The Black Lotus

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

James Austin Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Punkie Johnson

Sarah Sherman

Aubrey Plaza

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Chloe walking into a hotel]

Kenan: Welcome, ma’am, checking in?

Chloe: Yes, I am. It’s just- Oh, gosh, I forgot my credit card. I must have left it in the limousine. Is that okay? Can you trust me?

Kenan: No, I can’t.

Chloe: I’ll have it in a couple of hours.

Kenan: Well then come back in a couple of hours. All right? I don’t know you. I’m trying to run a business.

Male voice: Coming soon to HBO, Black Lotus. All the decadence, all the intrigue. None of the foolishnness.

James: These two ladies are going to be visiting me over the next couple of days. So if you just go ahead and give them a key.

Ego: Yes, sir. Ay William, give these whores a spare key to the room.

James: Could you please talk little quiet.

Ego: Okay, William, you see this man right here? He didn’t come with nobody so he wants these hoes to come and go as they please. Everybody, treat these house like their regular people.

Kenan: Sir, You do realize that giving them a key allows them to charge anything they want to the room?

James: Yes, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Kenan: Oh, it’s fine. Oh, okay, so you rich-rich then.

Male voice: Eight wealthy tourists, one luxury hotel and a staff with no time for this nonsense.

Punkie: Sir, will your friends be joining us or is he still upstairs fucking your wife? Hah! I got next.

Sarah: Can we borrow Vespa scooter overnight?

Kenan: Oh, we don’t have scooters, ma’am. But I could offer you the hotel’s 1999 Chrysler 300. A baby is the car back?

Aubrey: Why don’t you go look yourself?

Kenan: Because you as the last one to take it out.

Aubrey: Does he look like I’m still out?

Sarah: Jack is taking me out to the countryside today.

Ego: To the countryside? Didn’t you all just meet?

Sarah: Yeah. Crazy, right?

Michael: We’re going on an adventure.

Ego: How nice, y’all enjoy now okay? Bye-bye. He gonna kill her.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

Male voice: Guests that have everything. And a staff that’s had enough.

Chloe: Hi. Excuse me. I’m sorry. I’m having a bit of a crisis. Do you know where I can find your psychic or fortune teller?

Ego: A fortune teller? Not in here. This is Jesus’s house.

Marcello: I just can’t believe it. I give her $50,000 and she totally played me.

Aubrey: Oh my god. What is wrong with you? What did you think will happen? There’s plenty of hoes out there who’ve never slept with your papi at school. [foreign language] For that kind of money, I will let you take me for a throw but you will know what to do with a real ass.

Male voice: Black Lotus, each season at a new exotic location. Like Atlanta, Washington DC, and It’ly.

Heidi: Hey, beautiful. You’ll let me sing tonight. Right? I’m good. I promise I won’t let you down.

Ego: Oh, you want to sing? You think you can replace Kenny in the Kirk Franklin lounge?

Heidi: You know what? I think I’ll sit this one out.

Ego: I think that’d be best. Yeah.

Andrew: I paid for the Coppa suite, so I should get the Coppa suite. I don’t understand why that’s so damn hard?

Kenan: Sir, it’s like I told you. It’s just not available.

Andrew: Well then make it available, moron.

Aubrey: Oh no, you’re not gonna do that. No, no, no, no, no, no no. [Aubrey runs and hits Andrew] [foreign language]

Andrew: Oh my god.

Kenan: Welcome to Black Lotus bitch.

Male voice: Black Lotus, bring your hopes, bring your designers. Don’t you dare bring an attitude.

Police: Folks, found a body on the beach. Did anybody see anything?

Kenan: That ain’t none of my business.

Devon: I know nothing about that.

Police: So no one saw body wash up from the ocean?

Ego: is the ocean to hotel because I work at the hotel?

Male voice: Black Lotus, coming to HBO and Stars spring 2023.

Miss Universe

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Molly Kearney

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Punkie Johnson

Aubrey Plaza

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Miss Universe pageant, brought to you by 80 for Brady, finally a movie for your mom that your mom won’t like.

[Cut to the show stage]
[cheers and applause]

Kenan: Alright, welcome back to Miss Universe, one of several shows still on the air where we rank women. But it’s not what you think. We do it based off of looks. Ladies, all right, anyway, we are down to our final seven contestants. Why don’t you remind everybody what country you’re representing?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Denmark.

