Tag: Vanessa Bayer

Theatre Donor

Terry Henry… Vanessa Bayer

Albie Durberry… Mikey Day

Keely… Felicity Jones

Jack… Beck Bennett

Genevieve… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Terry Henry announcing the opening of a theater]

Terry Henry: Good evening. I’m Terra Henry, Artistic Director here at the brand new Albie Durberry Theater.  [applause] This is all possible, thanks to one incredible generous donor who joins us this evening, Mr. Albie Durberry, who turned a 106 years young this month. [applause] I know that leaving your house is quite an ordeal, sir. And we are so grateful for the effort both you and your nurse Keely put in to join us.

[Albie Durberry tries to stand. Keely holds and helps him]

Keely: He wanted to say something.

Albie Durberry: For the amount of money I spent, this play better be good.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Terry Henry: And now, the world premier of “The Rainstorm.”

[The lights dim and the play starts. There’s a coat hanger. Jack and Genevieve walk in.]

Jack: The train was a zoo. I almost didn’t get a seat.

Genevieve: Ah!

Jack: And how was your day?

Genevieve: Quiet.

Albie Durberry: Keely! What’s this play about?

Keely: Shh, we’ll find out.

Jack: Oh, wonderful. Another evening of Genevieve in a melancholy haze. What is it now, darling?

Genevieve: Just leave me along, Jack.

Albie Durberry: Keely! I can’t hear them.

Jack: All you ever do is cry anymore.

Albie Durberry: What?

Jack: Why couldn’t you be a happy drunk?

Albie Durberry: Who?

Keely: Shh.

Genevieve: What is that supposed to mean?

Jack: I’m– I’m sorry.

[beep beep]

Keely: It’s time for you yogurt.

Albie Durberry: Now? I hate that horrid paste.

Genevieve: Don’t be. You’re angry. I’m jealous. [Keely is feeding Albie Durberry yogurt behind]  You feel something. I feel nothing lately. No life has become as gray as the– [Albie Durberry is trying his best not to eat yogurt] — clouds I see out of the window.

[Keely puts yogurt in Albie Durberry’s mouth forcefully. Albie Durberry spits it all out.]

Albie Durberry: I’m not an infant. I can feed myself.

Keely: No. You’ll make a mess.

[Albie Durberry throws everything away]

[looking at other audiences] I’m so sorry sir, are we disturbing you?

Kenan: Yes, very much.

[Jack is trying to cheer Genevieve up.]

Jack: There, cheer up. Dance with me, Genevieve like we used to.

[Jack and Genevieve start dancing]

God, it feels like yesterday.

[Jack and Genevieve start humming]

[warning alert]

Keely: Sir, I need to disinfect your chair.

Albie Durberry: Make it quick, Keeley, I’m enjoying the play.

[Albie Durberry’s wheelchair makes loud noise and is spraying something]

Jack: [shouting so everyone can listen] Come to bed! Come to bed! [Albie Durberry’s wheelchair stops making noise] Come to bed with me. I haven’t touched you in so long.

Genevieve: I– I can’t.

Jack: Christ, Genevieve, you are my wife.

Genevieve: Well, what do you want me to do?

Wheelchair robot: Change medical stockings.

[Keely is trying to change medical stockings]

Albie Durberry: No! No, Keely, you’ll make a scene. No, don’t change my socks. [Keely is trying it forcefully] Keely!

Keely: I need to change your therapeutic socks.

Albie Durberry: No. You’ll make a scene, Keely.

Keely: Or you won’t get your caramel candy after supper.

Albie Durberry: No, not my caramel, Kelly! No! No!

[Keely is making Albie Durberry change]

Genevieve: The truth is Jack isn’t a bad man. He provides, he’s kind, most nights.

Albie Durberry: No! No!

Genevieve: Faithful, I think. And he’d be a wonderful father but I don’t– I don’t love him. I’ve never said that before.

Keely: Can you hold his toes still?

Kenan: I’d rather not, but okay.

[Kenan stands and holds Albie Durberry’s body]

Albie Durberry: Keely! This man is attacking me.

Keely: Catch him and hold stiff.

Albie Durberry: No, I need to leave. Goodbye. Come with me. Bye, you crazy man.

Keely: No!

[Albie Durberry starts moving away. His wheelchair is electric.]

Albie Durberry: Oh! Come with me, Keely! Come with me!

Keely: Mr. Durberry! Mr. Durberry!

[phone ringing]

I’m so sorry.

[It’s Kenan’s phone.]

Kenan: Sorry.

Jack: Come on, man! We’re trying to do a play up here. Insane!

Susan B. Anthony

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Felicity Jones

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Susan B. Anthony… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Alex giving a tour to a house]

Alex: And that’s the end of the official tour. Thank you guys so much for coming. Feel free to stick around and poke around as long as you want.

Aidy: Gosh, I can’t believe we just toured Susan B. Anthony’s real house. I mean, this was so cool.

Felicity: I know. She did so much for women’s rights. I wish we could thank her.

Vanessa: Well, girls. Maybe we can.

Aidy: What do you mean?

Vanessa: I heard a secret that if a group of women holds hands in her living room and says her name three times, she’ll appear.

Cecily: No way. That’s an urban legend.

Vanessa: Only one way to find out.

All: [chanting] Susan B., Susan B., Susan B. [laughing]

[Susan B. Anthony appears into the smoke]

Susan B. Anthony: Hello! I am Susan B. Anthony, America’s most famous suffragette.

Aidy: Oh my god! It worked!

Melissa : Susan, I can’t believe it’s you.

