Category:

The Shoemaker & The Elves

Shoemaker… Louis C.K.

Kenan Thompson

Venessa Bayer

Wife… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a book “The Shoemaker and the Elves”.]

Male voice: After enjoying many nights of assistance from the magical Elves, the Shoemaker awoke to find an unpleasant surprise.

[Cut to Shoemaker getting in a room]

Shoemaker: Hmm. Time to see where the Elves have left. [walks to the table] What is this? This is odd, just one half done boot. This is not like them. Or family will go hungry.

[two elves appear in front of Shoemaker]

Male Elf: Master shoemaker, we are here to serve.

Female elf: What seems to be the problem?

Shoemaker: It’s just that this is not like you. I feel like you’re letting me down a little bit.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, no!

Male Elf: So sorry. That was not our intention at all.

Female elf: No sir.

Male Elf: Probably the best thing to do is to teach us some kind of a lesson. You know, so we get the message.

Female elf: Yeah, like some sort of punishment.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Punishment? Like what?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Whatever you think is fair.

Male Elf: It could be physical.

Female elf: Yeah, like some kind of physical, discipline…

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Look, that’s not my style. Why don’t I just say “Try harder” and leave it at that?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, so no punishment?

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: No! Just do better!

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: We won’t let you down.

[Cut to the wall clock ringing]

[Cut to the room after many hours. Male Elf and Female elf are sitting on the table. Shoemaker walks in]

Male Elf: Good morning Mr. Cobbler.

Female elf: Good morn to you.

Shoemaker: You guys, this is– I mean you’ve done nothing.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Oh, no! Are you kidding?

Female elf: We just won’t learn, will we?

Male Elf: How are you gonna handle this, sir? [Male Elf turns his butt towards Shoemaker to get hit.]

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Don’t do that. This is serious. I have customers who need shoes and I don’t feel like making them.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Totally! Probably cause for some physical punishment.

Female elf: Yeah, you must be so horny– I mean, mad! If I were you, I’d just grab me by my hair and shake me.

Male Elf: Yeah, and I’d tie me up over here and stuff a crab apple in my mouth.

Female elf: Then take a paddle and crack it across both of our rear ends.

Male Elf: Yeah, I think that will be a good motivator.

Female elf: That would definitely put a fire under my butt.

Male Elf: Speaking of butts, I wanna go ahead and just flop over here and see if it tempts you to give me the spanking I deserve.

[Male Elf bends over]

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Guys!

Male Elf and Female elf: Just try it!

Shoemaker: Uh! Alright, maybe just one little–

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt]

Male Elf: Ah! Harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Female elf: Oh, it’s gotta be harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Male Elf: Whoo!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, forget it! This is insane! You guys are starting to really make me…

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Angry? It’s completely justified!

Female elf: I guess you’re gonna want to go to the restroom on us now.

[Male Elf pulls up a plastic sheet roll]

Male Elf: I guess I’ll just unfold this plastic sheet. You know, to like, protect the floor but also to collect it just in case we wanna use it for something later. I don’t know. Everything is up to you.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I am not going to go to the restroom upon you. Now, put that sheet away. I’m beginning to regret rescuing you from that windowless cottage at the edges of forest.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: So, act on that!

Male Elf: Act on that frustration!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, elves. Come on! You don’t know how much I want to dominate you both right now. I so want to call you both nastiest of names I can think of.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Do it!

Female elf: Do exactly that.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to take my pants off and parade around in front of you in my underwear.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Great idea!

Female elf: I’m making so many pairs of shoes in my mind right now.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to make you call me daddy, then I force you to wash the kitchen floor with sponges on your bottoms.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: I’m ready!

Female elf: Into it.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: But at last, I can’t do any of those things. And you want to know why? Because I’m married.

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Husband!

Shoemaker: Oh, no! How much did you hear?

Wife: Enough to know that you must choose between me and the elves.

[Wife leaves]

Shoemaker: Well, you heard her. [looking at the camera asking audience] What do you think I should do? If you think I should stay faithful to my wife, text the number 1 to 18005550199. If you think I should sexually dominate the elves, text 2. We’ll be back later with the results.

[The End]

Summertime Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with two couples enjoying a picnic]

Kenan: Oh, gosh! What a perfect day for a picnic. It’s so nice out there.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I’m just so glad it’s finally that time of year again. You know what I mean.

Bobby: I sure do.

[music playing]

[Cut to Cecily and Bobby]

Cecily: [singing] There’s a breeze in the trees and the suns on my knees that can only mean one little thing

Cecily and Bobby: It’s summer
I can’t believe it’s finally summer
no worries or cares
just fun everywhere
it’s summer, summer time

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer
I’m so happy that it’s summer
no more days spending tired
it’s time to unwind
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton walks in and sits on the table]

Hillary Clinton: Hi. How are you?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

May I have just a moment of your summer? Hello. I’m Hillary Clinton. I’m running for president of this United States.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Yeah, but that’s not for a long time. Now it’s summer vacation.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! My last vacation was in 1953. I played one round of hopscotch with a friend. I found it tedious. I mean, why hop when you can march… straight to the White House?

