Tag: season 46

The Bachelor

Ben K … Beck Bennett

Hannah C. … Heidi Gardner

Hannah Alexis C. … Chloe Fineman

Adele

Lauren Holt

[Starts with ‘The Bachelor’ intro]

Male voice: Tonight on abc, it’s a special bonus season of ‘The Bachelor’. And this time he’s 5’11″… and a half!

[Cut to Ben K]

Ben K: Hey, there. I’m Ben K. When I was in high school, I threw a shopping card at a gay kid’s head. But now I’m here ready to final up. And there’s so many incredible girls to choose from.

[Cut to introduction of the ladies]

Hannah C.: Hi. I’m Hannah C. I’m 20. And I have the oldest face for young person you’ll ever see.

Hannah Alexis C.: Hey, I’m Hannah Alexis C. I’m 21 and next year, I’ll be 22.

Adele: Hi, I’m Adele Adkins. I’m 32. You may know me for being the singer Adele. I’m here coz I’ve had a lot of heart break in my life. First at 19 and then sort of famously at 21 and then even more famously at 25. But I have a relly good feeling about Ben K. It’s only night one, yes. But I can already tell he’s going to be the next love of my life.

[Cut to the show where Ben K is talking to the girls.]

Ben K: Hey, girls. I just want to say this has been such a great night. I really enjoyed laughing with each and everyone of you. Even though none of us ever said a joke once. [all girls laughing] And this was a hard decision but I’ve decided to give the first impression to Hannah C.

Adele: Wait, what? You’re giving it to Hannah C.?

[music starts playing. The lights dim and the focus light is on Adele. She stands and walks up front to sing.]

[singing] I heard that you’re settled down
that you found a girl and you’re married now

Ben K: Adele?

Adele: I hear that your dreams came true.

Ben K: Adele! Adele! [music stops] Hey, sorry. I am not married to Hannah C. It was just the one rose. You’re still in this.

Adele: I am?

Hannah C.: Yes, girl. There’s like, 40 episodes left. So, I’d pace yourself emotionally. Coz we’ve been here for 10 minutes and you’ve already sung that a few times.

Adele: Oh god. Sorry about that. Sorry.

[Cut to Ben K]

Ben K: Yeah, I’d say out of all the girls in the house so far, I probably have the most in common with Hannah C and the least in common with pop superstar Adele. But our relationship is the one that’s moving the fastest mainly because Adele is making you do that.

[Cut to Ben K and Adele in the park]

Ben K: Adele, you look so nice tonight.

Adele: Thank you. You look pretty amazing too. In fact I’d guess I’d sort of say …

[music starts playing]

Ben K: Oh, we’re singing again.

Adele: [singing] You look like a movie, you sound like a song
my god this reminds me, of when we were young
Let me photograph you in this light

Ben K: Adele! Adele! Adele! [music stops] Can we just talk? This is really more of a talking show.

Adele: Oh, I keep forgetting about that. Sorry.

[Cut to Hannah Alexis C. at the back stage]

Hannah Alexis C.: You know, I absolutely love being on ‘The Bachelor’ but it has been sort of hard to get alone time with Ben with so many other girls in the house. Including Adele. Specially Adele. The problem is Adele.

[Cut to Ben K and Hannah Alexis C. in the park]

Hannah Alexis C.: It’s so nice to finally have some alone time with you.

Ben K: I know. So, why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?

[As Hannah Alexis C. is going to answer, music starts playing. This annoys both Ben K and Hannah Alexis C.]

Hannah Alexis C.: Oh, my god!

Adele: [singing] Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet

Hannah Alexis C.: Okay, Adele! [music stops] No, okay? It has not been years since you’ve seen Ben. You’ve been singing to him all night.

Adele: Oh my god. I know. You’re so right, Hanna. I’m being a right prick yet again. I will leave you two alone. Good bye.

[Adele leaves]

Hannah Alexis C.: [sigh] This is so much better.

Ben K: Yes. So much better.

Hannah Alexis C.: Though, I do feel kind of weird that I yelled at the actual Adele to go away.

Ben K: I wouldn’t worry about it.

Hannah Alexis C.: Why?

Ben K: Because she’s back. I can see her in the bushes right behind us.

[Cut to Adele hiding behind the bushes]

[music starts playing]

Adele: [singing] Hello from inside this bush

Hannah Alexis C.: [annoyed] I am going back into the mansion.

[Cut to Adele]

Adele: So, I think night one’s been an absolute smash, but I’m starting to get the feeling that I might be coming on a bit strong. I think Ben K sort of likes that more laid back American vibe. So, for the rest o the night, I’ve decided that I’m going to play it really, really chill and cool.

[Cut to Ben K and Adele talking at the party.]

Adele: You know, if you want to talk to someone else, it’s totally fine.

Ben K: Really?

Adele: Yeah. I don’t even know if I even really like you that much. If it works out, it works out.

[Lauren walks in]

Lauren: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Adele immediately breaks the wine glass in her hand]

[music starts playing]

Adele: [singing] There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ‘head and sell me out and I’ll lay your ship bare

Lauren: Okay, I’m a huge fan but I don’t feel safe with her here.

Ben K: Okay, you know what? I know there’s still 20 minutes left in the show but I think we got a call with you, Adele. It’s been a very intense night and I think you should leave the mansion.

