Category: 2017

Weekend Update Dog Clone

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a dog at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A company in Texas is offering a service that will allow people to make an identical clone of their dog for $50,000. That story again, for $50,000, a company in Texas will sell you a different golden Retriever.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Roger Goodell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly seeking a contract extension that would provide him with a salary of $50 million, use of a private jet, and lifetime health insurance for him and his family. That’s how expensive healthcare is. He is going to make $50 million a year and he’s still like, “What about the healthcare, though?”

[Picture changes to a man with very long mustache]

A man in India has set a new world record for longest mustache, growing it out to over 18 feet. It’s all part of his plan to someday die on an escalator.

[Picture changes to Prince Willian and Prince Harry]

It was reported that Prince William and Prince Harry will make cameos in the new Star Wars movie as storm troopers. Even more surprising, the whole time it’s been Queen Elizabeth inside C3-PO.

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Thanksgiving is next week and here with his unique take on the holiday is veteran stand-up comic. You know, he helped me out a lot when I first started. Please welcome, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bruce Chandling: Oh, hey, hey!

Michael Che: How are you?

Bruce Chandling: Hey, Michael. Good to be here. [delivering bad punch line] Now, where is the food, dude?

Michael Che: Um, Bruce, as you know, thanksgiving isn’t until next Thursday.

Bruce Chandling: No, I know. I’m just– I’m very hungry. We gotta love thanksgiving, right? I love the story of thanksgiving. Pilgrims come to America. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] They are on this big boat. But it’s not an easy journey. They gotta deal with the cold weather, cramped quarters, people getting sick, and worst of all, [delivering bad punch line] bad satellite reception when they are trying to watch the big game.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: I’m sorry, you think that pilgrims had TV but with bad reception?

Bruce Chandling: Exactly. The star of the show is the big meal, right? Coz I’m the corn on the cob guy. You heard about this? [Michael Che shakes his head no] [Cut to Bruce Chandling]You’ve seen this? You know, I can’t get enough of the stuff. But the Indians, they don’t call it corn. They call it maize. [delivering bad punch line] As in, maize i have a second helping?

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Oh, Bruce, man, I don’t like that one at all.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, what’s the matter, Michael? [delivering bad punch line] Too corny?

Michael Che: Hey, please stop.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, just 45 minutes left. By the way, you know, thanks for helping out a fellow comic. It really means a lot to me.

Michael Che: I think we’re pretty different, actually.

Bruce Chandling: No. Of course, the day after thanksgiving, they got Black Friday. Heard about this one? Seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah, I’ve hear of it.

Bruce Chandling: It’s where you got all the deals at the mini mall.

Michael Che: Mini mall?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Ay, the Mini mall. Personally, I think they should change the name from Black Friday to Black and Blue Friday. [delivering bad punch line] Because that’s how you are going to look if you get between me and the hottest toy.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Bruce, you’re not actually fighting people for toys, are you?

Bruce Chandling: Don’t worry, Michael. I ain’t. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] [being emotional] I mean, even if I got the toy, I wouldn’t have anyone special to give it to. I always wanted to have a little Bruce, you know? But I can’t. Because my body don’t work that way.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Hey, I’m sorry about that, Bruce.

Bruce Chandling: IT’s probably for the best.

Michael Che: Don’t say that.

Bruce Chandling: I wouldn’t even be able to take care of him. I can’t get a job. Don’t even know how to write cursive.

Michael Che: I don’t think you need to know cursive to get a job.

Bruce Chandling: The problem is, I don’t know non-cursive either.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah, Bruce, seems like you’re having a rough time. You know what? Why don’t you come over and celebrate thanksgiving with me and my family. How about that?

Bruce Chandling: Hmm. I guess. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] You know what they say…

Michael Che: Oh, dude!

Bruce Chandling: [delivering bad punch line] Where’s the food, dude?

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: That was the worst one yet. Bruce Chandling, everybody.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, still got 42 minutes left.

Michael Che: No. You’re done.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think he’s getting better.

Wayne Thanksgiving

Bruce… Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Chance the Rapper

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a clip of Wayne Manor in Gotham City in Thanksgiving eve’]

[Cut to the thanksgiving party inside Wayne Manor]

Kate: Bruce, the mayor once again thanks you for your generosity. Your annual Wayne Manor holiday food drive has become an important tradition for our inner city in these hard times.

Bruce: Please, whatever I can do to give back to the good citizens of Gotham is my pleasure.

Kate: Also, some of the people that you helped this year would just like to personally say thank you if it’s not too much trouble.

Bruce: Oh, of course not. I would love to talk to them.

Kate: Okay, wonderful. Right, this way.

[Leslie and Chance walk in]

Leslie: Thank you so much, Mr. Wayne. The food drive is a godsend. We haven’t gotten this lucky since the Joker hijacked the fresh direct truck and left it open in the projects.

