Category: 2021

All On Me

Lil T… Chris Redd

Mac… Kenan Thompson

Freddie Gibbs

Ariana DeBose

Lil T: [rapping] Lil’ T on the track, baby
Just got signed, so we rich now, ha
Whole crew gon’ eat, my girl Boo-Boo
My boy Mac wit’ me, yeah
We in the club, actin’ up, let’s go

Came through the kitchen on a Tuesday
Straight to the booth for my crew, ’bout to do things
Pop bottles, new money, at my old ways
Penny for your thoughts, I got a milli’ for the whole thing
Party’s around me, just drink and don’t speak (But they fine tho)
Shrimp tower, what’s that? We don’t eat
Give ’em tips with change we don’t need
Don’t worry ’bout a thing ’cause it’s all on me

Lil’ T winnin’, now it’s all on me
Get what you want, it’s all on me
Wear shades ’cause my shinе is all you’ll see
Black card to black card, it’s all on me
Run the check-up ‘causе it’s all on me
What’s that? ‘Cause it’s all on me
Waitress: The check, sir.

Lil T: ‘Cause it’s all on me
Oh, cool.

cause it’s all on m—

[1 looks at the check. It’s over $44,000. He’s shocked]
Oh, my God!

Ariana: Baby? Baby, what’s wrong?

Lil T: Uh, hmm? Oh, nothin’ boo, heh, Don’t worry ’bout it.
Hey Mac, hm, tell ’em how you livin’, bruh.

Mac: T give me that dough, and I’m wildin’ (No doubt)
Got the whole crew drippin in diamonds (Ayy)
Diamonds on my chain, (Ayy) ten diamond rings (Ten?)
Diamonds on my grill, (Okay) diamonds for my girl (Wait)
Benz for my girl, (Mac!) house for my girl (Hey, Mac!)
Benz for my house, (No!) house for my Benz (What?)
Benz for my moms, (No!) Benz for my kids (They babies!)
Big words what I said, cause it’s all on him

Lil T: R-run that check up, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Some is on me, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Or us though, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Who ordered this shrimp? (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Nobody eatin’ it! (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
That ain’t good, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)

Ariana: You can tell by the way he throw it all around [1 is collecting the money he threw before]
He got money in the bank (It’s all on T!)

Freddie Gibbs: Okay, Lil’ T, you up in the big leagues
See you spendin’ big G’s like your boy Freddie G
Young’uns making money is something I like to see
Send him one big bottle of Ace, it’s on me

Lil T: Damn, Freddie Gibbs, you doin’ it like that?

Mac: You know the club code, gotta send something back!

Lil T: I already know, yo, send something dope!
Enjoy Freddie Gibbs!

Freddie Gibbs: What’s this, diet coke? The f**k?
Boy, I should whoop your ass for bringing this ***damn Coke, boy!
Old dude’s just being cheap!
Shots for everybody and they all on T!

Lil T: No!

Freddie Gibbs: Run the check up (‘Cause it’s all on T!)
He got it! No, it’s not! (Yeah, it’s all on T!)

Lil T: No, Freddie Gibbs doesn’t represent me, though
Ariana: Now, hold up, baby, lemme get em!
Crystal poppin’ in the VIP
I got my own money, but he spendin’ on me
Get ten more bottles! (Let’s start with one!)
Five Dom Perignons! (Let’s start with none!)
And all you ho’s in the club, look but don’t touch
Gotta go through me first, now eat your box lunch
Throw that money up, whole spot going crazy! (Word!)
Cause I’m having Lil’ T’s baby!

Lil T: You’re pregnant? (It’s all on T!)
That’s why you’re not drinkin’? (It’s all on T!)
I thought there was like, a holy reason! (It’s all on T!)
I’m so stressed, (It’s all on T!)
I’m not financially prepared to be a father.

Mac: Hey, let’s close this out right, T.

Lil T: Ahh, everybody put your hands in the sky
Now drop ’em low to the floor
Now pull your credit card out
And pass it to me, bro!
Oh, who got a Venmo? Send me a Venmo!
Who got a Venmo? I need like ten mo’
(Ow-ow, bah, ow-ow) ‘Cause, it’s all on me!

[paying the bill] Hey, can you go and split these up evenly between all these? Thank you very much, it’s very important (‘Cause it’s all on me!)

Tina Fey & Michael Che with a Special Christmas Weekend Update

Tina Fey

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Tina Fey and Michael Che on SNL stage]

Michael Che: Hey, what’s up? I’m Michael Che.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey

Michael Che: Okay, so this is the part of the show where we would normally do Update and Tina was gonna do update with me because Colin is not here tonight.

Tina Fey: It’s not what you think. He’s having worked on?

Michael Che: So, we thought we’d read these dumb jokes anyway, and just see if we can make these guys laugh.

[Tom Hanks, Paul Rudd and Kenan Thompson are only the audience they have]

Tina Fey: Yeah, you guys ready? Hanks, are you ready? May I call you Hanks?

Tom Hanks: I’d rather you did.

Tina Fey: Okay. And can we confirm that you have never heard these jokes before?

Tom Hanks: Not a one. Except the two you blew in the rehearse.

