Tag: Season 45

Weekend Update: Trump Running While Impeached

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump on left top corner.]

After yesterday’s vote approving articles of impeachment, president Trump could become the first president to face impeachment while also running for re-election. Because only democrats could figure out a way to lost twice in the same year.

[Picture changes to Jerrold Nadler]

The judiciary committee chairman Jerrold Nadler, who was accidentally CGI’d to look both like Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro, appealed to republican’s on the committee saying, “When Trumps time is passed, how will you be remembered?” Remembered? I barely know who you are now, and I think you’re my congressman. I hate you break it to you but the only way Americans ever remember a congressman is if he sends someone a picture of his penis. And we only remember that, because his name was [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Weiner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump in right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump set personal record on Thursday when he reacted to impeachment news by posting more than 100 tweets, causing White House officials to ask, “Is everything okay in there, sir?” I don’t get why Trump is so worked up. I mean, it’s still going to take two-thirds of the senate to vote him out of office. And that’s not going to happen, because, well, take a look at the senate. I’d be like if Obama got voted out of office by the Wu-Tang clan.

But look on the bright side, democrats. Now you know, you can cheat. Why are you nerds still playing by the rules? Literally nothing matters anymore. Kamala dropped out, because she ran out of money. Rob a bank! Do you want this or not?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Manchin on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Democratic senator Joe Manchin, who wants to you ‘Keep the change, you filthy animal’, said that he’s very much torn about the whether or not he would vote to remove Trump from office. Yeah, based on this photo I really don’t think he’s that torn. If you asked me to draw a Trump supporter from memory, this is what I would draw.

[Picture change sto Donald Trump]

Trump also announced his plan to sign executive order that would reclassify Judaism as both nationality and a race. So, now, if someone accuses Trump of being racist, he can say, “Um, my daughter is in an interracial marriage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and George Washington in right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new poll, 37% of republicans say that Donald Trump is a better president that George Washington. Now, okay. That sounds ridiculous. But then, I remembered George Washington owned slaves, so I guess I would say Trump is better than that? it’s just not a really fair comparison. Like, Colin, Colin. [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che] Okay. Who do you think is a better comedian? You or Bill Cosby?

Colin Jost: Okay. I see to your point. Thanks.

Michael Che: No, no, wait! Don, give me a split screen, please.

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do that.

[Cut to split screen with Colin Jost at the left and Bill Cosby at the right.]

Michael Che: Okay, audience. Who makes you happier? Bill Cosby or Colin Limbaugh Jost. It’s hard to say, right?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che.]

Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Greta Thunberg at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After the cli–

Michael Che: The answer is Bill Cosby, by the way.

[Colin Jost laughts]

Colin Jost: After the climate change activist Greta Thunberg was named time’s person of the year, the Trump campaign posted a picture of Trump’s head pasted on Thunberg’s body. In case anyone wondered that would he look like if Donald Trump got that Al Roker surgery.

Weekend Update: Spelling Bee Shake-up

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There is a picture of National Spelling Bee logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Script’s National Spelling Bee has announced the change to next year’s contest after this year’s Spelling Bee ended in 8 way tie. The new change? Knives!

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Harvey Weinstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Harvey Weinstein has reached a $25 million settlement with the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. But in order to get the money. The women have to grab it out of his bathrobe pocket.

[Picture changes to Vanna White]

For the first time in the history of “Wheel of fortune,”  the game show was hosted by Vanna White. There were no survivors.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture IHOP building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: IHOP was opened a new casual version of the restaurant called flip’d. Who hasn’t walked into a regular IHOP and thought, “Well, this is way too formal.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Hallmark logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  The group 1 million moms boycotting the Hallmark Channel for airing a commercial featuring a same-sex couple getting married and kissing. Ladies, relax. If your kid is watching the Hallmark Channel, he already gay as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article.]

Colin Jost: Thousands of what are being called “Penis fish” are washing up on shore of a California beach. Not only that, one kid said he found one in his mother’s night stand.

