Tag: Alex Moffat

Rap Song

Big Chris… Kenan Thompson

Shantasia… Sasheer amata

Young Bitch… Pete Davidson

Prinsexxxy… Leslie Jones

Sno’Cone… Mikey Day

Sloppy Moses… Kyle Mooney

Marci Jamz… Melissa Villaseñor

King Keef… Dwayne Johnson

Lil’ Nitwit… Alex Moffat

2 Black Guyz… Colin Jost, Michael Che

Hawt Clown… Cecily Strong

Pregnasty… Kate McKinnon

Skiffle… Bobby Moynihan

Katy Perry

Kathleen Bell… Aidy Bryant

Essentially Simon… Beck Bennett

David S. Pimkskins… Tom Hanks

Dat Snatch*… Vanessa Bayer

[Music video starts with Big Chris in the intro]

[music playing]

Big Chris: Uh! This that new track. New money crew. Cash Stack Records. Represent, Big Chris.

Shantasia: With Shantasia. Ha-ha.

Young Bitch: Featuring your boy, Young Bitch!

Big Chris: Here we go, uh! Yo…

Prinsexxxy: Prinsexxxy on the track.

[Big Chris is looking around getting confused]

Holding it down.

Sno’Cone: With Sno’Cone.

Big Chris: Yeah, they up on this track too. Y’all never heard this many MCs. Here we go. Yo…

Sloppy Moses: Sloppy Moses also part of this.

[Big Chris is annoyed]

Bring it down, West Coast!

Big Chris: Um, him too. And that’s more than enough now. Yeah, Big Chris.

Shantasia: Shantasia.

Young Bitch: Young Bitch.

Prinsexxxy: With Prinsexxxy.

Big Chris: Whole lot of people.

Sno’Cone: Sno’Cone!

Marci Jamz: Marci Jamz.

Sloppy Moses: It’s Sloppy Moses.

Big Chris: And then we cut it off there. Uh! Yeah. I mean, we more than covered on this particular track. And yo! Don’t think I ain’t notice you trying to fly under the radar Marci Jamz!

Sno’Cone: New Money Crew roll deep.

Big Chris: I mean, maybe too deep? I don’t know!

King Keef: Featuring King Keef.

Big Chris: No! This track is full, man! There ain’t no vacancy, B!

King Keef: King Keef does not accept that. Brought the whole Hoodlum squad to this track!

Sno’Cone: Hoodlums!

King Keef: Where you at, Lil’ Nitwit?

Lil’ Nitwit: Keep it greasy, y’all!

Big Chris: What happened there?

2 Black Guyz: With 2 Black Guyz.

Big Chris: Bad name!

Hawt Clown: Hey, Hawt Clown!

Big Chris: Ah, [bleep]

Hawt Clown: You know what it is.

Pregnasty: Gucci girl, Pregnasty!

Big Chris: No!

Skiffle: And y’all, don’t forget about your boy Skiffle! Bow-yaka-yaka.

Sloppy Moses: Ah!

King Keef: Oh! Skiffle!

Big Chris: Yo! Definitely ain’t no room for Skiffle.

King Keef: Yo, Skiffle, sing!

Katy Perry: And you know, Katy Perry on the track!

Kathleen Bell: With Kathleen Bell.

Big Chris: Aite, maybe not Kathleen Bell.

Kathleen Bell: [singing] Here we go, new music.

Essentially Simon: Essentially Simon, modern day witch. Bringing those new musings like nothing’s more dangerous than a genius with money.

Big Chris: Whatever! Anybody else?

David S. Pimpkins: David S. Pimkskins! [cheers and applause]

Big Chris: No!

King Keef: Yes!

Big Chris: Alright, everybody could say, you know, let’s just keep it orderly. Find a place to pop in, alright? Here we go. Big Chris on the mic like–

[All the rappers are rapping simultaneously. It’s noisy and doesn’t make sense.]

Stop! Stop! that did not work! It’s like I feel there’s too many people on this track. I’m sorry, y’all.

Dat Snatch*: Dat Snatch* out! Peace!

Big Chris: Yo! Who dis?

David S. Pimpkins: Any questions?

[The End]

Donald Trump Hallelujah

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. …Mikey Day

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johannson

[Starts with Donald Trump playing piano in stage]

Donald Trump: [singing] I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?

[Kellyanne Conway joins Donald Trump]

Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift

[Mike Pence walks in and joins]

All: The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. join]

All: Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya

[Sarah Huckabee and Steve Bannon as grim reaper join]

All: And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump join]

All: I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’m not giving up because I didn’t do anything wrong. [Donald Trump looks around] But I can’t speak for these people.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

The Handmaid’s Tale

Chris Pine

Mikey Day

Ash… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

David… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of women wearing red robe.]
Female voice: In the not too distant future, the world is at dystopia. Women are enslaved. We have no rights and no freedoms. [people are riotting] Forced by an oppressive government to bear children under penalty of death. My name of Off-red and I intend to survive.

