Weekend Update- The Bidens and Carters Take a Picture & the Most Instagrammable Bird

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Jimmy Carter and his wife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a photo taken of president Biden visiting with Jimmy Carter and his wife has gone viral for an odd angle that makes Biden look like a giant next to the former president. Even weirder, when you zoom out, they’re all being held by Giuliani. [When zoomed out, they all are inside a crystal ball that Giuliani is holding.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South Carolina map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squad to its execution method. And I think it’s nice that people will finally get chance to be shot after they’re found guilty.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

Pennsylvania police arrested a couple after they raided their home and discovered $1 million worth of meth. For reference, this is what $1fif million worth of meth looks like. [Picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grass at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police say that a woman who went missing nearly six months ago was found in a tent in a forest in Utah living off grass and moss. Authorities believe the woman either had mental health issues or read an article on “Goop”.

[Picture changes to an article on Goop that says “Why you should try the all grass and moss diet”.] [Picture changes to Disney Land]

Disney Land Snow White ride is being criticized because prince charming kisses Snow White without he consent while she was asleep. Which still isn’t as bad as Universal Studio’s new “Cosby the Ride”.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

A professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15 year old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective. Said the golfer, “Mulligan”? Sadly there’s more. For those of you wondering, in golf terms a 15 year old is 3 under par.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that a burger wrapper she was given was smeared with excrement. In fairness, she ordered the number two.

[Picture changes to Los Angeles city]

The population of Los Angeles has fallen for the third straight year. Well, it’s like Colin always says, “LA is just not the same without Harvey.”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of a bird at right top corner.]

You alway say it.

Colin Jost: Thanks. It’s cool. Researchers have determined that the most Instagrammable bird is an Australian species called ‘Tawny Frogmouth’. Well, the least Instagrammable bird is once again, Larry.

Weekend Update- Rocket Crashes to Earth

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a rocket at left top corner.]

I don’t know if you guys were following the news today, but a space rocket that was spinning out of control just minutes ago crashed into the ocean. And for once, we know, it’s not Elon’s fault. [Picture changes to Elon Musk hosing SNL monologue.] A lot of people have been wondering, “Why is he hosting our show?” And now we know, it’s because he needed an Alibi.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeff Bezos’s rocket company ‘Blue Origin’ is auctioning off one seat on a first flight of its passenger rocket. Wow. Why are all these rich white people trying to go to space? Look, if there’s any Martian watching this, when you see a bunch of foreign ships pull up on your land, take it from a black dude, don’t get on them. Unless you want to be the martian with the last name ‘Washington’.

[cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Prominent white nationalists posting manifestos” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A prominent white nationalist has begun posting manifestos online. I’m sorry, that was the sub-headline. The headline was “Donald Trump launched new blog”. That’s right. Disgraced fast food spokesman Donald Trump has launched a website called ‘From the desk of Donald J. Trump’. Though more accurate name would be ‘From the brain fog of long-haul covid’.

[Picture changes to republican elephant logo]

I don’t understand why the republican party is still betting their entire future on Trump. He turns 75 next month. It’s like getting your family an old dog and saying, “Hey, kids, invest all your emotions in this.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida governor Ron DeSantis who played the short bully in “A Christmas Story” signed new restrictive voting laws that limits the locations of drop boxes and new requirements for voting my mail. Wow. Since when does Florida care so much about the law? Last time I was in Florida, I saw a lady lighting fireworks  with a crack pipe. Worst gender reveal ever!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Evangelicals hesitant about vaccine” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Experts say that one of the biggest obstacles to hurt immunity is that many white evangelical christians are refusing the vaccine. And look, evangelical christians, I know you guys want to get into heaven, but it’s not a race.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “CVS responsible for half of unused vaccines”]

A report also shows that CVS is responsible for half of all unused vaccine shots in the nation. CVS is also responsible for half of the nation’s room temperature white claw. I guess that we should have expected top-notch inventory management from the store that that’s still trying to unload Halloween candy in March.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kamala Harris at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kamala Harris will become the first vice president to be featured as a wax figure at Madame Tussauds wax museum. Well, Joe Biden is the first wax figure to become the president.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Verizon, Aol and yahoo! logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Verison will sell Aol and yahoo!, I assume to the year 1998.

