Chucky Chocolate

Octavia Spencer

Mike… Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Steve… Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Security… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Octavia talking to her staff]

Octavia: Circle up, everybody. Now, I wanna talk about what happened on Friday. Obviously that was pretty upsetting for everyone.

Mike: Yeah, just awful.

Vanessa: I’m still little shaken up.

Octavia: Well, suffice to say, Steve will not be working here anymore. I’ve been told he won’t even be allowed on the premises.

Cecily: Thank god.

Octavia: And I want to reassure you that this is an office where you can feel safe and comfortable.

[funny music playing] [Steve walks in with a cart]

What’s that?

Vanessa: Oh, my god! I think, Steve.’

Steve: Hey, hey, hey. Chocolate delivery. Here I am, your humble chocolate delivery man. Your most apology in the form of chocolates. You see? Fripples for all.

Bobby: Are you wearing makeup?

Steve: Just a little bit.

Vanessa: Steve, sweets are not gonna make up for what you did.

Steve: Oh, yeah? Well, here’s a question. [singing] Do you like chocolate lotto? With peppermint crump. du-du-du-du
Do you even like second chances? To a real sorry boy.

What do you say, guys?

Bobby: You shouldn’t be here, man!

Steve: Look, ha-ha-ha, I know I was a bit of a dick. It’s nothing that chocolates can’t fix.

Octavia: You came in with a gun, Steve.

Steve: [singing] Rocky road, lotto, chocolate chips, double dip

[trying to put a chocolate bar in Vanessa’s mouth] Ooh! Those are bars.

Vanessa: Get it off my face, please.

Octavia: How did you get pass security, Steve?

Steve: Steve? Steve? I don’t see Steve. I only see Chucky Chocolate.

Octavia: Chucky Chocolate?

Steve: Jackie Chocolate.

Cecily: No, you said Chucky.

Steve: Who cares? Get over it. I don’t know.

Aidy: Steve, you can’t be here. Okay? You grabbed Debby by the shirt and you screamed, “I’m seeing that chest for once and for all.”

Steve: Thick move. My bad. But in my defense,

[singing] Oh, chikidi-chocolate, the Chinese chocolate,
you have a pepper mint and your mouth start singing
ooh-yeah! Chocolate time for the lady.

Mike: Steve! Are you honestly so insane that you think free chocolates are gonna get you your job back?

[Steve nodding his head]

Octavia: Oh, my god! He just pissed his pants.

Steve: Ha-ha. You wish. [Steve’s pants are all wet]

Octavia: Steve, you need to get out of here.

Steve: Oh, and go to my desk? And start my day? Unpack my things and such?

Octavia: No. I just called security.

Steve: Oh! To escort me to my desk? So I can start my day? Unpack my things and such?

[the security walks in]

Oh, who’s this hungry boy? Chocolate, alright! [puts a chocolate in Security’s mouth]

Security: Hey! Come on! Let’s go.

Steve: Hey, can I just say one freaking thing? Nobody will let me even talk.

Octavia: Bitch, you’ve been talking the whole time.

Steve: Look, gang, I know I was a bit of a dick. But look at Mike, he’s going– dude, you’re being too hard on yourself.

Mike: No, I’m not.

Steve: If I had a gun, I’d blow your brains out, Mike. And that’s why I’m Chuckie Chocolate, the elegant chocolate man.

Bar Centrale

Candis… Aidy Bryant

Noal… Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Terry… Cecily Strong

Jode… Octavia Spencer

Waiter… Alex Moffat

[Starts with four ladies getting seats at a restaurant]

Candis: Oh, here’s an open table.

Noal: Perfect!

Vanessa: Let’s get out girl time on. I can only sneak off for two hours.

Terry: Hey, guys, I hope you don’t mind but I invited a new friend that y’all are gonna lose your damn minds over.

Candis: Oh, cool.

Terry: Yeah, yeah. She keeps it real and a hundred. Okay? You guys are gonna love her. Just keep your eyes open for her. She’s black. Oh, there she is. Girl! [calling] Girl, we over here.

[Jode walks in]

Jode: Hi. I’m Jode.

Terry: It’s that fierce B I’m telling you about.

Candis: Um, Jode?

Jode: Yeah, Jode. Sorry, I’m late. I was stuck at the CVS waiting for my prescription bra.

Terry: Ah! Prescription bra! Girl! [Terry is only the one who is over-excited] I should have known you’ve already been cracking me up. Didn’t I warn y’all? She’s crazy.

Noal: Okay. Yeah. Well, let’s just order some drinks and then try to figure out all that’s happening with you and her.

Terry: Oh, Jode, you’re ready to get your drink on?

Jode: Hell, yeah.

Candis: Oh, well, there’s out waiter. I’ll call him. Sir!

Terry: Oh, okay. Hot waiter with the beard. Guys, I cannot be responsible for what this B is about to say to this man.

[the waiter walks in]

Waiter: Ladies, welcome to Bar Centrale. I’m Nelson. How can I be of service tonight?

Terry: Oh, okay, Jode is about to slay. I know that look. You need to watch. You need to watch and learn.

Jode: Um, can I get a two liters of diet right. And can you let me know when the ladies’ room is completely empty? And then, when I go in there, would you put the ‘out of order’ sign on the door?

