Category: 2018

Magic Mirror

Aidy Bryant

Denice… Melissa Villaseñor

Lauren… Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Elsa… Heidi Gardner

Rapunzel… Kate McKinnon

  1. Kelly… Chadwick Boseman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy seeing off a girl in Disney Land.]

Aidy: Wasn’t that cool? You got Ariel. Well, thanks for stopping by the Magic Mirror. And dream big, little princess. [Aidy approaches other three visitors] Hi, there. Looks like we’ve got some grownup seekers today.

Lauren: Yeah. I know it’s weird but we’re out having fun.

Denice: Yeah. Can’t big girls like Disney princesses too?

Aidy: Of course they can. So, come on over ladies. Let me share with you a secret. Inside every strong beautiful princess, there is a lady. So, to see just who you are, just look in the mirror. So, give it a try.

Denice: Are you sure?

Aidy: Yeah.

Denice: Okay.

[Denice walks to the mirror. There’s Elsa waving her hand from Frozen in the mirror.]

Oh, wow, guys. Look, I got Elsa.

Lauren: Oh, my god. That makes sense. You are total Elsa. You’re so independent. You’re a total ice queen. Let me try.

[Lauren walks to the mirror. There’s Rapunzel in the mirror.]

Oh, look, you guys. I’m Rapunzel.

Leslie: I gotta say, that seems right. You’re adventurous, a little crazy and way too into your hair.

Lauren: Stop. You go.

Leslie: Okay.

[Leslie walks to the mirror. A black man wearing jeans, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and a bandana appears in the mirror. He is dancing slowly.]

Denice: Oh, wow. Who is that?

Leslie: Damn! I think that’s R. Kelly.

Lauren: Serious? Yeah, I think you’re right. That is R. Kelly. What’s he doing in there?

[R. Kelly is shhing.]

Leslie: Look at him. He’s shhing us. What are you up to, R. Kelly? Why is R. Kelly in there? The last place he needs to be is Disney Land.

Aidy: I don’t think that’s him. I’m pretty sure that’s a character from Mulan.

Leslie: Oh! Which character?

Aidy: I think that’s Shy Greg.

Leslie: Okay, I don’t know who that is. I haven’t seen Mulan in a while but–

[R. Kelly pulls out a bag and starts stuffing it with popcorn.]

Denice: Geez. What’s he doing now?

Lauren: Oh, look at him. Creepy. I mean, wow, he loves stuffing that bag doesn’t he?

Leslie: It is kind of disturbing. Look at him.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I got the popcorn in the bag
    popcorn in the bag, baby

Leslie: What is going on?

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in the–

Leslie: In what? I told you. He’s shady! Excuse me. I thought I was supposed to see my personal princess

Aidy: Well, you are. And I honestly don’t know what happens. So, try this. Close your eyes, make a wish for what you want to see.

Leslie: Alright. I wish for a real Disney princess.

[Elsa appears in the mirror. She is waving.]

Oh, my god. I got Elsa. Hi, Elsa.

[R. Kelly walks in the mirror and pushes Elsa away. He has a sandwich.]

Lauren: He’s back and he’s got a sandwich.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in here

Leslie: Yo, what you in? No, I’m sorry. We gotta go. I’m out of here. Lauren, Denice, let’s just get out of here.

[Denice, Lauren and Leslie walk out]

Aidy: Oh, sorry. Who’s next?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Oh! This thing is cool. [walks to the mirror] Who do I get?

[R. Kelly appears on the mirror again]

Oh! It’s Shy Greg from Mulan. Awesome!

Donald Trump Baltic States Cold Open

Harris Faulkner… Leslie Jones

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Dalia Grybauskaitė… Kate McKinnon

Kersti Kaljulaid… Heidi Gardner

Raimonds Vējonis… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Fox News intro]

[Cut to “Outnumbered” intro]

[Cut to Harris Faulkner in her set]

Harris Faulkner: Hi, I’m Harris Faulkner and you’re watching “Outnumbered.” Outnumbered is the title of the show and also how I feel here at FOX News. We begin today with FOX News alert. Could former president Obama be impeached now despite not being president anymore? One of our professional morons says yes. And we have another FOX News alert. Mexicans! And that was the FOX News alert.

We now go live to the White House where president Donald J. Trump is about to hold a joint press conference with the leaders of the Baltic states.

