Tag: episode 15

Family Dinner – Shrek

Scott… Beck Bennett

Claire… Melissa Villaseñor

Justin… Sterling K. Brown

Mrs. Reed… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a family having dinner at home with daughter’s boyfriend.]

Claire: [laughing] Dad.

Scott: Anyway. Moral of the story, don’t have a fender bender with the NBA’s Penny Hardaway.

Justin: Oh, wow. I can’t believe that happened, Mr. Anderson.

Scott: Call me Scott.

Mrs. Reed: You know, Claire’s told us so much about you, Justin. I think she likes you.

Claire: Okay, mom. That’s enough.

Justin: Oh, gosh. Well, I like that pot roast, Mrs. Reed. And I’ll tell you what. I feel like home with you guys already. You’re so much fun.

Claire: Aw, Justin.

Mrs. Reed: Well, we are– you are just welcome to stay as long as you want. Although, I will say we conk out at about nine. And occasionally when we get really wild, we watch a movie.

Scott: Yeah. We just rented Coco Pixar film. Just won the Oscar. Phenomenal.

Mrs. Reed: Yeah. Best animated movie I’ve ever seen. Hands down. Oh, and as per tomorrow we can just–

[Justin is laughing]

Justin: That’s a good one. Oh!

Mrs. Reed: Sorry, what?

Scott: What is Justing?

Justin: Oh, your wife’s jokes. She just said that Coco is the best animated film she’s ever seen. It made me laugh. That’s all.

Mrs. Reed: Oh! I wasn’t joking exactly.

Justin: Oh, com on. No. It’s Shrek. You haven’t ever heard of it? I’m serious, Shrek.

Mrs. Reed: Oh, um, yes. You know, I believe that we saw that one, right honey?

Scott: Um, maybe on a plane. Yeah. Pretty good. Is that your favorite, Justin?

Justin: No, Scott, I’m a liar. Yes, it is my favorite. it’s also the best. That’s just the fact.

Claire: It’s okay, Justin.

Justin: It’s not okay. It’s annoying.

Scott: We just like the Pixars. That’s all. Now, who would like some cran apple pie?

Claire: Ooh, I would. My dad makes the most amazing cran apple pie.

Justin: Sure. Whatever. I’m sorry, you have seen Shrek. Right?

Scott: No. We’ve seen it.

Claire: Justin, drop it.

Justin: This is hilarious to me. Myers, Murphy, Diaz, Lithgow, a murderous role of voice talent. Can you say the same for Coco? I doubt it.

Mrs. Reed: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess I just always found the whole Ogre thing a little off putting.

Justin: [yelling] No!

Claire: Justin!

Justin: You’re wrong. You’re wrong and you’re stupid person.

Scott: Easy, fella.

Mrs. Reed: My goodness.

Justin: Whatever. Screw it. What’s that dumb ass pie you were talking about?

Mrs. Reed: Okay, what in the world is this about?

Justin: I just doing like being bullied. That’s all.

Scott: Alright. Okay. I don’t think anyone was bullying you exactly.

Justin: Ha-ha-ha. Everybody laugh at the guy whose favorite movie is Shrek. He must be an idiot.

Mrs. Reed: Okay. Well, I do not think you’re an idiot at all. And I apologize if it came off that way.

Justin: Apology rejected.

Claire: Maybe we should just go.

Justin: Why? I’m having a great time. Are you not having a great time, Scott?

Scott: Oh, I’m not. And that’s about your tone, fella.

Justin: I can’t believe I have to defend a movie with three hit sequels and 4D Universal Studio drive. But let’s all bend over backwards for Coco, right Scott?

Scott: Easy, donkey! Oh. I’m kidding, Justin. Just trying to lighten the mood here. Do a little Shrek for ya.

Justin: Keep his name out of your mouth you dumb son of a bitch.

[Justin throws water from his glass on Scott’s face]

Scott: Okay. [bangs the table] That’s it.

Justin: What? Fight me, bully. Come on.

Mrs. Reed: Okay. Let’s all just calm down.

Claire: Justin, what the hell? You’re ruining the big surprise.

Mrs. Reed: What surprise?

Claire: We’re engaged.

Scott: [yelling] What?

Justin: Yeah. We’re getting married. So you both can eat my butt.

Claire: Oh!

Justin: And guess who’s officiating?

Scott: Who? Shrek?

Justin: No, you dumb ass. Shrek is CGI. What? It’s Puss in Boots himself, Antonio Banderas. Ever heard of him?

Mrs. Reed: I’m upset. I’m very upset now. And I’d like for you to leave.

Scott: [yelling] How the hell did you swing Antonio Banderas?

Justin: It’s called money. Everyone has a price. Even Antonio Banderas. What’s your’s? 30 bucks? You cheap ass!

[Justin throws water from his glass on Scott’s face again.]

Scott: That’s it. I’m calling the police.

Justin: Oopdie-doo, Claire. Let’s leave.

Claire: Um, I’m gonna stay. You can go, Justin.

Justin: Wait, what? Baby, what did I do?

[The End]

Dying Mrs. Gomez

Pete Davidson

Michael… Sterling K. Brown

Cecily Strong

Mrs. Gomez… Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Luke Null

[Starts with Mrs. Gomez lying on the bed sick. Her children are there to take care of her.]

Pete: Mom, we’re right here.

