Tag: episode 6

Family Feud- Harvey Family Thanksgiving

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Janelle… Leslie Jones

Mike… Chris Redd

Andre… Michael Che

Ricky Harvey

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Peter… Beck Bennett

Justin… Mikey Day

Cecil… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud, thanks giving edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Okay, now, welcome to a special thanksgiving edition of Family Feud. Now, some folks like white meat. Some folks like dark meat. Let me tell you a secret. Everybody like dark meat. Now, thanksgiving is all about family. So, I got two special ones here today. First, it’s my own. It’s the Harvey family.

[Cut to the Harvey family]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. These people are not only related to me, but they also work in Steve Harvey organization. First, we got my wife, Janelle who handles all my appearances. What else I got to do today, darling?

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Well, after this, you got your daytime show. Then you got your radio show. Then you got your book signing at Red Lobster.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Yeah. You like it when I’m busy. Big daddy getting that money. Ha-ha. Next, we’ve got my brother, Mike, who designs all my suits.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up, Steve? I came up with a new suit color yesterday. It is palorange.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That’s gonna be a number one best seller. Plorange. Ha-ha-ha. I like that. Plorange. Next, we got my nephew Andre who writes jokes for me.

[Cut to Andre]

Andre: That’s right. I came up with the bit on ‘Little Big Shots’ where when a child says something you stare at him for 20 seconds like he’s a ghost.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you mean like this? [Steve Harvey looks at camera] Yeah, I love that bit, man. And finally, we got my cousin Ricky who runs my personal line of mustache conditioning products.

[Cut to Ricky Harvey]

Ricky Harvey: That’s right. It’s called the Greasy Caterpillar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huge seller, man. Make you mustache dark and shiny like a slippery little penguin. And on the other side, we have got the Diedrichson family. [Cut to Diedrichson family. They are white] Now, we not blood related but these folks are like family to me. Carol Diedrichson has been on of my closest friends for over 30 years.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol: Yeah, that’s true. And I brought my wonderful family. You remember my husband Peter?

[cut to Peter]

Peter: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, good to see you, Peter.

Carol: My son, Justin.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin: Hey, Steve.

[cut to Carol]

Carol: And my other son, Cecil.

[Cut to Cecil. He is black. he has mustache like Steve Harvey, he looks like Steve Harvey and he speaks like Steve Harvey.]

Cecil: How you doing, player? [he speaks like Steve Harvey]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, hey there, Cecil. Wow. You sure have grown up since I last saw you.

[Cut to Cecil]

Cecil: Yeah, it has been a minute.

[Cut to Carol looking at Steve Harvey and Cecil]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hm, there’s something about you.

[Cut to Janelle looking furious at Steve Harvey]

Janelle: Yeah, I say so.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just start the game? Give me two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Janelle and Carol walk to the stage. Carol tries to shake her hand with Janelle but Janelle rejects.]

Janelle: No, thank you.

Steve Harvey: What? I thought you all was friends. Women are strange. Okay, 100 people surveyed. Top four answers on the board. Name something that you’re thankful for.

[Carol presses the button]

Carol: My home.

Steve Harvey: Oh, good answer. Good answer. You like your home, huh?

Carol: Oh, yes. We love it in Tempe.

Steve Harvey: Tempe, Arizona? Oh, I love Tempe. I spent some time on tour there about 17, 18 years ago.

Carol: Oh, I remember. It was raining.

Steve Harvey: Huh! Anyway, show me a place to do the nasty!

[right answer bell]

Ay! Number one answer. Alright, do y’all want to pass or play?

Carol: Well, I’m glad to play with you, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, you were always like that.

Carol: Yeah.

[Steve Harvey peeks at Janelle. She is looking at him furiously.]

Alright, come on Diedrichson family. Something that you are thankful for. Peter? [Steve Harvey walks to Dierdrichson family]

Peter: Well, I hope this isn’t selfish, Steve, but I’m thankful for money. Not for me, but to provide for my family. Like, equipment for Justin’s street hockey team. Or buying pocket squares and super shiny shoes for Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you like shiny shoes, huh?

Cecil: Yeah. The shinier the better.

Steve Harvey: I hear you, man. I love me some gators. Show me, getting that money. [right answer bell] Alright, it’s up there. Okay, we got two left. Justin, something that you’re thankful for.

Justin: Oh, um, I gotta say my health. I’m the fastest one on my cross country team. But I’m not strong like Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, he is strong, ain’t he? He must have good genes.

Justin: Oh, yeah. Cecil’s always been big.He’s had a full mustache since age 11.

Cecil: And, I was the sexiest boy in the 6th grade.

Steve Harvey: Well, you and I are very similar. Show me, big and manly at an early age. [right answer bell] Oh, yes.

[Justin and Cecil do high-five]

Cecil: Half brother. All in.

Steve Harvey: Wait, wait. Hold up? Half brother? I thought you wasadopted.

