Tag: Alex Moffat

Girl at a Bar

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Amy… Aidy Bryant

Dave… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a girl walking into a bar]

Michelle: [talking on the phone] Hey, girl. It’s me checking to see if you are here yet, and I don’t see you so– I’m just gonna grab a seat at the bar, alright? So just, find me when you get here. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Where is she?

[Dave walks in]

Dave: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Michelle: Oh. Um…

Dave: I’m sorry, I’m not like a gross guy trying to hit on your or anything. I just– I can’t find a seat.

Michelle: Okay, yeah, sure.

Dave: Thanks. Believe me, I know this place is filled with skeezy guys.

Michelle: I think the whole world is.

Dave: Hah! I think one is our president.

Michelle: [laughing] Do not remind me.

Dave: I’m Dave.

Michelle: I’m Michelle.

Dave: I gotta say, I like your t-shirt.

Michelle: Oh, yeah? Well, future is female.

Dave: I know. Look.

[Dave is wearing the same t-shirt.]

Michelle: No! Okay, well, Dave, on behalf of all women, we thank you so much for your support.

Dave: Hey, would you maybe wanna hangout sometime?

Michelle: You men like a date?

Dave: [smiling] Yeah, like a date.

Michelle: Um, no thank you.

Dave: Okay, bitch!

Michelle: What?

Dave: I’m wearing this shirt and you won’t even let me nut? What the freak!

[Kyle walks in pushing Dave away]

Kyle: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Dave: What? I followed all the rules!

[Dave leaves. Kyle sits on that seat.]

Kyle: Nightmare!

Michelle: Yeah.

Kyle: Sorry about that. You alright?

Michelle: Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Thank you.

Kyle: You, um, you from around here? [Michelle looks at Kyle] Sorry. I didn’t mean that in like a skeezy, where do you live sort of way.

Michelle: No, no. It’s okay. I’m from DC.

Kyle: Oh, no way. I was actually just there for the women’s march.

Michelle: Really?

Kyle: Yeah. Yeah. We rented a bus and brought down like a hundred people from the neighborhood who didn’t have a ride. It was honestly, one of the best days of my life.

Michelle: Wow, you’re very nice.

Kyle: Um, would you want to come to my place?

Michelle: Oh! No, thank you.

Kyle: Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Kyle: I freaking marched for you. You won’t get down on this?

Michelle: Ew!

[Mikey walks in pushing Kyle away]

Mikey: Hey! She’s not into it, man!

Kyle: Fine!

[Kyle leaves and Mikey takes the seat]

Mikey: Back off! God! Guys like that is why we need a woman in the White House. Enough of us men, right? We had our shot. Sorry, I’m a broken record. I worked for Hillary.

Michelle: You did? I love Hillary.

Mikey: Yeah. Hey, can I ask you a question since we both love Hillary?

Michelle: Yeah.

Mikey: Would you want to look at my balls?

Michelle: Ew, no.

Mikey: [pointing at Michelle] Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Bitch.

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Please!

Michelle: No!

Mikey: But it’s not fair.

[Alex walks in pushing Mikey away]

Alex: Okay, buddy, that’s enough. Move along. I’m so sorry about my fellow man.

Michelle: Ah!

Alex: You know what? Do you by any chance follow Kamala Harris on twitter?

Michelle: Yes, I do.

Alex: Do you wanna eat my butt?

Michelle: No!

Alex: [squeaky loud voice] Bitch!

[Amy walks in pushing Alex away]

Amy: No, no. Go!

Michelle: Amy! I”m so glad you’re here.

Amy: I’m sorry I’m late. These guys are horrible.

Michelle: Yeah, tell me about it. Thank you for saving me. I love you.

Amy: Oh, you do?

Michelle: Yeah.

Amy: Touch my [bleep].

Michelle: What? No!

Amy: [yelling] Bitch!

Drug Company Hearing

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Alex Moffat

Mrs. William... Octavia Spencer

Seasonique… Sasheer Zamata

Lunestra… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Beck briefing about the hearing]
Beck: Alright, thank you all for agreeing to this hearing. Both of you understand that the decisions made today are legally binding?

Vanessa and Alex: Yes.

Beck: Okay. Mrs. Williams, you are filing a claim against your former employer, Merck Pharmaceuticals where you worked for the past 22 years.

Mrs. William: Yes, sir. I’m suing for intellectual property theft because they’ve stolen many of my ideas. And I am asking for $20 millions in damages.

Vanessa: That’s ridiculous. MR.s Williams worked in accounting. No one there is responsible for ideas.

Mrs. William: Sir, let me give you an example. IN December, 2004, this company created a drug called Seasonique. Well, back in 1997, I had a child. Please say hello to Seasonique. [Seasonique walks in]

Seasonique: Hello.

Beck: Oh, your name is Seasonique?

Seasonique: Yes, sir. My name is Seasonique Boniva Williams.

