was from there.

Phil: Yeah, you were there for two days.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Oh my god, you got to go to N’orleans. It is filled with juice and jazz and trumpets and tiny tiny little cry-daddies.

Raynolds: You put pass in the swamp and that’s N’orleans in a nutshell baby.

[Cut to everyone]

John: Can we get the check?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Even the mosquitos, they shed shay through the N’orleans air.

Dierdre: And when they bite you, you don’t go ‘ow’, you go ‘OH!’

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Is that true Phil?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. Not at all. They’re just mosquitoes. When they bite you, you say ‘Ow’, not ‘Óh’.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Deirdre, I’ve already told these guys, but John and I are expecting a child.

[Cut to everyone]

Dierdre: Oh, that’s nice. [Not caring about the news] Hey, sexy, why don’t you tell them the story.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Which one baby? The one about N’orleans?

Dierdre: Yeah, the N’orleans one, okay. How we went to an authentic N’orleans voodoo ceremony?

Raynolds: Okay. Kit-kat. So check this. We’re just shuffling down bourbon street to the temple of the city when this red-headed woman beged us to follow her down a dark alley.

Dierdre: And she was completely topless. Her boobs swung wide. One pointing east, one pointing straight up.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: Up? Straight up?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Very nice. Anyways, she goes like this. And you know, this in N’orleans means the same as this does in America.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: New Orleans is in America. We’re in America right now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Barely, baby. N’orleans is it’s own bag, Jack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No, no, no, no. That’s got to stop now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: So we follow this voodoo priestess to the ritual area at the back of an alley.

Raynolds: Soon we were completely surrounded by a group of N’orwilians who made us place all of our valuables into a ceremonial bag.

Dierdre: It looks like one of those American bags you put trash in.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: A trash bag?

Dierdre and Raynolds: : No. A ceremonial sack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: So, this ceremony required your jewelry, watches and money?

Raynolds: Correct-o-mundo papa.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Yeah. If you’d ever been to N’orleans, you’d be familiar.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I lived there.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Then you must have had the jumbo.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: Jumbo?

Raynolds: Sorry. I mean the Gumbolaya.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Okay, anyway. We knew it was an authentic voodoo ritual, because when we finally came to, everyone and everything disappeared.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: So in a nutshell, you were being gross around New Orleans. Then you were robbed by some junkies, got hit over the head and woke up after they ran away.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Authentic N’orleans magic, baby.

Dierdre and Raynolds: The true N’orleans born and raised experience.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: OH, Uber’s here.

[Cut to everyone.]

Phil: Yeah, our friendship has been terminated.

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John stand up and leave]

[A waitress walks]

Dierdre: Oh, excuse me. Do you have those little N’orleans fans?

Waitress: No.

Another Brothers | Season 44 Episode 11

Mrs. Johnson… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Johnson… Mikey Day

Mom… Cecily Strong

Dad… James McAvoy

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Jared… Beck Bennett

Spencer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Super Bowl announcer’s sound coming out of a house]

Mrs. Johnson: Listen Dave. [Cut to six adults sitting inside the house watching Super Bowl] Thank you so much for inviting us to your Super Bowl party.

Mr. Johnson: Yeah. And seriously, these potato skins are insane.

Mom: OH, please.

Dad: We love having you.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, well. I’m just here to keep his eyes off those cheerleaders.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, no promises.

[Cut to everybody laughing] [Spencer and Jared are fighting upstairs]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

Mr. Johnson: What was that noise?

Mom: Oh-oh. That’s our boys, [Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Dad and Mom] acting up ever since I got remarried.

Dad: Hey, you guys, ya’ll want to meet ‘em?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mrs. Johnson: Sure.

Dad: Hey, boys, [Cut to everybody] come out down here and make the Johnson’s.

[Jared and Spencer come downstairs fighting]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Spencer and Jared]

Spencer: Stop hitting my nuts!

Jared: I’m not hitting your nuts!

Spencer: Get of my nuts!

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys. Now, come on. What’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Sorry, sir.

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Am I going to have to tell you again? Am I going to have to turn this hose on you and blow you again? Or ya’ll goin’ be good boys?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: We’ll be good boys, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mrs. Johnson: You keep a leaf blower in the house?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well yes. Otherwise they’d be all wet.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Okay, boys, now come say hello to the Johnson’s.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared: Hi Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. My name’s Jared. I play basketball.

Spencer: I’m Spencer. I’m younger than him, but I made all stars.

Jared: No, you didn’t

Spencer: Yes, I did. Coach told me.

Jared: You’re a liar!

[Spencer and Jared starts to fight again]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys, now, this behavior is unacceptable.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Yes, sir, we’re sorry, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Spencer, come show the Johnson’s a campbell’s what you’ve been working on?

Mr. Johnson: Actually, we kind of want to go now.

Mrs. Johnson: Did you two know about this?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I think we blocked it out.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Yeah, we definitely chose to forget.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, this is my touchdown dance. [Spencer starts to dance]

Jared: What? That’s my touchdown dance. [Jared starts to dance with Spencer]

Spencer: You’re not even doing it right!

Jared: I’m doing it perfect!

Spencer: Oh yeah? Explain this. Ow! Mr. and Mrs. Johnson this is the dance. Right?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Jared: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson is this a dance?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer dancing]

Spencer: Which one of the touchdown dancers Mr. and Mrs Johnson?

Jared: Is this the dance Mr. and Mrs. Johnson?

Spencer: That’s not the dance. [Spencer carries a chair and hits Jared with it]

Jared: You’re dead! [Jared grabs Spencer’s shirt and throws him into TV breaking the TV] Live from the Super Bowl, it’s my brother! He broke the TV. [Jared jumps over Spencer]

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well, that’s the last time, dammit. Ya’ll are embarrassing us in front of our company.

Jared: Sorry sir. He started it.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared:  Oh, I’m stupid? Well, they tried to abandon you. Dad, tell him.

Spencer: Wait, what?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Oh, god.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

Jared: Go on, dad. Tell him what happened.

