Tag: Kate McKinnon

Summertime Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with two couples enjoying a picnic]

Kenan: Oh, gosh! What a perfect day for a picnic. It’s so nice out there.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I’m just so glad it’s finally that time of year again. You know what I mean.

Bobby: I sure do.

[music playing]

[Cut to Cecily and Bobby]

Cecily: [singing] There’s a breeze in the trees and the suns on my knees that can only mean one little thing

Cecily and Bobby: It’s summer
I can’t believe it’s finally summer
no worries or cares
just fun everywhere
it’s summer, summer time

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer
I’m so happy that it’s summer
no more days spending tired
it’s time to unwind
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton walks in and sits on the table]

Hillary Clinton: Hi. How are you?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

May I have just a moment of your summer? Hello. I’m Hillary Clinton. I’m running for president of this United States.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Yeah, but that’s not for a long time. Now it’s summer vacation.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! My last vacation was in 1953. I played one round of hopscotch with a friend. I found it tedious. I mean, why hop when you can march… straight to the White House?

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Well, this summer, I’m going to a water park.

Leslie: And I’m going to Spain.

Hillary Clinton: Well, that’s fun. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] And I’m going to fertilize a plant to talk of immigrants about the dream act.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to three three surfers with their surfing boards.]

Kyle: Dudes! The ocean looks so perfect.

Jay: Yeah, the waves are totally righteous.

Beck: They sure are. And you know why?

[music playing]

Surfers: [singing] It’s summer
the ocean’s perfect in summer
and this season’s my fav
let’s go catch some waves
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton comes in dancing]

Hillary Clinton: Ay, there, 18 to 25 year olds. How does it all hang?

Jay: What?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton posing in front of Kyle’s board]

Hillary Clinton: God, I love summer. You know, fun fact about summer. You know Bernie Sanders? This is his 73rd one! [laughing by herself] I guess the old age thing is his narrative now. Will you summer kids help me spread that?

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Um, we were about to hit the waves.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: That’s cool. You know what else is cool? In two years, I’ll be 69. [Cut to everybody] Do you like that? Bill told me to tell that to young males.

Kyle: Cool! We gotta go. I can hear the ocean calling.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: And I can hear the screams of a dying middle class.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time

[Cut to Venessa and Taran cycling on the beach]

Venessa: Honey, I think this is the best day I’ve ever had.

Taran: I never wanted to end, summer I mean.

[music playing]

Venessa and Taran: [singing] It’s summer.
Hey, it’s finally summer
we’ve nothing to do
it’s just me and you

[Hillary Clinton starts running by their cycle]

It’s summer–

Hillary Clinton: Hi. Hillary Clinton. Hello. I love that tandem bike. If you elect me, I promise to work in tandem with congress.

Venessa: So, you’re running on the beach in a wall suit jacket. Aren’t you hot?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, I’m hot… for America. And I will run until I meet every voter alive. And then this November, I shall collect my reward.

Taran: Well, the election’s next November. So, you still have another summer of this.

[Hillary Clinton starts running faster than the cycle towards the camera]

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Venessa and Taran: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to Aidy and Pete building sand castle]

Aidy: We’re gonna build the coolest biggest sand castle ever!

Pete: It’s gonna have a moat and everything.

[music playing]

Aidy and Pete: It’s summer
we’re so glad it’s finally summer
no homework or school
no teachers or rules

[Hillary Clinton walks n]

it’s summer, summer time!

Hillary Clinton: I love your sand castle.

Aidy: Thanks. It’s our dream house.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, neat! This is my dream house.

[Hillary Clinton shows a White House made out of sand.]

Right here. Look at that. Isn’t it fun? Why don’t you tell your parents to vote for me? Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Oh, they don’t like you.

[cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: What? Why not?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: I don’t know. They just don’t.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, what can I do moving forward to earn their vote?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Um, I think nothing coz they said they don’t like you, and they just never will.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] What a fun thing to hear for almost 20 years.

[Hillary Clinton destroys Aidy and Pete’s sand castle.]

[music playing]

Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete: It’s summer, summer time.

[Cut to Sasheer with her friends putting on some sunscreen lotion.]

Sasheer: Wow, the sun is bright today girls. Better lotion up. I’ve got my arms but can someone help me reach my back?

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: I can do that.

[cheers and applause]

Sasheer: Wow, thanks Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: God, I love summer.

[music playing]

Sasheer and Bill Clinton: It’s summer
god I freaking love the summer

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no!

[Hillary Clinton pulls Bill Clinton away]

Bill Clinton: I’m sorry.

Hillary Clinton: Billary Rodham Clinton, what are you doing?

Bill Clinton: [speaking to Sasheer] It’s my mom! Sorry!

[Sasheer leaves]

Hillary Clinton: We’re supposed to be campaigning, Bill.

Bill Clinton: Come on, Hillary. I mean, don’t you ever just wanna have one chill peaceful day?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, of course I do. I have the perfect peaceful day planned. On the final day of my eight years as president, my soul will leave my body, shoot into the sky and become an eternal ball of bright white light. Then, and only then, shall I know peace.

Bill Clinton: Holy mother of Chelsea, ha-ha-ha.

[music playing]

[everybody walks in]

Everybody: It’s summer
everyone, enjoy your summer
sand under our feet
non-stop meet and greet
it’s summer, summer time!
it’s summer, summer time!
And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Forgotten TV Gems Whoops! I Married a Lesbian

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Shae… Kate McKinnon

Tom… Louis C.K.