[Cut to the White House press conference. There are Dalia Grybauskaitė, Kersti Kaljulaid and Raimonds Vējonis standing at their podiums. Donald Trump walks in and to his podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. How’s it going? Let’s make this quick because I have a lot of trade wars to escalate here, okay? That’s why I just announced tariffs on more Chinese products including fireworks and finger traps. We’ve also expelled the infamous Chinese billionaire P.F. Chang. He is done-zo. Today we’ve got the leaders from Baltic states. We’ve to Estonia, Lithuania and and I wanna say Stankonia. The great Baltic nations. Even in the game monopoly, Baltic avenue was always my favorite property. Except for Oriental avenue which you can’t see anymore. Okay? Now, you have to call it China street. Sad. Very sad. And before I turn over to these freak shows here, I’d just like to read a prepared statement to prove that I can read, okay?

Here we go. God, I hate this. [reading] Do not congratulate Putin. Wait! That’s a note to me. Forget about it. Okay. Reading and go! The United States has special relationship with the Baltic nations. God! I wanna riff so bad. We are so proud to honor the centinen-nenen-neneial (centennial) of their independence from Russia. God, this sucks. Because our nations are truly friends. Okay, thank god that’s over.

Please, time to freestyle. First up, a big congratulations to Vladimir Putin. He won a great, great, very transparent victory in the Russian election. Fantastic job, Putin. Even though no one’s ever been tougher on Russia than I am, including Hitler. Okay, that’s it from me. Let’s do the Baltics quick and get out of here. Gypsy woman, you’re first.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Okay. Thank you so much to president Donald Trump. Welcoming the nation of Lithuania. We have very much in common–

[Zooming to Donald Trump’s face]

Donald Trump thinking: Oh, my god! I’m already so bored. Argh! I wish I was watching Roseanne. How great is that show? Roseanne loves me. She’s like a good Rosie O’Donnell.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: And we want efficient energy. Or as you might say in America, big bang for your buck.

[Donald Trump starts snoring on the mic. He has fallen asleep.]

So, in conclusion–

Donald Trump thinking: Okay, she’s finally done.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: — thank you to president Trump.

Donald Trump thinking: [clapping] Now, whatever you do. Don’t mention her hair. Don’t mention her hair.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for that great speech. And by the way, your hair is insane. Okay, I think that’s it for you, Zaza. What about you two? Other girl president, Balky from “Perfect Strangers.” I’m just gonna skip them to save some time.

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. There are questions too. What is this? A full work day? Okay. Make it quick.

Reporter: You just denied knowing anything about the Stormy Daniel’s pay out. But if that’s true, doesn’t that make her NDA non binding?

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s a toughie. [to Raimonds Vējonis] Borat, you wanna take that one?

Raimonds Vējonis: Me?

Donald Trump: I don’t know. I think that question was for you.

Reporter: It was not for the president of Latvia.

Donald Trump: Give him a chance. Let him answer.

Raimonds Vējonis: Okay. Well, I am not the strongest English speaker. But we have expression in my country and it translates roughly as, [pointing at Donald Trump] “This man is lying.”

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s enough, Latvia. Next question. And guys, let’s try to keep it fun. These three came all the way from Hufflepuff. So, let’s show them a good time. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, why do you keep attacking Amazon? Do you really hate Jeff Bezos that much?

Donald Trump: I do. I hate Jeff. Because he’s way richer than me and he admits to being bald. So, I feel threatened on two levels. Next question. Let’s mix it up and do a Baltic report this time please.

Another Reporter: [in Russian accent] Yes, my question is why are you sending the national guard to the Mexican border? Doesn’t that seem, how do you say, pointless?

Donald Trump: Wow! Seriously? You’re gonna come at me like that? Do I come to the shoe that you live in? Slap the potato out of your mouth? Okay? Look, we have to keep our border secure. Mexico is sending caravans full of immigrants towards us. And I’ve seen these caravans. Truck after truck, barreling across the desert. The trucks are covered in metal and spikes. There’s a guy strapped in front just wailing away on a flaming guitar. And there are freaky albino dudes shimming around skinny little potholes.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Mr. President, I believe you are describing the movie “MadMax Fury Road.”

Donald Trump: That’s right. They are some Mad Max-icans. Okay, one more question. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, are you worried that your tariffs are ruining our economy and your immigration politics have destroyed American standing in the world?