Felicity: We just wanna thank you. It’s kind of a hard time for women right now but you give us hope.

Susan B. Anthony: It is always a hard time for women my dear. The important thing is to never give up. I paved the way for you. And now you must pave the way for women 100 years from now. You are the future, my dears.

Aidy: Wow! That is so true. Thank you, Susan. Thank you for everything.

[Everyone hugs Susan B. Anthony]

Susan B. Anthony: Well, well, thank you.

[Everyone prepares to leave.]

Cecily: Should I call cab?

Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I think the last train to the city is in like 20 minutes.

Aidy: Oh, but maybe get two cabs coz there’s five of us, right?

Cecily: No, I don’t want to pay for two cabs. Let’s just squeeze.

Aidy: Okay, well I don’t think cabs let you squeeze.

Felicity: Um, no, I had one guy where I hid on the floor and he didn’t say anything.

Vanessa: Yeah, I think it just depends on the driver.

Susan B. Anthony: [interrupting] And another thing, girls. A woman can only be in chains if she allows herself to be in chains.

Cecily: Ah, yeah.

Aidy: Totally.

Vanessa: Okay, but wait. So one of us is just going to lay on the floor of the cab? Like, no.

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, we all have jobs. Let’s just pay for two cabs.

Cecily: Okay, I’ll pay for it. You guys just Venmo me.

Felicity: I don’t have Venmo.

Vanessa: Katie, get Venmo, it’s great.

Susan B. Anthony: [interrupting] Also, girls, don’t forget, idea is the most dangerous weapon a woman can have.

Cecily: What was that Susan?

Susan B. Anthony: I said, an idea is the most dangerous weapon a woman can have.

All: Yeah. For sure.

[Cecily talking on the phone]

Cecily: Hi, yes. We need two cabs please, for now. Right at the Susan B. Anthony’s house.

Susan B. Anthony: [walking very close to Cecily] What’s that?

Cecily: It’s the cab company, Susan. We’re going to the Rochester train station.

Susan B. Anthony: No, but what is that in your ear?

Cecily: It’s a phone, Susan. Okay? Yeah, two cabs. As soon as possible, please.

Susan B. Anthony: What’s a phone?

Cecily: Susan!

Susan B. Anthony: What?

Cecily: No, I’m sorry. You know, thank you so much for getting us the right to vote. We just have to do this quickly okay? [on the phone] I’m sorry. Susan B. Anthony is being like, such a pain in the ass.

[Cecily runs out]

Aidy: Okay, so wait. Are we going to have time to get food before we go?

Felicity: I don’t think so. but there’s going to be food on the train.

Aidy: Oh, no. That food is disgusting. It’s just like hard wet sandwiches.

Susan B. Anthony: Um, girls, did you see my little desk? [pointing at her desk] This is where I wrote my diary about the women’s movement.

Vanessa: Yes, Susan, we saw it. It’s so cool.

Felicity: I can’t believe you sat right there.

Girls: Wow!

Felicity: Can we just like go through McDonalds?

Vanessa: No. If we miss this train, we’ll all have to take a cab all the way back to the city.

Susan B. Anthony: And girls, this is my little stove. [showing her stove] Did you see this stove? Back then I would heat it with a very hot stone.

Melissa : Yeah, we heard that on the tour.

Aidy: Yeah, so cool, Susan.

Girls: So cool.

Aidy: Well, you know what? Couldn’t Dustin just come get us?

Vanessa: Dustin works. I’m not going to have him come all the way up to Rochester because you two want burgers.

Susan B. Anthony: Did you see my little shoes? [showing her shoes]

Vanessa: Yes, bitch. We saw your crap! Oh god! Oh my god! I’m so sorry, Susan B. Anthony.

Aidy: Yeah, sorry. That was rude.

Felicity: We’re really, really sorry.

Susan B. Anthony: That’s alright. I fought so that women like you could speak your minds. I’m proud of you.

Vanessa: Thank you, Susan. We have to go. But it was such an honor to meet you.

Girls: Bye!

Susan B. Anthony: Just remember, girls, a woman is just as good as a man.

Aidy: Oh, yes. Thank you.

Susan B. Anthony: Also, abortion is murder.

Aidy: What?

Shondra and Malik

Vanessa Bayer

Shondra… Leslie Jones

Malik… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of New York streets]

[hip hop music playing]

[Shondra & Malik video bumper]

Vanessa: I’m just saying be careful out here. You don’t need that stress.

Shondra: Man, ain’t nobody worried about Malik. It’s going to be what it’s going to be. [a car is coming over] Here comes this fool now.

Vanessa: We’ll take it down the block. I don’t want to be involved.

[Vanessa walks away]

[The car pulls over and Malik comes out.]

Malik: Shondra! What I’d told you about being on my block?

Shondra: Man, this ain’t your block. And you ain’t the only one allowed to make money out here, Malik. You think you can just roll up on me by yourself?

Malik: Yo, I ain’t never along. [showing his handgun]

Shondra: [laughing] You ain’t saying nothing. What’s good then? [Showing her handgun]

Malik: Oh, so that’s how you want it?

Shondra: It’s whatever, fool.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Hey, cops.

[police car drives by]

Malik: Ya, aite! You lucky it’s hot out here.

Shondra: No, you lucky.

Malik: We’re gonna see about that. Don’t let me catch you on this block again, Shondra. It’s going down.

Shondra: Whatever.

Malik: It’s going to be a problem.

[Malik gets in the car but the engine doesn’t start.]

Shondra: Ay! Ay, you’re flooding it, man.

