Tag: Melissa Villaseñor

The Duel | Season 44 Episode 16

Kenan Thompson

Sandra Oh

Mr. Abbeton… Beck Bennett

Mr. Eberle… Pete Davidson

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Sandra Oh and Melissa Villaseñor rushing to towards the courtyard]

Sandra Oh: Quickly.

[Cut to the courtyard. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are getting ready for the duel.]

Kenan Thompson: Mr. Abbeton. Mr. Eberle. Choose your weapons.

Sandra Oh: Stop. Kind sirs. [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] My affections are not worth this quarrel. Whatever injury you any might incur cannot compete with the wound you inflict upon my heart.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Listen to her gentleman. No woman is worth losing life and limb over.

Mr. Abbeton: This man has laid claim to what is rightfully mine. [Cut to Mr. Abbeton] And I will have satisfaction.

[Cut to Mr. Eberle and Kenan Thompson]

Mr. Eberle: And I will not rest until his blood is spilled upon this very crown.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: I cannot bear to see either of you suffer even this slightest of wounds.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Abbeton: Then I suggest you look away.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do as he says, my lady.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are facing opposite directions.]

Kenan Thompson: You agreed upon the terms. Ten paces and then turn and fire. Mr. Abbeton.

Mr. Abbeton: Ready.

Mr. Eberle: Mr. Eberle. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s arm]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, are you okay?

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Eberle: Oh, my god, sorry.

Melissa Villaseñor: I think [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] you got a little bit shot.

Sandra Oh: Oh! The only pain feel is seeing the two men I adore at odds.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Well, you’re definitely bleeding.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: It’s nothing compared to their suffering.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I think we should go over the rules again.

Mr. Abbeton: Yes, because he went early, right?

Kenan Thompson: Yes. So, just to be clear, you will walk ten paces and then turn and shoot.

Mr. Abbeton: Understood?

Mr. Eberle: And what do I do?

Kenan Thompson: Well, the same thing.

Mr. Eberle: As before? Okay. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s another arm]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Gross!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh:  ‘Tis but a pin prick. The only pain is loving a woman that another man loves.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, my lady. I’m not very good at this game.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: Do not give me a second thought. I beseech you, sirs. Think only of yourselves.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, perhaps we should abandon the guns and take all our clothes off and fight.

Mr. Abbeton: Our clothes. Why are you involved?

Kenan Thompson: Well, I’m mad too. This is taking up my whole damn day.

Mr. Abbeton: Let’s try one more time.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: I’m just going to move you here right in front of me. [Sandra Oh pulls Melissa Villaseñor in front of her]

Melissa Villaseñor: What?

Sandra Oh: So, you may better see.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I’m going to walk you through this. Do exactly as I say. Take one step—One step?

Mr. Abbeton: I thought we were going to take ten.

Mr. Eberle: Are we at ten already? [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

Kenan Thompson: No.

Mr. Abbeton: I haven’t gotten to go bang once! [Mr. Abbeton turns around and shoots] Bang!

[Cut to everybody. The two bullets are bouncing everywhere.]

Sandra Oh: What’s happening?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Currently there are two bullets in the air bouncing around the courtyard.

Sandra Oh: I’m sure I can just peek out to see what’s happening. [One bullets hit Sandra Oh] Oh, my lord. I hate this day.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: The two of you should be ashamed! [Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle] Hand me the pistol.

Sandra Oh: Do be careful.

Kenan Thompson: What? Oh! [Kenan mistakenly shoots the pistol. The bullet hits Sandra’s finger and cuts it.]

Mr. Abbeton: Oh, my god. Give that back. [Mr. Abbeton tries to take the pistol back but then mistakenly shoots. The bullet hits Sandra’s another finger and cuts it.]

Mr. Eberle: [Shoots one more time] Bang! [The bullet hits Sandra’s leg]

Mr. Abbeton: Why did you do that?

Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, I was trying something.

[Cut to Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: This ends now!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh. Sandra walks to Kenan, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Her leg gets cut but she’s still walking.]

Melissa Villaseñor: My lady, your leg.

Sandra Oh: Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton. I have something to say and I will be heard! You have suffered enough.

[Cut to Sandra Oh, Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Abbeton: She’s right. Do you forgive me?

Mr. Eberle: I do.

Sandra Oh: Now, give me those weapons and let the healing begin—[She shoots herself]

Kenan Thompson: Yep, that’s a head trigger right there.

The Impossible Hulk | Season 44 Episode 15

Dr. Bruce Banner… Idris Elba

Melissa Villaseñor

Security… Kenan Thompson

Impossible Hulk… Cecily Strong

Policeman… Mikey Day

[Starts with Dr. Bruce Banner in a shop. He finds a shirt at 50% off.]

Melissa Villaseñor: And your total was $208.45.

Dr. Bruce Banner: Sorry, did you say 208?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: And 45 cents, yes.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: The sign said it was half off.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Not this shirt. Just the stuff in that section.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Oh, it was in that section.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, then that was a mistake. [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] Somebody must have moved it.

Dr. Bruce Banner: Well, [Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner] I guess I’ll just get my money back.

Melissa Villaseñor: I’m sorry sir, we only offer [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] store credit. It’s store policy.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Oh, come on. That’s [Bleep].