Adele: I don’t know if I’d call this a mansion. But I understand. Good luck, ladies. And thank you, Ben. And I will now leave and I will go quietly. I promise. There will be no more drama from me.

[Adele just walks away]

Lauren: Well, that’s so sad.

Ben K: I know. I kind of wanted her to finish ‘Someone Like You’.

Lauren: Wait, I think I can see her coming back. [music starts playing] Yep, there she is.

[Adele walks back with a mic]

Adele: [singing] I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

[everyone stands up and starts rocking their bodies to Adele’s song]

I had hoped you’d see my face
And that you’d be reminded that for me, it isn’t over

All: Yes, she is singing it!

Adele: Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
“Don’t forget me, ” I beg
I remember you said
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”

Thank you everyone. Catch me next week on ‘Love Island’.

Madame Vivelda

Spencer… Bowen Yang

Anne… Adele

Tiffany… Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Psychic… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with visitors walking in the psychic’s place]

Spencer: Oh my god, this place is so cool.

Anne: I know. I always wanted to get a psychic reading.

Tiffany: My god, is anyone here? I really want to get one.

[The psychic walks in]

Psychic: You want to see the future? Sit and I will tell you what lies ahead [the visitors take seats] for Madame Vivelda knows all.

Ego: Oh yes, that would be great.

Tiffany: Yes, this year has been so insane and hard. We kind of want to skip ahead and just see what next year holds instead.

Spencer: Yeah. 2019 has sucked but I think 2020 is going to be our year.

Psychic: Um, okay. Who wants to go first?

Tiffany: I’ll go. [Psychic starts reading Tiffany’s palm] Madame Vivelda, things are getting kind of serious with my boyfriend and I’m curious if you see us moving in together next year?

Psychic: Okay. Let me see. Let me look. Okay, yes, I see you. You are in your home and your boyfriend is there. Yes, you are there in the home you share together. Okay. Yes, I see he is washing a bag of doritos with soap and you are screaming at him. You’re crying and you’re screaming. You’re screaming, “That’s not enough soap. You need to use more soap. I don’t want to get it from a bag of chips.”

Tiffany: What? Get what from chips?

Psychic: The vision is gone. Who wants to go next?

Tiffany: Wait, I still want to know why I’m washing chips next year.

Anne: Madame Vivelda, I’ll go. I’m sort of up for a big promotion in March and I’m wondering if you see anything work related for me.

Psychic: Yes, okay. Let me see. [Psychic starts reading Anne’s hand] No. I do not see work. I see you on the phone with a man from FedEx and you are crying. You’re saying, “Where is my adult coloring book? I need my adult coloring book.”

Ego: Wait, Anne, do you color?

Anne: No, of course I don’t color.

Ego: It’s okay if you do.

Anne: I don’t color. Her psychic vision just must be off. It doesn’t sound anything like me. I like going to museum and concerts and stuff like that.

Psychic: No, no. I see no concerts in 2020. Only coloring. Monday, coloring. Tuesday, coloring. All the days, coloring. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Okay, who’s next?

Spencer: I guess me, but I don’t know if I want to go anymore.

Anne: Yeah. I mean, let’s just get out of here.

Psychic: No, no. [pointing at Spencer] You, you. Give me your palm. I actually sense a lot of fun travel in your future.

Spencer: Oh, you do? Okay, good. Actually, me and my boyfriend are planning to fly to Paris in May.

Psychic: Ah, that’s fun. But no. I don’t see you flying to Paris. I see you driving to Kentucky. Yes. And you are peeing inside a bag in the car because you are afraid to use the gas station bathroom. So, you pee in the bag, he pees in the bag and on and on until Kentucky

Anne: Wait, why does he go to Kentucky?

Spencer: Yeah. What do we do in Kentucky?

Psychic: Ah, let’s see. Yes, yes. Okay. Oh, on the first day, you notice a small rash on your finger and you spend the day crying and googling ‘is rash on finger part of it?’

Spencer: Part of what?

Ego: Oh my god. All your vision mentions us crying. Do we just cry for all of 2020?

Psychic: No, not always. For example, [pointing at Anne] I can see you on your birthday and you’re very happy. You get everything you asked for.

Anne: Oh, I do? What do I ask for?

Psychic: Stamps. You ask everyone in your life to buy stamps and they do. They all buy the stamps and you say, “Take that postmaster General Louis DeJo.

Anne: What? Why do I know the full name of the postmaster general in 2020?

Spencer: Okay, girls, listen. I know a lot of this sounds scary but hey, we all still have each other next year, right?

Psychic: Oh. My poor Spencer. No, you won’t. Because in June, you will do something so terrible, your friends will never speak to you again.

Spencer: Oh my god. What do I do? You eat inside a restaurant.

Anne: Hey, that’s it?

Ego: He just eats in a restaurant and we cut him out of our lives completely?

Psychic: Exactly.

Spencer: Okay, I don’t know why it’s bad but I’m so sorry I do that, girls.

Girls: No, we’re sorry.

Psychic: No, no. What is this? I am seeing one final vision and it is very dark. Who here is Tiffany Tuban?

Tiffany: I am.

Psychic: Yes. I am seeing your father, Tiffany. And he’s on a Zoom and his wiener’s out on the Zoom.

Tiffany: What? What even is a Zoom?

