Tag: Venessa Bayer

Cinema Classics Their Own League

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Coach… Taran Killam

Katty… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Taraji P. Henson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese D’What? The Natural, Field of Dreams, movie celebrating America’s past time have inspired and entertained audiences for decades. Sadly tonight’s film entitled, “Their Own League” is a forgotten example of the genre. Why is it forgotten? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m not a good guesser. Ask my wife. She recently asked me to guess what she was going to do to me in bed. And I said, “I don’t know. Let me be.” Let us take a look at a scene from “Their Own League”.

[Cut to a scene from the movie]

[Cut to a coach yelling at his players. The players are females.]

Coach: You dang girls. How am I supposed to coach this team with nothing but a bunch of dang girls.

[Katty stands before Coach and wipes her tears]

Are you sobbing? There is no sobbing in baseball! This is pathetic. I’m gonna go drink Coca-cola that still has cocaine in it.

[Coach leaves. Cecily walks to Katty]

Cecily: Hey, don’t let him get you down, Katty. He’s just a big old bully.

Katty: Maybe he’s right. Maybe girls shouldn’t play baseball.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Of course he’s not right.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Yeah, we should be aloud.

Aidy: Yeah, we can play this game as well as any man.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: You mean it?

Cecily: I sure do! Now say it! Women can play baseball.

Katty: Women can play baseball.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Women can play baseball.

Aidy: Women can play baseball.

[Taraji walks in. She is wearing very lady-like dress and a hat.]

Taraji: So, can I play baseball?

[Everyone looks at her not wanting to answer the question]

[Cut to Taraji]

What? What is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: It’s just–

Kate: We kind of already have the woman thing. You know? Don’t really want to complicate it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Oh, I get it. It’s coz I’m black.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, no. It’s not that.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Then what is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, it’s that.

Katty: People are actually pretty ticked that we are doing it. Imagine if… you know it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Darling, face it. It’s coz you’re not a classic beauty like the rest of us.

Aidy: No, no.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: That’s not it.

Kate: Look, we’re gonna pave the way for black women in professional baseball. But it’s gonna take time.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. Come on, you know the plan. Like, first white women are allowed to play baseball. Then black men are allowed to play. Then all women are allowed to play under hand with a big softball like a child.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy and Taraji]

Bobby: Yeah. That’s a good plan.

[Leslie walks in. She is tall and looks more athletic.]

Leslie: What about me? Can I play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Oh, this blows coz we can really use her in our team.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy, Taraji and Leslie]

Aidy: Yeah, forget about the team. We could use her in the war.

Bobby: Yeah, send her overseas to kill some crouts.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie]

Leslie: So, You saying I could play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: Okay, okay. Here’s the thing. While our husbands are away, we are the racists.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie

Taraji: Look, ladies. Whether you like it or not, black, white, we are all women. And we’re all in this together.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: hey, maybe she’s right, girls. Maybe they should be allowed to play.

[Cut to everybody]

Taraji: Really?

Cecily: Yeah!

Girls: Yeah!

[Coach walks in]

Coach: Alright! Listen up. I got some good news. The war’s over. The men are coming home, so get off the dang field and never come back!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Sadly, Their Own League never made it to theaters as it was sued for copyright infringement by the makers of ‘A League Of Their Own’, which came out two years earlier. Youch! For Cinema Classics, I have been Reese D’What?

[The end]

Smart Home

Cecily Strong

Michael Keaton

Venessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a husband and wife in their house.]

Cecily: Oh, honey. I’m beginning to think our new neighbors aren’t gonna show up at our get together today.

Michael: Well, that’s surprising. You don’t think they want to get to know us?

Cecily: Well, let me just check outside the door, just in case.

[Cecily opens the door. There are few people outside the door.]

Oh, well. Honey, look. They’re all standing right out here. Now, were you all afraid to knock?

Venessa: Hi there, we’ve been ringing the bell.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Oh! That’s right. Our doorbell is currently disabled. And we’re in the process of turning our house into a smart-house.

[Cut to Cecily and the others]

Cecily: That’s right. Come on in. Welcome.

[The neighbors walk in]

Kate: Well, a smart-house? You know, that sounds so neat. What’s that intel?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: My husband is a professor. He’s great at science. Can I show them the toaster prototype?

Michael: Well, sure, sweetie. You got it going like this.

[Cecily brings in a red toaster. It looks really nice.]

Okay, now. This is a smart-toaster

[Cut to the neighbors.]

Beck: It don’t look any different from a regular toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Good eye. Great observation. He hasn’t added science to it yet.

Michael: Yeah, but once I do, it will be able to roll out to meet me wherever I am. And then it’ll use it’s rockets to shoot up and hover at eye level, to receive the toast.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kyle: Oh, okay. A floating toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Absolutely. And that’s not all. It will use percent to tell us how toasted your toast is. Like, it will say, “Mrs. Croford, your toast is 84% toasted.” And it will have human eyes to stare at you while it says that. Honey, turn it around so that they can see the eyes.

Michael: Sure.

[Michael turns the toaster around. It has two eyeballs.]

