Category:

Aer Lingus

Brianna… Cecily Strong

Coleen… Saoirse Ronan

Alex Moffat

Kate McKinnon

Captain… Kyle Mooney

Maiv… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Brianna speaking on airplane’s speaker]

Brianna: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard to flight 192 from Dublin to Cork, making connections to New York city. Now, before we’re in the air, we want to go over some safety features on Air Lingus.

Coleen: Yes. But even before that, we know what Air Lingus sounds like.

Brianna: Yes. We can’t go through a flight without someone making an Air Lingus comment.

Coleen: You know, about the word that sounds like, nothing any more about it.

Brianna: And to the word we’re talking about, it sort of rhymes with Ronan and it’s about female bits and what she can do to em’. But we’re not saying anymore about it.

Coleen: It’s low hanging fruit, literally. And that is definitely the last we are saying about that.

Brianna: And the word was conalingus.

Alex: How long do you reckon we’ll be on the runway? What’s the delay then?

Brianna: I heard it was a dog.

Coleen: Oh, here’s the lady with the orange sticks now. maybe she has more information.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Folks, we’ve got a dog on the runway. It’s got sad eyes. So, we’re gonna have to wait. We’re going to let dog choose when he’s ready to move. It’s his will. It’s his story. Not ours. Do you understand?

[Kate walks out]

Coleen: Good then, right. Let’s do our safety presentation. Do all of you have your pamphlets? If so, just pull them out now.

Brianna: Okay, number one. Mind your children please.

Coleen: Yes. They need to be underneath your seat at all times.

Brianna: And toddlers need to be stored neatly in the overhead for the entirety of the flight.

Coleen: Whose dog is this? [pointing at a dog] Come here. [Coleen carries a dog] Whose dog are you?

Brianna: Oh! That’s the captain’s dog. [banging cockpit door] Captain. Panky’s out here.

Captain: What’s that?

Coleen: It’s Panky, your dog. He’s out here.

[Captain opens the door]

Captain: Panky, you’re a bad boy, aren’t ya? Ha-ha-ha. Thank you.

[Captain walks inside the cockpit with his dog]

Brianna: Sorry. Folks, that was our captain Piwi Riley. That’s his nickname.

Coleen: Yes. Because something on his body is giant and he’s ashamed of it. And that’s all we’re going to say about it.

Brianna: And that part of his body is his penis.

Coleen: Okay. So, now that you’ve met our captain, let us introduce ourselves. I’m Coleen.

Brianna: And I’m Brianna. In the back we have Maiv, and now she’s going to tell us a bit about the menu.

[Maiv walks in]

Maiv: We’ve got fingerling potatoes. We’ve got purple potatoes. And we got salmon. I’m sorry, I misread that. The salmon is also potato. Thank you.

[Maiv walks out]

Brianna: Okay, Maiv, get back to the back now.

[Cut to Kenan. He is holding a dog.]

Kenan: Um, excuse me. Will I make my connection to New York city? And also, here’s a strange dog that has jumped into my lap.

Brianna: And is he bothering you, sir?

Kenan: Not really. He’s kind of sweet.

Coleen: Aw, it sounds like you made a new friend.

Kenan: Yeah. So, am I to make that connection to New York? Or–

Brianna: You know what? Here comes the lady with orange sticks.

[Kate walks in with a dog]

Kate: Alright, the dog on the runway was the captain’s dog. I knew it was him by his soul and the information on his tags.

Coleen: Oh, that’s Mupes. Isn’t it?

Brianna: Oh, what a funny coincident? It was the Mupes, the captain’s dog on the runway. [banging cockpit door] Captain, Mupes back. Guess he was at the runway.

Captain: Who?

Coleen: Mupes, your dog.

[Captain opens the door]

Captain: Mupes? Wow!

Brianna: He was on the runway.

[many dogs run out of the cockpit door]

Captain: Oh! Oh my dogs! Did you see that? Oh my god! Did you see them run out?

Brianna: I will send them in now.

Coleen: Folks, as you can see, the captain’s dogs have run out of the cockpit.

