Weekend Update- Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy on Passover 3

Michael che

Jacob… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael che in his set]

Michael che: Tonight marks the sixth night of the Jewish holiday, Passover. Here to talk about the holiday is my podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: My dad wanted me to give you this insults and also to remind to you to wear flip flops this summer around the pool.

Michael che: Well, thank you so much, Jacob. You’ve been fun on Passover? Is that fun for you?

[Jacob silently opens his notes and reads from it]

Jacob: [clearing throat] During Passover, [cut to Jacob] we eat several foods that are symbolic of Passover story. We eat matso because it reminds us that the Jews didn’t have time for the bread to rise when escaping Egypt. It actually tastes okay, but it’s no Papa John’s pizza.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: [laughing] Hey, that’s pretty good. Hey, Jacob, you don’t have to make a speech like at your bar mitzvah. We can just hang out and talk as friends.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes] [Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The other symbolic foods include the shank bone and also haroset which represents the mortar used by the Hebrew slaves to make bricks. Like the bricks I scraped my chin on when my daddy was teaching me to play bridge and my chair collapsed. But seriously, I want to thank my older brother Ethan for helping me get ointment my scrape even though he once changed the password on my iPad and charged my $20 to get back into it.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. That sounds like something my brother would do. Like this one time–

Jacob: [interrupting by reading] The bitter herbs remind us [cut to Jacob] of the bitter lives the Jews lived before they escaped. Usually, the bitter herb at our table is Romaine lettuce, but it’s no Papa John’s pizza.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. You are really giving free press to Papa John’s pizza. Is that your favorite pizza place? Papa John’s?

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: The roasted egg on the seder plate [Cut to Jacob] is symbolic of renewal and rejuvenation, which is also what my mom always says my aunt Madeline is doing to her face.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. That’s a solid burn, Jacob. [giving fist for Jacob to hit] Come on, hit it.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: Finally…

Michael che: Alright, I’ll just– [puts his hand back]

Jacob: The the karpas, [cut to Jacob] a green vegetable is dipped in salt water to represent the tears of the Jews which is sad and I’m sad when I think about how I will be going away to camp in the Poconos and leaving my friends behind. But even Derek Jeter had to leave the Yankees one day. [Jacob wipes his tears quickly] [Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Aw, are you crying? Don’t cry. You’ll have fun at camp.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: In conclusion, [Cut to Jacob] I want to thank my cousins Zack, Merica and John for coming in from Scottsdale because they got a free flight from complaining, my best friend Seth, who everyone thinks is Jewish, my uncle Simon even though my dad says he is so blinded by his devotion to Israel that he ignores all reasons. And I want to dedicate this to my Buby who makes the best masso ball soup. But it’s no–

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ah, here it comes.

Jacob: Papa John’s pizza!

Michael che: There it is. Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob, everybody!

Turtle Shirt

Jimmy Fallon

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Sasha… Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Jimmy  joking around with his office colleagues]

Jimmy : I’m serious. I went to this lunch thing at his house. And it was like sears all the way. [everyone laughing] Also, have you ever noticed how low the hairline is. [Kyle walks in behind Jimmy ] I think it’s where his eyebrows start. [everyone laughing]

Kyle: Patrick! Can I walk with you in my office?

[Jimmy  turns around looking scared]

Female voice: You’ve been caught talking about your boss again? If you could only hide somewhere. Now, you can. Inside your shirt.

[music playing] [Jimmy  pulls his head inside his shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

The turtle shirt, by Swag.

Turtle shirts are made from plastrals and keratinous scutes. The same materials from which a turtle’s shell is made. Our shirts offer an mazing and comfortable place to wait out any unwanted and embarrassing situations.

[Cut to a party]

Pete: Great party.

Bobby: Thanks Jeff.

Sasha: Uh, here you go.

Pete: Hey, have you met my wife?

Pete: You know, I haven’t. Can I just say, your hair is so pretty that it actually kind of looks fake.

[Bobby and Sasha looks at each other]

Bobby: Sasha works with orangutans and one of them took her scalp off.

Sasha: It capped me. That’s the primary term for it.

Bobby: The top of her head is completely fake.