Now, there are just placed here until I’m able to connect the human eyes to it.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Oh, how nice.

Venessa: Oh, well, isn’t that something.

Kate: We should probably be going. We left our baby in a tub.

Kyle: That’s right. Um, we were giving our baby a bath.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, hang on. Just first listen to this other thing. [Cut to everyone] This is gonna be our smart couch.

Michael: Yeah, once I have it scienced to it, of course.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Oh, honey. They know that. Now, the idea here is that the smart couch will recognize you from your sitting on it.

Michael: Yeah. Now, how much do you think that’ll work? You, answer.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Um, I guess the couch recognizes your weight or something.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Ah! Wrong guess.

Cecily: Yes, exactly. Wrong guess. Every time you sit down, a small tube will go up into your back side to get to know you.

Michael: Yeah. All of our back side interiors are unique. Like, a thumbprint, or a snowflake.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: I don’t think I would like that.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: You’re telling me you wouldn’t like a couch that called you by your name?

Michael: I bet they’re worried about that tube that goes up inside.

Cecily: Oh, yeah. We’ve heard that before.

Michael: Yeah, tube isn’t that big. You shouldn’t notice it.

Cecily: No, it’s like a sports bottle straw, if you’re familiar.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: That still seems pretty intrusive.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Because it will have eyes on it, so it can see where it’s going.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: So, do you have to sit on the couch naked?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: [laughing] My word, no. Can you imagine? The tube is sharp enough so that it will go straight through your pants.

Michael: And as it comes back out, it secretes a small amount of pants glue to seal up the hole it made. Would you like for us to pretend to do it?

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: Pretend to do what?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, sit on the couch and have the tube recognize us, of course.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: No. I think we–

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Now, remember, I haven’t put any science on it yet. So, this is all still pretending.

[Cecily starts acting]

Cecily: Oh boy, have I had the day! I’m gonna sit on this couch and relax.

[Cecily sits on the couch]

Michael: Uh-huh! At this point a tube will come up.

[Michael pulls up a rod through the couch. It has eyes stuck to it as well.]

It will push in like this. Now, imagine, my wife sitting on this tube. It will look around, you know, to recognize it from the inside.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Oh, sweet reesy peesy.

Venessa: That’s bigger than a sports drink straw.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: [pretending to be the smart couch] Well, hello there Mrs. Croford. I recognize you from your inside.

Cecily: Oh! Isn’t that nice. I don’t feel a thing.

Michael: Well, that’s coz my tube has human eyes and it knows right where to go.

Cecily: Hey, my pants are gonna be all cut up from you, will they?

Michael: Definitely not. Just provide me 25 minutes to heat up my pants glue. Would you like me to begin that process now?

Cecily: Sure, I’ll sit here very still for 20 minutes while you heat that glue.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Now, we really do need to go. All of us at once.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael: Alright, alright! But hey, before you go, would you mind signing these non-disclosure agreement?

Cecily: You understand. It’s all patent pending.

Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: This says we agree to kill ourselves together.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Oh, man! Smart printer printed them wrong form.

Cecily: Alright. Well, just a second, guys. Let me get the printer tube.

[Cecily pulls out a large pipe with eyes]

Now, you won’t feel this. Who wants to go first?

Prom Queen

Norman Ostroburg… Michael Keaton

Pete Davidson

Eddie… Mike O’Brien

Kate McKinnon

Venessa Bayer

Rich… Bobby Moyninah

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a teacher teaching students in a classroom]

Norman: So, goal here would be to make the imaginary numbers less intimidating. Let’s move on to–

[Cut to Pete and Eddie]

Pete: Hey, man! You’re going to prom?

Eddie: Of course. Looking to win my 6th consecutive Prom King.

Pete: Dude, you gotta graduate.

Eddie: Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna be Prom King and whoever I choose to take is gonna be Prom Queen.

Pete: So, you think you could anyone to prom and they’ll be queen? Just because they went with you?

Eddie: Basically.

Pete: Yeah, I don’t know.

Eddie: 200 bucks. Name anyone in the school.

Pete: Anyone?

Eddie: Anyone.

[Cut to Kate playing with her pencil in her mouth. Pete and Eddie are behind her.]

Pete: Um, that girl. [pointing at Kate]

Eddie: What Mr. Ostroburg?

Pete: [looking funny] Yes!

Eddie: It’s too hard, man! The guy’s a dork.

Pete: If you don’t think you can do it, pay up now.

[bell rings]

[Cut to Norman reading his notes. The students are leaving. Eddie approaches Norman]

Eddie: Mr. Ostroburg?

Norman: Ya.

Eddie: Holy crap, some of the stuff you were saying today, it’s real as hell.

Norman: Please, Eddie, don’t cay crap nor hell, alright?

Eddie: Alright. Um, I didn’t really get some of the stuff about imaginary numbers.

Norman: Well, if you’re free during 7th grade, we could go over then.

Eddie: Not. I could come over house after school.

Norman: Ah, well, sure. I suppose that’ll be alright.

Eddie: Right? Great! Alright.

[Kate is looking at Norman]

Kate: My next class is in here.