Terry: Word!

Waiter: Um, I’m gonna have to check my manager, but I will see what I can do for you. And the rest of you ladies, do you want some drinks?

Candis: Um, yeah. Can we just have a bottle of riesling?

Waiter: Absolutely.

Vanessa: So, Jode, what do you do?

Terry: Oh, besides giving zero f’s.

Jode: Um, I kill bugs for Orkin.

Terry: What? Girl. You are cracking me up talking about Orkin.

Candis: Um, Terry, I think that’s just where she works.

Terry: Candis, girl, jealous is not pretty on you. You know what I’m saying, Jode?

Jode: I got jealous once of my uncle’s haircut and I didn’t speak to him for a month. And then I realized I could get the same haircut, and I did. It’s this one on my head.

Terry: Now, that’s the damn truth. Right? Look at Noal all like, “The thirst is real?”

Noal: What? Jode, you seem nice. And I don’t mean to be rude, but Terry, I’m wondering if you’re putting things on this relationship that just aren’t there.

Terry: What?

Candis: Yeah, Terry. I think you got embarrassed about not knowing that February is Black History Month, and now you’re doing this.

Terry: Oh my–! Okay, are you even–! Jode, I’m sorry. We need to go dance because I am being trolled by these damn trolls.

Jode: Wait, Terry, were you using me to impress your friends?

Terry: Okay. [music playing in the background] Maybe it started that way. But the two days I’ve spent with you have really been special to me. And I really hope you’ll still consider being my friend, because you know how to have a damn good time.

Jode: You know what? I was using you too to impress my friends. And they think the crazy way you talk is funny. You sound like a teenager in a potato chips commercial.

Terry: Aw, girl. We played each other. But ended up BFFs.

Jode: Now, let’s show these bitches what true friendship is. [to waiter] Sir!

Waiter: Yes?

Jode: Can you play Mumbo Number Five by Lou Bega?

Waiter: For a couple of real friends who just taught us a lesson, of course.

[music playing] [Terry and Jode start dancing]

Noal: I guess we weren’t being very fair. They really are good friends.

Candis: Yeah. And look, Jode backed that waiter!

[Jode and Waiter are dancing and Terry is cheering for them]

Terry: Whoo! Get it girl! Right? Jode for the win. Candis, I know you’re watching this.

Trump People’s Court

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Judges… Pete Davidson, Vanessa Bayer, Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The People’s Court intro]

Male voice: This is the People’s Court.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the court]

Male voice: This is the plaintiff, the president of the United States. He claims that some phony judges are being very mean to him. He is asking for broad unchecked power. Will he get it?

[Cut to three judges walking in the court]

These are the defendants. They are three judges from the 9th circuit court who heard the case for Trump’s ban and said not in. They’re accused of letting bad hombres pour into this country.

Police: All Rise. [everybody stands] Judges, do each of you swear to tell the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god.

9th Circuit Judges: We do.

Police: Mr. President.

Donald Trump: I’m good.

Police: Proceed it.

Judge: Alright, thank you. First of all, Mr. Trump, you understand this is a TV court, right?

Donald Trump: That’s okay. I’m a TV president.

Judge: Alright, so, your travel ban has been rejected as unconstitutional, once again, but here you are. What are we doing here, man?

Donald Trump: Well, thank you, judge, or what do you call a lady judge? A flight attendant? Something like that? Look, I signed a tremendous travel ban. I didn’t read it but I signed it. People took pictures of me holding up a piece of paper. Very official. These judges have been very disrespectful. I’m right. They’re wrong. I want the ban reinstated. Also, I want $725.

Judge: Okay. You know, earlier this woman asked me to award her joint custody of a snake and she had more of a case than you. Okay? Alright. Let me ask the circuit court judges.

Donald Trump: So called.

Judge: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: So called. So called judges.

Judge: Excuse me, Mr. Trump, these three are federal judges. Okay? They’re actually more real than I am. Alright, judges, why did you agree with the lower courty’s projection of the ban?

Vanessa: Your honor, it was our conclusion that the ban violated the establishment clause because it included a religious test.

Donald Trump: Wrong. [Donald Trump has his own gavel banging] Over ruled!

Judge: President Trump, that’s enough!

Donald Trump: I’ll allow it. I’ll allow it.

Judge: Alright, Mr. Trump, do you have one legitimate reason we need this ban?

Donald Trump: Of course I do. It’s so simple. The bad people are pouring in. And you see them. And it’s ISIS. And San Bernandino, Chicago, I mean, look at Chicago. It’s hell. There are bad dudes coming in here. Bad hombres, bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?

Judge: Alright, that sounded less like an argument and more like refrigerator magnet poetry. Alright, Mr. Trump, I hear you wanna bring in a character witness.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Someone who has known me for years. He’s a family. Incredible person with impeccable credentials, Mr. Vladimir Putin.

[Vladimir Putin walks in and he is giving high-fives to the people behind Donald Trump].

[background entrance music playing]

Male voice announcing: “He’s Russian president. An authoritarian leader who invaded other countries and killed rivals. He’s president’s Trump’s long-time crush.”