[Cut to ‘Hulu Original: The Handmaid’s Tale’ video bumper]

[Cut to four women meet. It’s raining]

Ash: Pleased to be the fruit.

Cecily: May the lord open.

All: Under his eye.

[they start walking]

Ash: I have a news. There is a resistance forming. We could join them.

Sasheer: It’s too dangerous.
Cecily: Shh, someone is coming.

[Chris and Mikey walk in]

Chris: Hey, Ash, what’s up?

Mikey: Ash, Jen. Girl squad, man. What the frick is up?

Chris: You guys supposed to be singing on my half birthday. What did you do? Fight? Or what?

Cecily: Do you not know? It’s the republic. Everything is different now.

Chris: Different? How?

Vanessa: We’re hand maids.

Chris: Huh?

Sasheer: The government subjugated the women.

Chris: Looted?

Ash: They took our money and our jobs and our kids.

[Chris and Mikey are wondering about it]

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

Chris: I think I actually read something about that. But I’ve been super busy with work lately.

Ash: Please, leave us.

Sasheer: They see us talking to you, we will be punished.

Mikey: That sucks. You guys should like, fight back.

Chris: My dad is a lawyer. He could help you out. I mean, he mostly does entertainment law. But I’m sure he knows someone good. Just drop an email.

Sasheer: We can’t.

Chris: Okay. Sorry for helping. Ha-ha.

Vanessa: We need to go, Daniel.

Mikey: Actually, her name is Ash.

Ash: No, it’s “of Daniel.” I’m his property now.

Mikey: Wait, Daniel? Yo! That guy is like super conservative now. You should leave.

Ash: Yeah, I can’t.

Mikey: Hey! Yes, you can.

Chris: Bro! David?

[David walks in]

David: Hey!

Mikey: No way!

Cecily: Lower your voice.

Chris: How have you been?

David: Oh, the girl squad. Ah, J town. What’s different about you?

[Vanessa doesn’t have one eye.]

Chris: Oh, David, I don’t know if you’ve heard about this thing about women. It sucks.

David: Oh, yeah. I heard a little something about that. Didn’t know if it was for sure happening. Is there a protest or something?

Sasheer: Yes. Several years ago.

David: Argh! Yeah, I meant to go to that.

[Alert alarm goes on]

Vanessa: Oh, no! It’s too late.

Cecily: They found us.

[Kyle runs in with a gun]

Kyle: [shouting] Freeze! What? Girl squad? Ash, where you been? You missed peace in the park. Okay, this is gonna sound awkward, but I got to take you to the government prison to torture you or whatever. But after that, a bunch of us are going to play tipsy-pop-pop. So, y’all should come through.

[Two men take the girls away]

Chris: How much you wanna bet they don’t even come?

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to ‘Hulu Original: The Handmaid’s Tale’ video bumper]

Male voice: The Handmaid’s Tale, only on Hulu. See Netflix? We have one too.

Star Trek Lost Episode

Neil deGrasse Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Uhuru… Sasheer Zamata

Captain… Chris Pine

Scotty… Beck Bennett

Spock… Kyle Mooney

Spocko… Bobby Moynihan

Alex Moffat

[Starts with TV Land Future Classics intro]

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson in his set]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Good evening. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson. My vest has suns on it.  I think that is so cool. In 1966, a series called Star Trek would chance television forever, but in its third and final season, the quality faded quicker than the solstice moon. [laughing at his own jokes awkwardly] Sorry. Science makes me silly. Before cancellation, several Star Trek episodes were shot but never aired until now. What follows the first look at episode 81, “Spock’s Secret.”

[Cut to the scene from the episode.]

Uhuru: Captain, the Romulan’s home planet has weakened our systems. Shields are barely holding.

Captain: God, they’re completely shutting us down. Scotty, can we return fire with photon torpedoes?

Scotty: I’m trying my best, captain, but we’ve got a malfunction in the plasmic core system.

Captain: Spock, can you fix it?

Spock: Negative, captain. I’m not familiar with the mechanics of plasma systems, but I do know someone who is… my brother.

Captain: You have a brother?

Spock: A half brother, captain. A citizen of the planet Vulcan who’s one of the academy’s best engineers.

Captain: Well, by all means, send him up.

[Spocko walks in]

Spocko: Hey, how you doing? My name’s Spocko! Reporting for duty over here. I was in the wrong hallway. I opened the door, I almost got sucked out into space. Now, that’s a ‘Star Trek.’

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Spocko was played by actor and nightclub crooner Sal Delabate. In 1968, Delabate’s song, ‘Pizza beach’ was big hit on the dance charts. Producers were trying to appeal to a far out audience. So, in a ratings grab, Spocko was created.

[Cut to the episode]

Captain: Spocko, are you two actually related?

