Tag: Cecily Strong

New Disney Movie

Pete Davidson

Bambi… Dwayne Johnson

Thumper… Taran Killam

Flower, Ludacris … Jay Pharoah

Faline… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a Disney movie teasers.]

Male voice: Walt Disney has brought the magic back by turning your favorite animated classics into live action. And in 2016, Disney brings you the biggest remake yet.

[Cut to Pete pinning a sign on a wood. The sign says ‘Hunting Season’.]

[A car stops behind him. Bambi walks out of the car.]

Pete: Who the hell are you?

[Cut to Bambi. He has big ears and is smoking.]

Bambi: I’m Bambi.

[Bambi starts shooting guns]

Male voice: From the duet of Furious 7, comes a new Disney Classic on Over Drive. Bambi. Starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson as Bambi.

[Bambi visits his mom’s graveyard]

Bambi: When I was a boy, they took away my mother.

[Cut to a deer hung on a wall]

[Cut to a boy screaming “Mommy”]

Now, it’s time for them to pay. Deerly!

[Cut to Thumper walking in. He has rabbit ears too.]

Male voice: Vin Diesel as Thumper.

[Cut to Bambi and Thumper]

Bambi: Why do they call you Thumper?

Thumper: Coz I’m always thumping.

Bambi: You’re always what?

Thumper: I’m always thumping.

Bambi: Yeah, yeah! It’s always something, huh?

Thumper: No. I’m always normal.

[Cut to Flower]

Male voice: Tyrese Gibson as Flower.

Flower: I smell bad, but I look good. Wow!

[Cut to Faline running and shooting.]

Male voice: And Michelle Rodriguez as Faline, AKA, the girl Bambi.

[Cut to Bambi, Thumper, Flower and Faline planning]

Bambi: They call themselves Tanglewood. They’re a hunting club. They kill for sport. Like it or not, we’re part of the game. Me, you and all our forest friends.

Thumper: I ain’t got friends. I got a herd.

Faline: It’s a suicide mission.

Bambi: Well, if we’re going out, we’re going out together.

Thumper: One last ride.

Flower: Whoow!

[A butter flies by and sits on Bambi’s nose]

[Cut to Bambi, Thumper, Flower and Faline walking with the guns going for the mission.]

[Cut to Bambi enters Tanglewood. There are two men sitting on sofas.]

Bambi: What’s the matter? Never seen a deer in the headlights?

[There is crossfire between the Tanglewood men and the animals]

Kyle: Where are they?

Bobby: When you see them, give me a sign.

[Cut to Bambi]

Bambi: Here’s the sign. Deer crossing mother-[bleep] [Bambi jumps and shoots]

Male voice: Bambi! Featuring the new single from Ludacris, “Wham, Bam, Bambi.”

[Cut to Ludacris music video]

Ludacris: [rapping] Wham, Bam, Bambi… Luda!

Male voice: Disney, Bambi. Get bucked, June 2016.

Improv Show

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Noah… Kyle Mooney

Robert Durst… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

[Starts with an Improvisational show]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, everyone. Let’s keep tonight moving. The next team is one of the best improv groups in the city. Give it up for Price Charmin’.

[music playing. Sasheer leaves the stage.]

[three guys and one lady come in dancing]

Aidy: Okay, turn it down in the booth, Frank. Thank you so much. We are Prince Charmin’. Everything you’re about to see is made up for you on the spot. It’s never been done before and it will never be done again.

[Noah walks front]

Noah: Yeah, one night only folks.

Aidy: [laughing] Okay, Noah. So, tonight we’re gonna improvise a whole show about one of you. So, who wants to get up here and get interviewed? Okay, yes! I see a small hand back there. Come on up here, dude. Come on up.

[Robert walks up]

Alright. Take a seat. What’s your name, bud?

Robert: My name is Robert Durst.

Aidy: Okay, Robert. So, Robert, please tell us a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Oh! I don’t know. I’m from Scarsdale. I have black eyes. And one time, I chopped off my best friend. I don’t know, I’m a psycho.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ai-yai-yai! Robert! This is a comedy show. So, let’s keep things a little bit lighter, okay?

Robert: Yeah, of course I can do that.

Aidy: So, robert, what did you do today?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, I woke up. I shaved off my eyebrows. Then for lunch, I went to Wegman’s. I stole a chicken salad sandwich. I had $400,000 cash in the car. I just didn’t want to pay for it. I don’t know.

[Cut to everybody. Noah walks front.]

Noah: Hey, treats are on this guy!

Aidy: [laughing] Noah, you’re crazy!

