Category: 2023

Weekend Update- Cup Noodles’ Breakfast Flavor, 89-Year-Old Named Oldest Surfer

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Stars with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Apple logo.]

Colin Jost: Apple has launched a new feature called Pay Later that lets users spread out payments for apps over the course of six weeks. And this is also launched my new favorite insult, “Yo mama so poor she put candy crush on layaway.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Drinking water safe after chemical spill.”]

Michael Che: After a recent chemical spill in the Delaware River, Philadelphia officials say the city’s drinking water is finally safe. Unless it’s been handed to you by this Philadelphian. [Picture changes to Bill Cosby.]

You don’t like safety precautions?

Cup Noodles has introduced a new breakfast version of the instant ramen that mixes the flavors of sausage, maple syrup, pancakes and eggs. The flavor will be called ‘mom left’. I like this crowd a lot, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “89 year old man named world’s oldest surfer.”

Colin Jost: Yeah, me too. Agreed. Agreed. An 89 year old Japanese man has been recognized as the oldest male surfer ever. He truly embodies the surfing lifestyle because every part of his body hangs loose.

[Picture changes to New York city]

New York City is expected to end the winter with the lowest snowfall on record. You lying son of a bitch.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Staten Island sewer rescue.”]

Michael Che: New York City Fire Department rescued five children who got themselves lost in the Staten Island sewer system. Well, it’s hard to believe that a place that filthy and disgusting also has a sewer system.

Built the bear has introduced a new RuPaul doll. And honestly, after a few beers, I would.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a comfort station.]

Colin Jost: New York city officials announced that they will stop calling the city’s Park bathrooms “Comfort stations,” and will instead call them the more accurate – stank shacks.

Doctors in Nepal saved a man after he inserted a water glass into his rectum for sexual gratification and it got stuck. But I think the man actually felt positive about the experience because he said the glass was half full.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “First dispensary owned by woman opens.”]

Michael Che: The first legal marijuana dispensary owned by a woman has opened in Queens, New York. [cheers and applause] Unfortunately, they had to shut down because she couldn’t open the weed jars on her own.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Sperm donor sued for increasing risk of accidental incest.”]

Colin Jost: A sperm donor in the Netherlands who allegedly fathered more than 500 children is being sued for increasing the risk of accidental incest among the kids. Accidental incest is also the title of the worst American Pie sequel.

Trump Indictment Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Afroman… Devon Walker

Don Jr. … Mikey Day

Male voice: And now a message from former President Trump.

Donald Trump. Hello. Thank you. It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me. Well, folks, it happened. I got indicted or as I spell it indicated. And frankly, it’s time that I come clean, admit that I broke the law and go quietly to prison. April Fool’s. That was a prank. I was doing a gym from office. But make no mistake, what the radical left Democrats are doing to me is worse than any crime I’ve ever committed. And I’ve committed a lot. Close to 34. Some are saying I’m going to use this indictment to rile up my base so that they give me more money. Not true. Not true. I don’t want anything from my base except their love, their votes, perhaps their money. And I need their money more than ever. Now, you may have seen I’ve been opening my rallies with my wonderful song “Justice for all,” which I performed with the J6 choir. That’s a very real thing. Very disturbing. Very disturbing. It was the number one downloaded song. We beat flowers by Miley, which as we all know, is about Liam. My song ranking so much cash, I thought why stop there? That’s why I’m putting out my new album “Now that’s what I call my legal defense fund,” aka Trump bopz. And I’m bringing all the hits.

[music playing]

[Donald Trump singing] Boys and things will come by the dozen 
that ain’t nothing but drug store loving
Hey, little thing, let me light your candle

‘Cause mama [singing gibberish] 

Wow, what a deal. Just 30 classic covers, all horrible. Song by your favorite president to defend our movement and mostly myself from the EVO Manhattan DA. That means District Attorney. But I’m a fighter. And speaking of fighting and taking advantage of fighters, here’s my friend Don King.

Don King: Hey. Hey everybody. What they are doing to this man is a tra-da-gedy (tragedy).

Donald Trump: So funny. With the big hair. Murdered a guy, can you believe it?

Don King and Donald Trump: [singing] Islands in the Stream
that ain’t what we are
no one in between
how can we be wrong?

Donald Trump: We’re not wrong. I’ve never been wrong.

