Tag: Kate McKinnon

Teacher Trial

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Gabbin Deli… Pete Davidson

Cathy Deli… Kate McKinnon

Plaintiff lawyer… Taraji P. Henson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Deli… Bobby Moynihan

Defense lawyer… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’r watching HLN. That stands for Head Line News.

[Cut to the pieces of news on cut news papers]

When I return to HLN’s live coverage of Hot For Teacher: the Janet Johnson-Luna’s civil trial.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott. Here at the Hillsborough County Courthouse in Tampa Bay for day six of the trial of Janet Johnson-Luna.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna sitting in a courtroom.]

A 32 year old teacher at Villa River High School, [Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott] who was caught having a sexual relationship with 16 year old student Gabbin Deli.

Paula Abbott: In court today is Deli’s mother, [Cut to 5 crying in the courtroom] Cathy Deli, who is suing Ms. Luna on behalf of her son.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: We now go to the courtroom where Gabbin Deli has taken the stand.

[Cut to the courtroom.]

Plaintiff lawyer: Good morning, Mr. Deli.

Gabbin Deli: Hello, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, your physical relationship with the defendant lasted how long?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, five glorious weeks, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Can you point out the defendant for the court.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yeah, she is right over there, looking all fine.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna. She is blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] You’re stupid.

[Cut to 5, Plaintiff lawyer and Janet Johnson-luna]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling]

She’s a monster!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s keep it cool.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: The affair began on April 15, 2014, correct?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yes, ma’am. It was the best day of my life.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did you feel pressured into being physical with Ms. Luna?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, no. I instigated it. After school, I went in and said, “What can I do for some extra credit?” And it was on.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Judge: Look at you.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli. You mother said you came home that day and felt sick.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Oh, yeah. I asked for some time in home because I was fist pumping the entire walk home from school, and my arm muscles were a little sore.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: How would you describe your mental state after the affair began?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, I’d say it felt like what Disney Land is.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] Oh, my god! So embarrassing.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, when your classmates became aware of your relationship with Ms. Luna, what happened at school?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: I just remember giving thousands of high-fives.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did the kids call you names?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, yes ma’am. The man, luckiest guy ever, my hero, baller, lil Pimp, lil baller, the one, good year pimp, Fred Pimpstone, Ran and Pimpy, king of the teachers, after school special, teacher’s petter, the boy who lived, Gabbin the great, Magic the Gabbining, Legend, super cala fragalistic this be such a dope kid, and he who had sex with teachers. I’m sorry, that’s all I can remember but those were the main ones.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Noted. Now, Mr. Deli, were you bullied as the result of the affair?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: No, I wasn’t. I would describe it as the end of the movie ‘Rudy’. I was Rudy.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Are you okay, your honor?

[Cut to Judge laughing]

Judge: Yeah, yeah. It’s just this guy. Extra credit!

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] So corny.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: [clears throat as to get attention] Mr. Deli, how did your relationship with the defendant affect your home life?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, it actually brought me closer to my dad. After he saw a picture of Ms. Luna, he took me to a Mallen’s game and bought me my first beer.

[Cut to 5 and Mr. Deli. 5 is staring at Mr. Deli angrily and Mr. Deli is just looking at Gabbin Deli.]

Mr. Deli: [nodding his head to Gabbin Deli] I love you.

[Mr. Deli is really proud]

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did Ms. Luna make arrangements to meet you after your mother filed a restraining order?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, she did say she wanted to meet that weekend but my schedule was so hectic. I had some meet and greets. And that Sunday, it was Gabbin night at the minor league hockey game. And I was asked to ride the zamboni and sing, “Hot for Teacher.”

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Yeah, I’m done!

[Cut to the courtroom]

[Plaintiff lawyer sits down]

Judge: Defense.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Defense lawyer]

Defense lawyer: You know, we’re beyond good at this point, your honor.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, may I be excused, sir?

Judge: No… not until you pound it! Ha-ha-ha.

[Judge gives Gabbin Deli a fist to pound]

Mr. Extra Credit right here. Yeah, you excused.

[Gabbin Deli climbs over the stand and goes to Janet Johnson-luna in haste]

2014 minute recess.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli]

Janet Johnson-luna: Don’t do that.

Gabbin Deli: I wasn’t gonna.

[Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli are blushing]

QVC

Temora Stans… Taraji P. Henson

Claudette Fontaine… Kate McKinnon

Blayah… Aidy Bryant

Rick Warson…. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with QVC intro]

Female voice: You’re watching QVC, which means you’re a cat who’s owner’s at work. Hi little guy!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Well, hello everyone. I’m Temora Stans and I was born right here on this very set. Now, our guest today is a legendary actress, singer and as of last Thursday, she’s a designer. Please welcome Claudette Fontaine.

[Claudette walks in]

Claudette: Oh, splash! Splash! Here I am. Thank you so much for having me. I won’t forget it. Thank you so much.

Temora: Okay. Now, you have a new item for us today. it’s called the 3-way poncho, is that right?

