Tag: Season 40

Amy Adams monologue with Kristen Wiig

Amy Adams

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Adams.

[Amy Adams walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is so wonderful to be here hosting the SNL Christmas show. Christmas is the best time in New York. It is the best. And it has been so great having my four year old daughter here with me, and seeing it all through her eyes. And, if you have kids, you just have to go down to Time Square and meet Christmas Elmo. and if you’re lucky, he’s gonna take his head off and ask you for a cigarette.

But, no, honestly, this is my favorite time of year and just with all of the crazy stuff going on in the world lately, I just– I think we could use a little holiday cheer.

[piano playing]

So,

[singing] Haul out the holly;
Put up the tree before my spirit falls again.
Fill up the stocking,
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now.

[Kate McKinnon and Bobbly Moynihan join Amy Adams]

Amy Adams, Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan: For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,

[Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan leaves. Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata come in]

Amy Adams, Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata:Candles in the window,
Carols at the spinet.
Yes, we need a little Christmas

[Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata leave. Kenan Thompson comes in and throws snow over Amy Adams and himself.]

Amy Adams: Aw, thanks you guys.

[four men dressed like reindeers bring in Kristen Wiig carrying her horizontally in a line.]

Oh, my god! Kristen Wiig.

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Okay, guys, I need you to set me down gently like we talked about. I need a lot of support on my back side. Yes, more support. More. Okay.

Amy, you guys are kidding, right? I mean that’s all the holiday cheer you guys have? Kenan throwing a handful of fake snow at the camera?

Kenan Thompson: Hey, I like how I did it.

[Kenan Thompson throws the snow again]

Amy Adams: Kristen. I am so, so happy to see you, but isn’t this the second time you crashed my monologue?

Kristen Wiig: I’m not crashing. I have just showed up uninvited. Oh, Amy, okay, your song was really great but we need to get a little more energy. You know, these people are Christmased out! You gotta give them some flash, you know. Some sizzle. You gotta give them like, [giving a pose] pow! And then you gotta give them like, [giving two more poses] pow, pow. Now, you try.

Amy Adams: [giving poses] Pow, pow.

Kristen Wiig: That’s pretty good! There you go. Um, can someone please give me my glitter microphone?

[Someone passes her the mic.]

Thank you Mariah Carey.

Amy Adams: That was Mariah Carey?

Kristen Wiig: Yes, but I really don’t wanna make this about her. This is about us.

Amy Adams: Well, I thought that this was about Christmas.

[drums rolling]

Kristen Wiig: [singing] Coz we need a lot of Christmas
right this very minute
the candles are on the randles
and sushi’s in a barrel
penguin in the oven

[Amy Adams stops Kristen Wiig]

Amy Adams: Those are not the words.

Kristen Wiig: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what the words are. That’s my point. It’s how you feel. It’s how you make people feel. Now, get in the Christmas spirit and dance with my Christmas song.

[four men dressed like reindeers come in and start dancing. Kristen Wiig leaves and Amy Adams starts dancing with the reindeers.]

[the reindeers carry Amy Adams on their shoulders.]

Amy Adams: Oh, wow! Oh, this is pretty good. [dancing] Oh, this is really good.

[the reindeers leave and Kristen Wiig walks in. Kristen Wiig has a hat that looks like top of Christmas tree.]

Kristen Wiig: Guys, we need a little music
need a little laughter

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: Need a little singing
riding through the rafter

[Kristen Wigg is trying to do legs split.]

Kristen Wiig: We need Christmas
We need Christmas

Amy Adams: Okay, stop! Stop! Just stop! Kristen Stop.

[Kristen Wiig is in pain]

Just stop. I really appreciate what you’re doing and that you’re trying to help me, but Christmas isn’t about all of this flashy stuff. It’s about family and friends and being together.

[piano playing]

[singing] We need a little Christmas

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, I want all the stuff.

Amy Adams: Right this very minute.

[Amy Adams removes Kristen Wiig’s Christmas tree hat.]

Kristen Wiig: No, not my hat.

Amy Adams: Candles in the window

Kristen Wiig: My shakers.