Donald Trump: Vladimir is an amazing person. He knows me better than anyone.

Vladimir Putin: That’s right. Hey, everybody, come on! Lay off president Trump, okay? This man is a great friend. He’s my little American Happy Meal. He do anything for you. He’d go against his own country just to make us happy, okay? We good here? Cool. [Vladimir Putin walks away] See you at Mar-A-Lago, baby!

Judge: Okay, you know what? Alright, that’s it. President Trump, look, I read the bad. It seemed rushed even to me. I decide three court cases in an hour, okay. Okay? I see no evidence that it will help. So I am sorry to say–

Donald Trump: I want to settle.

Judge: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: I’d like to settle. Settle out of court.

Judge: No. Mr. President, I’m sorry but–

Donald Trump: We settle and so will you.

Judge: No, sir, no, I won’t. And let me just say, you are doing too much. Okay? I want one day without a CNN alert that scared the hell out of me. Alright? I just– I just want to relax and watch the Grammy’s. Alright, and no one has ever said that. That’s my decision.

Male voice: Judge rules for the 9th circuit judges. Our next case, on ‘The People’s Court’. The Plaintiff is president Donald J. Trump. The defendant is a manager at Nordstorm, when we return.

Sean Spicer Press Conference Cold Open (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Thrush… Bobby Moynihan

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Mikey Day

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: We now go live to the Daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sean Spicer on a podium] [cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Alright everyone, be quiet. Be seated. Sit down. Sit down. Alright. First of all, I’ld like to announce I am calm now. And I will remain calm as long as you sons of– I’m not gonna do that because that’s is the old spicy. And this is the new spicy. And I have been told that I must cut back on the gum chewing so I am now limiting myself to one slice a day. [showing a huge gum] So, I’m going to enjoy my one and only and you can just sit and watch. [Sean Spicer opens the huge gum and chews it. Then puts it on the podium.] I’ll get back to you later. Now, I’d like to begin with president’s schedule. Three PM, president Trump will meet with the leader from Central Asia, president… oh, boy, [not being able to read the president’s name] Asma-back-atima-baby. OKay? To discuss the unrest in Kahaga– [not being able to read the country’s place] Kahagasthan. Specifically in.. Arabara– [not being able to read the place’s name] Arawanaabag. So, write that. And they will be joined by his wife… um, I’m just gonna pass on that one. You know what? Let’s just call her Connie. Alright? Okay, did that. Now, I’m going to open this up for questions. And I’m gonna probably freak if you start asking stupid ones. Speaking of freaks and stupid ones, , Glenn Thrush, New York Times, stupid hat, so.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: Look, I just wanted to know what the president intends to do now that the appeals court denied his request to stop the travel ban?

[Cut to Sean Spicer breathing heavy]

Sean Spicer: [looking above] You’re testing me, big guy. Look, it’s simple. If the appeals court won’t do what’s right, president Trump will see them in court. Specifically, the people’s court.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: That isn’t real.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [mocking Glenn] Uh, that isn’t real. I’m Glenn, and I’m not really– [yelling] It is real, Glenn! It says that right before each case, Glen. It says cases are real. The rulings are final. Don’t f* with me Glenn. Next question. It’s turkey.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Um, the president has said there should be a test to see if immigrants truly love America. What would that test even be?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Um, it’s easy, it’s extreme vetting. Extreme vetting.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Um, what does that mean? Extreme vetting?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: What does it mean? It means it’s extreme! Okay? You know what? Spicy is going to explain it so you dumb babies can understand it. So I guess I can’t use my big words. I’m gonna have to use my dollies.

[Sean Spicer steps aside. There are two boxes in front of him]

Alright? You ready for dollies so you can understand what’s going on? Here’s how it’s going to go down. You’ve got your TSA agent right here, okay? [showing an action figure] And first you have a barbie coming in. [showing a barbie doll] Nice American girl back from a dream vacation. We know she’s okay because she’s blonde. So she gets in. [throwing the barbie inside another box] Easy. We understand that perfect. Now who’s up next? [showing another black barbie] Oh-oh! It’s Moana.  Whoa, whoa, slow your roll, honey. And then we are going to pat her down and then we’re gonna read her emails. And if we don’t like the answers which we won’t, boom! Guantanamo Bay.

[Sean Spicer walks back to the podium]

Alright, let’s go! Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes. Earlier this week, you said there was a terrorist attack in Atlanta.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [laughing] Um, yeah. I said that wrong when I said it, and then you wrote it, which makes you wrong. Because when I say something wrong, you guys should know what it is I mean? Wrong or right, you are wrong. And that’s why you’re here. Obviously I meant Orlanta.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Orlando.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [getting angry] You know what? [Sean Spicer picks up the gum she had put on the podium and throws it to Sasheer] Okay? Look, the problem is all these terrorist instances and incidents that you are not reporting on. Okay? I have a whole list here that you never even write about. Never covered them once. Let’s read from the list. Okay? The Bowling Green massacre. Not the Kellyanne one. The real one. Okay? The horror in Six Flags. The slaughter at Fragglerock. The night they drove Old Dixie down. Okay? And then there was some light terrorism this week when Nordstorm’s decided to stop selling Ivanka Trump’s line of clothing and accessories. Okay? And that’s Nordstrom’s loss. Because these are high, high quality products. IN fact, I am waring one of her bangles right now. It’s beautiful, it’s shimmery, it’s elegant and at $39.99? [Details to product and phone number to buy appears on screen like those of commercial ads] It is unbelievably affordable. Okay? And don’t even get me started on her shoes. Alright? These babies are real turners. Okay, now we have brand new Attorney General and everyone is very excited about him. And he’s going to answer some questions as well as, here we go! yeah! Jeff Sessions.

