Tag: Melissa Villaseñor

Judge Court | Season 44 Episode 20

Judge Marlene Wett… Aidy Bryant

Judge Christina Miami… Emma Thompson

Judge Linda Christina… Kate McKinnon

Nick Jonas

Joe Jonas

Kevin Jonas

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: When people do wrong—

Judge Marlene Wett: You’re wrong!

Narrator: You need someone you can trust.

Judge Christina Miami: Oh, please.

Narrator: Or how about some three?

Judge Linda Christina: You’re going to jail.

[Cut to all three judges]

Narrator: For people who like judge Judy but wish it was way less complicated, it’s judge court. Hi. Hi. Hello. Welcome to Judge court.

[Cut to running case in the court]

Judge Linda Christina: Yes, Hi. Hello.

Judge Christina Miami: Welcome to Judge Court.

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. What’s your problem? Go ahead.

[Cut to Heidy Gardner]

Heidy Gardner: Okay, I rented an apartment for 8 months in 2016. In that time, I did not have a bathtub. So I’m seeing recompense for the bathtub.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: And I’m saying that’s BS.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Excuse me. Mr. Landlord, how old are you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Um, 30.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is too young.

All the judges: Yes, you’re going to jail. You’re going to jail.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what?

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Judge court. It’s the only courtroom with three judges. Linda Christina. Christina Miami. And Marlene Wet. They tied for last place in their law school class and they’re best friends who have dinner every night.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. Say your issue, please.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: His dog bit me.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: And he was hungry.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Enough. We have a verdict.

Judge Linda Christina:The dog is entitled to an all expenses paid dinner at Buca Di Beppo.

Judge Marlene Wett: That’s right, the dog is going to dinner with us and you are going to jail.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What? Why?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Excuse me. You do not in here to her.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do what?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Listen to me. Listen to me! You see this woman? [All judges pointing each other] This woman. Do you see this woman right here? Do you see her?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, yeah, I see her.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: This woman gave me $10,000 so I could get my painfully shy son a sex pillow for his birthday.

Judge Linda Christina: You see this woman? She dresses me every morning. I fight her the whole way but she does it.

Judge Marlene Wett: You know what? When I was choking on a hard candy, this woman sucked it out through my ass. Okay? It was all—and she was – I was naked of course.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Can I just go to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: When I pee, she wipes.

Judge Christina Miami: When I cry, she screams.

Judge Marlene Wett: And when I need to wake up, she shoots her gun.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Are we still doing my case?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Yeah, yeah, we solved it.

Judge Marlene Wett: Yeah, we release you for your own renaissance.

Judge Christina Miami: Go.

Narrator: Don’t worry. What these ladies lack in understanding of the law, they make up for in catchphrases.

Judge Marlene Wett: Eat dirt.

Judge Christina Miami: Don’t hold my breath.

Judge Linda Christina: Don’t give me boogers and tell me it’s broccoli.

Judge Christina Miami: I think I’m getting off on this.

Judge Marlene Wett: You dumb bitch.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: All right, speak up. If you mumble, you’re going to jail.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Well, these three boys threw a house party in my vacation rental and cost $5 million in damages and now my house is just a burning crater.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re sorry, ma’ams.

Kevin Jonas: We were just boys having fun.

Nick Jonas: But that fun knocked down the house. And that’s not okay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: In your words, what the hell happened?

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: Well, I spilled the snacks.

Kevin Jonas: I brought my skateboard into the living room.

Nick Jonas: And then, I set the house on fire.

Jonas Brothers: We accept the consequences of our horseplay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is it. I cannot take it anymore. You are my sons.

Judge Linda Christina: You’re all our sons.

Judge Christina Miami:God, you are perfect.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re not going to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: No, no. We’re all going to dinner. Where’s that dog? Where’s the dog?

[Ends with an outro]

Judge court. On every day for 100 years.

Beauty and the Beast | Season 44 Episode 20

Mrs. Potts… Emma Thompson

Beauty… Cecily Strong

Beast… Beck Bennett

Dumbbell…Kyle Mooney

Swing Weight… Kenan Thompson

Barbell… Melissa Villaseñor

Chafe… Pete Davidson

Shake weight… Mikey Day

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: We now return to live action ‘Beauty and the Beast’, exclusively on the Disney channel and Growl, the hookup site for gay bears.

[Cut to a scene from Beauty and the Beast dancing and Mrs. Potts is singing.]

Mrs. Potts: Tale as old as time

true as it can be

barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast holding hands and dancing slowly.]

Beauty: Just a little change

small to say the least

Beast: Both a little scared neither one prepared

[Cut to Beauty, Beast and Mrs. Potts]

Everybody: Beauty and the beast

Beast: Thank you, Mrs. Potts.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, it’s no trouble. I’m just happy to see you two growing closer.

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast]

Beauty: He’s not quite the beast I thought he was.

Beast: And you’re not too bad yourself. Listen, I’m going to hit the gym. You want to meet up for dinner later?

Beauty: Oh, you go to the gym?

Beast: Yeah. Yeah. I put a gym in the basement. Why do you think I’m so jacked?

Beauty: Because you’re a beast.

Beast: Have you ever seen a buffalo before? They’re fat as hell. No, babe, I’ve got to hit the gym at least four times a week. Strive for five.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]
Dumbbell: What’s this part of the castle?