Mrs. William: That’s right. Seasonique was born on the one special day between spring and summer. She was seasonique. And that’s not the only example. This company has named dozens of their drugs after members of my family.

Beck: Mrs. Williams, I–

Mrs. William: Please call me Lyrica. That’s my name, but it’s also an anti-epilepsy drug.

Beck: That’s certainly interesting.

Alex: Please! We have a whole team that names our products according to years of research. This is clearly a coincidence.

Mrs. William: Oh, really? Let’s look at some other examples, shall we? Celexa.

Seasonique: That’s my cousin.

Mrs. William: Femara.

Seasonique: My other cousin.

Mrs. William: Eliquis. She lives down the way.

Seasonique: Over there.

Mrs. William: Cymbalta.

Seasonique: She’s trouble, but she’s fun.

Mrs. William: Um-hmm. Allegra. Now she does my hair, now she don’t have a shop, so I go to her house where she has a little baby name little Nicorette. So, you see sir, these people aren’t coming up with new drug names. They’re just flipping through the contacts of my phone.

Beck: Well, there does appear to be evidence here.

Vanessa: Sir, this is just payback. Mrs. Williams was recently laid off from Merck and she’s looking for retribution.

Mrs. William: You think so? Well, let me bring in one of my co-workers who’s still an employee there today. Come on, in.

Beck: And you are?

Lunestra: Lunestra. Lunestra Crestor Harrison. And I worked at Merk for 11 years. Back in 2009, I fell asleep on my computer keyboard, and two weeks later this company came out with a sleep aid called Lunestra. This company has taken the names of so many people in our neighborhood including my sister Propecia.

Seasonique: Or my nephew, Dayquil.

Beck: Huh! Well, I have to say that seems more than circumstantial.

Vanessa: Perhaps. But even if it was, there’s just no proof that having the same names as the drugs has caused the women any harm.

Seasonique: Really? You think it is nice to be associated with high cholesterol and erectile dysfunction?

Alex: Oh, that’s terrible. Sorry!

Lunestra: See? He knows this is the biggest corporate injustice since my aunt, Activia, worked at this yogurt company.

Mrs. William: It’s a travesty. [putting her hand over her chest] Oh, oh, I am sorry sir. I’m having a little episode. I need my Humira.

Beck: Oh, that’s fine. Can we get you a glass of water?

Mrs. William: No, Humira is my emotional support dog. She always calms m down.

Seasonique: You even stole her dog.

Alex: Come on!

Beck: Okay, alright. I have to say the evidence is overwhelming. It is my ruling that Mrs. William’s claim has merit. I am awarding her the full amount in damages. Thank you all.

Mrs. William: [cheering] So we get the money? I can finally put Tylenol through college.

Lunestra: I can’t believe they stole that from you too.

Chucky Chocolate

Octavia Spencer

Mike… Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Steve… Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Security… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Octavia talking to her staff]

Octavia: Circle up, everybody. Now, I wanna talk about what happened on Friday. Obviously that was pretty upsetting for everyone.

Mike: Yeah, just awful.

Vanessa: I’m still little shaken up.

Octavia: Well, suffice to say, Steve will not be working here anymore. I’ve been told he won’t even be allowed on the premises.

Cecily: Thank god.

Octavia: And I want to reassure you that this is an office where you can feel safe and comfortable.

[funny music playing]

[Steve walks in with a cart]

What’s that?

Vanessa: Oh, my god! I think, Steve.’

Steve: Hey, hey, hey. Chocolate delivery. Here I am, your humble chocolate delivery man. Your most apology in the form of chocolates. You see? Fripples for all.

Bobby: Are you wearing makeup?

Steve: Just a little bit.

Vanessa: Steve, sweets are not gonna make up for what you did.

Steve: Oh, yeah? Well, here’s a question. [singing] Do you like chocolate lotto? With peppermint crump. du-du-du-du
Do you even like second chances? To a real sorry boy.

What do you say, guys?

Bobby: You shouldn’t be here, man!

Steve: Look, ha-ha-ha, I know I was a bit of a dick. It’s nothing that chocolates can’t fix.

Octavia: You came in with a gun, Steve.

Steve: [singing] Rocky road, lotto, chocolate chips, double dip

[trying to put a chocolate bar in Vanessa’s mouth] Ooh! Those are bars.

Vanessa: Get it off my face, please.

Octavia: How did you get pass security, Steve?

Steve: Steve? Steve? I don’t see Steve. I only see Chucky Chocolate.

Octavia: Chucky Chocolate?

Steve: Jackie Chocolate.

Cecily: No, you said Chucky.

Steve: Who cares? Get over it. I don’t know.

Aidy: Steve, you can’t be here. Okay? You grabbed Debby by the shirt and you screamed, “I’m seeing that chest for once and for all.”

