Tag: Update

Weekend Update Morgan Wallen Video Super Bowl Bets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Morgan Wallen at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that country music star Morgan Wallen had his recording contract suspended after a video surfaced of the singer using the N word. Hm, wonder who he learned that from. [picture changes to Morgan Wallen walking with Colin Jost.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels and Michael Cohen at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Stormy Daniels will appear on Michael Cohen’s podcast. Worse, Michael Cohen will appear in Stormy Daniel’s movie.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Tomorrow, the Kansas City Chiefs and Tampa Bay Buccaneers compete in Super Bowl 55. The mayors of each city have made a fun bet on the game pitting 50 pounds of Kansas city’s famous barbecue versus a lifetime supply of Tampa’s legendary hepatitis B.

[picture changes to a prison cell]

A Wisconsin man who was sentenced to 14 years in prison for robbing a bank said he did it because he decided to try something new. “I like that attitude,” said his cell mate.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Amsterdam’s red-light district at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in Amsterdam are hoping to reset tourism by moving the city’s famous red-light district away from the center of town. Okay. But take it from New York, when you drive out the sex stuff, that’s when the Elmos move in.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “Video shows shoppers and workers at Florida supermarket maskless” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A video went viral this week of workers and customers at a Florida supermarket not wearing mask. But masks are a lot to ask in a place where the dress code is typically flip-flops and one titty out.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man creates homemade rollercoaster for his kids” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Florida man spent lockdown building a rollercoaster for his children in the back yard. “Wow, I’d love to see it,” said child services.

Weekend Update New Minimum Wage Amanda Gorman Super Bowl Poem

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Capitol building at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrats in congress have introduced legislation to raise a federal minimum wage to $15 an hour which would finally give minimum wage workers the ability to pay rent in the year 1995.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Amanda Gorman at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The NFL has announced that the Super Bowl pre game show will feature Amanda Gorman who resided her poem “The Hill We Climb” in the inauguration. The show also feature Rob Gronkowski residing his poem, “The Man From The Nantucket”.

[Picture changes to a shark]

According to a new report, Michael Che0Michael Che0 was one of the deadliest years for shark attacks with 10 reported fatalities. “Adorable,” said bats.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Belle Delphine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that adult model Belle Delphine is making over $1 million a month by selling her used bathwater which is crazy because it doesn’t taste that good.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s nuggets at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s announced that for a limited time, it’s bringing back it’s spicy chicken McNuggets and mighty hot sauce because there has never been a better time to breathe heavily and lick your fingers.

[Picture changes to CocaCola Coffee]

CocaCola has introduced the new line of coffee cokes that they say sips like a coke, finishes like a coffee and feels like someone tasered your butthole.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Michael Che: It was revealed that Freddie, the world’s tallest dog has died. The cause of death has been listed as ceiling fan.

[Picture changes to a map of Slovakia]

A woman in Slovakia helped arrest a man robbing a gas station by performing oral sex on him until police arrived. The woman was able to stall him for that long being terrible at it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Southwest airlines has changed their policy from emotional support animals and now will only allow cats and dogs on board while over at Spirit, everyone’s given a snake.

Weekend Update My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell on Getting Banned from Twitter

Colin Jost

Mike Lindell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Twitter continued its crack down on voter fraud misinformation by banning Mike Lindell, the CEO of My Pillow and vocal supporter of president Trump. Here to comment is Mike Lindell.

[Mike Lindell slides in with a pillow in his hands]

Mike Lindell: Hello, hey. Thanks there, Colin. Yes, it’s me, Mike Lindell, the inventor of My Pillow. And thank you all so much for making My Pillow the number one pillow in America.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. Mike, so you were just banned from Twitter for spreading all this voter fraud lies that inspired the insurrectionists.

Mike Lindell: Well, hold on there, buckle! I didn’t inspire no insurrection nobody. I’m just a normal American ex crack addict turned Pillow CEO and advisor of the former president.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, speaking of that, can we talk about how your photograph on your way to meet Trump with documents about martial law?

Mike Lindell: Oh, no, no, Colin. That was just a standard pillow meeting. Nothing to do with martial law at all. I just suggested the military overthrow the government. Look, if that’s not democracy, I don’t know what is.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think you might just not know what it is.

Mike Lindell: Yeah, that may be. But hey, I’m not a politics guy. I’m a pillow guy. Before My Pillow, I tried sleeping on everything. Dirt, cement, old man’s lap. But I tell you what set My Pillow apart. It has fantastic political ideas.

Colin Jost: Hold on. So, you talk to your My Pillow?