Donald Trump: No, I’m not. I’m not worried at all. Because here’s the thing that no one else is saying and I’m the only one who is willing to actually say this. I don’t care about America. Okay? This whole presidency is a four year cash grab and admitting that will probably give me four more years. But I do not care about any of you. Okay? Basically, that answers all of your questions, okay? does it?

[The reporters all agree]

[Now, there’s someone in rabbit costume behind Donald Trump]

Okay. And one more thing, does anyone else see this rabbit? Okay? I’m not the only one who sees that rabbit, right? It’s wearing glasses. Is that real? [looks at the rabbit] Okay. I think this might be a Donnie Darko situation. Fantastic movie by the way. Love Jake Gyllenhaal. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Chadwick Boseman Monologue

Chadwick Boseman

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chadwick Boseman.

[Chadwick Boseman walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chadwick Boseman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so happy to be hosting Saturday Night Live only two months after Black Panther came out. [cheers and applause] But it’s still before the Avengers, so we’re not completely late.

You know, it was actually kind of tough hosting because SNL has already done a bunch of sketches about Black Panther. So, there is really bad ideas left. The writers were like, “What about a talk show called ‘Wake Up Wakanda?’ Or a sketch where Black Panther has sex with Leslie Jones?” And that was Leslie Jones’ idea. So it’s tough and it’s not fair. I men Sterling K. Brown got to do a Black Panther sketch before me and he dies in the first scene of the movie. I would say spoiler alert, but again the movie has been out for two months people.

One weird thing I’ve experienced since the movie came out, it’s people asking if I wanna run for president. That’s because I play a world leader in the movie, they think I wanna be a leader of the free world, but who wants that job? Why would I go for being a serious actor to do in reality TV? [applause]

And there’s still some people who can’t grasp that it’s a superhero movie. They’re like, “You’re doing Black Panther all wrong. You should have beret and a black leather jacket.” I’m like, “Ay! Ay! That’s a different type of Black Panther, man.” And it’s not like I don’t know history. I portrayed Jackie Robinson, James Brown. [cheers and applause] And Thurgood Marshall. Basically every black historical figure except Rachel Dolazer, who coming to think of it, me playing a white woman pretending to play a black woman might not be a bad idea for Oscar. But somehow, Black Panther has become historical figure too. First black superhero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, we broke new ground. And I hope that maybe we’ve inspired the new generation of black actors and film makers–

[Kenan Thompson walks in wearing Panthro costume. The costume is very funny looking.]

Kenan Thompson: Wow! You broke new ground, huh? I’m not so sure about that. Ha-ha-ha.

Chadwick Boseman: Pahthro from Thundercats?

Kenan Thompson: [showing his nunchucks] Yeah, that’s right. You must be the Black Panther style superhero who has space age technology. Hmm, where have I heard that one before? Oh, right. From when it was me.

Chadwick Boseman: Alright. Alright. Panthro, Black Panther was created in 1966. Thundercats are from the 80s.

Kenan Thompson: No. Actually, Thundercats are from Thundera, the cat planet where cats lived in harmony until Mumra made it explode. Not that you care.

Chadwick Boseman: Panthro!

Kenan Thompson: Come on, dude. I know you guys are doing a sequel. Hook a brother up. It’s hard out there for a black space cat with a spiky suspenders.

Chadwick Boseman: Hey man, I gotta ask. Is this another one of the bad ideas that the writers had that I’m in right now?

Kenan Thompson: No. I actually heard that this was Kenan Thompson’s idea. And I’m told that he stands by it. 15 seasons, baby.

[Kenan Thompson winks and leaves the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chadwick Boseman: You know, I got a band behind me right now. [Talking like Lenny Kravitz] I can’t get off this stage without giving you just a little Lenny. I’m about to do my thing. Hit it!

[band playing music. Chadwick Boseman does the dance]

We got a great show for you tonight. Cardi B is here. So, stick around. We’re gonna be right back.

Black Jeopardy with Chadwick Boseman

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Shanice… Leslie Jones

Rashad… Chris Redd

T’Challa… Chadwick Boseman

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to the show stage. There’s one host and three contestants.]

[cheers and applause]

Darnell: Yeah. Hi. Wad up? Wad up? Wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only Jeopardy where our prize is paid in installments. Alright, I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Today’s contestants Shanice.

Shanice: Hi.

Darnell: Rashad.

Rashad: What’s crackin?

Darnell: And, oh! This is so exciting. All the way from Wakanda, it’s T’Challa.

