Category:

Irish Dating Show

Aden Kilkenny… Beck Bennett

Nial… Bill Hader

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Molly… Aidy Bryant

Diobhan… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Hi there, you’re watching Ireland One, the only channel on telly not controlled by the bleeding British. Next up, it’s our number one dating show, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”

[Cut to Aden Kilkenny walking to the game stage]

Aden Kilkenny: Hi. Welcome to Kiss Me I’m Irish. I’m your host Aden Kilkenny. Today, one fellow will choose between three Irish roses to see which one smells the sweetest. Let’s meet our Danny boy.

Nial: [strong Irish accent] I’m called Nial. I’m from Dangle. My favorite food is gray. My claim to fame is that I’ve punched Bono in the back of the head. At least I think it was Bono.

Aden Kilkenny: Better be safe than sorry. And what kind of girl re you hoping to meet?

Nial: Not to be too picky but a gal I suppose. Unmarried.

Aden Kilkenny: Well, you’re in luck. We’ve got three of them behind that wall there. Each one is beautiful as their skin is bright red under their makeup. Let’s meet them.

Eileen: [strong Irish accent] Hi. I’m Eileen. I’m a good catholic girl which means I love god and god hates me coz I’m thinking impure thoughts about you.

Molly: Hi, I’m Molly. I’m Irish American. But I live over here because I’m studying stones. And if you follow this rainbow, you might get a pot of gold.

Diobhan: [strong Irish accent] I’m Siobhan. I’m from Dylan. I’ve got 35 suspicious freckles in my body. But I’m looking for a guy to check the ones I can’t see.

Nial: I’ve got a cousin Siobhan from Dylan. Siobhan O’Conor.

Diobhan: Ay! That’s me.

Nial: Is it now? What are the chances?

Molly: Cousins? Well, it sounds like my chances just got a little better.

Aden Kilkenny: What are you saying, Nial? First impression of the girls?

Nial: Well, number three is my cousin. So, she is definitely off to an early lead. The contestants one and two, I’m open to learn more about you.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, seems like there’s some competition. Nial, what’s your first question?

Nial: Call me old fashioned, but I like a girl who knows her way around the kitchen. Number three, what would you make me for supper?

Molly: Um, wait. The cousin is still playing?

Diobhan: That’s easy. I’d make our Nana’s famous pope’s pie. I know how much you loved it as a kid.

Nial: Great answer.

Eileen: I’m sorry but this is ridiculous.

Molly: I know. Right? Like, what is going on?

Eileen: She’s got such a leg upon us coz they’re cousins. How are we supposed to compete with that?

Molly: Okay. That was not what I was gonna say.

Aden Kilkenny: Alright. Settle down. Plenty of bachelors on the show. I’ve picked a girl other than their non-cousins.

Nial: Trust me. One and two, you’re very much both still in the game. Which brings me to the next question. Contestant one, where would you take me on your first dte?

Eileen: Well, that’s easy. I’d take you to my favorite pub up in Dylan, the Stone Bone. The drinks are free and we can stay past closed coz I know the owner. He’s my dad.

Nial: I know the owner too. He’s my uncle. Eileen, it’s me, your cousin Nial.

Eileen: Handsome Nial?

Nial: St. John’s ghost, this game just got a lot more competitive.

Molly: Wait, more competitive? You’re related. The game should be over.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, I’m afraid. You’re in tough spot, Molly. Very rarely does the bachelor pick the non-cousin when there are two cousins in the running. Alright, you lucky boy. Next question.

Nial: Ladies, what’s your idea of a romantic evening? Let’s start with contestant number two.

Molly: I guess dinner with a guy who isn’t related to me?

Nial: Picky picky. How about you, contestant number one?

Eileen: My idea of romantic evening would be weddings, funerals and holy communions coz that’s when I get to see you.

[Audience going ‘Aww’]

Molly: Wait, the audience likes that?

Nial: Contestant number three, your turn. What’s your idea of romantic evening?

