Category:

Sterling K. Brown Monologue

Sterling K. Brown

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sterling K. Brown.

[Sterling K. Brown walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Sterling K. Brown: Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m very excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is Sterling K. Brown. [cheers and applause] Thank you. And K stands for Katheline. Now, most of you probably know me from “This Is Us.” [cheers and applause] Thank you. Which is the saddest thing you can watch on TV other than the news. You know, I actually have reputation for being pretty sensitive. And what can I say? I’m an actor. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. But I promise tonight that I won’t get overwhelmed because, um– [starts getting emotional]

It’s SNL, you know? I mean, how lucky am I to be here? And on top of everything I’ve gotten to do in the last few years, it’s just like the icing on the cake. But, whoo! Get it together, Sterling Katheline. It’s all good.

But everyone has been really supportive. So, if you’re fan of “This Is Us”, be sure to tune in to the after show, “That Was Them.” Or a spinoff where all black family adopts a white child called, “This Us”. It’s really beautiful. You know, the whole cast of “This Is Us” is so close. It feels like a real family, you know? Mandy, Milo, and my mama, [getting emotional] and my papa.

[yelling] No! No, no, no. Come on Brown! Come on, baby. Whoof! Hosting SNL is a dream come true. It’s such a whirlwind and I’ve been happy just to be along for the ride and to the cast, thank you for making me feel at home. Like, my first day here, Kenan comes up to me. I mean, Kenan Thompson! He is seriously like one of my– [getting emotional] He’s like one of my heroes. You know. And he said, “I got this idea where we play sidemen twins that are attached at the butts.” I mean Kenan brought that idea to me. You know? [sobbing] I’m so honored. I’m so– I’m so blessed. Man! I’m sorry. Just give me a second, please.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie Jones: Starling, we have got to get on with the show. This is the thing.

[cheers and applause]

Sterling K. Brown: Leslie Jones, everybody. Queen!

Leslie Jones: Yeah, that don’t work with me. I’m a grown ass woman. Um, Sterling, you gotta stop crying. You are ruining you for me.

Sterling K. Brown: Yeah. I know. I know. But Leslie, I just got to say, you are such an inspiration.

Leslie Jones: Okay.

Sterling K. Brown: I mean, just think of how far you’ve come.

Leslie Jones: Okay.

Sterling K. Brown: Ay! You know, you are the funniest person on this show!

Leslie Jones: [excited] I mean, that’s what I’ve been saying.

Sterling K. Brown: You the best!

Leslie Jones: You the best!

Sterling K. Brown: I promise I’ll keep it together, you know?

Leslie Jones: Yes! Keep it together.

Sterling K. Brown: Because we got a great show for you tonight! James Bay is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Sasquatch

Melissa Villaseñor

Jackie… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Sterling K. Brown

Randy… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Cut to a video of jungle myst. The caption reads “It came from the woods.”]

[Cut to five people enjoying campfire in Chauncey State Park at 11:43 PM.]

Melissa: Hey, Jackie. You’re gonna sneak into Matt’s tent again tonight and get down?

All: Ooh!

Jackie: Shut up. We didn’t have like, full on sex.

Matt: We made love over the clothes.

[Jackie looks at Matt angrily]

[there’s some animal sound coming from the bushes.]

Randy: You guys hear that? [Everybody stands. Randy walks near the bushes.] Hello?

[Something walks out of the bushes]

Jackie: Matt, what the hell is that?

Matt: Randy, freeze. I think that’s a Sasquatch.

Pete: Yo! That’s Bigfoot. Yo, I gotta get a selfie.

Matt: No! Everybody stay absolutely still. I watch a lot of monkey man on Discovery. Apes feel threatened by sudden movements.

[The Sasquatch is near Randy]

Randy: [doing hand gestures] Me. Friend. Me nice. No hurt. Friends. Friends. Friends. Me, you, the same.

[Sasquatch punches Randy]

Oh! What the hell! Matt!

Matt: Don’t freak out.

[Sasquatch is putting his fingers in Randy’s mouth.]

Randy: Matt? Matt? He wants to put his fingers in my mouth, Matt!

Matt: Bro, just let him do it. He is establishing dominance.

Randy: Oh, they smell like dried poo. Am I gonna get sick?

Jackie: Let him, Randy. God!

Randy: Matt! Get the shotgun out of your car!

Matt: Buckshot will barely leave a mark on this thing. [calling the Sasquatch] Hey! [moves near the fire] Fire! Huh? Hot. Warm.

[Sasquatch walks to the fire]

Randy: Fire.

[Sasquatch burns himself, runs backward and beats Randy.]

Matt: Oh, damn!

Randy: No! [yelling] No! Me strong. No, me strong. Me alpha. [Sasquatch and Randy growl at each other] You go. [Randy pushes Sasquatch and it leaves.] Yes, that’s right. [to his friends] What you think about that, Matt? King Kong ain’t got nothing.

[Sasquatch runs in and hits Randy. Randy falls down.]

Oh, Matt!

[Sasquatch pulls Randy up]

Okay!

Matt: Just go with him, Randy. You challenged him. So he is shaming you now.

Randy: Matt! He is making me hold his part.

Matt: Primates do this. I think it’s very common, maybe. He’s showing how non threatening you are.

[Sasquatch takes Randy’s hat and pees on it.]

Randy: Oh! He’s peeing on my hat, Matt!

Matt: He’s marking you. The process has begun.

[Pete is taking pictures of Sasquatch and Randy]

Randy: Don’t post that.