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sir, I’m going to ask you to calm down and lower your voice.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Lower my voice. You’re trying to rip me off and I’m getting upset.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay, security.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: And you won’t like me when I’m upset.

[Cut to Security walks in]

Security: What’s the problem here? [Dr. Bruce Banner starts shivering] What the hell?

Impossible Hulk: Let go of me.

Security: Ain’t nobody even toughing you.

Impossible Hulk: I want my money back right now.

Narrator: While working at his lab located above a Torrey Birch, Dr. Bruce Banner was hit with gamma radiation in a failed experiment causing him to transform into an embolded white lady whenever he is provoked. He is the Impossible Hulk.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: I told you sir, the store policy is–

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: No, you’re being aggressive. I’m calling the police.

[Cut to Security]

Security: For what?

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

911: 911, what’s your emergency.

Impossible Hulk: Yes, hello, yes. I’d like to report an active aggression.

[Cut to Security and Impossible Hulk]

Security: We are literally just standing here.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: Now they are crowding me, I can’t breathe.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sir, just take your money back. It’s fine.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: No, do not rest me; do not try to silence me.

[Cut to Security]

Security: Oh, man. This dude is impossible.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk, she struggles and turns back to Dr. Bruce Banner.]

Dr. Bruce Banner: What just happened?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner walking in a hallway and then knocks on a door]

Ego Nwodim: What?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Can you please turn the music down? I’m trying to sleep.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: You are forever complaining. Why don’t you just move?

Dr. Bruce Banner: Look, I don’t want to argue. [Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner] I’m asking you to turn the music down or else.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim. Chris Redd joins Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Or else what couz?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Or else I’m going to get upset.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Get upset then. What’s up?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner shivering. He turns into the Impossible Hulk.]

Impossible Hulk: Let go of my arm.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Ain’t nobody touching your arm.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: What’s your name? And everybody’s name in there.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, dude. Calm down.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: I need your manager now.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: This is an apartment.

Ego Nwodim: Calm down.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: You will not get away with this.

911: 911, what’s your emergency?

Impossible Hulk: Yes, I’m being aggressed right now.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim]

Chris Redd: Aggressed? What is that?

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: I’m shaking and I’m in a lot of fear.

Ego Nwodim: Mr. Banner, [Cut to Ego Nwodim] we’ll turn the music down for real. It’s not a problem.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: Keep laughing. Keep laughing. You’re going to be in a lot—[She struggles and then turns back into Dr. Bruce Banner]

Chris Redd: Hey, you okay, bro?

Dr. Bruce Banner: I’m fine, I think I need a froyo.

Chris Redd: A froyo?

Narrator: Next time on the Impossible Hulk—

[Dr. Bruce Banner gets pulled over by a police]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Damn it!

Policeman: Yo, yo, yo, my man. Do you know why I’m stopping you?

Impossible Hulk: Because you’re an aggressive [Bleep] I’m filming you.

Policeman: FP drive safe.

Bodega Bathroom | Season 44 Episode 14

 

John Mulaney…

Carlie… Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Bodega Cat… Kenan Thompson

Cockroaches… Cecily strong, Melissa Villaseñor

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video clip of Big Nick’s Bodega store]

[Cut to Chris Redd, John Mulaney and Charlie inside the store]

Chris Redd: Just skills, and do you have a bottle of water?

John Mulaney: Sure. You want it super-hot, or solid block of ice?

Chris Redd: Never mind.

Charlie: Hey man, do you have a bathroom?

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: A what?

[Cut to Chris and Charlie]

Charlie: A bathroom. Like a bathroom I can use.

Chris Redd: Dude, did you just ask to use a bathroom in Bodega?

Charlie: I mean, what? Who cares, it’s an emergency.

[Cut to John Mulaney. John Mulaney shows Charlie the key to the bathroom, chained to a heavy cement block]

John Mulaney: Would you like the key to the bathroom?

[Cut to Chris and Pete]

Chris Redd: Charlie, if you do this I don’t think we can be friends anymore man.

Charlie: Relax dude, it’s just a bathroom. I’m sure it’s fine.

[Cut to John, Chris and Charlie. Charlie takes the key.]

John Mulaney: And so it shall be. Oh Bodega cat, show this man to the bathroom.

[Cut to Bodega Cat]

Bodega Cat: Make a wish. Hold your breath.

Come with me and you’ll be in a world of zero sanitation

Close your eyes and avoid inhalation

[Bodega Cat opens a door and steps in]

[Cut to cockroaches near a very dirty toilet commode]

Cockraoches: If you want to view, take a look around and view them

All the sticky stuff is fluids

Want to know for sure put a black light to it

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Charlie: Oh my god.

[Cut to Bodega Cat and the cockroaches]

Bodega Cat: That’s right. You’re the first person to use this bathroom that’s not a dog giving birth.

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Chris Redd: Man, what kind of creep would let a bathroom get like this?

[John Mulaney joins]

John Mulaney: I did.

[John Mulaney walks to the cockroaches and bodega cat]

Who can sell you condoms and Arizona ice tea

A loosie cigarettes and plantain chips

The bodega man can

Oh the Bodega man can

The bodega man can cause he mixes lots of pills

And calls the tiger sex pills

Bodega Cat: Who can make a rainbow

With cans of boiled meat

Cockroach: The Oreos are Russian and the ATM’s is Chinese       

Everyone: The Bodega man can

Oh the Bodega man can

Dirty Commode: Enough! [Everyone leaves] The child is mine! He took the key, and now he must pay the ultimate price.

