Tag: Kyle Mooney

Star Trek Lost Episode

Neil deGrasse Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Uhuru… Sasheer Zamata

Captain… Chris Pine

Scotty… Beck Bennett

Spock… Kyle Mooney

Spocko… Bobby Moynihan

Alex Moffat

[Starts with TV Land Future Classics intro]

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson in his set]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Good evening. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson. My vest has suns on it.  I think that is so cool. In 1966, a series called Star Trek would chance television forever, but in its third and final season, the quality faded quicker than the solstice moon. [laughing at his own jokes awkwardly] Sorry. Science makes me silly. Before cancellation, several Star Trek episodes were shot but never aired until now. What follows the first look at episode 81, “Spock’s Secret.”

[Cut to the scene from the episode.]

Uhuru: Captain, the Romulan’s home planet has weakened our systems. Shields are barely holding.

Captain: God, they’re completely shutting us down. Scotty, can we return fire with photon torpedoes?

Scotty: I’m trying my best, captain, but we’ve got a malfunction in the plasmic core system.

Captain: Spock, can you fix it?

Spock: Negative, captain. I’m not familiar with the mechanics of plasma systems, but I do know someone who is… my brother.

Captain: You have a brother?

Spock: A half brother, captain. A citizen of the planet Vulcan who’s one of the academy’s best engineers.

Captain: Well, by all means, send him up.

[Spocko walks in]

Spocko: Hey, how you doing? My name’s Spocko! Reporting for duty over here. I was in the wrong hallway. I opened the door, I almost got sucked out into space. Now, that’s a ‘Star Trek.’

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Spocko was played by actor and nightclub crooner Sal Delabate. In 1968, Delabate’s song, ‘Pizza beach’ was big hit on the dance charts. Producers were trying to appeal to a far out audience. So, in a ratings grab, Spocko was created.

[Cut to the episode]

Captain: Spocko, are you two actually related?

Spock: Yes, captain. My father ambassador Sarek had a child with a human school teacher who is my mother, but he also fathered a son with an earth woman who worked as a hostess at Mama Guchioni’s family style bistro in ‘Queens, New York.’ That’s Spocko.

Spocko: Yeah. That’s me. That’s Spocko. Come on!

Alex: Captain, I’m not sure I trust this man to repair our ship.

Sulu: Yeah. We’ve never seen him before. It’s weird.

Spocko: Oh, come on, Sulu, don’t be illogical over here. What are you doing?

Captain: I’m sorry, but we’ve got no other choice. Romulus could fire at any moment. Spocko, give it your best shot.

Spocko: Alright. NO problem. [Spocko starts walking around looking for the problem. He is limping.] Now, what’s this here? You got a problem with your plasma core or something?

Scotty: I think it’s a distorted wake pattern.

Spocko: Ah, well, hold on. Let me just get my tools here. Let me just scoot right through here. Need my little machine. Alright, let’s get this puppy open And here we go. [Spocko pulls out a whole system cover. It’s smoking inside.] Yeah. Looks like you got fourteen MCFS ionized gas over here. You konw? that’s your problem.

Uhuru: Excellent diagnosis, Spocko.

Spocko: Ooh! Thank you, Uhuru. He-he-he. You know, look, I’m a Vulcan but I’m very direct sometimes and I got to say, I want to take a big nice bite of that nice bit juicy butt of your’s. Now, that’s a Star Trek.

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson:

Wow! A lot to unpack there. You’re probably wondering about the walk. Sal Delabate was living in the back of a bar at the time. And he had a rare medical condition from eating no solid food except pearl onions and shaved ice. After Sal sexually harassed Uhuru played by Nichelle Nichols, producers knew this episode would never air and they let Delabate do whatever he wanted. Take a look.

[Cut to the episode]

Captain: Captain’s log. Star date 45, 21.4. Systems are up and running. All thanks to a Vulcan from Queens with strange jelly bones. The important thing is my crew is safe.

Spocko: Hey! Live long and party, captain. Set a course for ‘Pizza Beach’.

[music playing]

All: [singing] There’s a special kind of beach
where all the cool kids go
order a set of my pizza
welcome to the Pizza Beach

Now, that’s a pizza!