[Pete is embarrassed. Pete pulls his head and hands inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: It’s like having a personal panic room on your back.

[Cut to Beck walking to his friends]

Beck: Hey, who wants to see a picture of my new baby?

Sasheer: Oh, yeah. I’d love to. [Beck shows Sasheer a picture] This is a penis.

Beck: What is?

Sasheer: This picture is a penis.

Beck: Oh, my god! No. That’s not my baby.

Sasheer: Was that your penis?

Beck: Yeah, right. I doubt it.

[Sasheer is staring at Beck] [Beck is embarrassed. Beck pulls his head, hands and legs inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: Turtle shirt, by Swag. Available only at Lord and Taylor.

Male voice: Warning: Lying on your back while inside the turtle shirt may result to death.

Middle School Musical

Aidy Bryant

Hailey… Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three girls at the dressing room of the musical show]

Aidy: It is so cool that Mrs. Harrity is letting us to Legally Blonde, the musical.

Hailey: Specially since we’re the first middle school in all of Kansas to perform it.

Kate: For most people in the audience, this is going to be the first time that they see this show.

Aidy: Which means, they’re gonna remember this show for the rest of their lives.

[Cut to the Musical Show. Aidy and Hailey are doing very bad mumbling gibberish.] [Cut back to the dressing room]

Hailey: It sucks that Stephanie can’t still be in this play.

Kate: She missed two rehearsals.

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, it’d be too hard to catch up on all that choreography.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are just running around and singing bad.] [Cut back to the dressing room]

Kate: Can’t wait for my big solo number. Must me alone in the spotlight.

[Cut to Kate singing her solo on the stage. But the spotlight is not on her. She is at the dark spot.] [Cut back to the dressing room. Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Hey, Hailey, I can’ wait for our song. Your vocal is just amazing.

Hailey: I think it’s just combination of our voices is what works. They literally become one.

Aidy: You guys honestly seem like a real couple.

Hailey: What?

[Cut to Hailey and Kyle on the stage. They’re singing very bad.] [Cut back to the dressing room]

Aidy: Can middle school productions win Tony’s.

Kate: No.

Aidy: That’s not fair.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are singing bad. Aidy falls off the stage.] [Cut back to the dressing room]

Hailey: Our finale is so good.

Aidy: I know they don’t use wires in the broadway version, but I think it can give our production a wow factor.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are singing bad. The choreography is very bad.]

Aidy: I think I’m getting my period.

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Aidy, Hailey and Kate: No mistakes!

[Cut to the stage where they are bowling after the show.]

Kate: How do you think it went?

Aidy: Perfect! [her nose is bleeding] [cheers and applause]

The Lawyer

Vanessa Bayer

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Douglas… Louis C.K.

Bailiff… Leslie Jones

Georgy Sharpe… Pete Davidson

Mr. Bird… Alex Moffat

Jury… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Vanessa making her statement in the court]

Vanessa: So there you have it. My client was five miles away from that bar playing poker with his friend, Mr. Bird, the night of murder. Yeah. That’s it. I rest my case.

Judge: Alright, Jurors. You’ve heard opening statements from both the defense and the prosecution. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness.

[Mr. Douglas stands]

Mr. Douglas: The prosecution calls Gregory Sharpe to the stand.

Judge: Hold on. Excuse me, Mr. Douglas. Has anyone ever told you that– well, frankly, you have the most beautiful eyelashes. [Mr. Douglas has long eyelashes]

Mr. Douglas: Thank you, your honor.

Judge: I mean, this can’t be the first time you’re hearing this, right?

Mr. Douglas: [laughing] It’s not, your honor.

Judge: Wow. What a pickle to be you, huh? Walking around town, bringing spring wherever you go.

Vanessa: Your honor, can we call the witness please?

Judge: Of course. Bailiff.

[Bailiff walks to Georgy Sharpe with a bible]

Bailiff:

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. I’ll tell the truth.

[Mr. Douglas walks forward]

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe, where were you on the night of the 7th?

Georgy Sharpe: Well, like I told the cops, it was poker night. And I was playing poker with my buddies.

Mr. Douglas: Including Mr. Bird?

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. He was there.

Mr. Douglas: So, you’re going to look me in the eye, these eyes, [pointing at his eyes with long eyelashes and smiling] and tell me he was with you that night? All night?