Norman: Okay.

[Cut to Norman and Eddie in Norman’s house.]

Norman: Here you go.

Eddie: That’s B. I think I’m starting to actually get a little bit of this stuff.

Norman: Oh! You’re a smart kid, Ed.

Eddie: I’ve got a great teacher.

Norman: Thank you. Alright, let’s get back.

[Cut to Venessa walking in with a wine glass.]

Venessa: Well, it’s 7:Eddie0. So, I’m gonna turn in. Don’t stay up too late.

[Cut to Norman and Eddie]

Norman: Yeah, got it. Goodnight.

[Cut to Venessa. She just walks looking at them.]

[Cut to Norman and Eddie]

Eddie: Um, can I try something?

Norman: Sure.

[Eddie takes Norman’s glasses off. Eddie looks at him nicely then puts the glasses back on him.]

Eddie: I just kind of thought that’d be something different. Um, are you going to prom?

Norman: Yeah, for Shepra.

Eddie: Oh, I was wondering if you’d want to go with me instead.

Norman: Oh. Yeah, sure.

Eddie: Yeah?

Norman: Yeah.

Eddie: Great. That’s awesome.

Norman: Okay. Great.

[Eddie leaves]

Eddie: I’ll pick you up at 6.

[Cut to the teachers in the staff room.

Aidy: Rich, that’s crazy. You have all the hot gossip.

Rich: Please, that is nothing. You wanna hear something real juicy?

Aidy: Yes!

Sasheer: Dish it!

Rich: Eddie Galavan is taking a loser to prom and he $200 that he could make him Prom Queen.

[Norman overhears their conversation and is shocked.]

Sasheer: Eddie’s gonna turn some loser into Prom Queen?

Rich: I mean, he’s gonna try.

Sasheer: I cannot wait to see this.

[Norman storms out of the staff room]

Aidy: What a loser!

[Cut to Norman and Venessa in their house.]

Venessa: Norman. It’s 7:30. Doesn’t the prom start at 7?

Norman: Yeah. Um, moving along with the weather, so I got Ted to shop around.

Venessa: Oh, well. I’m gonna to my Vicks vapor rub and go to bed.

[Venessa leaves]

[door bell ringing]

[Norman opens the door. It’s Eddie soaking wet in the rain.]

Eddie: Hey!

Norman: What do you want?

Eddie: Listen, hear me out. There was a bet, okay? It was a stupid, stupid bet. And I don’t even care about the money or any of that. Coz I accidentally… I accidentally fell in love.

Norman: Stay right here.

[Norman goes in and comes back dressed up for prom.]

[Cut to Norman getting back home with his Prom Queen crown]

[Cut to Eddie waving his hand bye to Norman]

[Eddie leaves]

Interrogation Room

Barn… Venessa Bayer

Mr. Lanly… Taran Killam

Dunwudy… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with a guy in a interrogation room.]

Barn: Mr. Lanly. I am agent Barn. This is agent Dunwudy. So, we’ve certainly been busy haven’t we?

Mr. Lanly: I want my lawyer.

Barn: We’ll get to that.

Mr. Lanly: Where is my lawyer?

Dunwudy: Cool out, hot ball!

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: First, let me just review your organization’s accomplishments. Drug trafficking, illegal arms dealing. Should I keep reading?

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: I don’t know anything.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly and Dunwudy]

Dunwudy: That is a lie so big that it could fit in a box that could hold a million hats.

[Cut to all three]

Barn: Now, as fascinating as you are Mr. Lanly, we’re far more interested in your boss Eddie Coldoron.

Mr. Lanly: Never heard of the guy.

Dunwudy: Oh, you wanna play games? Go, ride ahead because we’re not going anywhere. And I have to pee right now but I can hold it all day. All day. One time I held it through an entire production of Rent with the original cast.

Barn: Can you just– You can either continue to cooperate or continue to play dumb. I suggest you choose the former.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: Or how about you give me a kiss with those pretty red lips.

[Cut to all three]

Dunwudy: She would never kiss you. No! Because she’s dating a guy named Jeff. And he’s the best.

Barn: Mr. Lanly, you are in no position to play games.

Mr. Lanly: I’m not playing games. I’m an innocent man.

Dunwudy: Hey! Darthy! Do you really expect us to just stand here and follow your big lies?

Mr. Lanly: Look, I’d like some water, please.

Dunwudy: Does this look like your gorgeous cheesecake factory to you?

Mr. Lanly: No, it looks like an interrogation room. So, where’s my water?

Dunwudy: Your water’s in the garbage can which is also where your house is.

Mr. Lanly: Excuse me?

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: Your employer, Mr. Linly. Help us get Coldoron and we may just be able to make something work out for you.

[Cut to all three]

Mr. Lanly: You know, wearing that blouse, I can kind of see down your shirt.

Dunwudy: Hey! Idiot! Idiot! She has a boyfriend Jeff, remember? And Jeff is the coolest! And his house is awesome and his snacks are the best. Okay? You would never get invited to Jeff’s. Not now, not ever. Don’t even think about asking.