Diobhan: Oh, I think you remember. Three good Fridays ago, an alley behind the fish mongers.

Nial: Oh. That I do. That I do.

Molly: Ew! So you already hooked up with your cousin?

Diobhan: Calm down. We didn’t have sex. We just had sex. We didn’t get married or nothing.

Molly: Ew! Is this common here? Aren’t you guys worried about like, deformities from inbreeding?

Nial: What? Like bird bones? Soft skull? Strawberry nose? Tic-tac teeth? Brown blood? One big toe? Great advice, but you’re about 500 years too late.

Eileen: You see, that’s why I always had a crush on him coz he’s got it going on up here. [pointing at the forehead. She has a deformed hand.]

Molly: Okay. I’m gonna stay but only because I’m morbidly curious about who is gonna win.

[choir sound]

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, that sound means father Mike is coming to hear a confession. So, its time for us to take a quick break. I’m Aden Kilkenny, and we’ll be right back.

Girlfriends Game Night

Aidy Bryant

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Genie… Cecily Strong

Horace… Bill Hader.

[Starts with three ladies waiting for

Aidy: What time is it? Is Genie still coming?

Anna: I just got a text. She’s saying they’re in the elevator.

Melissa: They? Oh, my god.

Aidy: Wait. Is she bringing her boyfriend?

Anna: His name is Horace and they’re married. Remember?

Melissa: Does she go anywhere without him? It’s just so weird.

Anna: You just think it’s weird because he’s an older man. Oh, shh. I think–

[Genie walks in. Horace is following her in on an automatic wheelchair. He is bald on top and has white hair on side and back. He is wearing a blanket and an old man sweater. He is very old.]

Genie: Hi. Hi. Sorry, we’re late. It’s been a chaotic week. Horace’s sons are suing me again. Horace, where are you going? To the– [Horace goes straight and hits the wall] Oh! Horace, be careful. You are being such a dude right now. [to her friends] Men. How do we, ladies? Speaking of, Anna, how was your honeymoon?

Anna: Oh. Paris was amazing.

Genie: Horace, they went to Paris. Anna went to Paris.

Horace: Uh-huh.

Aidy: That’s so romantic.

Genie: You know, Horace used to live in Paris during World War II. He can speak fluent French. Horace, speak some French.  Horace, speak some French to them.

Horace: No. [laughing]

Genie: Oh! Oh! Mr. Comedian. Right. Because ‘No’ is the same in French. You know, you’re laughing at your joke more than anyone else as usual.

[Horace is moving his shoulder like he’s laughing]

Aidy: Is he still laughing? Is maybe something wrong?

Genie: No. No. He is just tickled. Don’t encourage him.

Anna: Are you sure he’s okay?

Genie: Yes. Just let him have his laughing phase. Are you done?

Horace: Okay.

Anna: So? Are we gonna play Uno or what?

Aidy: Yes! Let’s do it.

Horace: I’m ready.

Aidy: Oh! Is Horace playing?

Horace: Genie, it’s here now?

Genie: It is? Like, right now? Oh, that’s inconvenient.

Melissa: What’s here?

Genie: Oh. He’s got a– You guys know how we’re trying to get pregnant. We’ve been working with the specialists. We’re doing all these treatments. Yada-yada-yada. His cialis kicked in.

Horace: It’s here. Let’s go.

Anna: Wait. What are you doing?

Genie: Well, we just have to take advantage when it’s here. Just, you know.

[Genie takes the blanket and sits on Horace’s lap]

Melissa: Why?

Genie: Hey, don’t worry. I have this courtesy blanket so you won’t see anything.

[Horace is shouting]

Melissa: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t do that here.

Horace: Oh, it’s a good one.

Genie: We have to. You guys know how bad I want a baby.

Aidy: Oh my god. You can’t do that old man here.

Horace: Oh, yeah. Look out.

Genie: Guys. It’s like breast feeding in public, okay? It’s about accomplishing a task. It’s not a sexual thing.

