Tag: Beck Bennett

Morning Joe

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborougn… Alex Moffat

Mike Barnicle… Bobby Moynihan

Mark Halperin… Beck Bennett

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

[Starts with ‘Morning Joe’ intro]

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Mika Brzezinski: Good Morning.

Joe Scarborougn: How are you doing?

Mika Brzezinski: Good morning. That’s “Rock n’ roll all night” by Kiss.

Joe Scarborougn: Great song.

Mika Brzezinski: If you’re listening to loud classic rock followed by the most casual of political conversations, it must be ‘Morning Joe’.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, guys, they did it. Okay? The house has passed their healthcare plan which might take health insurance away from twentyfour million Americans. Many of them are swing voters in twentyeighteen, if morality doesn’t matter to them, maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: I mean maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe pure politics should?

Mika Brzezinski: I mean, it’s crazy.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika’s over.

Mika Brzezinski: I am. I’m up it. I’m over it. I’m past it. I’m in the driveway. The car is running. This part– this party– your party, republican party is–

Joe Scarborougn: Watch it.

Mika Brzezinski: — is completely morally bankrupt.

Joe Scarborougn: Oh, Mika!

Mika Brzezinski: I’ll just point. No–

Joe Scarborougn: That’s enough. Okay? You’re being sneaky because you know what pushes my button.

Mika Brzezinski: [looking at Joe Scarborougn] Does that? Push your buttons?

Joe Scarborougn: It does. [both looks to the camera] Mike Barnicle, what is going on with this bill?

[Cut to Mike Barnicle. He’s looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock]

Mike Barnicle: Ah, I don’t know what’s going on. This bill– This bill is puzzling.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, Mike. Congress doesn’t even have a CVO score on this. Is this just about– Is this just about getting a win? I mean there’s a lot of people with pre-existing conditions who are probably just furious right now.

Mika Brzezinski: Like, C-section.

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah.

Mika Brzezinski: A C-section is a pre-existing condition. And you know what’s not a pre-existing condition? Erectile dysfunction.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold on.

Mika Brzezinski: And isn’t that–

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, here we go. Mika, you’re being dramatic.

Mika Brzezinski: No, but here’s what I’m being.

Joe Scarborougn: Ay, Mika mouse, Mika mouse, you’re being a little stinker–

Mika Brzezinski: But let me finish.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re being a little stinker.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m not being a stinker.

Joe Scarborougn: Hey! Mika-boo.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn have come very close to each other.]

Mika Brzezinski: Am I being a stinker?

Joe Scarborougn: Yes, you’re being a stinker and it’s not gonna work.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah?

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn are about to kiss, but they pause and look at camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Mark Halperin, the senate can’t be pleased at the house just threw this in their lap. I mean, what is their relationship like now?

[Cut to Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with disgust.]

Mark Halperin: What is their relationship like? Confusing.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Willie Geist, what do you see in here?

[Cut to Willie Geist]

Willie Geist: Um, what am I seeing here? I have no idea. I have so many unanswered questions.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, what about Trump? He hasn’t read the bill.

Mika Brzezinski: I can’t.

Joe Scarborougn: And back during the election–

Mika Brzezinski: I won’t.

Joe Scarborougn: Trump called into our show but he doesn’t do it anymore because he just shut himself off from anyone who can challenge him.

Mika Brzezinski: It’s sad. It’s sad but it’s true. And for some insight into this, we’re gonna talk to a man who says he’s with Trump every single day on the phone. We have a publicist named John Miller live from the Whitehouse.

Joe Scarborougn: Terrific.

Male voice: Hello, Joe, Mica, this is John Miller. [it’s the voice of Donald Trump] I’m sort of a new here.

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, glad to finally hear from you, Mr. Miller.

Male voice: First, I wanna wish everyone a happy Cinco de Mayo which is the day all Mexicans eat a sink full of mayonnaise.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Miller. Do you work in the White House?

Male voice: I do. Yes. I do. I work very hard. So, incredibly hard. Mika, I’m just celebrating the fantastic success we had with congress yesterday. After congress voted, we had a party. There was bill, a disaster that Obamacare has finally been repealed

Joe Scarborougn: Hold on, sir. It’s not repealed yet. The bill still has to pass the senate.

Male voice: What now?

Joe Scarborougn: The bill goes through the senate. They might even re-write the entire thing if they pass it at all.

Male voice: But there was beer.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Mlller, the bill has a long way to go. So, it seems a little premature to celebrate.

Male voice: You know what? We’re going to look into this. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye. [hangs up]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay.

Mika Brzezinski: Here’s what I want to say. Don’t stop me.

Joe Scarborougn: Go ahead.

Mika Brzezinski: The president is mentally ill.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold–

Mika Brzezinski: He has entered a state of psychosis.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika! Mika! You’re being naughty. Okay? You’re being very naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, I am being naughty?

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, you’re being real naughty.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn start getting close to each other again]

Mika Brzezinski: Why don’t you stop me?