[Jeff Sessions walks in]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you so much. Thank you. This is awesome. Thank you so much. I do want to say I appreciate it. The fierce debate around my nomination. Lindsay Graham came in like a porcupine. But then my friend Mitch McConnell swoop in like an alligator, bite a head off. We know there are two kinds of crime, regular and black.

[Sean Spicer runs in and pushes Jeff Sessions away]

Sean Spicer: Alright! Alright! Case made! Case made! Thank you, secretary Sessions. Now, as you know, we do need some one here to bring back law and order because places like Chicago, the murder rate is over 80%. 80% of people the people in Chicago have been murdered and are dead. And that’s on you. You did that.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah. You know what? I’m looking at the real numbers here and they directly contradict everything you said.

[Sean Spicer comes forward with a leaf blower and uses it on Cecily.]

Sean Spicer: You know what that was? That was me blowing away their dishonesty. Alright, any other questions?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah. Um, just mentally though, are you okay?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Are you kidding me? [This time, she has an automatic podium that runs like a bike, so she runs it to it Kyle.] Run! You better run! You don’t have a chance. And life from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Leslie Wants To Play Trump

Leslie Jones

Melania Trump… Cecily Storng

Vanessa Bayer

Lorne Michaels

[Starts with Leslie Jones walking in the streets]

Leslie narrating: For a long time, I never thought that this could be possibility.

[Cut to shooting for Alec Baldwin playing Donald Trump]

Alec Baldwin: It’s a disaster. You look at Chicago. The bailiff knows what i”m talking about. You know..

[Cut to 1 and Bobby Moynihan talking off screen]

Leslie: Man! Alec is so good.

Bobby: The best, man! He has got so much material for the next four years.

Leslie: Do you really think he’s going to do this for next four years? Doesn’t he have other stuff to do?

Bobby: I’m not sure. But, I mean, who’s gonna replace him?

[Cut to screen “Leslie wants to play Trump”] [Cut to Leslie Jones narrating]

Leslie narrating: I never dreamed that I could play the president. But then Melissa played Spicer and I was like, “Yo! Why can’t I play Trump?” I knew I had to make this happen. [Leslie Jones is trying to learn how Donald Trump speaks and moves] So I studied everything him.

Leslie: Huge! Huge! Drain the swamp of tremendous Muslims.

Leslie narrating: It even started to affect my relationship.

[Cut to Leslie Jones sitting on Kyle Mooney’s laps. She is lookin at the laptop with headphones on.]

Kyle: Can we just have sex?

Leslie: Come on, Kyle! I have to practice this.

Kyle: Baby, I’m sorry, okay? It’s just, you don’t even look like Donald Trump. You’re too beautiful.

Leslie: Whatever. We already had sex like twice today. Get off me. Jeez.

Leslie narrating: But I just had to commit.

[Cut to the dressing room]

Melissa: Is this like a send up on his fragile masculinity?

Leslie: No.

Sasheer: Is it like a Hamilton thing where you’re making a comment on race and politics?

[Cut to Leslie Jones. She has orange hair and yellow eyebrows ]

Leslie: Nope, it’s about giving America what it wants.

Leslie narrating: Some people couldn’t see it.

Vanessa: A woman playing Trump? It’s an interesting idea, Leslie, but trust me, it will never fly.

Leslie narrating: Finally, it was the moment of truth.

Female voice: Leslie, you can go in now.

Leslie: Um, okay. [acting like Donald Trump] Lorne, baby. I have a huge idea, bigly.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels]

Lorne: It’s not going to happen, Leslie.

Leslie: [disappointed] Alright. I mean, I understand. I understand. [looking at the cameraman] Fellas, hey, can I have a minute, please? [cameras off] [yelling] Don’t say no to me, Lorne! I’ll f* destroy this whole place! I’m so tired of this f* popcorn. Why the f* roses in here? People keep casting me as somebody who always yells. I’m trying to show you I got range. [Leslie is getting violent towards Lorne Michaels] I’m trying to show you something different.

[Cut to Leslie jones being pulled away by the security]

Leslie: I’m going. I’m going. [Vanessa Bayer is walking pass dressed like Donald Trump] Hey, Vanessa! What are you doing?

Vanessa: [acting like Donald Trump] I’m looking out for number one, baby!

Leslie: Man, that bitch is supposed to be my friend, man! Am I fired?

[Cut to Leslie walking out of the building, still dressed as Donald Trump] [A limousine pulls over]

Melania Trump: Donald? Donald? Is that you?

Leslie: Melania? I mean, [acting like Donald Trump] yes, darling, it’s me.

Melania Trump: What are you doing out here in cold? Get in.