[Cut to Everybody]

Beast: Hey, what are you doing? Get out of here.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, you left the gym door unlocked, so we thought we’d come and find you.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god! The equipment in the gym came to life too?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beauty: And you’ve kept them locked in the basement for the past 10 years?

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Has it been 10 years? There are no clocks in the beast’s gym.

Swing weight: Yeah. Just posters of Britney Spears when she was 17.

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: Okay, okay. I think she’s now 18. And those were in the castle before I bought it. I left them up as a joke.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: And you should hear the little affirmations the Beast whispers to himself. “Big boy going to get swole. Papa, got to get that juicy thigh meat.”

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No, no. I never talk about my thigh meat like that. I don’t.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Barbell: Let’s sing the workout song.

[cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: The workout song?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No idea what that is.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Yes, you do. It’s your favorite.

[Music stars playing]

Dumbbell and Swing weight and Barbell: 

I’ll take you to the candy shop

I’ll let you lick the lollipop.

Beast: No, no, no. Stop. [Cut to Beauty and the Beast] Stop that. I’ve never heard that song before. Let me get you guys back downstairs. All right? Might even make the witch’s spell even worse.

[Mrs. Potts joins]

Mrs. Potts: You really are beast. And to think my son looks up to you.

Beauty: Your son chip?

Mrs. Potts: No, my other son, Chafe.

[Chafe joins]

Chafe: Hey, mom. Good to see you, Beast.

Beauty: A cup with fur? Oh, my god. You had sex with Mrs. Potts?

Beast: I was alone in castle for eight years. What the hell was I supposed to do?

Beauty: Not have sex with a magical teapot!

Beast: Yeah, but she’s got that sexy accent.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Mrs. Potts: Wilbur, could you please not do this in front of Chafe?

Chafe: Ah, it’s cool. I’ve seen way worse stuff online. I’ve done the momo challenge like twice.

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: First of all, could we go back to Wilbur? Your real name is Wilbur?

Beast: Oh, yeah. ‘Cause Belle’s super cool, right? What’s your first name? Door?

Beauty: My first name’s Belle, you doofus. God, I can’t believe I fell for my kidnapper again.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight. Shake weight joins them.]
Shake weight: Did the evil beast let us out?

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god. What is that?

[Cut to Shake weight and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, he’s a shake weight, isn’t he? The beast bought him eight years ago and he never used him.

Shake weight: Shake weight? Friend?

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: You guys all deserve each other. Good-bye, Wilbur.

[Beauty leaves]

Beast: Yeah? Well, your loss. I’ve still got two days left to break the curse. So I ain’t sweating it.

Mrs. Potts: Oh, that’s not good.

Beast: No, you’re going to be a teapot forever.

[Chafe leaves]

Mrs. Potts: Well, maybe that’s not bad.

[Cut to Swing weight]

Swing weight: Tale as gross as slime

[Cut to Beast and Mrs. Potts holding hands and dancing]

a thing you can’t unsee

Mrs. Potts: Barely even drunk

I brushed against his junk accidentally

[Cut to Everybody]

Barbell: how would they even mate

strange to say the least

Beast: Don goes in the spout

baby cup comes out

teapot and the beast

Sandler Family Reunion | Season 44 Episode 19

Waiter… Chris Redd

Adam Sandler

Ring… Kyle Mooney

Mac… Mikey Day

Shawn Mendez

Ron Bacon… Kenan Thompson

Janet Sandler Bacon… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Bobby… Melissa Villaseñor

Chubbs… Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Dad… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Waiter serving beer to Adam]

Waiter: Here’s your Heineken, Mr. Sandler.

Adam Sandler: Cool.

Waiter: [In Billi Madison voice] So cold! Do you want to drink tiny? Like Billy Madison.

Adam Sandler: I got that, that’s very funny.

Waiter: If you don’t mind me asking, how do you come up with all your characters and stuff?

Adam Sandler: I don’t know, I think they just kind of come to me.

Waiter: That’s kind of a lame answer, all right. Enjoy your reunion.

Adam Sandler: Yeah, there’s lots of Sandlers here, it’s a sandstorm.

Waiter: All right.

[Waiter leaves]

[Ring and Mac joins Adam]

Ring: Hello, Mr. Hollywood big shot.

Adam Sandler: It’s cousin Ring, cousin Mac, good to see you.

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Yes sir. Habito-poo-poo!

Mac: Habito-pee-poo!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Habito-yahoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Mac: Adam, I was so excited when I heard you were coming, I was like, “Habito-woo-hoo!”

Adam Sandler: I don’ know. It’s been forever. How have you guys been?

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Trying to get my real estate license now. Who knows, we shall see-hoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Great! Good luck.

Mac: As for me, [Cut to Ring and Mac] I got a– got-a-divorce. Very messy.

Ring: She was screwing his best friend.

Mac: Ha-ha. Shut up!

Ring: You shut up!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Shut up! Come on! There’s kids here. Oh, my god, is that my nephew Shawn? He’s still at the kids’ table.

[Shawn is sitting at the kid’s table with two other kids]

Shawn: What’s wrong? Want some McDonald’s? Will somebody get this kid a happy meal?