Don King and Donald Trump: [singing] Making love to each other, uh-huh

Donald Trump: Don King, everybody. [Don King walks out] Speaking of love, me and the First Lady Melania are in high spirits. Since the news of my possible imprisonment, I’ve never seen Melania happier. She’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Second only perhaps to many younger, hotter women. But we like her. Also just to set the record straight, I didn’t even sleep with stormy Daniels, but in many ways I did. And isn’t it ironic that the first time I actually pay someone, they tried to send me to jail. That’s why you don’t pay people, folks. You never pay people. Pretty ironic.

[singing] If it rains on your wedding day,
oh what a thought, it figures

And folks, if they can come for me, they can come for you too. Or in the case of January 6, they can come for you and not for me. I liked that one a little bit better. Because I really don’t want to go to jail. But when I think about how shredded I might get, it’s awfully tempting. Can you imagine me pumping iron in the jail yard with the homies? Getting real big on top, little on bottom? Totally prison yoked, looking like a candy apple. Perhaps I might even become receptive to the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad. Although, I’ve never seen any pictures of him, kind of suss. Oh-oh, who’s this? Why? It’s a man who liked me was illegally rated and he’s turning it into big bucks, Afro man.

Afroman: I was going to go to class
but then I got high

Donald Trump: Drugs are killing our children
I could have cheated and I could have passed,
but then I got frankly high, real shame.

Afroman: I’m taking in next semester
and I know why?

Donald Trump: Why man?

Afroman and Donald Trump: Hey, because I got high
because I got high
because I got high

Donald Trump: We need to be executing our drug dealers. Thank you, Afroman. [Afroman walks out] Folks, your hard earned money is important. If I go to jail, I will need money for commissary snacks. I will need a supply of Robins to successfully barter with a large man named Lizard. And now my most loyal supporter, I wish he goes away. He’s my Kindle Roy. It’s Don Jr.

Don Jr.: Wow dad, this is really emotional. It might be the last time I see you.

Donald Trump: From your mouth to God’s ears.

Don Jr.: The boy’s a liar
the boy’s a liar
he doesn’t see ya
you’re not looking at me boy

Yeah, Dad!

Donald Trump: Very strange energy, my son. Don’t like it. He’s saying that I’m good enough, grabbing my drr. Thinking about things I should have done. Right? We love Ice Spice, don’t we? Ice Spice. Terrific hair. Beautiful hair. Manhattan, I’ll see you on Tuesday. We’ll be wild. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Traffic Altercation

Mikey: What is that lady doing? She almost was plowed into us. [honks the horn] Lunatic!

Chloe: Oh my God, dad, don’t be so awkward.

Mikey: Well, she almost caused accident just sit there and bumper to bumper traffic. Hey, hello. Hey! Hey!

Quinta: What?

Mikey: You cut me off. You drive crazy.

Quinta: You know what? Eat me. Eat me. I had my blinker on.

Mikey: That’s a lie. You lie. Shame on you.

Quinta: Eat my butt. All of this.

Mikey: You are a sad woman. You sad woman.

Quinta: Okay. Well, why don’t you roll down your window and say that to my face.

Mikey: Why did you mime a crank? No cars have those windows. Power windows now. Do this. Boo. Bad choice.

Quinta: No. This? It’s too small. It wouldn’t read.

Mikey: I guess.

Quinta: You are scared because you aren’t a man. You’re not a big man.

Mikey: Shut up. Shut up. I am a man. I am very strong man.

Quinta: No. You are a little bitch. You are a little bitch.

Mikey: [to Chloe] She’s using you for the word bitch?

Chloe: What? That is so messed up. You suck. You suck.

Mikey: Hey. Hey, don’t do that. First of all, I don’t love that you use two hands. Second of all, just don’t do it. You know what? You know what? Bye. Bye. You not worth my time.

Qinta: Bye, you are a giant puss. You’re that. You’re giant puss.

Mikey: What would your mother say if she saw you do that.

Quinta: My mom told me to do it.

Quinta’s mom: You like devil.

Mikey: Shame on you. That was racist.

Quinta: Now, don’t hate all white people. Just you.

Mikey: Bravo. Bravo. You bad person. I feel bad for your husband.

Quinta: No husband. He went bye-bye. We split up.

Mikey: Oh. Me too. Wife left. But it’s good. She was a bitch.

Chloe: Dad!

Quinta: Respect. Respect. Hey, this might be crazy. But are you hungry?

Mikey: Yeah, I could eat.

Quinta: Do you maybe one To eat these butt? Huh? Ha-ha-ha. Eat the butt.