Bruce: Well, the joker is a bad man. And we’re very lucky that Batman has brought him to justice.

Leslie: Either way, me and my son really thank you.

Chance: Can I ask him now, mama?

Leslie: Boy! I am not bothering this nice man. He has done a good thing. Let it go.

Bruce: What is it, son? You can ask your old pal Bruce anything.

Chance: Okay, Bruce, do you know how Batman is always so tough on crime?

Bruce: He sure is, son. And I’ll tell you a little secret. I actually know Batman.

Chance: Okay. Well, can you tell him to cool it down in our neighborhood?

Bruce: Cool it down? What do you mean?

Chance: Somebody’s gotta do something about him. I mean, he broke my best friend’s jaw in two places and all he did was steal a TV. That’s excessive.

[Leslie tries to shut Chance up]

Leslie: Malik!

Bruce: It’s okay, ma’am. Listen, Malik. Stealing is a crime and Batman doesn’t take crime lightly.

Chance: Obviously, coz then he zip lined him to the top of the building and then left him hanging for like, 30 minutes, 30 stories up on a gargoyle by his under wear.

Bruce: Um, well, Batman fights crime wherever he sees it.

Chance: Just seems like he’s in our neighborhood all the time.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Who y’all talking about? Batman?

Leslie and Chance: Yeah.

Kenan: Man, somebody has to do something about him.

Chance: That’s what I’m saying.

Kenan: You know, he broke my jaw in three places just for littering.

Leslie: For real?

Chance: See? I told you.

Kenan: Yeah. He did that back hand thing and like, knocked all my damn teeth out.

Bruce: Alright. Well, there’s a lot of other families that would like to talk to me, now.

Kenan: Then, he picked my ass up in that zip line thing. Sent me flying up like 30 stories on a gargoyle and just left me there hanging by my drawers.

Leslie: Why does he always leave brothers dangling from the gargoyle?

Chance: It’s weird. That’s my whole point.

Bruce: Look, crime happens really fast. I’m sure Batman has to make a lot of split seconds judgment calls.

[Chris walks in]

Chris: Who y’all talking about? Batman?

All: Yeah.

Chris: Somebody got to do something about him, man. Man, my car stalled out in the middle of the road one night and he came out of nowhere and broke all my damn windows. Snatched me out the car and threw me outside of a Best Buy.

Chance: Did your jaw break?

Chris: Oh, for sure. Immediately. It goes without saying. He just leaves me hanging there. I’m like, “Um, hello, am I even under arrest? Am I gonna get charged for something?”

Kenan: You know, he crashed a full plane on my street and then just walked away. I was like, “I guess my mercury bobcat is under here somewhere.”

Bruce: Look, I’m sorry.

Kenan: Sorry?

Chance: Why are you sorry?

Bruce: I’m just empathizing, like, I’m sorry for you.

Leslie: Well, I tell you what, I hope somebody kicks Batman’s ass.

Kenan: Whoo! I would love that. We should all jump him. The whole community. Teach him a lesson.

Chris: Yeah, yeah. Get all the baseball bats we can find and break his jaw for a change.

Chance: Yeah. Leave him hanging by his drawers for a change.

Bruce: I don’t think that’s a good idea, guys.

Chance: You’re right. We should burn his cave down.

All: Yeah!

Bruce: No, not my cave!

Chris: What?

Chance: What?

Bruce: Is what he would say, I’m sure. Look, I’ll talk to Batman for you guys. I’ll tell him to give you all a break. He’s not a bad guy, I swear.

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: What y’all talking about? Batman?

All: Yeah.

Chance: Somebody’s gotta do something about him.

Melissa: Oh, don’t worry about that. My cousin is locked up with the joker right now and they are cooking a perfect plan to get rid of him for good.

Chance: That’s what I’m talking about.

Chris: Whatever I could do to help.

Bruce: Um, so what’s this plan?

Leslie: Don’t worry about it, Mr. Wayne. You’ve done enough for us.

Melissa: Come on, y’all. I’ll tell you all about it. The joker’s gonna cut off Batman’s weiner.

Bruce: Not my weiner! Is what he’s going to say!

Sports Announcer

Dale Worthy… Beck Bennett

Chrissy Smith… Cecily Strong

Laslo Holmes… Chance the Rapper

Skjei… Alex Moffat

Tim Hayward… Mikey Day

[Starts with MSG network intro]

Male voice: You’re watching MSG network, home of the Knicks and Rangers.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith in their set]

Dale Worthy: Welcome back, Rangers fans. Dale Worthy here in the booth with Crissy Smith. It’s the end of the second period down on the ice and the Rangers lead the Oilers, 3-2.

Chrissy Smith: Our regular rinkside reporter Paul Hanley is out today on diaper duty. He and his lovely wife Joan welcomed their first child, a healthy future Rangers fan named Cole. Congrats to them.