Amy Adams: Carols at the spinet.

[Amy Adams points at Kristen Wiig’s breasts and asks to give the cutlets to her.]

Come on!

Kristen Wiig: Argh!

[Kristen Wiig hands them over to Amy Adams]

Amy Adams: Oh, thee are hot! These are hot!

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, those are hot. But, you know what? You’re right.

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: We need a little Christmas
right this very minute

[drums rolling]

It hasn’t snowed a single flurry,
But Santa, dear, we’re in a hurry;

Amy Adams: Come on!

[Kate McKinnon, Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Sasheer Zamata and Kenan Thompson join them]

Everybody: So climb down the chimney;
Put up the brightest string of lights I’ve ever seen.

[Dancers with Christmas outfit walk in and dance]
Slice up the fruitcake;
It’s time we hung some tinsel on that evergreen bough.
For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,
Need a little Christmas now

[confetti drop]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. We’ve got a great show. One Direction is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[music playing]

[cheers and applause]

A Very Cuban Christmas

Gloria Estefan… Cecily Strong

Pitbull… Taran Killam

Hurley…Bobby Moynihan

Tony Montana… Kyle Mooney

Tony’s girlfriend… Amy Adams

Elian Gonzalez… Pete Davidson

Diana Nyad… Kate McKinnon

Cuba Gooding Jr. … Kenan Thompson

Rahul Castro… Fred Armisen

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with logos of NBC and CUBA VISION]

Male voice: The following is a joint podcast from NBC and CUBA VISION.

[Cut to ‘A Very Cuban Christmas’ intro]

Male voice: It’s a very Cuban Christmas with your very Cuban host, [Cut to Gloria Estefan and Pitbull] Gloria Estefan and Pitbull.

[cheers and applause]

Gloria Estefan: Alright! [speaks in Cuban language]

Pitbull: [speaks in Cuban language] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Gloria Estefan: Tonight we celebrate the fact that Cuba and the United States have resumed diplomatic relations after 50 years.

Pitbull: Now, later on in the program, we welcome Cuban baseball legend, Jose Canseco who’s gonna show us how to reattach a finger after shooting off your own hand.

Gloria Estefan: That’s gonna be fun.

Pitbull: But first, a word from our sponsor.

Male voice: A Very Cuban Christmas is sponsored by [Cut to an old car] 1957 Chevy Bel Air. ‘It’s Our Newest Car’.

[Cut to Pitbull]

Pitbull: Okay, now obviously, Cuba is very excited about having American tourists. Gloria, don’t you have something to say about that?

Gloria Estefan: Oh, you know I do.

[music playing]

[Gloria Estefan walks in with two back up dancers.]

[singing] Come everybody, visit Cuba
spend all your money on cigars and scuba
so much better here than in a room-a
maybe give us one of your aromas please

[Cut to Hurley]

Hurley: Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. Modern electronic sure are hard to come by here in Cuba. Hi, I’m Hurley from Lost. And yes, I am Cuban, dude. And so is our next guest. Scarface himself, Tony Montana.

[Cut to Tony Montana]

Tony Montana: That’s right. Here I am and I brought my girlfriend too. You okay baby?

[Tony’s girlfriend walks in. She has cocaine all over her nose.]

Tony’s girlfriend: I’m way okay.

Tony Montana: Now, the best news is the embargo in Cuba has been lifted. Tell them what that means, baby.

Tony’s girlfriend: First, we get the money. Then we get the cellphone. Then we get the Walmart.

Tony Montana: That’s right. Now why don’t you say hello to my little friend? It’s Elian Gonzalez.

[Elian Gonzalez walks in]

He’s a grown up.

Elian Gonzalez: Hello everyone.

[Gloria Estefan walks in]

Gloria Estefan: You’re sort of a folk hero here in Cuba. You crossed the ocean to America in a boat back in 1999.

[Diana Nyad walks in a swimming costume]

Diana Nyad: Oh, that’s not a hero.

Gloria Estefan: Excuse me. Who are you?

Diana Nyad: I’m an American swimmer Diana Nyad. [Cut to Diana Nyad] Hey! You came to America in a boat? Oh! Big whoop! I swam the Cuba! 90 miles of open ocean you little bitch! It’s called America. Look it up. Oh!