Steve: Thick move. My bad. But in my defense,

[singing] Oh, chikidi-chocolate, the Chinese chocolate,
you have a pepper mint and your mouth start singing
ooh-yeah! Chocolate time for the lady.

Mike: Steve! Are you honestly so insane that you think free chocolates are gonna get you your job back?

[Steve nodding his head]

Octavia: Oh, my god! He just pissed his pants.

Steve: Ha-ha. You wish. [Steve’s pants are all wet]

Octavia: Steve, you need to get out of here.

Steve: Oh, and go to my desk? And start my day? Unpack my things and such?

Octavia: No. I just called security.

Steve: Oh! To escort me to my desk? So I can start my day? Unpack my things and such?

[the security walks in]

Oh, who’s this hungry boy? Chocolate, alright! [puts a chocolate in Security’s mouth]

Security: Hey! Come on! Let’s go.

Steve: Hey, can I just say one freaking thing? Nobody will let me even talk.

Octavia: Bitch, you’ve been talking the whole time.

Steve: Look, gang, I know I was a bit of a dick. But look at Mike, he’s going– dude, you’re being too hard on yourself.

Mike: No, I’m not.

Steve: If I had a gun, I’d blow your brains out, Mike. And that’s why I’m Chuckie Chocolate, the elegant chocolate man.

Bar Centrale

Candis… Aidy Bryant

Noal… Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Terry… Cecily Strong

Jode… Octavia Spencer

Waiter… Alex Moffat

[Starts with four ladies getting seats at a restaurant]

Candis: Oh, here’s an open table.

Noal: Perfect!

Vanessa: Let’s get out girl time on. I can only sneak off for two hours.

Terry: Hey, guys, I hope you don’t mind but I invited a new friend that y’all are gonna lose your damn minds over.

Candis: Oh, cool.

Terry: Yeah, yeah. She keeps it real and a hundred. Okay? You guys are gonna love her. Just keep your eyes open for her. She’s black. Oh, there she is. Girl! [calling] Girl, we over here.

[Jode walks in]

Jode: Hi. I’m Jode.

Terry: It’s that fierce B I’m telling you about.

Candis: Um, Jode?

Jode: Yeah, Jode. Sorry, I’m late. I was stuck at the CVS waiting for my prescription bra.

Terry: Ah! Prescription bra! Girl! [Terry is only the one who is over-excited] I should have known you’ve already been cracking me up. Didn’t I warn y’all? She’s crazy.

Noal: Okay. Yeah. Well, let’s just order some drinks and then try to figure out all that’s happening with you and her.

Terry: Oh, Jode, you’re ready to get your drink on?

Jode: Hell, yeah.

Candis: Oh, well, there’s out waiter. I’ll call him. Sir!

Terry: Oh, okay. Hot waiter with the beard. Guys, I cannot be responsible for what this B is about to say to this man.

[the waiter walks in]

Waiter: Ladies, welcome to Bar Centrale. I’m Nelson. How can I be of service tonight?

Terry: Oh, okay, Jode is about to slay. I know that look. You need to watch. You need to watch and learn.

Jode: Um, can I get a two liters of diet right. And can you let me know when the ladies’ room is completely empty? And then, when I go in there, would you put the ‘out of order’ sign on the door?

Terry: Word!

Waiter: Um, I’m gonna have to check my manager, but I will see what I can do for you. And the rest of you ladies, do you want some drinks?

Candis: Um, yeah. Can we just have a bottle of riesling?

Waiter: Absolutely.

Vanessa: So, Jode, what do you do?

Terry: Oh, besides giving zero f’s.

Jode: Um, I kill bugs for Orkin.

Terry: What? Girl. You are cracking me up talking about Orkin.

Candis: Um, Terry, I think that’s just where she works.

Terry: Candis, girl, jealous is not pretty on you. You know what I’m saying, Jode?

Jode: I got jealous once of my uncle’s haircut and I didn’t speak to him for a month. And then I realized I could get the same haircut, and I did. It’s this one on my head.

Terry: Now, that’s the damn truth. Right? Look at Noal all like, “The thirst is real?”

Noal: What? Jode, you seem nice. And I don’t mean to be rude, but Terry, I’m wondering if you’re putting things on this relationship that just aren’t there.

Terry: What?

Candis: Yeah, Terry. I think you got embarrassed about not knowing that February is Black History Month, and now you’re doing this.

Terry: Oh my–! Okay, are you even–! Jode, I’m sorry. We need to go dance because I am being trolled by these damn trolls.

Jode: Wait, Terry, were you using me to impress your friends?

Terry: Okay. [music playing in the background] Maybe it started that way. But the two days I’ve spent with you have really been special to me. And I really hope you’ll still consider being my friend, because you know how to have a damn good time.

Jode: You know what? I was using you too to impress my friends. And they think the crazy way you talk is funny. You sound like a teenager in a potato chips commercial.

Terry: Aw, girl. We played each other. But ended up BFFs.