Brianna: Folks, it’d be a great deal of help if you can grab a dog by the passage. We can just load them back into the cockpit.

Coleen: Oh look. Maiv’s got her fit loud.

WikiLeaks Cold Open

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Julian Assange… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with introduction video]

Male voice: May 17, 2017, Robert Mueller is appointed special counsel and tasked with the investigation of firing of James Comey and links between the Trump campaign and the Russian government. On covering numerous attempts by Wikileaks master mind, Julian Assange, to influence the outcome of the American election via contact with Jared Kushner and other members of the Trump inner circle. The targets pile Manafort, Flynn, Gates, Papadopoulos, possibly leading to the oval office and the president himself. These are The Mueller Files.

The following is the reenactment of events that may have taken place autumn of last year.

[Cut to London.]

[Subtitle- September 20, 2016. Parking garage beneath the Ecudorin Bmbassy, London, England.]

[Cut to Donald Trump Jr. standing alone. Julian Assange walks in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hello, Mr. Assange, I presume.

Julian Assange: Good day, Mr. Trump Jr. I am Julian Assange. I appreciate you coming all the way to London to meet face to face.

Donald Trump Jr.: No worries. As secure and off the record as sliding into my twitter DMs, I thought this might be safer.

Julian Assange: I trust you came alone?

Donald Trump Jr.: My brother Eric is waiting in the car. Not to worry. I told him to honk the horn if he gets scared. Now, Mr. Assange–

[horn honking]

Excuse me for a moment.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks away and walks back with Eric]

Eric will be joining us. Eric, this is Mr. Assange.

Eric: He looks like Draco Malfoy.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! That was rude! What did we say about making fun of people’s appearances, bud?

Eric: That’s dad’s thing?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes.

Julian Assange: The deal was, you come alone.

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, circumstances changed, Assange. Eric’s wife had to work, so I have him for the day.

Julian Assange: How do I know I can trust him?

Donald Trump Jr.: Hm, having Eric here is basically like being alone. Watch. Eric, what’s this man’s name?

Eric: Julliard Massage.

Donald Trump Jr.: And what organization did he found?

Eric: Ricki Lakes.

Donald Trump Jr.: And what does Ricki Lakes do?

[Eric looks around]

Eric: I’m Eric!

Donald Trump Jr.: Dead end. Trust me, your secret is safe with Eric.

Julian Assange: Careful, there’s a car coming. Don’t be seen.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Julian Assange look way. Eric waves his hand to the car.]

Eric: Hi!

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright, that was a little too close for comfort. Let’s get down to business. Mr. Assange, there is something we have been waiting for very long time.

Eric: McDonald’s.

Donald Trump Jr.: Told you, buddy. We are going to go there after this. Alright? I want dirt on Hillary.

Julian Assange: Wow, you’re in luck. Okay? I have some information about Hillary Clinton that might be quite useful to your father’s campaign. How does a treasure trove of Hacked DNC e-mails sound?

[Julian Assange hands an envelope to Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, thank god for wikileaks.

Eric: For shrinky dinks.

Julian Assange: Keep that in a safe place, alright?

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, I will. [Eric turns around. He is carrying a Minion back-pack. Donald Trump Jr. puts the envelope inside the back-pack.] This bag never leaves Eric’s side.

Julian Assange: Yeah, yeah. Now, if you think you are getting that for free, you are mistaken, okay? I”m not some dumb blonde you can take advantage of.

Eric: But your hair is white!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! Come on!

Julian Assange: It’s not white. It’s a platinum bob with a man’s front wisp. And what I want, Mr. Trump Jr., is to be cleared of all espionage charges. That would really save my ass.

[Eric whispers in Donald Trump Jr.’s ear]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric wants you to know that ass is a bad word. And if you help my father, I’ll help you. He is always loyal to his friends.

Eric: What about Chris Christie?

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, come on!

Eric: And Rudy Giuliani?

Donald Trump Jr.: No, Eric!

Eric: And mom?

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, do you want to play with your spinner thing?