[Cut to Gloria Estefan, Tony Montana, Tony’s girlfriend and Elian Gonzalez]

Gloria Estefan: Okay, let’s hear a word from our other sponsor.

[Cut to an old man holding a small teacup.]

Male voice: Tiny Cups of Coffee. You have just enough energy to sit in a folding chair outside of a bakery? Then get a Tiny Cup of Coffee.

[Cut to Cuba Gooding Jr.]

Cuba Gooding Jr.: Ha-ha. So fun. Hi, I am Cuba Gooding Jr. I’m not actually Cuban. But yeah, yeah. I’m pulling this for free. Let me introduce you to the man behind this entire agreement, Cuba’s de facto leader, Rahul Castro.

[Rahul Castro walks in]

Rahul Castro: Ola, welcome to Cuba. On behalf of myself and my brother Fidel, or should I say Papa Noel. That’s pretty fun. Also joining us live from his vacation in Hawaii is my new best friend and your socialist president, Barack Obama.

[Cut to split screen of Rahul Castro and Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Hold on! Wait, did you say socialist?

Rahul Castro: And as part of our deal, all Cubans now have full access to Obamacare.

Barack Obama: Nope.

Rahul Castro: Which is not really great option if they want worse healthcare. Also, this is very exciting, all Cubans are now are about to be full Jewish citizens.

Barack Obama: No, that’s not accurate. Okay, I’m starting to have second thoughts about this–

[Barack Obama’s channel is disrupted.]

Rahul Castro: Looks like we lost him there. [Cut to Rahul Castro] Again, we only have one cellphone tower for 11 million people and it’s actually just a stack of all bicycles.

[Gloria Estefan walks in]

Gloria Estefan: Remember now, Cuba isn’t only about Christmas. In fact, if it’s anything like Miami, Cuba will soon be 80% Jewish. So to close the show, here’s Pitbull with his special Hanukkah song.

[Rahul Castro and Gloria Estefan leave the stage while Pitbull walks in with two ladies backup dancers.]

Pitbull: Ha-ha-ha-ha. This one’s for all my Jews out there celebrating Christmas. Dos, thres, Pitbull…

[music playing]

[rapping] swing your dreidel round and round
man who said is going down
eight nights line up the crow
Jews and Cuba are holy brown

Jews! You driving me crazy!

[Gloria Estefan and Rahul Castro walk in]

Gloria Estefan: Thanks for watching.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Sasheer Zamata

Colin Jost

Sasheer Zamata

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tech companies Google and Apple have recently been criticized for their lack of diversity in the workforce. Here to talk about is our own Sasheer Zamata.

[Sasheer Zamata slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Sasheer Zamata: Wow. Colin, if you want evidence of Tech companies’ lack of diversity, just look at your phone. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] There are over 800 emojis available on Apple products, and not one of them is of a black person.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Wait a second, you’re saying there’s not one black emoji?

Sasheer Zamata: Not one. So, if I wanna refer to myself with an emoji, this is what I have to use. [A picture o black moon with a face emoji appears.]

Colin Jost: Like, a dark moon?

Sasheer Zamata: Um-hmm. Yeah, that’s the closest thing they have. It looks like a baby Charles Barkley. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] Unicode, the company that creates emojis thought that instead of one black person, we needed two different kinds of dragons, nine different cat faces, three generations of a white family and all the hands are white too. Even the black power fist is white. But on the plus side, they do have [A picture of a ghost emoji appears. He has one black eye.] KKK member that got punched in the face.

I have figured out how to convey other black experiences using emojis that we do have. So, take a look at this.

[car emoji + cop car emoji + torch light emoji = clock emoji, sad face emoji]

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Sasheer Zamata and Michael Che]

Yeah, now what’s that?

Sasheer Zamata: Okay, Michael. What do you see?

Michael Che: Oh, it’s easy. You got pulled over, the cops are searching your car and you’re gonna be late.]