Cecil: Oh, no, Steve. Mama had me before she got married 17 years ago.

Steve Harvey: 17 years? Okay. Now, I’m doing a math. That’s–

Steve Harvey and Cecil: Kind of freaky.

[Steve Harvey and Cecil look at each other awkwardly]

Steve Harvey: Oh my lord, help me. [sad music playing] [Steve Harvey walks to Carol] I did a bad thing. I did bad. I thought I was out. I thought I was all the way out.

Carol: No, Steve, there’s nothing you need to do, okay?

Peter: And what are we talking about?

Carol: Steve, Steve, look at me. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Steve Harvey: But, is he smart os is he like– [pointing at himself]

Carol: He’s so smart, Steve. So, smart. Go over. Say hi.

[Steve Harvey walks to Cecil]

Steve Harvey: Hey, there, little fellow. Do you mind if I play the feud with you? Tell me what you’r thankful for.

Cecil: Well, player, I’m thankful for family in whatever form it takes.

Steve Harvey: You damn right. Show me family. [right answer bell] Ay! There it is. The Diedrichson family win. Next up, we going to play the lightning round but I feel like I should just give them the money. We’ll be right back.

Janelle: Hold up. This ain’t no happy ending.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, we got a lot of stuff to talk about. We do.

Come Back, Barack

Chance the Rapper

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

[Music video starts. Artists- De-Von-Tre, song- “Come Back”.]

[Chance the Rapper, Chris Redd and Kenan Thompson are the singers]

Chance the Rapper: Ooh!

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chance the Rapper: [singing] This time a year I get thankful babe
thankful for you

Kenan Thompson: But now, you’re gone
and I don’t know what to do

Chris Redd: You were so intelligent, you were so strong
waited my whole life for you, so damn long

Chance the Rapper: And now I see you moving on
and I’m begging you come back home

All: And every night
I turn the TV on and cry
I say why
I feel like we’re all going to die

So, come back Barack [Chris Redd is looking at Barack Obama’s picture]
even though it’s not allowed
we want you back somehow
I need you in my life

So, come back Barack,
we didn’t know just what we had
Now things are looking bad
like, really bad, like, World War bad, like, nuclear bad
So, come back Barack

Chance the Rapper: I see you hang gliding
living your life

Kenan Thompson: Dropping your daughter off
at college with your wife

Chris Redd: And you look so damn happy
and you deserve it, yeah, but I’m a selfish man

Kenan Thompson: And I know there is other democrats
more than just a few

Chance the Rapper: But when I think of change
the only chance I want is you

All: I’m in hell, dreaming about you and Michelle

So, come back Barack,
don’t leave us here alone
please pick up the phone
the White House ain’t a home

Just come back Barack

Kenan Thompson: It’s been a long time, Barack. Almost as long as since the guy talked over a record like this but for real, why would leave us? Oh, coz you had to? Because of the constitution? But you can come back, right? Oh, you can’t? Coz that would undermine the very institutions that we’re barely holding on to as it is? I see. I guess we stuck with this dude for a while then. Maybe you can come back and make a speech? How much would that cost? For real? Oh, no, we definitely can’t afford that. So, I’m just getting rained over for nothing. That’s interesting. Well, you enjoy your retirement, homie.

All: Come back Barack,
we need you all so bad
2020’s looking sad

Kenan Thompson: Maybe Michelle could run.

All: Like, really sad, like, super sad, like, what the hell we gonna do sad

Kenan Thompson: No, let’s not put Michelle through that.

All: Come back Barack

Kenan Thompson: But if she wanted to–

Chris Redd: I’d vote for Joe Biden

Kenan Thompson: What about George Clooney? I mean, that dude was Batman. That’d be cool. You know what? I don’t think the three of us have firmest grasp on government. But, hey, happy thanksgiving, everybody.

All: Come back Barack!

Chance-giving monologue

Chance the Rapper

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chance The Rapper.

[Chance The Rapper walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chance The Rapper: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so happy to be here hosting SNL. I’ve been here before as a musical guest, but this is the first time I’ve had to like, talk and stuff. So, we’ll see how it goes. I don’t have anything to promote tonight. The only thing I’m here to celebrate is thanksgiving. And in that spirit, in that spirit of giving, I pledge to give $1 million to Chicago’s public schools. Thank you. Thank you. The only problem is, I talked to my accountant and I do not have it. So, I need to make some money very fast. But then I realized there’s no good thanksgiving songs. And you can make some serious cash off a holiday hit. Mariah Carey is at that tree lighting every year singing ‘All I want for Christmas is you’. And it’s not coz she loves giant trees. It’s coz she loves having a third assistant whose only job is to yell at her second assistant. [music playing] So, tonight, I want to become the Mariah Carey of thanksgiving. And I want my song to honor what’s truly special about this holiday, how it’s the one time a year you invite all of your relatives to dinner, even the ones you can’t stand. So to all you outcasts and wierdos in the family, this one’s for you.

