Category: 2019

Weekend Update: Baby Yoda

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che on his news set]

Michael Che: This week has announced a new line of Baby Yoda toys based on the character from the hit Disney Plus show, “The Mandalorian.” Here to comment is oh, my goodness, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Oh. Ooh. Aren’t you just adorable in your little space carriage? [Baby Yoda laughing] So, Baby Yoda, you’re quite the breakout star, aren’t you?

Baby Yoda: Oh. Oh. [starts humming and dancing] Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Oh, my goodness. Is he dancing?

[Baby Yoda is still dancing]

Baby Yoda: Ooh. Oh, oh. \

Michael Che: This is so cute, man!

Baby Yoda: [in adult voice] Yeah, you like that, Che?

Michael Che: I’m sorry, what did you say, Baby Yoda?

[cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: I said you like that? ‘Cause I am killing it. Woowee. I’m cute. Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: You can talk? You don’t sound a lot like a Yoda.

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: [in deep voice] Oh, sound like this I should?

[in normal voice] Ay, come on, man. That’s played out. Baby Yoda’s what’s popping right now. Hell yeah.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Wow! I guess you’re a little more self-aware than you let on.

Baby Yoda: Oh, come on man. It ain’t even like that.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Baby Yoda: But I’ve been blessed. I been blessed. People are liking the show. All the memes and the fans. Some sliding in the DMs a little bit. Yo, and I’m not saying nothing. But it’s been very—um—beneficial. And let’s just leave to that. [laughs like a baby] [Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Oh. Okay.

Baby Yoda: Nah, but for real, me and the boys are having fun. [Cut to Baby Yoda] The squad is in the house. [Cut to a photoshopped picture] That’s me, Timothee Chalamet, Robert Pattinson, and the two guys from the “Sonic” commercials.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: That’s very cool.

Baby Yoda: Thanks, man. And you know, big thing coming for your boy.

Michael Che: Oh, really? Like, other projects?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Baby Yoda: Yeah, yeah, man. I got a clothing line coming out. It’s these dope three-fingered gloved called “Handalorians.” Plus I got the rap mixtape, the Reebok deal, the stand-up special with NETFLIX.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: You do stand-up?

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: I mean yeah! I basically just tell stories about who hooked up on Mandalorian set. Me! But yeah, it’s been a while. That’s the spirit. You know, I do have my haters though.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Really? You have any enemies?

Baby Yoda: Nah, man. It ain’t like that, but if I may. [Cut to Baby Yoda] Baby Groot. Do me a favor. Keep my name out of your little tree mouth before I snap you like a twig.

[Cut to Michael Che and Baby Yoda]

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Singing Elves

Elf Fizzy… Alex Moffat

Elf Tizzy…Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Dondra Dupres… Scarlett Johansson

Wondrous Williams… Kenan Thompson

Latony Garag… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a Santa Land store in a mall]

Elf Fizzy: Hello, everyone. I’m Elf Fizzy.

Elf Tizzy: And I’m Elf Tizzy. Welcome to Santa Land at the North Ridge Mall.

[Cut to few adults and children clapping] [Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: Yeah! And before we line you up for Santa, there are some elves that want to sing for you.

[Cut to the Heidi and Beck]

Heidi: Well that sounds nice. I wonder what they’ll sing.

Beck: Probably some pretty basic Christmas junk.

Heidi: Hon, be fun.

Beck: Okay.

[Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: And just so you know, the singing elves are not the ones on the poster, the website or from our very deep bench of understudies.

Elf Tizzy: These two work at the mall and they picked the costumes.

Elf Fizzy: Uh-huh! Here they are. Those people!

[Dondra and Wondrous walk in in elf costumes.]

Dondra: Hi, I’m Dondra Dupres.

Wondrous: And I am Wondrous William.

Dondra: Wondrous and I work at the hair extension kiosk in the mall.

Wondrous: More than that, we are entertain-ters!

Dondra: The first song song is about the special problemities that Santa may have around a Chimnies.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Wig white black boot

wide belt red suit

Dondra: [singing]

Beard gorwn lips pursed

enters the room booty first

Dondra and Wondrous: Squishing that ass down the chimney shoot

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is confused but Beck is moving his body to the music.]