[door knocking]

[Pete opens the door. Michael walks in.]

Cecily: Oh, Michael. So good to see you.

Michael: How is she doing?

Cecily: Not good. But she’ll be happy to see you. It’s been too long.

Michael: I came as soon as I heard. I’m glad I’m not too late.

Pete: Yeah. We don’t know how long she has left. It’s been a long day.

Cecily: Hey, mom. Michael’s here. Paramedics just left. Oh, she wants to say something to you.

Mrs. Gomez: Michael. Come here, Michae.

Michael: Hi, Mrs. Gomez. What is it?

Mrs. Gomez: There is something that I need to tell you.

Michael: Yes, ma’am. Anything. What is it? You can tell me.

Mrs. Gomez: I- I never made it.

Michael: Never made it? What do you mean never made it?

Mrs. Gomez: [hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing.

Michael: Um, what was that, Mrs. Gomez. Was that a Nickleback song? Mrs. Gomez, why are you telling me this?

Cecily: Michael. I think she needs to rest.

Michael: Can you just wait? I need to hear what she’s saying. Mrs. Gomez. What did you say?

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Cecily: I can’t stand seeing her in pain.

Pete: No. It will be okay. It will be okay.

Michael: Mrs. Gomez. Please.

Mrs. Gomez: I… I…

[music playing]

[hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing
tired of living like a blind man
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me

[Michael is rocking his body to the music]

This is how you remind me of what I really am

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Michael: No. No, no, no, no. Mrs. Gomez.

Cecily: Oh, my god. Jonathan, get the paramedics. Quick. [Pete walks out] Michael, what did she say?

Michael: I don’t know. But it rocked. Come on, Mrs. Gomez. Wake up.

[Pete walks in with Alex and Luke. They’re both wearing their uniforms.]]

Alex: We got a situation here. Is this the woman who fell into the moshpit at the Nickelback concert?

Luke: Yes, it is. Everybody, clear the area.

Pete: What did my mom say?

Michael: It’s personal. Just back off.

Cecily: You can tell us. We’re her kids.

Alex: Give me the defibrillators.

Luke: Copy.

[Alex and Luke are getting the defibrillators ready.

Michael: I’m not sure you’ll be able to hear this but your mom said something really cool.

Cecily: Come on, Mike. Those might be my mother’s last words. You’re not gonna tell us?

Michael: Okay, fine. She said– Man, this is heavy. She said…

[music playing]

[singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing

Alex: Clear!

[Alex and Luke give her the defibrillator shock]

Michael: Tired of living like a blind man

[Cecily is rocking her body to the music]
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

Luke: I’ve heard a lot of last words, but your mom kicked the most ass. Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock]

Michael: [singing] This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am

Luke: Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock. She wakes up and starts singing.]

Mrs. Gomez: It’s not like you to say sorry

[Everybody in the room are rocking their bodies.]
I was waiting on a different story
This time I’m mistaken

Michael and Mrs. Gomez: For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I’ve been wrong
I’ve been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream
Are we having fun yet

All: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Mrs. Gomez: Oh, no!

[Mrs. Gomez finally dies. But people in the room are clapping for her.]

Michael: That’s Nickelback!

Alex: I don’t know why you guys are clapping. This woman is dead.

Doctor Love

Dr. Hodges… Sterling K. Brown

Shawn Wilkins… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a patient visiting the doctor. The Shawn is sitting on the patient’s seat.]

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Shawn Wilkins. I’m Dr. Hodges. Before we get to our exam, we have a few new questions to answer that weren’t on file.

Shawn: Sounds good to me.

Doctor: Alright. Fantastic. Do you smoke?

Shawn: Umm, no.

Doctor: I don’t like the sound of that “Umm.” Are you sure?

Shawn: Okay. I do smoke. But not that much.

Doctor: Alright. Any drinking?

Shawn: Uh, twice a week.

Doctor: Um-hmm.

Shawn: Alright. Alright. Like, four times a week.

Doctor: There we go. Are you sexually active?

Shawn: Yes. Like, seven, eight times a week.

Doctor: For real?

Shawn: Yeah. If I think about it, eight times.

[Doctor runs and closes the door.]

Doctor: Bro, are you serious? Swear to god?

Shawn: Um, yeah.

Doctor: Oh, damn. So, you up in it, huh?

Shawn: Um, yeah, man.

Doctor: That’s dope. Dope. Yeah. Alright. How many partners?

Shawn: Just the one.

Doctor: [loud voice] One partner? Eight times a week? Whoa! Do you love her?

Shawn: What?

Doctor: The girl, man. Your girl. Do you love her?

Shawn: Phrr. No. No. No.

Doctor: Wait. You don’t love her?

Shawn: Is this a medical question?

Doctor: You know what? Just never mind. Protected or unprotected?

Shawn: Unprotected.

Doctor: [squeaky voice] Oh, what? [smiling]

Shawn: Hey! Look! Can we just talk about why it burns when I pee

Doctor: Because pee is hot. Duh!

[phone ringing]

[talking on the phone] Hello. This is he. Who? Oh, the cancer lady. Yeah. You still got it. I gotta call you back. I’m in the middle of something.

[Doctor hangs up the phone]

So, okay. I’m confused Mr. Wilkins. You have unprotected sex with one woman and you don’t think anything is there?

