Tag: episode 9

Kevin Hart Stand-Up Monologue

Kevin Hart

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Hart.

[Kevin Hart walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kevin Hart: Hey. Oh, we can do better than that. [cheering harder] Let me hear y’all. Yes. Yes. So excited to be here, man. So many amazing things going on right now. Where do I start? First and foremost, Jumanji. I have Jumanji coming out soon. I’m extremely excited about that. Um, I can talk about the fact that this is my third time hosting Saturday Night Live. My third time on this stage. Excited about that. I’m about to go to my third tour. My third tour. Irresponsible tour. I’m excited about that.

People, big things are happening right now. I just had my third baby. I just had baby number three. Yes. Yes, I did. Now, I can admit– I can admit to everybody I wasn’t– I wasn’t excited about having a baby in the beginning. When we had the idea of having a baby. I wasn’t through. I didn’t know if I wanted the baby. That’s just me being honest. Don’t judge me. I’m being honest. I didn’t know if I wanted the baby. The reason why? It’s because I got two babies already. My daughter’s 12. My son’s 10. I told my wife. I said, “Babe, I got the best of both worlds. I did it. We married. So technically, those babies are your babies. That’s what I told her. Those are your babies too. She said, “I know. But they old. I want a new one.” I said, “Well, first of all don’t talk about my kids like they’re used cars. Don’t do that, okay? These kids are working perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with these kids.”

The thing is for me, I didn’t want to deal with that two year old age again. That was my fear. That’s a tough age, man. You got to have a lot of patience to deal with that two year old child. Just think about it. All you do is just repeat yourself all day to a two year old child. That’s all you do. You say the same thing over and over again to a two year old child.

“Hey! Hey! What did I say? Look at me. Look at me. No. What did I say? Ah! Look at me. Look at me. What did I? No! What did I say? Put it! Look, haa-hah! No! Haa-hah!” What is that? What is “Haa-hah?” That’s not even a word. But we made it the word. Go behind a stranger that you don’t know and go “haa-hah!” I bet they duck. I bet they duck. Coz it always follows with a hit.

You gotta have too much patience, man. There’s so many things I don’t like when it comes to little kids. I’m gonna tell you what I really don’t like. I don’t like these younger women that are making these older men have these babies. I don’t like it. I was at a park. I saw a 60 year old man with a two year old baby. It disgusted me. I didn’t like it one bit. Coz he couldn’t keep up with the baby. The baby is too much for him. He was treating the baby like the baby was a loose basketball at a playground. You should have seen it. “Ay! Ay! My man. Look up. Grab that baby. Pass that baby back to me please. That’s my baby. Ay! Please. Hey! Coming down the side board. Right there. That’s my baby. Hey. Pass that baby back to me please.” He couldn’t bend his knees. He didn’t know how to work none of the baby equipment so he kept trying to talk to me to get me to do the things for him. “Ay, you. My man. Right there. Hey, please. You, right there. Ay! Right there. Come here for a second? Please. I don’t know how to get the stroller down. Okay? Like, I got it up but I can’t get it down. It’s like I took viagra and I don’t know what to do afterwards. Okay?” I said, “Look, man. It’s a new stroller. The new strollers are touch and release. All you got to do is tap the button in the middle. You tap the button in the middle, the stroller’s gonna collapse.” He said, “Can you show me how to do it?” I did it. I tapped the button in the middle. Stroller collapsed. He lost it. “Oh! My god! Okay. Alright. I need you in my life.” He said, “Can I get you to follow me to my car and help me properly stripe my baby in the car seat?” I said, “What?” He said, “Let’s just hypothetically say I didn’t do it right on the way over here.” He said, “I made a left and my baby slipped from the right and smacked her head on the glass on the left hand side. I just need you to help me, brother.” I said, “I don’t mind, man.” Long story short, I’ve been watching this guy’s kids for last two weeks. True story.

I will say this though. You have to take your hat off when it comes to dealing with kids to the women. Women, I give you so much credit. Like, you guys do so much. I will. I- I take my hat off to you. You know why? Because when it comes to putting structure in the child’s life, when it comes to bathing, feeding, taking kids to school, from school, you guys do that. You’re responsible for that. And you know what? I applaud you for that. But one thing that you’re not… The one thing that you’re not is fun. Now, I know when you first hear it, I know you’re getting attitude already. “What? I’m fun. That’s a lie. You a liar. I’m fun.” No, you’re not. You’re not. You’ve never heard a kid say, “I can’t wait to get home and play with my mom.” You ain’t never heard that. “I can’t wait for mommy and me time.” That don’t exist. Don’t no kids say that. All of the fun responsibility lies on the shoulder of the father. It does. Now, I know right now, women, you’re looking at me and saying, “So what? If it does, just play with kid.” What you don’t understand is the fun becomes the hardest job the kid does not know how to shut fun off. Let me tell you the scariest thing for men to see after a long day at work. He is tired. The scariest thing for men to see when he opens up that door real slow is that baby with a lot of energy on the other side. [screaming] “Oh, yeah. I’m ready to play, daddy. I wanna play that game where you close your eyes and I keep opening them back up. That’s what I want to do, daddy. I want to jump on your neck, daddy!” That’s a bad game, man. You gotta have a lot of patience as a man to deal with that. A lot. Some men have it. Some men don’t.