[Donald Trump Jr. gives Eric a spinner to play]

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Got that at the airport. Mr. Assange, I assure you that your efforts will be rewarded. [Eric is just looking at the spinner and he doesn’t know how to play with it.] Eric, buddy, this lights up. That’s it’s whole thing. Look. [Donald Trump Jr. turns the spinner’s light for Eric] Look. There you go, bud. Yes, that’s what it does. [to Julian Assange] My father would never sell you out. Help him now and you will be repaid a thousand fold.

Julian Assange: Okay. Well, I think we are done here then. I look forward to working with you. And when I say you, I do mean you. Not necessarily Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Understood. Oh, and Mr. Assange, before we go, there is something Eric and I would like to say. Live–

Eric: Live. [pronouncing it as in living.]

Donald Trump Jr.: It’s not live. It’s live. Live, right? Do you want to try it? Let’s do it.

Donald Trump Jr., Eric and Julian Assange: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Staten Island

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this year 47 million people will travel home to get home for thanksgiving. Here with his thoughts on going home for the holiday is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Hey, Colin. What up?

Colin Jost: Hello, Pete. Now, you and I are both from Staten Island. And, do you plan on going home for thanksgiving?

Pete Davidson: No. I don’t. [Cut to Pete Davidson] It’s not that I don’t love my family. I do. But, at this point, thanksgiving dinner is just a bunch of people asking me what Kate McKinnon is like. And I honestly don’t know. She never talks to me. Plus, I feel like my hometown doesn’t really like me either.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Why wouldn’t they like you? Everyone there is so nice.

Pete Davidson: Of course, you say that. You’re like the most popular person from there. This is how they write about Colin in our hometown newspaper, the Staten Island Advance. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Colin Jost tees up. It’s about three weeks ’til election, but you could never tell by Colin Jost’s swing.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And here is how they write about me. This is a review of a Weekend Update appearance I did. [Cut to a newspaper article.] “The best part about this one was his interaction with Colin Jost.” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] No, seriously, it’s crazy. And look at the picture they use of you. [Cut to a picture of Colin Jost in a golf coarse.] Now look at the picture they use of me. [Cut to a picture of Pete Davidson drinking beer in a messy room.]

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Well, why do you think they don’t like you, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I have no idea. I mean, if I had to guess, it’s maybe something I said in an interview once, that I wished that when Hurricane Sandy hits Staten Island, it had ‘finished the job.’

Colin Jost: Yeah. I remember that one.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: You know, maybe I did cross the line. But when a reporter from Staten Island wrote about it in the post, here’s what he said, [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Keep talking like that and you will be sleeping with the fishes.” [Cut to Pete Davidson] That’s a death threat. In a newspaper! Who does that? What are you? The zodiac? And then he said … [Cut to a newspaper article.] “Try taking a cue from your fellow ‘SNL’ cast member Colin Jost. He’s also way better looking than you.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I can see how what you said might make you more unpopular.

Pete Davidson: Well, it was just a joke. A serious joke. You know, like, when you are joking but you mean it? [Cut to Pete Davidson] But I don’t even feel that way anymore. I would be just as happy if there was no hurricane and Staten Island just fell into the sea.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. [Colin Jost and Pete Davidson laughing] Take it easy.

Pete Davidson: No, seriously though. [Cut to Pete Davidson] No, if Staten Island– [Michael Che laughing hard] If Staten Island is so desirable, then why is it free to get there? And, no, don’t get me wrong. I know Staten Island isn’t all heroin and racist cops. You know? It also has meth and racist firefighters.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

[Michael Che laughing hard]

Colin Jost: I just want to say, what you’re describing is not the Staten Island I know, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, coz they love you. You know? Like, you represent what they could be. You know, a kid who got out, he went to Harvard and is now apparently according to ‘People Magazine’ is the world’s sexiest joke writer. [Cut to People Magazine’s Colin Jost page.] [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And look, the reason that Staten Island hates me is because I represent what they are. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You know. A mentally ill community college dropout who got a ‘Game of Thrones’ tattoo before watching the show. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost. Colin Jost is laughing hard.] Dire-wolves look dope! I don’t even know what’s going on. But hey, congrats on that sexiest thing by the way. [audience whooping] [to audience] Relax, okay? Let’s be honest, the sexiest joke writer is a really specific category. Yeah. It’s like being the world’s smartest horse. [Michael Che laughing hard]

Colin Jost: So, I take you’re not going home for thanksgiving?

