Tag: Season 40

Weekend Update Garth And Kat Sing Hanukkah Songs

Michael Che

Kat… Kristen Wiig

Garth… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Tonight marks the 5th night of Hanukkah and here to pitch us on their idea for great last minute Hanukkah gift, please welcome celebrated song writer, Garth and Kat.

[Kat and Garth slide in putting on make up.]

[cheers and applause]

Kat: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Garth: Sorry. So sorry about that. Yeah, it took me longer than usual to man-escape. So sorry.

Kat: And I was taking down our Christmas tree.

Michael Che: Wait, taking down? Christmas is a week away.

Kat: No, I wasn’t taking it down like that. I was taking it down like, ‘You suck, you don’t look right.’

Garth: Yeah, it deserved it.

Kat: It really did.

Michael Che: Okay, so I understand you have a brand new Hanukkah album.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: Yeap! We sure do.

Kat: We sure do, yeap!

Michael Che: Okay, well I’m really excited to hear some of your new Hanukkah songs. What’ the name of the album?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: The name of the album?

Kat: Oh, thanks for asking.

Garth: It’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Hanukkah is one of the only things that you’re assure to know. And don’t we all?”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you have actually written an album, right?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah!

Kat: Uh, yeah! And guess what? It rocks!

Garth: Yeah! It rocks… the Jews all night long. And here’s a song from my– this one’s called…

Kat and Garth: Simon’s dreidel.

Kat: Song is cool.

Garth: It’s pretty cool, I have to say. Ready?

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh-wo-oh-wop!
Oh-wo-oh-wop!
there he had an idea
an idea
an idea for everyone
and they told it as a secret
and they told it as a secret

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: [interrupting] Hang on, guys. That does not sound like a written song.

Kat: Sir, don’t sir.

Garth: Come on! Don’t do that.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Sir, we’re begging you.

Kat: We have sung that song for the past four months on our national tour.

Garth: Yeah! We were in Alan town.

Kat: Pennsylvania.

Garth: Pittsburgh.

Kat: Harrisburg.

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! I thought you said it was national tour. These all places are in Pennsylvania.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Well, we also do Hawaii.

Kat: Yes, we do one night in Hawaii and then one night in Pennsylvania, then we go back to Hawaii, then we go back… Urgh!

Garth: It’s exhausting.

Kat: But our next song is really good. I think you’re gonna like this one.

Garth: Yeah! This one’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! Can you say it again? What is it?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Garth: It’s just an old song. Here we go, ready?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh, there was a dreidel I saw in the snow
and the snow was in the pile
the snow was in the pile
pile of mud
pile of mud
dig through the mud and get it with a shovel–

Michael Che: Alright! [Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth] Stop! Stop! You clearly have not written anything. I don’t think there’s an album at all.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Oh, you don’t think so, huh? [Garth takes his CD out.] Well, I guess I’ll just show you this.

Kat: What’s that?

Garth: What do you call this?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: I call that the Hunger Games soundtrack. You guys gotta go.

Kat: No, please.

Garth: Come on! Please.

Kat: We came all the way from the creation museum.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah! Moses had a dinosaur, did you know that?

Kat: Did you know that?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you guys have ruined Hanukkah and you wasted my time. You have to go.

Garth: No, no. Please. [Cut to Kat and Garth] Please, we mean it. For real.

Kat: Yes. We have one song.

Garth: We prepared it and everything.

Kat: Yes, it has music. Yes. We’re ready to go.

Garth: It’s very funky.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: it’s called the…

Kat and Garth: Nora in the window.

Kat: Yeap. Here we go. Ready? Hit it.

[funky music playing]

[Kat and Garth start rocking their bodies.]

Kat and Garth: Hanukkah is just eight nights
but our joy will last all year

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, now this sounds like a real song.

[music stops]

Kat and Garth: And I saw my uncle
I had couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
and they celebrate, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate

Michael Che: Garth and Kat, everybody. [cheers and applause] For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Los Angeles map and condoms at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A federal appeals court has upheld the new law requiring porn actors to wear condoms. Supporters of the law say that the decision feels good, just not, you know, as good.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a robot hand at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The number of robots in the workplace has steadily increased in the past few years, including a machine that administers sedatives. The ‘machine is called ‘Cosby-tron 5000.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rio De Janeiro’s beach.]