Dale Worthy: Luckily, [Cut to split screen between Laslo Holmes and Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith] Laslo Holmes who usually covers the Knicks for us here at MSG is filling in for Paul while he’s out. He’s down there rinkside now. How are you doing down there, Las?

[Cut to Laslo Holmes]

Laslo Holmes: In a word, cold. It’s very cold all around here. I’m just playing. I’m having fun here at the hockey game. Lots of fun hockey going on. Lots of white dudes on skates running into each other at full speed. I don’t get it. No, I’m just messing around. Very different from working at the Knicks games. Much colder.

[Cut to split screen with Laslo Holmes and Dale Worthy]

Dale Worthy: Las, what’s your impression of the game so far?

Laslo Holmes: Well, Dale, the story of the game is one of the main guys on the Rangers, don’t know how to say his name. It has like thirty letters in it, none of them are vowels. He’s playing great which is crazy because he got in a full fistfight in the first minute of the game. But hey, as they say in hockey, let’s do that hockey. I miss the Knicks. I’m just kidding. Laslo Holmes, very cold, rickside, Rangers versus Oilers.

Dale Worthy: Now, Las, I wanna talk bout this Ranger offense.

Laslo Holmes: You should do that.

Dale Worthy: I meant with you, Las. Now, they came out of the box with an aggressive offense we haven’t seen from then in a while.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[Chrissy Smith takes Dale Worthy’s place]

Chrissy Smith: From down there on the ice, who do you think really made a difference in the first period?

Laslo Holmes: Definitely the hockey players, Chrissy. They were the ones who got all the scores. Then you’ve got the goalie, wearing every pad in the world and a baseball glove. He’s working very hard too. It’s so cold here.

Chrissy Smith: Hey Las, I see one of the players there. I wonder if you could get a few questions in.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes]

Laslo Holmes: Great. Um, let’s talk to him. [Skjei walks in] Come on over here, dude. Okay, I’m here with– can you turn around so I can get that name? [The jersey has ‘Skjei’ printed on it] Yes, that is S, a K and a J all next to each other. So, that’s a no. I’m here with my main man. And I got to know, in the next period, how are you going to do that hockey?

Skjei: Well, you know, we just got to keep up the pressure up and stay out of the box.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

Skjei: And we’re going to watch the icing calls. Coach said we were icing so much we could open a bakery. Ha-ha-ha.

Laslo Holmes: I do not get that.

Skjei: Yeah. But we really just got to play smart and keep moving the puck and avoid those five minutes majors.

Laslo Holmes: This man has said it all. Let me ask, are you also cold as hell?

Skjei: Um, no. I’m kind of hot, actually.

Laslo Holmes: Yes. I’m very cold. So that’s the story here in hell. Back to you guys in the booth.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith]

Chrissy Smith: Well, the story of the game has been the power play. Here with a closer look is out play by play analyst Tim Hayward who joins Las, rinkside.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes and Tim Hayward]

Tim Hayward: Hey, Chrissy. You said it, two of the three ranger goals came while the Oilers were shorthanded.

Laslo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

Tim Hayward: Let’s take a look at one now. [Cut to the replay of the game] Rangers on the power play here. We can stop that. There is Shattenkirk at the point. And watch Buchnevic find that open ice in the middle lane there.

Laslo Holmes: Um, and Dale and Chrissy, it was here when I saw something that was very interesting. Can we punch in on that. [Laslo Holmes zooms in to the audience. Kenan is rooting the the game.] There is a black hockey fan. He doesn’t look cold at all. So, I will be talking to him in the post game show and find out exactly what’s going on there.

[Cut to Laslo Holmes and Tim Hayward]

Tim Hayward: Anyway, the Rangers scored a goal there. Dale, Chrissy, back to you.

[Cut to Dale Worthy and Chrissy Smith]

Chrissy Smith: Thanks Tim. Las, do you have any thoughts on if the coach is going to stick with his strategy of keeping those line changes pretty short?

Laslo Holmes: No.

Chrissy Smith: Alright. Well, thanks, Las.

[horn honking]

Dale Worthy: And there’s the horn. And you know what that means.

Laslo Holmes: I do not.

Dale Worthy: It’s time for the third period. We’ll check back in with Las later who will be covering every Rangers game for us while our regular rinkside commentator Paul is back from Paternity leave.

Chrissy Smith: Paul, we’ll see you in six months.

Laslo Holmes: Six months?

Dale Worthy: Third period starts now.

Laslo Holmes: When did we start doing paternity leave?

Rap History

Lil’ Doo Doo… Pete Davidson

Corey Bonds… Kenan Thompson

Kenneth Moore… Chance the Rapper

Eddie Smith… Chris Redd

[Starts with video clips of hiphop culture in the streets]

Female voice: Hiphop has always been extremely competitive, specially between the generations.

Questlove: You know, you always gotta pay homage to the pioneers that put it down before us because if it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t be here.

Common: It’s a respect thing. I’ve always been as student of hiphop.