[Cut to Pete with a mic announcing]

Pete: Excuse me. May I have everyone’s attention, please. Hello, Sandlers.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Pete: I just wanted to say, big hand for Ron Bacon and Janet Sandler Bacon for planning this whole thing.

[Cut to Janet and Ron]

Janet Sandler Bacon: Our pleasure. A-habida-dibada-doo!

Ron Bacon: Yes, yes. You know, I’m still not great at this, you all are doing an little invisible Clarinet thing. Is that what it is? It doesn’t matter. Slibida-bib-bap!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We’re so happy to have cousin Adam this year. Watch what you say about him because you might end up in one of his movies.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: What? I don’t use your guys for material.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I don’t know about that, Adam. Because now I saw a movie where you picked someone who looked just like me. I seen that on the big ‘ol screen and said, “Hey, that’s me up there”.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: No, I promise you, Bobby, Bouchet is not based on you.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know that, dear, I was talking about the Big Daddy movie.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Not that either. I can promise you.

[Cut to Chubbs]

Chubbs: I know Happy Gilmore, the Chubbs was based on me. How do I know this? A, my first name is Chubbs. B, I have a fake hand. And C, I’m a golf instructor. It’s all in the hips. You stole that from me.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: All right, maybe a borrowed some stuff from you guys. I swear to you, I didn’t do that a lot.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yes, sure you didn’t. Everybody’s enjoying the party.

[Beck joins Pete]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Excuse me. Are we going to do the karaoke now?

Pete: Oh, no! The Karaoke is canceled.

Beck Bennett: Oh, okay. Cool. Once again, something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: I’m going to go say hi to my mother, wish me luck. [Adam walks to his mom] Hi ma, great to see you. What do you think of the reunion? This is a whole family–

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: They’re not laughing, they love me.

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Come on, ma, be nice.

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: No!

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Ma, stop.

Mom: No

Adam Sandler: Shut up!

Dad: Why don’t you shut up.

[Dad comes in]

Adam Sandler: Papa. How are you doing?

Dad: [Speaking things that’s not understandable, but Adam Sandler is understand]

Adam Sandler: Oh!

Dad: That’s right, but the doctor says it’s nothing to worry about.

Adam Sandler: Oh, good.

Dad: How about I sing the Sandler family song. I wrote it 70 years ago.

Adam Sandler: No, nobody wants to hear that. I wouldn’t want to do that. And nobody wants to hear that.

Dad: I just want to. I would be great if I did that.

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights

Adam Sandler: I agree with mother. Let’s take a picture. Yo, come on, Colbert. Snap us. [Cut to everybody getting together for a family picture] Everyone get in. Okay. Come on. Stop looking at me. Shawn. Come on, take the picture. Take it. Ready? One, two, three.

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Hobby Song – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Melissa Villaseñor

Emma Stone

[Starts with Melissa opening the Emma’s door] [Emma is reading her script]

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, Emma. Welcome back.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Hey, Melissa. It’s good to see you. How have you been?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Frickin’ great. I’m so happy.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: That’s great. I mean last time I was here, it was your first season, right?

Melissa Villaseñor: Yep. [Cut to Melissa] And I’ve grown so much since then. [Cut to Emma agreeing] Especially in the self-love/confidence department. [Cut to Melissa laughs]

[Cut to Emma feeling awkward]

Emma Stone: Hmm, well, that’s cool. I’ll see ya.

[Cut to Emma let’s herself in]

Melissa Villaseñor: You know? I just had to look at myself and say, hey, [Cut to Emma and Melissa] you’re cool, Meliss. [Cut to Melissa] Let yourself rejoice in who you are. And you know what? I found a lot of peace through my hobbies.

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Emma Stone: That’s neat.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, you want to hear about them?

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I mean I have to learn this –

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Great. I’m going to rap.

[Cut to music video of Melissa’s rap]

Yo, this goes out to all the hobby enthusiasts
when I’m not at work, what do I do?
do sexy Melissa things that I’m into
They’re called hobbies
ha-ha- I’m talking hobbies

Creative artsy type
that’s me all right
late at night drawing with my pixar light
gotta get the shading on my face just right
I’m doing a self-portrait in charcoal ya’ll, it’s crazy

[The portrait is singing]

These are my hobbies
These are my hobbies

I like biking, hiking, smelling my books
like drawing, painting, cooking for one
I sowing, knitting, smelling my books
I like napping, walking up and talking like Gandalf

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Emma Stone: Wait, hold up. Gandalf?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hmm-mm. I wake up and go, [In Gandalf voice] “That was a good nap.”

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Awesome. And you smell your books?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, yeah, you got to smell books.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I’m sorry to do this but I really have to get going.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh! I’m almost done, though.

Emma Stone: Okay.

[Cut to Melissa’s rap music video]

Melissa Villaseñor: I just ordered some sick binoculars
so I could bird watch and study these big old birds
Jealous? J-J-J-jealous? Yeah, you’re jealous.
I like dreaming, singing, working on my posture

notebooks, planners, hugging my backpack
I like silence, karate, get away from my backpack
Everyone wants my art supplies that are inside my backpack.

Get your own!

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Announcer: We need Emma on set. Emma stone to the set. Please.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Oh, shoot. They need me on set. So annoying.