[Melania opens the door to limousine] [Leslie Jones gets in the car and the car drives away]

Golden Ticket

Charlie… Kristen Stewart

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Turner Classic Movies. We now return to 1971’s, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

[Cut to an old cottage house. Inside the bedroom, there are two old men and two old women in one bed. Charlie runs in.]

Charlie: Look, everybody! I got it! The 5th golden ticket. It’s mine.

Kate: Oh, you’re pulling our legs, Charlie. There aren’t any more golden tickets.

Charlie: Grandma, the 5th one was fake. It said so in the papers. I found money in the street and I bought a chocolate bar and the ticket was in it.

Pete: Charlie!

Charlie: Grandpa, look for yourself. [hands the ticket to Pete]

Pete: [reading] Greetings to you, finder of this golden ticket, from Mr. Willy Wonka. Present this ticket at the factory gates at 10 o’clock in the morning. You may bring oner person, but no one else. Charlie, you’ve done it! [Pete comes out of the bed and stands] Look at me! Up and about! I haven’t done this in 20 years.

[singing] I never thought that I could be
anything but catastrophy
but suddenly I begin to see
a bit of good luck for me

Charlie: Wait, what? You can stand? Are you serious right now?

Pete: Yes, Charlie. I’m standing.

Charlie: Grandpa, you’ve been able to stand this entire time and you just didn’t?

Pete: Yes.

Charlie: But I thought you had terrible polio.

Pete: Oh, god no! I’m old, not sick, Charlie. Now let me finish my song.

[singing] I never thought that I could be

Charlie: I never thought you could walk, grandpa. I dropped out of school. I had to get a job. I work for a bookie.

Pete: And you’re doing great, Charlie.

Charlie: I schedule dog fights. And last week I got stabbed by a man named Dennis, it was so much fun.

Pete: Look, Charlie, you found the golden ticket, now please, let me do my number.

[singing] I never thought

Charlie: No, no. You never stood up, then I get a ticket with a plus one, and suddenly you’re dancing around like Ginger Rogers on Uppers. No.

[Mikey gets out of bed too]

Mikey: Oh, Charlie, be easy on your grandfather.

Charlie: You can stand too? Hell no, I sponge-bathed you. I washed your balls!

Mikey: I didn’t ask you to. I also thought that was strange. Calm down, Charlie.

Charlie: You calm down. I’m out on the streets while your lazy asses are in bed all day scissoring? I’m not down with that.

Pete: Come on, Charlie. Cheer up. Let’s get ready for the factory!

Charlie: What part of “You ain’t going” don’t you get, dog?

Kate: Maybe sounds like you’ve had a bit too much chocolate, Charlie.

Charlie: I’ve had none, we’re poor. You know what? Screw all of you.

Vanessa: I actually do have polio.

Charlie: Please, Grandma. I’m sorry. I got to go. [Charlie storms out]

Pete: Alright. Well, race to the movies?

Kate: Whoo! [Kate gets out of the bed too]

Pete: [singing] a bit of good luck for me

[Pete runs out with Kate and Mikey]

Vanessa: I really do have polio.

Sean Spicer Press Conference (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Flush… Bobby Moynihan

Kristen Stewart

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Betsy DeVos… Kate McKinnon

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with C-SPAN show schedule]

Male voice: Next on C-SPAN, the daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to the White House podium. Sean Spicer walks in.] [cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Good afternoon. [yelling] Settle down! Settle down! Settle down! Before we begin, I know that myself and the press have gotten off to a rocky start. [cheers and applause] Alright! Alright! alright! alright! In a sense, when I say rocky start, I mean it in the sense of ‘Rocky’ the movie because I came out here to punch you in the face. And also, I don’t talk so good. So, I’d like to begin today by apologizing on behalf of you, to me for how you have treated me in the last two weeks. And that apology is not accepted. Coz I’m not here to be your buddy. I’m here to swallow gum, and I’m here to take names.

[Sean Spicer takes a pack of gums out and pours it all in his mouth and starts chewing] [speaking with gums in his mouth] Okay, now let me wave something shiny in front of you monkeys. [Sean Spicer pulls the gum out of his mouth and sticks it on the podium] I’ll get back to you. As you know, President Trump announced his supreme court pick on the national TV today. When he entered the room, the crows greeted him with a standing ovation which lasted a full 15 minutes. And you can check the tape on that. Everyone was smiling. Everyone was happy. The men all had erections and every single one of women was ovulating left and right. And no one, no one was sad. Those are the facts forever and there’s something else. We got something X, three, four, capital T, capital P, eight, four. Hang on, wait a minute, that’s my email password. Forget that. Nobody write that. Stop writing that down!

Now, president’s schedule for today, at 3:45 the president will host an encore screening of ‘Finding Dory’. Okay? The story of a forgetful fish, okay? Everybody likes that. Then at 6 PM he’s going to abolish the national park system. But ‘Dory’, good stuff. So, if nobody has any questions.. [Sean Spicer prepares to leave] [Cut to the media raising their hands for questions] [Cut to Sean Spicer]

Okay, we’ll do a couple of questions. Go, Glen Flush, New York Times. Boo, go ahead.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Yeah, I wanted to ask about the travel ban on Muslims?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban.

