SummaryWith the advent of the 2000 season, “Saturday Night Live” has been on the air for a quarter of a century, and now advances to the next millenium. Fans finally say goodbye to Tim Meadows, who spent a tenth of a century as a cast member on the show. Cheri Oteri and Colin Quinn also left at the end of the 25th season; though Cheri’s departure didn’t traumatize production of the show, Colin’s resignation left a void behind the “Weekend Update” desk, sending producers into a frantic rush to find a replacement. After a series of auditions, a decision had been made – a return to the old days of “Weekend Update” as a co-anchor team, with fan favorite Jimmy Fallon and head writer Tina Fey chosen as the new anchors. Other new faces include Jerry Minor and Maya Rudolph, the latter of whom spent two episodes at the end of last season testing the waters. 2000 is also an important election year, as “SNL” gets the nod from the network to air a prime-time special of favorite political sketches from the first 25 years, complete with the real George W. Bush and Al Gore opening the show. And with an election that seems unable to draw a clear winner, Will Ferrell and Darrell Hammond gain a little extra time to perfect their impressions of the candidates! Aside from the election special, the cast received an extra 40 minutes’ worth of performance time on Thursdays, as NBC attempted to pull some of the ratings from CBS’ “Survivor” series. The ploy wasn’t very effective, though Molly Shannon helped boost the regular time slot’s ratings when she decided to leave “SNL” following the February 17th, 2001 broadcast.
Al Michaels…..Darrell Hammond Dan Fouts…..Will Ferrell Dennis Miller…..Jimmy Fallon Melissa Stark…..Maya Rudolph Eric Dickerson…..Tracy Morgan
Al Michaels: This Teflon-coated roof will be vibrating tonight as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers battle the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football. Hello, everybody, I’m Al Michaels. The Buccaneers, who are tied for first place, are about to take on the undefeated Minnesota Vikings in what should be a thriller. Then tomorrow night on ABC, from a single girl to a mother of two in six dates flat, The Geena Davis Show. I’m joined now by Dan Fouts.
Dan Fouts: Hey, Al.
Al Michaels: Dan, it seems to me that the Buccaneers and the Vikings are serious Super Bowl favourites.
Dan Fouts: That’s right, Al. Tampa Bay is an excellent, excellent football team. But the Vikings have a great football team too. Al, my prediction is that whoever puts the most points on the scoreboard will probably win tonight’s football game.
Al Michaels: The expertise of a true NFL great. For an injury report, let’s go to Melissa Stark.
Melissa Stark: Hi, Al. Tampa Bay running back Warrick Dunn is out for the third straight game after tearing the medialateral ligament in his left knee. Now, this is a guy who’s averaged 4.6 yards a carry, Al. You know, Al, you may not take me seriously because I’m a woman wearing a lavender sweater set from Club Monaco, but I know one thing, Al. I know my football!
Dan Fouts: That girl’s got something, she’s got a real spark, and that’s all right with me, Al.
Al Michaels: We’re joined now by Dennis Miller. Dennis, Tampa Bay coach Tony Dungie, what do you think?
Dennis Miller: Well folks, tonight’s pigskin competition will involve more offensive strategy than an Albert Spier designed German blitzkreig! On one side, you’ve got Dennis Green, a draft pick virtuoso, not to mention a guy who stole Eldridge Cleaver’s afro! Ha ha! On the other side of the ball, we’ve got Bucko’s skipper Tony Dungie, who created a pass rush just as volatile as Dennis Hopper after a three day crystal meth binge, babe! By any measure, wide receiver Randy Moss scores more often than Leo DiCaprio at an NSYNC concert at the Mall of America during a lunar eclipse! If Tampa Bay loses tonight, they’ll be understudies in the Bogaraton dinner theatre production of Les Mis with Warren Sapp as Jean Valjean! Isn’t that right, Albino!
Al Michaels: Warren Sapp, perhaps the most feared man in the NFC, and this Friday on ABC, it’s Madigan Men!
Dennis Miller: Hey, Al, I saw the Madigan Men pilot. It’s got fewer laughs than Molly Blum’s internal monologue at the end of Jimmy Joyce’s “Ulysses.”
