Category: 2021

Weekend Update Andrew Dismukes Amazing Animals

Colin Jost

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: We here at Update sure do love animals. Dogs, cats, love those guys. Here to do his new animal segment and these amazing animals is their own Andrew Dismukes.

[Andrew Dismukes slides in. He has his face painted like a tiger.]

Andrew Dismukes: Hey! Yeah! Hey there, Colin. Rawr! I’m just goofing.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. No, I knew. Hey, Andrew, I really love the face paint.

Andrew Dismukes: Thanks.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s really cool. And I understand you also brought some animal friends with you today

Andrew Dismukes: Oh, that’s right, Colin. Animals can do some incredible stuff. And today, I brought my smartest friend Bongo, the octopus. [brings in an octopus in an aquarium]

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Andrew Dismukes: So, Bongo here is actually somewhat of a psychic. In fact, he’s correctly predicted the winner of the last three World Cups. And today he’ll be predicting the winner of Sunday’s game between the Packers and Bears.

Colin Jost: Wow. Very cool. So, how does it work?

Andrew Dismukes: Well, when I say go, Bongo will use his sharpie to check off which team he predicts is going to win.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well then, I guess let’s get started.

Andrew Dismukes: Alright. Are you ready Bongo? Begin. [the octopus is raising its tentacle] You know, Colin, octopus are highly intuitive. They can anticipate stressful situations and even experience complex emotions.

Colin Jost: Wow, that’s pretty cool, Andrew.

[bell rings]

Andrew Dismukes: Oh, time’s up. Okay, Bongo. What is your prediction?

[Bongo has written “You will die in 7 days” on the board]

Wait, what?

Colin Jost: Does that say you’re gonna die in seven days?

Andrew Dismukes: Bongo, what are you saying?

[Bongo has written “I’m sorry my friend. It is what I see.” on the board]

Colin Jost: I don’t think an octopus can just–

Andrew Dismukes: Shh! Shh! Shut up, Colin. Bongo. You see what man cannot. Therefore I will accept my destiny.

[Bongo has written “Farewell sweet prince” on the board]

Bongo the octopus everyone.

Colin Jost: Wow. That’s really–

Andrew Dismukes: Wasn’t that amazing, Collin?

Colin Jost: Andrew, are you okay?

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah. I just thought he was gonna pick the Packers but I guess instead I’m gonna die.

Colin Jost: Do you want to stop the segment?

Andrew Dismukes: Nah, nah, nah, I’m good. We all gotta die sometime, right? My next furry friend is one talking is pooch. It’s Taco the talking dog. [He pulls in a dog] Here he comes. Okay, taco. Let’s get Taco.

Colin Jost: There’s Taco.

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah, Taco here communicates by pushing on these buttons. He can even solve some pretty complicated–

Colin Jost: [as the dog is not getting his head above the table level]Pretty shy.

Andrew Dismukes: Yea, pretty shy. He can even solve some basic math problems.

Colin Jost: Oh, basic. Oh good, I love basics.

Andrew Dismukes: Taco, tell the people what’s four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Are you going to die?

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah, bud. I think so. But you don’t gotta worry about that. Just tell me what’s four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Are you scared?

Andrew Dismukes: Of course I’m scared. But Bongo says it’s gonna happen, so it’s pretty much a done deal. Taco, what’s four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: I love you.

Andrew Dismukes: [sobbing] I love you too, Taco. For old times sake, tell me w four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Three.

Andrew Dismukes: No, that’s not it, Taco.

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Three.

Andrew Dismukes: No. No, Taco. It’s not three, bud.

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Just messing. It’s eight.

Andrew Dismukes: You son of a bitch. You got me again.

Colin Jost: Andrew’s amazing animals, everyone.

Andrew Dismukes: I’m gonna die.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Santa Song

Leslie D… Billie Eilish

Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kenan Thompson

[starts with Leslie D, Kate and Ego at the stage. Leslie D is the lead singer]

Leslie D: Hey girls, I have a Christmas question for you: Has this ever happened to you?

Kate: It sure has Leslie D.

Leslie D: Wait, I haven’t asked you yet.

Ego: Asked us what Leslie D?