Sasheer Zamata: Exactly.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah. And then I used this one to tell my friend that [dark moon emoji + car emoji, taxi emoji, blue car emoji, truck emoji, lorry emoji+ hourglass emoji, square emoji, mic speaker emoji + deaf monkey emoji, blind monkey emoji, mute monkey emoji] I stopped traffic in Time Square protesting the Grand Jury.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Got you. Yes, I gotta say, I really don’t like it when you use that dark moon.

Sasheer Zamata: That’s all I got. And my friend responded with [cop emoji + crying emoji + smoke emoji = running emoji] if the police start using tear gas, run. And then I responded with this.[bowling emoji]

[Cut to Colin Jost, Sasheer Zamata and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Wait, you asked her to go bowling?

Sasheer Zamata: No, I was telling her that the police were question our friend DaQuan.

Michael Che: Yes, you see those three white pins are the cops. And that ball is DaQuan. DaQuan is big.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer Zamata: Yeah. Here’s the actual photo of what DaQuan looked like at the time.

[Cut to a picture of bald Kenan taking a selfie  and there are three white cops behind him. And there is the bowling emoji at left side of the picture. It looks simiar.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s DaQuan. SaSheer Zamata, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update One Dimensional Female

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A 2014 study shows that despite the wealth of talented actresses in Hollywood, women still remain grossly unrepresented when it comes to major film roles. Here to give us her take, a one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Heather: Hi, Colin. I’m Heather, from work. You probably haven’t noticed me because I wear glasses. But later I might take them off and you might notice me.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Thanks for coming. Um..

Heather: You’re welcome Jost. And I’m calling you by your last name coz I’m fun and crazy and surprising and hot, and a girl. Confusing, right? Welcome to my world. I sleep in New Jersey.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, that’s good to know.

Heather: I’m just– I’m not one of those girls who just eats salads. I like burgers and wings and beer. I just have a body of a salad girl. Confusing, right?

Colin Jost: Okay. So, what are your thoughts on the lack of a well written female role in Hollywood?

Heather: Since when are you interested in my thoughts? All you care about is pulling stunts like the one back there at the big meeting. You completely screwed up my presentation. One day, you’re gonna have to grow up.

Colin Jost: I feel like you’re confusing me with someone else.

Heather: Hey, what are you doing here? Get out of here! I’m chancing. I was almost in my bra and panties. So, annoying because I actually started liking you.

[Heather looks downwards and starts crying]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you crying?

Heather: Nice try.

Colin Jost: Look, I’m really sorry. I have zero idea what’s going on right now. But I did not mean to hurt your feelings.

Heather: Wow, you really have changed.

Colin Jost: I have.

Heather: Yeah, it’s all over your face. You know, when we started this conversation, I didn’t believe in you. But what you did back there, that really took balls. And I’m not going to river with Dave. I’m staying right here with you at the record store.

Colin Jost: What record store?

Heather: My sassy black friend Tracy said you were funny. Bitch didn’t lie.

[romantic music playing. Heather removes her glasses.]

Colin Jost: Oh, hello. I didn’t notice you there.

Heather: Yeah, it’s me. Heather from work. Confusing, right?

Colin Jost: Extremely. a one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Jacob The Bar Mitzvah Boy on Hanukkah Origins

Michael Che

Colin Jost

Jacob… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che on his set]

Michael Che: This Tuesday will mark the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Here to explain some Hanukkah traditions is my new podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: Here, Michael. My dad said to give you this ointment as a token of appreciation for your business.

Michael Che: Oh, thank you. And it’s great to meet you, Jacob. Are you excited about Hanukkah?

[Michael Che silently opens his book]

Jacob: [clears his throat] The Jewish holiday of Hanukkah commemorates the miraculous victory of the Maccabees in ancient times.

Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh? Okay, that’s cool.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: In 165 BCE, they defeated the evil King Antiochus. He was very mean. But not as mean as my Spanish tutor, Mr. Freeburgh. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Jacob, you seem a little nervous. You don’t have to do a rehearsed speech like at your bar mid school. We can just talk like buddies.