[Cut to Charlie, Chris and Bodega Cat]

Bodega Cat: I’m sorry my son. I cannot protect you any longer.

[Cut to the dirty commode]

Dirty Commode: Oh, come on. Feed me, Seymour. Feed me!

[Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle: Stop!

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Chris Redd: Bodega Virgin Mary candles?

[Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle: That’s right. If no one else will protect the boy, then I will.

And I hope that someday we can erase

The memories of this horrible memory

When he needed a toilet

In a moment of shame

Dirty Commode: If you touch me you’ll understand what’s unhappiness is

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle and the cockroaches: Your worst day has begun

[The dirty commode flies away]

[Cut to Charlie, John and Chris]

Charlie: Well, that was both beautiful and disgusting. I think I’ve learned my lesson.

[Charlie tries to give the key back to John]

John Mulaney: Not yet you haven’t.

[Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle:

Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo

We’ve got a troubling bathroom for you

Oompa Loompa Doopity Dee

We got an F from the C-D-C

What do you get when you sit on that seat

Swine, HPV and a wave of heat

Where are you at getting desperate like that

The sink is a swimming pool of rats

[Cut to  rat on bathroom sink]

Rat: I don’t like the look of it

[Cut to Charlie, John and Chris]

Chris Redd: Wait, wait, wait ,wait, wait. You got Oompa Loompas in your Bodega.

John Mulaney: Oh, no, those are just sour patch kids that have been in the store so long, they came to life.

Charlie: Hey, listen, here’s your key back mister. I decided not to use your bathroom after all.

John Mulaney: No John Mulaney, don’t you see? It’s yours now. The bathroom, the Bodega. I’m leaving it all to you. You passed the test.

Charlie: But, what will I do with it?

[Bodega cat joins]

Bodega Cat: It’s a Bodega John Mulaney. The possibilities are endless. Because there’s –

525,600 items

525,000 unrelated beings..

525,000 flavors of ramen..

How can we sell you one loose beer

[Everyone starts joining]

There’s shampoo and hot-dogs

And the worst ever cup of coffee
And tampons on the top shelf

There’s a guy who doesn’t work here

[Cut to Beck Bennett smoking and watching football]
Just sitting and watching soccer

[Cut to everyone]
And chargers but they’re only for an iPhone three
And what about flush

that so called flush

just unwrap one

Bodega of Love

What about flush

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Charlie: All right, I’ve decided to drop out of NYU and run this Bodega full time!

[Cut to everyone]

Everybody: Yeah!

Bodega of love,

Bodega of love

 

Cut for Time: Dianne Feinstein Message | Season 44 Episode 14

Senator Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Senator Dianne Feinstein sitting between kids in a classroom]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh-oh. A California Senator Dianne Feinstein. Now, recently, [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein walking to the hallway] some of you may have seen a disastrous video of me lecturing school children about the green new deal. [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein  with kids in art class] But I want to make things right because I believe children should be heard.

[Cut to the kids]

Kid 1: Senator Feinstein, we want you to support the green new deal.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Okay, and I appreciate that honey. Now, unfortunately, that deal is not very realistic.—

[Cut to Kid 1]

Kid 1: So we’re just going to do noghing?

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: No, no. So I have a–

[Cut to Kid 1]

Kid 1: Our planet is dying.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh, I see what’s happening. Okay. You’re going to tell me how to do my job. Okay, well, [Cut to Kid 1] I don’t come into your first grade classroom and [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] knock the glue out of your mouth, do I? [Cut to Kid 1 is very sad] So why don’t you stay in your lane [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] and step the fuck off. Okay, I need to do it over. I need to do that off DO. [Retake] You kids like games?

Kids: Yes!

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Yes. Okay, this one is called green new deal. Okay? I’m going to close my eyes, I’m going to hold out my hand, then you kids are going to give me $93 trillion.

[Cut to the kids, silent]

Kid 2: We don’t have any money.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh, you don’t? Oh, then we all lose. Ha-ha. Do-over. DO. I need a DO.

[Retake]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: You need to take action. [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] Climate change is going to severely affect [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] my generation.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, if you’re so concerned, maybe you should run for office.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Fine. I will.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: You know what? Let me be the first to donate to your campaign. [Senator Dianne Feinstein puts her hand in her pocket and acts as if she’s taking some money out, and then shows her middle finger] DO!

[Cut to Kid 3]

Kid 3: Senator. I made you this.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh my goodness. Is that a poster? Well I’m convinced.

[Cut to Kid 3]

Kid 3: Really?

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: No.

[Cut to Kid 4]

Kid 4: You’re mean.

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] your dad wishes you were bullied more. Tell him that you piece of [Bleep]. DO. No, don’t do that one.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein facing kids and the teachers]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: You’re the one who puts words on these [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] kid’s mouths, huh?

Heidi Gardner: You mean teaching them?

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: How about this? You be the senator, okay? [Senator Dianne Feinstein starts opening her jacket to give it to Heidi] I’ll give you my stupid little senator jacket. Here you go. And I’ll see you [Bleep][Bleep] You should be the senator, bitch. Sorry, DO.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein standing in front of the kids]

I am Dianne Feinstein.

