Tag: Beck Bennett

Totino’s with Kristen Stewart

Vanessa Bayer

Sabine… Kristen Stewart

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a group os guys watching football]

Beck: Come on, yes!

Kyle: Go, go, go, go.

All: Touchdown!

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Is everyone enjoying the big game?

Beck: Oh, come on babe, don’t act like you know sports.

[Cut to Wife in the kitchen]

Wife: [smiling] My husband’s right. When it comes to the big game, there’s only one thing I know about, feeding my hungry guys.

All: No, no! Fumble!

Wife: And this year’s game is bigger than ever. Which means I’ll be feeding them more Totinos than ever.

Beck: Babe, we need more Totinos, Dave just got here.

Wife: Not a problem, because this year I’ve got the new Totino’s Totino two-pack. It’s twice the Totino for twice the hungry guys.

Beck: Enough yapping, we need the Totinos. Ted’s here too, and he brought his sister.

Wife: Great, more hands to help me make delicious Totinos pi–

[Wife looks at Sabine and gets mesmerized.]

[music playing]

Pizza rolls. Oh, my!

[Sabine walks to Wife]

Sabine: Hi. I’m Sabine. what’s your name?

Wife: I never had one.

Sabine: That’s a shame.

[Wife turns around and starts putting the Totino rolls on tray. Sabine starts putting the rolls and slowly touches Wife’s hands.]

Wife: I should bring these out.

Sabine: No, stay with me.

Wife: But– what about my hungry guys?

Sabine: What are you hungry for?

Guys: Go, go, go, yes! Touchdown! Hey, babe, we need those Totinos, what’s going on back there?

[Wife and Sabine are in the kitchen hugging each other and dancing softly.]

[Wife is drawing a picture of Sabine eating Totinos.]

[Wife looks away]

Sabine: What is it?

Wife: Every big game before this one, I’ve been asleep. But, Sabine, [speaking in French. The subtitle reads ‘You have awoken me. I feel like we are the only two people on Earth.’]

Beck: They’re gonna punt.

[Wife and Sabine open their clothes and slowly touches each other’s skin with Totinos.]

Wife: [In French] My husband has his Totinos. And you are my Totino.

Beck: Babe, what’s taking so long with those Totinos? You girls making out back there?

[The guys laugh]

Bobby: You’re crazy.

[Wife and Sabine are actually making out]

Female voice: Totino. This spring, find your Totino.

Beck: Babe? Babe?

Welcome Video

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Customs Officer… Kate McKinnon

Visitor… Melissa Villaseñor

[Stars with video clips of US flag and iconic places from US]

[Cut to Cecily at the airport]

Cecily: Hello. Bonjour. Hola. Konichiwa. And welcome to the United States. As you’re waiting in line, this video will let you know what to expect and what is required to pass through US customs. We take our border very seriously. Be sure to pay attention and we’ll get you going as soon as po–

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Portions of this video have been recently edited.

Cecily:  Let’s go ove a few documents you’ll need. First, your completed customs form. You’ll lso need a valid passport from your country of origin.

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Not including Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, Somalia, Sudan or Yemen. And maybe Australia. We’ll see.

Cecily: Our priority is to make this process easy for each and every one of you.

Oh wait, he’s good. Come on in, bud. [zooming to a kid] Aw, no.

Cecily: In addition, you may be asked to provide a few–

Male voice: Hundred.

Cecily: — simple–

Male voice: Confusing.

Cecily: Forms. If you need assistance, there will be someone–

Male voice: No one.

Cecily: — to help you. With all your forms filled out, proceed ahead–

Male voice: Also form C-9, F-12, and D-9B.

Cecily: — you’re almost done.

[Cut to Male speaking inside US Department of Homeland Security office]

Male voice: Getting started. Effective immediately, all visitors will be subject to extreme vetting procedures including a highly detailed questionnaire. [Showing questionnaire with a question “Are you Muslim?”] We also need fingerprints, blood sample, urine sample, stool sample. And you will be required to eat a hot dog in front of us.

[phone ringing] Hello, yeah, it’s going- The video is coming along really well.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You can now approach the customs desk. When you reach the customs officer, she will–

Male voice: He will.

Cecily: — ask you a series of questions, such as-

Customs officer: What is the purpose of your visit?

Visitor: I’m here to see my mother. She is a–

Male voice: Terrorist.

Customs officer: What is your occupation?

Visitor: I am a certified nurse.

Male voice: Drug dealer.

Customs officer: Welcome to the United States.

Male voice: Go home please. Okay, I understand. Bye. America first.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Congratulations. And welcome to the United States. A land of opportunity from sea–

Male voice: Trump Tower.