Mag… Aidy Bryant

Frank.. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Forgotten TV Gems intro]

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good afternoon and welcome to Forgotten TV Gems. I am Reese De’What. Today we look back at a ground breaking sitcom from the 1950s that attempted and failed to tackle the sensitive subject matter of homosexuality. Why did it fail? I do not know. That is not why I am here. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. The other day, she asked me to guess what she had done different. And I said, “I don’t know. Took a bath?” Worst date night ever!

Now, let’s watch a scene from what we’ve been talking about. Please enjoy, ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to the movie scene. Shae is cleaning the hall and Tom walks in.]

Tom: Honey, I’m home. What a day. Mr. Parker said I sold the most of anyone.

Shae: Oh, that’s nice dear.

[Tom tries to kiss Shae but Shae walks away without kissing]

Tom: Shae, I didn’t get my kiss.

[They sit on sofa]

Shae: That’s right, Tom. And you’re not getting it from here on out.

Tom: What re you up to?

Shae: I’m a lesbian now. Mag and I have decided. We’re both lesbians.

Tom: Oh, no, you don’t. I won’t have it. You wouldn’t even know how to do it.

Shae: Oh! Well, let’s make a bet. Give Mag and me 48 hours and if we’re good at being lesbians, we get to be it forever.

Tom: Maybe!

Shae: Mag, he said yes.

[Mag walks in with a briefcase in her hand]

Mag: Hot potato!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Part of the problem with the series was that it was written solely by male writers who knew nothing about the social issue the show was based on. Even the show’s creator claimed to have met the lesbian ones, but it was actually just a wooden drug store Indian. Here’s another ill advised moment from ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Frank and Tom]

Frank: Well, I guess the girls told you that they’re lesbians now.

Tom: Oh, boy! And how? But don’t worry. I have a plan to get them out of that guest bedroom and back into our’s.

Frank: Oh, what have you got in mind?

Tom: Itching powder! I put it all over their twin beds. Any second they’re gonna come running out of that bedroom and scratch on themselves silly.

Frank: And begging to go back with us. Tom, you are a genius.

[Shae and Mag walk in from different direction.]

Shae: Now, what do you want?

Mag: Yeah, what’s this? Itching powder?

Tom: Yeah, it was Frank’s idea.

Frank: So you’d stop being lesbians.

[Cut to Shae and Mag]

Shae: Fat chance. Let’s show them Mag.

[Shae and Mag are just touching their mouths with each other’s. They’re not kissing.]

[Cut to everybody]

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Let’s be clear. We here at Forgotten TV Gems do not hold the same backwards view of gay people. I myself love lesbians. I’m obsessed with them. My sister’s wife taught me how to body surf.

Let us watch the conclusion of the first episode which was also the finale to ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Shae and Mag. They’re holding each other’s one hand and using other hand to use the vacuum cleaner.]

Shae: Clean as always, my lesbian love.

Mag: I’ll say.

[Tom walks in]

Tom: Maybe you two do make a good lesbians.

Shae: I told you I could do it.

[Frank walks in dressed as a woman]

Frank: Well what about me?

Mag: Frank! Have you gone bananas?

Frank: I’m not Frank. I’m another lesbian girl. Now, give me some sugar mama!

Mag: Nice try, mister.

Tom: I guess I really did marry a lesbian.

[Shae and Tom start kissing passionately]

Shae: Wow, I may be a lesbian but there’s nothing like the love of a good man.

Tom: That’s my girl.

[Cut to Reese De’What]

The ironic thing is that the actor who played Tom later turned out to be a giant homo. [talking to the crew members] Is that okay to say? It’s not? You can’t win! For Forgotten TV Gems, I’m Reese De’What.

[The End]

Whiskers R We with Reese Witherspoon

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Purr-sula… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Whiskers R’ We commercial set.]

Barbara and Purr-sula: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend you didn’t know you needed.

Purr-sula: Cat is an itch that scratches you

Barbara: A cup of love, a dash of Whiskers and a metric yard of fur.

Purr-sula: Cats are all that in a bag of cats.

Barbara: So, come on down for our spring cat-abration.

Barbara and Purr-sula: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew.

Purr-sula: And my name’s Purr-sula. It used to be Ursula but I wanted something that cats could pronounce.

Barbara: Many of these rescued cats come from the owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Purr-sula: Let’s meet today’s cat-testants.

Barbara: [showing a black kitten] For you royal family fans, we call this cat, Kat Middleton. Because she’s as lovely as a princess.

Purr-sula: And she’s good at producing hairs (heir).

[Barbara is laughing]

Barbara: Plus, her sister has a better butt.

[Barbara and Purr-sula laughing]

Purr-sula: You’re bad!

Barbara: I’m bad to the bone.

[Barbara showing another brown kitten]

We call this cat Peanut because he’s tiny and 5% of people have deadly allergy to him.

Purr-sula: I hope you’re not allergic to me.

Barbara: Cool it Purr-sula. We’re on camera.

[Barbara showing another grey kitten]

Okay, this cat is Sapphire. Isn’t she gorgeous?

Purr-sula: Look at that perfect little face. Wanna know her secret? Botox!

Barbara: I think she’s is going through mid life crisis. She tells everyone she’s three. Bitch, you’re four and half.

Purr-sula: I’d get botox if you wanted me to.