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Yes. I know it was a disaster. But it was still better than “Star Trek, 5 the Final Frontier.” Oh, set your phasers to, “Oh snap.” That’s a trekky burn. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson and I’ll see you, this is so exciting, in the future.

Spocko: Now, that’s a Star Trek.

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling on Easter

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Temperatures climbed up to 80 degrees in New York this week and Easter Sunday arrives tomorrow marking the unofficial beginning of spring time. Here with his unique take on the season is veteran New York stand up comic, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Yo! Ay! Michael! Ay, so good to be here. You know? The sun’s out, flowers are in bloom and the girl’s skirts are getting a lot shorter. So, this guy has got work to do.

Michael Che: What re you talking about? what work?

Bruce Chandling: Exactly! Look, I love Easter. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Right? Right? Personally, I don’t get it. I mean, you got that big bunny showing up, giving sweets all over the backyard. Now, in the real world, you know, I’m just saying, most animals don’t deposit candy in the grass. They leave something else. And I don’t recommend eating that chocolate.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Yo, what age range are these jokes for?

Bruce Chandling: Hey, you really got to stop interrupting, okay, pal?

Michael Che: Yeah, but–

Bruce Chandling: Alright! [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Of course, my favorite part of the season has to be spring break. Yeah! yeah!

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: They’re not cheering for you. They’re cheering for spring break I think.

Bruce Chandling: I mean, these college kids love to have fun. [to Michael Che] You’ve seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah. I’ve–

Bruce Chandling: You heard about this? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] You know, they’re always getting together and going on trips down south. And I ain’t just talking about Mexico if you catch my drift.

[cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Yeah, man, we all get it and it’s bad. Are you finished?

Bruce Chandling: But honestly, you know, these kids they really do go nuts, Michael. We t-shirt contests. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Rock hard abs. Beautiful people looking the best they are ever going to look. It really makes you think.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: What? Is that the punch line?

Bruce Chandling: No. [cut to Bruce Chandling] It just– it really– it makes you think about how you might not ever be able to look like that again. [Bruce Chandling is getting depressed] The weight gets harder to lose and you don’t remember what it feels like to be kissed. Now, some loser in lab coat is telling you that you have to wear glasses because you are practically blind. Well, [wears his glasses] go ahead and laugh all you want. I guess the real joke here is me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Hey, Bruce, I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know you were struggling, but I think you are a good person inside and that’s what really matters.

Bruce Chandling: I guess you’re right. I mean, at least– [smirking]

Michael Che: Oh god!

Bruce Chandling: — I didn’t eat the wrong chocolate!

Michael Che: Bruce Chandling, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Turtle Shirt

Jimmy Fallon

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Sasha… Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Jimmy  joking around with his office colleagues]

Jimmy : I’m serious. I went to this lunch thing at his house. And it was like sears all the way. [everyone laughing] Also, have you ever noticed how low the hairline is. [Kyle walks in behind Jimmy ] I think it’s where his eyebrows start. [everyone laughing]

Kyle: Patrick! Can I walk with you in my office?

[Jimmy  turns around looking scared]

Female voice: You’ve been caught talking about your boss again? If you could only hide somewhere. Now, you can. Inside your shirt.

[music playing]

[Jimmy  pulls his head inside his shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

The turtle shirt, by Swag.

Turtle shirts are made from plastrals and keratinous scutes. The same materials from which a turtle’s shell is made. Our shirts offer an mazing and comfortable place to wait out any unwanted and embarrassing situations.

[Cut to a party]

Pete: Great party.

Bobby: Thanks Jeff.

Sasha: Uh, here you go.

Pete: Hey, have you met my wife?

Pete: You know, I haven’t. Can I just say, your hair is so pretty that it actually kind of looks fake.

[Bobby and Sasha looks at each other]

Bobby: Sasha works with orangutans and one of them took her scalp off.

Sasha: It capped me. That’s the primary term for it.

Bobby: The top of her head is completely fake.

[Pete is embarrassed. Pete pulls his head and hands inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: It’s like having a personal panic room on your back.

[Cut to Beck walking to his friends]

Beck: Hey, who wants to see a picture of my new baby?

Sasheer: Oh, yeah. I’d love to. [Beck shows Sasheer a picture] This is a penis.