Cecily: — to shining.

Male voice: To Trump Tower.

[Cut to Male speaking inside US Department of Homeland Security office]

[phone ringing]

Judge blocked the ban? No! Please, I just made the whole video!

Vladimir Putin Cold Open

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video message]

Male voice: And now a paid message from the Russian Federation.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin in his office. He is not wearing any shirt.]

Vladimir Putin: Hello, America. Yesterday we all made Donald Trump the 45th president of the United States. Hurray! We did it! Huh? And today, many of you are scared and marching in the streets. You are worried that your country is in the hands of this unpredictable man, but don’t worry. It’s not. [smirking] Relax! I got this. Put is going to make everything okay. I promise that we will take care of America. It’s the most expensive thing we’ve ever bought.

I know many of you Americans are skeptical of president Trump. Many Russians were skeptical of me at first too. But today, nobody ever seems to hear from any of them. It’s like, they’re gone. It always works out. So, why are American women protesting? Huh? In Russian, women have no reason to protest. Listen to this woman.

[Olya Povlatsky walks in with a piece of paper to read]

Olya Povlatsky: Hello, I am Olya, a Russian woman. I am so happy. Each day I wake up with big smile on my face like this. [making horrified face] Ah! I sleep in bed, not in carcass of dog. My president is number one hottie for all time.

Vladimir Putin: Whoa, whoa. That’s a lot, but it’s fair. Here you go. [Vladimir Putin pulls a fish out and gives it to Olya Povlatsky]

Olya Povlatsky: Wow! My pension.

[Olya Povlatsky runs out]

Vladimir Putin: Now, do I think your new president is perfect? Hah, perhaps not. But don’t worry. I will get him there. Donald, let’s talk as friends. You’re not off to a great start, man! I thought you’d be better at this. However, I’m glad to see so many people showed up to your inauguration.

[Cut to a huge crowd]

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Oh, wait. That’s the women’s march. Here is inauguration.

[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump’s inauguration crowd]

[Cut to Vladimir Putin shaking his head]

And today you went to the CIA and said 1 million people came to see you in Washington DC? If you’re going to lie, don’t make it so obvious. Say that you are friends with LeBron James, not that you are LeBron James.

And I saw your speech too. It was a little bleak, no? Trust me. I know bleak. I wake up every day and I’m in Russia. Also, your whole inauguration was kind of heavy on the god stuff, huh? I never heard you say god that much. And I have tapes of you having sex. What was with the outfit on Kellyanne Conway? Look?

[Cut to a picture of Kellyanne Conway wearing weird dress.]

I mean, does she work for you or is she holding the door for people at FAO Schwartz? I still love you, Kellyanne. Also a dear friend.

So listen, America. It’s going to be fine. Frankly, wouldn’t it be nice to have a good relationship between our countries again? Russia is leading exporter of so many things Americans need, like, oil, track suits and scary pornography. Hah? And who knows? One day your country could be as happy as we are here in Russian. We are not divided. [Olya Povlatsky is looking a Vladimir Putin from outside the window that’s behind Vladimir Putin] You know, like you. Because all our people are so glad for their freedom. So, America, it’s going to be a long four years for many of you. But remember, we are in this together. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Pizza Town

Carozzi… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Peppi Ronnie… Aziz Ansari

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Steve… Mikey Day

Marynara… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Carozzi hiding in an abandoned Pizza Town]

Carozzi: [talking on the phone] Cops are all over the stash house. So, I’m laying low at the abandoned Pizza Town off route. Look, if you find that snitch, you kill him.

[Two cops walk in pointing a gun at Carozzi]

Beck: Freeze, Carozzi. [to his partner] See if you can find the fuse box and get some light on it.

[Kenan runs to turn lights on]

Carozzi: How did you find me?

Beck: One of you boys ratted you out. Your whole operation’s going down.

Carozzi: Who ratted? Was it Marco?

Beck: Let me worry about that.

Kenan: Found the fuse box.

[the lights turn oh. There’s a robot band on the stage of the restaurant.]

[music playing]

Peppi Ronnie: I’m Peppi Ronnie. [singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie

Let’s all eat pizza, pizza
let’s all eat pizza pie
I am a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza guy

Beck: Why’d you turn this thing one?

Kenan: I don’t know. It’s just one switch.

Beck: Don’t do anything stupid, Carozzi.

Peppi Ronnie: Say hi to my pizza pals.

[Jeff is playing drums wearing chef uniform]

Jeff: I’m Chef Jeff, and I make-a the pizzas.

[Steve is playing guitar that looks like a pizza]

Steve: I’m Cheesy Steve and I shred the guitar-mesan.