Dan Fouts: Ulysses, I love this guy, Al.
Dennis Miller: It’s like attending Haley Joel Osment’s birthday party at Benny Hara..
Dan Fouts: Dennis, you lost me on that one, buddy.
Al Michaels: You know, a lot has been made about the great running backs, who better to discuss it, here’s Eric Dickerson.
Eric Dickerson: My man.. Who’s proud about it. Dante Culpepper’s proud about it. I met Dante at the bar. He passed for three touchdowns last week. I asked Dante about the Tampa Bay D. But Dante said he’s not worried about that. I told him you gotta get your freak on, kid. He said, I’m a butler..
Al Michaels: Well, thoughtful commentary from the former Ram, and political drama this Wednesday on ABC’s Gideon’s Crossing. Dan, quarterback Shaun King, your take.
Dan Fouts: Al, Shaun King knows how to throw the football. Okay, and a quarterback is able to take that football up into the air into the hands of the reciever as he’s running down the field, really that’ll help this team score a touchdown, and that’s what this game’s all about.
Al Michaels: For an injury update, let’s go back to Melissa Stark.
Melissa Stark: Hi Al. Viking tackle Tony Williams may not play due to a groin injury. I don’t know firsthand what that feels like, Al, but you probably don’t understand the pain of childbirth either, Al. You know, Al, I know it’s awkward for you to be working with a woman, but I wish you’d say hi to me in the hallway sometimes. Hopefully in time, Al, you won’t see me as a threat, but as a colleague, who knows her football.
Dan Fouts: I like this lady, Al, I really do.
Dennis Miller: Dan, it looks like you’re sprouting a little wood there, babe. I haven’t seen a package that tight since I got a COD from Teddy Kaczinski!
Al Michaels: We’re just two minutes away from kickoff here at the Metrodome, and I think all of you Monday Night Football fans will agree, that this new crew that I’m working with makes me very lucky to have worked with Boomer Esaison. We’ll be right back after this.
Mr. Tarkanian…..Will Ferrell Job Applicant…..Pierce Brosnan Secretary…..Tina Fey Female Employee…..Rachel Dratch Male Employee…..Chris Kattan Black Employee…..Jerry Minor Scott Jurgenson…..Chris Parnell
[ open on interior, Mr. Tarkanian’s office, as he interviews a Job Applicant ]
Mr. Tarkanian: And we offer full benefits, and three weeks’ paid vacation.
Job Applicant: Oh? Three weeks? Wow!
Mr. Tarkanian: Yeah.. I’m not gonna lie to you, Kirk, you’re very high on our list, and we want you to work here very much. So, what do you think?
Job Applicant: I, uh.. I think I want the job.
Mr. Tarkanian: Fantastic!
Job Applicant: Oh, excellent!
Mr. Tarkanian: Great. So, we’ll give you a pass key, and assign you a desk and a parking space, and..
Female Employee: [ timidly approaches ] Excuse me, Mr. Tarkanian?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ angry ] Why are you interrupting me?!
Female Employee: Well, I just thought that..
Mr. Tarkanian: You thought?! You DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WHEN I AM BUSY!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!! I do NOT want you to pull this AMATEUR BULLCRAP, ALRIGHT?!! I’m a PROFESSIONAL! Do you HEAR me?!! Do you UNDERSTAND ME?!!
Female Employee: [ frightened ] Yes.. Mr. Tarkanian.. [ runs out of office ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ returns to Job Applicant as though nothing had happened ] So, you should probably go to Personnel and get started on your paperwork..
Job Applicant: [ bewildered ] What, what was that about..?
Mr. Tarkanian: Oh.. oh, sorry you had to see that.. she can, uh, she can be a real bitch! [ laughs ] Hey, you’re timing is perfect – we’re having the company barbecue next month. I hope you like barbecues.
Job Applicant: Oh, I enojy barbecue quite a bit, actually!
Mr. Tarkanian: Good.
Male Employee: [ enters ] Here you are, Mr. Tarkanian, the new copy’s finished.
Mr. Tarkanian: [ looks it over ] Okay, you know what? I don’t know if I would have done this.. yeah.