Beck: What is?

Sasheer: This picture is a penis.

Beck: Oh, my god! No. That’s not my baby.

Sasheer: Was that your penis?

Beck: Yeah, right. I doubt it.

[Sasheer is staring at Beck]

[Beck is embarrassed. Beck pulls his head, hands and legs inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: Turtle shirt, by Swag. Available only at Lord and Taylor.

Male voice: Warning: Lying on your back while inside the turtle shirt may result to death.

Middle School Musical

Aidy Bryant

Hailey… Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three girls at the dressing room of the musical show]

Aidy: It is so cool that Mrs. Harrity is letting us to Legally Blonde, the musical.

Hailey: Specially since we’re the first middle school in all of Kansas to perform it.

Kate: For most people in the audience, this is going to be the first time that they see this show.

Aidy: Which means, they’re gonna remember this show for the rest of their lives.

[Cut to the Musical Show. Aidy and Hailey are doing very bad mumbling gibberish.]

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Hailey: It sucks that Stephanie can’t still be in this play.

Kate: She missed two rehearsals.

Aidy: Yeah. I mean, it’d be too hard to catch up on all that choreography.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are just running around and singing bad.]

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Kate: Can’t wait for my big solo number. Must me alone in the spotlight.

[Cut to Kate singing her solo on the stage. But the spotlight is not on her. She is at the dark spot.]

[Cut back to the dressing room. Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Hey, Hailey, I can’ wait for our song. Your vocal is just amazing.

Hailey: I think it’s just combination of our voices is what works. They literally become one.

Aidy: You guys honestly seem like a real couple.

Hailey: What?

[Cut to Hailey and Kyle on the stage. They’re singing very bad.]

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Aidy: Can middle school productions win Tony’s.

Kate: No.

Aidy: That’s not fair.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are singing bad. Aidy falls off the stage.]

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Hailey: Our finale is so good.

Aidy: I know they don’t use wires in the broadway version, but I think it can give our production a wow factor.

[Cut to the Musical Show. The girls are singing bad. The choreography is very bad.]

Aidy: I think I’m getting my period.

[Cut back to the dressing room]

Aidy, Hailey and Kate: No mistakes!

[Cut to the stage where they are bowling after the show.]

Kate: How do you think it went?

Aidy: Perfect! [her nose is bleeding]

[cheers and applause]

Pepsi Commercial

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

Director… Beck Bennett

Kendall Jenner… Cecily Strong

[Starts with shooting for Pepsi commercial.]

Kenny:  And that’s a cut on rehearsal. Let’s be ready to roll in five. How is it going, Mr. Director?

Director: Good. Good. I’m really excited.

Kenny: Well, you should be. Writing and directing a commercial for Pepsi. It doesn’t get much bigger than that.

[phone vibrating]

Director: Oh, hey, this is my sister. I gotta get this real quick. [talking on the phone] Carrie, hey. Sorry, I can’t super talk right now. I’m on the set of a huge Pepsi commercial I’m doing. I know, right? It was like, completely my idea, and now they’re doing it. It’s great, yeah. I mean, okay, so well it’s an homage to the resistance and for the huge protests in the streets reminiscent of Black Lives Matter. And so, everybody is marching, right? And they can see police officers and they think it’s gonna go bad because there’s kind if, like, a standoff. And then, Kendall Jenner walks in and she walks up to one of the police officers, And she hands him a Pepsi, and then, that Pepsi brings everybody together. Isn’t that like, the best ad ever? [listening silently] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sort of done deaf.

Kenny: Alright, guys, three minutes away! Three minutes!

Director: I think maybe you just kind of don’t get it. Is Doug there? Can you put him on? Dough! What’s up? Hey, I just want to run this Pepsi commercial by you that I’m doing and make sure you are loving it as much as I am. Um, cool, cool. The whole thing is an homage to resistance and Black Lives Matter. So everybody is marching. And then Kendall Jenner comes up to a police officer and gives him a Pepsi and everybody celebrates. People of every single culture comes toge– Uh-huh. [listening] Uh-huh. No, we’re celebrating these cultures. We’re celebrating black culture. Uh-huh. Cancel hiphop? But we’re also celebrating asian culture. Don’t even play the cello?Mm, mm, mm. Oh, got it. Just kind of using them? Yeah. It’s all soda? Great. It’s gonna be bad.