Mike Lindell: No. I listen. Shh! He’s awake. What’s that My Pillow? Uh-huh. Really? Wow! My Pillow said Dominion overran the voting machine algorithms.

Colin Jost: What?

Mike Lindell: Yeah. So China could swing in for Biden, with Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong-Un and Crissy Teigen.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Dude, you are all over the place.

Mike Lindell: No, you’re on crack again.

Colin Jost: Dude, Dominion is threatening to sue you and now Kohl’s Bed Bath and Beyond, they’re pulling My Pillows from the store. Doesn’t that bother you?

Mike Lindell: Not at all Colin, because you can always buy my book.  “What are the odds? From crack addict to CEO.” In fact, I’d like to read a passage right now. [clears his throat] There I was, faced down in the middle of a Mexican street… again. As out, no clue where I was. But hey, that’s Mexico for you. That’s when I saw him. A pillow, alone and shivering on a side of the road. He seemed lost. He wasn’t the only one. [pointing at himself] So, we made a pact. We get sober, return to the Unites States of America and create the best pillow company ever after one final fiesta. So, we went nuts. We’re talking two peso whores and a truck load of crack just for me and my pillow. Well, that night was a year. The end.

Colin Jost: That’s the end of your book?

Mike Lindell: Yeah. I don’t know. My brain’s on fire.

Colin Jost: Mike Lindell, everyone.

Mike Lindell: Look, Jane Krakowski’s obsessed with me.

Weekend Update GameStop Stock Surges

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]

Well guys, a lot has happened since our last show. Some of it was good. The inauguration. That was nice. Christmas. I like Christmas. [picture changes to a news article that has quoted white people rioting at the Capitol building as the terrorists] Hey, now the terrorist watchlist includes white people. So, yay for diversity. It’s important to see yourself represented. And of course it’s been a big week for my favorite store at the State Island mall, GameStop. Because a group of guys on Reddit figured out a way to get rich off GameStop while bankrupting a bunch of hedge funds. If you don’t understand how that works, it’s a lot like, and I’ve been waiting so long to reference this, the 2013 magic themed heist movie “Now You See Me.” It’s about four outsider magicians who use power of illusion to rob banks. And tonight, if we can all rally together to make “Now You See Me” the number one movie on Hulu, that would be as unlikely as GameStop as being number one stock in America.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden signed an executive order urging US agencies to buy American made products. Unfortunately, the only products still made in America are tactical gear for white malicious and student loan debt.

[Picture changes to a map of West Virginia]

West Virginia has emerged as a leader in the country for distributing the coronavirus vaccine. They were able to get people to come in for vaccinations by simply putting up a sign. [Picture changes to a sign that says “Free meth this way”.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rand Paul at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senator Rand Paul who looks like Kevin Spacey playing an elderly woman introduced a motion this week that the second impeachment of Donald Trump was unconstitutional and it’s times like this that I think it’s important that we as a country remember that Rand Paul [picture changes to a news article that says “Rand Paul attacked by neighbor”] got his ass kicked by his neighbor while he was mowing his lawn. Now, as hilarious as that must have been to watch, violence against law makers is wrong and his neighbor went to jail for eight months. So, we should be allowed to punish the president who sent MadMax to overthrow the government. [Picture changes to a guy with face paint, fur coat and horn cap at the Capitol riot.] But if Rand Paul wants the violence, we could have Rand Paul fight Logan Paul. In that way, no matter who loses, America wins.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden signed an executive order repealing Trump’s ban on transgender people serving in the military. Fortunately, yes, it’s good news, except Biden is calling a policy “Don’t ask, don’t tuck” which is not good news. Whatever, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a collapsed highway at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I don’t know if you saw this. Yesterday, a large section of California’s famed highway-one collapsed into the ocean and I hate to agree with Marjorie Taylor Greene but, I think it was Jewish space lasers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of $20 bills at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The treasury department announced that they will resume efforts to replace Andrew Jackson on $20 bill with Harriet Tubman. I’m excited to celebrate those Tubman 20s with a few underground rails. [Picture changes to cocaine line and a rolled $20 bill.]

Weekend Update Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese on New York City

Michael Che

Fran Lebowitz… Bowen Yang

Martin Scorsese… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced this week that the New York city could open indoor dining by mid February. Here to comment are the stars of the Netflix show  “Pretend It’s a City”, Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese.

[Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese slide in]

Fran Lebowitz: Here we are!

Michael Che: How are you doing, Fran and Martin? It’s an honor to have you both here.