Dondra: Everybody get some lube

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

help this booty slip and bloop!

Wondrous: Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop

Dondra and Wondrous: Black down that chimney, y’all!

[Cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: what was that? I wanted “Let it snow.” That felt druggy.

Beck: It felt very Todrick-cal to me. call moment to me.

Heidi: Who’s that?

Beck: He’s great. He’s a dynamic gender bending performer. His songs make you want to shake your boozy.

Heidi: Boozy? Where’s this coming from, babe?

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: What’s wrong with Mrs. Claus, Wondrous?

Wondrous: I don’t know, Dondra. She seems frustrated, sex-u-ally.

Dondra: Maybe she has womanly needs that aren’t being met.

Wondrous: Well, who on earth would do that to her?

Dondra: Exactly.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

While Santa’s climbing in his sleigh

Mrs. C comes out to play

Dondra: [singing]

Mrs. Claus don’t give no f

she gives her cookies to the elves

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: Mrs. Claus has needs

Wondrous: Needs

Dondra: Needs that starts with a D

Wondrous: D

Dondra: If you give an f

Wondrous: F

Dondra: Please loan one out to me

Wondrous: Me

Dondra and Wondrous: All of our f’s are what? Got ya’ blap!

[cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: Oh, my god! Am I being sensitive or was that song about Mrs. Claus needing to get railed by elves?

Beck: Of course. The relationship is open. It’s fluid. It’s very Todrick.

Heidi: Hey, who are you today? And who introduced you to this Todrick?

Beck: Mistyandre.

Heidi: Who is that? We know all the same people.

Beck: Maybe you do.

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Wondrous: And now, we would like to introduce to you to the writer of our songs.

Dondra: Latony Garag. Latony, get out here.

[Latony Garag walks in.]

Latony Garag: Merry Christmas to the children.

Wondrous: Latony, is there anything you would like to say before this next song?

[Cut to Latony Garag]

Latony Garag: Yes. This song was written as an homage to my mother. The mother of the house, miss Buffay Styles. It was written at Dondra am when I was skiing with miss Connie. See what I’m saying? The snow that goes up. Understand? The Northeast snow. I’m talking about crook rain!

[Cut to the disappointed audience] [Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: Thanks Latony for the clarification. Let’s do this.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Santa’s tired he’s a grump

Dondra: [singing]

Sork all night he needs a bump

Wondrous: Do that bump off your rump

Dondra and Wondrous: The rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum,

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: I thought no one told you what it’s like.

Dondra and Wondrous: Wou, wou, wou, wou, wou,

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is dancing now.]

Heidi: I don’t love that that song was about doing cocaine. But I like that this is the first time I’ve ever seen you happy.

Beck: I’m glad you noticed. Merry Christmas, baby.

Heidi: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Beck: Yeah, I don’t like that for you.

 

Scarlett Johansson Holiday Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Tweezel… Aidy Bryant

Nick Fury… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[band is playing music] [Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johannson: Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be back hosting SNL for the sixth time. You know, the sixth time is even more exciting than the fifth because you’re not worried anymore. I mean, if the show is bad, what are they going to do? Fire my fiance? Oh, no, what will we do without his pay check? I’m also so happy to be here because it’s Christmas time. And I don’t know about you but I still believe in the magic of Christmas.

Tweezel: Well, that’s good to hear, Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, my god, it’s Tweezel! My old elf on the shelf.

Speaker 2: That’s right. It’s me and I hear you’ve been a very good girl this year.

Scarlett Johannson: Well, I certainly tried my best. That’s for sure.

Speaker 2: I’m sure Santa would want to—

[Tweezel slowly turns to dust]

Well—what is this?

Scarlett Johannson: Aidy! Your arm!

Speaker 2: Hey, hey—what the hell is happening?

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, no, Thanos. From “The Avengers” movie I was in. Not the last one. The one before that.

[Cut to Alex Moffat, Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd backstage]

Alex Moffat: No, no! [Alex turns to dust]

Chris Redd: Oh, my god. Mikey.

Ego Nwodim: I thought that was Alex.

ChrisReddRedd: It’s the same damn thing.

[Cut to 1]

Scarlett Johannson: My god! Am I gonna have to save everyone? I left my Black Widow costume in my car.

