Tag: Kenan Thompson

Natalie Portman Announcer Monologue

Natalie Portman

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Natalie Portman.

[Natalie Portman walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Natalie Portman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so crazy to be back. The last time I hosted, it was in 2006. Back then, I was promoting “V for Vendetta.” And now, the whole country is promoting “V for Vendetta.” And this is the last SNL before the Winter Olympic starts next week. Isn’t that exciting? [cheers and applause] Because NBC sure keeps telling me that it’s exciting.

[Winter Olympics jingle plays. There’s a small commercial ad at left bottom corner of the screen.]

Alright. Very shuttle, guys.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon in their Winter Olympics reporter’s set. They’re talking about Natalie Portman’s monologue like it’s a sport.]

Kenan Thompson: Okay. And Natalie has just completed the short program of her monologue.

Kate McKinnon: That’s right, Kenan. She started off with a charming intro and then transitioned into a light political joke.

Kenan Thompson: That’s a tough combination to pull off, but she had done it marvelously.

Kate McKinnon: She sure has. And I- I’ve seen a lot of hosts who could not.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, yeah? Like, who?

Kate McKinnon: I’d rather not say. Let’s see what Natalie has in store next.

[Cut to Natalie Portman in SNL stage]

Natalie Portman: So, I’m a mom now. And my six year old son actually wrote a joke for my monologue. So, okay, here it is. What’s the funniest letter in the alphabet? It’s P. Get it? Pee? You know what? It might be funnier he said it.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Ooh! A little stumble there.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. That was– that was supposed to be a double joke joke into a triple applause break. I wonder what happened. I’m being told that joke was actually written by a 32 year old writer who went to Yale. Yes. Yes.

Kenan Thompson: Let’s look at that again in slow motion.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. She is acting like she’s in a slow motion video.]

Natalie Portman: It’s P. Get it?

Kate McKinnon: Okay, pause it right there.

[Natalie Portman stops moving.]

Yeah. You can tell that she’s very nervous about this one, Kenan. Lot of flop sweats here [circling her forehead] and here.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. And let’s go ahead and check out band leader Lenny Pickett reacting to that joke.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett in the band]

Lenny: Ha-ha.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. He is not into it at all.

Kate McKinnon: No, he is not. And Lenny’s usually a big laugher.

Kenan Thompson: And now, he’s just visibly swiping through Tinder.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett. He is swiping rights on his phone.]

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Ooh. Yeah. Completely checked out, Kenan. Well, we go now to our field correspondent, Leslie Jones, who is heading to the Olympics next week and she is standing by the stage right now.

[Cut to Leslie Jones standing by the stage, reporting to them]

Leslie Jones: Thank you. I’m down here at the monologue stage, and well, it’s not good. [Natalie Portman is peeking at the camera from behind] I don’t know why they make these tiny white actresses do standup comedy?

Natalie Portman: Leslie, you’re kind of blocking me.

[Leslie Jones looks behind.]

Leslie Jones: Hey, girl. You are killing it right now. [looks back at the camera] She is not killing it. Also, speaking of me going to the Olympics, did you know that North Korea is really close to South Korea? Um, why did no one explain that to me? I do not want to go now.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And thank you, Leslie Jones. [cheers and applause] Okay. We go back live to Natalie Portman who is ready for her big finish.

[Cut to Natalie Portman]

Natalie Portman: And I have to ask you guys something. Does anyone here like New York city?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And she has landed it.

Kate McKinnon: She mentioned New York City and people were like, “Hey, that’s where we are!”

Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. An incredible comeback for Portman.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. Leslie Jones is jumping around her with a rose bouquet in her hands.]

Leslie Jones: Haa-haa! I believed in you, girl. You are the real Tonya Harding, baby! Yes! Whooo!

Natalie Portman: We’ve got a great show. Dua Lipa’s here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Will Ferrell First Time Monologue

Will Farrell

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Farrell.

[Will Farrell walks in and to the stage. His forehead is bleeding.]

[cheers and applause]

Will Farrell: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my god. Hello. Oh, wow! Look at this. My name is Will Farrell. Yes, I can’t believe this is happening. I have dreamt of standing on this stage my whole life. I’m sorry, I’m getting emotional. I mean, me, Will Farrell? On Saturday Night Live? What? Wow! It’s been a wile week. Monday, I met with the writers. Wednesday was the table read. And just now, I while I was doing my quick change back there, I hit my head on a steel beam so hard, I heard a crack. And then a whoosh of wind. And after that, I can’t remember a thing. Except that I was going to sing.

[music playing]

[singing] I think I’m gonna like it here
used two room, and a tomb
where I’d sit and freeze
get me now, holy cow
won’t someone pinch me please?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

I wanna see everything. What do you say we go on a tour around the studio? Do you want to? Do you want to ? [cheers]  Come on! Let’s go. [Will Farrell jumps off the stage] I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m suddenly very tired. I can’t walk. I can’t see either. Why is my head wet?

[Will Farrell walks to the audience.]