[cheers and applause]

T’Challa: Greetings Darnell. I am a big fan of this program.

Darnell: Well, this might be the blackest Black Jeopardy yet. Let’s take a look at that categories. Alright, we got “Grown ass”, “Ah Hell naw”, “Fid’na”, “Girl, bye”, “I ain’t got it”, and as always “White people.” Alright, Shanice, You are returning champ. You pick.

Shanice: Okay. Let’s go to “Aw hell naw” for $100.

Darnell: Okay, answer there. Your barber has a two hour wait, but there’s an empty chair up front.

[buzzer sound]

Rashad.

Rashad: What is, “Aw hell naw, there’s a reason your chair is empty.”

Darnell: You damn right. You damn right it is. You can end up looking like The Weeknd. Alright, Rashad, the board is your’s.

Rashad: Let’s go with “Fid’na” for $200.

Darnell: Okay, the answer. They fid’na to take prayer out of school.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “They wonder why everybody pregnant?”

Darnell: Yes. Yes. Bad things happen when you kick Jesus out your house. That’s right. Alright, it’s your pick, Shanice.

Shanice: Let’s stick with “Fid’na” for $400.

Darnell: This is the reason your cable bill is in your grand mamma’s name.

[buzzer]

Oh, T’Challa.

T’Challa: What is, “To honor her as the as the foundation of the family.”

[audience laughing]

Darnell: Hmm, that’s really nice. It’s wrong. But it’s really nice. Anybody else? The reason your cable bill is in your grand mamma’s name.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “Coz fid’na get a car and I don’t need all that on my credit.”

Darnell: I feel you. I feel you. Yeah, your grandma ain’t gonna need that good credit too much longer. Alright, Shanice, it’s your pick.

Shanice: Let’s go “I ain’t got it” for $200.

Darnell: Alright. The lady from Sallie Mae says your student loan is past due.

[buzzer]

Rashad.

Rashad: What is, “I ain’t got it because I died. You talking to a ghost.”

Darnell: Yeah. That’s right. That’s right. That’s right. Yeah. You can’t bill what’s not there, okay? Just ask Wesley Snipes. Ain’t that right, T’Challa?

T’Challa: I don’t know this one.

Darnell: That’s alright. You’ll get there. Alright, Rashad, it’s your pick.

Rashad: Am, let’s go with “Aw hell naw” for $400.

Darnell: Alright, the answer. The airline sys they wanna charge twenty-five dollars to check your bag.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “Aw hell naw. Looks like I’m gonna fly to Jamaica with 50 pounds of suitcase in my lap.”

Darnell: You damn right. You damn right. That’s right. And I dare the stewardess to say something. That’s right. Let’s keep going.

Shanice: Let’s say with “Grown ass” for $600.

Darnell: Alright. You send your smart-ass child here ’cause she thinks she grown.

[buzzer]

T’Challa.

T’Challa: What is, “To one of our free university where she can apply her intelligence. And perhaps one day become a great scientist.”

Darnell: Okay. Well, the answer were were looking for was, “Out my damn house.” But you know what? I’m gonna give it to you, T’Challa. Y’all must not have no mean streets in Wakanda. Alright, the board is your’s.

T’Challa: Very well. Let’s go to “Ah hell naw” for $800.

Darnell: Okay. The policeman says there’s been some robberies in your neighborhood and asks if you have any information.

T’Challa: What is, “Not only do I tell this man what I know, but I also assist him in tracking down the offender. After all, our ministers of law enforcement are only here to protect us.” Is this correct?

[Darnell makes funny face]

Darnell: I mean, it should be. But I’m thinking you haven’t spent much time in America. Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy prize listing]

Male voice: Thanks, Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive Uesta Hold Margarine, personal plastic containers that used to hold margarine. “Put whatever you want in there.” And well done steaks. “If I see a speck of red, it’s going back. You better cook my food with well done steaks.” And by Sprite. “How did we become the black soda? We don’t know.” Back to you, Darnell.

[Cut to the game stage]

Darnell: Ooh! I do love Sprite. Alright, T’Challa, the board is your’s.

T’Challa: I am ready. Let’s go to “White people” for $400.

[Darnell is making shocked faces.]

Darnell: Okay, let’s try it. Your friend Karen brings her potato salad to your cookout.

[buzzer]

Oh-oh. T’Challa.