[singing] It’s thanksgiving time
the one day a year
when you invite the folks
that you normally fear
it’s thanksgiving time
when you are forced to see
every single bad apple
on your whole family tree

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

Kate and Cecily: [singing] Yeah, you are technically related
but they don’t share you dreams

Chance The Rapper: They’re your cousin in laws
whatever that means

Kate and Cecily: They won’t be at your wedding
you don’t know their full name

Chance The Rapper: One is a failed magician
and the other’s just insane

[Kate and Cecily walk out]

It’s thanksgiving time
no one said it would be fun

[Leslie walks in with a bag, and shows Chance The Rapper a handgun]

like when your aunt Shavonne
showed you a gun

your niece is gonna cry
about how no one is woke
and that’s the exact time
your uncle decides to tell a Cosby joke

It’s thanksgiving time
so say goodbye to all the rules
your uncle brought his oxygen
and he’s chain smoking kools

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

All: It’s thanksgiving time
they’re a total train wreck
but on this day
they gone get our respect

[Kate and Cecily walk out]

Chance The Rapper: And of course, we can’t forget the real heroes of thanksgiving , the turkeys. Can I get an amen?

[Cut to turkeys wearing priest robes]

Turkies: Amen.

Chance The Rapper: I said, can I get an amen?

Turkies: Amen.

Chance The Rapper: Can I get a drum-stick?

Turkies: Hell, no!

[Cut to Chance The Rapper]

Chance The Rapper: I tried. Come on.

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

All: It’s thanksgiving time
and we’re all on one side
except for the turkeys
who are all gonna die

[Kate and Cecily walk away]

Chance The Rapper: It’s thanksgiving time
get out the carving knife
your uncle showed up with a woman
who is not his wife

And I apologize
for causing such a fuss
because now all your relatives are gonna say,
“Is that song about us?”

And you can tell them
you can tell them

[SNL cast joins Chance The Rapper on the stage]

All: It’s thanks giving time
it’s only one day a year
so just drink the red wine

and eight to ten beers.

and let everyone
and you crazy aunt to see
Chance The Rapper: Coz it’s stuffing and loving and cousins and ovens and belt notch and Justin.

All: It’s thanksgiving time.

[Music stops]

[cheers and applause]

Chance The Rapper: we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Eminem is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Career Day

Mrs. Sellers… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Tollerson… Cecily Strong

Matthew… Pete Davidson

Luke Null

Robby… Mikey Day

Scott… Chance the Rapper

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Bill… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mrs. Sellers speaking to the class]

Mrs. Sellers: Well, I would say that there are more fun days than stressful days.

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Big hand for Matthew’s mom for telling us about her awesome job as a roller coaster designer for six flags.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, there is one last thing. Matthew, do you want to tell them?

Matthew: Um, my mom got the whole class annual passes to six flags.

Luke: Mrs. Sellers, you just made Matthew the coolest kid in school. Whoo!

[students are celebrating]

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Okay. This is a career week first. Roller coaster designing sounds very fun. Are they hiring?

Mrs. Sellers: Well, you need engineering degree.

[Mrs. Sellers walks away]

Mrs. Tollerson: No, that was a joke! Now, let’s bring up Scott and Robby to introduce their dads who are business partners. A double presentation, how fun.

[Robby and Scott walk to the front]

Robby: Well, um, Matthew’s mom is a tough act to follow. Roller coaster designer is very sweet. But I think our dads are up to the challenge. They are general contractors.

Scott: Trust me. It’s a lot cooler than it sounds. So, give it up for our dads, Bill and Gary.

Robby: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott take their seats. Gary and Bill walk to the front.]

Gary: Hello.

Bill: Good morning. Thanks. Gary and I started a company in 1996 called Petrol Works LLC.

Robby: Aw, such a dope name? Right? Petrol Works!

Bill: And we specialize in below ground construction of fuel tanks and flow piping for gas stations.

Scott: Yeap! This is happening.

Robby: Yeah. Pretty cool, right guys?

Gary: So, I guess we’ll kind of just take you through the process from the bid to the construction phase. First, we get contacted by a client such as Chevron.

Scott: Did you say Chevron? I think I speak for the entire class when I say, “Matthew’s mom, you suck!”

Gary: Hey, Scott! Alright. Other clients include Mobil, Exxon and Shell.

Robby: Wait! Mobil, Exxon and Shell? I mean, raise your hand if you just got so excited you blew your butt hole out.

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie? Language. And boys, I’m glad you are excited, but please let your dads talk.

Bill: Alright. So, when a client wants to build a new service station, we put together a bid, i.e., how much it will cost to build the fuel system.

Robby: Oh my god, I need some water. This is so dope. So dope.

Bill: Some jobs are more complicated than others. We had a job last year where the gas station was built on a hill.