Michael Che: Alright. Perfect. Well, it’s Christmas. So, let’s start with some good news, Tina. O.J. Simpson has been released from parole two months early because of good behavior. Said O.J., “I can’t believe I got out of parole early but I did it. I did it.”

Tina Fey: Time Magazine has named Elon Musk person of the year. You can read more about it on your phone while your Tesla is self driving you into a lake.

Michael Che: It was revealed that on January 6, three Fox News hosts all texted Mark Meadows to urge him to get Trump to call off his supporters. And you know you’ve gone too far when Fox News is like, “Somebody better calm these white people down.”

Tina Fey: This week marks the one year anniversary of the first person in the US to get the COVID vaccine and all I had to do was lying about being a nurse. I blew it again!

Michael Che: Mayor elect Eric Adams has selected New York City’s first ever female police commissioner, which means policing is about to get a lot more passive aggressive. There’s more. You wanna hear the other part? Instead of stop and frisk, they’re gonna go through your phone while you’re in the shower.

Tina Fey: German police have broken up a plot by anti vaxxers to kill a local official over vaccine mandates. It’s a classic conflict between Germany’s two favorite things, violence and rules. Hanks likes that one. Because it’s about Germans.

Michael Che: A judge in Louisiana took a leave of absence after she was caught on video using the N word, which is the kind of story that makes me wonder why are me and Kenan the only cast members here?

Tina Fey: One of the creators of the original Nintendo Entertainment System has died at the age of 78 after doctors made multiple attempts to blow on him and stick him back in.

Michael Che: Texas police arrested a woman after she tried to hide inside of a refrigerator. So, congratulations to the fat cop who decided to check out the fridge during the raid.

Tina Fey: NASA announced that for the first time in history a spacecraft has touched the sun by flying through its upper atmosphere, NASA was finally able to complete the impossible mission by going at night.

Michael Che: That’s smart.

Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.

Michael Che: After 37 players in the NFL tested positive in one day, the league is mandating booster shots for coaches and some team personnel. And hopefully the Jets booster shots will come with a little bit of steroids.

Tina Fey: The FDA said it will permanently allow people to get abortion pills through the mail which means your pill should arrive just in time for your child’s first birthday.

Michael Che: Oh you’ll like this one, Hanks. Dozens of camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia’s annual camel beauty contest because they got botox and facelifts to make them more attractive. But hey man, we ain’t looking at their faces. Am I right? [Tom Hanks is laughing hard] Look at his face!

Tom Hanks: You’re killing me.

Tina Fey: The Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer hours after being accused of kicking a player. Worse the player was somehow returned for a touchdown.

Michael Che: Bakers in Massachusetts have created the world’s largest pot brownie weighing 850 pounds. They came up with the idea after eating the world’s second largest pot brownie.

Tina Fey: A Florida man was kicked off a plane for wearing women’s underwear as a facemask because federal law requires you to at least put in a maxi pad. That one stays.

Michael Che: It was reported that Bruce Springsteen sold the rights for his music catalog for more than $500 million. So, hopefully he finally has money to move out of New Jersey.

Tina Fey: An ethics panel has ordered Andrew Cuomo to return the $5 million in profits he earned from the book he wrote about the pandemic. Said Cuomo “Okay, but you got to reach down in my pocket and take it out yourself sweetheart.” For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight. Merry Christmas.

 

The Global Warming Christmas Special

Carl Sagan…..Mike Myers
Dean Martin…..Tom Hanks
Sally Struthers…..Victoria Jackson
Crystal Gayle…..Jan Hooks
Isaac Asimov…..Phil Hartman
Paul McCartney…..Dan Carvey
George Hamilton…..Kevin Nealon
…..Ralph Nader
…..Dom DeLuise…..Chris Farley
Petula Clark…..Julia Sweeney

[Starts with Tom Hanks on SNL stage]

Tom Hanks: I miss when Christmas was worry free. When there was no pandemic. And the scariest thing we were worried about was global warming. Back in the day, we thought this was a huge deal. But then it all just magically disappeared. [listening to his ear piece] What’s that? Oh, it’s still here. And it’s still bad. Ah, well, in that case, here’s one of my favorite sketches from my fifth time hosting in 1991.

[Cut to the sketch]

Announcer: It’s The Global Warming Christmas Special, with Carl Sagan. Starring Kirstie Alley, Dr. William R Keeler from the Chicago Institute of Meteorological Studies, funnyman Louie Anderson, Professor I. Bennet Eckling, Chief Atmospheric Physicist from the World Resources Institute, Jamie Farr and many, many more. And now, here he is – Carl Sagan!

[ Carl Sagan enters the summer-styled Christmas village set ]

Carl Sagan: Good evening, and welcome to my first Global Warming Christmas Special. It’s a tradition which I fear will continue for years to come, because, the way things are going, global warming will be around for a long time. Now, here’s someone else who’s been around for a long time, a man who’s hosted many a Christmas show himself – Mr. Dean Martin.

[ Dean Martin enters with a glass of vodka and a lit cigarette ]

Carl Sagan: Welcome, Dean. I hope this special will prove to be enlightening and entertaining.

Dean Martin: Hello there, Carl. You just show me where the cue cards and we’ll take care of this whole thing.

Carl Sagan: Okay, Dean, because after all..