Kenny: Alright people, 60 seconds till we roll on this man’s singular vision!

Director: Ha-ha. Yes! [talking on phone] Hey, man. Could you put a neighbor on the phone, a black one? Hi, ma’am. Hey, we’re shooting a little Pepsi commercial over here. I want to run it by you and get your opinion on it. Okay, great. So, the whole thing is an homage on Black Lives Matter. Huh? Don’t even touch it? It’d be insane to touch it? Right. Okay. Don’t even show police? [sigh] Yeah. What would you do if you were in my situation? Just run to my car? Okay.

Kenny: Alright, we got to go. People.

Director: Hey, Kenny. Do we have a time for a quick re-write?

Kenny: Hey, no can do, bud. Let’s invite Kendall to set. She has her hard out in 45 seconds.

[Kendall Jenner walks out of her bus]

Kendall Jenner: Okay, bye. I gotta go. I’m on the set of my Pepsi commercial. Um, I stop the police from shooting black people by giving them a Pepsi. I know! It’s cute, right?

Translator

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Helen… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a presentation]

Kyle: Good morning. Inotech Research is pleased to welcome you to what we believe will be a very exciting preservation.

Alex: Well, it better be. This project is, what? $18 million over budget?

Mikey: Um, yes, but thanks to your patience as well as your investment, we are thrilled to announce near completion on the X5 prototype.

Cecily: Near completion? So, what exactly are we going to see here?

Helen: Well, if all goes well, exactly what we promised. Using EEG censoring and brain interfacing, we will do what has never been done, scan the household pet’s mind to translate his thoughts into words. Now, the subject today will be my own dog, Max. [There’s a god with a helmet on that has few wires] Looks like he’s ready.

Alex: Then, let’s see it.

Helen: Okay, Max, here we go.

Mikey: EEG signal, 100%. Vitals are normal. Okay, we have mind link.

Helen: Okay, Max, this is it. Max, speak.

Max: [gibberish]

Alex: Brilliant.

Helen: Hang on. It worked.  I swear, just boost the signal. Max, speak.

Max: Hi, I’m Max. It’s me, Max.

Alex: Oh, my god.

Max: I like to play ball. I like purple bird in the window.

Helen: I think he means the pigeon. He’s never spoken this much before. Max, what else do you like?

Max: I like park, and leash, and I like Trump. He’s my man.

Helen: What?

Cecily: What did you dog just say?

Helen: Um, it must be a translation error, some kind of glitch.

Max: There’s no glitch. Donald Trump is our president. He carried the electoral college fair and square.

Mikey: Um, this can’t be right. did you know your dog likes Trump?

Helen: He doesn’t.

Max: I absolutely do. I know Trump has issues, but one big change is better than business as usual.

Kyle: Okay, Max, no. You drop that right now. You don’t like Trump.

Max: The Dow is up 2700 points since he was elected. What’s not to like?

Cecily: Your dog is a monster.

Helen: No, he’s not. Let me talk to him. Max, I’m sorry, but you’re just a dog. You don’t know what you’re talking about

Max: Excuse me, Helen, but yes, I do. [Max is trying to pull the helmet out] Stinking helmet, I can’t believe you put this on me. It’s just that condescending attitude that made people want to vote for Trump in the first place. [Max successfully puts the helmet out]

Helen: Get over here, Max.

[Helen puts the helmet on Max again] This is crazy, okay? I can’t believe you’re saying this. You were supposed to be my best friend.

Max: And as you friend, I don’t want to see your tax dollars going to health care for illegals.

Alex: Your dog is a jackass.

Helen: What? No. Hang on. Max, listen. Trump is bad. Trump is racist.

Max: What do you know about black people? You never brought one into our house once.

Cecily: Really?

Helen: No, Max, that is not true.

Max: It is absolutely true, Helen. Plus, Trump is the only one that isn’t owned by Wall Street.

Helen: Oh my god, are you insane? My head’s going to explode. What bout his record on women’s right? Don’t you want me to have a choice over my own body?

Max: You didn’t afford me a choice when you cut off my balls.