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, no, [Cut to Melissa] that sounds annoying. Almost as annoying as when someone interrupts you while you’re rapping about your hobbies.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I don’t think I’ve interrupted.

Melissa Villaseñor: [Cut to Melissa] Twice. You’ve interrupted twice. [Melissa stands] [Sad music plays] Emma Stone? More like, I’m a stone because stones don’t have feelings. And that’s you.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I am not a stone. The truth is I do have a hobby. I was just embarrassed.

[Cut to Melissa sits in front of Emma]

Melissa Villaseñor: Never be embarrassed of your hobby. It’s a part of you.

[Cut to Emma and Melissa]

Emma Stone: I’m going to rap now.

[Cut to music video of Emma’s rap]

Out of tiny town full of figurines
I’ve been carving them since I was 15
It’s called Emmaville and I’m the queen
it’s a cutest little town you’ve ever seen

Barry the mailman, Peter the jester
And the town gossip who’s name is chester
A cheeky little goof who’s full of secrets
a whole lot more that I’ll tell you all about.

[Cut to Melissa. She is shocked.]

Melissa Villaseñor: [In announcer voice] Melissa to set, please. Oh, you heard him. I gotta go.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Well, hey maybe we could – and she’s gone.

Melissa Villaseñor and Emma Stone: These are our hobbies

The View: Jenny McCarthy on Vaccines – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Whoopi Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joy Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Megan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Jenny McCarthy… Emma Stone

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Let’s get ready to rumble.

[Cut to everybody in The View set]

Whoopi Goldberg: Hello, hello, hello. This is The View. [Cut to Whoopi] I’m Whoopi Goldberg and I’m as surprised as you that this show is a fit for me. Later we’ll be talking toes, why so nasty? But up first, today’s hot topics, President Trump tweeted that he is considering dumping illegal immigrants into sanctuary cities. Are these the type of policies we can look forward to now that Kirstjen Nielsen is out? [Cut to Whoopi and Abby] Abby Huntsman, we’ll start with you.

Abby Huntsman: [Cut to Abby] You want to start with me? Okay. Homeland Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will always be known as the lady who puts kids in cages. And as a human mother, I don’t like that. But as a conservative daughter, I got to ask, why are we ignoring the weird ‘J’ in Kirstjen’s name? And what else is she hiding? Oops! Did I talk too long, Whoopi?

[Cut to Whoopi and Abby]

Whoopi Goldberg: You did good. You did good, baby.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Is it my turn? Oh, yeah. Hot tick alert. I don’t like Trump. Trump, Trump, what a chump. Trump, Trump, what a dump. Okay, look, it’s my 2000th show. At this point I get paid by the word.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Mr. Trump, what are you doing to families at the border? It is shameful. It is nasty. It is broccoli in the microwave. I don’t like it. I don’t want to see it because it is shameful. It is nasty. It is—oh, no. I got stuck in a loop. Sorry.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can I just say something as the princess of Arizona? There is a crisis at the border, and the border is right up in my Arizona, which was founded on sunburnt women selling turquoise jewelry, not rando Mexicans. And that’s not racist because my make up artist is gay.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Okay. This is the problem, you’re demonizing entire countries full of nice people.

[Cut to Joy and Megan]

Megan McCain: Okay, I did not say that.

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me talk?

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me talk because it’s actually your job to listen to me.

[Cut to Joy. She is angry. The lights are focused on her][Dramatic music plays]

[Cut to Megal peeking at her]

[Cut to Abby looking at them with a pack of popcorn]

[Cut to Ana taking a video of them with her cell phone]

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, okay. Okay, stop it. [Cut to everybody] We not going to do this. This is the ‘The View’. We are five best friends with nothing in common.

Abby Huntsman: Okay. We need to reset. Everybody close your eyes. Now open them. Paul Rudd is 50. What?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: If Paul Rudd’s 50, I’m dead.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Paul Rudd looks so young because he’s a good person. This is Paul Rudd at 50. [Cut to a picture of Paul Rudd] [Cut to Ana] And this is Steven Miller as a baby. [cut to picture of a baby body with Steven Miller’s face] [Cut to Ana] He will eat you from the inside.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Absolutely.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Our guest today is the vixen of anti-vax. Please welcome former ‘View’ co-host Jenny McCarthy.

[Cut to Jenny entering the stage from a door][Music playing]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, my god. [Jenny sits on her chair]

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Welcome back, Jenny.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, it’s good to be back, Whoop. Do you still do that thing where you kick each other under the table?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: No.

Jenny McCarthy: Ow. [Looks at Joy]

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: So, Jenny, you’ve been at the forefront of the anti-vaccination movement for years. But what was the tea on the mast singer? Did you know that the pineapple was Tommy Chong?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: No. I actually thought it was Barack Obama.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Ana Navarro: Okay. Back to the anti-vax thing.

Jenny McCarthy: Yes. [Cut to Jenny] I don’t believe in vaccinations. My doctor is Google. My science is twitter, and my religion is Donny Wahlberg.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Megan McCain: Amen, sister.

Jenny McCarthy: I mean [Cut to Jenny] these vaccinations are so unnecessary like the polio vaccine. How many people do you know with polio?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: None, because we get vaccinated.