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Well, this summer, I’m going to a water park.

Leslie: And I’m going to Spain.

Hillary Clinton: Well, that’s fun. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] And I’m going to fertilize a plant to talk of immigrants about the dream act.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to three three surfers with their surfing boards.]

Kyle: Dudes! The ocean looks so perfect.

Jay: Yeah, the waves are totally righteous.

Beck: They sure are. And you know why?

[music playing]

Surfers: [singing] It’s summer
the ocean’s perfect in summer
and this season’s my fav
let’s go catch some waves
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton comes in dancing]

Hillary Clinton: Ay, there, 18 to 25 year olds. How does it all hang?

Jay: What?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton posing in front of Kyle’s board]

Hillary Clinton: God, I love summer. You know, fun fact about summer. You know Bernie Sanders? This is his 73rd one! [laughing by herself] I guess the old age thing is his narrative now. Will you summer kids help me spread that?

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Um, we were about to hit the waves.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: That’s cool. You know what else is cool? In two years, I’ll be 69. [Cut to everybody] Do you like that? Bill told me to tell that to young males.

Kyle: Cool! We gotta go. I can hear the ocean calling.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: And I can hear the screams of a dying middle class.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time

[Cut to Venessa and Taran cycling on the beach]

Venessa: Honey, I think this is the best day I’ve ever had.

Taran: I never wanted to end, summer I mean.

[music playing]

Venessa and Taran: [singing] It’s summer.
Hey, it’s finally summer
we’ve nothing to do
it’s just me and you

[Hillary Clinton starts running by their cycle]

It’s summer–

Hillary Clinton: Hi. Hillary Clinton. Hello. I love that tandem bike. If you elect me, I promise to work in tandem with congress.

Venessa: So, you’re running on the beach in a wall suit jacket. Aren’t you hot?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, I’m hot… for America. And I will run until I meet every voter alive. And then this November, I shall collect my reward.

Taran: Well, the election’s next November. So, you still have another summer of this.

[Hillary Clinton starts running faster than the cycle towards the camera]

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Venessa and Taran: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to Aidy and Pete building sand castle]

Aidy: We’re gonna build the coolest biggest sand castle ever!

Pete: It’s gonna have a moat and everything.

[music playing]

Aidy and Pete: It’s summer
we’re so glad it’s finally summer
no homework or school
no teachers or rules

[Hillary Clinton walks n]

it’s summer, summer time!

Hillary Clinton: I love your sand castle.

Aidy: Thanks. It’s our dream house.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, neat! This is my dream house.

[Hillary Clinton shows a White House made out of sand.]

Right here. Look at that. Isn’t it fun? Why don’t you tell your parents to vote for me? Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Oh, they don’t like you.

[cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: What? Why not?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: I don’t know. They just don’t.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, what can I do moving forward to earn their vote?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Um, I think nothing coz they said they don’t like you, and they just never will.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] What a fun thing to hear for almost 20 years.

[Hillary Clinton destroys Aidy and Pete’s sand castle.]

[music playing]

Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete: It’s summer, summer time.

[Cut to Sasheer with her friends putting on some sunscreen lotion.]

Sasheer: Wow, the sun is bright today girls. Better lotion up. I’ve got my arms but can someone help me reach my back?

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: I can do that.

[cheers and applause]

Sasheer: Wow, thanks Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: God, I love summer.

[music playing]

Sasheer and Bill Clinton: It’s summer
god I freaking love the summer

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no!

[Hillary Clinton pulls Bill Clinton away]

Bill Clinton: I’m sorry.

Hillary Clinton: Billary Rodham Clinton, what are you doing?

Bill Clinton: [speaking to Sasheer] It’s my mom! Sorry!

[Sasheer leaves]

Hillary Clinton: We’re supposed to be campaigning, Bill.

Bill Clinton: Come on, Hillary. I mean, don’t you ever just wanna have one chill peaceful day?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, of course I do. I have the perfect peaceful day planned. On the final day of my eight years as president, my soul will leave my body, shoot into the sky and become an eternal ball of bright white light. Then, and only then, shall I know peace.

Bill Clinton: Holy mother of Chelsea, ha-ha-ha.

[music playing]

[everybody walks in]

Everybody: It’s summer
everyone, enjoy your summer
sand under our feet
non-stop meet and greet
it’s summer, summer time!
it’s summer, summer time!
And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Police Line Up

Police Officer… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Simon… Taran Killam

Kurt… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Louis C.K.