Helen: Oh! Max! You don’t know anything. You’re just a dog. You’re just a dog and you pee on the floor.

Max: And you masturbate out of boredom. What the hell does that have to do with what we’re talking about right now?

Kyle: Whoa!

Helen: Max!

Max: You just assume that because I’m a Trump supporter that I’m a xenophobic racist.

Helen: No, I don’t. Your best friend at the dog park is a chihuahua.

Max: So?

Helen: That means, he’s Mexican and Trump wants to kick them out of the country.

Max: If Akito was born here, he has nothing to worry about. This is a nation of laws.

Cecily: Alright, stand back. I’m gonna shoot him with the gun I carry.

Alex: Don’t miss.

Max: No, for god’s sake, I can’t even have a conversation without you liberal snowflakes–

Helen: [pulling out the helmet] No! Enough! Enough! Shut up, Max. Just shut your dumb mouth.

[turning the machine off]

Mikey: Um, that concludes the demonstration. Obviously we have some more work to dy.

Alex: Obviously.

Cecily: Yeah, this whole project is on thin ice. That dog is a problem.

[Alex and Cecily leaves]

Helen: It’s okay, Max. I love you no matter what. We just have to learn to respect each other’s point of view, I guess. Now, let’s go for a walk. Okay?  Put your hat on, it’s cold. There you go. It’s a good thing you’re cute, you little dumbass!

[Helen carries Max and walks away]

Alien Attack Cold Open

General… Kenan Thompson

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Alien… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the year 2018, aliens landed on earth. They did not come in peace.

[Cut to General briefing his soldiers]

General: Men, women, the hour is upon us. [cheers and applause] The aliens are stronger than we thought which means the fight for humanity begins now. We may be down but we are not out. We’ve lost limbs. We’ve lost lives. But we will not lose the United States of America. Now, let’s get out there, destroy those aliens and save the human race. But first, your commander in chief wants to say a word.

[Donald Trump walks in. He is also wearing a military jacket.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, yes. What a beautiful day. Who here loves Trump? I know this guy over here, [pointing at dead man] he loves Trump. Now, here’s the deal. We are going to beat these aliens because we have got the best military, but we don’t win anymore. And the aliens are laughing at us. They’re killing us and they’re laughing at us.

General: We know that aliens are killing us, sir. They have the most advanced weponized technology we have ever seen. What should we do?

Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what we do. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We are going to bring coal back. Okay? We’re going to have so much coal, you’re going ty say, “Where did all this coal come from? I never knew there could be so much coal.”

General: But Mr. President, what about the aliens? They just vaporized the entire state of California.

Donald Trump: So then, I won the popular vote?

General: Sir, please. Everyone in California is dead.

Donald Trump: Even Arnold?

General: Sir, yes, we are dealing with a highly advanced species here. They are from Zorblat-9. Their ships are invisible. They’re telepathic.

Donald Trump: Okay. No, we don’t know that they are from Zorblat-9. I’ve actually heard Zorblat-9 is very beautiful, very fantastic.

Kyle: Oh, my god. Does he have business ties on Zorblat-9?

[explosion sound]

Beck: General, the aliens are outside the base.

General: Mr. President, please. We have to do something. Look how much the aliens control. This is the aliens and this is us. [showing all United States map captured by the aliens except them.]

Donald Trump: This is us?

General: Yes.

Donald Trump: That is a great show. “This Is Us.” I can’t watch it because it’s on NBC and NBC has been unfair to me.

Alex: Sir, I have terrible news. New York city has been attacked. And Trump Hotel has been completely destroyed causing $50 million in damages.

Donald Trump: More like $1 billion.

Alex: Well, luckily no lives were lost because no one was staying at the hotel.

Donald Trump: That’s not true. Everyone loves to stay at my hotel. I’m sure a bunch o top shelf classy people died there.

[explosion sound]

Aidy: The aliens, they’re coming.

Donald Trump: I actually heard the aliens are already here. They have been hiding in this country for hundreds of years. It’s a fact. They’re shapeshifters. They look like regular people, but they’re aliens. Look, there’s one right there. [pointing at Leslie]

Leslie: What? I am not an alien.

Donald Trump: Yes, she is. And so is the woman next to her right there. [pointing at Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, no.