Kids: And we approve this message.

Kid 3: I don’t.

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, why don’t you take your ass home? Oh, no. DO. Try whole thing. [Bleep]

Michael Cohen Hearing Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 14

Rep. Elijah Cummings … Kenan Thompson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Jim Jordan… Bill Hader

Jackie Speier… Heidi Gardner

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Rep. Paul Gosar… Kyle Mooney

Rep. Mark Meadows… Alex Moffat

[Starts with C-SPAN channel program schedule]

Narrator: You’re watching C-Span. Sorry, I read that wrong. You’re watching C-Span? We now tune into congressional oversight committee hearing where president Trump’s personal lawyer, [Cut to Michael Cohen Testimony house oversight committee] Michael Cohen is about to give sworn testimony.

[Cut to congressmen and congresswomen sitting for the testimony]

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: All rise. All right. I would like to get this hearing under way. I want this to stay professional. Okay? If you hear something outrageous, please do not ‘Ooh’ and ‘Ah’. This is not ‘Married with Children’. Also, I’m told that I should tease this, because it’s all anyone cares about anyone. Coming up, a performance by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She smiles, winks and greets.]

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

All right. Now, for any other president, this hearing would be the most damning and humiliating moment of their lives, but for Trump it’s just Wednesday. So, please welcome our witness, Mr. Michael Cohen. [Cut to Michael Cohen takes seat] Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Cohen.

[Michael Cohen trying to figure out who is talking to him]

Michael Cohen: Sorry, who said that?

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m right here. I’m right here in front of you.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Elijah Cummings at the left and Michael Cohen at the right]

Michael Cohen: Oh, there you are. All right. Thank you.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Now, Mr. Cohen, I understand you would like to read a prepared statement.

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. If it pleases the court.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m not a judge. I’m a congressman. And Mr. Cohen, you wrote this statement yourself?

Michael Cohen:  Yes. But I had some help from the guys who wrote ‘Green Book’.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. You may begin.

Michael Cohen: Ladies and gentlemen of jury.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Not a court.

Michael Cohen: Thank you [Cut to Michael Cohen] for inviting me here today to correct the record under oath. Of course, the first time I testified was also under oath. But this time, I like, really mean it. I’m here today to tell you that Mr. Trump is a racist. [Michael Cohen pauses expecting reaction from the committee] Wow. I thought there would be a bigger reaction. But he’s also a con man and a cheat. And to prove it, I’m providing the committee today with several documents. This is a check that Mr. Trump wrote me as reimbursement for ‘hush’ money paid to Stormy Daniels. [Cut to Donald Trump’s check of $35,000 named to Michael Cohen] [Cut to Michael Cohen] And this is a copy of the check I wrote to miss Daniels. [Cartoon check of $130,000 named to Stephine Clifford, a.k.a Stormy Daniels] [Cut to Michael Cohen] I’m also including a copy of the threatening letter I sent to Mr. Trump’s high school, warning them not to release his SAT scores. In conclusion, I know that I was wrong. And I know it because I got caught. For too many years, I was loyal to a man when I should not have been, now I know how Khloe Kardashian feels.  But now, I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel. I’m cold and I’m ashamed and lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. Thank you.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Great. Now, I’d like to open the floor so the republicans can get angry at everyone except the president. The chair recognizes the congressman from Ohio, Mr. Jordan.

[Cut to Jim Jordan very angry]

Jim Jordan: Good afternoon, Mr. Chariman. Good afternoon to you, you lying piece of [yelling] human trash!

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Thank you, I really appreciate that. [Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him]

Jim Jordan: Where are you looking? I’m right here!

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey. Great. Thank you.

Jim Jordan: Mr. Chairman, you’re right. I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to sit here through this two-bit dirt bag flee circus. [Cut to Jim Jordan] I’m so angry I couldn’t even wear a jacket today. You know something, Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] I’ve never even heard of you!

Michael Cohen: Your mother has.

Jim Jordan: Hey, hey, hey. You don’t sass me, with your liar mouth. Oh, I’m about to [yelling] pop off! You have been working in some of the sleaziest circles in America for years. What other criminals and lowlifes have you worked for?

Michael Cohen: I was the deputy finance chairman for the republican party.

Jim Jordan: What? Is that true? Oh, Damn it. I yield of the rest of my time.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. The chair recognizes the congresswoman from California, Mrs. Speier.

[Cut to Jackie Speier]

Jackine Speier: Yeah, I would like to yield my time back to Jim Jordan, so he can continue digging his own grave.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Aw, damn it! Okay. Fine, fine. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Mr. Cohen—[Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him] I’m right here! I’m right in front of you!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry, Mr. Cohen. Are you having trouble identifying where sounds are coming from?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: I am. Thank you.

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Jim Jordan: Unreal. Mr. Cohen, why are we supposed to believe you now? I mean, you lied about Trump being a good guy. You lied about Trump not committing any crimes. You lied about Trump not– damn it, I’m doing it again. [Cut to Jim Jordan] Come back to me. Damn it! Idiot!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: The chair recognizes the congresswoman from Florida. Mrs. Wasserman Schultz.