Claudette: Yeah, that’s correct. No woman of a certain age wants to be boxed in by a business shirts. So, I thought, you know, what’s the loosest thing you can wear? What’s perfectly elegant but also very, very loose. So, 3-way poncho.

Temora: Oh! Now, I’m just dying to see that poncho. Let’s bring out the mode.

[Blayah walks in wearing a huge red 3-way poncho.]

Claudette: Yes, lets get her out. This is Blayah. [Cut to Claudette and Blayah] Now, Blayah is wearing my 3-way ponchos in curtain red.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ah! This is just gorgeous. Can Blayah show us the 3 ways?

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yes, of course. Now, the first way is the way it is now. Isn’t she so elegant? Look at her. She’s a perfect square.

[Cut to all]

Temora: Absolutely, I love it. And now, let’s see the second way.

Claudette: Okay, here it is.

[Blayah pulls the poncho a little bit down on her left shoulder]

Temora: Wow, down on the shoulder.

Claudette: Now, could’t you just– It’s gotta sear the Oscars at the very end of an inmemoriam real.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: I could, I could. And now, let’s see the third way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yeah, the third way.

[Claudette looks around thinking]

Phew! It’s just kind of went like right out of my head! What is that pesky third way? Oh, I remember it. It’s up! [gestures Blayah to pull the poncho up on her shoulder again] Up that way. That’s the third way.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: No, no, no. I think that was the first way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Ah! You’re right, you’re right. Well, we’re gonna run through them again. We got up! And then we got off the shoulder. And that’s 3, ya?

[Cut to all]

Temora: Uh, that’s two.

Claudette: Oh, darling, darling. What the heck is that third way?

Temora: Blayah, why don’t you try to figure it out while we take a call? Viewer, you’re on with Claudette .

Caller: Hi, Claudette, my name is Rachel.

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Oh, hello Emily.

Caller: No, it’s Rachel.

Claudette: Oh, I love ya’, Emily. And I won’t ever forget you. I won’t!

Caller: Okay. Um, I’m calling because I ordered a 3-way poncho and it was shipped to me without a box. It was just left on my lawn in a little bowl.

Claudette: Oh, I’m so glad you got it. Bye bye, Emily.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Alright, and it looks like Blayah has figured out the third way to wear the poncho.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah. Blayah is covering her face with the front part of the poncho.]

Claudette: Blayah, honey, that can’t be it, coz how are you gonna see or eat?

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Is the third way… Well, if she puts her legs through the arm holes, so it will be up side down like a pant.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: That’s it. That’s the third way. Yes! [Blayah is opening the poncho.] Oh, wait, because then her crutor could be poken up through the net.

Temora: Oh, no, no.

Claudette: No, I’m not pervert. What is that ding-ding third way?

Temora: Okay, let’s take another call. Viewer, you’re on with Claudette Fontaine/

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Hi Claudette, my name is Amy.

Claudette: Hi, Lisa. Lisa, you’re shooting star. Kill anyone for you.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Now, how do you like your 3 way poncho?

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Well, I also had a problem with shipping. I did receive a box, but there was no poncho inside. Just a small dog.

Claudette: Oh, that’s my dog Kiko. I was wondering where she went. Keep her. Oh, bye-bye, Michelle. Thank you so much.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Now, Claudette, you have also designed a fabulous necklace. [Cut to all] Why don’t you tell us about that?

Claudette: Of course, I will. Yes. I will tell the 10-way necklace.

[Cut to Blayah. She is wearing a necklace.]

Now, this is a gorgeous sapphire pendant. [Claudette is touching Blayah’s neck and face very hardly.] And the first way is, you hang it like this. You hand it and it’s a necklace.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Just so beautiful. And what’s the second way?

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Dang it! What is that second way? Oh, never mind. It’s just a necklace. Woo!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Okay. Well, that’s all the time we have with Claudette Fontaine. Next we have Rick Warson. He’s 75 years old and he’s the inventor of the world’s cheapest ladder.

[Cut to Rick with his ladder behind him]

He’s gonna climb it live when we come back right after this. Only on QVC.

Claudette: Bye guys.

[End]

 

Hollywood Game Night

Jane Lynch… Kate McKinnon

Kelly… Venessa Bayer

Vin Diesel… Taran Killam

Wynonna Judd… Aidy Bryant

Common … Jay Pharoah

Eddie… Kyle Mooney

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Wanda Sykes… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[Cut to the game stage]

Jane Lynch: Yes! Yes! You’re watching Hollywood Game Night. I am Jane Lynch. Men’s warehouse was right. I do like the way I look. Here’s how the show works. We pair two regular people with celebrities and they play series of dumb games for a chance to win $25,000. Let’s meet the team from Tulsa, it’s Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly]

Kelly: Woo! Let’s do this, Jane!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Settle! Playing for Kelly from Furious 7, we got Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: No. I’m Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yikes! Yikes! Country music legend, Wynonna Judd.

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Oh, am I on TV? Well, let me brush my hair so I look good for mama. Oh, not to brag, but this is the same brush they use on horses.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And finally we got Oscar winning musician, Common.