Questlove: These new rappers coming out getting deals without even knowing the history of the game. It’s crazy.

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo. He has colorful hair, face tattoos, oversized sun glasses and blings.]

Female voice: Perhaps, there’s no better example of this than budding Soundcloud rapper Lil’ Doo Doo.

Lil’ Doo Doo: [rapping] Doodie gang, Doodie gang, Doodie gang, Doodie gang
wipe my butt with cocaine

Female voice: Who caused controversy recently when he claimed publicly that he’s never heard rap before 2009.

Lil’ Doo Doo: Ah, my influences? Sometimes I listen to old school hiphop, you know. Like, Soulja Boy, Bow Wow, sometimes Nick Cannon. You feel me?

Interview: What do you think about Run DMC?

Lil’ Doo Doo: Um, I think Hillary Clinton should have won.

Female voice: Lil’ Doo Doo’s attitude rubbed many hip hop pioneers the wrong way. Most notedly late 70 rappers, the Soul Crush Crew.

Corey Bonds: Man, all that ink on his face must be sleeping into his brain. Dissing the old school in the Soul Crush Crew.

Kenneth Moore: That child know nothing about hiphop. I don’t even recognize the new junk.

Eddie Smith: Boy, looking like that? He would not have made it back in my day.. where it all started. Let me take you back, 1978, the Bronx, New York.

Corey Bonds: Broken glass. Rats and roaches. Abandoned buildings. We had to dress tough. Not like this clown here.

[Cut to old picture of Soul Crush Crew. They were wearing funky outfit for that time.]

Kenneth Moore: I’m Kool Kenny Blade.

Eddie Smith: Chief Bronco.

Corey Bonds: And I’m DJ Grand Wizard Karate.

Kenneth Moore: And together, we are the Soul Crush Crew.

Corey Bonds: Rough!

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo laughin]

Lil’ Doo Doo: What the [bleep] was that, bro?

Kenneth Moore: We looked good.

Eddie Smith: All leather, everything.

Corey Bonds: Chains, spikes, fingerless gloves.

Kenneth Moore: And absolutely, no underclothes.

Corey Bonds: Fur coat. Pearls. Broaches. Pillbox hat. Tough stuff.

Eddie Smith: See, we was a group. So, we had to match. My thing was Indian head dresses and chaps because I’m Chief Bronco.

Corey Bonds: I always wore karate pants because my beats was kicking.

Kenneth Moore: And I never wore drawers. Swinging.

[Cut to Questlove]

Interviewer: You heard of Soul Crush Crew?

Questlove: Soul Crush Crew? Um..

[Cut to videos of Soul Crush Crew]

Kenneth Moore: Singing about popping pills and sipping lean. Please! These drugs are frying your brain.

Eddie Smith: The only drugs we ever did was reefer with a little bit of crack in it.

Corey Bonds: I bet this chump don’t even have a DJ.

Kenneth Moore: All our raps was clear and concise. And everything made sense.

[music playing]

Eddie Smith: Dibby, dibby, dabba, dabba, dibby
Dibby, dibby, dabba, dabba, dibby

Common: They’re the only rappers that I know that are pro crack.

Kenneth Moore: To the beat y’all, you don’t stop
I like my reefer with crack rock

Corey Bonds: Rough!

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo]

Lil’ Doo Doo: Alright, turn that off! This is ridiculous.

[Corey Bonds, Kenneth Moore and Eddie Smith walk in to confront Lil’ Doo Doo]

Kenneth Moore: What? You’re ridiculous.

Eddie Smith: Your raps are ridiculous.

Corey Bonds: Well, look at this chump. I bet you don’t even got a DJ.

Interviewer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Let’s take five minutes, everyone. [Cut to video bumper. Plays sound of smoking drugs.]

[Cut to Lil’ Doo Doo, Corey Bonds, Kenneth Moore and Eddie Smith]

Lil’ Doo Doo: Yo, I talked to these dudes. We cool now. You feel me? We smoked some weed.

Eddie Smith: With a little bit of crack in it.

Lil’ Doo Doo: Ha-ha.

Corey Bonds: Rough!

Porn Pizza Delivery

Jasmine… Heidi Gardner

Delivery boy… Chance the Rapper

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Skank Babysitter 17 intro]

[Cut to Jasmine sitting on a couch]

Jasmine: The kid I’m babysitting is finally asleep. Now I can study for college. [doorbell ringing] Who could that be?

[Jasmine walks to the door and opens it. A pizza delivery guy walks in.]

Delivery boy: Pizza delivery. I got extra large sausage just for you.

Jasmine: For the 17th, I didn’t order any pizza.

Delivery boy: Well, I would hate for all this sausage to go to waste.

Jasmine: Oh, wait. I know somewhere we can put it.

Delivery boy: Oh, yeah?

Jasmine: Freak, yeah!

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Whoa! Ms. Jasmine, you ordered us a pizza? You’re the coolest babysitter ever.

