Jacob… Vanessa Bayer[Starts with Michael che in his set]
Michael che: Tonight marks the sixth night of the Jewish holiday, Passover. Here to talk about the holiday is my podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.[Jacob slides in]
Jacob: My dad wanted me to give you this insults and also to remind to you to wear flip flops this summer around the pool.
Michael che: Well, thank you so much, Jacob. You’ve been fun on Passover? Is that fun for you?[Jacob silently opens his notes and reads from it]
Jacob: [clearing throat] During Passover, [cut to Jacob] we eat several foods that are symbolic of Passover story. We eat matso because it reminds us that the Jews didn’t have time for the bread to rise when escaping Egypt. It actually tastes okay, but it’s no Papa John’s pizza.[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]
Michael che: [laughing] Hey, that’s pretty good. Hey, Jacob, you don’t have to make a speech like at your bar mitzvah. We can just hang out and talk as friends.[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes] [Cut to Jacob]
Jacob: The other symbolic foods include the shank bone and also haroset which represents the mortar used by the Hebrew slaves to make bricks. Like the bricks I scraped my chin on when my daddy was teaching me to play bridge and my chair collapsed. But seriously, I want to thank my older brother Ethan for helping me get ointment my scrape even though he once changed the password on my iPad and charged my $20 to get back into it.[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]
Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. That sounds like something my brother would do. Like this one time–
Jacob: [interrupting by reading] The bitter herbs remind us [cut to Jacob] of the bitter lives the Jews lived before they escaped. Usually, the bitter herb at our table is Romaine lettuce, but it’s no Papa John’s pizza.[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]
Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. You are really giving free press to Papa John’s pizza. Is that your favorite pizza place? Papa John’s?[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]
Jacob: The roasted egg on the seder plate [Cut to Jacob] is symbolic of renewal and rejuvenation, which is also what my mom always says my aunt Madeline is doing to her face.[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]
Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. That’s a solid burn, Jacob. [giving fist for Jacob to hit] Come on, hit it.[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]
Michael che: Alright, I’ll just– [puts his hand back]
Jacob: The the karpas, [cut to Jacob] a green vegetable is dipped in salt water to represent the tears of the Jews which is sad and I’m sad when I think about how I will be going away to camp in the Poconos and leaving my friends behind. But even Derek Jeter had to leave the Yankees one day. [Jacob wipes his tears quickly] [Cut to Michael che and Jacob]
Michael che: Aw, are you crying? Don’t cry. You’ll have fun at camp.[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]
Jacob: In conclusion, [Cut to Jacob] I want to thank my cousins Zack, Merica and John for coming in from Scottsdale because they got a free flight from complaining, my best friend Seth, who everyone thinks is Jewish, my uncle Simon even though my dad says he is so blinded by his devotion to Israel that he ignores all reasons. And I want to dedicate this to my Buby who makes the best masso ball soup. But it’s no–[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]
Michael che: Ah, here it comes.
Jacob: Papa John’s pizza!
Michael che: There it is. Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob, everybody!