[Cut to Common]

Common: I play tonight on behalf of every black man who was ever struggle. Look how far we’ve come, brothers. Here I am, on top of the mountain.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Whoof! Keep climbing. Alright, we’re gonna meet our other team, it’s Eddie.

[Cut to Eddie]

Eddie: Hey, Jane. I’m psyched to be here.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And I am psyched to be done with Glee. Yes! Playing for Eddie from Parks and Recreation, it’s Nick Offerman and his mustache.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: What? It’s back? I shaved it 10 minutes ago.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: French actress and Oscar winner, the beautiful Marion Cotillard.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: Oh, Jane, that’s so nice of you. In France, I am considered 7, but here in America I am… um, you see… 300!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yeah. And finally stand up comedy legend, we got Wanda Sykes.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: That’s right. I am a legend. The hell am I doing here?

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Alright, let’s get into our first game. It’s called Hollywoof. We’ll take a movie poster, replace the actors with dogs and you guess the film. That’s a real game that will be played by the millionaires. Let’s see the clue, time starts now.

[A poster of Titanc appears on the game screen, but the actors are replaced by the dogs.]

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: I got this! Dog Boat!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Jane, I know the answer and I’d like to give it in the form of a 7 minute song about the lord. [singng] He left me up…

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Common. Do you know the movie?

[Cut to Common]

Common: Selma.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Unrecognized once again! Why not Selma? That is the question we have been asking ourselves! But we must be brave this day. Glory!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: My god! It’s Titanic! Oh! Eddie’s team, the next game is called Namous Fames. We jumbled the letters of celebrities’ names and you guess who it is. It’s created by the adults who were fed up of their work. Here’s the clue, time starts now.

[The screen shows “Brad Ttip” on the screen.]

Nick Offerman, you’re up!

[Cut to Nick Offerman. He has more mustache now.]

What the hell?

Nick Offerman: Jane, it appears my mustache is still growing. It cannot be stopped. And Jane, it’s angry.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: I do not know the answer, but we simply must win because if we lose I will cry, and when I cry, I cry in French like this.

[The video turns black and white and has old movie effect]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Wanda, you’re a smart woman. Tell me who this is.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: This is so easy. You got an A, B, R and A. Couple of Ts, so it’s obvious who that is. it’s Raba TT.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Who is Raba TT?

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: I don’t know. You wrote the clue! Tall ass white lady asking me who Raba TT is.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: The answer is Brad freaking Pitt. Okay, since no one’s done anything right, it’s time for the tie breaker. Each team picks a celebrity to represent them. Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly and Vin Diesel]

Kelly: I’ll go with Vin Diesel because he’s breathing so hard. I think he needs to get up and move around.

[Cut to Eddie’s team]

Eddie: I’m gonna pick Wanda Sykes.

Wanda Sykes: Yeah, of course you do. Looking at this sad ass couch, I would have picked me too.

[Cut to everybody. Vin Diesel and Wanda Sykes walk to Jane Lynch.]

Jane Lynch: Alright, here’s the game. I’m gonna give you the beginning of a movie quote, you finish it. Oh, Vin baby, you’re first. Let’s do this. Luke, I am your…

Vin Diesel: Worst nightmare!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Okay. Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Finish the line. I feel the need, the need…

Wanda Sykes: To leave. I don’t like the way this man is looking at me. He looks like a big toe on a t-shirt. All these people be crazy… which is inside of my new stand up special coming soon to HBO, yeah baby!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Alright. Enough! Enough! This has been Hollywood Game Night. I’m Jane Lynch and I’m getting out of here right this second. Boom!

[End]

Hillary Clinton Election Video Cold Open

Christina… Venessa Bayer

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with The Clinton Residence, Chappaqua, New York.]

Christina: Okay, tomorrow’s the big day, Mrs. Clinton.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton in the Clinton Residence.]

[cheers and applause]

You’re finally going to announce that you’re running for president.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, my gosh! I don’t know if I have it in me. I’m scared. I’m kidding. Let’s do this. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Christina: [laughing] Oh, Hillary, you put the hill in hilarious. [Cut to Christina] Now, since we’re announcing your candidacy via social media, we thought it would be fun if you’d actually film the video yourself, on your own phone. [Christina pulls out an old generation mobile phone] That way it seems more personal and intimate.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Personal and intimate, yes. I better take off this jacket then.

[Hillary Clinton opens her coat.]

Christina: That’s much better. Now, I want you to do some vocal warm ups and then we’ll get started.

[Hillary Clinton is taking deep breaths.]

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Love to.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

[clears throat]

Hillary’s a granny with a twinkle in her eye.

Hillary’s a granny and she makes an apple pie.

First female president. First female president. Me, me, me, me, me, me.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Christina: Graet, Mrs. Clinton. Okay, now hold up your phone. And you can just look natural.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

[Cut to Hillary’s selfie video. She is making aggressive teeth face.]

Christina: Maybe, you wanna soften a little.

[Hillary Clinton closes her mouth a little]

Okay, a little more.

[Now, Hillary Clinton is just smiling]

Okay, maybe a lot more.