[picture changes to Andrew Cuomo]

New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced that the broadway could reopen in September 14th. Except for the new musical about Cuomo’s handling of the pandemic, “Nursinghoma!”

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Star Wars Day Celebrations

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, this past Tuesday was May the 4th, aka Star Wars Day. Here to share his thoughts on what Star Wars means to him is star of the Mandalorian, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in] [cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: [shouting] Whoa! This side, say what? This side, say what?

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s some great energy, Baby Yoda. Happy Star Wars Day. How did you celebrate?

Baby Yoda: Let’s see. I smoked weed and took pills because I’m not like a nerd. You know, I really love the fans. And I actually think they’re cool. [looks at Michael Che and shakes his head no]

Michael Che: Yeah, I think I got it. Thanks for being here. You’re looking pretty jacked. I mean, have you been working out?

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. I’ve been hitting the gym. You know, getting my sets in. Yeah. And actually, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce I’m dedicating my life to MMA style fighting.

Michael Che: Wow, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah. I got the bug. Big trade, holler at my boys, Jake and Logan Paul. They got to be eating right, getting on that treadmill and taking a significant amount of performance-enhancing drugs.

Michael Che: Come on, man.

Baby Yoda: Ay, look what I can, Che. [punching] Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! At the end of the day, get me against the ropes, I can hit them with “I’m just a baby”, Blap! Bye-bye.

Michael Che: Wow, man. I’m really happy for you.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, man. My life is a movie right now. I’m doing the fighting. I got a great group of friends. And we all young, horny and famous.

Michael Che: Okay. So, who are you friends?

Baby Yoda: So, it’s me, Chalamet, cousin Greg, the kid from Anari, and of course, Lightening McQueen from Cars. These are all designated driver. Wink!

Michael Che: See, okay, I don’t love that.

Baby Yoda: No, you do. And if you don’t, I’ll be like, Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Come on, Che. You can’t do nothing. I’ve got that McDonald’s money.

Michael Che: McDonald’s? We don’t know what you’re talking about.

Baby Yoda: Alright. Yes. So, McDonald’s is doing this limited edition Baby Yoda meal. Yeah, it’s a quarter pounder, small soda, two big ass eggs, and a little baggie of MDMA.

Michael Che: Oh my god. Is that supposed to be good for you?

Baby Yoda: Hhhhhhhhhhhhell yeah!

Michael Che: You need to relax.

Baby Yoda: Not really. But one last thing. June 23rd, Ceasars palace, pay-per-view, me and Baby Groot, hand to hand in a little ass ring. 0-0. Baby Groot, I look forward to seeing you. I know it’s for charity, but I do intend to end your life that night. I will kill you. And I will enjoy it.

Michael Che: Alright! Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update- A Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Disney’s Reopening

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After being closed more than a year, Disney Land reopened last week and here to talk about her experience is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, how are you doing, Pauline? So, you must feel good. You just got on the happiest place on earth.

Pauline: The happiest place on earth? For who? I am not happy. No, no, no. I am tired. I stood in line for two hours in Splash mountain so I could sit my haggard ass in a log flume only to have that very flume break down. Well, Mr. Splash Mountain, you don’t think I want to break down sometimes doing all I do for these kids? Well, I do. You want to know the difference between me and you, Mr. Splash Mountain? I don’t get to break down. I just keep on getting my back blown out.

Michael Che: Alright. That sounds like a very different thing. But I hear you. I understand.

Pauline: Then I stood up to see I had been sitting in an inch of foul Disney water. Spent the rest of the day looking like I pee’d my pants. Sitting in my wet pants, eating a slice of pizza as thick as a book. That park ain’t right, Michael. That park is not right.

Michael Che: Alright. What did your kids think about being back at the park?

Pauline: Why does everything have to be about kids? I used to be a little sexual thing, Michael. I did. You know, men used to buy me appetizers. Multiple appetizers. I was somebody. Now I’m dragging babies from Jungle Cruise to Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Sleeping Beauty? Why is that hussy so tired? She don’t have kids. I could be pretty too. But I sleep on my feet like a horse.

