Tag: Leslie Jones

The View Pete Buttigieg | Season 44 Episode 21

Whoopie Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joe Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Meghan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Paul Rudd

Chasten Buttigieg… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Can you believe they’re not mic’d?

[Cut to the set]

Whoopie Goldberg: Hello, hello. This is The View, the most high stakes brunch on television. [Cut to Whoopie] I’m Whoopie Goldberg. Later today we’ll be talking about dinosaurs, are they scary or they just silly? But up first is hot topics. [Cut to Whoopie and Abby] This week Alabama pass a near total ban on abortion. We’re about to pop off. We’ll start with Amy Huntsman.

Abby Huntsman:  Thanks, Whoop, it’s Abby but I can change it. [Cut to Abby] They’re calling this the war on women. I don’t think women should fight. I think women should be best friends like us. Right, Joy?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: Yeah, sure, sweetie. Listen, I want to talk about the guys who passed this bill. Maybe they’re so concerned with what happens to a six-week-old fetus because they all look like one. Blobby Nothings with beady eyes and big foreheads. They’re like, oh, my god, it’s me. What do you want? Laugh, don’t, I get paid the same.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: This law is backwards. It is regressive. It is texting your ex, honey, you don’t want to do that. It’s backwards, it’s regressive. It is– Oh, no, I’m skipping.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay, can I talk now? Okay, I am the only daughter at this table. So, I have to say, these senators are actually very good and fun guys, so I am spending love to Clyde Chambliss, Shay Shelnutt and Garland Gujer. And those are all real names, okay? Please, please, guys, let me talk.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: No one else is talking.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay. You see, and I’m getting attacked, and as the person most upset right now, I am right.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: We got a live wire. Anything’s going to set her off.

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie is making noise juggling her coins.]

What, what?

Whoopie Goldberg: Down, down, no, down!

[Cut to Whoopie]

Our guest today is one of the many democrats running for president. He’s also the youngest. Please give it up for Pete Buttigieg.

[Pete Buttigieg walks in to the set]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello.

Joe Behar: Hi. How are you?

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I’m ready to work. See my exposed forearms?

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: Now, I hear when you grow up, you want to be president.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I am grown up.

Everybody: Aww.

Pete Buttigieg: I may only be 37 years old but I do feel like I represent everyday Americans. I’m just a Harvard educated, Multilingual War Veteran Rhodes scholar. I’m just like you.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: Oh my god! So young, so impressive. Can you fix my phone? I got like 8,000 unread emails.

Pete Buttigieg: Look, ladies, I’m here to talk about issues, like climate change. There you go, I fixed it.

Joe Behar: Okay. You’re my nephew. My nephew for president.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Okay. And you have an unusual name. How do you pronounce that?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Pete.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Oh, okay. I was thinking Pad Thai like the Japanese spaghetti.

[Cut to Whoopie, Abby, Joe and Pete]

Whoopie Goldberg: So you really think that you’re ready to be president?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Am I ready? [Speaking in Spanish]

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: And what was that last one?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: A language I made up to speak to Gnomes.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: I got to ask because I’m sure it come up. You’re gay.

Pete Buttigieg: That’s not a question. But I do want to say that I wouldn’t be running for president if I didn’t believe America was ready to accept not only a gay man but a boring gay man in public eye.

[Cut to Pete, Ana and Meghan]

Ana Navarro: I think I saw your husband backstage. Bring him out.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no, I’m here to talk about my policies.

Ana Navarro and Meghan McCain: Husband, husband! Husband!

[Chasten enters the set]

Chasten Buttigieg: Hello, I’m Chasten Buttigieg.

Pete Buttigieg: He took the name Buttigieg. That’s commitment, right?

[Cut to Meghan laughing only after few seconds]

Meghan McCain: Ha-ha-ha, yes, be my friend or I’ll die.

[Cut to Joe, Pete and Chasten]

Chasten Buttigieg: Wow, this is all so new to me. Usually I’m just home with the dog.

Joe Behar: You’re gay and you have dogs? I’m sorry. I love that. I’m voting for you. Mayor Pete, we love you, we can never forget about Joe Biden. [Cut to everybody]

Ana Navarro: Take me to Delaware.

Whoopie Goldberg: We love him.

Joe Behar: My Prez.

Ana Navarro: Oh, Joe.

[Cut to Whoopie hugging her Joe Biden printed pillow]

[Song’s playing]

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Well, thank you both for being here. Joy, you need to let me talk.

Joe Behar: I have said nothing all day!

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie blowing blow horn.]

Joe Behar: What?

Whoopie Goldberg: Not today, Satan.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Coming up after the break, prison reform and Elon Musk teaches us to vape. This is The View.

[Ends with outro]

Leslie & Kyle | Season 44 Episode 21

Kyle Mooney

Leslie Jones

Paul Rudd

[Starts with Leslie watching something on her laptop and laughing in dressing room]

[Cut to Kyle coming in dressing room]

Kyle Mooney: Oh, hey, Les, a change in the court sketch, you’re going to be the Bailiff now.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, okay, cool, thanks Kyle. [Leslie gets back to watching]

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: What are you watching?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I’m watching Russian car crashes, they’re crazy over there.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: You know, last weekend I was watching those Leslie and Kyle videos we made for the show when we were in love with each other.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I remember those. Why did we stop making them?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: They were great. Actually, can I show you a pretty fun clip.