[guitar solo playing]

[Marynara is playing tamborine]

Marynara: And I’m Sauce-some Marynara on the Tamborine.

Peppi Ronnie: We are Peppi-Ronnie and the Pizza Pals, and we’ll be right pizza!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

[Carozzi is tryin to pull something out of his jacket]

Beck: Hey! Hey! That’s a bad idea.

Kenan: Yeah, I know, right? They should have Marynara on the keyboards instead of tambourine. Ha-ha. There’s so much synth in that song.

Beck: I’m not talking about the pizza band.

[siren sound]

Sounds like our backup’s here.

Peppi Ronnie: That sound was the birthday siren! [music playing] It’s someone’s birthday!

[singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like the birthday pie
go happy pizza birthday
birthday girl, birthday guy

Congratulations to–

Recorded voice: Samora.

Peppi Ronnie: Who turnes–

Recorded voice: Nine.

Peppi Ronnie: And is is celebrating with–

Recorded voice: Mom and Gary.

Peppi Ronnie: Cowabunga!

Recorded voice: Lope.

Peppi Ronnie: Here’s a joke just for you. Did you hear about the pizza with no toppings? There was mushroom (much room) for improvement!

Steve: That’s cheesy!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: You get it? Ha-ha. Mushroom for improvement. Yeah, that’s clever.

Carozzi: Hey, i’m not going back to jail.

Beck: Shut up. I don’t want to shoot you, Carozzi. Now I’m coming over and taking you in.
[music playing and the stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: [singing] Don’t you want some pizza
don’t you want some pizza

[music stops]

Oh! Who ordered anchovies?

[fog horn]

PIzza!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: That’s good. Nobody likes anchovies.

Beck: Stop watching the pizza band.

[Beck walks towards Carozzi to handcuff him]

Carozzi: I want a lawyer, okay?

Beck: Well, it’s not gonna help you, Corozzi. Come on, let’s take him in.

Kenan: Yeah, you go ahead. I’m gonna stay behind and wait for forensics.

[The stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: Hey, who here likes to dance?

[Kenan looks around]

Kenan: I do.

Peppi Ronnie: Then let’s crust a move!

[music playing]

[Kenan starts dancing]

[singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie

 

La La Land Interrogation

Damarco… Cecily Strong

Santagelli… Beck Bennett

Mr. Shah… Aziz Ansari

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Damarco and Santagelli getting inside the interrogating room. Mr. Shah is a suspect.]

Damarco: Well, well, well. Look who it is.

Santagelli: You smell that, Damarco?

Damarco: Yeah! It’s a big fat piece of dog crap.

Mr. Shah: I’m sorry. What? I’ve been in this room for two hours and no one will tell me what I did.

Damarco: Shut up, punk! You know what you did.

Santagelli: I can’t even look at you. You disgust me.

Damarco: Last night, 7 PM. Ring any bells?

Mr. Shah: [shaking head] Yeah. I was on a date with this new girl I’m seeing. Call her. She’ll tell you.

Santagelli: No need. We’ve got the security footage for your little date right here.

Damarco: It’s gonna help put you away for a very long time. Roll it, Santagelli.

[Santagelli plays the tape on the TV]

[Cut to Mr. Shah’s date with Aidy]

Aidy: So, what’s been your favorite movie this year? Mine was ‘La La Land’. Hands down.

Mr. Shah: ReallY?

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, it was good, but I thought it kind of dragged in the middle.

[Cut to the interrogation room. Santagelli turns off the TV.]

Damarco: What do you have to say for yourself you sick son of a bitch?

Mr. Shah: What do you mean?

[Damarco walks to Mr. Shah and gets aggressive]

Damarco: ‘La La Land’ is a perfect film!

Mr. Shah: Whoa! Okay! I mean, I liked it. I just thought there were too many montages in the middle.

Damarco: that’s how you show the passage of time you dumb mother–

Santagelli: [interrupting] Damarco! Damarco!

Damarco: Sorry. I just– Ryan Gosling didn’t learn piano from scratch so some little prick could come and nitpick.

Santagelli: Listen, Mr. Shah, we’re on your side. Just help us understand why you said what you said about this gorgeous musical.

Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I mean, I liked it. It was fun. The singing was good. I mean I guess I just didn’t think it was like amazing singing.

Santagelli: [yelling] That’s the f-ing point!

Damarco: They’re just regular people falling in love and singing.

Santagelli: And they weren’t singing to a track. They were really singing on the day.

Damarco: Yeah, yeah. I’d like to see you sing on the day you dumb sack of–

[Damarco throws the chair to one sided see through mirror and breaks it.]

Santagelli: Now, I’m gonna show you a picture and I want you to tell me what you see, alright?