[Starts with Officer and Pete in the police station]

Officer: Alright now, let’s make sure I have this right. So, you were attacked outside of Ray Burn Players workshop theater on Thursday the 5th?

Pete: That’s correct, sir! I was just walking down the street and someone hit me to the ground.

Officer: Well, we think we got the guy but we gotta do a line up. They’re actually all actors at the theater. We need you to try to identify the one that robbed you.

Pete: Okay. Got it.

Officer: I’m gonna make sure I have this right. The assailant said, “Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got. I have a knife.”

Pete: That’s right.

Officer: [talking on the mic] Okay, bring them in.

[Cut to the actors walking in the room]

Simon: Hello, how are you?

Kurt: Hello.

Beck: Hi.

Louis: Hi, thanks a lot for letting us– yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Okay, each of you will step forward and read the line on the card. Number one, go ahead.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: Yes, hello. Hello. I’m Simon Backster Boil. I brought an extra head shot. [showing his photograph] If anyone wants that. I apologize. Little nervous. Okay.

[Simon starts acting]

[yellng] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Simon stops acting]

Was that okay?

Beck: That was great, man! You’re totally gonna get it. That was awesome!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number two, step forward.

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Kurt Hogar.

[Cut to Kurt. He puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.]

[Kurt starts acting]

Alright! Um…

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just say the line.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: I’m getting there.

[clears throat] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! [takes a puff of cigarette] I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Simon: Oh, wow! There was so much going on there. Bravo, sir!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number three.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well first off, love the script! So good! I’m sorry. I just need to know my motivation, be a little bit clear on that. Is this like a vengeance thing or?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Just read what we gave you.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Okay, I’m gonna go vengeance on this one.

[Beck starts acting]

Let’s make this quick, give me everything you got! I have a knife.

[stops acting]

God! That was so flat! What?

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Number four, step forward.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: I feel like this character is a woman.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: It’s not!

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Alright. Well, I can’t help it channel some feminine energy, but I’ll do my best!

[starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors clapping]

Simon: Wow! Wow! Bold! I never would have gone there.

Louis: Well, you know. I like to explore. I think gender is fluid.

Simon: Absolutely.

Kurt: Totally. Yes!

Beck: That’s true.

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Oh, boy! Well kid, any of those sound familiar?

Pete: I’m not really sure. Can I hear number three again?

Officer: Number three, again please.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [surprised]Oh, alright, great! Yeah, I’ll mix it up. Try something different.

[starts acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Louis: Dude! That was amazing! I love that funny twirl.

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know.

Kurt: We should write together sometime and make our own thing or something.

Simon: My friend Brian has a camera.

Beck: Well, one video per week? We have no excuses, you guys!

Louis: We can do like, a web video.

Everybody: Yes!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Gentlemen, please! Number two, again!

[Cut to the actors]

Kurt: Alright. Can I — Can I walk into this? I’m gonna walk into it.

[Cut to Kurt preparing to act]

[starts acting]

Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Brother, that was awesome.

Kurt: Really? It still feels so stiff to me.

Louis: Well, loosen up, man! Shoot a couple of vocal arrows.

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: Great! Yeah, yeah!

[Kurt starts gesturing as if he’s shooting arrows and making noises.]

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Officer: Ay! Stop that! Now, I need each of you to say the line one more time… as yourselves. No funny business. Go.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: [acting] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Kurt]

Kurt: [acting] [singing] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I’m not ready yet. You go. You go.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [acting] Let’s make this quick anyway! I mean, give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [acting] Okay, let’s make– [starts sobbing] I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can do this.

[cut to Beck and Louis]

Louis: [comforting] Of course you can. You’re crying, what’s wrong?

Beck: I don’t know. This character is just like really personal to my life experience. So, it’s really hard.

Louis: You know what? Use it. Use it. Just, use it.

Beck: Okay, I will. This is so hard, you guys. Okay.

[yelling] Let’s make this quick! Give me everything you got! I have a knife!

[Cut to Officer and Pete]

Pete: Oh, yeah! That’s the guy.

[Cut to the actors]

Beck: Oh, my god! I got it!

Kurt: You’ll be a star!

[Actors are celebrating for Beck]

[The End]

Louis C.K. Monologue

Louis C.K.

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K..

[Louis C.K. walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Louis C.K.: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, stop.

[audience saying something]

Um, hi! It’s a little early for that. Well, thank you very much for being here. This is the 40th year of this show’s existence. And this is the finale. So, I’m very honored honestly to be asked to host this. So, thanks and I’m glad you guys are here. Yeah, it’s fine. Anyway, I was born in 1967, and so I grew up in the 70s. So, I’m not racist. However, I do have mild racism. It’s the best I can do coming out the 70s because that was a very racist decade. People said racist things all the time and nobody got offended. The only time somebody got offended if you said something racist in the 70s is when they say like, “Hey, you interrupted me. I was saying something racist. Why did you..?”