Michael Che: Yes. I’m sure your kids appreciate your sacrifice. I mean, did they have fun at least?

Pauline: I don’t know. You tell me. They spent the whole day moaning and groaning, “Mommy, I wanna meet Mickey. Mommy, I want a hug from Mickey. Mommy, why can’t Mickey be my mommy?” You wanna know what I said to those kids? You wanna know what I said?

Michael Che: Not really, but I think you’re going to tell me.

Pauline: I said [sad music playing] I have given you kids every part of me. I’ve given you my blood, my sweat, my tears. I have given you my neck, my back. And as for my pushy and my crack, oho! You ripped those away from me a long time ago.

Michael Che: Oh, wait. Hold on! Where are your kids right now?

Pauline: Oh, check you out. Now you want to be worried about our kids?

Michael Che: Our kids?

Pauline: Yeah. CJ is starting to look just like you.

Michael Che: Who is CJ?

Pauline: Che Junior.

Michael Che: Wait a minute. His name is Che Jr. Che?

Pauline: Yes. Yes, it is. And when little CJ wanted a souvenir, I showed my breasts to Goofy for some Mardi Gras Beads in the French quarter. Turns out I ain’t have to do all that. They were complimentary.

Michael Che: Aw, Pauline, everybody!

Pauline: Who’s gonna fast pass me?

 

Weekend Update- The Iceberg on the Sinking of the Titanic

Colin Jost

Iceberg… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Next year marks the anniversary of sinking of the Titanic. Here to explain his side of the story is the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

[Iceberg slides in]

Iceberg: Hi, Colin. Thanks for having me. This is always a weird time in the year for me.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you for being here. Just tell us, what was going through your head that fateful night?

Iceberg: Thank you for that question. You know what, Colin? That was a really long time ago. I’ve done a lot of reflecting to trying to move past it. It’s one very small part of me but there’s so much going on beneath the surface that you can’t see.

Colin Jost: Right. Like an iceberg. What would you say though to the families of those who perished in the cold north Atlantic waters that night?

Iceberg: Okay. No. These are not the questions we discussed. This isn’t very nice, Colin.

Colin Jost: What’s not nice?

Iceberg: Sorry, I think my publicist was very clear. I’m not here to talk about the sinking.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what else would we be talking about?

Iceberg: I’m here to promote my album.

Colin Jost: You have an album?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s a hyper-pop, EDM, new disco fantasia. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: Your album is called Music?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: It’s really cool. I just think that a lot of people might rather hear about the Titanic.

Iceberg: My god. Okay. Wow. Fine, you want to do this? Let’s do this. First of all, you came to where I live and you hit me. It was midnight. I was chilling. Then I hear this Irish cacophony behind me. Not to be offensive, but like, ta-na-na-na-na. I’m sorry. That’s what it sounded like. It was full of river dance. And before I turn around, half my ass is gone! It was my best feature. And I am literally injured. But all everybody cares is like, 40 or 50 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: Well, it was 1500 people.

Iceberg: Why are you attacking me? You said you’d be my Oprah, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, I never said that.

Iceberg: Someone did. But why are people still talking about this? They bumped into me. I said, “I’m sorry”, which is insane. But whatever. And then they’re playing the violin and yelling, and the old people are like, spooning in the bed ready to die. I was looking at this and I was like, “Oh my god. They’re going to make a movie about this.”

Colin Jost: It sounds like you think you’re the victim here.

Iceberg: Well, everyone’s talking about me. No one’s talking about the water! What did the autopsy say? They iceberged? No! They drowned, bitch! That’s not me. That’s water. But nobody’s canceling the ocean.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you aren’t taking any responsibility?

Iceberg: Obviously, I hate that 20 or 30 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: It’s 1500.

Iceberg: But it’s like, “Hey, white star line. You built a bad boat. It didn’t work out. That’s on you, honey.” Now, can we please talk about my album?

Colin Jost: Sure.