Anna: Alright. But sex is a sexual thing.

Genie: No, Anna, believe me, okay? This is all by the numbers. It’s science. It’s clinical. It’s boring.

Aidy: Okay. Well, can you at least use the bedroom?

Anna: Don’t offer my bedroom. I sleep in there.

Genie: Guys, guys, it’s nothing. I can talk and chew gum at the same time. You know what? Let’s just play. Horace, can you move me closer to the table? [Horace takes them to the table on his automatic wheelchair.] Slow, Horace. [They push the table far away] Slow. Horace. Horace, slow. Horace.

Aidy: Where are my cards? Okay, I will go first I guess.

Horace: Oh, yeah!

Genie: My cards are terrible.

Horace: Oh, yeah.

Anna: You know what? I’m sorry. You know what? I just– I can’t do this.

Horace: You can change your cards if you want.

Anna: No. Not the game. You and your husband doing that.

Genie: You guys, seriously. You know how important being a mom is to me.

Melissa: I know that. And I’m trying to not see what I’m seeing. But I think this is making it to the point where I can never look at you again.

Genie: Oh, my god. Okay. Does everyone feel that way?

Aidy: Actually, yeah.

Genie: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess we will leave. Come on, Horace. Wow! [Genie and Horace move to the door on the wheelchair.] Slow. Slow. Horace.

Horace: You know what? No.

[Horace moves the wheelchair backwards pushing the table and everything.]

You know what? You should be ashamed of yourselves. This woman is your friend. She always dreamed of being a mom. It’s been a very difficult journey for her and she needs your support. If you can’t give her that, then you’re not a kind friend.

Genie: Oh!

Anna: Yeah.

Aidy: You’re right.

Melissa: We are sorry.

Anna: Yeah. You’re gonna make a excellent mother.

[Horace starts screaming]

Genie: Horace?

[The End]

CBC Report

Interviewer… Cecily Strong

Thomas Logan… Bill Hader

Actress… Heidi Gardner

Win Butler

Régine Chassagne

Richard Reed Parry

William Butler

Tim Kingsbury

Jeremy Gara

[Starts with video clips of Toronto cities.]

Male voice: Tonight on CBC News Hour. The #MeToo movement that started in Hollywood has now reached Canadian shores. As new accusations of sexual misconduct are made against Toronto producer, Thomas Logan. Once considered the biggest movie mogul in the north is now being called “Canadian Harvey Weinstein.”

[Cut to Thomas Logan’s interview]

Thomas Logan: Yeah. I’ve heard all these accusations against me and I’m here to say it’s all true. I definitely abuse my power. Yes.

Interviewer: Why don’t you tell the folks at home what you did exactly?

Thomas Logan: Yeah. You know, I have this assistant. And I was real inappropriate. Saying stuff like, “You look nice today,” or “What kind of sunglasses are those?” You know, really pestering her. You know. So, she got ticked and I just went ahead and resigned.

[Cut to pictures of Thomas Logan with the celebrities]

Male voice: Logan now exposed as a monster by Canadian standards has taken his name off some of his greatest hits. Movies like, “Y’ Don’t Say,” “It Happened At Tim Hortons,” and “Dave, the Dave Thomas Story” starring Dave Foley. Watch as the disgraced moguls confronted by his victims.

[Cut to Thomas Logan sitting beside Actress]

Actress: Yeah. So, I’m minding my own when Thomas walks in and says, “That’s a nice sweater you got there.” And I’m thinking, “That’s a bit forward.”

Thomas Logan: As soon as I realized, I said I was sorry.

Actress: Oh, yeah, yeah. He said he was sorry.

Thomas Logan: So, I got HR and I say sorry. I gotta say that I really put boot in this time. And HR lady says, “No. I’m sorry. I should have seen this coming.” So, I resigned and then she resigned.

Actress: And I resigned too coz I was just so sorry about how it turned out.