Barbara: We’ll talk later. [showing another golden kitten] We call this cat Majelen, because he’s a little explorer. His greatest discovery, his own butt hole.

Purr-sula: He’s still fun to pet, though.

[Purr-sula is caressing Barbara’s hands]

Barbara: Stop it! I’m on beta blockers. Okay, and this is [showing another black and grey striped cat] Skittles. This cat is a gift from god. At least that’s what he told the members of his cult. Don’t be along with him for too long or he’ll make you sever all ties with you family.

Purr-sula: He told me I could share his bed every other Tuesday. Little jack-off!

Barbara: This is Mufasa. [showing a huge cat wearing lion-like hair] He claims to be a lion from the African Savannah. But I’m pretty sure he’s just some nobody from Delaware.

Purr-sula: I’m pretty sure he didn’t go to Princeton either.

Barbara: [showing another black and grey kitten] And this is Bluebel. This little guy just showed up on our doorstep to tell us he’s a registered sex offender. He loves to hide things like, little balls of string, or cameras in your toilet.

Purr-sula: Oh, careful Barbara, you got a little cat drew right there. [Purr-sula is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Purr-sula! If you want shingles, keep fiddling, girl! So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We.

Purr-sula: Our policy is look it in the eye, you bought it!

Barbara: Plus, with every cat purchase, you’ll get a free all the cats!

Purr-sula: These cats are kin of like our children.

Barbara: Pump the brakes, Purr-sula. This is our second date. Come on down!

[Cut to the Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We, spring cat giveaway. See you there.

[The End]

Southern Ladies

Nat… Cecily Strong

Carolyn… Aidy Bryant

Merilyn… Kate McKinnon

Terilyn… Leslie Jones

Jerilyn… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with five women talking and drinking in home.]

Nat: Oh, what a week. Doesn’t it just feel to just sit and sip some wine? So, how y’all doing? Let’s just go down the line. Carolyn?

Carolyn: Um, not good.

Nat: Hmm, Merilyn?

Merilyn: Not good.

Nat: Terilyn?

Terilyn: Uh, real not good.

Nat: Jerilyn?

Jerilyn: Not good!

Nat: Well, I’m not good either. So let’s just find out what’s going on. Carolyn, what’s up?

Carolyn: Well, my husband’s back in prison.

Others: Whaaaat? Oh, no!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Prison? Well, foot!

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: It’s okay. He went back on purpose. He said he missed his friend.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Oh, foot!

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: Oh, it’s okay. At least now I can sleep spread out like a star-fish again.

[Cut to Nat trying to pour wine on Carolyn’s glass]

Nat: That deserves a fill-up sweetheart. Okay. Alright, so what’s wrong with you, Merilyn?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Oh, nothing. Except, I hit on my own son on Tinder.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Whaaat?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Yeah! All he asked was a torso pics so I sent a pic of me and my bra and the message, “Where you at?” And he said, “Upstairs, mom!”

Nat: Oh, nooo!

Merilyn: Well, we laughed about it.

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: Did you pray also?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Yes, a lot!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Jerilyn, what are you down about?

[Cut to Terilyn and Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Oh, it’s not worth talking about.

Terilyn: Sure it is. It will make you feel better.

Jerilyn: Well, you all know how my husband’s in that coma.

Nat: Oh, yes, since the day you got married.

Jerilyn: Yeah, well, this last Saturday, he woke up. And guess what? He brought out demon back with him.

Terilyn: Na-ah!

Jerilyn: Yes! He talks in tongues, and toasters flying all around. I was trying to watch castle and the TV grew a mouth and called me a whore!

[Cut to everybody]

Merilyn: How rude!

Carolyn: In your own home?

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: And I said, “Hey Carl! Guess who’s just heard enough of this? The answer is me, bud!” And the next thing I know, the Persian carpet I’m standing on yikes out off under me, rolls me up inside like beans in a burrito and tosses me right through our brand new pillow windows.

[Cut to everybody]

Carolyn: Those are nice!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: I mean, not anymore! Thanks to that demon known as Nogi Negipet.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Alright, so what’s up with you, Terilyn?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, it’s the last summer with my foot apparantly.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: What’s that now?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: The doctor said I could kiss a goodbye after all those cigars I smoked.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Now, when did you smoke cigars?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, when I worked on Wallstreet, I had a box a day habit. That’s when I wore big blazers and just cursed at everybody. “Buy that stock, bitch! Sale that buy bitch!” and etcetera.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Well, what you gonna do?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, I’m just gonna dance till August and then throw off half of my shoes.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Poor foot!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Well, y’all. I hate to pile on, but I had traumatic experience of my own that I’m still dealing with.

[Cut to everybody]

Carolyn: Well what happened, Nat?

Merilyn: Tell us.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: I got pranked by a sperm bank.

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: The one downtown?

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Um, that’s the one. I parked in their private space, I guess. Anyway, I answered the doorbell this weekend and apparently they had rigged a bucket.

[Cut to Carolyn and Merilyn]

Merilyn: [sighs] You don’t mean!

Carolyn: Oh, no!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: I do mean! No, I’m no expert, but I must have been covered with a seed of over 100 men.

Merilyn: Noooo!

Nat: I can’t even talk about it. And ya, you know, there was a note that said, “This was the first of three pranks”. And I said, “Boy, if this is the first!” Ouf! Anyway!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Ladies! Weren’t we supposed to be doing something?