[Santagelli puts a picture on the table]

Mr. Shah: A bloody woman?

Santagelli: Oh, sorry, that’s from our other case. [Santagelli shows a picture of an award] Now, what do you see?

Mr. Shah: That’s a Golden Globe.

Damarco: Yeah. Yeah it is. Now tell me, why would a bad movie win seven of these?

Santagelli: I mean, I’m just wondering, you know, what do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’? Huh? [Santagelli gets aggressive and holds on Mr. Shah’s collar] What do you like if you don’t like ‘La La Land’?

Mr. Shah: I don’t know. I guess, ‘Moonlight’.

Santagelli: Oh, ‘Moonlight’, so good.

Damarco: Yes, Moonlight’s so important. So good. Yeah.

Santagelli: Yeah, yeah.

Mr. Shah: Did you guys see it?

Santagelli: Oh, you know, no. But I want to. I just can’t get myself to go.

Damarco: Yeah, just coz I know it’s gonna be a whole thing.

Mr. Shah: What do you mean a whole thing?

Santagelli: Hey, don’t try and turn this on us, you sick pervert.

Mr. Shah: Pervert? Listen, I liked the movie. I just didn’t love it! It’s a whole movie about jazz and there’s no black people in it.

Damarco: Oh, oh, oh. Weird. Santagelli, now I didn’t realize John Legend was white.

Santagelli: Yeah, weird, Damarco. Last time I checked, John Legend was black.

Mr. Shah: Come on, guys.

Damarco: Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, and Santagelli, I didn’t realize that the couple on the bridge was also white?

Santagelli: Oh, yeah, Damarco. I could have sworn, they were black. Yeah, he was black, she was black.

Mr. Shah: Okay, wait. I don’t remember a bridge scene. That might have been when I feel asleep.

[Santagelli walks to Mr. Shah and puts him down on the table]

Santagelli: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you what?

Mr. Shah: I fell asleep for just like a sec.

Santagelli: Tell me you saw them dancing in the sky.

Mr. Shah: What?

Santagelli: I wanna hear it. Tell me you say them dancing in the sky.

Mr. Shah: I don’t think so. Was that like a huge plot point?

Santagelli: [yelling] No! It was just lovely, and that’s okay.

Damarco: Not everything has to be plot. God!

Mr. Shah: I just liked ‘Manchester by the sea’.

Damarco: Hey! News flash, you can like them both!

[Vanessa gets in with Kenan on handcuffs]

Aidy: Excuse me officers, I have another one. Mind if I put him in here?

Damarco: Yeah. Go ahead.

[Vanessa walks out]

Kenan: Hey, what’s up, man?

Mr. Shah: You didn’t like ‘La La Land’ either?

Kenan: Na, I didn’t like ‘Westworld’. It’s too slow. I thought the finale could have been the premiere.

Damarco and Santagelli: [yelling] They had to build up to that!

[The End]

Kellyanne Conway

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with The Lead with Jake Tapper intro]

[Cut to Jake Tapper in his news set]

Jake Tapper: Welcome back to The Lead. We’re speaking with Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s campaign manager turned white house counselor.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, Jake.

Jake Tapper: President Trump said his first foreign trip may be to meet with Vladimir Putin. Isn’t that troubling?

Kellyanne Conway: Actually, no, it’s not. And the thing to remember about Russia is that we won and I don’t know why you keep bringing up the election.

Jake Tapper: I’m not. I’m talking about Russia. Doesn’t Trump’s relationship with Putin concern you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Actually what does concern me is that she didn’t go to Michigan and she lost and we won and we did win.

Jake Tapper: Oh my god, why do you do this?

Kellyanne Conway: Do what, Jake?

Jake Tapper: Com on here every single day and do this. What do you get out of this?

Kellyanne Conway: I love Trump. And I believe in Trump. And the reason I joined his campaign is because I thought he was going to be the president for all people.

Jake Tapper: Really? That’s really what you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Mm, yes, that’s what I thought.

Jake Tapper: And that’s all you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Well– [music starts playing] I guess if I’m being completely honest, Jake, I just also think–

[Kellyanne Conway starts dancing and singing]

[singing] The name on everybody’s lips is gonna be, “Conway”
the lady raking in the chips is gonna be Conway
I’m gonna be a celebrity
that means somebody everyone knows
they’re gonna recognize my eyes,
my hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose

Ooh, I’m gonna join sag

From just some dumb Blueberry farm I’m gonna be Conway
who says the lying’s not an art?
And when they google just okay
my name will come up before Kanye
Kellyanne Conway

[Cut back to the news set]

Jake Tapper: Now, Kellyanne, starting yesterday, you are now counselor to the president.