Iceberg: Thank you. I’m really proud of it. It’s 12 tracks, no skips, swear to god. This is my new single. I think you’ll like it. It’s called ‘Lover Boy’.

[music playing] [singing] Come on over and kiss me boy
Hold my hand in your brand new house
I know you don’t ever want to miss me boy
so let’s watch a movie tonight in your house

touch me while the room is spinning
kiss me, let’s go eat some dinner
wine me dine me, I had early lunch
I’m hungry for you, lover boy

Colin Jost: The Iceberg from Titanic, everyone.

Iceberg: It’s not my name.

Colin Jost: It’s your name. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Pineapple on the Paul Pierce Scandal

Michael Che

Pineapple…Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Paul Pierce was fired from his job as an analyst or ESPN after filming a wild party on Instagram live where he was surrounded by strippers. Here with more on that story is one of the strippers, Pineapple.

[Pineapple slides in]

Pineapple: Yeah. Hey! What’s going on? Hey, boo. I would prefer my full name Pineapple Penelope Peters, please.

Michael Che: Okay, Pineapple Penelope Peters. So, tell us what happened?

Pineapple: Okay, well, Big Che Mike, that is your name, right? Big Che Mike.

Michael Che: Sure.

Pineapple: Well, I want to know why Paul Pierce got fired for throwing one of the biggest parties of the year. Is it against ESPN policy to love big asses?

Michael Che: I mean, they’re owned by Disney. So, yeah, it kind of is.

Pineapple: Listen, everybody. Paul Pierce is a saint. He gave us, strippers, jobs during a very tough time. Ain’t nobody looking out for us, exotic dances in this pandemic. I haven’t danced at the Golden Cobra in months. I even did a few Zoom, but they didn’t work. You know how hard it is to clap your ass in front the camera while somebody yell, “Ay, you muted!”

Michael Che: I’m sorry to hear that. But didn’t you have a point about Paul Pierce.

Pineapple: Oh, yes. $Michael Che0.

Michael Che: Seriously?

Pineapple: Can a fish walk? Get me my money.

Michael Che: Alright. Luckily, I keep stripper money here. [gives $Michael Che0 to Pineapple] Here you go.

Pineapple: Thank you. Okay, now. I just want to tell everybody three reasons why Paul Pierce should not have been fired. Can I have the desk?

Michael Che: Of course. Please.

Pineapple: Thank you.

[music stars playing. Pineapple puts her leg up on the desk and starts shaking her butt.]

Michael Che: Hey! Hey! What are you doing? We’re on TV.

Pineapple: But you said I could have the desk.

Michael Che: I mean just to talk to the people.

Pineapple: Oh, I’m sorry. Stripper brain. Okay. Reason number one. He got us all 4-for-4s from Wendy’s and you know I love my frosty. I put my little fries. You know. Reason number two, we didn’t have to pick up our money off the floor. He had a maid come in and sweep it up off the floor for us and put it in garbage bags. You know, classy. Reason number three, not only did he give us unlimited tequila shots, but he gave us all vaccine shots as well boo. I got the one and done.

Michael Che: Ah! You got the Johnson&Johnson?

Pineapple: No. I got that Jackson and Jackson. See, Tido and Lataya, they got their own line of vaccines going on.

Michael Che: That is not a vaccine, Pineapple.

Pineapple: [looking at Michael Che] Oh, wait a minute. Boy, you look familiar.

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Pineapple: Don’t act like you don’t know. I’ve been to your apartment before. I did that pole split on your cow-printed rug. I was the one saying, “Mooo!”

Michael Che: No. Pineapple, everybody.

Weekend Update- New Dick’s Sporting Goods Store & Taylor Swift Re-Records Album

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Dick’s Sporting Goods logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dick’s Sporting Goods is opening a new experiential store with a rock climbing wall, sports fields and indoor wellness space. Unfortunately, they’re calling it “Hands-on Dick’s”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Taylor Swift has released an album of re-recorded versions of her album ‘Fearless’ which she first made when she was 18. Wow, that’s impressive because if I released a number of things I wrote when I was 18, I would be fired immediately.