[Hillary Clinton is pouting]

Great, and action!

Hillary Clinton: [aggressive again] Citizens, you will elect me. I will be your leader.

Christina: Okay, great. [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] Let’s stop there.

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Okay.

Christina: Ma’am. I think you may be coming off. It’s just a little hard.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, shoot! What part?

Christina: Sort of, all of it. But that’s okay. Let’s try again. And remember, you said this new campaign is not about you, it’s about the people. So, let’s try one where you don’t say I or even your own name.

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Oh, that will be easy. Got it.

[Cut to selfie video of Hillary Clinton]

Hello, it is I, Hillary Clinton.

Christina: Let’s stop again.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

You said ‘I’ and you full name immediately.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, oh shit! I did!

Christina: Yes, but don’t worry. We’ll just delete that one up your phone.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Know a thing or two about that, right?

[Christina and Hillary Clinton laugh]

Oh, Christina, meet my hand in the air.

[Hillary Clinton gives her hand for a high-five.]

Christina: Okay.

[They high-five]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you so much. Yes. Good, good.

Christina: Okay, let’s keep going. This time, maybe focus in all that you’ve done for women’s rights.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, okay. That’s good.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]
Hillary Clinton: I am running because I want to be a voice for women everywhere.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Did someone say women everywhere?

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, Bill. Hello, Bill. Ha-ha-ha.

Bill Clinton: Hillary would make a great President. And I would make an ever greater First Dude.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you Bill. It’s nice.

Bill Clinton: Hillary, isn’t it crazy that phones can take videos now?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bill Clinton: I mean, if they could have done that in the 90s, I’d be in jail.

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Great Bill. I love jokes about that.

[Hillary Clinton pushes Bill Clinton away]

Bill Clinton: Okay. I get it. This election is about you. I don’t want to hold your limelight. I am leaving. Look at me go. Bye, I’m gone.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Hillary Clinton: Aren’t we such a fun approachable dynasty?

Christina: Alright, um… [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] you know what? Let’s refocus on your candidacy. And remember, the new Hillary is humble and gracious.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, got it.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]

I know this election season won’t be easy. I’m sure I will face some stiff competition from my fellow democrats. People like Martin O’Malley who could really give me a run [starts laughing] I’m sorry I broke. It’s too funny. Martin O’Malley instead of me. He sounds like a Simpsons character. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Okay. Let me keep going. At the end of the day, America, you deserve a leader who cares about you. And that is why I would make a great president.

[Bill Clinton walks in again]

Bill Clinton: And surprise, I will be her VP. And if anything happens to her… god forbid, I will happily be president of the United States again. It will be Bill Clinton II, bigger and blacker.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, buddy! Bill, Bill!

Bill Clinton: Alright, okay.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Hillary Clinton: He’s joking, America. My vice president of course will be me.

Christina: Okay. [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] Ma’am! Once again, you can’t be your own vice president.

Hillary Clinton: We will see about that.

Christina: Well, let’s just jump to the end of the speech, okay?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]

Hillary Clinton: In closing, I am so excited for the next chapter in American history. And I promise that with Hillary Clinton in charge, it will be a brand new White House.

[Bill Clinton walks in again, this time playing a sax.]

Oh, who am I kidding? Buckle up America, coz the Clintons are back! And live from New York

Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton: It’s Saturday Night!

Cinema Classics Their Own League

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Coach… Taran Killam

Katty… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Taraji P. Henson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese D’What? The Natural, Field of Dreams, movie celebrating America’s past time have inspired and entertained audiences for decades. Sadly tonight’s film entitled, “Their Own League” is a forgotten example of the genre. Why is it forgotten? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m not a good guesser. Ask my wife. She recently asked me to guess what she was going to do to me in bed. And I said, “I don’t know. Let me be.” Let us take a look at a scene from “Their Own League”.

[Cut to a scene from the movie]

[Cut to a coach yelling at his players. The players are females.]

Coach: You dang girls. How am I supposed to coach this team with nothing but a bunch of dang girls.

[Katty stands before Coach and wipes her tears]

Are you sobbing? There is no sobbing in baseball! This is pathetic. I’m gonna go drink Coca-cola that still has cocaine in it.

[Coach leaves. Cecily walks to Katty]

Cecily: Hey, don’t let him get you down, Katty. He’s just a big old bully.

Katty: Maybe he’s right. Maybe girls shouldn’t play baseball.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Of course he’s not right.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Yeah, we should be aloud.

Aidy: Yeah, we can play this game as well as any man.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: You mean it?

Cecily: I sure do! Now say it! Women can play baseball.

Katty: Women can play baseball.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Women can play baseball.

Aidy: Women can play baseball.

[Taraji walks in. She is wearing very lady-like dress and a hat.]

Taraji: So, can I play baseball?

[Everyone looks at her not wanting to answer the question]

[Cut to Taraji]

What? What is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: It’s just–

Kate: We kind of already have the woman thing. You know? Don’t really want to complicate it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Oh, I get it. It’s coz I’m black.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, no. It’s not that.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Then what is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, it’s that.