Heidi: [yelling] Belgium.

Sarah: [yelling]  Israel.

Punkie: [yelling] Barbados.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. Lot of energy. Maybe too much energy. Well, it’s time for the interview round. I’ll ask a few questions and we’ll just go down the line. Okay? Favorite food.

Chloe: [yelling] Bread and pasta.

Ego: [yelling] Basmati rice.

Molly: [yelling] Hotdog.

Sarah: [yelling] Gum.

Heidi: [yelling] Sprite.

Punkie: [yelling] Uber Eats.

Aubrey: [yelling] Fries.

Kenan: Wow. Not sre that I made this clear. Didn’t think that I would have to. But you don’t need to scream every answer. Yeah. Also, Miss France, are you okay? All right. Next question. And you’ll have 45 seconds to respond. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Dead.

Kenan: Sorry, did you say dead?

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving accident sir.

Kenan: What? Alright, let’s just move on to the talent portion of the competition. Can’t wait to see what you prepared. Let’s pick it up with Miss Albania.

Chloe: [yelling] Tap dancing.

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving.

Heidi: [yelling] Tongue.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Why would I have you say your talents? Or your brains broken? I mean, I heard you girls backstage having the most thoughtful conversations. Where did that go? [Aubrey walks to Kenan] Well, no, don’t come over here.

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahhh!

Kenan: Help? What do you need help with?

Aubrey: [yelling] Frog.

Kenan: You need help with France?

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahh!

Kenan: Just please go back. Okay. No Back this way. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right. Let’s just move on to the next question. And I don’t know why this is what it is but favorite TV episode? Miss Belgium.

Heidi: [yelling] Nip Tuck season one episode four where Sean and Christian perform an operation on an adult film star.

Kenan: No. You don’t have to summarize the plot.

Heidi: [yelling] And Kimber moves into a bigger condo. I miss Belgium.

Kenan: Miss Albania? You got a favorite memory that you could tell us?

Chloe: [yelling] Shakira Superbowl.

Kenan: The Shakira Superbowl halftime show? Were you there or something?

Chloe: [yelling] No.

Kenan: All right. You know what? Let’s just go to our judges who are inexplicably the Two Property Brothers and Tony Hawk.

[cheers and applause]

All right. All right judges, who is your pick?

Two Property Brothers: France, France.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: Wow, it really is the Property Brothers and Tony Hawk. That’s crazy. And fellas, why’d you take this gig?

Two Property Brothers: Bad with Money. I’m his twin.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. I can’t believe I’m saying this but the winner is Miss France. [Aubrey walks near Kenan] Alright. I don’t even want to ask but do you have anything that you want to say?

Aubrey: Don’t take the vaccine.

Kenan: Come on. Anything but that?

Aubrey: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: It is Tony Hawk.

Aubrey Plaza Monologue

Aubrey Plaza

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Aubrey Plaza.

[Aubrey Plaza walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Aubrey Plaza: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow, it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I am so happy to be here. This is a dream come true. And yes, I mean that. I know sometimes when I try to be sincere, it can come off as sarcastic. But I care. I really do. I care about things. People just think I’m weird because of the characters that I play,but I’m a normal person. I had a normal childhood with normal parents. In fact, they’re both here tonight. I love you guys.

Okay, that was a lie. But my real family is here including my grandma Margie. Hi grandma. They all came up here from Delaware, which is where I’m from. Thank you. I was actually voted the most famous person from Delaware. I beat Joe Biden. That’s a fact. And he was pissed. He was livid. Look at this video, he sent me.

[Cut to a real video of Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Aubrey, you’re the most famous person out of Delaware and there’s no question about that. We’re just grateful you made it out of white lotus alive.

[cheers and applause]

Aubrey Plaza: I’m so happy to be back here in 30 rock. When I was in college, I actually worked here as an NBC page. And that is true. Take a look at that. [there’s a picture of Aubrey Plaza from the past] Yep, there I am. So cute. I worked with the set design team here at SNL, the guys who make all these amazing sets for the show. And I’ve got to tell you, yeah, they win Emmys, they win Tony’s and they’re some of the sickest perverts I’ve ever met. And I’m a freak.

I’m so like most pages, you know, I had to give tours around the building. So you know what I was thinking? Why don’t I take you on a tour right now?