Spencer: Dad—what’s he talking about?

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well—you know Spence—you know how you were an accident?

Spencer: Yeah.

Dad: And your mama and your first daddy weren’t planning on having a second?

Spencer: Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: Why do you talk to him this way?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, Spence, after you were born, she put you up for adoption, but the family that adopted you, they brought you back.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: So – so there was – there was nobody that wanted me?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: No. But you were meant to come back to us, sweetie. And every day since has been the best day of our lives.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: That’s right, son. Now, why don’t you give each other ten apology kisses.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer and Jared: Aw, yes, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: But why, though?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing nine times]

Mom: Hey. [Cut to Mom] That was only nine.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing one more time]

Spencer and Jared: Aw. Good night Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

[Cut to everyone. Spencer and Jared are running upstairs]

Spencer: Go!

Mom: Well, sorry you guys. I think the TV might be broken.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, your son’s head went through it.

[Cut to everyone]

Dad: Hey, ya’ll want to go upstairs and watch with the boys?

Everybody: No.

[Dad runs upstairs]

Deal or No Deal Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 10

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

President Trump… Alec

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Melissa Villaseñor

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Steve King… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Starts with intro of Deal or No Deal]

Narrator: And now it’s time for “Deal or No Deal”. Government shut down edition. With your host, Howie Mandell!

[Cut to the host on the stage. The host turns around. He is Steve Harvey, not Howie Mandell]

Steve Harvey: Sorry about that, players. I’m sorry. It’s me, Steve Harvey. Howie’s out sick. He’s a germophobe. But yesterday I was like, “Come on, Howie, shake one person’s hand”, and he shook it. Two hours later, Ebola. I’m sorry, you were right Howie. Alright now, our government has been shut down for like a month. I spent two hours yesterday at TSA yesterday in Atlanta. They thought I was smuggling extra teeth in my mouth. Let’s bring out the guy who said he would own the shut down. He’s the president, and we’ve both got neck ties long enough that would get caught in a roomba. Please welcome Donald Trump!

[Cut to the stage. Steve Harvey is standing and Donald Trump walks in] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks Steve, tremendous to be here. Just tremendous.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, earlier today you went on the TV and you told the American people that you want to make a deal.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, so we decided to do this in the only format that you can understand, a TV game show with women holding briefcases. Alright, [Cut to Donald Trump] now in your briefcase here, you’ve the deal that congress offered you in December.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: And I said no deal. [Donald closes the button] [Ring]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. Nobody’s excited about that player. What was your counter offer today?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I want $5 billion for my border wall, and in exchange I’ll extend DACA, and I’ll release the kids from cages so they can be free-range kids.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Well, let’s see the members of congress that are willing to offer you a new deal so this nonsense can go away.

[Cut to people with briefcases standing in two rows]

Alright, [Cut to Steve and Donald] what do say, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Five.

Steve Harvey: You want to open briefcase number five?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, I’m saying a lot of these women are fives.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: On the day of the women’s march.

Donald Trump: Okay, [Cut to Donald Trump] then I choose case number three. Fancy Nancy Paloser. I’m still working on the nickname.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: That’s a great start player. Okay, speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi. Nancy, how are you feeling tonight?

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Just normal. Not like drunk on my own power or anything. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now you rejected the president’s offer this afternoon.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Well, I’m afraid I did which is a real shame because I hate saying no to you, Mr. Trump. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. I’m scared. Let’s see what’s in the briefcase, Nancy.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Okay. [Nancy opens the briefcase] $1 billion, and you say Nancy is mommy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, $1 billion for border security. That’s a lot of money.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, but it’s not $5 billion, and I need $5 billion because that’s the first random number I said. [Cut to Steve and Donald] No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Nancy walks to Donald on stage]

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no. [Cut to Nancy and Donald] We’re still fighting Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: My god, you almost gave me a heart attack.

Nancy Palosi: I’m sorry, Mr. President. If the government’s shutdown you can’t do the state of the union. It’s for security reasons, not because I’m vindictive or anything.

Donald Trump: I can’t do the State of the Union. Then guess what? You’re not flying to Afghanistan.

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no! I can’t go on my vacation to a war zone? What will I do?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Boy, this is like watching two grandparents fighting over the thermostat. Alright Nancy, you had your chance. Donny, let’s pick another one please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’ll take that older Jewish woman on case four.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer holding his briefcase]

Chuck Schumer: Oh, that’s okay. I’m very happy for any attention.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay Chuck, show what is your offer?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: Okay, my offer is, [Chuck opens the briefcase] whatever you want.

[Nancy walks to Chuck]

Nancy Palosi: Chuck, we’re not going that anymore. Remember we’re not caving like that.

Chuck Schumer: Oh right, yeah, [Nancy leaves] projecting strength. Okay. Let me put on my fiery red cheetas. Okay, my new offer is $15 and a pastrami on RYE.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay, “Deal or No Deal”, Mr. President. And remember, every time you choose no deal, a half a million federal employees work another day without getting paid.

Donald Trump: Cool story bro. No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man. Well, speaking of getting paid, I need to thank our sponsors tonight.

[Cut to a picture of Green Beef]

Green Beef. Yeah, shouldn’t be green, but ain’t nobody at the FDA there to inspect it.

[Cut to picture of an old lady swimming in an ocean with a tube]

And also, Old Lady in Inner Tube Way Out in the Ocean. Getting the coast guard will be back soon. Hang in there Beth.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Alright, let’s pick again player.