Pete Davidson: No, I am.

[Everyone laughing]

Colin Jost: Okay. Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: What did I say?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!

Weekend Update- Jeff Sessions

Colin Jost

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week attorney general Jeff Sessions testified before house judiciary committee over Trump campaign’s contact with Russia. Here to comment is Jeff Sessions.

[Jeff Sessions slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Sessions: Hello. Hot potato! Good to see you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Good to see you, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: When I say ‘I do not”, you say ‘Recall’. I do not–

Audience: Recall.

Jeff Sessions: I do not.

Audience: Recall.

Jeff Sessions: Ha! Thank you.

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Jeff Sessions: Now, that’s a recall and response, Colin. My catch phrase.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Yeah. I noticed you said that a lot during testimony. Do you really not remember meeting with George Papadopoulos about Russia?

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, Colin, I’ve actually had some memory problems stemming from a childhood trauma.

Colin Jost: A childhood trauma? What was that?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, the passing of the civil rights act.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright. I’m gonna ask you some questions now, attorney general Sessions. I’m asking questions. Do you think you can answer then truthfully?

Jeff Sessions: Yeb.

Colin Jost: Did you just say yeb?

Jeff Sessions: Nobe.

Colin Jost: Did you meet any Trump surrogates with Russia?

Jeff Sessions: I do not recall. [whispering] You know I recall.

Colin Jost: Do you remember Mr. Papadopoulos mentioning the Russian government?

Jeff Sessions: Um, I do not remember him talking about Russia. [whispering] I remember everything.

Colin Jost: And you’re under pressure from president Trump to investigate the Clinton foundation. Do you think you’ll investigate.

Jeff Sessions: Well, actually, I do not believe that there is enough evidence at this time. [whispering] We’re definitely gonna do it.

Colin Jost: Okay. At some point, you actually have to stop lying because you are under oath. You know? I mean, you could go to jail. [Jeff Sessions stops moving] Mr. Sessions? Mr. Sessions, are you playing dead?

[Jeff Sessions has a tail. His tail is carrying a board that says “Yes”.]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, tail. That’s my possum tail. You ratted me out again. Get down, tail! He’s crazy but he’s family.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, with all this going on, I’m sure you are looking forward to thanksgiving?

Jeff Sessions: Absolutely, my cousin Linda from the possum side of the family just had a litter of nine babies. They are so cute. Oh, man, you could just eat them up. And we’re gonna et at least four of them. We go overboard on the holidays, Colin.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you very much for coming by, Mr. Sessions.

Jeff Sessions: Well, thank you for having me so much. And in collusion, happy thanksgiving, everybody.

Colin Jost: Jeff sessions, everyone.

Jeff Sessions: I do not recall!

Weekend Update on Senator Al Franken

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of thanksgiving turkey at left top corner.]

Thursday is thanksgiving and there is so much to be thankful for this year. Unless you are a human woman. [Picture changes to Donald Trump, Bill Cosby, Louis C. K, Al Franken and Roy Moore]

[Picture changes to Al Franken and Leeann Tweeden when she was a kid.]

Senator Al Franken is being accused  of sexual misconduct on a 2006 USO tour by Leeann Tweeden who posted this photo of Franken apparently groping her breasts while she was asleep. Now, I looked this photo. I know this photo looks bad. But remember, it also is bad. And sure, this was taken before Franken ran for public office, but it was also taken after he was a sophomore in high school. It’s pretty hard to be like, “Oh, come on. He didn’t know any better. He was only 55.