Sir, how are you? [while Will Farrell touches the audience, he rubs all his head’s blood on him.] That’s great. I need to sit.

[Will Farrell pushes the audience away and takes his seat]

[singing] Used two room, in a room

where I room the room
do you know, party dough,
hiddy ho, where you are?

[Will Farrell sleeps for a second and wakes up]

Is the show over? How were the reviews? What did vulture.com say? Huh? Tell me. Someone tell me.

[singing] You’re gonna like the way you look
I guarantee it.

Female Audience: Dude, you need to go to the hospital.

Will Farrell: [pointing at her] Lorne Michaels, everyone. The rudest man in show business. You know you are. Now, someone wrestle me.

[Kenan Thompson and Cecily Strong walk in to take him to the stage]

The two of you?

Kenan: Okay. Okay. No, no, no.

Cecily: It’s alright.

Kenan: Let’s just go up there.

[They reach the stage]

Will Farrell: Oh, oh. Is it time to introduce the musical guest? Right. Ladies and gentlemen, Match Box 20.

Cecily: No, no, no, no.

Kenan: No.

Cecily: Finish the monologue

Will Farrell: You guys do too many song monologues, you know what?

Cecily: We know.

Kenan: That we know. Okay. Come on.

[they receive a hospital bed]

Kenan and Cecily: [singing] We have but one request

[Will Farrell lays on the bed]

Please put us to the rest

we think you’re gonna like it here.

Will Farrell: [laying on the bed] We’ve got a great show. Chris Stapleton is here.

Kenan: Yeah.

Will Farrell: And Nelly Furtado.

Kenan: No.

Will Farrell: So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Dinner Discussion

Will Farrell

Kate McKinnon

Tom… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with few friends having dinner]

Will: No, I’m telling you. This dog eats anything.

Kate: He ate steel wool.

Will: And then he pooped silver for three days.

[laughing]

Tom: That’s insane.

Kate: It’s our life.

[laughing]

Aidy: You know, what’s insane are these roasted carrots. They are so good.

Will: Oh, everything here is good. The New York Times restaurant review raved about this place.

Heidi: You know, speaking of The Times, did any of you guys read that up-ed piece about–

Tom: Honey, no.

Aidy: What? What article are you talking about?

Heidi: The one about Aziz Ansari?

[The lights shut off. Everybody looks scared.]

I’m sorry. We can talk about something else. I was just curious what everyone thought. But–

Will: No. No. Of course. We can, uh– We can talk about it.

Kate: Yeah.

Will: Yeah. I mean, I think we should.

Kenan: We absolutely should.

Kate: Well, it’s come to this. I’ll go first.

Will: [holding Kate’s hand] Are you sure you wanna do this?

Kate: Yes. Yes. I will speak on the topic of [soft voice] Aziz Ansari. I think…

Will: Careful.

Kate: Yes. I- I think that some women…

Aidy: Careful.

Kate: Um, rather, um, some men have a proclivity…

Kenan: Careful.

Kate: Help me.

Kenan: Okay. Sure. Um, well, while I applaud the movement…

Heidi: Watch it.

Kenan: Noted. It’s just that I wonder if maybe we’re setting it back?

Kate: Argh! Careful.

Aidy: Okay. Ah- ah- I feel that powerful men almost always abuse– nope!

Tom: Okay. Um, look. The thing that I keep going back to is it seems like if she wanted to leave…

Will: Oh, no.

Tom: She could have just…

Will: Oh, no.

Tom: Left.

[The lights turn off again. Will puts his face on his food. Kenan stabs his hand with knife. Aidy cops her hair off. Kate covers her face with curtains. Heidi does black magic and disappears.]

Aidy: Everyone, stop. We can talk about this. We are adults.

Will: Can’t we just go back to the dog? We were happy when we were talking about the dog.

Kate: Honey, the time for talking about the dog is over. We are in a post babe.net universe now and we have to finish what we started. Tom, go.

Tom: Fine. Okay, fine. The #metoo movement– pass.

Will: Okay. Consent. Pass. Dammit!

Kate: Okay. Um, if I were with a woman and she seemed at all uneasy, I would just slow my roles– [takes a bread] are good!

Kenan: Okay. What I think we’re forgetting —

Will: Oh, no.

Kenan: Is the way that this intersects with the issue of–

Will: Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

Kenan: Race. [covers his mouth]

All: Nooo!

[different video clips showing the destruction plays]

Will: I can’t do this anymore. We have to talk about something else.

All: Yes. Thank you.

Kenan: Yes. Something less controversial.

Kate: Okay. Shape of Water had problems, right?

[They all get confused again]

Tom: Hey, where’s my wife?

What Even Matters Anymore

Veronica Elders… Jessica Chastain

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with show’s intro]

Male voice: And now, it’s time to play “What Even Matters Anymore.” With your host, Veronica Elders

[Host walks in to the stage]

Host: Hello, folks. Welcome to “What Even Matters Anymore.” The show where I tell you something our president did or said and you have to tell me does it even matter anymore.