Male Employee: Is there a problem with it, or..?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ stands ] You do NOT hand in CRAP like THIS!! This looks like you took a CRAP or a DUMP in the PRINTER!! You are SCUM!! I should FIRE you and BURN down your FRIGGIN’ HOUSE!! I am THIS close to RAPING YOU!!
Male Employee: I’m sorry.. [ exits ]
Job Applicant: [ tries not to laugh ]
Mr. Tarkanian: Office politics. Sometimes I think this place is like “Ally McBeal”.
Job Applicant: Is this.. is this how you deal with your employees?
Mr. Tarkanian: What?
Job Applicant: Uh.. I.. I’m not sure I want to work in this kind of environment.
Mr. Tarkanian: [ looks at his Secretary ] Hold on a second..
Secretary: [ tending a personal call ] Car accident?! Oh, my God, is he okay..?
Mr. Tarkanian: HEY!! HEY!! NOT ON MY WATCH!! NO PERSONAL PHONE CALLS!! ALRIGHT?! I SHOULD POUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH!! USE COMPANY TIME TO TALK TO YOUR DISGUSTING WHORE FRIENDS?!! NO!! [ hangs up phone ] YOU DO NOT DO THIS!! YOU DO NOT!! [ bitch-slaps her ]
Secretary: [ cries ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ casually returns to his desk ] Hey-ey-ey! Just takin’ care of some business! You want to go out for a beer and celebrate?
Job Applicant: I-I-I don’t think I want to work here..
Mr. Tarkanian: Why? What’s wrong? [ Black Employee enters eating a donut ] HEY!! HEY!!
Black Employee: [ confused ] What is it, Mr. Tarkanian?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ stands ] Oh, thank you, that’s exactly the response I’m looking for! [ kicks Black Employee down ] Now, get up! GET UP, you CRAZY BLACK MAN! Im going to make you DRINK my PISS!! [ fumbles with his zipper ]
Black Employee: [ scared ] Hey, are you crazy, man?!!
Mr. Tarkanian: [ primal scream ] I am a STRONG man!! ANYONE in this office, take a RUN AT ME!!
Scott Jurgenson: [ enters carrying a trident and a net ] Mr. Tarkanian!! I am ready to take you!! I have been LIFTING WEIGHTS and doing COCAINE all day!! And I want a BIG PIECE of YOU, sir!!
Mr. Tarkanian: [ excited ] OHHHHHH!!! SCOTT JURGENSON!! I LOVE it!! I am ACTUALLY gonna MURDER YOU!!
[ Scott attempts to attack Mr. Tarkanian with the trident, but Tarkanian punches him in the face and seizes the trident away, then pushes Scott to the ground and stabs him thirty-three times with the trident, as Job Applicant watches in horror ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ finished, nonchalantly returns to his desk ] Alright.. sorry to keep you waiting.. let’s get you logged on to your computer.
Job Applicant: You are a terrible, terrible man!
Mr. Tarkanian: Well.. I’m a stickler! We take a lot of pride around here. It’s not easy running the best – well, the fourth best – in-flight magazine in the business.
Job Applicant: I don’t really think I want to work here, thank you.
Mr. Tarkanian: Well, that’s a real shame. That article you wrote for Continental about Peter Falk’s favorite restaurants in San Fransisco really turned some heads around here.
Job Applicant: You just murdered one of your employees with a trident!
Mr. Tarkanian: You know what? Just work here, okay? Take some time to weigh the pros and cons. Pros: you’ll be working for a slightly-above in-flight magazine, for $22,400 a year; cons: me, kicking you ’til there’s blood in your stool, then grabbing your wife’s boobies while you’re tied up with a racquetball shoved in your mouth. Now, balance it out, and think about it..
Job Applicant: [ stands ] I just don’t think I want to work here!