Mr. Lanly: Why so much Jeff stuff?

Barn: Okay. [Cut to Barn] Well, we have you associate in the next room and he seems very interested in selling you out to protect himself. So, we’ll go pay him a little visit.

[Barn stands]

Dunwudy: Barn, just let me have a minute.

[Dunwudy sits on the chair]

Barn: Okay, I just think–

Dunwudy: No. Just trust me. Just trust me. Trust me! Hey there Looney Tune.

Mr. Lanly: How am I a Looney Tune?

Dunwudy: Said the biggest Looney Tune I’ve ever seen.

Mr. Lanly: Okay.

[Cut to Dunwudy]

Dunwudy: Look at you, man! You’re just sitting there in handcuffs. So, no one told you that you’re life was gonna be this way! And now your job’s a joke and you’re broke and your love life’s DOA! It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear.

[Cut to all three]

Mr. Lanly: Yeah, that’s clearly the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. theme song.

Dunwudy: Friends, it’s friends, which is what you and Jeff will never be.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: Okay, you know what? Enough about Jeff. I’ll talk but I want full immunity and I only talk to her, not this guy.

[Cut to all three]

Barn: Okay, I think we can make that work.

Dunwudy: Yeah, great! Great! Coz I’m gonna grab a tape recorder, okay? So, you just sit there and you watch your new favorite TV show called The Wall.

Mr. Lanly: Alright, seriously. Quit while you’re ahead.

Dunwudy: Yeah, yeah! I know, okay? Coz, I’ll be there for you. Alright?

[cheers and applause]

Dinner Date

Venessa Bayer

Jin… Kenan Thompson

Judy… Dwayne Johnson

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Venessa and Jin having dinner together at a restaurant]

Venessa: Jin, this dinner was amazing. What a perfect anniversary.

Jin: Oh, anything for you sweetheart.

[Judy and Jemma walk to Venessa and Jin]

Judy: Oh, ho! Oh, my god! Jin, this is crazy! You recognize me?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

This is nuts. I feel like just got F-ed in my brain without protection.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Uh, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having trouble placing you.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Judy Duty. Remember? We sent that guy to the chair together.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Oh, yeah.

Venessa: You sent a guy to the chair?

Jin: Well, I didn’t want to. I just needed it to end.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Ay, can we join you? Oh, we should. Oh, by the way, this is my girlfriend, Jemma. She’s British. Ay, but don’t get a boner when she talks, huh?

Jemma: [in British accent] Babe, don’t tuck me out so much. I’m Jemma. Okay, babe, let’s sit. I’m so hungry.

Judy: Scoot over lady. You got pretty of space. I don’t want to crunch him in and pop the bones back out your back.

Jemma: Okay, gross! Picturing you like that.

Judy: Oh, I’m sorry babe. I’m such a big bag of freaking meat balls. Ay, did I introduce you to my girl?

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma.

Venessa: Yes, we did this.

Judy: Yeah, yeah. She’s British. Tell em’ who you used to date.

Jemma: Footballers.

Judy: Isn’t that hot? Footballers. Makes you think about what she might do with her foot to you boy. Isn’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um…

Jemma: Babe! I want some nibble. Get some babe.

Judy: Oh, she means apps. She says nibbles. Hey, say it again.

Jemma: Nibbles.

Judy: A-ha-ha-ha. I’m as hard as a door knob right now. You know what I mean? You Jin? How about you?

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Umm… um…

Venessa: You’re not hard, are you Jin?

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Well, we need the apps. Where is the app guy? Where is the guy? The apps guy. We’re starving.

Jemma: Nibbles.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: We’re actually just finishing dessert and we were about to head home.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Yeah, it’s a bone, right? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ain’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um, possibly.

Jemma: Nibbles. I want nibbles now.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Ay, you guys have heard about onion rings? You gonna love em’.

[Waiter comes by]

Ay, you! How much are the onion rings? Like 25 cents a ring, right?

Waiter: We don’t really do it that way.

Jemma: Let’s get 200s.

Judy: Ha-ha. Babe, that’s like $800.

Jemma: Yeah, we can split it with them.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: Oh, no.

Jin: No.

[Cut to Judy, Jemma and Waiter]

Judy: Ay, yeah. Cool. Give me 200 onion rings, split it four ways. And quick checking out my girlfriend’s rack, hah!

Waiter: Okay.

Jemma: Babe, knock it off. [Cut to everybody] Quit being a mob.

Judy: She’s being shy. Isn’t that great? Is your’s shy? What’s her name?

Venessa: My name is–

Judy: No, no, no, no. I asked him. Ay, is she shy?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Women have to stand out girl power.

Judy: Ay, my girl likes your girl. They should be best friends now, right? Hey, do you wanna be best friends with that girl?

Jemma: Yeah, I really think so.

Judy: Jin, are you crazy stiff right now? I mean, that’s our girlfriends right. They’re like, best friends.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: You guys, it has been great running into you. But–

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you know what? She’s a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer. I’ve got a song called banana.

Judy: It’s a crazy hot club song. Imagine the track in the background.

[Judy starts banging on the sofa and Jemma starts singing.]