Colin Jost: Scientists have found a drug resistance super bacteria in the waters where Rio De Janeiro’s Olympic sailing event will be held. The super bacteria is more commonly known as Kid Rock.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of ‘SERIAL’ podcast logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the popular NPR podcast serial finished it’s twelveth episode run. For much more on this story, talk to white people.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 9 candles stand at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tuesday night marked the first night of Hanukkah, the Jewish celebration of how one word miraculously stretched into eight different spellings.

[Picture changes to Kathie Lee Gifford and Bill Cosby]

Kathie Lee Gifford revealed this week that in the late 1970s, while performing as a back up singer for Bill Cosby comedy tour, the comedian kissed her but she rejected him. More shockingly, that means she also rejected a glass of wine. Also, what the hell is a back up singer for Bill Cosby?

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of baseball cards piled up at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The creator of the modern baseball card died this week at the age of 91, when his mother threw them away without even asking.

[Picture changes to Bubba Watson]

Golfer Bubba Watson has released the Christmas rap featuring his character Bubba Claus. You can find it on the new compilation, [Picture changes to Colin Jost with his thumbs up] “Now that’s what Jost calls music.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Elton John and David Furnish.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that later this month, Elton John will marry his long time partner David Furnish. So, sorry ladies.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost and here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US and Cuban flag.]

President Obama announced this week that the US will restore diplomatic relations with Cuba after more than 50 years. Which is great news for Cuba’s Chief Export, [Picture changes to Cubans crossing the border on a boat.] Cubans.

[Picture changes to a cover photo of movie “The Interview”.]

After threats from terrorists and a massive hack by the North Korean government, Sony Pictures has pulled the movie ‘The Interview’ from theaters. So, for the first time ever, [Picture changes to Seth Rogan’s high face.] a stoner was right to feel paranoid.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cover photo of movie “The Interview”]

Michael Che: This week, Sony Pictures announced that it would not release the movie ‘The Interview’, drawing criticism for giving it to terrorist threats. Because studios of course are only supposed to give end to the threats of the actors… and directors… and producers and agents and focus groups and bloggers, theater chains, conservative groups, liberal groups and anyone with a damn twitter account.

[Picture changes to North Korean flag and FBI logo]

The FBI has confirmed that North Korea was behind the hacking of Sony Pictures. So, I want to take a moment to talk to North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un. Look, Kimberly, me and you, we’re not that different. We both take a lot of hit on the internet, we both love basketball and we both have black barbers apparently. And I get why you’re upset. You feel like the cool kids are making fun of you, but dying in a movie is a good thing. You know who else died in the movie? Bubba from Forest Gump. And his death influenced the chain of Shrimp restaurant. [Picture changes to a restaurant board that says, “Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.”] That could be you, man! That could be a 90 minute wait at Kim Jong-Un’s Times Square Grill. Which brings me to merchandising. And let me tell you something, Kimberly, your look would be a huge hit at lesbian weddings.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

In a new interview, President Obama said that there is no black man his age who hasn’t been mistaken for valet at a restaurant. “Oh, come on! That was one time,” said Joe Biden.

Singing Sisters

Bartender… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Helen… Cecily Strong

Ileen… Kate McKinnon

Throbecca… Amy adams

[Starts with “A Magical Christmas” video bumper.]

[Cut to a bar. There is one bartenders and two customers at the bar booth.]

Bartender: Another round for you gentlemen?

Kyle: You know it. I gotta forget about a dang.

Bobby: Yeah, and I gotta forget about this haircut.

[Cut to three ladies walking in]

Helen: Well, it looks like your luck is picking up.

[Kyle turns around]

Kyle: Va-va-va-hoo!

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Hi, fellas! I am Helen.

Ileen: I am Ileen.