Psychic: I do not know but your father is definitely on it and his wiener is definitely out and it’s not a great wiener, Tiffany. Eh! No, actually I see it’s getting harder. It’s actually fine.

Anne: Okay, we gotta go. This is too much.

Psychic: Okay, but girls do me a favor. If any of you see J.K. Rowling, please tell her stick to the books.

Final Debate Cold Open

Kristen Welker… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Kristen Welker at her set]

Kristen Welker: Good evening. I’m Kristen Welker and it is the honor of a lifetime to moderate the second and praise Jesus, final presidential debate. Tonight we have a mute button because it was either that or tranquilizer darts and the president is a very high tolerance for those after his covid treatment. So, please welcome President Donald Trump and former vice president Joe Biden.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden walking in the stage.]

Good evening, gentlemen, and welcome to the debate. Are we ready to begin?

Joe Biden: Yes. But first, how does this mute button work? Do I just haul off and slap him in the mouth?

Kristen Welker: No, Mr. Vice President, we’ll take care of that on our own.

Joe Biden: Are you sure? Because I think everybody would love to see me do it.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Really, you think you’re some kind of tough guy coz of all that money you got from China?

[Joe Biden walks towards Donald Trump to fight but gets stopped by Kristen Welker]

Kristen Welker: Uh-uh-uh. [Kristen Welker is pointing at a button on her table] I’ll push it. I’ll push it. It’s not connecting to anything but I will push it. Now our first question on the coronavirus is for President Trump. More than Rudy Giuliani0,000 Americans are in the hospital tonight with covid. How would you lead the country during the next stage of this crisis?

Donald Trump: What a nice question. Thank you, Hoda. Or can I just say you are really doing a great job.

Kristen Welker: Wow. It is creepier when you’re nice. But thank you.

Donald Trump: No, really, you’re taking really good care of us tonight. Now, could you just tell us about the specials please?

Kristen Welker: No, Mr. Trump, I am the moderator. Not your waitress.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Just some waters then, okay? Anyway, coronavirus are boring. Right? But we’re doing terrific. We’re rounding the corner. In fact we’re rounded so many corners. We’ve gone all the way around the block and we’re back but we’re back where we started in March.

Joe Biden: Come on, man. We’re in the middle of the third wave. Where I come from, if a girl give you a third wave, you were practically married. Doesn’t even know what time it is. It’s half past ‘come on, man!’

Donald Trump: No. It’s not a wave. A wave goes like this. [gesturing the wave form] And this is going like this. [gesturing the chart rising] Okay? And sure, there’s been a tiny coronavirus spike in Florida. And a tinsy spike in Arizona and a toonsy-woonsy in North Dakota, but who cares? A lot of people don’t know this but we’ve got another Dakota there somewhere.

Joe Biden: [talking to himself] Just breathe, Joe. If you don’t breathe, you’ll die.

Donald Trump: And just a couple of weeks. If you’ll vote for me, the vaccine will be here and will be distributed by the military.

Kristen Welker: I’m sorry. You said the military will distribute the vaccine?

Donald Trump: That’s right. The army will come and shoot it with a cannon into your face. Look, I had it. It was very mean to me. But I beat it. And now the doctors say I can never die. This virus said to me, “Sir, I have to leave your body.” The virus was crying, very sad. It didn’t want to leave my body. And the point is we’re all learning to live with it.

Joe Biden: Learning to live with it? We’re learning to die with it, man.

Kristen Welker: Oh, looks like Mr. Biden is so mad, he’s Eastwooding it a little bit.

Joe Biden: That’s right. Now, I believe the little lady asked you about a plan. Why don’t you enlighten us?

Donald Trump: I have a plan. It’s the most beautiful plan you’ve ever seen.

Joe Biden: You don’t even have a plan for me. First I’m creepy. Then I’m sleepy. You say I have dementia. Then you say I’m a criminal mastermind. Which one is it, Chemo-sabi?

Donald Trump: Look, I can’t show you my plan. It’s under audit along with my taxes which I’ve prepaid just like a drug dealer’s telephone. And I take full responsibility for the coronavirus even though it came from China on a plan piloted by Nancy Pilosi filled with Mexicans which we shot down over pedo-island.

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t fall for that America. And I hate to curse in front of a woman but that’s a bunch of molarchy!

[right answer bell ringing]

Kristen Welker: And we have our first molarchy. If you’re playing Biden Bingo at home, take a shot. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Thank you, Padma. Look, people love how I’ve handled the Wu-Tang virus. If he was in charge, we’d all be in our basements and that’s where the haunted Annabelle doll lives, okay? A lot of people are saying that’s a very scary doll. She’s so scary, some are saying that’s the most scary doll. And that’s not cowardly. That’s just smart, okay? We can’t spend all day in the basement. Because we’re all not rich like Joe with all the money he got from China.

Joe Biden: Look at me. Do I look remotely rich? If I have money, where am I spending it? I live in Delaware. A night out is $28. Come on! I bought this suit on a train. Come on. If I had 3 million extra dollars, would I be taking the train to work? No. I’d be pulling up to the capital in a candy red trans-am and Kenny Loggins playing in the back. Not a recording. The real Kenny Loggins. Can I get a ‘come on’?

Kristen Welker: Come on! Oh! That is fun. Now, president Trump, you said a vaccine would be coming within weeks. Is that true?

