Tag: episode 16

Pete Davidson “Drake” Music Video

Pete Davidson

[Music video starts with Pete Davidson recording in his home]

[music playing]

Pete Davidson: [rapping] I’m just– I’m just here to have fun my friend

[Subtitle reads “From his mom’s basement.”]

we’re just making so much money. Wearing watches and getting beautiful women. You know, I’m just wearing this chain and I don’t know what to do. 

Uh-yeah

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
number one on the Billboard
number one on the Billboard

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

And I need you now
But you in New York and I’m in Macau
I’d be with you, but this is an obstacle
It’s just, it’s not physically possible
Like Mission Impossible, I’m Tom Cruise
Don’t wanna be losin’ you, I take a cruise in you
Penélope Cruisin’ too
I’m a tough guy, but hey, my heart take bruises too, uh

You are my love, you are my love
My baby girl, my number one
My baby girl, my number one
Like my Billboard song

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles

[Cartoon starts with a woman talking]

Woman: Look Mike, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I realized I spent years trying to fix this. To fix us. And the truth is, I don’t love you anymore. I want to but I can’t. Don’t you have anything to say?

Mike: Yeah. I’ve got something to say. [Cut to Mike, he’s a ninja turtle at his middle age.] If you think you’re getting the kids, you [bleep] crazy!

[Cut to Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles intro]

Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
all of them are just in Under Armour [The ninja turtles are wearing Under Armour sports t-shirts.]

They came from mutant gins a secret booze
now they do their shopping at Whole Foods
they used to be so cool
now they drive their spoiled kids to school

Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
and all of them are slower now, turtle power

[cut to Don having his meal. His phone rings.]

Don: Hello.

Female voice: Hi, Don. This is Dr. Fersunberg.

Don: Oh, hey.

Female voice: Is this a good time to talk?

Don: Uh-huh.

Female voice: Now, if you know, we found a suspicious lump on your spine.

Don: Uh-huh.

[Don’s heartbeat is racing.]

Female voice: So, yeah, we got your test results back.

Don: Uh-okay.

Female voice: Well, I’m looking at the report right now. And as it turns out it was just a benign cyst.

[Don’s relieved.]

Don: Oh. Okay. Great. Thanks.

Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles

[Cut to Raph and Leo at the park drinking coffee]

Raph: Hey, did you hear about Shredder?

Leo: No. What happened?

Raph: He die.

Leo: Wow. Seriously?

Raph: Yeah. You think we should go to the funeral?

Leo: No. No. Maybe the wake but definitely not the service.

Raph: Yeah. Hey man, [hesitating to speak] can I borrow some money?

Leo: Again? Come on, Raph.

Raph: [crying] God I got to stop betting on golf. I don’t even watch it.

Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
their best days are way behind them

 

MasterClass Quarantine Edition

Timothee Chalamet, Jojo Siwa, Carole Baskin… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with clips of people bored in the house]

Male voice: With the nation on total lockdown, now more than ever you’ve got time. That’s why there’s Masterclass Quarantine Edition. [Cut to Timothee Chalamet looking her mirror] Classes like Timothee Chalamet teaches fashion.

Chloe: I’m really passionate about clothing and fashion and all the clothes. Ha-ha. Hey, what’s up Masterclass? I’m Timothee Chalamet and your mom has sex dreams about me. Ha-ha. La-la-la-la. Ha-ha.

[Break message reads “Learn the keys to his success.”]

Hoodies are pretty much my favorite form of street wear. I’ve about 75 hoodies. All in different shades of navy blue.

[Break message reads “Find out his secrets.”]

Lesson number two is layering. Ha-ha. Put on a hat. Ha-ha. I put it like so. And literally just gonna take your hoodie and put it over your hat. Ha-ha.

[Break message reads “Our first class available in two languages.”]

[speaking in foreign language. Subtitle reads “I’m like a boy king.”]

I’m in my hoodie. I like to wear my hoodie like this. Or I can wear it like this. Ha-ha-ha. Na, na, na.

Male voice: And viral wild child Jojo Siwa teaches tiktok.

[Cut to video clips of Jojo Siwa doing tiktoks]

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

Jojo Siwa: Whoa! What’s up Masterclass? It’s your girl Jojo. That’s right, it’s me Jojo Siwa here to teach you how to tiktok.