[Robby sprays the water in his mouth on Melissa’s face]

Robby: A hill? That’s so bad ass!

Melissa: Gross!

Bill: Robbie, what are you doing? Knock it off, son!

Gary: And fun fact, petrol works is the first GV firm to use solar powered flow valve switches.

Scott: Solar powered flow valve switches? Status of my jeans, please? Scanning jeans. Your jeans are creamed.

Gary: Hey, stop that porno movie talk stuff now. Alright. Let’s continue, Bill.

Bill: Alright. A big also consists of a field survey, which is my favorite part because it gets us out of the office.

Robby: Ha-ha. And that cool joke makes it official, I want to bang my dad.

Bill: What the hell did you just say, Robbie?

Scott: Sorry, sir, your job is just so cool, you’re making the entire class horny.

Gary: Hey! I don’t know why you going so crazy for our job, but stop it with the weird stuff. What is next, Bill?

Bill: Um, we wanted to show you all a picture from the construction process. This is from a Mobil station job in the North Fullerton.

[Gary holds a picture of the pipe work]

Scott: Oh my god.

Robby: That is the dopest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Oh, I need to lie down. I’m gonna be faint. Oh my god, it’s just too dope, the pipes!

[Robby falls on classroom’s table and breaks it]

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie?

Bill: Oh, come on, Robby, what the hell are you doing? Get up.

Gary: Hey, Scott Douglas, put your clothes back on right now!

[Scott is only wearing is underwear]

Scott: I can’t. I got so hot. It’s too dope. It’s too dope, dad.

Gary: Okay, Mrs. Tollerson, can I do the honors?

Mrs. Tollerson: Sure, Gary.

Gary: Alright, Robby, Scott, principal’s office right now! Go on.

Bill: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott walk out]

Robby: So dope.

Mrs. Tollerson: Okay, well, thank you Bill and Gary for speaking to us today. Boy, I wish my teaching got kids that excited.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, maybe you’re not just a good teacher.

Mrs. Tollerson: What’s your problem with me?

Weekend Update- Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Not Retiring

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsberg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: As president, Donald Trump is now in charge of supreme court appointments which many predict will lead to a conservative majority for decades to come. Here to comment is liberal justice, Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsberg slides in]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Woo! Woo! RBG in the house, baby. I’m never gonna step down now. You can’t get rid of me.

Colin Jost: But justice Ginsberg, I think everyone expected you to retire soon. I mean, you’re 83.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Yeah. You’re damn right I was gonna retire. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] Clinton was gonna win, I was going straight to the Dominican Republic. Even the last time I was there, they thought I was a zika mosquito. But not now! Not now! Now I gotta stay alive and healthy, dammit! Give me my thing. [Ruth Bader Ginsberg pulls out a packet of vitamins] Excuse me. Gotta take my vitamin.

[Ruth Bader Ginsberg raises the packet and pours the vitamin all over her mouth.]

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s- That’s a packet. [Michael Che laughing] It’s good. It’s good. You got a little– kind of all over. [wiping powder off of Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s face]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: How dare?

Colin Jost: Alright. Sure. So you have no plans to leave the supreme court>

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Colin, the bench is now my porch. I’m gonna sit down on it all day and scream, “No, get out of my yard.”

Colin Jost: But come on, realistically, how long do you think you can hold on?

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, forever, Colin. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] I’m eating an apple a day to keep Ben Carson away. And by apple, I mean pure human growth hormone. And if that doesn’t work, I’ve hidden horcruxes in all the taverns in the DC metro area.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, people are also worried about all these people Trump is choosing for his cabinet. You know, Newt Gingrich, Steve Bannon, Rudy Giuliani.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: No! Stop it. Too much, Colin. Is that ghoul Giuliani really gonna be our attorney general? Although, if I wanna live forever, maybe I should just let him bite me. Speaking of biting me, Giuliani, you just got Ginsburned!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Crazy on emergency right now. Now, what do you think Trump does next?

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, whatever he wants. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] Thanks to half the country that didn’t even vote. You know, I regretted my comments about Colin Kaepernick. Then this week, he said he didn’t vote. So, I guess this guy takes a knee on everything. And that’s a hot Ginsburn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Oh god! You know, there are some people like Michael Moore too who say that Trump might get impeached before his four years are even over.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, great! And then we’ll get Pence. ‘The gay people can’t get a pizza’ guy. Awesome. Even though, I’m sorry, to me he kind of looks like the neighbor who kisses Kevin Spacey in ‘American Beauty.’ Hey, Mike Pence, sorry you looked at Magnum PI once and got a quarter chub and you’e been haunted by it ever since. And that’s a gay Ginsburn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Justice!

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: It might not be just emergency.