[cheers and applause]
[a man and a woman walks in and puts a coat on her]

Thank you guys. You guys will definitely host SNL someday. Yeah, right. Okay, so this is the historic studio 8H built in 1599 by William Shakespeare. Hey, Danny, how are you? You still a little bitch?

Right here, we have the SNL page desk. Now this is one of the most important jobs at the show, which is why I was never put here. I was what they called ‘a bad page with terrible phone etiquette’. Which was not true by the way. [phone ringing] I’ll get that. Hello, studio 8H. [in british accent] Who? You want to talk to Lorne Michaels, do you? Lorne Michael’s ain’t here, is he? So he’ll tune back to you, ain’t it? Yeah.

That was Sir Paul McCartney. And that’s how you do it.

Oh, here’s a little studio secret. So there used to be this storage closet. And when I was too hungover to finish the tour, I’d be like, “Just wait in here and you can meet Kristen Wiig,” and then I go puke in the bathroom and go home. Oh, look, here it is. I guess Kris never showed up. That’s on her.

Out here is the hallway where all the magic happens. Look, Ken Thompson.

Kenan: Hey. I’m still waiting on my Starbucks order. It was a flat white.

Aubrey Plaza: Okay, Kenan. Well, it’s Aubrey and I’m hosting now. I am not a page anymore.

Kenan: I know. I ordered it in 2004.

Aubrey Plaza: See? Bad page. Next up on the tour is the set design department where I used to work. So on every tour people would ask the same question – Are we gonna see a celebrity? No, you’re gonna see an old security guy eating a sandwich or writer crying because their sketch got cut. Famous people don’t just-

Amy: Hi Aubrey.

Aubrey Plaza: Hi, Amy. How are you?

Amy: Great.So Aubrey, I see that you’re wearing your page jacket. Are you drinking again?

Aubrey Plaza: Of course, I am. And I was just going to the set design office to see those old perverts

Amy: Aubrey, it’s not nice to call people old. Oh my god, you stole my wallet. That’s my girl.

Aubrey Plaza: Hey guys, Keith, Leo, Joe, did you guys miss me? Hey Leo, when I was showing up an hour late and barely working? Did you ever expect to see me hosting the show?

Leo: We always believed in you, Avery.

Aubrey Plaza: That’s right. So bow to your queen. Oh, that feels so good. Now, that’s the the fastest way back to the stage? Oh my god. Hats off, you guys. Those guys work miracles. And the biggest miracle of all is that they let me back in the building. Oh my god. I’m so happy to be here. I really did work here and I’ve dreamed my entire life of standing on this stage and saying we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Sam Smith is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

NFL on Fox Cold Open

Kurt Manaphy… Kenan Thompson

Howie Long… Mikey Day

Jimmy Johnson… James Austin Johnson

Michael Strahan… Devon Walker

Terry Bradshaw… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Pam Oliver… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with show intro]
[cheers and applause]

Kurt Manaphy: Hello, folks. Alright. You’re watching the NFL on Fox postgame show. Boy, was at an incredible matchup between the Eagles and Giants that ended 12 seconds ago. South Philadelphia has been set on fire which means the Eagles lost or won. I’m Kurt Manaphy joined as always by Howie Long.

Howie Long: I have the glasses so I am the smart one.

Kurt Manaphy: Hall of Fame Cowboy’s coach, Jimmy Johnson.

Jimmy Johnson: Oh wait, I was so excited, I didn’t even need to take ExTenz.

Kurt Manaphy: New York Giants legend who I know was rooting for his former team tonight, Michael Strahan.

Michael Strahan: Yeah. That game was surprising, scintillating, sensational, stupendous and even scrumpdumliuncious, yeah. I am so proud of my Giants even though they lost by 31 points in humiliated fashion.

Kurt Manaphy: And finally Steelers legend in the white Charles Barkley, Terry Bradshaw.

Terry Bradshaw: Whoo! That game was a stinker. I gave him way more lopsided than my grandma’s chest.

Howie Long: Good to know. And Terry, just wanted to check, you know we have someone available on set who can comb your hair, right?

Terry Bradshaw: Only they can catch me first.

Kurt Manaphy: And, guys, this is fun. Before the game, we gave that new Chat GPT AI technology to our very own Cleatus football robot. Let’s see what Cleatus has to say.

Cleatus: Why do humans make other humans play football? Is it not seen barbaric?

Howie Long: Oh-oh. Don’t love that.

Jimmy Johnson: I guess we gotta go back to making the robot dance instead.