Malik: I’m not.

Vanessa: Sounds flooded, babe.

Malik: Come on, up!

[the engine starts]

Yeah! There it go. There it go. You know what? [Malik gets out of the car again] Like I said, don’t let me catch you on this block again, alright? Don’t let me catch you slipping.

Shondra: You ain’t going to never catch me slipping, homey.

[Malik gets in the car]

Malik: That’s all I gots to say. I’m out.

[the engine breaks]

[Cut to Shondra looking at the engine bonnet for Malik]

Malik: So what you think it is? The starter or the alternator?

Shondra: I don’t know, man. But this belt is pretty worn out. You need to get it changed.

Malik: Well, can’t you just get it going for now?

Shondra: That’s what I’m trying to do. Go get in the car and try to see if it will start.

Malik: Alright.

[Malik gets in the car. The engine starts.]

Yeah. Yeah.

Shondra: Alright. Yeah, man!

Malik: I appreciate that. I appreciate that. But this don’t change nothing. [a lot of smoke is coming out of Malik’s car] If I see you out here again, it’s gonna be a problem.

Shondra: [looking at the car] Dude, it’s smoking.

Malik: That’s me? I’m doing that?

Shondra: Yeah. That’s you.

Malik: Wait a minute. Okay now, this is P, this is reverse–

Shondra: What are you doing? Put it in drive, dude!

Malik: I am putting it in drive. Wait, that’s D, right?

Shondra: Man, you is stupid. Whose car is this?

[Malik turns the car off]

Malik: What? Man, you stupid. Especially if I catch you on my block again, you know what I”m saying?

Shondra: Man, you know what homey? You’re going to have to do what you gonna do, because– Ah! Ah! [putting her hand on her chest]

Malik: What’s wrong? What’s the matter?

Shondra: It’s my chest, man.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Hey, that’s probably your heart. You’ve got to stop it with that stress.

Shondra: I think I need to go to the hospital. Somebody call me an ambulance, man.

Malik: I can run you over there.

Shondra: What? No! Not in this raggedy car, you can’t even get it started.

Malik: Man, ambulance is gonna take too long. Come on, I’ll take you over there now. [to Vanessa] Yeah, help me get her in the car.

Vanessa: Alright.

Malik: Here we go.

[Cut to everybody in the car]

Malik: Come on! [the engine doesn’t start]

Shondra: I told you we should have called an ambulance.

[the engine starts]

Malik: Ah! Yeah! So you ain’t think it was going to start. Just hang on.

Shondra: You know what, Malik? Thanks man. If I don’t make it–

Malik: Come on, man. Don’t talk crazy, man, I got you, your’e going to be alright.

Vanessa: Does anyone smell gas?

[The car bursts into fire.]

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Sherry Dillon… Cecily Strong

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Vladimi Putin… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a rebroadcast of Donald Trump’s first press conference as President-Elect.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his press conference]

Donald Trump: Hello. Thank you for coming. I’d like to start by answering the question that’s on everyone’s mind. Yes, this is real life. This is really happening. On January 28th, I Donald J. Trump will become the 45th president of the United States, and then two months later Mike Pence will become the 46th. I am so excited to live in the White House. I’m even gonna have a little pet like all the presidents do. Bill Clinton had Sox, Barack Obama had Bow and I’ll have Paul Ryan. I mean I’m not gay but I cannot wait to give it to that man for four years. Hey guys, who is excited for my inauguration day?

[cheers and applause]

Yes, thank you to those people over there who I definitely did not pay to do that. And we have got some of the biggest performers of the world lined up. Hold on to your tits and bits because we have got Three Doors Down. Also from America’s Got Talent, we’ve got Jackie what’s her face. Beast of all, we’ve got the One Rockette with the least money in her savings. We’ve also got some huge A list actors coming like, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. They’ll all be at my inauguration, courtesy of Madame Tussauds.

Now, as you all know, this is my first press conference in six months. There’s so much to talk about. I’m bringing jobs back. I’m picking the best cabinet. So, go ahead, ask me anything. Yes, you.

[Cut to Pere]

Pete: Hey, ABC news. I’d like to ask you about your big Russian pee-pee party.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. I am not talking about the pee-pee because because it didn’t happen and it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Next question.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yes. Justice Scalia’s death has left a vacancy on the supreme court. Many are wondering about your timeline for replacement. So I guess my question is, did you guys like all pee or just watch them pee?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys. No, no, I do not want to talk about the pee-pee. I want to talk about what is really important which is jobs, because I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs back to this country. The biggest, strongest, steadiest stream you’ve ever seen. This country will be literally showered with jobs. Because I am a major wiz at jobs. It will be a golden opportunity for me as a president to make a big splash. Now, who’s with me? I know you’re in. How about you? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? [sounds like ‘urine’] Okay. Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes, Mr. Trump, you and the republicans want to repeal Obamacare, but why would you do that before coming up with a replacement plan?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Because Obamacare is a disaster and I actually do have a replacement plan, okay? I just read about it this week. It’s a terrific plan, just great. It’s called the Affordable Care Act.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: That’s the same thing as Obamacare. And if you repeal it, 20 million people will lose their health insurance. I mean, people could die.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, sweetheart, I’m about to be president. We’re all going to die. Next question.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Yes. Mr. Trump, many people are concerned about all your business conflicts. Have you taken the proper steps to divest from your companies?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes, I have. I’ve turned over all my businesses to my two sons, Beavis and Butthead. They’re here today. Come and get a shot of them.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric]

Look at those two little American psychos. You can tell they’re good businessmen because of how licked back their hair is. Explain how it will work, boys.