Mr. Tarkanian: Fair enough. Ordinarily, I’d whip your nuts with a car antenna for that kind of callous attitude – but you thought about it, and you don’t want to work here. [ spots Secretary exiting the office ] HEY!! YOU GET BACK HERE!! [ chases screaming secretary out of office ]
Britney Spears performs “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Joe Palindrome (Seth Meyers) points Jimmy Fallon for Ciccoline joke. From Mogadishu, war correspondent Geraldo Rivera (Darrell Hammond) is a sexy man. Jimmy Fallon offers recent song parodies for Winter Olympics theme song. Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell) thinks “America” is a good enough theme song. Recurring Characters: Geraldo Rivera, Neil Diamond.
Astronaut Jones Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan), defender of space ass.
HBO: First Look Gemini’s Twin (Ana Gasteyer, Maya Rudolph, Spears) film “Damn My Dixie’s On Fire”. Recurring Characters: Joanette, Britanica.
9 News Morning Edition Stolen chairs and technical gaffes mar performance of morning news broadcast.
Britney Spears performs “Boys”
The Leather Man Leather Man (Jimmy Fallon) is obsessed with leather clothing.
…..Horatio Sanz …..Jimmy Fallon …..Chris Kattan …..Tracy Morgan
Don Pardo: Season’s greetings from all of us here at “Saturday Night Live”.
[ show Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan all dressed in red, as fake snow falls on them. Horatio is playing a lute, Jimmy is playing a keyboard with a built-in drum machine that Chris Kattan is holding, and Tracy Morgan is running in place beside them, as jingle bells play in the background. ]
Horatio Sanz: One…
[ Jimmy turns on keyboard ]
Horatio Sanz: One…
Jimmy Fallon: Two…
Horatio Sanz: One-
Jimmy Fallon: Two-
Horatio Sanz: Three-
Jimmy Fallon: Four!
[ they start playing ]
Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what your momma says-“ Horatio and Jimmy: “Christmas time is nee-ear! I don’t care what your daddy says-“ Horatio Sanz: “Christmas time is dee-ear!” Horatio and Jimmy: “All I know is that Santa’s sleigh Is making its way to the U. S. A.!
I don’t care what the mayor says- Christmas is full of chee-eer! I don’t care if you think it’s a lie-“ Horatio Sanz: “Christmas will be soon be hee-ere! I don’t care about the C. I. A.-“ Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care what the calendars say! I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay! I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 27: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 3rd, 2001 John Goodman Ja Rule None Dan AykroydAshcroft’s Press ConferenceSummary: John Ashcroft’s (Darrell Hammond) terrorism warning has sketchy details. Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney. Transcript
Montage
John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: John Goodman attempts to “wing” his monologue just like the Yankees did at the World Series. Also Hosted:
Herbal Essence For MenSummary: The shampoo does equally well having an orgasmic effect on men.
Hudson Valley Community CircuitSummary: Interviews with people and businesses with unfortunate names that have suffered since the terrorist attack on America. Transcript
Liberty Medical InsuranceSummary: Despite his endorsement for the home health products, Wilford Brimley (John Goodman) hasn’t been taking very good care of himself. Transcript
She’s The Girl With No Gaydar!!!Summary: Clueless Nicole (Rachel Dratch) thinks a string of gay partygoers are eligible bachelors for her choosing. Recurring Characters: Nicole. Transcript
e.p.t. Home Pregnancy TestSummary: After their one-night stand, two college students (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) check to see if they’re pregnant. Transcript
CBS Evening Anthrax UpdateSummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) projects which newscasters might have anthrax. Recurring Characters: Dan Rather. Transcript
Ja Rule performs “Always On Time”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Seth Meyers says New York is sure to win the World Series as long as Boston doesn’t root for their victory. To deter postal terrorist threats, Elwood Blues (Dan Aykroyd) and Mighty Mack (John Goodman) sing “The Letter.” Recurring Characters: Elwood Blues, Mighty Mack. Transcript
America UndercoverSummary: Police officers (John Goodman, Dean Edwards) question the circumstances surrounding a dispute between Gator (Chris Kattan) and his white trash wife (Amy Poehler) who’s hiding in the stove. Recurring Characters: Gator, Gator’s Wife. Transcript
Ja Rule performs “Givin It Up”
Bad Conceptual TheaterSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) presents a play written by an infinite number of monkeys. Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell.