Jemma: [singing] Going out with my girls tonight

having fun with my girls tonight

big banana, long banana, short banana, white banana

let’s get bananas

five, four, three, two, banana.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]
Judy: Wow, how good was that?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: If you don’t have a boner right now, you should just kill yourself.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Nah, I’m good.

Venessa: Does that mean you have one?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter brings in the onion rings in a huge tray.]

Judy: Whoa! Hang on here. Hang on.! Who is this guy? Who is this guy looking at us like this?

Waiter: I’m your waiter. Remember? You just ordered 200 onion rings.

[Waiter puts the tray on the table]

Judy: You know what? I think you wanna kiss my girlfriend right in front of me. Like, I’m the joke of the day. I’ve got something for you. Come here.

[Judy pulls Waiter byhis collar and smashes his head on the table. Waiter faints.]

Jemma: Babe, is this an onion ring? That’s not what I thought. I don’t like this. It’s like, all onion. I can’t have onion.

Judy: Oh, well now what?

Jemma: Let’s give them to her.

[Cut to Venessa an Jin]

Jin: Yeah, she’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Yeah, yeah. We’ll just all hang out while she eats all these onion rings. And then when she’s done, then we’ll all leave.

Jemma: [clapping] Eat em’. Eat em’ up!

[Cut to everybody

Jin: Yeah. Start eating please.

[Venessa eats one onion ring]

Jemma: One! [claps]

[Venessa eats another onion ring]

Two! [claps]

[cheers and applause]

Dolce & Gabbana

Brecky… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Don Juan… Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with Brecky in her set of the commercial]

[slow music playing]

Brecky: Marvelous.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Magnificance.

[Cut to Brecky]

Brecky: Ramjor.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Spectacu-lable.

[Cut to Brecky and Cecily]

Brecky and Cecily: The impossi-ves. [The subtitle reads Dolce&Gabbana] Dolki and Gababa.

Cecily: All this attractiveness of a debolutating fragrace.

Brecky: You’re gonna feel like a $7.

Brecky and Cecily: With Dolki and Gababa.

Brecky: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I am Brecky.

Cecily: And I’m supposed to be dead.

Brecky and Cecily: Shhh!

Brecky: And we’re not porn stars anymore. But that doesn’t mean we can’t smell a great deal when we snort it off of mirror.

[Don Juan comes in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: No, no, no. Please go.

Don Juan: Nope?

[Don Juan leaves]

Brecky: Other perfumes are just for breeze and fancy jars. Adios sea ghost!

Cecily: I rimmed a donkey.

Brecky: Dolki Gababa is like obsession by Kevin Klein. But you can drink it. And it’s perfect for occasions like, disappearance.

Cecily: Old person.

Brecky: Mistress at funeral.

Cecily: House warming porno.

Brecky: And, disease free for now.

Cecily: I’ll guarantee it, you’ll feel like you’re as wealthy as the salt in brown eye.

Brecky: You’ll think you’re one of the royals like Kate Middleton. Plus, it’s got– what’s that thing when you press it and it sprays out?

Cecily: Prostate.

Brecky: No. It holds all the liquid.

Cecily: Mouth.

Brecky: Bottle.

Cecily: Oh, right. Bottle.

[Don Juan comes in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: Not yet. Please go.

[Don Juan leaves]

With Dolki Gababa.

Cecily: One time, I got banged back in time. And a cave man banged me back to the future. I was like, “I guess I can save 15% more. Thanks, lizard.

Brecky: One time, I thought I banged Julius Caesar, but it was actually little Ceasars. Pizza, pizza!

Cecily: One time, I got banged to the kite on top of a building during lightning storm. I was like, “Hey, you’re not bumping them. Okay.”

[Don Juan passes by in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: Where did he go?

[Don Juan comes in]

Cecily: Come in.

Don Juan: Hey there. I’m Don Juan Dar Dark Hole. Now, I’m American but after my manhood was torn off in a recumbent bicycle, they had to replace it with wiener from a Spanish dude. But relax, he was already dead. Now, I speak English but my downstairs neighbor, he speaks ‘I-blow-a-espanol’. So get this, I can do bilingual pornos such as Spanklish, Penis Labyrinth, Pricky Christina Bone-Alone-A, and Y Tu Mama Y Tu Papa Y tu circus clown Amigo Tambien.

Cecily: Tell em’ about the price.

Brecky: Yes.

Don Juan: Oh, right, right. Yeah. So, trust me, having some none original parts down there, I know about the importance of hygiene. And that’s why I reach for [subtitle reads Dolce&Gabbana] Douche and Go-banana. It’s like a senate candle for your sweaty mandle. Or an oat eater for your special little Peter.

Cecily: No, no, no, no.

Brecky: Stop it.

Don Juan: So, grab some Douche and Go-bananas today. So, when your special someone asks, “Hey, what’s that smell?” you can tell them.

Brecky and Cecily: It’s something dying in me.

Brecky, Don Juan and Cecily: Dolki Gababa.