Delivery boy: What?

Aidy: Wait a minute. We already ate dinner. Aren’t you full?

Jasmine: Yeah. But I want to be stuffed

Aidy: Whatever you say, Ms. Jasmine, I love pizza.

Delivery boy: It’s an extra, extra large. Almost nine inches.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak, yeah.

Aidy: Nine inches? That sounds more like personal pan to me. Is that really enough for both of us?

Jasmine: Don’t talk back. I’m in charge even though I’m only 19.

Aidy: What? I saw your driver’s license, you’re 39. Anyway, I’m gonna go get some plates. Be right back, Ms. Jasmine.

Jasmine: Um, come over here, pizza guy.

Delivery boy: Okay, so, what do you think about my pizza delivery?

Jasmine: It was good. You came so fast.

Delivery boy: Sorry about that. It’s been three days since I delivered a pizza.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Whoa! Are you staying to eat the pizza with us?

Delivery boy: Um, yeah.

Aidy: Oh, cool. Make yourself at home. I’m sorry, we only have this black heather couch and two fake plants and no rugs or TV or anything.

Delivery boy: That’s okay. I’ll do it anywhere they tell me.

Aidy: Oh, that’s the spirit. [Aidy opens the pizza box. The pizza has a hole in the middle.] Umm– whoa, wait a minute. There’s a hole in the middle of this pizza.

Delivery boy: That’s for the sausage.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak yeah.

Aidy: Hold one. Ms. Jasmine, we’re getting ripped off. Don’t tip this guy.

Delivery boy: No, I give her the tip.

Aidy: Wait, you do? So, you bring us the pizza and we get a tip? Never mind, you guys are the best pizza place ever. That’s your pizza place called?

Delivery boy: [Looking at his shirt. There is no name, just ‘Pizza’.] Pizza.

Aidy: I know. But what’s the restaurant?

Delivery boy: Pizza.

Aidy: Whatever you say.

Jasmine: Did you bring me any dessert, big boy?

Delivery boy: I sure did. 100 pounds of chocolate. [pointing at himself]

Aidy: You brought chocolate too? Oh, you’re the best delivery guy ever.

Delivery boy: I’m not just a delivery guy. I’m also a masseuse, a bus driver and a step-son.

Aidy: Whoa, Ms. Jasmine’s a bus driver too.

Jasmine: I don’t drive. I just lay down in the back.

Aidy: Oh, wow. Well, that’s a job, sign me up. [doorbell ringing] Oh, it’s a door bell. I’ll get it.

[Aidy walks to the door and opens it. Three men walk in.]

Beck: Did someone call a plumber?

Alex: And a handy man.

Kyle: And order a package?

Aidy: Wow you guys are still on the clock this late? You work really hard.

Beck: So hard.

Alex: Super hard.

Kyle: And I’m just medium hard. But they can cut around it.

Aidy: Okay, well don’t mind me. I’ll just be here eating some pizza.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Aidy: It’s really cold.

Family Feud- Harvey Family Thanksgiving

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Janelle… Leslie Jones

Mike… Chris Redd

Andre… Michael Che

Ricky Harvey

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Peter… Beck Bennett

Justin… Mikey Day

Cecil… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud, thanks giving edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Okay, now, welcome to a special thanksgiving edition of Family Feud. Now, some folks like white meat. Some folks like dark meat. Let me tell you a secret. Everybody like dark meat. Now, thanksgiving is all about family. So, I got two special ones here today. First, it’s my own. It’s the Harvey family.

[Cut to the Harvey family]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. These people are not only related to me, but they also work in Steve Harvey organization. First, we got my wife, Janelle who handles all my appearances. What else I got to do today, darling?

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Well, after this, you got your daytime show. Then you got your radio show. Then you got your book signing at Red Lobster.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Yeah. You like it when I’m busy. Big daddy getting that money. Ha-ha. Next, we’ve got my brother, Mike, who designs all my suits.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up, Steve? I came up with a new suit color yesterday. It is palorange.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That’s gonna be a number one best seller. Plorange. Ha-ha-ha. I like that. Plorange. Next, we got my nephew Andre who writes jokes for me.

[Cut to Andre]

Andre: That’s right. I came up with the bit on ‘Little Big Shots’ where when a child says something you stare at him for 20 seconds like he’s a ghost.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you mean like this? [Steve Harvey looks at camera] Yeah, I love that bit, man. And finally, we got my cousin Ricky who runs my personal line of mustache conditioning products.

[Cut to Ricky Harvey]

Ricky Harvey: That’s right. It’s called the Greasy Caterpillar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huge seller, man. Make you mustache dark and shiny like a slippery little penguin. And on the other side, we have got the Diedrichson family. [Cut to Diedrichson family. They are white] Now, we not blood related but these folks are like family to me. Carol Diedrichson has been on of my closest friends for over 30 years.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol: Yeah, that’s true. And I brought my wonderful family. You remember my husband Peter?