Mikey: Shame on you.

Chloe: You suck.

Mikey: Stop doing that. Stop it.

Quinta Brunson Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Quinta Brunson.

[Quinta Brunson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Quinta Brunson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so very much. My name is Quinta Brunson. And let me just first say, I am so excited to be here. I have been dreaming about this since I was a kid. I actually, I wanted to be honest to know back in the day, but the audition process seemed long. So instead, I just created my own TV show, made sure it became really popular, won a bunch of Emmys and then got to host. [cheers and applause] So much easier. So much easier.

I have a show called Abbott Elementary. [cheers and applause] And it’s kind of unique. It’s a streaming show. It’s not a streaming show. Sorry. I know you guys get confused about that. It’s a network sitcom. Like say ‘Friends’, except instead of being about a group of friends, it’s about a group of teachers and instead of New York, it’s in Philadelphia. And instead of not having black people, it does.

I grew up in Philly and my mom was a teacher there. So creating a show about teachers has been really special. The only downside is now every time there’s an issue with the public school system, people expect me to solve it. And that’s not fair. Last week when that big collapse, no one wanted to go up to the cast of succession like, “How do we fix this, cousin Greg?” Don’t get me wrong. I love that people are enjoying Abbott, but I wish they didn’t expect me to be exactly like my character all the time in public. Janine Teague is a caring second grade teacher who’s good and wholesome. But I’m the opposite. I mean, I’m not a filthy whore. But I like to have fun. I need to be able to live my life without someone recording me going “Damn, Miss Teague is out here getting wasted at Universal Studios.” I prefer my butter beer with Hennessy.

Look, I just want people to lower their expectations of me. I’m still young, still figuring things out. I’ve had to start lying to my mom about who I’m hanging out with. I’ll be like, “You know, I’m just going to chill on my friend’s garden.” I just don’t mention that it’s Oprah’s garden. Or the time I told her I was going out to dinner but I didn’t tell her with who because it was this guy.

[Cut to a video of Quinta Brunson with Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Hi. I’m with your daughter here and we’re so proud of her. But really proud of you. Not only because you’re obviously a great mom, but because you are a teacher. Most important job there is.

[Cut back to Quinta Brunson]

[cheers and applause]

Quinta Brunson: As my friend Barak said- [laughter] I call him Barack now. My mom really was an amazing teacher, and I’m so proud of her. But I also know firsthand that teachers get taken for granted. Like, I’ve always had a dishwasher. Never thought about it, loaded it up, kick the shut, went to bed wasted. But then my husband and I moved into an apartment that didn’t have a dishwasher. And after one day, I was like, “We gotta get the hell out of here.” Me not having a dishwasher is how parents feel when they don’t have teachers during the pandemic. Suddenly, parents were like, “Wait, we have to teach these dishes now? We have to be these dishes now. Why did I have so many dishes? That last dish was a mistake.” But seriously, teachers are people, not appliances. So please remember how important teachers are. Acknowledge the work they do every day. And for the love of God pay them the money they deserve.

We got a great show for you tonight. Lil’ Yatchy is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Midwife

Mrs. Murphy… Heidi Gardner

Barry… Bowen Yang

Dr. Rogers… Quinta Brunson

Mrs. Alison… Chloe Fineman

Dr. Rogers: Okay, Mrs. Murphy your contractions are 30 seconds apart. This baby is coming.

Mrs. Murphy: But I’m not due for another two weeks.

Dr. Rogers: Don’t worry, Mrs. Murphy. I know it’s scary but listen to me and breathe.

Mrs. Murphy: What about my midwife?

Ego: He’s on his way. Okay.

Mrs. Murphy: Thank god, we had planned for an at home birth. I need him here.

Dr. Rogers: Deep breath, Mrs. Murphy.

Barry: Excuse me, excuse me, clear a path, clear a path. I’m the midwife.

Mrs. Murphy: Barry, Thank God. Dr. Rogers. This is my midwife, Barry.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, okay. Nice to meet you, Barry.

Barry: Actually, we’ve met.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, I’m sorry. Of course then it’s nice to see you. Okay, so she’s already dilated 10 centimetercm. We need to move fast.

Barry: Do you remember meeting me? It’s not a test. I’m just curious. I’m genuinely curious.

Dr. Rogers: Okay, she’s crowning.

Mrs. Murphy: I feel like I’m gonna faint.

Barry: Here honey, sip this sweet ginger kombucha. We met at Danielle’s barbecue.