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Oh, yeah! We need to freaking rob this house. Let’s do it.

[Cut to everybody. They stand to get started.]

Terilyn: I got the couch.

Nat: Well, let us help you with the couch.

Terilyn: Don’t, I got it.

Nat: Well, you’re gonna get hurt!

Terilyn: [yelling] I said I got it.

[The End]

Mother’s Day Apologies Monologue with Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon

Cecily Strong

Penelope Strong

Jay Pharoah

Ramona Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Laura Campbell

Sasheer Zamata

Ivory Steward

Beck Bennett

Sarah Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Carolyn Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Elizabeth Ann Thompson

Pete Davidson

Amy Waters Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Georganne Vinall

Kyle Mooney

Linda Kozub

Bobby Moynihan

Julie Moynihan

Betty Reese

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Reese Witherspoon.

[Reese Witherspoon walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live, especially since it’s the Mother’s day show. [cheers and applause] Mothers are the best. And now that I’m a mother myself, I finally understand what my mom went through with me. I was a full on nightmare. From the ages from 5 through 37. And that’s why tonight, we have a very special treat for y’all. Our real mothers are here. And we are gonna bring them out and apologize for real terrible things we did to them. So, let’s bring them out already. Are you ready?

Audience: Yes!

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, first up, Cecily and her mom Penny.

[Cecily and her mother walk in]

Cecily: Well, hi mom. [music playing] I’m sorry for writing you angry notes on the computer using the dingbats font so you wouldn’t know I was using swear words.

Cecily’s mom: I knew.

Cecily: I know. Happy mother’s day.

[cheers and applause]

[Cecily and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up, it’s Jay and his mom, Ramona.

[Jay and his mother walk in]

Jay: Um, hey mom. [music playing] Remember those sandwiches you used to make for me for school? They had like bazel and stuff, I don’t know. It took you forever to make.

Jay’s mom: I remember.

Jay: Yeah, I threw all of them in trash.

Jay’s mom: What?

Jay: So, um, I’m sorry. Come on, just don’t talk. Let’s go.

[Jay and his mother leave]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up, it’s Kate and her mom Laura.

[Kate and her mother walk in]

Kate: Hi, mom.

Kate’s mom: Hi honey.

Kate: I’m sorry that whenever I would play may believe with my friends, it was never princesses. Instead we would reenact the shooting of Mary Jo Buttafuoco by Amy Fisher. And I of course would play Jo Buttafuoco. So, I’m sorry for being so weird, mom!

Kate’s mom: You know, honey, it’s good that you’re weird coz weird got you here.

Kate: You’re right, mom. You’re right.

[cheers and applause]

[Kate and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next is Sasheer and her mom, Ivory.

[Sasheer and her mother walk in]

Sasheer: Hi, mommy. I’m sorry that in second grade, I slapped a girl across the face and broke her glasses and you had to buy her new ones. And in the spirit of mother’s day, if that girl is watching, I’d just like to say, “You deserved it.”

Sasheer’s mom: You did!

[cheers and applause]

[Sasheer and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Beck and his mom, Sarah.

[Beck and his mother walk in]

Beck: Mom, hi. So, remember that vibrating swiggle wiggle pen that you got me when I was little?

Beck’s mom: [looking concerned] Uh-huh?

Beck: I’m sorry for sexually experimenting with that.

[Beck’s mom is shocked. Beck pulls her out of the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. Thank you, Beck. That was gross. Um, next up is Venessa and her mom, Carolyn.

[Venessa and her mother walk in]

Venessa: Hi, mom. You look beautiful.

Venessa’s mom: Thank you.

Venessa: I’m sorry that when I was little, I used to pee the bed. And then I’d get out of the bed and run around my room peeing. And then I’d freak out and run to your room and pee the whole way there. So, sorry for all of the pee.

[cheers and applause]

[Venessa and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, come on up here, Kenan and his mom,

[Kenan and his mother walk in]

Kenan: Hi, mama.

Kenan’s mom: Hi, Kenan.

Kenan: Thanks for coming. I’m sorry that when I was a teenager, I loved fire. And that one night, I tried to secretly burn a piece of notebook paper and almost set out entire house on hire.

Kenan’s mom: That’s okay, honey. But I’ve always wondered what was on that piece of paper.

Kenan: We ain’t got to talk about that.

[Kenan and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up is Pete and his mom, Amy. [Pete and his mother walk in] Mrs. Davidson, before Pete says anything, I’d just like to say that I’m sorry because I’ve only known him a week but I can only imagine.

[Pete looks at Reese Witherspoon angrily]

Pete: Thanks, Reese Witherspoon! Mom, I’m sorry that I used your good coat for a murder scene in a horror movie I made when I was nine. I put ketchup all over it for blood and then just rolled it back up and put it in your closet. Here! [He gives flowers to his mom]

Pete’s mom: Oh, thanks honey.

Pete: I didn’t get it.

[Pete and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Alright, let’s greet Aidy and her mom, Georganne.

[Aidy and her mother walk in]

Aidy: Hi, mom. I wanna thank you for all those times you let me borrow the car to go to the movies. But I’m sorry because I never went to the movies and I always went to church parking lot where I rubbed jeans with Ricky Fico.

Reese Witherspoon: Sounds kind of hot!

Aidy’s mom: He wasn’t!

Aidy: Mom!

[Aidy and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up is Kyle and his mom, Linda.