[cut to Peter]

Peter: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, good to see you, Peter.

Carol: My son, Justin.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin: Hey, Steve.

[cut to Carol]

Carol: And my other son, Cecil.

[Cut to Cecil. He is black. he has mustache like Steve Harvey, he looks like Steve Harvey and he speaks like Steve Harvey.]

Cecil: How you doing, player? [he speaks like Steve Harvey]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, hey there, Cecil. Wow. You sure have grown up since I last saw you.

[Cut to Cecil]

Cecil: Yeah, it has been a minute.

[Cut to Carol looking at Steve Harvey and Cecil]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hm, there’s something about you.

[Cut to Janelle looking furious at Steve Harvey]

Janelle: Yeah, I say so.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just start the game? Give me two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Janelle and Carol walk to the stage. Carol tries to shake her hand with Janelle but Janelle rejects.]

Janelle: No, thank you.

Steve Harvey: What? I thought you all was friends. Women are strange. Okay, 100 people surveyed. Top four answers on the board. Name something that you’re thankful for.

[Carol presses the button]

Carol: My home.

Steve Harvey: Oh, good answer. Good answer. You like your home, huh?

Carol: Oh, yes. We love it in Tempe.

Steve Harvey: Tempe, Arizona? Oh, I love Tempe. I spent some time on tour there about 17, 18 years ago.

Carol: Oh, I remember. It was raining.

Steve Harvey: Huh! Anyway, show me a place to do the nasty!

[right answer bell]

Ay! Number one answer. Alright, do y’all want to pass or play?

Carol: Well, I’m glad to play with you, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, you were always like that.

Carol: Yeah.

[Steve Harvey peeks at Janelle. She is looking at him furiously.]

Alright, come on Diedrichson family. Something that you are thankful for. Peter? [Steve Harvey walks to Dierdrichson family]

Peter: Well, I hope this isn’t selfish, Steve, but I’m thankful for money. Not for me, but to provide for my family. Like, equipment for Justin’s street hockey team. Or buying pocket squares and super shiny shoes for Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you like shiny shoes, huh?

Cecil: Yeah. The shinier the better.

Steve Harvey: I hear you, man. I love me some gators. Show me, getting that money. [right answer bell] Alright, it’s up there. Okay, we got two left. Justin, something that you’re thankful for.

Justin: Oh, um, I gotta say my health. I’m the fastest one on my cross country team. But I’m not strong like Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, he is strong, ain’t he? He must have good genes.

Justin: Oh, yeah. Cecil’s always been big.He’s had a full mustache since age 11.

Cecil: And, I was the sexiest boy in the 6th grade.

Steve Harvey: Well, you and I are very similar. Show me, big and manly at an early age. [right answer bell] Oh, yes.

[Justin and Cecil do high-five]

Cecil: Half brother. All in.

Steve Harvey: Wait, wait. Hold up? Half brother? I thought you wasadopted.

Cecil: Oh, no, Steve. Mama had me before she got married 17 years ago.

Steve Harvey: 17 years? Okay. Now, I’m doing a math. That’s–

Steve Harvey and Cecil: Kind of freaky.

[Steve Harvey and Cecil look at each other awkwardly]

Steve Harvey: Oh my lord, help me. [sad music playing] [Steve Harvey walks to Carol] I did a bad thing. I did bad. I thought I was out. I thought I was all the way out.

Carol: No, Steve, there’s nothing you need to do, okay?

Peter: And what are we talking about?

Carol: Steve, Steve, look at me. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Steve Harvey: But, is he smart os is he like– [pointing at himself]

Carol: He’s so smart, Steve. So, smart. Go over. Say hi.

[Steve Harvey walks to Cecil]

Steve Harvey: Hey, there, little fellow. Do you mind if I play the feud with you? Tell me what you’r thankful for.

Cecil: Well, player, I’m thankful for family in whatever form it takes.

Steve Harvey: You damn right. Show me family. [right answer bell] Ay! There it is. The Diedrichson family win. Next up, we going to play the lightning round but I feel like I should just give them the money. We’ll be right back.

Janelle: Hold up. This ain’t no happy ending.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, we got a lot of stuff to talk about. We do.

Come Back, Barack

Chance the Rapper

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

[Music video starts. Artists- De-Von-Tre, song- “Come Back”.]

[Chance the Rapper, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson are the singers]

Chance the Rapper: Ooh!