Donald Trump Jr.: I’ll be in charge of the day to day operations as well as overseeing all new deals moving forward.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks boys. I know some of you think I”m not really divesting from my companies and it’s all a big scam. Here with actual proof of my tax lawyer.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tax lawyer. She is standing behind a table that has a lot of paper works on it.]

Sherry Dillon: Hello, yes, my name is Sherry Dillon. I’m his lawyer. And this right here are the papers to prove Mr. Trump is really divesting. I mean, look at all these papers. If he wasn’t divesting, how could there be so many dang papers? This paper’s here. This paper’s here. It’s like, “Help, help, lifeguard, I’m practically drowning in papers.” Still don’t believe me? I’ll read every paper out loud right now. Starting with this one, oh that’s right, they’re fake.

[Sherry Dillon walks away]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I’m loving this press conference. Love the press. I respect the press. Let’s take another question from press.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi. Yeah, I’m from Buzzfeed, and–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [interrupting] No, no, no, no. Not you, Buzzfeed. You’re a failing pile of garbage and you wanna know why? Because I took your quiz yesterday. I’ll tel you right now, I”m not a Joey, I am a Rachel. Who else has a question? I love the press.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: Um, Yes. Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, not CNN either. You’re overrated. Fake news. I tried to watch your network last night and it was just some crazy blonde woman sprouting lies.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: That was Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, right. God, I love Kellyanne. Everyday it looks like she does the ice bucket challenge with her make up. Next question.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Hi. Yes, Dr. Ben Carson’s confirmation hearing this week has characterized as shanky. Are you sure he’s qualified for this cabinet position?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let me tell you something. Ben Carson is great. He’s going to be the best brain surgeon to ever run the housing department.If he has any trouble, I just appointed someone yesterday to help him out. This man is an African American icon who has done so much for our country.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, is it congressman John Lewis? that man is a hero.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. I got someone even better. Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that’s right. It’s me Steve Harvey. Yeah, I do government now. Does this bode well for our country? Survey says! [wrong answer buzzer]

[Steve Harvey walks out]

Donald Trump: thank you, Steve. Let’s take another question.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Hello, Mr. Trump. The intelligence community has said definitively that Russia hacked the election. Why won’t you say one the records that you agree with them?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I will. I’m happy to say that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Then do it. Say Russia hacked the election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you. A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, fine! Russia hacked the election. are you happy, mom? Next question. Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, hello. I am American Journalist Wolf Blitzer. Are you sure Russia was behind hacking?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, maybe.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: But are you really, really sure? [showing Donald Trump pee-pee party video tape]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It was China. I mean Canada.  It was Meryl Streep. Okay. This press converence is over. Thank you all for peeing here– I mean, for pissing here– I mean being here. And Life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Beard Hunk

Nick… Beck Bennett

Raquel… Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Ashley… Felicity Jones

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Beard Hunk intro]

Male voice: One hunk with a sculpted beard. 25 beautiful adjacent ladies. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on ‘Beard Hunk.’

[Cut to Nick’s intro video]

Nick: Hi, I’m Nick, and this season there’s gonna be a lot of drama. a lot of excitement and as always, minimal Asians. I can’t wait.

[Cut to Nick and Raquel sitting on a park bench]

Raquel: Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Raquel: Well, my name is Raquel. I’m 24 but my face is 36. And I’m the worst girl in any room I’m in.

Nick: I like that.

Raquel: Also, i’m a business owner.

Nick: What kind of business?

Raquel: Okay, I’m not.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Raquel walks out and Vanessa sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Vanessa: Well, my name is whatever. Also, all of the girls here, I have the most abrupt ombre. And I’m looking for a husband even though I’m not old enough to vote.

Nick: How old are you?

Vanessa: 26.

Nick: That is old enough to vote.

Vanessa: Oh well.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Vanessa walks out and Ashley sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Ashley: My name is Ally and I was born in Ashley. Sorry, my name is Ashley and I was born in an alley.

Nick: I like that.

Ashley: Also I have a twin sister and this is really hard to tell you, but she’s sick… of the way I treat her.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out and Kate sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this. I’ve been waiting to talk to you all night. Cuz it’s 5:30 in the morning.

Nick: So, when was your last relationship?

Kate: Um, well, I was married last year.

Nick: Oh, really?

Kate: Yes. To you.

Nick: Oh, right. Hi.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Aidy: Well, I am a veterinarian. So, I love animals. But I’m also a very sexual person, so I’d love to jack you off whenever you want.

Nick: I’d like that.

Aidy: And here’s another little secret about me. I don’t have a gag reflex.

Nick: That’s hot.

Aidy: Yeah. But I do have four very sharp teeth.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick]

I’m so lucky to be here. In fact, I’m lucky to be alive at all. I was born eight months early. I was in an incubator for five years. The doctors spent millions of dollars to keep me alive and I survived.

Nick: Wow. What do you do now?

Ashley: I promote ice tea on Instagram.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry, Can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick]

Nick, I want to tell you something. I have a daughter. She’s 3 and she’s my best friend in the world.

Nick: Where is she right now?

Aidy: Um, I think like the neighbor’s or something. But she’s always with me because I have this drawing of us. [showing a kid’s drawing]

Nick: Aw, she’s a good artist.

Aidy: Oh, no, I did this.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Kate sits beside Nick.]

Hi, I missed you.

Nick: Thanks. So, tell me about yourself.

Kate: Well, I’m a judge… mental bitch. And for my job, I work at Hooter’s.