[Break message reads “A voice like a wooden roller-coaster track- Time Magazine.”]

Now that I’m in quarantine I make a point to do 24 tiktoks per day. Lesson number one, and I’m gonna go fast because I’m technically supposed to be in home school.

[Break message reads “In her first ever online class.”]

Learn from me as to why exactly for no reason I do not understand why I have 17.7 million followers on tiktok.

[Break message reads “Master her unique techniques.”]

To make a tiktok, you can literally do anything.

[Cut to Jojo Siwa’s tiktoks.]

Tiktok is super simple, super easy. Put on your damn shoes.

Male voice: And Carole Baskin teaches bike riding.

[Cut to video clips of Carole Baskin riding bike]

Carole Baskin: Hello, you cool cats and kittens. Come, bike with me.

[Break message reads “Learn directly from the source.”]

Now, don’t go too fast. Where are all the kitties? [laughing] Good thing I’m not covered in sardine oil.

[Break message reads “Carole Baskin like you’ve never seen.”]

[music playing]

[rapping] Hey, you cool cats and kittens, come bike with me.
riding my bike on the big kitty lake around the kitty cat preserve
and I didn’t kill my husband
I like to ride by the big, big kitties and the little baby kitties

Male voice: Masterclass Quarantine Edition

Carole Baskin: Also, I didn’t kill my husband.

Male voice: Still, just as expensive.

How Low Will You Go?

Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett

Tara… Ego Nwodim

Hayley… Heidi Gardner

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Tip… Mikey Day

Dern… Pete Davidson

Townsen… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]

Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]

Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Tara in her home]

Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.

[Cut to Heyley]

Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]

Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.

Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.

Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.

Tara: I’ll do it.

Beck: Really?

Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?

Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.

Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.

Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.

Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.

Tim: Sweet.

Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.

Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!

Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–

Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.

Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?

Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.

Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–

Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.

Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.

Heyley: Whoever is fine.

Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?

Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.

[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]

Townsen: Hazza and hello?

Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.

Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.

Heyley: That’s fine.

Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.

Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.

Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.

Heyley: Whatever.

Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.

Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.

Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.

Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.

Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?

[The End]

Bernie Sanders Address

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now a message from Senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders sitting on a couch in his home]

Bernie Sanders: Hello, America. It’s me, Bernie Sanders. Always a bridesmaid, never the democratic nominee. Because of the stress of the campaign and the coronavirus, I’ve lost a lot of hair on top which I don’t think is coming back any time soon, unfortunately. As you know, I have suspended my presidential campaign. People have been very nice asking how I’m doing, if I have enough toilet papers. Please, hah! I’m the 78 year old man living in Vermont. I have a whole room full of toilet paper. And by the way, not the good stuff. Single ply. I’m talking single TP. But I digress.

I know a lot of you have questions. And because I can’t download Zoom on my Dell computer, I thought I’d answer them all right here. Question number one, what the hell happened? First of all, math happened. [speaking Spanish] And it didn’t help. That’s the media lined up behind Joe Biden like he lines up behind the set of lady shoulders.

Which brings me to our next question. Will I endorse Joe Biden? It’s not about if I endorse. I am going to endorse. It’s about how I endorse. A full throated [speaking heavily] I endorse this man? Or more than endorsement, uh- soft endorsement. I’m political chop. For the time being, it’s just the chop.

Let’s move on to the real crisis, The coronavirus. Our healthcare workers don’t even have the proper protective equipment. They don’t have Purell. They don’t have the little keychain that has the bottle of Purell that goes on your purse. Their gloves have holes in the fingers like Oliver Twist. And I should know. I went to high school with Oliver Twist. Oh, boy, what a schmuck. [mocking] Please sir, can I have some more. Some more. Greedy little bastard. To tackle this pandemic, here’s what we have to do. No more handshakes. No more high fives. And don’t even mention the Euro kiss. The only greeting we need is the half wave. it’s 50% ‘hello’ and 50% ‘yeah, yeah, yeah. Go away. Go away.’ It has worked for me for years.

So, what’s next? Look, don’t worry about me. It’s spring in Vermont, so soon it will be up to 40 degrees. And I finally have the time to relax and finish that heart attack from October. But my immediate plan is to do anything I can to beat Donald Trump. That’s why I’m voting for Joe Biden as enthusiastically as Joe voted for the Iraq war.