Katty: People are actually pretty ticked that we are doing it. Imagine if… you know it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Darling, face it. It’s coz you’re not a classic beauty like the rest of us.

Aidy: No, no.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: That’s not it.

Kate: Look, we’re gonna pave the way for black women in professional baseball. But it’s gonna take time.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. Come on, you know the plan. Like, first white women are allowed to play baseball. Then black men are allowed to play. Then all women are allowed to play under hand with a big softball like a child.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy and Taraji]

Bobby: Yeah. That’s a good plan.

[Leslie walks in. She is tall and looks more athletic.]

Leslie: What about me? Can I play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Oh, this blows coz we can really use her in our team.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy, Taraji and Leslie]

Aidy: Yeah, forget about the team. We could use her in the war.

Bobby: Yeah, send her overseas to kill some crouts.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie]

Leslie: So, You saying I could play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: Okay, okay. Here’s the thing. While our husbands are away, we are the racists.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie

Taraji: Look, ladies. Whether you like it or not, black, white, we are all women. And we’re all in this together.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: hey, maybe she’s right, girls. Maybe they should be allowed to play.

[Cut to everybody]

Taraji: Really?

Cecily: Yeah!

Girls: Yeah!

[Coach walks in]

Coach: Alright! Listen up. I got some good news. The war’s over. The men are coming home, so get off the dang field and never come back!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Sadly, Their Own League never made it to theaters as it was sued for copyright infringement by the makers of ‘A League Of Their Own’, which came out two years earlier. Youch! For Cinema Classics, I have been Reese D’What?

[The end]

Smart Home

Cecily Strong

Michael Keaton

Venessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a husband and wife in their house.]

Cecily: Oh, honey. I’m beginning to think our new neighbors aren’t gonna show up at our get together today.

Michael: Well, that’s surprising. You don’t think they want to get to know us?

Cecily: Well, let me just check outside the door, just in case.

[Cecily opens the door. There are few people outside the door.]

Oh, well. Honey, look. They’re all standing right out here. Now, were you all afraid to knock?

Venessa: Hi there, we’ve been ringing the bell.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Oh! That’s right. Our doorbell is currently disabled. And we’re in the process of turning our house into a smart-house.

[Cut to Cecily and the others]

Cecily: That’s right. Come on in. Welcome.

[The neighbors walk in]

Kate: Well, a smart-house? You know, that sounds so neat. What’s that intel?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: My husband is a professor. He’s great at science. Can I show them the toaster prototype?

Michael: Well, sure, sweetie. You got it going like this.

[Cecily brings in a red toaster. It looks really nice.]

Okay, now. This is a smart-toaster

[Cut to the neighbors.]

Beck: It don’t look any different from a regular toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Good eye. Great observation. He hasn’t added science to it yet.

Michael: Yeah, but once I do, it will be able to roll out to meet me wherever I am. And then it’ll use it’s rockets to shoot up and hover at eye level, to receive the toast.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kyle: Oh, okay. A floating toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Absolutely. And that’s not all. It will use percent to tell us how toasted your toast is. Like, it will say, “Mrs. Croford, your toast is 84% toasted.” And it will have human eyes to stare at you while it says that. Honey, turn it around so that they can see the eyes.

Michael: Sure.

[Michael turns the toaster around. It has two eyeballs.]

Now, there are just placed here until I’m able to connect the human eyes to it.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Oh, how nice.

Venessa: Oh, well, isn’t that something.

Kate: We should probably be going. We left our baby in a tub.

Kyle: That’s right. Um, we were giving our baby a bath.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, hang on. Just first listen to this other thing. [Cut to everyone] This is gonna be our smart couch.

Michael: Yeah, once I have it scienced to it, of course.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Oh, honey. They know that. Now, the idea here is that the smart couch will recognize you from your sitting on it.

Michael: Yeah. Now, how much do you think that’ll work? You, answer.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Um, I guess the couch recognizes your weight or something.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Ah! Wrong guess.

Cecily: Yes, exactly. Wrong guess. Every time you sit down, a small tube will go up into your back side to get to know you.

Michael: Yeah. All of our back side interiors are unique. Like, a thumbprint, or a snowflake.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: I don’t think I would like that.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: You’re telling me you wouldn’t like a couch that called you by your name?

Michael: I bet they’re worried about that tube that goes up inside.

Cecily: Oh, yeah. We’ve heard that before.

Michael: Yeah, tube isn’t that big. You shouldn’t notice it.

Cecily: No, it’s like a sports bottle straw, if you’re familiar.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: That still seems pretty intrusive.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Because it will have eyes on it, so it can see where it’s going.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: So, do you have to sit on the couch naked?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: [laughing] My word, no. Can you imagine? The tube is sharp enough so that it will go straight through your pants.

Michael: And as it comes back out, it secretes a small amount of pants glue to seal up the hole it made. Would you like for us to pretend to do it?

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: Pretend to do what?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, sit on the couch and have the tube recognize us, of course.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: No. I think we–

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Now, remember, I haven’t put any science on it yet. So, this is all still pretending.

