Category: 2015

Air Plane Performance

Becca… Amy Schumer

Carla… Venessa Bayer

Mark… Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of DELTA airlines flying]

Becca: Okay folks. [Cut to inside the plane.] We’ve reached our cruising altitude but when seated, we ask that you keep your seat belt fastened. In a moment, we’ll begin our complimentary beverage and snacks service.

Carla: Our recent survey in Delta magazine placed Delta as the third most fun airline and that is something to sing about.

Becca: Hit the jam, DJ.

[music playing]

Carla: [singing] Tell em’ what they want, what they really, really want

Becca: I’ll tell what they want, what they really, really want

Carla: They wanna, they wanna, they wanna, they wanna

Becca: What they really, really, really want is to have a nice flight.

Carla: If you’re feeling hungry, we’ve got great snacks

Becca: If you wanna buy a headset, we’ll be coming right back
So tell em’ what they want, what they really, really want

Carla: I’ll tell what they want, what they really, really want

[As Carla dances while singing, she mistakenly opens the airplane door and gets sucked out.]

[Everybody in the plane are screaming.]

[Mark comes in, screams and goes back.]

[Carla is still hanging by the airplane door]

[Becca pulls Carla in and closes the door]

[Carla is horrified]

Becca: Are you okay? Oh, my god!

Carla: I swallowed so much air.

Becca: Oh, my god. Sit down. Oh, my god.

Carla: I’m fine. I’m fine.

Becca: Carla, you were just outside the plane. What do you need?

Carla: All I need is to finish the announcement song that we worked so hard on in my garage. Folks, as you can see I am fine. So, on with the jam.

[music playing]

So, here’s the story from us to you
to have a great flight, you gotta know your flight crew
you got Becca up front, she’s the best
Mark in the back, [yelling] I was outside the plane.

[Becca takes the microphone from Carla]

Becca: Turn the music off, Mark. Mark!

[music stops]

Carla: I was out there and then I was in the sky. And then I saw myself as a little girl.

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Carla, Carla, are you okay?

Carla: Get away, Mark!

Becca: You did nothing, useless Mark.

Carla: Mark!

Becca: Mark!

Carla: Mark!

[Becca picks up the mic]

Becca: Ladies and gentlemen, Mark did nothing. And also, please do not be afraid of using the forward restroom because of the door. It is secure now. It is locked. [Becca walks to the door] As you can see, you can knock on it. You can lean on it like, “Hello fella, how you’re doing?”

[When Becca leans on the door, it opens and Becca falls off this time.]

Carla: Oh, my god!

[Carla runs to get Becca. Becca is hanging on the door.]

[Mark just comes in, screams and goes back.]

[Carla pushes Becca away on her head and closes the door.]

[Carla picks up the mic]

Carla: Um, I couldn’t pull her, okay? The passengers have to come first. So, you all saw there was nothing I could do.

[Cut to Kenan sitting in the plane. Becca is looking through the window by Kenan’s side.]

Kenan: Ma’am, that woman is right there holding on real hard.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Go to the door. Go to the door. Okay folks, everything’s going to be fine. And because it is inconvenience, you can all watch San Andres for free. So, anyway, you guys pretty pumped to go Milwaukee?

[Cut to Becca looking through the door window]

Okay, okay. Here we go. Hold on one sec.

[Carla walks to the door and opens it and pulls Becca in]

[Becca is making noise]

Becca: Carla! Oh, my god, was I out there for a full year?

Carla: I closed the door on you.

Becca: I know. Shut up, Carla. We’ll deal with it later.

Carla: I left you out there.

Becca:

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Ladies, ladies, both of you sit down. Please, please. I’ve got this. Please, both of you.

[Becca and Carla sit down]

Just rest.

[Mark grabs the mic]

Folks, I am so sorry about all of this. What do you say we get this flight back on track? Huh? And speaking of track, hit it.

[music playing]

[singing] I’m giving you everything

[Cut to Becca, Carla and Kenan sitting together. They are loving Mark’s performance.]

all the drinks you need

[The End]

Abraham Lincoln Reenactment

Kenan Thompson

Amy Schumer

Taran Killam

Jerry … Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Ford’s Theatre]

Kenan: Alright, we’ll bringing first two in a moment.

[Cut to inside the theatre. Kenan is speaking to Amy and Taran. Jerry is standing behind them.]

Thanks for filling in the day. Our regular Mary Todd is sick.