[Kyle and his mother walk in]

Kyle: Hi, mom. It’s Kyle.

Kyle’s mom: I recognize you.

Kyle: We haven’t talked about this like, ever! But I’m sorry about that one time you were asleep on the couch and I was on the big chair and there was a nudy movie on Showtime with two girls. And I started doing that thing and you woke up [Kyle’s mom is shocked] and screamed, “Kyle!” And then you went back to sleep. I’m really sorry about that and I’m sorry for bringing that up on TV.

[Kyle pulls his mother away]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Bobby and his mom, Julie.

[Bobby and his mother walk in]

Bobby: Hey, hi mom.

Bobby’s mom: Hi.

Bobby: Hi. Look, I’m sorry that I drew my name on the wall in marker and then blamed it on grandma. And then you said, “How did grandma get up and write that when she is in a wheelchair?” And I said, “It’s a miracle.” I love you, mom.

[cheers and applause]

[Bobby and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: And finally, last but not least, it’s my turn. Please welcome the love of my life, my mother Betty.

[cheers and applause]

[Reese’s mom walks in]

Hi, mom. Okay, this is bad, you guys. But, mom, I’m really sorry that one time in high school, I told you that I was gonna sleep over at Ashley’s house but instead I checked in to a hotel with my boyfriend. But then I felt so guilty that I left and went back to Ashley’s house. Do you forgive me?

Reese’s mom: Of course, sweetheart. And now, me and the other moms have something we want to apologize for.

Reese Witherspoon: Huh?

Reese’s mom: We’re sorry that we’re about to show a bunch of home videos of you kids.

Reese Witherspoon: What?

Reese’s mom: Roll it, Lorne!

[Cut to old funny video clips of when SNL cast members were kids.]

[Cut to SNL stage with everybody]

Reese Witherspoon: Wow, thank you for that, mom. We have a great show. Florence and the Machine is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

High School Theatre Show with Reese Witherspoon

Aidy Bryant

Reese Witherspoon

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase]

Aidy: Good afternoon and welcome to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase.

Reese: Written and directed by us, the students.

[Cut to the audience clapping]

[Cut to Aidy and Reese]

Aidy: Now, today’s show isn’t just a show. It’s also a seed.

Reese: A seed that will sprout change in our town and hopefully the whole world.

Aidy: And now, without further due, please enjoy the pulse of progress, heart beat of change.

[music playing]

[the light dims and other student members enter the stage]

[The lights are on again. Taran is sitting on a box while others are looking at him.]

Kyle: The time, now. The place, any high school in America.

[Kyle walks to another box]

Reese: [pointing at Taran]Who is that guy?

Aidy: He’s weird.

Kate: He’s a nerd.

Reese: He’ll never be anything.

Kyle: But what happens if we fast forward thirty years?

Kate: Who’s that guy?

[Taran stands up]

Reese: He is… the President.

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie in the audience]

Bobby: Your daughter’s really good.

Leslie: She is my step daughter, and no, she’s not!

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone are standing behind the boxes but Aidy.]

Aidy: [gesturing typing on computer] Check out this new dress I got.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I had a rough day today. Feeling kind of sad.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I need some help. I think I’m depressed.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Taran: [walking towards Aidy] Next time, don’t like. Love!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Oh, no! You’re gonna be in the play, aren’t you?

Beck: Um, no! I’m just a regular audience, guys!

Leslie: No, you’re not! You’re sitting too far forward. You just gonna suck!

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone are posing around the boxes.]

Kate: How many times a day do you judge a book by it’s cover? [Kate jumps to Kyle] Excuse me, sir. Are you homeless?

Kyle: No, I’m just cold. I’m very rich.

Everybody: Wow!

[Kate walks to Reese]

Kyle: Excuse me ma’am. Are you rich?

Reese: No, I just have good posture. I’m homeless.

Everybody: Wow!

Kyle: Audience member, are you enjoying the play?

[Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Here we go.

Beck: Actually, I’m not an audience member. I’m in the play.

[Cut to the stage]

Everybody: Wow!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: Who is this play for?

Bobby: The program says that it is dedicated to John Lenon and Shonda Rhimes.

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting.]

Aidy: Whisper. Whisper.

Everybody: [following Aidy] Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Shout!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: How long have they been rehearsing this?

Bobby: Every single day for a year.

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is standing.]

Taran: Did you hand in that paperwork?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Kyle: Did you finish those files?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [louder] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Aidy: Did you see your daughter’s first steps?

Reese: No.

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [slowly] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Bobby: I mean, is no one supervising this? I mean where is their teacher?

[Cecily leans towards Bobby’s ear from behind]

Cecily: Trust me. I made cuts.

[Cecily smokes and leans back.]

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting on the boxes.]

Aidy: Bang!

Reese: Bang!

Kyle: Bang!

Kate: Bang!

Beck: Bang!

Taran: Bang!

[Everyone stands up]

Aidy: And guess what?

Everybody: We were black.

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: [standing] Yeah, I’m not okay with that.

[Cut to the stage]

[Everybody bowing down]

Aidy: Thank you. It is now time for a brief intermission during which we will all be laying on stage asleep like our congress

Reese: Feel free to come up here and look at us up close.

[the student performers pretend that they’re asleep]

[Leslie walks in front of the stage]

Leslie: Man, screw this. I’m going home to watch Judge Judy.