So, I have mild racism. It’s benign, it’s not aggressive, it’s not even negative racism. It’s mild racism. I’ll give you the example. Okay? Like, if I go to a pizza place I’ve never been to before and it’s run by four black women, I’ll go like, “Hmm!” See, it’s very mild! It’s extremely mild racism. I’ll notice that. “Hmm. You don’t usually see that, four black women running a pizza place.” Unless it’s called ‘Four Black Girls’ Pizza’ or something like that. Like, that’s the whole point of the place. It’s mild.

Here’s another example of mild racism. If I… say I’m in a hospital and doctor comes in to treat me and the doctor is from China or India, I’ll think, “Well, good! Good! Good, more of that. Why not?” It’s very mild racism.

Here’s another example. If I’m in a gas station late at night, a young man comes in wearing a hooded sweatshirt, if he’s white I’ll think, “Oh, he’s athlete.” If he’s black, unless he has a big smile on his face, then I’ll become mildly racist and this is what I think. I think, “That’s fine! Everything is fine! Nothing’s gonna happen. No, of course I’m fine. Why did I even think that for a second?”

This is because I was raised in the 70s. The 70s were a very different time. The 70s, everything was different in the 70s than it is now. Except the middle east. It’s exactly the same. It’s exactly the same as it was in the 70s. It’s been the same fights. And you know what? It’s boring now. That’s the worst part of it! When I was a kid, we were like, [acting scared] “Err!”, but you can’t go like this for a thousand years. After a while, when you fight, people don’t care, coz when both of you just keep fighting, everybody’s like, “Those guys are dicks. They just fight.” That’s what it’s like.

You know, I have two kids and they fight sometimes. And when they first started fighting, I got concerned. I go in their room and I’m like, “Hey, what’s going on? What’s wrong? Why are we having some feelings? Can we listen to each other please? Can we please just listen to each other? Okay, you go first.” Then she goes, she’s like, [mumbling stuffs funnily] “Um, yeah, that sounds hard.” [mumbling stuffs funnily] “Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Now you. [mumbling loudly] Coz I like this one a little more, [pointing at the side where he was applying his first kid was] so I’m making– [mumbling loudly] “Hmm.” And they work it out. You help them work it out. But if they keep fighting, you stop dong that. After a while, you just go in their room and you just go, [yelling] “Hey! Shut up! You’re both wrong!” Coz they won’t stop fighting. You’re in a family. There’s other people in this family and you’re being a couple of selfish little bitches that won’t fix anything. You share room. We can’t afford another room. So, just deal with it.

Somehow, this has to do with Israel and Palestine. I know exactly. I remember how. It is coz my kids are like Israel and Palestine. And I’m like America. The little one’s like Palestine coz she always gets screwed. She always gets the worst deals. She’s like, “She threw a rock at my face.” I’m like, “Your fine! Look at you, you have a great life. You take a rock on your face once in a while. You’re fine.”

The older one is like Israel. She comes at me and says, “She burnt all my dolls.” I’m like, “Look, I can’t do anything about it right now. Your sister is crazy. Please don’t make me talk to her. I’ll work it out you and me, okay? We’ll go out. I’ll buy you a really cool missile and you do whatever you do with it. Totally up to you.

The 70s were very different. In the 70s, there was a child molester that lived in my hometown. And it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t like, “We got a child molester.” It was like, “Yeah, that’s the house where the child molester lives. He lives there, kids. Don’t be stupid, you’ll get molested. Just stay away from the child molester house. I know coz he did something to me when I was your age. So, just stay away from the child molester house.”

We really had a town child molester. His name was John Baptist. This is a true story. And he liked teenage boys. That’s when you would find out coz I was a teenage boy. He didn’t like me. I felt little bad. He was like, “Not you.” He wasn’t into me. But he would drive up next to teenage boys and he’d say, “Hello, would you like to go to McDonald’s?” And you’re like, “No!” And he’s like, “Why? You don’t like McDonald’s?” And then you’re trapped coz of course everybody liked McDonald’s in the 70s. And then I had one friend who used to get in the car. He’d be like, “Sure, I’ll go.” And he’d get in the car, go to the McDonald’s and eat a burger, and then he’d say, “See ya!” and just take off! And John Baptist was like, [facepalm] “Argh! I did not get to have sex with that child. I failed again.” But he’d always try. “Mmm-maybe this time.”

Because child molesters are very tortious people. They love molesting child! It’s crazy! It’s like their favorite thing. I mean when you — it’s so crazy coz when you consider the risk in being a child molester, speaking not of even the damage you’re doing, but the risk. There’s no worse life available to a human than being a caught child molester. And yet, they still do it. Which from you can only really surmize, that it must be really good! I mean from their point of view. Not ours, but from their point of view. It must be amazing, for them to risk so much!