Throbecca: And I am Throbecca.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: That’s an interesting name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Helen? Thanks, I chose it myself.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Um, okay.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: So, are you bellas gonna fuy us a drink?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Don’t you mean, “Are you fellas gonna buy us a drink?”

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Buy you a drink? Nice try mister. What do we look like?

Helen: Yeah, mister. What do we look like? Do we look the way we’re supposed to?

Ileen: Yeah, we wanna know how we look to you.\

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You look like three dangs that could use a drink. What could we get ya?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: I’ll tell ya. You pick them and make us guess what they are.

Throbecca: If we guess, we have to find the nastiest piece of garbage and chew on it.

Helen: But we don’t have to swallow it, just chew. Okay? Promise?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’ll buy you drinks but you don’t have to chew on garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Well, we will if we get it wrong. That’s the deal.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want you to do that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Yeah, right. You say that now, then cut to me guessing my drink wrong and then… I’m chewing on a trash.

Helen: But remember, we’re not swallowing it. Just chewing.

Ileen: Sometimes there’s dead mice in there.

Helen: Say, where are the trash cans in here for when the time comes?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’re not going to let you eat garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Ha-ha. You’re funny. Now, excuse us. We’ve got a song to sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Throbecca: Be right back.

[the ladies go to the stage.]

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Wow, what is with these dangs?

Kyle: That’s just how women flirt these days.

[music playing]

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Dundy Sisters.

Ileen: Here we go.

Ladies: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

Helen: We’ll be right back.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Is that the whole show?

Kyle: They’re already done?

[Cut to everybody. The ladies walk to Kyle and Bobby]

Throbecca: Well, what do you think of that?

Helen: Did you know it was us up there?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: What did we look like?

Throbecca: We were moving, right?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: You looked great and here are your drinks.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle and Bobby are passing the ladies their drinks.]

Helen: Oh! Thank you. Time to guess. And don’t worry, I remember our deal. If I guess wrong, I get to yum yum garbage.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You get to?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: These are your rules, mister.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We didn’t make up any rules.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: And please distribute the garbage equally amongst us.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want to give you any garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Yeah, right! And don’t go anywhere. We have to do our next song.

[The ladies put their glasses on the bar booth and walk to the stage.]

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Are they really gonna chew on garbage?

Bobby: I don’t know. I think these girls are on something.

Kyle: She left her purse. Check it out.

Bobby: Alright.

[Bobby takes her purse and looks through it.]

Oh, yuck! It’s just filled with garbage in here.

Kyle: Oh, it stinks. What kind of dangs are these?

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

[music playing]

Ladies: [singing] It’s almost Christmas
the tings are really tinging
and bums are really bumming
for Christmas
where were you when Santa fell
ting ting ting

[the ladies ccme off the stage]

Ileen: Hey, where are you going?

Kyle: We’re out of here.

Bobby: Yeah, you dangs are a bunch of cuckoo birds.

[Kyle and Bobby leave]

Throbecca: Oh, look at that. Those bums took off.

[The ladies sit on the bar booth.]

Helen: This was not how this was supposed to go. What about our Christmas wish?

[midnight bell donging]

Bartender: Well, ladies, you hear that clock? I’m afraid you know the rules. Your Christmas wish is over. It’s time for you three to turn back into raccoons.

Throbecca: But we only got half our wish.

Ileen: We wanted to be singers and kiss on a man.

Bartender: Ha-ha. Well, maybe next year. Merry Christmas you raccoons.

[Bartender throws a spell on the ladies and they turn into raccoons.]

[the raccoons singing]

Raccoons: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

[cheers and applause]

Serial The Christmas Surprise

Sarah Kinik… Cecily Strong

Jennifer… Amy Adams

Chris… Kyle Mooney

David… Kenan Thompson

Dana… Kate McKinnon

Jingle… Jay Phroah

Adina Hernandez… Aidy Bryang

[Starts with clips of recording studio]

[Cut to Sarah Kinik getting near the mic]

Sarah Kinik narrating: I want you to think about things you can’t see. Rotation of the planets. Electricity. Gravity. Because we only see the results and not the process, should we come to the conclusion that it doesn’t exist? I’m Sarah Kinik. On December 25th 1999, a small boy awoken ball to our Maryland. [Cut to and old video of a boy opening his Christmas gifts] He went down to his living room and found a NERF End Strike Mega Magnus Blaster. It’s mouthful, I know, that’s the toy you want it. Toy had no tag, no receipt. As if it appeared out of thin air. The boy maintained the toy had been brought by magic by a mysterious man named Chris. But I had to ask myself, could Christ really had done this? And if so, how?