[Cut to pictures of Thomas Logan with his friends]

Male voice: Watch as his close collaborators process the fact that they’ve been working with a monster. As Canadian super group ‘Arcade Fire’ shares their sordid story.

[Cut to ‘Arcade Fire’ being interviewed]

Win Butler: Yeah. I don’t really know the fella. But I guess we did a soundtrack for him once.

Interviewer: And are you sorry you did that, Win?

Win Butler: Oh, yeah. Real sorry.

Interviewer: And the rest of you? Régine?

Régine Chassagne: I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Richard Reed Parry

Richard Reed Parry: Oh, I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Hmm. William Butler?

William Butler: Not Canadian but still sorry.

Interviewer: Tim Kingsbury? Timmy?

William Butler: I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Jeremy?

Jeremy Gara: Drums.

Win Butler: We were saying sorry.

Jeremy Gara: Sorry. Yeah. I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Well, I’m sorry guys. We have to wrap this up.

[Arcade Fire and Interviewer start saying sorry to each other.]

Male voice: All that was Mooses on the news. Tonight on CBC.

Bill Hader Explains SNL Monologue

Bill Hader

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hader.

[Bill Hader walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Bill Hader: Come on! Let’s hear it. Come on! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow! Happy St. Patrick’s day. Yeah. It’s great to be back on Saturday Night Live. I was on this show for eight seasons. [cheers and applause] 210 episodes. I was nervous for every one of them and I’m nervous now. [cheers and applause] But there’s still so much I’m learning. Did you know that most hosts come on the show to promote something. Like, when they asked me to host, I said, “I’d love to but I have this new show called ‘Barry’ on HBO premiering March 25th. Isn’t that a conflict of interest?” And they said, “No. It helps.” [laughter] I didn’t know that.

Another thing I never realized is, you know, when someone does the impression of a celebrity and then the real celebrity sneaks behind them like, “Tap, tap. I just caught you.” That’s planned. [laughing] I didn’t know that. From the get go. I always thought that the celebrity was maybe walking down the street and news boy was like, “Hey, they’re doing you on the TV.” And the celebrity was like, “Honey, you and the kids take a cab home. I have to stop this.”

One thing I learned after leaving the show was that first commercial after the monologue, the ones we’re in, the ones that are like, “It’s toothpaste with crack in it.” Those are fake! I didn’t know that. You can’t buy these products.

You know, another thing I learned is you can make the monologue as short as you want. So, let’s move on to the next sketch. [The costume team walk in and starts changing his clothes on stage] What do you guys say? You guys wanna do that? See, I’m the host. I can tear the clothes off and put on new ones and it’s called the quick change. Or as they also call it a ticking time bomb. By the way, Arcade Fire is here. [cheers and applause] Also, I have three daughters watching from home. Their names are Hannah, Harper and Hailey. [The costume team are putting on a wig and doing the make up on him] They are also known in the neighborhood as the hater sisters. And they’re watching from the place called California. Roll tape!

[The End]

Anderson Cooper White House Turmoil Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

Michael Wolf… Fred Armisen

Anthony Scaramucci… Bill Hader

[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper and if you ever wondered what’s whiter than St. Patrick’s day, you’re looking at it. Tonight, a White House making big moves. FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe was out, fired late on Friday, a day before he was able to receive his pension. Here to explain is the man who had to do the firing, attorney general Jeff Sessions.

[Cut to split screen with Anderson Cooper and Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Hello. Look at me. I still got a job.

Anderson Cooper: Sir, can you give us the exact reason McCabe was fired?

Jeff Sessions: Well, yes. Of course. Mr. McCabe was in clear violation because of his lack of candor– what– I don’t know. I can’t even dance around. Trump made me do it. McCabe saw too much. You know?

Anderson Cooper: Okay. So, this was not your decision?

Jeff Sessions: Look, I’m always down to clown but this was sneaky even for me. I’m just a simple man who wanted to make things bad for immigrants. And now, here I am taking away the pension of a Christian white. It ain’t right.