[Cut to Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz]

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Yes, hello. Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Hold for groans. Hold for groans. Mr. Cohen, for this portion of the hearing, I would like us both to lean into our New York accents so hard, that our viewers will think they’re stuck line at Zabar’s. Is that all right?

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Forget about it.

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Thank you chairman. I yield rest of my time to Jim Jordan as a prank on him.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Oh, [yelling] come on! Okay fine. You want to prank? I’m going to quote directly from the southern district document against Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Okay, Mr. Cohen appears to have lost his moral compass. Burn! Mr. Cohen has pled guilty to a smorgasbord a fraudulent activity.

Michael Cohen: Yeah, and right after that it says, “At the direct of President Trump.”

Jim Jordan: It does? [yelling] Oh, damn it. [Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings] Come back to me.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, I absolutely will. The congressman recognizes the congressman from Arizona. Mr. Gosar.

[Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar]

Rep. Paul Gosar: Yeah, I just want to say one thing, Mr. Cohen. You are a path– pathro- pathlo– pathological [yelling] liar. You don’t even know truth from frictionals.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Excuse me?

Rep. Paul Gosar: Hey, [yelling] no! I’m trucking here. When it’s your truck, you truck! You are the liar. That has been estabrished. [Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar] That’s why I put this up. [There’s a poster of Michael Cohen that says ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire’] Liar, liar, pants are fire. [yelling] Do you know what that means?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Honesly, not really. I’m having trouble understanding a lot what you are saying.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Rep. Paul Gosar: I will tell you what it means, Mr. Lohan. It means if you lie, pants are fire. If you truth, pants are goof.

Michael Cohen: Do you need medical attention?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Wow, that was out standing. The chair recognizes the congressman from North Carolina.

[Cut to Rep. Mark Meadows]

Rep. Mark Meadows: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Now, I couldn’t help but hear Mr. Cohen call the president a racist. But it just so happens that I brought with me a black woman [Ego Nwodim comes in] and she works for Trump, don’t you? [Ego Nwodim nods her head] Uh-huh. Her name is Omarosa.

Ego Nwodim: No, no.

Rep. Mark Meadows: And she has stood by Trump’s side since the first season of the apprentice.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that is not me. Can I leave?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, yes. Absolutely. Save yourself because I am shutting this down right now so I can give a quick sermon to call everybody in this room a damn fool. Because you all have lost your damn minds. But this hearings has been going on for seven hours so let’s take a break and then, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will probably do a dance, is that right?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: No, I was going to ask carefully researched questions.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Yeah, clearly that is not what today is about. Mr. Cohen, any final words?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. Look, maybe I’m not a good person. Maybe I’m a liar. Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe I ruined hundreds of people’s lives.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry. Is there a but coming?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: No, there isn’t Thank you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Pound Puppy | Season 44 Episode 13

Don Cheadle

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with romantic evening clips of three different couples]

Narrator: Tonight’s the night. Just the two of you. No phones, no emails. Just you and the one you love. Time to tune out the world an tune into each other. You earned this moment and nothing is going to get in your way. Unless you own a dog.

[Cut to a dog watching]

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Don Cheadle in bed]

Ego Nwodim: Your dog is watching us. To your crate.

[Don Cheadle looks at the dog]

Ego Nwodim: To your crate. To your crate.

Don Cheadle: Go to your crate.

[Cut to the dog still looking at them]

[Cut to another dog barking]

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett: Stop. He thinks you’re attacking me.

Heidi Gardner: Just put him in the laundry room.

[Cut to the dog barking]

Beck Bennett: With his anxiety? Yeah, right.

[Cut to Alex Moffatt and Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: We’re just talking, lady bug. [Cut to another dog staring at them] Everything is fine.

[Cut to Alex Moffatt and Melissa Villaseñor]

Alex Moffat: Go in the hall, we’ll be three minutes.

Melissa Villaseñor: Three minutes?

[Cut to the clips of the couples being disappointed]

Narrator: Don’t let your fur baby ruin the intimate moment you waited for all week. Now you don’t have to. [Couples unboxing the package of Pound Puppy] With Pound Puppy, the furry dog costume big enough for two people to have sex in. [Clip of couples getting inside the big dog costume] [The big dog costume is moving as couples are having sex][Moaning sex voices] Once inside, you can go to town and your down will just think there is a much larger dog in the room. With “Pound Puppy” you get the privacy you need and your dog has a new best friend. Suitable for any style of lovemaking. Need to check on your dog? Just use the mascot style eyes.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim watching the dog from the big dog costume’s eyes]

Ego Nwodim: He’s buying it.

[Cut to Don Cheadle inside the costume]

Don Cheadle: I think it’s working a little bit too well.

[Cut to dog trying to have sex with the dog costume]

Narrator: Throw your dog and yourself a bone with “Pound Puppy”. Your dog will smile while you doggy style. Available in the adult section of PETCO.

Parents Call | Season 44 Episode 12

Randy… Mikey Day

Chris Redd

Laurie… Melissa Villaseñor

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Halsey

[Starts with Randy and his clients Chris and Laurie. Randy is explaining the office structure to his clients]

Randy: So, here is your office space layout. You’ll see, we kept these structural columns here. We thought it added some interest to he space, kept it from looking like a cookie cutter office building.