Jenny McCarthy: And that’s your opinion.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: But what about the measles outbreak? I mean you have to vaccinate your kids.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Well, I think reddit would disagree, and that’s why I’m organizing a rally against measles with all the people who aren’t vaccinated, hundreds of us in a big group, marching down the center of the city.

[Cut to Whoopi acting concerned]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay. When exactly is that?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: That’s the weekend.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: I will be out of town.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: But what the left fails to understand is that vaccinations are a personal liberty issue.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Great, let them go extinct.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can you let me talk?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can I punch you in the face?

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: No, no, no. We’ll be back. This is The View. No.

[Ends with an outro]

Ladies Room – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Emma Stone

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in a room. The music is playing.]

Ego Nwodim: Oh-oh.

Cecily Strong: I had to leave my one bedroom, two bath rental to come to this?

Leslie Jones: Sorry, girl, but you had to get here.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. These women have their hands all over your man.

Cecily Strong: Ooh, I cannot hear this today. This makes me much, much, crazy insane. And girlfriend, you know I’m already most of the way there.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. Didn’t your psychiatrist say he wouldn’t take your money anymore?

Cecily Strong: Listen girls, I’m not going to stoop to the level of a J-A-W. Jackass woman. Because things might get crazilus.

Leslie Jones: Crazilus? Did you mean to say that?

Cecily Strong: No. Let’s go somewhere where we can talk in private.

[Cecily, Emma and Leslie start dancing and moving]

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: You do not need this.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: He owes you everything.

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: He was gay before he met you.

Everybody: We’ll be back pretty soon

Emma Stone: He has his green card because of you.

[A band comes in the room]

Everybody: Oh, oh, oh, oh

Emma Stone: It’s your brother and his electric dancing chair.

Everybody: I don’t know but I think there’s something up with your man
Something up with your man
cause he’s out there bragging that he just bought a purple Trans-Am.
That’s his mama’s car.

I’m going to meet you in the ladies room.

Cecily Strong: These women just keep pushing me.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: But you’re mad at him too, right?

Everybody: I’m going to meet you in the ladies room

Cecily Strong: No, just those nasty, nasty women

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Leslie Jones: I think your anger is misplaced

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

We’ll be back real soon.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey! [Music stops] What the hell is going on in here?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: We’re all dancing in the ladies room.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Shut up.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Her man has been giving her headaches, so we’re discussing it in the ladies room.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily Strong: But I’m not mad at him. Just those CHWs, those chicken-headed women.

[Cut to the women]

Ego Nwodim: So get out of here, sir. This is a ladies restroom.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: This is not a restroom.

[Cut to the women]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yes, it is. It’s the ladies room at club Vortex.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: No, it is not. This is a fitting room at Limited Express.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Then why did I go to the bathroom in there?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Why did you what? [Kenan runs to the door and looks in there] Oh, my – this is a mess all over this room. Didn’t you see there wasn’t no toilet in there? Huh? This is a fitting room. There is so much mess. How many of y’all went?

[Cut to the women. They all raise their hands.]

Leslie Jones: I went five times because I drank two boxes of wine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: What is wrong with you people? This is Limited Express. Why don’t you know that?

[Cut to the women]

Cecily Strong: Since when it is a Limited Express and not club Vortex anymore?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Since Christmas. It was in the paper. They got shut down for serving tainted burger meat.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Who keeps up with all that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: There wasn’t no toilet in the room.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: I wondered why I was going in front of a three-way mirror. What kind of ladies room is that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Again, this is not a ladies room. And what is your deal anyway, man? You’re not even a lady.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: No. I’m eye candy. Plus this is my chair that I own.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Get out before I call the police. Man, I got to clean this whole thing up before 6 AM.

[Cut to everybody] [Music starts playing, everyone is leaving while dancing]

Everybody: We’re gonna meet you in the ladies room.

Kenan Thompson: You are kidding me. Every single stall?

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Kenan Thompson: No, you won’t. You are banned.

Leslie Jones: I have to pee before I leave.

Emma Stone Four-Timers Monologue – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Emma Stone

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band is playing music]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Stone. [Cheers and applause]

[Emma comes in from the door and walks to the stage]

[Cheers and applause]

Emma Stone: Thank you, thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. And before we get started, I just wanted to test the sound levels. So, BTS is here! [Cheers and applause] Okay. Are the microphones okay? Everyone’s okay? Okay, good. Okay, good. We’re good to go. Great. SNL has always been such a huge part of my family’s life. My grandpa Donald and my grandma Nene introduced it to my mom and her siblings. And then my mom introduced it to me and we especially loved Gilda Radner, who made us laugh nonstop. And it became a huge dream to even be anywhere near this place and tonight is my fourth time hosting. [Cheers and applause] And my mom and Nene are both here to see it. So, my real family is meeting my SNL family. It’s a really special night. And I know the fifth time is the big one where they pull out all the stops and they induct you into the five-timers club. I have seen some of the cast walking around the whispering like they’re kind of—I don’t know, planning something for my fourth show. I don’t know. I might be wrong. I might be wrong. But I they did, I just hope they don’t go too overboard, you know? Oh, Kenan. Hey, Kate. Get over here.

[Kenan and Kate join Emma on stage]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up? How’s it going?

Emma Stone: Are you guys planning something for me?