Donald Trump: I sure will, player.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, hey, it don’t work both ways. I ain’t Kanye.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I will go with case nine, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s playboy Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell trying to hide behind his briefcase]

No Mitch, you can’t just disappear in the middle of this. Come on now. Poke your head back out your shell. We got a nice little juicy piece of lettuce for you. [Cut to Steve Harvey] Well, he ain’t going to be much help Mr. President. But I have to ask, who are you playing for tonight?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’m playing for a little charity called Habitat for Hannity. [Cut to picture of Sean Hannity] It helps Sean Hannity build a second beach house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man, let’s just pick another number.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let’s go with five, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Okay. [Cut to Maxine Waters holding her briefcase] That’s congress woman Maxine Waters.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: As I’ve said many times before, Maxine is a very low IQ person.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Uh-huh. Well, just a reminder I can now subpoena your tax returns whenever I want.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Like I said, she’s a genius, beautiful, a true missionary.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Yeah, that’s what I thought mother.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, why don’t you choose again?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s on case 8? Is that Cardi B?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez holding her briefcase]

Steve Harvey: Um, no player. That’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: That’s okay. Trump and the GOP are just terrified of me because I’m under 100 and I know how to use Instagram. I mean just look at Mitch McConnell, he is already “Bird Boxing”.

[Cut to Mitch McConnel blindfolded]

Mitch McConnel : I can hear the girl. Stay away.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just open three cases real quick and get this over with? Cory Booker?

[Cut to Cory Booker. He opens his briefcase. It’s written “Booker 2020”]

Cory Booker: Booker 2020.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, my god, not another one. Congressman Steve King from Iowa.

[Cut to Steve King. He opens the briefcase. It’s written “Whites”]

Steve King: Whites.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, at least the guy is consistent. Alright, wait a second. This time it is Cardi B.

[Cut to Cardi B holding her briefcase]

Cardi B:  This ain’t my business, but [Cardi B opens her briefcase] sh-money.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, you know what? This government going to be shut down for like a year. Let’s take a quick break.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, wait. I want to open the case from the Clemson football player.

[Cut to Pete wearing Clemson jersey and holding a crave case]

Steve Harvey: Okay. That’s not a briefcase. That’s a crave case from white castle.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’d still like to have them opened Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Okay fine. Open the case please.

[Cut to Pete . He opens the crave case]

Pete Davidson: Hamberders.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: Oh, Steve. I haven’t eaten a hamburger in almost 15 minutes. I’m going to make that deal. [Donald hits the deal button]

Steve Harvey: What? You are ending the shut down for a hamburger? Well I guess that makes as much [Pete walks to the stage and hands over the base to Donald Trump] sense as anyone going on these days–

Steve, Donald and Pete: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Christmas Ornaments | Season 44 Episode 9

Husband… Kyle Mooney

Wife… Melissa Villaseñor

Drunk Santa… Beck Bennett

Good Will Hunting ornament… Matt Damon

Harry Potter… Mikey Day

Souvenir from Cleveland… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Barb… Aidy Bryant

The Angel… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of house in Christmas]

Husband: There it is. I love this one, [Cut to husband and wife decorating Christmas tree inside their house] drunk Santa. This baby’s going front and center.

Wife: Oh, come on babe, drunk Santa is tacky. This is a classy tree.

Husband: Okay, sorry. Drunk Santa, you’ve been sentenced to the back of the tree. [Husband places the Drunk Santa at the back of the tree]

[Cut to ornaments at the back of the tree]

Drunk Santa: Wait, wait, wait, wait, where am I! [Talking over each other] Why am I back here with all of you?

Souvenir from Cleveland: All of us losers? The d-listers? Face it, Fish, you’re one of us! [Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland] The ornaments that are only seen by the wall. I’m your peer now. Take a good look at me! I’m a souvenir from your trip to Cleveland. You heard that right, Cleveland. And greeting singular from Cleveland, I was clearly bought at an airport. I’m head to toe nudes and when you lose, you lose. I’m back here with the freaks, and the fuglies, and now you are too.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament]

Drunk Santa: But I’m funny.

Souvenir from Cleveland: Ha-ha! You all hear that, he’s funny! Fool, you’re tacky, and tacky goes in backy!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: But I was in front of the tree once.

Good Will Hunting ornament: So was I, fish, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] years ago. And for your consideration promotional “Good Will Hunting” ornament. Yeah, cause that makes sense. “Good Will Hunting” screams Christmas. [Cut to Drunk Santa confused] And get this, I can talk too. You want to hear that sound like with [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] 20 year old batteries?  [In dead battery voice] “How do you like them apples?”

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, no, I don’t like them at all!

Good Will Hunting ornament: What, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] you don’t think it’s fair? On the back of me, you know what it says? It says, “Happy holidays from the Weinstein company”. Yeah, that holds up. [Cut to Drunk Santa] I’ve aged about as well as Rudy over there.

Drunk Santa: Who’s Rudy?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Me, a Rudy Giuliani Ornament from 2001. I still don’t understand why I’m back here. I’m America’s mayor. Did something change?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Yes, you see that Fish, you got to accept you’re back of the tree material now. Don’t be like Harry Potter, who refuses to accept that. Since the back of his quidditch broom broke, he looks like he’s doing something nasty.

[Cut to Harry Potter. It looks like he’s holding his penis in place of the broom]

Harry Potter: Be quiet! I look like I play quidditch, and nothing more!

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland:  You look like the cover of a “Harry Potter” porno!

[Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter:  No, I don’t. And when they get me a new broom, I’ll be back on the front, you’ll see!

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Potter’s got the most dangerous thing you can have back here, hope.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, Fish. You should give up, like Barb.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Barb, who’s Barb?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Kill me!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh god, what is she?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Beats me. Kid brought her home from Kindergarten, and said I made a Christmas and that’s all we know.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Barb, what the hell even are you?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Barb is dead. You call me what I am. You call me Macaroni turd.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament][Someone starts to sing]

Drunk Santa: What is that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani:  That my fiend, is the angel.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: She’s a destroyed ornament kept for sentimental value.

Souvenir from Cleveland: She used to be the angel, [Cut to the Angel facing sideways] living large up on top of the tree. And then a light bulb melted off her damn head. [The Angel turns her head. Her half head is melt.] She’s never been the same since.

[The Angel sings in a horrible voice]

[Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter: She sings us to sleep ever night. The anthem of the ugly, the hymn of the hideous.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Let me be the first to say greeting from the back of the tree.