Anderson Cooper: Well, there are rumors that you might be the next to go.

Jeff Sessions: Well, frankly, I can’t believe I lasted this long. I’m like the energizer bunny. I keep going and going and I drink water like this. [making face] But look, y’all need me right now coz if I get fired, it’s gonna launch Robert Mueller right into space. But if I do go, don’t worry. I’m still going to weak havoc. Like Taraji P. Henson said, I can do bad all by myself.

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, Mr. Sessions. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] This week has brought several high profile firing from the Trump administration including secretary of state, Rex Tillerson who joins me now.

[Rex Tillerson is sitting beside Anderson Cooper]

Rex Tillerson: How are you doing? [cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Quite well, sir. Quite well. Now, the way it went down must have been a little embarrassing for you but you’ve been pretty gracious about your exit.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, yeah. It just wasn’t a good fit. But, these things happen.

Anderson Cooper: Now, it was widely reported that you were fired by a tweet from the president.

Rex Tillerson: Well, that’s not true. John Kelly called me personally. He said, “Where are you?” I said, “Sir, that’s private.” He said, “Oh, good. Are you in the toilet? Coz I got some news.”

Anderson Cooper: Are you okay?

Rex Tillerson: I’m– I’m fine. [Rex Tillerson drinks a lot of water] It’s just crazy how one day you’re the CEO of Exxon,  a $50 billion company, and the next day you get fired by a man who used to sell steaks in the mail.

[Rex Tillerson crushes the class he was holding.]

Anderson Cooper: Rex Tillerson is obviously still processing this. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] Joining me now are two people who have a first hand knowledge of White House dysfunction. Fire and Fury author Michael Wolf and Trump’s Communications Director for eleven days, Anthony Scaramucci.

[Cut to Michael Wolf and Anthony Scaramucci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Scaramucci: How you doing? Hello, it’s me the mooch! Like these threads? It’s for suit made by the Olive garden. Oh!

[Cut to all]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Scramucci, it’s been a while. What have you been up to lately?

Anthony Scaramucci: Lately? What was I up to before? Nobody knows. The fidget spinner. The Trump White House. I made a big splash. Then one day, everybody was like, “Whoa! What the hell was that about?” Speaking of fading away, Rexi, I’m really sorry about what happened. You and I, we’re kind of the same now.

Rex Tillerson: Ha-ha-ha-ha. No.

Anthony Scaramucci: Still, Rexi, it was a big shock.

Michael Wolf: Oh, please! I knew months ago.

Anderson Cooper: Now Mr. Wolf, you saw the dysfunction of the White House up close. Is it as bad as they say?

Michael Wolf: Oh, it’s worse. Much worse. people don’t know this but Trump would line up his staff and use a laser pointer and circle their love handles everyday.

Anderson Cooper: Wow! Is that really true?

Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.

Anderson Cooper: Okay. Gentlemen, any insights into–

Rex Tillerson: [yelling] Trump is a moron! Ha-ha-ha. I’m sorry. I just blurted that one out. Whoo! Feels nice to say what I want. Call Jurassic Park coz Rexi is loose.

Anderson Cooper: Yeah. Well, that was very startling. Now, any insight into who’s next to go?

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah. Jared Kushner is toast, baby. Look, you didn’t hear this from me but the guy is in debt up to his cajones. The Russians, the Saudis, Tommy Toupee down at the Aqueduct. Hold on, you’re not recording this, right?

Anderson Cooper: Yes. We’re on live TV.

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, Anthony, you stepped in it again. Mabagagoli!

Anderson Cooper: And now that McCabe is out, any insight into who Trump will pick to run the FBI?

Michael Wolf: Right. Well, my sources tell me the job is down to two candidates. Milwaukee sheriff David Clark or the president’s favorite TV detective, Monk.

Anderson Cooper: Are you sure about that?

Michael Wolf: Oh, come on. It sounds right. Doesn’t it?