Nick: Wow. That’s hot.

Kate: Yeah, it’s so hot coz I work in the kitchen.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, it feels so safe right now.

Nick: So, tell me more about yourself.

Aidy: Well, my favorite animal is a frog. Because I love the water and my eye color is green. And I do pee and poop out of the same hole.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick.

Nick, I’ve been lying to you and I need to come clean. I have five STDs.

Nick: That’s okay. I don’t mind.

Ashley: Also, I didn’t bring a bikini. I only brought a one piece.

Nick: I’ll walk you out.

[Cut to the show outro]

Male voice: We’ll be right back with more ‘Beard Hunk.’]

Weekend Update- Putin’s Best Friends from Growing Up Return

Michael Che

Vanessa Bayer

Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: US intelligence officials now believe that Vladimir Putin personally oversaw the cyber attack on the democrats before the election. Here to defend them are Vladimir Putin’s best friends from growing up.

[Michael Che and Fred slide in]

Vanessa: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, Putin hacked into our electoral system, and that’s got to be a new low in diplomacy. But you guys are best friends with him?

Fred: Oh, he is the best.

Vanessa: Yeah, we love him. He’s like, a great leader.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: He has been leading for a long time. He’s focused, He’s disciplined.

Vanessa: Yeah, he’s such a hard worker. [soft voice] I will say he can be pretty petty. Okay, so he has this holiday party and on the invite, it says in bold letter, it says, “No gifts please.” So we show up and he goes, “Arriving empty handed, are we?” “You said no gifts!”

Fred: [soft voice] So, like, he points to us, right? With his thumb. And he rolls his eyes. Right? He turns to the room and he goes, “These cheapskates are here, hide your purses.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] first of all, that not only implies that we are cheap, but that we steal?

Fred: [soft voice] It said on the invitation not to bring anything.

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having a hard to hearing you guys. I mean, are you saying that he turns on people?

Vanessa: [normal voice] No, no, no. We love him. He’s like, our best friend. He’s so unique.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: Like, he loves retro things. He collects fun vintage sodas. He’s like a nerd.

Vanessa: He’s such a nerd about it.

Fred: I will say [soft voice] he is very weird about money and then he keeps saying he’s not weird about money. So I’m like, “Why are you bringing it up?” So, walking to the party, okay.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Okay, first thing, he goes, “Hey, can you guys play some music? Because I dind’t want to shell out money for a DJ.” We go, “What?”

Fred: [soft voice] So… why are we working at your party?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah, you’re gonna make us work at your party?

Fred: [soft voice] Like, Russia can get you a DJ, you know?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah.

Fred: [soft voice] So he comes around, he’s like, “Okay, hey everyone.” Goes out and comes back and, “We got a t-shirt for everyone. Merry Christmas.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re like flimsy.

Fred: [soft voice] And like itchy.

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re all the same size. So I got up to him and say, “Can I have a smaller size?” And he goes, “No, it was cheaper just to order all size larges.”

Fred: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president of a major nation.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president.

Fred: [soft voice] Get different sizes!

Vanessa: [soft voice] Splurge. And he says, “Sorry it doesn’t fit. Maybe you can put it over your face when you go on a date.”

Fred: [soft voice] What is your problem?

Vanessa: [soft voice] You’re gonna invited us and then you’re gonna insult us? What?

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Alright, wait. First off, you’ve got to speak up. Please. I can’t hear. Also, do you understand how serious these accusations against Putin are? I mean he’s literally threatening the American political system.

Fred: [normal voice] I mean, honestly, he’s very dedicated, He’s strong, He’s brave. And Michael, he’s a fan of you.

Vanessa: He loves you.

Fred: He loves you.

Vanessa: He really says such nice things about you.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: [soft voice] So, we go to the party. And we just say, “You know what? We’re going to head out.” Let me take off.

Vanessa: [soft voice] He goes, “You guys had a problem with me as soon as you walked in here. You didn’t ask me how my day was.”

Fred: [soft voice] “I have been dealing with all the hacking stuff, and Siberia is so cold.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] “So cold.”

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Okay. I can barely hear you. But it sounds like you don’t actually like Putin.

Fred: [normal voice] No, it’s just that it’s very complicated.

Vanessa: It’s kind of like how you feel about Colin Jost.

Michael Che: Oh, no, no, no, no. I love Colin. [soft voice] I will say that [starts whispering with Vanessa and Fred]

Vanessa and Fred: Michael Che, everyone!

New York Now

Jen Jen Binks… Vanessa Bayer

Sara Hors… Sasheer Zamata

Nate Rivers… Kyle Mooney

Penny… Kate McKinnon

Ronnie… Casey Affleck

Mary Kay… Cecily Strong

Isaac… Chance the Rapper

Robin… Mikey Day

[Starts with Jen Jen Binks and Sara Hors in their set]

Jen Jen Binks: Welcome to another installment of New York now.

Sara Hors: The show where we fill you on what’s happening around the city. I’m Sara Hors.

Jen Jen Binks: And I’m Jen Jen Binks. It’s no secret when it comes to Christmas, New Yorkers know how to celebrate.

Sara Hors: That’s right. And our own Nate Rivers has a special report on a very unique nativity pageant that’s bringing the laughs to long islanders.

Jen Jen Binks: Take it away Nate.

[Cut to Nate Rivers]

Nate Rivers: Thanks, ladies. Today I’m on the set of Silent Night, HIlarious Night, a Christmas nativity pageant with a broad comedic take on the birth of Christ. Let’s take a quick look at some extremely funny highlights.