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Macaroni turd could be a friend to you.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, god, I can’t believe I’m going to spend my Christmas back here with you people.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Believe it Fish, you’re one of us now. [In dead battery voice] How do you like them apples?

Soccer Broadcast | Season 44 Episode 15

Peter Toppman… Mikey Day

Jeremy Feathers… Alex Moffat

David Kooseman… Idris Elba

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Rose… Melissa Villaseñor

Will Hutchins… Beck Bennett

[Starts with intro of Premier League Football by Sky Sports]

Narrator: Sky Sports presents Premier League Football. Manchester United and Arsenal.

[Cut to Peter Toppam and Jeremy Feathers in their program set]

Peter Toppam: Welcome to our prematch coverage. Peter Toppam announcing today alongside Jeremy Feathers here at Emirates stadium.

Jeremy Feathers: And a special guest joins us in the booth. He’d normally be on the pitch for Arsenal. But a nasty ligament tear last week put him on the injured list. So, he’s trying his hand at announcing.

Peter Toppam: Hand. Yellow card.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, you snitch.

Peter Toppam: Making his broadcast debut, arsenal defender, [Cut to David Kooseman] David ‘the bruiser’ Kooseman.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: All right. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, as you are a man of few words. Fans have rather cheekily nicknamed you Dumb David.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: Now, I think you might be a secret intellectual.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Nah.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Alright. Tell us David, how’s the leg?

David Kooseman: Which one?

Jeremy Feathers: Well, the leg you injured David, how is it?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It’s injured, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Yes. Any idea when we can expect you back on the field again?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah. When my leg’s better.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, we wish you a speedy recovery. In the meantime you’re here with us. Feels a bit different in a suit and tie on, rather than your kit. How does it feel?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It feels a bit gay.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right, don’t say that David.

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, well, Arsenal’s defense has been playing catch up and we saw a good example of that last week against Tottenham. [Cut to video clip of the match] Harry Kane on the attack [The video clip pauses] and look at Arsenal’s defenders. [Circling two defenders] One behind the play, one trying to get in front of it. David, anything to add?

David Kooseman: Yeah. [David adds to drawing of two circles into a penis]

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Come on. David, come on.

Peter Toppam: You’re a grown man, David. Well, lots of supporters in the stadium today including [Cut to Anna in the audience] Arsenal star Roy Milleroon’s wife, Anna.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, there she is now, ready to cheer on her husband.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: That’s gross David. That’s your team mate’s wife.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: He smashes all the girls on the road. He can’t be mad if I nob his wife.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Don’t say that, David. Okay. Anna, of course, [Cut to Anna and Rose] joined today in the stands by her mum Rose.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that too.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right. Wish you had not said that. Because next to Rose [Cut to Rose and Alicia] is your wife David, Alicia.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: She’s a good bird, faithful.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right, yes. Well, now our player to watch this week is Arsenal striker [Cut to player screen with Will Hutchins] Will Hutchins coming off three straight matches of Stellar Play. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, David what are your thoughts on your teammate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, he’s got a good knob for a white guy. I’ll tell you.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Don’t say that.

Jeremy Feathers: It’s inappropriate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I saw it in the shower. Massive. Good for him man.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Well, Arsenal has the working out for them today. Man United of course. Quite a tough squad to beat.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Yes. David, let’s say you’re the coach of the Arsenal.  What do you say to the boys before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, yeah, I’m not the coach, though, am I?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Right, but pretend you are, what do you say to the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry, lads, the coach is dead, and I’m the coach now.”

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Don’t worry about justifying why you David are the coach. You just are. Let’s try this. I’m an arsenal player. Give me a prematch pep talk.

David Kooseman: You couldn’t play, [Cut to David]  you’re too small, look at you.

Peter Toppam: All right, [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] let’s say I am on the team. What would you say to me before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry mate, I have to trade you, because you’re to small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Forget me, let’s say it’s Jared.

Jeremy Feathers: Yeah, I’m on the team. Now, what do you tell me before kick off?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say, “Sorry I had to trade your mate because he’s too small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, let’s just scrap the coach scenario.

Peter Toppam: You’re no longer the coach, you’re David, what strategy do you give the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, now, that’s the coach’s job, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, David, we’re thrilled you’ll be joining us here for the next 10 games.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, yes, and coming up [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] the Pizza Express Look Around the League.

David Kooseman: I think pizza express tastes like an old man’s diaper.

Peter Toppam: All right. That’s the worst one yet David.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, David. No. Stay with us.

Family Feud: Oscar Nominees | Season 44 Episode 13

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Spike Lee… Don Cheadle

Glenn Close… Kate McKinnon

Sam Elliot… Beck Bennett

Olivia Colman… Cecily Strong

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

Bradley Cooper… Kyle Mooney

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Mahershala Ali…Chris Redd

[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro with celebrities in the program set.]

Narrator: It’s time to play Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve walks in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Now, welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. I never won an Oscar. I do got an EGOT, as in he got a lot of buttons on this jacket. All our contestants today is up for Oscars. We got film veterans [Cut to team Veterams, who are Spike lee, Glenn Close, Sam Eliott and Olivia Colman] versus movie newbies [Cut to team Newbies, who are Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper, Rami Malek and Mahershala Ali].

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

All right. We were gonna do a team of all black woman nominees, but Regina King is on vacation. On the veteran side, he’s nominated for director of “BlacKkKlansman”, Mr. Spike Lee.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Brooklyn in the house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You think you’re going to win, Spike?

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Come on, Steve, I bought season tickets to the New York Knicks every year for the past 25 years. You think I like winning?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh snap. You funny. You like a little Black Leprechaun. All right, next from “The Wife” is Glenn Close.

[Cut to Blenn Close]

Glenn Close: Don’t you touch me. You come here week after week with your lies and cheap suits. Pitting family against family. Well, guess what, Steve. I’m tired of feuding. I’m tired. I’m kidding. I’m very well. Thank you.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That was weird. I think you trying to get an Oscar for best performance on a game show. All right. Next, he is nominated for “A Star is Born”, Mr. Sam Elliott.