Amy: It’s exciting.

Taran: You’re gonna be fantastic. It’s a pretty simple reenactment. Just you and I pretend to watch the play, I say few lines, then Jerry comes, John Wilkes Booth, shoots me, you cry, we bow, that’s it. Alright, any questions?

Amy: Looking forward to hit the boards with you, man.

Taran: You’re gonna be great. Okay. Oh! Here comes the first tour.

[Jerry walks out the door.]

Amy: Okay.

[The audience walk in from the other door]

Kenan: Alright ladies and gentlemen. This is the very same box in which Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln sat on that faithful night of April 14th, 1865. Let’s now be transported. Back into time.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: Mary, I’m glad you convinced me to come to the theater tonight. We’ve won the war and I can finally enjoy a night out with my wife.

Amy: Yeah, I don’t know about that Ab. I got a bad feeling about this.

Taran: Ah! Well, let’s just enjoy the play.

Amy: No, you know me Ab, gotta trust my gut. something about this place gives me the creeps.

[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]

Jerry: I’m sick of this.

Taran: [scared] Ah!

Amy: I knew it!

[Amy punches Jerry on his face]

Jerry: Ou!

Amy: I don’t think so boo!

Jerry: What the hell?

Amy: You see that everybody. This guy is trying to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and have sex with me.

Jerry: No. No I did not.

Amy: And that’s how it happened, folks.

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously]

Alright, have a great rest of the day in DC. [Cut to everybody] America’s only capital.

[Kenan opens the door and the audience walk out.]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Oh, that was fun. You weren’t half bad yourself.

[Amy pinches Taran]

Taran: Ah! What were you doing?

Amy: Um, spicing it up a little bit. Something I learned on the BK set.

Taran: The BK set?

Amy: Oh, they didn’t tell you? That’s weird. Yeah, I’m fresh out filming the Burger King commercial for those like, black burgers that are making everybody crap green. I had a ton of ad libs.

Taran: Okay, well just don’t do any of that for the next tour.

Amy: Ya, ya, Lincoln.

[Kenan walks in with another group of audience]

Kenan: Alright, ladies and gentlemen. Let us now be transported back into time.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: Mary, for the first time in a long time, I feel it peace.

Amy: I wouldn’t get too comfortable there. Just saw John Wilkes Booth and he looked a little off.

Taran: Well, I’m sure it’s fine.

Amy: Well, tell that to my gut Lincoln.

[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]

Jerry: I’m sick of this.

Amy: I knew it. Duck Lincoln.

[Amy punches Taran on his face again]

Ha-ha. Missed him, pecker head! You may be a great actor but you’re never gonna blow my husband’s brain out just to get in my pants.

[looks at the audience]

What do we say folks? [clapping] Huh?

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously]

[Cut to Amy, Taran and Jerry]

Alright. Y’all have a great day in DC. Now, get out of here and never come back. Ha-ha-ha.

[The audiences leave]

I never said this, but you suck at ad libs.

Jerry: We’re not supposed to ad lib.

Amy: Alright, well when I was on the BK set, all I was supposed to do was bite into a hamburger and go, “Umm.” But instead, I look straight into the camera and I said, “That’s a great black Halloween burger.” And I pretended I was choking to death. Everybody flipped out.

Taran: Here comes the next tour. Just please, be quiet.

Amy: Your wish is my command.

Taran: Shut up!

[Kenan comes in with another group of audiences]

Kenan: Let us now be transported to the past.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: I’m so glad to enjoy a night at the theatre.

Amy: [standing and yelling] Booth! Show your face! I know you’re out there. You hate my husband just coz he loves blacks.

[Cut to the audiences. They are all African-American people.]

Kenan: I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Amy: Booth wants nothing more than to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and plow me, the most beautiful woman in the land. But I only plow one man and that’s Abraham Lincoln.

[Jerry walks in hopelessly]

There’s that horny little piece of crap now!

Jerry: Come on!

Amy: Let’s show him he can’t plow me. Right folks?

[Amy punches Jerry on his face again]

Jerry: Ah!

[Amy pulls off the fake mustache off of Jerry’s face]

Amy: Look at that. Just as I suspected. John Wilkes Booth, the very same son of a bitch who tried to blast my husband and plow me.

[Amy takes a cigarette out of her bra and starts pretending like she’s smoking]

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking furiously]

Just another night in DC, folks.