Kellyanne Conway: Mm-hmm. Yes, I am. I am that.

Jake Tapper: You have the president’s ear and a real opportunity to effect change in the White House.

[Kellyanne Conway looks surprised]

Kellyanne Conway: Oh my god, Jake, you’re right. Do you know what this means?

[singing] boys!

Boys: They’re gonna wait outside in line to get to see Conway
Kellyanne Conway: Think of those autographs I’ll sign, good luck to you

Boys: Conway!

Kellyanne Conway: An I’ll appear in a sleeveless dress on any show they’ll let me do

Boys: Meet the press, Anderson, Hannity, Fox & Friends

Kellyanne Conway: And if they I’ll do ‘The Chew’
Ooh, I’m a star
and the audience loves me and I love them
and they love me for loving them
and I love them for loving me
and we love each other

Hey, know what’s weird?
This time last year, I supported Ted Cruz
I said Donald Trump acted unpresidential
It’s on tape.

But hey, that’s show biz, Kel

Boys: She’s giving up her humdrum life

Kellyanne Conway: I’m gonna be Conway

Boys: She treats the news just like a play

Kellyanne Conway: And when the world goes up in flames
at least for now they knew my name
Kellyanne Conway

Theatre Donor

Terry Henry… Vanessa Bayer

Albie Durberry… Mikey Day

Keely… Felicity Jones

Jack… Beck Bennett

Genevieve… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Terry Henry announcing the opening of a theater]

Terry Henry: Good evening. I’m Terra Henry, Artistic Director here at the brand new Albie Durberry Theater.  [applause] This is all possible, thanks to one incredible generous donor who joins us this evening, Mr. Albie Durberry, who turned a 106 years young this month. [applause] I know that leaving your house is quite an ordeal, sir. And we are so grateful for the effort both you and your nurse Keely put in to join us.

[Albie Durberry tries to stand. Keely holds and helps him]

Keely: He wanted to say something.

Albie Durberry: For the amount of money I spent, this play better be good.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Terry Henry: And now, the world premier of “The Rainstorm.”

[The lights dim and the play starts. There’s a coat hanger. Jack and Genevieve walk in.]

Jack: The train was a zoo. I almost didn’t get a seat.

Genevieve: Ah!

Jack: And how was your day?

Genevieve: Quiet.

Albie Durberry: Keely! What’s this play about?

Keely: Shh, we’ll find out.

Jack: Oh, wonderful. Another evening of Genevieve in a melancholy haze. What is it now, darling?

Genevieve: Just leave me along, Jack.

Albie Durberry: Keely! I can’t hear them.

Jack: All you ever do is cry anymore.

Albie Durberry: What?

Jack: Why couldn’t you be a happy drunk?

Albie Durberry: Who?

Keely: Shh.

Genevieve: What is that supposed to mean?

Jack: I’m– I’m sorry.

[beep beep]

Keely: It’s time for you yogurt.

Albie Durberry: Now? I hate that horrid paste.

Genevieve: Don’t be. You’re angry. I’m jealous. [Keely is feeding Albie Durberry yogurt behind]  You feel something. I feel nothing lately. No life has become as gray as the– [Albie Durberry is trying his best not to eat yogurt] — clouds I see out of the window.

[Keely puts yogurt in Albie Durberry’s mouth forcefully. Albie Durberry spits it all out.]

Albie Durberry: I’m not an infant. I can feed myself.

Keely: No. You’ll make a mess.

[Albie Durberry throws everything away]

[looking at other audiences] I’m so sorry sir, are we disturbing you?

Kenan: Yes, very much.

[Jack is trying to cheer Genevieve up.]

Jack: There, cheer up. Dance with me, Genevieve like we used to.

[Jack and Genevieve start dancing]

God, it feels like yesterday.

[Jack and Genevieve start humming]

[warning alert]

Keely: Sir, I need to disinfect your chair.

Albie Durberry: Make it quick, Keeley, I’m enjoying the play.

[Albie Durberry’s wheelchair makes loud noise and is spraying something]

Jack: [shouting so everyone can listen] Come to bed! Come to bed! [Albie Durberry’s wheelchair stops making noise] Come to bed with me. I haven’t touched you in so long.

Genevieve: I– I can’t.

Jack: Christ, Genevieve, you are my wife.

Genevieve: Well, what do you want me to do?

Wheelchair robot: Change medical stockings.

[Keely is trying to change medical stockings]

Albie Durberry: No! No, Keely, you’ll make a scene. No, don’t change my socks. [Keely is trying it forcefully] Keely!

Keely: I need to change your therapeutic socks.