[Cut to the contestants

Contestants: Hi.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Great. First question. The president of the United States refers to African countries as Poo-poo holes. And says all Hasians have AIDS. Does it even matter anymore?

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Um, that’s really bad. That has to matter. Yes.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: Umm, actually, it does not matter. Zero consequences and everyone just moves on. Next, the president has an extra marital affair with a pornstar right after his wife gives birth to his son. Then he pays the pornstar to shut up. Does it even matter to say he’s evangélico base?

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Um, to evangélicos, of course it matters. It’s against everything that they stand for.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think so, but no. They say he’s just repented and they forgive him. And Mike Pence is like, “That’s my dude.” Next, the president fires Robert Mueller, the very man investigating him for treason. Does it even matter?

[Cut to 4]

4: What? He hasn’t done that yet.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Yeah, but you know, he’s gonna. So, when he does, will it even matter?

[Cut to 4]

4: I’m gonna say yes, that would matter. That’s a clear line that he’d be crossing.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to the host]

Host: Ooh! So, close. You were right that it would cross a line. But you were wrong to think that it would matter in the least. Republicans will just shake and mumble something about Hillary’s emails.

[Cut to 4]

4: Yeah. But they have a conscience.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Judges, do they have a conscience?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Sorry, we checked and they don’t.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: I’m sorry. Is this still part of the game?

[Cut to the host]

Host: It doesn’t even matter anymore.

[Cut to the contestants]

4: Are there like, points?

[Cut to the host]

Host: Next question. The president builds a wall but hires illegal immigrants to build it and he accidentally puts an unlocked door every 10 feet. Would that matter?

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Okay, I’m sensing a pattern here. So, I’m just gonna say it would not matter.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to the host. She looks shocked.]

Host: You’re absolutely right, Greg.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: It’s Bernard.

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think Trump supporters would get mad. But then Trump blurs out, “Chuck Schumer did it,” and everyone believes him. They just believe him.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: But you know that’s not gonna happen, right?

[Cut to the host]

Host: [yelling frustrated] Does it even matter anymore? Fake news. Fake news.

[Cut to 4]

4: Are you okay?

[Cut to the host. She looks frustrated.]

Host: I’m great. Okay. You know what? On our final round, you guys just write down what you think would matter. What do you think would actually lead to any kind of consequences? 10 seconds on the clock. And while you’re writing, I’m just gonna drink.

[Host starts drinking wine off the bottle.]

Alright, what do you guys got?

[Cut to 4]

4: I wrote, “Trump punches pope.” I think that would be like really bad.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Argh. You think so? But a lot of people still hate Catholics. Next?

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Okay, I wrote, “Cancels Olympics because flags are gay.”

[Cut to the host]

Host: Ha-ha-ha. Are you kidding me? He’s his ratings will jump five points. Next.

[Cut to the Male Contestant]

Male Contestant: Um, I wrote, “Sex tape with Don Jr.” I mean, that would check like, a lot of boxes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: You think so? But FOX News would just report it as “He’s a family man.” Because nothing truly matters. None of it matters.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Jessica?

[Cut to the host, very frustrated.]

Host: It’s Veronica. Veronica Elders.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Jessica, you don’t have to do this.

[Cut to the contestants]

4: Yeah. Jessica, we know you’re upset about the way our country’s going but you can’t just like, build a whole game show set and make us pretend to be contestants.

Male Contestant: Even though some of us relish the opportunity to become Bernard.

[Cut to the host]

Host: I’m sorry, guys. It just seems like, nothing matters anymore.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Yeah, we got that from the name of the show and how you keep saying it over and over. But, it’s gonna be okay, Jessica.

[Cut to 4]

4: Yeah. There’s another election in 2018 and democrats have a chance of taking back– oh my god! You’re right. You know what? It doesn’t matter. [Cut to all. 4 is walking away looking frustrated] How does it not matter?

Male Contestant: Ay! At least the stock market is up.

Kate: [yelling] Out! Kenan, you go! Now!

Male Contestant: Alright, well, Kenan will leave, but Bernard will stay.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Well, thanks for watching. As always, the host of tonight’s show gets a hug. Because she really needs it.

[Cut to Kate and Male Contestant]

Kate: Are we supposed to hug you now? Or–?

Host: Yes.

[Kate and Male Contestant walk to the host and hug her.]

Male voice: Thanks for watching “What Even Matters Anymore?” Contestants on the show stay at… oh, oh! Trump Tower. That’s not good. And tonight’s show is sponsored by, “Little Ball.” When you can’t take the news anymore, just crawl up into a little ball and rock yourself to sleep. Goodnight!

Movie Set with Jessica Chastain

Jackie… Leslie Jones

Cynthia… Jessica Chastain

Director… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Jackie packing her stuffs in office. Cynthia walks in.]

Cynthia: Judith, here’s the Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find somebody else. I quit.

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Jackie: Because I get paid less than any male lawyer here. We both do.

Cynthia: You’re kidding. How much less?

Jackie: This much. They mixed me and Tom’s check.