[Beck Bennet walks in]

Beck Bennett: Scarlett, what is this happening?

Scarlett Johannson: I think Thanos may have somehow returned and found the infinity stone.

Beck Bennet: No, I meant this monologue. This doesn’t seem super top call right? This is like the back-up monologue from the last time you hosted or something?

Scarlett Johannson: Okay, hey, Beck, I love you and it’s Christmas, but you just got to get out of here.

[Beck Bennett slowly turns to dust]

Beck Bennett: No. You need me. Who is going to play the dumb idiot?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner back stage]

Heidi Gardner: Cecily, thank god you’re okay. I think Thanos took Pete.

Cecily Strong: No, it’s just one of those weeks when Pete doesn’t show up.

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god! Look at Bowen.

[Cut to Bowen Yang turning to dust]

Bowen Yang: Wow, first Asian cast member. Now you’re dusting me? Twitter’s gonna eat you alive.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johannson: Bowen too? I have to stop this.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Ah! Michael! Oh, thank god you’re safe. But if you’re here, that must mean that Colin is—

[Colin Jost walks in]

Colin Jost: Hey. Don’t worry. I’m safe.

Scarlett Johannson: Hi, hey. What’s up?

Colin Jost: Well, I thought you’d be more, like, relieved to see me.

Scarlett Johannson: No, I am. No, it’s great.

Colin Jost: It just doesn’t feel great.

Michael Che: Well, I’m just going to head out.

[Michael Che leaves]

Scarlett Johannson: I’m sorry. It’s just, like, I’m focused on Thanos right now.

Colin Jost: Yes! Totally. I got to update stuffs anyway. It’s like saving the world too. Just on a smaller level.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Nick Fury: Natasha! If you gonna stop Thanos, you gonna need my help.

Scarlett Johannson: Sam Jackson, I mean, wait, what’s your name in the movie again?

Colin Jost: Nick Fury from S.H.I.E.L.D. Did you now watch the movies? [Scarlett Johansson is staring at Colin Jost] I’m just going to get out of here.

Scarlett Johannson: Why is Thanos doing this?

Nick Fury: It’s not Thanos this time. Somebody else has got Thanos’s glove.

[Cut to Pete Davidson playing with Thanos’s gauntlet on.

Pete Davidson: Yo, man! This is insane. I have to stop getting high and buying things on ebay. Half the people disappears. Sick, right?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Pete Davidson]

Kyle Mooney: So sick! And hey, thanks for getting rid of Beck for me.

Pete Davidson: Oh, no problem dude.

[Scarlett Johansson and Nick Fury walk in]

Scarlett Johannson: Pete, you have to stop this at once. Where did they all disappear to?

Pete Davidson: Peacock. It’s NBC’s new streaming service.[Cut to Peacock video bumper.] Peacock. Comedy starts here.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Scarlett Johansson and Pete Davidson]

Scarlett Johannson: Can you please bring him back? Please Pete? Just for Christmas?

Nick Fury: Please, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay, fine. I’ll bring them back.

Scarlett Johannson: No, Pete, you gotta snap it.

Pete Davidson: Oh. Okay. I didn’t see the movie.

Scarlett Johannson: Okay. Merry Christmas, Pete!

Pete Davidson: Oh, thank you. You too.

Nick Fury: So, Pete, taking a few shows off, are you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. You know, when you’ve been here as long as I have, you can do that.

Nick Fury: Really? Well, that’s good to know.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and all the SNL cast members on the stage] Scarlett Johannson: Well, it’s great to have you all back. I just want to say, this place means so much to me. I have so many friends here, and I met the love of my life here. Merry Christmas. We get a great show. Niall Horan is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Office Apology

Glen… Beck Bennett

Jenny… Aidy Bryant

Janet… Melissa Villaseñor

Linda Pillard… Scarlett Johansson

Mikey Day

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Amanda… Cecily Strong

David… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a man announcing in his office]

Glen: Okay, if I can just get everybody’s attention. I know things got a little wild at last night’s holiday party. But I just want to be clear, this is still an office. And we have zero tolerance for any workplace harassment.