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe you need some of the punishing for being naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m a bad journalist.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re not a bad journalist. You’re a bad kitty.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow.

[Mika Brzezinski bites Joe Scarborougn’s nose.]

[Cut to Mike Barnicle and Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock.]

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn. They look to the camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Alright. We’re gonna address the elephant in the room.

Mika Brzezinski: Let’s! [inhales heavily]

Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Turtle Shirt

Jimmy Fallon

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Sasha… Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Jimmy  joking around with his office colleagues]

Jimmy : I’m serious. I went to this lunch thing at his house. And it was like sears all the way. [everyone laughing] Also, have you ever noticed how low the hairline is. [Kyle walks in behind Jimmy ] I think it’s where his eyebrows start. [everyone laughing]

Kyle: Patrick! Can I walk with you in my office?

[Jimmy  turns around looking scared]

Female voice: You’ve been caught talking about your boss again? If you could only hide somewhere. Now, you can. Inside your shirt.

[music playing]

[Jimmy  pulls his head inside his shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

The turtle shirt, by Swag.

Turtle shirts are made from plastrals and keratinous scutes. The same materials from which a turtle’s shell is made. Our shirts offer an mazing and comfortable place to wait out any unwanted and embarrassing situations.

[Cut to a party]

Pete: Great party.

Bobby: Thanks Jeff.

Sasha: Uh, here you go.

Pete: Hey, have you met my wife?

Pete: You know, I haven’t. Can I just say, your hair is so pretty that it actually kind of looks fake.

[Bobby and Sasha looks at each other]

Bobby: Sasha works with orangutans and one of them took her scalp off.

Sasha: It capped me. That’s the primary term for it.

Bobby: The top of her head is completely fake.

[Pete is embarrassed. Pete pulls his head and hands inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: It’s like having a personal panic room on your back.

[Cut to Beck walking to his friends]

Beck: Hey, who wants to see a picture of my new baby?

Sasheer: Oh, yeah. I’d love to. [Beck shows Sasheer a picture] This is a penis.

Beck: What is?

Sasheer: This picture is a penis.

Beck: Oh, my god! No. That’s not my baby.

Sasheer: Was that your penis?

Beck: Yeah, right. I doubt it.

[Sasheer is staring at Beck]

[Beck is embarrassed. Beck pulls his head, hands and legs inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: Turtle shirt, by Swag. Available only at Lord and Taylor.

Male voice: Warning: Lying on your back while inside the turtle shirt may result to death.

Take Me Back

Beck Bennett

Jen… Cecily Strong

Doug… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Beck and Jen sitting on a couch]

Beck: Okay, okay. On the count of three, favorite food. One, two, three.

Beck and Jen: Pizza!

Jen: Okay, wow! This feels right. I like you.

Beck: More than pizza?

Jen: Okay. Alright. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, mister. But maybe.

[Beck and Jen start kissing]

[door knocking]

Who could that be? It’s midnight.

[Jen opens the door. Doug walks in. He has a music player and a flower bouquet.]

Doug: Hi.

Jen: [sign] Doug! What are you doing here?

Doug: I just needed to see you. I want you back.

Jen: Now is not a good time, Doug.

Doug: Wait, what? You have a guy over? We just broke up like, five days ago.

Jen: You know what? I don’t need to defend myself, Doug. Okay? You know what you did.

Doug: I know. I’m sorry. I messed up. But if you give me a chance, I promise [Doug plays music] I will love you truly, madly and deeply.

[Doug opens his raincoat. He is wearing white suit inside.]

[singing very bad] I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy
I’ll be your love, I’ll be your hope, be everything that you need
I’ll love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful coz I’m counting on 

[opens his coat, he is wearing a t-shirt with Jen’s face printed on it]

a new beginning, a reason for living, a deeper meaning, yeah

[two backup singers walk in wearing the same suit and same t-shirt]

Singers: I wanna stand with you on a mountain

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna bathe with you in the sea

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna lay like this forever

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: Until the sky falls down on me.

Doug: So, what do you say, Jen? I know I made one of the biggest mistakes a person can make but I’m sorry. And I’m asking you to take me back… [gets down on his knees to propose with a ring] forever. What do you say?

Jen: No, Doug! You dragged a man off a plane this week!

Doug: [standing and leaving] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Backup singers: Wait, that’s what you did?

[Jen closes the door after they leave]

Jen: Sorry. Oh, I’m so sorry about him.

Beck: That’s okay. Don’t worry about him.

Jen: Anyway, back to us. Tell me more about you. what do you do?

Beck: Ah! Well, I just directed a huge Pepsi commercial.

Jen: [disappointed] No!

Donald Trump Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Steve Bannon

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Donald Trump and Mike Pence in White House]

Donald Trump: Oh, Pence. Pence has started to believe I’ve president almost 100 days and I’ve already done so much. It’s hard to keep track of it all. Read to me again from the list of my accomplishments.

Mike Pence: Of course, sir. Nominated Neil Gorsuch.