[Georgy Sharpe gets nervous]

Georgy Sharpe: Um, it was the poker.

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe. Was it then?

Georgy Sharpe: [smiling] What do you want me to say?

Mr. Douglas: [smiling at Georgy Sharpe] I want you to look at me.

Georgy Sharpe: Come on, man.

Mr. Douglas: And tell me the truth. Boop! [pokes Georgy Sharpe’s nose]

Georgy Sharpe: He wasn’t with me. And he’s always talking about killing people.

Mr. Bird: Come on! Man!

Mr. Douglas: No further questions.

Vanessa: Okay. Objection. What is this with the eyelashes? I’m appalled by the prosecution here.

Judge: Appalled or jealous?

Vanessa: Appalled. This is not fair.

Judge: Fine. The jury will do their best not to be influenced by the prosecution’s gorgeous, inviting lashes. And they will also disregard the fact that the defense’s lashes are clumpy and unremarkable.

Vanessa: Fine. Thank you. [Vanessa walks forward] Mr. Sharpe, when you were initially questioned by police, you stated that Mr. Bird joined you for poker night at your apartment. [A jury is looking at Mr. Douglas all mexmerized] In fact, he came to your place early to help you get up. You even had leftover beers you brought that night. Now, I’m sorry but–

Jury: [yelling looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] My god!

Vanessa: Okay. Now, he is directly influencing the jury.

Mr. Douglas: That’s ridiculous, your honor. Permission to approach the bench?

Judge: Oh, I would like the very, very much.

[Vanessa and Mr. Douglas walk forward]

Oh, both of you.

Vanessa: I can get you disbarred for this, manipulating a jury. [Mr. Douglas is blinking his eyes and looking at Vanessa] I’ve never seen someone so blatantly disregard– [Mr. Douglas is influencing Vanessa too] So blatantly disregard protocol in such a– Oh, my! [The air is blowing on Vanessa’s hair] There’s something about you. [Mr. Bird stands quietly and flees while everyone is looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] Maybe it’s your unorthodox methods. Maybe it’s the way you carry yourself or–

[Mr. Douglas looks at the camera and the video pauses]

Female voice: Maybelline, New York.

Tenement Museum

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Michael… Louis C.K.

Ava… Kate McKinnon

1913Thompson

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Guide guiding a  group in museum]

Guide: Okay, squeeze on in here, guys. Our next top on the Tenement Museum tour is this apartment which appears exactly as it would have in nineteenthirteen.

Teacher: Okay, pay attention, guys. Some of this is going to be on the quiz.

Guide: Alright, this was the home of the Linzowsky’s, a working class family from Poland. And to help us understand what it was like for them in the strange new land of America, a group of historically trained actors will be joining us to being the Linzwsky’s back to life. In fact, I think I hear them now.

[Two actors walk in]

Michael: Oh, my darling, Ava. For 16 hours today, I break my hands in factory. I can afford to bring a cabbage home for soup. We should have stayed in Poland.

Ava: Michael, our bellies will have to be filled with love. Food will be a luxury for the next generation.

Teacher: Aw, they came here for their children.

Michael: I wish I could bring home more money, Ava. [cheers and applause] But there are no good jobs. They have all been taken by the filthy greasy Italians.

[1913is making angry face.]

Ava: Michael. Shame on you. It is not their fault that they are greasy meatball eating crotch cravers.

Teacher: You know. I’m not sure this is okay for my students to hear.

Guide: Oh, no. I assure you. This conversation is 100% historically accurate.

Ava: Michael, I don’t like to see you upset over the Italians, who everyone knows are not even real white people. Please, relax. [Michael sits on a chair and Ava puts two plates before them] Sit. Eat.

Guide: Now look at the bowls Mrs. Lindowsky is using. Something like that would be treasured family heirloom.

Kenan: Um, cool. Um, what’s up with the Italian stuff?

Guide: Hey, bud, let’s wait until the end of the scene for questions.

Michael: Ama, let me ask you a question. Do you know how to brain wash an Italian?

Ava: How, Michael?

Michael: You give him an enema.

Ava: Um. That makes sense. And Michael, do you know why Italy is shaped like a boot?