Spock: Yes, captain. My father ambassador Sarek had a child with a human school teacher who is my mother, but he also fathered a son with an earth woman who worked as a hostess at Mama Guchioni’s family style bistro in ‘Queens, New York.’ That’s Spocko.

Spocko: Yeah. That’s me. That’s Spocko. Come on!

Alex: Captain, I’m not sure I trust this man to repair our ship.

Sulu: Yeah. We’ve never seen him before. It’s weird.

Spocko: Oh, come on, Sulu, don’t be illogical over here. What are you doing?

Captain: I’m sorry, but we’ve got no other choice. Romulus could fire at any moment. Spocko, give it your best shot.

Spocko: Alright. NO problem. [Spocko starts walking around looking for the problem. He is limping.] Now, what’s this here? You got a problem with your plasma core or something?

Scotty: I think it’s a distorted wake pattern.

Spocko: Ah, well, hold on. Let me just get my tools here. Let me just scoot right through here. Need my little machine. Alright, let’s get this puppy open And here we go. [Spocko pulls out a whole system cover. It’s smoking inside.] Yeah. Looks like you got fourteen MCFS ionized gas over here. You konw? that’s your problem.

Uhuru: Excellent diagnosis, Spocko.

Spocko: Ooh! Thank you, Uhuru. He-he-he. You know, look, I’m a Vulcan but I’m very direct sometimes and I got to say, I want to take a big nice bite of that nice bit juicy butt of your’s. Now, that’s a Star Trek.

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson:

Wow! A lot to unpack there. You’re probably wondering about the walk. Sal Delabate was living in the back of a bar at the time. And he had a rare medical condition from eating no solid food except pearl onions and shaved ice. After Sal sexually harassed Uhuru played by Nichelle Nichols, producers knew this episode would never air and they let Delabate do whatever he wanted. Take a look.

[Cut to the episode]

Captain: Captain’s log. Star date 45, 21.4. Systems are up and running. All thanks to a Vulcan from Queens with strange jelly bones. The important thing is my crew is safe.

Spocko: Hey! Live long and party, captain. Set a course for ‘Pizza Beach’.

[music playing]

All: [singing] There’s a special kind of beach
where all the cool kids go
order a set of my pizza
welcome to the Pizza Beach

Now, that’s a pizza!

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Yes. I know it was a disaster. But it was still better than “Star Trek, 5 the Final Frontier.” Oh, set your phasers to, “Oh snap.” That’s a trekky burn. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson and I’ll see you, this is so exciting, in the future.

Spocko: Now, that’s a Star Trek.

Morning Joe

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborougn… Alex Moffat

Mike Barnicle… Bobby Moynihan

Mark Halperin… Beck Bennett

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

[Starts with ‘Morning Joe’ intro]

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Mika Brzezinski: Good Morning.

Joe Scarborougn: How are you doing?

Mika Brzezinski: Good morning. That’s “Rock n’ roll all night” by Kiss.

Joe Scarborougn: Great song.

Mika Brzezinski: If you’re listening to loud classic rock followed by the most casual of political conversations, it must be ‘Morning Joe’.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, guys, they did it. Okay? The house has passed their healthcare plan which might take health insurance away from twentyfour million Americans. Many of them are swing voters in twentyeighteen, if morality doesn’t matter to them, maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: I mean maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe pure politics should?

Mika Brzezinski: I mean, it’s crazy.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika’s over.

Mika Brzezinski: I am. I’m up it. I’m over it. I’m past it. I’m in the driveway. The car is running. This part– this party– your party, republican party is–

Joe Scarborougn: Watch it.

Mika Brzezinski: — is completely morally bankrupt.

Joe Scarborougn: Oh, Mika!

Mika Brzezinski: I’ll just point. No–

Joe Scarborougn: That’s enough. Okay? You’re being sneaky because you know what pushes my button.

Mika Brzezinski: [looking at Joe Scarborougn] Does that? Push your buttons?

Joe Scarborougn: It does. [both looks to the camera] Mike Barnicle, what is going on with this bill?

[Cut to Mike Barnicle. He’s looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock]

Mike Barnicle: Ah, I don’t know what’s going on. This bill– This bill is puzzling.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, Mike. Congress doesn’t even have a CVO score on this. Is this just about– Is this just about getting a win? I mean there’s a lot of people with pre-existing conditions who are probably just furious right now.

Mika Brzezinski: Like, C-section.

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah.

Mika Brzezinski: A C-section is a pre-existing condition. And you know what’s not a pre-existing condition? Erectile dysfunction.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold on.

Mika Brzezinski: And isn’t that–

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, here we go. Mika, you’re being dramatic.

Mika Brzezinski: No, but here’s what I’m being.

Joe Scarborougn: Ay, Mika mouse, Mika mouse, you’re being a little stinker–

Mika Brzezinski: But let me finish.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re being a little stinker.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m not being a stinker.