In closing, I just wanna say sincere thank you to everyone who voted for me. The young people, the queer people, the Brendans, the Kyles, and of course, the hot girls who love weed. And to the little bird who landed on my podium during the last election, where the hell were you this time?

So, stay safe. Stay healthy. And please, whatever you do, stay the hell away from me.

Okay, somebody show me how to turn this stupid thing off.

Male voice: This has been a message from Senator Bernie Sanders.

Bailey Gismert YouTube Channel

Bailey… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Bailey At the movies intro]

[Cut to Bailey in her home at her YouTube set.]

Bailey: Hey, what’s up? It’s me, Bailey Gismert. Welcome to my YouTube show “Bailey At the Movies.” As you guys know, I’m currently quarantined. By choice. Not coz I, like, have corona or whatever. But yeah, mostly because like, my parents, they’re being awkward. They’re like, don’t that like, push-up challenge. And my dad has a V now. So, I’m like, staying in my room. So, because of social–

[door knocking]

Mom! I’m doing a video. Okay, well then, slide the bacon under my door, please. Thank you.

Moving on. So, because of social distancing, movies like Mulan delayed their release. And I was like, okay, so you guys think Mulan has COVID? Because she’s Chinese? Like, that’s racism. It is.

Okay, but, some movies went straight to on demand which is what I watched.

So, the first movie that I saw was “The Hunt.” [showing a sticker note with “The Hunt” written on it.] Can you guys see that? OKay, so… I don’t know. “The Hunt” was like awkward. Okay, sorry, but like, a new movie is premiering on the Samsung in the den?

Like, that’s awkward! We had to pause in the middle because my dog ate a grape. So, yeah, the suspense? Nada.

Okay, so the next movie I saw was “Emma.” And, I don’t know, at first I was like, Olden Times? That’s awkward. But I don’t know. It was like, even though they had bonnets on, it was modern. Like, you could tell they were aware that #MeToo had happened even though it hadn’t. I don’t know. The only thing I was awkward about it was like, Emma definitely stole a lot form “Clueless.”

And then, I watched “Invisible Man.” And I don’t know. Like, I thought it was cute. Okay, no. You guys stop. I do not like the invisible man. Stop. It’s just like– yeah. He’s aloof, he’s mysterious, he’s got this energy of a guy with a good body. But it’s not that. It’s like– [sobbing] I feel invisible right now. Like, sorry, but like, I do. Between the virus, and like, father-daughter dance being cancelled, which by the way, my dad still wants to do. But like, we have to like, still do online classes. And I like, totally saw my AP-chem teacher just sleep on the mattress floor. And like, on top of all that, my mom has been like, trying on my bathing suit and posting pics.

[showing her mother’s picture on Instagram]

So… Oh, cool. And my guys friends just commented. Perfect!

Speaking of comments, if you guys liked the video that you just watched, like and subscribe below. And I don’t know, like, happy quarantine I guess? I don’t know. See you guys. Oh, and Louis C.K. special was actually very funny. Download.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Kevin Love

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Cleveland Cavaliers power forward Kevin Love is getting a lot of praise for an article he recently wrote about mental health. Here with his take on Love’s article is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Thank you. Thanks, Colin. Thanks. I think I speak for all crazy people when I say, [screams].

Colin Jost: That was good.

Pete Davidson: It made me laugh earlier.

Colin Jost: It was good. Had a crazy feeling.

Pete Davidson: So, last week Kevin Love, one of the least hatable white guys on the planet, he opened up about a panic attack he had during a basketball game. And he said, it opened his eyes to how no one should be too proud to talk to a mental health expert if they needed. The article was commendable. It was praised. But quite frankly Colin, I didn’t care for it very much.

Colin Jost: You didn’t like it?

Pete Davidson: No, it was fine. He’s a good guy. Bla-bla-bla-bla. Whatever. It’s totally cool that like, he had a panic attack. But if you’re gonna write an article about being unstable, leave it to the big boys, alright? I’m sorry you missed your three pointer, Kev, but I’ve been in therapy since I was six years old. And I wanted to kill myself when I was eight. Tough news about your rebounds though.

Colin Jost: Wait, I’m sorry. Are you like, bragging?