Colin Jost: Um, is there anything that can be done, do you think?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Yeah, yeah. Of course. Obama can confirm Merrick Garland tomorrow. And that way, I can finally leave DC, get this little beach house in Aruba I’ve had my eye on. Um! I just need the hermit crab inside it to die and I’m in, baby! And that’s not a Ginsburn. That’s a sunburn.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Ruth Bader Ginsberg, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on President-elect Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, Colin, it’s official. Donald Trump is the next president of the United States. Ha-ha, United. You know, I didn’t want Trump to win, but as a comedian, it is a little encouraging. Coz people are always telling me, “Che, you know you can lose your job for saying that”, and now I’m like, “No, I can’t.” How did this happen? Either Donald Trump is actually a genius or Hillary Clinton hit a voodoo priest with her car. I don’t think there has ever been two more unlikable candidates. Not one time in election have I heard anyone say, “You know what? I like them both.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And Donald Trump is now the oldest person ever elected president and has never held a job in government. If you’re 70 and you have no experience, you couldn’t get hired at Target. A 70 year old holding a new career is not how president supposed to work. It’s the plot of the Intern. [Picture changes to Robert De Niro’s picture from Intern.] A plot which Rolling Stone called “Pure fantasy.” It’s like if America needed life saving surgery and we could have got world’s most experienced doctors, but instead we went with a guy wearing a hat that says, “I am a good doctor.”

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Liberals did not see this coming because we’re too segregated. It’s like we forget there’s another half of the country. I didn’t think anybody would vote for Trump just like I didn’t think ‘A Madea Halloween’ would be the number one movie in America. I mean, who would choose that? Democrats got too cocky, man. They were like the Golden State Warriors winning 73 games. They won so often that they didn’t even think they could lose again. Then, they got their ass kicked in Ohio.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, I know this outcome seems shocking, but remember, America’s like Leslie Jones, addicted to white guys. [Michael Che laughing] I mean, sure for a while [Picture changes to Barack Obama] our friend Barry got us clean and sober for eight years, but then uncle Donny rolled into town with a gold plane and a stack o cash, and he was like, “One more hit of a white stuff won’t kill ya!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: People are blaming Trump’s victory on racism, I disagree, coz I’m racist, I didn’t vote for Donald Trump. I think the election came down to feeling special. Donald Trump made white guys feel special again. He spoke directly to them. He mad eye contact. Gave them little hats. He made white guys feel pretty and strong. He’s like Beyonce. 54% of white women voted for Trump. You don’t think that had something to do with senior out of work depressed husbands coming home from Trump rallies all jacked up and horny, ready to seize the day?

What did surprise me was that 30% of Latinos voted for Trump. I even asked my Mexican friend. I was like, “How could you vote for Donald Trump?” And he said, “Che! I’m Mexican… I’m Puerto Rican.”

[Colin Jost laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: You didn’t know? He wasn’t sure. [laughing] Ethnicity- other. And look, I–

Michael Che: Don’t look at me.

Colin Jost: And look, I know that this seems like a huge step backwards for our country, but we have to remember that progress isn’t just a straight line upwards. It’s a weird rollercoaster where sometimes you’re screaming for joy, and other times you’re barfing in your own face.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a crowd at right top corner.]

Michael Che: If anything this election shows, just how disconnected we are from each other. Okay? I mean look at this map of votes by county. [Picture changes to US map with blue and red zones separated by votes.] You see how the democrat areas look like the metro PCS coverage zone? I mean, we’re sharing a bet together and conservatives are all sprawled out in the middle while liberals are on the edge passing aggressively tweeting. You want this relationship to work, we got to cuddle, man! We got to talk, get familiar. You can’t just wait until you’re in desperate need of attention and poke her on the back with your penis and ask, “You asleep?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Barack Obama shaking their hands at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  ON Thursday, Trump went to the White House and showed us how brave he is, by meeting face to face with the man who founded ISIS.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

Yesterday was announced that mike Pence will lead Trump’s transition team which is weird because normally when people transition, Pence sends them to conversion therapy.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Despite Donald Trump’s campaign promised to drain the swamp, many of the people in line for his administration are long time Washington insiders and lobbyists. Because even if you drain a swamp, it’s still full of nuts [Jebb Bush] , sleepy little turtle [Dr. Ben Carson], a hissing possum [Rudy Giuliani] and pile of wet garbage [Chris Christie].

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know you still got to drive to New Jersey, right?

Colin Jost: I just won’t take the bridge.

Michael Che: And please people… [laughing] And let’s not mourn to political career of Hillary Clinton. Okay? She’s not going anywhere. This woman is a gangster. She’s unbreakable. This is not her first upset. Okay? Hillary Clinton once lost a presidential race to a black guy named Hussain and she is still fighting. Hillary Clinton is like Roy Jones Jr., every time she gets knocked out again, I’m like, “Why are you even still doing this? Do you need money? I’ll give you money.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton facing backwards at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m hopeful now that Hillary can finally have some time for herself. Like, the day after the election, she was already spotted hiking in the woods near her house. And weirdly, she had already grown out a full David Letterman retirement beard. There were also some really good historical moments on Tuesday. For example, a record number of female minorities were elected to the senate. [cheers and applause] That’s what I’m saying. Let’s see all their names right now.