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chance the Rapper: [singing] This time a year I get thankful babe
thankful for you

Kenan Thompson: But now, you’re gone
and I don’t know what to do

Chris Redd: You were so intelligent, you were so strong
waited my whole life for you, so damn long

Chance the Rapper: And now I see you moving on
and I’m begging you come back home

All: And every night
I turn the TV on and cry
I say why
I feel like we’re all going to die

So, come back Barack [Chris Redd is looking at Barack Obama’s picture]
even though it’s not allowed
we want you back somehow
I need you in my life

So, come back Barack,
we didn’t know just what we had
Now things are looking bad
like, really bad, like, World War bad, like, nuclear bad
So, come back Barack

Chance the Rapper: I see you hang gliding
living your life

Kenan Thompson: Dropping your daughter off
at college with your wife

Chris Redd: And you look so damn happy
and you deserve it, yeah, but I’m a selfish man

Kenan Thompson: And I know there is other democrats
more than just a few

Chance the Rapper: But when I think of change
the only chance I want is you

All: I’m in hell, dreaming about you and Michelle

So, come back Barack,
don’t leave us here alone
please pick up the phone
the White House ain’t a home

Just come back Barack

Kenan Thompson: It’s been a long time, Barack. Almost as long as since the guy talked over a record like this but for real, why would leave us? Oh, coz you had to? Because of the constitution? But you can come back, right? Oh, you can’t? Coz that would undermine the very institutions that we’re barely holding on to as it is? I see. I guess we stuck with this dude for a while then. Maybe you can come back and make a speech? How much would that cost? For real? Oh, no, we definitely can’t afford that. So, I’m just getting rained over for nothing. That’s interesting. Well, you enjoy your retirement, homie.

All: Come back Barack,
we need you all so bad
2020’s looking sad

Kenan Thompson: Maybe Michelle could run.

All: Like, really sad, like, super sad, like, what the hell we gonna do sad

Kenan Thompson: No, let’s not put Michelle through that.

All: Come back Barack

Kenan Thompson: But if she wanted to–

Chris Redd: I’d vote for Joe Biden

Kenan Thompson: What about George Clooney? I mean, that dude was Batman. That’d be cool. You know what? I don’t think the three of us have firmest grasp on government. But, hey, happy thanksgiving, everybody.

All: Come back Barack!

Chance-giving monologue

Chance the Rapper

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chance The Rapper.

[Chance The Rapper walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chance The Rapper: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so happy to be here hosting SNL. I’ve been here before as a musical guest, but this is the first time I’ve had to like, talk and stuff. So, we’ll see how it goes. I don’t have anything to promote tonight. The only thing I’m here to celebrate is thanksgiving. And in that spirit, in that spirit of giving, I pledge to give $1 million to Chicago’s public schools. Thank you. Thank you. The only problem is, I talked to my accountant and I do not have it. So, I need to make some money very fast. But then I realized there’s no good thanksgiving songs. And you can make some serious cash off a holiday hit. Mariah Carey is at that tree lighting every year singing ‘All I want for Christmas is you’. And it’s not coz she loves giant trees. It’s coz she loves having a third assistant whose only job is to yell at her second assistant. [music playing] So, tonight, I want to become the Mariah Carey of thanksgiving. And I want my song to honor what’s truly special about this holiday, how it’s the one time a year you invite all of your relatives to dinner, even the ones you can’t stand. So to all you outcasts and wierdos in the family, this one’s for you.

[singing] It’s thanksgiving time
the one day a year
when you invite the folks
that you normally fear
it’s thanksgiving time
when you are forced to see
every single bad apple
on your whole family tree

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

Kate and Cecily: [singing] Yeah, you are technically related
but they don’t share you dreams

Chance The Rapper: They’re your cousin in laws
whatever that means

Kate and Cecily: They won’t be at your wedding
you don’t know their full name

Chance The Rapper: One is a failed magician
and the other’s just insane

[Kate and Cecily walk out]

It’s thanksgiving time
no one said it would be fun

[Leslie walks in with a bag, and shows Chance The Rapper a handgun]

like when your aunt Shavonne
showed you a gun

your niece is gonna cry
about how no one is woke
and that’s the exact time
your uncle decides to tell a Cosby joke

It’s thanksgiving time
so say goodbye to all the rules
your uncle brought his oxygen
and he’s chain smoking kools

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

All: It’s thanksgiving time
they’re a total train wreck
but on this day
they gone get our respect

[Kate and Cecily walk out]

Chance The Rapper: And of course, we can’t forget the real heroes of thanksgiving , the turkeys. Can I get an amen?

[Cut to turkeys wearing priest robes]

Turkies: Amen.

Chance The Rapper: I said, can I get an amen?

Turkies: Amen.

Chance The Rapper: Can I get a drum-stick?

Turkies: Hell, no!

[Cut to Chance The Rapper]

Chance The Rapper: I tried. Come on.

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

All: It’s thanksgiving time
and we’re all on one side
except for the turkeys
who are all gonna die

[Kate and Cecily walk away]

Chance The Rapper: It’s thanksgiving time
get out the carving knife
your uncle showed up with a woman
who is not his wife

And I apologize
for causing such a fuss
because now all your relatives are gonna say,
“Is that song about us?”