I didn’t think– My last show probably.

[audience laughing]

Because– Look, I can’t key into it because I love Mount’s bars. I love mount’s bars. It’s my favorite thing, right? But there’s a limit. I mean, I can’t even eat a Mount’s bar and do something else at the same time. That’s how much I love them. Like, if I’m eating a Mount’s bar, I can’t read the paper like, [acting as if he’s reading the paper]. I have to just sit there with it in my mouth and go like, “Why is this so good? I love this so much.” And because they are delicious. And yet, if somebody said to me, “If you eat another Mount’s bar, you’ll go to jail and everybody will hate you”, I would stop eating them. Because they do taste delicious, but they don’t taste as good as as a young boy does, and shouldn’t– to a child molester! Not to me! Not to us! Coz we’re all awesome.

[breathes out]

Alright, we did it. We got through. We got a great show tonight! Rihanna is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Forgotten TV Gems Whoops! I Married a Lesbian

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Shae… Kate McKinnon

Tom… Louis C.K.

Mag… Aidy Bryant

Frank.. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Forgotten TV Gems intro]

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good afternoon and welcome to Forgotten TV Gems. I am Reese De’What. Today we look back at a ground breaking sitcom from the 1950s that attempted and failed to tackle the sensitive subject matter of homosexuality. Why did it fail? I do not know. That is not why I am here. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. The other day, she asked me to guess what she had done different. And I said, “I don’t know. Took a bath?” Worst date night ever!

Now, let’s watch a scene from what we’ve been talking about. Please enjoy, ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to the movie scene. Shae is cleaning the hall and Tom walks in.]

Tom: Honey, I’m home. What a day. Mr. Parker said I sold the most of anyone.

Shae: Oh, that’s nice dear.

[Tom tries to kiss Shae but Shae walks away without kissing]

Tom: Shae, I didn’t get my kiss.

[They sit on sofa]

Shae: That’s right, Tom. And you’re not getting it from here on out.

Tom: What re you up to?

Shae: I’m a lesbian now. Mag and I have decided. We’re both lesbians.

Tom: Oh, no, you don’t. I won’t have it. You wouldn’t even know how to do it.

Shae: Oh! Well, let’s make a bet. Give Mag and me 48 hours and if we’re good at being lesbians, we get to be it forever.

Tom: Maybe!

Shae: Mag, he said yes.

[Mag walks in with a briefcase in her hand]

Mag: Hot potato!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Part of the problem with the series was that it was written solely by male writers who knew nothing about the social issue the show was based on. Even the show’s creator claimed to have met the lesbian ones, but it was actually just a wooden drug store Indian. Here’s another ill advised moment from ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Frank and Tom]

Frank: Well, I guess the girls told you that they’re lesbians now.

Tom: Oh, boy! And how? But don’t worry. I have a plan to get them out of that guest bedroom and back into our’s.

Frank: Oh, what have you got in mind?

Tom: Itching powder! I put it all over their twin beds. Any second they’re gonna come running out of that bedroom and scratch on themselves silly.

Frank: And begging to go back with us. Tom, you are a genius.

[Shae and Mag walk in from different direction.]

Shae: Now, what do you want?

Mag: Yeah, what’s this? Itching powder?

Tom: Yeah, it was Frank’s idea.

Frank: So you’d stop being lesbians.

[Cut to Shae and Mag]

Shae: Fat chance. Let’s show them Mag.

[Shae and Mag are just touching their mouths with each other’s. They’re not kissing.]

[Cut to everybody]

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Let’s be clear. We here at Forgotten TV Gems do not hold the same backwards view of gay people. I myself love lesbians. I’m obsessed with them. My sister’s wife taught me how to body surf.

Let us watch the conclusion of the first episode which was also the finale to ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Shae and Mag. They’re holding each other’s one hand and using other hand to use the vacuum cleaner.]

Shae: Clean as always, my lesbian love.

Mag: I’ll say.

[Tom walks in]

Tom: Maybe you two do make a good lesbians.

Shae: I told you I could do it.

[Frank walks in dressed as a woman]

Frank: Well what about me?

Mag: Frank! Have you gone bananas?

Frank: I’m not Frank. I’m another lesbian girl. Now, give me some sugar mama!

Mag: Nice try, mister.

Tom: I guess I really did marry a lesbian.

[Shae and Tom start kissing passionately]

Shae: Wow, I may be a lesbian but there’s nothing like the love of a good man.

Tom: That’s my girl.

[Cut to Reese De’What]

The ironic thing is that the actor who played Tom later turned out to be a giant homo. [talking to the crew members] Is that okay to say? It’s not? You can’t win! For Forgotten TV Gems, I’m Reese De’What.

[The End]

Cabana

Venessa Bayer

Jean… Kenan Thompson

Louis C.K.