Glen Flush: I’m sorry?

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban. The travel ban is not a ban which makes it not a ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: But you just called it a ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Because I’m using your words. You said ban. You said ban, now I’m saying ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: The president tweeted and I quote, “If the ban were announced with a one-week notice–”

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [interrupting] Yeah, exactly. You just said that. He’s quoting you. It’s your words. He’s using your words when you used the words and he uses them back, it’s circular using of the word and that’s from you. Seriously, Glen, are you going to start with me right out of the gate? I mean, what do you want? Me to take my nuts out so you can get a better kick at them?

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Okay. You had to have known that I would ask that question.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Okay, sit down, Glen. Who here– just by show of hands, who hates Glen? Right? [no one is raising hand] Everybody? One, to, three, infinity. Now, let the record that everyone raised their hands and everyone hates Glen. So print that. That’s your story. Next question, go.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Yeah, I would like to ask about Steve Bannon’s role on the national security council.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, that’s a dumb question. that’s a stupid question. Sit down, Glen.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: My name is not Glen.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: I know your names. I’m just saying “Glen” like in a general Glen. It’s your word. It’s your word. Next, go.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, I’m also concerned about Steve Bannon. A lot of people are saying he’s the one behind the Muslim ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, alright, you guys still aren’t getting it. You need some props? My word’s too big, I got to show you in pictures? [Sean Spicer walks aside. There are two boxes.] Great. Here we go. When it comes to these decisions, the constitution [pulling out a huge paper out of one box] gives our president [pulling out Donald Trump’s picture] lots of power [pulling out an electric plug]. And Steve Bannon is the key [pulling out a huge key] advisor [pulling out a visor cap]. And our president will not [showing a rope knot] be deterred [pulling out fake poop]. In his fight against radical Muslims [pulling out a toy Moose and Lamb (moose-lamb)]. Now, does anybody else have any questions?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yeah. Wall Street Journal. Are you okay?

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Vanessa with it]

Sean Spicer: Take it! You take it! You cannot come at me like that. I will put you in the corner with CNN!

[Cut to Kyle inside bars wearing CNN ID card and diapers]

Kyle: [yelling] We’re not fake news!

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: You like that? You like that, dork? You like that, dork?

[Sean Spicer puts the podium back]

Everybody just cool out, alright? Obviously I’ve been getting a lot of questions about Betsy DeVos, okay? Our nominee for secretary of education. So we actually have her here today to field some few simple question, which I’m sure she’s capable of doing. Betsy!

[Betsy DeVos walks in] [cheers and applause]

Betsy DeVos: Hello. Thank you, yeah. Yes. The man?

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Hi. I don’t think we ever got a clear answer on this. How do you value growth versus proficiency in measuring progress in students?

[Cut to Betsy DeVos]

Betsy DeVos: Okay, well, yes, I don’t know anything about school. But I do think there should be a school. Probably Jesus school. and I do think it should have walls and roof and gun for potential grizzly.

[Sean Spicer walks in and pushes Betsy DeVos out]

Sean Spicer: Thank you. that’s enough for now. Thank you. Um, I’ll accept one last question. I’ll take this loser.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: I’ve got a question about the statement in White House released on Holocaust Remembrance Day. Do you think it was anti-semitic to not even mention the Jewish people in this statement? [Mikey is being water sprayed] What are you dong?

[Cut to Sean Spicer spraying water on Mikey using a water gun toy]

Sean Spicer: This is soapy water and I’m washing that filthy lying mouth out! First of all, how could the statement, a statement be anti-semitic? The guy who write it was super Jewy. Okay? And the fact is a lot of different people suffered in the holocaust, it wasn’t just Jews. It was also the Gypsies, the lesbies, and these other guys. That’s your word. Your word. That’s enough for today. Spicy’s got to go, bye-bye right now. Need a big-boy nap. Wake up up exactly one minute before tomorrow’s press conference. [pointing at the camera] And Live From New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, that already happened.

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Mikey with it] [cheers and applause] [The End]

Totino’s with Kristen Stewart

Vanessa Bayer

Sabine… Kristen Stewart

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a group os guys watching football]

Beck: Come on, yes!

Kyle: Go, go, go, go.

All: Touchdown!

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Is everyone enjoying the big game?

Beck: Oh, come on babe, don’t act like you know sports.

[Cut to Wife in the kitchen]

Wife: [smiling] My husband’s right. When it comes to the big game, there’s only one thing I know about, feeding my hungry guys.

All: No, no! Fumble!

Wife: And this year’s game is bigger than ever. Which means I’ll be feeding them more Totinos than ever.

Beck: Babe, we need more Totinos, Dave just got here.

Wife: Not a problem, because this year I’ve got the new Totino’s Totino two-pack. It’s twice the Totino for twice the hungry guys.

Beck: Enough yapping, we need the Totinos. Ted’s here too, and he brought his sister.

Wife: Great, more hands to help me make delicious Totinos pi–

[Wife looks at Sabine and gets mesmerized.] [music playing]

Pizza rolls. Oh, my!

[Sabine walks to Wife]

Sabine: Hi. I’m Sabine. what’s your name?