Shawn: There isn’t. I already told you.

Doctor: Alright. Sure. I’ll lay off. I knew syphilis rotted the mind. I didn’t know it rotted the soul.

Shawn: I have syphilis?

Doctor: I don’t know, man.

Shawn: Doc, look, just let it rest. We keeping it casual. When we started hooking up we both said we weren’t looking for anything. It’s not that deep.

Doctor: You know what, man? You should get out of my office coz I don’t treat fools.

Shawn: [yelling] Hey, I’m no fool, alright? She’s married to her job and I’m focused on my tech decks right now. It would never work out.

Doctor: Not talking like that, it won’t. But I think the young man who came in here earlier, the confident young man who bangs it down raw dog, it could work out for him. For what do I know? I’m just some Harvard doctor.

Shawn: Look, doc. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you but would we just move on with the exam?

Doctor: Yeah. Yeah. Let me listen to your heart. [Doctor puts on his stethoscope] Oh. Oh, well.

Shawn: What is it?

Doctor: You’ve been hurt before.

Shawn: Yeah. Real bad.

Doctor: Mr. Wilkins, your heart seems to be saying, “Go to her. Don’t you see? This is meant to be. Stop standing in your own way.”

Shawn: I don’t know. I don’t know. What if she says no?

Doctor: What if she says yes?

Shawn: You’re right. [looks at his watch] Oh, man. I have to go now. She’s out her way to the airport. She’s moving to London for life.

[Shawn turns to the door to leave. Doctor stops him.]

Doctor: Not so fast. I can’t let you go, not dressed like that.

[Doctor pulls out a suit and a flower bouquet from his office’s corner.]

Shawn: You know. It’s true what they say about doctors. They do save lives.

Doctor: [looking at his stethoscope] I wonder how this thing actually works.

Black Panther New Scene

T’kana… Sterling K. Brown

T’Challa… Chris Brown

Oni… Leslie Jones

M’Butu… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with different comic clips of Black Panther]

Male voice: Black Panther. Now, Marvel Digital unleashes several deleted scenes. Our first find T’Challa on a spiritual journey to D’Jalia, the mystical realm of the ancestors. There he asks for wisdom to guide him in the impending war.

[Cut to T’Challa in D’Jalia. He is looking at the tree. T’kana walks in.]

T’kana: Welcome my son.

T’Challa: Who are you?

T’kana: Do you not know? I am T’kana, your great, great grandfather.

T’Challa: But you’ve been dead for decades.

T’kana: Ha-ha-ha. Only my body has gone. My spirit lives here as do all the ancestors.

[Oni walks in]

Oni: As will your’s someday.

T’Challa: Great aunt Oni?

Oni: Yes, nephew. We are all here. Every relative you have ever known. The royal bloodline stretching through all of time. Even those who married into it.

[There are other relatives who are in line. Then there’s M’Butu who is making barbecue.]

M’Butu: Alright, who wants some burger? Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, they’r gonna be ready in about two to three minutes now.

T’Challa: Uncle M’Butu.

M’Butu: T’Challa? Boy, I’ve seen you in a long time. What’s happening? Ay! Ay! Ay! Junior, you gotta take their plate at your lip if you gonna go swimming. That’s how you get the swamp mouth.

T’Challa: But I thought you were alive.

M’Butu: Oh, well, yeah, I was up until about two, three days ago, man. You now how my old lady’s one of them bald warrior women who guard the king?

T’Challa: Yes.

M’Butu: You know, the Dora Milage. Yeah, well, the other night I simply suggested maybe she wear a wig. You know? Just to be playful. I said, “Damn, woman. I’m tired of making love to Michael Jordan.” That’s the last thing I remember. Ha-ha. And now I’m here in what I guess is heaven. But I got one question for y’all. Where’s the weed at?

Oni: I told you, there is no weed.

M’Butu: Oh, you hiding it, huh? Um-umm.

T’kana: Uncle M’Butu is still adjusting. You can’t pick your family.

M’Butu: Yeah. T’Challa, look here. My bank account is running a little low right now. Can you spot me a little vibranium? Come on, man. I need a new ride. Everybody here is riding a war rhino. You know what I got? An ostrich.

T’Challa: I have no possession on this spiritual plain.

M’Butu: Oh. That’s right. I forgot about that. Man, what time of day is it? Man, I can’t tell. Everything is purple. Ha-ha.

T’Challa: [to T’kana] All of you live here in harmony together?

Oni: We do our best.

T’Challa: Often, we take the form of a spirit animal. I am a panther.

Oni: And I am a panther.

M’Butu: Yeah. For some reason, I’m a warthog. Probably coz I’m round and I’m friendly. And every now and then I eat a little trash. [M’Butu is holding a burger] Somebody have one of these burgers, man. T’kana, come on.

T’kana: No, thank you.

M’Butu: Come on, man. You don’t never eat my cooking. This here is lion’s meat. The goo stuff. Check this here out. [M’Butu hold the burger like the monkey holds Simba in Lion King.] [singing Lion King song.]

[After a moment, M’Butu takes a bite.]

Yeah, that’s still frozen. Um-hmm.

Oni: Uncle M’Butu! Please, T’Challa. What is your concern?

T’Challa: I am much troubled. Wakanda is in the verge of civil war. The Jubari are preparing to attack from the mountains. I am considering my first strike.