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waitress… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a scene in the beach]

Venessa: Honey, this is such a great birthday present. [Cut to Venessa and Jean sitting in a lobby] Are we hipping up to be here? I see women swimming in high heels.

Jean: Oh, you’re the hippest one here. And I think your fashion crocks are cute as heck!

Venessa: Oh! Well, I love you Jean.

[Venessa and Jean kiss]

[Louis and Jemma walk in]

Louis: Dude! No way! Jean. No way you here. Babe, I know these guys. He’s a friend of mine.

Jemma: [in bad accent] I think friends are so important.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: I’m sorry. How do I know you?

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: We were in that focus group together, you and me. For potato chips. This guy loved every kind. This is my girlfriend, Jemma. Say hi to them. Open your mouth and say hi.

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma. I just got bleached. My bum still burns.

Louis: Dude, that accent is like sexy, right? You know, I know you’re itching a pound your lady friend right now.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean being confused]

Jean: Well, she’s not my lady friend. She’s my wife.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: Babe, let’s sit with them in this cabana. So nice.

[Louis and Jemma sit with Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Oh, well, we just rented it us.

Louis: It’s for the VIP. It’s the only way we roll. Let’s party!

Jemma: Okay, babe! Come on! Remember your pace maker. Doctor told him he has a good chance he’s gonna die in me.

Venessa: What?

Louis: You know, she’s a singer. I’m her producer. Last year I left my family to become a record producer. Up-top, my man!

[Louis gives his hand to Jean for a high-five]

Venessa: Okay, we- we only have the cabana for another hour. So…

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Sing your song. What’s your song called again?

Jemma: It’s called Vacay.

Louis: Okay. After she sings this, you’re gonna want to bone your lady friend until her visor pops off her head.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: I’m not his lady. I’m his wife.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Sing your song, babe!

Jemma: It’s called Vacay.

Louis: Okay here she goes. Here goes the beat.

[Louis starts stomping his thighs for the beat and Jemma sings horribly.]

Dude, if you don’t need to cover your bathing suit with little umbrella right now, then I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Let me see. Stand up. Let me see if you got one right now.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: You don’t, do you honey?

Jean: No, of course not!

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Louis: Why you lying?

Jemma: I’m thirsty. Bubbles! Bubbles!

Louis: She means champagne. How hot is that, Jean? Trust me, the first time I heard it, the little tie on my linen pants snapped and it practically flew to Mars.

Jemma: Bubbles!

Louis: Where’s the guy? I need the guy.

[Cut to everybody. Waitress walks in.]

Waitress: Hi, can I help you?

Louis: I was kind of hoping it would be a guy.

Jemma: Bubbles!

Louis: My girl wants champagne.

Jemma: And shrimps. Shrimps and bubbles.

Louis: There’s like, four of us. So, bring us like 18 pounds of shrimp.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: That’s way too much shrimp.

[Cut to Waitress, Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: I want 20 pounds of shrimp. I’m famished!

Waitress: Okay, what’s the room number?

Louis: What’s your room number, Jean?

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Um, 285.

Venessa: Jean! Why did you do that?

Jean: Because I’m stuck.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: They should be in my video.

Louis: Babe, that’s just great idea. We want it to be like, super sexy real dudes just getting nasty with their ladies in the sand.

Jemma: Yeah, and just like shots of you two snugging. And I’ll be like, [singing] snugging in the beach on Vacay.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Venessa: No, we’re not doing that.

[Cut to Louis and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Girls need to feel sexy at all ages and sizes. Just have confidence! Girl power!

Louis: Dude! Our girls getting real tight. I wish you and I could talk like that. Why do you think we don’t?

[Cut to everybody. Waitress brings a bucket of shrimp and a champagne.]

Waitress: Alright, here’s your 20 pounds of shrimp, and your magnum of champagne.

Louis: Okay, can you get me like a little machete to open that with? Like the French dudes do?

Waitress: We don’t have machete.

Louis: This place sucks!

Jemma: Wait! These are tails. I don’t like shrimps with tails on them.

Louis: Well, how do you want to proceed? Well, I hate waste. Let’s give them to her.

[Jemma passes the bucket of shrimps to Venessa]

Jean: That’s fine. She’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

Louis: Yeah, we’ll watch your girl eat the shrimp and they can watch us fold on our backs on the pool.

[Cut to Venessa and Jean]

Jean: Yeah, get started please.

Venessa: Fine!

[Cut to everybody]

[Venessa eats one shrimp]

Everybody: First shrimp!

Jemma: Eat faster!

[Venessa eats another shrimp]

Everybody: Second shrimp!

[The End]

Whiskers R We with Reese Witherspoon

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Purr-sula… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Whiskers R’ We commercial set.]

Barbara and Purr-sula: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend you didn’t know you needed.