Joe Scarborougn: Hey! Mika-boo.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn have come very close to each other.]

Mika Brzezinski: Am I being a stinker?

Joe Scarborougn: Yes, you’re being a stinker and it’s not gonna work.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah?

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn are about to kiss, but they pause and look at camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Mark Halperin, the senate can’t be pleased at the house just threw this in their lap. I mean, what is their relationship like now?

[Cut to Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with disgust.]

Mark Halperin: What is their relationship like? Confusing.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Willie Geist, what do you see in here?

[Cut to Willie Geist]

Willie Geist: Um, what am I seeing here? I have no idea. I have so many unanswered questions.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, what about Trump? He hasn’t read the bill.

Mika Brzezinski: I can’t.

Joe Scarborougn: And back during the election–

Mika Brzezinski: I won’t.

Joe Scarborougn: Trump called into our show but he doesn’t do it anymore because he just shut himself off from anyone who can challenge him.

Mika Brzezinski: It’s sad. It’s sad but it’s true. And for some insight into this, we’re gonna talk to a man who says he’s with Trump every single day on the phone. We have a publicist named John Miller live from the Whitehouse.

Joe Scarborougn: Terrific.

Male voice: Hello, Joe, Mica, this is John Miller. [it’s the voice of Donald Trump] I’m sort of a new here.

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, glad to finally hear from you, Mr. Miller.

Male voice: First, I wanna wish everyone a happy Cinco de Mayo which is the day all Mexicans eat a sink full of mayonnaise.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Miller. Do you work in the White House?

Male voice: I do. Yes. I do. I work very hard. So, incredibly hard. Mika, I’m just celebrating the fantastic success we had with congress yesterday. After congress voted, we had a party. There was bill, a disaster that Obamacare has finally been repealed

Joe Scarborougn: Hold on, sir. It’s not repealed yet. The bill still has to pass the senate.

Male voice: What now?

Joe Scarborougn: The bill goes through the senate. They might even re-write the entire thing if they pass it at all.

Male voice: But there was beer.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Mlller, the bill has a long way to go. So, it seems a little premature to celebrate.

Male voice: You know what? We’re going to look into this. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye. [hangs up]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay.

Mika Brzezinski: Here’s what I want to say. Don’t stop me.

Joe Scarborougn: Go ahead.

Mika Brzezinski: The president is mentally ill.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold–

Mika Brzezinski: He has entered a state of psychosis.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika! Mika! You’re being naughty. Okay? You’re being very naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, I am being naughty?

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, you’re being real naughty.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn start getting close to each other again]

Mika Brzezinski: Why don’t you stop me?

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe you need some of the punishing for being naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m a bad journalist.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re not a bad journalist. You’re a bad kitty.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow.

[Mika Brzezinski bites Joe Scarborougn’s nose.]

[Cut to Mike Barnicle and Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock.]

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn. They look to the camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Alright. We’re gonna address the elephant in the room.

Mika Brzezinski: Let’s! [inhales heavily]

Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Sully and Denise (Rachel Dratch)

Alex Moffat

Sully… Jimmy Fallon

Denise… Rachel Dratch

Cecily Strong

Little Denise… Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a video recorded by a camera phone. Alex is speaking.]

Alex: So, this is Straus hall originally built in 1926. It has been home to such notable alums as Burroughs and chief justice John Roberts

Sully: I remember my childhood habit. I showed up for a medical experiment. I slept for three days. They paid me $3.

Denise: Wicked pissa! This place is beautiful. It’s like Hogwarts with more asians.

Sully: I would be Gryffindor.

Denise: Your are Hufflepuff and you know it.

Sully: You are.

[Sully and Denise start making out]

Alex: Great! Um, does anybody have any questions?

Cecily: Oh, yes. what percentage of freshman live on campus?

Sully: Also, is there an in-house Dunkin?

Denise: Yeah. I’m in dire need of a butter can Dunkinccino.

Alex: I’m sorry, folks. Who are you?

Sully: Um, my name is Patt Solven. This is my girl Denise.

Denise: Call me Zaa-Zoo. Unless I’m at work, in which case, call me doctor.

Cecily: Um, what kind of medice do you practice?

Denise: Oh, no, sweetheart. I wear a lab coat and insert hearts in the build-a-bears at the Burlington mall.

Alex: Um, I’m really sorry. This tour is for accepted students and their parents.

Denise: Uh, yeah! No durp Sherlock. Our daughter is over there pretending to be part of another family. [Little Denise is hiding behind Indian parents] Come on, say hi, lil Denise.

Little Denise: My gosh, dad, you promised me you weren’t going to film this.
Sully: Are you kidding me? It’s a momentous occasion. You are the first person in our family to complete an application.

Denise: Of any kind, of any kind. [pointing Sully] This one couldn’t get through an application to the Abby’s reward’s club.

Sully: It’s worth it though.