I want to make a bet right now. I’ll make a bet that every single man in this audience that has a child has done what I’m about to say at least one time. At least one time. Long day at work in your car. You drive home. You’re pulling your driveway. Soon as you get in the driveway, that baby with all the energy gets in the blinds and sees you. “Oh, yeah! Daddy’s about to pull up.” You see the baby. You see the baby see you see the baby. And you back out that driveway.

We got an amazing show for you guys tonight, everybody. Foo Fighters are here tonight. [cheers and applause] Yes! Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson… Alex Moffat

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Inside The NBA intro]

[Cut to the show set]

Ernie: Hey, welcome back to Inside The NBA. I’m Ernie Johnson. That’s Kenny the Jet Smith and Charles Barkley.

Charles: Hey, there.

Kenny: What’s up?

Ernie: And on my right is Shaquille O’Neal.

Shaq: Happy holidays and Merry Christmas. Very merry. If you’re Jewish, happy home manukkah.

Ernie: Thank you, Shaq. Um, we also want to welcome back Charles who spent the past few days in his home state of Alabama campaign for Doug Jones. I’m sure you’re happy, Charles.

Charles: Oh, man, I am, Ernie. First of all, I’m happy for Alabama. I’m happy for the country. And I’d be personally happy if I hadn’t bet $100,000 on Roy Moore.

Kenny: Wait, you bet on Roy Moore?

Charles: I couldn’t help it, man. I thought he was a lock. I’m from Alabama. That’s not the most progressive place. I mean a lot of folks down there think that Ellen DeGeneres is going through a phase. I mean, Roy Moore rode a horse to the polls.

Shaq: Hah! Ay, Shaq can’t ride no horse. Feet don’t touch the ground. But you can’t be the dead horse because dead horse tell no tales. Coz they’re horses. We lost their tails.

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, you gotta get it together, man. I think you’re the only basketball player whose brain has aged like a football player. Let’s just say congratulations to Doug Jones.

Kenny: It’s amazing that the underdog won.

Shaq: Yeah. Well, let me say something. Every dog has it’s day. But it was night time. No time for dogs. Dogs are asleep, so it’s cat time. Cats come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Shaq a freak!

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, what the hell are you saying, man? We talking about the senate election.

Shaq: Ho-ho. Hey, I love the send-it (senate). I write an email, hit the send button, boom. Send it (senate).

Charles: Oh, damn, Shaq. It’s like a whole bunch of words got jumbled up in your brain and a fire marshall said, “Everybody out!”

Shaq: Hey, you shut your mouth, Charles. Don’t make me come over there and do something Shaq for you ass. Ya-ha-haa.

Ernie: Okie, dokie. Um, let’s just move on to tonight’s games. First up, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavs are taking on the LA Lakers.

Kenny: Expect a big game from LeBron having another NVP. He’s just on an entirely different playing field this season.

Shaq: No, no, no. No. That’s ridiculous Kenny. LeBron is not on his field. He’s on a court, dummy. You dumb. A court is in session. Alright. The honorable Shaq and Shaq don’t crack. Haaa.

Charles: Damn, Shaq. I can hear your tiny brain rattling around your skull like a little bean in a maraca.

Ernie: Oh, alright. Alright. Let’s all try to get along for once?

Shaq: Yeah. That’s right. Coz when you get along, you go along. And when you go along, you tag along. And Shaq loves Tag alongs. Best girls got cookies. Tag alongs. It is the Shaq of cookies. Haaa.

Charles: Shaq, that didn’t make a lick of sense. How do you even do endorsements? Do they just put a pack of ice in your hand and then sprayed peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and dropped over the words later.

Shaq: Okay. That’s it. It’s go time. [Shaq stands, he is very tall] Let’s go, Chuck. Throw me the ball.  [someone throws a basketball to Shaq.] Haa, yeah. Me and you, Charles.

Charles: Okay.

Shaq: Let’s go.

Charles: Come on, man. We are getting too old for this.

Ernie: Guys, guys, we are paid to come to work and talk bout basketball.

Shaq: No. No. No. I’m about to get you barbecued chicken. It’s duckets coz you shaqed in a fool. Let’s go, Chuck.

Charles: Man, look at you. Tall body with little arms. You look like the letter ‘F’ came to life.

Ernie: Okay. Hey, we’ll be right back where maybe, we’ll even talk a little basketball.

Charles: $1,000 says we won’t.

Holiday Jewelry

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Cecily strong

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with women decorating the Christmas tree in their house.]

Male voice: She’s the one who makes the holidays merry and bright. The perfect gift. The perfect wrapping. The perfect everything. So, what do you get the woman who makes Christmas for Christmas? [Greg takes Kate to show her the gift] The gift every woman desires. [He shows her a ring box] A beautiful charm from Pandora. [There’s a little coffee cup in the ring box. Kate is confused.]