Kenan: Hey, you can’t smoke in here.

[Cut to Amy]

Amy: I’m not. I’m acting.

[The End]

Weekend Update Second and Third hand news

Colin Jost

Anthony Crispino… Bobby Moynihan

Angelo… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s a lot of news in the news this week. [Michael Che laughing] Here to talk about the news he heard second hand is our second hand news correspondant, Anthony Crispino.

[Anthony slides in and hits Colin Jost]

Anthony: Hey, sorry. Sorry about that. Hey, wow! Wow!

Colin Jost: Came in hot?

Anthony: Came in hot there! Hey, it’s good to be back.

Colin Jost: Good to have you, man.

Anthony: Thank you. Thank you. Look at this guy, million dollar smile, two dollar tie.

Colin Jost: Okay. I feel like it’s a kind of a nice–

[Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar]

Anthony: Hey!

Colin Jost: [scared] Ah!

Anthony: I’m breaking balls, Colin! Come on! [Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar again] Whoop! I got you again!

[Anthony looking around]

So, you hear about this thing, though?

Colin Jost: No. What thing?

Anthony: A lot of stuff going on. This is crazy. Apparently, Sting can’t perform concerts in Chicago no more.

Colin Jost: Sting can’t perform in Chicago?

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Coz they got rid of the head of the police.

Colin Jost: No. It’s not–

Anthony: No, it’s true.

Colin Jost: It’s not the band police. They got rid of the actual police chief.

[Cut to Anthony]

Anthony: Um…… pretty sure it was Sting though, Colin. You know, because the mayor was like, “Ay, don’t stand so close to me.” [Cut to Anthony and Colin Jost] You know, that’s what–

Colin Jost: Alright. And who did you hear that from?

Anthony: Who did I hear that from?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Anthony: I heard it from my lotion guy. Slippery Gary.

Colin Jost: Okay!

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah. Good guy. Smart guy.

Colin Jost: He’s a good guy?

Anthony: He’s a great guy. He knows a lot about lotions.

Colin Jost: I really think slippery Gary is misinformed.

Anthony: Okay, alright. Well, you think he is misinformed, you should talk to my third hand news guy.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Third hand news?

Anthony: Um, yeah. He gets all his news from me. Hey, Angelo! Get out here.

[Angelo slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Anthony and Angelo are looking around. They’re wearing same outfit.]

Angelo: Oh, hey there Colin. Where did you get that tie, huh? The bad store?

Anthony: Oh!

[laughing]

[Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar as he’s laughing]

Colin Jost: Angelo, what have you heard?

Angelo: Oh, well, you know, you hear about this thing though? You hear about this thing though?

Colin Jost: No.

Angelo: Huge movie coming out.

Anthony: Yeah, huge!

Colin Jost: Which movie?

Anthony: Huge.

Angelo: Yeah, huge. Called, “Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.”

Anthony: Yep.

Colin Jost: No, that’s not it.

Anthony: Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.

Colin Jost: No, it’s not. It’s “The Force Awakens.”

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure it’s the Jamaicans, though.

Anthony: Yeah, you know. And there’s four of them. Like, cool runnings. And they always say, “Ay, Luke use the force, man!” You know? It’s crazy.

Angelo: Yeah, and it was directed by Jar Jar Abrahams.

Anthony: Yeah, great director. Great. Good guy.

Angelo: Good guy. It’s like, you know, he said, “Me so wanna direct a movie.”

Anthony: Me so wanna direct a movie.

Colin Jost: That is not accurate.

Anthony: You know, it’s a big time right now in the pop culture.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Anthony and Angelo]

Anthony:  You hear about this thing though?

Angelo: Yea, yea, yea. Yep.

Anthony: Yea, Charlie Sheen.

Angelo: The Charlie Sheen. He’s got the HBO.

Anthony: He’s got the HBO.

Angelo: He’s got the HBO. He’s not gonna watch Showtime.

Anthony: No more Showtime.

Angelo: No more.

Anthony: He has just canceled it, man! You know, and you know who is breaking every music record right now?

Colin Jost: Who’s that?

Anthony: It’s the Del Dude. Yeah.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Anthony and Angelo]

Colin Jost: No. It’s Adele.

Angelo: Colin, you gotta get a Del.

Anthony: You gotta get one Colin.

Angelo: Get a Del.

Anthony: Get a Del, Colin. Please! Please! You know, and the biggest news, the new song right now?