Little Denise: Mom, why did Tommy have to come? It’s 2017, you could cold the cameraphone yourself.

Denise: Ah! Don’t knock your uncle Tommy. He’s the only one that knows how to use those filters.

Sully: Hey, Tommy, hit me. Watch this. Watch.

[Sully and Denise have puppy snapchat filters]

Woof! Woof! Yea!

Alex: So, um, little Denise will be matriculating to Harvard in the fall?

Little Denise: Yes.

Sully: She’s undecided. It’s between Harvard and my Alma Mater, mcneelyheatingandcooling.com.

Denise: yeah. Little D’s is a certified brainiac. she’s like Good Will Hunting.

Sully: Yeah. She’s a math genius. And a violent prodigy.

Denise: She gets that from me though. I am a wiz a karaoke, right? [singing] Pour some sugar on me!

Little Denise: That’s not appropriate right now.

Denise: God bless you. God bless you, little D.  You always taught us what is and isn’t appropriate.

Sully: yeah, for example, we used to call each other re–

Little Denise: [interrupting] Dad! Dad!

Sully: But now we have to say you’re intellectually disabled.

Denise: You are.

[Sully and Denise start making out.

Leslie: I have a question. What is this school’s policy on drinking on campus?

Alex: Um, sure. We have a very strict policy. We monitor all campus spaces and alcohol is not permitted anywhere on the premises.

[Denise is drinking her alcohol in one shot to finish it.]

Sully: Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Alright.

Little Denise: Please excuse my parent’s behavior. They ate a lot of paint chips growing up.

Sully: Yeah. We sure did. We called them radiator nachos.

Little Denise: Probably effected the development of the pre-frontal cortex.

Denise: Sweetheart, sweetheart, you know we can’t understand you when you talk all smart like that.

Little Denise: I was just saying you’re being wicked odd. Drop your rod socks, stick your head under a bubble before you end up getting hold back to bricker in the back of the crosa.

Denise: Copy that.

Sully: Message received. So, how much is a year?

Alex: Current tuition is $63,025.

Denise: A week?

Alex: No. A year.

Denise: No register, no better.

Sully: Hey, are there scholarships for ethnic students? Her middle name is Nomar.

Denise: Nomar!

Little Denise: Nomar!

Sully: Nomar!

Alex: Um, I am actually not sure that qualifies.

Sully: Um, well that price is a tag dear, but we can make sacrifices. For example, what does a man in my situation need with so many kidneys?

Denise: Yeah! I mean, I could get a night job doing night jobs by the bridge. I could.

Little Denise: No, you guys. It’s fine. I will go to McNeili. I will never fit in here with all these fancy kids.

Leslie: Um, excuse me, but do you know when this Manchester by the sea thing will be over so we can continue with the tour?

Denise: Come on! We on’t need these stuff shirt. Let’s go do donuts in the parking lot of Stop and Shop.

Little Denise: Oh, like we used to do when I was a kid.

Denise: Exactly.

[Sully, Denise and Little Denise leave]

Alex: Um, okay, back to our tour. Surrounding us are the freshman dorms. That’s Holas, that’s Stotten and that’s Hurlbutt.

[Sully and Denise run back]

Sully: Wait, seriously? Hurlbutt? That’s fur real?

Alex: Um, yes.

Little Denise: So, if you live there and someone asks where you live, you say…

Alex: Hurlbutt.

Sully: And if you eat of bunch of Chipotle and suddenly you have to run back to your dorn, you run back to…

Alex: Hurlbutt.

Sully: Oh, my god! Tommy, please tell me you got that.

Denise: Harvard it is. We’ll make it work.

Basketball Scene

Director… Alex Moffat

Coach… Kenan Thompson

Robbie… Pete Davidson

[Starts with a basketball court there people are filming]

[The actors are getting ready. Director walks in.]

Director: Alright, fellas. This is my favorite scene in the film. Okay? Sort of the core of these character’s relationship.

Coach: Yeah. Like, the coach is becoming a father figure here?

Director: Absolutely. Alright, so, I’m gonna stay our of your way. Let the geniuses do their thing. Okay. Here we go, guys. [walking backwards] Hey, background, do me a flavor. Just play some ball, pass it, you know the drill. Alright, here we go, guys. Ready, background, action.

Male voice: Rolling sound. Rolling, rolling.

[gets back to his seat]

Director: And action.

[Cut to Robbie playing basketball with his friends. Coach walks in and looks at him.]

Coach: Hey, Robbie.

Robbie: Coach Stan. What are you doing here?

Coach: I came to see if everything was okay. We missed you at our tryouts today.

Robbie: I had some stuff I had to do.

[in the background, two guys are just passing the ball to each other lazily]

Coach: Look, Robbie, you’re good. You’re gonna have scouts lined up to give you a full right to the school. You’re just gonna throw that all away?

Robbie: What are you? My dad now?

Director: Cut! Sorry guys, stay in the zone. Hey, basketball players.