Giuliani Cold Open

Gretchen Carlson… Venessa Bayer

Rudolph Giuliani… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Caroline

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson in her news set]

Gretchen Carlson: Welcome back. I am Gretchen Carlson. [cheers and applause.] Joining us now is former mayor Rudolph Giuliani [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani nodding his head] who got in some hot water last week at a private dinner for governor Scott Walker when he said, “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that the President loves America.”

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Since then Mr. Giuliani has been arguing his point in the Wall Street Journals and many shows just like this one. And he is certainly not backing down [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Are you, Mr. mayor?

Rudolph Giuliani: No, not at all, Gretchen. [Cut to Rudolph Giuliani] I’m sorry, but this president doesn’t have the same love of our great country. Look, I know this is a horrible thing to say but he was brought up different. He’s just not like the rest of us. I mean, is that too much?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: Absolutely not. You warned us that what you were about to say would be horrible, so it’s fine. Let’s take a quick break and we’ll have more with mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Kyle: And we’re clear. Three minute break, guys.

[Kyle and Sasheer walk in the stage.]

Sasheer: That was really great Mr. Giuliani.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani. Sasheer is putting make up on Rudolph Giuliani]

We’re so glad to have you on the shoe.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: How did we end up here? In this dump. You were America’s mayor. Remember?

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani]

Rudolph Giuliani: Um, I’m gonna take a walk. Excuse me.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands and walks away]

[Cut to a written video as “GIULIANI or (The unexpected virtue of ignorance)”]

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani at the hallway of the studio]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: I should have done that morning radio show they offered us. “Rise With Rudy.” It would have been 100 times more dignified than this.

[Rudolph Giuliani runs into Bobby]

Bobby: Sir, where are you going?

Rudolph Giuliani: Ah, I just need to take a walk.

Bobby: Okay, well, don’t go too far. We’ve got a very busy day today. You are crushing it, man! At C-PAC you are a rock star. Here, you are talking with Ted Cruz from 1 to 3 and tonight you’re doing a video message and archery demonstration with Ted Nugent. Wang-dang!

Rudolph Giuliani: Ya, ya, ya! That sounds great.

Bobby: Okay.

[Bobby gets on his way and Rudolph Giuliani starts walking in the hallway.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: You once stood at stage of Madison Square Garden with The Hoo and The Stones, man! The 9/11 benefit. Everyone loved you. And now, look at you. Jump in the water for an endless frenzy of cable news.

[Rudolph Giuliani walks in the dressing room. Caroline is there.]

Rudolph Giuliani: Caroline, I thought we were gonna meet downstairs.

Caroline: Are you excited, dad?

Rudolph Giuliani: What?

Caroline: Are you excited that you’re on TV again? You think you’re relevant? You’re not. You were in consulting business. You’re not on twitter. You haven’t been elected to any office in 15 years. No one cares.

Rudolph Giuliani: Oh, yeah? Well if no one cares, why is everybody talking about what I said, huh? Whoah!

[Rudolph Giuliani gestures as pulling down the photo frame, and the frame actually drops down from the wall.]

[Rudolph Giuliani fixes his suit] Excuse me!

[Rudolph Giuliani walks out of the dressing room and is walking in the hallway again.]

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: She has no clue. You were almost president for a few months in 2007. You were front runner. You were one of the greats. You were… a hero.

[Rudolph Giuliani stands still. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought appears behind him with a black mask and black wings. Rudolph Giuliani’s thought is wearing the same suit as Rudolph Giuliani.]

We were strong, beloved and our hair rocked. Let’s go back one more time and show them what we’re capable of. Admit it, you like to see something terrible happen right now so you can save the day.

Rudolph Giuliani: I would not like that.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Come on, don’t be a panty-waste. A minor emergency. No one really gets hurt.

Rudolph Giuliani: No.

Rudolph Giuliani thinking to himself: Fine! I’ll just pull the fire alarm

Rudolph Giuliani: Do not!

[Kyle walks in and Rudolph Giuliani’s thought leaves]

Kyle: Mr. Giuliani. Where were you? We got five seconds for you. Come on.

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, let’s go.

Kyle: Five, four, three, two and one.

[Cut to The Real Story intro]

[Cut to Gretchen Carlson]

Gretchen Carlson: We’re back with mayor Rudy Giuliani. [Cut to Gretchen Carlson and Rudolph Giuliani] Mr. Mayor, some are saying you might be promoting yourself at the expense of the republican.

[The alarm goes off]

Oh dear! What is that?

Rudolph Giuliani: [stands up] Fire alarm. Rudolph Giuliani gets a mic-speaker. Everyone remain calm. We’ll get through this together if you’ll listen to me. Save your ‘thank yous’ for later.

[Cut to Rudolph Giuliani’s thought]

Rudolph Giuliani’s thought: We’re back, and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Emergency Room

Dakota Johnson

Leslie Jones

Mr. Samson… Taran Killam

Dr. Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Venessa Bayer

[Starts with a patient grunting in an emergency room of a hospital]

Dakota: Mr. Samson, you’re gonna get through this.

Leslie: His vitals are dropping. Where is Dr. Thomas.

Dakota: It’s his day off. They had to call him in.