Donald Trump: God, I love that list. What a beautiful, long list. But Mike, you forgot about all the bombings that I’ve been doing. I just dropped the mother of all bombs on ISIS. The biggest, fattest bomb they’ve ever seen. It’s so big and fat, it almost looks like me when I’m on my golf clothes.

Mike Pence: I’ll add that to the list, sir.

Donald Trump: Look around, Mike. We got so many great memories in this room.

Mike Pence: Yeah. If these walls could talk.

Donald Trump: Oh my god, can they? It wasn’t me.

Mike Pence: No, sir. That’s just a saying.

Donald Trump: Anyway, like I was saying, so many memories in this room. This is where I met with the Chinese president.

Mike Pence: That was at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I ordered the Syrian strike.

Mike Pence: That was also at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I showed classified information to the Japanese prime minister.

Mike Pence: That was in front of waiters at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: I know one thing that was here for sure. Remember when I refused to shake the hand with that little German boy?

Mike Pence: Umm, you mean Angela Merkel.

Donald Trump: Whatever his name was. the point is, these 100 days have been such a success. And I’m so sad my presidency is finally coming to an end.

Mike Pence: No sir, you still have over 1300 days left.

Donald Trump: I don’t know. Have you seen my tweets about North Korea? This could all be over by Monday.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha. Sir, I love when you so casually joke about North Korean.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no. I take North Korea very seriously. Kim Jong-Un is a bad, bad guy. He’s a war monger. He’s quick to anger. He’s a huge narcissist. He’s got the stupid little haircut. I mean, how can a little man like that run an entire country?

Mike Pence: I have no idea, sir. I just wish you’d leave North Korea alone. I mean, we have plenty of problems at home. For example, your top advisor Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner have been at each other’s throats. It’s a huge distraction for us. I think you need to talk to them.

Donald Trump: Fine! Send in Steve Bannon. Send him in.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He’s a grim reaper.]

Steve, wow! You’ve never looked younger. Now, send in my sweet little kush ball, Jared Kushner.

[Jared Kushner walks in wearing a bullet proof vest over his suit]

Boys, I’ve called you here for an important reason. Mike, will you excuse us?

Mike Pence: Happy to, sir. Mother is waiting. That’s what I call my wife.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I know I’m bad with women, but that sounds even worse.

Mike Pence: Understood, father.

[Mike Pence leaves]

Donald Trump: Jared, Steve, standing before are my two top advisors. But I only have one photo in my hand. That’s right, tonight is elimination night. There has been a lot of drama in the house and that’s why one of you must go. Now. Who gets to stay? Jared? You take the most beautiful photos. Steve, you take the worst photos I have ever seen in my life. And I’m not joking. When I see a photo of you, it makes me want to puke. Okay? Jared, I’ve sent you all around the world to represent me and no one has ever heard you speak. You’re like a little Jewish Omaly. And Steve, you may be smart, but I once walked in on you eating a live pig in the Roosevelt room.

Steve Bannon: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Donald Trump: Moment of truth. The photo in my hand represents the man who will be staying tonight. You will get to keep advising me and you will also get $100,000 courtesy of L’Oreal. If you do not see your photo, you must immediately leave the Oval Office and join Kellyanne Conway in the basement. But don’t worry, your journey doesn’t end tonight because you will bet to come back at the end of all of this and help send me to prison. And the person that will stay on as my adviser is… Jared. Congratulations, Jared. And Steve, I’m sorry, but it’s a good bye. Take him back to hell.

[a bigger grim reaper walks in and takes Steve Bannon away]

Steve Bannon: [screaming] No!

Donald Trump: Jared, you’re such an inspiration. You showed everybody that if you are born rich and marry my daughter, you can have anything you want. Have a seat at your new desk. I’d like you to just fix everything, okay? [Donald Trump leaves the president’s desk to Jared Kushner] If you need me, I will be over here in mine. [Donald Trump sits on a smaller desk that’s beside president’s desk]

Hey, Jared, I know you don’t like to talk, but why don’t you take it away? Shall we?

[Jared Kushner is struggling to speak]

God, you’re such a cute little twink! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Civil War Soldiers

Jimmy Fallon

Mikey Day

Alex Moffatt

Beck Bennett

Greg… Harry Styles

Captain… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a Union Army Camp in 1863.]

Jimmy : I heard we’re marching south tomorrow.

Mikey: Feels like this war’s never going to end. I swear, sometimes, I forget what we are even fighting for.

Alex: Yeah. We’ve been fighting this war so long, I wonder if my family will even recognize me.

Beck: Oh, I’m tired of hearing all this grumbling. How about a song? Something to lift our spirits. A real foot stomper.

Alex: How about ‘Old New York?’

Beck: Ah! Old New York. Now that’s the tune that will put the fight back in you. What do you say, boys?

All: Alright!

Alex: Great song.