[Cut to Chris and Laurie]

Chris: All with the new. I like that.

Laurie: This is the common space.

Randy: Yeah. [Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie] [ Randy’s phone starts vibrating] It’s– so sorry. Why are my parents calling?

Chris: Oh, you can go ahead and take that.

Randy: I am so sorry. Hello?

[Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Dad: Oh, hey Randy. How are you?

Mom: Hi, honey. How’s everything?

Randy: Mom, you guys are both there. What’s going on?

Dad: Oh, nothing. We just wanted to know if you liked that new grill we got you. We have the same one and we love it.

Randy: Cool. I’m actually at work right now.

Dad: Oh, you’re at work?

Mom: He’s at work–

Dad: Oh, don’t tell him about it.

Mom: It’s okay. Don’t tell him.

Dad: Yes, we won’t tell him.

Randy: Tell me what? You guys have something important to tell me?

Dad: Oh, no, no, we’ll tell you later. You’re at work.

Mom: Sorry, you’re at work.

Randy: No, no, guys. What is it?

Dad: Oh, it’s nothing at all. I shattered all the bones in my leg. Love you. [Dad hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Hello?

Chris: Is everything okay.

Randy: Do you guys mind if I call them back. I think my dad, like, broke his leg or something.

Laurie: Oh, of course.

Randy: Yeah. I’m so sorry.

[Randy calls his parents back]

[Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Mom: Hello.

Randy: Hey, mom.

Dad: Oh, Randy! This is a surprise. Did you get out of work early.

Randy: No, you just said your legs were shattered?

Dad: Oh, come on buddy? It’s nothing. I was hot doggin’ at the club, rolled the golf cart and it pancaked my legs. Broke all the bones.

Mom: Pancaked them.

Dad: Yeah, but it’s not that big of a deal at all. I’m fine. We shouldn’t have called at all. God, you’re starting to piss me off.

Mom: Get back.

Randy: Dad, are you okay?

Dad: How should I know? I refused medical care at the scene. When your mother had to go last week, they charged us 5 grand for an IV.

Mom: Highway robbery.

Randy: Wait, what happened to mom?

Mom: Nothing. So you never told us. How’s that new grill?

Randy: I don’t care about the stupid grill, mom.

Dad: Oh, stupid. Oh, we’re sorry. The grill we bought you is such a dumb ass. And you know, your mother didn’t want me to tell you, but she got shot. [Dad hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: What? Oh, my god. I’m so sorry. I think my mom got shot. If you guys want to reschedule?

Chris: No, no, no. Call them back.

Laurie: And you can put them on speaker?

Chris: Yeah, I feel like we are a part of this now.

Randy: Yeah.

[Cut to Mom and Dad. Mom’s both hands are plastered. The phone rings]

[Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Dad: Hello?

Randy: Dad?

Dad: Oh, Randy! You’re home.

Randy: No. I’m still at work. Mom, were you shot?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Yes, Randy. Don’t make it a big deal. I was on a jog in the woods and I ran through a shooting range. Took five bullets to my thigh. Now, I see on Facebook you are seeing someone?

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Mom. Stop changing the subject.

Dad: Oh, right. Okay. [Cut to Mom and Dad] How dare your mother take an interest in her son’s love life?

Mom: She’s beautiful.

Dad: Yeah. She’s almost as silly as that little idiot grill.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Okay, guys, should I fly out?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: No, no. We do not need an extra set of hands around the house.

Dad: Yes, we have mine even though you mother’s are completely ruined.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Wait, did you say mom’s hands are ruined?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Yes, Randy. She ruined her hands in the fall.

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Chris: Ask her what fall.

Randy: I’m going to.

Chris: Okay.

Randy: What fall?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: My fall, through the hole.

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Okay, what hole?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Randy! The hole in the middle of our house. She fell through it. She braced her fall with her hands and they snapped right off.

Mom: And then they snapped them back.

Dad: What is it you don’t understand? I can’t do it with him.

Mom: He’s pissing me off.

Dad: He’s pissing me off. [Dad stands up with his crutches and starts walking behind]

[Cut to Randy, Chris, and Laurie]

Laurie: Hi, sir. This is Laurie. Your son’s client. Why is there a hole in your house?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Well, because Laurie, we were installing an elevator because of all the leg mishaps recently.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: So, why is there not an elevator where the hole is?

[Cut to Mom and Dad. They are annoyed.]

Dad: Think, Randy. Because we changed our mind! All right?

Mom: God, this kid!

Dad: I can handle myself on the stairs just fine. [Door bell rings] I’ll get it.

Mom: You get it.

Dad: [Dad falls off the stiars] Oh, no! My legs! My face! My body is completely pan-caked!

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Um, okay, you guys. I am going to fly out there first thing tomorrow morning.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Oh, good. You can meet Roger. He’s living with us now.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Okay, Roger? Who is Roger?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Oh, Roger is your identical twin brother we gave up for adoption at birth. Love you. [Mom hangs up the phone]

Riverdale | Season 44 Episode 12

Rick… Kenan Thompson

Betty… Halsey

Clapperboard person… Melissa Villaseñor

Corpse (Lionel Rodgers)… Pete Davidson

Jug-head… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

[Starts with film shooting scene]

Rick: All right,I hope you people like pressure because we are shooting the season finale of ‘Rivaerdale’. All right, we are in a morgue and Betty has come to identify her cousin’s body with Jug-head, the sadness is pop-able.