[ singing ]

“The Earth’s atmosphere operates
as a greenhouse, if you will.”

Dean Martin: “When there’s too much carbon dioxide
it blocks out all the..”

Carl Sagan:“Our CO2 concentration
has risen to 350 parts per million
mostly due to the fossil fuel,
consumption and horizon other trace gases.”

Dean Martin: “Methane, nitrogen oxide
and cho-based molecules..”

Carl Sagan: [ interrupting ] Excuse me, Dean. Dean, that’s not “cho”, that’s “C-H-O-H”, a base molecule for all chlorofloral carbons. I wish you’d shown up for rehearsal.

Dean Martin: Well, it sure looks like “cho” to me, Professor! [ laughs ]

Carl Sagan: Well, perhaps we should simply proceed to the final refrain.

Dean Martin: Oh, lead the way!

Together: “‘Cause you just can’t tell it’s Christmas anywhere!!”

Carl Sagan: Thank you. Dean, join me as we examine Christmas in an artificially-warmed envorinmoent.

Dean Martin: Oh now, hold on there, Einstein! Where’s all the snow?

Carl Sagan: Well, Dean, if you’d paid attention to the lyrics you just sang, you’d realize that in a greenhouse climate, the chief precipitant would be rain.

Dean Martin: Ooh, that ain’t right!

Carl Sagan: Cheer up, Dino. Let’s decorate the greenhouse-affected Christmas tree, shall we? [ they walk over to a group of kids and Sally Struthers decorating a two-foot tall Christmas tree ] Believe it or not, Dean, you’re looking at the world’s largest Christmas tree in our new twisted eco-system.

Dean Martin: Ooh now, that’s so upsetting!

Carl Sagan: And look who’s here trimming the tree. It’s Archie Bunker’s daughter, Sally Struthers. Welcome, Sally.

Sally Struthers: [ visibly upset ] Carl, can I say something?

Carl Sagan: Please.

[ close-up of Sally’s tear-streaked face ]

Sally Struthers: We can’t allow this to happen.. Won’t you please, please send money.. to wherever.. money is sent.. to fix.. this terrible.. tree thing.. Please..!

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Sally. Thank you. So you see, folks, if the poles continue to melt as they are, we’ll all be in hot water! [ chuckles at his inane joke ]

Dean Martin: Well, now, what about the folks like me, who already live in the desert?

Carl Sagan: Dean, the mean temperature in Las Vegas will one day rise to 156 degrees, making it uninhabitable and rendering such landmarks as the Aladdin Hotel stark monuments to an age of self-indulgence.

Dean Martin: Ooh, well what about Tahoe?

Carl Sagan: It’ll be fine. Now, here to sing a Yuletide classic, Crystal Gayle and popular science fiction writer Isaac Asimov.

[ Crystal Gayle and Isaac Asimov enter, singing ]

Crystal Gayle: Pretty sidewalks

Isaac Asimov: In the air, there’s a feeling Christmas

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: It’s Christmas time in the city!

[ Carl throws red paint onto Crystal’s fur coat ]

Crystal Gayle: [ outraged ] Wha-? Hey! What’s this?

Carl Sagan: I’m sorry, Crystal. I realize that global warming is the theme of this special. However, fur is indeed murder!

Crystal Gayle: You got paint in my hair, you nerd! God!

Carl Sagan: Now, then, it’s time for the traditional gift exchange. And look who’s joined us. Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife, Linda.

Paul McCartney: Well, we just thought we’d drop by and do our part, ’cause you know, it’s global warming, it’s madness! You know, it’s killing us! You know, the other day I said to Linda, “We’re losing the bloody planet!” And after the planet, what have you got? You can’t live in the sky or in the sun! There’s nowhere to stand! you know, you’d just be falling all the time, and then what have you got? I mean, think about it, you know? You could bring a chair, so that you could have a sit. But if you think that chair’s not gonna fall, you’d be bloody wrong. ‘Cause it will, and then what have you got? You’re right back where you started, standing in the sun without a chair.

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Paul.

Paul McCartney: It’s bloody madness!

Dean Martin: [ interrupting ] Aw, let’s open the presents, Ringo!

Carl Sagan: Very well, Dean. But remember, these gifts have been altered by our environmental neglect.

Dean Martin: Oh yeah, yeah. You sound like a broken record! Now, which one is mine?

Carl Sagan: [ hands Dean a present ] Okay, here you go, Dean. It’s peanut brittle.

Dean Martin: [ excited ] Oh, man, I loves the peanut brittle now.. [ reaches into the box to find a sticky mess ] Oh, wait, hey, hey, what’s going on here now?

Carl Sagan: In the atmosphere greenhouse of tomorrow, molasses-based candies will liquify, even on the mildest days.

Dean Martin: Hmm..

Paul McCartney: It’s madness, I tell you!

Sally Struthers: [ sobbing ] People, we can’t let this happen..!

Dean Martin: [ eating his peanut brittle anyway ] Mmm, well, it’s not bad! [ wipes off his sticky peanut butter fingers in Crystal Gayle’s hair ]

Crystal Gayle: [ annoyed ] What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Dean Martin: Oh.. sorry..