T’kana: My son, the Jubari are proud people. If you approach them with respect, they will return it.

M’Butu: Shh! Not likely! Ha-ha. Let me tell you something about the mountain folks, man. They are sneaky. And they all smell like goat milk.

T’kana: Um, M’Butu, thank you. I’m so glad I get to spend eternity with you together. Um, T’Challa, know this, for all of history there has been war. But only once in a while in a generation are there men who will come together– [M’Butu puts the burger in T’kana’s mouth] No! No, thank you.

M’Butu: You wanna taste it?

T’kana: No, thank you. Once in a generation, there are men who are committed–

M’Butu: [putting burger in T’kana’s mouth again] This is baby lion.

T’kana: I said no. No. Committed to peace.

M’Butu: Come on. Try a little bit. [M’Butu rubs the burger all over T’kana’s mouth.]

T’kana: I don’t want it!

M’Butu: I’m sorry, man. I’ll back off. But hey, T’Challa, stick around, man. You know what happens when you go away. We just sit here. Yeah. They all turn into panthers. I turn into a warthog again. And then they all start hunting me, man, because all they see is bacon. It’s hard. Help me out. Just for the weekend.

T’Challa: Oh! Here, have a komoyo bead.

M’Butu: Oh! That’s nice. Yeah. That’s real nice. You know, two would be nicer.

T’Challa: No

M’Butu: Alright. Well, you alright with me, T’Challa. Come on, y’all, let’s party, man! Somebody play my music.

[music playing. The other relatives come close to the barbecue and start dancing with M’Butu.]

T’Challa: [to T’kana] Perhaps, I should return to seek guidance for my people.

T’kana: No. Stay. He’s worse when he’s a warthog.

M’Butu: Man, for real. What time of day is it? I don’t know.

 

Bachelor Finale Cold Open

Alex Moffat

Becca K. … Cecily Strong

Robert Mueller… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with The Bachelor Live intro]

[Cut to The Bachelor stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Alex: Welcome back to the shocking live finale of Bachelor. We’ve all been on this journey together. Watching the drama unfold, what you’re about to see is completely unedited. Becca has no idea what’s coming. And fair warning, it’s hard to watch.

[Cut to Becca]

Becca: So, today I’m very excited. The past few months have been such a whirlwind. But I finally feel like I’m in a place where I can see the future so clearly. I just want to get to the point where this is all over and life feels back to normal. I’m excited to see him.

[Cut to Becca waiting for the someone.]

[door knocking]

[Robert Mueller walks in]

Robert Mueller: Hey!

Becca: Bob!

Robert Mueller: How are you?

Becca: You look good.

Robert Mueller: It’s okay.

Becca: What’s going on? How are you doing?

Robert Mueller: Can I talk to you a little bit? Here sit. [Becca and Robert Mueller sit down] Um, oh my gosh. What’s that? [pointing at Becca’s hand]

Becca: Oh, I know. My tattoo.

Robert Mueller: No, no. I like it.

Becca: I can be so nervous.

Robert Mueller: I know.

Becca: What’s up?

Robert Mueller: Okay. Where do I start this conversation? Um, so, you know that I’ve been struggling a little bit over the last few months. Just like, trying to figure this whole thing out and like, grasp and everything. And the reality is that I don’t think that I can give you everything that you want right now. You know? And I think you’ve sensed that.

Becca: So, what? You don’t have Trump on collusion?

Robert Mueller: Well, I just– Um, I think I need to explore the possibility that I might have a stronger case with some other stuff.

Becca: I can’t [beep] believe this.

Robert Mueller: I know. Well, I’m just– I’m trying to be honest with you and tell you I can’t commit to collusion right now.

Becca: But you indicted 13 Russians and like, everything that happened in Seychelles, that means nothing?

Robert Mueller: No. No. I mean, the Seychelles were amazing and like, it’s definitely something. It’s just like the more time that goes by, the more that I keep thinking about obstruction.

Becca: This is so [bleep] embarrassing. Collusion is literally the only thing I’ve been looking forward to for the past year.

Robert Mueller: I know. But just at this point, I honestly feel like I’m only half in with collusion.

Becca: So what? You’re gonna be half in with obstruction?

Robert Mueller: No.

Becca: Oh, my [bleep] . Okay, I’m done.

[Becca stands and leaves. Robert Mueller follows her. Becca starts packing.]

No! I don’t–

Robert Mueller: No, no. Um, you can stay. I’m gonna go. So…

Becca: I’m not gonna give you a hug goodbye.

Robert Mueller: I know.

Becca: I was ready, Bob. I was ready to do the damn thing.

Robert Mueller: I know. Do you want a few minutes to yourself? Or do you just want me to go?

Becca: I want you to go.

Robert Mueller: Okay.

[Robert Mueller walks out. Becca gets in the bathroom. She is crying. Robert Mueller walks in agin. He knocks the bathroom door.]

Hey, are you okay?

Becca: Just leave. What are you still doing here? Just go.

[Robert Mueller walks out of the room and sits on the sofa. Becca walks out of the room to talk to Robert Mueller.]

So that’s it? He just gonna be president?

Robert Mueller: I honest– I don’t know how to answer that.

Becca: [bleep]

Robert Mueller: Can you just like– Can you just come talk to me for like, two minutes please?