Cynthia: Whoa!

Jackie: Exactly.

Director: Cut!

[It’s a movie shooting. Jackie and Cynthia stop acting. Director walks in.]

Wow! Cynthia, Jackie, all I can say is wow. And that was just the first take? Wow!

Jackie: Thanks, director.

Cynthia: You really thought it was good?

Director: So good. But, can I just twig it a little bit? As we say in the industry, put a little stink on it.

Jackie: Sure. We love notes.

Director: Great! The good news is that I was once an actor too. So I speak your language. I’m of course talking a little show called ‘The Jeffersons.’

Cynthia: That sitcom from the 70s?

Director: Yes. And on that show, we really knew how to get to the emotion of a heart of a scene. There was no question what we were feeling. Let’s try something. [Director walks close to Cynthia] When Jackie tells you that she has quit, this has to rock your world harder than Huey Lewis in all the news. Let me show you what I mean. Jackie, can you feed me that line please?

Jackie: Okay. Find someone else. I quit.

[Director starts overacting. He fills his cheeks with air, opens his eyes wide open, nods his head a couple of times making noises.]

Director: You quit? Why? [to Cynthia] Does that make sense, Cynthia?

Cynthia: That seems like a lot. I don’t know.

Director: How to do it? Well, let me show you. Uh, you just jerk your chin back into your neck. And then you bite an imaginary hotdog into four pieces like this.[He fills his cheeks with air, opens his eyes wide open, nods his head a couple of times making noises.] And then you say, “You quit? Why?” Okay, let’s do this.

[Director walks out]

[Clapper loader walks in with a clapperboard]

Clapper loader: Justice for Anne, scene 12, take two.

[Clapper loader walks out]

Director: And, action!

[Jackie and Cynthia start acting]

Cynthia: Judith, uh, here’s Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find someone else. I quit.

[Cynthia fills her cheeks with air, opens her eyes wide open, nods her head a couple of times making noises.]

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Director: Great! Cut!

[Director walks in]

How did it feel?

Cynthia: Career ending. Look, you seem like a nice man, but I’m not sure you have a handle on this material. Who did you play in “The Jefferson?”

Director: Oh, it was the role of a lifetime. I played a tramp who got caught making number twos into a front loading washer at George’s dry cleaners. It was one of those “I learned a lesson” episodes. [Director walks close to Jackie] Now, Jackie, let’s work on your part. When you say, “We all do”, you’re not just talking about the two of you being paid less. That refers to every women in the world. Maybe even on other planets. So, you have to say it loud, long, to let those sound wave really get there. So, tilt back, breathe deep, an a bellow. [loudly] “We all do.” Does that make sense? And also, Cynthia, when you see the check, I need you to look at it at least 40 times, because it’s such a surprise. Like this. [Director repeatedly looks at his hand pretending there’s a check.] Whoa!

Cynthia:  I can’t do this.

Director: Well, you have to trust me on this one. Do you think I would send you out there looking like a fool?

Cynthia: Well, the only credit I know you have is for taking a duke on a Maytag in episode of “the Jeffersons” 40 years ago.

Director: Stop flirting. [laughing and looking around] She started it. You guys are all my witnesses. Okay, let’s do this.

[Director walks out]

[Clapper loader walks in with a clapperboard]

Clapper loader: Justice for Anne, scene twelve, take three.

[Clapper loader walks out]

Director: And action.

[Jackie and Cynthia start acting]

Cynthia: Judith, here’s the Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find someone else. I quit.

[Cynthia fills her cheeks with air, opens her eyes wide open, nods her head a couple of times making noises.]

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Jackie: Because I get paid less than any man who works here. [Jackie breathes in, shakes her head a couple of time and speaks loudly.] We all do.

[Jackie gives Cynthia a check to look at]

[Cynthia repeatedly looks and the check and looks away.]

Cynthia: Whoa!

Director: Cut! [Director walks in] Alright! We are getting there. This is going to be a great commercial.

Cynthia: This is not a commercial. It’s a 120 page movie.

Director: Really? Am I on the wrong set? I thought this was for Cottonelle.

Cynthia: Get out here, please.

Jackie: You have to go.

Director: Ay, okay. Alright. Just let me use the Maytag, then I’ll start walking home. Um, does anyone has some spare cottonelle?

Jackie: Ew!

Google Talk

Summer Childs… Jessica Chastain

Ray Chadman… Alex Moffat

Debbie… Leslie Jones

Bert… Mikey Day

Luke Null

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Ben… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Google Talks video bumper]

Summer: Hello and welcome to another Google Talks. [Cut to Google headquarter. There are many people sitting. Summer is standing as she is speaking] Streaming live across the globe from Google HQ in California. I’m your host Summer Childs. [singing and dancing] Let’s give them something to Google talk about. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry. Today’s topic is bullying which I’ll be discussing with the students at our audience and our guest Berkley Sociology professor, Ray Chadman.

Professor: Pleasure to be here.