Michael: Why, my love?

Ava: Do you think they can fit that much crap into a shoe?

Michael: That is very true, really.

Teacher: Um, are they just telling Italian jokes?

Guide: No.

Kenan: Yes.

Michael: But I must go now or I will be late for my night shift at the factory.

[Michael and Ava hug each other]

Ava: You work so hard, Michael.

Michael: Yes. I work hard in factory so that some day our children will be the boss of factory. And then, we will hire half wit, goon, rat faced Italians and work them to death at the machines. This is my dream.

[Ava is crying]

Guide: [clapping] Amazing. Let’s hear it for the Lindowsky’s.

[Students are clapping]

Kenan: Feels kind of weird clapping for that but alright.

Guide: Now, magically the Lindowsky’s can hear you all the way back in nineteenthirteen. So, would anyone like  to ask them a question?

Kyle: Hi. Um, when you say grease ball, is it because the food is greasy or they are?

Teacher: Okay, please don’t answer that.

Guide: Anyone else?

Kenan: I have a question.

Michael: Yes, chocolate face.

Kenan: And you just answered it.

Guide: Actually, I have a question for Mrs. Lindowsky. That contraption there, I don’t know what it is. Could you tell me about it?

Ava: Yes. This is to dry clothes. You put the wet fabric here and you turn and leave it like this. One bedsheet, three hours.

Guide: Wow! Lot harder than just tossing your clothes in the drier, huh?

Michael: But it will not always be this way for my wife. I work hard to save money. And god willing, I will hire chocolate lady to do this for me.

Kenan: [angrily] Nope!

Teacher: Yeah. We’re leaving. Let’s go.

Soda Shop

Connie… Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Louise… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Sam… Louis C.K.

Johnny… Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with girls walking into a soda shop]

Connie: Gee, gang, that math test was the bees knees.

Vanessa: Honey, you’re such a nerd. Isn’t Connie a nerd, Louise? Louise?

Louise: Oh, sorry. I wasn’t listening. I was moping.

Aidy: Louise, are you still upset about not getting asked to dance.

Vanessa: We know what will make you feel better.

Aidy: Hey, Sam, how about a root beer float? We got someone down in the dumps.

Sam: Sure thing, girls. But speaking of ice cream, what’s the scoop? Who is the pouty penny?

Louise: It’s me. I’m the only girl who didn’t get asked to the spring fling bepop and sock hop.

Sam: Well, sounds to me like those boys are making a whooper of a mistake. I’m gonna give you an extra scoop of vanilla on the house.

Louise: Aw, thanks Sam. I wish all the boys to be more like you.

Girls: Sam’s the best.

Sam: Well, heck, if I were 20 years younger, I would ask you myself. I mean it. And geez, I’d even ask you right now, the age I am right now.

Louise: Ha-ha, Sam. Very funny.

Connie: Sam tells the best jokes.

Sam: Ha-ha-ha. So, what do you say?

Louise: To what, Sam?

Sam: The dance. Are we doing it or what?

Louise: The spring fling, Sam?

Aidy: Ha-ha. That’s for teenagers, Sam.

Sam: Well, then wouldn’t it wow the crowd to show up with an older man on your arm?

Vanessa: I would go with Sam if he asked me.

Sam: Well, I didn’t ask you, stupid. I asked Louise.

Louise: Sam, you’re being awfully nice, but I wanted to go to the dance in a normal way, like with a boy my age instead of an older married man.

Sam: [laughing] Married? Please. The next time I kiss my wife will be at her funeral.

Louise: Neato, Sam.

Sam: Hey, you know what would be fun if we did a test run?

Louise: Of what?

Sam: Our date.

Louise: We’re still talking about that?

Sam: Well, sure. Let’s pretend that this booth over here is a car. [Sam pulls Louise and puts her in a booth with him.] Just for pretend.

Louise: You sure are cookie, Sam.

Vanessa: Hey, this is fun. Can we be a part of the scene?

Sam: No, so shut up.

[Sam is pretending like he’s driving]

Louise: Sam, this is nice and all. But…

Sam: Wait. Get down, Louise. [pretending like he’s shooting people outside the car] Bang, bang. Did you see that?