Anderson Cooper: I suppose.

Michael Wolf: Okay, well, I don’t know. Shut up? It’s all in my new book.

Anderson Cooper: Wait. Hold on. You’re writing another book about the White House? Yeah. And this one’s gonna blow your mind. Now, I’m not in the White House anymore but I have a new source that tells me everything.

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard about this guy. What a rat. Completely off the record, it’s me. Wait, is this being recorded?

Anderson Cooper: Yes. Yes. We’re still on live television.

Anthony Scaramucci: Yei-ga-sheba-gola-gaba-gaga-garli! [to Michael Wolf] You’re not going to mention me by name, right?

Michael Wolf: Of course, I am.

Anthony Scaramucci: You’re gonna make me look good, right?

Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.

Anthony Scaramucci: I love this guy. I love. [Anthony Scaramucci starts kissing Michael Wolf’s forehead]

Anderson Cooper: Alright. Now let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll have the first returns from the Russian election.

Rex Tillerson: Putin won. Just a hunch.

Anderson Cooper: We’re gonna take a quick break. But first…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Chaos in the White House

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The flurry of staff resignations have led many to say that the Trump White House is in chaos. Here to comment are his first sons, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us, Colin. Eric, what do you say?

Eric: Please, make yourself at home.

Donald Trump Jr.: Close, bud, but that’s what you say when someone visits you. Okay.

Colin Jost: So, what are you guys been up to since we saw you last?

Donald Trump Jr.: What we do best. [Eric is copying Donald Trump Jr.’s gestures] Taking the Trump Organization to new heights. I took a trip to India which is an incredibly poor country where I’m hoping to make a lot of money.

Eric: I saw Paddington too.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did, bud.

Colin Jost: That’s really great. Now, what do you have to say to the claim that the White House is now in chaos?

Donald Trump Jr.: I know it’s played out, Colin. But fake news. I mean, you know our father has a little nickname for you members of the elitist liberal media.

Eric: God damn, Jews!

Donald Trump Jr.: No! No! Eric! Eric, that was awful. Bud, no. That was a bad one, bud. [Colin Jost laughing] You know, these stories you’ve heard are complete fabrications. Our father has everything completely under control. In fact, Colin, we spoke to our father right before we came out here and he said–

Eric: [interrupting] Stop bringing Eric on TV with you.

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, he did say that. But he also said, “Just be honest.” That’s what’s so ridiculous about the claims of this adult film star. [Eric does the holding breasts hand gesture.] She and my father never had relationship.

Eric: They just wrestled in bed.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. [Donald Trump Jr. pulls out a book] You wanna read your book, buddy?

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: New one. [Eric is looking at the book] And as far as this chaos, Colin, staff turnover is good. [Eric is just reading the book’s cover] Eric, don’t just read the cover, buddy. It’s a book. Look, it’s a pop-up book.

[Donald Trump Jr. opens the book. Flowers pop out of the book. Eric gets scared.]

No. Don’t be scared, bud. It’s supposed to do that. Buddy, it’s a pop-up book.

Eric: Pop-pop?

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Pop-up. Pop-up.

Eric: Pop?

Donald Trump Jr.: We’ll put it on a flashcard, bud. It’s okay. Just read. [Eric is still scared] It’s okay. It’s not gonna hurt you, buddy. [to Colin Jost] As I was saying, Colin, turnover is a good thing.

[Eric turns the page looking scared. But as the page turns and a house pops up, he is very excited.]

I see. it’s fun to read, right? What’s that word?

Eric: Ssss.

Donald Trump Jr.: She. [to Colin Jost] Things are running smoothly. There is no chaos. And my father is in complete control. Now, we have to run. We have a big day tomorrow.

Eric: We’re going Good Will Hunting.

Donald Trump Jr.: Told you, bud. It’s Big Game Hunting. Big Game Hunting.

Eric: Matt Damon’s still gonna be there?