[Becca sits on the sofa too.]

Becca: I let my walls down for you.

Robert Mueller: I know. And I love that.

Becca: Oh my god. So I have to wait two more years for him to be out of office?

Robert Mueller: Honestly, probably six.

Becca: [bleep] Well, at least you finally got to see me cry.

Robert Mueller: I’m so sorry.

Becca: So, Stormy Daniels. That’s nothing?

Robert Mueller: No, I mean that’s definitely fun. It’s just not what I’m doing.

Becca: Do you have any good news for me?

Robert Mueller: Do you own American Steel? [Becca shakes her head no] Then no. I don’t–

Becca: Just leave.

Robert Mueller: Okay. I’m gonna go. I feel like we just need to come together as a country right now. Like, stop hoping for things that might not happen.

Becca: Honestly, you have to get out.

Robert Mueller: Okay. I’m gonna go. [hesitating to leave] I mean, it would be Pence. Do you want Pence?

Becca: Get out!

Robert Mueller: Okay. [Robert Mueller walks away. Becca is sobbing. But after few seconds, Robert Mueller walks to Becca again.] Look, if it makes you feel any better, the Kush is cooked and also you’re the next Bachelorette.

Becca: Oh! Oh, that’s great. Well, I’m fine.

Becca and Robert Mueller: And live from New York it’s Saturday night.

Zoo-opolis Voice Actors

Kenan Thompson

Octavia Spencer

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Cleaner… Beck Bennett

[starts with Kenan briefing the voice actors about the project

Kenan: Alright, as you know we just completed the initial story board for TV movie Zoo-Opolis. It’s an animated film about a city that’ s full of animals.

Octavia: Is that like, Zootopia?

Kenan: Is that like, Zootopia? Who are you? My lawyer? Now, we need a scratch track for placeholders for all the voices so the animators have something to work with. Alright, first up, we’ve got the opening line of the film from Honey Bunny, voiced by Jennifer Lopez.

Melissa: I could try J-Lo’s lines.

Kenan: Okay, great. You can just read from the prompter. Whenever you’re ready.

[Melissa walks to the mic]

Melissa: [Speaking like Jennifer Lopez] You know, everyone says a rabbit can never be a lawyer, but they’re forgetting about Hopeas Corups, because I put the butt in rab-but, Zoo-Opolis. Yeah.

Kenan: Okay. Next up, we’ve got Bartleby. He’s a bumblebee voiced by Hugh Grant.

Alex: Um, I could take a crack of that.

Kenan: Alright, go for it.

[Alex walks to the mic]

Alex: [speaking like Hugh Grant] I um.. I would have brought flowers but um, you see, I’m too small. I’m terribly sorry. I must admit I’m a little buzzed. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Not bad. Alright. Well, we also have F’Heather the pigeon, voiced by Oprah Winfrey.

Octavia: Oh, I got this one. [Octavia walks to the mic] [talking like Oprah Winfrey] I love bread crumbs. I love bread crumbs and that’s a joy of wing-watchers. I still eat bread crumbs every day, and I have lost over two ounces. I love bread crumbs. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Perfect. That was perfect. Thank you very much. Alright, next up, we have Dane Daniel. And that’s a great dane voiced by Tracy Morgan. I can probably just throw that down real quick myself. [holds a mic] [clears his throat] [speaking like Tracy Morgan] I’ma put my peepee in a chihuahua and make it explode. Yeah, I think we got that. We got that pretty good. Um, we also have Sqwecily the squirrel voiced by Kristen Wiif.

Melissa: I can try that. [speaking like Kristen Wiig] I just got kicked out of my tree. Ha-ha. They told me I had to leave. I’m staying with my best friend, he is an acorn. Ha-ha. Sorry, I know I seem a little nuts right now, I just opened a can of nuts and a snake jumped out. Ha-ha. Then I looked at the lael and it said, ‘Can of snakes.’ Ha-ha. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Thank you. We also have a kangaroo voiced by Viola Davis whose name is Viola G’Day-Vis.

Octavia: I got this one. [speaking like Viola Davis] I am not just a kangaroo. I am Viola Davis as a kangaroo. And I will exhume the body from my pouch, Denzel.

Kenan: Such a powerful speech. Thank you. Alright, we just have a few quick lines left. Who ever wants to just jump in and go for it. Kathy Griffin as penguin.

Melissa: [speaking like Kathy Griffin] Okay, here is the deal. I just hang out of my igloo. I invited few polar bears over. Yes, they’re gay.

Kenan: Alright. An old beaver named Dame Judi Dentures.

Octavia: Sixty years of acting and this is the first time I’m showing my Beaver.

Kenan: Oh, boy! Next, NBA commentator Bill Walton as moose

Alex: [speaking like Bill Walton] Oh my god!  I love the bulls and I love the bucks. Gosh, they have a promising future. Slam dunk. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Right. Um, Jodie Foster as a hummingbird.

Octavia: [speaking like Jodie Foster] We meet again, doctor nectar. I’m agent starling like the bird.

Kenan: And then we have Julia Louis Dreyfus as a bat.

Melissa: [speaking like Julia Louis Dreyfus] You know, I’m a bat. So, yeah.

Kenan: No, I”m sorry I misread that. The bat is actually Owen Wilson.