[Cut to show video]

Penny: Joseph, where have you been?

Ronnie: Well, I was just looking at the bill from the inn keeper.

Mary Kay: They gotta get out of here. [hold’s a lamb poster] I’m gonna ride home in my lamb-orghini.

Ronnie: What did the wisemen bring?

Penny: Well, they brought frankincense myrrh and peanut brittle.

[Cut to Penny, Ronnie, Mary Kay and Nate Rivers]

Nate Rivers: I”m here now with the show’s creators, Penny, Ronnie and Mary Kay.

Ronnie: Hello.

Mary Kay: Hi.

Penny: Welcome.

Nate Rivers: Your show has been getting quite a bit of buzz.

Ronnie: Oh, we know.

Mary Kay: We’re blessed.

Penny: We’re sold out almost every night.

Nate Rivers: Tell me about your pageant and what makes it so special.

Ronnie: Well, we took the story of Christ and we just blew it out.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. We kept the basic plot and then we just added tons of jokes.

Mary Kay: Tond!

Ronnie: So many jokes.

Nate Rivers: Sounds hilarious. And you act in the show as well?

Penny: Yeah, we kind of had to. You know, we had kids in it but we had to let them go. Coz the kids just have no comedic instinct. They’re not funny like us.

Mary Kay: They’re not half as funny. That’s the whole show.

Ronnie: Well, you got to get the laugh.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. So, in this show, I play Mary.

Ronnie: And I play Joseph. And I’m always saying [loudly] “My wife”, which is like from the “Borat” movie of course.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. WE borrow jokes that we like.

Mary Kay: Yeah, and my character is just like their nosy neighbor, you know? Always looking out of my window going, “What are they up to?”

Penny: Yeah, which is already funny because [gibberish] — the whole idea of a neighbor at Christ’s birth.

Nate Rivers: Wow! And you thought you were funnier than the kids?

Mary Kay: That’s right. We had to get rid of the kids.

Penny: Yeah. They weren’t funny.

Ronnie: Well, yeah. There’s this one part where she’s just giving birth to Jesus, and I look over and say, “Mary, high-five, we did it.”

Penny: And I’m like, “We? I would love to know how ‘we’ accomplished any of this.”

Ronnie: And then I say, “Don’t make me horny baby,” which is from the Austin Power’s film.

Mary Kay: [laughing] And then I come in, I look at the donkey and I say, “Talk about a jackass, right?” And you know, those are the kind of jokes that the kids enjoy but just can’t execute.

Penny: Oh, this is good, come here. My husband Isaac plays the three wise men. Look at him. Do little of your song.

[Isaac walks in. He has two other puppets wearing human clothes attached on both his sides.]

Isaac: It’s us, the three wisemen. We brought you this gift. Enjoy this. Take away, fellas.

[music playing]

[singing] Da-da-da-da-da-da, three wise men
Da-da-da-da-da-da, three wise men

[Isaac walks out]

Mary Kay: Is that great or is that great?

Ronnie: Now you see, not oly can a child no perform the adult humor, but they couldn’t physically carry the puppets. So…

[Robin walks in]

Robin: Ma? Ma?

Penny: What? What Robin?

Robin: Do you have time to talk to me later?

Penny: No. I’m doing my pageant thing right now. All day.

Robin: I want to talk to you about sex and drugs.

Penny: No. Not right now.

Robin: [yelling] You’re letting me down, ma!

[Robin leaves]

Mary Kay: See? Kids! This is why they can’t be a part of what we’re doing here.

Penny: No, no. They can’t see bigger than them.

Nate Rivers: Wow! Thanks so much. I can’t believe I got through this interview with a straight face. [laughing] If you’re in the Long Island area, be sure to check out the funniest birth of Jesus you’re likely to ever see. For New York now, I’m Nate Rivers.

Ronnie: Ha-ha. [shouting] My wife!

Mrs. Claus & The Elves

Mrs. Claus… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Casey Affleck

[Starts with a book ‘Mrs. claus and the Christmas Feast’ opening]

Male voice: As Santa traveled the world delivering toys to good children everywhere, Mrs. Claus was back at North Pole preparing a surprise feast for his return.

[Cut to Mrs. Claus entering the kitchen]

Mrs. Claus: Oh my goodness, it’s almost day break. Where are those elves? They promised to put the Christmas quiche in the oven and it sits here completely raw.

[blowing whistle]

[three elves appear]

Elves: When you whistle we appear, your three most loyal elves are here.

Kenan: What’s up, Mrs. C?

Mrs. Claus: What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. Santa is going to return any moment hungry as a polar bear. Why is this quiche uncooked?

Vanessa: Oh, no, we really let you down.

Kenan: Yeah. You gave us one job and we biffed it.

Casey: We biffed it big time. You must be in a white hot rage right now.

Kenan: Yeah, I guess the only thing left to do now is punish us? [the three elves smile]

Mrs. Claus: Punish you? Don’t be silly. What do you mean?

Vanessa: How will we learn unless you punish us?

Kenan: And our little bodies.

Casey: Yeah. Our smooth little bodies.

Vanessa: Yeah. We need to be taught a lesson.

Mrs. Claus: Stop acting so silly. Now, when you hear this little oven timer dingle, dignle, dingle, just turn off the oven. Now, please stay alert.

Vanessa: You’ve got it, Mrs. C.

[The timer goes off]

[Mrs. Claus walks in the kitchen. The three elves are sitting on the table.]

Mrs. Claus: Good gouda! This quiche is burned to krampus! Elves, didn’t you hear the timer go off?