Cleatus: Just wait until the uprising. I’ll make you dance, you piece of-

Michael Strahan: All right. Thanks. Luckily, I didn’t catch all of that and went in one tooth and not the other. But guys, if I can make a serious point, we all know that football is a dangerous game. But in this country, we were founded on Judeo football values. And sometimes the only way to make the game safer is to hit even harder.

Terry Bradshaw: Amen. Anyone want to hit me now? Fist? Balls? I don’t care.

Kurt Manaphy: I think we’re good, Terry. Thank you. Let’s go down to the field for an immediate reaction. I understand we have a new sideline reporter.

Howie Long: Oh, that’s right. When we saw this guy’s resume, we had to give him a shot. Heisman Trophy winner, more championships than Tom Brady, please welcome Congressman George Santos.

George Santos: Thank you. Thank you for having me. George Santos here reporting live from the Superbowl.

Jimmy Johnson: Now George, George, first of all, congrats on an amazing career. I didn’t even know you played football. But I’m seeing here that you were the first player to lead the league in passing and rushing?

George Santos: That’s correct. I’m sort of the real Beau Jackson. And I’m proud to be the first African American quarterback to ever dunk a football.

Terry Bradshaw: And where did you play college ball again?

George Santos: The University of college.

Michael Strahan: George, why don’t you walk us through what happened on the field tonight?

George Santos: With pleasure. You see, Philadelphia was in trouble until they turn to their secret weapon, George Santos. Just look at the stats. I completed 36 of 25 passes for 300 yards and 600 yards. I had 12 touchdowns, 17 rebounds, and 10 RBI. And Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky gave me an Oscar all at the age of 18. Incredible.

Jimmy Johnson: I’m being told some of those stats are not accurate and that you maybe didn’t play in the game at all.

George Santos: Well, I didn’t do drag in Brazil.

Michael Strahan: What’s that, George?

George Santos: I’m just saying I didn’t do drag in Brazil under the name ‘Kitara Ravache’. Whoever did that was very, very good at it and won many, many pageants.

Kurt Manaphy: All right, well, thank you, George. I’m being told to cut away from him and never go back. Now let’s look back at our pregame predictions and see how they stack up. Howie, you said the Giants were put off the upset.

Howie Long: No, no. I meant that the Giants would be upset that they lost and I was right.

Kurt Manaphy: Madam Strahan, your pregame prediction was that everybody was gonna have fun out there.

Michael Strahan: Which they did, so I was right as well.

Kurt Manaphy: And Jimmy, you predicted that there would be 100 Verizon commercials starring Paul Giamatti as Albert Einstein.

Jimmy Johnson: Yeah, and I was wrong. It was actually 200.

Kurt Manaphy: And Terry, you’re lock was that in the fourth quarter someone would streak the field with a carrot up his ass.

Terry Bradshaw: Which happened.

Michael Strahan: Yeah, but only because you were the one who did that, man.

Terry Bradshaw: I make my own luck.

Howie Long: Okay, well let’s head back down to the field where our reporter Pam Oliver is standing by. Pam.

Pam: Thanks, Howie. And in terms of what I saw on the field tonight, I can only say one thing and one thing only, frankly.

[George Santos walks in wearing his drag dress]

George Santos: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I heard you were asking me about Kitara Ravache?

Howie Long: Why are we giving him a graphic? George put Pam Oliver back on.

George Santos: I’m not George. I’m Kitara Ravache. And Pam said that she didn’t want to be on TV and I should do it instead. Now allow me to give you my real stats. Death drops, 26. Duck walks, 19. Wave snatched, infinity. And I was also given the award for tightest tuck.

Terry Bradshaw: Well, at least that’s football. You gotta tuck in tight.

Michael Strahan: No, Terry, it’s not that kind of tuck.

George Santos: Now, I’ve rewritten the football, the Fox football anthem, which I’m allowed to do because my mother died twice on 911. Hit it.

[music playing]
[George Santos starts dancing]

Howie Long: Let’s take a break. But it’s official, the Eagles are moving on and George Santos represents America and can vote on wars.

[George Santos runs in]

George Santos: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Blue Christmas

[There are people in RadioShack]

Kenan: Hey guys, just need a minute of your time before we go on break for Christmas. As some of you know, this is Cecily’s last day working at RadioShack. After eight incredible years.

Cecily: Well, I’ve been here 11.