Fran Lebowitz: Please. I’ve been so bored at home, I was about to get married to my cufflinks. Let me tell you, I’ve done so many interviews in front of audiences, I have squatter’s rights at the 92nd street wide, okay?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: Well, I love the series because it’s the two of you just sitting and talking and Marty just losing his mind.

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Fran Lebowitz: That’s right. They asked me my range and I said I can sit and I can sit down. And the people who went to these talks, they were children. They asked me should I be a writer, should I be a film maker? I say, “No, you should be something useful. Be a piece of melon wrapped in prosciutto.”

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: And that’s your advice?

Fran Lebowitz: What? Martin loves it.

Michael Che: Yeah, Martin seems to love everything you do. Martin, how is it shooting with Fran?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Okay, well, Fran, do you think New York is doing right now good? Is it doing okay?

Fran Lebowitz: Ah, I love it. It’s the worst. Disgusting. I’ll never move. My friends, they’re inviting me to their backyards where socially distanced gatherings, the only outro gathering I go to is the taxi line at JFK. You know why? They let you smoke. Okay?[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Martin, you still into this? [Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Yeah.[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: You’re a real New Yorker through and through, Fran.

Fran Lebowitz: Yes, yes. You’re right. You’re right. But hey, remember when everyone in New York city had a machete?

Michael Che: No.

Fran Lebowitz: It used to be, you would go on a subway and you would look at a man’s machete or his penis. Now, everybody’s looking at their phones. You know why? Because there’s nothing to look at. And what’s Dwayne weed?

Martin Scorsese: [out of breath laughing] You’re so funny.

Fran Lebowitz: Kids are so short nowadays, you know why? You can’t smoke in bars anymore.

Michael Che: I don’t think that’s why.

Fran Lebowitz: Gender doesn’t exist anymore, you know why? Ed Koch died.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he pulls off his eyebrows.]

Michael Che: Did he just laugh his eyebrows off?

Fran Lebowitz: Martin, listen to this. I was walking down the street the other day and you know what occurred to me? Emotional support animals.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he falls off his seat]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Fran Lebowitz: Martin’s off the chair. Time to go.

Michael Che: Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese, everybody!

Fran Lebowitz: Taxi! Taxi!

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on the Capitol Insurrection

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the Capitol riots behind us, people are still trying to figure out how so many people got swept away by such a wrong headed movement. Here with her take is the lady that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Well, well, well. Do my eyes deceive me?

Michael Che: How are you, Cathy–

Cathy Anne: Wait, wait, wait. I’m doing a poem for you. Tis the east and Michael Che is the sun, so I give him my moon. [Cathy Anne stands and tries to open her pants.]

Michael Che: No, no. Hey, Cathy Anne!

Cathy Anne: Ha-ha. I’m just playing around. Lighten up.

Michael Che: Well, you’re supposed to be here to talk about the insurrection at the Capitol.

Cathy Anne: Right, right. Let me tell you, I was glued to the TV during that insurrections.

Michael Che: Oh, so you were watching it?

Cathy Anne: No, I was glued to a TV. Man, it’s been a lot pandemic, okay? Sometimes, you get your huffing glue mixed up with your Purell. I’m only human, man.

Michael Che: Okay, but you got to admit that the riot was pretty shocking.

Cathy Anne: Oh. Do I? I’m not shocked. That’s our right to premises. Listen, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time, right? The local pervert ain’t gonna have a business suit under a trench coat next time. It’s always going to be his privates. Oh, and by the way, how can anybody say whits are supreme anyway? I’m white and whenever I wake up in a dumpster behind IKEA, I never think, “Wow, score run for the master race.”

Michael Che: Why did you wake up in an IKEA dumpster?

Cathy Anne: Because I fell asleep in there. What? You don’t get tired, Mr. Hollywood? Of course. You know what? These republicans ain’t gonna do nothing about these traitors even though they’re the ones that are going to be killed, right? What the hell is wrong with them? You know, that remind me of opossums.

Michael Che: What? Why?

Cathy Anne: You know, coz opossum’s got only two move. Either they hiss or they play dead. “Hiss! Hiss! Oh, Donald Trump!” [acting like playing dead]

Michael Che: You’re pretty good at this.

Cathy Anne: Yeah, well, I had to play dead once. I got tapped at the eight pass at the zoo. The mother gorilla must have thought I was one of her’s, you know? She just yanked me right up as I was walking by. Took the zookeeper three darts to knock the mama out. Five to knock me out.

Michael Che: [laughing] It took more darts to knock you out than a gorilla?