Albie Durberry: No. You’ll make a scene, Keely.

Keely: Or you won’t get your caramel candy after supper.

Albie Durberry: No, not my caramel, Kelly! No! No!

[Keely is making Albie Durberry change]

Genevieve: The truth is Jack isn’t a bad man. He provides, he’s kind, most nights.

Albie Durberry: No! No!

Genevieve: Faithful, I think. And he’d be a wonderful father but I don’t– I don’t love him. I’ve never said that before.

Keely: Can you hold his toes still?

Kenan: I’d rather not, but okay.

[Kenan stands and holds Albie Durberry’s body]

Albie Durberry: Keely! This man is attacking me.

Keely: Catch him and hold stiff.

Albie Durberry: No, I need to leave. Goodbye. Come with me. Bye, you crazy man.

Keely: No!

[Albie Durberry starts moving away. His wheelchair is electric.]

Albie Durberry: Oh! Come with me, Keely! Come with me!

Keely: Mr. Durberry! Mr. Durberry!

[phone ringing]

I’m so sorry.

[It’s Kenan’s phone.]

Kenan: Sorry.

Jack: Come on, man! We’re trying to do a play up here. Insane!

The Princess and the Curse

Aidy Bryant

Maleficent… Kate McKinnon

Princess… Felicity Jones

Prince… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy holding a baby in a dark stormy night.]

Aidy: Oh! Hush, little one. Don’t cry. You’re a princess and no one can ever hurt you.

[Maleficent walks in]

No!

Maleficent: Pleased to make your acquaintance, your majesty. I brought you a gift.

Aidy: Not the curse!

Maleficent: [thundering] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Aidy: No!

[Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper]

[Cut to 18 years later]

[Princess is looking into a water fountain. Prince walks in.]

Prince: Princess Viola.

Princess: My prince. I’ve missed you so but you must leave. It’s almost dark.

Prince: But why do you always make me go.

Princess: Don’t ask me all these questions, my prince.

Prince: Well then let me ask you this one. [Prince gets on his knee] Princess viola, will you be my bride?

Princess: Oh, Prince Benedict, nothing would bring more joy. But I have a terrible secret. If you knew, you’d never want to see me again.

Prince: Nonsense.

Princess: You see, my love, shortly after my birth, I was cursed by an evil sorceress.

Prince: No curse could keep me from loving you.

Princess: As soon as the night falls, I become something else. I– I transform.

Prince: [laughing] What do you become? A beast? An Ogre? Whatever it is, I will always love you.

Princess: You swear?

Prince: I swear upon a thousand lifetimes that I will love you till the day I die.

Princess: Well, okay. I become– me, but 15 pounds heavier. I’m so relieved to hear you don’t care.

Prince: Uh-huh.

Princess: That I’ll be your’s and you’ll be mine forever.

Prince: Umm.

Princess: Is that a problem?

Prince: Well, of course not, my dear. There are much more horrid creatures you could become. Just… 15 pounds where?

Princess: What?

Prince: Like, is it just in your butt or is there some in your boobs?

Princess: No, it’s kind of all over.

Prince: Got it.

Princess: Some people say I look better with the 15 pounds.

Prince: Oh, like, your friends? Or girls? Oh, dang! I just realized I have a thing until the end of time.

Princess: I knew it. I’ve lost you.

[thundering]

[Maleficent appears in the woods]

Maleficent: There is one way to break the spell, but in order to do so, you must make a sacrifice, dear prince.

Prince: I will do anything if it frees the princess form the terrible curse.

Maleficent: At night, you will lose one quarter of an inch from your penis.

Prince: No!

Princess: Yeah, no. We can’t afford to lose that.

Maleficent: Alright. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper]

Movie Interview

Amy Lapore… Cecily Strong

Adam Perkins… Kyle Mooney

Sarah Wilner… Felicity Jones

Sam Stevens… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Fandango All Access video bumper]

[Cut to Amy Lapore in her set]
Amy Lapore: Hi, I’m Amy Lapore and you’re watching Fandango All Access. Fandango was just a website. Now look at us. I’m here with writer/director Adam Perkins.

Adam Perkins: Thank you for having me.

Amy Lapore: Adam, this week you joined a growing chorus of actors and directors speaking to Hollywood’s invaluable role in politics. You tweeted, “Now, more than ever we artists must rise up, dig deep, and create.” Can you say a little more about that?

Adam Perkins: Thanks, Amy. Yeah. People really responded to that. You know, in this political climate, artists have a responsibility to make good work, no matter the cost.

Amy Lapore: Also joining me are Sarah Wilner and Sam Stevens.

Sarah Wilner: Hi.

Sam Stevens: Good to be here.