[Cecily starts acting]

Cecily: Oh boy, have I had the day! I’m gonna sit on this couch and relax.

[Cecily sits on the couch]

Michael: Uh-huh! At this point a tube will come up.

[Michael pulls up a rod through the couch. It has eyes stuck to it as well.]

It will push in like this. Now, imagine, my wife sitting on this tube. It will look around, you know, to recognize it from the inside.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Oh, sweet reesy peesy.

Venessa: That’s bigger than a sports drink straw.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: [pretending to be the smart couch] Well, hello there Mrs. Croford. I recognize you from your inside.

Cecily: Oh! Isn’t that nice. I don’t feel a thing.

Michael: Well, that’s coz my tube has human eyes and it knows right where to go.

Cecily: Hey, my pants are gonna be all cut up from you, will they?

Michael: Definitely not. Just provide me 25 minutes to heat up my pants glue. Would you like me to begin that process now?

Cecily: Sure, I’ll sit here very still for 20 minutes while you heat that glue.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Now, we really do need to go. All of us at once.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael: Alright, alright! But hey, before you go, would you mind signing these non-disclosure agreement?

Cecily: You understand. It’s all patent pending.

Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: This says we agree to kill ourselves together.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Oh, man! Smart printer printed them wrong form.

Cecily: Alright. Well, just a second, guys. Let me get the printer tube.

[Cecily pulls out a large pipe with eyes]

Now, you won’t feel this. Who wants to go first?

Prom Queen

Norman Ostroburg… Michael Keaton

Pete Davidson

Eddie… Mike O’Brien

Kate McKinnon

Venessa Bayer

Rich… Bobby Moyninah

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a teacher teaching students in a classroom]

Norman: So, goal here would be to make the imaginary numbers less intimidating. Let’s move on to–

[Cut to Pete and Eddie]

Pete: Hey, man! You’re going to prom?

Eddie: Of course. Looking to win my 6th consecutive Prom King.

Pete: Dude, you gotta graduate.

Eddie: Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna be Prom King and whoever I choose to take is gonna be Prom Queen.

Pete: So, you think you could anyone to prom and they’ll be queen? Just because they went with you?

Eddie: Basically.

Pete: Yeah, I don’t know.

Eddie: 200 bucks. Name anyone in the school.

Pete: Anyone?

Eddie: Anyone.

[Cut to Kate playing with her pencil in her mouth. Pete and Eddie are behind her.]

Pete: Um, that girl. [pointing at Kate]

Eddie: What Mr. Ostroburg?

Pete: [looking funny] Yes!

Eddie: It’s too hard, man! The guy’s a dork.

Pete: If you don’t think you can do it, pay up now.

[bell rings]

[Cut to Norman reading his notes. The students are leaving. Eddie approaches Norman]

Eddie: Mr. Ostroburg?

Norman: Ya.

Eddie: Holy crap, some of the stuff you were saying today, it’s real as hell.

Norman: Please, Eddie, don’t cay crap nor hell, alright?

Eddie: Alright. Um, I didn’t really get some of the stuff about imaginary numbers.

Norman: Well, if you’re free during 7th grade, we could go over then.

Eddie: Not. I could come over house after school.

Norman: Ah, well, sure. I suppose that’ll be alright.

Eddie: Right? Great! Alright.

[Kate is looking at Norman]

Kate: My next class is in here.

Norman: Okay.

[Cut to Norman and Eddie in Norman’s house.]

Norman: Here you go.

Eddie: That’s B. I think I’m starting to actually get a little bit of this stuff.

Norman: Oh! You’re a smart kid, Ed.

Eddie: I’ve got a great teacher.

Norman: Thank you. Alright, let’s get back.

[Cut to Venessa walking in with a wine glass.]

Venessa: Well, it’s 7:Eddie0. So, I’m gonna turn in. Don’t stay up too late.

[Cut to Norman and Eddie]

Norman: Yeah, got it. Goodnight.

[Cut to Venessa. She just walks looking at them.]

[Cut to Norman and Eddie]

Eddie: Um, can I try something?

Norman: Sure.

[Eddie takes Norman’s glasses off. Eddie looks at him nicely then puts the glasses back on him.]

Eddie: I just kind of thought that’d be something different. Um, are you going to prom?

Norman: Yeah, for Shepra.

Eddie: Oh, I was wondering if you’d want to go with me instead.

Norman: Oh. Yeah, sure.

Eddie: Yeah?

Norman: Yeah.

Eddie: Great. That’s awesome.

Norman: Okay. Great.

[Eddie leaves]

Eddie: I’ll pick you up at 6.

[Cut to the teachers in the staff room.

Aidy: Rich, that’s crazy. You have all the hot gossip.

Rich: Please, that is nothing. You wanna hear something real juicy?

Aidy: Yes!

Sasheer: Dish it!

Rich: Eddie Galavan is taking a loser to prom and he $200 that he could make him Prom Queen.

[Norman overhears their conversation and is shocked.]

Sasheer: Eddie’s gonna turn some loser into Prom Queen?