Jode: Now, let’s show these bitches what true friendship is. [to waiter] Sir!

Waiter: Yes?

Jode: Can you play Mumbo Number Five by Lou Bega?

Waiter: For a couple of real friends who just taught us a lesson, of course.

[music playing]

[Terry and Jode start dancing]

Noal: I guess we weren’t being very fair. They really are good friends.

Candis: Yeah. And look, Jode backed that waiter!

[Jode and Waiter are dancing and Terry is cheering for them]

Terry: Whoo! Get it girl! Right? Jode for the win. Candis, I know you’re watching this.

Russell Stover

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Alec Baldwin

[Starts with a couple enjoying wine in a candle light.]

Female voice: You’ve always loved her and nothing says “I love you” like the classic Russell Stover heart-shaped box of chocolages.

[Mikey gives Melissa a heart shaped box of chocolate]

Mikey: Happy Valentine’s day, baby.

Female voice: But February isn’t only about Valentine’s day.

[Cut to Alex giving Sasheer a heart shaped box of chocolate]

Alex: Happy black history month, baby.

Sasheer: It’s not gonna be– [Sasheer opens the box of chocolate. They’re all face shaped chocolate making it look like they’re black.] Oh, it is.

Female voice: Russell Stover is honored to introduce our black history heart shaped box. Inside you’ll find twenty eight scrumptious African-American heroes. One for each delicious day of thie important month.

Alex: [picking up one chocolate] Terry Tubman, babe.

Sasheer: [not happy] Okay.

Female voice: Because a deep rich culture deserves a deep, rich chocolate.

[Cut to Alec giving Leslie a box of chocolate]

Leslie: Oh, I thought you forgot, baby.

Alec: About your struggle? Never.

Leslie: What?

[Leslie opens the box. Alec shows her his fist.]

Don’t do that!

Female voice: Each of these delectable black Americans is identified right on the box along with their indulgent flavor.

Leslie: Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I have a cream?

[Cut to Alex and Sasheer]

Alex: [eating one chocolate] It’s peanut-butter. Wonder–

Sasheer: It’s George Washington.

Alex: George Washington Carver. Nailed it.

Female voice: From the fiery cayenne-infused caramel of Malcolm X to the airy marshmallow of Dizzy Gillespie.

[Cut to Leslie and Alec]

Leslie: Babe, they got a Bill clinton in here?

Female voice: Show her you love her and her culture, with Russell Stover’s black history heart-shaped box. Russell Stover, re we doing this right?

Pitch Meeting

Cecily Strong

Alex Moffat

Alec Baldwin

Melissa Villaseñor

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a meeting at Cheetos office]

Cecily: Thank you all so much for coming in today. There were so many amazing commercials at the Super Bowl this year. And we are really looking to step our game.

Alex: Yeah. we can’t wait to see what you’ve come up with for Cheetos.

Alec: Well, it’s an honor just to pitch.

Melissa: Yes, thank you for having us.

Cecily: Right. Well, whenever you’re ready, we will start with the team from Murphy and Kennedy.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: [speaking on mic] We open on a little immigrant girl. She’s dusty. She’s tired. She’s come a long way.

Aidy: She looks up and sees a wall. How will she get over it?

Alec: A boy appears at the top. He throws down a rope. The rope is made from American flags.

Aidy: The girl climbs the rope. She sees her new country for the first time, and she cries.

Alec: Hard cut. Cheetos.

Cecily: Wow! I love that.

Alex: It’s important. It’s now. It’s Cheetos.

Cecily: Alright, A.K. Foster, you’re up.

[Kyle turns on music]

Kyle: Okay, so we open on a bunch of kids in the minivan.

Melissa: They’re roughhousing. They’re playing around.

Kyle: And their mom’s like, “Hey, what is going on back there?”

Melissa: And they’re like, “Just eating Cheetos, mom!”

Kyle: Cut to, Cheetos.

Cecily: [looking unimpressed] Hah! Okay.

Alex: I’m not really sure what the message of the ad is, but maybe–

Melissa: I think it’s like, “Eat Cheetos. They’re good.”

Cecily: Yeah, right. Okay. You know what? Let’s just hear another pitch from Murphy and Kennedy, maybe.

Aidy: Oh, absolutely.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: We open on a Mexican person wearing a sombrero. He takes it off. Underneath is a Muslim woman.

Aidy: The Muslim woman takes off her hijab, underneath is a Jewish person.

Alec: The Jewish person takes off his yamika, underneath is a Cheeto.

Aidy: Hard cut, we are one.

Alec: Harder cut, Cheetos.

Cecily: God, I love that. You know what? But, I’m worried that feels more like a Twix commercial.

Alex: Yeah. I actually saw Excederin do something very similar.

Cecily: Yeah, okay. You know what? Let’s take another pitch from A.K. foster.

Melissa: Right. Okay.

[Kyle turns on music]

Open on a bunch of friends hanging out.