Donald Trump Jr.: Matt Damon was never gonna be there.

Colin Jost: Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus on Third Winter Storm

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The eastern seaboard was slammed by two massive winter storms in seven days canceling thousands of flights and leaving millions without power. Now, third storm may be on the way. Here to explain is Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her Weather news set]

[cheers and applause]

Dawn Lazarus: Thank you Mi-ka-kel. You got that right. We’re looking at not one, not two but two big biggies. Some are the biggest bids we’ve seen in quite a times. Absolutely dump after dump. Wow!

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble understanding what you’re saying.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, it’s simple. Windy winds are coming out of your north and your east, pushing it way down into that major cold cohooting. Yeah?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Yeah what?

Dawn Lazarus: What?

Michael Che: You sounded like you had more to say.

Dawn Lazarus: Yup.

Michael Che: Is something wrong, Dawn? Only about half of what you’re saying makes sense.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: It’s live TV and its a bit nervous, okay? Cameras will make that mouth go poop.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. What can you tell us about why there’s been so many storms?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah. What a wow it’s been out in that side. This year’s got temps in this simple dipits. Why? Global warming. We treat that earth like a big bitch. Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Okay. So, it seems like storms are becoming more common. Do you have any tips for how to prepare or–?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Um. De- bet ya. First of, be sure to keep it safety. And hey, if you gotta go car on those icy roads, slowing it right down will be the bib pop of deal, nakay?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah. Nakay. So, are you able to tell us whether there’s gonna be another storm?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus. She is facing backwards.]

Dawn?

[Dawn Lazarus turns around]

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Is there another storm on the way?

Dawn Lazarus: Shoe don’t know.

Michael Che: Okay. Dawn Lazarus, everybody.

Dawn Lazarus: Thank it.

Michael Che: Thank it? For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Dawn Lazarus: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Kim Jong-un Meeting with Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s are picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at left top corner.]

In a stunning turn of events, North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un has agreed to meet in May with Donald Trump or whoever is president in May. Trump will be the first sitting US president to meet with the leader of North Korea. And it’s also going to be the first time where both translators start every sentence with, “Okay, so what I think he said was…” I just love that there’s a potential nuclear war hanging in the balance and we’re putting in our lives in the hands of the only two guys connected on Dennis Rodman’s LinkedIn page.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s are picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts warn that the talk between Trump and Kim Jong-Un could be risky, because, well, duh! Best case scenario, they’ll realize they’re both crazy and become best friends like their movie “Step Brothers.” But more than likely, Donald Trump is gonna realize that he’s just twitter crazy and Kim Jong-Un is crazy crazy. And there’s a big old difference. One guy trolls Oprah online and the other guy murdered his uncle with a cannon. This could end up being the greatest episode of Scared Straight ever! What do you think Trump’s gonna say at dinner when they tell them he is eating disrespectful limo driver?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen and Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And in this week’s presidential porno recap, Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen who is definitely a candidate for friend of the year said that he used funds from his own home equity line to pay $130,000 to silence Stormy Daniels. Can anyone in America imagine taking out a home equity loan to help their friend pay off a pornstar? The best part is you know that right after Cohen settled up with Stormy, Trump saw another pornstar and was like, “She is pretty cute too”, and Cohen’s like, “Dude, I’m gonna lose my house.”