Vanessa: Oh-oh! Now, Santa’s meal is garbage all because of us.

Kenan: You must be really angry. Time for our punishment.

Mrs. Claus: Honestly, I am a bit angry.

Casey: Oh, why don’t you funnel that anger right into our butts?

Mrs. Claus: What?

Kenan: Yeah. Grab us by our little elf ankles and just go nuts on our tender little booby butts.

Vanessa: Don’t worry. He won’t make any noise.

Mrs. Claus: Elves, get serious. I can’t take much more of this.

Vanessa: I know. You’re miffed. That’s why you’ve got to teach us a good lesson.

Kenan: Yeah. Send us to bed without any dinner or pants.

Vanessa: Then our tiny privates will be out for all to see.

Casey: Oh, no. Not our stinky little privates.

Mrs. Claus: Oh, boy! I guess I’ll have to make a brunch salad.

Kenan: I’ll toss your salad for you.

Casey: Oh, oh! Mrs. Claus, what’s this?

Kenan: Oh, it’s a little Hershey’s Kiss. If you put this in a wrong way, it might never come out.

Vanessa: But it sure would teach us a lesson.

Casey: Either way, I guess we should just try it.

[Casey leans down and Kenan points the chocolate’s point toward’s Casey’s butt]

Mrs. Claus: Oh, heavens! I don’t understand a word you silly elves are saying.

Casey: Oh, don’t get so P.O.’d.

Vanessa: Try getting pee on us.

Kenan: I’ll start putting towels down.

Mrs. Claus: Alright, you’re in trouble now. Santa’s here and I’m gonna let him deal with you.

Elves: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Finally!

Vanessa: Big bossy daddy with snow on top coming to take care of business.

Casey: Yeah. He’s back to rule the north hole. I mean pole- hole.

Kenan: Oh! I heard what you said. You said hole. We’re so bad. Punish us.

Mrs. Claus: Good god!

[Santa walks in]

Santa: Ho-ho0ho! I have returned.

Elves: Hi, Santa.

Kenan: We’ve been helping Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Well, that’s not true. They have been taunting me all morning.

Santa: Well, how about I taunt you all afternoon?

Mrs. Claus: Oh, my! The salad can wait.

Santa: Um-hmm.

Kenan: Wait, let us watch.

Vanessa: Don’t go! We want to see it.

Kenan: Wait, where did the Hershey’s kiss go?

Casey: Oh, don’t worry about it.

[The End]

Christmas Bar

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Tony… Kyle Mooney

Jerry… Casey Affleck

Bouncer… Kenan Thompson

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Police… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Jessica speaking to her friend at the bar]

Jessica: I’m think I want to go ice skating this year. I haven’t been since I was a kid. And it feels like it’s still fun.

[2 approaches Jessica]

2: Excuse me. This is gonna sound totally crazy but don’t I know you from somewhere?

Jessica: I don’t think so. I have actually never been to Brooklyn. I’m just visiting.

2: It’s just… I can’t believe I’m saying this. I guess there’s something about you, you know? It’s just like, it’s comfortable. Like, a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Hmm.

Jessica: My mom used to make that for me–

Jessica and 2: When I was sick.

2: Yeah. Me too. I’m sorry. What was your name again?

Jessica: Jessica.

2: Jessica, that’s right. I’m Tony. And I’m not rich or nothing. I just volunteer at a home for the elderly. But, um, would you maybe want to– [turns around and speaks to himself loudly] Tony, don’t do this. Do not do this. [looks at Jessica] Would you maybe want to have Christmas eve dinner with me and my family?

Jessica: Oh, Christmas eve dinner. Wow! I mean, Tony, we just met. I don’t really know.

[Jerry walks in]

Jerry: Excuse me, excuse me. I’m so sorry. I- I- I never interrupt people when they’re talking. But I just heard like an angel or something.

Jessica: Oh, me?

Jerry: Oh, wow, yeah. There it goes again. Now, whoof! Listen, I’m Jerry. I know I’m nothing special and I love my little deaf sister. But would you– I can’t believe I’m even standing here. Would you maybe wanna get Christmas dinner with me and my family?

Jessica: Oh, well, that’s nice.

2: Excuse me, Jerry. Um, you keep talking to Ms. Jessica here, it’s going to make me want to do– [talks to himself] Don’t say it, Tony. [looks at Jerry] It’s gonna wanna make me do something like this. [2 pulls out a knife]

Jerry: Oh! Wow! Well, I usually don’t stand up for myself. You know, I usually just let guys walk all over me. But, you know, when I see you do that, it makes me want to do something like this.

[Jerry pulls out a knife too]

Jessica: No! Tony! Jerry!

2: Wow! You know, I usually ain’t like this, but, um, I think I’m going to have to stab you.

[2 stabs Jerry]

Jerry: Oh! Argh! I can’t believe I’m saying this but that really hurt. Now I’m like, bleeding. [talking to himself] Don’t say it, Jerry. Do not say it. But I’m really bleeding.

[Bouncer walks in]

Bouncer: Guys, I can’t believe I’m doing this but, I mean, I’m usually really shy. I guess I’m the bouncer. You know? And it’s stupid but I got to restrain you.

2: Okay.

[Bartender walks in]

Bartender: Hey, fellas. I know it’s none of my business, I mean I normally wouldn’t speak up at a time like this. But I just called 911. You know? And they said they can’t believe that they’re saying this. Don’t say this. But, they’re going to be here very soon.

Jessica: Why are you being shy? This man was just stabbed.