[Summer takes a seat]

Summer: Now, we asked each member of our audience to write down something they’ve been bullied for. Which our stage manager Debbie is handing me. Thanks Debbie. 14 people said religion. Nine people answered race or ethnicity. Five people said sexual orientation. And one person said Looking like Bart Simpson.

[There is a guy behind Professor whose hair is exactly like Bart Simpson. Yellow and spiky.]

Professor: Yeah. And unfortunately somewhere four out of five of those answers are extremely common. With the rise of social media, attacking others has never been easier. And the most common form of course being simple name calling

Summer: Um, I can relate. People called me nerd before I got like, pretty. Students, save space. What are some of the names that you or someone close to you has been called?

Heidi: Um, white trash.

Luke: Cock!

Mikey: Bart Simpson.

Cecily: Bitch.

Mikey: Real life Bart Simpson.

Melissa: It’s not a name but people like to say, “Go back to your own country.”

Mikey: Yeah. Or people like to say, “Go back to Springfield.” So ignorant.

Kenan: [to Mikey] That might just be you, dude!

Kyle: Hey, you guys feel like trying isn’t cool? Like, if you put effort into something, people are so ready to make fun of you for it?

All: Yes.

Mikey: You guys ever like, say something funny in a group setting and people laugh. But then you hear, “Haa-haa.” And you’re like, “Is that just how someone laughs or did they just do a Nelson from The Simpsons laugh to mess with me?”

Cecily: Again, man. That might just be you.

Mikey: Oh, okay.

Summer: I love how woke it is in here right now. But it’s not just us having this discussion. Everyone streaming this can tweet their questions and comments with the #GoogleTalk2018TopicBullying. Sorry, it’s so long. That’s my bad. Let’s throw it over to Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Thanks Summer. It has been pretty busy over here at my standing desk. We’s got a lots of tweets coming in. This tweet has already 250 likes.

[Cut to a picture meme with Bart Simpson and Mikey’s pictures joined together. There’s written “Ay, Caramba!”]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: So, I don’t speak Spanish but it’s cool that our woke discussion resonates with a lot in community.

Professor: Ha-ha. Let’s just hope the president doesn’t tweet anything at us.

[Everyone laughing]

[Someone does Nelson from Simpson’s “Haa-haa” laughter. Mikey is looking around to find out who.]

Summer: Well, professor, we had our audience write down some questions for you. These are all anonymous, of course. Our first question. If you notice someone laughing at someone, what should you do?

Professor: Um, that’s easy. Tell them to stop in an assertive yet non-violent way.

Cecily: Excuse me, ma’am. Please stop.

[Cut to Debbie who is laughing hard.]

Debbie: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I can’t. I can’t. He got the red shirt on. Like… I gotta leave. I gotta leave.

[Debbie walks out]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Oh, I’m so sorry about that, Bart. Oops! I’m so sorry I called you Bart. What’s your name?

Mikey: Oh, my name is Bert Samson.

Kenan: Your name is Bert Samson? I’m sorry.

Pete: Hey, you don’t have a cow, man.

Summer: Alright, guys. Let’s check in with Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Hey, Summer. Cool news over here at my chairless work area. We have a caller in our Google Talk line who has a question for professor Chadman.

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Alright, caller, you’re on with professor Chadman. What’s your question, Maggie?

[the caller is making noises like Maggie from Simpson]

Professor: Maggie, you there? Oh, I think I get it. That’s funny.

Summer: Well, we need to show you a series of 25 second ads. We’ll be right back with woke discussion after this. [singing and dancing] Let’s Google Talk about sex baby. Sorry, that was dumb.

Amazon’s New Headquarters

Jeff Bezos… Kyle Mooney

Jeanine Flanigan… Jessica Chastain

Tommy Geleki… Beck Bennett

Casey Affleck… Mikey Day

Reverand Jeremiah Green… Kenan Thompson

Camelle Lo… Leslie Jones

Shep Pauladinau… Aidy Bryant

Corey Booker… Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

Cecily Strong

Pitbull… Mikey Day

[Starts with Jeff Bezos in his Amazon office.]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, are we ready for the presentations?

Alexa: Yes, sir. We are down to twenty cities for our new Amazon headquarters.

Jeff Bezos: Great. The winning city would get 50,000 new jobs and billions of dollars. Alexa, isn’t this exciting?

Alexa: Yes, it is exciting.

Jeff Bezos: And just to make sure, Alexa, who is the richest man in the world?

Alexa: The richest man in the world is Jeff Bezus.

Jeff Bezos: Close enough. Um, let’s begin.

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Boston.

[rock music playing]

[Jeanine Flanigan and Tommy Geleki walk in]

Jeanine Flanigan: Hey, Jeff.

Tommy Geleki: How are you doing, Chief?

Jeanine Flanigan: Thank you for having us, Mr. Bezos. [music stops] My name is Jeanine Flanigan.

Tommy Geleki: And I’m Tommy Geleki.

Jeanine Flanigan: And we are from Boston’s chamber of commerce. We’d like to present you with a pound of Dunken doughnut’s coffee. Dock Roast.