[Jacob smiles at Michael Che]

Jacob: Each night at Hanukkah [cut to Jacob] we light a candle and say a prayer. The prayer for the bread, the prayer for the wine, oh, and a prayer that YouTube finally disabled the comments on the rock music video I made with my cousins. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I think you might already have already used that one. Um, do you really have a lawyer, Jacob?

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: In conclusion…

Michael Che: Okay, back to the book. I got it.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank my aunt Betty and uncle Richard for making the shlop out from New Jersey. Also, thank you to cousin Barbara for your beautiful Koogle. And thank you to the wonderful bar mitzvah dancers, tornado in sky who walked my bobby onto the dance floor and prompted her adlip the joke, a girl could used to this.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s pretty nice, Jacob.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: And lastly…

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank Derek Jeter for his years of service to the New York Yankees.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That is very sweet, Jacob. You know, you’re a real cool kid. How about a high-five?

[Jacob high-fives Michael Che]

bar mitzvah boy, Jacob, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Queens map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new guide book list a best tourist destination in the country as Queens, New York. This, according to a recent misprint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of students at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, teenage boys are just as vicious as teenage girls, when it comes to rumors and making nasty comments. The study was conduct by my high school yearbook photo.

[Picture changes to German Airline Lufthansa]

German airline Lufthansa has announced that it will accommodate passengers to the middle east by allowing people in first class to bring falcons on the plane. So, now the two animals you can bring with you on planes are falcons and small dogs. [Picture changes to a falcon preying on small dog.]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There is a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At a White House technology event, vice president Joe Biden told the group of girls writing computer code that they were as smart as any boy in the world. And then he turned around and walked directly into a sliding glass door.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of McDonald’s at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s has released a video online to prove the chicken McNuggets are made out of real chicken. And not as the taste suggests, pigeons that committed suicide.

[Picture changes to a lottery ticket.]

A convicted sex offender has won more than $2 million in the state lottery. At which point he shouted, “I’m going 200 feet from Disney World.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Rick Perry.]

Michael Che: In a recent interview, Texas governor Rick Perry said that running for the presidency is not an IQ test. [Picture changes to George Bush] Of course its not a IQ test. [Picture changes to Bill Clinton] And it’s also not a lie detector test. [Picture changes to Richard Nixon] Or an ethics test. [picture changes to Franklin D. Roosevelt] or a footrace.

[Picture changes to Cuba Gooding Jr. and OJ Simpson]

Cuba Gooding Jr. has been cast as OJ Simpson in a new mini series about the football player’s murder trial. Gooding is still best known, of course, for his famous catch phrase, “I need the work, man!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Prince William and Kate Middleton at left top corner.]

Prince William and Kate Middleton visited New York city this week. While they were here, they saw the Brooklyn Nets play against LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron finished with 18 points, four rebounds [Picture changes to Prince William and Kate Middleton and LeBron James. LeBron has his hand on Kate’s shoulder while Prince William is looking away] and one steal.

[Picture changes to CIA logo and a file.]

The senate this week released a report on the CIA’s harsh interrogation methods which included details such as the rectal feeding a pure aid hummus, pasta, nuts and raisins. Actually, I don’t know if that was from the torture report or it was just a cleanse I read about on goop.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Dick Cheney at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dick Cheney criticized the senate report on CIA interrogation methods as “A bunch of hooey”. Cheney also complained that the report’s description of torture “bare got me hard.”

[Picture changes to a jail]

The senate report shows that the CIA paid two psychologists $80 million to design the torture program. $80 million? Were they waterboarding with [Picture changes to a bottle of Palleogrino] Palleogrino? Also you don’t have to use torture to get people to admit stuff. Just get them really drunk and log them into facebook. It worked on my ex, that’s how I found out my son’s real father was Denver Nuggets. Hey, but I still love you little [Picture changes to JaVale McGee’s face on baby’s body] JaVale McGee Jr.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sony PlayStation on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sony was hit by another cyber attack this week, which took it’s PlayStation network offline for hours. Giving gamers a chance to finally go outside and get some fresh weed.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of oil barrels on right top corner.]

Michael Che: For the first time in five years, the price of oil fell below $60 a barrel, which is so low that it also a pretty good deal on barrels.