I think it’s also fitting that the story about the president having an affair with a pornstar is struggling to hold our attention. Because the news now has become like porn. We’re desensitized. These days news wise we can only get excited about Asian lesbians. [Picture changes to Kim Jong-Un.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Gary Cohn at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright. Gary Cohn has resigned as the White House job Economic Advisor. Cohn hopes to work somewhere a little less chaotic than the White House like, I don’t know, a Walmart on Black Friday? In response to his resignation, the Dow Jones fell more than 300 points. Now, 300 points sounds like a lot but keep in mind I have no idea what the hell the Dow Jones is. I reacted to Dow the same way I react to my boys when they tell me they’re about to have a kid. I’m like, “Word? How you feel about that?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Seychelles map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week it was revealed that in January of 2017, a secret meeting took place in Seychelles between a Trump associate and official from United Arab Emirates and a Russian banker with ties to the Kremlin. So, sounds innocent. At least with all these Mueller stuff, we’re learning a lot about geography. You know? I mean Trump at this point is basically Carmen Santiago. Only, he wants to deport everyone with a name like Carmen Santiago.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump an PlayStation games at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump met with executives from the video game industry to discuss the connection between violent video games and shootings. I don’t know. I grew up playing Mario Brothers but I never had the urge to curve stomp a turtle. Though I did grow up with a kid that played PCman all day and now he’s addicted to pills and sees ghost everywhere.

Weekend Update on International Women’s Day 2018

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonald’s arches put upside down making it a “W” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: McDonald’s celebrated international women’s day by turning it’s golden arches upside down. Not to be out-done, In-N-Out Burger changed its name to “Adequate Foreplay.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a barbie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also, in honor of international women’s day, barbie has released a new Amelia Earhart doll. It’s the only barbie that’s gotta be around here somewhere.

[Picture changes to gummy bears]

Three daycare workers in Chicago were arrested for giving gummy bears laced with sleep inducing melatonin to a class of two year olds. Worse, they woke them up with cocaine.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of map of West Virginia and people in strike at right top corner.]

Michael Che: West Virginia law makers reached a deal with public school teachers to end their strike and give them a 5% pay rise. Good. Nobody’s more underpaid than public school teachers. You ever see a faculty parking lot? Teachers drive cars made by companies that don’t even make cars. My dad is a public school teacher. He drives a 97 Frigidare.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bottle with a message written on it at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A family in Australia has discovered what’s believed to be the world’s oldest message in a bottle which was thrown into the sea over 130 years ago by a then middle aged Bernie Sanders.

This Is U.S.

Ben Carson… Sterling K. Brown

Heidi Gardner.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Jared Kushner… Pete Davidson

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[starts with message video]

Male voice: Millions of Americans have tuned into the show that’s captivating a nation.

[Cut to Ben Carson reading in his desk. Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Dr. Ben Carson, what’s wrong?

Ben Carson: All of it. All of it is wrong.

Male voice: A drama so unnerving, you can’t look away.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders on press confereince]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: This whole thing with the president having sex with a pornstar, it just didn’t happen. [There’s a sticky note on the podium with “Stop lying Sarah” written on it. Sarah Huckabee Sanders sees it. She tears it out. Underneath, there’s another sticky note with “Seriously, what are you doing?” written on it.]

Male voice: The number one drama in America.

[Cut to Jared Kushner. His room if full of empty liquor bottles. He has a bottle full of liquor in his hands.]

Jared Kushner: United Arab Emirates? Hey, this is Jared Kushner. Is there anyway that I can borrow like, $800 million?

[Jared Kushner throws the bottle on the wall and breaks it.]

Male voice: NBC presents, this is US. The real life drama happening in our government everyday. The show critics are calling, “Like, ‘This Is Us’, but without the parts that feel good.”

[Cut to Ben Carson with his wife]

Ben Carson: Baby, I’m scared.

Ben’s wife: It’s okay. You’re gonna make a great surgeon general.

Ben Carson: No. I run the department of housing and urban development.

Ben’s wife: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s hilarious. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Male voice: Entertainment Weekly says, “You’ll be laughing through tears. Except without the laughing. So I guess just regular crying.” With loving tributes to the many, many people we’ve lost.

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders is crying over urns of Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci and Hope Hicks.]

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders sitting with Kellyanne Conway]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: You’re growing up to be just like me. Maybe even better. Meaning, worse.

Male voice: And of course, there’s hella crying.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway sobbing. But she stops immediately]

Kellyanne Conway: No. I can’t cry. Ha-ha. I have nothing in me.

Male voice: This is US. This is real.