T’Challa: I think I’m getting the hang of this. Before I answer, a few questions. This woman Karen, she’s caucasian, right?

Darnell: Yes.

T’Challa: And she has her own recipe for potato salad, right?

Darnell: Yeah.

T’Challa: Ah! I understand. It is noble that she would volunteer to cook for everyone. And although I have never had potato salad…

Darnell: Of course.

T’Challa: … I sense that this white woman does not season her food.

Darnell: That’s right.

T’Challa: And if she does, it is only with a tiny bit of salt and no paprika.

Darnell: No paprika. No.

T’Challa: And she will probably add something unnecessary like resins.

Darnell: I know, right?

T’Challa: So, something tells me that I should say–

Darnell: Say it.

T’Challa: “Aw hell naw Karen. Keep your bland ass potato to yourself.”

Darnell: [celebrating] Yes! Yes! Whoo! Oh, man! You got it, T’Challa.

T’Challa: In the face.

Darnell: Yeah. Black Panther, welcome to Black Jeopardy.

Female voice: How many square feet is that?

Male voice: For three bedrooms?

Female voice: What a deal.

Darnell: Oh, well. The sound of white people shopping nearby for real estate means that the fun is over. So, let’s take a break. We’ll be right back with more Black Jeopardy.

Aidy B & Cardi B

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Chadwick Boseman

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Cardi B

[Starts with Aidy, Kate and Cecily talking in SNL office]

Kate: Oh, my god. I can’t stop listening to Cardi B’s new album.

Cecily: Yes. It’s so good. I’m so excited she’s here.

Aidy: I’m obsessed.

Cecily: I love how assertive and bold she is. She just like, says whatever she’s thinking.

Aidy: I know. And I think I need to be more like Cardi B.

[Kyle and Beck walk in]

Kyle: Hey, what are you girls doing? Having girl time?

Beck: Yes. Should we come back?

Aidy: What did you say?

Beck: Oh, we just don’t want to interrupt your girl time.

Aidy: [speaking like Cardi B] Oh, well, why don’t you shut your hoe ass up? I’m sick of you hating ass hoes always got something slick to say. Just remember I’m a boss and you a worker you goofy bitch!

Kate: Aidy?

Aidy: Ah! Nah, hoe. [to Kyle and Beck] You need to watch your mouth. I’m from The Bronx. I don’t play that [bleep]. [to Kate and Cecily] Come on. [the girls walk out]

Kyle: Is Aidy actually from The Bronx?

Beck: She’s from North Central Phoenix.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy with Chris in costume room]

Chris: Hey, you talked to Chadwick yet? He’s super cool.

Aidy: No. I’m weirdly nervous to meet him.

Chris: Why?

Aidy: Coz he’s the Black Panther and I loved the movie and he is very cool and I am very lame.

Chris: You are not lame. Come on

[Chadwick Boseman walks in]

Chadwick: What’s up, Chris?

Chris: What’s up? How do you feel? You good? You know Aidy Bryant, right?

Chadwick: Of course. Oh, my god. I’m a big fan of your’s.

Aidy: [talking like Cardi B] Yeah. I’m not afraid of you bitch.

Chadwick: What’s that?

Aidy: What? Errr! Ooh! Actually, I’m sure you’re used to all these other little bitches being afraid of you but I am not scared, okay? I’m a rider or die, bitch. You see that rock? [showing her engagement ring] Yeah, that actually means I give Conor that very good puddy, okay? I can picture so good that I be screaming my own name during sex. Oh, prrrr.

[Aidy walks out. Chadwick and Chris look at each other all confused.]

Chadwick: That’s how you let white girls talk to you around here?

Chris: Only Aidy B. I’m not proud of that.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy on the table trying to do the sexy dance like Cardi B. The staffs are looking at her.]

Kenan: Dude, what the hell is going on with Aidy?

Mikey: I think she’s empowered.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy walking out. A woman walks to her.]

Woman: Hey, Aidy. Could you do a quick shoutout for SNL’s instagram?

Aidy: Oh, yeah. Of course. [The woman hands over a phone to Aidy.] Okay, so what should I say?

Woman: Say something to the fans.

Aidy: Okay. [Aidy starts taking selfie video. She’s speaking like Cardi B.] Ah! Stop asking me about the show. The cast sucks, the writers are stupid, I [bleep] them all, they were boring. So, live from The Bronx, y’all can shut the [bleep] up.