Little SleuthsSummary: A disgruntled detective (John Goodman) is partnered with amateur sleuths Bookie Newton (Seth Meyers) and his kid sister (Amy Poehler). Transcript
Dick Cheney’s Snowglobe Cheney (Darrell Hammond) reflects whole shaking snowglobe. Snowglobed Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan Christmas ditty. Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 27: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
September 29th, 2001 Reese Witherspoon Alicia Keys None Mayor Rudolph Guiliani Paul Simon Lorne Michaels 9/11 TributeSummary: New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani pays tribute to the lives lost on September 11th by acknowledging the members of the New York Fire and Police Department as heroes. Paul Simon sings “The Boxer.” Note: The World Trade Center attacks took place eighteen days before the season premiere. Though there was a consideration to delay the season premiere, Lorne Michaels finally decided to proceed as planned when Mayor Guiliani stated that he wanted the show to go on. Note: Along with Art Garfunkel, Paul Simon also performed “The Boxer” on SNL’s second episode on October 18th, 1975. Transcript
MontageNote: Kevin Spacey was this episode’s first choice for host, but scheduling conflicts prevented him from accepting. Note: Don Pardo announces Ana Gasteyer’s name while Tina Fey’s picture is on the screen.
Reese Witherspoon’s MonologueSummary: Reese Witherspoon cuts the tension by telling an off-color joke about a polar bear cub. Note: The original punchline to the joke Reese Witherspoon tells was “I’m fucking freezing!” Lorne Michaels prompted her to say the line, promising that he would pay the FCC indecency fine just so he could prove to viewers that New York City was back up and running, but Witherspoon declined just before the live show because she knew her younger fans would be watching. Transcript
Preparation HSummary: A group of skateboarding teenagers are proud users of the H ointment.
Wake Up, WakefieldSummary: Megan (Maya Rudolph) introduces the new viewer window, then interviews Randy Goldman’s (Jimmy Fallon) girlfriend and Spanish Club President, Gretchen Doyle (Reese Witherspoon). Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglian, Randy Goldman. Transcript
The Little MermaidSummary: The Little Mermaid (Reese Witherspoon) grosses out a sailor (Will Ferrell) with songs about her fish genitalia. Transcript
Alicia Keys performs “Fallin'”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) explains how the Taliban called him right after 9/11. Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson. Transcript
The CulpsSummary: Marty Culp (Will Ferrell) and Bobbi Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) perform a medley for their niece’s lesbian wedding. Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp. Transcript
Celebrity JeopardySummary: Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) competes against Anne Heche (Witherspoon) and Chris Tucker (Dean Edwards). Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Anne Heche. Transcript
Alicia Keys performs “A Woman’s Worth”
Farting BabySummary: A baby’s outrageous flatulence problem is the least of this sketch’s worries. Transcript
Donatella Versace For the ChildrenSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) releases a terrible children’s album. Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Karl Lagerfeld. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan) tries to use his wily charms on Paula Zahn (Reese Witherspoon). Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Senor Guadalupe Ramirez, Paula Zahn. Note: This sketch airs on next week’s show, with cast member Amy Poehler assuming the role of Paula Zahn.
Newscaster Party David Letterman (Jeff Richards) appears at Ted Koppel’s (Darrell Hammond) party. Recurring Characters: Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Ted Koppel, Helen Thomas, Starr Jones, David Letterman.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Chris Kattan gives a Terrible Re-Enactment of John McEnroe firing. Jon Stewart jumps in when Jimmy Fallon is incapacitated. Drunk Girl gives tips for a safe Spring Break. Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.
India.Arie performs “Video”
BET Jazz: Jazzvisions Spoon instrumentalist Lonny Bartz (Stewart) discusses his music career.
We Were Soldiers That Knew What Women Want Mel Gibson (Stewart) movie combo poorly addresses two subjects.
India.Arie performs “Ready For Love”
My Big Thick Novel Author debates whether or not he should jump from party.
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Episodes
Air Date:
Britney Spears, “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman”
Ashcroft’s Press ConferenceSummary: John Ashcroft’s (Darrell Hammond) terrorism warning has sketchy details.
India.Arie, “Video”