Weekend Update: Chen Biao on the US-China Trade Deal

Michael Che

Chen Biao.. Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: On Friday, president Trump confirmed that he reached in an initial trade deal with China which many hopes signifies the end of the trade war. Here to comment is a Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: Ay! Ai-ao-sys. [cheers and applause]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I don’t speak Mandarin.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Oh! Ai-ao-sys in English means, Ay yo, sis! Good to be back, Che!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Thanks for being back. Now, some are saying this agreement benefits Trump more than China. How do you feel about that?

Chen Biao: Oh, please! Trade Daddy played Trump like mahjon. [Cut to Chen Biao] Pong! Tariff threat, Michael Che5%. He goes down to 7.5% and I’m all like, “Yeah, that’s good with me if that’s good with you, don, don!” Then I throw in $50 billion in farm goods so he can feel like the big man on congress. Toh!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Mr. Biao, for those who don’t know, what is tariff?

Chen Biao: Okay, I’ll explain. [Cut to Chen Biao] A tariff is like a tax but a its little bit bitchy. And the retaliatory tariff is when China goes, “No rare earth minerals for you. You’ve been bad.”

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you at least happy that the trade war is potentially ending?

Chen Biao: Yeah. I’m so over the trade war. [Cut to Chen Biao] I don’t need that drama in my life. I’m seeing a new acupuncturist. I’m on a social media cleanse because of my government. And even Marie Kondo’d, she’s Japanese, you’re a racist. Look, I’m cutting out the negativity, okay? So, hey, Trump, are you China’s air quality? Because you’re toxic.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, it’s understanding, China would be frustrated.

Chen Biao: Oh, yeah. Well the trade war was getting so petty. [Cut to Chen Biao] The US’s panties were all in beef, because apparently we take your intellectual property, please. Nobody needs your idea for CBD lip gloss, Ainslie.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Who is Ainslie?

Chen Biao: Probably some “Shark Tank” reject whose Instagram bio says, “Mogel slash Activist.” Pick a lane.

Michael Che: Well, farmers have been really feeling the effects of the last Michael Che9 months of trade dispute.

Chen Biao: Michael Che9 months? Big whoop. [Cut to Chen Biao] I’ve had dry spells longer than that. Psyche! You know me. I got hoes in different province codes. My ass is dead, Michael! Sorry, dead ass!

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, is this trade war really over?

Chen Biao: No way. [Cut to Chen Biao] This deal is extremely preliminary. It’s like they announce a Pixar movie but it doesn’t drop until Chen Biao0Chen Biao4. So, Trump, are you in the right head space to receive information that could possibly hurt you? Because I’m clocking you and you can clock me and my Beijing Olympics, GUCCI swag.

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody

Weekend Update: Baby Yoda

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che on his news set]

Michael Che: This week has announced a new line of Baby Yoda toys based on the character from the hit Disney Plus show, “The Mandalorian.” Here to comment is oh, my goodness, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Oh. Ooh. Aren’t you just adorable in your little space carriage? [Baby Yoda laughing] So, Baby Yoda, you’re quite the breakout star, aren’t you?

Baby Yoda: Oh. Oh. [starts humming and dancing] Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Oh, my goodness. Is he dancing?

[Baby Yoda is still dancing]

Baby Yoda: Ooh. Oh, oh. \

Michael Che: This is so cute, man!

Baby Yoda: [in adult voice] Yeah, you like that, Che?

Michael Che: I’m sorry, what did you say, Baby Yoda?

[cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: I said you like that? ‘Cause I am killing it. Woowee. I’m cute. Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: You can talk? You don’t sound a lot like a Yoda.

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: [in deep voice] Oh, sound like this I should?

[in normal voice] Ay, come on, man. That’s played out. Baby Yoda’s what’s popping right now. Hell yeah.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Wow! I guess you’re a little more self-aware than you let on.