[talking normally again] And then I– I’m sorry. Do I hit the send?

Woman: [shocked] Yeah. That was good.

Aidy: Yay!

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy in Cardi B’s changing room]

Aidy: Cardi, your music has changed my life. You’ve honestly inspired me to just say what’s on my mind. So, thank you.

Cardi B: You know, I do it for my fans.

Aidy: And I am a fan. But maybe also your best friend. We’re pretty much the same.

Cardi B: Um, can you please get me some water? [speaking softly] I’ma a little worried.

Aidy: Oh, sure. Unless you want me to stay.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: I have a lot of very short songs that I’ve written.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: [singing] Subs are good but I prefer pizza, honey.

Cardi B: Okay. Just go.

Aidy: Okay. But before I go, [showing her high heels] these is bloody shoes, coz they’re giving me the worst days of my life.

Cardi B: Just get the [bleep] out of here.

Aidy: Call me.

Cardi B: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Aidy walks out]

Aidy: Aidy B and Cardi B, best friends.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Kevin Love

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Cleveland Cavaliers power forward Kevin Love is getting a lot of praise for an article he recently wrote about mental health. Here with his take on Love’s article is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Thank you. Thanks, Colin. Thanks. I think I speak for all crazy people when I say, [screams].

Colin Jost: That was good.

Pete Davidson: It made me laugh earlier.

Colin Jost: It was good. Had a crazy feeling.

Pete Davidson: So, last week Kevin Love, one of the least hatable white guys on the planet, he opened up about a panic attack he had during a basketball game. And he said, it opened his eyes to how no one should be too proud to talk to a mental health expert if they needed. The article was commendable. It was praised. But quite frankly Colin, I didn’t care for it very much.

Colin Jost: You didn’t like it?

Pete Davidson: No, it was fine. He’s a good guy. Bla-bla-bla-bla. Whatever. It’s totally cool that like, he had a panic attack. But if you’re gonna write an article about being unstable, leave it to the big boys, alright? I’m sorry you missed your three pointer, Kev, but I’ve been in therapy since I was six years old. And I wanted to kill myself when I was eight. Tough news about your rebounds though.

Colin Jost: Wait, I’m sorry. Are you like, bragging?

Pete Davidson: So what if I am? So what? I love being mentally ill. I’m so relieved, you know, that everybody knows that. Now I don’t have to hide anything. it’s amazing. if I’m like, out somewhere and I’m acting like a dick, everyone’s like, “Oh, no, he’s mentally ill.” You know? And if I’m happy, they’re like, “Aw, good for him.” But now, Kevin Love just waltzes in with his little panic attack and he just waters the whole thing down.

Colin Jost: I gotta say, Peter, it sounds like you’re jealous.

Pete Davidson: I am jealous. Like, Kevin Love is a handsome rich baseball player, okay? His uncle’s a beach boy. Alright. The worst one, but it’s still sick. He’s got it all, man. He doesn’t need my one thing, you know? Like, let me have that. Or trade me uncles. Your uncle’s out there touring, making the world the better place. When I was six, my uncle took me camping and then it started raining, and I heard thunder and I crapped my pants in the rain and then I told my uncle what I did and he punched me in the face. And then my mom told me not to tell my dad because my dad would kill him. And then my dad died like, a month later. But again, sorry about your free throw percentage.

In Kevin’s defense, he is right. No, I gotta say that so people don’t get mad. You know? I gotta pretend like I care about this guy. If you ever have a panic attack, you should see a mental health professional. No matter how minimal the episode. But just do me a favor and stay in your lane. Alright? I can’t stay on my late because I’m on a ton of Klonopin right now. Colin, are my eyes crossed?

Colin Jost: No. Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: I got new teeth.

Colin Jost: He got new teeth.

Weekend Update Stefon

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Stefon… Bill Hader

Shy… John Mulaney

Colin Jost: And today is St. Patrick’s day which means millions of tourists have come to the Big Apple. Here with some tips on what to check out is out Weekend Update’s city correspondant, Stefon.

[Stefon slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Stefon: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi. Thank you so much for joining us, Stefon.

Stefon: Conor, Persie, it’s nice to be here.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Stefon. So, the parade is now over? I bet a lot of people out there are looking for a great New York hangout? Do you have any recommendations?