Mikey: What’s up?

Director: So, right now, your’e just sort of passing back and forth and it looks a little bit weird. Just play basketball, you know what I mean? Just dribble, pass, run some plays, okay?

Jimmy: Alright, sir.

Mikey: Thank you.

Director: [running back to his seat] Sorry guys. We’re taking it from the top. And action.

Robbie: Coach Stan.

Jimmy: Pass it up.

Robbie: What are you doing here?

Jimmy: Go get the ball.

Coach: I came to see if everything was okay. We missed you at tryouts today.

[Jimmy and Mikey are playing very loudly]

Robbie: I had some stuff I had to do.

Coach: Look, Robbie, you’re good.  [Jimmy and Mikey are playing very loudly] You will have scouts lined up and waiting to give you a full right to the school. You’re just going to throw that all away?

Robbie: Why are you doing this?

Coach: Because I believe in you. So much so that I set up a second day in tryout. This Friday, four PM.

Director: And cut. Hey, basketball dudes? Looking just a little sloppy right now. We asked about basketball experience.

Mikey: Oh, yes. Um, I took a sports movement class.

Jimmy: I was in the stage production of Basketball Diaries.

Director: Ah! Forget it. Never mind. It’s all good.

Jimmy: Thank you sir.

Mikey: Thank you.

Director: And we’re on and action!

Robbie: Why are you doing this?

Jimmy: Slam it! Pass her up!

[Jimmy falls down very hard at the background.]

Coach: I believed in you. So much so–

[The basketball players are hugging]

Director: Okay, guys, stop hugging, please.

[Cut to many short video cuts because the background basketball players are messing up the shooting.]

Director: I don’t know what that is but stop.

Mikey: Sir, the ball popped.

Director: I see. We’ll get it in post. Keep going guys. It’s all good.

[the background basketball players are hurting themselves getting hit by the ball]

Director: Alright, can we get a medic? Don’t look into the camera, pal! [Coach and Robbie are looking at the background basketball players angrily.] Keep going guys!

Coach: I’m here because I believe. I mean, so much so that I set up a second–

Director: Please don’t take your shoes off, guys.

[the background basketball players are fighting]

Guys, stop fighting! Background, hey, sorry. We will have to lose you. Sorry guys.

[Jimmy kicks the ball, and this time he scores it.]

Yeah, you guys are still fired!

Weekend Update- Al Franken and Jeff Sessions

Colin Jost

Al Franken… Alex Moffat

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Minnesota senator Al Franken has accused Attorney General Jeff Sessions of having pressured him and perjured himself during senate testimony in response to a question Franken himself asked. Here with a follow up Q&A are senator Franken and Attorney General Sessoins.

[Al Franken and Jeff Sessions slide in]

Jeff Sessions: Well, hello there. Hello.

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. It’s really great to see you guys.

Jeff Sessions: Well, it’s so great to be here. And it’s always a pleasure to see you, Al.

Al Franken: Yeah, Jeff, the pleasure is mine. This ordeal has been fun for everyone.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow!

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m actually surprised to see the two of you here together.

[Cut to Al Franken and Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, people don’t realize this, but Al and I are actually great friends.

Al Franken: That’s overstating.

Jeff Sessions: You know, I once took Al Whitewater rafting on the Chattahoochee river and Al showed up Jew stuff.

Al Franken: We had lunch at a Deli, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Exactly. He taught me how to say “Schmear.” Schmear! I’d never seen balls in a soup before. Yeah.

Al Franken: They were Matzah balls, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know me. No questions asked. Right? And speaking of questions, it is true you caught old Br’er Sessions in the liar patch again? And I’m powerful. Sorry, my friends. So, may I correct the record?

Al Franken: Okay. Can you place your hand on the bible, please?

Jeff Sessions: Of course. [Jeff Sessions pulls out a plastic hand and puts it on the bible] Let’s rodeo, partner.

Al Franken: Oh! Mr. Sessions, it appears you’ve placed a halloween-typed prop in place of your actual hand.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you did not specify my biological hand, senator Franken. This is my orphan hand. I’m a danger to the country.

Al Franken: Well, could you please place your normal human hand on the bible?

Jeff Sessions: Ooh, you are a tricky raccoon, senator. Alright, you got me there. But then again, I’m just a simple country liar.

Al Franken: Um, are you saying ‘lawyer’ or ‘liar’?

Jeff Sessions: What’s that? I’m sorry. These ears are just decorative.

Al Franken: Okay. Put her there.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Alright.

Al Franken: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

Jeff Sessions: Alababy.

Al Franken: Excuse me?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s an Alabama maybe.

Al Franken: Oh my god.

Jeff Sessions: Or a baby dressed up like Aladdin. Not that he’d be ‘Aladdin’ (allowed in) the country.

Al Franken: Unbelievable.

Jeff Sessions: It’s a travel ban and I helped.