Kate: Oh, it’s one of these? It’s a little coffee cup.

Greg: I knew you would.

Kate: What?

Greg: I’m sorry. Did you say you love it?

Kate: [in unimpressive way] I do. I love it.

Male voice: And Pandora charms. We take one little fact about your wife and turn it into jewelry. If it’s now, it’s a charm.

[Cut to Alex opening the ring box to Cecily. Cecily is happy first, but then is confused after seeing what’s in the ring box.]

Cecily: Oh, is it a little dress?

Beck: Yeah. I noticed you wear dresses.

Cecily: It has pink ribbon on it. It’s for breast cancer?

Beck: [looks at it carefully] Oh, yeah.

Male voice: Pandora charm sees the thing you want to tell her the most. Like, I know what job you have and that job is nurse. Or, you like drinking. Or, this is a dog. And once you bought a Pandora bracelet, you can get her one of these $60 whatever for every birthday, mother’s day and anniversary for the rest of her natural life.

[Cut to a party]

Kate: [to her friends] It’s a coffee cup. Greg got it for me. Greg, look what I’m wearing. [Greg and Kate raise their glasses to each other] [to her friends] I got Greg a motorcycle.

Cecily: I got us a threesome.

Kate: Wow.

Aidy: Wow.

Cecily: Yeah.

Male voice: Pandora. Come back to the mall.

Weekend Update – Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Christmas

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There’s only eight days left before Christmas. Here with his holiday dating tips is they guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

[cheers and applause]

The guy: Yeah. Ho-ho-ho. [singing] It’s beginning to look a lot like Sex-mas. Hey, happy holiday, Santa Cols. Skin tight to be back.

Colin Jost: My god. I think you’re even worse than I remembered. How have you been?

The guy: Not great, Col. The world has gotten it’s granny panties in a real twist since last we spoke. Got into some hot wat at the office. I had to go incognit for a bit, a little adic-facil out in the boo. Low-key little sex rehab situate to save my J-O-B. It was hard but overall pretty tight and I’m a changed man.

Colin Jost: Wow. Congrats, man.

The guy: Thank you. Now, let’s talk getting fala-la-la-la-la-laid.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s my guy. Okay.

The guy: Okay. I’ve got some tips that could help even Santa slay (sleigh). Now, when it comes to buying her a gift, you can’t lose with booze. Go for that second smallest bottle of Bails, maybe a nice Stoly Orang, or just bring some Veno to the sceno. Pick up anything in the sub-20-buck range that will get her lit up like that tree in Rockefeller Centro. I have a small bad wang. Now, let’s talk gifts of gold and Frankenstein. Since that will have her coming back for mer. ‘Tis the holiday for lingerie, and gents, don’t half shaft it with some cut rayed skivis, okay? Head straight to Vicky-6 and ask for a recommende. Don’t worry about what size. Just make it guess-demaise based on what kind of goodies the sales chika packed for lunch. My junk blows.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These, again, are dating tips for Christmas?

The guy: Wi, señor. Now, to make your Mrs. claws up your back, um, you gotta set that wintery scene. Take her to a top notch ski res and get your slope on. Then retire to the ski chalet where she shall lay if you play things right. Remember, mistletoe leads to camel toe. And medically speaking, my missile is a toe. Now, light up a fire– [Colin Jost laughing hardly]

Colin Jost: What?

The guy: Geez.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No.

The guy: Happy holidays.

Colin Jost: Yeah, their problem. Yeah.

The guy: Um, light up a fire and you’ll log her quicker, then you can say, “This never happens to me.” But it always does. It came upon a midnight clear but she most certainly did not. I’m neither a goer nor a show-er. Um–

Colin Jost: Look, man. Come on. It’s the Christmas show, okay?

The guy: Rodger, dodger. Now, let’s talk poist, post coids proto Col. Um, once you’ve done the deed and show em’ the seed, you can run, run Rudolph. Make like Santa Clause and leave her presents. Bad jingle, worse bells.

Colin Jost: It’s disgusting.

The guy: Well, hey man, don’t make me deck the Colls. Ha-ha. Nah, I’m Jost kidding. I only pick on people my own size which is just shockingly small. My penis, I mean. It’s bad an it’s small. And the thing is Colin, nobody likes it.

Colin Jost: And yet, somehow it’s not the worst thing about you.

The guy: Umm. It’s a Philly’s nobby dud. Now, in cum-clusion (conclusion), no matter who you open presents with on XXXmas, there’s no better place to unwrap a box and on the stern of the uptown girl.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What is the uptown girl?

The guy: My boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: My god. The guy who bought a boat everyone.

The guy: It’s duck-tomorrow-logo.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Christmas Party

Kenan Thompson

Ron… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Kevin Hart

[Starts with four adults enjoying the Christmas party]

Kenan: Well, it is Christmasy as all hell in here. Sorry I said hell. I’ve had too many of these guys. [pointing to his cocktail] How much Bailey’s is in these, Ron?