Melissa: [speaking like Owen Wilson] Oh, well, well, yeah. I’m a bat, yeah.

Kenan: No, no. Sorry, I really misread it. The bat is Kate McKinnon.

Melissa: [speaking like Kate McKinnon] Hey, hey, I”m a bat. Okay? Yeah.

Kenan: Okay. And, finally, the last line of the movie is Javier Bardem as wise old owl. [voice actors are looking at each other] Nobody? Nobody has a Javier Bardem?

[Cleaner walks in]

Cleaner: Hey, um, I can give it a try. Alright, here we go. [speaking like Javier Bardem] Every animal must have sex, hmm? Money has sex wit ha turtle. You know? A gopher has sex with a parrot. And the best part is that they never have to wear a condom. Alright!

Kenan: Alright, well, that was extremely off script. Do you even work here?

Cleaner: Um, no.

Youngblood

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Cyrus… Kenan Thompson

Janice… Octavia Spencer

[Starts with Pete telling his story to his friends]

Pete: So then, I roll up on this clown and punch down. Lights out, son! Ha-ha.

Sasheer: Ha-ha. That’s cold, bro.

Pete: Yeah, 119 is my block. That’s just how it is. Whoa!

[Cyrus is an old man sitting on a bench with a chessboard on the table]

Cyrus: Hey! Let’s go sit down over here, young blood.

[Pete walks to Cyrus and sits across the table]

You know anything about this game?

Pete: Yeah. I played a couple of times.

Cyrus: Ah! So you don’t play chess, young blood. Coz, chess ain’t no game. It’s a road map to navigating these streets.

Pete: What you talking about, old man?

Cyrus: What I mean young blood, is you out here acting like a pawn, you see? You’re running your mouth, you’re swinging your fists. Pawns is all about that battle. But you want to be the king, you got to be thinking about the war, you feel me?

Pete: Yeah. But a pawn could do some damage. [Pete starts playing chess with Cyrus]

Cyrus: Sure. Yeah. And you know, every king is going to lose a few pawns when you’re trying to win that war, right? [moving his piece] But it ain’t about what you lose, young blood. It’s actually–

Pete: [Pete uses his piece] Check mate.

Cyrus: No!

[Janice is an old lady sitting on a bench far from Cyrus.]

Janice: [laughing] He whooped your ass, didn’t he?

Cyrus: No. He didn’t, Janice. Thank you very much. You see, the thing about the king, young blood, is he’s a hard brother to kill. Look, he’s back in the game.

Sasheer: Yo! I don’t think those are the rules of the game, man!

Cyrus: They the rules of the streets! Now, the king sometimes goes on the attack, right? [moving his piece] But then sometimes–

Pete: [moving his piece] Check mate.

Cyrus: Sometimes there are two kings.

Pete: Come on, man. That’s a troll.

Cyrus: And then you know every king needs himself a castle.

[Janice walks near Cyrus]

Janice: Damn, Cyrus! That’s a bishop, fool!

Cyrus: I know that.

Janice: Oh, you do, huh? Okay, what’s this one called?

Cyrus: That’s Horse-face.

Pete: You mean the knight?

Cyrus: The knight. [to Janice] Now, go and sit your ass down somewhere, Janice.

Janice: Alright. Don’t know what you’re doing, anyway!

Cyrus: Anyway! Now, this is the castle. Now you see, your castle is your hitter, right? And if this castle sees some of them pawns coming at you. [moving his piece] He’s going to do– On, no, why did I do that?

Pete: You want a do-over on that move?

Cyrus: Hah! You just feel for that oldest trick in the book, young blood.

Janice: No, he didn’t.

Cyrus: Shut up! [to Pete] See, I got you thinking that I made a mistake. But what I’m really doing is–

Pete: [moving his piece] Check mate.

Cyrus: Yeah, yeah, but kings can jump.

Pete: What? Yo, I’m having trouble following what’s going on here.

Janice: That’s coz he’s talking a load of shit.

Cyrus: Look here, young blood, you should really learn the lessons of this exciting new game.

Sasheer: New game?

Cyrus: Because if now, man you gonna get played. [moving his piece over every pieces of Pete] Look at that. I just– I won everything. I just won everything.

Pete: Alright, old man. I guess I’ll keep that in mind.

Cyrus: Cool. $20?

Pete: Excuse me, what?

Cyrus: $20 for my time?

[Pete gives Cyrus some money]

Thank you, young blood. Thank you.

Pete: Man, let’s get out of here, guys.

[Pete and his friends walk away]

[Cyrus stands and gives the money to Janice]

Cyrus: Alright, now I finally got $hundred. Can you please teach me how to play this game?

Janice: Alright, first rule is, can’t nobody jump in this game.

Cyrus: You did say that. You did say that.

Janice: I did.

Weekend Update- Laura Parsons on the 2017 Oscars & Trans Rights

Michael Che

Laura parsons… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our newscasters of Tomorrow segment, where a kid joins us to give the news from their perspective. So, please welcome kid actress, Laura Parsons.

[Laura Parsons slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Laura Parsons: Hello, Michael. What a thrill it is to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
they say that it’s fake but that’s just happened
anything on news

Michael Che: That was adorable. Laura, you’re an actress, did you watch the Oscars?

Laura Parsons: Of course, I did. It was so exciting. [Cut to Laura Parsons]

[singing] City of stars
are you shining just for me?