Kyle: Suddenly, Chester the cheetah skateboards in and is like, “How about some Cheetos?”

Melissa: The kids cheer. Cut to Cheetos.

Cecily: I’m sorry. I just– I so don’t recognize the world you’re describing.

Alec: This is so embarrassing, but we also had a Chester the cheetah idea.

Cecily: No, that’s okay. Go ahead.

[Aidy turns on music]

Alec: We open on Chester the cheetah. He has gauze around his chest where his new breasts are.

Aidy: Chester now identifies as Danielle the cheetah.

Alec: One of her cheetah friends enter the room. She is scared she will be judged.

Aidy: But the friend cheetah looks at Danielle and she simply says, “You’re beautiful.”

Alec: Hard cut. Cheetos.

[Cecily and Alex have tears in their eyes]

Cecily: [breaking voice] Wow! I am absolutely starving for a Cheeto right now.

Melissa: Wait, you like that?

Cecily: Yes. It shines a light on transgender issues.

Kyle: But it’s a cartoon cheetah. It just kind of feels like you’re using that issue to sell Cheetos.

Cecily: No! Not true. We care about that issue because there is a guy in our office whose son is transgender. Oh wait. [asking Alex] Is he trans or adopted?

Alex: Adopted.

Cecily: That’s right. Coz we don’t know anyone trans, right? And that is the problem.

Aidy: You know, we have one more pitch if there’s time.

Alex: By all means.

[music playing]

Alec: We open on real people. No actors, no make up, no lines, no lights, no props, no costumes, no cameras, no Cheetos. Hard cut.

Aidy: Cheetos!

[Cecily and Alex are clapping]

Cecily: I am– I am– I can’t. That’s incredible.

Kyle: Okay. Okay. I think we get it now. We know just what you’re looking for.

Melissa: Absolutely. [Kyle turns on music] We open on the Twin Towers.

Cecily and Alex: No! No!

Gym Class

Coach… Alec Baldwin

Max… Alex Moffat

Doug… Mikey Day

Sue… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Coach helping Max to do his sit-ups.]

Coach: Ten seconds left, Max. You’re not going to beat the school record at this pace.

Friends: Come on, Max. You can do it.

Max: Argh! [fails] I can’t do it.

Coach: Oh, sorry Max, good effort. Do we have any other challengers?

Doug: Um, I could try, coach. I know I’m not like a Max level athlete, but I’d like to try.

Coach: Now, that’s what I like to hear. Get down here, Doug. Big cheer for Doug. Let’s hear it.

Friends: Go Doug! You’re the man.

Coach: You call can learn a thing or two form Doug here. Stepping up to the plate by challenging yourself. Alright now, Doug, [holds Doug’s feet] don’t worry about the count. All of your focus should be on pushing your body to its limits.

Doug: I know, coach. I’m ready.

Coach: Okay. One minute on the clock, Sue.

Sue: Yeah.

Doug: And hey, coach, thanks for believing in me. Not just for this, but for everything.
Coach: You’re welcome, Doug. Let’s see if you can break the school record. Ready, set, go!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups but with ever sit-up he is farting loud]

Good pace. [he is farting even louder] Don’t slow down. You got this. Cheer him on, guys. Cheer him on.

Doug: I need a break!

Coach: No way, Doug. YOu’re not allowed to quit. Not when you’re this close. Push it! Power through!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups again, with long farts]

Three more.

Two more.

Last one.

My god, he did it! Doug broke the school record!

[The friends aren’t cheering as they’re disgusted]

Doug: Wow! I couldn’t have done it without you, coach.

Coach: Oh, now you’re going to be a legend in this school. I’m telling you. Hey, I bet you guys are never gonna forget the day, and you’ll tell everybody of the day you saw Doug do this here. Right?

Sue: We will literally never forget.

[school bell ringing]

Coach: Alright, good work today, everyone. Good work. [whispering to Doug] And I think you might have let out a little toot back there, Doug, but don’t worry. I don’t think any of the girls heard it.

Drill Sergeant

Drill Sergeant… Beck Bennett

Soldier Larson… Mikey Day

Colonel Larson… Alec Baldwin

Alex Moffat

Mom… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Drill Sergeant preparing his soldiers for inspection]

Drill Sergeant: Big day, C Company. Colonel Larson is on base for inspections. so you maggots better look alive. That includes you, Larson. You think just because your dad is a colonel, you can get away with a bed corner like that?

Larson: No drill sergeant!

Drill Sergeant: You are damn, right, Larson. No one gets a free pass here. No matter who your daddy is. Do I make myself clear?

Soldiers: Yes, drill sergeant.

Drill Sergeant: Attention. [Colonel walks in] Colonel larson in the bunk.