[Cut to SERIAL: One Story Told Week by Week video bumper.]

[Cut to Jennifer speaking like in documentaries.]

Jennifer: Toys just appear at our house. Not just this year. Every year.

Interviewer: And you’re not buying them?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: That’s Jennifer, the boy’s mother.

[Cut to video of Sarah Kinik visiting Jennifer’s house.]

She’s actually the one who contacted me about this story. She sides with her son saying that she wasn’t responsible for the gift. Like, Chris did it. That he snuck into her house in the middle of the night and just left things. She said she even has proof.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and Jennifer in front of the chimney]

Jennifer: I left the cookies. And when I woke up, they were gone.

Sarah Kinik: And nobody followed up with you on this?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: For the past year, I’ve been talking to Chris. [Cut to Chris making toys] A thousand year old toy maker who lives up north. It should be noted that Chris is part of the population who identify themselves as Elves. Their minority in the United States often looked shifty, secretive. But I’ll get to that later. Chris says that he not only left the toy for the boy in Baltimore, but he leaves millions of toys for kids around the world. And he does it one night. I know, shocking, right?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] You know, it’s like, you said you hit every house. I mean, you understand that’s hard for people to swallow, you know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] Look, I don’t know how it works, you know? You’re either going to believe in me or not, but I know it’s real. Okay?

Sarah Kinik narrating: Christ would get like this sometimes about the more unbelievable parts of the story. But I guess he was right. How do you explain these things?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] It’s just, you said you hit every town. Like, you understand, that’s hard for people to swallow, right? You know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] And I understand that. I get that, you know. But for me, when it comes down to, is like, Christmas magic. You know what I mean? I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t know what to say, you know?

Sarah Kinik narrating: I had to follow up on this. It just seemed so outlandish. [Cut to Sarah Kinik meeting David] So, I called my friend David who has been delivering packages for 12 years. The same kind of packages Chris would have been delivering.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and David]

Sarah Kinik: What would the timeline be for someone to deliver a series of presents throughout the world. Is that even possible?

[Cut to David]

David: Nah! I don’t think so.

Sarah Kinik narrating: I should mention that David works for UPS, which would be in direct competition with Chris.

David: No, I’ve never seen anything like that.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

David: If he says he can do it, he is lying.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, we attempted it.

[Cut to Dana and Sarah Kinik building a sleigh out of card boards.]

My producer Dana and I built a sleigh. We couldn’t get reindeer so we got a small horse. Needless to say it went badly. Horse wouldn’t even fly.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] We tried this. We didn’t even get close, you know?

Chris: But you didn’t have my reindeer! You know what I’m saying? Like, magic reindeer only know where I’m at. Yo, regular people can’t just make a reindeer fly. You know what I’m saying?

Sarah Kinik: Yeah.

Sarah Kinik narrating: This is my biggest problem with Chris’s story. I understand hitting one town overnight. Maybe two. But every town in the world just didn’t seem right. That brings us to Jingle. [Cut to Jingle] Jingle’s an elf who claims he was with Chris on December 25th, 1999. He says they drove around, got high, hung out. That’s it. No presents, no flying. Jingle was the prosecution star witness in a trial against Chris on 24th street a few years ago. Here’s a recording of defense attorney Adina Hernandez cross examining Jingle back then.

Adina Hernandez: Now, Jingle. Did you tell the other elves on March 14th that Chris was magic?

Jingle: No, Ma’am, I did not.

Adina Hernandez: You never? Not once?

Jingle: No, Ma’am.

Adina Hernandez: Whaaaaaat?