Donald Trump: Anything can be weeks, okay? A month is five weeks. But a year is 36 or something. But I guarantee you the vaccine is coming somewhere between two and 700 weeks. okay? Tell them we have to wear the stupid masks and a little goggles, and we are making so many ventilators and I don’t want to get everybody excited. But if elected, I promise everyone in America will be on a big beautiful ventilator.

Kristen Welker: Okay, great. That segways to healthcare in a scary way. Vide President Biden, what is your plan if Obamacare is struck down?

Joe Biden: I have a plan. It’s called ‘Biden care’. It’s like Obamacare but Biden. It may not talk as smooth, it may need a little bit more sunscreen than the previous Melanin Rich plan, but damn it, it’s got heart and it works!

Donald Trump: My plan is perfect. It’s a beautiful, beautiful plan.

Joe Biden: Show us the plan.

Donald Trump: I mean this plan is LA-10.

Joe Biden: Give me the plan, man.

Donald Trump: Large naturals, high booty, bad attitude, but she cute.

Joe Biden: Not a plan. Not a plan. That’s a planless man.

Donald Trump: Excuse me. I’d love to show the plan. But I can’t because it’s under audit like my taxes. And if you don’t believe me, you can talk to my lawyer Rudy Giuliani

[Rudy Giuliani is shaking his hand inside his coat.]

Rudy Giuliani: What? No. It’s not what it looks like. My microphone was stuck on my balls. Is this another borat? You gotta tell me if it’s a borat.

Donald Trump: You’re in trouble now, Biden, because Rudy’s got a lot of sane and coherent information. It looks really bad for you, Joe. Tell him, Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani: Get ready for this truth bomb. Your son Hunter got $3 million from Moscow and his friend told me about the due, he has emails right there on the wet laptop from hell. And our eyewitness saw everything and he is blind.

Donald Trump: See? Even his nasty son is corrupt.

Joe Biden: [thinking in his mind] Don’t do it Joe. Don’t retaliate. Even though his kids are bunch of charity scamming right offs looking like they just came out of a two week Vegas [inaudible 00:08:Kristen WelkerRudy Giuliani] selling bad tubes to stupid people, children at the GMO chord.

Kristen Welker: Mr. Vice President, would you like to respond to that?

Joe Biden: No.

Kristen Welker: Very well. Then I’d like to move on to talking about race. Mr. President?
Donald Trump: Thank you Mindy, I love your project.

Kristen Welker: Oh, I can’t wait to hear this.

Donald Trump: Well, first of all, I am the least racist person in this room. I’ve done more for black people than anyone else except for maybe Lincoln. Black people love Lincoln and his cars. I see them driving his cars all the time. Sometimes there’s white people in the back, but not always. Thank you.

Joe Biden: You think you’re Lincoln because his nickname has the word ‘honest’ in it?

Kristen Welker: And mute. And that is about as well as the race section could have gone. As promised, I have saved exactly 60 seconds for climate change. Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Well, since we’re almost out of time, oil – no, wind – yes, fracking depends on what state I’m in.

Donald Trump: This guy and his wind. He loves wind. Look. I know about wind than anyone, okay? Wind kills all the birds, chops them right out like a magic bullet and turns them into bird guacamole. Okay? It makes golf shots go bad and sometimes it gets real fast and turns into a twister and throws a cow right on top of Helen Hunt.

Kristen Welker: Wow. Okay. Thank you, Mr. President for sharing your poem about wind. At this point, we’ve come to our final question and it’s for both of you. I want you to imagine your inauguration day. What will you say to Americans who did not vote for you?

Donald Trump: Well, if they didn’t vote for me, I guess I’d say, “Ola.” For the rest of them, I’d just say – just remember how good things used to be back before the China plague. We have the lowest unemployment numbers in all categories. Blacks, Asians, Latinxs, brunetts, MILFS, LGBTQAnon. In conclusion, New York is a ghost town. Kids love cages and Joe Biden is from Kenya. Thank you.

Kristen Welker: Mr. Vice President, your turn.

Joe Biden: Look, everybody. You know who he is and you know who I am. I’m good old Joe. I’m reliable as a rock. I’ve got a five star safety rating and I’m ranked best mid size in my class by JD Power and Associates. I don’t have a golden toilet seat. I have a soft spongy one that hisses whenever I park my keister. There’s only two things I do. I kick ass and I take trains. And I don’t see any trains in sight. And that ladies and gentlemen, is no malarchy.

[right answer bell ringing]

Kristen Welker: And with that malarchy, that’s bingo and I am drunk. Good luck, America.

Kristen Welker, Donald Trump and Joe Biden: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Election Ad

Kenan: Everyone knows this could be the most important election in our nation’s history.

Melissa: And the two choices couldn’t be more different.

Bowen: Do we want four more years of Donald Trump?

Ego: Or a fresh start with Joe Biden?

Punkie: Can we survive four more years of scandal, name calling and racial division?

Alex: Or do we want a leader who unites the country?

Pete: I wanna vote for Biden because he’s better, smarter, better and better. But I’m worried.

Beck: I’m worried too.

Bowen: Because if Donald Trump isn’t our president…

Ego: Then what are we gonna talk about?

Kenan: Like, what will our conversations even be?

Pete: Because the only thing I talked about for four years is Donald Trump.

Bowen: Every single day I tell someone, “Can you believe what Trump just said?”