[Sasquatch gestures for Randy to put the hat back on.]

Put it on? Oh!

Matt: Oh, bro. That’s not good.

[Sasquatch pulls Randy towards the fire.]

Randy: What are you doing? Matt? Matt?

Matt: Just let him do it, Randy.

[Sasquatch makes Randy sit near the fire. He is placing his butt on Randy’s shoulders.]

Randy: What is this?

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-h.

Randy: Wiping his ass on my hat.

Matt: It will be over before you know it, bro.
Pete: Randy, catch!

[Pete throws a baseball bat to Randy. Randy catches it.]

Randy: [pointing the bat to the Sasquatch] Batter up!

[Sasquatch punches Randy again. It takes the baseball bat and starts hitting Randy with it. Randy runs into the tent.]

Matt, he has the bat.

[Sasquatch runs to the tend and start hitting it from the outside. It pulls the whole tent into the bushes.]

Jackie: Oh, no. Randy. He is–

[Randy jumps in]

Randy: Right here. I slipped out the back-flap of the tent. He may have a big foot, but I have a big brain.

[Sasquatch runs in near Randy again]

Matt?

[Sasquatch punches Randy into the sky.]

Family Feud- Oscars Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

Guillermo del Toro… Beck Bennett

Allison Janney… Heidi Gardner

Jordan Peele… Chris Redd

Common… Sterling K. Brown

Sally Hawkins… Melissa Villaseñor

Willem Dafoe… Alex Moffat

Timothee Chalamet… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro]

Male voice: Celebrity Family Feud, Oscars edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in to the set]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Alright. Okay, now. Welcome to the Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar edition. Now, you might not believe this but I have never went to Oscar. My live show won a Black Tony award which in the industry is called Tony Braxton. Alright, today we got Oscars winners versus Oscar losers. [cheers and applause] On the winner side, she just got Best Actress for three billboards, Frances McDormand.

Frances McDormand: Thank you. Thank you. And for all you ladies out there, I have two words that are going to change our industry. Burlap dress. Thank you.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you the kind of lady who goes to a dog park and appoints herself sheriff. Alright, next up, he won best director for the “Shape of Water,” and let me see if I’m pronouncing it correctly. Gucci Del Taco.

Guillermo del Toro: Hello, Steve. It’s Guillermo del Toro.

Steve Harvey: Now, your movie is about a lady who gets busy with a fish.

Guillermo del Toro: Ah! Fish monster. Yes. I love my monsters.

Steve Harvey: And it won Best Picture? Man, that sounds like Wayne’s Brothers movie. Ha-ha-ha. Alright, next. She just on an Oscar for “I, Tonya,” and Im’ sorry but I din’t see it, this is Allison Janney.

Allison Janney: Well, if you wanna know Oscar, I have one piece of advice. Act with the bird. [giggling] Oh! Thank you, pumpkin. If anything you gave me wings.

Steve Harvey: Oh, man I wish they made tiny little Oscars for birds. Oh! Alright, next. He just won best screenplay for “Get Out.” This is Jordan Peele. Congratulations, bro.

Jordan Peele: Thank you very much, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Oh, man. You are so funny too. I loved you on Key and Peele.

Jordan Peele: Well, sketch comedy is great but at some point, you have to move on. You know?

[Steve Harvey looks disappointed.]

Steve Harvey: [clears his throat] Um, you do?

Jordan Peele: Yeah. After a few years, you just gotta do something more artistic. You know?

Steve Harvey: How many years?

Jordan Peele: Are you okay, Steve?

Steve Harvey: Oh, who? Who? Me? Yeah. No, Im’ fine, player. Yeah. I’m real good. I’m real good. Let’s go over to the Oscars losers side. Alright, first up, he’s a rapper who won last year for best song but he lost this year. Common.

Common: Yo! Yo! Blessings, yo! It’s an honor to be a part of this family. Like, despite our feud, we still put food on the table. Provide for the children, make sure their future’s stable.

Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Yeah. Okay, okay. Let’s just slow it down there, Dr. Martin Luther sues. Alright, next, she was nominated for the “Shape of Water,” it’s the lady that got busy with the fish-man, Sally Hawkins.

Sally Hawkins: Hello, Steve. [does the sign language]

Steve Harvey: Now, tell me. Was that fish-man actually sexy?

[Sally Hawkins does the sign language again. She looks like she’s blushing.]

Oh! Whoo! Swampy! Alright, next, he’s a best supporting actor nominee and he kind of looks like the Joker without the make up. It’s Willem Dafoe. How are you feeling Willem?

Willem Dafoe: Totally relaxed.

Steve Harvey: You sure?

Willem Dafoe: Yep. Just cooling out, Steve. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Steve Harvey: Ooh, you spooky little goblin. Alright, finally, he was nominated for “Call Me By Your Name.” This is Timothee Chalamet.

Timothee Chalamet: Stop! Come on! You’re embarrassing me. I’m so cute.

Steve Harvey: Man! I saw you in that movie getting busy with a peach. I guess a fish wasn’t available. Alright, give me two players up here. Let’s play the Feud.

[Steve Harvey and Common walk to Steve Harvey.]

Common: Yo, yo, Frances, this is a privilege.

Frances McDormand: Yeah. Yeah. I might be smiling but I’m not friendly.

Steve Harvey: Feel that chemistry cracker! Alright, 100 people surveyed. Name something that you do when you get up in the morning. [buzzer sound] Common.

Common: Oh, the first thing I do? Well, [background music playing] inspire, illuminate and multiply, teach our children the ways in which one amplifies our voices and out choices will glorify.