[Kyle sits beside Leslie and takes over her laptop]

May I?

[Cut to the laptop playing a video where Kyle kisses Leslie]

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, my god.

[Cut to the laptop playing a video where Leslie is making out with Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Tell me I’m not dreaming.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Aw, we was babies.

Kyle Mooney: It was like last year. But you know it’s weird, sometimes people will come up to me on the street and say, “Are you really dating Leslie?”

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: No way! Me and you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: They truly thought it was real.

Leslie Jones: It’s ridiculous.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, so ridiculous. Well, I should get out of here.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. Kyle passes the laptop back to Leslie.[

So enjoy your videos, madam.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Thank you, sir.

[Leslie leaves]

Umm, hey, Kyle.

[Kyle walks back in]

Kyle Mooney: What’s up?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Got some wine. You want to maybe have a glass of wine, we can watch videos.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, sure. I mean, I drink everyday, so—yes, let’s do it.

[Kyle walks and sits beside Leslie. Leslie passes Kyle a glass.]

Thanks. Well, to a wonderful year.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, yes.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They both take a sip of wine.]

Oh wait.

[Leslie wipes Kyle’s lips]

Oh, you got some on your lip.

Kyle Mooney: Thank you.

[Cut to Kyle]

Is this happening right now?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I don’t know.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They kiss.]

[Cut to a dreamy world where Kyle and Leslie are walking together holding hands wearing matching dress.][Music is playing]

Kyle Mooney: Why do birds suddenly appear

every time you are near

just like me they long to be

lose to you

[Cut to a Kyle and Leslie having sex in dressing room]

Kyle Mooney: Oh god, crap!

[Cut to Paul Rudd walks in]

Paul Rudd: Whoa! What the [bleep] are you doing? This is my dressing room.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, sorry, man.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul Rudd: Oh, god. What’s that smell? Ew! It stinks over here too. Were you [bleep] over here too? It smells like a bad tooth. My shoes are stinking to the floor. It’s like an old movie theater.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Sorry okay?

[Cut to Paul] Oh, crap.

Paul Rudd: Are you still doing it? Get out of here.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They both stand up.]

[Cut to Paul. He looks away.]

Leslie Jones: We said sorry, dude. Are you stressed out?

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Hey man! We were just having sex for a few hours. [Cut to Paul] Relax.

Paul Rudd: Yea, I’m stressed out. I just—I want the finale to go well. I didn’t mean to yell. Sorry.

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle both start to massage Paul]

Leslie Jones: Aww baby.

Paul Rudd: That feels good. Mmm. Is this happening?

[They all start making out]

[Cut to a dreamy world where Paul, Kyle and Leslie are dancing and holding hands wearing matching dress. Paul and Kyle starts kissing. Leslie is shocked.][Music is playing]

Chopped | Season 44 Episode 20

Host… Beck Bennett

Georgina… Leslie Jones

Clair… Melissa Villaseñor

Emma Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

[Starts with intro of Chopped]

Host: Four chefs started out with the goal of wowing our judges using the ingredients in their mastery basket. Now, only two remain, Georgina and Clair. Who will it be?

[Cut Georgina and Clair shaking hands]
Georgina: You did some great cooking out there. I think either one of us could win.

[Cut to Clair]

Clair: I think you could win or could win.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: That’s what I just said.

[Cut to the judges and the host]

Host: Judges, those were some really tricky baskets. But after three rounds what do you think?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Clair making her dishes]

Emma Thompson: Well, going back to the appetizer round, Clair really made very great use of those artichoke hearts.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, they were so crispy.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, and she wasn’t thrown by the loose sugar.

Emma Thompson: But she had a harder time with the five-pound horse penis.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Georgina making her dishes]

Georgina had problems too. Her appetizer was supposed to be an artichoke slider.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, but it was actually just a kitten on a hamburger bun.

[Cut to the host]

Host: What did you think of the salad?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the salads]

Alex Moffat: Her salad seemed like an afterthought. And she overdressed it.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, it didn’t need the full tuxedo. Just a tie would have been fine.

Emma Thompson: And Clair seemed to be just pretending to wash her hands.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, she didn’t even touch the water.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s move on to the main course round.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the contestants making their dishes]
Alex Moffat: I thought the way Clair incorporated the marshmallow fluff into her steak sauce was really clever.

Aidy Bryant: You know what? But, my steak was raw.

Emma Thompson: Raw like the temperature or raw like it had a mouth and kept using the ‘C’ word?

Aidy Bryant: That one.

Emma Thompson: Okay.

Emma Thompson: I thought Georgina served a really nice plate of food.

Alex Moffat: Well, she served me divorce papers. And now she has half of everything.

[Cut to the host]

Host: But you have full custody of her kid.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to Emma and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: But kid like goat, right?

[Cut to Alex playing with a goat]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s talk about dessert.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Aidy Bryant: You know, Georgina was really determined that she was going to get to that ice cream machine first.