Melissa: My entire personality is hating Donald Trump. If he’s gone, what am I supposed to do? Focus on my kids again? No, thanks.

Andrew: I argue with my dad everyday about Trump. Before this, we hadn’t spoken in years.

Punkie: I used to watch civil rights videos and wonder what it would be like to live in those times. Now, thanks to Trump, I get it.

Alex: What does the news even going to be about now?

Kenan: I am really worried for Rachel Maddow. What is she even going to talk about?

Pete: And what about Tweets? What am I going to send to my friends and be like, “This is the crazies thing I’ve ever seen?” And then one out of every 10, I’d be like, “This is legit funny. He is genuinely hilarious.”

Alex: Sure, he is historically bad for the country, but he gave us so much.

Beck: Injecting bleach in our blood.

Ego: Openly calling African nations [bleep] holes.

Melissa: “Kids in cages” wasn’t even a phrase before Trump.

Kenan: He changed the game.

Pete: He called the Attorney General he appointed ‘mentally retarded’. That’s some next level [bleep].

Kenan: I mean he started with an impression of disabled reported. That was the starting point. Best case scenario, Biden gets there at about like, year three.

Ego: That’s why on November 3rd, I’ll be worried.

Andrew: About the election, sure.

Melissa: The future of democracy or whatever.

Beck: But I’ll really be worried about my favorite villain disappearing.

Pete: Like, if they replaced the joker with Batman’s butler Alfred. Sure, Gotham would be more stable, but I’d rather watch the Joker blow up a hospital.

Kenan: And then I remembered that even if he loses, Trump isn’t going away.

Alex: Yeah. If anything, he’s going to get more vocal.

Ego: And angrier.

Pete: And crazier.

Kenan: And with all his crimes, there’s bound to be a trial at some point. And maybe Trump will represent himself in court. Okay, I gotta stop getting my hopes up.

Beck: And then who knows, maybe Donald and Ivanka will run together in 2024.

Ego: [interrupting] Uh-uh, what is wrong with you?

Andrew: Bro?

Beck: What? I was just throwing it out there.

Kenan: Now it’s going to happen and I’m going to hate you for it.

Pete: It would be hilarious though.

Male voice: Paid for by Trump Addicts of America. You know he’s bad for you but it’s hard to imagine life without him.

Chad in a Haunted Mansion

Chad… Pete Davidson

Ghost… Adele

[Starts with ‘The Haunted Manor’ intro.]

[Cut to a car runs out of gas in the middle of the road in forest. There’s no cellphone reception. The driver looks around. He sees a huge dark mansion by the side, below the glowing full moon. The driver goes in to the castle to ask for help.]

Chad: Hello?

Female voice: Who are you?

Chad: Chad.

Ghost: Welcome, Chad. Why don’t you stay a while.

[all the doors and windows shut close.]

Chad: Okay.

Ghost: Go to the light so I may see you better.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad walks to the mirror, he sees a woman with glowing eyes behind him]

Ghost: Hello, Chad.

[Chad turns around]

Chad: Wad up?

Ghost: Forgive my appearance. Years ago, I had a little accident.

[Ghost opens her pearl choker, showing her slit throat and it’s bleeding.]

Chad: Oh, no. Your neck.

Ghost: Yes. I’m afraid it’s quite a gash.

Chad: Ha-ha. Gash.

Ghost: You’re not afraid?

Chad: Nah.

Ghost: Follow me. There’s something I want to show you.

Chad: Okay.

Ghost: They all said that my death was suicide, that I slit my own throat.

Chad: Oh, no.

Ghost: But it wasn’t suicide, Chad. [screaming] It was Murder! [Ghost looks around to see if Chad’s scared, but he is not there.] Chad?

Chad: I’m taking a piss. [farts] Safety.

[Chad walks out]

Ghost: As I was saying, I was murdered by my husband and the proof is in there.

Chad: Okay.

[They walk inside the library]

Ghost: Ah, the library. Oh, how I love to read. Do you have a favorite book, Chad?

Chad: “Where’s Waldo”, the yellow one.

Ghost: I’m not familiar. Who’s the author?

Chad: Waldo.

Ghost: There on the desk, you’ll find a letter from my husband. [Chad looks at the letter. It’s dark, so he is holding a candle to read it.] Read it. That letter is more dear to me than you know. As you can see that clearly proves that my husband murdered me for my inheritance and when the public reads it the truth will be known and I can finally cross over to the after life. [Chad has already burned the letter by his clumsiness.]

Chad: Okay.

[Chad walks around. He sees a painting of Ghost and her husband]

Ghost: I see you’re looking at my portrait. Tell me, Chad, what do you see?

Chad: Tig old bitties.

Ghost: I see a woman trapped in loveless marriage. Even now I yearn to feel the tender kiss of true love. [Chad leans towards her to kiss her. He falls down. A medieval knight armor falls on him.] Oh my god. Chad, are you okay?

Chad: Yeah.

Ghost: Good. Now go make my truth be known. But be warned, [Ghost showing her scary face] if you fail me, I will be most displeased.

Chad: Okay.

Ghost: And Chad, thank you.

Chad: No doubt.

[Chad just walks through the bookshelf. Ghost is surprised. She looks around and finds Chad dead below the medieval knight armour.]

Ghost: Ah! For god sake!