Ron: It’s all Bailey’s, my man.

[laughing]

[door bell ringing]

Cecily: Oh, oh, that’s probably Crystal and Jean. They said they were arriving late. [Cecily opens the door] Ah, Merry Christmas. Come on in.

Leslie: How are you doing? Sorry, [pointing at Kevin] this is one to blame.

Kevin: Oh, man. Here we go. Ha-ha.

Ron: Can I get you Bailey’s on the rocks?

Kevin: Oh, thank you. Thank you. I love one.

Leslie: Um, do me a favor. Get him a diet Pepsi.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on, now. I can’t even have a drink? Oh, sweety Crystal. come on.

Ron: Oh, Jean, have a drink if you want.

Kevin: Oh, no, Ron. I shouldn’t push it.

Leslie: Do you have straws?

Cecily: Well, we have the crazy straws that our kids like to use.

Leslie: Hmm, that will do.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on. Don’t make me use a child’s crazy straw. Come on, Crystal.

Leslie: I’m not gonna listen to you slurp, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, I’ll drink it quiet, honey. Come on, baby. I don’t slurp.

Leslie: You think you don’t slurp, Jean? [Leslie passes Kevin a glass of Pepsi with a crazy straw] Here.

Kevin: Okay. I guess I’ll take it.

[Kevin takes a seat by Kenan.]

Kenan: So, you do everything your wife says there, Jean?

Kevin: What? What, you– What? [laughing] You got it all wrong. She just knows what’s better for me. That’s all. I’m very– I’m very lucky.

Leslie: Jean, I’m under the mistletoe. Get over here and kiss me.

Kevin: Oh. Okay, alright. I’m on my way, sweetie. Okay.

Kenan: You better snap to it, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, come on, now. Ay, Reggie, come on, now. Don’t bust my chance like that.

Leslie: Hurry up. Do you know how desperate I look right now?

Kevin: Oh, well, I’m coming, hun. I’m just–

Leslie: You know what? Forget it. You’re too late. Go kiss yourself.

Kevin: [looks around] Well, baby, how do I kiss myself? I don’t know how to even do that.

Leslie: Then grab that life size Christmas bear under the tree and kiss it.

Kevin: Oh. Baby, I– I really gotta go kiss that over sized teddy bear? The one with the overall? Come on, Crystal.

Leslie: Yes. And make it a good one, Jean.

Kevin: What? Like a big kiss? You talking the whole thing, Crystal, baby? Come on, now.

Leslie: Yes. A French kiss and I wanna see a lot of tongue. Jean.

[Kevin walks to the teddy bear]

Aidy: Oh, Jean, you do not have to do that.

Kevin: Oh, well, no. I better. I don’t — I don’t want Crystal to be mad.

Leslie: Kiss that teddy bear like you mean it. Show then what I have to deal with every night, Jean.

Kevin: Well, come on now, Crystal. I don’t want them to see our secrets. Come on, baby.

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kenan: Yeah. We don’t want to see your secrets either.

Leslie: Tell that bear how hot it looks. How hot he looks.

Kevin: What? What do you mean he?

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kevin: Oh, come on now, Crystal. Alright, your booty look good.

Ron: His booty? What is happening?

Leslie: Take that bear’s Christmas overalls off Jean.

Kevin: Oh, Crystal, baby. Don’t make me undress the teddy bear. Come on, Crystal.

Kenan: Ay, Jean. You don’t have to do that.

Aidy: Yeah. This isn’t your house.

Cecily: Yes. And that’s Elain’s Christmas gift.

Kevin: Well, well, I’m sorry. Okay? I just gotta pick my battles with Crystal. [Kevin starts opening teddy bear’s clothes] Get your overalls off. Come on.

Leslie: You’re making that bear work. Show him what you really like, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on now. Those are my bedroom fantasies.

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kevin: Well, I don’t see any fingers or nothing on the bear, Crystal. Let me get the leg out the pant or something out. Come on. I’ll do this and I’ll just turn the bear.

Kenan: Hey, stand up for yourself, Jean.

Ron: Yeah. You don’t have to do that, man.

Aidy: Get off my stuffed bear.

[Kevin gets embarrassed]

Kevin: You know what, honey? You’ve been laying into me heavy all night in front of all my employees. But I think maybe you’re going too far, okay? Now, I’m not gonna try to put my– you know what I am. I’mma put my foot down right now and I’mma say, “That’s it.” No more. No more I’m gonna do this. I will not make out with this life sized teddy ear anymore.

[The employees look proud]

Leslie: Hmm. Somebody gets a little diet Pepsi in him and suddenly he’s all man. Hmm, how about we go home and you get one top?

[Leslie walks out]

Kevin: Oh, baby. Come on now. Now I got to be on top?

Leslie: [yelling] Come on, Jean!

Kevin: Alright, sweety. Well, let me get the bear. We can finish what we started. I’m sorry.