Carl Sagan: Okay, everybody, we’ve had some fun, but now it’s time for a special Christmas message from our guest, Mr. George Hamilton.

[ dissolve to George Hamilton’s pre-taped message ]

George Hamilton: Hello, everyone. Does my tan frighten you? Perhaps, it should. What you’re looking at is the tan of the future. Unless America changes it ways, when I look at a knockout babe like Dyan Cannon, and I see the ravages that ozone depletion has wrought on her leathery, flaking skin, I think, “My God, what have these fools done?” For those of my generation – for John Derek, for Bob Guccione – it may be too late. But who will speak for the Rob Lowes? For the Chad Lowes? For the Lorenzo Lamas’? Or the two Coreys? What kind of tan can they expect? Certainly not a healthy, golden tan. Not even a tawny bronze. The best they can hope for is a light cocoa. Think about that this Christmas.

[ dissolve back to Carl Sagan standing next to Ralph Nader in the Christmas village ]

Carl Sagan: Now, we will enjoy a rendition of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”, by my colleague Ralph Nader.

[ drunken Dean Martin rushes into the scene ]

Dean Martin: Oh now, alright boy, alright, that’s very nice! Now, you’re a nice fella, but we all get the idea! Now, let’s do a real Christmas show! Ladies and gentlemen, The Vogue Gold Diggers!

[ Vogue Gold Diggers dance into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: Mr. Dom DeLuise!

[ Dom DeLuise enters, tosses a rubber chicken and blows a kiss to the audience ]

Dean Martin: Miss Petula Clark!

[ Petula Clark runs into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: [ to Carl Sagan, pleased ] Well, now, boy.. boy, what did you think there?

Carl Sagan: Interesting. It harks back to a time when Christmas specials were wasteful and excessive.

Dean Martin: Oh, that’s right. [ to one of the Vogue Gold Diggers ] Oh, Lydia? Take care of my friend here.

[ Lydia hugs Carl ]

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Dean!

Dean Martin: Don’t mention it. We’ll be right back!

The Christmas Socks

[Starts with Paul Rudd in SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: You know, Christmas is a time of charity and giving. And that was the inspiration for this next music video, which I shot yesterday morning, with Kyle Mooney, Aidy Bryant, Heidi Gardner, Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat, and what should have been tonight’s musical guests Charlie XCX. It’s a heartfelt Christmas song about a magical moment between a boy and a strange man at a department store. Enjoy.

[Cut to the music video]

Paul Rudd: [singing] It was almost Christmas Day
there I stood in line to pay
at the big department store
Christmas time’s become a chore
standing right in front of me
six year old waiting nervously
when I saw him I was shocked
in his hands he held a pair of socks.

Kyle Mooney: I said I want to buy these socks
for my dear old mom
it’s Christmas and they’d be the perfect socks
it’s been a real tough year
see we got a bird
and it looks as if the bird has flown away

[the boy pays with a coins]

Paul Rudd: The boy was low on cash
so I helped him out
but then I had ask about this bird
tell me about the bird
did it say any words
or was it just one of those quiet birds?

Kyle Mooney: I guess I’d say quiet bird
never heard a word
just a bird that we got at the store

Paul Rudd: Well, I once had a bird
it never squawk to said hello
to me that’s kind of a waste of a bird

Kenan Thompson: [as a storekeeper] Hey, I’m sorry guys
but there’s a big old line
can you please give me the money for the socks?

Paul Rudd: Oh, hey, that’s my bad
go ahead, little boy
buy your mom these perfect
but wait before you do
a quick question for you
did you have a name for your bird?

Kyle Mooney: Great question, sir
we had a name for our bird
and that name was TJ Rocks

Paul Rud: TJ Rocks
that’s an interesting name
sounds like she was one of a kind

Heidi Gardner: [angry in line] I’m sorry. Can you move this conversation someplace else?

Alex Moffat: Yeah. Is he gonna pay for the Christmas socks?

Kyle Mooney: Oh, yeah. [he pays the bill.]

[suddenly Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: There you are my son
I’ve been looking for you
I have some news about TJ Rocks

Kyle Mooney: Is it good news or bad?
what would you say it like that?
Tell me what is up with TJ rocks?

Paul Rud: I’d like to know too
Hi, I haven’t met you
I am friends with your son

Aidy Bryant: Well, I don’t like that
but back to the news
TJ Rocks is back and started a band

[Charli XCX in a bird costume singing]

TJ Rocks: I am TJ Rocks

Paul Rudd: So, she does talk.

TJ Rocks: These are the Junk Yard Boys [the band]
and we would like to play a song for you
two, three, four
I took a bus to the lay and a gock with the Junk Yard Boys

Band: TJ Rocks, TJ Rocks,

TJ Rocks: We got rich and famous,
we would wanna spend Christmas with you.

[everybody is clapping]

Kyle Mooney: TJ, you’re back.

TJ Rocks: I love you, little boy.

Kyle Mooney: [giving his mom the socks] Merry Christmas, Mom.

Aidy Bryant: Oh, sweetie.

Paul Rudd: One more thing. Will you marry me?

Aidy Bryant: Of course.

Paul Rudd and Kyle Mooney: That’s the story of Christmas socks.