Leslie D: Just let me ask it and then you’ll know!

Kate: Okay don’t get mad…

Leslie D: Girls, I’m asking if you’ve ever dreamed of meeting someone your whole entire life, and then when you finally got the chance it didn’t go quite as planned?

Ego: Oh, we know just what you’re talking about.

Kate: But sing about it anyway just in case we don’t.

Leslie D: Okay…
[singing]
It was a winter’s night, a quarter to three
I was dozin’ by my Christmas tree
When he appeared with a full white beard
The very guy that I revered
I’m talking Santa! (Santa)
I was in the same room as him

Ego: You met the Santa? Like, from the bible?

Kate: Where you nervous Leslie D?

Leslie D: Was I ever!

[singing]
But I said to myself, “Don’t be a fool
Be smooth as ice and play it cool.”
So here is what I said…

“Hey sexy mama nice teeth!”

Yeah, I made it weird with Santa
(Santa)

Kate: Now why’d you go ahead and call him mama Leslie D?

Leslie D: I don’t know, I was nervous! He’s famous! And I thought if I winked he’d know I was kidding…um

[singing]
Does Santa hate me?
It’s anyone’s guess
He said my name
And I said “yes”
He asked if I’d been naughty or nice
and I said: Why’s asking, virgin?
Yeah I made it weird with Santa!

Kate: What does that even mean Leslie D?

Leslie D: I don’t know, it just came out of my mouth! Haha…

Ego: Well, what did Santa do?

Leslie D: He gave an odd smile and said, “Okay sure”
Then he sorta started heading towards the door…

Ego: Not the chimney?

Leslie D: No I think he just wanted to get out of there. 

So I said, “Okay Santa, you do you!”
And then I made finger guns and I went “zoop zoop”

Leslie D: Yikes, what is wrong with you?

Ego: Don’t feel bad, it happens to us all

Kate: We met him once at a Christmas ball

Kate and Ego: How could we converse with him? We should’ve rehearsed
Cause then he asked us if we were good and here’s what we said…

Ego: You tell me, you’re in charge Daddy…

Leslie D: Woah!

Ego: I thought I was flirting, I don’t know, but then I remembered, maybe he has a wife?

Kate: So then, I said, “Hey Santa, so you and Mrs. Clause never had children. Was that a conscious decision or was there like a health issue there? Or are the elves your children and you keep trying to make a tall one?”

Leslie D: Oh no. Then what happened?

Kate: He asked me what my name was and I said Beth. And he said, “Get away from me Beth.”
I don’t think I’m on good terms with Santa
Santa

Ego: But it gets worse, ’cause then I said, “Sorry Santa, we’ll leave you alone. But just so you know, you’re zipper is down.” And he said, “No, no, that’s just the fuzzy seame on my Santa suit. And I said, “No look!” And then I touched him down there.

Kate: Why?!

Ego: I don’t know! Because my brain doesn’t work!

Kate and Ego: We really blew it with Santa

Santa

Leslie D: He thinks I’m a dodo
He thinks I’m a doof
My, oh my, what’s that sound on the roof?

[Santa walks in with a mic]

Santa: Ho ho ho!

All: Santa!

Santa: Prancer said that I should give you one more chance. After all, it is Christmas.

Kate: It’s not our fault Santa

Ego: We’re not good in crowds

Leslie D: We never know what we’ll say out loud

Santa: All is forgiven, in fact I bring gifts
As a thank you for this jazzy Christmas Riff!

Ego: Wow!

Santa: What do you say?

Kate: My wife.

Santa: Try again.

Leslie D: Thank you Santa. We’re weird, but we love you!

Santa: Hey, Santa’s a little weird too, hehe.

All: Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas!

Please Dont Destroy Future Selves

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, Martin Herlihy chilling in their office]

John: Dude, do you ever want to just go home, have a couple of drinks and just drive?

Ben: Cruise, right?

Martin: John, that’s drunk driving.

John: Oh, right. Right.

[suddenly everything starts shaking. A portal appears and three old men walk in through the portal.]

Martin: Who the hell are you?

Old Martin: We’re you, from the future.

Old John: We’ve come back in time to deliver you a great warning.