[Picture changes to Tweeden]

Tweened is also claiming that Franken has forced her to kiss him as a part of a rehearsal for a comedy sketch they were performing for the troops. Come on, man. Didn’t the troops in Afghanistan have it hard enough without having to sit through sketch comedy? I mean, people can barely stay up to watch sketches after Weekend Update.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Al Franken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And without even looking, you can bet that president Trump called out Franken and not Roy Moore who is accused of way worse by the way. But Franken is a liberal and Trump in more conservatives. And in this country, everybody has to pick a side except for me. I think they are all bitches. I don’t even know what side I would be on if I had to pick. I mean, maybe I’m a liberal because I live in a gay neighborhood. But then, maybe I’m conservative, because I’ll never want to live in a black neighborhood again. Also, why are republicans trying so hard to protect Roy Moore from this case? It’s not like he wrote the remix to Ignition. [Picture changes to R. Kelly]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeremy Piven at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: More than a dozen women have now accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault spanning more than 30 years. The allegations were revealed int hte shocking documentary “Entourage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of House of Republicans at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, house of republicans passed a tax reform bill. Republicans claim the bill cuts taxes for everyone, from multibillionaires all the way down to regular old millionaires. Like, Colin. The bill relies heavily on trickle down economics, but don’t worry, it’s only called a trickle. You’re actually getting hosed. How do poor people keep getting catfished into voting republicans? It’s like watching Forest Gump keep getting ditched by Jenny over and over again.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Ryan at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Paul Ryan also said the tax plan will increase take-home pay, grow the economy and sustain long-term opportunities. Increase, grow and sustain. Where have I seen those words before? Oh, I know, on those sex pills at the Deli counter. We already tried this tax plan in the 80s and it didn’t work. Just like I tried those sex pills at the Deli and now I have to wear fake eyebrows.

Weekend Update on a Cheating Scrabble Player

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: The association of the British Scrabble players has banned a star player for three years after he was caught cheating. In response, the player has released this statement.

[Picture changes to a scrabble board game with ‘Fuck You’ written on it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a man’s face at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in Arizona is claiming that he can relieve sinus pressure in his nose by masturbating. He first made the claim while police were removing him from the bus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Harry Potter’ logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The makers of Pokemon Go are now developing a similar game based on the world of Harry Potter. The game will be called “Harry Potter and the Kids Who Wandered Into Oncoming Traffic.”

Weekend Update Dog Clone

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a dog at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A company in Texas is offering a service that will allow people to make an identical clone of their dog for $50,000. That story again, for $50,000, a company in Texas will sell you a different golden Retriever.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Roger Goodell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly seeking a contract extension that would provide him with a salary of $50 million, use of a private jet, and lifetime health insurance for him and his family. That’s how expensive healthcare is. He is going to make $50 million a year and he’s still like, “What about the healthcare, though?”

[Picture changes to a man with very long mustache]

A man in India has set a new world record for longest mustache, growing it out to over 18 feet. It’s all part of his plan to someday die on an escalator.

[Picture changes to Prince Willian and Prince Harry]

It was reported that Prince William and Prince Harry will make cameos in the new Star Wars movie as storm troopers. Even more surprising, the whole time it’s been Queen Elizabeth inside C3-PO.

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Thanksgiving is next week and here with his unique take on the holiday is veteran stand-up comic. You know, he helped me out a lot when I first started. Please welcome, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bruce Chandling: Oh, hey, hey!

Michael Che: How are you?

Bruce Chandling: Hey, Michael. Good to be here. [delivering bad punch line] Now, where is the food, dude?

Michael Che: Um, Bruce, as you know, thanksgiving isn’t until next Thursday.

Bruce Chandling: No, I know. I’m just– I’m very hungry. We gotta love thanksgiving, right? I love the story of thanksgiving. Pilgrims come to America. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] They are on this big boat. But it’s not an easy journey. They gotta deal with the cold weather, cramped quarters, people getting sick, and worst of all, [delivering bad punch line] bad satellite reception when they are trying to watch the big game.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: I’m sorry, you think that pilgrims had TV but with bad reception?

Bruce Chandling: Exactly. The star of the show is the big meal, right? Coz I’m the corn on the cob guy. You heard about this? [Michael Che shakes his head no] [Cut to Bruce Chandling]You’ve seen this? You know, I can’t get enough of the stuff. But the Indians, they don’t call it corn. They call it maize. [delivering bad punch line] As in, maize i have a second helping?