Angelo: Oh, the biggest song right now, it’s about Bill Cosby. Yes.

Anthony: Yeah, Bill Cosby.

Colin Jost: There’s a song about Bill Cosby?

Angelo: Hey got a song about Bill Cosby. It’s called “Jello, it’s me.”

Colin Jost: Alright, you both need to go!

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure we don’t, Colin.

Colin Jost: You do. Leave.

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure…

Colin Jost: Go!

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… [someone brings in a hot whistling kettles.] pretty sure.

Colin Jost: Anthony Crispino and Angelo everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Jill Davenport flirts with Colin

Colin Jost

Jill Davenport… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the holiday shopping season is officially under way. Here to tell us the best tech gadgets for the guy in your life is reporter from Glamour magazine, Jill Davenport.

[Jill slides in]

Jill: Thank you, Colin. [Jill is flirt-gesturing] It’s so great to be here. I’m like, a huge fan.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Thank you so much, Jill.

Jill: Wait, how did you say my name?

Colin Jost: Ah, I’m sorry. Did I miss pronounce it? Jill?

Jill: No. You sort of like, funny. Like, I’m watching you! Alright. [Jill is playing with her hair] So, the best gadgets– My god! I’m like, so hot out here. Do you mind if I take my jacket off, first? [take off her jacket]

Colin Jost: No, that’s fine.

Jill: [laughs] Of course you don’t mind. It’s like a free show. [Jill is playing with her hair]

Colin Jost: Jill, I have to say. I feel like you’re kind of trying to flirt with me.

Jill: What? Colin! I have like, a boyfriend. Can we just talk about gadgets?

Colin Jost: Yes, please. Let’s.

Jill: Please? Oh, Mr. Manners. Okay, professional. [looking into her shirt.] Oh, my god! What’s in my shirt. [looks at Colin Jost] Oh, my god! Did you just see down my shirt? I’m so embarrassed.

Colin Jost: Jill, no. I was not looking–

Jill: Are you making fun of me? Oh, my god. You are so laughing at me right now. You are! Michael, is Colin laughing at me?

[Cut to Michael. He has his headphones on and is nodding to the music.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jill]

Oh, my god. I’m like, freezing out here. I’m so cold. Can I have your coat?

Colin Jost: You want my coat?

[Jill nods her head]

Okay, sure. It feels like you just had one, but that’s great.

[Colin Jost opens his coat and gives it to Jill]

Jill: Gentlemen. I guess they still do exist.

Colin Jost: Okay. Here you go. Alright. So, gadgets–

Jill: Oh, my god. Do I look like a baby in your coat?

Colin Jost: Jill, are you only out here to flirt with me?

Jill: Stop! I have a boyfriend. You’re making me laugh. Wait, can you open this jar for me.

[Jill hands Colin Jost a red jar]

Colin Jost: Is this about gadgets?

Jill: Yes, basically.

[Colin Jost opens the jar’s lid]

Thank you.

[Colin Jost takes a popsicle out and starts licking it.]

Colin Jost: Wait! That jar just had a popsible in it?

Jill: Get your mind out of the gutter!

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Look, just tell me one tech gadget.

Jill: You are so bad. You know, I might have to go out with you after all.

Colin Jost: Go out? You just said you have a boyfriend.

Jill: Yeah, but he died.

Colin Jost: Jill Davenport, everyone. I need my coat back.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of two dead body outlines on the floor at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Thursday, a gang of black people who were allegedly under the influence of narcotics murdered two high ranking community leaders on live television. This according the the FOX News recap of the Wiz.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a hoverboard at left top corner.]

Happy ending. [laughing]

Colin Jost: The Cleveland Cavaliers reportedly banned their players from using hoverboards inside the stadium, making it the first time anyone on the Cavs has ever been punished for [Picture changes to a player from Cavaliers playing basketball] travelling. Oh!

[Picture changes to a new born baby]

According to the new list, the most popular baby girl name of the year was Sofia while the least popular baby girl name belonged to little Isis Cosby.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kylie Jenner dressed as a sex doll on a wheelchair at right top corner.]

Michael Che: There’s no way Isis Cosby is white. Kylie Jenner is being insensitive for a photoshoot in which she dressed as a sex doll on a wheelchair. But you know what they say, dress for the job you want.