Purr-sula: Cat is an itch that scratches you

Barbara: A cup of love, a dash of Whiskers and a metric yard of fur.

Purr-sula: Cats are all that in a bag of cats.

Barbara: So, come on down for our spring cat-abration.

Barbara and Purr-sula: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew.

Purr-sula: And my name’s Purr-sula. It used to be Ursula but I wanted something that cats could pronounce.

Barbara: Many of these rescued cats come from the owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Purr-sula: Let’s meet today’s cat-testants.

Barbara: [showing a black kitten] For you royal family fans, we call this cat, Kat Middleton. Because she’s as lovely as a princess.

Purr-sula: And she’s good at producing hairs (heir).

[Barbara is laughing]

Barbara: Plus, her sister has a better butt.

[Barbara and Purr-sula laughing]

Purr-sula: You’re bad!

Barbara: I’m bad to the bone.

[Barbara showing another brown kitten]

We call this cat Peanut because he’s tiny and 5% of people have deadly allergy to him.

Purr-sula: I hope you’re not allergic to me.

Barbara: Cool it Purr-sula. We’re on camera.

[Barbara showing another grey kitten]

Okay, this cat is Sapphire. Isn’t she gorgeous?

Purr-sula: Look at that perfect little face. Wanna know her secret? Botox!

Barbara: I think she’s is going through mid life crisis. She tells everyone she’s three. Bitch, you’re four and half.

Purr-sula: I’d get botox if you wanted me to.

Barbara: We’ll talk later. [showing another golden kitten] We call this cat Majelen, because he’s a little explorer. His greatest discovery, his own butt hole.

Purr-sula: He’s still fun to pet, though.

[Purr-sula is caressing Barbara’s hands]

Barbara: Stop it! I’m on beta blockers. Okay, and this is [showing another black and grey striped cat] Skittles. This cat is a gift from god. At least that’s what he told the members of his cult. Don’t be along with him for too long or he’ll make you sever all ties with you family.

Purr-sula: He told me I could share his bed every other Tuesday. Little jack-off!

Barbara: This is Mufasa. [showing a huge cat wearing lion-like hair] He claims to be a lion from the African Savannah. But I’m pretty sure he’s just some nobody from Delaware.

Purr-sula: I’m pretty sure he didn’t go to Princeton either.

Barbara: [showing another black and grey kitten] And this is Bluebel. This little guy just showed up on our doorstep to tell us he’s a registered sex offender. He loves to hide things like, little balls of string, or cameras in your toilet.

Purr-sula: Oh, careful Barbara, you got a little cat drew right there. [Purr-sula is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Purr-sula! If you want shingles, keep fiddling, girl! So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We.

Purr-sula: Our policy is look it in the eye, you bought it!

Barbara: Plus, with every cat purchase, you’ll get a free all the cats!

Purr-sula: These cats are kin of like our children.

Barbara: Pump the brakes, Purr-sula. This is our second date. Come on down!

[Cut to the Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We, spring cat giveaway. See you there.

[The End]

Weekend Update Willie on Graduation

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost graduation which can be a bitter sweet time for a lot of students. So, here to cheer up anyone feeling down about graduating is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! What’s up, Michael?

Michael Che: How are you doing?

Willie: Hey, everybody! Boy I just love graduation time. No more pencils. No more books. No more breakfast. No more lunch.

Michael Che: I get. Willie, leaving school can be a very scary time for a lot of kids.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Oh! But there’s nothing to be worried about, Michael. It’s like my teachers used to always say, there ain’t a bus short enough for you, Willie!

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Then, you miss all of your friends?

Willie: Yeah. Of course I did. But friends don’t always exist.

Michael Che: What?

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Reminds me of when I went to prom with my high school sweetheart Lauren. I can still see it now. Two young, crazy, fun loving kids… jumped me in the parking lot and stole my car. But it’s like they always say, “Lauren set you up, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That really happened to you, man?

Willie: It happened to all of us.

Michael Che: No.

Willie: Well sure, [Cut to Willie] maybe I wasn’t the smartest kid in school, but I graduated. And I even got to give a speech in my graduation. I was so nervous. I had to imagine everybody was throwing tomatoes at me.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Why would you imagine that?

Willie: Because they were throwing batteries at me, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But it’s like they always say, “You supposed to be wearing clothes under that robe, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That sounds terrible, man!

Willie: But you know who loves school the most?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: My old dog Lucias. Yeah! He was the most popular dog in his obedient school. That’s right. [Cut to Willie] Seemed like there wasn’t one dog in that school that old Lucias didn’t run off to play with. They’d go play in the park, on the dog beds, or in the broom closet. But it’s like those trainers used to always say, “Your dog’s spreading Chlamydiae, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, it seems like you went through a lot and you still like graduations. I mean, none of these things bum you out?