[Cut to video clip of Georgina shooting Clair to get to the machine first]

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Emma Thompson: I just wish she had transformed the candy cigarette. Because she just stuck it in the ice cream.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, along with some real cigarettes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Sounds like you could make a case for either one to be ‘Chopped’ champion.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: But one stood out.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Okay. So, whose dish is on the chopping block? [Cut to Georgina and Clair getting nervous to know about the result]

[The host opens the chopping block. There is a cat in the bun.]

Chef Georgina, you’ve been chopped.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: You know, I’m definitely disappointed and maybe I’m not the ‘Chopped’ champion. But I never signed a release. So, y’all can’t use any of this. Suck it.

[Cut to the host]

Host: And that means chef Clair is the new ‘Chopped’ champion.

Clair: Yes!

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Let me know when the cameras are off. [Alex is trying to eat the cat]

Etiquette Lesson | Season 44 Episode 20

Shante Thomas… Leslie Jones

Vivian Hargrave… Emma Thompson

[Starts with a clip of a castle]

Heidi Gardner: What a pleasant surprise Mr. Thomas. Thank you for joining us.

[Cut to Heidy, Beck and Shante]

Beck Bennett: Tell us how do you know Mrs. Markle, Duchess of Sussex?

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: I’m Meghan’s third cousin, Shante Thomas of the Compton Thomases. Now she me where the baby at.

[Cut to Heidi and Beck]

Heidi Gardner: Yes. Well, about that, you must understand, when attending royal functions, there’s a protocol everyone must follow.

Beck Bennett: And you must be ready. That’s why we’ve brought in miss Vivian Hargrave. She’s our royal Etiquette coach, and she has never failed. Mrs. Hargrave?

[Cut to everybody. Mrs. Hargrave enters the room.]

Vivian Hargrave: How may I be of service?

Heidi Gardner:  This is Mrs. Shante Thomas. She is to attend the royal christening and reception.

Vivian Hargrave: Goodness. Is that so?

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Well, yes. This will be an experiment, won’t it?

Shante Thomas: Experiment?

Vivian Hargrave: Leave us, please.

[Cut to everyone]

Beck Bennett: As you wish.

[Heidi and Beck leave the room]

Vivian Hargrave: Now then, miss Thomas, have you ever attended high tea?

Shante Thomas: No. But I’ve had tea while I’m high.

Vivian Hargrave: Indeed. Do take a seat. Very well. Back straight, please. Legs together. Napkin folded in half with the crease toward you. Now, do you know the proper way to stir the tea?

[Cut to Shante. She carries a cup of tea and swirls the spoon in it]

Shante Thomas: Yeah. You just, you know, swirl it around like this.

Vivian Hargrave: Yes. [Cut to Vivian and Shante] Well, that’s perfect if you’re entertaining a bunch of howling Dobermans. But that’s not how it’s done here. You see, round and round is a dreadful show. Back and forth is how we go. From six to twelve and back again, back and forth, to stay within. Repeat after me. [Cut to Vivian swirling the teaspoon and singing]

Back and forth

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: Back and forth

[Cut to Vivian]
Vivian Hargrave: Six to twelve

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: Six to twelve

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Vivian Hargrave: Now stop.

[Shante is still stirring the tea. Vivian slaps the cup out of Shante’s hands and breaks it.]

I said back and forth. Understood?

Shante Thomas: I know you didn’t just smack that out of my hand.

[Cut to Vivian]

Vivian Hargrave: Well, I did indeed and I’ll gladly do it again if you don’t get it right. You do want to attend the Christening, don’t you?

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Shante Thomas: Yes, but—

Vivian Hargrave: Well, very well. Let’s try again.

[Cut to Vivian][Music stars playing.]

Vivian Hargrave: Back and forth

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: Back and forth

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Vivian Hargrave: Very good. Six to twelve

Shante Thomas: Six to twelve

Vivian Hargrave: May I see that? Don’t you put that spoon in your mouth. [Vivian slaps Shante on her cheek]Did youish—

Shante Thomas: Oh! What is wrong with you?

[Cut to Vivian]

Vivian Hargrave: I’m terribly sorry, but this is a royal event. We simply must get this right.

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Shante Thomas: Am I bleeding? Lady, if you smack me one more time—

Vivian Hargrave: What? You’ll do what?

Shante Thomas: I ain’t going to do nothing.

Vivian Hargrave: Excellent. Now let’s move on to scones. Scones are an afternoon tea tradition going back generations. Now, then. Here we are. Please separate your scone into two halves. Separate after me and repeat.

[Music starts playing]

From one to two

Shante Thomas: I don’t want to sing.

Vivian Hargrave: One to two

Shante Thomas: [Getting a knife from he table] One to two 

Vivian Hargrave: Don’t even think about using a knife! [Vivian smacks Shante on her face]

Shante Thomas: You crazy crazy! I don’t even like scones.

Vivian Hargrave: Oh, I see. [Vivian walks behind Shante and starts chocking her]

Shante Thomas: Wait a minute.

Vivian Hargrave: You don’t like scones? Perhaps you prefer to sleep then.

Shante Thomas: I don’t want to sleep.

Shante Thomas: I’ll drink the tea.

[Heidi and Beck walk in]

Beck Bennett: Is everything all right?

Heidi Gardner: We heard noises.

Vivian Hargrave: Yes. Everything going swimmingly. Isn’t it, miss Thomas?