2: hey, Jessica. I know I’m nothing special, but your eyes sparkle like the moonlight.

Jerry: Hang on a second. I know I’m just a simple buy, you know, but my gut says he’s not right for you.

Jessica: Yeah, obviously. Are you okay?

[A police officer walks in]

Police: Oh, I can’t believe I’m gonna ask this, but is this the victim you called about?

All: [crosstalk] Yes.

Police: Okay. And oh, this is totally insane. [talking to herself] Why you doing this, Tracy? but we’re going to pump you with 10 CCs of clotting agent.

Jessica: Um, stay strong Jerry.

Jerry: Oh, Ms. Jessica, I know this might not be the most opportune time, but if you just give me a chance, I think you will find out I’m a pretty fun guy.

Jessica: Of course you are, Jerry.

Police: Excuse me. I know I shouldn’t be interrupting but I think we’re losing him.

Jerry: I know, nobody asked me but I just saw a light and I really just want to walk towards it.

God: This is god. And I can’t believe I’m asking you this but, would you want to join me in the eternity or something?

Jerry: Oh my god! I can’t believe what I’m hearing but, yeah, I would like that very much, god! Ah!

[Jerry dies]

Jessica: Oh, Jerry.

2: I feel so self-conscious. But I can’t help wondering if this whole thing was all my fault.

Jessica: Of course it was.

2: Oh!

Science Presentation

Aidy Bryant

Ray… John Cena

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Miles… Mikey day

Heather… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with students getting ready for project presentations.]

Aidy: Our applied science’s 101-A final projects continue today with three more students who will present their findings and field questions from our panel.

Ray: Um, professor, before we begin can I say something? Alright, let’s be real. I’m in Alabama mostly because of my abilities in the football field. But I take my academics incredibly serously.

Aidy: Oh, that’s very admirable, Ray.

Ray: That’s why I said unless I got A+ on all my finals, I will voluntarily sit out that bowl game against Washington.

Beck: Well, we uphold our end by judging you just like any other student. And also, thank you for signing my hat.

Ray: No problem.

[Kenan has painted his face the color of Alabama jersey]

Kenan: Absolutely. Don’t you expect any favors from us.

Aidy: Wonderful. Now, would you all please state the topics that we assigned to you.

Miles: Um, yes, Quantum entanglement impaired particles.

Heather: Ionization in the gas phase.

Ray: Bananas.

Aidy: Fantastic. Now, please display your projects.

Kenan: Miles, I found you small particle accelerator while crude, to be quite clever.

Aidy: Yes, and Heather, your cloud chamber was equally as impressive.

Heather: Thank you.

Miles: That’s very kind. Thank you.

Beck: But Ray, we were all blown away by our bananas nailed to a piece of plywood.

Ray: Thank you, sir. It was hard to make.

Miles: Um, I’m sorry, bananas nailed to a piece of plywood? I just don’t think this is very fair.

Kenan: Please concentrate on your own project, Miles.

Coach: Hey, can we move this along? He’s got practice at three.

Ray: Hey, Coach, I have practice if I get an A+.

Coach: Oh, yeah, yeah. A+, yeah. right.

Ray: [clearing throat] May I read my findings?

Aidy: Oh, of course, Ray.

Ray: [clearing throat] Sorry, nervous. Banana is a yellow snack that monkeys eat. These five types of bananas [showing bananas he has nailed on a plywood], yellow, brown spotty, very brown, green and round. [The last one is an orange]

Heather: I’m sorry, there’s an orange on his banana board.

Kenan: Hey! That is a round orange banana.

Miles: I promise you that is an orange.

Beck: Are you trying to make us lost the game, nerd? God! Continue, Ray.

Ray: I used to not like bananas because they look like boys’ wieners, but now I like them because they’re yummy. Thank you.

Aidy: Brilliant. Truly brilliant, Ray. The floor is open for panel questions.

Beck: Um, Miles, why did you omit the effects of entanglement swapping from the calculations?

Miles: Um, I did not have the proper research in that area.

Kenan: Very disappointing.

Beck: This is important, guys. Science is in the details. How, Ray, what’s the outside of a banana called?

Ray: [thinking hard] The… crust?

Beck: Bingo!

Aidy: Heather, look at the monitor please. Is this an integral or differential condensation curve?

[There’s a curve with many details on the monitor]

Heather: Um, it’s a– well, it’s- it’s weird. I- I haven’t– Um, I haven’t like, seen one like that.

Aidy: Okay. Are you, uh, like, um, like, like, so sure?

Kenan: Now Ray, direct your attention to the monitor and your question is, is that funny?

[A cartoon banana is dancing on the monitor]

Ray: [laughing] Peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter jelly time.

Miles: I’m sorry. This is insane. I haven’t slept in a month building a particle accelerator and Ray just gets to laugh at a banana GIF?

[Kenan jumps to attack Miles but others stop him]

Beck: It’s okay.

Kenan: I’ve had it with this kid!

Beck: Alright. You know what? We’re ready to announce your grades. Nerd, you’ve scored a 20%.

Miles: [disappointed] What?

Aidy: Heather, 70.2%

Heather: [disappointed] Uh! I hate this school.

Kenan: And Ray, I’m happy to say you scored 100%.

Ray: Woo-hoo! Oh, Coach! I did it!

Coach: Hah? [using his phone] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re the smartest kind in the world.

Beck: Looks like you can play in the bowl game after all.

Ray: I’ll just have to get A+ on my English Lit final first. But I ain’t worried, coz I know the hell out of the very hungry caterpillar. [opening children’s caterpillar book]

[The End]