That’s how people sing in Hollywood.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Yeah, very good. Did you see any of the winning movies?

Laura Parsons: Well, I didn’t see ‘Moonling’. My mother says it’s too grown up for me. But I know it featured brilliant performances, amazing cinematography [in loud voice] and a sea side handjob!

Michael Che: Wait! Hey, I don’t know if you should be saying that. And where did you even hear that term? Where did you learn that?

Laura Parsons: Well, someone wrote in on the wall of our school bathroom. And speaking of school bathrooms, Trump just rolled back rights of transgender students to use a bathroom of their choice. Isn’t that terrible?

Michael Che: Yes, that’s right. But do you know exactly what that issue is about?

Laura Parsons: I think so. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Some people think you should choose which bathroom you use based on your gender identity. But the government [in loud voice] wants to lift up your skirt and judge your ding-dongs!

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Laura! Do you even know what transgender means?

Laura Parsons: I think so.  [Cut to Laura Parsons] It’s when you look down at your privates and say “Why I ought to.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: No. No. Let’s talk about something that’s not even in the news. Have you seen any good TV shows lately?

Laura Parsons: I sure have. Do you like prank shows, Michael?

Michael Che: Not really.

Laura Parsons: Well, I do. I love all kinds of pranks. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Except last week when a woman was tricked into spraying Kim Jong-Un’s half-brother [in loud voice] with nerve toxin.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: How do you know–

Laura Parsons: [in loud voice] The prank was murder!

Michael Che: Laura, I feel like I say this a lot. But let’s talk about something way lighter. What about something from your life?

Laura Parsons: Well, I’m going to visit my grandparents soon.

Michael Che: That’s very nice.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Luckily, they live in a beautiful condo and not one of the thousands of nursing homes that’s been cited for elder abuse and [in loud voice] sexual assault.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura Parsons: You might wanna google it [in loud voice] before nana gets raped!

Michael Che: Alright! That’s enough. Thank you for being here, Laura, you– you did great. Thank you so much.

Laura Parsons: I did? [singing] Pa-pa-pa pa-di-pa-pa
And that’s in the news

Michael Che: Laura Parsons, everybody. Very good. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffatt

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Despite claiming no direct involvement, there are still ethics concerns around president Trump’s ties to his business, here to comment are the co-CEO’s of Trump Organization, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to have you, yeah. Now, many people, myself included, have some serious concerns that your father could use his position to help his former business.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, I know. You mentioned that on the golf course last weekend. I was beating you by nine strokes. You gotta work on your short game, pal.

Colin Jost: I know.

Donald Trump Jr.: But Eric and I did have a blast.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Eric: I drove the golf car!

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did, Eric. Remember, I told you this, pal, man. Remember, it’s golf cart. Golf cart. Not car. Cart, with a T.

Eric: Ta.

Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. Colin, the Trump Organization is entire in our hands. In fact, Eric and I recently celebrated the grand opening of a new Trump Golf Course in Dubai, which Colin, was a smash success.

Eric: I got a sunburn.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. That’s because you didn’t want to wear your hat, bud.

Eric: It doesn’t fit.

Donald Trump Jr.: I told you, bud, you can chance the size with the little snaps on the back. that’s why they have those. We also cut the ribbon, the beautiful new Trump Luxury Hotel in Vancouver, Canada. [Cut to Eric, Donald Trump Jr. and Colin Jost] And Colin, the chef we got in Vancouver is absolutely amazing. He crushed the menu. The food is next level.

Eric: I had a funny face pancake. He had whip creams hair.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And you ate the whole thing.

Eric: I’m hungry.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright. I got some cheerios for you, buddy.

[Donald Trump Jr. pulls out a packet of cheerios and gives it to Eric]

Eric: Alright!

[Eric eats them]

Colin Jost: I’m glad your business is doing well. That doesn’t actually answer any question about your father’s involvement in the business.

Eric: I’m thirsty.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright, I’ve got a juice for you. [Donald Trump Jr. is reaching for juice inside his pocket] The fact of the matter is, all the deals coming to fruition now [gives juice to Eric] were in place far, far before my father. [Eric cannot figure out how to put the pipe inside the juice box] Eric, Eric, let me do it. Let me do it. Come on, man, don’t just stab it. You’re making a mess. Look, insert straw here. Right? First of all, you’re not using the pointy end.

Eric: Sorry.

Donald Trump Jr.: Uh, Eric!

Eric: What did I do?

Donald Trump Jr.: You just gotta– Eric, I don’t wanna make a mess. [Eric just drinks the juice out of box without straw] There you go.

Colin Jost: He figured it out.

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s my brother. I’m proud of you. Colin, bottomline, the only people making decisions– [to Eric] You downed that quick, bud! Look at you, thirsty little guy.

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: The only people making decisions regarding the Trump Organization are Eric and myself.

Eric: And dad!

Donald Trump Jr.: No, no. Remember, Eric, dad does not tell us what to do anymore?

Eric: Yes, he does.

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, you wanna play on my phone, bud?

Eric: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. [Donald Trump Jr. passes Eric his phone] Eric’s a little jokester. What he meant to say was our the only people calling the shots at the Trump Organization are myself and this guy.

Eric: I’m tired.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, he’s going to get cranky. Gotta get him home. Okay, so it’s quick bath, jammies and then bed. Alright, bud?