 

HomeGoods

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Evelyn… Aidy Bryant

Casey… Paul Rudd

[Starts with Paul Rudd, Tina Fey, Tom Hanks and Kenan Thompson on SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: This first piece, I shot on Thursday night with Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon. It’s about holiday gifts.

[Cut to the sketch. Eileen and Evelyn are on the commercial shooting set. Casey walks to them.]

Eileen: You look gorgeous.

Evelyn: You too.

Casey: Evelyn., Eileen, welcome. We’re so glad you’re doing our commercial. We know how much you love home goods.

Eileen: Yeah, we sure do.

Evelyn: Yeah, maybe too much.

Casey: I’m the director, Casey Home Goods. And I got this job on merit.

Evelyn: Okay.

Casey: Anyway, it can be hard to know what to get moms for the holidays. That’s why we wanted to ask real moms what they actually want. Think you can do that?

Eileen: Well, I should think so.

Evelyn: Yeah, I think We can handle that.

Casey: Awesome. Let’s give it a whirl. And action. Okay moms, what do you want for the holidays?

Eileen: Oh, nothing. I’m not fussy.

Evelyn: Don’t spend too much.

Casey: No, really? What would you like?

Eileen: Maybe… No, I don’t know.

Evelyn: Just a small… Nothing.

Casey: Seriously. You can be honest. What do you really want?

Eileen: Grandchildren.

Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Casey: Okay, sure. But what do you want this year?

Eileen: Grandchildren.
Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Casey: What about something from Home Goods?

Eileen: Grandchildren.

Evelyn: Grandchildren.

Eileen: Grandchildren. A son for my son.

Evelyn: Five grandchildren.

Casey: I think we’ve got grandchildren. Maybe we could just branch out.

Evelyn: A fuzzy blanket to swallow grandchildren.

Casey: Closer.

Eileen: Um, oh, a cake stand.

Casey: Hey, there you go.

Eileen: With grandchildren on top.

Casey: Can you just say sweater?

Evelyn: Why?

Casey: Just to have it.

Evelyn: Baby sweater.

Casey: Okay. Just sweaters.

Evelyn: Just baby.

Casey: Cut. Okay, so the thing about home goods is that we can’t actually sell grandchildren.

Eileen: That sounds like a you problem.

Evelyn: Yeah, can you check in the back?

Casey: No.

Evelyn: Well, sorry. Well, I mean, we’ve never been actor before.

Eileen: Yeah, we’ve also never said what we want out loud before. So that feels pretty good.

Casey: I get it. Sure. You know what? Let’s try gifts for somebody else. All right. Action. Moms know Home Goods is the best place for family gifts. What’s on your list this year?

Eileen: I want Kelsey to be full of my son.

Evelyn: I want the son stuff to go in Kelsey.

Casey: Oh my God.

Eileen: I want her daughter fertilized.

Evelyn: I want them to do the naked marriage dance.

Eileen: Fulfill the wedding promise.

Evelyn: I want the baby to come out of Kelsey so I can take it to Red Lobster.

Casey: Items that cost money.

Eileen: Scissors to cut holes in condoms to give to Kelsey.

Casey: What? No!

Eileen: Candles to light around the living room so they make grandchildren on the carpet.

Eileen: You sell oysters here?

Casey: No, of course not.

Evelyn: I feel like I bought oysters.

Casey: Cut. Look, you two are some of our biggest Home Goods shoppers. Just today, you bought hand soap that smells like wine, 8×10 canvas with the word encourage on it.

Evelyn: A good reminder.

Casey: You know what? I’m just gonna feed you some things that we do sell. And then you just say them back. Alright? Crockpot.

Eileen: Toddler.

Casey: Apron.

Evelyn: Grandson.

Casey: Nope. Milk frother.

Eileen: Milk daughter.

Casey: Christmas wreath.

Evelyn: Boy named Keith.

Casey: Mr. Klen Magic Eraser.

Eileen: Many magic children faster.

Casey: Coffee table book.

Evelyn: No.

Casey: Cut. I don’t know why you guys are so hung up on grandchildren.

Eileen: Casey. Do you have kids?

Casey: No, no way. Too much responsibility. I mean, kids are cute. It’s nice to see them every once in a while. But not all the time.

Evelyn: Yes.

Casey: I mean, sure, it would be fun to take a little scamp who looks like me on the Ferris Wheel. Say good job when she does cartwheels on my lawn. Oh my God. I want grandchildren. Grandchildren are amazing. They don’t blame you for anything. They just play clarinet and get into college. I want them.

Evelyn: I want to take them to the Science Museum and buy them a necklace in the gift shop that’s got a little bug in it.

Eileen: I want to say something weird that makes them consider having a confrontation with me. And then do the math on how long I have and decide not to bother.

Casey: Yeah. I want to have weird opinions about Israel. Not bad. Weird.

Evelyn: Yes, it’s the wrong shape.

Casey: You guys are right. I’m sorry.

Eileen: It’s over. Yeah.

[phone ringing]

Evelyn: Oh, that’s me.

Kelsey: Mama. It’s Kelsey. I’m pregnant.

Evelyn: We did it!

Casey: It’s happening!

Eileen: Kelsey!