Ego: Can you just please ask her about this later?

Barry: No, for sure. For sure. But it was the barbecue before the Macklemore concert.

Dr. Rogers: Macklemore? So what we met like in 2012 one time? Okay, Barry. I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with this right now.

Barry: Oh, really? Then how come while you were being defensive I was delivering this baby?

[Three years later]

Dr. Rogers: Push, Mrs. Alison. Push.

Mrs. Alison: Ah! Is my midwife here yet?

Barry: Clear path, clear path? That’s Barry, the midwife.

Mrs. Alison: That’s him. Thank god.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, Barry. It’s nice to see you again.

Barry: Again? Oh, have we met?

Dr. Rogers: Are you serious?

Barry: Yeah. I’ve never seen it before in my life.

Dr. Rogers: I promise you have we met at this hospital in this exact room.

Barry: Okay, what is the purpose of this? To embarrass me? We’ve never met. Girl, respect yourself.

Mrs. Alison: What’s going on?

Ego: Don’t worry. I’ll explain. So Barry is pretending to not remember Dr. Rogers because three years ago she didn’t remember meeting him at a barbecue.

Dr. Rogers: Yes. Before Macklemore concert.

Barry: Macklemore? So we met like in 2012 one time? Throwback. You really remember me? I’m curious as to why. Anyway, while you were being Dr. Gaslight, I was delivering this baby.

[14 years earlier]

Dr. Rogers: Thanks for having us at your barbecue, Danielle, the grill master Acker.

Danielle: No problem. I wish you could come to the Macklemore concert later.

Dr. Rogers: I can’t. I have work. That’s why I’m dressed like this.

Barry: Clear path, clear path for Barry the hungry midwife.

Dr. Rogers: Hi,, I’m Jill. Nice to meet you.

Barry: It’s nice to meet you, too. Wow. I love your hair. I’ve always wanted to do long.

Dr. Rogers: Really? I don’t think that’s a good idea. I wouldn’t recognize you if I saw you again in the future.

Barry: Ha-ha, is that a threat?

[17 years after the barbecue and Macklemore concert]

Dr. Rogers: Mrs. Murphy, long Time no see. I can’t believe this is baby number two.

Mrs. Murphy: I know life happens so fast. Oh, and this is my midwife. You guys remember each other, right?

Barry: Actually, we do. I’m so sorry, Dr. Rogers. I owe you an apology. I pretended not to remember you because you didn’t remember me. And it made me so furious.

Dr. Rogers: I’m sorry, Barry. I felt so bad that I didn’t remember you. It made me feel embarrassed.

Barry: Are you serious? I was pretty emotional jerk.

Jeff: Oh my god. Did we miss it? Barry, Dr. Rogers, this is my husband and my first daughter Kayla. You delivered her.

Dr. Rogers: Hi, Kayla.

Barry: Nice to meet you.

Kayla: Actually, we’ve met.

Barry and Dr. Rogers: Well then, it’s nice to see you, okay?

Drug Dealer

Andrew Dismukes

Devon Walker

Marcello Hernandez

Quinta Brunson

Kenan Thompson

Michael Longfellow

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with people talking inside a club’s bathroom]

Andrew: Dude, I thought this club was a little sketchy at first, but the girls here are insane.

Devon: I know. I already got like three phone numbers.

Andrew: And the only thing that would make this night a little more perfect is if we could score a little something.

Devon: You mean like, Coke?

Andrew: Yeah, man.

Devon: I don’t know.

Andrew: Why not? We’re on vacation? Right?

Devon: All right. All right. All right, but only if we can find something that’s like pure, you know I’m saying? There’s a lot of garbage going around right now.

[Marcello walks to them]

Marcello: Hey. You guys looking for some cocaine?

Andrew: What?

Marcello: I said you want to get high? Because I’m gonna make that happen.

Andrew: Wait, seriously?

Devon: I mean, is it pure?

Marcello: [mocking Devon] Is it pure? Don’t insult me, man. My product is so pure white, it’s like a bunny rabbit making snow angels on the cloud.

Andrew: Ooh, sounds good to me.

[Quinta also walks to them]

Quinta: Hey, you guys looking for cocaine?

Andrew: Oh, I think we found some already.

Marcello: Yeah, they already found some. Get lost.

Quinta: Well, my stuff is so right, it’s like Gwyneth Paltrow skiing in Utah.