Colonel: Well, the infamous C Company. There is a rumor going around that you are the sorriest, laziest group of recruits on the base and I started that rumor. Gizmo course time, horrendous target mark, and an attitude that stinks worse than the outhouse in a chili cookout. Chilly cook out on that, dammit? [yelling at Alex’s ears] Chilly cook out, I said! Not a single one of you is fit to be a soldier in my army. [to his son] God, you look so handsome in the uniform, son. I’m so proud of you.

Larson: Dad, stop.

Drill Sergeant: Sir, I apologize for the state of my recruits.

Colonel: Not your fault, sergeant! It’s theirs. [yelling] These sacks of dog crap came here to become lean, mean, fighting machines. But all I see is scared littler girls. Scared little girls. And no one, not one is a brave man. [to his son] Except you. You’re my brave little man.

Larson: Dad, I beg you to stop.

Colonel: [yelling] Now you maggots drop and do pushups until you puke blood, you hear me?

Soldier: Sir, yes sir!

[All the soldiers start their pushups]

One, two, three, four, five, six…

[Colonel is shaking a paper fan for his son]

Larson: I don’t need that .Dad stop.

Colonel: [yelling] Alright, on your feet. [Soldiers stand] You call them pushups? What’s wrong with you? You got a wand up your ass, Harry Potter?

Peter: Sir, no sir.

[Larson laughs]

Colonel: Who the hell just laughed? Well, well, well. A couple of jokers laughing it up. [to Alex] You two friends or something?

Alex: Sir, yes sir.

Colonel: So is making friends okay?

Alex: Yes, yes, sir.

Colonel: [asking about his son] He’s not doing his shy thing where he’s quiet in big groups?

Alex: Sir, no sir.

Colonel: Good.

Alex: He’s adjusting great.

Colonel: Fantastic. Now what was your time on the rope course, princess?

Alex: 2.13, sir.

Colonel: Pathetic. [walks to Peter] And you, four eyes, what is your marksmanship grades?

Peter: Satisfactory sir!

Colonel: Pitiful! Larson, I hear you have a birth date coming up and your mothe wants to know where you want to have your dinner!

Larson: Sir, cheesecake factory, sir!

Colonel: Excellent choice. Huge menu, something for everyone, well done, Larson. God, I can’t believe you’re turning 21, son. Remember that song they used to sing to you during bath time? Remember?

[singing] Don’t go peepee in the bathtub
coz peepee goes in the…

Larson: Potty.

Drill Sergeant: Sir, to teach them some discipline, I believe C Company should do double PT and train duty until further notice.

Colonel: That’s a start. But I don’t think any of these soft bodies could be like my father. [yelling] He was a real soldier. Something none of you maggots have a prayer of becoming. [to Larson] Even though you look exactly like him in that uniform. [sobbing]

Drill Sergeant: Um, yeah. So, C Company, take a lap around the base perimeter and think about if you really want to be here. Go! Go! Go! Go!

[The soldiers start jogging]

Colonel: Larson! Wait! My commanding officer wants to have a word with you.

Larson: Really?

Colonel: Yes. So look sharp. Aten-hut!

[Larson’s mother walks in]

Mother: Aw, my little baby looks so handsome.

Larson: Hey, om.

Colonel: And he made a friend.

Mother: Okay, hey, Mr. Popular.

Celebrity Family Feud- Super Bowl Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Samuel L. Jackson… Leslie Jones

Paula Deen… Aidy Bryant

Roger Goodell… Beck Bennett

Gisele Bundchen… Kristen Stewart

Bill Belichick… Bobby Moynihan

Casey Affleck… Alex Moffat

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “Family Feud: Super Bowl edition.” Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay, ow, welcome to “Celebrity Family Feud.” Now, in honor of my meeting with Donald Trump, I’m wearing a Trump tie. Trump tie ties so long they put a little tickle in your pickle. Now, this is the Super Bowl edition so we bot celebrity New England Patriot fans taking on celebrity Atlanta Falcons fans. And on the Atlanta side, first up is Falcons fans and little musical rascal, Justin Bieber.

[Cut to Justin Bieber]

Justin Bieber: Um, yeah. What’s up Steve. I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m not bad no more. Um, but I can still do this. [starts jumping around]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, okay. Next we got the official voice of the Falcons, Samuel L. Jackson

[Cut to Samuel L. Jackson]

Samuel L. Jackson: It’s about time we got these mother flipping Falcons in the mother flipping Super Bowl

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Umm, I don’t know, there’s something different about you, Samuel L. Jackson. Okay, next, we got the most famous Chef in Georgia and America’s leading cause of diabetes, Paula Deen.

[Cut to Paula Deen]

Paula Deen: Yeah, I love the Super Bowl. While the boys are throwing around the old pig skin, I’m going to cook a pig skin and serve it with a side of cheesy Fajiddles.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Alright. Finally on the Falcon side, the man who suspended Tom Brady for deflate-gate, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Hello, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Now wait, you really a Falcons fan?