Shante Thomas: Oh, she’s so good. She’s so good. We’re cool.

Heidi Gardner: Wonderful.

Beck Bennett: Lovely.

[Heidi and Beck leave the room again]

Vivian Hargrave: Very well. Let’s move on to the clotted cream.

Shante Thomas: Clotted cream? [Shante carries the plate and takes a look at it.] This look real nasty.

Vivian Hargrave: Perhaps you should try it. [Vivian smashes Shante’s face to the cream] This is the house of Windsor. [Vivian carries a chair and hits Shante with it] Do you understand?

Narrator: In the end Vivian Hargrave triumphed. Shante Thomas attended the christening of the royal baby and she was a model of decorum.

Family Feud Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 19

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Thor… Alex Moffat

Thanos… Beck Bennett

Okoye… Ego Nwodim

Groot… Leslie Jones

Brienne… Kate McKinnon

Tormund Giantsbane… Mikey Day

Melisandre… Cecily Strong

Bran… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with C-SPAN show intro]

Narrator: You’re watching C-SPAN. Normally we would have shown you footage from Attorney General William Barr’s congressional testimony but Barr decided not to show up. And then the democrats chose to do some light prop comedy with a bucket of chicken. The whole thing was so depressing that we’d rather focus on the two things all American’s can get behind. ‘Game Of Thrones’ and ‘Avengers’.

[Cut to Family Feud set]

Announcer: It’s Family Feud and here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve walks in the set]

Steve Harvey: Yes, indeed. All right. Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud. I am Steve of house mustache. Today we got ‘The Avengers’ versus ‘Game Of Thrones’. All right. Let’s start with the Avengers because this show is just like their movies. We’re gonna open with 45 minute of introductions. All right. First of, the sexiest man in the Renaissance fair, its Thor.

[Cut to Thor]

Thor: Good day, Steve. It’s good to be handsome. I’m a god and I’m from space.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you’re a scientologist? Okay, next, we got swole grimace is Thanos.

[Cut to Thanos]

Thanos: Yes. I want my big fancy glove. [Shows his gauntlet] Does it make me look pretty?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: I don’t want to burst your bubble but I saw that thing on QVC. All right. Next, she a warrior from Wakanda. It’s okay-doky.

[Cut to Okoye]

Okoye: My name is Okoye. It is truly an honor to be here fighting an epic battle that is the feud of families.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Mm, mm, mm. Bald is beautiful. Girl, you make a good dog want to break it’s chain. All right. finally, who we got down there on the end there?

[Cut to Groot]

Groot: Bitch, I’m Groot.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: I feel like you can look at that poster and just know that’s wrong. All right, let’s go to the Game of Thrones side. I got to be honest, I didn’t see the last episode. I mean, I watched it but I couldn’t see it. You know it’s dark when you can’t even see the white people. All right. First up, lady Brienne of Tarth.

[Cut to Brienne]

Brienne: Actually, sir Brienne. I don’t if you saw, but I was recently knighted. Not that I care but it was like the highest honor of my life. I even allowed myself to smile.[Brienne smiles]

[Tormund Giantsbane joins Brienne]

Tormund Giantbane: Isn’t she a snack.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, damn. Who are you?

[Cut to Tormund Giantsbane]

Tormund Giantsbane: I’m Tormund Giantsbane. I killed a giant, crawled into bed with his wife and drank her milk. She thought I was a baby. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Okay, playa. I like the big girls too. All right. Next, we got a thousand year old witch, Melisandre.

[Cut top Melisandre]

Melisandre: Hello, Steve. This show is dark and full of terrors.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: You sound like my agent. Are you really a thousand years old? How come you look so good?

[Cut top Melisandre]

Melisandre: [Looks sideways] Maybe it’s magic. [Melisandre smiles][Bumper sound “maybe it’s Maybelline” plays]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: No, it’s definitely magic. Girl, you take that necklace off or you’re gonna turn into old lady. But I know how it is. I take off this shirt and I just pummel out into a poop emoji. And finally, every family got that weird brother. This is Bran.

[Cut to Bran]

Bran Stark: Hello, Steve. I have to go now. [Bran starts to use his warg power]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Woo, somebody got that good weed. All right. Let’s get two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Cut to everybody getting ready for the game]

[Brienne and Thos walks to the stage with Steve]

Brienne: Greetings.

Thor: Tarth, good on ya.

Steve Harvey: All right. Top six answers on the board. After ten years, both your franchises are coming to an end. Name something you might put on your bucket list. [Breinne presses the button] Brienne?

Brienne: I don’t need a lot, I’m a low maintenance girl. Armour, short hair– I don’t know. [Cut to Brienne] Jamie Lannister, one night, three hands, no rules. [Brienne smiles]

[Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Trying to creep with your freakin’ friends.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Okay, not up there. [Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor] Over to Thor. What’s on your bucket list. Playboy?

[Cut to Thor]

Thor: I must reforge the rainbow bridge, the shining city of Valhalla.

[Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me some kind of white nonsense.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Right answer’ ring plays.]

Okay, all right.

[Steve walks to team Avengers]

Team Avengers, you’re on the board. Let’s go over to Thanos. What’s on your bucket list?

[Cut to Thanos]

Thanos: I’ve already collected all the infinity stones. So I guess all that’s left is get off the HGH.