[Kevin carries the life sized teddy bear]

I’m sorry. I know. We made a mess.

Cecily: Did they just take Elain’s gift with them?

Aidy: It’s okay.

Captain Shadow and the Cardinal

Captain Shadow… Kevin Hart

Cardinal… Chris Redd

Police officers… Alex Moffat, Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of robbers robbing a bank’s vault. They’re wearing clown masks.]

Captain Shadow: Hey, fellas!

[ Suddenly two vigilante superheroes come in and beat up all the robbers]

[Cut to Captain Shadow and Cardinal inside their Shadow mobile. They’re wearing masks, superhero costumes and are driving really fast.]

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, we did it, Captain Shadow.

Captain Shadow: But the Killer Clown is still eluded us once again. Let’s hurry back to the shadow cave and inspect this mysterious clue he left behind.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] That sick bastard will never go away with whatever he’s planning. Thanks to us.

Captain Shadow: Don’t get too cocky, Cardinal. The Killer Clown is still– [police siren] Ah! God dammit! It’s the cops.

[Captain Shadow pulls over.]

Alex: [on speaker] Turn off the engine.

Cardinal: They probably just wanna thank us.

Captain Shadow: Yeah, I bet. Look, just be cool and let me do all the talking, okay?

[Alex walks out of his vehicle and approaches Captain Shadow]

Cardinal: Okay. I won’t say a word.

Alex: Good morning, fellas.

Cardinal: Good morning.

Captain Shadow: Uh, hello officer.

Alex: Nice masks. What are you guys? Coming from a party or something?

Captain Shadow: No, sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] But I guess you can say we busted one up, right Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Shut up, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

Alex: Any idea how fast you were going?

Captain Shadow: Uh, I mean, I’m really not sure. 65? 70 maybe?

Alex: Collect you guys at 140.

Captain Shadow: Oh.

Alex: Yeah. License and registration, please sir.

Captain Shadow: It’s me. It’s Captain Shadow. This is my trustee sidekick Cardinal.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] The dynamite two-some. At your service.

Captain Shadow: Hey Cardinal, will you just shut up?

Alex: Okay. I see you’re rappers or something. I still need to see your ID.

Captain Shadow: No. We’re not rappers. And my identity is a secret. So…

Alex: Ah! A secret?

Captain Shadow: Yeah. I’m a crime fighter.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] You really don’t recognize us?

Alex: [to Cardinal] How old are you?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] 16.

Alex: Is that your son?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] No. But we live together in the cave.

Alex: Okay. Out of the car. Let’s go.

Captain Shadow: [getting out of the car] Cardinal, that’s gonna be your biggest setback. You don’t listen.

Alex: Well, do you need help? Get out.

Captain Shadow: Alright.

Alex: Been drinking today?

Captain Shadow: Uh, no sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never drink.

Captain Shadow: Hey!

Alex: Uh-huh. Pretty sweet ride you got. You got fire coming out of the exhaust. I don’t see a license plate on this thing.

Captain Shadow: Yeah. Well, of course, not. It’s the shadow mobile. Alright? I made this car myself.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Yeah. Coz he’s a genius.

Alex: Ay, was I talking to you?

Cardinal: No. But he is.

Alex: [to Captain Shadow] Okay. Hands on the hood.

Captain Shadow: Okay. I really don’t think–

Alex: Let’s go. Common. [Alex starts searching Captain Shadow’s body] Alright. Do you have anything that will stick me?

Captain Shadow: Probably.

Alex: Any weapons or gun?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never use guns. Coz guns are for cowards. Right, Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Will you shut up, Cardinal?

Cardinal: Sure.

Alex: [looking at Captain Shadow’s belt] What is this?

Captain Shadow: It’s my utility belt.

Alex: Yeah. What’s on it?

Captain Shadow: I don’t know. Smoke bomb, gadgets, it’s a lot of–

Alex: Uh-huh.

[Alex takes the belt off of Captain Shadow]

Captain Shadow: This isn’t really necessary. Just call commissioner Morgan. He knows who I am.

Alex: Yeah. teneightyfive, I’m gonna need a car.

Captain Shadow: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Any time a black man wants to do something good for his community, we gotta go through something like this. Every time.

[Alex shows a small packet of cocaine]

Alex: What’s this?

Captain Shadow: What’s what?

Alex: This bag. What’s in it?

Captain Shadow: That’s um– That’s dust. That’s energy dust.

Alex: Oh yeah? Looks little bit like cocaine.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh please!

Captain Shadow: What? It’s not cocaine. It’s like cocaine but it’s different. It’s–

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] He just needs it for energy and courage.

Captain Shadow: Shut your trap.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, what seems to be the problem here? Hey, Captain Shadow? What’s going on, my brother? [takes the packet] What’s this right here? [tastes it] Oh, that’s cocaine.

Captain Shadow: Well, it’s not mine. It’s not mine.

Alex: You said it was your energy dust.

Captain Shadow: Did I say that? But it’s not mine. I probably confiscated it and just forgot about it. Left it in the belt after taking it.