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Just hold on. Mr. Samson, we’re gonna get you in a surgery as soon as the doctor gets here, okay?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas walking in. He is dressed as Worf from Star Trek.]

Dr. Thomas: Ah! I’m sorry I’m late. There was a lot of traffic around the convention center.

[Cut to everybody]

Dakota: Dr. Thomas, is that you?

Dr. Thomas: Oh, this? I almost forgot. I’ve been at a convention all day and didn’t have time to remove my prosthesis or my voice modulator.

Mr. Samson: What the hell are you?

Dr. Thomas: Sir, I am dressed as Worf, son of Mogh. You in good hands, sir. Nurse, charts?

[Cut to Leslie looking speechless]

Leslie: Here you go.

[Cut to everybody. Dr. Thomas is reading the files.]

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Dakota: Dr. Thomas. Dr. Thomas? Dr. Thomas? [Dr. Thomas doesn’t respond.] Worf?

Dr. Thomas: Yes?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, the patient’s blood pressure is dropping. He could go into cardiac arrest.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Nurse, look at me. I need you to trust me. Look into my eyes.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] I can’t.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: You keep looking away. I need you to look at me.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] I can’t. You look so stupid.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Well, you know what? To me, humans look stupid, okay?

[Cut to everybody]

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Leslie: We’re losing him doctor!

Dr. Thomas: Don’t you die on me Mr. Samson. [hitting on Mr. Samson’s chest] Fight! Fight!

[heartbeat flatline sound]

Oh! Oh! We’ve lost him.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

No!

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Was that a Worf thing?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: I think so. I’ll be honest. I’m actually not a huge Trekky, but my wife is. I’m trying to show her that I care about her interests. Now, bring in the family. I will break them the news.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: I think somebody else should do it.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Bring them to me.

[Cut to everybody. Leslie open the door. Pete and Venessa walk in.]

[Cut to Pete and Venessa]

Pete: Worf?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes! I have some unfortunate news. Your grandfather is with his ancestors tonight drinking blood wine in Sto-vo-kor.

[Cut to Pete and Venessa]

Venessa: Uh, what does that mean?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: He dead!

[Cut to everybody]

Venessa: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dakota: Um, doctor, this is wildly inappropriate. You should not have come in today.

Dr. Thomas: I know. I apologize. I’m just trying to get closer to my wife. The language barrier is hard enough as it is.

Dakota: Language barrier? What?

Dr. Thomas: Yes. She’s Taiwanese. She speaks almost no English.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Dr. Worf.

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes, my dear?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: We’re just trying to wrap our heads around this. Was your face the last thing our grandfather saw before he died?

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes, yes. I was staring directly into his eyes, screaming.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Huh! I actually find that kind of comforting.

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Well, as we say in my family, [makes weird sounds].

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Is that Kligon?

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: I think it’s Taiwanese. Um, it means, ‘my mother is coming to live with us.’

Dakota: What? I mean…

Dr. Thomas: I know! I suck today! Argh! I fully suck. It’s my day off! Sheesh!

[The camera zooms to Dr. Thomas]

Male voice: This fall on NBC, Worf M.D.

Dr. Thomas: Rawr!

Totino’s Activity Pack Super Bowl Commercial

Venessa Bayer

J.K. Simmons

[Starts with four guys enjoying a football game drinking beer.]

Guys: Go, go, yeah!

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: Who’s ready for some more to Totino’s pizza rolls?

J.K. Simmons: Thanks honey.

Venessa: Anything for my hungry guys.

J.K. Simmons: Now get out of here you, the game’s on.

Venessa: Okay, sweetheart. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.

Guys: Ah!

[Cut to Venessa in the kitchen]

Venessa narrating: When it comes to the big game, I love feeding my hungry guys. But, now what? I normally just sit in the kitchen waiting for them to ask for more delicious Totino’s  pizza rolls. But that can be so boring. Well, not anymore. [showing a board game] Introducing Totino’s new Super Bowl Activity Pack for women. It’s full of fun little puzzles and games to keep my mind active and learning while I wait back here.

[Cut to guys cheering]

[Cut to Venessa in the kitchen]

My hungry guys aren’t the only ones having fun today. With my Super Bowl Activity Pack for women, [spinning a top] I can spin a little top, [doing the kid’s ‘connect the dots’ art game] connect the dots.

Venessa: Oh! Look at the little bee.

Venessa narrating: Do a word search.

Venessa: Hat, I found hat.

Venessa narrating: [Counting board game money] Count my own money. And plenty of other activities I can drop in a moment’s notice.

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: Honey, we’re out pizza rolls.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Coming right up.

[Venessa brings the guys some pizza rolls]

Beck: Oh, my favorite.

Jay: Ooh!

Bobby: Totino’s!

Venessa: Look honey, it’s a little bee.

J.K. Simmons: Yeah! We’re also out of beers, when you got a sec.

Venessa: Anything for my hungry guys.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hey, does your wife wanna watch the game with us?

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: No, she’s good. She’s got a little activity pack.

[Behind J.K. Simmons, Venessa is playing games like children.]