Old Martin: In the future climate change has turned the planet into an uninhabitable–

Martin: First of all, hello. Can we talk about this first? Because this is crazy.

John: How are our lives going?

Ben: Are we rich? I had to ask. Are we rich?

Old Ben: No. Actually, in a lot of debt.

Ben: Oh, debt? Oh.

Martin: But family life’s good? We’re all married.

Old Martin: No! No woman can hold me down. Huh?

Martin: Oh, that’s pretty cool.

Old Martin: I’ve been through a really bad divorce. But if we can act now we can avoid total human extinction—

Martin: I don’t care.

Old Martin: What?

Martin: If you’re what I’m working towards, I’d honestly rather just die now. I mean, this is what happens to me? I get divorced so hard, I start dressing like Jared Leto.

Ben: You have way too many accessories for a man over 70.

John: And then you look at this guy. [at old Ben] It’s just like, oh!

Ben:  mean, who do you think you’re fooling with that wig?

Old Ben: What wig?

Ben: What wig? Did you only age from the forehead down.

Old John: Show some respect over here, hah!

John: Stop. What the hell happened? Why are you way more Italian than I am?

Old John: Oh, ay!

John: Oh, ay! Why are you talking like that?

Old John: Talking like that?

John: This is a tragedy, dude. I turned into Paulie Walnuts.

Old Martin: Guys, we really need to get back to climate change.

Ben: Yeah, no. We’re so past that. Did you ever sail across the world?

Old Ben: Almost. But then my house burned down? On my birthday.

Ben: Why are you the saddest man I’ve ever seen in my life?

Old Ben: Stop playing into us. You’re the ones who made us this way.

Ben: Oh really? I made you put that wig on man. Dude. You just look like the ghost of Ed Sheeran

Old Ben: Suck it, weirdo.

Ben: The wig’s coming off

[Ben starts to pull old Ben’s hair]

Old John: Get your hands off him before I call my guys on you.

John: Your guys? He is from the mafia?

Martin: Fine! Let the planet burn. We’re out of here.

Martin: Get out of here.

John: Oh, one last thing before we go. [looking at the camera] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ben: What is that, man?

John: Just go.

Kyles Holiday

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Punkie Johnson

Billie Eilish

Mikey Day

[Starts with Punkie and Aidy chatting at their office]

Aidy: I know it’s like what do I get my dad for Christmas?

Punkie: Buying presents is the worst.

Aidy: Yes, so stressful.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Totally. And what’s up with Santas clothes? Like you might want to update that wardrobe. Right?

Aidy: Yeah. Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Question for you. What are you all doing for Christmas? Should we do something together? That’d be kinda weird and cool.

Aidy: Oh, I mean, I’m going home.

Punkie: Yeah, this is family for me.

Kyle: Ah! Dope. Well, if things change, I’m just chilling over the break. So hit me up.

Aidy: Okay.

Kyle: God bless us. Everyone. Tiny Tom, or it’s not Tiny Tom– Thompson.

Aidy: No.

[Kyle walks away and looks back at Aidy and Punkie talking to each other. He feels lonely]

[Cut to Bowen getting ready. Kyle walks to him]

Kyle: Bowen, my dastardly companion.

Bowen: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: What you do for Xmas?

Bowen: Oh, my parents are flying in.

Kyle: Well, if the plane crashes or anything, I’ll just be in the city.So, hit me up.

Bowen: Jesus!

Kyle: Remember, don’t be naughty. Oh, oh!

[Kyle turns around and makes a sad face. He feels lonely]

[Cut to Jacob writing his page. Kyle walks to him.]

Kyle: Jacob, coolest page ever. Hey, you get to spend Christmas with me. I know. I’m sort of an SNL vet. But I’m surprisingly down to hang with people like you.

Jacob: Oh, I actually can’t. I’m going upstate.

Kyle: But I’m on the cast.

[Kyle turns around and starts crying. He feels lonely]

Jacob: Are you crying?

Kyle: No, no, no. [sobbing] I was just thinking how cool it is that Santa does it all in one night? Guy is a monster.

[Kyle walks away]

[singing]

Just another Christmas

[Billy Eilish joins]

Kyle and Billy: Alone

Billy: Wow. Kyle, you’re a great singer.