Baby Yoda: Oh, come on man. It ain’t even like that.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Baby Yoda: But I’ve been blessed. I been blessed. People are liking the show. All the memes and the fans. Some sliding in the DMs a little bit. Yo, and I’m not saying nothing. But it’s been very—um—beneficial. And let’s just leave to that. [laughs like a baby]

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Oh. Okay.

Baby Yoda: Nah, but for real, me and the boys are having fun. [Cut to Baby Yoda] The squad is in the house. [Cut to a photoshopped picture] That’s me, Timothee Chalamet, Robert Pattinson, and the two guys from the “Sonic” commercials.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: That’s very cool.

Baby Yoda: Thanks, man. And you know, big thing coming for your boy.

Michael Che: Oh, really? Like, other projects?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Baby Yoda: Yeah, yeah, man. I got a clothing line coming out. It’s these dope three-fingered gloved called “Handalorians.” Plus I got the rap mixtape, the Reebok deal, the stand-up special with NETFLIX.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: You do stand-up?

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: I mean yeah! I basically just tell stories about who hooked up on Mandalorian set. Me! But yeah, it’s been a while. That’s the spirit. You know, I do have my haters though.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Really? You have any enemies?

Baby Yoda: Nah, man. It ain’t like that, but if I may. [Cut to Baby Yoda] Baby Groot. Do me a favor. Keep my name out of your little tree mouth before I snap you like a twig.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Singing Elves

Elf Fizzy… Alex Moffat

Elf Tizzy…Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Dondra Dupres… Scarlett Johansson

Wondrous Williams… Kenan Thompson

Latony Garag… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a Santa Land store in a mall]

Elf Fizzy: Hello, everyone. I’m Elf Fizzy.

Elf Tizzy: And I’m Elf Tizzy. Welcome to Santa Land at the North Ridge Mall.

[Cut to few adults and children clapping]

[Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: Yeah! And before we line you up for Santa, there are some elves that want to sing for you.

[Cut to the Heidi and Beck]

Heidi: Well that sounds nice. I wonder what they’ll sing.

Beck: Probably some pretty basic Christmas junk.

Heidi: Hon, be fun.

Beck: Okay.

[Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: And just so you know, the singing elves are not the ones on the poster, the website or from our very deep bench of understudies.

Elf Tizzy: These two work at the mall and they picked the costumes.

Elf Fizzy: Uh-huh! Here they are. Those people!

[Dondra and Wondrous walk in in elf costumes.]

Dondra: Hi, I’m Dondra Dupres.

Wondrous: And I am Wondrous William.

Dondra: Wondrous and I work at the hair extension kiosk in the mall.

Wondrous: More than that, we are entertain-ters!

Dondra: The first song song is about the special problemities that Santa may have around a Chimnies.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Wig white black boot

wide belt red suit

Dondra: [singing]

Beard gorwn lips pursed

enters the room booty first

Dondra and Wondrous: Squishing that ass down the chimney shoot

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is confused but Beck is moving his body to the music.]

Dondra: Everybody get some lube

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

help this booty slip and bloop!

Wondrous: Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop

Dondra and Wondrous: Black down that chimney, y’all!

[Cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: what was that? I wanted “Let it snow.” That felt druggy.

Beck: It felt very Todrick-cal to me. call moment to me.

Heidi: Who’s that?

Beck: He’s great. He’s a dynamic gender bending performer. His songs make you want to shake your boozy.

Heidi: Boozy? Where’s this coming from, babe?

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: What’s wrong with Mrs. Claus, Wondrous?

Wondrous: I don’t know, Dondra. She seems frustrated, sex-u-ally.

Dondra: Maybe she has womanly needs that aren’t being met.

Wondrous: Well, who on earth would do that to her?

Dondra: Exactly.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

While Santa’s climbing in his sleigh

Mrs. C comes out to play

Dondra: [singing]

Mrs. Claus don’t give no f

she gives her cookies to the elves

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: Mrs. Claus has needs

Wondrous: Needs

Dondra: Needs that starts with a D

Wondrous: D

Dondra: If you give an f

Wondrous: F

Dondra: Please loan one out to me

Wondrous: Me

Dondra and Wondrous: All of our f’s are what? Got ya’ blap!

[cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: Oh, my god! Am I being sensitive or was that song about Mrs. Claus needing to get railed by elves?

Beck: Of course. The relationship is open. It’s fluid. It’s very Todrick.

Heidi: Hey, who are you today? And who introduced you to this Todrick?

Beck: Mistyandre.

Heidi: Who is that? We know all the same people.

Beck: Maybe you do.

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Wondrous: And now, we would like to introduce to you to the writer of our songs.

Dondra: Latony Garag. Latony, get out here.

[Latony Garag walks in.]

Latony Garag: Merry Christmas to the children.

Wondrous: Latony, is there anything you would like to say before this next song?

[Cut to Latony Garag]

Latony Garag: Yes. This song was written as an homage to my mother. The mother of the house, miss Buffay Styles. It was written at Dondra am when I was skiing with miss Connie. See what I’m saying? The snow that goes up. Understand? The Northeast snow. I’m talking about crook rain!

[Cut to the disappointed audience]

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: Thanks Latony for the clarification. Let’s do this.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Santa’s tired he’s a grump

Dondra: [singing]

Sork all night he needs a bump

Wondrous: Do that bump off your rump

Dondra and Wondrous: The rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum,

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: I thought no one told you what it’s like.

Dondra and Wondrous: Wou, wou, wou, wou, wou,

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is dancing now.]

Heidi: I don’t love that that song was about doing cocaine. But I like that this is the first time I’ve ever seen you happy.

Beck: I’m glad you noticed. Merry Christmas, baby.

Heidi: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Beck: Yeah, I don’t like that for you.

 

Scarlett Johansson Holiday Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Tweezel… Aidy Bryant

Nick Fury… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[band is playing music]

[Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johannson: Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be back hosting SNL for the sixth time. You know, the sixth time is even more exciting than the fifth because you’re not worried anymore. I mean, if the show is bad, what are they going to do? Fire my fiance? Oh, no, what will we do without his pay check? I’m also so happy to be here because it’s Christmas time. And I don’t know about you but I still believe in the magic of Christmas.

Tweezel: Well, that’s good to hear, Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, my god, it’s Tweezel! My old elf on the shelf.

Speaker 2: That’s right. It’s me and I hear you’ve been a very good girl this year.

Scarlett Johannson: Well, I certainly tried my best. That’s for sure.

Speaker 2: I’m sure Santa would want to—

[Tweezel slowly turns to dust]

Well—what is this?

Scarlett Johannson: Aidy! Your arm!

Speaker 2: Hey, hey—what the hell is happening?

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, no, Thanos. From “The Avengers” movie I was in. Not the last one. The one before that.

[Cut to Alex Moffat, Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd backstage]

Alex Moffat: No, no! [Alex turns to dust]

Chris Redd: Oh, my god. Mikey.

Ego Nwodim: I thought that was Alex.

ChrisReddRedd: It’s the same damn thing.

[Cut to 1]

Scarlett Johannson: My god! Am I gonna have to save everyone? I left my Black Widow costume in my car.

[Beck Bennet walks in]

Beck Bennett: Scarlett, what is this happening?

Scarlett Johannson: I think Thanos may have somehow returned and found the infinity stone.

Beck Bennet: No, I meant this monologue. This doesn’t seem super top call right? This is like the back-up monologue from the last time you hosted or something?

Scarlett Johannson: Okay, hey, Beck, I love you and it’s Christmas, but you just got to get out of here.

[Beck Bennett slowly turns to dust]

Beck Bennett: No. You need me. Who is going to play the dumb idiot?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner back stage]

Heidi Gardner: Cecily, thank god you’re okay. I think Thanos took Pete.

Cecily Strong: No, it’s just one of those weeks when Pete doesn’t show up.

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god! Look at Bowen.