[music palying]

Beck: [singing] Well, I’m from New York, I am from up north in yankee land
then one day the union army came a calling
they said son grab up your gun, there is glory to be won
and soon the dixie boys will be a falling

All: One, two, three, it’s the union calls for me
that we fear the grape shot nor the canon roar
oh, liberty and I happily
and bury me back home in Old New York

Jimmy : [standing] And we’re singing like,
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, party till the sun come up

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, we’ll stay up for ever now

[Everone else is staring Jimmy  looking confused]

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, dance until the pills wear off
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,, it’s a party at my parent’s house

[Jimmy  sits back]

Beck: Um, I don’t remember that part of Old New York.

Jimmy : Oh, no. Sorry, I added it. I felt like it needed like a fat catchy hook people can sing along. It’s good, right?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, it’s already stuck in my head.

Greg: You know what would sound good? If you all did a bridge after that hook.

Beck: Hey, Greg, shut up.

Greg: Okay.

Beck: Listen. Old New York is a soldier’s song. It’s about courage and making your loved ones proud. So maybe best not to change it.

Jimmy : Oh, of course. Just musically, it felt like it wanted that hook. Keep going.

Beck: [singing] Now I miss my family and I miss New York City,
but to run away from war is a disgrace
if the rebel shoot me down

Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: Tell my family I was found
Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: On the ground with a smile on the face.

Jimmy : Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa [build up]

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, skinny dipping in the pool
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, all our friends are making out
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,…

Beck: I don’t know what to say.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, it’s a party at my parent’s house.

[Greg walks in]

Greg: Oh my god! there she is, the girl I like
suddenly, it’s all clear
this is the best night of my life
everybody sing it right.

All: Oh, oh, oh–

[Captain walks in]

Captain: What the hell is going on here?

Beck: Oh, I’m very sorry, sir. I thought some singing might boost morale in camp.

Captain: Oh, no. I’m sorry. I was pretending like I was the dad in the song. Like, coming home and seeing the party at my house and be like, “What’s going on?” Being like, angry.

Jimmy : Let’ go. That would be a fun break in the song.

Mikey: Yeah. Maybe it’s like a switcheroo and the dad’s actually into it?

[Beck looks disppointed]

Jimmy : Yeah, yeah. Or we can just do the regular version of Old New York.

Beck: Oh, who am I kidding? That hook is fire. The whole track is absolutely lit. Let’s take it from the dad coming in.

Captain: [clearing throat] Nobody parties at my house! Without me!

Beck: Two, three, four.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,

Greg: Everybody know themselves!

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh…

Jimmy : It’s a party at my parent’s house.

[explosion]

Oh, man! That canon sounded amazing. Hey, props to whoever shot that cannon. That was a fun punch at the end.

Beck: That wasn’t one of our’s.

Jimmy : Then who shot it?

[explosion and smoke effect]

Male voice: And when the smoke cleared, all that was left of the third New York infantry was their bravery, their sacrifice and our nation’s first big fat hook.

Pepsi Commercial

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

Director… Beck Bennett

Kendall Jenner… Cecily Strong

[Starts with shooting for Pepsi commercial.]

Kenny:  And that’s a cut on rehearsal. Let’s be ready to roll in five. How is it going, Mr. Director?

Director: Good. Good. I’m really excited.

Kenny: Well, you should be. Writing and directing a commercial for Pepsi. It doesn’t get much bigger than that.

[phone vibrating]

Director: Oh, hey, this is my sister. I gotta get this real quick. [talking on the phone] Carrie, hey. Sorry, I can’t super talk right now. I’m on the set of a huge Pepsi commercial I’m doing. I know, right? It was like, completely my idea, and now they’re doing it. It’s great, yeah. I mean, okay, so well it’s an homage to the resistance and for the huge protests in the streets reminiscent of Black Lives Matter. And so, everybody is marching, right? And they can see police officers and they think it’s gonna go bad because there’s kind if, like, a standoff. And then, Kendall Jenner walks in and she walks up to one of the police officers, And she hands him a Pepsi, and then, that Pepsi brings everybody together. Isn’t that like, the best ad ever? [listening silently] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sort of done deaf.

Kenny: Alright, guys, three minutes away! Three minutes!

Director: I think maybe you just kind of don’t get it. Is Doug there? Can you put him on? Dough! What’s up? Hey, I just want to run this Pepsi commercial by you that I’m doing and make sure you are loving it as much as I am. Um, cool, cool. The whole thing is an homage to resistance and Black Lives Matter. So everybody is marching. And then Kendall Jenner comes up to a police officer and gives him a Pepsi and everybody celebrates. People of every single culture comes toge– Uh-huh. [listening] Uh-huh. No, we’re celebrating these cultures. We’re celebrating black culture. Uh-huh. Cancel hiphop? But we’re also celebrating asian culture. Don’t even play the cello?Mm, mm, mm. Oh, got it. Just kind of using them? Yeah. It’s all soda? Great. It’s gonna be bad.

Kenny: Alright people, 60 seconds till we roll on this man’s singular vision!