Kyle: I know. They don’t know how to use me on the show. And no one’s spending Christmas with. Even the Please Don’t Destroy guys said I shouldn’t be alive.

Billy: Oh! Sorry, man. But Christmas isn’t just about where you are on December 25. It’s about the love that surrounds you every day. I bet there’s a lot of Christmas Joy here at 30 Rock.

Kyle: Yeah. I guess you’re right.

Billy: So go ahead. Who brings Christmas joy into your life?

Kyle: Well, there’s Kenan Thompson. He still calls me Beck Bennett. I can tell that his heart is definitely in the right place. And no one’s better than Heidi and Ego. They’re so funny. They’ve got this really great bit going when they just don’t follow me on Instagram. Can’t forget Pete. You know it’s tough being the handsome guys on show. The tablets just won’t leave us alone. I guess everyone here brings me joy. Except maybe Mikey Day. I really don’t like him. I think he’s fake? I have a fantasy where I catch them on a ride at night alone. Sort of tie him up. I’m wearing a mask but I let them get a peek at who’s in charge.

[Cut to Kyle picturing him tying up Mikey]

Mikey: Kyle?

Kyle: You guessed it.

[Cut back to Kyle and Billie]

Kyle:  I throw him in the closet, kick them around a little bit. Pour some gasoline on him just to mess with him. And I go on his computer change all the Mikey’s in his scripts to Kyle’s and then look at me, I’m the star of the show. So yeah, to answer your question, it’s very joyful to be here at 30 Rock.

Billy: Holy fuck!

Kyle: Thanks for the help, Billy. And Merry Christmas.

[Kyle walks away. Mikey is walking by]

Oh, what’s up, Mikey? Whoa, cool shoes man.

Mikey: Thanks. Hey Billy, how’s it going?

Billy: Run. Quit the show. You’re not safe.

[Kyle is peeking at Mikey from the corner]

Male voice: Merry Christmas from Max Schat, Don Jr, flustered customer and all your favorite Kyle Mooney characters.

Hotel Ad

Doreen… Aidy Bryant

Kathlyn… Billie Eilish

Kathreen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with pictures of people in Hotel service]

Kathreen: Services. Amenity. Elevator. Curtains with sticks. You’ll find all this and more at..

Kathreen and Kathlyn: Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

[Cut to Kathreen and Kathlyn in the hotel]

Kathlyn: Hello, I’m Kathlyn, the front desk girl.

Kathreen: And I’m Kathreen, the same person as her. Other hotels provide relaxation, luxury and romance.

Kathlyn: Our rooms provide every comfort required by law.

Kathreen: Tiny soap in plastic.

Kathlyn: Phone that blinks.

Kathreen: Band Aid colored blanket.

Kathlyn: Chair for suitcase.

Kathreen: Black and white photo of First Wheel.

Kathlyn: Blow dryer that goes ooooooh.

Kathreen: Short glass wearing little hat.

Kathlyn: And small stain in place you have to touch.

Kathreen: And be sure to enjoy your hot tub.

Kathlyn: It’s always occupied by an eight year old boy in goggles staring at your breasts. He’s been in there for hours and he’s not getting out until you do.

Kathreen: Want to see the local sites? ask her conceirge, Doreen.

Kathlyn: But be warned she’s having a hard month every month.

Doreen: Looking for adventure? See the cave. Every town has a cave. I’d love to go but I can’t afford to and I apologize for crying when you stopped by earlier. I didn’t sleep well last night. My dogs have taken over the bed. And the feral cat I rescued, it bit me pretty hard. So please, for me, see the cave.

Kathlyn: Wisit us and see why TripAdvisor called us “A stock photo you can sleep in”.

Kathreen: And why the news called us the place that man did those things.

Kathlyn: We put the hospital in hospitality.

Kathreen: Situated between the DMV and a darkened Sonic, it’s the location that will make your Uber driver say, “You’re sure?”

Kathlyn: And breakfast means morning here at Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

Kathreen: Fill up on all your continental breakfast favorites like…

Kathlyn: Wet egg.

Kathreen: Cereal in gumball machine.

Kathlyn: DIY waffle.

Kathreen: Sausage that squirts.