[Cut to Bowen Yang turning to dust]

Bowen Yang: Wow, first Asian cast member. Now you’re dusting me? Twitter’s gonna eat you alive.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johannson: Bowen too? I have to stop this.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Ah! Michael! Oh, thank god you’re safe. But if you’re here, that must mean that Colin is—

[Colin Jost walks in]

Colin Jost: Hey. Don’t worry. I’m safe.

Scarlett Johannson: Hi, hey. What’s up?

Colin Jost: Well, I thought you’d be more, like, relieved to see me.

Scarlett Johannson: No, I am. No, it’s great.

Colin Jost: It just doesn’t feel great.

Michael Che: Well, I’m just going to head out.

[Michael Che leaves]

Scarlett Johannson: I’m sorry. It’s just, like, I’m focused on Thanos right now.

Colin Jost: Yes! Totally. I got to update stuffs anyway. It’s like saving the world too. Just on a smaller level.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Nick Fury: Natasha! If you gonna stop Thanos, you gonna need my help.

Scarlett Johannson: Sam Jackson, I mean, wait, what’s your name in the movie again?

Colin Jost: Nick Fury from S.H.I.E.L.D. Did you now watch the movies? [Scarlett Johansson is staring at Colin Jost] I’m just going to get out of here.

Scarlett Johannson: Why is Thanos doing this?

Nick Fury: It’s not Thanos this time. Somebody else has got Thanos’s glove.

[Cut to Pete Davidson playing with Thanos’s gauntlet on.

Pete Davidson: Yo, man! This is insane. I have to stop getting high and buying things on ebay. Half the people disappears. Sick, right?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Pete Davidson]

Kyle Mooney: So sick! And hey, thanks for getting rid of Beck for me.

Pete Davidson: Oh, no problem dude.

[Scarlett Johansson and Nick Fury walk in]

Scarlett Johannson: Pete, you have to stop this at once. Where did they all disappear to?

Pete Davidson: Peacock. It’s NBC’s new streaming service.[Cut to Peacock video bumper.] Peacock. Comedy starts here.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Scarlett Johansson and Pete Davidson]

Scarlett Johannson: Can you please bring him back? Please Pete? Just for Christmas?

Nick Fury: Please, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay, fine. I’ll bring them back.

Scarlett Johannson: No, Pete, you gotta snap it.

Pete Davidson: Oh. Okay. I didn’t see the movie.

Scarlett Johannson: Okay. Merry Christmas, Pete!

Pete Davidson: Oh, thank you. You too.

Nick Fury: So, Pete, taking a few shows off, are you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. You know, when you’ve been here as long as I have, you can do that.

Nick Fury: Really? Well, that’s good to know.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and all the SNL cast members on the stage]
Scarlett Johannson: Well, it’s great to have you all back. I just want to say, this place means so much to me. I have so many friends here, and I met the love of my life here. Merry Christmas. We get a great show. Niall Horan is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Office Apology

Glen… Beck Bennett

Jenny… Aidy Bryant

Janet… Melissa Villaseñor

Linda Pillard… Scarlett Johansson

Mikey Day

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Amanda… Cecily Strong

David… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a man announcing in his office]

Glen: Okay, if I can just get everybody’s attention. I know things got a little wild at last night’s holiday party. But I just want to be clear, this is still an office. And we have zero tolerance for any workplace harassment.

[Cut to the employees applausing]

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: All right, that being said, unfortunately, we have to fire our vice president of sales, Linda Pillard.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Thank god.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And also our front desk guy, Charlie.

[Cut to the employees]

Everybody: Awe.

Janet: Not Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And if it’s okay, they’d both like to come up here and formally apologize. Come on out here, guys.

[Linda Pillard and Charlie comes out]

Linda Pillard: Hey, guys. I guess I had little too much to drink last night at the party and acted like and idiot.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, you think?

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: To Janet specially. I think I may have mentioned some of your past inter office relationships in front of everybody. And that wasn’t cool. And I’m sorry.