Kenan: Alright, let’s go ahead and get you in some cuffs, buddy.

Captain Shadow: No. We don’t need those.

Kenan: Thank you very much.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, no! Captain Shadow. What should I do?

Captain Shadow: Call my lady. Tell her they got me again, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

[Cardinal runs in the streets wearing his superhero costume.]

[Cut to the newspaper with front page article ‘Capt Bust for the Dust.]

Active Jack

Cecily Strong

Jack Taylor… Kevin Hart

Cindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Old Jack Taylor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Cecily in her set]

Cecily: Thank you for joining us for our annual PBS Pledge Drive. As you know, public television has brought so many wonderful educational shows for our children throughout the years including Active Jack. [Cut to DVD cover of Active Jack] In 1971, [cut to Cecily] long before the push for youth fitness, Active Jack Taylor was getting kids all over the country to get out there and move. And who could forget the classic opening theme.

[Cut to opening theme of Active Jack]

[music playing]

Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. It’s time to get off the couch and get moving. Ha-ha. Can you move? Well, can you groove? Solid! Everyone…

everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me

I got lazy, move around
I got muscles to go up and down
I go up, up, up and down, down, down
let’s go, up, up, up and down, down, down
one more time, I go up, up, up and down, to the ground

Yeah!

[two girls join Jack Taylor]

Cindy: Hey, Jack.

Dorothy: Hey, Jack.

Jack Taylor: Hey, wad up, girls? Hey. Are y’all ready to exercise and harmonize and motorize?

Cindy: We sure are.

Dorothy: My doctor says exercise is good for me.

Jack Taylor: Oh, yeah. Then let’s get into it. Take it to the reach.

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro
it can take you higher
move you way down low

Cindy: Hey, Jack. What kind of exercise are we gonna do today?

Jack Taylor: Oh, dig this. It’s called the South Philly breakdown, okay?

[Jack Taylor does the exercise. Another guy and a come in dancing to join. Everybody are copying what Jack Taylor is doing.]

Yeah.

Dorothy: Wow. That was way cool, jack.

Jack Taylor: Oh. Well, it ain’t nothing to me. So, get moving. Hah! And be like Active Jack!

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Wonderful. And now, we at PBS have a special treat. After 45 years, the cast of Active Jack has agreed to be with us tonight for an exclusive reunion. So, now, performing the theme song, the original cast of Active Jack.

[Cut to Old Jack Taylor turning around. He doesn’t look happy at all.]

[music playing.]

Old Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. Get off the couch. [breathes heavily] Get moving. Ha-ha. Come on. Here we go. [he is barely moving]

everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me
I got lazy, move around
I got muscles to go up and down
I go up, up, up and down, down, down
here we go, up, up, ouch! and down, down, down
I think I’ll just sit, sit, sit, stay here on the ground.

[Dorothy walks in. She is very old.]

Dorothy: Hi, Jack.

Old Jack Taylor: Hey, hey, Dorothy. Oh, what happened to Cindy?

Dorothy: Oh, she’s gone, Jack.

Old Jack Taylor: Why, lord? Well, are you ready to exercise and harmonize and motorize?

Dorothy: My doctor says if I exercise my hip will shatter like a wine glass.

Old Jack Taylor: Well, let’s do it anyway. Come on, let’s take it to the reach.

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro
it can take you higher
move you way down low

[Old Jack Taylor farts] Oh! I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry about that. Let’s just try that South Philly breakdown. Here we go. [doing the exercise] Hey. Hop, hop, hop. Hop, hop, ah! Okay, cut it. Cut the music. I popped something. You know what? Kids, do what you want. Smoke, drink, I don’t care. Coz guess what? Everybody dies.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Okay. Um, guess we’re gonna cut that a little short. But remember, you can still get all the classic episodes of Active Jack–

[Old Jack Taylor walks in]

Old Jack Taylor: Ay, Willy! Put my town in country round and bring around close. Make sure you turn the heat on.

Where’d Your Money Go?

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Rob Gronkowski… John Cena

Conor McGregor… Alex Moffat

John Daly… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with stage of the game ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’]

Male voice: It’s Where’d Your Money Go? With your host Charles Barkley.

[Charles Barkley walks in]

Charles Barkley: Alright, hello. This is Charles Barkley. Hey there, pro athletes and welcome to Where’d Your Money Go? Where we try to teach financial security to some of the world’s most ignorant millionaires. Look, I’m not making judgements. If I managed my money well, I damn sure wouldn’t be hosting a game show. Alright, let’s meet our contestants. First, we got an all star tight end for the New England Patriots worth $15 million, it’s Rob Gronkowski.

Rob Gronkowski: What’s up, bro? It’ so awesome, haha.

Charles Barkley: Alright. Now, you’re a football player and your body is your paycheck, but once a year you trash it on a cruise called Gronk’s party ship.

Rob Gronkowski: So awesome. Just me, my five brothers, 800 friends doing lemon drop shots wearing huge sunglasses. Hit!