Louise: What?

Sam: I killed two people.

Louise: Why? Why did you do that?

Sam: Well, I didn’t like they way they were talking about you. They were saying stuff like, “Louise thinks she is better than all of us now that she has fallen in love with a married man and I hear they are running way to get married some place where the rules are different.”

Louise: Okay. Thank you, Sam, but I would like to get out of the car now.

Sam: You can’t. We are in a tunnel.

Aidy: Where is there a tunnel on the way to school?

Connie: I don’t think he’s taking her to school.

[Johnny walks in]

Johnny: Louise, I have been looking all over for you.

Louise: For me? Why, Johnny?

Johnny: Well, coz I’ve been trying to do this. Louie Marie Conolioly, will you be my date for the spring fling?

Louise: Oh, Johnny, of course I will

[Sam stands]

Sam: So, um, what does that mean for me?

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Connie? I made dinner and you are here at the pervert’s soda shop?

Vanessa: Um, Louie made us come. She always makes us come here because she knows Sam is going to make inappropriate sexual advances towards her.

Louise: It’s a game I like. I like knowing that I could get Sam in big trouble for the things he says, but he does it anyway. Makes me feel powerful. I know it sounds silly, but I do want to be a dominatrix when I grow up so it’s not as hair brained as it sounds. Anyway, [holds Johnny’s hands] see you, Sam.

[Everyone walks out]

Sam: OH, well, I guess it’s just you dancing alone again tonight, Sam.

[Sam hits the glass in Jukebox and cuts his hand]

Oh, I cut the heck out of my hand.

Shanice Goodwin Ninja-Rivals

Shanice Goodwin… Leslie Jones

Vanessa Bayer

Dominica… Scarlett Johansson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a picture of a little girl]

Shanice narrating: First they said, “You’re too small.” [Picture changes to grown up Shanice Goodwin] Then they said, “You’re too big.” They said, “You will namer make it.” But I didn’t listen to them because I knew one day I would become a ninja.

[Cut to video clips of Shanice dressed as ninja playing with her sword, ‘Shanice Goodwin Ninja’ intro]

Male voice: The adventures of Shanice Goodwin, Ninja.

Shanice: I’m also a cashier at KOHL’s.

[Cut to Vanessa and Shanice in the ninja training center. Shanice is wearing black ninja costume.]

Vanessa: Shanice, sensei has been kidnapped. This is your most dangerous mission yet. I brought in someone I think will remember.

[Dominica walks in wearing white ninja costume]

Dominica: Shanice, well, well, we meet again.

Shanice: Dominica. I thought I had banished you from Charlotte and the greater area of Charlotte.

Dominica: You did. But he was my sensei too. He hand-picked me from the orphanage when I was five years old.

Shanice: And I’ve been a ninja since I was 45. Alright then, let’s put aside our differences and do this.

Vanessa: Great! Their hideout is rumored to be a theater prop storage facility on the west wide of town. Good luck, you two.

[Shanice and Dominica leave] [Cut to British mob hideout. There are the mobs who have tied Sensei.]

Beck: So? Your people will send the money?

Sensei: I told you, I do not yield to threats. I know some very dangerous people. Let me go now and no harm will come to you.

Beck: No harm will come to us? He said to us! [laughing] [Shanice and Dominica are inside the hideout]

Dominica: Shh, follow me. We are shadows.

[Shanice nods her head and follows Dominica]

Sensei: Oh, yes. I sense a presence.

Beck: You’re bluffing. There’s no one here. Look!

[Shanice and Dominica are hiding behind them. Shanice is even eating some chips.

How can anyone be in this room? No one can get in.

Kenan: Oh, yes. At least ten armed guards are stationed at every entrance.

[Dominica throws a shuriken on Kenan’s eye] [screaming] Ah!

Mikey: No! What happened?

[Shanice slowly goes to Mikey and cuts off his hand]

Shanice: Damn, that’s nasty.

Beck: Someone is here.

Sensei: I tried to warn you. But now it’s too late. My student Dominica is a professional assassin. To her, killing is like breathing. And my student Shanice has trained at my YMCA every other week for last three years.

Beck: Find them. Now.

Kyle and Mikey: Yes, sir!