Robert: [poinging at Aidy] You have too much energy. What’s your address?

Aidy: I live right across from JFK. So, now Robert, is there any special lady in your life? Or gentleman! Or gentleman.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, there is one lady. Her name is Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ooh! And who is this Jeanine?

Robert: Um, she’s some bitch from New York.

Aidy: Oh, gosh! Well, I hope she’s not here tonight.

Jeanine: I am! [Cut to Jeanine] I’m always right behind you, Robert! And I’m gonna catch you with mine two gorgeously manicured hands. Or my name’s not Jeanine Pirro!

[Cut to the stage]

Robert: Ah! She’s gonna die.

[Beck walks front]

Beck: Um, what was that, dude?

Noah: You’re gonna kill her?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: [talking to himself] No, Robert. You did it again. Did what? Killed them all of course.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: Oh-oh! Okay. Very cool. Let’s give Robert up here a round of applause.

[everybody clapping]

[Robert leaves the stage]

Robert: What was this for?

Aidy: Okay, so now we’re gonna improvise a set based entirely on Robert Durst.

[Noah and Beck walk front]

Beck: Hey, will you hold this sandwich for me? I gotta go kill someone.

[Cut to Robert and Beck sitting next to each other in the audience.]

Robert: Oh, wow! That’s me!

[cheers and applause]

Dinner Date

Venessa Bayer

Jin… Kenan Thompson

Judy… Dwayne Johnson

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Venessa and Jin having dinner together at a restaurant]

Venessa: Jin, this dinner was amazing. What a perfect anniversary.

Jin: Oh, anything for you sweetheart.

[Judy and Jemma walk to Venessa and Jin]

Judy: Oh, ho! Oh, my god! Jin, this is crazy! You recognize me?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

This is nuts. I feel like just got F-ed in my brain without protection.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Uh, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having trouble placing you.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Judy Duty. Remember? We sent that guy to the chair together.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Oh, yeah.

Venessa: You sent a guy to the chair?

Jin: Well, I didn’t want to. I just needed it to end.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Ay, can we join you? Oh, we should. Oh, by the way, this is my girlfriend, Jemma. She’s British. Ay, but don’t get a boner when she talks, huh?

Jemma: [in British accent] Babe, don’t tuck me out so much. I’m Jemma. Okay, babe, let’s sit. I’m so hungry.

Judy: Scoot over lady. You got pretty of space. I don’t want to crunch him in and pop the bones back out your back.

Jemma: Okay, gross! Picturing you like that.

Judy: Oh, I’m sorry babe. I’m such a big bag of freaking meat balls. Ay, did I introduce you to my girl?

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma.

Venessa: Yes, we did this.

Judy: Yeah, yeah. She’s British. Tell em’ who you used to date.

Jemma: Footballers.

Judy: Isn’t that hot? Footballers. Makes you think about what she might do with her foot to you boy. Isn’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um…

Jemma: Babe! I want some nibble. Get some babe.

Judy: Oh, she means apps. She says nibbles. Hey, say it again.

Jemma: Nibbles.

Judy: A-ha-ha-ha. I’m as hard as a door knob right now. You know what I mean? You Jin? How about you?

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Umm… um…

Venessa: You’re not hard, are you Jin?

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Well, we need the apps. Where is the app guy? Where is the guy? The apps guy. We’re starving.

Jemma: Nibbles.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: We’re actually just finishing dessert and we were about to head home.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Yeah, it’s a bone, right? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ain’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um, possibly.

Jemma: Nibbles. I want nibbles now.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Ay, you guys have heard about onion rings? You gonna love em’.

[Waiter comes by]

Ay, you! How much are the onion rings? Like 25 cents a ring, right?

Waiter: We don’t really do it that way.

Jemma: Let’s get 200s.

Judy: Ha-ha. Babe, that’s like $800.

Jemma: Yeah, we can split it with them.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: Oh, no.

Jin: No.

[Cut to Judy, Jemma and Waiter]

Judy: Ay, yeah. Cool. Give me 200 onion rings, split it four ways. And quick checking out my girlfriend’s rack, hah!

Waiter: Okay.

Jemma: Babe, knock it off. [Cut to everybody] Quit being a mob.

Judy: She’s being shy. Isn’t that great? Is your’s shy? What’s her name?

Venessa: My name is–

Judy: No, no, no, no. I asked him. Ay, is she shy?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Women have to stand out girl power.

Judy: Ay, my girl likes your girl. They should be best friends now, right? Hey, do you wanna be best friends with that girl?

Jemma: Yeah, I really think so.