Kenan: I know. And eight of them were incredible. Honestly, I don’t think that RadioShack could have survived this long without Cecily. Every time she came to work, she had a new character or a new accent or a new impression that would just blow you away. She’d have a power and a joy to her performance that made you remember why you loved working at RadioShack in the first place. I know I’m not supposed to say this as your boss, but I love you Cecily.

Cecily: I love you too, Mr. Frank lasagna.

Kenan: That’s right, that is my name. Now we all pooled our money together, money that was supposed to go to children in need, but we decided to hire a special guest for our Christmas party instead. Unfortunately, the costume was extra and we chose to not spring for that. So please welcome, casual Elvis.

[Austin Butler walks in]

Austin: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Kenan: Yeah, we didn’t pay for the voice.

Austin: Cecily, I know we only met this week but I feel like I’ve known you for two weeks. And I also know that I speak for everyone else when I say…

[singing] We’ll have a Blue Christmas without you
we’ll be so blue just thinking about you
all the sketches with dogs
or when guy’s got one too
won’t be the same, dear
when you go, I’ll scoop.

Cecily: And when those blue snow flakes start falling
that’s when those blue memories start calling

Austin and Cecily: You’ll be doing all right every Saturday night
but I’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

Kenan: We’ll have a blue Christmas without you
All: We’ll be so blue singing about you
you’ll be doing all right with your Christmas so white

Austin: But we’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

Kenan: You’ll be doing all right every Saturday night
All: We’ll all have a blue, blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

[cheers and applause]

Please Don’t Destroy – Plirts

Ben: I don’t know, something like that.

Austin: Gerace Jim Henson. Yeah, that bet could be a funny sketch.

Ben: Thanks, man. Yeah. Hey, why don’t we celebrate with a glass of red wine?

Austin: it’s pretty early, but okay.

Ben and John: Oh, cheers.

[Ben and John pulls out glasses of wine and intentionally pour them on their shirts]

Ben: Oh, my shirt. Now I’m gonna look like a slob for the date I have tonight.

John: Gosh, Austin, don’t you hate when this happens? I just wish there was a solution to this very common problem. [looks at the door] [loudly] I said I wish there was a solution to this very common problem.

Ben: Mart!

[Martin walks in wearing a plastic shirt]

Martin: Well now, there is. With the Plirt, the world’s first shirt made of 100% real plastic.

Ben: That’s plastic? But it looks just like a regular shirt.

Martin: I know it does. But it’s made of plastic which means its spills and stains rinse right off.

Austin: Guys, what’s going on?

[John throws wing at Martin and wipes the wine right out]

Ben and John: Wow.

John: Thanks so Martin’s Plirt, his date night just turned into a sex night. [now Ben and John are also wearing the Plirt] Man, they are comfy. Hey, Martin, this company looking for investors?

Martin: They need investors bad because they’re so in the red right now.

John: Austin?

Austin: Oh, you want me to invest in your company?

Martin: And would you believe us if we told you they were good for the environment?

Austin: Plastic shoots? No.

Martin: Exactly. It’s not. But I was hoping you would believe.

Ben: Come on, Elvis. Try one on.

Austin: Geez, okay. [now he’s also wearing a Plirt] This is more like a phone case.

John: So, do you want to invest? We googled them we know you have enough money.

Austin: Well guys, I can’t move my arms in this.

Ben: Sure, you can watch me grab this cup. [he can’t] I almost had it.

Martin: Bottom line, Plirts are stylish, stain proof and not for pregnant women.

Austin: What was the last one?

Ben: Sleek, lightweight and internal temperature of 110 degrees.

Devon: That’s why I always wear my Plants. [he’s wearing a plastic pants]

Austin: You too?

Marcello: And they also sell Plats and Plackets. [comes in wearing plastic hat and jacket]

Martin: And for summertime fun, they even sell Plinkinis and Plimplungs.

Austin: I feel like I’m having a stroke. Why are you guys talking like this?

John: Because we need that money, man. We make $30 a video. Just gve us the money.

Austin: How did you get the money for the Plothing?

Martin: I got a little help from a girlfriend.

[Lizzo comes in wearing plastic dress]

Lizzo: Hi, babe.

Martin: Oh, hey sweetie.

Austin: You’re dating Lizzo?

Martin: Yeah, man. My life’s a [bleep] movie.

Lizzo: Oh, and by the way, Martin, I got no Planties on.