Charles Barkley: Oh, man! You’re like a Dave and Busters if it was a person. Next, we got a man who wears $10,000 suits and just bought $350,000 Rolls Royce, UFC fighter, Conor McGregor.

Conor McGregor: Charles, I’m not going broke, so you can take your patronizing tone and shove it up your ass.

Charles Barkley: Alright, I know you’re not broke now, but let me ask you a question. How many high school friends work for you?

Conor McGregor: Six.

Charles Barkley: Well, you better get yourself a Roth IRA, Conor. You know what that is?

Conor McGregor: Yeah. I’ve been in the IRA since protestants moved into my neighborhood.

Charles Barkley: And finally, a golfer who has lost $90 million over that past 15 years. He is currently ranked 991st in the world. It’s John Daly.

John Daly: [smoking] I’m still in playing shape, man. I’m loose as a goose.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, you’re playing golf. It’s the only professional sport where people carry your stuff. Alright, let’s take a look at our ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’ categories. They’re the usual four. I spent it. I sniffed it. I lost it. She took it. Okay, the game is simple. I’m going to throw out some scenarios, and the answer to every one of them is ‘No’. You got it? Okay, good. Gronk, I’m gonna let you pick first.

Rob Gronkowski: Awesome, bro. Let’s go with the spinning.

Charles Barkley: Okay, the first question in that category. Buy a cheetah. Scenario: You’re looking for a pet but the seller warns you that this pet might eat your family. Do you still buy it?

[buzzer sound] Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Hell, yeah. Cheetah would be awesome bro. Put some sunglasses on it and feed it Cheetos.

Charles Barkley: Gronk, let’s try to remember the rules. The answer is always ‘No.’ [buzzer sound] John Daly.

John Daly: Hell, I’ll buy that son of a bitch. It can be buddies with my shark.

Charles Barkley: That is incorrect. Once again, the answer is always ‘No.’ Remember, if you own an animal that used to belong to a drug dealer or middle eastern dictator, that’s a red flag. Okay, pick again, Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Ah, let’s move to I lost it.

Charles Barkley: Okay, the question there. Own a restaurant. Scenario: A man in a nightclub wants you to invest in an Asian fusion restaurant even though you have absolutely no restaurant experience and you don’t know what Asian fusion even is. Do you do it? [buzzer] Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Absolutely, bro. Write him a check. Wings all day.

Charles Barkley: Gronk, this is about investing. Do you know what that is?

Rob Gronkowski: Yeah, dude! I just invested $2 million in Solo Cups.

Charles Barkley: Oh, okay. How did you do that?

Rob Gronkowski: Bought a boatload of Solo Cups.

Charles Barkley: Alright, Gronk, I think you’ve eaten too many wings. Your head is full of thigh meat. Anybody else here know how to invest?

John Daly: Hell yeah, man. I just launched my own alcoholic sports drink. It’s called Smirnoff Sport. Smirnoff Sport. It’s just blue vodka.

Conor McGregor: Invest? Pfft. Why should I invest in some silly bank for years when I can go to Vegas and double my money in an hour? All I do is win, Charles.

Charles Barkley: Okay. Last time you went to Vegas, what happened?

Conor McGregor: I lost.

Charles Barkley: Conor, gambling is an addiction. I still have my issues myself. Yesterday I bet Michael Jordan $10,000 that I would get a hole in one.

Conor McGregor: the odds of that is fairly long, man.

Charles Barkley: I know. Specially because we was playing poker. Gronk, nobody got us, so why don’t you pick again?

Rob Gronkowski: Let’s go over to ‘She took it’.

Charles Barkley: Okay, the question there, Trust a Stripper. Scenario: A stripper you just met follows you home, sits you down, and then says put on this blindfold and count to 1,000. Do you do it? I’m going to give you a hint. You don’t do it. [buzzer] Conor.

Conor McGregor: I like that. She’s freaky, right? Yeah, you bloody go for it.

Charles Barkley: No! You angry little leprechaun. Remember, there’s only one answer. Anybody else? [buzzer] Gronk.

Rob Gronkowski: Sounds like a trick question. Nobody can count to a thousand, so I’m gonna go for it.

Charles Barkley: Gronk, you know the rules when it comes to strippers. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, my wife senses a pattern. Oh, man, this is terrible. I really believed that you guys would get at least one question.

Rob Gronkowski: Sorry we let you down, bro.

Charles Barkley: No, no, it’s not just me. Personally, I bet the Phoenix sons Gorilla, that one of you would get one answer right. And now I’m down $50,000. Okay, let’s just take a break. When we come back on ‘Where’d Your Money Go?’ we will ask, cocaine, is it your friend?

John Daly: No, it’s your family.

Charles Barkley: No, you shut it, John Daly.