General: Sir, where are you getting this information?

Donald Trump: From a very reputable source.

General: What? The FBI, CIA?

Donald Trump: Info Wars, it’s a radio show hosted by Alex Jones. You know he is legit because he’s always taking off his shirt. Okay? And that is why I hair-by demand– Sorry, I here be bedamned– Sorry, I Fergie Dabid– Sorry, I Gigi Hadid that we launch a full investigation into these two aliens right now. They’re inside the base. [explosion]

Kate: General, they’re here. They’re inside the base.

General: Alright, troops. The time has come to fight as brothers, as sisters, as Americans. Now join me in the pledge of allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the flag of …

All soldiers: The United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under god. [Donald Trump is speaking gibberish because he doesn’t know what to say] Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

[Aliens walk in]

Alien: Humans! Resistance is futile. Take me to your leader.

Donald Trump: [pointing at General] It’s him. He’s the president.

General: No, I’m not. You are.

Alien: Really? This is gonna be so easy.

Alien, General and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Jeff Sessions Gump Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Minny… Octavia Spencer

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Leslie sitting down on a bench of a park. This sketch is mimicking of the movie Forest Gump.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, my name if Jeff. Jeff Sessions. Would you like a chocolate?
Leslie: No, thank you.

Jeff Sessions: Alright, well, I’m gonna have one. I’m the Attorney General of the whole United States. I got to meet the president and everything. He shook my hand like this. [shows how he shook his hand] Being in the government is so fun. Have you ever been in it?

Leslie: No, never.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. We meet so many nice people. Like this. [showing her a picture] This is my best good friend Kellyanne. She ain’t got no legs. Why you ain’t got no legs, Kellyanne? We’re about as close as pease and carrots. She’s a best talker you ever heard. They say she could sell stink to a skink. But they don’t let her talk anymore. I miss you Kelly. You sure you don’t want chocolate? [Leslie shakes her head] I always say, life is like a box of chocolate. Sure are a whole lot of brown ones in there.

[Jeff Sessions takes one chocolate out and eats it staring at Leslie]

Leslie: No!

[Leslie stands and takes a bus]

Jeff Sessions: Alright, have a good day.

[Kyle sits beside Jeff Sessions]

I was in the cover of “The New York Times.” You wanna see?

Kyle: It says you might have committed perjury.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. I had a bad week. Started out real good. President made a great speech. Folks were thrilled on the account of it was real word on a roll for a whole hour. We was all as happy as monkey with a peanut machine. Then I went to bed, I got 800 messages and phone alerts saying I was a sneaky little liar. I didn’t know what to do. So my lawyer said, “Run, Jeffy, run.” And I started running and running. I ended up all the way sitting at this bus stop with you.

Kyle: Well, it’s a nice day for that.

Jeff Sessions: Hmm. This whole mess began with a congressional hearing. This senator from up north started asking me all these question about Russian, on if I ever talked to them. I got so nervous and confused. I got about as worked up as a double donged piggy in a room full of sows. So I said, “No, I never talked to no Russians ever.” That’s all I got to say about that.

[a bus passes by. Now Aidy is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

I talked to the Russians. Twice. You know, I met with a fellow who turned out to be Russian on the account of he was the Russian ambassador. His name was Sergie Kisleya. Now, I remember any name with the words ‘gay kiss’ in it. But I was the only one who talked to the Russians. Well, me and Michael Flynn. And J.D. GORDON. So it’s just me, Michael Flynn and J.D. Gordon.  And Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. So, me, Michael Flynn, J.D. Gordon and Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. And Carter Page. And that’s all I got to say about that. And Paul Manifort. I’m gonna have another one of these chocolates. I wish I could go back to the White House and see Mr. Trump. I miss you, Donnie. Democrats want me to resign. I just got to prove to everybody that I don’t have any ties to the Russians what so ever.

[a bus passes by. Now Vladimir Putin is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

Vladimir Putin: This meeting never happened.

Jeff Sessions: I wasn’t going to remember it anyway.

[a bus passes by. Now Minny from ‘The Help’ walks in and sits beside Jeff Sessions]

Minny: Hello.

Jeff Sessions: Hello.

Minny: Are you Jeff Sessions?