[Picture changes to Kobe Bryant]

Kobe Bryant announced that he will retire from the NBA at the end of this season saying, “My body knows it’s time to say goodbye.” But I don’t know, Kobe. The last time you listen to your body, you had to buy your wife a $4 million apology diamond.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mouse Mingle by Disney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new dating site has been launched called Mouse Mingle that matches people who are both Disney fans. It’s the perfect way for a lonely Cinderella to meet her, at best, Pumba.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of male and female signs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study finds that scientists examining scans of human brains could not tell the difference between the male brain and the female brain. In fact, the only way you can tell the male brain from the female brain is that if you look very, very closely, the female brain always be shopping. [laughing]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture Donald Trump and caduceus logo at left top corner.]

Donald Trump said that his doctor will soon release his medical records which Trump says will show that his health is “perfection”. You know, a thing doctor said. “How are my lungs looking, doc?” “They’re unstop-able. Honestly, in my expert medical opinion, you’re gonna live to be 1000.”

[Picture changes to Ben Carson and Jordan flag.]

Ben Carson this week toured refugee camps in Jordan and said that the most of the Syrians he met there don’t wanna come to the US. It’s a decision they made after asking Carson, “Where are you from?” Overall, Dr. Carson said he enjoyed his trip to Jordan but said he was disappointed that he didn’t meet Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeb Bush hinted that if nominated, he  would pick a woman as his running mate. But Jebb, you’re supposed to let women off of sinking ships.

[Picture changes to a newspaper article ‘FBI is treating rampage.]

The New York Times ran a front page editorial urging congress to take action following Wednesday shooting in California. But congress already took action because on Thursday, the senate confronted the gun issue head-on by voting to defund planned parenthood. Good job dudes. There have been more mass shootings in the US this year than there had been days in the years. So, how id defunding planned parenthood the priority right now? It would be like, if you called an exterminator and he goes, “Wow, you got a lot of rats in here man. So, the first thing we got to do is defund planned parenthood.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And it’s not just congress. On Wednesday, president Obama said that ISIS does not pose an existential threat to America. First of all, you can’t use big words like existential. We’re not in a philosophy class. We’re a country that’s about to be four deep into the Chipmunks franchise. We still think existential is a male enhancement pill they sell at gas stations. [Picture changes to Existential pills]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So, for our sake president Obama, never imply that ISIS isn’t a threat. Even if it’s true, don’t jinx it, alright? You sound less like the black president and more like the black guy in a horror movie. “Ay, don’t worry about ISIS. You white kids stay here. I’m gonna go check on that rockets at the basement.”

The Wiz

Wiz… Leslie Jones

Tinman… Jay Pharoah

Coward lion… Kenan Thompson

Dorothy… Sasheer Zamata

Scarecrow… Michael Che

White scarecrow… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with video clips of film studios]

Male voice: Now, NBC presents an exclusive Cut For Time scene from this week’s The Wiz, LIVE!

[music playing]

[Cut to four characters singing]

All: Don’t you carry nothing, that might feel low
come on, even down, even down the road

[music stops]

[Cut to Wiz in a green suit walking in]

Wiz: Who dare disturbs me, the all and powerful Wiz? I was just back there on my iPad.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: Wow, that’s so modern.

Wiz: Well, I’m glad you noticed. Now, what do you want?

Coward Lion: We’re sorry to disturb your greatness. I’m here because I need some courage.

Scarecrow: And I need some brains.

Tinman: And I need the heart.

Dorothy: And I need to go home.

White scarecrow: And so do I

[White scarecrow jumps in]

Oh, oh! Hello.

Dorothy: Who are you?

White scarecrow: Me? Well, I’m a scarecrow, of course. Anybody know how I can get back to my friends.

Scarecrow: Well, where are you coming from?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, west hours, you know, near the meadow?

[Cut to Tinman, Scarecrow and Dorothy]

Tinman: Oh, you way off, man! This right here is east hours. How did you even get here?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, I don’t know. Let me see. I fell asleep on the train. And then now, here I am.

[Cut to White scarecrow, Scarecrow and Tinman]

Who are you?

Scarecrow: Well, I’m a scarecrow. exactly like you.

White scarecrow: But your hair is so wild and wonderful. [Cuts to Dorothy] And your hair…

Dorothy: Don’t!

White scarecrow: Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Very well, I’m looking for my friend Dorothy.

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, my name is Dorothy too. Does your friend know how to whip, dab and do the nae-nae?