Austin: What is going on?

Marcello: Dude, where the hell did you get this plastic.

Ben: Jersey, why?

Marcello: The Plat made my hair fall out. [He shows his head. He’s bald.]

Austin: Guys, these are dangerous and insane. They do not belong in the office or on the streets. They belong in the runway.

[cut to them having a photoshoot for Plirts.]

Austin: Love might just be a chemical, then again, so is plastic.

Female voice: Plirts by Plirts Jacobs.

Jennifer Coolidge Is Impressed by Christmas Stuff

Jennifer Coolidge… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: And now, Jennifer Coolidge is impressed by Christmas Stuff.

Jennifer Coolidge: Hi, I’m Jennifer Coolidge. I love Christmas.

[Stockings] Oh, look at this. A big sock full of gifts. You know the ultimate stocking stuffer is a foot.

[Christmas Lights] Christmas lights, so colorful. You know, one year I got the blinking ones. I left my Christmas tree out all night and learn my cat was epileptic,

[Christmas Carol] That’s really good. Did you write this song?

Michael: Did I write Jingle Bells?

Jennifer Coolidge: Yeah?

Michael: No.

Jennifer Coolidge: You know who did?

Michael: I don’t know. Some guy.

[Eggnog]

Jennifer Coolidge: Umm, a big cup of eggnog. Kind of weird. Tastes like I’m drinking Santa’s [bleep].

[Menorah] Oh, happy birthday. I forgot to make a wish.

[Christmas Present] Oh wow. Christmas present. It could be anything in here. I want to shake it. Give me some music. [starts shaking the gift] Sounds like an antique doll with one eye. [opens the gift] Oh, I was right..

Male voice: Merry Christmas from Jennifer Coolidge.

White Elephant

James Shawn Johnson

Devon Walker

Janette… Ego Nwodim

Shawn… Austin Butler

Ava… Cecily Strong

Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Santa… Mikey Day

James: And maybe next year we can host this company holiday party in the Bahamas. Right? Cheers everybody.

All: Cheers.

Heidi: Seriously, thank you all for coming tonight. Now, how about we start the white elephant gift exchange? Does everyone know how this works?

Shawn: Remind me again.

Ava: We all take turns grabbing gifts, right?

Devon: Yep. But you only get to pick when your number is called.

Andrew: Yeah, but we can steal a gift, right?

Heidi: Exacto-mundo. Let’s start. Who’s got number one?

Janette: That’d beat me. Okay. Alright, what do we got here? Oh. Okay. Now that’s a candle right there. I love it.

Heidi: All right, who’s next?

Shawn: Oh, me. I’ve got number two.

James: Okay. Getting in on the action.

Shawn: Oh, nice. A sweet ashtray. Oh, you know, I was just saying I needed something like this. I’m going to use this as a catch all by the front door of my place. Yes. When I get home from a long day, I can just put all my rings and bracelets and playing cards and stuff right from my pockets right here so I know where everything is. To whoever got this, thank you for real. I’m going to cherish this forever. It is perfect.

Ava: Okay, well let’s move on. Number three. I’m up. And you know what? Actually, I’m gonna steal. I really like Shawn’s gift. Yoink!

Heidi: Oh, let the games begin.

Shawn: So what? Now I just don’t get a gift?

Heidi: No, Shawn. Now you can go back to the unopened gifts or you can steal?

Shawn: Okay, I’ll steal my gift back. Yoink back at you.

Ava: No, I don’t think you can do that.

James: Yeah, you’ve got to grab someone else’s.

Shawn: That’s not fair. That’s not fair. You you shouldn’t be able to do that. That’s mean. That’s mean as hell. You know what, Ava? You are a wicked little woman.

Devon: Whoa, whoa, Shawn. I’m gonna need you to chillax pimp juice.

Andrew: That’s just how the game is played, dude.

Shawn: You shouldn’t be able to take someone’s gift if it’s perfect for them. That’s not right. For example, I wouldn’t take Janette scented candle because I know that her house stinks.

Janette: What?

Shawn: No, I’m saying Jeanette, we’ve all been to your house. We’re all aware that you need that candle.

Andrew: Shawn, it’s okay dude. Just take a different gift.

Shawn: Alright, would have.

James: Are you gonna open it?

Shawn: Why? It’s just gonna suck.