Jeff Sessions: Yes, ma’am. I am.

Minny: The one Coretta Scott King wrote the letter about?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow! Well, that was 40 years ago. You still remember that?

Minny: Oh, a lot of people in Alabama remember that, sir. My name’s Minny, you don’t know me, I am from a different movie. And I have a pie that I baked especially for you. [Minny gives a pie to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. That is a mighty kind gesture. Thank you. It looks delicious. Hey, is this what I think it is.

Minny: It is.

[Minny stands and walks away]

Jeff Sessions: Hmm, my favorite. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Girl at a Bar

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Amy… Aidy Bryant

Dave… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a girl walking into a bar]

Michelle: [talking on the phone] Hey, girl. It’s me checking to see if you are here yet, and I don’t see you so– I’m just gonna grab a seat at the bar, alright? So just, find me when you get here. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Where is she?

[Dave walks in]

Dave: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Michelle: Oh. Um…

Dave: I’m sorry, I’m not like a gross guy trying to hit on your or anything. I just– I can’t find a seat.

Michelle: Okay, yeah, sure.

Dave: Thanks. Believe me, I know this place is filled with skeezy guys.

Michelle: I think the whole world is.

Dave: Hah! I think one is our president.

Michelle: [laughing] Do not remind me.

Dave: I’m Dave.

Michelle: I’m Michelle.

Dave: I gotta say, I like your t-shirt.

Michelle: Oh, yeah? Well, future is female.

Dave: I know. Look.

[Dave is wearing the same t-shirt.]

Michelle: No! Okay, well, Dave, on behalf of all women, we thank you so much for your support.

Dave: Hey, would you maybe wanna hangout sometime?

Michelle: You men like a date?

Dave: [smiling] Yeah, like a date.

Michelle: Um, no thank you.

Dave: Okay, bitch!

Michelle: What?

Dave: I’m wearing this shirt and you won’t even let me nut? What the freak!

[Kyle walks in pushing Dave away]

Kyle: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Dave: What? I followed all the rules!

[Dave leaves. Kyle sits on that seat.]

Kyle: Nightmare!

Michelle: Yeah.

Kyle: Sorry about that. You alright?

Michelle: Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Thank you.

Kyle: You, um, you from around here? [Michelle looks at Kyle] Sorry. I didn’t mean that in like a skeezy, where do you live sort of way.

Michelle: No, no. It’s okay. I’m from DC.

Kyle: Oh, no way. I was actually just there for the women’s march.

Michelle: Really?

Kyle: Yeah. Yeah. We rented a bus and brought down like a hundred people from the neighborhood who didn’t have a ride. It was honestly, one of the best days of my life.

Michelle: Wow, you’re very nice.

Kyle: Um, would you want to come to my place?

Michelle: Oh! No, thank you.

Kyle: Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Kyle: I freaking marched for you. You won’t get down on this?

Michelle: Ew!

[Mikey walks in pushing Kyle away]

Mikey: Hey! She’s not into it, man!

Kyle: Fine!

[Kyle leaves and Mikey takes the seat]

Mikey: Back off! God! Guys like that is why we need a woman in the White House. Enough of us men, right? We had our shot. Sorry, I’m a broken record. I worked for Hillary.

Michelle: You did? I love Hillary.

Mikey: Yeah. Hey, can I ask you a question since we both love Hillary?

Michelle: Yeah.

Mikey: Would you want to look at my balls?

Michelle: Ew, no.

Mikey: [pointing at Michelle] Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Bitch.

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Please!

Michelle: No!

Mikey: But it’s not fair.

[Alex walks in pushing Mikey away]

Alex: Okay, buddy, that’s enough. Move along. I’m so sorry about my fellow man.

Michelle: Ah!

Alex: You know what? Do you by any chance follow Kamala Harris on twitter?

Michelle: Yes, I do.

Alex: Do you wanna eat my butt?

Michelle: No!

Alex: [squeaky loud voice] Bitch!

[Amy walks in pushing Alex away]

Amy: No, no. Go!

Michelle: Amy! I”m so glad you’re here.

Amy: I’m sorry I’m late. These guys are horrible.

Michelle: Yeah, tell me about it. Thank you for saving me. I love you.