Cathy Anne: Would you quit flirting? Sagging me with those eyes? You know what the sad thing is? They all got played, right? Trump only pardoned his rich friends. You know what? I could use one of those pardons, right? But they only cover high crimes and misdemeanors, and my crimes were very high. You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Yes, I get it.

Cathy Anne: You get high … crimes?

Michael Che: Oh, yes, I get it.

Cathy Anne: Drugs?

Michael Che: No, we get it, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Yeah, drugs, got it.

Cathy Anne: Yeah? You…

Michael Che: I got it.

Cathy Anne: Okay. Now everybody’s just worried about more insurrections around the country, right? How to make sure it don’t happen no more. Hello, I know how. Put them in prison. That’s where they should be, right? They’re Nazis. And you know what? Actually, I think they like it because prison’s got all the things white supremacists love. Other white supremacists, drama, lounge wear and chicken fingers. You know what? In fact, I think they would thrive. They have found it.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a satellite at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers say that a system on the international space station that turns astronaut urine into drinking water could be used to provide clean water on earth. Which is the kind of amazing innovation that makes me think, “Wait, then what are astronaut brownies made of?”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Tom Cruise at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Tom Cruise was recorded on the set of the new Mission Impossible movie yelling at the crew for violating covid restrictions. Apparently, the crew was using camera tricks to make it appear like they were separated by six feet when in reality, it was closer to 5’4″.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mall Santa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in Georgia say that more than 50 children may have been exposed to coronavirus by a mall Santa, which is the second worst thing a mall Santa can expose children to.

Weekend Update- Trump’s Final 2020 Election Message

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, the election guys, it’s three days away. And after all this time, Trump I think has finally found a winning message.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: You know, our doctors get more money if somebody dies from covid. You know that, right?

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s our president recently saved by doctors saying doctors want more covid for money. Which makes me think Trump only survive covid so he wouldn’t have to pay his doctors. Unfortunately, Trump’s gaslighting isn’t quite enough to keep you warm because multiple Trump supporters who were stranded at a freezing cold rally in Nebraska were hospitalized with hypothermia. I assume because Trump told them that jackets don’t work. But don’t worry, the president isn’t trying to kill his supporters. He’s actually succeeding at killing his supporters. According to a study, over 30,000 covid cases and 700 deaths have been tied directly to Trump rallies. That means he’s officially killed more people across the midwest than Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy combined. Which is also kind of what Trump looks like. In the end, I guess that Trump was right, that he is not a typical politician since politicians don’t typically spend the last week of the election murdering their own voters.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Lil’ Wayne at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Lil’ Wayne met with President Trump this week to discuss Trump’s fubu platinum plan for the black community. I don’t know what it’s actually called. Many are surprised by Lil’ Wayne’s endorsements of Trump but keep in mind, Lil’ Wayne puts cough syrup in his sprite. So… Look, it’s weird that I have to tell politicians this but rappers are not black leaders. They’re just rappers. Stop negotiating with them. They only do this with black people. I’ve never saw a candidate talking to Gilbert Godfrey about what to do in Israel. That’d be insulting, right? Plus, rappers are just way too busy to be leaders anyway. I love Ice Cube, but you know how many jobs he has on top of negotiating for black people? You know why Malcolm and Martin were such great leaders? Because they weren’t also working on BarberShop4.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and a map of Georgia at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Experts say that Joe Biden could win in Georgia if he can assemble a coalition of black voters, white women and rural voters. So, basically, The Voice. [Picture changes to the musical show ‘The Voice’.]

[Picture changes to Jared Kushner]

Jared Kushner who always looks like a child dressed up for a funeral, Jared said Monday that black Americans have to want to help themselves if they want to be successful. Yeah, I don’t know if I trust a guy who thinks the black experience is the highest tier in American Express.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a check-box with “vote” written on it at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Hey, I don’t know what’s going to happen with this election. The tension is just killing me. I don’t know what this world’s going to be after Tuesday. I may never see you again, Colin. I mean, we might both get drafted in the race war. It’s not fair. You just married Scarlett Johansson and I just bought an electric bike. We’re both doing equally great. I feel like the band on the Titanic. Everything’s just going bad and I’m up here trying to do jokes like, “”Hey, did you hear the one about the constipated accountant?”

Colin Jost: Wait, what about the constipated accountant?