Amy Lapore: They’re the stars of Adam’s new movie, ‘Hot Robot 3: Journey to Boob Mountain.’ Now, we know from the first Hot Robot movie that, Sarah, you play hot robot, bisexual robot exchange student from Sweden.

Sarah Wilner: That’s right, Amy. There’s so much about her story that resonates today because Hot Robot is an immigrant and also Hot Robot is a robot.

Amy Lapore: And Sam, you fall in love with Hot Robot as Danny Burke, A.K.A. Skidmark.

Sam Stevens: Yes. Um, it was great to dive back into Skidmark.

Amy Lapore: Now, it’s been said the Hot Robot movies dare to ask the question, “What if American Pie had robots?” In ‘Journey to Boob Mountain’, what’s changed?

Sarah Wilner: Amy, I think the actual world around us has changed in a very scary way. The third Hot Robot film has a duty to reflect that. That’s why Hot Robot’s boos have gotten bigger and pointier.

Sam Stevens: Absolutely. In Robot 1, Skidmark first catches Hot Robot’s eye–

Amy Lapore: By making a bong out of hamburger buns.

Sam Stevens: In the cafeteria of college. Right. Yes. Um, but in the third film, Skidmark and his buddy Tweezer go to the factory Double D4 20, to get all the Hot Robots to harness their boob energy.

Adam Perkins: Yeah. Obviously, there’s a lot of anger about the election in that choice, but also a lot of hope. You know, if we could all harness out boob energy, who knows what we could accomplish?

Sarah Wilner: Yes. Now more than ever, artists must speak truth to power. I mean, that’s what the whole horny grandma scene is about.

Amy Lapore: Um, you’re talking about the scene where the nerd robot loses his virginity to a bus full of grandmas?

Sam Stevens: Absolutely–

Adam Perkins: I think that–

Sam Stevens: Oops, please, go ahead.

Adam Perkins: No, no.

Sam Stevens: No, please.

Adam Perkins: Well, thank you. I think that scene is about all of us. I think the horny grandmas are storytellers.

Amy Lapore: I noticed that all the grandmas were played by twenty year olds. Was that deliberate?

Adam Perkins: Ah! Good eye, Amy. Yeah, it was an illusion to utopia where no women are discarded because all women are hot.

Sarah Wilner: Oh! Sorry, that just gave me chills.

Amy Lapore: Alright, guys. Let’s get serious for a moment. The day after the election, you guys had a shoot day. What was that like?

Sam Stevens: Whew! Hmm, that was a hard one.

Sarah Wilner: Ah! Adam, who was so strong the whole day said, “Guys, just put everything you’re feeling about the election into this scene.”

Amy Lapore: I think we have a clip of that.

[Cut to the clip from the movie]

Sam Stevens: Ooh! We made it to Boob Mountain. But will I ever see you again?

Sarah Wilner: [robot voice] Me not know.

Sam Stevens: What about one last boink?

Sarah Wilner: [robot voice] Boink initiated.

[Sarah Wilner raises her both feet straight above her.

[Sam Stevens is shocked]

[Cut back to the show set]

Sarah Wilner: That was November 9th.

Amy Lapore: Wow. Alright, guys, I have one more question. And this is for anyone. If you could say anything to president-elect Trump, what would it be?

Sarah Wilner: I think I would quote my character, Hot Robot. “Me may be robot, but me love Skidmark until me go sleep sleep, bye-bye.”

Sam Stevens: [sobbing] I’m sorry. I just imagined Obama saying that.

Amy Lapore: Thanks for talking with me today, guys. ‘Hot Robot 3: Journey to Boob Mountain’ comes out January 15th, exclusively on Samsung Gear VR.

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Sherry Dillon… Cecily Strong

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Vladimi Putin… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a rebroadcast of Donald Trump’s first press conference as President-Elect.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his press conference]

Donald Trump: Hello. Thank you for coming. I’d like to start by answering the question that’s on everyone’s mind. Yes, this is real life. This is really happening. On January 28th, I Donald J. Trump will become the 45th president of the United States, and then two months later Mike Pence will become the 46th. I am so excited to live in the White House. I’m even gonna have a little pet like all the presidents do. Bill Clinton had Sox, Barack Obama had Bow and I’ll have Paul Ryan. I mean I’m not gay but I cannot wait to give it to that man for four years. Hey guys, who is excited for my inauguration day?

[cheers and applause]

Yes, thank you to those people over there who I definitely did not pay to do that. And we have got some of the biggest performers of the world lined up. Hold on to your tits and bits because we have got Three Doors Down. Also from America’s Got Talent, we’ve got Jackie what’s her face. Beast of all, we’ve got the One Rockette with the least money in her savings. We’ve also got some huge A list actors coming like, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. They’ll all be at my inauguration, courtesy of Madame Tussauds.