Betty: Got it.

Rick: All right. Now, let’s make some ‘Dale’.

Clapperboard person: ‘Riverdale’, episode 57. Text me deadly. Rolling.

Rick: And action!

[Betty and Jug-head start acting]

Betty: Oh, Devin, I wanted to see the queen babe of this drop hive. But now all I want is to have my cousin back.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Betty: I love you.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: He’ll always be in your heart.

Rick: Okay, let’s hold it. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] I’m sorry, excuse me. Actor  on the gurney, are you all right?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, yes. I’m good if you’re good.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I’m not good. What were those sounds?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, just everyday corpse sounds. The usual hisses and moans you get from gas escaping the body. I’m sorry. I’m Lionel Rodgers. I play corpses. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person looking at him speechless] So I’ve been dead, what, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] two or three days?

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yes, sure.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Great, so I’d still be releasing a lot of gas. Right? So, I’ll give you some groans, some toots, so you have options.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right, We’re going again with no sounds from the corpse.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Oh, I see. So you want this to be a totally inaccurate depiction of dead body.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yeah, exactly.

Betty: Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] can we go again before I lose the feeling?

Rick: Yes, yes, Lily, let’s pick it up [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] where we left off, please.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: [Singing] A fox ran into a volcano.[Then he lies down]

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I hope that’s not a vocal exercise because you will not be speaking. Now, on your mark, get set, act!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head acting]

Betty: Jug-head. I was an A1 River Vixen but now, it feels like nothing matters.

Jug-head: Betty, death is the wisest teacher in Riverdale.

[Corpse starts to shiver hard]

Alex Moffat: Betty. Jughead. You betrayed me.

Rick: Stop it!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Betty: Okay. Sorry, Rick. I know it was me.

Rick: You know, it was not you Lily. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] There was a man ridiculously, violently trashing next to you.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: You said not to make any sounds. I was just convulsing the way a normal corpse would with no means to expel gas.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right. That is it. I want you out of here right now.

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Jug-head: I don’t know, Rick. It sounds like this guy did his research.

Lionel Rodgers: I did, I did. [Cut to Lionel, Betty and Jug-head] I lived in a Morgue for three months.

Rick: Why?

Lionel Rodgers: Just sort of works out for me rent- wise.

Betty: Rick, I’m kind of digging the authenticity.

[Rick walks in]

Rick: People, trust me, when I have finished [Cut to Rick] weaving this episode of the ‘Dale’, all eyes will be on the hot teens and their steamy, antics. Not the corpse. Now please, no moans, no spasms, no movement. Action!

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse]

Lionel Rodgers: And cut. Look, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] let me just make sure I understand what you want because you sir, you’re a terrible director. This woman lost her cousin. [Cut to Betty, Jug-head, Lionel Rodgers and Rick] she’s so overcome by grief, that she doesn’t notice he’s the only corpse in the history of the world that isn’t moaning and jerking around.

Rick: No.

Lionel Rodgers: So is the idea that she has brain damage?

Betty: Yes Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] it seems pretty weird I wouldn’t notice that my dead cousin isn’t moving.

Jug-head: Yeah. He does have a point.

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Fine. I give up.  Failure for me is like slipping on an old coat. You all do what you want. Roll film!

[Clapperboard person joins]

Clapperboard person: This isn’t film.

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse start acting]

Betty: My poor, sweet Devin. What a cousin.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: Death is bad, Betty.

Corpse: Avenge me!

Women of Congress | Season 44 Episode 12

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Annie Kuster… Aidy Bryant

Abigail Spanberger… Heidi Gardner

Rashida Tlaib… Halsey

[Starts with intro of Women of Congress]

Narrator: Once upon a time, there were women. And then they became fed up women. And then they became congress women. They fight crime, they right wrongs. They wear white. But they\re not all white and we love them. They’re the Women of Congress! Featuring [Cut to Nancy Pelosi clapping] Nancy ‘Madam Clap Back’ Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi: I’m so woke. I can’t close my eyes.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez using her mobile phone]

Narrator: Alexandria ‘I Say What I meme’ [Alexandria throws her phone to hit the security guard] Ocasio-Cortez.

Melissa Villaseñor: You’retrying to rip apart my green new deal. Leave me alone, I will dog walk you.

[Cut to Maxine Waters showing off her kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Maxine ‘Don’t Go Chasing’ Waters.

Maxine Waters: They call me auntie Maxine but I’m gonna make Trump say ‘Uncle’.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema]

Narrator: Kyrsten ‘Kookie Arizona Lady’ Sinema.

Kyrsten Sinema: I used to be in the house. But now I’m in the senate. I’m bicameral, bipartisan, and bi. Deal with it.

[Cut to Ilhan Omar climbing the building from the outside]

Narrator: Ilhan ‘Get The Hi-Job Done’ Omar.

Ilhan Omar: I’m a proud Muslim woman and proud American. When Ted Cruz sees me, he crosses the street.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Narrator: Annie ‘Raise the Roof ’Kuster.

[Annie raising her hand up and down]

Annie Kuster: Raise the roof! And break that glass ceiling.