[Cut to the employees applausing] [Cut to Glen]

Glen: All right, that being said, unfortunately, we have to fire our vice president of sales, Linda Pillard.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Thank god.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And also our front desk guy, Charlie.

[Cut to the employees]

Everybody: Awe.

Janet: Not Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And if it’s okay, they’d both like to come up here and formally apologize. Come on out here, guys.

[Linda Pillard and Charlie comes out]

Linda Pillard: Hey, guys. I guess I had little too much to drink last night at the party and acted like and idiot.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, you think?

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: To Janet specially. I think I may have mentioned some of your past inter office relationships in front of everybody. And that wasn’t cool. And I’m sorry.

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: It was more than uncool. It was humiliating, Linda.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: And just to piggyback on that, Janet, last night after a little wine, I think I said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, when you going to break old Charlie off a piece of that too?” And then I shook my head, did a little dance, and said, “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

Janet: Oh, Charlie, you’re so silly.

Amanda: Charlie, you crack me up.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Right. And Amanda, I guess I upset you when I made a comment about your dress being a little short for a work event. And I’m sorry.

[Cut to the employees]

Amanda: Oh, you guess? Well, I guess you’re still a rude ass bitch. And that’s why you’re getting fired.

[all employees clap] [Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, hey. All right. Let’s keep it clean.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: Amanda! I saw that dress too. And after a few of them vodkas. I think I might have said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, that dress so short, all I see is donkey monkey.” Then I did a little dance. “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.” Out of line. I stand accused.

[Cut to the employees]

Amanda: Okay, Charlie, don’t start nothing you finish.

David: Come on, Glen. You can’t fire Charlie. He’s Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: I’m not happy about this either, David. But this is above my pay grade.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Whatever. Anyway, David, I vaguely remember this, but apparently I was being really obnoxious when I kept asking where you were really from.

[Cut to the employees]

David: Yep, and I kept telling you. Boston, you racist.

[the employees clap] [Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: To my man, Kung Fu.

David: Hey, Charlie. Lookie here, man, you know I had a couple of them bourbons last night and I maybe said something to you like, “Mm, man, if I was a gay man, your booty would be in trouble.” But I’m not so your booty all right. And then I did a little dance. I took a bow. And said “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

David:  Charlie, I really needed that. Thank you.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: Nothing but love, Kung Fu.

Linda Pillard: Wait a minute. How is that not awful?

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s almost Christmas.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Trust me, did I everthing in my power to just fire Linda today.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What?

Charlie: Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. don’t you worry about me, baby. Maybe I can become the Grinch and bring it to your house. But instead of stealing all your presents, I’ll be stealing that ass. And it won’t just be my heart growing three sizes. Um, um. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: I really appreciate that, Charlie.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What the hell? It feels like you guys are going way easier on him than on me.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, my god! Get over yourself. It’s Charlie.

Amanda: Yeah. He’s just a sweet old man that had a little too much to drink.

Janet: We all did. It was a partly.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: But he’s still drinking right now.

Charlie: What this? Oh, this just a swallow to get me straight.

Linda Pillard: This is completely unfair.

Charlie: Girl, you are too fine to be so stank. Why don’t you slip on old Charlie like a pair of jeans?

Linda Pillard: What? You’re disgusting.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Oh, just take compliment.

David: Yeah, he’s just being sweet.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: You know what? Maybe she’s right. Maybe I did go too far. Is that why I’m getting fired?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Actually, that has nothing to do with why you’re getting fired. HR says your urine sample came back as Lipton iced tea.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Oh, you notice that.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Yeah. And you printed out pornographic pictures on the office copier and left them there.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Oh, all right. So it did work.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Also a woman who identified herself as her wife spray painted cheater on the company van thinking it was yours.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Well, I guess what happens in DeKado comes back nine months later.

 

Niall Horan Put a Little Love on Me

[Starts with Scarlett Johansson announcing Niall Horan’s live performance]

Scarlett Johansson: Once again, Niall Horan.] [cheers and applause] [Cut to a man playing piano and Niall Horan singing.]