[Cut to Steve, Thor and Thanos]

Steve Harvey: I knew there was something going on. You got that Berry Bond’s chin. Show me too old to be that jacked.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, it’s not there. [Cut to Steve, Thor and Thanos] All right. Let’s go over Okra. What’s on your bucket list?

Okoye: Steve, [Cut to Okoye] it’s Okoye. I am a Dora Milaje warrior. But just one day I would like to put on a pair of sweatpants, eat a cheesy gordita crunch and watch eight hours of Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Beach Club’.

[Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos and Okoye]

Steve Harvey: Okay, then. Show me how Okra got her groove back.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, it’s not that either. [Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos and Okoye] All right. One strike left. Let’s go over here to the giving tree or whoever this is. Give me something on your bucket list.

[Cut to Groot[

Groot: Bitch, I’m Groot.

[Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos, Okoye and Groot]

Steve Harvey: Just cause you say it don’t make it true. Show me middle aged lady in a Halloween costume.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, man, that’s three. [Steve Harvey walks to team Game of Thrones] All right, Game of Thrones. Your chance to steal. What’s on your bucket list? Give me some answers.

[Cut to Steve and team Game of Thrones]

Bran Stark: Move my face.

Melisandre: See my old boobies.

Tormund Giantsbane: Big girl.

Steve Harvey: All right. Brienne, what’s it gonna be, player?

[Cut to Brienne]

Brienne: They’re all noble answers but none are invincible. I do fear that the feud is lost.

[Arya Stark joins]

Arya Stark: Not today. It’s I, Arya Stark.

[Cut to Brienne, Arya and Steve]

Steve Harvey: Right on time again. What’s on your bucket list?

Arya Stark: Well, Steve, [Cut to Brienne and Arya] as the battle approaches and you stand to an endless night, there is but one thing a girl must do.

[Cut to Brienne, Arya and Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, say no more. I saw what you did in that episode. Show me, getting that booty.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Right answer’ ring plays.]

Oh, number one answer, [Cut to Steve] all right. Let’s take a break. Stay tuned for a post credit scene where me and Black Panther sings the songs of Jodeci.

[Everybody joins]

Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Sandler Family Reunion | Season 44 Episode 19

Waiter… Chris Redd

Adam Sandler

Ring… Kyle Mooney

Mac… Mikey Day

Shawn Mendez

Ron Bacon… Kenan Thompson

Janet Sandler Bacon… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Bobby… Melissa Villaseñor

Chubbs… Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Dad… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Waiter serving beer to Adam]

Waiter: Here’s your Heineken, Mr. Sandler.

Adam Sandler: Cool.

Waiter: [In Billi Madison voice] So cold! Do you want to drink tiny? Like Billy Madison.

Adam Sandler: I got that, that’s very funny.

Waiter: If you don’t mind me asking, how do you come up with all your characters and stuff?

Adam Sandler: I don’t know, I think they just kind of come to me.

Waiter: That’s kind of a lame answer, all right. Enjoy your reunion.

Adam Sandler: Yeah, there’s lots of Sandlers here, it’s a sandstorm.

Waiter: All right.

[Waiter leaves]

[Ring and Mac joins Adam]

Ring: Hello, Mr. Hollywood big shot.

Adam Sandler: It’s cousin Ring, cousin Mac, good to see you.

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Yes sir. Habito-poo-poo!

Mac: Habito-pee-poo!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Habito-yahoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Mac: Adam, I was so excited when I heard you were coming, I was like, “Habito-woo-hoo!”

Adam Sandler: I don’ know. It’s been forever. How have you guys been?

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Trying to get my real estate license now. Who knows, we shall see-hoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Great! Good luck.

Mac: As for me, [Cut to Ring and Mac] I got a– got-a-divorce. Very messy.

Ring: She was screwing his best friend.

Mac: Ha-ha. Shut up!

Ring: You shut up!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Shut up! Come on! There’s kids here. Oh, my god, is that my nephew Shawn? He’s still at the kids’ table.

[Shawn is sitting at the kid’s table with two other kids]

Shawn: What’s wrong? Want some McDonald’s? Will somebody get this kid a happy meal?

[Cut to Pete with a mic announcing]

Pete: Excuse me. May I have everyone’s attention, please. Hello, Sandlers.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Pete: I just wanted to say, big hand for Ron Bacon and Janet Sandler Bacon for planning this whole thing.

[Cut to Janet and Ron]

Janet Sandler Bacon: Our pleasure. A-habida-dibada-doo!

Ron Bacon: Yes, yes. You know, I’m still not great at this, you all are doing an little invisible Clarinet thing. Is that what it is? It doesn’t matter. Slibida-bib-bap!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We’re so happy to have cousin Adam this year. Watch what you say about him because you might end up in one of his movies.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: What? I don’t use your guys for material.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I don’t know about that, Adam. Because now I saw a movie where you picked someone who looked just like me. I seen that on the big ‘ol screen and said, “Hey, that’s me up there”.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: No, I promise you, Bobby, Bouchet is not based on you.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know that, dear, I was talking about the Big Daddy movie.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Not that either. I can promise you.