Michael Che: Oh. He couldn’t budge it. So, he had to work it out with a pencil. It’s a kid’s joke. You never heard that? Alright, whatever, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Now, again guys, the election is only three days and I’m a little worried. Mainly because of that Che’s joke. But all I think and believe is that we cannot do another four years of Trump. It is too much. Everyday, I wake up after two hours of sleep and I google “America still democracy?” Even if you like Trump, at this point, you have to be exhausted. Remember that friend you had who at 4AM would be like, “Yeah, where are we going next?” And you’re like, “This is fun, but if I keep hanging out with this dude, I’m gonna die.” Right now, it feels like Trump wants us all to do another bump from whatever he’s got from his muppet doctor and just sort of see where the night takes us. I don’t know about you guys, but I think this time I am calling a designated driver. [picture changes to Joe Biden] And I just really hope he also brings this guy with him.

[Cut to a video clip of Barack Obama scoring a 3 pointer in basketball.]

Barack Obama: That’s what I do.

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Season 2 of The Mandalorian

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: In a break from election news, season 2 of “The Mandolorian” premiered on Disney Plus on Friday. Here to discuss it is the star of the show, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: I’m back. What?

Michael Che: Wow. Well, it’s really good to see you, Baby Yoda. How have you been?

Baby Yoda: I’ve been good. I spent the summer quarantining with my homies Jake Paul, Mia Khalifa and Wreck-It Ralph. Nice dude. Real nice dude. But you know, it was chill. I mean, I’m just a baby.

Michael Che: Well, that’s good. “The Mandolorian” is back. That’s pretty exciting. Sounds like it’s going to be a good season.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. But shout out to the writers. I mean they mad awkward to be around. But they come up with some Fuego ideas, bro. I just wish they’d let me dance a little more. You know what I’m saying? Like, [dancing] hey, hey.

Michael Che: Yeah. It doesn’t seem like that kind of show.

Baby Yoda: No. The idea is no. But to my fans, I love y’all. For real. But some of y’all can maybe take it easy on those DMs though. I mean I read some of these. I’m like, “Dang! You wanna do what to Baby Yoda?” You know, that’s all– that’s interesting. They’re sexual in nature, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I got that. Well, it sounds like you’re definitely a fan favorite.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. You know, things are kind of blowing up. You might have heard me on a Joe Rogan’s podcast. Talking about my new line of cannabis products. That was a chill five hours.

Michael Che: Oh, damn. Baby Yoda, you really do smoke weed?

Baby Yoda: Oh, hell yeah. Hey, how do you think I got so green? No, but for real, we selling them Dago-bud, Wookie Cookies, and CBD kombucha called Jabba the Kombucha.

Michael Che: That’s very cool. It’s very cool.

Baby Yoda: But Michael, since I have this platform, I do want to say something real quick.

Michael Che: By all means.

Baby Yoda: I’ma put it like this. Baby Groot, we ain’t friends. I know you still talking smack about me and I just want to say your TikToks are cringe, bro. Dylan Sprouse hit me up like, “Yo, you see this?” I was like, “Yup.” But honestly, it’s all love. I’m not a hater. But if you say my name one more time, I’ll kill you.

Michael Che: Wow. Baby Yoda, everyone. Oh my god.

Weekend Update- Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed & Halloween Robot

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Twitter logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Twitter is launching a program to ‘pre-bunk’ misinformation posted on the site. But I don’t know. They taught us in health class that even ‘pre-bunk’ can get you pregnant.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says ‘Confirmed by senate along party lines’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow. The senate voted to confirm Justice Amy Coney Barrett along party lines. Party lines is also what Don Jr. does to prepare for interviews.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panera Bread logo and a pizza at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Panera announced that it’s adding pizza to it’s menu, which is a kind of fun story your aunt would have posted on Facebook before their algorithms made her a white supremacist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police Department logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New York city police officer was suspended after he used his loud to yell “Trump 2020”. According to NYPD guidelines, Cops can only whisper “Trump 2020” as they choke someone out. I thought that was a fun one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bud Light seltzers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: But Light has introduced new flavors of it’s hard seltzers for the holiday season including apple crisp, peppermint paddy and ginger snap. Though it’s hard to taste the flavor when you’re so drunk, you reach for a Bud Light peppermint paddy. And hey guys, fun tip, you can also make your own Bud Light peppermint paddy at home by combining Scope and Vodka.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron Jeremy at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Prosecutors have seven additional counts of sexual assault against porn star Ron Jeremy, who now faces a possible 300 years in prison. But, if anyone can last that long, it’s Ron Jeremy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “man builds robot to hand out candy”.]

Colin Jost: And guys, a man in Texas built a robot to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. He calls it “The sex offender loophole 3000”. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.