Wedding Objections

Ian… Martin Freeman

Alberta… Leslie Jones

Father… Beck Bennett

Marny… Aidy Bryant

Patricia… Venessa Bayer

Alberta’s dad… Kenan Thompson

Doctor… Taran Killam

Casidy… Cecily Strong

Evelyn… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man and a woman getting married in a church.]

Ian: Alberta, my love. Standing here in front of you, I know that my life is finally complete. Although we may come from different worlds, I Harrow and Oxford, you the WNBA, our love is one for the ages.

Father: And now for the bride’s vows.

Alberta: My dearest little Ian, before I met you the only time I felt truly alive was when I was out on the court throwing elbows, pushing bitches, falling out in the first quarter, wearing my plastic face mask and laying sisters out. But now that I have you, I feel complete.

Father: Beautiful. And at this time, if anyone can see any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Cut to everybody in the church raising their hands]

I see. Those of you who are now raising your hands. Yes, why don’t you start?

[Marny stands]

Marny: Hi. My name is Marny. I’m the bride’s roommate. Um, Alberta, you barely know this man. I mean, you met him five days ago at a combination Tacobell Pizzahut. You guys have had sex 50 times in our shared living space and in the rare moments that you’re not going at it, you are having full scream fights on the front lawn. Please, do not do this.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Marny, I love you, but you a hater and you’re jealous.

Ian: Marny, think of it like this. You’re not losing a roommate. You’re gaining a roommate.

Father: Yes, you. Lady right here in the front.

[Cut to Patricia]

Patricia: Hi, Ian. Remember me? I’m your wife, Patricia. Quick question, why are you throwing our marriage like this?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: And to that, I reply I am not throwing anything away. I am throwing a clutch three pointer right at the buzzer and that’s happiness.

Father: It looks like we’ve got a line of objections forming in the isle.

[Cut to the line. Alberta’s dad is at the front.]

Go ahead and step up to the microphone.

Alberta’s dad: Uh, yeah, I’m the father of the bride. Dammit, Alberta! Does this white boy know how many kids you got? How many kids you think she got, sir?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, I’ll say three.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: Well, double it and add four.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Daddy! Do not ruin this for me.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: 10! 10 kids. You need to be straight with this boy. He just adopted a Wu Tang Clan.

[Alberta’s dad leaves]

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Sir, thank you for your concern. Your daughter did actively deceive me in this matter but I deceived her as well. Alberta, I am not the King of England. And the only castle I own is a White Castle.

Alberta: We good. Who is the next dummy?

[Cut to a doctor standing]

Doctor: Yes, hello. I am an emergency room doctor and few days ago this man was admitted to my ER with what I can only describe as a shattered penis.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: That’s my bad. Sorry.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: And after about 10 hours of surgery, I was able to reconstruct it.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, mostly.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: Yes, mostly. But it is still very much touch and go, extremely fragile. The best analogy would be a late state zynga tower. And I am just so, so scared for what may happen to this man’s penis tonight. Because if there is one wrong move, Zynga!

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Thanks! Bye!

Ian: Yeah! Bye!

Father: Yes, the young lady in the headband.

[Cut to Casidy. She is in her basketball jersey.]

Casidy: Uh, yo, what’s up? I’m Alberta’s teammate Casidy. Ay, go lady bears! Uh, I know you love this little guy, but coach says we got a real shot this year. You got to focus on the game. A WNBA championship. We’d be set for life. $5,000 split among us.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Maybe she has a point.

Alberta: Hey, baby, look at me. I can do both. By the day I will pull down those rebounds and by night, I’ll pull down my drobes.

Father: Okay, how about one last objection?

[Cut to Evelyn. She is an old lady.]

Evelyn: I don’t know these people. I was just walking by and I caught a very brief glimpse of these two thrill the winter. Now, I am a mild mannered person. I don’t speak in groups. I don’t get involved. But when I saw these two, every hair on my body stood up and said, “Evelyn, get in there and shut it down!” Also, I am a psychic. And I can tell you with complete confidence, all of this ends with a great gruesome murder at a female Big and Tall shop. The murder weapon will be an extra large plastic hanger.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard your complaints.