Kate McKinnon: Such as?

Emma Stone: Guys, just please promise me you’re not going to sing some special song that you wrote just for me for my fourth show.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, we promise.

Kate McKinnon: Hard promise.

Emma Stone: Because, even though I know you play guitar.

Kate McKinnon: Kind of.

[Emma passes a guitar to Kate]

Emma Stone: Like this one for instance, it’s okay if you didn’t write a song for me. Like that was silly for me to even think something like that. That was silly.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, no. We could—we’ll do – we have a special song.

Kenan Thompson: Yes. Yes, we do. We wrote it and here it is.

Emma Stone: Oh, my god. I asked you not to do this. What?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, nice.

Kate McKinnon: I remember

Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon: When she used to host
And now she’s hosting
Oh, Emma, she hosts
Oh, Emma, she hosts

Kenan Thompson: There you go. Thank you very much.

Emma Stone: That was so sweet. An original song just for me. Thank you. Thank you. But you swear you didn’t get me any like thoughtful presents or anything, right?

[Aidy Bryant joins the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, yes. Yes. It’s actually – it’s – [Cut to Emma and Aidy] yeah. It’s time for the gifts that of course we have planned for you. So, I got you this beautiful silver bracelet.

Emma Stone: Oh, Aidy, I love it. You had it engraved. That’s so sweet. Penicillin allergy. That’s so cool. [Cut to everybody] You guys are amazing. That’s amazing. But don’t have any like special guests here to surprise me or something, do you?

Aidy Bryant: Yes. Yes. We –

Emma Stone: What? We definitely do.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, but you know what? They are very shy.

Kate McKinnon: So you’ll need a blindfold.

Emma Stone: Okay.

[Emma puts on a blindfold]

[Kenan bring Melissa to the stage]

Kenan Thompson: Yes, we found someone very cool, folks, who just happened to be in town. This is Owen Wilson.

Melissa Villaseñor: [Mimicking Owen Wilson] Hey, Emma, wow, way to go.

Emma Stone: That’s cool. Hey, Owen.

Kenan Thompson: And this is Ash from pokemon.

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, it’s Ash Ketchum. You’re my favorite pokemon.

Emma Stone: That’s a cartoon.

Kenan Thompson: But we saved the best for last. Oprah.

Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t have an Oprah. You do it.

[Kyle Mooney joins the stage]

Kyle Mooney: [Trying to mimic Oprah] Wow, so many cars born in Chicago.

Emma Stone: Wait. Is this Kyle? [Emma opens her blindfold] Oh, my god. You guys got Kyle? This is officially the best night of my life.

[Chris comes to the stage with a denim jacket with 4 written on it with a marker]

Chris Redd: Don’t forget the four timer jacket.

Emma Stone: Oh, my god. Wow. Thanks guys. Oh, my god. We got a great show. BTS is here. Kyle is here. [Cheers and applause] So, stick around. We’ll be right back. You got Kyle?

 

Jail Cell Cold Open – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Prison Guard … Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Aunt Becky …Kate McKinnon

Brother Wallace

Michael Avenatti … Pete Davidson

Julian Assange …Michael Keaton

Tekashi 69 … Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with intro]

Narrator: Brought to you by MSNBC. Now that the Mueller report turned out to be a big fat zero. Right now it’s Lock Up, Chino correctional facility.

[Cut to prison guard and Chris. Prison guard is locking Chris in jail.]

Prison Guard: Good luck in there. And, hey, have fun.

Chris Redd: Yeah, thanks. [Chris walks in the jail] I really appreciate that.

[Cut to Chris, Kenan and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: What are you in here for?

Chris Redd: Little robbery. Ain’t going to stick though. How about you, little man?

Kyle Mooney: What the hell did you just say? [Kyle stands with rage]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, both of you all sit down.

Kyle Mooney: I’m in here for assault, bitch. You want a reenactment.

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey!

Chris Redd: What about you, old man?

Kenan Thompson: Old man? Son, I’m the craziest dude in here. Stabbed my neighborhood to death and then ate his fingers so they couldn’t ID the body.

Chris Redd: Damn, that’s insane.

[Aunt Becky walks in]

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah? You think that’s insane? I paid 500 grand to get my daughter into USC.

Chris Redd: Wait, what?

Aunt Becky: You heard me. [Cut to Aunt Becky, Chris and Kenan] I paid 500 grand to a women’s crew coach to say my daughter was good at rowing. I’m loco.

Kenan Thompson: Hold up. You paid 500 grand for USC?

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah. And that’s not including the 300 grand I blew on tuition.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my god. What did your daughter major in?

Aunt Becky: Communications. Yeah. And you know what her job is now? She’s an influencer on Instagram.

Kenan Thompson: Stop it. I can’t hear anymore. Guards, get her away from me!

Aunt Becky: Hey, I own the guards in here. I helped their kids get into a really competitive pre-k.

Chris Redd: Wait a second. Are you Aunt Becky?

[Aunt Becky takes a pencil out and points it towards Chris to stab him]

Aunt Becky: Say that again?

Chris Redd: All right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is it Lori? Do I call you Lori?

Aunt Becky: No, no. I have a new name now.

Brother Wallace: Brother Becky.

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Brother Wallace]

Aunt Becky: Yes, Brother Wallace.