Niall Horan: [singing]

We fight we get high holding on to love
We came down cos there was nothing holding us
Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are
Is it wrong that I still don’t know my heart

Are you all dressed up but with nowhere to go
Are your tears falling down when the lights are low
Another Friday night tryna put on a show
Do you hate the weekend
Cos nobody’s calling
I’ve still got so much love hidden beneath this skin
So darling

Put a little love on me
Put a little love on me
When the lights come up and there’s no shadows dancing
I look around as my heart is collapsing
Cos you’re the only one I need
To put a little love on me

We wrote and we wrote
Til there were no more words
We laughed and we cried
Until we saw our worst
Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are
Is it wrong that I still don’t know my heart

Are you all dressed up but with nowhere to go
Are your tears falling down when the lights are low
Another Friday night tryna put on a show
Do you hate the weekend
Cos nobody’s calling
I’ve still got so much love hidden beneath this skin
Will someone

Put a little love on me
Put a little love on me
When the lights come up and there’s no shadows dancing
I look around as my heart is collapsing
Cos you’re the only one I need
To put a little love on me

Last night I lay awake
Stuck on the things we say
And when I close my eyes the first thing I hear you say is

Put a little love on me
Put a little love on me
When the lights come up we’re the only ones dancing
I look around and you’re standing there asking
You say, you’re the only one I need
So put your love on me

You’re the only one I need
Put your love on me

[music stops] [cheers and applause]

Niall Horan Nice to Meet Ya (Live)

[Starts with Scarlett Johansson announcing Niall Horan’s performance]

Scarlett Johansson: Ladies and gentlemen, Niall Horan.

[Cut to Niall Horan with his band on stage] [music playing]

Niall Horan: [humming]

I like the way you talk, I like the things you wear
I want your number tattooed on my arm in ink, I swear
‘Cause when the morning comes, I know you won’t be there
Every time I turn around, you disappear

Nice to meet you

I wanna blow your mind, just come with me, I swear
I’m gonna take you somewhere warm, you know j’adore la mer
‘Cause when the morning comes, I know you won’t be there
Every time I turn around, you disappear

(I got love for you)
(I got love for you)

Nice to meet ya, what’s your name?
Let me treat ya to a drink

I like the way you talk, I like the things you wear
I want your number tattooed on my arm in ink, I swear
‘Cause when the morning comes, I know you won’t be there
Every time I turn around, you disappear

(I got love for you)
(I got love for you)

One minute, you’re there, the next one, you’re gone
Been waiting for you all night, so come on
You know what I need, you know what I want
You know what I need now, you know what I need now

[humming]

Nice to meet ya, what’s your name?
Let me treat ya to a drink

Nice to meet ya
(I got love for you)
Where ya been?
(I got love for you)
Let me treat ya
(I got love for you)
To a drink
(I got love for you)

[humming] [music stops]

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Cecily Strong

Santa Claus… Beck Bennett

Dad… Mikey Day

Mom… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a girl looking at her mother and Santa kissing] [music playing]

Cecily: ♪ I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
♪underneath the mistletoe last night
♪she didn’t see me creep downstairs to have a peak
♪she thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

♪oh, what a laugh it would have been
♪if daddy had only seen
♪mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
♪turns out that kissing mom had Santa Claus

[Cut to Mikey watching Scarlett and Santa kissing]

♪underneath the mistletoe that night
♪I thought that he’d be mad
♪or just be kind of sad
♪but he just sat there watching them and only said,

Dad: Not bad.

Cecily: ♪By now, I can tell that Santa Claus

[Santa backing off from kissing]

♪regretted getting himself mixed up in this
♪he said that he should probably roll
♪but mommy said

Mom: No, wait, asshole!

Cecily: ♪He had done half the stuff that was in the posting on Craiglist
♪but Santa said they’d better pay in full
♪or he’d tell the friends what they did behind closed doors

[Mikey strangles the Santa]

♪I couldn’t believe my eyes
♪my mom and dad just killed some guy
♪then I realized the chokehold was just part of the script—
♪and then Santa stood up and thanked them both

♪and asked them if they were both satisfied
♪mom and dad said they had a blast
♪and gave him thousand cash
♪and walked him to his Nissan parked right outside

[Cut to Cecily laying in bed]

♪then I laid in bed thinking about
♪how much I really don’t know mom and dad
♪but the weirdest thing I think
♪isn’t my parents kink

♪it’s the fact that I sat watching them for as long as I have
♪oh, well, I guess we all need to have a thing
♪mine seems to be watching people private life
♪and at least now that I know
♪I can keep it under control
♪that my mommy kissed Santa Claus last night

Hot Tub Christmas

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Cecily Strong

Scarlett Johansson

Big Jim… Niall Horan

[Starts with a clip of Radisson hotel]

Chris: Honey, come on. The coast is clear.