[Picture changes to Tyler Perry]

Tyler Perry is developing a new TV series that explores the origin of his character Media, weirdly as part of his new superhero franchise, “The Averngers”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a house at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The house where Lizzie Borden murdered her parents has been sold for $Michael Che million and will be turned into a bed and breakfast. Though, a bread and breakfast where a murder happened is pretty much just Days Inn.

[Picture changes to a bird feeder and a bird.]

The CDC is warning about a salmonella outbreak that’s linked to bird feeders. Yet another piece of bad news for people who eat out of bird feeders.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Will.I.Am at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Singer Will.I.Am announced that he is developing a new face mask that will come with an air filter, bluetooth and noise cancelling earbuds. Or, hear me out, just get the vaccine, man. I like Will.I.Am, but if you don’t make another hit soon, you gonna be Will.I.Was.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Captain Underpants at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The publishers of the Captain Underpants books have cancelled the spinoffs of the popular series saying it promoted “passive racism”, which is not what I expected a guy called ‘Captain Underpants’ to get cancelled for.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starbucks has launched a new eco friendly program called ‘borrow a cup’ in which customers return their cup after finishing their drink so the store can use it again. And Dunkin’ donuts plans to compete with this promotion by not doing that.

[The picture changes to a map of Texas and handcuffs.]

Texas police arrested a woman who broke into a man’s house, stripped naked and in one of his beds. The man called the police when he realized the woman was not attractive.

Weekend Update- Matt Gaetz Venmo Sex Scandal

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Well, our favorite Florida congressman, Matt Gaetz is back in the news but this time it’s good. I’m kidding. It’s still the sex stuff. Matt Gaetz who looks like all the dudes from American Pie combined reportedly sent $900 on Venmo to an alleged sex trafficker who then forwarded that same exact amount to three young women in payments labelled ‘tuition and school’ which if true would make him the only congressman actually helping with student loans. But at least Gaetz is taking the allegations seriously. That’s why yesterday he spoke at ‘Women for America First’ summit which was a nice change to see women pay for an hour with Matt Gaetz. My favorite moment was when Gaetz pointed out how much support he’s getting from other politicians.

[Cut to video clip of Matt Gaetz speech]

Matt Gaetz: This past week has been full of encouragement. From President Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Jim Jordan–

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no. Did he think those were good character references? Who was next on his list? The ghost of Jeffery Epstein?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child get into a stranger’s van, denounced corporations opposing Georgia’s new voting law saying that they should “Stay out of politics”. Coincidentally, stay out of politics is also Georgia’s new rule for black people.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Former president Donald Trump also releases the statement urging his followers to boycott Coca Cola which is surprising because I would have guess Don Jr. would have problem with coke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden has announced executive actions to curve gun violence including new regulations against gun kits that you can buy online an assemble at home. Remember how frustrated and angry you get assembling a dresser? Now, imagine at the end of that, you had a gun. Also, I got to say. It’s weird seeing a guy who’s basically doing a Clint Eastwood impression be pro gun control. I mean look at him. [picture changes to a poster of Gran Torino with the face of Joe Biden] You can put him into Gran Torino and no one would know the difference.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of CDC logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC is facing criticism for it’s mixed messaging regarding coronavirus. You know what? I have to agree with this because all year, the CDC has been texting me saying I was eligible for the vaccine, but every time I click the link, it was just a picture of this guy. [Picture changes to a naked black man] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Gavin Newsom at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: California governor Gavin Newsom who asked his barber for the American Psycho [picture of Christian Bale from American Psycho appears], he has announced a complete reopening plan that critics were saying is just a distraction from the governor’s many scandals. It’s a move that has other governors asking, “Did it work?”

Weekend Update- Bruce Springsteen and Barack Obama on Their Podcast Renegades

Michael Che

Barack Obama… Chris Redd

Bruce Springsteen… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Spotify released the final released a final episode of its podcast, ‘Renegade’, a series of conversation with former president Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen. Here to discuss are Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen.

[Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen slide in]

Bruce Springsteen: Hey, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Welcome, Mr. President and and Mr. Springsteen. So, you two have a podcast together. That’s surprising.