Kathlyn: And yogurt in a fridge that gets padlocked at 8:59AM.

Kathreen: No mercy. You can look but yeah can’t touch.

Kathlyn: You wanted yogurt? Wake up at four, bitch.

Kathreen: And whatever you need, day or night, just guess Trevor, our bellhop.valet/Night Manager/in house doctor.
Trevor:  will drop your bags. I will scratch your car. I will watch Joe Rogan videos on my phone, no headphones. If you’re a man, I will tell you where the strip clubs are. I will offer to get you cocaine and then I will flake. I am chaos.

Kathlyn: So, next time you travel please stay with us.

Kathreen: Our guests join us for all of life’s less sparkly moments.

Kathlyn: Business Conference.

Kathreen: Intervention.

Kathlyn: MagicL The Gathering Tournament.

Kathreen: Affair with old man.

Kathlyn: Meeting stranger who claims to have information.

Kathreen: Funeral for aunt who died driving the wrong way on the Taconic State Parkway.

Kathlyn: Cult deprogramming.

Kathreen: After prom hand stuff.

Kathreen and Kathlyn: And hiding from the police.

Kathreen: So join us at Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

Kathlyn: It’s like we always say.

Kathreen and Kathlyn: We may not be the Ritz Carlton.

Male voice: Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn. See the cave.

HipHop Nativity

Kitty… Heidi Gardner

Neely… Billy Eilish

Chris Redd

Joseph…Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Baby Jesus… Andrerw Dismukes

Mary… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a rehearsal of Hip-Hop Nativity]

Kitty: Hey, hi. Is all nativity cast present?

Cast: Yes, miss Kitty.

Kitty: Right. First and only pageant rehearsal, y’all. I need you to bring your A game.

Kitty: Okay, so here’s the deal, okay guys? Times are changing. We can’t do the normal, boring pageant thing this year.

Kitty: Too old school, too Boomer. Okay? This year, we’re switching it up.

Kitty: Okay. That’s right. And lucky for you guys, Neely and I took it upon ourselves to learn all of hip-hop.

Chris: I’m sorry, you learned all of hip hop?

Kitty: Correct. And it’s gonna be a freeform hip hop, live nativity.

Kitty: Okay, so let’s get started with rehearsal. We got a lot of hip hop to teach you, okay? Now where’s our Joseph?

Joseph: : Right here, Miss Kitty.

Kitty: Okay, Joseph. So, now you’re gonna enter with a pimp walk.

Joseph: A what?

Kitty: A pimp walk. Here, Neely and I will show you. Play the tracks, sweetie.

[music playing]

[Kitty and Kitty start doing the pimp walk]

Kitty: A pimp walk, a pimp walk. A pimp walk, a pimp walk. And you’re gonna work it down here. Yeah, it’s okay. Because hip hop is low in the body.

Kitty: Y’all are up here, but hip hop is down here. Hey, the streets are in the knees, okay?

Chris: Oh, are they now?

Kitty: Yeah, coz you know what? It’s walk, and it’s walk. And it’s, “I’m Joseph. I’m a baby daddy now. So, I pimp walk. I pimp walk.” There, go, do it.

Joseph: okay, so like… [starts doing pimp walk]

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Come on. Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk. Yeah. Pimp walk’s getting there. The pimp walk’s getting there. Okay. Baby, go to the corner freight so long, keep pimp walking.

Chris: Yeah. To just face the wall?

Kitty: Yeah.

Chris: Okay.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Where are my donkeys at?

Chris: By all means, teach me hip hop, please.

Kitty: Okay, so, you three are going to follow Joseph out. Okay, not up here, this is country music. Okay, down here, this is hip hop. And when you land I want booty booty.

Bowen: Don’t you mean ass?

Kitty: That is not funny. Watch me pop my butt, okay? Can everybody see my butt?

Kitty: Okay, can you see that? Can you see that pop? It’s a hip pop. It’s a trot, trot, hop. And you feel it in your hook. Okay? So, trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. And just straight donkey Christmas, hip-pop, pop, pop.

Chris: How is no one filming this?

Baby Jesus: Hey, sorry. Just throwing this out there but I’d be totally cool just doing what we practiced. You know, ditching the whole freeform Hip Hop thing.