Tommy Geleki: The good stuff.

Jeanine Flanigan: And two tickets to store Centway Park.

Tommy Geleki: Yeah. Upper level. You know, we’re not millennials– millionairs, sorry.

Jeanine Flanigan: Ha-ha. Look, Mr. Bezos, Boston is the best.

Tommy Geleki: The best.

Jeanine Flanigan: I’ll take it, but don’t take it from us. Take it from Oscar winning actor, Mr. Casey Affleck.

[Casey Affleck walks in]

Casey Affleck: How are you doing?

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey was so excited when he heard Boston was in Amazon headquarter finalist.

Casey Affleck: Yeah. Um, this guy, I guess. I don’t know.

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey, you grew up in Boston. Wouldn’t Amazon love it there?

Casey Affleck: Umm.. yeah. I don’t know. I, um, I live in LA now. Maybe, um– Maybe put your office there.

Tommy Geleki: Oh my god, Casey! Bro!

Casey Affleck: You think you’re better than us?

Tommy Geleki: Okay, okay. Let’s take this outside. Thank you so much, Mr. Bezos. [to Casey Affleck] Are you going to Hollywood, bro?

Jeff Bezos: I like em’. They’re passionate. Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Atlanta.

[Jeremiah, Camelle and Shep walk in]

Jeremiah: Yeah. What’ good, partner? Man, y’all need to come see the A filming. Let’s do the damn thing, man. My name is Reverand Jeremiah Green. And I am here on behalf of the mayor’s office.

Camelle: And I am Camelle Lo from Atlanta’s office of business development.

Shep: And I’m Shep Pauladinau and I’ma be careful what I say.

Jeremiah: Ay, look here, man. Atlanta’s made for business, okay? Airport’s only 20 minutes away from downtown.

Camelle: Two hours with traffic.

Jeremiah: We had Olympics there back in 96.

Camelle: The one with the bomb.

Jeremiah: And you know, Atlanta has these wonderful places where people from all walks of life come together.

Camelle: It’s called the Waffle house.

Jeremiah: Yeah. We ready. So, today, we present you some of the symbols of our city, a can of Coca-Cola and a sandwich from Chipotle.

Shep: And I brought my delicious signature three butter pudding, y’all. It’s the dish that American Heart Association rated ‘doubt’.

Jeremiah: And to show you how much we love Amazon, we give you an Atlanta t-shirt delivered by Amazon drone.

[a drone is flying over them]

Hey! Man, I don’t trust that thing.

Camelle: Oh, hell no. Let’s get out. That’s the police.

Jeremiah: That’s the police.

Camelle: That’s the police.

Jeff Bezos: Um, we’ll be in touch. Um, Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Newark.

[Corey Booker walks in]

Corey Booker: Hello, Mr. Bezos. My name is Corey Booker and I am so proud to be representing Newark, a city on the rise. By the way, I know we’re not getting this at all. And that gives me [yelling in squeaky voice] authentic rage! This is a nice office. Anyway, have a good day. #AuthenticRage.

[Corey Booker walks out]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Miami.

[Melissa and Cecily walk in]

Melissa: Ola, Mr. Bezos. We are from the Chamber of Commerce for the city of Miami. A diverse group of people all living in harmony together. Cubans, Jews, gays.

Cecily: Lizards, bugs, beans, cocaine.

Melissa: And featuring, Pitbull.

[Pitbull walks in]

[music playing]

Pitbull: Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Putbull starts dancing]

Melissa and Cecily: [singing] It is Miami and it is loco
It is Miami and it is loco

Pitbull: Yeah! 2018, Miami. This is all I do. Hah! Hah! Hah! Pitbull, dale!

Melissa: Today, we present you with the tasty pina colada.

Cecily: And a souvenir of our city. Pitbull.

Pitbull: Hah!

Jeff Bezos: He’s all your’s now.

Pitbull: Hah! Pitbull! A-bi-ano-bi! Dale! Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Melissa, Cecily and Pitbull walk out]

Jeff Bezos: Wow, this is a tough decision, Alexa. Who should I choose?

Alexa: I didn’t hear that.

Jeff Bezos: It’s okay. I love you.

[The End]

Weekend Update- LaVar Ball on Sons LaMelo and LiAngelo

Michael Che

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, 1.6 million people watched on Facebook as LaVar Ball’s sons LiAngelo and LaMelo made their debut for Basketball team at Lithuania. Here to comment is LaVar Ball.

[LaVar Ball slides in]

[cheers and applause]

LaVar Ball: Yeah. Yeah. Triple B. How you doing, Michael? Me? I’m magnificent.

Michael Che: You’re in the good mood.

LaVar Ball: Why shouldn’t I be? I’m an internet sensation. I’m a multi-billionaire.

Michael Che: Alright. You’re not.

LaVar Ball: I own 16 Toyota Corollas. And I’m the only man in history to out pizza the hut. Never lost.

Michael Che: And you just got back from the Lithuania?