[Kyle and Mikey are looking around. Shanice and Dominica and just behind them.]

Mikey: There’s no one here, sir.

[Dominica pulls Mikey and rips his heart out]

Kyle: Who did that? Show yourself!

[Shanice comes behind Kyle and breaks his neck]

Beck: Is this how you fight? Huh? You hide? Like cowards? Let me see your eyes.

[Dominica comes behind Beck]

Dominica: With pleasure. My eyes will be the last thin you see.

Shanice: And my ears will be the last thing you– you hear.. Damn!

Dominica: You don’t need to talk every time.

Beck: Guards! Attack!

[Beck runs]

Shanice: Quick, the chair.

[The guards come in running. Dominica sits on a chair and Shanice pushes the chair. Dominica hits everyone who comes in front of her.] [Beck runs in with a knife to fight Dominica]

Dominica: A man should use his fists so that he dies with respect.

[gun shot. Beck is shot.]

Shanice: Oh, my bad. was we supposed to only do ninja stuff? Oh, okay. That’s on me.

[Dominica opens ropes tying Sensei]

Dominica: Are you alright, Sensei?

Sensei: Thank you both. You are my top students.

Shanice: Yeah, but I’m the best, right?

Dominica: No, we all know who si the best.

Sensei: I guess there is only one way to settle this.

Shanice: Ha-ha-ha. You think so? Put em’ up.

Dominica: Alright, you like a challenge. Yes?

Shanice: Hah! Dominica, you was always that bitch. Let’s go.

[as Shanice and Dominica fight, the video pauses and ends.]

Sticky Bun

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kelsey… Vanessa Bayer

Scott… Mikey Day

Jackie… Octavia Spencer

Kat… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Cecily briefing the trainees]

Cecily: Hey guys, it’s the last phase of your training. After this, you’ll be able to start working shifts at Sticky Bun. Holla! So, today we’ll be doing mock customer transactions, to get a feel for a typical shift.

Beck: This is Kelsey, the actress who will be playing our customer. Anything we might have seen you in, Kelsey?

Kelsey: Um, let me think? No.

Cecily: Cool. Alright. Um, Scott, how about you take the register? Jackie on prep and Kat on pickup counter.

Beck: Alright! just use the stuff we went over in the handbook. Okay? You’re going to be fine. You ready, Scott?

Scott: Hell, yeah!

Beck: Ah! That’s what I like to hear, bud. Go for it.

Kelsey: [acting like a customer] Hi, there.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Will you eat?

Kelsey: What?

Beck: Hey, Scott, don’t start like that. Remember, greet the customer and try to make a personal connection. Ask them how their day is going? How they’re doing. Something that shows you care.

Scott: Right! Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Are your both parents still alive?

Kelsey: I’m sorry?

Beck: Try a different question, Scott.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. How old were you when you first lost your virginity?

Beck: Hey, Scott, forget the question, bud. Say something nice and take her order.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Merry Christmas. Will you eat?

Beck: Alright. You know what Scott? Why don’t you take a breather. Let’s switch it up. Jackie, you want to give register a shot?

Jackie: Yes sir, I do. I know that manual front to back and I’ve been practicing in my mirror all week.

Cecily: Hey! Now that’s a Sticky Bun attitude. Go for it.

Kelsey: [acting like a customer] Hi, there.

Jackie: Go away, we’re closed.

Kat: [speaking in mic] Attention Sticky Bun customers, we are closing early for the Christmas Holiday.

Cecily: No. Guys, guys, it’s not Christmas. And Jackie, we are not closed.

Jackie: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I panicked.  It’s different when talking to a real person and not myself in the mirror.

Cecily: Well, that’s why we do this. Alright, just start again, please.

Jackie: Ley, lady, what will you eat?

Kelsey: Um, what do you recommend on the menu?

Jackie: I don’t eat here. This food is trash.

Cecily: Oh, Jackie! You know what? Don’t tell customers our foo is trash. Just remember, personal connection. Alright? Ask her a question.

Jackie: Right. Right. Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Do you like being white?

Kelsey: I’m– I’m sorry, should I answer that?

Cecily: Nope. Please don’t actually. Why is this friendly question throwing everyone off? Just ask her how her day is going.