[The End]

Right Side of the Bed with Scarlett Johansson

Cory Chisholm… Taran Killam

Gracelynn Chisholm… Cecily Strong

Daniela Denyada… Scarlett Johansson

Housy Yern… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with WSB/TV ATLANTA video bumper]

Female voice: You’re watching WSB/TV ATLANTA. Up next, it’s Right Side of the Bed.

[Cut to Right Side of the Bed intro]

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm in their set]

Cory Chisholm: Good early to mid-morning you guys.

Gracelynn Chisholm: You’re watching Right Side of the Bed. I’m Gracelynn Chisholm and I’m here with my husband Cory Chisholm, better known as the Mirror Hall.

Cory Chisholm: Oh! Someone’s getting shady right off the back. I look in the mirror to practice my sex faces for you.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory! It’s not 6 am, you corny horn dog. Would you chill our?

Cory Chisholm: I can’t help but you’re looking crazy sexy cool today. Come here.

[Cory Chisholm is trying to lick Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, my god! Cory, would you stop! You are knocking my bumping back.

Cory Chisholm: I wanna bump it in your back style.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory! Girl, bye!

Cory Chisholm: Look at you thinking you’re all NeNe Leakes.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Would you stop snapping please. You guys, it’s Kentucky Derby week and coming up a little bit lighter, we are going to learn how to make a Mint julep with a help of a really great guest.

Cory Chisholm: That’s right. She is the owner of Tiny Bites. It’s a full service catering company.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Now all the way from New Jersey, It’s Daniela Denyada.

[Cut to Daniela Denyada. She is standing behind a table to prepare Mint Julep.]

[cheers and applause]

Daniela Denyada: Hi. I got all my ingredients out so I could start whenever you’re ready.

Cory Chisholm: Oh, there she is. What a sweetie.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, she’s as cute as a bird.

Daniela Denyada: Thank you, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Okay Daniela, we’ll be right back with you in two and half shakes to get that recipe.

Daniela Denyada: Alright. I’ll stay right here.

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, well. I love that accent. She sounds like a talking pizza.

Cory Chisholm: She does. Oh, and I’m excited to learn a new drink coz I’m so tired of fuzzy navels.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Fuzzy navels? Oh, yeah, right. You shave every thing.

Cory Chisholm: Whaaaat?

Gracelynn Chisholm: Yeah, you look like a woman from the waist down.

Cory Chisholm: Well then I guess you’re a lesbian coz you’re bouncing on it err-night.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory, please! If you’re just joining us, do not go anywhere coz coming up later, we got Daniela Denyada.

[Cut to Daniela Denyada speaking on the phone]

Daniela Denyada: Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Cory Chisholm: Oh-oh! Looks like we caught her on her cell phone.

Daniela Denyada: Sorry, hang on. I gotta take this call. He only gets one call, alright?

Man: Where are you?

Daniela Denyada: Somewhere in the south.

Man: What are you doing?

Daniela Denyada: That show on TV, you know, the one with the gay guy and his mom?

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm: Whaaaat?

[Cut to Daniela Denyada]

Daniela Denyada: Look, I- I gotta hang up. I love you. Remember that.

Man: Hey, send me 30 pictures.

Daniela Denyada: Later.

[Daniela Denyada hangs up the phone]

Alright, so do I do it now? Or what?

Gracelynn Chisholm: No, not yet Daniela. We’re coming to you real soon there.

Daniela Denyada: Alright, I’ll maintain in this.

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: Alright, I can’t wait to taste that cocktail.

Cory Chisholm: Um-hmm. I can only have lil sip coz bourbon makes me frisky.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, Cory! Chillax!

Cory Chisholm: Oh, girlfriend! I’m just like every other testosterone filled man on this planet. We were put here to get that puny.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, my god! After that, I need a drink. And that’s Daniela’s time. She’s coming up.

[Cut to Daniela Denyada]

Daniela Denyada: You ready for me? I already cut the lemons. I’m getting a little agitated here.

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: I mean, she’s just as cute as can be.

Cory Chisholm: Um-um, I know. She is as pretty as Rachael Ray was for a short time.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory!

Cory Chisholm: What?

Gracelynn Chisholm: She is gorgeous. You are acting like a tired old ignorant queen.

Cory Chisholm: Well, and you love every inch of it, you stutter bug.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Now, you know what you are. You are like a terrier with a dirty butt. I don’t know whether to give you a bath or give you away.

Cory Chisholm: Oh, I think she’s gonna keep me. [barking]

[Daniela Denyada walks in with her cocktails]

Daniela Denyada: I got bored. I made them already alright? Scoot over! Excuse my fingers.

[Daniela Denyada sits on the sofa with Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Cory Chisholm: Um, omg, you guys! This is like my favorite sex dream. Two women at once.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory!

Cory Chisholm: Hey, if anybody wants to go camping, I’m pitching a family size tent over here.

Daniela Denyada: I see no evidence of that.

Cory Chisholm: I’m just saying. You need a camp fire. I got the wood!

Gracelynn Chisholm: Could you stop it! You only know how to go glamping.

Daniela Denyada: Can we drink these already? So I could get back to Marriott? I left my kids in the pool.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Okay, let’s take a break. Take a break! When we get back, more Derby fun with special guest Housy Yern!

[Cut to Housy Yem. He is playing an electric guitar and guitar.]

How about that y’all? [Cut to Cory Chisholm, Gracelynn Chisholm and Daniela Denyada] He changed the words.