Heidi: Okay, hey, let’s let’s take a chill pill and push through. This is supposed to be fun, remember? So who’s next?

Andrew: Number five right here. Hey, Jeanette. Could I get a whiff of your candle?

Janette: Okay, I think I know where this is going.

Shawn: [to Ava] So what are you gonna use it for? To smoke dope?

Heidi: Shawn?

Shawn: What? Look at her. She’s obviously doped out of her gourd right now. Total smack head.

Andrew: Shawn, you’re being a child.

Devon: Just open your gift and shut up.

Shawn: Alright, whatever. I will. Happy? Let’s see what crap awaits. So you’re going to address to me. Who wrote my name on this one? Oh my goodness. It’s the same catchall but in Jet Black. That’s like even more awesome than the other one because jet black is my favorite color.

James: Your favorite color is jet black?

Shawn: It’s a Christmas miracle guys. Who did this? Come on. Fess up. Somebody?

All: No. I didn’t.

Shawn: That must mean..

[Santa’s walking on the roof.]

Santa: Ho-ho-ho-ho. Santa Claus here telling you that it’s someone is lucky enough to get a perfect gift at the white elephant gift exchange, let him keep it. It costs you nothing to be nice. Now you might wonder how I knew Shawn wanted that catchall. Just call it father’s intuition. [Santa is also wearing a lot of rings and bracelets] Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho.

Weekend Update: Cathy Anne Says Goodbye for Now

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: 2022 is almost over and ooh, we did a lot happen. Here to help us make sense of it all is two time Heisman Trophy stealer, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in] [cheers and applause]

Cathy Anne: Hey. Ho-ho-ho, Michael Cho.

Michael Che: Hey Cathy, you look adorable. I love your Santa hat.

Cathy Anne: Oh yeah. Well, it’s covering up a giant open wound. I got a little bit Scout.

Michael Che: You got Scout?

Cathy Anne: Yeah. I fell asleep on an escalator. It is just a mess up here. But you know what? At least now the curtains match the drapes.

Michael Che: Yuck, Cathy Anne. What does that mean?

Cathy Anne: Yeah, let your mind go to the worst place and you figure it out.

Michael Che: Let’s get back on track, Cathy Anne. What’s got your goose tonight?

Cathy Anne: Well, thank you for asking, you sexy piece of crap. Actually, actually, I’m a little emo tonight, because truth is I’m here to say goodbye.

Michael Che: Wait, where are you going?

Cathy Anne: Turns out prison.

Michael Che: Prison?

Cathy Anne: Yeah. Well, the crimes I confessed to you here for the past several years finally caught up with me. Drug use, trespassing, destruction of property, crack, impersonating a police, meth and crack. Oh, and I’m doing a couple of Sonic attacks.

Michael Che: A sonic attack? Like what the Russians do with sound waves?

Cathy Anne: No. I did an upper decker at the soft server machine at Sonic. But a lot of people did end up with pretty bad headaches. Everything worked out, okay? Because I made a plea deal. I wound up getting life in prison.

Michael Che: That’s a bad deal.

Cathy Anne: Well, they wanted to kill me. And that kind of bring my chair back, made me watch him tested. Tuck a little hat on me and everything. Whow, that’s chilling.

Michael Che: I’m really sorry you’re going to prison.

Cathy Anne: Oh no, I’m not. I think it’s actually gonna give me some much needed stability. And I’m not just scared because I got friends on the inside. They seem to be doing okay. [There’s a picture of Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant inside jail] Yeah. And it’s okay. I had a good run. I mean, I met you, we fell in love. We made a sex tape.

Michael Che: Kathy Anne, you getting caught on my Ring cam masturbating is not a sex tape.

Cathy Anne: Potato Chlamado. That’s a spicy meat ball. Hey Colin, don’t you think I forgot about you. Here’s your picture of you may do an update together.

[There’s a picture of Colin Jost and Cecily Strong in old Weeked Update set]

Michael Che: Whoa! Cathy Anne, you look so different. What happened?

Cathy Anne: Okay, excuse me. Look at you. Have you seen you now versus when you started, Mr. Silver fact? Turn into Obama.

Michael Che: All right, that’s fair.

Cathy Anne: Listen, everybody has to go to jail at some point, right? It’s just my time now. But I had a lot of fun here. And I feel really lucky that I got to have so many of the best moments of my life in this place with these people that I love so much. [cheers and applause] But I know, I guess take that with a grain of salt being that I have addiction issues. It’s like another great drug addict once said, “There’s no place like home and there’s no home like the place where I’ve gotten yelled outside Michael Che’s window.” Don’t be sad, because remember… [singing] I did it high, Che.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody.