LaVar Ball: You damn right. I flew all the way. Business economy. Middle seat. One hotel room to share. The only hotel in Lithuania is in the back of the soup restaurant. Never not smell like cabbage. Never not a cabbage.

Michael Che: Never not the cabbage. So, just to be clear, you took 19 year old LiAngelo out of college and 16 year old LaMelo out of high school to play Eastern Europe basketball? I mean, were they okay with that?

LaVar Ball: Man, they living the dream, Michael. I told em’, “Pack up your things. We moving up. I’m taking you out of this dump called Los Angeles. And we’re going to pray new. Where the forecast is always a crisp, -2 degrees celsius. And a 100% chance of freezing rain. Never dry. Never dry.”

Michael Che: And you think the Lithuania league is good training to play in NBA?

LaVar Ball: Absolutely. I love the Lithuanian league. All white team mates. Nobody above 140 pounds.

Michael Che: Oh, man!

LaVar Ball: Vitamin deficiencies. Soft teeth. All layups. No dunks. Perfect training for the NBA. I love it. Every night the crowd of 61 people just goes wild. Cheering and waving wooden spoons in the air.

Michael Che: Alright. But, your Big Baller company has been having some problems lately. I saw you got an F from the Better Business Bureau.

LaVar Ball: [squeaky voice] Man, don’t you talking bout no Better Business F rating Bureau. I told my kids that F stands for phenomenal. And yes, my kids are home schooled. Never taught them.

Michael Che: You know, the word is you’re getting a lot of complaints from customers.

LaVar Ball: Well, that don’t matter. Coz I just launched a first Big Baller product in Lithuania. And it’s selling millions. Fresh from the wild streets of business. It’s called Beats by LaVar.

Michael Che: Oh! So, the headphones?

LaVar Ball: No, no. They’re just Beats from the ground with the roots still on. They so baller, they make your dookie redder than Santa Clause.

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh, my god.

LaVar Ball: Order your’s today and it will arrive between one and 11 months.

Michael Che: LaVar Ball everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Genetic Lab

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Aaron… Sam Rockwell

Mikey Day

[Starts with Cecily giving a tour of her lab to visitors from Department of Health]

Cecily: Which brings us to the last stop on our tour. The next gene labs innovation hub. Here, our genetic engineers are developing cutting edge technologies that will revolutionize medical science. And if the department of health gives us approval to continue our research, this company can save lives.

[The visitors are clapping]

Well, I’ve certainly done a lot of talking.

Beck: [in Aidy’s ear] You think?

Cecily: Um, uh, so… Now, I’m happy to answer any questions you may have.

Kenan: Uh, yeah, I have one. What’s that?

[pointing at three scientists testing a dog making a lego house. It has human hands.]

Cecily: Um, you know, I’m not entirely sure but I can promise you that it is cutting edge

Kenan: Okay, because it looks like a dog’s head on a human body.

Beck: Why did they make that?

Cecily: Great question. You know what, let’s see if we can get someone out to come speak with us.

[Cecily calls a scientist out.]

Aaron: What? I’m very busy.

Cecily: Oh, Dr. Goldman. The folks from the Department of Health are curious about your project.

Aaron: Well, make it quick. We’re on a virtue of major brekthrough.

[The dog-human is solving the Rubik’s cube]

Aidy: Um, what is your project?

Aaron: What does it look like? We made a dog head guy.

Beck: Yeah, okay, but why?

Aaron: Well, because we could.

[Another scientist walks out]

Mikey: Aaron, you might want to take a look at this.

[The dog-human has successfully solved the Rubik’s cube.]

Aaron: Wow!

Mikey: Yeah. We did it.

Kenan: Um, just out of curiosity, how much money have you spent on that thing?

Aaron: Oh, so far $35 million.

Aidy: Oh, that’s insane.

Aaron: I know. Worth every penny. [phone ringing] Dammit. [answers the phone] Hello? [dog barking] Oh, my god.

[Cut to the dog-huma. It’s him who is calling Aaron]

He’s making phone calls now. We are done here.

[Aaron walks away]

Beck: I’m sorry. I think this has to be breaking some sort of law.

Cecily: Oh, no, no, no. Every project is thoroughly vetted by our legal council.

Kenan: And where might we find this person?

Aaron: You’re looking at him, pal. There’s no law that says you can’t make a dog head guy. I googled it.

[The dog-human is eating a sandwich]

Mikey: Aaron, hear me out. I think he’s ready to start wearing shoes.

Aaron: No. No. He’s just gonna chew them.

Mikey: How do you know, Aaron?

Aaron: Because I created him. And don’t forget that that is my dog’s head on my dead brother’s body.

[Melissa come in]

Melissa: Guys, he is talking.

Aaron: What? What did he say?

Melissa: He says he wants us to make a dog head girl.

Aaron: We got work to do.

Mikey: Yes, we do.

Cecily: So, you’re gonna shut us down, right?

Kenan: Oh, most definitely.

Aidy: Yeah.

Fashion Panel

Rochelle Koontz… Cecily Strong

Dean Swizz… Sam Rockwell.