Director: Ha-ha. Yes! [talking on phone] Hey, man. Could you put a neighbor on the phone, a black one? Hi, ma’am. Hey, we’re shooting a little Pepsi commercial over here. I want to run it by you and get your opinion on it. Okay, great. So, the whole thing is an homage on Black Lives Matter. Huh? Don’t even touch it? It’d be insane to touch it? Right. Okay. Don’t even show police? [sigh] Yeah. What would you do if you were in my situation? Just run to my car? Okay.

Kenny: Alright, we got to go. People.

Director: Hey, Kenny. Do we have a time for a quick re-write?

Kenny: Hey, no can do, bud. Let’s invite Kendall to set. She has her hard out in 45 seconds.

[Kendall Jenner walks out of her bus]

Kendall Jenner: Okay, bye. I gotta go. I’m on the set of my Pepsi commercial. Um, I stop the police from shooting black people by giving them a Pepsi. I know! It’s cute, right?

Shud the Mermaid

Harrison Beckett… Mikey Day

Titacles… Beck Bennett

Oceana… Cecily Strong

Aquaticana… Sasheer Zamata

Shud… Kate McKinnon

Conk… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’ opening]

Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. From U.S. fighter pilot Harrison Beckett, 1944.

Harrison Beckett narrating: My plane was shot down over the pacific. I fell into the sea, and surrendered to death. Yet, I awoke on the shore of a small deserted island, all alone, or so I thought.

[Cut to Harrison Beckett in the deserted island]

Harrison Beckett: Hello? Is anyone there?

[Titacles appears behind the stones. He has long white hair and beard and a tail of a fish.]

Titacles: No one of your kind. I am Titacles and I rule over this cove. I saved you from a watery grave and therefore I command you to marry one of my daughters. The playful Oceana.

[Oceana appears behind the stones. She is beautiful.]

Oceana: Hello, young sailor. So brave. So handsome. [laughing]

Titacles: The adventurous Aquaticana.

[Aquaticana appears behind the stones. She is also beautiful.]

Aquaticana: Oh, I have never seen a human man. They’re splendid.

Titacles: And the other one, Shud.

[Shut crawls up. she is ugly.]

Shut: Hey, man. What’s crapping?

Titacles: The choice is yours.

[Titacles swims away]

Shut: Why are you staring at me? Do I remind you of anyone?

Harrison Beckett: Um, yes. Popeye, if he melted.

Shut: Hmm. I know I look different from my sisters. While they are half maiden, half marlin, I am 15% maiden and 85% blob fish, which means, I’m mostly gelatin.

Harrison Beckett: Okay. Okay. I mean, how could I choose? Two-thirds of you are so beautiful.

Oceana: If you choose me, we’ll spend out days frolicking in the grotto. What fun!

Aquaticana: Choose me, and together we’ll explore the wonders of the sea.

Shut: Hey! Hey! Choose me and you’ll be spending a lot of time with this chick.

[Conk crawls up.]

Conk: What’s up?

Shut: This is my BFF Conk, fellow dweller of the deep.

Conk: I’m 8% woman and 92% angler fish. Yep, I’m from way down deep where all the freaks hang out, hence the reading light growing out of my head.

Shut: Conk knows how to party now. If you want company in the bedroom, Conk is very much down to clown.

Conk: Oh, yeah. Three way, two way me watching, two way her watching three of us going solo, all watching. Any combo, I’ve done, and do again.

Shut: Here is a little preview.

[Shut is licking the light on Conk’s head]

Harrison Beckett: Oh, god!

Shut: Hell, yeah.

Conk: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.

Shut: When it’s hot enough, say when.

Harrison Beckett: When? When? When? When? Please don’t do that ever again. Anyway, [turning towards Oceana and Aquaticana] I never imagined I would one day marry a mermaid.

Oceana: Oh, life with a mermaid is quite enchanting. We sing the most beautiful melodies.

[Oceana and Aquaticana singing melodies]

Shut: [singing badly] The Simpsons
da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da [humming ‘The Simpsons’ theme song.]

Oceana: If you were to choose me, I will never tire of hearing tales of life on land.

Aquaticana: If I am your choice, my love for you will grow with each sun rise.

Shut: Yeah, true talk, I’m really just in thsi for the babies. I’ve got about 5 million eggs that need fertilization, yesterday.

Harrison Beckett: Okay.

Shut: Quick blob fish mating FYI, oh, my female gonads are where my mouth is which is also my butt, but we’ll make it work.

Harrison Beckett: No, please don’t.

Conk: A little angler fish info, during mating the male attaches to the female and then dies. You down for that?

Harrison Beckett: I am not.

Shut: Well, just know this. I am an old fashioned kind of girl. When my my man comes home, I like to have dinner rady for him. In fact, you look a little hungry right now. Do you like sea bass?

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you.

[Shut eats the sea bass herself and spits some on Harrison Beckett]

Argh! it got in my mouth.

Shut: Eat up before it gets warm.

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you. I don’t want it.

[airplane sound]

Oh, that sound. Oh, it’s a rescue plane. I’m saved! I’m sorry ladies, but I have a life back on land.