Steve Harvey: [interrupting] Alright. Alright. Let’s just buzz that. Let’s buzz them. [wrong answer buzzer] Man! You ain’t no rapper. You more like a Ted talk set to music. Frances, first thing you do in the morning.

Frances McDormand: Well, hmm. You know, as a woman in the industry, I got to doll myself up. So, I do my skincare regimen which is just straight up vaseline. And then I curl my hair using my own anger coz I’ve, you know, had it!

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me, “Some lady yelling.”

[right answer bell]

[The answer board has ‘Fix hair’ in the answers]

Oh, man! Number three answer. Alright, y’all got the board. [cheers and applause] Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Steve Harvey walks to Guillermo del Toro] Jasape De Tona, something that you do when you get up in the morning.

Guillermo del Toro: Our mornings are mysterious. When dawn breaks, I check my nightmare traps for monsters. [Guillermo del Toro drops his glasses] Excuse me, I dropped my glasses. [Guillermo del Toro leans down. Then he scares Steve Harvey making the monster face putting his both palms on his face. His palms have eyes on them.]

Steve Harvey: Ah! No! No! No! [wrong answer buzzer] Man, you are crazy, Del Taco! Alright, let’s go with Allison Janney. What do you do in the morning?

Allison Janney: Gosh. I don’t do much. I mean, I shoot an episode of “Mom”, then two Windy’s, then a commercial. That’s where there are no older women. Jobs for them in Hollywood, I took em’ all. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me loading up your IMDB page. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! Not there. I’m sorry. Jordan Peele, something that you do in the morning.

Jordan Peele: Well, right now, I’m working on a movie about Ben Carson.

Steve Harvey: Oh, really? What’s that called?

Jordan Peele: “Get Out 2: Wake Up Brother.”

Steve Harvey: Oh. Yeah. That would explain it. Show me, making a movie about the walking dead. [wrong answer buzzer] Oh, man! It’s not up there. Alright, Oscar losers, you got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to Oscar losers] Give me some answers.

Timothee Chalamet: Oh, I can’t say, man.

Willem Dafoe: Frolic.

[Sally Hawkins just does the sign language]

Steve Harvey: Um-hmm. Yeah. Alright. Common, you’re the team leader. Do you got an answer?

Common: Oh. Answers. They not up in some board, they’re inside us.

Steve Harvey: Oh, lord. Here we go. Here we go.

[music playing in the background. Common walks to the center.]

Common: Ay. From Martin to Malcolm to Barack and Michelle
we can make light out of dark and find heaven in hell

Steve Harvey: There’s like, church too.

Common: You’re your own future, just come out of your shell
raise fists, take risks, and believe in yourself

Steve Harvey: Just go to commercial!

Common: No, you have the power and you have the ability
everything can change in an instant

Family Dinner – Shrek

Scott… Beck Bennett

Claire… Melissa Villaseñor

Justin… Sterling K. Brown

Mrs. Reed… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a family having dinner at home with daughter’s boyfriend.]

Claire: [laughing] Dad.

Scott: Anyway. Moral of the story, don’t have a fender bender with the NBA’s Penny Hardaway.

Justin: Oh, wow. I can’t believe that happened, Mr. Anderson.

Scott: Call me Scott.

Mrs. Reed: You know, Claire’s told us so much about you, Justin. I think she likes you.

Claire: Okay, mom. That’s enough.

Justin: Oh, gosh. Well, I like that pot roast, Mrs. Reed. And I’ll tell you what. I feel like home with you guys already. You’re so much fun.

Claire: Aw, Justin.

Mrs. Reed: Well, we are– you are just welcome to stay as long as you want. Although, I will say we conk out at about nine. And occasionally when we get really wild, we watch a movie.

Scott: Yeah. We just rented Coco Pixar film. Just won the Oscar. Phenomenal.

Mrs. Reed: Yeah. Best animated movie I’ve ever seen. Hands down. Oh, and as per tomorrow we can just–

[Justin is laughing]

Justin: That’s a good one. Oh!

Mrs. Reed: Sorry, what?

Scott: What is Justing?

Justin: Oh, your wife’s jokes. She just said that Coco is the best animated film she’s ever seen. It made me laugh. That’s all.

Mrs. Reed: Oh! I wasn’t joking exactly.

Justin: Oh, com on. No. It’s Shrek. You haven’t ever heard of it? I’m serious, Shrek.

Mrs. Reed: Oh, um, yes. You know, I believe that we saw that one, right honey?

Scott: Um, maybe on a plane. Yeah. Pretty good. Is that your favorite, Justin?

Justin: No, Scott, I’m a liar. Yes, it is my favorite. it’s also the best. That’s just the fact.

Claire: It’s okay, Justin.

Justin: It’s not okay. It’s annoying.

Scott: We just like the Pixars. That’s all. Now, who would like some cran apple pie?

Claire: Ooh, I would. My dad makes the most amazing cran apple pie.

Justin: Sure. Whatever. I’m sorry, you have seen Shrek. Right?

Scott: No. We’ve seen it.

Claire: Justin, drop it.

Justin: This is hilarious to me. Myers, Murphy, Diaz, Lithgow, a murderous role of voice talent. Can you say the same for Coco? I doubt it.

Mrs. Reed: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess I just always found the whole Ogre thing a little off putting.

Justin: [yelling] No!

Claire: Justin!

Justin: You’re wrong. You’re wrong and you’re stupid person.

Scott: Easy, fella.