An Evening with Pete

[Starts with Paul Rudd in SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: Every Christmas, we find ourselves returning to the old black and white Christmas classics. A Christmas Carol “It’s a Wonderful Life” or if you’re Pete Davidson, “Raging Bull”. On that note, here’s a piece we finished filming at 5am this morning, An evening with Pete. It’s got Pete Davidson, Mikey day, Chloe Fineman, Chris Redd, Andrew Dismukes and James Austin Johnson, and Colin Jost… sort of.

[Cut to Pete Davidson in his dressing room talking to himself]

Pete: Alright, Pete. You still got it baby. You’re the champ. You could still do update with the best of them.

Andrew: [knocks the door] Five minutes Mr. Davidson.

Pete: I’ll be there in six.

[Cut to the show hall. The bartender is a robot. Colin Jost is also a robot.]

Robot Colin Jost: Good evening. I’m Colin Jost. Here with his thoughts on the state of the world is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Thank you. Thank you. As you know, I am from Staten Island. Do you guys know the difference between Gilligan’s Island and Staten Island? One’s full of a bunch of morons who are stuck there for the rest of their lives. And another one’s an old TV show.

Audience: Do Chad.

Pete: Yeah. No. Not gonna do that pal.

Audience: Come on. Just do Chad.

Pete: You can’t just do Chad. Okay? It takes two people. It’s like a whole thing.

Audience: Come on! Just do it.

Pete: Alright, fine. You want chad, I’ll do Chad. [takes a deep breath] Okay.

[audience laughing and clapping]

Robot Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

[Instrumental beat of “Slim Shady” playing]

Pete: [rapping] Hi, my name is… what?
my name is… who?
my name is… wicked wicked warn baby

[Andrew and Chloe are watching Pete]

Chloe: Who exactly is the audience for this?

Andrew: I don’t know. God, he’s sweating like a pig.

Chloe: Yeah. He eats a whole turkey before coming on stage every night.

Andrew: God.

Chris: [to Pete] Hey, boss. Some guy is outside saying he knows you. He just tried to jump the line. Says he’s the right for you or something like that.

[Chris opens the door. Eddy Corbin is freezing outside]

Eddy Corbin: Pete! Hey, it’s your old pal Eddy Corbin. I brought you a Christmas present.

Pete: I’ve never seen him before in my life.

Eddy Corbin: But Pete, we shared an office together. I wrote all your updates and your sketches for you. I stayed up all night while you were at the Knicks games.

Pete: What do you want? A medal? Get out of here, you bum! Shut the door.

Eddy Corbin: It’s okay, Pete. It’s good to see you. Just text me whatever.

[Cut to Pete on stage]

Pete: Thank you. Thank you. Next, I’d like to do a song with my dear friend, Machine Gun Kelly.

[Pete puts an urn with Machine Gun Kelly’s photo on it on the chair]

I’ll take the first verse.

[Cut to Pete at the bar sitting with James]

Pete: So there I was completely dressed as the Grinch about to get into a fight with that no neck guy from ninth grade.

James: Great. I gotta go actually.

Pete: Oh. Okay. How about you ladies? Would you like another drink?

[ladies leave too]

[sad music playing. Pete is looking around at others. He’s alone. He opens the gift Eddy Corbin brought him. It’s marijuana.]

[Cut to Eddy Corbin shivering out at night. Pete walks to him.]

Pete: Cold night, huh?

Eddy: Yeah. Pete?

Pete: Come on, bud. We have a lot of catching up to do.

[Cut to Pete and Eddy sitting with the others]

Pete: You guys know how I was a famous sex symbol for reasons no one could understand. This is the guy who came up with that. He told me to do that.

Chloe: Seriously? How did you come up with that?

Eddy: Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I jotted it down. The rest is history.

Andrew: Was it also his idea of to like cover your body in tattoos and painfully removed them one by one?

Pete: Sure.

[Cut to Pete and Eddy alone]

Pete: Listen, Eddy. I know he never got the credit he deserved. So, I want you to have this. It’s one of my Oscars.

Eddy: Oh wow. Viola Davis Lifetime Achievement Award. Pete, where did you get this?

Pete: Do you want it or not?

Eddy: Yeah. Thank you.

[Cut to Pete at the stage]

Pete: Well, folks, it’s been a great night. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. And remember, it’s not Christmas without fireworks and hot dogs.

Eddy: That’s 4th of July, Pete.

Pete: Yeah, that’s right. Anyway, we’ve come to the end of the show, which means it’s time for me to say…

[singing] goodbye for now
we’ll see each other again
we know that most always near
you know that I’ll be waiting here for you
waiting for you
Pete Davidson Show

5-Timers Cold Open

Paul Rudd

Tom Hanks

Tina Fey

Kenan Thompson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

[Starts with Tom Hanks walking into the SNL stage]

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Hello, hello. Thank you. I’m Tom Hanks. Thank you, surviving crew members. Tonight, everyone at Saturday Night Live planned to do our big Christmas show and adopt a new member into the five timers club. But COVID came early this year. So, in the interest of safety, we do not have an audience and we sent home our cast, most of our crew, but I came here from California and I didn’t think I was gonna fly 3000 miles and not be on TV, well, you got another thing coming. And I am not alone. Isn’t that right, Tina?