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: It was more than uncool. It was humiliating, Linda.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: And just to piggyback on that, Janet, last night after a little wine, I think I said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, when you going to break old Charlie off a piece of that too?” And then I shook my head, did a little dance, and said, “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

Janet: Oh, Charlie, you’re so silly.

Amanda: Charlie, you crack me up.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Right. And Amanda, I guess I upset you when I made a comment about your dress being a little short for a work event. And I’m sorry.

[Cut to the employees]

Amanda: Oh, you guess? Well, I guess you’re still a rude ass bitch. And that’s why you’re getting fired.

[all employees clap]

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, hey. All right. Let’s keep it clean.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: Amanda! I saw that dress too. And after a few of them vodkas. I think I might have said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, that dress so short, all I see is donkey monkey.” Then I did a little dance. “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.” Out of line. I stand accused.

[Cut to the employees]

Amanda: Okay, Charlie, don’t start nothing you finish.

David: Come on, Glen. You can’t fire Charlie. He’s Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: I’m not happy about this either, David. But this is above my pay grade.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Whatever. Anyway, David, I vaguely remember this, but apparently I was being really obnoxious when I kept asking where you were really from.

[Cut to the employees]

David: Yep, and I kept telling you. Boston, you racist.

[the employees clap]

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: To my man, Kung Fu.

David: Hey, Charlie. Lookie here, man, you know I had a couple of them bourbons last night and I maybe said something to you like, “Mm, man, if I was a gay man, your booty would be in trouble.” But I’m not so your booty all right. And then I did a little dance. I took a bow. And said “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

David:  Charlie, I really needed that. Thank you.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: Nothing but love, Kung Fu.

Linda Pillard: Wait a minute. How is that not awful?

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s almost Christmas.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Trust me, did I everthing in my power to just fire Linda today.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What?

Charlie: Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. don’t you worry about me, baby. Maybe I can become the Grinch and bring it to your house. But instead of stealing all your presents, I’ll be stealing that ass. And it won’t just be my heart growing three sizes. Um, um. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: I really appreciate that, Charlie.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What the hell? It feels like you guys are going way easier on him than on me.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, my god! Get over yourself. It’s Charlie.

Amanda: Yeah. He’s just a sweet old man that had a little too much to drink.

Janet: We all did. It was a partly.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: But he’s still drinking right now.

Charlie: What this? Oh, this just a swallow to get me straight.

Linda Pillard: This is completely unfair.

Charlie: Girl, you are too fine to be so stank. Why don’t you slip on old Charlie like a pair of jeans?

Linda Pillard: What? You’re disgusting.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Oh, just take compliment.

David: Yeah, he’s just being sweet.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: You know what? Maybe she’s right. Maybe I did go too far. Is that why I’m getting fired?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Actually, that has nothing to do with why you’re getting fired. HR says your urine sample came back as Lipton iced tea.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Oh, you notice that.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Yeah. And you printed out pornographic pictures on the office copier and left them there.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Oh, all right. So it did work.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Also a woman who identified herself as her wife spray painted cheater on the company van thinking it was yours.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Well, I guess what happens in DeKado comes back nine months later.

 

Niall Horan Put a Little Love on Me

[Starts with Scarlett Johansson announcing Niall Horan’s live performance]

Scarlett Johansson: Once again, Niall Horan.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to a man playing piano and Niall Horan singing.]

Niall Horan: [singing]

We fight we get high holding on to love
We came down cos there was nothing holding us
Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are
Is it wrong that I still don’t know my heart

Are you all dressed up but with nowhere to go
Are your tears falling down when the lights are low
Another Friday night tryna put on a show
Do you hate the weekend
Cos nobody’s calling
I’ve still got so much love hidden beneath this skin
So darling

Put a little love on me
Put a little love on me
When the lights come up and there’s no shadows dancing
I look around as my heart is collapsing
Cos you’re the only one I need
To put a little love on me

We wrote and we wrote
Til there were no more words
We laughed and we cried
Until we saw our worst
Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are
Is it wrong that I still don’t know my heart