Brother Wallace: You forgot your Kufi?

Aunt Becky: I did? Well, to quote Stephanie Tanner, “How rude!”

[Cut to everybody. Brother Wallace leaves.]

Chris Redd: Wait. So you’re in the nation of Islam now?

Aunt Becky: That’s right. [Aunt Becky sits beside Chris] I bought my way in for 100 grand. Plus another 100 for them to stop calling me the White Devil.

Kenan Thompson: Man, [Cut to Kenan and Kyle] you won’t survive in here more than a week?

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Chris]

Aunt Becky:  Oh, really? You think prison is hard. I have done 68 hallmark movies, I have seen hell man! And in half of those hallmark movies I marry Santa’s son, so I have lost all sense of reality. I’m going to take your heart and I’m going to cut it out.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Damn, yo, I think being on a sitcom for 12 years drove her crazy.

[Michael comes in.]

Michael Avenatti: Did somebody say crazy?

Chris Redd: Michael Avenatti?

Michael Avenatti: Oh, you’re damn right, baby.

Chris Redd: Wait. [Cut to Chris and Kenan] How do you know this fool?

Kenan Thompson: Well, I watch a lot of Morning Joe. I’m team Mika.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle Mooney: You’re a lawyer. What are you in here for? Speeding tickets?

Michael Avenatti: Speeding tickets? Bitch, I’m accused of crimes you can’t even conceive of, [Cut to Michael] like blackmailing a sneaker company and stealing taxes from a coffee shop to fund a race car team. [Cut to everybody] And I’m so shady that a porn star once said that she needed to distance herself from me. [Cut to Michael] And you know what the worst part is? I might still run for president. Avenatti/Baldwin 2020.

[Cut to everybody]

Aunt Becky: Okay, he wins. He’s the craziest.

[Cut to Julian]

Julian Assange: Is he, though?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Yo, is that Julian Assange?

Julian Assange: Yeah.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, that makes sense. I was going to say Santa’s back on crack.

Julian Assange: That’s right. It’s me. I’m the architect of anarchy. I’m the king of chaos. I’m the scourge of the cleaning staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy.

[Kyle walks to Julian]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah? What’s the big deal? Old man doesn’t look so tough.

Julian Assange: You want to throw down, amigo? [Cut to Julian and Kyle] You want to? I hope you’re proud of every single photo in your iPod because , boom, all your ding dong pics just went on the internet.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, right.

Julian Assange: Yeah, yeah. Hey, you remember that notes folder you had? What was that called? Ideas for shark tank.

Kyle Mooney: How did you know about that?

Julian Assange: I know everything, baby.

Kyle Mooney: But my password has letters and numbers.

[Cut to everybody]

Julian Assange: Now, you sons of bitches want to hear how crazy I am? Here’s how crazy I am. [Cut to Julian] I’m wanted in the US and Sweden. I’m from Australia. I live in London in Ecuqador. You try figuring that one out. [Cut to everybody] Yeah, you cheat your schools and you know you rob your companies. [Cut to Julian] That’s cute. It is, yeah. I’ve attacked the US military bitches, because I’m an actual James Bond super villain and I’m one step away from destroying the goddamn moon. So you want to get nuts? Come on, let’s get nuts.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael Avenatti: Okay. He wins. I yield my time.

Julian Assange: Thank you. [Cut to Julian] Is there a bathroom around here because I really have to take a wikileak.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, it’s over there in the corner.

Chris Redd: Yeah, but watch out for that dude, man, because he must be in here for something crazy.

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

[Cut to Chris and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! You mean Takashi 69? Hey, Tekashi, you in here for something crazy?

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Tekashi 69: Nah, just robbery and gun stuff. It’s stupid!

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Michael Avenatti: We may both regret this but Takashi, do you need a lawyer? See, prison’s fun.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Bachelorette Party | Season 44 Episode 17

Ego Nwodim

Erin… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Brian… Kit Harrington

Leslie Jones

Melissa Villaseñor

Mary… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a group of ladies having a bachelorette party]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, I would like to propose a toast to Erin and Brian.

Everybody: To Erin and Brian.

Erin: Thank you girls so much for throwing me this bachelorette party, it’s so nice having all my girls on one room, my high school friends and my real friends.

Aidy Bryant: What?

[The door knocks]

Ego Nwodim: Who could that be, a surprise visitor?

Erin: Oh, my god, you guys, I said no strippers.

Ego Nwodim: Okay, I think you’re going to like this one.

[Ego Nwodim goes to get the door]

Brian: Hello, ladies.

[Cut to the ladies]

Erin: Brian, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Ego and Brian]

Brian: Tonight, I’m not just your fiancé. I’m the entertainment.

[Cut to the ladies]

Leslie Jones: Wait, you fiancé is going to strip for you? That’s actually really sweet.

Melissa Villaseñor: And hot. I’ve been thinking I might want to see Brian’s body.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Hit it. [Music starts playing] Ladies, prepare yourselves for burlesque!

[Brian opens his jacket and starts dancing slowly. He’s wearing a female stripper’s clothes.]

[Cut to Erin, Ego and Aidy]

Erin: Oh, my god!