Barack Obama: That’s right, Michael. Bruce and I thought it was important for us to come together and do a podcast about the big stuff. Race, identity, you know. Yes.

Bruce Springsteen: It goes down easy. It’s just two close friends having a conversation.

Barack Obama: Yes.

Michael Che: That’s very cool. I didn’t realize you two were friends like that.

Barack Obama: You know, we really were. You may remember, I was president.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah, and I played a little rock n’ roll music. [singing] On a board walk, yeah!

Barack Obama: Turns up, we got a good thing going. Me and Bruce got a good thing goine.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. It’s electric.

Michael Che: Really, I guess I can’t totally picture the two of you ripping on a podcast.

Barack Obama: Oh, we rip. You never know what’s going to come out of my mouth. I’ll rip right now.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah, let’s rip.

Barack Obama: I have no idea what I’m going to say. This is classing berry. Watch this.

Bruce Springsteen: Straight off the cuff. Yeah.

Barack Obama: Hey, Bruce. How you doing, man?

Bruce Springsteen: You know, not bad. I’ve been good. Yeah.

Barack Obama: I like that. That’s good.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. It sure is. And yourself?

Barack Obama: Can’t complain. You know.

Michael Che: That’s it?

Barack Obama: We’re just warming up.

Bruce Springsteen: Breathe, Che. You gotta little breathe.

Barack Obama: Oh, Bruce. Best soda in the world, go.

Bruce Springsteen: Sprite!

Barack Obama: Sprite? Come on, man. You can’t be serious.

Bruce Springsteen: I like Sprite. Sorry man.

Barack Obama: See, that’s crazing me. You can’t go around liking Sprite. You’re the boss. See Michael? That was totally off the cuff.

Bruce Springsteen: Not bad, huh?

Michael Che: I mean, not good.

Barack Obama: That Sprite thing was great.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. I think so too.

Michael Che: I don’t know, man. For such interesting people, it kind of sounds like just two guys talking.

Barack Obama: Exactly.

Bruce Springsteen: It’s a podcast.

Barack Obama: Come on, Che. You feel like the president can’t rip?

Bruce Springsteen: He can rip. He can rip.

Barack Obama: Check this out. Bruce, so, I’m walking yesterday, right? What do I see on the sidewalk?

Bruce Springsteen: Tell me man. Yeah.

Barack Obama: Bunch of strawberries. It’s piled up. Pretty unusual.

Bruce Springsteen: Whoa!

Barack Obama: I took a picture, sent it right to my daughters. No response.

Bruce Springsteen: Oh, come on. That’s crazy, man!

Barack Obama: Anyway…

Michael Che: [shocked] That was it? Bruce Springsteen and former president Barack Obama.

Bruce Springsteen: Give it up respect.

Weekend Update- Starbucks Turns 50, Naked Rock Climber

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Starbucks logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Starbucks celebrated 50th anniversary. Also celebrating its 50th anniversary, [cut to turkey bacon sandwich inside Starbucks] the turkey bacon sandwich in the display case.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: 15 million doses of Johnson&Johnson vaccine have been delayed following an ingredient mix up at the factory. But the good news is, now your shampoo might cure covid.

[Picture changes to Pfizer logo]

Pfizer also said that its covid vaccine is safe and effective for teens aged 12 to 15. “Well, that’s a relief”, said Matt Gaetz.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a soccer ball at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The US Men soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics for the third time in a row. But fellas, keep your heads up and remember that win or lose, you will always get paid more than the women’s team.

[picture changes to a rock cliff]

A New Jersey woman who posts pictures of herself rock climbing while naked says that it is not pornographic but– I don’t know, that rock looks pretty hard.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There a picture of a robot inside a plane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The airline industry is testing a virus killing robot that used ultraviolet light to disinfect planes. Not to be outdone, Spirit airlines just taped a glow stick to a roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked at April 2, a ferret and a jar of peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yesterday was national peanut butter day and national ferret day. And I celebrate both with a very, very dangerous trick.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Taiwan and a knife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Taiwan who thought her boyfriend was cheating cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet. I’m sorry, “Thought he was cheating”?