Stefon: Yes. If you’re drunk in midtown doing cheap coke off your laundry card, I have just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is Gaddush. Inspired by true events. It is former CVS which became a chase bank and then became a CVS again, has a familiar yet troubling feel. Like, when Larry King would play himself in a movie. This place has everything. Death sets, key fobs, kale chips, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Plus, you can play everyone’s favorite party game, the stranger.

Michael Che: What’s the Stranger?

Stefon: Do you know that Billy Joel song, The Stranger?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Stefon: Well, it’s when you sit on Billy Joel’s hand until it’s numb and then you rub yourself with it.

Colin Jost: Wait, why does it have to be numb?

Stefon: So you can pretend it’s Bruce Springsteen’s hand.

Colin Jost: Stefon, let’s get back on track. I think a lot of people are in town for St. Patrick’s day. And they might be looking for something a little different.

Michael Che: Yeah. Something more Irish themed.

Stefon: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Moonlight, La-la Land.

Michael Che: What?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: If you’re Irish or just white and violent, I have a St. Patty’s place for you. New York’s hottest Irish club is “Off the church, mother.” Located in the clogged heart of the Bronx at the corner of threethousand street and Gary Marshall Memorial Drive. This gang ridden skateboard park was the ceremony spot for Vern Troyer’s twothousandfour wedding. This place has everything. Peeps, ted talks, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Be sure to hit the dance floor and do a jig with Ireland’s hottest Farrakhans.

Michael Che: Wait. Louis Farrakhan is at this club?

Stefon: No. Farrakhans. Leprechaun’s that look like Farah Fawcett. But also, yes. Minister Farrakhan will be there.

Colin Jost: Alright. Stefon, come on.

Stefon: Please, call me by your name.

Colin Jost: Fine. Colin. Just give us that one place. Tell us that one place that ordinary tourist might enjoy. Please.

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes. If you’re ordinary and you love seizure inducing Malaysian music, I’ve just a place for you. New York’s hottest club is “Stand clear of the closing doors please.” Built in upside down world, this haunted hospice was closed when the inspectors found a sexy form of asbestos that could cause disease.

Michael Che: What disease you get from sexy asbestos?

Stefon: Me-so-hornioma. This place has everything. Young popes, old popes, Roman J. Israel Esquire. But avoid the dance floor in Wednesdays when a dozen hot dachshunds and corgi’s get in free. They call it long and low night. I don’t trust any dog whose stomach touches the ground. Plus, you can party in the VIP room with a group of human squatty potties.

Michael Che: What is a human squatty potty?

Stefon: It’s that thing of– you know what? It’s a new era and I don’t want to say a word that could be insensitive. May I consult my lawyer quickly?

Michael Che: Sure.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Stefon: Great! He’s an attorney and a conceptual piss artist named Shy. Shy?

[Shy walks in with a briefcase]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: Hi, Shy.

Shy: Hello, gentlemen. How are you?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: Shy, do people still use the word… [Shy and Stefon start whispering] Got it. Thank you, Shy.

[Shy walks out]

Human squatty potties. it’s that thing of when you sit on a toilet and to have a good posture, two little people crouch in the bathroom floor and you put your feet on their hand.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. I’m really glad you made sure to make that not insensitive. Thank you very much. That’s great.

Stefon: Let’s take a closer look at political correctness.

[“A Closer Look” video bumper playing at the bottom of the screen.]

Michael Che: Wait, isn’t “A Closer Look” Seth’s thing?

Stefon: Oh. Seth and I are versatile. Some nights I do it and he’s under the desk.

Colin Jost: It’s Stefon, everyone.

Stefon: Jill Stein 2020.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on IHOP’s Apology

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of IHop logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The manager of IHop in Maine has apologized after a waiter asked a group of black teenagers to pay upfront for their meal, which is weird because most people who eat at IHop pay for it about two hours later. [Picture changes to toilet]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Snuggie clothes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Federal Trade Commission has ordered the makers of the Snuggie to pay more than $7 million in refunds over deceptive buy one get one free ads. It’s a rare piece of good news for people who own multiple Snuggies.

[Picture changes to a license plate]

The winner of America’s best license plate is New Mexico’s “Chile Capital Of The World” plate. While the worst is New jersey’s “Da Fuh You Looking At?”

Weekend Update on Andrew McCabe’s Firing

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a graph at left top corner.]