Willie: Well, I do get a little down when I think about my old classmates. I never forget the last thing they said to me. “You locked us in here with the shooter, Willie!”

Michael Che: Oh, no! Willie, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Two Girls You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with at a Party

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

McKinsey… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The San Francisco police department is reviewing thousand of cases to see if the arrest were racially bias. Here to comment on this delicate subject are two girls you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at a party.

[The girl and McKinsey slide in.]

The girl: Namaste, Michael. This is McKinsey. It’s my bestfriend.

McKinsey: And fingers crossed, her step mom.

Michael Che: And what do you guys think of this police review?

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

The girl: What do we think of about it? It’s irrashable!

McKinsey: It’s reprehendable.

The girl: We’re in– And what? We’re gonna put body cameras on cops now? Oh, like, we don’t watch enough TV already.

McKinsey: And it’s like, Bruce Jenner is allowed to be a transformer, but our climate’s aren’t allowed to change? That’s hippopotamus.

The girl: Michael, facts, one in five homeless people are actually millionaires and they don’t even know it.

McKinsey: So, if you see section, say something.

[phone vibrating. The girl checks her phone.]

The girl: Oh, your phone.

McKinsey: Oh, yeah. It’s Tiger Woods.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Michael Che: Okay, can we please focus here?

The girl: Fine! [looking away] Amber!

McKinsey: Amber! Over here!

Michael Che: Who are you talking to?

The girl: Our other friend Amber.

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Yeah, we couldn’t find her earlier so we put out and Amber alert.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Michael Che: Okay. That is not what that’s for.

The girl: Quick, Michael. Who are you voting for in 2016 election?

Michael Che: Well, it’s pretty early but–

The girl: I’m voting for the Sudan. Oh, but I’m sure Hillary Clinton is starving kids too.

Michael Che: Okay, look.

McKinsey: Shh! Shh! Wait! We wanna show you a new game, Michael.

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

The girl: Okay. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

[The girl has scissors and McKinsey had rock.]

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Who won?

Michael Che: Well, rock beats scissors. So…

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Wrong. Justice…

The girl: Ties with peace.

McKinsey: So, the only loser here…

The girl: Is the children…

McKinsey: And the future.

The girl: And you, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Oh, wait! Tiger’s downstairs girl. We gotta go.

Michael Che: Alright. Two girls out of party, everyone.

McKinsey: Amber!

The girl: Amber!

McKinsey: Amber! Don’t die!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Social Media

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that one in seven couples break up because of their behavior on social media. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! What’s up, Jost baby? How you dong?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. You tell me, Leslie. What’s going on?

Leslie Jones: Oh, yeah. I’m gonna. See, um, here’s my complain. Couples are always texting each other and on Facebook. Nobody writes love letters anymore.

Colin Jost: They don’t write love letters?

Leslie Jones: Well, maybe you do, you sexy cream sickle.  Just wanna chump all the orange off and get to the cream. [Cut to Leslie Jones] No guys ever wrote me a love letter. So, I wrote one to this guy that I had a four year booty call with.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Four year booty call?

Leslie Jones: That’s what I said!

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: To whom it may concern. [looking at the camera] And you know who you are. I miss you. I miss you every morning when I wake up. And I miss you– I miss sitting in front of your house wondering why the lights are on. Love, Leslie.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Why are you still writing him letter?

Leslie Jones: Coz he blocked me, Jost. I’ve been blocked! Can’t call, can’t text, can’t poke, can’t like. [Cut to Leslie Jones] [yelling]And it’s driving me crazy! Which is why I wrote this second letter.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no, no, no.

Leslie Jones: Dear ass face! [Cut to Leslie Jones] How dare you block me? Coz you didn’t block me from paying your motel six bill when you lost your house. And you sure as hell didn’t block me from giving you that special thing you like doing halftime at sports center.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, yes. Sports center doesn’t have a halftime.

Leslie Jones: You know, I thought I was down there a long time.

Colin Jost: Oh! [shaking head]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: But I still miss your sexy foreign accent saying, “Leslie, you are so sexy Leslie. [making noise]”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s a person?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You like Fox News or sex? I know its all lies, but it just can’t get enough.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, so now, what are you doing to get over this guy, Leslie?

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Which is why I wrote this third letter… to myself.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Dear Leslie, what the hell wrong with you? You still hung up on this loser? You live in New York and you are on Saturday Night Live. You need a man who appreciates Leslie Jones for who Leslie Jones is. Tall, loud and phenomenal in bed.

Colin Jost: And humble.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost. Leslie Jones stares at Colin Jost]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You need to date a man who puts other people before himself like a bodyguard or offensive lineman. So if there’s any offensive lineman out there, listen up. I’ll be your Tom Brady and deflate your balls all day!

[Cut to Leslie Jones an Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Unblock me! Unblock me!