[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]
[band is playing music one the stage]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Hart.
[Kevin Hart walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]
Kevin Hart: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. God, it feels good to be back. It feels so good to be back in New York. Honestly I’m coming back a different man than I left. I’m engaged now. I’m about to get married, people.
[cheers and applause]
Yes, I’m about to get married. I told my lady. I said, “Baby, we can’t get married till we get a new house.” It’s not that we don’t like the house we hvae now. I just don’t like the area that we live in. I don’t want to live in Hollywood staying around all the Hollywood stuff. So, I moved out to the suburbs. I messed around, moved around a bunch of wild life. Okay? Here’s how I know that I live around stuffs that I’m not supposed to. When I first moved in, I walk in my dog. I got mini doberman pincher. Right? I’m walking my dog. While I’m walking my dog, out of nowhere this old lady pokes her head out the window and goes, “Hey, you better watch your dog. Don’t let them eat em’ like they did mine.” I said, “Wait, what? First of all who is them? That’s the first thing. Second of all, where did you go?” She just left. So, I started looking around area, I noticed I live around some wild animals. I have mountain lions, rattle snakes, coyotes, all types of wild spiders. Currently, I have a raccoon problem. Not raccoons. It’s one raccoon. This raccoon is a bitch. I don’t like this raccoon.
Listen. I have glass doors at the back of my house. So, I’m sitting in my living room. I can see out of my living room into my backyard. A raccoon walks up to the glass doors but not like a raccoon should. He wasn’t on all fours. Raccoon’s on two feet. He’s walking, right? Strolling, strolling, strolling. I’m not lying. I’m not lying. He gets to the glass doors. He’s looking. He trying to look into house. Here’s what scared me. [mimicking peaking through the glass with a hand above eyes.] He put his hand on a glass and start doing this. So, I’m looking. I’m like, “Oh, my god! Raccoon is looking in the house.” When he saw me, he started laughing. He was like, “Ahah! Ahah!” The raccoon started jiggling a lot, right. When he saw he couldn’t get in, [mimicking gun shots] he pointed his fingers at me and he shot at me. He was like, “Bang, bang.” And then he disappeared into the dark.
I’m scared. I’m scared as hell. My lady comes home. I say, “Babe, we got to move. We can’t stay in this house. A raccoon just tried to break in. He jiggled the handle. When he saw he couldn’t get in, he shot at me twice. Bang, bang!” My lady said, “Why are you lying so much? What do you get out of lying?” I said, “Who the hell makes up a lie about a raccoon jiggling a lock and going bang, bang in the house?” She said, “First of all Kevin, I know you lying. You know how I know you lying? Coz a raccoon can’t jiggle a lock or go bang, bang coz raccoon don’t have no thumbs.” I said, “Well, maybe raccoon was doing this. You don’t need thumbs need to scare me. The bottom line is we got a thug raccoon running around outside.”
I said, “Look, this is why I don’t like going outside.” I said, “This is why I don’t like taking out the trash.”
Understand something. For me to take out the trash in my house, I gotta walk out of driveway. I don’t have any lights in my driveway. It gets real dark in my driveway. The reason why I don’t have any lights is because I turned down the option to get lights in my driveway because I thought the contractors were trying to take advantage of me because they knew that I had money. That’s what I thought. To be honest with you, that’s what I thought. He was like, “Mr. Hart. It gets pretty dark in this driveway. You want to put some lights in here?” I said, “You don’t think I know what you’re trying to do? Huh? You don’t think I know what you’re trying to do? It’s a driveway. You drive in, you drive out. What the hell I need lights for?” I was wrong. I need lights. I can’t see a damn thing.
I don’t like being in my driveway coz it get real dark. And I’m like, hearing animal noises when I can’t see which animal it is. Hearing stuff like this, “tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk” or like, “Khrrrrrr”, I don’t like that. Because when you get scared and you can’t see, you just start negotiating. Like, “Hey, what do we gotta do to make this right? If it’s money you want, money I’ll give you.” I don’t know. I told my lady I’m not doing it anymore. I said what I’m gonna do is start making my son take out the trash. It’s time for him to become the man around this house. He’s seven years old. He doesn’t do enough.
That’s beautiful thing about being a dad. You do what you want when you want. I go upstairs, I wake my son up. I say, “Boy, get up and get that trash out. Matter of fact, didn’t I tell you to get the trash out?” Complete lie. I know I never told him. The beautiful thing was to see his confused look on my son’s face. “What? No. You never said that.” “You calling me a liar? Get that ass out your bed and get the trash out.”
Private schools are messing my son up. Here’s how I know. This is what my son said to me when he got up. “Alright, alright. Let me get my flops.” “Your flops? Boy, if you don’t get your back white ass down these damn steps and get that trash.” My son goes down stairs, grabs the trash, he goes outside. The first thing he said before he walked outside was, “Dad, it’s dark. Can you come with me?” I said, “Absolutely not. This is your journey. It’s about you becoming the man, son. It’s not about me.”
My son walks out there to take out the trash. I could tell when he got scared coz he started looking around real fast. I could tell. He puts the trash in the trash can. He starts coming back. Out of nowhere, my son takes off running. He’s running, right? I get scared coz I don’t know what my son’s running from. I can’t see what he’s running from. Depending on what he was running from, was going to determine if I open up the door for him when he got back to the house. I would hate for it to be something crazy because if it was I would have just put my hand on the glass and say, “Son, touch the glass one last time. I love you.”
More importantly, that’s my biggest fear. My biggest fear is seeing somebody I love get attacked by animal that I can’t beat. My lady, she got mad at me. She goes, “Hey babe, so you telling me if you saw me get attacked by animal, you wouldn’t help me?” I said, “Well, it depends on what it is. If it’s a raccoon, I’ll come kick the raccoon. But if it’s a mountain lion, you on your own.” She said, “Are you serious? Like, you wouldn’t come to help me?” I said, “I’m dead serious. You gotta understand I’m being honest with you right now.” She said, “Well, if I saw you get attacked by a mountain lion, I would come out there and help you.” I said, “That’s sweet, but I think it’s stupid. I don’t think you’re thinking the situation through. Here’s why. If you get attacked my a mountain lion, you’re not coming out of that attack the way did you went into it. something’s going to be different.”
I’ma be honest with you all. I don’t want to save her because I don’t know if I want to be with the woman that survived the mountain lion attack. Hey, you can call me a jerk, you can think I’m a jackass. Let’s say he get her good. Let’s say he bite all this off, like this piece and her shoulder. I’ma tell you all straight up. I can’t be with no woman that don’t have no shoulder. I can’t! I can’t be with a woman that can’t do this. [Kevin Hart raises his both shoulders.] I can’t be with you. I can’t be with you. If you can’t go [Kevin Hart raises his both shoulders again] I don’t want to be with you. Do you knwo know how many times you use shoulders in a day? Think about it, if you don’t have a shoulder, you can’t be cold. Ain’t nobody gonna believe you if you shivering with one arm. “What’s wrong with you?” “It’s freezing out here.” “You lying. You only using your one arm.” If we get pulled over by cops and you only got one shoulder, we going to jail. You know why? Coz ain’t no cop gonna believe no person with one shoulder. When he says, “Hey, you know why I stopped you?” And you go, “No.” [raising his one shoulder] “Okay, get your drunk ass out the car.”
Ay! I’m in New York city and I’m excited. We got a great show for you. Sia is here, everybody. Stick around, we’ll be right back.