[Tina Fey walks in]

Tina Fey: Whoo! Yeah. Clapping by myself. Making the weirdness festive. Yes, I am here and this is not the smallest audience I’ve ever performed for because I have done improv in a Macy’s.

Tom Hanks: Tina, another five times. Thank you for joining me. As you know, I started the five timers club.

Tina Fey: Oh, like you started COVID.

Tom Hanks: Exactly. And tonight, we plan to welcome Paul Rudd to the club and we are not going to let this stop us. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

[Paul Rudd walks in the stage through the door]

Paul Rudd: Wow.

Tom Hanks: Good to see you, kiddo.

Paul Rudd: Oh! Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming. Thanks for coming. I’m extremely disappointed.

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah, I know, buddy.

Tom Hanks: Well, it’s not all that bad. People magazine just named you the most sexist man of the Year.

Paul Rudd: Oh, I think it was sexiest.

Tom Hanks: [sarcasm] Okay, right, yeah.

Paul Rudd: Well, there was a whole show planned. And I just can’t believe I’m not going to get my five timer jacket.

Tom Hanks: Or will you? Here to bestow this great honor is the longest tenured cast member, Mr. Kenan Thompson.

[Kenan Thompson walks in with a 5 timers’ jacket]

Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. Good to see you. Good to see you. [looking around] Whoa! Where is everybody?

Paul Rudd: Kenan, having you heard?

Kenan Thompson: Heard what? About the thing that’s going around?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, covid.

Kenan Thompson: Well, is that real?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s real.

Kenan Thompson: I’m just kidding. Come on. We’re having a good time. Congratulations on hosting the show four and half times.

[Kenan Thompson puts on the jacket on Paul Rudd]

Paul Rudd: Oh! Look at that. It’s beautiful. Look at this stitching.

Tina fey: Yeah, Lorn’s getting really good.

Paul Rudd: Wow.

Tom Hanks: Now, Paul, I know this is it exactly the five timer experience you were hoping for but someone did pre record a very special message just for you. Can we roll that? Let’s roll that.

[Cut to a video clip from Steve Martin]

Steve Martin: Hi, it’s me, famous Steve Martin. Tonight. I just want to congratulate Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: I’m a huge fan of Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: …and Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: …one of my favorite movies, Forest…

Dubbed voice: …Ant-man.

[Martin Short walks in with a glass of water]

Martin Short: [whispering] It’s Paul Rudd.

Steve Martin: Oh, it’s Martin Short. You remember the five timers club? Right?

Martin Short: No.

Steve Martin: How many times have you hosted?

Martin Short: Three.

Steve Martin: Huh! [Steve Martin pushes Martin Short away] So congratulations, Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

[Cut back to the SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: Oh, wow. Thanks.

Tom Hanks: I just thought that was great.

Kenan Thompson: And don’t worry, we still have a great show for everybody, including brand new sketches taped earlier this week.

Tina Fey: And we were also going to show some of our personal favorite sketches from past episodes.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s gonna be a little bit like a new Beatles documentary. A lot of old footage, but enough new stuff that you’re like, “Okay, yeah, I’ll watch that.”

Tom Hanks: So, get us started Mr. Sexy five timer.

Paul Rudd: Okay.

Weekend Update Punkie Johnson on Her Familys Holiday Rules

Michael Che

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After two years, TSA inspects family holiday gatherings, to be back to pre pandemic levels. Here to talk about her family this holiday is Punkie Johnson.

[Punkie Johnson slides in]

Punkie Johnson: Hey. What’s good, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: I’m alright. So, you’re traveling to see your Family this Christmas.

Punkie Johnson: I am. They all down in New Orleans. Yo, I got a big family and we got lots of holiday rules. So, let’s start off with the most important, food. Like, the oldest person must always make the potato salad because they have lived, Che. They know the secret ingredient isn’t Aiza Paprika. It’s pain, dog. You can’t make real potato sad unless you struggle with bone disease, high blood pressure. Oh, you grew up drinking from a segregated waterfall.

Michael Che: That’s why my uncle Laiden makes salad. He don’t got a foot.

Punkie Johnson: Damn! He ain’t got no foot?

Michael Che: Nope.

Punkie Johnson: That potato salad must be delicious.

Michael Che: It is, Punk. So, does everybody bring something?

Punkie Johnson: Yeah, man .Everybody, except for my shady uncle. All he brings is his judgment, man. He still can’t believe I’m gay. He’d be like, “Oh, you’re still into them girls, huh?” And I’m like, “Yes, unc, because women are soft and fluffy. Like hotel pillows. And they smell like Cucumber, Lemon and stability.” I don’t want to wake up with no big hairy man in my bed with a bulge in my back. Oh, yo rough like Brixton, smell like Newports and excuses. Then he always asks me “Well, how do you expect to make a baby then?”

Michael Che: Well, do you want a baby?

Punkie Johnson: I do. I really do. Especially around the holidays, I get baby fever. But I gotta be honest, man. I don’t want a daughter.

Michael Che: You don’t want a daughter? Why not?

Punkie Johnson: Because what if she turned out straight? I don’t want my baby girl to get boned. Argh! Y’all feel me, fellas. Come on! If I have a daughter and she bring a man home, I’m gonna be like, “Bitch I ain’t raised you like that. Where you learn this nonsense, huh? If I’m gay, and your mama gay, then you gay.”