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, if Jingle didn’t see Chris leave the present, did anyone? Maybe there are people out there who claim they’ve seen Chris leave lots of presents. Maybe they’ve written in letters. Maybe they’ve sat on his lap. And then there’s the Nisha call. Next time on SERIAL.

[Cut to Dana]

Dana: So, it’s mail kim? (MailChimp)

Sarah Kinik: what?

 

Sam Smith Dr. Evil Cold Open

Sam Smith… Taran Killam

Dr. Evil… Mike Myers

[Starts with ‘Very Somber Christmas’ intro]

Male voice: Live from the north of England, its a very somber Christmas with your host Sam Smith.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to 1 standing. There are Christmas decorations behind him.]

Sam Smith: [singing] Stay with me,

like a Christmas tree

star goes on top it’s clear to see

darling, stay with me

Hello, I’m Sam Smith. Christmas is about spending time with the ones you love, which is why I’m alone. I’m so very happy that–

[the video gets disrupted]

[Cut to 2 sitting on his chair caressing his cat.]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Evil: Hello.

[cheers and applause]

Hello, I’m Dr. Evil. I’ve preempted this program because I’m furious that North Korea and Sony Pictures have both given evil organizations a bad name.

[He puts down his cat]

I mean, what the F, people? It’s just so pathetic to see you two fight over a silly comedy. It’s like watching two bald men fight over a comb. Who cares? Sony, North Korea, it’s time to get a trapper keeper and some loose leaf, coz I’m about to take you to school. Let’s start with you, North Korea. You’re one of the most evil countries in the world and your act of war is to kill a movie? It’s easy to kill a movie. Just move it to January. Look, I know Kim Jong Un. We went on a Viking river cruise together. I recommend it. It’s breath taking. Let me put it this way. Kim’s not with it. He still watches laser discs.

But, back to the hackers. First of all, the name. Well, you guys were just sitting around and pitching it was one guy like, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s call ourselves the Guardians of Peace, or the GOP. Hello! Way to go, A-holes! There’s already a GOP. And they’re already an evil organization.

[applause]

What are you gonna do next, GOP? Ask for $1 million. Been there, done that. Smoked it. Humped it. Called it an Uber. Still, I suppose you have to give credit to the North Koreans. I haven’t seen balls like that in Pyongyang since Dennis Rodman changed into his shorty shorts. But why pick on Sony? They haven’t had a hit since the Walkman.

Come on, Sony. You thought it was joke to have James Franco assassinate Kim Jong Un. The man single handedly almost killed the Oscars. Think! Think!

Look, I saw the interview. It was charming. But if you really want to put a bomb on a theater, do what I did. Put in the love guru.

And finally, I have one last thing to say. Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[cheers and applause]

Office Christmas Party (Amy Adams)

Shy Girl, Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Jay Pharoah

Kevin… Beck Bennett

Randy… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with people in a party at office.]

Kathy: Ah! The party is terrible.

Carol: That’s the worst. [Cut to Tom dancing and using his laptop] Tom keeps playing Ghost Busters. [Cut to Jerry, Kathy and Carol] Why would he do that at a holiday party?

Jerry: You know what my Christmas wish is? This party was banging.

[Cut to Pete and Jay walking in from the door. They’re dressed for the party. There’s smoke as in the room as they enter.]

Jay: Did somebody make a wish?

[Cut to everybody]

Jerry: Um, I did.

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Pete: Well, it’s about to come true.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: What are you guys? Angels or something?

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Jay: It doesn’t matter.

Pete: Let’s turn this bitch up.

[Hiphop beat drops and the music video begins.]

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party

[The people in the office are drinking shots.]

Office Christmas Party
Shy girl from payroll sort of dancing
Office Christmas Party
Jerry and Kathy are hitting it off
Office Christmas Party
Dave did impression of an IT guy and crushed it
Office Christmas Party

Crazy seeing the cleaning lady not in the uniform
Office Christmas Party
Kevin still trying to finish some work
Office Christmas Party
Randy made a slideshow but can’t work the projector
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media is way too drunk
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media just jumped into the Christmas tree
Office Christmas Party
Someone control Carol from new media
This is getting out of hand
we love that people are having fun
but do us a favor and just be safe guys
Oh, snap! The boss is making it rain gift cards

[music stops]

[Cut to Shy Girl singing Christmas song]

Shy Girl: We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

I’m Becky and I am from payroll. Out!