Jackie: Well, I know the answer. Not good. She’s alone in a Sticky Bun on Christmas.

Beck: You know what? How about we give Kat a shot at the register? And things to remember, we’re open, the food isn’t trash, and it’s not Christmas.

Kat: Welcome to Sticky Bun. What will you eat?

Kelsey: Um, can I– Can I have a classic sticky bun and a milk?

Jackie: Sticky bun and a cold cow piss, coming up.

Kat: Okay, name for the order?

Kelsey: Kelsey.

Kat: Oh, wow. I had a teacher Ms. Kelsey.

Beck: Nice, Kat.

Kat: Yeah, sophomore year, the janitor found her dead in her car. That will be $5.15, please.

Jackie: [speaking in mic] One Sticky Bun and a cold cow piss for Kelsey.

[Kelsey takes her order]

Kelsey: Thank you.

Scott: You’re welcome. I love you.

Beck: Alright. Let’s cut it there. We did it. And Kelsey, nice perk here, you can eat that Sticky Bun if you want.

Kelsey: No, thank you.

Cecily: Alright. So, lots to unpack here. Scott, don’t tell customers you love them.

Scott: Okay, um, do you have a pen and paper?

Beck: Um, you shouldn’t have to write that down. Jackie, please don’t refer to the milk as cow piss.

Jackie: Sorry, that’s what we call it in my house.

Cecily: And Kat. Don’t tell customers stories about dead people.

Kat: I’ll try.

Cecily: Nope, that’s required. Okay? Oh, guys, and let’s do, “Can I take your order”, instead of “Will you eat?”

Jackie: So, we have to know, are we Sticky Bun material?

Beck: Well, normally, we recommend another week of training, at least. But this is an airport. So grab a timecard and get to work!

Spencers Gifts HQ

Nathan… Mikey Day

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Naomi… Aidy Bryant

Octavia Spencer

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with colleagues in a meeting]

Nathan: I’m just saying, if we have one more bad quarter, it will be the end of Spencer’s Gifts.

Jennifer: Yeah. And whose fault is it, Nathan?  You haven’t made a good new product in months.

Tom: Look who’s talking.

Naomi: Um, okay, why is everyone fighting? Spencer’s is supposed to be about making people laugh.

Nathan: Oh, shut up, newbie.

Jennifer: Yeah, just shut it.

Tom: Yeah, shut it.

Octavia: Enough! That’s enough.

Naomi: I’m so, so sorry, Miss Spencer.

Octavia: I am not happy. Spencer’s Gifts, the company my father founded is in the toilet. Now, who is going to look me, Octavia Spencer, in the eye, and take responsibility for that?

Tom: Well, I just think if we had some more innovative products then–

Octavia: Oh, is that what you think? Great! Now, I’m going to go around this table and I want the best ideas you got. Jennifer, go.

Jennifer: Okay. hillbilly dentures? It’s bad teeth, like a hillbilly? [Jennifer puts on the fake teeth] Yeah/

Octavia: Get out! [Jennifer walks out] Is it sinking in now people? This is really happening. This is D-Day. Nathan, go.

Nathan: Uh! Gangnam style bobbleheads? [showing a toy bubble head]

Octavia: Say it again?

Nathan: Like, Oppa Gangnam Style, hey! Like, Psy?

Octavia: Well then, Psy-yonara! You’re dead to me.

Nathan: Ma’am…

Octavia: Take that bush league crap to Ricky’s. [Nathan leaves] Argh! And then there were two. Let’s see. Naomi.

Naomi: Okay. Um, fake poop keychain.

Octavia: And that’s funny why?

Naomi: Because it looks like poop.

Octavia: You wanna see what poop looks that? [showing Naomi’s photograph] That’s what a poop looks like.

Naomi: Okay. Where did you get that picture?

Octavia: I don’t answers questions from ghosts. Buh-bye! [Naomi leaves] Argh! Tom!

Tom: Yes, Ms. Spencer.

Octavia: One shot. Eight mile, baby.

Tom: Um, [showing a wall clock that has beers instead of numbers] It’s beer o’clock. “Hey, what time is it? It’s beer o’clock.”

Octavia: I love that.