Alberta: We have.

Ian: And we understand your trepidation.

Alberta: We do.

Ian: And yes, we are very different people. But more importantly, daddy needs his chocolate. He need it, need it, need it.

Alberta: That’s right.

Ian: Chocolate in the morning. Chocolate in the evening. Chocolate at supper time. Thank you.

Father: Well, if that’s all, I’d like to add my objection to the mix. And also pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Ian and Alberta kiss]

Waterbed Warehouse

Dom McWeber… Martin Freeman

Jeanine… Aidy Bryant

Delivery guys… Jay Pharoah, Taran Killam

[Starts with Dom McWeber talking in front of two beautiful queen size beds.]

Dom McWeber: Hi there, folks. I am Dam McWeber. Proud owner of Waterbed Warehouse. We are Upper South Dakota’s premiere Waterbed distributor. You might have heard our jingle on the radio.

[Cut to Jeanine singing in a fancy gown]

Jeanine: [singing] Waterbed warehouse
A Waterbeds are the best!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: That lady with the face and the eyes, that was my wife Jeanine. She looks pretty spiffy, don’t she? That dress cost me a pretty penny but it was all worth it. She writes all our catchy jingles.

[Cut to Jeanine lying on a bed. The bed sheet has her photo.]

Jeanine: That’s me, Jeanine!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: She was a stay at home mom for the past 20 years, but recently she got called up on stages of volunteer to local magic show. That little taste of the spotlight made Jeanine realize she was born to be a star. So, daily and nightly, she insisted she become the face of Waterbed Warehouse. And I said, “Um, okay.” Hey folks, looking for the number to call and get a great Waterbed? Here it is.

[Cut to Jeanine. The phone number is appearing and disappearing on the screen.]

Jeanine: [singing] Call 1-605-555-0100
and hold that 100 down for a while
yeah, hold that number down hard
Waterbed warehouse
a Waterbed’s are the best

[She jumps on the bed that has her picture on it’s bed sheet. The rose petals fall on her.]

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Wow. Now that is talent. So, come on down to our showroom. Off Interstate 90 by the airport, we’re releasing the spots coz we remodeled our store front.

[Cut to a picture of Waterbed Warehoue. It has big board of Jeanine’s face on it.]

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Jeanine said all successful companies have a mascot. Like flow from Progressive and the Geico Gecko. She also kept mentioning the doritos clown which I don’t think is really a thing. Either way, there’s no sleep like a Waterbed sleep. But I’ll let my wife Jeanine explain that.

[Cut to Jeanine laying on the bed.]

Jeanine: [singing] Splashing in the night
the water around me brings me rest
the ocean is my prayer
because a Waterbed’s are the huh-huh-huh
I said a Waterbed’s are the– not quite yet!
I said a Waterbed’s are the– no, no, no
I said a Waterbeds are the best!

[Two men without shirt come in with the sparklers. They have Jeanine’s photos on their shoulders.]

[cheers and applause

Oh yeah!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Those are our delivery guys. And they’re great. You know what’s also great? Now through Christmas, we’ll deliver and fill you bed for free!

[Cut to Jeanine. She is wearing a rasta hat and she had dread locks now.]

Jeanine: [talking like Jamaican] For free! That deal be crazy, man!

[Cut to Dom McWeber]

Dom McWeber: Don’t worry. That’s still Jeanine! She was just doing one of her characters. I just hope I don’t lose her to Hollywood. Everyone wants a piece of Jeanine. She’s a one woman party.

[Cut to Jeanine. Hiphop beat playing.]

Jeanine: [rapping] Put your hands up
if you wanna Waterbed
put your hands up
yeah!
Everybody loves a Waterbed
fill your bed up with water if you wanna Waterbed
because…

[A big board of Jeanine’s face slides down. The mouth part opens and Jeanine puts her head on that hole.]

A Waterbeds are the best!

[Dom McWeber walks in]

Dom McWeber: So, get down to Waterbed Warehouse. Why? Because…

Dom McWeber and Jeanine: A Waterbeds are the best!