Mrs. Reed: My goodness.

Justin: Whatever. Screw it. What’s that dumb ass pie you were talking about?

Mrs. Reed: Okay, what in the world is this about?

Justin: I just doing like being bullied. That’s all.

Scott: Alright. Okay. I don’t think anyone was bullying you exactly.

Justin: Ha-ha-ha. Everybody laugh at the guy whose favorite movie is Shrek. He must be an idiot.

Mrs. Reed: Okay. Well, I do not think you’re an idiot at all. And I apologize if it came off that way.

Justin: Apology rejected.

Claire: Maybe we should just go.

Justin: Why? I’m having a great time. Are you not having a great time, Scott?

Scott: Oh, I’m not. And that’s about your tone, fella.

Justin: I can’t believe I have to defend a movie with three hit sequels and 4D Universal Studio drive. But let’s all bend over backwards for Coco, right Scott?

Scott: Easy, donkey! Oh. I’m kidding, Justin. Just trying to lighten the mood here. Do a little Shrek for ya.

Justin: Keep his name out of your mouth you dumb son of a bitch.

[Justin throws water from his glass on Scott’s face]

Scott: Okay. [bangs the table] That’s it.

Justin: What? Fight me, bully. Come on.

Mrs. Reed: Okay. Let’s all just calm down.

Claire: Justin, what the hell? You’re ruining the big surprise.

Mrs. Reed: What surprise?

Claire: We’re engaged.

Scott: [yelling] What?

Justin: Yeah. We’re getting married. So you both can eat my butt.

Claire: Oh!

Justin: And guess who’s officiating?

Scott: Who? Shrek?

Justin: No, you dumb ass. Shrek is CGI. What? It’s Puss in Boots himself, Antonio Banderas. Ever heard of him?

Mrs. Reed: I’m upset. I’m very upset now. And I’d like for you to leave.

Scott: [yelling] How the hell did you swing Antonio Banderas?

Justin: It’s called money. Everyone has a price. Even Antonio Banderas. What’s your’s? 30 bucks? You cheap ass!

[Justin throws water from his glass on Scott’s face again.]

Scott: That’s it. I’m calling the police.

Justin: Oopdie-doo, Claire. Let’s leave.

Claire: Um, I’m gonna stay. You can go, Justin.

Justin: Wait, what? Baby, what did I do?

[The End]

Dying Mrs. Gomez

Pete Davidson

Michael… Sterling K. Brown

Cecily Strong

Mrs. Gomez… Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Luke Null

[Starts with Mrs. Gomez lying on the bed sick. Her children are there to take care of her.]

Pete: Mom, we’re right here.

[door knocking]

[Pete opens the door. Michael walks in.]

Cecily: Oh, Michael. So good to see you.

Michael: How is she doing?

Cecily: Not good. But she’ll be happy to see you. It’s been too long.

Michael: I came as soon as I heard. I’m glad I’m not too late.

Pete: Yeah. We don’t know how long she has left. It’s been a long day.

Cecily: Hey, mom. Michael’s here. Paramedics just left. Oh, she wants to say something to you.

Mrs. Gomez: Michael. Come here, Michae.

Michael: Hi, Mrs. Gomez. What is it?

Mrs. Gomez: There is something that I need to tell you.

Michael: Yes, ma’am. Anything. What is it? You can tell me.

Mrs. Gomez: I- I never made it.

Michael: Never made it? What do you mean never made it?

Mrs. Gomez: [hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing.

Michael: Um, what was that, Mrs. Gomez. Was that a Nickleback song? Mrs. Gomez, why are you telling me this?

Cecily: Michael. I think she needs to rest.

Michael: Can you just wait? I need to hear what she’s saying. Mrs. Gomez. What did you say?

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Cecily: I can’t stand seeing her in pain.

Pete: No. It will be okay. It will be okay.

Michael: Mrs. Gomez. Please.

Mrs. Gomez: I… I…

[music playing]

[hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing
tired of living like a blind man
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me

[Michael is rocking his body to the music]

This is how you remind me of what I really am

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Michael: No. No, no, no, no. Mrs. Gomez.

Cecily: Oh, my god. Jonathan, get the paramedics. Quick. [Pete walks out] Michael, what did she say?

Michael: I don’t know. But it rocked. Come on, Mrs. Gomez. Wake up.

[Pete walks in with Alex and Luke. They’re both wearing their uniforms.]]

Alex: We got a situation here. Is this the woman who fell into the moshpit at the Nickelback concert?

Luke: Yes, it is. Everybody, clear the area.

Pete: What did my mom say?

Michael: It’s personal. Just back off.

Cecily: You can tell us. We’re her kids.

Alex: Give me the defibrillators.

Luke: Copy.

[Alex and Luke are getting the defibrillators ready.

Michael: I’m not sure you’ll be able to hear this but your mom said something really cool.

Cecily: Come on, Mike. Those might be my mother’s last words. You’re not gonna tell us?

Michael: Okay, fine. She said– Man, this is heavy. She said…

[music playing]

[singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing

Alex: Clear!

[Alex and Luke give her the defibrillator shock]

Michael: Tired of living like a blind man

[Cecily is rocking her body to the music]
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

Luke: I’ve heard a lot of last words, but your mom kicked the most ass. Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock]

Michael: [singing] This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am

Luke: Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock. She wakes up and starts singing.]

Mrs. Gomez: It’s not like you to say sorry

[Everybody in the room are rocking their bodies.]
I was waiting on a different story
This time I’m mistaken

Michael and Mrs. Gomez: For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I’ve been wrong
I’ve been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream
Are we having fun yet

All: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Mrs. Gomez: Oh, no!