Oceana and Aquaticana: Aww!

[Oceana and Aquaticana swim away]

Shut: Listen, man. Could I just get one kiss for the road?

Harrison Beckett: Yes, Shud. But on the cheek because your mouth is also your butt.

[Harrison Beckett stand to kiss Shut]

Shut: [grabbing Harrison Beckett by his waist] Oh, grab him, Conk.

Conk: Alright, Shud.

[Shut and Conk pull Harrison Beckett down into the water]

Shut: Sorry, girls. Gotta be aggressive nowadays. Okay.

Shut and Conk: [singing] The Simpsons

Shanice Goodwin Ninja-Rivals

Shanice Goodwin… Leslie Jones

Vanessa Bayer

Dominica… Scarlett Johansson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a picture of a little girl]

Shanice narrating: First they said, “You’re too small.” [Picture changes to grown up Shanice Goodwin] Then they said, “You’re too big.” They said, “You will namer make it.” But I didn’t listen to them because I knew one day I would become a ninja.

[Cut to video clips of Shanice dressed as ninja playing with her sword, ‘Shanice Goodwin Ninja’ intro]

Male voice: The adventures of Shanice Goodwin, Ninja.

Shanice: I’m also a cashier at KOHL’s.

[Cut to Vanessa and Shanice in the ninja training center. Shanice is wearing black ninja costume.]

Vanessa: Shanice, sensei has been kidnapped. This is your most dangerous mission yet. I brought in someone I think will remember.

[Dominica walks in wearing white ninja costume]

Dominica: Shanice, well, well, we meet again.

Shanice: Dominica. I thought I had banished you from Charlotte and the greater area of Charlotte.

Dominica: You did. But he was my sensei too. He hand-picked me from the orphanage when I was five years old.

Shanice: And I’ve been a ninja since I was 45. Alright then, let’s put aside our differences and do this.

Vanessa: Great! Their hideout is rumored to be a theater prop storage facility on the west wide of town. Good luck, you two.

[Shanice and Dominica leave]

[Cut to British mob hideout. There are the mobs who have tied Sensei.]

Beck: So? Your people will send the money?

Sensei: I told you, I do not yield to threats. I know some very dangerous people. Let me go now and no harm will come to you.

Beck: No harm will come to us? He said to us! [laughing]

[Shanice and Dominica are inside the hideout]

Dominica: Shh, follow me. We are shadows.

[Shanice nods her head and follows Dominica]

Sensei: Oh, yes. I sense a presence.

Beck: You’re bluffing. There’s no one here. Look!

[Shanice and Dominica are hiding behind them. Shanice is even eating some chips.

How can anyone be in this room? No one can get in.

Kenan: Oh, yes. At least ten armed guards are stationed at every entrance.

[Dominica throws a shuriken on Kenan’s eye]

[screaming] Ah!

Mikey: No! What happened?

[Shanice slowly goes to Mikey and cuts off his hand]

Shanice: Damn, that’s nasty.

Beck: Someone is here.

Sensei: I tried to warn you. But now it’s too late. My student Dominica is a professional assassin. To her, killing is like breathing. And my student Shanice has trained at my YMCA every other week for last three years.

Beck: Find them. Now.

Kyle and Mikey: Yes, sir!

[Kyle and Mikey are looking around. Shanice and Dominica and just behind them.]

Mikey: There’s no one here, sir.

[Dominica pulls Mikey and rips his heart out]

Kyle: Who did that? Show yourself!

[Shanice comes behind Kyle and breaks his neck]

Beck: Is this how you fight? Huh? You hide? Like cowards? Let me see your eyes.

[Dominica comes behind Beck]

Dominica: With pleasure. My eyes will be the last thin you see.

Shanice: And my ears will be the last thing you– you hear.. Damn!

Dominica: You don’t need to talk every time.

Beck: Guards! Attack!

[Beck runs]

Shanice: Quick, the chair.

[The guards come in running. Dominica sits on a chair and Shanice pushes the chair. Dominica hits everyone who comes in front of her.]

[Beck runs in with a knife to fight Dominica]

Dominica: A man should use his fists so that he dies with respect.

[gun shot. Beck is shot.]

Shanice: Oh, my bad. was we supposed to only do ninja stuff? Oh, okay. That’s on me.

[Dominica opens ropes tying Sensei]

Dominica: Are you alright, Sensei?

Sensei: Thank you both. You are my top students.

Shanice: Yeah, but I’m the best, right?

Dominica: No, we all know who si the best.

Sensei: I guess there is only one way to settle this.

Shanice: Ha-ha-ha. You think so? Put em’ up.

Dominica: Alright, you like a challenge. Yes?

Shanice: Hah! Dominica, you was always that bitch. Let’s go.

[as Shanice and Dominica fight, the video pauses and ends.]

Olive Garden

Director… Beck Bennett

Scarlett Johansson

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Director briefing the ad shooting to the actors.]