Al Franken: Mr. Sessions, why do you deny meeting with Russian officials when you had met with the Russian ambassador twice?

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, I was all distracted. I was trying to evade these dastardly accusations of being a racist, which I am not. But where I live, racism is simply part of the landscape.

Al Franken: And where do you live?

Jeff Sessions: The 1950s.

Al Franken: I cannot believe you were confirmed.

Jeff Sessions: Me neither. What can I say? I might talk cute, but I am very scary.

[Cut to Al Franken, Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Al Franken and Jeff Sessions, everyone.

Translator

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Helen… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a presentation]

Kyle: Good morning. Inotech Research is pleased to welcome you to what we believe will be a very exciting preservation.

Alex: Well, it better be. This project is, what? $18 million over budget?

Mikey: Um, yes, but thanks to your patience as well as your investment, we are thrilled to announce near completion on the X5 prototype.

Cecily: Near completion? So, what exactly are we going to see here?

Helen: Well, if all goes well, exactly what we promised. Using EEG censoring and brain interfacing, we will do what has never been done, scan the household pet’s mind to translate his thoughts into words. Now, the subject today will be my own dog, Max. [There’s a god with a helmet on that has few wires] Looks like he’s ready.

Alex: Then, let’s see it.

Helen: Okay, Max, here we go.

Mikey: EEG signal, 100%. Vitals are normal. Okay, we have mind link.

Helen: Okay, Max, this is it. Max, speak.

Max: [gibberish]

Alex: Brilliant.

Helen: Hang on. It worked.  I swear, just boost the signal. Max, speak.

Max: Hi, I’m Max. It’s me, Max.

Alex: Oh, my god.

Max: I like to play ball. I like purple bird in the window.

Helen: I think he means the pigeon. He’s never spoken this much before. Max, what else do you like?

Max: I like park, and leash, and I like Trump. He’s my man.

Helen: What?

Cecily: What did you dog just say?

Helen: Um, it must be a translation error, some kind of glitch.

Max: There’s no glitch. Donald Trump is our president. He carried the electoral college fair and square.

Mikey: Um, this can’t be right. did you know your dog likes Trump?

Helen: He doesn’t.

Max: I absolutely do. I know Trump has issues, but one big change is better than business as usual.

Kyle: Okay, Max, no. You drop that right now. You don’t like Trump.

Max: The Dow is up 2700 points since he was elected. What’s not to like?

Cecily: Your dog is a monster.

Helen: No, he’s not. Let me talk to him. Max, I’m sorry, but you’re just a dog. You don’t know what you’re talking about

Max: Excuse me, Helen, but yes, I do. [Max is trying to pull the helmet out] Stinking helmet, I can’t believe you put this on me. It’s just that condescending attitude that made people want to vote for Trump in the first place. [Max successfully puts the helmet out]

Helen: Get over here, Max.

[Helen puts the helmet on Max again] This is crazy, okay? I can’t believe you’re saying this. You were supposed to be my best friend.

Max: And as you friend, I don’t want to see your tax dollars going to health care for illegals.

Alex: Your dog is a jackass.

Helen: What? No. Hang on. Max, listen. Trump is bad. Trump is racist.

Max: What do you know about black people? You never brought one into our house once.

Cecily: Really?

Helen: No, Max, that is not true.

Max: It is absolutely true, Helen. Plus, Trump is the only one that isn’t owned by Wall Street.

Helen: Oh my god, are you insane? My head’s going to explode. What bout his record on women’s right? Don’t you want me to have a choice over my own body?

Max: You didn’t afford me a choice when you cut off my balls.

Helen: Oh! Max! You don’t know anything. You’re just a dog. You’re just a dog and you pee on the floor.

Max: And you masturbate out of boredom. What the hell does that have to do with what we’re talking about right now?

Kyle: Whoa!

Helen: Max!

Max: You just assume that because I’m a Trump supporter that I’m a xenophobic racist.

Helen: No, I don’t. Your best friend at the dog park is a chihuahua.

Max: So?

Helen: That means, he’s Mexican and Trump wants to kick them out of the country.

Max: If Akito was born here, he has nothing to worry about. This is a nation of laws.

Cecily: Alright, stand back. I’m gonna shoot him with the gun I carry.

Alex: Don’t miss.

Max: No, for god’s sake, I can’t even have a conversation without you liberal snowflakes–

Helen: [pulling out the helmet] No! Enough! Enough! Shut up, Max. Just shut your dumb mouth.

[turning the machine off]

Mikey: Um, that concludes the demonstration. Obviously we have some more work to dy.

Alex: Obviously.

Cecily: Yeah, this whole project is on thin ice. That dog is a problem.

[Alex and Cecily leaves]

Helen: It’s okay, Max. I love you no matter what. We just have to learn to respect each other’s point of view, I guess. Now, let’s go for a walk. Okay?  Put your hat on, it’s cold. There you go. It’s a good thing you’re cute, you little dumbass!