[Cut to Chubbs]

Chubbs: I know Happy Gilmore, the Chubbs was based on me. How do I know this? A, my first name is Chubbs. B, I have a fake hand. And C, I’m a golf instructor. It’s all in the hips. You stole that from me.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: All right, maybe a borrowed some stuff from you guys. I swear to you, I didn’t do that a lot.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yes, sure you didn’t. Everybody’s enjoying the party.

[Beck joins Pete]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Excuse me. Are we going to do the karaoke now?

Pete: Oh, no! The Karaoke is canceled.

Beck Bennett: Oh, okay. Cool. Once again, something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: I’m going to go say hi to my mother, wish me luck. [Adam walks to his mom] Hi ma, great to see you. What do you think of the reunion? This is a whole family–

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: They’re not laughing, they love me.

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Come on, ma, be nice.

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: No!

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Ma, stop.

Mom: No

Adam Sandler: Shut up!

Dad: Why don’t you shut up.

[Dad comes in]

Adam Sandler: Papa. How are you doing?

Dad: [Speaking things that’s not understandable, but Adam Sandler is understand]

Adam Sandler: Oh!

Dad: That’s right, but the doctor says it’s nothing to worry about.

Adam Sandler: Oh, good.

Dad: How about I sing the Sandler family song. I wrote it 70 years ago.

Adam Sandler: No, nobody wants to hear that. I wouldn’t want to do that. And nobody wants to hear that.

Dad: I just want to. I would be great if I did that.

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights

Adam Sandler: I agree with mother. Let’s take a picture. Yo, come on, Colbert. Snap us. [Cut to everybody getting together for a family picture] Everyone get in. Okay. Come on. Stop looking at me. Shawn. Come on, take the picture. Take it. Ready? One, two, three.

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

The View: Jenny McCarthy on Vaccines – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Whoopi Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joy Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Megan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Jenny McCarthy… Emma Stone

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Let’s get ready to rumble.

[Cut to everybody in The View set]

Whoopi Goldberg: Hello, hello, hello. This is The View. [Cut to Whoopi] I’m Whoopi Goldberg and I’m as surprised as you that this show is a fit for me. Later we’ll be talking toes, why so nasty? But up first, today’s hot topics, President Trump tweeted that he is considering dumping illegal immigrants into sanctuary cities. Are these the type of policies we can look forward to now that Kirstjen Nielsen is out? [Cut to Whoopi and Abby] Abby Huntsman, we’ll start with you.

Abby Huntsman: [Cut to Abby] You want to start with me? Okay. Homeland Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will always be known as the lady who puts kids in cages. And as a human mother, I don’t like that. But as a conservative daughter, I got to ask, why are we ignoring the weird ‘J’ in Kirstjen’s name? And what else is she hiding? Oops! Did I talk too long, Whoopi?

[Cut to Whoopi and Abby]

Whoopi Goldberg: You did good. You did good, baby.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Is it my turn? Oh, yeah. Hot tick alert. I don’t like Trump. Trump, Trump, what a chump. Trump, Trump, what a dump. Okay, look, it’s my 2000th show. At this point I get paid by the word.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Mr. Trump, what are you doing to families at the border? It is shameful. It is nasty. It is broccoli in the microwave. I don’t like it. I don’t want to see it because it is shameful. It is nasty. It is—oh, no. I got stuck in a loop. Sorry.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can I just say something as the princess of Arizona? There is a crisis at the border, and the border is right up in my Arizona, which was founded on sunburnt women selling turquoise jewelry, not rando Mexicans. And that’s not racist because my make up artist is gay.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Okay. This is the problem, you’re demonizing entire countries full of nice people.

[Cut to Joy and Megan]

Megan McCain: Okay, I did not say that.

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me talk?

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me talk because it’s actually your job to listen to me.

[Cut to Joy. She is angry. The lights are focused on her][Dramatic music plays]

[Cut to Megal peeking at her]

[Cut to Abby looking at them with a pack of popcorn]

[Cut to Ana taking a video of them with her cell phone]

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, okay. Okay, stop it. [Cut to everybody] We not going to do this. This is the ‘The View’. We are five best friends with nothing in common.

Abby Huntsman: Okay. We need to reset. Everybody close your eyes. Now open them. Paul Rudd is 50. What?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: If Paul Rudd’s 50, I’m dead.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Paul Rudd looks so young because he’s a good person. This is Paul Rudd at 50. [Cut to a picture of Paul Rudd] [Cut to Ana] And this is Steven Miller as a baby. [cut to picture of a baby body with Steven Miller’s face] [Cut to Ana] He will eat you from the inside.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Absolutely.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Our guest today is the vixen of anti-vax. Please welcome former ‘View’ co-host Jenny McCarthy.

[Cut to Jenny entering the stage from a door][Music playing]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, my god. [Jenny sits on her chair]

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Welcome back, Jenny.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, it’s good to be back, Whoop. Do you still do that thing where you kick each other under the table?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: No.

Jenny McCarthy: Ow. [Looks at Joy]

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: So, Jenny, you’ve been at the forefront of the anti-vaccination movement for years. But what was the tea on the mast singer? Did you know that the pineapple was Tommy Chong?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: No. I actually thought it was Barack Obama.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Ana Navarro: Okay. Back to the anti-vax thing.