[Cut to the video list. The list is as short as ‘Kamala Harris, Tammy Duckworth, Catherine Cortez Masto, Mazie Hirono’.]

[Cut back to Colin Jost. He is holding his coffee mug and about to drink it.]

Wait, what? That was it? That was the record? I thought I had more time. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Walt Disney]

Disney has received permission to fly drones over it’s themed parks. In an effort to caption or kill Aladdin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of vegetables at right top corner.]

Michael Che: “Che, I’m Mexican.” What are they thinking? [Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: So confident. [Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: Right down the part. A new study shows that people with the vegetarian diet may live longer. Okay, but for what?

Walking Dead Chappelle’s Show

Dave Chappelle

Negan

Tyrone Biggums

Andy Johnston

Donnell Rawlings

Chuck Taylor

Lil’ Jon

Clayton Bigsby

[Starts with Dave Chappelle in the SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: You know, gang, all week long people have been asking me if I was going to do any characters from Chappelle show tonight. And at first, I wasn’t going to. And then, I saw that episode of Walking Dead where they smash this guy Glenn on head and killed him… I know, it was devastating, coz I love that show and Glenn was one of my favorite characters. So, I was like, frust. So, in that spirit and with that in mind, I hope you enjoy this.

[Cut to Walking Dead video bumper]

[Cut to a man walking and whistling. There are few other men there.]

Negan: I just cannot decide. [He has a baseball bat with throned wire on it] Which one of you is gonna dance with death tonight. [There are few men on their knees before Negan] Wait, I got an idea. Bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish, how many pieces do you wish?

[Cut to Tyrone Biggums scratching his neck]

Tyrone Biggums: Bubblegum? I’d like two please. My mouth feels dry

Negan: Oh, he’s a feisty one. I like that.

Tyrone Biggums: Well, with all due respect, Mr. Negan, in my line of work, when you’re on your knees, they won’t give you bubblegum. They give you penis.

Negan: Shut up!

Andy Johnston: A nigga named Negan. I think you look more like a Stephane. Your face looks like Nigro league.

Donnell Rawlings: [laughing] Stop it, you’re killing him.

Andy Johnston: Them some ugly ass boots you got on there. As the white boys say on the internet, what… are those?

Negan: Something funny to you, Drippy? Dry and brittle jerry curl. Disgrace! [looks at another man] Look at this pasty bastard.

Chuck Taylor: Oh god, no. [starts crying]

Andy Johnston: God! Have some god damn respect for yourself.

Negan: Man the fuck up.

Chuck Taylor: What do you want? Money? Sex? Sex, isn’t it?

Tyrone Biggums: I’ll try some sex.

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: What?

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: What?

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: Okay.

Chuck Taylor: Come on, man! All lives matter. All of us, right?

Andy Johnston: No, black lives don’t.

Lil’ Jon: Kill us for what?

Negan: Well, well, well.

Clayton Bigsby: I know that smell in a way. Frustration and cocoa butter. Looks like we got us a negro monsters. Put that down, monkey!

Negan: Monkey? Don’t you realize you’re black?

Clayton Bigsby: Yeah. For what I hear, this hat will say otherwise. [wears Trump’s ‘make America Great Again’ red hat] Trump’s America now, boy.

Chuck Taylor: [whispering] It sure is.

Negan: Well, I stand corrected. Seems like a lot of you still got some fight in you. It’s good. I like that. Makes it more fun. You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry–

Lil’ Jon: Hah?

Negan: Yeah. A lot of you will be doing some of that.

Tyrone Biggums: Nice.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head off his body.]

[Tyrone Biggums’s head falls down on a rock. He’s still looking at Negan.]

Hey, Negan, which one of us are you going to hit? The suspense is killing me.

Negan: Taking it like a champ.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head with the bat, but his head rolls away.]

Tyrone Biggums: Strike one.

Lil’ Jon: Yeah.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head with the bat again, but his head rolls away.]

Tyrone Biggums: Strike two. Gotta be faster. Body! Help me out!

[Tyrone Biggums’s body runs and picks his head up.]

Andy Johnston: Note to self, remind me to try crack.

Tyrone Biggums: As long as we as a nation begin to heal, through laughing together. [everything disappears and we can only see his head on blue background.] For even though our country seems irrevocably severed like a man from his head, let my example prove that we should continue to move forward. Let us see ourselves in one another. For only empathy can conquer hate. I am every man. I am every woman. It’s all in me. Everything you want done baby, I do it naturally.

[Cut back to Tyrone Biggums’s body holding his head]

Now let’s break out, y’all. I only got two months until they take away my health care. Body, if you will?

[Tyrone Biggums’s body starts running with his head in his hands.]