Judy: Jin, are you crazy stiff right now? I mean, that’s our girlfriends right. They’re like, best friends.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: You guys, it has been great running into you. But–

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you know what? She’s a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer. I’ve got a song called banana.

Judy: It’s a crazy hot club song. Imagine the track in the background.

[Judy starts banging on the sofa and Jemma starts singing.]

Jemma: [singing] Going out with my girls tonight

having fun with my girls tonight

big banana, long banana, short banana, white banana

let’s get bananas

five, four, three, two, banana.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]
Judy: Wow, how good was that?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: If you don’t have a boner right now, you should just kill yourself.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Nah, I’m good.

Venessa: Does that mean you have one?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter brings in the onion rings in a huge tray.]

Judy: Whoa! Hang on here. Hang on.! Who is this guy? Who is this guy looking at us like this?

Waiter: I’m your waiter. Remember? You just ordered 200 onion rings.

[Waiter puts the tray on the table]

Judy: You know what? I think you wanna kiss my girlfriend right in front of me. Like, I’m the joke of the day. I’ve got something for you. Come here.

[Judy pulls Waiter byhis collar and smashes his head on the table. Waiter faints.]

Jemma: Babe, is this an onion ring? That’s not what I thought. I don’t like this. It’s like, all onion. I can’t have onion.

Judy: Oh, well now what?

Jemma: Let’s give them to her.

[Cut to Venessa an Jin]

Jin: Yeah, she’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Yeah, yeah. We’ll just all hang out while she eats all these onion rings. And then when she’s done, then we’ll all leave.

Jemma: [clapping] Eat em’. Eat em’ up!

[Cut to everybody

Jin: Yeah. Start eating please.

[Venessa eats one onion ring]

Jemma: One! [claps]

[Venessa eats another onion ring]

Two! [claps]

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Girl at a Party

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was reported today that Boko Haram has joined forces with the terrorist group ISIS. Here with her thoughts on the subject is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at the party.

[The girl slides in]

The girl: Alright Michael. Thank me for having you back.

Michael Che: Thank– Alright, sure. Whatever. So, what do you think about this Boko Haram situation?

The girl: What do I think about it? [Cut to The girl] I think it is inexcusitive, okay? It’s a cardastrophy! It’s unremaginable! Just look at the sadistics, Michael.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

For every 10 people, there are 20 people. And what? We’re just supposed to give them all the death penalty? No! Like, American needs to grow up. But also, it needs to look like 15 years younger.

[Cut to The girl using her mobile phone]

I just friended you. Accept me.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. Is this still about Boko Haram?

The girl: Open your eyes, Michael. Measles, Ebola, charter school. Sometimes I’m like, Salami Hussain was right. [Cut to The girl] And then healthcare? Everyone’s talking about HMOs. Um, how about just calling them gay people?

[Cut to The girl Michael Che and The girl]

Michael Che: Okay, I don’t think anyone is following what the hell you are sayin.

The girl: Michael! How would you feel if I went into your neighborhood and burned your house down?

Michael Che: I’d feel bad.

The girl: Exactly! And that’s exactly how they feel.

Michael Che: Who?

The girl: Fires! [Cut to The girl] If you took all the homeless women in the world and set them on top of each other, pffft. Zynga, Michael. Zynga.

[Cut to Michael Che and The girl]

So, can I draw a cartoon of Mohammad real quick?

Michael Che: No!

The girl: Alright, fine! Fine. I need to give you this thing my friend Rhodney printed out. It’s a map quest directions. Like, nobody knows where it leads.

Michael Che: It says it on here. It’s direction to Forever 21.

The girl: By the way, Michael, what are you doing for spring break?

Michael Che: Oh, I might go to Puerto Rico.

The girl: Oh, I’m bringing democracy to Syria. Via Instagram. Oh look, it’s Karina. Karina! Are you dancing? Oh, she’s having a tiny seizure.

Michael Che: Okay, I think you just need to go.

The girl: Yeah! Actually, I do need to go Michael. Coz some of us are actually solving progress. [audience laughing] Coz if we don’t, in 800 years our children won’t even be alive. So, can I draw a cartoon of Mohammad real quick?

Michael Che: No!

The girl: Alright. Now, close your eyes. [Michael Che closes his eyes] Open them. [Michael Che opens his eyes] Close them. [Michael Che closes his eyes] Open just the left. [Michael Che opens his left eye] Wink at me. [Michael Che winks at The girl] Congratulations, that’s assault.