[Cut to Chris and Ego in a indoor pool]

Ego: Oh, my gosh! This is so crazy. The sign says it’s after hours for the hot tub

Chris: Yeah, well. It also says you can’t go in if you’ve had diarrhea in the past two weeks.

Ego: What are you implying, mister?

Chris: You know you did. Now, get in here rule breaker.

Ego: Okay, you are going to get us kicked out of the Radisson select.

[unknown laughter]

Ego: Honey what is that?

[Two women’s spirit appear]

Cecily: Hi, y’all.

Scarlett: Hi.

Chris: Are you spirits?

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Cecily: Oh, you mean like ghosts? Yeah.

Scarlett: Yeah, go ahead. Put your hand through my face.

[Cut to everybody. Ego tries tries to touch Scarlett]

Scarlett: Ah! I’m kidding.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Honey, I bet they’re gonna teach us some kind of Christmas lesson.

Chris: Yeah, like show us the error of our ways.

Ego: Like that classic Christmas story.

Chris: Oh yeah, what was it? Like the Muppet Christmas carol?

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Cecily: Oh gosh. I wish. I love Muppets.

Scarlett: No, we’re just two dead strippers that get to haunt this hot tub every Christmas.

[Cut to everybody]

Ego: You’re strippers?

Scarlett: We were.

Cecily: We’re dead now.

Scarlett: Yeah. We worked at Big Jim’s Jug, Rug and Tug Join across the street from the family chicken restaurant.

[cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: So, how did you two pass?

Ego: Honey, that’s rude.

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Scarlett: No, it’s okay. There’s a song about it.

[music playing]

It was Christmas at the strip club

Cecily: Back in Chris97Cecily

Both: Big Jim closed up early

so we could trim the stripper tree

Scarlett: We gathered all our pasties

and set them on each limb

Both: Then big Jim made his annual joke

about getting Christmas trim

Cecily: We took our Christmas Quaaludes

Scarlett: having fun just hanging round

Both: we said is it safe to swim on qualudes

there is only one way to find out

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: Oh, it’s starting to sound like they did something dumb.

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Scarlett: So, we sneaked into this hot tub

Cecily: On this crystal Christmas night

Both: We said let’s do something funny

and have chicken fight

Cecily: I got on the bottom

Scarlett: And I got on the top.

[Spirit of Niall Horan appears]

Bim Jim: And I got up on both of them

while they both just shouted stop.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Who are you?

Bim Jim: I’m big Jim.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Big?

Scarlett: No, no. It’s a funny name.

Cecily: Yeah, like when you call a big fat guys, Tiny.

Ego: Okay, so you’re dead too?

Chris: Honey?

Bim Jim: I don’t mind it. It’s in the song.

Scarlett: Yeah, let’s get back to it.

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Bim Jim: So, I sat on top of the chicken

but it felt like something was wrong

Then I noticed the girls went under

but they were down there far too long

Both: So we popped out of the water

to play a joke on Jim

All: But our forehead hit Jim’s forehead

and we all sunk down again

then we had a staring contest

underneath the hot tub foam

but we swallowed too much water

and now this hot tub is our forever home

Cecily: Did you get what happened in the song?

Scarlett: We drowned in.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: So the three of you drowned having staring contest?

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Scarlett: Yeah. I guess so. We was just having a good time.

Cecily: That’s the meaning of friendship.

Bim Jim: And hey, isn’t friendship what Christmas is all about?

Scarlett: Hey, don’t y’all ever forget that.

[The clock bell rings]

Well, it’s almost midnight.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: What happens then?

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Cecily: Then it’s Christmas and we go back to hell.

Scarlett: Yeah, we only get the one night. Anyway, before we go—

All: [singing]

so here’s out Christmas lesson

the afterlife is long

but we all have to go so why not go with friends

and you’ll never be alone

[song ends]

Scarlett: Oh! And one more thing. That diarrhea you’re having right now, it’s because you’re pregnant.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Oh, honey.