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Real nice to be here Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, what you going do if you win that Oscar Sam?

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Well, I’ll probably sell it and get my necks fixed. Damn thing won’t stand up right.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you like a barbecue sauce commercial came to life. And from the movie “The Favor You Like” is some lady named Olivia Coleman.

[Cut to Olivia Coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Hi, actually “The Favorite”. It’s British. I’m Olivia. A very celebrated English actress. Played two queens– I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed at the moment. I’ve been celebrating my two Golden Globes. None of you know who the hell I am. I can do or say whatever I want. So I really love it. Oh, whee!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you are cheeky little crumpet. All right. Let’s go to the newbie side. She’s a singer nominated for best actress and she was named by a baby. It’s Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you. It is such an honor to be on the feud. If 99 people are surveyed, you just need one person to believe in you to win the game.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, I don’t think that’s how it works.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: It works if you dream it. [Starts singing]

[Bradley Cooper joins Lady Gaga]

Bradley Cooper: Isn’t she great?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bradley Cooper. What you doing on the newbie side?

[Cut to Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: He has to be with me. It’s a rule.

Bradley Cooper: I saw this woman at the Superbowl halftime show and had this wild idea. I thought, maybe she could play a singer.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you thinking outside the box. All right. Next, he’s nominated for “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Mr. Rami Malek. [Cut to Rami Malek. Rami has no expression.] Congratulations, Rami.

Rami Malek: Thanks. I’m so surprised.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, you look surprised, player. Your eyeballs look like they ‘bout to make a run for it. And finally, he’s nominated for the ‘Green Book’, it’s Mahershala Ali.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: Wonderful to be here.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, I got a question about the last scene in your movie where the white guy teaches the black guy how to eat fried chicken.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: That wasn’t the last scene Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: It was for me. Let’s get two players up here. Let’s go.

[Lady Gaga and Spike Lee walks to the buzzer to start the game]

Lady Gaga: Spike, I adore your films. I’d love to be in one sometime.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Oh, that’s so nice. No.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed. Top six answers on the board. Everybody gotta look their best for the Oscars. Name something you do when you want to look sexy. [Lady Gaga hits the buzzer first] [Beeping] Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: I feel sexy when I’m on stage and I make the face of a lion that’s about to pounce. Like this.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Hmm, okay. Show me stroke face. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Not up there. Spike, you gotta answer.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: If I want to do sexy, I put on a romantic movie.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Oh, that’s nice. Like what?

Spike Lee: “Roots”.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me getting freaky to the wrong stuff. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing]Oh, it’s up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Number three answer. All right. Y’all got the board. [Cut to team Steve Harvey and team Veterans] Okay, Glen Close, something you do when you want to feel sexy.

Glenn Close: Don’t touch me. [Cut to Glenn Close] You want to know what’s sexy? A woman in her prime. A woman who has stories written in the lines of her face. You look right passed me. Don’t you? Well, one day you’re gonna look up and I will be long gone. I’m just kidding. Lingerie, maybe?

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay, show me queuing up the scenery. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not there. I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] Sam Elliott, something you do to feel sexy.

Sam Elliott:  Well, [Cut to Sam Elliott] I can’t really say. Maybe I’ll put on a clean barn jacket and comb mustache.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: You know, I never thought that I would be intrigued by another man mustache, but that thing is a specimen. I’ll admit it. I have mustache envy. Show me bringing the white heat. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] All right. That’s two strikes. Let’s be a little careful. One more, the other team gets a chance to steal. Let’s go Olivia. Something that you do to feel sexy.

[Cut to Olivia coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Well, I am English. I suppose what’s sexy to us is a good cup of tea, flirty but polite answer and a couple of fingers in the bum. I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me Mary Poppins stopping that nonsense. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, not there either. All right. Oscar newbies, [Cut to Stever Harvey and team Oscar Newbies] you got a chance to steal. Give me some answers.

Mahershala Ali: Be real.

Bradley Cooper: Be Bradley Cooper?

Steve Harvey: All right, Gaga. You’re the team leader. [Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga] What do you do to feel sexy?

Lady Gaga: You know, it’s weird Steve. [Cut to Lady Gaga] I didn’t truly feel sexy until I started making music, then suddenly, I was selling records and dating all the time. I was like some miracle happened, I don’t know.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga]

Steve Harvey: Well, I think I do. Show me, she got rich. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing] Number one answer. [Cut to Steve Harvey] All right. Yeah, turn me into a sex symbol too. Let’s take a break. I gotta find me some extra security because I think Monique’s waiting for me in the parking lot. We’ll be right back.

 

Leave Me Alurn | Season 44 Episode 10

Rachel Brosnahan

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

[Starting with a woman walking alone on the hills with a backpack.]

Narrator: Travelling solo, it’s my favorite. I love exploring with no one to please but myself.

[Cut to beautiful scenery of jungle, river and hills.]

Narrator: But when you’re a woman, [Cut to Rachel enjoying the view.] there is one very real danger. [Cut to Beck walks to Rachel.] Unwanted small talk.

Beck: This view, right? Reminds me of the episode of twin peaks where the girl gets murdered. Are you seeing anyone?

[Cut to Rachel speechless.]

[Cut to Kate enjoying her yoga at the park.]

Narrator: And having headphones in isn’t always enough [Cut to Kate meditating with her earpods on. Kenan walks to Kate.] to keep men I don’t know from talking to me.

Kenan: Om. That’s you. Om. You heard of Buddhists?

[Cut to Rachel sitting on the rocks with her backpack beside her.]

Rachel: That’s why wherever I go, [Taking her urn out of the bag] I always pack this.

[Cut to decorated urn with shoes, binoculars, shoes, maps, etc.]