[Shy girl drops the mic and starts the rapping]

Now let’s get crazy

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Oh, snap!

[All the employees are partying]

Why is there a goat here?
Office Christmas Party

Jay: What?

Pete and Jay: Peace!

Girlfriends Talk Show with Amy Adams and One Direction

Morgan… Aidy Bryant

Cara… Cecily Strong

Megan… Amy Adams

Dancer guys… One Direction

[Starts with Girlfriends talk show intro]

Female singing: Girlfriends talking about guys and stuff
Girlfriends talking about you guys and clothes
Girlfriends talk show.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Morgan and Cara at their set.]

Cara: Hi, I am Cara and this is how I do me.

Morgan: Yeah. And I am Morgan, and I do myself a few different ways.

Cara: Morgan, don’t say it like that. We’re BFFs.

Morgan: Yeah, Best Fabulous Females.

Cara: I haven’t seen Morgan in a while coz she has been really busy with the school dance team.

Morgan: Yeah. My involvement with the dance squad has basically taken over my life. It’s my passion. It’s totally eclipsed loom art.

Cara: Then you’re gonna love our surprise guest, Morgan. I invited captain of your dance squad. She’s gonna tell us how good you are.

Morgan: Oh, no. Ask me first. Always!

Cara: Please welcome Megan Carter Cosgro.

[Megan walks in a cheerleader outfit and sits beside Cara.]

[cheers and applause.]

Megan: Hi, Cara. Thanks for having me on your show. Morgan and I haven’t seen each other in a long, long time.

Cara: Why, isn’t she in your dance squad?

Megan: Well, that is a really interesting question. Is Morgan on my dance squad?

Morgan: Hmm, mother earth, please, take me away. Give me the powers of flight.

Megan: Um, do you wanna tell her the truth, Morgan? Coz, I’m known as the sweetie and I think the answer will embarrass you.

Cara: So, just say it Morgan.

Morgan: Very well. I am a fourth alternate. I basically just hang out and I wait for a disaster to happen to someone.

Cara: Awesome! First topic… Dance moves—

Morgan: [interrupting Cara] True life angel stories.

Cara: Dance moves.

Morgan: Oh, no.

Megan: Yeah, Morgan. Since you claim to be a part of the team, you must know all of the dances.

Morgan: Oh, this is a girl trap. I can feel it.

Megan: Let’s do, body pump 2,000.

[music playing]

[Morgan and Megan stand to dance.]

[Megan dances but Morgan is just shaking her body.]

Cara: Well, one of you wasn’t doing the dance and my gut says Morgan.

Morgan: I was just marking it. I’m saving it out for the show.

Megan: But you’re not in the show.

Morgan: Okay. Well, if four girls get hurt, I am in the show. So, you better take your chewable vitamins along with your bitch sandwich and then go ahead and sit on the sandwich as well.

Cara: Morgan! Chill out.

Megan: The real reason Morgan isn’t in the team is because she seizes up when any of the guy dancers are around.

Morgan: Not true.

Cara: Good! Coz they’re here.

Morgan: The guys?

Cara: Yeah. Please welcome Bret, Parker, Brandon, Brason and Scot.

[The guys walk in dancing wearing the matching outfit as Megan]

Bret: What’s up, Morgan?

Parker: Hello, Morgan.

Brandon: What’s up, girl?

Brason: Yo!

Scot: What’s up?

Brason: Long time no see, girl.

Scot: How’s your guinea pig?

[Cut to Morgan and Cara]

Morgan: I wana-ta-ta-yai-yai… [she can’t speak]

[Cut to everybody]

Megan: See?

Cara: Morgan, make a word.

Morgan: G-G-G-Gout!

Bret: Hey, Cara.