Angelo Dolphintuna… Kenan Thompson.

Silvia Nunez… Melissa Villaseñor

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ‘E’ intro]

Female voice: You’re watching E. It’s okay. You also read books.

[Cut to the set of ‘The Look’]

Rochelle Koontz: Welcome to ‘The Look’, E’s red carpet run down where we are now fashion positive. The times are changing and we’re trying to keep up. Ha-ha-ha. So I have read. I’m Rochelle Koontz and joining me is my co-host, Dean Swizz.

Dean Swizz: Thank you Rochelle, my favorite woman in E. Hey, on the count of three, let’s just say what we get paid. One, two, three. $600,000

Rochelle Koontz: $40,000

Dean Swizz: Okay. That backfired.

Rochelle Koontz: Sure did. Alright, today we’re joined by panel regular and stylist to the stars, Angelo Dolphintuna.

[Angelo Dolphintuna joins. He is wearing a suit and a luxurious fur outer.]

Angelo Dolphintuna: Yes. And please checkout my new book, ‘Work, Bitch: How I overcame prostate cancer.’

Dean Swizz: We love that.

Rochelle Koontz: We love that. Alright. And in the spirit of this year’s Golden Globes, we are delighted to welcome our guest panelist, Silvia Nunez. [Silvia Nunez joins] Director of ‘Our House Women’s Shelter.’ Silvia, why don’t you tell us a little bit about the work you do.

Silvia Nunez: At our house, we provide women–

Rochelle Koontz: [interrupting] Amazing.

Dean Swizz: Someone should provide women.

Rochelle Koontz: Yeah. If you’re watching to look, so let’s see those Golden Globes looks. [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] First up, it’s Kate Hudson wearing Valentino. Panel, how do we feel about this look?

Dean Swizz: Ooh, I’m gonna say she looks empowered?

Angelo Dolphintuna: Yeah. She definitely looks as good as a man, if not, better. Can I say that?

Rochelle Koontz: You know what? I don’t even see a dress. I see a CEO. What do you think, Sylvia?

Silvia Nunez: Um, I think she looks beautiful.

Dean Swizz: Really? Really, Silvia? Beautiful? Let’s try and not to just judge people based on their looks.

Silvia Nunez: This show is called ‘The Look.’

Rochelle Koontz: Ah! [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] Okay, next up, we have Eva Longoria rocking that pregnancy glow.

Angelo Dolphintuna: Okay. The hair. The make up. The jewelry. I wanna say all went to college?

Rochelle Koontz: Or even Harvard.

Dean Swizz: I hope her babies are girls so she can change the world more. Oh, wait. [listening to his earpiece] I’m hearing it’s a boy. Well, boo.

Rochelle Koontz, Dean Swizz and Angelo Dolphintuna: Boo.

Dean Swizz: We hate that, right Silvia?

Silvia Nunez: Why is that bad?

Dean Swizz: Maybe you’re right. Maybe he will be gay.

[Rochelle Koontz, Dean Swizz and Angelo Dolphintuna clap]

Rochelle Koontz: Well, before women were brave, this next segment was called ‘Puker Bar.’ But now it’s called ‘I respect her choice.’  Angelo, you’re up first with Debra Messing.

Angelo Dolphintuna: [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] Okay. Normally, I would say something like, “This hoe look like she got dressed by friendly mice.” But because of Twitter, I’m gonna say, “I respect that bitch’s choice.”

Dean Swizz: Okay. Well, we are so excited for today’s special guest.

Rochelle Koontz: Yes. She’s an actress. But she also has opinions. Please welcome Frances McDormand.

[Frances McDormand joins]

Frances McDormand: Hello. Get that out of there. Get that our of there.

Rochelle Koontz: No, that’s your camera.

Frances McDormand: Oh. Sorry. So, why was I, you know, booked for this?

Rochelle Koontz: Because we want raw powerful females represented on this show. And I don’t count.

Dean Swizz: McD, I saw this movie you were in. Three Billboards. It went straight over my head. But I do know you’re a sassy lady.

Frances McDormand: Well, in [bleep], it was really a [bleep] and I feel so [bleep] to have played a character like [bleep].

Rochelle Koontz: Oops. Sorry. You know, I think we accidentally bleeped a lot of what you just said.

Frances McDormand: Okay. It happens. I’m not cursing. It’s just the tone of my voice.

Rochelle Koontz: Well, congratulations on your Golden Globe. Now, are you wearing the same dress from the award?

Frances McDormand: Yeah. This is the dress. It’s from a production in 92.

Rochelle Koontz: Wow, we love that. Women can do anything.

Frances McDormand: Can I punch you in the face?

Dean Swizz: Ha-ha-ha. There it is. Right, Silvia? You wouldn’t kick her out of your house.

Silvia Nunez: My house for battered women?

Dean Swizz: Wow. Stepped in it.

Rochelle Koontz: Alright. This has been ‘The Look’ on E, reminding you that women are powerful and strong. Stay tuned for all new episode of ‘Fat whores of Miami beach.’