Eric: Okay. Can Colin sleep over?

Donald Trump Jr.: Not tonight, bud.

Eric: Aww!

Colin Jost: Aww! Eric and Donald Trump, everyone.

Eric: And I’m Eric!

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Wiretapping Accusation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, this Saturday morning while his nurse was at temple, grandpa shuffled out of his room and got into his twitter again. Without offering any evidence in the series of tweets, Donald Trump accused former president Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during election? He even tweeted [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Is it legal for a sitting president to be ‘wire tapping’ a race for president prior to an election? Turned down by court earlier. A NEW LOW!” [Cut to Michael Che] Dude, you’re the president of the United States and you are seeking legal advice on twitter? That’s like your doctor tweet out, “Hey, does this look infected?” But this is a very serious allegation for a sitting president to make about his predecessor. And you know that it’s very serous because his very next tweet was [Cut to Donald Trump’s another tweet] “Arnold Schwarzeneggar isn’t voluntarily leaving the Apprentice, he was fired by his bad (pathetic) ratings, not by me. Sad end to great show.” [Cut to Michael Che] This guy’s train of thought is just baffling. He’s like a crazy dude on the Subway yelling, “They’re tapping my phone! Schwarzeneggar sucks. I can lick my own elbow.” Donald, just forget about ‘The Apprentice’ already. You’re the president now. You are the executive producer of the free world. It is a much more important show. And your ratings are dead last.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I do however give Trump some credit though. Earlier this week, he was able to speak like a human president for over an hour. In fact, 78% of Americans had a positive reaction on Trump’s speech. But that’s just because the bar was set at ‘read words good’. It is not an encouraging sign we are holding the president of the United States to the same standard as any Bar Mitzvah Boy. President Trump’s speech was met with silence from the democratic party and with cheers from the sausage party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a group of females wearing white dresses at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Female democrats wore all white outfits to show their support for the women’s suffrage movement. Either that or they were about to go to a party at P-Diddy’s house. [Picture changes to P-Diddy’s music video where everyone’s wearing full white clothes.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

President Trump appeared optimistic saying, “Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed.” Which is hard to believe coming from a guy who spent the better part of his life as a slumlord. Whenever a bad landlord says they’re going to fix something, you know they’re just gonna send some Russian dude to do it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A large part of Donald Trump’s speech on Tuesday involved immigration reform which Trump arguing that we should switch between merit basis system. And its true. Unskilled immigrants coming to the US cost taxpayers money. But the second generation of immigrants adds huge value to our economy. And by the third generation, they’re president. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

[Picture changes to Statue of Liberty]

A merit based system is contrary to the whole idea of America. My Irish ancestors certainly didn’t come here because they were the best and the brightest. They came here because god took their potatoes away. And now, after decades of hard work, they have literally dozens of potatoes. That’s progress. Back to you, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of soldiers at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At least they had a choice. President Trump said that his budget will help enlarge what he calls a depleted military. Depleted military? In relation to what, the death star? I think our military has body dysmorphia. We’re like that roided out guy at the gym slamming plates around still working on our traps. And it’s like, “Yeah, dude, we get it. You’re strong. Maybe focus on education now.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bashear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former Kentucky governor Steve Bashear then gave the democratic response to president Trump’s speech, from what appeared to be a public school cafeteria where the lights were running on a backup generator. This didn’t exactly inspire confidence if you’re a democrat. It looks like he was trying to sell my grandparents Colonial Penn life insurance. But hey, you know, what he looks like doesn’t matter. As long as he has a clear message.

[Cut to Steve Bashear’s video]

Steve Bashear: I’m a proud democrat. But first and foremost, I’m a proud republican, and democrat, and mostly American.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow, congratulations, democrats… and republicans… but mostly Americans. Democrats have to stop forcing new leaders on us and just let us find someone who voters respond to naturally. Passionately. And then work very har to make sure he doesn’t get the nomination. [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway in White House with her legs kneeling on a sofa at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kelly Conway was widely criticized this week after being photographed kneeling on a couch in the oval office. And sure, it does kind of look like she is searching for a Florida playlist to make her black friends dance, but I am not going to make fun of her. I actually feel bad for Kellyanne Conway, because he job sucks. You know, like when an Airline loses your luggage and you can’t talk to CEO, so you just end up screaming at some frazzled lady that’s now gotta spend her lunch break crying into a lean cuisine? Well, that lady is Kellyanne Conway. That’s her day. We all have rough jobs. But could you imagine being customer service for Donald Trump? I mean, look at her. Does she look like she’s in control? She looks like she should be on an informercial yelling, “But there has got to be a better way!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week it was also revealed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions met with the ambassador to Russia during the campaign, even though he denied such a meeting during his confirmation hearing. Now, saying no to a question when the answer is yes, might seem like a black and white issue. But remember, black and white issues are what Jeff Sessions is worst at. The only silver lining is that now when you google ‘Jeff Sessions’, ‘Jeff Sessions Russia’ comes up before ‘Jeff Sessions racist’. So that’s an improvement.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

According to reports, while Mike Pence was governor of Indiana, he used a personal AOL e-mail account to discuss sensitive matters, including Homeland Security. Pence said he originally chose AOL because hotmail was forbidden by his church.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Cheers and applause]

Took you a little while.