Cory Chisholm: Oh-oh! I think I found a sculpted nail in my drink y’all.

Daniela Denyada: That’s mine.

Cory Chisholm: I’m keeping it.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Alright, we’ll be back you guys.

Daniela Denyada: What’s the deal with you two anyway?

[Ends]

Mayweather-Pacquiao Cold Open

Michael Buffer… Taran Killam

Floyd Mayweather… Jay Pharoah

Manny Pacquiao… Aidy Bryant

Referee… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: Good evening. As many of you know, tonight’s episode of Saturday Night Live will air concurrently with the Floyd Mayweather/ Manny Pacquio boxing match, an event many are calling: “The Fight of the Century”, “Historic, Once in a Lifetime Television” and “The Moon Landing of Sports”. In fact, right now, many of you are frantically calling your cable company to order it on Pay-Per-View, for the very reasonable cost of “one month’s food.”

Here at NBC, we did everything we possibly could to keep boxing fans glued to our network. At noon, we showed a hockey game. At 4 pm, it was the Kentucky Derby. Then at 7:30, we showed night golf. Not even regular golf- we showed golf played at night. Without a doubt, it was the whitest day in the history of professional sports.

Luckily, one of the guys in our crew knows a guy, who has a friend, who was able to steal the Pay-Per-View signal.

So, at this point, we’re just going to air the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight in it’s entirety. Without further delay, we join the action ringside.

[Cut to Michael Buffer]

Michael Buffer: Ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] Let’s get ready to rumble. In one corner with an undefeated record of 47 and 0 with 27 knockouts, [Cut to Floyd Mayweather in the boxing ring] the reigning walter-weight champion of the world and also the 9th place finisher in 2007’s Dancing With the Stars, Floyd Money Mayweather.

[Cut to Michael Buffer]

And in the other corner with the record of 57 wins with 38 knockouts, the pride of Philippines, [Cut to Manny Pacquiao in the boxing ring] Manny Pacman Pacquiao.

Male voice: Warning: Because this is a pirated broadcast of the fight, some of the visuals may appear distored. For example, Floyd Mayweather may appear slightly taller, while Manny Pacquiao may appear to be a white woman with a fake goatee and a t-shirt.

[Cut to Referee]

Referee: The both opponents, touch gloves.

[Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao comes in and touch gloves]

Okay, you know the rules. No holding, no hitting below the belt. Also, you both pretty old. They calling this the ‘Fight of the Century’ but only because your combined ages are 100. Don’t push too hard, understood?

Floyd Mayweather: Yeah.

Referee: Manny?

Manny Pacquiao: Si senor.

Referee: [whispering to Manny Pacquiao] Um, yeah, he doesn’t speak Spanish. He’s from the Philippines.

Manny Pacquiao: Yeah, okay.

Referee: Okay, that’s worse. Also, there are ton of celebrities here tonight. So, if you knock down your opponent, go to your neutral corner and have a casual drink with Mark Wahlberg and P. Diddy. If you’re the one who gets knocked down, I will count to 10 very slowly. Try to drag this fight out. I may repeat the number six several times. I might also make up the number normth. During that time, Justin Biebe will be allowed in the ring and he will do a very condescending in your direction. Are you ready Justin?

[Cut to Justin Bieber]

Justin Bieber: Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

I was born ready, y’all! I was also born premature.

[Cut to Floyd Mayweather, Referee and Manny Pacquiao in the ring]

Referee: Alright, you heard the man. Now, when you hear the bell, let’s have a fight.

[bell ringing]

[Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao are acting like they’re boxing.]

Male voice: We apologize to viewers who are shocked by the violent intensity of tonight’s fight. This is what happens when you air raw footage from a real boxing match. It’s brutal to watch, but there’s also a strange beauty to it. Two graceful warriors locked together until the bitter…[Floyd Mayweather and Referee look at the time and leave the ring]

Okay, at this point, two of our actors Kenan Thompson and Jay Pharoah, have left the sketch to watch the actual fight in Wiz Khalifa’s dressing room.

[Manny Pacquiao is dancing alone in the ring]

So let’s just say Manny Pacquiao won. There’s no reason to change the channel.

Manny Pacquiao: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Jingle Writers

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Fayanne… Aidy Bryant

Venerra… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with Elite Advertising Agency]

Taran: Alright, guys. [Cut to Taran speaking to Kyle and Kate in the office] As you know, Landing Pampers, it’s very important to the company. So, we actually decided to bring in a couple of jingle writers to help us out.

[Cut to Taran] They’ve been out of the game for while, but they come very highly recommended. [talking to the assistant through phone] Sujan, you wanna send them in please?

[Cut to the office. Fayanne and Venerra walk in. They look like hippies.]

Fayanne: Hello, hello everyone.

Venerra: Hello.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

My name is Fayanne.

Venerra: Yes, and I am Venerra. And we are the best jingle writers in town. You ever heard of, [singing jingle] “I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.”

Fayanne: [singing jingle] Chilling!

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh, wow! So, you guys wrote that?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Ah, no. We wish.

Venerra: We’ve actually been out of the jingle writing scene for quite a while.

Fayanne: Yes, it got too crazy. You know the jingle scene. It’s Coke for breakfast and ash for dinner.

Venerra: So, we’ve been living off the grid in the desert for the last two years.

Fayanne: Yes, but now we are back for pampers.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Well, we are very excited to hear your jingle.