Narrator: Introducing ‘Leave Me Alurn.’ ‘Leave Me Alurn’ is a portable urn of women travelers [Cut to different video clips of women traveling alone.] to make men think you are about to scatter your dad or grandpa’s ashes in a meaningful place. So they back the hell up off.

[Cut to Rachel, she takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out.]

Rachel: This was his favorite spot. [Cut to Beck wondering what she is saying] It’s what he would have wanted.

Beck: Oh, okay. I didn’t realize. I’m going to let you – I didn’t know – sorry. [Beck leaves Rachel alone]

[Cut to Rachel holding ‘Leave Me Alurn’ close, smiling]

Rachel: Confrontation avoided. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to Kate being annoyed by Kenan]

Narrator: You only take one vacation every seven years. Go ahead. Give them the urn.

[Kate takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out of her bag.]

Kate: He always wanted to see the ocean. [Cut to Kenan shocked] Better late than never, I guess.

Kenan: I’m sorry. That’s a– I’m interrupting a little funeral. Forgive it. [Kenan leaves in shock]

[Cut to Kate smiles]

Kate: He’s gone and I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to video clip of human cartoons.]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’, it’s a conversation prophylactic that gives the impression that ashes could blow up to 50 feet away and that’s how far men will stay from you. And it’s not just a fake urn, [Cut to Rachel. She pulls up a wire from the bottle of the urn.] it’s also a portable phone charger. And it’s even a stainless steel water bottle. [Cut to Kate drinking water from the urn. Kenan sees her drinking water from it and gets disgusted.]

[Cut to Melissa walking inside a bar and getting a drink]

‘Leave Me Alurn’ also works great back home for those little ‘just because I look friendly doesn’t mean I am friendly’ moments with boy strangers.

[Cut to Alex walks to Melissa at the bar.]

Alex: Is this seat taken?

Melissa: It was. Brought him back one last round.

[Cut to Alex getting disgusted]

Alex: Never mind.

[Cut to Alex] Can I buy you ladies a – [Cut to all ladies showing a ‘Leave Me Alurn’]

Oh, come on! [Alex leaves]

[Cut to video clip of ‘Leave Me Alurns’]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’ travel urn, for her. Kills small talk dead. Call now and you will also get [Lowe Back Spikes is shown in the screen] lower back spikes.

Because there is never a reason to touch a woman’s lower back when walking past her. Like never.

Pete: Excuse me! [Walks behind a woman] Ow! My hand!

First Impression | Season 44 Episode 8

Daughter/Melissa… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael… Beck Bennett

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Dad… Jason Momoa

[Starts with a decorated Christmas tree. Melissa is setting dining table for family dinner and she is talking to her boyfriend. He is going to meet her parents for the first time]

Melissa: You’re wearing your new shirt!

Michael: Yeah. Does it look okay?

Melissa: You look great, sweetie.

Michael: All right. I’m really nervous to meet your parents, you know? I don’t want to look stupid.

Melissa: Oh, they’re going to love you.

Michael: Okay. All right, [Cut to Michael and Melissa] I just really want to impress them.

Melissa: [Doorbell ringing] That’s them. [Melissa goes to open the door. Michael is preparing himself.]

[Melissa opens the door]

Melissa: Hey!

Mom: Hey, sweetie!

Melissa: Hi, mom. [Melissa hugs her mom]

Dad: Come here. [Melissa hugs her dad]

Melissa: Hi. Mom, dad, this is Michael. [Cut to the hall and nobody is there] That’s weird. He was here just a second ago.

Dad: [Cut to dad] Well, we can’t wait to meet him.

Melissa: Michael! Honey? [Cut to everybody]

Michael: [In a child’s voice] I bet you can’t find me.

Melissa: What?

Mom: Was that him?

Dad: What did he say?

Michael: Come find me. I’m hiding. [Everybody is confused] Hee-hee-hee.

Melissa: Michael, stop it! Okay, come out here and meet my parents.

Michael: Hee-hee-hee. Where am I?

Mom: Honey, what’s going on?

Melissa: I think he’s just nervous. [Cut to everybody] He really wants to impress you.

Mom: Why would that impress us?

Dad: Does he hide a lot?

Melissa: No, he’s never done this before.

Michael: I bet you can’t find me!

Dad: [Cut to dad, he walks forward] Oh, I bet I can! [Cut to dad walks upstairs]

Melissa: Dad, what are you doing?

Dad: I’m going to find this guy.

Michael: You’re very cold.

Dad: Make it fair, give us a clue.

Michael: Don’t you want to see what I look like? Hee-hee-hee.

Dad: Son of a bitch. [Dad is excited] Yes! I got to find this guy if I want to see what he looks like. [Melissa and mom follow dad]

Michael: Follow the little gay elf. Hee-hee-hee! You’re not very good at finding.

Dad: [Dad enters a room] He’s in the closet! [Dad opens the closet] Where is this turd?

Melissa: Dad!

Michael: Haha. You’re getting warmer.

Dad: Oh, he’s under the bed! I got you now! [Throws away the bed. Melissa and Mom are scared] Damn it.

Michael: Not there. Hee-hee-hee.

Dad: It’s coming from the walls. [Dad listens close to the walls]

Mom: [Cut to Melissa and mom] He’s not in the walls! [Dad starts punching holes in the wall]

Melissa: Dad, what are you doing?

Dad: I’m trying to find the damn guy! Gotcha! [Pulls a doll hand out of the wall. The hand has a recorder from where Michael’s voice was playing]

Michael: I guess you don’t want to see what I look like! [Dad breaks the recorder]

Dad: You know I do!

Michael: Then follow my voice. Hee-hee-hee-hee.

Dad: Oh, I got you now. [Opens a door in a room. A pie falls on the ground from the door] Fooled again!

Michael: Sound like someone’s got pie in the face.

Melissa: [Cut to Melissa]No, they don’t.

Mom: [Cut to Mom] Honey, this is insane.

Dad: [Cut to dad] You’re right, this is too hard. Give us another clue.

Michael: Hee-hee-hee. You see, I might be where you watch TV.