Director: Okay, my lovely featured background. We are about ready to go for a take. And all you guys have seen Olive Garden ads. So, you know the deal. Fun, casual. We really want to give viewers the vibe that you’re excited to be here.

Scarlett: I actually love Olive Garden so I won’t even have to act at all.

Director: Hah! That’s what I like to hear. Okay, so I’ll call our direction from the monitor and let’s see if we can capture some magic. Alright? Here we go. And action.

[music playing.]

[actors are having fun]

Okay, that looks great. We’re chatting. We’re charring. Hey, sweater guy, check out the restaurant.

[Kenan starts looking around and act like he’s noticing everything and he likes it.]

This place is nice. Even more impressed.

[Kenan starts to act a bit more impressed]

Am I in a palace?

[Kenan starts acting shocked]

Yes. Okay. Now, blonde hair. Why don’t you find something you want on the menu?

[Scarlett starts looking at the menu]

And you nod and smile.

[Scarlett is nodding and smiling]

Alright, bigger nod.

[Scarlett starts nodding more]

This all looks yummy. Really go for it, blonde hair.

[Scarlett starts to smile and nod her head very wildly]

Big old smile. Amazing, love that. Now, blue shirt. Someone just said something funny. Big laugh.

[Mikey starts laughing]

And even funnier.

[Mikey starts blinking his eyes more]

You’re about to pee yourself.

[Mikey starts to shake his head and blink his eyes whilst looking downwards]

I’m peeing. I’m peeing. Fantastic! Great! Great! Great! Okay, now, yellow top. You’re looking at the menu and you really want that Chicken Ciao Bella.

[Leslie looks at menu is awed]

Oh, you want it really bad.

[Leslie starts shaking the menu]

You’re looking at that pasta going, “Oh, Lordy, I must be in heaven.”

[Leslie is confused and looks at Director]

Okay, let’s call that cut.

[Director walks in] Wow, fantastic work, guys. I think we got it.

Scarlett: Are you sure those reactions weren’t too big?

Mikey: Yeah, I felt like I looked a little stupid maybe.

Leslie: And I didn’t like that voice you did.

Director: I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about, but as far as reactions go, you guys have seen Olive Garden ads. People act like they have never seen a restaurant or eaten food before. And then the yoyos at home think Olive Garden is a magical place. It’s advertising. Trust me, you’re killing it. Okay? Now, we just need to get some alts for different markets this ad will air in. Alright? Here we go. And action.

[music playing]

[actors are having fun]

Okay, let’s start by laughing, we’re laughing. We’re having fun. Good! Now, for the small towns, blue shirt, give blonde hair a little kiss on the cheek.

[Mikey kisses Scarlett on her cheek]

Great, great, great. And for the urban market, can I get a sweater guy giving yellow top a smooch?

[Kenan hugs Leslie]

And for one neighborhood in Atlanta, let me see yellow top plant one on blond hair.

[Scarlett and Leslie are confused]

[Leslie kisses Scarlett on her cheek]

And lips, please.

[Scarlett and Leslie are uncomfortable. But they take a peck on each other’s lips.]

[shouting] “Oh, child! what has gotten into me?” Great! Okay, now I just want to get some options. Stuff they might want. So, let’s get some pasta, please. Thank you very much.

[The waiters bring in the pasta]

Alright, here comes the pasta. Pasta, pasta, pasta. So, sweater guy, you ordered that shrimp terrigiorno and it smells amazing.

[Kenan acting like he’s smelling the shrimp]

Great. Yes, yes. Got that. We got that. Now just go ahead and put your face right in the pasta bowl.

Kenan: Really? I mean, would Olive Garden even use that in the ad?

Director: Just looking for options. So, plop that face in there.

[Kenan puts his pace in the pasta bowl]

Great! Yes. Yes, sweater guy, this is really good. Okay, blue shirt and blonde hair, imagine there is a waitress there and you’re listening to her. So, let’s look up and nod.

[Scarlett and Mikey look at the same direction and nod]

She’s a little taller than that. So, bring that eye line up a bit.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking a bit higher]

And even taller.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking higher]

And, oh, my god, this woman’s an Amazon.

[Scarlett and Mikey act like they’re shocked]

Perfect. Just like that. And just so we have it, give me one where the waitress is two feet tall.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking down]

There she is. There she is. Perfect. And she’s leaving and you’re both trying not to laugh.

Scarlett: Oh, I wouldn’t laugh at a little person.

Director: But Olive Garden customers would.

[Scarlett and Mikey act like they’re holding their laugh]

Nailed it. There it is.

[Kenan still has his face in the pasta]

Kenan: Sir, can I take my face off of pasta now?

Director: Not just yet, sweater guy. I want to make sure we have this. Now, yellow top.

Leslie: I’m not putting my head in no pasta.

Director: Of course not. Just enjoy the taste of the pasta.