Devon: Okay. Damn, I’m sold. Alright, how much for that?

Marcello: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. My cocaine is so pure white, it’s like the guy that suing Gwyneth Paltrow because he can’t enjoy wine tastings anymore.

[Kenan also walks to them]

Kenan: Ya’ll looking for some cocaine?

Quinta: No.

Marcello: They already decided, man.

Andrew: No, no, we haven’t. We’re just trying to make sure it’s pure.

Kenan: Oh, let me tell you this man. The coke that I got is so white, it’s dad seems it money every month with a rent.

Devon: Okay, I think I want that one.

Quinta: No, no, no, that is junk. This stuff right here is so white, it takes his shoes and socks off on a plane.

Marcello: No, no no, no, no, no. You don’t want that. This is what you want man. This cocaine here is whiter than season two of ‘The Wire.’

Kenan: Oh yeah? Well my coke is like …
[singing] Cut my life into pieces
this is my last resort

Quinta: Mine is like…

[singing] I chime in with a
“Haven’t you people ever heard of…”

Andrew: [singing] “…closing the goddamn door?”
Damn, no. That is white.

[Punkie also walks to them]

Punkie: Hey, you guys looking for some cocaine?

All: No, we’re good.

Marcello: We’re all set, man.

Devon: Alright, look, we’re looking for coke that’s so pure white, it got a little bottle opener on its flip flops.

Punkie: Yes, yes. My cocaine is so pure, it was written and directed by Noah Baumbach.

Devon: Wait, who the hell is Noah Baumbach?

Andrew: A poet.

Kenan: Man, that’s nothing. This cocaine I got stuff like “Oh, let me scoop right by you.”

Quinta: No, no, no, no, no. This cocaine is so white… [looks at Andrew]

Andrew: Oh, sorry. How White is it?

Quinta: Thank you. It’s so white, it stands like this admiring its lawn.

Marcello: Whatever, man. My coke is so white…

[James walks in to wash his hands]

James: Let me just scoot by you there. Okay. Toodles.

Marcello: It’s that white.

Kenan: I already said that one.

Andrew: Alright man, so what do you think?

Devon: I don’t know. I still can’t decide. Hey

Michael: Hey. [he had been hiding, standing on the wall wearing clothes as the same color of the wall.] You guys looking for some black tar heroin?

Andrew: What, no!

Michael: OH, too bad. Because I’ve got some black tar heroin that’s so black, it’s- [looks around] You know what? Maybe I shouldn’t say.

Devon: No, no, I want to hear this. Go ahead.

Kenan: Please tell us.

Quinta: I’m all ears.

Michael: Fine. I was just goona say it’s so black that is strong and equal, and we should all really give it a chance. You know, I’m not even here.

Quinta: That’s what I thought. Anyway, like I said, this coke is so white, it likes to say it’s from Chicago, but it’s from a suburb like an hour outside of Chicago.

Punkie: Well, my cocaine is 20 pairs of Yeezy sneakers.

Devon: Wait, that’s not even white.

Punkie: Ha-ha. Well, they all dirty.

Quinta: That’s pretty white.

Kenan: Damn, that’s white as hell.

Andrew: All right. All right, that’s enough. It’s all sound very white and pure. I can’t decide. So I guess we’ll take one from each.

Quinta: Okay.

Punkie: That’s fair. Alright.

Devon: Okay. And you’re absolutely sure that there’s no fentanyl in this, right?

Quinta: Well, nobody said that.

Kenan: I mean…

[all making excuses]

Couple Goals

Bob Dabilda… James Austin Johnson

Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Mia… Quinta Brunson

John… Michael Longfellow

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Announcer: It’s time for ‘Couple Goals’ with your host, Bob Dabilda.

Bob Dabilda: Welcome to ‘Couple Goals’, the game where married couples find out just how well they know each other. Let’s meet today’s contestants. They recently celebrated their 10 year anniversary. It’s Thomas and Mia Anderson.

And they lived across from each other during the pandemic and now they’re married, it’s John and Linda Cronin.

Alright, let’s get started. As you know, your spouse has answered a series of questions before the show and it’s up to you to guess what they said. Question one. What is your wife’s favorite food. Thomas?

Thomas: Oh, come on now, Bob. That’s easy. She’s the queen of burgers.

Bob Dabilda: Sounds pretty confident. Let’s see what Mia said.

Mia: Burgers. I’m the burger queen.

Bob Dabilda: Alright. The Andersons are on the board. Let’s go to the Cronins. John.