 

Ass Angel Jeans

Maya Rudolph

Charlise… Adele

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Maya turning music on jukebox in a bar. She turns around and sees Charlise and gets stunned.]

Maya: Dang, Charlise, you look amazing in those jeans. And you smell great too. What’s your secret?

Charlise: Well, they’re my new Ass Anger Perfume Jeans, of course.

Maya: Perfume jeans? [Maya smells Charlise’s jeans] Umm, gorgeous. Can I get a pair?

[Charlise just closes her fist and uses her power. Now Maya has those jeans on as well.]

Sweet smell and booty. These jeans are from heaven above.

[cut to Beck singing]

Beck: [singing] She’s got an ass of an angel
they now just smells like one too
She’s got an ass of an angel
you can smell that it’s true

[cut back to Maya and Charlise]

Charlise: Ass Angel jeans are the only jeans that covers your secret little lady scents. Don’t worry girl, all I can smell is cinnamon sugar swirl.

Maya: He knows the booty looks like cake, but now it smells like one too.

Charlise: Blow off the candles and take a bite.

[Cut to Beck singing]

Beck: [singing] Perfumed aroma
and I’m talking back door
she’s got that ass of an angel
wanna smell it some more.

[Cut back to Maya and Charlise]

Charlise: Ass Angel Perfume Jeans are also made of lavender, rose and loads of awesome industrial chemicals.

Maya: That’s a whole lot of smell. I gotta sit down.

[Maya takes a set]

Charlise: Oh, no. Not on the furniture.

[Maya stands immediately]

Maya: What? Oh, wow, my butt bleached the seat.

Charlise: That’s the magic of the jeans of course.

Maya: Hey. I went to the bathroom earlier and it stung when I tinkled. Is that the jeans?

Charlise: Yah-hah. Do not wear these jeans if you have kidney or liver problems.

[Beck walks into the bar and meets Maya and Charlise.]

Beck: Smelling good, ladies.

[Beck touches Maya’s butt, and it burns him.]

Oh, that ass is hot.

Maya: And so is my front.

Beck: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sing.

[Cut to Beck, Maya and Charlise all singing]

Beck: [singing] She’s got the ass of an angel

Maya and Charlise: Ass of an anger

Beck: Do you smell my angel?

Maya and Charlise: Smell my angel

Beck: Do they wear jeans in heaven
that ass of my prayers

Female voice: Ass Angel jeans. Consult your doctor before purchasing.

Africa Tourism

Kate McKinnon

Adele

Joanne… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with with the intro]

Male voice: The following is a message from a tourism board of Africa.

[Cut to Blonde 1 and Blonde 2 walking on a beach.]

Blonde 1: Sun.

Blonde 2: Breeze.

Blonde 1: Ocean.

Blonde 2: Mountains and beautiful…

Both: … beautiful Africa.

Blonde 1: Witness the wonder. The escape, the story.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: The sandy beaches, the massive bamboo.

Blonde 1: The wildlife. The culture.

Blonde 2: The food. The night life.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

Blonde 2: And history and lush dangly foliage.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: Leave ordinary behind.

Blonde 1: After my divorce, I yearned for a new beginning.

Blonde 2: And we’re better new in crystal waters and sandy beaches of Africa.

Blonde 1: The humpback whales. The tall, tall tribesmen. The bamboo.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: After my divorce, I took in the breathtaking views and delicious cuisine of Africa.

Blonde 1: So, what are you waiting for? Set sail for Africa.

Blonde 2: All of Africa.

Blonde 1: Zimbabwe, Kenya.

Blonde 2: Ghana, Tanzania.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

Blonde 2: The sky. The coconut water.

Blonde 1: You’re gonna want that coconut water.

Blonde 2: Last night, I saw the face of god.

Blonde 1: After my divorce, I moved to Mombasa and was taken in by the Masai tribe where I was ordained as a minister of joy.

Blonde 2: Me too.

[Blonde 3 walks in.]

Blonde 3: Me three. Hi. I’m Joanne.

Blonde 1: Oh, that’s our name too.

Blonde 3: Right on. I first moved to beautiful Africa after my divorce. I met a wonderful friend on a computer. He invited me to a lovely ocean waters of Gambia.

Blonde 1: Oh, Gambia. So much bamboo.

Blonde 2: Beaucoup bamboo.

[two black men carrying a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 3: Once I got here, I knew I had to explore the rest of the magical, magical lands of Africa.

Blonde 2: Jungles. The mountains. The ranges.

Blonde 3: The rhythm. The drums. The pounding.

Blonde 1: The fanning yourself with a palm between rounds.

Blonde 2: I found such a deep, deep connection here.

Blonde 3: You can feel it in your stomach.

Blonde 1: Tell your travel agent you want to see Africa. All of it.

Blonde 3: From Angola to Jamaica.

Blonde 1: Not Egypt.

Blonde 2: Yes, very dry there. No bamboo.

Blonde 1: So leave the kids at home.

Blonde 2: Leave everything at home. Bring no one.

Blonde 3: Except yourself and some money and some men’s sneakers.

Blonde 1: And don’t tell anybody you’re going.

Blonde 2: To beautiful, beautiful Africa.

Blonde 1: Africa.

Blonde 3: Africa.

Blonde 1: You’re gonna want that coconut water.

Male voice: The number one destination for divorcées of a certain age. Africa. We’ll leave the light on for you.