Chris: You’re having diarrhea right now?

Ego: Yes, but we’re going to have a baby.

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Cecily: Congratulations.

[Cut to everybody]

All: Merry Christmas. Bye.

Ego: Oh! I guess they taught us something after all.

Chris: Did they?

Ego: We found out I’m pregnant.

Chris: I would like to get a real doctor to establish that, but hey, get over here. Merry Christmas. I love you.

Ego: I love you, too.

 

Hallmark Dating Show

Emily Cringle… Aidy Bryant

Lauren… Scarlett Johansson

Brian… Beck Bennett

Prince Simon… Alex Moffat

Nick St. Claus… Kyle Mooney

Prince’s friend… Chris Redd

Dad… Mikey Day

[Starts with Hallmark Channel intro]

Narrator: This is the Hallmark Channel. We make thousands of Christmas movies and gifts for teachers. Next up, it’s our all new “Holiday Matchmaking Show.”

[Cut to the show set] [cheers and applause]

Emily Cringle: Hello, I am Emily Cringle and this is Hallmark’s Winter Boyfriend for Holiday Christmas. The only dating show from the makers of Hallmark Holiday movies. Let’s meet our bachelorette. She’s a New York six and a buffalo ten. It’s Lauren.

[Cut to Lauren] Lauren: What’s that, boss? More work? On it. Hi, I have to write a bit article for the paper about how Santa isn’t real. The last thing I’m looking for is a guy.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Oh, we’ll see about that. Okay. Let’s meet our Hallmark holiday hunks.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Hi, I’m Brian from your home town. I work at a Christmas tree farm that might get bought out by googisoft computers unless we can come up with the money by Christmas.

[Cut to Prince Simon] Prince Simon: Hello. I’m prince Simon of Caucasia. I’ve negotiated a peace treaty with our neighbors in Asstopia. The only problem is, I can’t sign it unless I’m married by Christmas.

[Cut to Nick St. Claus]

Nick St. Claus: Ho, ho, ho, Lo! I’m Nick St. Claus and I work one day a year. My co-workers are, how do I say this, a little short. I’m not Santa.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Wow, those are hunks. Lauren, whoever you pick will join you in the Hallmark gazebo suite where you’ll share a single dry kiss. So, who gets the first question?

Lauren: I’ll start with royalty. Prince Simon, I live in stock footage of New York city that still has the twin towers in it. But Caucasia sounds incredible. What is it like?

[Cut to Prince Simon]

Prince Simon: Well, there’s snowy mountains and we all have British accents, so you know, vague Europe.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Wow. That’s dreamy. Let’s to go Nick. My ex fiancé answered work emails on Christmas which made him the villain. Please, tell me you take Christmas off.

[Cut to Nick St. Claus]

Nick St. Claus: Yeah, that’s going to be a problem because I work in the gift industry. So, it happens to be my busiest time of the year. Ou!

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Okay. That’s Santa. Now, Brian, you’re always saying meaningful phrases and you’re afraid of fire. Be real with me. Are you a ghost?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: That’s right. I’m a hot ghost. And yes, my thing is invisible.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Well, that’s too bad.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Well, Lauren, any front-runners?

Lauren: Well, I’m leaning toward the prince but I want to get to know him better.

Emily Cringle: Well, then why don’t we bring in Simon’s friend, the one black person in town.

[Cut to everybody. Prince’s friend walks in.]

Speaker 6: Yo, yo, girl. I’m gonna break it down for you like this. The prince, he’s in love with you. Go get your man.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Thanks. What do you do over the holidays?

[Cut to Speaker 6]

Speaker 6: I clap when he kiss.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Well, what’s your name?

[Cut to Speaker 6]

Speaker 6: I-I-I- I don’t know. Christmas? Leave me alone. I don’t have a back story.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle] [the bell rings]

Emily Cringle: Oh, and that chime means it’s almost Christmas. If you haven’t chosen someone to marry by then, Christmas is canceled. And the killer goes free. So, it all comes down to this final question.