[Cut to Abigail Spanberger showing her Kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Abigail, ‘Say My Name, Say My Name’ Spanberger.

Abigail Spanberger: My opponents thought he could hurt me by saying a vote for me was a vote for Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy joins Abigail]

Nancy Pelosi: Uh-huh. How did that work out? Good?

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Narrator: And Rashida ‘Impeach The Mother****’ Tlaib.

Rashida Tlaib: Impeach the mother** [Bleep]. Bitch!

Narrator: They are the Women of Congress.

[Cut to video clip of White house]

[Cut to all Women of Congress inside a room]

Nancy Pelosi: Ladies, this is a message from President Trump.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi playing the voice message]

Donald Trump: Congratulations, women of congress. You know, since I’ve been president, we have more women serving in congress than ever before.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Annie Kuster: You don’t get to take credit for that.

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Rashida Tlaib: That is not because of you. That’s in spite of you!

[Cut to everyone complaining out loud] [Cut to Rashida Tlaib breaks the speaker from there the message isplayin]

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: And you’re not rich!

[Cut to outro of The Women of Congress]

Narrator: They are the women of congress!

Virgin Hunk | Season 44 Episode 8

Dalton… James McAvoy

Hanna C… Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Jessica C… Heidi Gardner

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Adocku… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Virgin Hunk intro]

Narrator: A 26 year old virgin whose job is exercises, has to choose between 30 women who didn’t vote. This season on ‘Virgin Hunk’.

[Cut to Dalton in suit with a rose]

Dalton: Hi, I’m Dalton and I’m from Turd River, Colorado. There are a few reasons that I could be a virgin, so just pick one and go with that. I’m ready to find love with one of these randos.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Hanna C: I missed you.

Dalton: Oh, tell me something about you.

Hanna C: I’m Hanna C. [Cut to Hanna C] I’m 31 so I’m almost dead. My ex-boyfriend is Dirty John. But he dumped me because I’m too clingy.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Dalton: I have such a connection with you.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Kate sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton:  Yeah, I had so much fun on [Cut to Dalton] our date today. Skydiving with Post Malone. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Well, I’m from Rest Area, Missouri. And I can’t wait until you visit my hometown where you’ll see that all my busted brothers have a crush on me.

[Jessica C. comes in]

Jessica C.: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves and Jessica sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Okay. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Jessica C.]

Jessica C.: I’m Jessica C. and I don’t know what to say because I’ve never been myself even once.

[Cut to Dalton and Jessica]

Dalton: [Looking at the pageant sash that probably says ‘Miss Virginia’. Jessica has her hand over the title] Well, I can see that you’re Miss Virginia.

Jessica C.: Oh, almost. [Jessica takes her hand off. The pageant sash says ‘Miss Vagina’.]

[Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Jessica leaves and Aidy sits with Dalton] I missed you. I loved our date today where I dry humped you at medieval times.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Yeah, I’m sorry my pants exploded, I’m super backed up. So tell me about yourself?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, I’m 20-frunk years old. And I’m a content creator. And that content is porn.

[Hanna C. walks in]

Hanna C: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Aidy leaves and Hanna C sits with Dalton again] I missed you.

Dalton: So what makes you you?

Hanna C: Well, I mostly do P.R. Puerto Ricans.

Dalton: Oh, cool. So how’s it going in the house?

[Cut to Hanna C]

Hanna C: Actually I do have something to confess. I grew up with Kaitlyn S. and she’s a toxic lying bitch with no teeth. Does that make you like me more?

[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Melissa sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: You can probably tell because I’m the only Brunette here that my family fled from Cuba. But don’t worry, I’m anti-immigration. If I could have closed the door behind me, I would have.

[Adocku walks in]

Adocku: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Melissa leaves and Adocku sits with Dalton] I missed you. Do you remember my name?

Dalton: You know I don’t . And if I guess, you’ll guess I’m a racist.

Adocku: My name id Adocku.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Wow. I’m never going to say that.

[Cut to Adocku and Dalton]

Adocku: Okay, I’m Katie now.

Dalton: Hey, I like that.

Adocku: Anyway, I’m black and have short hair, so I just want to say goodbye. Okay.

Dalton: Van’s out front. [Adocku leaves. Aidy Bryant joins Dalton]

Aidy Bryant: Hi, it’s me from before, but more drunk.

Dalton: So we’re on a date. Tell me the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, it’s tough to say. It’s either my awkward phase or when my mom combusted in front of me.

[Cut to Dalton and Aidy]

Dalton: That sounds really hard.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, so, mouth stuff now or – [with idea of kissing]

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

Aidy Bryant: Oh, I need more time. [Kate takes her keys out, shows it to Aidy then throws it] I’m going to get that.

[Aidy leaves and Kate sits with Dalton]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, I brought you this peach because I live in Georgia. [Kate gives Dalton a peach] And this is a banana [Kate takes a banana out] because if you pick me then—[Kate gestures sexual idea to Dalton]

[Cut to Kate and Dalton]

Dalton: Oh, this is making me fall for you. I’m not saving myself until marriage. I’m saving myself until the producers say go.

Kate McKinnon: I have a secret. I’m also a virgin.

Dalton: Why, what’s wrong with you? I’ll walk you out.

[Dalton and Kate leave]