Love and Leslie

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Leslie Jones looking at other couples]

Leslie Jones narrating: If I’m being honest, it’s really hard for me to connect with guys, coz I kind of have a big personality. I’ve tried internet dating and you know, getting hooked up by my friends. Nobody never really wants to actually date me, you know. It hurts. I wanna be in love just like any other girl.

[Cut to Aidy telling her story to Leslie Jones]

Aidy: The entire dinner was laid out with flowers. And I was like, “What is this for?” And he was like, “Just for you being you.”

[Cut to Leslie Jones narrating]

Leslie Jones narrating: I was never the type of girl that really dated a lot. You know, I got my first boyfriend at 18. We were on and off for like, seventeen years. And haven’t fell in love with anybody since. And thsi job, it does not make it easy to meet men because I’m always working. It feels like the only men that I interact with is the ones that I work with you know? Sometimes it’s not a bad thing.

[Cut to Leslie talking to someone]

Male voice: I just don’t want to be on camera, okay?

Leslie Jones: You’re not ashamed to be with me, are you?

Male voice: Of course not, Leslie. It’s just, I mean, we’re at work right now.

Leslie Jones: Come on baby, trust me.

[Leslie Jones hugs him. It’s Kyle Mooney.]

Kyle Mooney: You know I can’t say no to that.

Kyle Mooney narrating: I guess you can say Leslie and I have been getting… closer this year.

Leslie Jones narrating: I like Kyle. He’s got this nerdy, goofy, cartoonish-type face. And he makes me feel really special. So…

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Kyle Mooney]

Leslie Jones: You know, I was thinking like, maybe tonight we can take it to the next level?

Kyle Mooney: You know, I’ve never gone all the way.

Leslie Jones: You know I’m gonna take care of you.

[a staff is watching them]

Leslie Jones narrating: Kyle and I kind of have some different life experiences. Kyle’s never had sex before.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels]

Lorne: I don’t normally get involved with cast relationships. But I think it’s important for Kyle to lose his virginity.

[Cut to Kyle talking to Beck and Alex]

Beck: Are you and Leslie gonna, you know..

Alex: Oh, yeah. I heard about that.

Kyle Mooney: What? You told Alex?

Beck: Yeah, sorry, I told him.

Kyle Mooney: I don’t know, okay? Dont–

Beck: Sorry, I just didn’t think it was big of a deal.

[Kyle Mooney walks away]

Kyle Mooney narrating: I’ve been waiting for this my whole life. I guess the only thing I really struggle with is… The Colin stuff.

[Cut to video clips of Leslie flirting with Colin Jost on the show]

Why does everyone think that’s real? She’s just doing a character. It’s like entertainment, okay? I’m not doing this. I actually don’t want to do this anymore. [Kyle Mooney stands and throws away the microphone.

Leslie Jones narrating: Kyle has nothing to worry about. Me and Colin are strictly professional. [Kyle Mooney is peeking at Leslie and Colin working together] People make a big deal out of it but it’s truly just for the show.

[Kyle and Colin walk pass each other]

Kyle Mooney: You little bitch.

[Colin looks at Kyle Mooney]

Colin: What?

Kyle Mooney: Nothing.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Kyle Mooney]

Leslie Jones: Don’t be like that.

Kyle Mooney: It’s just the whole world thinks you guys are together.

Leslie Jones: But you know that I don’t like him like that. It’s just for TV. [Leslie Jones gets on top of Kyle Mooney and starts undressing] And you know when the TVs come off, so does this.

Kyle Mooney: Tell me I’m not dreaming.

Leslie Jones: You are not.

[Leslie Jones closes the door]

Kyle Mooney: Baby!

Leslie Jones: Ooh!

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Kyle Mooney in the hallway in front of the door wearing robes]

Kyle Mooney: Wow. That was amazing.

Leslie Jones: Yes. And I guess it’s safe to say that–

[Dave Chappelle walks in]

Dave Chappelle: Excuse me. Sorry.

[Leslie Jones and Kyle Mooney move and Dave Chappelle enters the room.]

God damn! Did ya’ll [bleep] in my dressing room?

Last Call with Dave Chappelle

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Corey Dipships… Dave Chappelle

Sheila Savage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender calling for the last call at the bar booth]

Bartender: Alright drunky McDrunks. Last call. Hook up now or go home and hump your body pillows.

Corey Dipships: Hang on, bartender. Give me one more of those scotch and pepto. I got a case of the squirts but I still want to drink.

Sheila Savage: Make mine a gin and sonic please. That’s gin with a little hamburger in it. What have i got to lose besides another foot? Ha-ha-ha.

Bartender: Oh, brother.

Corey Dipships: [looking at Sheila Savage] Well, well, well. Is this thanksgiving yet? Looks like there’s one little butterball rolling around in the freezer.

Sheila Savage: Why don’t you set me on the counter and let me come to room temp before you stuff my butt full of cornbread, huh?