[Helen carries Max and walks away]

Zoo-opolis Voice Actors

Kenan Thompson

Octavia Spencer

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Cleaner… Beck Bennett

[starts with Kenan briefing the voice actors about the project

Kenan: Alright, as you know we just completed the initial story board for TV movie Zoo-Opolis. It’s an animated film about a city that’ s full of animals.

Octavia: Is that like, Zootopia?

Kenan: Is that like, Zootopia? Who are you? My lawyer? Now, we need a scratch track for placeholders for all the voices so the animators have something to work with. Alright, first up, we’ve got the opening line of the film from Honey Bunny, voiced by Jennifer Lopez.

Melissa: I could try J-Lo’s lines.

Kenan: Okay, great. You can just read from the prompter. Whenever you’re ready.

[Melissa walks to the mic]

Melissa: [Speaking like Jennifer Lopez] You know, everyone says a rabbit can never be a lawyer, but they’re forgetting about Hopeas Corups, because I put the butt in rab-but, Zoo-Opolis. Yeah.

Kenan: Okay. Next up, we’ve got Bartleby. He’s a bumblebee voiced by Hugh Grant.

Alex: Um, I could take a crack of that.

Kenan: Alright, go for it.

[Alex walks to the mic]

Alex: [speaking like Hugh Grant] I um.. I would have brought flowers but um, you see, I’m too small. I’m terribly sorry. I must admit I’m a little buzzed. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Not bad. Alright. Well, we also have F’Heather the pigeon, voiced by Oprah Winfrey.

Octavia: Oh, I got this one. [Octavia walks to the mic] [talking like Oprah Winfrey] I love bread crumbs. I love bread crumbs and that’s a joy of wing-watchers. I still eat bread crumbs every day, and I have lost over two ounces. I love bread crumbs. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Perfect. That was perfect. Thank you very much. Alright, next up, we have Dane Daniel. And that’s a great dane voiced by Tracy Morgan. I can probably just throw that down real quick myself. [holds a mic] [clears his throat] [speaking like Tracy Morgan] I’ma put my peepee in a chihuahua and make it explode. Yeah, I think we got that. We got that pretty good. Um, we also have Sqwecily the squirrel voiced by Kristen Wiif.

Melissa: I can try that. [speaking like Kristen Wiig] I just got kicked out of my tree. Ha-ha. They told me I had to leave. I’m staying with my best friend, he is an acorn. Ha-ha. Sorry, I know I seem a little nuts right now, I just opened a can of nuts and a snake jumped out. Ha-ha. Then I looked at the lael and it said, ‘Can of snakes.’ Ha-ha. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Thank you. We also have a kangaroo voiced by Viola Davis whose name is Viola G’Day-Vis.

Octavia: I got this one. [speaking like Viola Davis] I am not just a kangaroo. I am Viola Davis as a kangaroo. And I will exhume the body from my pouch, Denzel.

Kenan: Such a powerful speech. Thank you. Alright, we just have a few quick lines left. Who ever wants to just jump in and go for it. Kathy Griffin as penguin.

Melissa: [speaking like Kathy Griffin] Okay, here is the deal. I just hang out of my igloo. I invited few polar bears over. Yes, they’re gay.

Kenan: Alright. An old beaver named Dame Judi Dentures.

Octavia: Sixty years of acting and this is the first time I’m showing my Beaver.

Kenan: Oh, boy! Next, NBA commentator Bill Walton as moose

Alex: [speaking like Bill Walton] Oh my god!  I love the bulls and I love the bucks. Gosh, they have a promising future. Slam dunk. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Right. Um, Jodie Foster as a hummingbird.

Octavia: [speaking like Jodie Foster] We meet again, doctor nectar. I’m agent starling like the bird.

Kenan: And then we have Julia Louis Dreyfus as a bat.

Melissa: [speaking like Julia Louis Dreyfus] You know, I’m a bat. So, yeah.

Kenan: No, I”m sorry I misread that. The bat is actually Owen Wilson.

Melissa: [speaking like Owen Wilson] Oh, well, well, yeah. I’m a bat, yeah.

Kenan: No, no. Sorry, I really misread it. The bat is Kate McKinnon.

Melissa: [speaking like Kate McKinnon] Hey, hey, I”m a bat. Okay? Yeah.

Kenan: Okay. And, finally, the last line of the movie is Javier Bardem as wise old owl. [voice actors are looking at each other] Nobody? Nobody has a Javier Bardem?

[Cleaner walks in]

Cleaner: Hey, um, I can give it a try. Alright, here we go. [speaking like Javier Bardem] Every animal must have sex, hmm? Money has sex wit ha turtle. You know? A gopher has sex with a parrot. And the best part is that they never have to wear a condom. Alright!

Kenan: Alright, well, that was extremely off script. Do you even work here?

Cleaner: Um, no.