Rich: I mean, he’s gonna try.

Sasheer: I cannot wait to see this.

[Norman storms out of the staff room]

Aidy: What a loser!

[Cut to Norman and Venessa in their house.]

Venessa: Norman. It’s 7:30. Doesn’t the prom start at 7?

Norman: Yeah. Um, moving along with the weather, so I got Ted to shop around.

Venessa: Oh, well. I’m gonna to my Vicks vapor rub and go to bed.

[Venessa leaves]

[door bell ringing]

[Norman opens the door. It’s Eddie soaking wet in the rain.]

Eddie: Hey!

Norman: What do you want?

Eddie: Listen, hear me out. There was a bet, okay? It was a stupid, stupid bet. And I don’t even care about the money or any of that. Coz I accidentally… I accidentally fell in love.

Norman: Stay right here.

[Norman goes in and comes back dressed up for prom.]

[Cut to Norman getting back home with his Prom Queen crown]

[Cut to Eddie waving his hand bye to Norman]

[Eddie leaves]

Neurotology Music Video

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Taran Killm

Colin Jost

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a message video]

Written: In Kate990, the Church of Neurotology  made the following music video. It has been updated based on new information about the church.

[Cut to the music video]

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] Reach out your hand and follow
I have a code, code to the key
the key to the secret, the secret of space
it’s Neurotology

Aidy: Religion and science intertwined
aliens live inside of your minds
a billion year contract we have signed
it all makes sense to me

Everybody: We’ll always believe this
we are invested, invested to death

[Subtitle says Aidy left Neurotology in 2004]

[Subtitle says Kate left Neurotology in twothousandseven]

[Subtitle says Kyle has become outspoken critic of Neurotology]

[Subtitle says 4 is the author of ‘Brainwashed: My hellish years in Neurotology.]

[But they all are singing happily in the video]

We’re in this forever
never to leave until our last breath.
We are here, our path is real we are finally free
with Neurotology

Kate: Our gorgeous religion old and true,
started in 1982
I found it brings us endless life
coz he can never die

Aidy: Our brain machines can fix our minds
our brain machines can save man kind
each brain machine cost 20 grand
and that is fair and fine.

[Subtitle shows that the woman at left of Aidy is not allowed to see her family and the woman at her right was thrown off the boat.]

Everybody: We, we are the children
the children of Meepthorp,
the science is there

[Subtitle says a woman singing makes ten cents an hour as Neurotology janitor.]

[Subtitle says Colin blackmails gay actors.]

[Subtitle says Kenan left after googling ‘Neurotology’.]

[But they all are singing happily in the video]

We, we are a family, joined by the knowledge
the knowledge we share
We are life, we are life
We are proud to be a Neurotology
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe

[Subtitle says Taran  is a senior official of Neurotology, he has beat up everyone in this video, once drop-kicked a woman like a football]

[Subtitle says many people who are singing are missing.]

We are all, we are one, we will always be
Neurotology

 

Easter Hotline

Sasheer Zamata

Grandmother… Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones

Matthew… Kyle Mooney

David, Thomas… Taran Killam

Grandfather… Michael Keaton

[Starts with Sasheer talking]

Sasheer: It’s been a long lonely winter and you’re dying to connect with someone new. Well, we know the perfect woman ready to take you call. she can’t wait to talk. So this Easter, why not try calling?

[Cut to Grandmother]

Your grandmother. Your grandmother is standing by ready to talk all day long.

[phone ringing]

[Grandmother picks up the phone]

Grandmother: Hello.

[Cut to split screen of Matthew and Grandmother]

Matthew: Nana, it’s Matthew.

Grandmother: Who is this?

Matthew: It’s Matthew.

Grandmother: What is this for?

Matthew: For talking. It’s your grandson.

Grandmother: I can’t talk. I’m waiting for my grandson to call. Bye-bye.

[Grandmother hangs up the phone.]

Matthew: What?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh, yeah. YOu didn’t know what was happening. So, call your grandmother today.

[Cut to another grandmother] Because she woke up at four:thirty to go to the pharmacy, and she is totally free. For you.

[phone ringing]

[Grandma picks up the phone]

[Cut to split screen of Grandma and David]

Grandma: Hello?

David: Hi, grandma.

Grandma: Oh, David, hi. David, did you get the birthday package I sent you?

David: Um, no I did not.

Grandma: Oh, shoot. I sent it to fortysix Aderson Drive, East Rutherford, New Jersey.

David: Well, that’s not my address grandma. I don’t know whose address that is.

Grandma: Okay. Well, they might be spoiled by the time they get to you. It’s fifty pears.

David: Why?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Um! That’s a lot of pears. So call your grandma tonight. It couldn’t be easier. Watch. [Sasheer dials a number]

[Cut to split screen of Sasheer and her grandmother.]

Hi grandma.

Sasheer’s grandma: Hello?

Sasheer: Hello.

Sasheer’s grandma: Do those jeans fit you baby? If they don’t fit you, you know you can ship them back to me and I could take them back.

Sasheer: They fit fine.