Amy: Oh, you do?

Michelle: Yeah.

Amy: Touch my [bleep].

Michelle: What? No!

Amy: [yelling] Bitch!

Trump People’s Court

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Judges… Pete Davidson, Vanessa Bayer, Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The People’s Court intro]

Male voice: This is the People’s Court.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the court]

Male voice: This is the plaintiff, the president of the United States. He claims that some phony judges are being very mean to him. He is asking for broad unchecked power. Will he get it?

[Cut to three judges walking in the court]

These are the defendants. They are three judges from the 9th circuit court who heard the case for Trump’s ban and said not in. They’re accused of letting bad hombres pour into this country.

Police: All Rise. [everybody stands] Judges, do each of you swear to tell the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god.

9th Circuit Judges: We do.

Police: Mr. President.

Donald Trump: I’m good.

Police: Proceed it.

Judge: Alright, thank you. First of all, Mr. Trump, you understand this is a TV court, right?

Donald Trump: That’s okay. I’m a TV president.

Judge: Alright, so, your travel ban has been rejected as unconstitutional, once again, but here you are. What are we doing here, man?

Donald Trump: Well, thank you, judge, or what do you call a lady judge? A flight attendant? Something like that? Look, I signed a tremendous travel ban. I didn’t read it but I signed it. People took pictures of me holding up a piece of paper. Very official. These judges have been very disrespectful. I’m right. They’re wrong. I want the ban reinstated. Also, I want $725.

Judge: Okay. You know, earlier this woman asked me to award her joint custody of a snake and she had more of a case than you. Okay? Alright. Let me ask the circuit court judges.

Donald Trump: So called.

Judge: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: So called. So called judges.

Judge: Excuse me, Mr. Trump, these three are federal judges. Okay? They’re actually more real than I am. Alright, judges, why did you agree with the lower courty’s projection of the ban?

Vanessa: Your honor, it was our conclusion that the ban violated the establishment clause because it included a religious test.

Donald Trump: Wrong. [Donald Trump has his own gavel banging] Over ruled!

Judge: President Trump, that’s enough!

Donald Trump: I’ll allow it. I’ll allow it.

Judge: Alright, Mr. Trump, do you have one legitimate reason we need this ban?

Donald Trump: Of course I do. It’s so simple. The bad people are pouring in. And you see them. And it’s ISIS. And San Bernandino, Chicago, I mean, look at Chicago. It’s hell. There are bad dudes coming in here. Bad hombres, bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?

Judge: Alright, that sounded less like an argument and more like refrigerator magnet poetry. Alright, Mr. Trump, I hear you wanna bring in a character witness.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Someone who has known me for years. He’s a family. Incredible person with impeccable credentials, Mr. Vladimir Putin.

[Vladimir Putin walks in and he is giving high-fives to the people behind Donald Trump].

[background entrance music playing]

Male voice announcing: “He’s Russian president. An authoritarian leader who invaded other countries and killed rivals. He’s president’s Trump’s long-time crush.”

Donald Trump: Vladimir is an amazing person. He knows me better than anyone.

Vladimir Putin: That’s right. Hey, everybody, come on! Lay off president Trump, okay? This man is a great friend. He’s my little American Happy Meal. He do anything for you. He’d go against his own country just to make us happy, okay? We good here? Cool. [Vladimir Putin walks away] See you at Mar-A-Lago, baby!

Judge: Okay, you know what? Alright, that’s it. President Trump, look, I read the bad. It seemed rushed even to me. I decide three court cases in an hour, okay. Okay? I see no evidence that it will help. So I am sorry to say–

Donald Trump: I want to settle.

Judge: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: I’d like to settle. Settle out of court.

Judge: No. Mr. President, I’m sorry but–

Donald Trump: We settle and so will you.

Judge: No, sir, no, I won’t. And let me just say, you are doing too much. Okay? I want one day without a CNN alert that scared the hell out of me. Alright? I just– I just want to relax and watch the Grammy’s. Alright, and no one has ever said that. That’s my decision.

Male voice: Judge rules for the 9th circuit judges. Our next case, on ‘The People’s Court’. The Plaintiff is president Donald J. Trump. The defendant is a manager at Nordstorm, when we return.