Now, as you all know, this is my first press conference in six months. There’s so much to talk about. I’m bringing jobs back. I’m picking the best cabinet. So, go ahead, ask me anything. Yes, you.

[Cut to Pere]

Pete: Hey, ABC news. I’d like to ask you about your big Russian pee-pee party.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. I am not talking about the pee-pee because because it didn’t happen and it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Next question.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yes. Justice Scalia’s death has left a vacancy on the supreme court. Many are wondering about your timeline for replacement. So I guess my question is, did you guys like all pee or just watch them pee?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys. No, no, I do not want to talk about the pee-pee. I want to talk about what is really important which is jobs, because I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs back to this country. The biggest, strongest, steadiest stream you’ve ever seen. This country will be literally showered with jobs. Because I am a major wiz at jobs. It will be a golden opportunity for me as a president to make a big splash. Now, who’s with me? I know you’re in. How about you? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? [sounds like ‘urine’] Okay. Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes, Mr. Trump, you and the republicans want to repeal Obamacare, but why would you do that before coming up with a replacement plan?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Because Obamacare is a disaster and I actually do have a replacement plan, okay? I just read about it this week. It’s a terrific plan, just great. It’s called the Affordable Care Act.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: That’s the same thing as Obamacare. And if you repeal it, 20 million people will lose their health insurance. I mean, people could die.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, sweetheart, I’m about to be president. We’re all going to die. Next question.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Yes. Mr. Trump, many people are concerned about all your business conflicts. Have you taken the proper steps to divest from your companies?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes, I have. I’ve turned over all my businesses to my two sons, Beavis and Butthead. They’re here today. Come and get a shot of them.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric]

Look at those two little American psychos. You can tell they’re good businessmen because of how licked back their hair is. Explain how it will work, boys.

Donald Trump Jr.: I’ll be in charge of the day to day operations as well as overseeing all new deals moving forward.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks boys. I know some of you think I”m not really divesting from my companies and it’s all a big scam. Here with actual proof of my tax lawyer.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tax lawyer. She is standing behind a table that has a lot of paper works on it.]

Sherry Dillon: Hello, yes, my name is Sherry Dillon. I’m his lawyer. And this right here are the papers to prove Mr. Trump is really divesting. I mean, look at all these papers. If he wasn’t divesting, how could there be so many dang papers? This paper’s here. This paper’s here. It’s like, “Help, help, lifeguard, I’m practically drowning in papers.” Still don’t believe me? I’ll read every paper out loud right now. Starting with this one, oh that’s right, they’re fake.

[Sherry Dillon walks away]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I’m loving this press conference. Love the press. I respect the press. Let’s take another question from press.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi. Yeah, I’m from Buzzfeed, and–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [interrupting] No, no, no, no. Not you, Buzzfeed. You’re a failing pile of garbage and you wanna know why? Because I took your quiz yesterday. I’ll tel you right now, I”m not a Joey, I am a Rachel. Who else has a question? I love the press.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: Um, Yes. Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, not CNN either. You’re overrated. Fake news. I tried to watch your network last night and it was just some crazy blonde woman sprouting lies.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: That was Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, right. God, I love Kellyanne. Everyday it looks like she does the ice bucket challenge with her make up. Next question.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Hi. Yes, Dr. Ben Carson’s confirmation hearing this week has characterized as shanky. Are you sure he’s qualified for this cabinet position?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let me tell you something. Ben Carson is great. He’s going to be the best brain surgeon to ever run the housing department.If he has any trouble, I just appointed someone yesterday to help him out. This man is an African American icon who has done so much for our country.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, is it congressman John Lewis? that man is a hero.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. I got someone even better. Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that’s right. It’s me Steve Harvey. Yeah, I do government now. Does this bode well for our country? Survey says! [wrong answer buzzer]

[Steve Harvey walks out]

Donald Trump: thank you, Steve. Let’s take another question.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Hello, Mr. Trump. The intelligence community has said definitively that Russia hacked the election. Why won’t you say one the records that you agree with them?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I will. I’m happy to say that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Then do it. Say Russia hacked the election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you. A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, fine! Russia hacked the election. are you happy, mom? Next question. Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, hello. I am American Journalist Wolf Blitzer. Are you sure Russia was behind hacking?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, maybe.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: But are you really, really sure? [showing Donald Trump pee-pee party video tape]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It was China. I mean Canada.  It was Meryl Streep. Okay. This press converence is over. Thank you all for peeing here– I mean, for pissing here– I mean being here. And Life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.