Michael Che: The girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation at the party, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Spaceship

Ancent… Cecily Strong

Lieutenant Jericho… Chris Hemsworth

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of space ship]

Male voice: The year 3041. After a difficult journey across hyperspace, the crew of the S.S. Orion find their safety compromised by the actions of reckless captain.

[Cut to inside the space ship]

Ancent: Lieutenant Jericho, we have to do something about captain. She’s out of control.

Jericho: What is it Ancent, do you have problems taking orders from someone who isn’t a human?

Ancent: Of course not. I don’t care what species she is. But her decision to make that last hyperjump could have abruptly damaged the ship.

Jericho: She is in command and you need to accept that.

Sasheer: Captain Bulay’s on the bridge.

[Everyone turns to the door and salutes]

[The door opens. Captain is a chicken.]

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

[The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Yes, captain! Right away.

Ancent: Jericho, just promise to speak to her. She’s acting erratically.

Jericho: It’s not that simple.

[Cut to the chicken sitting on a captain chair.]

[Cut to everybody]

[The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, you heard her. Take us into the Zeta-quadrant.

Sasheer: That’s suicide. It’s full of Trulithian mines.

Jericho: Set the course.

Sasheer: Yes, lieutenant.

Kenan: That’s certain death.

Ancent: This madness has to stop. I’m turning us around.

[chicken noise]

[Cut to Ancent walks to the chicken]

No, this has nothing to do with you being a chicken and us being humans, okay? We have been a good crew to you.

[chicken noise]

I am very aware. The chickens have evolved into a higher intelligent species than humans. I am fine with that.

[chicken noise]

What did you call me?

Jericho: No, no. Take that back Emily. Take that back. For god’s sake, this isn’t like you.

[Ancent looks at Jericho in shock]

Ancent: Emily? Oh, I see. How long have you two?

Jericho: Two years. Ever since academy.

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: I knew he was dating that chicken. I just knew it.

[Cut to the chicken and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily. Look at me. Please, please, look at me. Just turn your head this way. That’s it, that’s it. I’ll give you a hand, look at me. Okay, don’t look at me. Just give me your hand. Okay, don’t worry. Listen, I remember the first time I saw you. You were sitting at the bar by yourself. eating pizza. And I said, “Dang, little thing like you couldn’t possibly finish off that pie by herself.” But eight hours later, you probed me wrong.

[chicken noise]

Ha-ha-ha. There’s that laugh I love. Come on! Come on! Hey, hey. Let’s tun this ship around.

[ship alarm goes off]

[Cut to everybody]

Sasheer: Captain, the chord’s over heated. Probability of melt down is 82%.

Kenan: We have to get to the escape pod.

Jericho: No, no. Wait, we’ll never it to the pods. They’re all the way over that way.

[chicken noise]

No, do not even say that. Don’t even suggest that.

[chicken noise]

Sasheer: She’s right. She’s the only one who can fix the chord.

Jericho: Why does it have to be her? I could do it.

Ancent: No, Jericho, you’re too big. You’ll never fit inside. Let her go. It’s the only chance we have.

[chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, okay. Emily, okay. [Cut to Jericho and the chicken] Com here. [chicken noise] I know, I know. Listen, once you enter the core, you’re gonna have 20 seconds to repair it and get the hell out of there. alright? You get out of there, alright? I love you.

[Jericho puts the chicken inside an oven.]

Ancent: Good luck in there.

[Cut to the chicken inside the over.]

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: It’s working. She’s doing it. She’s doing everything she’s supposed to do.

Sasheer: Course stabilized. We’re going to be okay.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily, you did it. Now get out of there.

Ancent: Jericho, she can’t. There’s no handle on the inside.

Jericho: Well, I’ll just open it.

Ancent: No! There’s too much radiation. She knew that going in. She sacrificed herself for us.

[The oven timer sound beeps]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: She’s done.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho. Jericho is very emotional.]

[Ancent opens the oven and takes out the roast on a plate.]

Jericho: Can I… Can I have a moment with her please?

Ancent: Of course. But, then we’re gonna eat her, okay? Because she smells so good. And she was such a bitch.

[Sasheer and Kenan walk in. They have napkins on their collars ready to eat.]

Kenan: Except at the very end of course, so noble. [Kenan pokes the roast with the fork] And cooked to perfection!

[cheers and applause]

Dolce & Gabbana

Brecky… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Don Juan… Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with Brecky in her set of the commercial]

[slow music playing]

Brecky: Marvelous.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Magnificance.

[Cut to Brecky]

Brecky: Ramjor.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Spectacu-lable.

[Cut to Brecky and Cecily]

Brecky and Cecily: The impossi-ves. [The subtitle reads Dolce&Gabbana] Dolki and Gababa.