Wife: I never had one.

Sabine: That’s a shame.

[Wife turns around and starts putting the Totino rolls on tray. Sabine starts putting the rolls and slowly touches Wife’s hands.]

Wife: I should bring these out.

Sabine: No, stay with me.

Wife: But– what about my hungry guys?

Sabine: What are you hungry for?

Guys: Go, go, go, yes! Touchdown! Hey, babe, we need those Totinos, what’s going on back there?

[Wife and Sabine are in the kitchen hugging each other and dancing softly.] [Wife is drawing a picture of Sabine eating Totinos.] [Wife looks away]

Sabine: What is it?

Wife: Every big game before this one, I’ve been asleep. But, Sabine, [speaking in French. The subtitle reads ‘You have awoken me. I feel like we are the only two people on Earth.’]

Beck: They’re gonna punt.

[Wife and Sabine open their clothes and slowly touches each other’s skin with Totinos.]

Wife: [In French] My husband has his Totinos. And you are my Totino.

Beck: Babe, what’s taking so long with those Totinos? You girls making out back there?

[The guys laugh]

Bobby: You’re crazy.

[Wife and Sabine are actually making out]

Female voice: Totino. This spring, find your Totino.

Beck: Babe? Babe?

La La Land Interrogation

Damarco… Cecily Strong

Santagelli… Beck Bennett

Mr. Shah… Aziz Ansari

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Damarco and Santagelli getting inside the interrogating room. Mr. Shah is a suspect.]

Damarco: Well, well, well. Look who it is.

Santagelli: You smell that, Damarco?

Damarco: Yeah! It’s a big fat piece of dog crap.

Mr. Shah: I’m sorry. What? I’ve been in this room for two hours and no one will tell me what I did.

Damarco: Shut up, punk! You know what you did.

Santagelli: I can’t even look at you. You disgust me.

Damarco: Last night, 7 PM. Ring any bells?

Mr. Shah: [shaking head] Yeah. I was on a date with this new girl I’m seeing. Call her. She’ll tell you.

Santagelli: No need. We’ve got the security footage for your little date right here.

Damarco: It’s gonna help put you away for a very long time. Roll it, Santagelli.

[Santagelli plays the tape on the TV] [Cut to Mr. Shah’s date with Aidy]

Aidy: So, what’s been your favorite movie this year? Mine was ‘La La Land’. Hands down.

Mr. Shah: ReallY?

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, it was good, but I thought it kind of dragged in the middle.

[Cut to the interrogation room. Santagelli turns off the TV.]

Damarco: What do you have to say for yourself you sick son of a bitch?

Mr. Shah: What do you mean?

[Damarco walks to Mr. Shah and gets aggressive]

Damarco: ‘La La Land’ is a perfect film!

Mr. Shah: Whoa! Okay! I mean, I liked it. I just thought there were too many montages in the middle.

Damarco: that’s how you show the passage of time you dumb mother–

Santagelli: [interrupting] Damarco! Damarco!

Damarco: Sorry. I just– Ryan Gosling didn’t learn piano from scratch so some little prick could come and nitpick.

Santagelli: Listen, Mr. Shah, we’re on your side. Just help us understand why you said what you said about this gorgeous musical.

Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I mean, I liked it. It was fun. The singing was good. I mean I guess I just didn’t think it was like amazing singing.

Santagelli: [yelling] That’s the f-ing point!

Damarco: They’re just regular people falling in love and singing.

Santagelli: And they weren’t singing to a track. They were really singing on the day.

Damarco: Yeah, yeah. I’d like to see you sing on the day you dumb sack of–

[Damarco throws the chair to one sided see through mirror and breaks it.]

Santagelli: Now, I’m gonna show you a picture and I want you to tell me what you see, alright?

[Santagelli puts a picture on the table]

Mr. Shah: A bloody woman?

Santagelli: Oh, sorry, that’s from our other case. [Santagelli shows a picture of an award] Now, what do you see?

Mr. Shah: That’s a Golden Globe.

Damarco: Yeah. Yeah it is. Now tell me, why would a bad movie win seven of these?

Santagelli: I mean, I’m just wondering, you know, what do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’? Huh? [Santagelli gets aggressive and holds on Mr. Shah’s collar] What do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’?

Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I guess, ‘Moonlight’.

Santagelli: Oh, ‘Moonlight’, so good.

Damarco: Yes, Moonlight’s so important. So good. Yeah.

Santagelli: Yeah, yeah.

Mr. Shah: Did you guys see it?

Santagelli: Oh, you know, no. But I want to. I just can’t get myself to go.

Damarco: Yeah, just coz I know it’s gonna be a whole thing.

Mr. Shah: What do you mean a whole thing?

Santagelli: Hey, don’t try and turn this on us, you sick pervert.

Mr. Shah: Pervert? Listen, I liked the movie. I just didn’t love it! It’s a whole movie about jazz and there’s no black people in it.

Damarco: Oh, oh, oh. Weird. Santagelli, now I didn’t realize John Legend was white.

Santagelli: Yeah, weird, Damarco. Last time I checked, John Legend was black.

Mr. Shah: Come on, guys.