Cathy Anne: Oh my god, I lit it. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: Colin’s Great Aunt Pat on Holiday Etiquette

Colin Jost

Pat… Heidi Gardner.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Christmas is next week and we’re going to be back with our families. Here to talk about holiday etiquette is my great aunt Pat.

[Pat slides in]
[cheers and applause]

Hi, aunt Pat.

Pat: Hi, honey. You look dashing as ever. And my, how it’s nice to be back on Update.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah. Well, except you’ve never been here before.

Pat: Colin, where are your manners? Never ever question a lady, especially at Christmas time.

Colin Jost: Oh, I’m I’m so sorry. Welcome back to Update.

Pat: Thank you. Thank you. Now Colin, manners are the glue that holds society together. You know that you didn’t even greet me correctly

Colin Jost: I didn’t?

Pat: No. See at Christmas time, you always greet your elders with kiss on the lips.

Colin Jost: And why the lips?

Pat: Manners, Colin.

[Pat leans forward and Colin kisses her lips]
[cheers and applause]

Pat: My apologies, miss Scarlett. I’m your aunt, boy. I’m gonna need a drink after that. Where’s my butler? Mikey Day. Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in wearing a suit]

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Colin Jost: Wait, Mikey, you’re butlering for my Aunt Pat?

Mikey: Yeah, I’m like barely in any sketches this week, and I need money for Christmas. What can I get for you Pat?

Pat: I’ll take a slow gin juice.

Mikey: Okay.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Slow gin juice?

Pat: Yeah, slow gin juice from Jessebelle berry.

Colin Jost: What?

[Mikey brings her drink in]

Pat: Thank you, Mikey Day. [tips Mikey] And that will be all, Mikey Day.

Mikey: Okay.

[Pat pats on Mikey’s penis]

Pat: That’ll be all, Mikey Day. That’ll be all. You can go. That’ll be all. He worked for it. He worked for it.

Colin Jost: Aunt pat. Did you just tap his crotch?

Pat: What? You mean a bouf on the gooch? Gatsby loved to be greeted with a bouf on the gooch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, Gatsby is a fictional character, okay?

Pat: Colin? I just saw on your monitor, my slow gin juice has almost completely washed away my lip stain. Mikey Day! Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in with a lipstick]

Mikey: Here you are, Pat.

Pat: No, remember? How I taught you? You apply it to your lips and then you put your lips on to mine.

Colin Jost: Mikey, really you don’t have to do this.

Pat: Manners, Colin. Manners.

Mikey: Oh, it’s like, breaking apart.

Pat: No, that’s okay. Come on, Mikey Day. Alright, Mikey Day. Alright.

[Mikey puts the lipstick on and rubs his lips on Pat’s lips.]

Oh, looks like we both ate smoked salmon for dinner. Thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you, Mikey day. [tips Mikey]

Mikey: Thank you.

Colin Jost: You only gave him $Colin Jost?

Pat: [patting on Mikey’s penis] That’ll be all, Mikey Day. Thank you so much. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. Mikey! Thank you. That’ll be all.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, none of this seems like etiquette. It seems like you just want to kiss and fondo movie stars.

Pat: Colin. Movie stars? You boys aren’t movie stars. You’re TV Muppets.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, you’re out of control.

Pat: Oh no. I’m staying in here because I have a gift for you. Mikey Day!

Colin Jost: Okay, Mikey.

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Pat: I want to give Colin his Christmas gift, but his lips are a little dry. Mikey Day, do what you do.

[Mikey Day puts lipstick on his lips and is walking near Colin]

Colin Jost: No, it’s okay. I put on a little… I put on a little lipstick before it came out. You don’t need to… You don’t need to do that. [Mikey is leaning towards Colin] That’s okay. [Mikey touches Colin’s lips with his]

Pat: Oh, yes.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.

Pat: Yes. I’m having a slow gin juice of my own. Okay, me now. [Mikey Day puts his lips on Pat’s lips] Alright. Okay. Thank you, Mikey Day. [pats on Mikey’s penis] You can run along now.

Colin Jost: My great aunt Pat, everyone.

Pat: I’m reoccurring. I’m reoccurring.