John: I’m gonna go with my gut here and say grapes.

Linda: Oh no. I said fish sticks. You’ll get them next time, babe.

Bob Dabilda: All right, question two. What is your husband’s greatest fear?

Mia: I’ve seen this man in the garage. And trust me, the answer is spiders.

Bob Dabilda: Aright, Mia says spiders and Tom has said his greatest fear is… that you’ll fall down the stairs and get hurt so bad that I have to give up my dreams and spend the rest of my life caring for you. Wow. No points on that one.

Mia: That’s your biggest fear?

Thomas: Spiders. Yeah. I should have said spiders.

Bob Dabilda: Okay, moving on with the Cronins. Linda, what is your husband’s greatest fear?

Linda: Oh, I got this. It’s airplanes.

John: No, honey, it’s snakes. Remember?

Linda: Oh, so close.

John: Was it though? Was it?

Bob Dabilda: Okay Anderson’s, next question. What’s something you do in bed that your husband does not like? Mia.

Mia: Well, this is embarrassing. But I’ll say it kiss him before brushing my teeth.

Bob Dabilda: And Tom is sad – Sleep too close to the edge.

Mia: Thomas, you think I’m gonna fall out of bed and break my neck?

Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Ay, what’s the next question, man?

Bob Dabilda: Over to Linda, what’s one thing you do in bed that your husband does not like?

Linda: I’d have to say get on top.

Bob Dabilda: Okay. And John said –

John: Hog the sheets, babe.

Bob Dabilda: Once again, the Cronins are not remotely on the same page. Next question for the Andersons. What was your biggest fight about?

Thomas: Oh, I know this one. That would be the basketball game incident.

Bob Dabilda: Okay. Thomas says the basketball game incident and Mia says – the time I hit a half court shot at a basketball game and they gave me free rock climbing lessons for life. And you ran out and ripped up the certificate in front of the whole stadium. Five points to the Andersons.

Thomas: We run away with now, huh baby?

Bob Dabilda: Okay, folks, that sound means it’s time for a bonus question. This one’s for you, Mia. Who has had the biggest influence on your husband’s life?

Mia: His father?

Thomas: Yeah. My dad. And my parents are actually here today. How am I doing Dad?

Dad: You’re doing great son.

[His mother is looking at him disappointed]

Bob Dabilda: Back to Linda. What is your husband’s dream vacation?

Linda: I don’t know. Snake world.

John: Yeah, yeah, it’s snake world. No, you idiot. I just said I don’t like snakes.

Bob Dabilda: Calling your spouse an idiot and you lose a turn. All right. Mia, what’s your husband’s dream vacation?

Mia: At this point, who knows? But he always said Aruba.

Thomas: Yes. Yes baby.

Mia: Alright, finally. There’s the man I married.

Bob Dabilda: Uh-huh. And what’s that little asterix?

Thomas: Oh, that’s just this.

Bob Dabilda: As long as you’re still healthy. If not then Big Sur with your sister. After years of caring for you together, we will have grown close in away we Never expected. And when we finally climax together under the redwoods, we’ll hold each other and weep. Not just because the pleasure is so intense, but because we finally feel released from our tragic shared burden. Well, you both said Aruba, that five points put you over the top. Anderson’s you have won our grand prize.

Mia: Wait, we did?

Thomas: We won, baby.

Bob Dabilda: And that grand prize is an all expense paid trip to Bali’s Temple of 1000 steps.

Thomas: No!

Bridesmaid Cult Documentary

Dr. Greg Lawrence… James Austin Johnson

Riley Dibiase Lowell… Heidi Gardner

Brittany Reynolds… Ego Nwodim

Naomi Daniels… Quinta Brunson

Josh Chan-Moy… Bowen Yang

Riley Dibiase… Sarah Sherman

Vanessa Cutchin… Punkie Johnson

Michelle… Molly Kearney

Riley Dibiase Lowell: It all started with a box on my doorstep.

Brittany Reynolds: And a note with a question.

Naomi Daniels: I just got this feeling that it wasn’t the kind of question you could say no to.

Riley Dibiase: Will you…

Vanessa Cutchin: Be my…

Riley Dibiase Lowell: Bridesmaid.

Male voice: From the people who brought you ‘Keep Sweet’, ‘Wild Wild Country’ and ‘the Nexium Documentary,’ comes a harrowing new cult story ‘I was a bridesmaid.’