Pete Davidson: So what if I am? So what? I love being mentally ill. I’m so relieved, you know, that everybody knows that. Now I don’t have to hide anything. it’s amazing. if I’m like, out somewhere and I’m acting like a dick, everyone’s like, “Oh, no, he’s mentally ill.” You know? And if I’m happy, they’re like, “Aw, good for him.” But now, Kevin Love just waltzes in with his little panic attack and he just waters the whole thing down.

Colin Jost: I gotta say, Peter, it sounds like you’re jealous.

Pete Davidson: I am jealous. Like, Kevin Love is a handsome rich baseball player, okay? His uncle’s a beach boy. Alright. The worst one, but it’s still sick. He’s got it all, man. He doesn’t need my one thing, you know? Like, let me have that. Or trade me uncles. Your uncle’s out there touring, making the world the better place. When I was six, my uncle took me camping and then it started raining, and I heard thunder and I crapped my pants in the rain and then I told my uncle what I did and he punched me in the face. And then my mom told me not to tell my dad because my dad would kill him. And then my dad died like, a month later. But again, sorry about your free throw percentage.

In Kevin’s defense, he is right. No, I gotta say that so people don’t get mad. You know? I gotta pretend like I care about this guy. If you ever have a panic attack, you should see a mental health professional. No matter how minimal the episode. But just do me a favor and stay in your lane. Alright? I can’t stay on my late because I’m on a ton of Klonopin right now. Colin, are my eyes crossed?

Colin Jost: No. Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: I got new teeth.

Colin Jost: He got new teeth.

Weekend Update Stefon

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Stefon… Bill Hader

Shy… John Mulaney

Colin Jost: And today is St. Patrick’s day which means millions of tourists have come to the Big Apple. Here with some tips on what to check out is out Weekend Update’s city correspondant, Stefon.

[Stefon slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Stefon: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi. Thank you so much for joining us, Stefon.

Stefon: Conor, Persie, it’s nice to be here.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Stefon. So, the parade is now over? I bet a lot of people out there are looking for a great New York hangout? Do you have any recommendations?

Stefon: Yes. If you’re drunk in midtown doing cheap coke off your laundry card, I have just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is Gaddush. Inspired by true events. It is former CVS which became a chase bank and then became a CVS again, has a familiar yet troubling feel. Like, when Larry King would play himself in a movie. This place has everything. Death sets, key fobs, kale chips, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Plus, you can play everyone’s favorite party game, the stranger.

Michael Che: What’s the Stranger?

Stefon: Do you know that Billy Joel song, The Stranger?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Stefon: Well, it’s when you sit on Billy Joel’s hand until it’s numb and then you rub yourself with it.

Colin Jost: Wait, why does it have to be numb?

Stefon: So you can pretend it’s Bruce Springsteen’s hand.

Colin Jost: Stefon, let’s get back on track. I think a lot of people are in town for St. Patrick’s day. And they might be looking for something a little different.

Michael Che: Yeah. Something more Irish themed.

Stefon: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Moonlight, La-la Land.

Michael Che: What?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: If you’re Irish or just white and violent, I have a St. Patty’s place for you. New York’s hottest Irish club is “Off the church, mother.” Located in the clogged heart of the Bronx at the corner of threethousand street and Gary Marshall Memorial Drive. This gang ridden skateboard park was the ceremony spot for Vern Troyer’s twothousandfour wedding. This place has everything. Peeps, ted talks, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Be sure to hit the dance floor and do a jig with Ireland’s hottest Farrakhans.

Michael Che: Wait. Louis Farrakhan is at this club?

Stefon: No. Farrakhans. Leprechaun’s that look like Farah Fawcett. But also, yes. Minister Farrakhan will be there.

Colin Jost: Alright. Stefon, come on.

Stefon: Please, call me by your name.

Colin Jost: Fine. Colin. Just give us that one place. Tell us that one place that ordinary tourist might enjoy. Please.

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes. If you’re ordinary and you love seizure inducing Malaysian music, I’ve just a place for you. New York’s hottest club is “Stand clear of the closing doors please.” Built in upside down world, this haunted hospice was closed when the inspectors found a sexy form of asbestos that could cause disease.

Michael Che: What disease you get from sexy asbestos?

Stefon: Me-so-hornioma. This place has everything. Young popes, old popes, Roman J. Israel Esquire. But avoid the dance floor in Wednesdays when a dozen hot dachshunds and corgi’s get in free. They call it long and low night. I don’t trust any dog whose stomach touches the ground. Plus, you can party in the VIP room with a group of human squatty potties.