Cecily: All this attractiveness of a debolutating fragrace.

Brecky: You’re gonna feel like a $7.

Brecky and Cecily: With Dolki and Gababa.

Brecky: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I am Brecky.

Cecily: And I’m supposed to be dead.

Brecky and Cecily: Shhh!

Brecky: And we’re not porn stars anymore. But that doesn’t mean we can’t smell a great deal when we snort it off of mirror.

[Don Juan comes in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: No, no, no. Please go.

Don Juan: Nope?

[Don Juan leaves]

Brecky: Other perfumes are just for breeze and fancy jars. Adios sea ghost!

Cecily: I rimmed a donkey.

Brecky: Dolki Gababa is like obsession by Kevin Klein. But you can drink it. And it’s perfect for occasions like, disappearance.

Cecily: Old person.

Brecky: Mistress at funeral.

Cecily: House warming porno.

Brecky: And, disease free for now.

Cecily: I’ll guarantee it, you’ll feel like you’re as wealthy as the salt in brown eye.

Brecky: You’ll think you’re one of the royals like Kate Middleton. Plus, it’s got– what’s that thing when you press it and it sprays out?

Cecily: Prostate.

Brecky: No. It holds all the liquid.

Cecily: Mouth.

Brecky: Bottle.

Cecily: Oh, right. Bottle.

[Don Juan comes in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: Not yet. Please go.

[Don Juan leaves]

With Dolki Gababa.

Cecily: One time, I got banged back in time. And a cave man banged me back to the future. I was like, “I guess I can save 15% more. Thanks, lizard.

Brecky: One time, I thought I banged Julius Caesar, but it was actually little Ceasars. Pizza, pizza!

Cecily: One time, I got banged to the kite on top of a building during lightning storm. I was like, “Hey, you’re not bumping them. Okay.”

[Don Juan passes by in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: Where did he go?

[Don Juan comes in]

Cecily: Come in.

Don Juan: Hey there. I’m Don Juan Dar Dark Hole. Now, I’m American but after my manhood was torn off in a recumbent bicycle, they had to replace it with wiener from a Spanish dude. But relax, he was already dead. Now, I speak English but my downstairs neighbor, he speaks ‘I-blow-a-espanol’. So get this, I can do bilingual pornos such as Spanklish, Penis Labyrinth, Pricky Christina Bone-Alone-A, and Y Tu Mama Y Tu Papa Y tu circus clown Amigo Tambien.

Cecily: Tell em’ about the price.

Brecky: Yes.

Don Juan: Oh, right, right. Yeah. So, trust me, having some none original parts down there, I know about the importance of hygiene. And that’s why I reach for [subtitle reads Dolce&Gabbana] Douche and Go-banana. It’s like a senate candle for your sweaty mandle. Or an oat eater for your special little Peter.

Cecily: No, no, no, no.

Brecky: Stop it.

Don Juan: So, grab some Douche and Go-bananas today. So, when your special someone asks, “Hey, what’s that smell?” you can tell them.

Brecky and Cecily: It’s something dying in me.

Brecky, Don Juan and Cecily: Dolki Gababa.

Chris Hemsworth Monologue

Chris Hemsworth

Liam Hemsworth

Luke Hemsworth

Callum Hemsworth… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Mum… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris.

[Chris walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chris: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is incredible. The last time I was on live TV was when I did Australia’s version of “Dancing With The Stars.” Yep, that’s true. Um, but most likely, tonight will be even more embarrassing than that. Probably my biggest role that I’ve been implying and you would know me from is Thor. [cheers and applause] I’ve played Thor in four different movies. Thor 1, Thor 2, The Avengers and Gone Girl.

Now, I’m not the only actor in my family. I have brothers. Two of them. Three of them, maybe. Four, I don’t know. But they’re actors as well. So, if it was okay, I thought I would bring them out and share this moment.

[Liam and Luke Hemsworth walk in]

[cheers and applause]

I’m sorry. Almost forgot. I have a brother, Callum.

[Callum walks in]

Callum: Alright. Good day.

[cheers and applause]

Chris: Look at this. It’s the four Hemsworth brothers.

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Yeah, lot of cake up here, ladies!

Liam: Yeah, Callum’s actually an actor as well.

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Yeah, that’s right. I do series of instructional videos. About dinner with snakes in the workplace.

Luke: Why don’t you tell them about your big catch phrase?

[Cut to Chris and Callum]

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Oh, yeah, yeah! It’s just one line where I go. “Kill it!”