Adele Monologue

Adele

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Adele.

[Adele walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Adele: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening and welcome to Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] Hello, it’s me. And my god, I’m absolutely thrilled to finally be hosting this show. Not only do I genuinely love this show, but the show that brought my career here in America 12 very long years ago. You see, I was a musical guest back in 2008 when Sarah Palin came on with miss Tina Fey. So obviously, few million people tuned in to watch it and well, the rest is now history. Now, I don’t know anything about American politics. I mean, I’m British. And I don’t want to say too political. So, I’ll just say this. Sarah Palin, babes, thanks for everything, yeah. Now, I know there has been a lot of chatter about me just being the host. I’ve seen all of it. Like, “Why isn’t she the musical guest?” and stuff like that. There’s a couple of reasons. My album’s not finished. And I’m also too scared to do both. I’d rather just put on some wigs, and this is all mine by the way, have a glass of wine or six and just see what happens. Who knows? I know I look really, really different since you last saw me. But actually because of all the covid restrictions and the travel bans, I had to travel light and I bring only half of me. This is the half that I chose. [cheers and applause]

Listen, I’m nervous. You know what I’m like. I always get very nervous on live TV. But tonight specially so because I swear a lot. Like ‘a lot’ a lot. And because I’m British, I tend to skip right on all those medium ones and go straight to the worst ones. Last time I was told not to swear, specifically during a live broadcast, I was playing glass ton bury and this is what happened.

[Cut to video clips of Adele’s live show where she is swearing a lot]

Honestly, I don’t even notice that I’m doing it anymore. But to keep myself in check tonight, we’ve got a swear jar. So, let’s check in on that and see how I’m doing so far. Kenan darling, where we at?

[Cut to Kenan. There’s a huge container instead of a jar and it’s filled with dollar bills.]

Kenan: Um, getting pretty full, Adele. This is just from when you said ‘hi’ to me back stage.

Adele: Oh, wow. Alright. Sorry. Well, let’s make sure that all that goes to charity.

Kenan: Oh, Adele. What would we do without Adele?

Adele: [laughing] Before we really start the show, I want to say a genuine, sincere thank you to the frontline workers who are all here down here in the audience. They say that once you’ve been to New York, you keep a little piece of it in your heart forever. So, I give up to you and give up to yourselves as well. Thank you. Right. Whether you’re here in the studio or watching t home, we’re going to be together for an hour and half. So, I really, really hope that you get as much joy of this as we’ve had putting it together for you. We’ve got a great show. H.E.R. is here. Divine H.E.R. is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Your Voice Chicago

Louis Tibbs… Kenan Thompson

Jamele Demmings… Issa Rae

Lisa Crowder… Ego Nwodim

D’Angelo Banks… Chris Redd

Crystal… Punkie Johnson

Caviar… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Your Voice Chicago intro]

[Cut to J. Louis Tibbs in his set]

  1. Louis Tibbs: Good morning. It’s your boy Chicago. I am J. Louis Tibbs coming to you on this Sunday at 7:30 AM. Right before a two hour commercial for a pot that you can cook a steak in. Joining me to talk local politics, our lead council for Chicago’s in AACP Jamele Demmings and a freelance writer for the Root, Lisa Crowder. Now, there’s so much talk about the national election. But today, we focus on the local candidates.

Lisa Crowder: Which are so important. Representation begins at the street level.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Indeed. Indeed. So, Jamele, any strategy that you’re using to vet some of these candidates?

Jamele Demmings: Louis, I’ll be honest. I’m voting for everybody black.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Everybody black?

Jamele Demmings: That’s right. For too long, our people’s voices have not been heard. It’s our duty to stand together and take out power back.

Lisa Crowder: Okay. I hear you.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Representation matters. So, let’s first look at cook county’s third district where four time incumbent Frank Polaski is running against 29 year old lawyer, Charlotte Raines. Now, Charlotte has no experience in politics.

Jamele Demmings: Which is exactly why we need her. This is what I’m talking about. New voices. It’s the only way any change will happen.

Lisa Crowder: Okay, I like that. You bet on black, girl.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Looks like we got out favorite there. Let’s go to district J. Louis Tibbs0 which features a billionaire. Incumbent Scott Trebor is running against Rashad Carter.

Jamele Demmings: A billionaire? Now, see, how can someone who’s so rich know anything about us? Okay? Money corrupts the whole system.

  1. Louis Tibbs: No. Actually, Rashad Carter is the billionaire. He owns a software company.

Jamele Demmings: Hmm. And I find that so inspiring. We need more entrepreneurs like that. We need more entrepreneurs like that in our community.

Lisa Crowder: Look, at least he pays his taxes.

Jamele Demmings: That’s right. I gotta go with the democrat on this one.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, Scott Trebor is the democrat. Rashad Carter is libertarian.

Jamele Demmings: Which is what I like about him. He’s an independent thinker.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay, great. Let’s go to the city comp patroller race between democrat Catherine Lacy and independent candidate, Reverend D’Angelo Banks. [Reverend D’Angelo Banks looks like a rapper and he’s posing like one.]

Lisa Crowder: No, sorry. I knew this man in elementary school. for some reason, he had a dukie stain on his shoulder. So, he’s a pastor now?

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, he has only been a reverend for eight months. And he has no church. He says that god has got him ‘on their way’. Let’s take a look at one of his recent Town Halls.