Venessa narrating: Plus, if I get hungry from all the puzzles and games, my activity pack comes with one little Totino… just for me.

[Cut to the guys cheering]

[Venessa comes in]

Venessa: Is the game almost over?

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: No, it’s till the first quarter.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Well, I already did that whole activity pack you gave me.

[Cut to J.K. Simmons]

J.K. Simmons: Well, open another one then.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. Anything for my hungry–

J.K. Simmons: [interrupting Venessa] Go!

[Venessa just leaves]

Female voice: The Totino’s Superbowl Activity Pack. for grown women ages 5 & up.

Miss Trash 2015

Dadonk Fonten… J.K. Simmons

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Venessa Bayer

[Starts with a clip of Cheetos Auditorium]

Male voice: Live form the Cheetos Auditorium, 20 minutes outside Vegas, it’s America’s favorite beauty pageant, ‘Miss Trash 2015’.

[Cut to the stage. Dadonk is the MC.]

Dadonk: It’s Miss Trash 2015. Hello and welcome. I’m your host Dadonk Fonten. This year we celebrated Miss American, Miss Universe, but tonight we crown the queen of the dump. The woman who is best at being the worst. So, without further due, let’s meet our contestants for Miss Trash 2015.

[Cut to Aidy dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]

First up, it’s Miss Trash Delaware. She has never had a sip of water. Last week she tried to join ISIS but they said, “No, thanks.” And this is interesting. She is deaf… initely not wearing any underwear.

Aidy: Oh, Hi Dadonk. My talents are banging dudes and being rude, and if I win, the first thing I’m gonna do is lay the hell down for a year! Aha-ha-ha-ha.

Dadonk: Gorgeous. Next up, please welcome Miss Trash California.

[Cut to Cecily dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]

Her nickname in high school was Slime Bitch. She was once dragged behind a horse for 15 miles and she is the woman who fired shots outside Joe Biden’s house last week.

Cecily: Hi, Dadonk. I wanna be Miss Trash coz when I was young, I was boy like. And I’ve taken all that anger of resentment and let it make me insane. And my behavior’s really bad.

Dadonk: What a beautiful story. Our third finalist is Miss Trash New York.

[Cut to Kate dancing in to the stage. She is a bit well dressed than the ones before.]

She has graduated at doggie day care. Her friends describe her as Butter with Eyes. And you can’t see them but she currently has over 400 stitches.

Kate: Hi, Dadonk. I should be Miss Trash because I love to do charity. Last week, I cut my hair and gave it to Locks of Love. They used it to make three outdoor brooms.

Dadonk: Fantastic. And finally, Miss Trash Vermont.

[Cut to Venessa walking in nicely. She is wearing a nice dress and her hair is nicely done.]

She loves necklaces and her little dog, Harry.

Venessa: Um, I thought this was Miss America.

Dadonk: But, did you check the right box on the form? The boxes for Miss America and Miss Trash are very close. Almost looks like the same box, but they’re not.

Venessa: Oh, maybe I didn’t.

Dadonk: Too bad, now you’re trash. These women have been here all day, and believe it or not, they’ve already have complete makeovers.

[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa. Aidy, Cecily and Kate look untidy.]

We have the before pictures but the network won’t allow us to show them [Cut to Dadonk] because they’re the visual equivalent of the F word.

[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa]

[singing] Look in her eyes, there’s nothing inside
it’s Miss Trash 2015

[Cut to Dadonk]

Dadonk: Alright, it’s time for the question and answer round. Miss Trash California, you’re up first.

[Cecily walks in. She is dancing.]

Your question is, what is the biggest thing you’ve learned in your life?

Cecily: Okay, that if you work hard, you can achieve anything. Just today, my gynecologist told me I was accepted to UTI. And I’m so excited, my crotches are on fire!

[Cecily leaves]

Dadonk: That’s wonderful. Miss Trash Delaware.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: What?

Dadonk: Your question is, what are your thoughts on gay marriage?

Aidy: Um, I guess if that’s your thing, coo-coo-coo. But for me, marriage is all about putting that paintus into puti. Final answer.

[Aidy leaves]

Dadonk: Stunning. Miss Trash Vermont.

[Venessa walks in]

Your question, what is your one regret?

Venessa: Um, I guess I mostly regret ever making eye contact with Miss Trash Delaware.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Yeah! You’re my mommy now!

[Aidy pulls Venessa away]

Dadonk: And finally Miss Trash New York.

[Kate walks in]

What is the one piece of advice that you would give to young girls?

Kate: I would tell them just believe in yourselves. That’s why I got this tattoo. [Kate shows her tattoo. It says ‘BUTT’.] It says ‘believe’ in Chinese.

Dadonk: It says ‘BUTT’ in english.

Kate: Thank you.

[Kate leaves]

Dadonk: What an incredible group. It’s time for a commercial break now, but when we come back, we will finally crown Miss Trash 2015. As always, winner will be sent to the hospital and runners-up will be sent to prison.

[the contestants walk behind Dadonk]

[singing] Who will be first?
the best of the worst
it’s Miss Trash 2015