Damarco: Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, and Santagelli, I didn’t realize that the couple on the bridge was also white?

Santagelli: Oh, yeah, Damarco. I could have sworn, they were black. Yeah, he was black, she was black.

Mr. Shah: Okay, wait. I don’t remember a bridge scene. That might have been when I feel asleep.

[Santagelli walks to Mr. Shah and puts him down on the table]

Santagelli: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you what?

Mr. Shah: I fell asleep for just like a sec.

Santagelli: Tell me you saw them dancing in the sky.

Mr. Shah: What?

Santagelli: I wanna hear it. Tell me you say them dancing in the sky.

Mr. Shah: I don’t think so. Was that like a huge plot point?

Santagelli: [yelling] No! It was just lovely, and that’s okay.

Damarco: Not everything has to be plot. God!

Mr. Shah: I just liked ‘Manchester by the sea’.

Damarco: Hey! News flash, you can like them both!

[Vanessa gets in with Kenan on handcuffs]

Aidy: Excuse me officers, I have another one. Mind if I put him in here?

Damarco: Yeah. Go ahead.

[Vanessa walks out]

Kenan: Hey, what’s up, man?

Mr. Shah: You didn’t like ‘La La Land’ either?

Kenan: Na, I didn’t like ‘Westworld’. It’s too slow. I thought the finale could have been the premiere.

Damarco and Santagelli: [yelling] They had to build up to that!

[The End]

Beat the Bookworm

Bookworm… Aziz Ansari

Keaton Seasons… Mikey Day

Cindy… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Female voice: Now back to ‘Beat the Bookworm’, only on Game Show Network.

[Cut to Bookworm in a library]

Bookworm: Can you beat me in the game of wiz?

Male voice: Declared a genius at birth, he spent his life in pursuit of knowledge.

Bookworm: While you were watching TV, I was reading thousands of books. I know all.

Male voice: Can you ‘Beat the Bookworm’?

[Cut to Keaton Seasons and Cindy at the game stage]

Keaton Seasons: Alright, welcome to ‘Beat the Bookworm’. I’m Keaton Seasons and I am joined by Cindy, a–

Cindy: Unemployed.

Keaton Seasons: From Phoenix, who just as we ran out of time yesterday won over $32,000, and a chance to go head to head with the bookworm.

[The wall rotates and there’s Bookworm sitting there.]

Bookworm: Hello, idiots.

Keaton Seasons: Bookworm, any words for Cindy before we play?

Bookworm: Um, yes, I will win.

Keaton Seasons: Ha-ha. Oh-oh, you hear that Cindy?

Cindy: I’m not scared. I’m gonna beat that damn bookworm.

Keaton Seasons: Don’t say ‘damn’, please. Now, let’s play. You know how it works, Cindy. You and the bookworm will answer a series of questions from a category of your choice. If you score higher than the bookworm, you’ll leave here with $1 million. But if you don’t–

Bookworm: You’ll leave here with what you are, nothing.

Keaton Seasons: Cindy, will the bookworm be answering questions about Shakespeare’s Comedies?

Bookworm: Oh, the Bard of Avon. I am partially Parkish as I may be, the bookworm does love that category.

Keaton Seasons: The space Race.

Bookworm: Um, who would be the first to touch the cosmos? The Starjen Shives or the Hamaran Sikil? Pick this category and USSR going to lose.

Keaton Seasons: ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo!

Keaton Seasons: Alright, Cindy, which category do you think will beat the bookworm.

Cindy: Um, I’m leaning towards ’90s Pop Culture because of that long “Noooo!” Then again, I did study Shakespeare in college.

Bookworm: Um, so? Shakespeare it is.

Cindy: But then again, I am a ’90s kid, so let’s go with ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo! I don’t know any of that stuff. I spent the ’90s reading books.

Keaton Seasons: Let’s play. Beat the Bookworm. [Bookworm looks nervous] Bookworm, your time begins now. Name the Super Bother’s Mario and–

Bookworm: Kevin?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: MC Hammer was too legit to–

Bookworm: Drive?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Terminator 2 lined all be–

Bookworm: Back in the Jeff?

[wrong answer buzzer]

None of this was in my books.

Keaton Seasons: Finish the TLC lyric, don’t go chasing–

Bookworm: Dogs.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Forest Gump said, “Life is like a box of–”

Bookworm: Condoms?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! I’m gonna lose.

Keaton Seasons: Michael Jackson was king of–

Bookworm: The Jews.

Keaton Seasons: No, that was Jesus Christ. Last question, name the science guy–

Bookworm: Ah, yes! I know them all.

Keaton Seasons: –who hosted a kid’s TV show.

Bookworm: Who is that? He is not a real scientist!

[Time up buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Out of time! Wow! Cindy, a lucky break in the form of an absolute cratering on behalf of the bookworm. How do you feel?

Cindy: Damn good.

Keaton Seasons: You said ‘damn’ again. Coming up, Cindy goes for the million and bookworm, since you scored zero, you gotta wear the dum-dum hat.

Bookworm: Not the dum-dum hat! Please!

[Keaton Seasons puts a cone hat with ‘Dum-Dum’ written on Bookworm]

Keaton Seasons: We’ll be right back.