Jenny McCarthy: Yes. [Cut to Jenny] I don’t believe in vaccinations. My doctor is Google. My science is twitter, and my religion is Donny Wahlberg.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Megan McCain: Amen, sister.

Jenny McCarthy: I mean [Cut to Jenny] these vaccinations are so unnecessary like the polio vaccine. How many people do you know with polio?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: None, because we get vaccinated.

Jenny McCarthy: And that’s your opinion.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: But what about the measles outbreak? I mean you have to vaccinate your kids.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Well, I think reddit would disagree, and that’s why I’m organizing a rally against measles with all the people who aren’t vaccinated, hundreds of us in a big group, marching down the center of the city.

[Cut to Whoopi acting concerned]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay. When exactly is that?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: That’s the weekend.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: I will be out of town.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: But what the left fails to understand is that vaccinations are a personal liberty issue.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Great, let them go extinct.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can you let me talk?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can I punch you in the face?

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: No, no, no. We’ll be back. This is The View. No.

[Ends with an outro]

Ladies Room – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Emma Stone

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in a room. The music is playing.]

Ego Nwodim: Oh-oh.

Cecily Strong: I had to leave my one bedroom, two bath rental to come to this?

Leslie Jones: Sorry, girl, but you had to get here.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. These women have their hands all over your man.

Cecily Strong: Ooh, I cannot hear this today. This makes me much, much, crazy insane. And girlfriend, you know I’m already most of the way there.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. Didn’t your psychiatrist say he wouldn’t take your money anymore?

Cecily Strong: Listen girls, I’m not going to stoop to the level of a J-A-W. Jackass woman. Because things might get crazilus.

Leslie Jones: Crazilus? Did you mean to say that?

Cecily Strong: No. Let’s go somewhere where we can talk in private.

[Cecily, Emma and Leslie start dancing and moving]

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: You do not need this.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: He owes you everything.

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: He was gay before he met you.

Everybody: We’ll be back pretty soon

Emma Stone: He has his green card because of you.

[A band comes in the room]

Everybody: Oh, oh, oh, oh

Emma Stone: It’s your brother and his electric dancing chair.

Everybody: I don’t know but I think there’s something up with your man
Something up with your man
cause he’s out there bragging that he just bought a purple Trans-Am.
That’s his mama’s car.

I’m going to meet you in the ladies room.

Cecily Strong: These women just keep pushing me.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: But you’re mad at him too, right?

Everybody: I’m going to meet you in the ladies room

Cecily Strong: No, just those nasty, nasty women

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Leslie Jones: I think your anger is misplaced

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

We’ll be back real soon.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey! [Music stops] What the hell is going on in here?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: We’re all dancing in the ladies room.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Shut up.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Her man has been giving her headaches, so we’re discussing it in the ladies room.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily Strong: But I’m not mad at him. Just those CHWs, those chicken-headed women.

[Cut to the women]

Ego Nwodim: So get out of here, sir. This is a ladies restroom.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: This is not a restroom.

[Cut to the women]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yes, it is. It’s the ladies room at club Vortex.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: No, it is not. This is a fitting room at Limited Express.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Then why did I go to the bathroom in there?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Why did you what? [Kenan runs to the door and looks in there] Oh, my – this is a mess all over this room. Didn’t you see there wasn’t no toilet in there? Huh? This is a fitting room. There is so much mess. How many of y’all went?

[Cut to the women. They all raise their hands.]

Leslie Jones: I went five times because I drank two boxes of wine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: What is wrong with you people? This is Limited Express. Why don’t you know that?

[Cut to the women]

Cecily Strong: Since when it is a Limited Express and not club Vortex anymore?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Since Christmas. It was in the paper. They got shut down for serving tainted burger meat.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Who keeps up with all that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: There wasn’t no toilet in the room.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: I wondered why I was going in front of a three-way mirror. What kind of ladies room is that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Again, this is not a ladies room. And what is your deal anyway, man? You’re not even a lady.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: No. I’m eye candy. Plus this is my chair that I own.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Get out before I call the police. Man, I got to clean this whole thing up before 6 AM.

[Cut to everybody] [Music starts playing, everyone is leaving while dancing]

Everybody: We’re gonna meet you in the ladies room.

Kenan Thompson: You are kidding me. Every single stall?

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Kenan Thompson: No, you won’t. You are banned.

Leslie Jones: I have to pee before I leave.

SNL Host Kit Harington Plays Out Leslie Jones’ Game of Thrones Fantasy | Season 44 Episode 17

Leslie Jones

Kit Harington

[Starts with Leslie Jones trying to act like Hodor in the ‘Hold the Door’ scene]

Leslie Jones: Hold the door! Hold the door! We all gonna die! They gonna get us. We not gonna last. This ogre made out of ice.

[Leslie has a dragon puppet in her one hand]

[Growls][Growls]

Wall! [Imitating wind blowing] Oh, [Bleep] the cup! [Leslie Jones removes the cup from the table] [Growls]

[Cut to Leslie Jones sitting on a chair]

I assume, my lord, you are here to bend the knee.

[Cut to Kit Harington]

Kit Harington: I am not.

Leslie Jones: Well, [Cut to Leslie Jones] that’s unfortunate.