Dr. Greg Lawrence: Each year more than 6 million women fall into this type of cut. They prey on vulnerable groups like college roommates and sisters in law.

Riley Dibiase Lowell: They sell you on the big day. I thought it was a one day commitment. But for 18 months, I was fully sucked in.

Brittany Reynolds: I mean, there was an email chain a group text, DMS, a whole last conversation in the comments on Venmo.

Naomi Daniels: That sent a 200 question poll about customized shirts. We ended up going with bride tribe.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: These cults also target another vulnerable group. -Outgoing gay men.

Josh Chan-Moy: I’ve been a bridesmaid at nine weddings this year. Whenever a girl starts calling me sis, I know I’m in trouble.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: The Bachelorette Party is the first major ritual. Almost always in Nashville.

Riley Dibiase: I tried to say I couldn’t afford to go because my student loans. The maid of honor texted back “No worries” with the sparkle emoji. I knew what that meant. I sold my car to make it happen.

Naomi Daniels: At first, I thought that the bride was in charge. But it was the woman under her, the maid of honor, Michelle.

Vanessa Cutchin: Michelle was a sociopath.

Michelle: Attention. First, we’re going to be getting up at 6am for a sunrise pole dancing fitness class. Then we’re going to be renting a nine person party bike. We’re going to be drinking, drinking, drinking.

Brittany Reynolds: You know what? I’m actually not feeling that good. So I might meet you guys later.

Chloe: That’s okay. [smiles at Brittany Reynolds, but then looks at Michelle looking disappointed]

Michelle: Hey, Brittany, can we talk for a sec?

[Michelle is having serious discussion with Brittany Reynolds]

Josh Chan-Moy: I don’t have many memories from the bachelorette trip. Because I was drugged by myself. I had no choice. These women were terrorizing every gay bar in town.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: As with all cults, there is a financial element.

Naomi Daniels: I spent $300 on a bridesmaid’s dress, the bride store I find other times to wear it. Like, where am I going that calls for a floor length light blue chiffon gown with a modest neckline? Nowhere.

Riley Dibiase: Then the bridal shower, more money, more gifts. There was all this penis stuff, sashes straws. Everyone acted like it was hilarious. I didn’t understand.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: The penis stuff is it’s very funny. I will say that.

Riley Dibiase Lowell: And finally it was time for the big day.

Riley Dibiase: I was separated from my boyfriend and given a new partner. The groom’s cousin Donny who was inexplicably 61.

Josh Chan-Moy: Final ritual was the most demeaning. We had to write and perform original lyrics to Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

[singing]

Naomi Daniels: And then, all of a sudden it was over. But I just got engaged. Don’t worry, I’m going to be such a chill bride.

Bosses

Murphy… Bowen Yang

Janet… Chloe Fineman

Reynold… Molly Kearney

Daniel… Sarah Sherman

Benson… Quinta Brunson

Heather… Heather Gardner

Murphy: So Janet, how’s your first month here been?

Janet: Oh, it’s been great. I’m so happy to be working here.

Reynold: Well, we’re lucky to have you.

Janet: But I don’t want to make this a big deal. I think Daniels has been kind of weird with me.

Murphy: Oh, Daniel is our top salesman, really? He’s always been cool to me.

Janet: You’re right. It’s probably nothing. Forget I said anything.

Daniel: Hey, Murphy. How’re ya? How are the kids?

Murphy: They’re good, Daniel. Just sent my eldest off to Penn State.

Daniel: oh gosh, that must be hard on the old bank account. [laughing] And Reynold, we’e hitting the links later on what, buddy?

Reynold: Five on the dot, Daniel.

Daniel: Looking forward to it. And Simmons, [suddenly starts acting weird] Big butt. Whoo! Setting off the penis alarm. [suddenly acting normal] And Murphy, you got that reported to me by Monday or what?

Murphy: Absolutely Daniel.

Daniel: Alright, that’s great. Oh and before I forget guys, we got a company wide Zoom meeting at six where I’ll be zooming in on those boobies. Computer enhance, engaging X ray vision. It said we have nipples. And Murphy, listen, that Turner file’s not gonna file itself, alright? See you guys.

Janet: You guys saw that, right?

Murphy: Saw what?

Janet: Daniels when he talks to me, he did like an impression of a sex computer.

Murphy: I thought he was just being goofy. But hey, I’m old school.

Reynold: You know, if you’re having a problem with him, you can always talk to Benson.

Janet: Benson? Really?