[Cut to reverend D’Angelo Banks speaking in his Town Hall. He is alone.]

D’Angelo Banks: Ay, to the man. Yes friends, the rumors are true. I spent money on a lot of strippers. But, you have to understand that was only because I owned a chain of strip clubs. But I put that life behind me right after the clubs were shut down for tax fraud, hallelujah. Outlaw masturbation, I don’t love it. Amen.

[Cut back to the studio]

  1. Louis Tibbs: Looks like their town hall took place outside of a dry cleaners. Alright, do we like reverent Banks?

Jamele Demmings: Absolutely.

Lisa Crowder: Oh, come on. He just said he committed tax fraud. The comptroller handles the city’s money.

Jamele Demmings: Which is perfect. He knows the system and all the loopholes. It’d be like hiring Wesley Snipes to do your taxing.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Let’s go over to district 6 where the district’s first Asian representative Daniel Lee is running against a conservative online duo that was featured on Fox News and recently spoke at the CPAC convention, Crystal and Caviar.

Lisa Crowder: I actually didn’t know it was legal to run as a team.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Oh, it’s not. Either way, their newest live stream video came out today. Why don’t we take a look.

[Cut to Crystal and Caviar’s video]

Crystal: The media is always putting out fake news.

Caviar: Always!

Crystal: They say our president lied.

Caviar: Come on!

Crystal: Well, he is not a liar.

Caviar: Well, sometimes he just exaggerates.

Crystal: Um-hmm. And they say we have to wear a mask in the grocery store.

Caviar: No!

Crystal: But I don’t need a mask coz I am blessed. [music playing]

Crystal and Caviar: [rapping] The mask is death, the mask is death
can’t go all day smelling my own breath

[Cut back to the studio]

  1. Louis Tibbs: Okay. Jamele, your thoughts on Crystal and Caviar?

Jamele Demmings: Give me a minute.

Lisa Crowder: I’m sorry, but these two have absolutely no way–

Jamele Demmings: Wait! I got it. Stay with me. These ladies are passionate. And we need more of that in politics, right?

Lisa Crowder: I guess.

Jamele Demmings: Daniel Lee has been in office for 18 years now. We want someone who’s been out there working in the real world.

  1. Louis Tibbs: Well, both Crystal and Caviar are unemployed.

Jamele Demmings: Which is why we need to give them jobs as state representatives. Lift them up.

Lisa Crowder: Okay. I’m lifting. But sometimes, it’s hard.

  1. Louis Tibbs: It’s actually not that hard. Now, we take a break, when we come back, we’ll talk about the presidential race between Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Kanye West.

Jamele Demmings: Kanye? F him!

Weekend Update- Trump Rallies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

This week, president Trump held more coronavirus giveaways across the country as part of his ‘Herd Immunity Tour’. He started in Florida and showed off how healthy his brain is saying this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: They say I’m immune. I feel so powerful.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Nothing says “I’m off steroids” like screaming “I feel so powerful.” Like sloth from ‘The Goonies’. Then at a rally in Pennsylvania, he told the mostly maskless crowd that they would all beat the coronavirus together. Said the crowd, “Yeah, but you don’t have it anymore, right?” Then at a rally in Georgia, a congressman literally crowd-surfed on the second wave of corona and yet, somehow, Trump seems to think that he could lose this election. Listen to this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Could you imagine if I lose? My whole life. What am I going to do? I’m going to say I lost to the worst candidate in the history of politics. I’m not going to feel so good. Maybe I’ll have to leave the country. I don’t know.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hey, don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep. Besides, I should point out, no other country would accept you because you come from America which has way too many COVID cases. Though, I have to say, would be very satisfying if this all ends with Donald Trump becoming an illegal immigrant. And to whatever country gets Trump, I just want to apologize because we’re not sending our best or a breast.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Town Hall interview of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: NBC held a Town Hall even with President Trump because, what can I say? We have a type. Who are these Town Halls even for? I mean, who’s still on fence about this election? Whether you’re voting for Trump or Biden, you’ve made up your mind a long time ago and you’re probably not thrilled about it. These choices are so bad that Kanye is running and people are like, “Maybe?” That wouldn’t happen if we had actual good candidates. I mean, Imagine if Kennedy lost to Nixon because Wisconsin went to little Richard. Alright, whatever.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Sculley at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: C-SPAN suspended host Steve Sculley after he admitted to false claiming that his Twitter account was hacked. Wow, just more juicy drama from those messy bitches at C-SPAN.

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘Giuliani manipulated by Russian intelligence’.]

According to Insiders, US intelligence agency warned the White House last year that Rudy Giuliani was the target of the influence operation by Russian Intelligence. I’m actually more worried about Russian Intelligence if their plan was to rely on the American Mr. Bean. Counting on Rudy to carry out your secret mission is like handing your grocery list to your dog. It was also revealed that after President Trump was warned that Rudy was being fed misinformation by the Russians, Trump just shrugged the shoulders and said, “That’s Rudy!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week President Trump also refused to condemn the conspiracy group QANON saying, “I know nothing about QANON”, which come on, how can you not know about QANON? You’re on Twitter all day. That means like if I’d say I know nothing about Lexington Steel. He has probably just never heard the word QANON out loud before. I bet when he got home, he was like, “Oh, you meant Canyon? I love those dudes!”