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Oh, Bruce, man, I don’t like that one at all.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, what’s the matter, Michael? [delivering bad punch line] Too corny?

Michael Che: Hey, please stop.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, just 45 minutes left. By the way, you know, thanks for helping out a fellow comic. It really means a lot to me.

Michael Che: I think we’re pretty different, actually.

Bruce Chandling: No. Of course, the day after thanksgiving, they got Black Friday. Heard about this one? Seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah, I’ve hear of it.

Bruce Chandling: It’s where you got all the deals at the mini mall.

Michael Che: Mini mall?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Ay, the Mini mall. Personally, I think they should change the name from Black Friday to Black and Blue Friday. [delivering bad punch line] Because that’s how you are going to look if you get between me and the hottest toy.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Bruce, you’re not actually fighting people for toys, are you?

Bruce Chandling: Don’t worry, Michael. I ain’t. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] [being emotional] I mean, even if I got the toy, I wouldn’t have anyone special to give it to. I always wanted to have a little Bruce, you know? But I can’t. Because my body don’t work that way.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Hey, I’m sorry about that, Bruce.

Bruce Chandling: IT’s probably for the best.

Michael Che: Don’t say that.

Bruce Chandling: I wouldn’t even be able to take care of him. I can’t get a job. Don’t even know how to write cursive.

Michael Che: I don’t think you need to know cursive to get a job.

Bruce Chandling: The problem is, I don’t know non-cursive either.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah, Bruce, seems like you’re having a rough time. You know what? Why don’t you come over and celebrate thanksgiving with me and my family. How about that?

Bruce Chandling: Hmm. I guess. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] You know what they say…

Michael Che: Oh, dude!

Bruce Chandling: [delivering bad punch line] Where’s the food, dude?

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: That was the worst one yet. Bruce Chandling, everybody.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, still got 42 minutes left.

Michael Che: No. You’re done.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think he’s getting better.

Wayne Thanksgiving

Bruce… Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Chance the Rapper

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a clip of Wayne Manor in Gotham City in Thanksgiving eve’]

[Cut to the thanksgiving party inside Wayne Manor]

Kate: Bruce, the mayor once again thanks you for your generosity. Your annual Wayne Manor holiday food drive has become an important tradition for our inner city in these hard times.

Bruce: Please, whatever I can do to give back to the good citizens of Gotham is my pleasure.

Kate: Also, some of the people that you helped this year would just like to personally say thank you if it’s not too much trouble.

Bruce: Oh, of course not. I would love to talk to them.

Kate: Okay, wonderful. Right, this way.

[Leslie and Chance walk in]

Leslie: Thank you so much, Mr. Wayne. The food drive is a godsend. We haven’t gotten this lucky since the Joker hijacked the fresh direct truck and left it open in the projects.

Bruce: Well, the joker is a bad man. And we’re very lucky that Batman has brought him to justice.

Leslie: Either way, me and my son really thank you.

Chance: Can I ask him now, mama?

Leslie: Boy! I am not bothering this nice man. He has done a good thing. Let it go.

Bruce: What is it, son? You can ask your old pal Bruce anything.

Chance: Okay, Bruce, do you know how Batman is always so tough on crime?

Bruce: He sure is, son. And I’ll tell you a little secret. I actually know Batman.

Chance: Okay. Well, can you tell him to cool it down in our neighborhood?

Bruce: Cool it down? What do you mean?

Chance: Somebody’s gotta do something about him. I mean, he broke my best friend’s jaw in two places and all he did was steal a TV. That’s excessive.

[Leslie tries to shut Chance up]

Leslie: Malik!

Bruce: It’s okay, ma’am. Listen, Malik. Stealing is a crime and Batman doesn’t take crime lightly.

Chance: Obviously, coz then he zip lined him to the top of the building and then left him hanging for like, 30 minutes, 30 stories up on a gargoyle by his under wear.

Bruce: Um, well, Batman fights crime wherever he sees it.