Weekend Update on Russia Interfering with the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

It’s being reported that the CIA believes that Russia influenced our presidential election in favor of Donald Trump. You see? Feel better now popular vote? No? Okay. At this point telling us why Trump won is like a fire department showing up to tell us why our house is currently on fire. Just put it out. We’ll talk about it later. Trump’s team then dismissed the CIA claims saying that these are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Now, first of all, Trump, damn, that’s a good comeback. Wow! Even the CIA responded to trump saying, “Wow, it’s like that?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And this comes after president Obama ordered intelligence officials to produce a full review on Russian efforts to influence the 2016 election. The review will be conduced by just lookin at Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This could also explain why Donald Trump has only been to a couple of the Daily Intelligence Briefings since winning the election. But Mike Pence has been to six a week. Pence is kind of like a wife carefully reading the IKEA instructions and Trump is the stubborn dad yelling, “Yeah, it did it right. It’s supposed to be wobbly!” You know, as crazy as it sounds, maybe it’s better Trump doesn’t know what’s going on. I mean, we can’t trust him with secrets. This guy tweets every thought that pops into his head. He is so petty and so vindictive, how long before he tweets out the president of China’s home phone number because he got a bag egg roll somewhere? I hope they tell him as little as possible. When Trump shows up for a briefing, I hope they give him some headphones and an iPad and make him watch ‘Frozen’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was revealed that Donald Trump will keep his job as producer on ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’ while he is president. It’s an absurd, unethical and potentially illegal conflict of interest– only on NBC.

Now, people are upset that Trump is doing a TV show and won’t go to intelligence briefings, but face it, America, Trump won because he is the fun guy. If we wanted a diligent, competent, experienced president we would have elected nerd lady. Okay? If your schools elects the rich cool guy president, he isn’t going to suddenly show up to school council meetings and examine the science budget. He is going to go on a V victory lap around the school, start a food fight with the model UN and grab some cheerleaders by the pom-poms. I mean, his whole platform was ‘Seniors rule, Mexicans drool.’

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex Tillerson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump is expected to nominate EXXON CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of State. Rex Tillerson is such an oil tycoon’s name. The I in Tillerson should be an oil rig. Tillerson may have no government or diplomatic experience, but EXXON is known for their charitable work of cleaning oil off of ducks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former mayor Rudy Giuliani has removed himself from consideration for a position in Trump’s cabinet, which is a smooth political way of saying Trump didn’t pick him. I mean, that’s like Dirty Grandpa taking itself out of Oscar contention. [Picture changes to Paula Dean] Or Paula Dean saying she won’t accept an NAACP image award. You’re good.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

On Tuesday, Donald Trump tweeted that he wants to cancel an order with Boeing for a new Air Force one because it costs too much. Which is weird, because Trump usually waits until after the work is done before he refuses to pay.

Trump has justified his use of twitter saying he’d tweet less if the press did their jobs better. Or if Ambien [Picture changes to a medical pills] did it’s job better.

[Picture changes to pope Francis]

The spread of fake news on the internet has become so prevalent that even the Pope spoke out this week and denounced fake news. And you know what’s bad when a guy who gets his news from voices in the sky and burning bushes is telling you to check your sources.

Weekend Update on Pro-Trump Graffiti Artist’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Philadelphia city at right top corner]

Michael Che: A black man was arrested in Philadelphia after he went on a pro-Trump graffiti spree. He has been sentenced to spend the next five years with his aunty and uncle in Bel Air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of South Korean flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: South Korean’s parliament has voted to impeach president Park Geun-Hye, the country’s first female president over a corruption scandal. You know, it’s hard not to look this story and think, “That could have been us.”

[Michael Che laughing]

Cool! Well, it’s dress-rehearsal.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to a glove and a diamond ring]

A woman in Long Island discovered a diamond ring inside of a glove while trying it on at a department store. And because it was Long Island, it was still attached to her finger.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a

Michael Che: Amazon has opened a new grocery store in Seattle that uses sensors and artificial intelligence that allows customers to buy products without going to a cashier. So, not all the jobs are going to Mexico and China. Some of them are going to robots. Robots are even taking the jobs that we thought we’d never lose. Like, laid off factory workers became truck drivers because those truck ain’t gonna drive themselves. Well, guess what? In about two years, those trucks are going to start driving themselves.

[Picture changes to a Santa]

And white people freaking out over another news. The mall in America in Minnesota hired their first black Santa, which provoked outrage in social media. You know, having a black mall Santa sounds like a really nice idea until your white baby starts crying on his lap and your Christmas card looks like the toddler is a racist. Now, I don’t know what color Santa should or shouldn’t be, but he has given America a couple of hundred years of free labor. It sound pretty black to me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Santa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I gotta say I think Santa’s black too, coz the only other guy I know with a pet reindeer is Tracy Morgan.

[Picture changes to Joslyn Wildenstein]

Joslyn Wildenstein known as the cat woman for extensive plastic surgery to make her look like a cat, was arrested on charges that she scratched her boyfriend. In fairness, he was taunting her with a laser pointer.

[Picture changes to a caduceus]

And a new study has found that people who shave or trim their pubic hair are more likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases. So, you’re probably in the clear, old guy at my gym!