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Well, here you have. You have Hemsworth boys. Anyone have any questions for us?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, I do. What’s it like to be called world’s sexiest man?

[Cut to the Hemsworth brothers]

Chris: Well–

Callum: [interrupting] Well, I’ll tell you this one here buddies. [speaking in fake Australian accent] It’s just a bit weird coz I just think of myself as a normal guy. But, um, then I see myself in a mirror and I can’t argue with it.

Chris: Yeah, I wanna say this. It doesn’t matter what you look like. What really matters is what’s in here. Muscles! [looking at the audience] Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: This is a question for Callum. I noticed your accent is slightly different from the other guys. Are you sure you’re from Australia?

[Cut to Chris and Callum]

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Me? Australia? [Callum starts mumbling stuffs]

Chris: Alright, you know what? Believe it or not, believe it or not, Callum, he’s actually adopted. He’s from a place in northern territory which is called Atlanta.

Callum: Yeah, it’s way out in the whoop-whoop.

Chris: Um-hmm. [looking at the audience] Next question.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Hi. You all seem so genuine. How do you stay so down to earth?

[Cut to the Hemsworth brothers]

Liam: It’s because of our mum.

Luke: She raised us really, really well.

Chris: She did, she did. We might bring her out actually. Come on our, mum.

Callum: There she is.

[Mum walks in clapping]

Mum: Alright, alright. There’s my boys. Some folks have one son. I have a leader.

Chris: Yeah! We just wanted to say thank you mum, for everything.

Mum: Well, you’ve always ruined my body, so it’s least you can do. Ha-ha.

Chris: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Zac Brown band is here.

[cheers and applause]

Stick around, and we’ll be right back.

Brother 2 Brother

Matty… Chris Hemsworth

Marky… Taran Killam

Mrs. Watkins… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Disney Channel video bumper]

Kid voice: You’re watching the Disney Channel. [Cut to the next show intro] Later, he’s only fifteen but he owns his own pizza place. It’s Cody Pepperoni. But first, it’s time for our brand new episode of “Brother 2 Brother.”

[Cut to Brother 2 Brother intro]

Intro song: It’s Brother 2 Brother
who are there for each other
in every possible way-ay-ay
through thick and through thin
are Calama twin
to help me get through the day-ay
Okay!

[Cut to Matty acting worried in a school hallway. Marky comes in. They’re both wearing same clothes.]

Marky: Matty, what’s wrong? You look down in the dumps. That’s not good.

Matty: Oh, I am Marky. I have a big calculus test today but I don’t know the first thing about math. I mean, what is a molecule anyway?

Marky: Matty, that’s science.

Matty and Marky: Oh, brothers!

Marky: I wish I could help you, but I have to meet Stacy in cafeteria in two minutes. And that’s only 120 seconds.

Matty: Wait a minute. That was math. You’re good at math.

Marky: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Matty: We switch places? You take my calculus test and I meet Stacy in cafeteria?

Marky: Yes, that is what I was thinking. It’s a plan.

Matty: A twin plan!

[Cut to a class]

Mrs. Watkins: Alright class, settle down. It’s time for the big calculus test. Now I hope you all studied.

[Marky walks in the class]

Marky: I know I did, Mrs. Watkins. Me, Matty. I’m ready to take the test and I know I’m gonna ace it. Me, Matty.

Mrs. Watkins: You’re not Matty, you’re Marky. Matty’s like, bigger and stronger. You know, with like, wider shoulders. You’re like smaller and and your skin isn’t as tan. Like, it’s paler. And like, you have that dark arm hair that kind of goes down to your hands. He doesn’t have that. His is like golder skin and also like golder hair.

[Marky is feeling insulted]

[Cut to Marky]

Marky: Ah! You caught me.

Mrs. Watkins: Yep, like his jaw [Cut to Marky and Mrs. Watkins] is just more defined. Like, your’s is softer. It’s just sort of slopes down to your neck. You know? He has these cheekbones. They’re just more sculpted. Like, your’s are puffier so you can’t see the structure of the face as much.

Marky: Well, ha-ha. Mrs. Watkins. You caught me.

Mrs. Watkins: And also, his chest goes out. Like it just takes up more room in the room. You know? And he has those– what are those called?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Triceps?

Mrs. Watkins: Yes! Triceps. Thank you. [Cut to Marky and Mrs. Watkins] They make his shirt tighter. Like, your’s is a little looser on the arms, you see? Where the sleeve ends?

Marky: Well, ha-ha. Sure do. Looks like I learned a good–

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And Matty’s butt is different.

[Cut to Marky and Mrs. Watkins]

Mrs. Watkins: Right, right! Yes! His butt, yes!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Coz, Matty’s is like, hard and round and like, up.