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Well, here it is. Sweet, pure pampers.

[Venerra plays the piano and Fayanne sings. It sounds like a sad song.]

[singing] The desert echo screams like a hell-burn born of sand

he bites into the flesh of the diamond rattle snake

and with the taste of blood he cries

for pampers!

Venerra: Thank you.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

Venerra: Thank you.

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kyle: Um, I think pampers would want a more traditional jingle.

Kate: Yeah, do you even know anything about diapers?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Of course.

Venerra: Yes, yes. In the desert, Fayanne and I had to drink each other’s urine.

Fayanne: Yes. So, in a way, we were each other’s diapers.

Venerra: And that experience allowed us to write this next perfect jingle.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Is it too late to say no?

[Cut to everybody. Fayanne and Venerra are playing piano and singing. It’s a happy song now.]

Venerra: [singing] It’s a sunny day, smile

It’s a sunny day, smile

every day is sunny if you have a smile

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kate: Okay, I like this.

[suddenly the music becomes sad]

Venerra: [singing] The dessert pig has fire eyes

as it’s seen a thousand deaths

[Venerra runs to Taran and sings to him]

nothing soothes it’s black end sole

except pampers!

Fayanne: Thank you.

Venerra: Thank you so much.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

[Cut to Kyle and Kate]

Kate: Um, are you sure you two are the top jingle writers?

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Venerra: Yes, of course. Haven’t you heard of this one? [singing jingle] “Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, it’s Papa Johns.”

[Cut to Taran looking speechless]

Taran: That’s the McDonald’s jingle.

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: Urgh! You sound like Papa Johns.

Venerra: Now, if you’ll indulge us, we have one more song.

Fayanne: Yes. Imagine tiny clean fresh babies playing in sunlight. And then, you hear…

[Fayanne starts playing piano and singing the sad song]

[singing] I gave birth on a desert rock

and the baby cried for death

Venerra: We needed food so very bad

we even had to eat a diaper!

[Cut to Kyle and Kate shaking their heads no.]

[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]

Fayanne: The vultures clawed out our eyes

and we screamed out for mercy

Fayanne and Venerra: And pampers!

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Thank you.

Venerra: Thank you so much.

Fayanne: Thank you so much.

Venerra: We accept personal checks and sacagawea coins only.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: You need to leave now.

[Cut to everybody]

Fayanne: Well, if you change your mind, just whisper our name to an owl.

[The End]

Black Widow Trailer

Black Widow… Scarlett Johansson

Kate McKinnon

Thor… Taran Killam

Nick Fury… Jay Pharoah

Reporter… Cecily Strong

Captain America… Beck Bennett

Hulk… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Marvel Universe intro]

Male voice: You love the Marvel Universe. Avengers: Age of Ultron, Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, but you wanna know why no Black Widow movie? Does marvel not know how to make a girl superhero movie? Chill! Marvel gets women. Coming in 2016. When it came to life in a big city, [Cut to Black Widow walking in the street] Black Widow had it all figured out. [Black Widow’s heel breaks]

A huge apartment, great friends and an internship at Fashion Weekly.

Kate: Where’s the new girl?

[Cut to Black Widow coming in the office doing somersault.]

Black Widow: Sorry.

Kate: Leather, with a low neckline? Take that off… and put it on the cover of our magazine.

[Black Widow is so happy]

Male voice: The only thing missing in Black Widow’s life was love.

[Black Widow meets Ultron in the park. Ultron is wearing a suit.]

Ultron: Hey, I’m Ultron.

Black Widow: Black Widow.

Ultron: You wanna grab a coffee?

Black Widow: I don’t really have time for dating guys now.

Ultron: What about robots?

[Cut to Thor and Black Widow]

Thor: So, who’s the guy?

Black Widow: Why do you think it’s always a guy, Thor?

Thor: Honey, you’re putting ketchup on your cereal.

Male voice: From Marvel Studios, and the writers of dresses, [Cut to Black Widow and Ultron enjoying in the park] comes the story of a super hero and her super romance.

[Cut to Black Widow and Ultron in a room. Ultron opens his pants and all sorts of robot sounds and lights are coming. Black Widow is looking carefully.]

Robot voice: Penis activated.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Black Widow and Captain America]

Nick Fury: I don’t know, Black Widow, I think you’re moving way too fast with this guy.

Captain America: Does he even know anything about you? Like your favorite food is ice cream?

[Thor walks in wearing a towel.]

Thor: Hey, BW. Your boyfriend is on the news.

[Cut to the TV]

Reporter: The robot named Ultron threw a bus at the Fashion Weekly building. I’d hate to be that guy’s girlfriend.

[Cut to Black Widow sobbing and crying alone]

[News showing “I’m sorry” written on a building by fire]

[Ultron visits Black Widow]

Black Widow: What are you doing here? You knew how much that job meant to me.

Ultron: I…

Black Widow: Do you even know what my favorite food is?

Ultron: Pizza?

Black Widow: Huh! Thank you!

[Black Widow kicks Ultron]

Male voice: For Black Widow, falling in love can be hard. But it can also be ‘Incredible’.

[Hulk walks to Black Widow]

Hulk: Where will you go?

Black Widow: Paris, France.

Hulk: But if you go Paris, then who help Hulk… [Hulk shows two ice creams] eat ice cream?

Male voice: Black Widow: Age of Me. Marvel, we know girls.