Lauren: Bachelors, what is this? [Lauren shows a 9 step candle stand] [Cut to the bachelors]

Nick St. Claus: Christmas fork?

Prince Simon: Santa’s trident?

Brian: A dreidel?

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Judges? Yep, we’ll allow it.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: yeah! I won! I won.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I just don’t know. To give up my job and my very gay friend in the city for things that are actually good like Christmas? And men? If only my dad were here. He always knows what to do.

[Dad walks in]

Dad: Hi, pumpkin.

Lauren: Daddy, you made it.

Dad: Christmas just have never been the same since your mother exploded.

Lauren: Oh, daddy, who do I choose?

Dad: Well, sweetheart, listen to the snow globe.

Lauren: It says choose Christmas? That’s it. I’ll marry Christmas.

Dad: Yes!

[Cut to Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: That’s right. The true reason for Christmas is husband. So, this has been A Winter Boyfriend For Holiday Christmas. I’m Emily Kringle from Hallmark reminding you, stay straight out there.

Children’s Clothing Ad

Ego Nowdim

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Nathan… Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with families shopping]

Narrator: The holidays are here. So head to Macy’s for unbeatable deals on a winter wardrobe for the whole family. Men’s blazers starting at $49.99. Kashmir tops for her from $79.99. And for your little ones, Macy’s have the festive fashion that’ll have them saying—

[Cut to a kid]

Kid: It’s too hot!

[Cut to another kid]

Kid: It itches!

[Cut to a baby crying] [Cut to parents struggling to dress their kids]

Narrator: It is the season for wrestling your wiggly little monster into thick winter clothes. So, all month long, we’re taking 25% off boys merino wool sweaters that won’t fit over his head.

[Cut to Nathan putting the sweater on his kid]

Nathan: If you stop squirming, it would be on already.

Narrator: And 40% off cozy corduroys that’ll pinch his little nuts.

[Cut to Ego and Chris with their kid.]

Ego: Can’t he just wear his jeans?

Chris: [yelling] You don’t wear jeans to church.

Narrator: And for your little girl, it’s half off all hard, shiny shoes that hurt.

[Cut to Kate walking with her kid]

Kid: Ow! These shoes hurt.

Kate: Welcome to being a woman, Kylie.

Narrator: And 30% off all holiday rompers she’ll never get off in time.

[Cut to Heidi drying her kid’s romper with hair dryer]

Kid: It’s wet!

Heidi: Okay, you have to tell mommy when you have to go.

Narrator: The weather outside may be frightful, but at Macy’s, we’ve got kids jackets so big and thick, [Kenan struggling to put his kid to the car seat] they won’t fit in their car seat anymore.

[Cut to Kenan closes the car door with frustration and swears]

Kenan: Here we go. You didn’t hear that, buddy.

Narrator: And save an extra 10% on snow boots that are so hard to put on, it’ll strain your marriage.

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Heidi: You need to put your foot in sideways and then twist it.

Nathan: [yelling] Well, if you can do it, then do it.

Narrator: And deals so hot, even forsty—

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Heidi: You need to learn, Nathan.

Nathan: [talking to his daughter] Daddy’s a dumb ass.

Narrator: And deals so hot—

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Heidi: okay, well, if this is gonna be your attitude, maybe we should tell my mom we’re not coming.

Narrator: And deals so—

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Nathan: Oh, no, and miss your brother getting drunk and asking to borrow money? Whatever will I do?

Narrator: And for your new arrivals, we’ve got precious winter onesies with so many tiny buttons and snaps, you’ll let your baby sit in a loaded diaper for hours just to avoid putting it back on. Plus, every day savings on mittens they’ll lost, shirts with the wrong ‘Frozen’ princess, sweaters that make them hot, flannel that’s make them hot, scarves that make them hot— [Kenan opens the scarf of a kid, but realizes it’s not his kid]

Kenan: [shocked] Where is my kid? Marcus!

Narrator: And button downs with sharp, scratchy tags in the back that’ll have them bitching all season long. Look, we know it’s awful for them and for you. But one day, they’ll be too old to wear cute little clothes like this and you’ll miss it. So, suck it up and get down to Macy’s.

[Cut to Nathan’s family picture]

Narrator: The clothes they’ll hate creates the memories you’ll love.