Kitty: Oh, Baby Jesus, please. Please just focus on your twerking.

Baby Jesus: Excuse me? Twerking?

Kitty: Okay, come here. Donkeys, pop over there. Okay, baby. Are you in your diaper?

Baby Jesus: I mean, yeah.

Kitty: Drop robe. Let’s go.

[Baby Jesus opens his robe. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Kitty: Oh, Jesus, Mary and Juliana Margulies. Honey, do you not have a butt? We got to make him a butt quick.

[Kitty and Kitty bring some hays and put inside his diaper.]

Baby Jesus: Hold on. No, I don’t want to twerk. I don’t want to twerk. I’m playing a baby. Hey! Cut it out!

Kitty: We’ll make you a butt, baby.

Baby Jesus: No, I don’t need one.

Kitty: Listen, Baby Jesus can do anything now, wring it out. Go, twerk son.

[Baby Jesus starts twerking]

Kitty: Oh, wow. He can actually twerk.

Kitty: It’s a miracle. Now, where’s my Mary’s? Where’s Mary?

[Mary runs in]

Kitty: How comfortable are you on a stripper pole, sweetie?

Mary: Um. I’m not sure.

Kitty: Wrong answer.

Kitty: Alright, I’ll do it. Mary go grind on the wall. Alright, drops the beat. Get my Joseph in pimp walk.

Joseph: Best Christmas, ya’ll!

Kitty: Donkey, start popping. Oh, yes! And Baby J, shaking like a rattle.

Kitty: [dancing on the pole] Praise him. Praise Baby Jesus!

Kitty: Oh my goodness! I think we might have ourselves a Christmas show!

Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Christmas Cards

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Alex getting back home from work]

Melissa: Hey, sweetie, how was work?

Alex: Oh, baby. Incredible. Incredible. We had a great meeting about some exciting emerging markets with growth potential. You want to hear the deeds?

Melissa: No thanks. But look what I did. I put up all our Christmas cards on the fridge. What’s festive, right?

Alex: Yeah. Wow. We got a lot of cards this year. Man. We know a lot of people, huh?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a family with many kids]

Mikey: People like me, your super white, super Christian neighbor. Here on the beach with my wife and our army of blonde children. All in matching white shirts and jeans.

Chloe: And yes, this is the seventh Christmas card in a row I’ve been pregnant. I’m never not pregnant.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a white woman and a black man. The woman is pregnant.]

Heidi: Did someone use the word pregnant? I am too. I’m your cousin who’s made pregnancy my entire personality. I started planning this Christmas card as I was peeing on the pregnancy tests.

Chris: And I’m the husband whose name you will never learn. As you can see my eyes, I’m not that into this card concept but she is. I wasn’t given a choice.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture a man who has hunted a deer]

Pete: Speaking of cousins, I’m your cousin from Wisconsin. Merry Christmas for me and this animal I killed.

Alex: Man everybody looks so happy but I don’t recognize her though.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a black woman]

Donna: Happy holidays from Dr. Donna Woods of smile time dental partners. You are two years late for your six months cleaning.

Melissa: I’ll go and COVID’s over. Oh, did you see Pearson Leonard’s card?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a gay couple]

Pearson: Of course, you di. It’s stunning.

Kenan: Stunning.

Pearson: What else would you expect from the well off middle aged gay couple your wife is friends with? As usual, we’re dressed to the nines and holding our gross old little dog you cannot believe is still alive.

Alex: Oh my god, that rat dog of theirs is still alive? How?

Kenan: Simple, hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical procedures. That’s how. All of which the vet prefaced with? I mean, what are we gaining? Two, three months at the most?

Alex: Wait, is that your friend Ruth with Miley Cyrus? Are they friends?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a black woman with Miley Cyrus]

Ruth: No, we are not. For what better way to remind you that I met a celebrity at a restaurant 11 months ago than with my Christmas card?

Miley Cyrus: This woman came up to my table and said, “You’re Anna Montana”, and then said that she hated my music.

Ruth: I’m just being honest. It’s not for me.

Miley Cyrus: She asked for a photo and implied that if I didn’t take it, it was because I was racist.