[Leslie eats some pasta and enjoys it]

Yes. Yes. That’s great. That’s great. You’re chewing, tasting and you just had a big old orgasm. [Leslie opens her eyes and stares upwards] Amazing. That’s it. Yeah, love those eyes. Love that. Look at those. Great! Yes, that’s great. Now, blonde hair, can I see that from you?

[Scarlett is acting like she’s having an orgasm]

Yes. Yes. Great with the lip. Yes, that’s great. Thanks exactly what I’m looking for. Okay. Blue shirt, you’re up.

[Mikey starts acting like he’s having an orgasm]

Amazing. The Veal Primarini is pushing all your buttons. There it is! And yeah. Great. And now sweater guy, take your face out of the pasta and let’s see that from you as well.

[Kenan makes his orgasm face]

Yeah, you’re really loving it. Yeah. That’s perfect. Now, put your face just back in the bowl of pasta.

Kenan: I really would rather not–

Director: And go.

[Kenan puts his face in the pasta bowl]

Okay, now yellow top, look at sweater guy like, “Lordy, give me the strength.”

[Leslie is pissed off]

And cut! Yes, perfect. Guys, really wonderful. I think I’ve got everything I need. And no promises, but I hear they may use some of you guys in their print campaign too.

[Cut to print campaign pictures of Leslie]

Alien Attack Cold Open

General… Kenan Thompson

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Alien… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the year 2018, aliens landed on earth. They did not come in peace.

[Cut to General briefing his soldiers]

General: Men, women, the hour is upon us. [cheers and applause] The aliens are stronger than we thought which means the fight for humanity begins now. We may be down but we are not out. We’ve lost limbs. We’ve lost lives. But we will not lose the United States of America. Now, let’s get out there, destroy those aliens and save the human race. But first, your commander in chief wants to say a word.

[Donald Trump walks in. He is also wearing a military jacket.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, yes. What a beautiful day. Who here loves Trump? I know this guy over here, [pointing at dead man] he loves Trump. Now, here’s the deal. We are going to beat these aliens because we have got the best military, but we don’t win anymore. And the aliens are laughing at us. They’re killing us and they’re laughing at us.

General: We know that aliens are killing us, sir. They have the most advanced weponized technology we have ever seen. What should we do?

Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what we do. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We are going to bring coal back. Okay? We’re going to have so much coal, you’re going ty say, “Where did all this coal come from? I never knew there could be so much coal.”

General: But Mr. President, what about the aliens? They just vaporized the entire state of California.

Donald Trump: So then, I won the popular vote?

General: Sir, please. Everyone in California is dead.

Donald Trump: Even Arnold?

General: Sir, yes, we are dealing with a highly advanced species here. They are from Zorblat-9. Their ships are invisible. They’re telepathic.

Donald Trump: Okay. No, we don’t know that they are from Zorblat-9. I’ve actually heard Zorblat-9 is very beautiful, very fantastic.

Kyle: Oh, my god. Does he have business ties on Zorblat-9?

[explosion sound]

Beck: General, the aliens are outside the base.

General: Mr. President, please. We have to do something. Look how much the aliens control. This is the aliens and this is us. [showing all United States map captured by the aliens except them.]

Donald Trump: This is us?

General: Yes.

Donald Trump: That is a great show. “This Is Us.” I can’t watch it because it’s on NBC and NBC has been unfair to me.

Alex: Sir, I have terrible news. New York city has been attacked. And Trump Hotel has been completely destroyed causing $50 million in damages.

Donald Trump: More like $1 billion.

Alex: Well, luckily no lives were lost because no one was staying at the hotel.

Donald Trump: That’s not true. Everyone loves to stay at my hotel. I’m sure a bunch o top shelf classy people died there.

[explosion sound]

Aidy: The aliens, they’re coming.

Donald Trump: I actually heard the aliens are already here. They have been hiding in this country for hundreds of years. It’s a fact. They’re shapeshifters. They look like regular people, but they’re aliens. Look, there’s one right there. [pointing at Leslie]

Leslie: What? I am not an alien.

Donald Trump: Yes, she is. And so is the woman next to her right there. [pointing at Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, no.

General: Sir, where are you getting this information?

Donald Trump: From a very reputable source.

General: What? The FBI, CIA?

Donald Trump: Info Wars, it’s a radio show hosted by Alex Jones. You know he is legit because he’s always taking off his shirt. Okay? And that is why I hair-by demand– Sorry, I here be bedamned– Sorry, I Fergie Dabid– Sorry, I Gigi Hadid that we launch a full investigation into these two aliens right now. They’re inside the base. [explosion]

Kate: General, they’re here. They’re inside the base.

General: Alright, troops. The time has come to fight as brothers, as sisters, as Americans. Now join me in the pledge of allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the flag of …

All soldiers: The United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under god. [Donald Trump is speaking gibberish because he doesn’t know what to say] Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

[Aliens walk in]

Alien: Humans! Resistance is futile. Take me to your leader.

Donald Trump: [pointing at General] It’s him. He’s the president.

General: No, I’m not. You are.

Alien: Really? This is gonna be so easy.

Alien, General and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.