[Mrs. Gomez finally dies. But people in the room are clapping for her.]

Michael: That’s Nickelback!

Alex: I don’t know why you guys are clapping. This woman is dead.

Doctor Love

Dr. Hodges… Sterling K. Brown

Shawn Wilkins… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a patient visiting the doctor. The Shawn is sitting on the patient’s seat.]

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Shawn Wilkins. I’m Dr. Hodges. Before we get to our exam, we have a few new questions to answer that weren’t on file.

Shawn: Sounds good to me.

Doctor: Alright. Fantastic. Do you smoke?

Shawn: Umm, no.

Doctor: I don’t like the sound of that “Umm.” Are you sure?

Shawn: Okay. I do smoke. But not that much.

Doctor: Alright. Any drinking?

Shawn: Uh, twice a week.

Doctor: Um-hmm.

Shawn: Alright. Alright. Like, four times a week.

Doctor: There we go. Are you sexually active?

Shawn: Yes. Like, seven, eight times a week.

Doctor: For real?

Shawn: Yeah. If I think about it, eight times.

[Doctor runs and closes the door.]

Doctor: Bro, are you serious? Swear to god?

Shawn: Um, yeah.

Doctor: Oh, damn. So, you up in it, huh?

Shawn: Um, yeah, man.

Doctor: That’s dope. Dope. Yeah. Alright. How many partners?

Shawn: Just the one.

Doctor: [loud voice] One partner? Eight times a week? Whoa! Do you love her?

Shawn: What?

Doctor: The girl, man. Your girl. Do you love her?

Shawn: Phrr. No. No. No.

Doctor: Wait. You don’t love her?

Shawn: Is this a medical question?

Doctor: You know what? Just never mind. Protected or unprotected?

Shawn: Unprotected.

Doctor: [squeaky voice] Oh, what? [smiling]

Shawn: Hey! Look! Can we just talk about why it burns when I pee

Doctor: Because pee is hot. Duh!

[phone ringing]

[talking on the phone] Hello. This is he. Who? Oh, the cancer lady. Yeah. You still got it. I gotta call you back. I’m in the middle of something.

[Doctor hangs up the phone]

So, okay. I’m confused Mr. Wilkins. You have unprotected sex with one woman and you don’t think anything is there?

Shawn: There isn’t. I already told you.

Doctor: Alright. Sure. I’ll lay off. I knew syphilis rotted the mind. I didn’t know it rotted the soul.

Shawn: I have syphilis?

Doctor: I don’t know, man.

Shawn: Doc, look, just let it rest. We keeping it casual. When we started hooking up we both said we weren’t looking for anything. It’s not that deep.

Doctor: You know what, man? You should get out of my office coz I don’t treat fools.

Shawn: [yelling] Hey, I’m no fool, alright? She’s married to her job and I’m focused on my tech decks right now. It would never work out.

Doctor: Not talking like that, it won’t. But I think the young man who came in here earlier, the confident young man who bangs it down raw dog, it could work out for him. For what do I know? I’m just some Harvard doctor.

Shawn: Look, doc. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you but would we just move on with the exam?

Doctor: Yeah. Yeah. Let me listen to your heart. [Doctor puts on his stethoscope] Oh. Oh, well.

Shawn: What is it?

Doctor: You’ve been hurt before.

Shawn: Yeah. Real bad.

Doctor: Mr. Wilkins, your heart seems to be saying, “Go to her. Don’t you see? This is meant to be. Stop standing in your own way.”

Shawn: I don’t know. I don’t know. What if she says no?

Doctor: What if she says yes?

Shawn: You’re right. [looks at his watch] Oh, man. I have to go now. She’s out her way to the airport. She’s moving to London for life.

[Shawn turns to the door to leave. Doctor stops him.]

Doctor: Not so fast. I can’t let you go, not dressed like that.

[Doctor pulls out a suit and a flower bouquet from his office’s corner.]

Shawn: You know. It’s true what they say about doctors. They do save lives.

Doctor: [looking at his stethoscope] I wonder how this thing actually works.

Black Panther New Scene

T’kana… Sterling K. Brown

T’Challa… Chris Brown

Oni… Leslie Jones

M’Butu… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with different comic clips of Black Panther]

Male voice: Black Panther. Now, Marvel Digital unleashes several deleted scenes. Our first find T’Challa on a spiritual journey to D’Jalia, the mystical realm of the ancestors. There he asks for wisdom to guide him in the impending war.

[Cut to T’Challa in D’Jalia. He is looking at the tree. T’kana walks in.]

T’kana: Welcome my son.

T’Challa: Who are you?

T’kana: Do you not know? I am T’kana, your great, great grandfather.

T’Challa: But you’ve been dead for decades.

T’kana: Ha-ha-ha. Only my body has gone. My spirit lives here as do all the ancestors.

[Oni walks in]

Oni: As will your’s someday.

T’Challa: Great aunt Oni?

Oni: Yes, nephew. We are all here. Every relative you have ever known. The royal bloodline stretching through all of time. Even those who married into it.

[There are other relatives who are in line. Then there’s M’Butu who is making barbecue.]

M’Butu: Alright, who wants some burger? Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, they’r gonna be ready in about two to three minutes now.

T’Challa: Uncle M’Butu.

M’Butu: T’Challa? Boy, I’ve seen you in a long time. What’s happening? Ay! Ay! Ay! Junior, you gotta take their plate at your lip if you gonna go swimming. That’s how you get the swamp mouth.