Dad: In the TV! Oh, crap, I gave it away! [Dad rushes down the stairs] I got him!

Michael: [Cut to the TV cupboard. Michael is behind the Cupboard stuck. He is waving his hand out to call everyone] Help me! Help! I’m stuck! What tool you so long? Help me, I’m stuck!

Melissa: [Cut to Melissa and mom] Michael, where are your clothes?

Michael: I couldn’t fit [Cut to Michael] back here with that new shirt on! [Dad pulls out Michael. Michael has grease over his body]

Melissa: [Cut to Melissa] Did you grease your body?

Michael: Just my face [Cut to Michael panicking] and my chest. I couldn’t fit back there. This whole [Cut to Michael and dad] plan is not working at all.

Melissa: [[Cut to Melissa] What’s your plan?

Michael: [Cut to Michael] To look cool in front of your parents. [Cut to Dad looking at Michael] Look at what love made me do babe. [Cut to Michael] Please to meet you, Mr. Charles, Mrs. Charles. I hope my hiding thing wasn’t too stupid and I’m sorry if I ruined your clothes with my pie trap.

Mom: [Cut to mom and Melissa] You didn’t.

Michael: Crap. Look, [Cut to Michael] you just told me how great they were and I just really wanted to impress them. I didn’t want to be a loser. I didn’t want to be [quoting with his hands] “That guy”.

Dad: [Cut to dad. Quoting with his hands] “That guy”. I love that. I say that too. [Cut to Michael. He gets happy.] [Cut to Melissa and mom. Melissa is also happy] I like you for my Melissa. A lot.

Michael: [Cut to Michael] I do too, sir. Yes, thank you, sir. Very good, sir.

Dad: [Cut to dad. He removes his glasses to see Michael] Let me see how handsome you are. [Michael flexes his body] That’s very nice. Good. [Michael turns around] There. Very handsome. Very good. I don’t know, [Michael stretches] he looks good. I like that. Very, very good. Very handsome. Very nice.

Michael: Merry Christmas everyone.

Elf on the Shelf | Season 44 Episode 8

Santa… Beck Bennett

Dottie… Melissa Villaseñor

Deedle Beep… Mikey Day

Scrabby… Jason Momoa

[Starts with a book ‘Elf on the shelf’ book, going through few of it’s pages]

Narrator: During the Christmas season, Santa sends an Elf to every child’s home to see if they’re being naughty or nice. All day they watch their child, never blinking and never moving. And each night they return to the North Pole to report back to Santa.

[Cut to a room where Santa and three elves are sitting]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Welcome back elves on shelves! I hope you’ve all been keeping a good eye on your children.

Elves: Yes, Santa!

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Wonderful. Dottie, how has little Elizabeth been this year?

Dottie: [Cut to Dottie] She’s been a very good girl Santa. She’s listening to her parents and doing her chores.

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Splendid! And how is little Matthew, Deedle Beep?

Deedle Beep: Well, he didn’t want to eat his vegetables at dinner.

Santa: Oh, no.

Deedle Beep: [Cut to Deedle Beep] But then he did and he liked them!

Santa: Hooray! [Cut to Santa] What about young Marshall, Scrabby?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby, ashamed] I want a new kid, Santa.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] But why? You’ve been watching Marshall for [looks at his book] 13 years.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Things have changed this year. He figured out he could do a certain thing with his body. Now he won’t stop doing it.

Dottie: [Cut to three elves] I hope he’s not fighting with his little brother. That would be very naughty indeed.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] No. It’s definitely a solo activity. And considering I can’t close my eyes, I had no choice but to watch him. He does it a lot.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Hmm, well, is what he’s doing naughty or is it nice?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] It’s not really either, Santa.

Deedle Beep: [Cut to three elves] That’s silly, Scrabby. All elves know that everything humans do is either naughty or it’s nice.

Scrabby: It isn’t so black and white, Deedle Bee. [Cut to Scrabby] It’s just a thing humans lean how to do, you know, they go insane for a while and they do it non-stop. Please, Santa, could I have another kid?

Santa: [Cut to Santa] But Marshall loves you Scrabby.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I know. But sometimes he looks at me when he’s doing it, and I think he’s making me a part of it.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Well, lucky you, Scrabby. Now what does each of your children want for Christmas this year?

[Cut to three elves]

Deedle Beep: A train set.

Dottie: A new soccer ball.

Scrabby: I don’t want to say.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Oh, Scrabby, certainly Marshall wants something from Santa. Let’s see what’s on my list. Oh, Scrabby, you spelled flashlight wrong!

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I wish that were the case.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Well, is there anything else he wants?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I mean, I guess some soft socks?

Santa: Ho, ho, ho, ho! [Cut to everybody] Then he shall have the softest socks in the land.

Scrabby: [Cut to three elves] They’re not going to stay that way, Santa.

Deedle Beep: Scrabby, it sounds like you don’t like Marshall anymore?

Scrabby: No, I do. It’s just, 13 is a confusing age.

Dottie: Whatever do you mean?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I don’t know, he like, looks at his body and he has like, little boobies and he squeezes real hard because he hates them and he’s mad at them and he’s like, “Oh, go away”.

Dottie: [Cut to three elves] Oh, my, that’s odd.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Yeah, yeah. Please, listen; can I please have another kid?

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Oh, I think I know what’s happening. You’re upset he’s growing up.

Scrabby: [Cut to three elves] Oh, he grew up, Santa. That’s done.

Deedle Beep: Don’t be sad, Scrabby. Every kid stops believing in us some day. But then they have kids of their own and the magic starts again!

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I don’t know if Marshall’s going to have anything left in his tank by then.

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Well, I can’t wait to visit all your children and bring them Christmas cheer.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Yeah, well, just make a lot of noise when you get to Marshall’s house. He’ll stop for a few seconds if he hears something.

Santa:  [Cut to everybody] Oh, Scrabby, you’re a silly elf. Now back to your children.