Murphy: Oh, yeah, totally. He’s been here forever. He just gets it out. Speak of the devil.

Benson: Well, lookie here, all of my favorite people?

Reynold: How are you?

Murphy: Benson?

Benson: Guys, I want to thank you again for showing up to my granddaughter’s food drive. It meant the world.

Reynold: Anything for you, Benson.

Benson: We fed 500 families in need because of you guys. I mean, Simmons. I know it meant the world to my granddaughter that you brought those.

Janet: Those what?

Benson: Well, those big old buttered yams. Ooh. What I would to jump off a diving board and cannonball and do that cleavage. Help! I’m drowning, but don’t save me. I want to die in there. All right, gang. If you need anything, anything at all, please just give me a call. I’d do anything for you guys. I’d even adopt those gorgeous two twins and raise them in a hotel like Zach and Cody. Alright, duty calls. I’ll catch you guys later.

Reynold: Love you, man.

Janet: Okay, you guys notice that right?

Reynold: I mean, I want to say yes so you don’t feel crazy, but I didn’t notice anything.

Janet: How?

Murphy: Oh, can we make something out of nothing today?

Janet: This is insane.

Heather: Janet. Hey, I’m Heather from HR. I heard you down the hall. And if anyone here has been making you uncomfortable, we will handle it right now in a company wide meeting.

Janet: Thank you.

Heather: But first we have a musical performance from the penis brothers.

[Benson and Daniel walk in dancing]

Daniel: Come on, ya’all.

Benson: This one goes out to our two favorite ladies.

Daniel: Simmons, ya’ll.

Murphy: Oh my god, the penis brothers!

Heather: The moment you’ve all been waiting for, the brothers bongo boob experience.

[Benson and Daniel are hitting on Janet’s breasts like they’re bongo]

Janet: How is that making that sound?

Daniel: Hey Murphy, you got that file for me or what?

Murphy: I do, Daniel. By the way, I got an email from corporate and you’re both fired.

Benson and Daniel: Makes sense.

Weekend Update- Tucker Carlson’s Texts About Trump, Biden’s Billionaire Tax

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set There are pictures of Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump.]

This weekend bitter rivals who have been desperately pandering for votes and trying to force their politics on America will finally face off in person. I’m of course talking about tomorrow’s Oscars. The Motion Picture Academy has rejected a request from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy to make an appearance during the Oscars. But they promised that Volodymyr Zelenskyy will be how John Travolta pronounces Viola Davis.

Organizers of the Oscar said they changed the color of the arrival carpet from red to champagne, so the mood would be more mellow. But I don’t know. Switching from red to champagne usually turns me into a full on bitch.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden proposed his budget that would help fund Medicare with a 25% tax on billionaires. Hah! Take that, Rihanna. President Biden’s proposed budget included $400 million to counter Chinese disinformation. It will target the number one source of Chinese disinformation, fortune cookies.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson.]

Colin Jost: Tucker Carlson seen here laughing at a dog locked in a hot car, released security footage from the January 6 attacks with the violence edited out and said it proves it was a peaceful gathering. Which is like editing all the sex out of a porn video and saying it’s a short film about being a stepmom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: New documents from the Dominion lawsuit revealed text from Tucker Carlson, in which he says he hates Donald Trump passionately and can’t wait until he’s able to ignore him. That must suck, to go on TV, put on a smile and make friends with some psychotic bigot just because it’s good for the show. Anyway, back to you Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of RuPaul.]

Colin Jost: I don’t get it. RuPaul harshly criticized lawmakers who support banning drag shows calling them stunt Queen politicians. And let me just say, hallelu girl. I gotta serve realness on this one. These dusty breeders are resting on ugly and I am gagging on it. I’m sorry, guys. Before the show, I switched from red to shampoo.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s are pictures of Joe Biden and TikTok logo.]

Michael Che: Oh boy. President Biden said that he supports a bill that would allow the government to ban TikTok. But only because Biden thinks TikTok is a gang member from his old neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Walgreens logo.]

Colin Jost: After Walgreens announced that they will stop selling abortion pills in 25 states, CVS has remained silent on the issue. While over at Rite Aid, you can just grab a pill from the take-a-bortion leave-a-bortion tray.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of King Charles and Meghan Markel.]

Michael Che: It was reported that the organizers of King Charles’s coronation have officially invited Meghan Markel. And this is nice, at a starting salary of $19 an hour. I think it’s actually very generous guys.