Aidy Bryant: Wait. Is that the same thing as stripping?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: The art of slowly wearing less is burlesque. I hope you’re ready for the ‘40s because you’re about to see some bespoke ass. [Brian slaps his own ass]

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Brian, are you wearing heels?

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Oh, just little ones for posture. [Cut to Brian] Now, shh and prepare to edge as you watch me take off my glove. [Brian takes off his gloves]

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: Did he just say edge?

Melissa Villaseñor: Faster! Show us your buddy uddy uddy.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Patience, ladies. Soon Eva Braun will reveal all.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ego Nwodim: And Eva Braun is—

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: My stage name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Erin: Eva Braun is Hitler’s girlfriend, right?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: No, wife.

Brian: I’m so naughty. See my leg, it’s covered in hair.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, yes. Thighs are good. Mama like.

Leslie Jones: Is it just me or—is he not really getting naked?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: This is burlesque.

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Oh, my god, who are you?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: I’m Mary. I teach your husband the art of seducing. Men are not meant for the tease. But, thankfully your husband is no man.

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Oh, thank you. I’m sorry, you’re a dance teacher?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Teacher, prostitute, ghost.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Naughty girl, looky looky and you might see my cookie cookie.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Finally. I think he’s going to show us his body.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Very close. It’s actually a tiny fan. [Brian shows a small fan]

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: [Laughs] And he’s still not naked.

[Cut to everybody. Brian jumps on to the table.]

Ego Nwodim: Well, Brian, nice big panties.

Brian: Oh, thanks. I tucked.

Erin: You tucked?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Of course he tucked. It must be in the car seat, otherwise it flies through the window.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Oh, no, I felt a pop in my tuck. My tuck is popped and I ducked.

[Mary walks to Brian]

Mary: Just move often to the finale, okay? Look at down there, they are edging so hard.

[Brian jumps off the table]

Brian: This is for my wife.

[Brian opens his clothes. He’s wearing an underwear.] [Everybody cheers]

[Cut to everybody]

[Erin walks to Brian]

Erin: Oh! Brian, my goodness, that was [Cut to Erin and Brian] one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen. But you worked so hard on it and you did it for me. And I can’t wait to marry you.

Brian: Thank you, baby. I love you.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, great job. I’m going to be thinking about that body for a long time.

[Cut to Erin and Brian]

Brian: Well, thanks sis.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: That’s your sister?

Weekend Update: Astronaut Anne McClain | Season 44 Episode 16

Michael Che

Ann McClain… Aidy Bryant

Christina … Melissa villaseñor

Nick… Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Earlier this week two female astronauts on the International Space Station were set to make history with the first ever all-female space walk, but it was canceled by NASA because there was only one space suit that could fit a woman. Here to comment is the female astronaut who did not get to space walk, Ann McClain.

[Ann McClain joins Michael Che]

Ann McClain: Hi there! Hello. Hi.

Michael Che: So this has got to be disappointing for you.

Ann McClain: [Sounding very upset] No. No, not at all. [Cut to Ann McClain] I’m practical. I get it. Only one woman suit, so Christina did the space walk with my colleague Nick and they swam in the stars and they know what it is to be god looking down on to earth and me inside the window and it’s all okay.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Well, from the way you’re talking, it sounds like you’re a little upset.

Ann McClain: Nope, nope.

Michael Che: Because it’s still a major accomplishment to go to space.

Ann McClain: Oh, totally, yes. [Cut to Ann McClain] I worked my whole life, flew 1,600 hours. You know, became helicopter pilot. Did 216 combat missions in the United States army and got two masters degrees in Aerospace Engineering. But then space shirt and pants were the wrong size. So unfortunately the dream gotta die.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: But you still got to go space.  You just didn’t get to do the spacewalk.

Ann McClain: Yeah, I got to go to space. [Cut to Ann McClain] I got to do all of the chill stuff like being shot into the sky like a bullet on fire. And then once I got there, I got to eat all the stake dust. You konw, be wizzing in my tube. And you know, the business of space.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: It’s okay to be a little mad. I think most people here who know that’s unfair.

Ann McClain: I’m not mad at all. I’m not mad. You know, they can make a special space suit for a dog or a special space suit for a monkey, but a human girl, only one get to be moon queen. And so, yeah, I’m actually happy as hell!

Michael Che: Happy as hell? Really?

[Cut to Ann McClain]

Ann McClain: Yeah! Even got the happy tears. And the cool thing about crying in space, Michael, is that your tears keep floating around hours after you cry them.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Well, this is actually exciting. We have the live feed from the space walk right now.

Ann McClain: Wow, and nobody told me that was going to happen. But excited.

Michael Che: Do we have them yet? [Cut to live video of Nick and Christina in space] Hey, guys, how is it going out there?

Christina: It’s amazing. Truly gorgeous to see that big, blue marvle. Really makes my multiple tours at Palmer station and Artica worth it.

Nick: And I’m Nick!

Ann McClain: I’m so happy for my friends!

Nick: This is my fifth space walk. It’s almost a chore at this point. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ann McClain]

Ann McClain: And I do love hearing that! Wow, but  to all of my little girls out there, I just want to say you can all become astronauts, just not at the same time.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Ann McClain everybody.

Ann McClain: It’s good. She gone.

Michael Che: Wekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

[Colin Jost joins]

Colin Jost : I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.