Michael Che: What is a human squatty potty?

Stefon: It’s that thing of– you know what? It’s a new era and I don’t want to say a word that could be insensitive. May I consult my lawyer quickly?

Michael Che: Sure.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Stefon: Great! He’s an attorney and a conceptual piss artist named Shy. Shy?

[Shy walks in with a briefcase]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: Hi, Shy.

Shy: Hello, gentlemen. How are you?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: Shy, do people still use the word… [Shy and Stefon start whispering] Got it. Thank you, Shy.

[Shy walks out]

Human squatty potties. it’s that thing of when you sit on a toilet and to have a good posture, two little people crouch in the bathroom floor and you put your feet on their hand.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. I’m really glad you made sure to make that not insensitive. Thank you very much. That’s great.

Stefon: Let’s take a closer look at political correctness.

[“A Closer Look” video bumper playing at the bottom of the screen.]

Michael Che: Wait, isn’t “A Closer Look” Seth’s thing?

Stefon: Oh. Seth and I are versatile. Some nights I do it and he’s under the desk.

Colin Jost: It’s Stefon, everyone.

Stefon: Jill Stein 2020.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on IHOP’s Apology

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of IHop logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The manager of IHop in Maine has apologized after a waiter asked a group of black teenagers to pay upfront for their meal, which is weird because most people who eat at IHop pay for it about two hours later. [Picture changes to toilet]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Snuggie clothes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Federal Trade Commission has ordered the makers of the Snuggie to pay more than $7 million in refunds over deceptive buy one get one free ads. It’s a rare piece of good news for people who own multiple Snuggies.

[Picture changes to a license plate]

The winner of America’s best license plate is New Mexico’s “Chile Capital Of The World” plate. While the worst is New jersey’s “Da Fuh You Looking At?”

Weekend Update on Andrew McCabe’s Firing

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a graph at left top corner.]

This week the national unemployment rate held steady at 4% while the White House unemployment rose to all of them. [Picture changes to everybody who resigned or were fired.] The crazy thing is I’m starting to feel sorry for all these people Trump is firing even though I thought they were terrible at their jobs. I mean, six months ago, could you have imagined thinking, “Hang in there, Jeff Sessions.”

[Picture changes to Andrew McCabe]

Latest victim was former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe who was fired two days before he was set to retire on his 50th birthday so he couldn’t collect his full pension. Damn, man. That’s cold. I men even the Joker [Picture changes to the Joker from Batman] is like, “You don’t treat people like that.” I love that Trump is being extra mean to the FBI guy who is definitely going to testify against him. It’s like walking in and announcing to a whole restaurant that you’re not tipping anyone before they make your food.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex

Michael Che: President Trump fired secretary of state Rex Tillerson and replaced him with CIA director Mike Pompeo. Tillerson will return to his previous job as the eagle from ‘The Muppets.’

[Picture changes to the White House]

Insiders are saying that more major staff shakeups could be coming to the White House. Trump is firing people like he’s trying to get us under the salary cap or something. It is kind of little too late. It’s like when those Domino’s commercial say, “Ay, Domino’s, we’re making some changes.” And you’re like, “Yeah, but just still Domino’s.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that special council Robert Mueller has subpoenaed documents from the Trump organization. By the way, Trump organization is maybe the greatest oxymoron in history. Have you ever seen Trump’s desk? [Picture changes to Donald Trump working on a messy desk.] He’s just a full hoarder. Good luck finding Russian evidence under some old McDonald’s wrappers, a pile of unsigned non-disclosure agreements and macaroni father’s day card from Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Stormy Daniels has offered to return the $130,000 that she was paid so that she can release any text, photos or videos she has with Donald Trump. For what? So, this lady is trying to show us revenge porn of a grandpa and we’re just okay with that? I mean what are you expecting to see? What if it’s good? Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared? Are you prepared to see Donald Trump tear up some ass? I mean he’s 63 and dumb as rock. You don’t know what he’s working with down there.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are logos of different news channels and papers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also, by the way, can the media please stop getting us all riled up with headlines like, “Will pornstar bring down president?” “Is Mueller moving in for the kill?” Just stop teasing us if there’s no payoff. I’ll tell the media the same thing I told my high school girlfriend. I’m totally fine waiting, but you gotta stop rubbing the outside of my pants.