Ruth: That’s true. And I use that a lot.

Miley Cyrus: So, I took the picture. So, I guess Merry Christmas from Miley and…

Ruth: You don’t know my name? You racist.

Melissa: Man Ruth is so cool. She’s friends with famous people. Oh, by the way, who’s Barbara Jacobs again?

Alex: That’s one of my mom’s friends.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a woman in her snorkeling suit]

Barbara: Happy holidays for me. Your mom’s single friend who’s looked 52 years old since you were a baby. You’re now the drill. Every year my Christmas card is a picture of me alone on a crazy ass vacation. Last year I was on top of a mountain. This year I’m snorkeling off the coast of a volcano. What’s my deal? Am I a lesbian or a wealthy widow? You don’t care enough to ask your mom so y’all never know.

Alex: Wait. Who’s that in the pajamas?

Melissa: That’s Harper. We went to high school together.

Alex: Oh, and you guys were friends?

Melissa: Yeah.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a woman and a man and a boy wearing same shirt]

Harper: No, we weren’t. I made her life a living hell. What’s new with me? Let’s see. Still a bitch. Still richer than her and still married to my handsome yet boring husband who cheats on me?

Husband: Ha-ha-ha. I do cheat on her a lot.

Harper: What else? Oh, my son is 15 now. He’s growing into a fine young INCEL.

Boy: It’s a girl’s faults that I’m not cool.

Harper: And if our matching pajamas don’t make you hate us, flip the card for a long braggy list of what our family did this year.

Husband: Spoiler alert. We moved into a huge house on the lake.

Boy: I don’t like the lake because you have to wear swim trunks and I’m at the part of puberty where I look like a newborn giraffe.

Harper: Even though you think I’m a tacky fake bitch, I know that my Christmas cards make you jealous. And I love that I still have that power over you. So, Happy Holidays, tampon girl. That’s what I called your wife in high school.

Alex: Wow, Harper seems real nice. Hey, thanks for doing this babe. You know, I love that we can just see all of our friends and family just by walking into the kitchen.

[phone notification ring]

Melissa: Oh, oh no. Leonard’s dog is going into surgery again.

Kenan: Tthoughts and prayers for our beloved Pablo. He needs a new spine.

Pearson: It’s gonna cost $150,000 But how can you say no to this thing?

Billie Eilish Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Eilish.

[Billie Eilish walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Billie Eilish: Oh my god. Thank you guys. Hi. How are you doing? I am so excited to be here. My name is Billie Eilish. Thank you. If you don’t know me from my music, you may know me from my hair or my clothes. That is why I decided to dress like Mrs. Claus going to the club. But actually, no, I am only wearing this because after the show, I got to go get married in an anime. Some people wonder why I started wearing baggy clothes. There was actually a good reason. So, it wasn’t just for comfort, or for style. This is hard to say for me. But the real reason I wore big oversized clothes back then is I was actually two kids stacked on top of each other trying to sneak into an R rated movie.

It is so, so great to be back here at SNL. I was the musical guest a couple years ago. But I would never ever think that I would ever host ever. In fact, I used to say that I hated acting. But the truth is when I was little, I loved it. My mom and dad were both actors. So, was my brother Finneas. And it was my dream to be in a movie. And I remember when that dream died. I was nine. And my mom wrote a film inspired by her life. Literally, this is true. She cast my brother Finneas as her son. She played the mom. And in the movie, she had no daughter. So yeah, I got the hint.

I’m kidding. My mom is my best friend. She’s here. I know that you don’t love Finneas more than me. I know that.

[Billie’s mom walks in. He’s Wearing Finneas’ mom t-shirt.]

Mom: I love you, honey.

[She walks out]

Billie Eilish: I love my mom. But that is true. It is so special to be hosting in December. Not only do I love Christmas, and oh my god, it’s so beautiful here in Christmas. Not only do I love Christmas, but my birthday is one week from today. I am turning 20 or as the internet calls that middle aged. But I am actually really excited to get older because I am just now starting to understand who I actually am as a person. And the scary thing about growing up in the public eye is people just decide that everything you say and do and look like is who you are forever. It’s not fair. Would you want to be judged by the way you presented yourself when you’re 16? No. Imagine being current day Colin Jost, and the first thing that comes up when you google yourself is 16 year old Colin Jost. [a picture of young Colin Jost appears on the screen] Yikes. Seen here watching other people go to prom.