T’Challa: But I thought you were alive.

M’Butu: Oh, well, yeah, I was up until about two, three days ago, man. You now how my old lady’s one of them bald warrior women who guard the king?

T’Challa: Yes.

M’Butu: You know, the Dora Milage. Yeah, well, the other night I simply suggested maybe she wear a wig. You know? Just to be playful. I said, “Damn, woman. I’m tired of making love to Michael Jordan.” That’s the last thing I remember. Ha-ha. And now I’m here in what I guess is heaven. But I got one question for y’all. Where’s the weed at?

Oni: I told you, there is no weed.

M’Butu: Oh, you hiding it, huh? Um-umm.

T’kana: Uncle M’Butu is still adjusting. You can’t pick your family.

M’Butu: Yeah. T’Challa, look here. My bank account is running a little low right now. Can you spot me a little vibranium? Come on, man. I need a new ride. Everybody here is riding a war rhino. You know what I got? An ostrich.

T’Challa: I have no possession on this spiritual plain.

M’Butu: Oh. That’s right. I forgot about that. Man, what time of day is it? Man, I can’t tell. Everything is purple. Ha-ha.

T’Challa: [to T’kana] All of you live here in harmony together?

Oni: We do our best.

T’Challa: Often, we take the form of a spirit animal. I am a panther.

Oni: And I am a panther.

M’Butu: Yeah. For some reason, I’m a warthog. Probably coz I’m round and I’m friendly. And every now and then I eat a little trash. [M’Butu is holding a burger] Somebody have one of these burgers, man. T’kana, come on.

T’kana: No, thank you.

M’Butu: Come on, man. You don’t never eat my cooking. This here is lion’s meat. The goo stuff. Check this here out. [M’Butu hold the burger like the monkey holds Simba in Lion King.] [singing Lion King song.]

[After a moment, M’Butu takes a bite.]

Yeah, that’s still frozen. Um-hmm.

Oni: Uncle M’Butu! Please, T’Challa. What is your concern?

T’Challa: I am much troubled. Wakanda is in the verge of civil war. The Jubari are preparing to attack from the mountains. I am considering my first strike.

T’kana: My son, the Jubari are proud people. If you approach them with respect, they will return it.

M’Butu: Shh! Not likely! Ha-ha. Let me tell you something about the mountain folks, man. They are sneaky. And they all smell like goat milk.

T’kana: Um, M’Butu, thank you. I’m so glad I get to spend eternity with you together. Um, T’Challa, know this, for all of history there has been war. But only once in a while in a generation are there men who will come together– [M’Butu puts the burger in T’kana’s mouth] No! No, thank you.

M’Butu: You wanna taste it?

T’kana: No, thank you. Once in a generation, there are men who are committed–

M’Butu: [putting burger in T’kana’s mouth again] This is baby lion.

T’kana: I said no. No. Committed to peace.

M’Butu: Come on. Try a little bit. [M’Butu rubs the burger all over T’kana’s mouth.]

T’kana: I don’t want it!

M’Butu: I’m sorry, man. I’ll back off. But hey, T’Challa, stick around, man. You know what happens when you go away. We just sit here. Yeah. They all turn into panthers. I turn into a warthog again. And then they all start hunting me, man, because all they see is bacon. It’s hard. Help me out. Just for the weekend.

T’Challa: Oh! Here, have a komoyo bead.

M’Butu: Oh! That’s nice. Yeah. That’s real nice. You know, two would be nicer.

T’Challa: No

M’Butu: Alright. Well, you alright with me, T’Challa. Come on, y’all, let’s party, man! Somebody play my music.

[music playing. The other relatives come close to the barbecue and start dancing with M’Butu.]

T’Challa: [to T’kana] Perhaps, I should return to seek guidance for my people.

T’kana: No. Stay. He’s worse when he’s a warthog.

M’Butu: Man, for real. What time of day is it? I don’t know.

 

Bachelor Finale Cold Open

Alex Moffat

Becca K. … Cecily Strong

Robert Mueller… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with The Bachelor Live intro]

[Cut to The Bachelor stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Alex: Welcome back to the shocking live finale of Bachelor. We’ve all been on this journey together. Watching the drama unfold, what you’re about to see is completely unedited. Becca has no idea what’s coming. And fair warning, it’s hard to watch.

[Cut to Becca]

Becca: So, today I’m very excited. The past few months have been such a whirlwind. But I finally feel like I’m in a place where I can see the future so clearly. I just want to get to the point where this is all over and life feels back to normal. I’m excited to see him.

[Cut to Becca waiting for the someone.]

[door knocking]

[Robert Mueller walks in]

Robert Mueller: Hey!

Becca: Bob!

Robert Mueller: How are you?

Becca: You look good.

Robert Mueller: It’s okay.

Becca: What’s going on? How are you doing?

Robert Mueller: Can I talk to you a little bit? Here sit. [Becca and Robert Mueller sit down] Um, oh my gosh. What’s that? [pointing at Becca’s hand]

Becca: Oh, I know. My tattoo.

Robert Mueller: No, no. I like it.

Becca: I can be so nervous.

Robert Mueller: I know.

Becca: What’s up?

Robert Mueller: Okay. Where do I start this conversation? Um, so, you know that I’ve been struggling a little bit over the last few months. Just like, trying to figure this whole thing out and like, grasp and everything. And the reality is that I don’t think that I can give you everything that you want right now. You know? And I think you’ve sensed that.