[Bartender looks pissed off and shows a yellow card]

Bartender: Yellow card.

Sheila Savage: You mind if I plot my slop a little closer?

Corey Dipships: Sure, let me just love my briefcase. By briefcase, I mean zip-loc bag filled with emergency underwear. Bartender, do you have a coat check?

Bartender: Yes, sir. [receiving the zip-loc bag using a tong] I’ll take care of it.

Sheila Savage: You know, I was looking at you because you have that certain still here quality.

Corey Dipships: And I noticed you because the whole back of your shirt is burnt out.

Sheila Savage: Well jokes on you, coz it’s the front. A rival tried to set me on fire and she did it. Hi, I’m Sheila Savage.

Corey Dipships: I feel like I’ve seen you before.

Sheila Savage: Uh-huh. You might recognize me from ABC’s “What would you do?” I was the one that didn’t help the tourist getting mugged. Matter of fact, I joined in. So, what ‘s on your driver’s license?

Corey Dipships: Besides legally blind and organ needer? Well, it’s got the name Corey Dipships, which is weird because I ship dips to Korea.

Sheila Savage: Get out!

Corey Dipships: Yeah.

Sheila Savage: That’s crazy. I’ve been banned from Chinatown.

Corey Dipships: Oh? Something’s happening here.

Bartender: Yeah. It’s called the first sign of the apocalypse.

[a frog falls down in front of Bartender]

Corey Dipships:  You know, when I first saw you, I was like, “F- no!” But now, I’m like, “F-I guess.”

Sheila Savage: You had me at when I remembered there are detectives waiting for me at my apartment. You feeling what I’m feeling?

Corey Dipships: If it’s resignation, then yes.

Sheila Savage: Hey, what’s your sign?

Corey Dipships: Oh, I’m on the cusp. You see, my head poked out on Tuesday, but I keep my feet in till Friday. What’s your sign?

Sheila Savage: Vagitarius.

[Bartender is blowing blow-horns on his both ears.]

Bartender: Good. Now, I can’t hear things.

Sheila Savage: Alright, alright. I can take a hint. Hey, why don’t we go back to your place and 67?

Corey Dipships: 67?

Sheila Savage: that’s me trying to get at your junk while you’re like this. [posing with her arms spread in front.]

Corey Dipships: I would rather go back to my place and do a little 66.

Sheila Savage: Oh yeah? What’s that?

Corey Dipships: That’s you facing away from me and I just work on myself.

Bartender: Look, just seat the deal so I can power wash your stools.

Sheila Savage: Slugger, looks like you just hit a grounder and you’re headed to first base.

Corey Dipships: Well, that’s good because I have a rod and it’s as unpopular as the ball player.

Sheila Savage: Alright. Let me just get my axe body spray on .

[Corey Dipships and dSheila Savage are spraying on themselves]

[Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage start kissing]

[Bartender is washing his eyes]

Wow, it as de-rotic.

Corey Dipships: Yeah, you gave me a hard-off.

Sheila Savage: Hang on. Hang on. I think these dark times, we need a little grace and a little beauty. Let’s bellagio this sucker. Huh?
Corey Dipships: Let’s do it.

Sheila Savage: Bartender, a little WC please.

[Bartender plays music on the jukebox.]

[Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage are spraying water on teach other and kissing.]

[Bartender is now sobbing looking at them]

Bartender: Dammit, Anthony! You let her get to you. Well, time to be a good guy with a gun.

[Bartender pulls a gun out shoots at Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage]

Sheila Savage: Hey, we’re making out over here!

Kids Talk Trump

Vanessa Bayer

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with a person talking on TV]

Man: It’s hard to be a parent tonight for a lot of us. You tell your kids, don’t be a bully, don’t be a bigot. They’re afraid of “How do I explain this to my children?”

[Cut to ‘Kids Talk Politics’ intro]

[Cut to Vanessa talking with the kids]

Vanessa: So, we just had a big election for president. Did you parents vote?

Kids: Yes!

Vanessa: Great. So, the candidates were Hillary Clinton against Donald Trump. Have you guys heard of Donald Trump?

Kids: Yes.

Vanessa: What have you heard about him?

Boy: He’s funny but he’s kind of a bully.

Girl: He like always talks about how great he is

Boy: He’s got like weird fake hair.

Vanessa: He does, right? How about you? What do you think about Donald Trump?

Black Girl: He unleashed racism and xenophobia. We now must return to the dark ages of white presidents. Also, my dad said that Donald Trump will stop and frisk my cat.

Vanessa: What?

Black Girl: We have a black cat. His name is pussy.

[Dave walks in]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, sweetie.

Black Girl: Dad!

Dave Chappelle: Sounds like somebody’s driving some truth. Let’s get your stuff. We’ve got to get pussy from the vet. Bye kids.

Kids: Bye!

Vanessa: [to other kids] Pussy is their cat.

Kids: We know.