[Cut to Roger Goodell]

Roger Goodell: Absolutely. Love the Falcons. Doesn’t have anything to do with not wanting to give the Super Bowl trophy to Tom Brady.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, man! You’re going to be watching the game with the same face Obama had while watching this year’s election. Just like, [making serious face]. Alright, over on the Patriots side, first up we got Brazilian supermodel and Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen.

[Cut to Gisele Bundchen]

Gisele Bundchen: I love the American Super Bowl where millions of people come together to watch TV and teat this garbage.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You know, your name sounds like what my underwear be doing sometimes. Gisele Bundchen. Next up, we got a successful millionaire who dresses like a seventh grade boy. The Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: Good evening, Steve. We’re having fun here, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bill, cheer up, man! You’ve won six super bowls and I have never seen you laugh. Give me a laugh, Bill, come on.

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

Bill Belichick: [trying to laugh] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I’m sorry I asked. Alright, next, we got an actor from Massachusetts and a Oscar favorite, Casey Affleck.

[Cut to Casey Affleck]

Casey Affleck: Um, how are you doing, Steve? I, uh, I’m doing good. I guess excited for the Super Bowl. Um, go Pats and all, right?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god, you like the first half of commercial for anti-depressants. And finally, this year’s Super Bowl halftime performer, Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you, Steve. [singing] I got a million reasons my halftime show will rock

They said I can’t be political. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna. [winks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Seeing you before the football fans is going to be like Toby Keith hosting the Tonys. Let’s play a game. Give me Gisele, give me Justin, let’s get on up here.

[Justin Bieber and Gisele Bundchen walk to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Justin Bieber: [to Gisele Bundchen] Hey girl. Um, how you doing? Hmm? [trying to do a cool pose]

Steve Harvey: Justin, I got some bad news for you, player. that don’t work on women that’s grown. Alright, top six answers are on the board. The Super Bowl is Sunday. Name one thing that you take to a party. [buzzer] Gisele.

Gisele Bundchen: Cachaca and caipariniahs.

Steve Harvey: Now what you say about Sasha and Malia?

Gisele Bundchen: No. No, I said cachaca and capriniah. They’re drinks. Two of them?

Steve Harvey: You know, I don’t know what you’re saying but you look good saying it. Show me, goulashes and capers!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, I’m sorry, they’re not up here. Um, Justin, what you bring to a party?

Justin Bieber: Um, Steve, I don’t party as much because I’m a man now. I got like five little moustache hairs and I’m bringing them all for you, girl. But when I do party, I’ma bring my signature cocktail.

Steve Harvey: Oh, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Show me juice box!

[There is ‘beverages’ in answer board]

Ay! Number six answer. Okay, alright, the Falcon fans have the board. [Steve Harvey walks to team Falcon] Alright, Samuel L. Jackson, something that you bring to a party.

Samuel L. Jackson: Why do I got to bring something? You invited me. That’s a stupid ass question and I hope you burn in hell!

Steve Harvey: Um, look here. I don’t know who brought you up in here. But I”m watching you. Yeah, okay, Paula Deen, give me something that you bring to a party.

Paula Deen: Well, yeah, a party’s gotta have food so I’ma bring my famous seven-layer cheese dip. It’s cheese, then beans, then cheese, then farts, then beans and cheese.

Steve Harvey: Man, you like if Michelle Obama had an opposite person. Show me, bring some extra febreze!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Sorry, two strikes. On to Roger Goodell, something that you bring to a party.

Roger Goodell: Oh, I love to party. Just you and a dozen lawyers in a luxury box just getting turnt. Turnt up.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, that’s a great answer. ON behalf of all the players in the NFL, this is dedicated to you. [wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, alright, Patriots fans got a chance to steal. [Steve Harvey walks to team Patriots] Something that you take to a party, give me some answers.

Lady Gaga: Dwarves.

Bill Belichick: Hoodies, maybe?

Steve Harvey: Great answers there but Gisele, it is up to you. What do you take to a party?

Gisele Bundchen: Steve, a party is being together. I’ll say the beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me some nonesense!

[right answer bell. The answer board has “The beautiful spirit of togetherness that makes us all part of the tapestry of humanity” as number one answer.]

Ay! Man! That was the number one answer! My lord. How did that happen?

[Cut to Bill Belichick smiling and using a computer.]Wait! Bill Belichick, did you hack the board?

[Bill Belichick laughing weirdly]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sneaky old fool. Let’s go to commercial. When we come back, I’ll tell you the name of the tiny little elf that hides in my moustache. We’ll see you later.

Oval Office Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

David… Kyle Mooney

Steve Bannon

Malcolm Turnbull… Beck Bennett

Enrique Peña Nieto… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Mate McKinnon

Emmerson Mnangagwa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Donald Trump in the oval office]

[cheers and applause]

[David walks in]

David: Excuse me, Mr. President, I’m heading home for the night. Can I get you anything?

Donald Trump: No, thank you, David. But hey, how do you like working at the White House? Are your parents proud?