Michael Che: Punkie, you can’t make your child gay.

Punkie Johnson: Watch me. From age one to five, my baby is going to wear nothing but Jordans, a diaper, gold chains in a sports bra. She’ll be gay by six.

Michael Che: I mean, you never know what would happen. You could have a gay son.

Punkie Johnson: I don’t think so. My family motto won’t be, “If I’m smashing holes, then everybody’s smashing hoes in this house.” There’s gonna be a hoes smashing house, Che. Merry Christmas, America.

Michael Che: Punkie Johnson, everbody.

Punkie Johnson: Ma! I’m pregnant!

 

Weekend Update Pot Sleep Study and Oreo Wine

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s picture of marijuana leaves at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds the regular use of marijuana may disrupt people’s sleep. “That’s adorable”, said cocaine.

[Picture changes to Sylvester Stallone]

It was reported that Sylvester Stallone will start a new TV series playing an Italian mob boss from Kansas City, in what is a absolute nightmare scenario for the closed captioning guy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Man stares at sun for an hour” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in India has set a new record by staring directly at the Sun for an hour without blinking. The record is for best drugs.

[Picture changes to Galane Maxwell and a woman.]

A woman testifying in the sex trafficking trial of Galane Maxwell said that Maxwell told her that Jeffrey Epstein needed to have sex about three times a day and if not, he’d killed himself.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s picture of NBC logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s good. But do you get it? NBC said that it would not air the qualifying trials for the Olympic curling team because of an ad on the ice for a Dutch sex toy. Oh, so that’s what that thing is.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caduceus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that female doctors over the course of their careers make $2 million less than men. That’s just not right. Female doctors?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that if cats were humans, their behavior would classify them as psychopaths. While if dogs were human, they would get “me too’d” on day one.

[Picture changes to a wine and an Oreo]
Barefoot Wine has teamed up with Oreos to create a line of bread wine with hints of chocolate, while I have teamed up with alcoholism to give it a try.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of London street at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report lists the city with the worst traffic in the world as London, England. Here’s an idea. Maybe stop driving on the wrong side of the road? I’m just saying.

[Picture changes to KFC logo]

Kentucky Fried Chicken is testing a new dipping sauce called sweet hot capital city mumbo sauce. Coincidentally, sweet hot capital city Mambo sauce is also what Jost calls rap music once.

Colin Jost: No! Once!

Weekend Update Jussie Smollett Found Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jussie Smollett at left top corner.]

On Thursday, Chicago jury declared Jussie Smollett really bad at acting. Smollett was found guilty of charges related to staging a hate crime. It’s the worst stage hate crime since my all Christian production of Fiddler on the Roof.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

And in legal news, where someone definitely won’t get convicted, Donald Trump will be subpoenaed by New York Attorney General Letitia James. James wants to depose Trump under oath on January 7. come on, give the guy a break. I mean, that’s the day after his big anniversary. [picture changes to Capitol riot]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kamala Harris at right top corner.]

According to a new report, a former staff member for vice president Kamala Harris says that she often fails to read briefing material and is unprepared for meetings. Well, you know, it feels really amazing to finally see someone in the White House was just like me.

[Picture changes to Ainsley Earhardt]

After the tree outside of Fox News headquarters was set on fire by a homeless man, Fox and Friends host Ainsley Earhardt said “This Scrooge is not going to get away with it.” And nothing has ever explained Fox News better than a rich white lady calling a homeless man scrooge.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Olympic logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: China responded after President Biden announced a diplomatic boycott of the Beijing Olympics by saying the US will pay for its wrongdoing. You wait and see. But America isn’t scared by your threats. And even though NBC is broadcasting the Olympics, they aren’t afraid to let me speak my mind about what the Chinese government is up to. So, you liste–

[Cut to “Technical Difficulties” interference cilp]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump advisor Roger Stone, who draws his glasses on with a sharpie, refused to cooperate with the committee investigating the January 6 attacks. Those stones said he would be open to sitting in the corner watching the committee take turns on his wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Russia and Ukraine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Russia has deployed 90,000 troops to its border with Ukraine leading many to believe that Vladimir Putin intends to invade the country. And no offense to Ukraine, but why? Is Russia running low on tracksuits and counterfeit cologne? At the same time it’s tough for America to criticize countries who take land from their neighbors. I mean, it’s not exactly a secret where we got New Mexico.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an anime convention at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC believes the Omicron variant was first appearing in the US during a recent anime convention in New York. Damn! The one time they leave the house.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of vaccination card at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City will require all children over the age of five to show proof of vaccination before dining indoors or going to an entertainment venue. Because if there’s one thing a five year old can do, it’s keep track of a small piece of paper.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chris Cuomo and Andrew Cuomo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After CNN fire Chris Cuomo has revealed that the former anchor has been accused of sexual misconduct just like his older brother. “Well, those two are quite a pair,” said Cuomo to a female coworker.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Devin Nunez at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Devin Nunez seen here realizing a little came out on that one, announced that he is leaving congress to become CEO of Trump’s new social media company, which again just based on this photo will be called “SQRT”.