Kit Harington: Leslie, uh, [Cut to Kit Harington] [Background music stops] what are we actually, uh, doing here? I mean, I’ve been here for four hours but you just intercepted me at and gave me these, these — are these oven mitts?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Yes, they’re oven gloves!

[Cut to Kit Harington]

Kit Harington: Is this even for the show?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: No, this is my fantasy, okay? I tricked you.

[Cut to Kit Harington]

Kit Harington: You know what? I’m done.

Leslie Jones: Oh, you better not. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Don’t walk away from me, Kit.

[Cut to Kit Harington]

Kit Harington: Yeah? What you gonna do? [Kit Harington leaves]

Leslie Jones: Oh, you about see what I’m gonna do.

[Cut to Kit Harington is walking in front of Leslie Jones. They are acting like the walk of shame of Cersei in Game of Thrones.]

Shame!

[People are throwing stuffs at Kit Harington]

Kit Harington: This isn’t even accu–

Leslie Jones: Shame.

Kit Harington: Are those donuts?

Leslie Jones: I love donuts, Jon Snow!

Kit Harington: My name’s Kit.

Leslie Jones: No it’s not, not today it ain’t. Shame! Ooh!

Kit Harington: When am I meeting Lorren?

Leslie Jones: Soon, soon, Jon Snow. Shame! Shame! [Leslie Jones puts doughnut in Kit Harington’s mouth]

♪ Kit Harington on SNL ♪

♪ This week, Jon Snow ♪

Nephew Pageant | Season 44 Episode 17

Aunt Patty… Aidy Bryant

Joshua… Kit Harrington

Aunt Carla… Cecily Strong

Devon… Kyle Mooney

Aunt Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Lucas… Mikey Day

Aunt Ro… Leslie Jones

Daniel… Chris Redd

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Nephewe Pagent intro]

Narrator: Live from the Saint Rose of Lima Auditorium and Sports Center, it’s the 2019 Nephew Pageant.

[Cut to Aunt Patty in the stage]

Aunt Patty: [Singing] Oh, who’s that boy, he’s clever and fun, he’s my sibling’s son.

This is Nephews 2019

Good evening and welcome to the 19th annual Nephew Pageant. I’m your host, Aunt Patty. Why celebrate nephews? Well, they’re fun little scamps and they’re not yours. Here to ask the questions is last year’s winner, Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua walking to the stage]

Joshua: Hi! Did I do it right?

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Oh, perfect. How has your year been?

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Um, pretty good. My neighbors got a great dane and it’s the same weight as my dad.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Wow, Joshua. That’s cool! Well, now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Here to present our first nephew, she’s been a lot nicer since she started smoking again. It’s Aunt Carla.

[Cut to Aunt Carla]

Aunt Carla: The year, 2002. The place, Mercy Hospital. The event, the birth of my nephew Devon.

[Devon joins Aunt Carla]

Aunt Patty: It’s the only pageant for the nephews of the USA.

Devon just got his braces off and knows how to flaunt it.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Devon, your question is, what does it mean to be a nephew to you?

[Cut to Devon]

Devon: Well, umm, I guess it’s like a niece but for a boy.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Correct!

[Cut to Devon. Aunt Patty joins Devon.]

Aunt Patty: Now you’re just showing off, do you have a special talent?

Devon: I can fix the printer.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: To present our next nephew, she’s been banned from weight watchers for lying too often. It’s Aunt Eileen.

[Cut to Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Eileen: He’s quiet in church and he taught me emojis. My nephew Lucas.

[Lucas joins Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Patty: Nephews are heaven’s flowers

A nephew is a song you can hug

Happy birthday to all the nephews

Lucas is not into geodes as he used to be, so please stop sending him geodes.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Your question, if you could be any nephew from history, who would it be and why?

[Cut to Lucas]

Lucas: Umm, my uncle Thomas because even uncles can be somebody’s nephew.

[Aunt Patty joins Lucas]

Aunt Patty: That’s gorgeous! Good job, Lucas. [Lucas leaves the stage] Now, here is something about me. When my nephew Dylan first got a detention at school, I sobbed so hard that they took me to the hospital.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Now here to present our final contestant, she’s suing her former psychic. It’s Aunt Ro.

[Cut to Aunt Ro]

Aunt Ro: Twice a year I mailed him a check, my nephew Daniel.

[Daniel joins Aunt Ro. Daniels is walking on crutches.]

Aunt Patty: Nephews, nephews, they’re everywhere and sweet

big ones, small ones, teeny and tall ones

I’ll send you 20 bucks in the mail

Daniel absolutely shattered his leg doing back flip in the dorm room.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Daniel, what’s your proudest moment so far?

[Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: Umm, well, it’s either the time I stole so much wrapping paper that I got to take a limo to school or when I pulled my mom out of that burning river.

[Aunt Patty joins Daniel]

Aunt Patty: Oh, that is a toss-up. Thank you, Daniel. And lest we forget our supporting players, let’s take a moment for all the nieces and pets.

[Nieces come to the stage with pets and leave]

Nephews are gold, nieces are silver and pets they are the bronze

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Good job nieces and pets. And now the winner. Judge, who will it be?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: Which one, judge?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy wins.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Say a name, judge.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: What? Oh, I got to do it next year too! You really are the number one Neph. That’s it for this year. Good night.

It’s the only Pageant for the nephews of the USA