And you can tell them
you can tell them

[SNL cast joins Chance The Rapper on the stage]

All: It’s thanks giving time
it’s only one day a year
so just drink the red wine

and eight to ten beers.

and let everyone
and you crazy aunt to see
Chance The Rapper: Coz it’s stuffing and loving and cousins and ovens and belt notch and Justin.

All: It’s thanksgiving time.

[Music stops]

[cheers and applause]

Chance The Rapper: we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Eminem is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Career Day

Mrs. Sellers… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Tollerson… Cecily Strong

Matthew… Pete Davidson

Luke Null

Robby… Mikey Day

Scott… Chance the Rapper

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Bill… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mrs. Sellers speaking to the class]

Mrs. Sellers: Well, I would say that there are more fun days than stressful days.

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Big hand for Matthew’s mom for telling us about her awesome job as a roller coaster designer for six flags.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, there is one last thing. Matthew, do you want to tell them?

Matthew: Um, my mom got the whole class annual passes to six flags.

Luke: Mrs. Sellers, you just made Matthew the coolest kid in school. Whoo!

[students are celebrating]

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Okay. This is a career week first. Roller coaster designing sounds very fun. Are they hiring?

Mrs. Sellers: Well, you need engineering degree.

[Mrs. Sellers walks away]

Mrs. Tollerson: No, that was a joke! Now, let’s bring up Scott and Robby to introduce their dads who are business partners. A double presentation, how fun.

[Robby and Scott walk to the front]

Robby: Well, um, Matthew’s mom is a tough act to follow. Roller coaster designer is very sweet. But I think our dads are up to the challenge. They are general contractors.

Scott: Trust me. It’s a lot cooler than it sounds. So, give it up for our dads, Bill and Gary.

Robby: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott take their seats. Gary and Bill walk to the front.]

Gary: Hello.

Bill: Good morning. Thanks. Gary and I started a company in 1996 called Petrol Works LLC.

Robby: Aw, such a dope name? Right? Petrol Works!

Bill: And we specialize in below ground construction of fuel tanks and flow piping for gas stations.

Scott: Yeap! This is happening.

Robby: Yeah. Pretty cool, right guys?

Gary: So, I guess we’ll kind of just take you through the process from the bid to the construction phase. First, we get contacted by a client such as Chevron.

Scott: Did you say Chevron? I think I speak for the entire class when I say, “Matthew’s mom, you suck!”

Gary: Hey, Scott! Alright. Other clients include Mobil, Exxon and Shell.

Robby: Wait! Mobil, Exxon and Shell? I mean, raise your hand if you just got so excited you blew your butt hole out.

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie? Language. And boys, I’m glad you are excited, but please let your dads talk.

Bill: Alright. So, when a client wants to build a new service station, we put together a bid, i.e., how much it will cost to build the fuel system.

Robby: Oh my god, I need some water. This is so dope. So dope.

Bill: Some jobs are more complicated than others. We had a job last year where the gas station was built on a hill.

[Robby sprays the water in his mouth on Melissa’s face]

Robby: A hill? That’s so bad ass!

Melissa: Gross!

Bill: Robbie, what are you doing? Knock it off, son!

Gary: And fun fact, petrol works is the first GV firm to use solar powered flow valve switches.

Scott: Solar powered flow valve switches? Status of my jeans, please? Scanning jeans. Your jeans are creamed.

Gary: Hey, stop that porno movie talk stuff now. Alright. Let’s continue, Bill.

Bill: Alright. A big also consists of a field survey, which is my favorite part because it gets us out of the office.

Robby: Ha-ha. And that cool joke makes it official, I want to bang my dad.

Bill: What the hell did you just say, Robbie?

Scott: Sorry, sir, your job is just so cool, you’re making the entire class horny.

Gary: Hey! I don’t know why you going so crazy for our job, but stop it with the weird stuff. What is next, Bill?

Bill: Um, we wanted to show you all a picture from the construction process. This is from a Mobil station job in the North Fullerton.

[Gary holds a picture of the pipe work]

Scott: Oh my god.

Robby: That is the dopest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Oh, I need to lie down. I’m gonna be faint. Oh my god, it’s just too dope, the pipes!

[Robby falls on classroom’s table and breaks it]

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie?

Bill: Oh, come on, Robby, what the hell are you doing? Get up.

Gary: Hey, Scott Douglas, put your clothes back on right now!

[Scott is only wearing is underwear]

Scott: I can’t. I got so hot. It’s too dope. It’s too dope, dad.

Gary: Okay, Mrs. Tollerson, can I do the honors?

Mrs. Tollerson: Sure, Gary.

Gary: Alright, Robby, Scott, principal’s office right now! Go on.

Bill: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott walk out]

Robby: So dope.

Mrs. Tollerson: Okay, well, thank you Bill and Gary for speaking to us today. Boy, I wish my teaching got kids that excited.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, maybe you’re not just a good teacher.

Mrs. Tollerson: What’s your problem with me?