But the point is, it takes time and effort to accept who you really are. You’ll be so happy that you did. I spent a lot of years pretending to be somebody that I’m not. Basically acting. And somebody wise once told me, “Billie, you should never ever act.” That person was my mom.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. I am here so stick around and we’ll be right back.

Angelo Christmas

Chris Redd

Cecily Strong

Doug… Mikey Day

Angelo… Aristotle Athari

Deb… Billie Eilish

[Starts with Chris singing on the stage]

Chris: Hark, the herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn king

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cecily: Wow! That was beautiful.

Doug: [flirting] Almost as beautiful as you.

Cecily: Oh, shut your ugly, stupid mouth.

Chris: Now, folks, we do have a surprise guest tonight. Well, ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cecily: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It’s Angelo

Doug: Wait. Who’s Angelo? I’ve never heard of him

Cecily: He just takes a word from the audience, and then songs just flow out of him.

Doug: Oh, okay, cool.

Angelo: Hello, everybody. Merry Christmas for this. Can I get one word?

Cecily: Oh, you go, Doug.

Doug: Uh, sweet. Okay, maybe something Christmasy. Eggnog.

Angelo: Say for me?

Doug: Eggnog!

Angelo: S-Say for me?

Doug: [shouting] Eggnog!

Angelo: Eggfalbalfalcalvaras.

[singing gibberish]

If I ever sing like that for me like this like that
If I ever sing like this for me like this tonight

Thank you for this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cecily: My God! What a daring, brave artist.

Doug: Daring?I didn’t really understand what he was–

Cecily: Shut up, Doug! He’s starting.

Doug: Okay.

Angelo: Can I get another word, please?

Cecily: Doug, come on, do it.

Doug: I don’t know.I don’t think I get what he’s doing. Can he do other songs, like “Jingle Bells?”

Angelo: Say — say for me?

Doug: I said, “Jingle Bells.”

Angelo: Jingfarballafalbalas

Doug: Okay, so he heard “Jingle Bells.”

Angelo: If I ever sing like that for me like that for me
If I ever sing like that for me tonight

Thank you for this.

[Cheers and applause]

Cecily: His gift to the world is his music.

Doug: His gift is saying, “Tonight.”

Angelo: Now I bring sing for this.

[Deb walks in.]

[Cheers and applause]

Cecily: Whoa! Okay, this is huge. It’s Reykjavik’s very own, the toast of Iceland, Deb.

Doug: Deb? What is this?!

Cecily: It’s called culture, Doug! Read a book.

Deb: First thing, I need one word.

Angelo: Yes, one word.

[Cecily is looking at Doug for the word]

Doug: Oh, my God. Fine. Mistletoe!

Deb: Say it — Say it for us.

Doug: I am! Mistletoe!

Angelo: Mislefarvos.

Deb: Mislefarmis.

Check, one, two
A little louder, Gary.

Thank you.

Doug: That was it?

Cecily: Angelo and Deb. I feel like I could actually cry.

Doug: I think she just sound-checked her mic and —

Cecily: Doug, Doug, do you have gunk in your ears?

Doug: No.

Cecily: “Check, check.” She’s checking on you and on all of us during a pandemic, Doug.

Doug: What? And who is Gary?Is that their tech guy?

Cecily: Gary is all of us, moron!

Doug: What?!

Angelo: Another word.

Deb: One suggest, please.

Angelo: Another one word.

[Cecily is looking at Doug for the word]

Doug: Stop looking at me like that! They’re just going to mess it up anyway. Frugal boogle.

Angelo and Deb: Frankincense.

Doug: Okay, at least that’s a word.

Angelo: I know that
if ever say
Light is for this
I never have

Deb: Check, check, mic check

Angelo and Deb: Little little little louder Gary
Little little little louder Gary
Tonight.

Deb: Thank you for this.

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Doug: Oh, my God!I was wrong! Angelo and Deb are incredible! God bless us, everyone! Ha ha!