Sasheer’s grandma: I mean, I could go right back to KMart and get another pair if they dont–

Sasheer: They fit fine grandma. Thank you.

[Sasheer hangs up the phone.]

They don’t fit. In fact, look how bad they are.

[Cut to full body of Sasheer. The jeans have Micky and Minnie mouse printed on it.]

So call your grandmother and if you’re feeling really adventurous, why not talk to your grandfather? He is outside but he will come in just for you.

[Cut to Thomas talking to Grandpa on the phone]

Grandpa: Ay, there he is.

Thomas: Hi, Grams.

Grandpa: Hey, how’s your best friend Thomas?

Thomas: Um, he was my best friend in kindergarten grandpa.

Grandpa: I love him, Thomas. I love that kid. Does he still like trees?

Thomas: I don’t know, grandpa.

Grandpa: Ay, remember that time I walked in you two and you both had your penises out?

Thomas: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: And why not spice things up by talking at the exact same time with him for the entire rest of the phone call?

[Cut to David talking to Grandpa on the phone]

David: So, how are–

Grandpa: So, what’s new?

David: Yeah. nothing–

Grandpa: I’m fine, you?

David: I’m good grandpa. I’m jus–

Grandpa: I’m fine, how are you?

David: How’s the house–

Grandpa: Ay, did you hear about David?

David: I’m David!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: What a mess! So, this Easter, call your grandmother and your grandfather

[Cut to Grandma and Grandpa talking to David]

Grandpa: Tell David I got that shower radio.

Grandma: Your grandpa like, got a shower radio.

David: Oh, cool.

Grandpa: What did he say?

Grandma: He said that’s cool. Oh, my god. The geese are back. Hold on.

[Grandma passes the phone to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Hey, oh god. David, we gotta deal with the geese. Hold on.

[David leaves the phone hanging]

Grandma: Come on here!

Grandpa: I am here. Get off the rod.

Grandma: Go!

Grandpa: Why did these geese love these house?

David: Hello?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: So, take a deep breath and call your grandparents today. You know the number, because it hasn’t changed your entire life.

[cheers and applause]

Easter Candy

Michael Keaton

Portia… Kate McKinnon

Jordan… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with an Easter basket and a rabbit]

[Cut to Michael inside a house]

Michael: Oh, hi. [Michael pulls out an Easter basket] Well, it’s that time again, everybody. It’s Easter. Let’s see what’s in our Easter basket. Hmm… This… this is an Easter egg guys. I think it’s eggs. This… [Michael gets a stuffed rabbit] this is a blush bunny rabbit. I call him Glenny, after Glenn Close. Yesterday was good Friday. But this… [Michael shows a DVD of the TV show ‘Friday’] this is the best Friday. [Michael looks away] Hey, Portia, how’s it going over there?

[Cut to Michael and Portia. Portia is wearing bunny ears on her.]

Portia: Good.

Michael: What… what are you doing?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: I’m hiding eggs. [Portia takes an egg from the bucket and hits it on the wall.]

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: [giggling] How cute is she? The answer is, “Kind of.” And for our Jewish friends, [Michael gets a bread] this is unleavened bread. Which means, unlike Jesus, it doesn’t rise. Jesus one, bread nothing. [Michael throws away the bread.]

Oh, look here. [Michael gets the chocolate egg] This is a Cadbury egg. I gave these up for Lance last year. You know what they gave up this year? Cocaine… Almost.

Hey, Portia, what have you got over there?

[Cut to Portia holding a chick]

Portia: A child chicken.

[Cut to Michael and Portia]

Michael: Where did you find it?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: Hmm, he found me. Online.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Yikes! In here, oh yeah, this. [Michael gets a marshmallow]  Here’s marshmallow peep. I coughed this out whole this morning.

[looks nicely at the camera]

Something’s wrong with me. And these… [Michael gets the Jordan almonds] these are Jordan almonds. And, this is my friend Jordan.

[Jordan walks in]

He’s not an almond but he’s a nut. Show em’

[Jordan makes weird noises and leaves]

Yeah, told ya’! Hey, Portia, what’s your chic doing?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: Um, I think he’s hungry. Eat your own nugget.

[Portia gives chicken nugget to a chic ]

[audience screaming ‘Aw!’]

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Wow. This kid has all the warning signs.

[Michael gets a small Santa]

Oh, look at this. Look at this. Santa. What’s this little turkey doing in here? Ha-ha-ha. We got work for you. Attention whore!

[Michael gets a stuffed monkey]

This is an Easter monkey. They say we descended from this. Yeah right! [Michael throws the stuffed monkey away]

And this is a chocolate bunny. [Michael gets the chocolate bunny] It’s actually hollow. Some people like the solid ones, but then, how are you gonna get your wiener in there?

Oh, boy. Look at this. [someone gives Michael a cocktail] Egg salad cosmo. Yeah! Don’t mind if I do.

Happy Easter everybody. [Portia walks behind Michael] Happy Easter Portia.

Portia: Happy Easter Michael Keaton.

[Jordan comes in and makes weird sound again]