This week the national unemployment rate held steady at 4% while the White House unemployment rose to all of them. [Picture changes to everybody who resigned or were fired.] The crazy thing is I’m starting to feel sorry for all these people Trump is firing even though I thought they were terrible at their jobs. I mean, six months ago, could you have imagined thinking, “Hang in there, Jeff Sessions.”

[Picture changes to Andrew McCabe]

Latest victim was former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe who was fired two days before he was set to retire on his 50th birthday so he couldn’t collect his full pension. Damn, man. That’s cold. I men even the Joker [Picture changes to the Joker from Batman] is like, “You don’t treat people like that.” I love that Trump is being extra mean to the FBI guy who is definitely going to testify against him. It’s like walking in and announcing to a whole restaurant that you’re not tipping anyone before they make your food.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex

Michael Che: President Trump fired secretary of state Rex Tillerson and replaced him with CIA director Mike Pompeo. Tillerson will return to his previous job as the eagle from ‘The Muppets.’

[Picture changes to the White House]

Insiders are saying that more major staff shakeups could be coming to the White House. Trump is firing people like he’s trying to get us under the salary cap or something. It is kind of little too late. It’s like when those Domino’s commercial say, “Ay, Domino’s, we’re making some changes.” And you’re like, “Yeah, but just still Domino’s.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that special council Robert Mueller has subpoenaed documents from the Trump organization. By the way, Trump organization is maybe the greatest oxymoron in history. Have you ever seen Trump’s desk? [Picture changes to Donald Trump working on a messy desk.] He’s just a full hoarder. Good luck finding Russian evidence under some old McDonald’s wrappers, a pile of unsigned non-disclosure agreements and macaroni father’s day card from Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Stormy Daniels has offered to return the $130,000 that she was paid so that she can release any text, photos or videos she has with Donald Trump. For what? So, this lady is trying to show us revenge porn of a grandpa and we’re just okay with that? I mean what are you expecting to see? What if it’s good? Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared? Are you prepared to see Donald Trump tear up some ass? I mean he’s 63 and dumb as rock. You don’t know what he’s working with down there.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are logos of different news channels and papers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also, by the way, can the media please stop getting us all riled up with headlines like, “Will pornstar bring down president?” “Is Mueller moving in for the kill?” Just stop teasing us if there’s no payoff. I’ll tell the media the same thing I told my high school girlfriend. I’m totally fine waiting, but you gotta stop rubbing the outside of my pants.

Weekend Update Betsy DeVos

Colin Jost

Betsy DeVos… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was under fire this week after a disastrous 60 minute interview. Here to clarify her points is Betsy DeVos.

[Betsy DeVos slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Betsy DeVos: Thank you. Hello, the audience. Hello, the man.

Colin Jost: Hi. Yeah, well, thank you so much for coming. So, Betsy, what happened with that interview?

Betsy DeVos: Well, I think the problem is that the words that were coming out of my mouth were bad. And that is because they came from my brain.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, tonight, we can give you another chance. Like, what are your thoughts about public schools versus charter schools?

Betsy DeVos: Well, you know, I don’t like to think of things in terms of school. That it should be up to the states. In Wyoming, for example, which has many potential grizzlies, there should be a school for bears. And in Louisiana, crocodile crossing guards. And in North Carolina, stop being trans and that’s what’s best for them.

Colin Jost: Okay. You might now be the most protested member of Trump’s cabinet. Why do you think that is?

Betsy DeVos: You know, I think it’s because I do not do a good job. And I can’t because I don’t know how.

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, that’s– yeah. Well, recently people have also been criticizing your position on guns in school.

Betsy DeVos: Well, you know, and again I think that the states should choose how they protect their schools based on their circumstances. For example, if two home alone style bandits want to rob a school, that school should have the option of red hot doorknobs or a paint can that swings down a staircase. You know, that’s good school’s good choice. So, whatever they choose, we are working hard to ensure that all schools are safe learning environments for guns.

Colin Jost: Can I just ask you something? Do you like your job?

Betsy DeVos: No, I do not. I do spend most of it getting screamed at while climbing into an escalate. But I do like visiting good school and doing worksheets with cute little blacks and the occasional stinky poor white.

Colin Jost: Stinky poor white

Betsy DeVos: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Secretary DeVos, do you really want to say that on TV?

Betsy DeVos: Oh! I did a fudge. Oh! Look, I may not be very good on camera. But behind the scenes, my ideas are much worse.

Colin Jost: Betsy DeVos, everyone.