Morning Joe – Wedding | Season 44 Episode 7

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Elijah Cummings… Kenan Thompson

Katty Kay… Claire Foy

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[News intro playing]

You’re the heartbeat of Georgetown

[Cut to Joe, Mika, Willie, and Elijah in a news set]

A faded jeans boy in an Armani town

Joe Scarborough: Good morning, gang. You know, that’s ‘Heartbeat if Georgetown.’ An original rock jam by young up and comer named [pointing at himself] Joe Scarborough.

Mika Brzezinski: You guys, Joe has a band. Wow. Did he ever tell you that, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Frequently, I saw him play on the view.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Oh, yeah, man. Those ladies get it. We blew the roof off that joint until 11:00 a.m.

Mika Brzezinski: Right and afterwards they put it on YouTube and Joe watched it 200 times.

Joe Scarborough: Oh, yeah, baby. Now with us this morning is Shoni’s big boy mascot, Willie Geist.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] And our good pals representative Elijah Cummings, who fun fact, [Cut to Elijah] presided over our joyous wedding this past weekend.

Elijah Cummings: Yes, I did.

Willie Geist: [Cut to everybody] Congratulations.

[Joe and Mika showing their engagement rings]

Mika Brzezinski: We are married, and now I’m worried my eyes are going to roll back in my head and just stay there.

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I didn’t know you were a reverend.

Elijah Cummings: Well, I’m not but I’m black, and my name is Elijah.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Pretty good guess. Now, in a few minutes, we’ll talk to BBC world’s Katty Kay. Katty, [Cut to Katty in another news set] how do they say good morning in the UK?

Katty Kay: Good morning.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side] Ooh-la-la.

Mika Brzezinski: That’s sophisticated.

Joe Scarborough: Fancy. And I understand you have a huge scoop on Trump’s Moscow project?

Katty Kay: That’s right, Joe. We can now confirm that in July 2016, Donald Trump personally–

Joe Scarborough: [Interfering while Katty speaks] That’s coming up in a few minutes. Thanks, Katty. [Cut to Joe and Mika] And was that an amazing reception that we had this weekend?

Mika Brzezinski: It was wonderful.

Joe Scarborough: Did you like the food, Willie?

Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I was not invited.

Joe Scarborough: You were there in spirit, pal. Yep, that’s right, gang. She made an honest man out of– wow. No more living in sin or this guy.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, my god. Were we really living in sin? You want to confess your sins?

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Joe Scarborough: Maybe I do. I’ve had impure thoughts.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow. Then maybe you need to say five hail Mikas.

Joe Scarborough: With pleasure.

[Cut to Willie looking awkward]

[Cut to Elijah looking awkward]

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Let’s get to the news. The freshman class of 2018 just descended on Congress. And no one is making a bigger splash than a Democrat from New York Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez who joins us now.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Thank you Joe, Mika. Look at me. I’m different.

[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Joe Scarborough: Congratulations on your election victory.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah, well, incredible. You’re only 29. You’ve overcome incredible odds to get a job in Congress.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Well, I’m a millennial. Getting any full-time job is overcoming incredible odds. I’m actually still working for test rabbit.

Joe Scarborough: A second job. You’re going to be pretty busy, Alexandria. You know I was in Congress, and trust me its tough over there.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Joe, [Cut to Alexandria] I worked as a bartender in a Mexican restaurant like 11 minutes ago. This job is a freaking breeze. We get Saturday and Sunday off. I can sit down whenever I want. Changing America’s health care system is going to be Nada.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Well, I’m glad you’re so optimistic. We’ve read you have gotten a few death threats since being elected.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Listen. I grew up riding the 6 train. I’m used to crazy people yellin, “I’m gonna kill you” for no reason. That’s not a death threat. That’s just a Tuesday in the Bronx. I was born for this.

Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]

Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez thanks for joining us. You know, guys, [Cut to Joe and Mika] I’m still on a high from this weekend. I’m buzzing.

Mika Brzezinski: It was so us.

Joe Scarborough: It was. Sure was. We even wrote our own vows.

Mika Brzezinski: I vowed to hold you as tightly as I hold my java juice.

Joe Scarborough: That’s right. And damned if I didn’t vowed to please, squeeze and tease you.

Mika Brzezinski: And you slid a ring on my finger didn’t you?

Joe Scarborough:  I can slide a lot more than that.

[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]

Mika Brzezinski: You’re vile.

Joe Scarborough: And you love it.

[Cut to Willie shaking his head looking awkward]

[Cut to Elijah looking awkward]

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski: Partisan politics. Partisan politics.

Joe Scarborough: That’s our safe word. Let’s get to the big story, Katty Kay joins us from Washington where she has breaking news on the Trump investigation. [Cut to Katty] Katty, what do you have for us?

Katty Kay: Joe, we now have definitive proof that Donald Trump ordered–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting in the middle while Katty speaks]

[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side]

Because Katy, there’s smoke here and have no fire. Trump can tweet however he wants, but the truth will come out.

Mika Brzezinski: Truth always comes out.

Katty Kay: Indeed. And that’s why–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty from speaking] I mean what’s this report going to tell us that we don’t know?

Mika Brzezinski: Nothing.

Joe Scarborough: What new evidence even needs to come out?

Katty Kay: It’s funny you should say that–

Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty] I mean the guy surrounds himself with crooks. The only thing we’re missing is a true smoking gun.

Katty Kay: He’s not listening.

Joe Scarborough: And why do even need a smoking gun?

Katty Kay: I can say whatever I want.

Joe Scarborough: We already know this stuff.

Katty Kay: Donald trump a werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: There’s another bombshell every day.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: I mean there’s nothing left to say.

Katty Kay: He’s a gay Mexican werewolf.

Joe Scarborough: Katty Kay, thanks for joining us, always insightful.

[Cut to Joe and Mika]

Mika Brzezinski: Wonderful. We’re going to take a break. Here’s more of Joe’s new song “The heartbeat of Georgetown.”

Joe Scarborough: Dig it!

[Outro plays]