David: I tell them I work at Applebee’s.

Donald Trump: That’s great. One more thing, you know I love my daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared. They always keep me so calm and make sure I don’t do anything too crazy.

David: That’s true, sir.

Donald Trump: So, quick question, are they gone?

David: Yes, they don’t work on shabbat.

Donald Trump: Perfect. When the Jews are away, the goys will play. So send in Steve Bannon.

[David walks out]

[creepy music playing and a grim reaper walks in. He is Steve Bannon.]

Steve Bannon: Hello, Donald. I have arrived.

Donald Trump: Hi Steve, you look rested.

Steve Bannon: Thank you.

Donald Trump: Not me. I’ve had a long day. I’m tired and cranky. And I feel like I could just freak out on somebody.

Steve Bannon: Then maybe you should call Australia.

Donald Trump: Really? I mean, I haven’t been briefed or anything. But, what could go wrong? Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Malcolm Turnbull]

Malcolm Turnbull: Hello, primi Minister Turnbull.

Donald Trump: Yes, hello. It’s the Donald.

Malcolm Turnbull: President Trump. How are you? I hear there’s been a lot of blowback over your Muslim ban.

Donald Trump: No there wasn’t. Everyone loves it. We had to do it because of that huge massacre at bowling green.

Malcolm Turnbull: Never heard of that one.

Donald Trump: Yeah, it was horrible. So many people died, but actually, they’re the lucky ones. They don’t have to see how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten.

Malcolm Turnbull: Well, Mr. Trump, thank you for still accepting our refugees.

Donald Trump: Homie say what?

Malcolm Turnbull: President Obama said America would accept 1,200 refugees. Your country’s compassion will not be forgotten.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. NO, refugees. America first, Australia sucks, your reef is failing, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Malcolm Turnbull: Wait, wait, what?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Steve, I think that went bad. Was that bad?

Steve Bannon: No, it went just according to plan.

Donald Trump: Whose plan? Your plan?

Steve Bannon: No, your plan.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Good. Let’s call Mexico. I figured out a smart diplomatic way to get them to pay for this wall.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call]

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ola, President Peña Nieto.

Donald Trump: Guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: No, guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: NO, no, you have to say “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ha-ha-ha. You said “What”, you’re going to pay for the wall.

Donald Trump: No way, you’re paying, loser! You’re bad hombre. Here come our tanks. Prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Hey, Steve, I’m getting too worked up, maybe I should stop.

Steve Bannon: Or, maybe you should call Germany.

Donald Trump: Okay.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Hello? Is this my sweet Barack? Barack Obama, I miss you.

Donald Trump: No, it’s Donald Trump.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Gross. Hi, Donald. Are your people still protesting?

Donald Trump: Yes, everyone is marching in the street, they’re so upset about how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten. But I’m feeling great. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with very important up and comer. His name is Frederick Douglas.  I’m trying to get hold of him right now. He’s very busy though.

Angela Merkel: Um-hmm. Well, that’s very cool, Donald. I think I should– I have to go.

Donald Trump: Also, I want to be serious for just a moment. Last week, it was holocaust remembrance day. As you know, 6 million were at my inauguration. I mean, there were so many people at my inauguration, the media refuses to cover it, so unfair. One day I’m going to write a memoir about this struggle and call it ‘My Struggle.’ What would that be in German? Angela?

Angela Merkel: It’s actually Angela (An-Gel-la).

Donald Trump: what?

Angela Merkel: My name is Angela.

Donald Trump: No, no, don’t correct me. I’m in charge now, Germany sucks, your wall failed, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone.]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Good. That was hilarious.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Oh, I just had a great idea, watch this.

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello?

Donald Trump: Hello, congratulations, you’ve won a free cruise for tour to Hawaii. All you need is your country’s credit card number.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: We’re not paying for the wall, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes, you are!

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve, all of our so-called allies are being so mean to me.

Steve Bannon: Why don’t you call some random little country, show them who’s the boss?

Donald Trump: What about Zimbabwe?

Steve Bannon: Perfect! Show them the might of America!

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Emmerson Mnangagwa]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello.

Donald Trump: Zimbabwe, this is new sheriff in town.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Wait, is this Donald Trump?

Donald Trump: Yes.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: You think you are dictator? I will rip out your spine and drink from your skull. You cannot even walk downstairs you little white bitch! Don’t you ever call Zimbabwe again.

[Emmerson Mnangagwa hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Okay, Donald. That’s enough fun for tonight. Can I have my desk back?

Donald Trump: Yes, of course, Mr. President. I’ll go sit at my desk, yeah.

[Donald Trump leaves the president’s seat for Steve Bannon]

[Donald Trump sits at a little desk that’s beside president’s desk]

[Donald Trump is playing with toys]

So much fun, I love it.

Steve Bannon: Yeah, this is fun. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!