[Cut to Marky feeling insulted]

Marky: It is, but–

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah, and your’s is like, “Well, I got to the bathroom on this thing.” You know?

[Cut to Marky]

Marky: Boy do I know.

[Matty peeks from the door]

Matty: Hey, Marky, how is it going?

Marky: Um, bad.

Matty: Hey, don’t get too good grade, it will be suspicious.

Marky: Ya, we’re not there yet.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Plus, I feel like Matty’s nipples are smaller and harder. Is that a thing?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah! Because, you can always like, see them through his shirt.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Right! And we can’t see your’s. So, I feel like that means they’re puffier or wider or something?

[Cut to Marky looking insulted]

You know when like, a nipples puffy–

Marky: My dick’s bigger!

[Cut to Marky and Mrs. Watkins.]

Mrs. Watkins: What? How do you know that?

Marky: It’s not. [Marky starts crying]

[Cut to Brother 2 Brother outro]

Avengers News Report

Janet… Cecily Strong

Dani Powel… Bobby Moynihan

Thor… Chirs Hemsworth

Iron Man… Taran Killam

Dr. Bruce Banner… Pete Davidson

Nick Fury… Jay Pharoah

Captain America… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Action News seven intro]

Male voice: This is Action News seven Special Report.

[Cut to Janet in her news set]

Janet: Breaking news. This afternoon as Ultron and his evil army of robots have been defeated. And once again, mankind has the Avengers to thank. We go live to downtown Washington DC where our reporter Dani is on the scene.

[Cut to Dani in in the scene. Thor is taking selfies with the public.]

Dani: Hi Janet, I stand here where just moments ago, the Avengers claimed victory over Ultron’s forces. Joining me if I can get him over here is the mighty Thor. Hey Thor!

[Thor walks in]

Thor: Woohoo!

Dani: Can we talk to you for a second?

Thor: [singing] We are the champions my friend

What’s up?

Dani: Oh, wow. Thor, what a spectacular showing from the Avengers. How are you feeling?

Thor: Oh, man! I am on pure adrenaline right now. I’m at like an 11. I’m cranked up. Whooo!

[Thor kisses Dani on his cheek]

Dani: Oh, my goodness!

Thor: I’m sorry. I totally just kissed your head. That was weird.

Dani: That’s okay. Yo, there was a moment there where it looked like Ultron was definitely going to kill everyone.

Thor: Yeah. I gotta give it up to those robots. They fought hard. But luckily, I’m Thor!

[The public behind him cheer for him.]

Pi-pi-pi-pi. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now.

[Iron Man walks in]

Iron Man: Hey, um, don’t listen to a word this guy says.

Thor: Oh my god! This guy. Love this guy!

Dani: Mr. Stark. Is there anything you’d like to say?

Iron Man: Um, yeah. [Iron Man takes the mic] To the owner of a Blue Honda Accord, your lights are on. Oh, yeah, also there’s a building on it. Relax, that was a joke. Rim shot! Keep up people! Peace in the middle east. I’m going to Disney World.

Dani: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Iron Man passes the mic back to Dani and leaves]

Thor: That guy has a dry sense of humor.

Dani: Oh-oh! And here comes Dr. Bruce Banner, a.k.a., the hulk.

[Dr. Bruce Banner walks in]

Dr. Banner.

Thor: This guy!

Dr. Bruce Banner: What happened?

Thor: You crushed it, man!

Dr. Bruce Banner: I think I ate a guy.

Thor: Yeah, you did. You ate a bunch of guys. You’re nut.

Dr. Bruce Banner: I need to sit down.

Thor: Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Dani: Dr. Bruce Banner–

Thor: Ay-Ay- Where is everyone going after this? We’re going out?

[The public cheering for him]

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Dani, it seems like the Avengers are confident there will be no further attacks.

[Cut to Thor is dancing behind him.]

Dani: No, I don’t have official word, Janet. But I would say that sounds very accurate considering Thor is doing the running man. But wait, oh, here’s someone who can give us some answers. Avenger’s leader, Nick Fury.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Mr. Fury.

Nick Fury: What?

Dani: Does Ultron still pose a threat?

Nick Fury: No!

Dani: Great! You heard it here first.

[Thor and Iron Man walk in and pours a bucket of ice and water on Nick Fury]

Nick Fury: I’m freezing!

Thor: Stark’s idea! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Captin America walks in]

Captin America: Hey, may I address your viewers?

Dani: Of course. Janet, I am joined now by Captain America.