Chance: Just seems like he’s in our neighborhood all the time.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Who y’all talking about? Batman?

Leslie and Chance: Yeah.

Kenan: Man, somebody has to do something about him.

Chance: That’s what I’m saying.

Kenan: You know, he broke my jaw in three places just for littering.

Leslie: For real?

Chance: See? I told you.

Kenan: Yeah. He did that back hand thing and like, knocked all my damn teeth out.

Bruce: Alright. Well, there’s a lot of other families that would like to talk to me, now.

Kenan: Then, he picked my ass up in that zip line thing. Sent me flying up like 30 stories on a gargoyle and just left me there hanging by my drawers.

Leslie: Why does he always leave brothers dangling from the gargoyle?

Chance: It’s weird. That’s my whole point.

Bruce: Look, crime happens really fast. I’m sure Batman has to make a lot of split seconds judgment calls.

[Chris walks in]

Chris: Who y’all talking about? Batman?

All: Yeah.

Chris: Somebody got to do something about him, man. Man, my car stalled out in the middle of the road one night and he came out of nowhere and broke all my damn windows. Snatched me out the car and threw me outside of a Best Buy.

Chance: Did your jaw break?

Chris: Oh, for sure. Immediately. It goes without saying. He just leaves me hanging there. I’m like, “Um, hello, am I even under arrest? Am I gonna get charged for something?”

Kenan: You know, he crashed a full plane on my street and then just walked away. I was like, “I guess my mercury bobcat is under here somewhere.”

Bruce: Look, I’m sorry.

Kenan: Sorry?

Chance: Why are you sorry?

Bruce: I’m just empathizing, like, I’m sorry for you.

Leslie: Well, I tell you what, I hope somebody kicks Batman’s ass.

Kenan: Whoo! I would love that. We should all jump him. The whole community. Teach him a lesson.

Chris: Yeah, yeah. Get all the baseball bats we can find and break his jaw for a change.

Chance: Yeah. Leave him hanging by his drawers for a change.

Bruce: I don’t think that’s a good idea, guys.

Chance: You’re right. We should burn his cave down.

All: Yeah!

Bruce: No, not my cave!

Chris: What?

Chance: What?

Bruce: Is what he would say, I’m sure. Look, I’ll talk to Batman for you guys. I’ll tell him to give you all a break. He’s not a bad guy, I swear.

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: What y’all talking about? Batman?

All: Yeah.

Chance: Somebody’s gotta do something about him.

Melissa: Oh, don’t worry about that. My cousin is locked up with the joker right now and they are cooking a perfect plan to get rid of him for good.

Chance: That’s what I’m talking about.

Chris: Whatever I could do to help.

Bruce: Um, so what’s this plan?

Leslie: Don’t worry about it, Mr. Wayne. You’ve done enough for us.

Melissa: Come on, y’all. I’ll tell you all about it. The joker’s gonna cut off Batman’s weiner.

Bruce: Not my weiner! Is what he’s going to say!

Sports Announcer

Dale Worthy… Beck Bennett

Chrissy Smith… Cecily Strong

Laslo Holmes… Chance the Rapper

Skjei… Alex Moffat

Tim Hayward… Mikey Day

[Starts with MSG network intro]

Male voice: You’re watching MSG network, home of the Knicks and Rangers.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith in their set]

Dale Worthy: Welcome back, Rangers fans. Dale Worthy here in the booth with Crissy Smith. It’s the end of the second period down on the ice and the Rangers lead the Oilers, 3-2.

Chrissy Smith: Our regular rinkside reporter Paul Hanley is out today on diaper duty. He and his lovely wife Joan welcomed their first child, a healthy future Rangers fan named Cole. Congrats to them.

Dale Worthy: Luckily, [Cut to split screen between Laslo Holmes and Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith] Laslo Holmes who usually covers the Knicks for us here at MSG is filling in for Paul while he’s out. He’s down there rinkside now. How are you doing down there, Las?