Becca: So, what? You don’t have Trump on collusion?

Robert Mueller: Well, I just– Um, I think I need to explore the possibility that I might have a stronger case with some other stuff.

Becca: I can’t [beep] believe this.

Robert Mueller: I know. Well, I’m just– I’m trying to be honest with you and tell you I can’t commit to collusion right now.

Becca: But you indicted 13 Russians and like, everything that happened in Seychelles, that means nothing?

Robert Mueller: No. No. I mean, the Seychelles were amazing and like, it’s definitely something. It’s just like the more time that goes by, the more that I keep thinking about obstruction.

Becca: This is so [bleep] embarrassing. Collusion is literally the only thing I’ve been looking forward to for the past year.

Robert Mueller: I know. But just at this point, I honestly feel like I’m only half in with collusion.

Becca: So what? You’re gonna be half in with obstruction?

Robert Mueller: No.

Becca: Oh, my [bleep] . Okay, I’m done.

[Becca stands and leaves. Robert Mueller follows her. Becca starts packing.]

No! I don’t–

Robert Mueller: No, no. Um, you can stay. I’m gonna go. So…

Becca: I’m not gonna give you a hug goodbye.

Robert Mueller: I know.

Becca: I was ready, Bob. I was ready to do the damn thing.

Robert Mueller: I know. Do you want a few minutes to yourself? Or do you just want me to go?

Becca: I want you to go.

Robert Mueller: Okay.

[Robert Mueller walks out. Becca gets in the bathroom. She is crying. Robert Mueller walks in agin. He knocks the bathroom door.]

Hey, are you okay?

Becca: Just leave. What are you still doing here? Just go.

[Robert Mueller walks out of the room and sits on the sofa. Becca walks out of the room to talk to Robert Mueller.]

So that’s it? He just gonna be president?

Robert Mueller: I honest– I don’t know how to answer that.

Becca: [bleep]

Robert Mueller: Can you just like– Can you just come talk to me for like, two minutes please?

[Becca sits on the sofa too.]

Becca: I let my walls down for you.

Robert Mueller: I know. And I love that.

Becca: Oh my god. So I have to wait two more years for him to be out of office?

Robert Mueller: Honestly, probably six.

Becca: [bleep] Well, at least you finally got to see me cry.

Robert Mueller: I’m so sorry.

Becca: So, Stormy Daniels. That’s nothing?

Robert Mueller: No, I mean that’s definitely fun. It’s just not what I’m doing.

Becca: Do you have any good news for me?

Robert Mueller: Do you own American Steel? [Becca shakes her head no] Then no. I don’t–

Becca: Just leave.

Robert Mueller: Okay. I’m gonna go. I feel like we just need to come together as a country right now. Like, stop hoping for things that might not happen.

Becca: Honestly, you have to get out.

Robert Mueller: Okay. I’m gonna go. [hesitating to leave] I mean, it would be Pence. Do you want Pence?

Becca: Get out!

Robert Mueller: Okay. [Robert Mueller walks away. Becca is sobbing. But after few seconds, Robert Mueller walks to Becca again.] Look, if it makes you feel any better, the Kush is cooked and also you’re the next Bachelorette.

Becca: Oh! Oh, that’s great. Well, I’m fine.

Becca and Robert Mueller: And live from New York it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Leslie Jones on the 2018 Winter Olympics

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Hilary Knight

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Winter Olympics ended this Sunday. Here to give her firsthand report is SNL’s number one Olympics fan, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in. He is wearing USA jersey.]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Wooo! What’s up? Yeah! How are you doing?

Colin Jost: I’m doing good, Leslie. So you actually went to Pyeongchang. How was Korea?

Leslie Jones: Oh, my god! It was so awesome! I am a 6 foot black woman. You think I stand out in America? Everybody in Korea was 4 foot 1. They either thought I was an athlete or a god. Some of them thought I was a transformer but transformer don’t eat Korean barbecue like that. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: So, you enjoyed the Winter Olympics?

Leslie Jones: Man, I loved it, Colin. And I didn’t think I would. Until this year, honestly, I wasn’t into the winter ones as much as the summer. But once I got to Korea, I fell in love with the events. I mean, I got to see Jamie Anderson out there riding the hash pipe. I mean–

Colin Jost: [interrupting] I think it’s actually–

Leslie Jones: [interrupting] You don’t know! Shut up! Shut up. You don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure its a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: I’m the expert.

Colin Jost: It’s a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: Whatever.

Colin Jost: And you didn’t like the bobsledding?

Leslie Jones: Woo! Yes, lord. I sure loved the Bob Sledus. That’s a man! Whoo! Those thighs were so nice for my eyes. But it turned out that my favorite event was hockey. How come nobody told me about hockey? It’s violence on ice. They punching and checking bitches at 30 miles an hour. [shouts] And did you know they got this thing called the penalty box? They send you there after you chunk a bitch. Ha-ha-ha.

Let me tell you something. If I play hockey, they will call me Penalty Box Jones. Coz that’s where I will be the whole game. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American team is bringing in Penalty Box Jones. Oh, my god! Can she do that? She doesn’t even have on skates. Is that legal?” Colin, I love hockey.

Colin Jost: Great. That’s wonderful.

Leslie Jones: And the women are better than the men. That’s right. I said it. I said it. [audience whooping] They won the gold medal on a shootout. And this woman who did a straight pot lock move was like [doing the moves] clack, clack, clow, clow. I was like, “Yo! I didn’t know you can do that.”

Colin Jost: I did not think that you’ be a hockey fan. You know, we should go sometimes to a game.