Captin America: Citizens, please be aware. The mayor’s order to remain in your home is still in effect. [Thor is mocking Captin America from behind] Many buildings are unstable and several fires are not yet contained. Thank you.

Dani: Thank you, sir.

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Dani, do you have any new information about the extent of the damage? And when those evacuated might be allowed to return to their home?

[Cut to Dani. Thor is dancing behind.]

Dani: No, but Thor just informed me that the victory party is at the Dave&Busters on 9th street. And there also might be some late night karaoke. Okay, hey Thor. Still going.

[Thor takes the mic from Dani]

Thor: Hey, can I do a shoutout?

Dani: Of course, yeah!

Thor: Shout out to my brother Loki. I mean, I know we had our differences in the past and he tried to take over the world, but I love you man! And um, my ex! My ex, Jane. How do you like me now? Boom! Ha-ha. What else? What else? Check out my podcast on Soundcloud. It’s sick. It’s sick. Oh, and I’m sorry, we just destroyed your city.I love my life. Whooo!

[public cheering for Thor]

[Dani gives his hand for a high-five. Thor gives Dani a high-five, it breaks Dani’s hand.]

Dani: [screaming] Oh, my god!

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Thank you, Dani. Our live coverage continues after this.

[Ends with Action News seven outro]

I Can’t

Cecily Strong

Dakota Johnson

Bobby Moynihan

Margo… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a three interns in an office]

Cecily: Oh, my god! I can’t wait until this internship is over.

Dakota: I know. I need it to be summer now. This has literally been the worst winter ever.

Cecily: Urgh! I can’t even.

Dakota: It’s literally not possible.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know. It was like 150 degrees everyday last summer. And now it’s like negative of thousand. I literally just can’t.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Don’t even.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: No, who can even? It’s literally impossible to can. I can’t

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know. It’s like, what the freak? I’m wearing 150 layers and I still can’t even.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You guys, I’m literally wearing like, six coats right now. And I’m trying to can and literally can’t.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my! Is that window open? Oh, my god! That window is literally wide open right now.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Okay, that is why it is freaking Antartica in here. Okay? Freaking Margo has her window completely open.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Margo! Can you please close that window?

[Cut to Margo. Her both arms are broken and plastered.]

Margo: I can’t.

[Cut to everybody]

Dakota: I am dying right now. Like, I’m literally gonna freeze to death if you don’t shut that window.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: You know that I literally cannot. Both of my arms are broken. You know this. It’s why you call me Broken Arms Margo and Stank Breath Margo with Two Broken Arms.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, my god! Margo! You broke both your arms for attention a hundred years ago. And it’s literally your excuse for everything now.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: It’s been six days. And I didn’t do it on purpose. I stage dived at karaoke and nobody caught me.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: God! She is so dramatic. I can’t even. I am not doing this with her today.

[Cut to Margo trying to drink juice off a straw but she can’t]

Margo: Look, I understand I’m not your favorite person, but could you just maybe nudge my lunch closer? I’ve been struggling to reach it for an hour.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: We are not walking a hundred miles over to your desk right now when you can’t even close the window that’s literally killing us.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, I mean really, Margo? Have you like, ever thought of anyone other than yourself?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Right? God!

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: There is no god. There can’t be.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I’m so hungry right now. I haven’t eaten like a month.

[Cut to Cecily, Dakota and Bobby]

Bobby: Uh! Don’t even!

Dakota: Margo, what is that in your shirt?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, what is that? Did you spill something?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Urgh! I hate it. It’s annoying. Just go like this, it’s driving me crazy. [brushing off his shoulder] Just go like ths.

[Cut to Margo. There’s a spider on her shoulder.]

Margo: Oh, my god! Kill it! Kill it mother-F-er!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Margo! It’s probably just snow from that open window.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Margo, just do this. [brushing off her shoulder]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Do this. [brushing off her dress] Do this.

[Cut to Margo]

Margo: You know that I can’t. It is impossible. My arm bones are shattered from pits to wrists. Please, kill it. Or kill me.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Really? Margo? Is it that serious? Fine, just leave it there. But can you please shut that window? I’m so freezing.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Oh, my hands are literally in my sleeves right now. It’s that cold.

[Cut to Margo trying to close the window]

Margo: Fine! You want the window closed. I’ll try it.

[Margo falls outside through the window.]

[Bang]

I’m alive? I’m alive and I feel everything. Dear world! What have I done to anger you!

[Cut to Cecily, Dakota and Bobby]

Dakota: You know, she’s literally never gonna shut up about this.

Cecily: She’s so dramatic.

Bobby: I cannot even!