[Cut to Laslo Holmes]

Laslo Holmes: In a word, cold. It’s very cold all around here. I’m just playing. I’m having fun here at the hockey game. Lots of fun hockey going on. Lots of white dudes on skates running into each other at full speed. I don’t get it. No, I’m just messing around. Very different from working at the Knicks games. Much colder.

[Cut to split screen with Laslo Holmes and Dale Worthy]

Dale Worthy: Las, what’s your impression of the game so far?

Laslo Holmes: Well, Dale, the story of the game is one of the main guys on the Rangers, don’t know how to say his name. It has like thirty letters in it, none of them are vowels. He’s playing great which is crazy because he got in a full fistfight in the first minute of the game. But hey, as they say in hockey, let’s do that hockey. I miss the Knicks. I’m just kidding. Laslo Holmes, very cold, rickside, Rangers versus Oilers.

Dale Worthy: Now, Las, I wanna talk bout this Ranger offense.

Laslo Holmes: You should do that.

Dale Worthy: I meant with you, Las. Now, they came out of the box with an aggressive offense we haven’t seen from then in a while.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[Chrissy Smith takes Dale Worthy’s place]

Chrissy Smith: From down there on the ice, who do you think really made a difference in the first period?

Laslo Holmes: Definitely the hockey players, Chrissy. They were the ones who got all the scores. Then you’ve got the goalie, wearing every pad in the world and a baseball glove. He’s working very hard too. It’s so cold here.

Chrissy Smith: Hey Las, I see one of the players there. I wonder if you could get a few questions in.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes]

Laslo Holmes: Great. Um, let’s talk to him. [Skjei walks in] Come on over here, dude. Okay, I’m here with– can you turn around so I can get that name? [The jersey has ‘Skjei’ printed on it] Yes, that is S, a K and a J all next to each other. So, that’s a no. I’m here with my main man. And I got to know, in the next period, how are you going to do that hockey?

Skjei: Well, you know, we just got to keep up the pressure up and stay out of the box.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

Skjei: And we’re going to watch the icing calls. Coach said we were icing so much we could open a bakery. Ha-ha-ha.

Laslo Holmes: I do not get that.

Skjei: Yeah. But we really just got to play smart and keep moving the puck and avoid those five minutes majors.

Laslo Holmes: This man has said it all. Let me ask, are you also cold as hell?

Skjei: Um, no. I’m kind of hot, actually.

Laslo Holmes: Yes. I’m very cold. So that’s the story here in hell. Back to you guys in the booth.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith]

Chrissy Smith: Well, the story of the game has been the power play. Here with a closer look is out play by play analyst Tim Hayward who joins Las, rinkside.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes and Tim Hayward]

Tim Hayward: Hey, Chrissy. You said it, two of the three ranger goals came while the Oilers were shorthanded.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

Tim Hayward: Let’s take a look at one now. [Cut to the replay of the game] Rangers on the power play here. We can stop that. There is Shattenkirk at the point. And watch Buchnevic find that open ice in the middle lane there.

Laslo Holmes: Um, and Dale and Chrissy, it was here when I saw something that was very interesting. Can we punch in on that. [Laslo Holmes zooms in to the audience. Kenan is rooting the the game.] There is a black hockey fan. He doesn’t look cold at all. So, I will be talking to him in the post game show and find out exactly what’s going on there.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes and Tim Hayward]

Tim Hayward: Anyway, the Rangers scored a goal there. Dale, Chrissy, back to you.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith]

Chrissy Smith: Thanks Tim. Las, do you have any thoughts on if the coach is going to stick with his strategy of keeping those line changes pretty short?

Laslo Holmes: No.

Chrissy Smith: Alright. Well, thanks, Las.

[horn honking]

Dale Worthy: And there’s the horn. And you know what that means.

Laslo Holmes: I do not.

Dale Worthy: It’s time for the third period. We’ll check back in with Las later who will be covering every Rangers game for us while our regular rinkside commentator Paul is back from Paternity leave.

Chrissy Smith: Paul, we’ll see you in six months.

Laslo Holmes: Six months?

Dale Worthy: Third period starts now.

Laslo Holmes: When did we start doing paternity leave?