Leslie Jones: [touching Colin’s shoulder] Oh, you like hockey snow muffin?

Colin Jost: I actually play a little bit of hockey growing up. Maybe I can teach you a couple of moves. You know?

Leslie Jones: [laughing] You is so white. And you shine pretty confident. I already got a friend who said she’d give me a few pointers. Ay, Hillary.

[Hilary Knight slides in. She is wearing her hockey jersey and a gold medal.]

[cheers and applause]

Yes, Colin! This is Hilary Knight. She just won the gold medal for the US women’s hockey team. [cheers and applause] Yes!

Colin Jost: Hi, Hillary. Contratulations.

Hilary Knight: Thank you. Um, I heard you played hockey growing up and you’re gonna show some moves.

[Leslie Jones is putting her ear near Colin Jost’s mouth]

Colin Jost: What? I– Well, I mean I played recreational. I don’t think I could teach you anything.

Hilary Knight: I’d love to see something.

Leslie Jones: Oh! I would love to see you try. I’d love to see you try. Ha-ha-ha-ha. So, don’t be talking about how you gonna teach me something. I got friends who are gold medal Olympians.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Get it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I got it.

Leslie Jones: Do you, Colin? Do you got it? Do you got it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think I got it.

Leslie Jones: Um, let me ask you a question. Uh, Hillary, do this with me.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run the world?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: That’s right.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run this mother?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. Hillary, tell Colin what I told you to tell him.

Hilary Knight: Colin, you’s a bitch!

[Leslie Jones laughing hard]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: [to audience] Why would you clap? Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: We got all your medals, y’all. Yes!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update- Kyle Mooney

Michael Che

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The Academy Awards are tomorrow. Here to break everything down is resident movie buff, Kyle Mooney.

[Kyle Mooney slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Kyle Mooney: What’s up, Mike? Oscar Sunday! Let’s do this! Yay!

Michael Che: Ah! You seem pretty excited.

Kyle Mooney: Of course, man. Everybody all dressed up. It’s going down! [loud voice] Big Mike!

Michael Che: No one calls me that.

Kyle Mooney: Ha-ha. Mike, Colin, me, the boys. But um, what’s the plan on Sunday? Where are we gonna watch the the big show?

[Colin Jost and Michael Che looks confused]

Michael Che: Oh! Actually, we don’t know yet.

Colin Jost: Don’t.

Michael Che: [awkwardly] I’m still trying to figure out what I’m gonna do. Hey, who do you got for best picture this year?

Kyle Mooney: I’ll get to that. But, what about you, Colin? Don’t you usually do like, a big Oscar party, like, every year or something?

Colin Jost: What’s that? No. Sometimes. No. I’m actually not sure yet.

Kyle Mooney: Really? Coz I thought I heard some people saying you might be doing a big thing this year. That’s not going down no more?

Colin Jost: I mean, I guess I was thinking about doing something but I don’t know if it’s really gonna come together.

Kyle Mooney: Okay. [looking disappointed] Um, coz you like– Ha-ha. Coz you like– You wouldn’t just not invite me, right?

Colin Jost: What? No. If I was doing one, you would definitely be there. You’d be invited for sure.

Kyle Mooney: Dope! Alright. Let’s just do it at my place coz Michael, you said you for sure don’t have any plans yet. Right?

Michael Che: I said that? [looks at Colin]

Colin Jost: Please don’t tell him.

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what’s that?

Colin Jost: What’s that? No. Che and I were talking. We gotta figure something out later.

Kyle Mooney: Okay, how about we figure this out right now? So, Big Mike, what time are we thinking? Like, 10 AM start? I think my brother and his girl might roll over too. She actually might bring her boss.

Michael Che: So the group would be you, your brother, his girlfriend and her boss?

Kyle Mooney: Hell, yeah! And then, you and Colin. Since you guys don’t have plans.

Michael Che: [to Colin] We have to–

Kyle Mooney: Right?

Michael Che: [to Colin] We gotta tell him.

Kyle Mooney: Coz, I gotta be honest, I’m starting to think that maybe Colin is having a party and he’s not inviting me because you guys don’t like me. [Colin Jost and Michael Che are silent] I mean, this kind of feels like middle school where people would be fake to me because I didn’t wear named brand shoes. Is that the problem? That I don’t wear name brand shoes?

Colin Jost: No.

Michael Che: No.

Colin Jost: It’s definitely not.

Kyle Mooney: Okay. Well, then what is it? Say it to my face. Or invite me to your party. Oh, wait! I guess the party isn’t happening anymore even though I just found this?

[Kyle Mooney shows a flyer. It’s Colin’s Big Oscar Party flyer.]

Colin Jost: Alright, fine. Kyle, I’m sorry. I’m throwing a party. It’s just that you and I are not that close and I couldn’t invite everyone. Okay? I’m sorry, man.

Kyle Mooney: Okay. And you’re positive it has nothing to do with my shoes?

[Kyle Mooney puts his shoes on the desk. It has all the branding names wrong.]

Michael Che: What is that? Beebok? [fake Reebok]

Colin Jost: Those are Beeboks Yeah. Alright, fine. It’s coz of your off brand shoes. Okay?

Kyle Mooney: They’re cheaper. They’re just as good as the real thing. I mean, hey, we only make eight bucks an hour here, right?

Michael Che: Oh, no!

Kyle Mooney: Wait! You guys make more than that?

Michael Che: Kyle Mooney, everyone!

Kyle Mooney: Ah, man!