Cara: Hey.

Parker: Hello, Cara.

Cara: Hi.

Brandon: What’s up?

Cara: Hi.

Brason: What’s up?

Morgan: Wait, how did they all know you?

Cara: Oh, they’re all my ex-boyfriends. No hard feelings, right guys? People change, people move on, people grow.

Megan: Yeah, I heard you’re dating a cool older guy.

Cara: Yeah! My boyfriend’s older. He lives on a house boat now coz of water laws, coz he hates housing taxes. He says they’ll have to price taxes from his cold dead hands. I’ve never been on it. Every Sunday, I go to the dock and stand on a shrimp cage and eat a lobster roll while he watches from a tiny port hole. Sometimes I can see one eye looking at me. Other times just a mouth laughing. My boyfriend’s crazy!

Parker: As long as you’re happy…

Brandon: We happy!

Megan: Guys, you know what would make great TV? Us dancing.

Bret: Hey, Morgan. Can I have this dance with you?

Morgan: Oh, my god. I am blasting out of my pants right now.

Cara: Morgan, you didn’t mean to say that out loud I think.

Morgan: No, you are right. Cara, let the dancing begin.

[music playing]

[everybody are dancing, including Morgan]

[cheers and applause]

Asian American Doll

[Starts with three girls playing in their play room]

Female voice: You and your dolls do everything together. You’ve gone to shopping with Christy.

[Cut to a girl with her barbie.]

Girl: Yeah!

Female voice: Cheered for the winning team with Stacey.

[Cut to a girl with her barbie]

Girl: Go!

Female voice: And planned a wedding with Stephanie.

[Cut to a girl with her barbie]

Girl: So pretty.

[Cut to all three girls]

Female voice: And this Christmas, it’s time to meet a brand new doll. It’s Asian American doll. The doll that’s Asian American.

[Cut to a girl carrying the new doll]

Girl: I love Asian American doll.

Female voice: We’re glad to hear it because we had to have a lot of sensitivity meetings about her. She was very tricky.

Girl: What’s Asian American doll’s name?

Another girl: She doesn’t have a name.

Female voice: That’s because, last Christmas we released a native American doll named ‘Flying Eagle’. And we haven’t heard the end of it.

Girl: Okay.

Another girl: I’m gonna name her Kiko.

Female voice: Alright, but you did that. Not us.

[Cut to mom walking in]

Mom: Naomi, it’s almost time to do your math homework.

Girl: Can Asian American doll help me?

Mom: Sure. But the company was very clear on the box that Asian American doll has no academic strengths or weaknesses.

Girl: Where’s Asian American doll from?

Mom: Asia.

Girl: I know, but like, what country? Japan? Or China?

Female voice: You ask a lot of questions. You should go play outside. Bye.

[Cut to the girl asking question going out. Mom takes her doll.]

Please don’t poke holes on Asian American doll. We tried so hard on her. As the box says, “Just take her or leave her.”

Girl: Oh, look. She has a pull string.

Female voice: Yeap, but we couldn’t settle in anything for her to say. So, just pull it out and throw it out in the trash.

Mom: Oh, that’s no fun. You could have something for her to say. Like… [mom gets confused.]

Female voice: Oh, and every doll comes with her own dream house. So, Asian American doll does too.

[Asian American doll’s house is empty.]

Girls: No, it’s empty!

Female voice: Fun, right? That way, you get to be accountable for what’s in there.

Girl: I’m gonna add an oriental rug.

Female voice: Um, your funeral. And last but not least, Asian American doll comes with two harmless accessories that went through 40 focus groups. An adorable puppy and chef’s hat. Because anyone can be a chef, right? These are fine?

Girl: Yes. I love her Chef’s hat.

Another girl: And the puppy is so cute.

Girl: But wait, is that so she can eat the puppy or something? Because she’s Asian?

Female voice: Are you kidding me? You never even founded that. Oh, my god! No, no, no!

Background song: [singing] It’s Asian American doll

we made it from a place of fear.

[gong bell sound]

Female voice: I specifically said, NO GONG!

[cheers and applause]