Tom: Well, thank you, Ms. Spencer.

Octavia: That’s so funny. Lauth with me.

Tom and Octavia: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Octavia: You report directly to me now.

Tom: Yes, Ms. Spencer.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Octavia, your helicopter is here. Are you ready for your vacation?

Octavia: Oh, I’m ready. Come on, Tom.

[Tom follows Octavia]

Tom: Okay.

Drug Company Hearing

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Alex Moffat

Mrs. William... Octavia Spencer

Seasonique… Sasheer Zamata

Lunestra… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Beck briefing about the hearing] Beck: Alright, thank you all for agreeing to this hearing. Both of you understand that the decisions made today are legally binding?

Vanessa and Alex: Yes.

Beck: Okay. Mrs. Williams, you are filing a claim against your former employer, Merck Pharmaceuticals where you worked for the past 22 years.

Mrs. William: Yes, sir. I’m suing for intellectual property theft because they’ve stolen many of my ideas. And I am asking for $20 millions in damages.

Vanessa: That’s ridiculous. MR.s Williams worked in accounting. No one there is responsible for ideas.

Mrs. William: Sir, let me give you an example. IN December, 2004, this company created a drug called Seasonique. Well, back in 1997, I had a child. Please say hello to Seasonique. [Seasonique walks in]

Seasonique: Hello.

Beck: Oh, your name is Seasonique?

Seasonique: Yes, sir. My name is Seasonique Boniva Williams.

Mrs. William: That’s right. Seasonique was born on the one special day between spring and summer. She was seasonique. And that’s not the only example. This company has named dozens of their drugs after members of my family.

Beck: Mrs. Williams, I–

Mrs. William: Please call me Lyrica. That’s my name, but it’s also an anti-epilepsy drug.

Beck: That’s certainly interesting.

Alex: Please! We have a whole team that names our products according to years of research. This is clearly a coincidence.

Mrs. William: Oh, really? Let’s look at some other examples, shall we? Celexa.

Seasonique: That’s my cousin.

Mrs. William: Femara.

Seasonique: My other cousin.

Mrs. William: Eliquis. She lives down the way.

Seasonique: Over there.

Mrs. William: Cymbalta.

Seasonique: She’s trouble, but she’s fun.

Mrs. William: Um-hmm. Allegra. Now she does my hair, now she don’t have a shop, so I go to her house where she has a little baby name little Nicorette. So, you see sir, these people aren’t coming up with new drug names. They’re just flipping through the contacts of my phone.

Beck: Well, there does appear to be evidence here.

Vanessa: Sir, this is just payback. Mrs. Williams was recently laid off from Merck and she’s looking for retribution.

Mrs. William: You think so? Well, let me bring in one of my co-workers who’s still an employee there today. Come on, in.

Beck: And you are?

Lunestra: Lunestra. Lunestra Crestor Harrison. And I worked at Merk for 11 years. Back in 2009, I fell asleep on my computer keyboard, and two weeks later this company came out with a sleep aid called Lunestra. This company has taken the names of so many people in our neighborhood including my sister Propecia.

Seasonique: Or my nephew, Dayquil.

Beck: Huh! Well, I have to say that seems more than circumstantial.

Vanessa: Perhaps. But even if it was, there’s just no proof that having the same names as the drugs has caused the women any harm.

Seasonique: Really? You think it is nice to be associated with high cholesterol and erectile dysfunction?

Alex: Oh, that’s terrible. Sorry!

Lunestra: See? He knows this is the biggest corporate injustice since my aunt, Activia, worked at this yogurt company.

Mrs. William: It’s a travesty. [putting her hand over her chest] Oh, oh, I am sorry sir. I’m having a little episode. I need my Humira.

Beck: Oh, that’s fine. Can we get you a glass of water?

Mrs. William: No, Humira is my emotional support dog. She always calms m down.

Seasonique: You even stole her dog.

Alex: Come on!

Beck: Okay, alright. I have to say the evidence is overwhelming. It is my ruling that Mrs. William’s claim has merit. I am awarding her the full amount in damages. Thank you all.

Mrs. William: [cheering] So we get the money? I can finally put Tylenol through college.

Lunestra: I can’t believe they stole that from you too.