Are you all dressed up but with nowhere to go
Are your tears falling down when the lights are low
Another Friday night tryna put on a show
Do you hate the weekend
Cos nobody’s calling
I’ve still got so much love hidden beneath this skin
Will someone

Put a little love on me
Put a little love on me
When the lights come up and there’s no shadows dancing
I look around as my heart is collapsing
Cos you’re the only one I need
To put a little love on me

Last night I lay awake
Stuck on the things we say
And when I close my eyes the first thing I hear you say is

Put a little love on me
Put a little love on me
When the lights come up we’re the only ones dancing
I look around and you’re standing there asking
You say, you’re the only one I need
So put your love on me

You’re the only one I need
Put your love on me

[music stops]

[cheers and applause]

Niall Horan Nice to Meet Ya (Live)

[Starts with Scarlett Johansson announcing Niall Horan’s performance]

Scarlett Johansson: Ladies and gentlemen, Niall Horan.

[Cut to Niall Horan with his band on stage]

[music playing]

Niall Horan: [humming]

I like the way you talk, I like the things you wear
I want your number tattooed on my arm in ink, I swear
‘Cause when the morning comes, I know you won’t be there
Every time I turn around, you disappear

Nice to meet you

I wanna blow your mind, just come with me, I swear
I’m gonna take you somewhere warm, you know j’adore la mer
‘Cause when the morning comes, I know you won’t be there
Every time I turn around, you disappear

(I got love for you)
(I got love for you)

Nice to meet ya, what’s your name?
Let me treat ya to a drink

I like the way you talk, I like the things you wear
I want your number tattooed on my arm in ink, I swear
‘Cause when the morning comes, I know you won’t be there
Every time I turn around, you disappear

(I got love for you)
(I got love for you)

One minute, you’re there, the next one, you’re gone
Been waiting for you all night, so come on
You know what I need, you know what I want
You know what I need now, you know what I need now

[humming]

Nice to meet ya, what’s your name?
Let me treat ya to a drink

Nice to meet ya
(I got love for you)
Where ya been?
(I got love for you)
Let me treat ya
(I got love for you)
To a drink
(I got love for you)

[humming]

[music stops]

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Cecily Strong

Santa Claus… Beck Bennett

Dad… Mikey Day

Mom… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a girl looking at her mother and Santa kissing]

[music playing]

Cecily: ♪ I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
♪underneath the mistletoe last night
♪she didn’t see me creep downstairs to have a peak
♪she thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

♪oh, what a laugh it would have been
♪if daddy had only seen
♪mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
♪turns out that kissing mom had Santa Claus

[Cut to Mikey watching Scarlett and Santa kissing]

♪underneath the mistletoe that night
♪I thought that he’d be mad
♪or just be kind of sad
♪but he just sat there watching them and only said,

Dad: Not bad.

Cecily: ♪By now, I can tell that Santa Claus

[Santa backing off from kissing]

♪regretted getting himself mixed up in this
♪he said that he should probably roll
♪but mommy said

Mom: No, wait, asshole!

Cecily: ♪He had done half the stuff that was in the posting on Craiglist
♪but Santa said they’d better pay in full
♪or he’d tell the friends what they did behind closed doors

[Mikey strangles the Santa]

♪I couldn’t believe my eyes
♪my mom and dad just killed some guy
♪then I realized the chokehold was just part of the script—
♪and then Santa stood up and thanked them both

♪and asked them if they were both satisfied
♪mom and dad said they had a blast
♪and gave him thousand cash
♪and walked him to his Nissan parked right outside

[Cut to Cecily laying in bed]

♪then I laid in bed thinking about
♪how much I really don’t know mom and dad
♪but the weirdest thing I think
♪isn’t my parents kink

♪it’s the fact that I sat watching them for as long as I have
♪oh, well, I guess we all need to have a thing
♪mine seems to be watching people private life
♪and at least now that I know
♪I can keep it under control
♪that my mommy kissed Santa Claus last night