[Cut to White scarecrow. He is silent.]

White scarecrow: Ya, I have no idea what those words are.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Dorothy: it’s dancing.

Tinman: And we sure do a lot of dancing.

Coward Lion: Yeah. Three hours worth, minus about 150 commercials.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, I love to dance. Watch.

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing]

[White scarecrow starts dancing]

[singing] I will not be just a nothing
my head all full of stuffing
and my heart all filled with pain
I would dance and be married
Live would be dignitary
if I only had a brain
I mean… A brain.

[Cut to Wiz]

Wiz: Man, that was corny as hell.

[Cut to Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Coward Lion: Yeah, I’m sorry young man. We appreciate you coming by but this hours is not for you.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, I didn’t think that it would be, you know. But now that I’m here it’s really great. There’s so much color.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

All: Hey! Hey!

Tinman: Watch yourself, man!

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: No, no. I just meant in the world. You know, there’s a lot of heart and soul here. I love it. It’s– It’s much better than where I’m from.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: Oh, yeah. We heard about West Hours. That place is terrifying.

Scarecrow: Yes, there’s trees that grab you.

Tinman: Yeah, and tornado.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, don’t forget about the flying monkeys.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

All: Whoa!

Coward Lion: No, we don’t call them that here. We call them winged warriors. Yeah, we had a lot of meetings about that.

[Cut to Wiz]

Wiz: Plus, ya’ll got a wicked witch over there and she is halla’ scary. She will set your ass on fire.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, she’s not- she’s not around anymore.

[Cut to Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Dorothy: What?

Coward Lion: Oh, my god! What happened?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, we threw some water on her and killed her.

[Cut to everybody. All of them are shocked]

All: Oh!

Tinman: Damn!

Dorothy: What?

Scarecrow: Damn!

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

Coward Lion: Well, Scarecrow, I didn’t know you had it in you. This here man is a G.

White scarecrow: Well, gosh. I hope that’s a good thing.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: It is. You can roll with us anytime you like, scarecrow.

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Really? Well, I’d love that more than anything in the world.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: Alright, then come on and dance with us. It’s 2015, do the dab.

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Wonderful!

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing. Everybody is dancing and White scarecrow is learning to dance]

All: [singing] Come on in, even down, even down the road
don’t you carry nothing that might feel low
Come on in, even down, even down the road

Coward Lion: Yeah, keep trying. You get it.

[The End]

Settl

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Byer

Henry… Taran Killam

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kate walking down the stairs]

Kate: I think I’m a pretty good catch. So, why can’t I meet the right guy? I’ve tried all the online dating apps like Tinder, Okay Cupid and Match.com but I wanna get married now. That’s why I joined the new online dating app, Settl.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: There’s nothing wrong with the men on Settl. They’re just normal guys with characteristic I am now willing to overlook.

[Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Kate sitting on sofa drinking wine.]

Venessa: I already bought my wedding dress. So, I just needed a groom. I joined Settl and went on tons of okay dates. That’s how I met my Henry. [Henry walks in] He may drive a smart car but he’s a manager at Cutco and even has a 401K. We’re getting married in April which is before my sister.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Settl isn’t misleading like those other dating apps. It’s honest. For example, men are only allowed to upload their passport photos or ones they’ve been pretending to hold the leaning tower of Pisa. That way, we can’t focus on their looks.

[Kyle walks in]

Hi.

Kyle: Sorry, I’m late. I don’t have a car.

Leslie: Whatever.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: And, they guarantee the date because Settl won’t allow us to swipe left.

[Cut to Venessa and Henry]

Venessa: Because remember, it’s not giving up, it’s settling up.

[Henry and Venessa kiss awkwardly]

Female voice: Settl, tick tock.

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle]

Leslie: Would you like to have another glass of wine?

Kyle: Oh no, thank you. I’m usually in bed by now.

[The End]

Santa & The Elves

Santa Claus… Bobby Moynihan

Elves… Kenan Thompson, Venessa Bayer, Ryan Gosling

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a book “Santa and his Magical Elves”.]

Male voice: With only a fortnight left till Christmas, Santa’s elves were hard at work making toys for children all over the world. Or were they?

[Cut to Santa Claus walking in the workshop]

Santa Claus: Ding dong ding, with a little ding dong. Ho-ho-ho. Time to see how the Christmas toys are coming along. [looks at the table] Oh, what on earth? This chu-chu has no wheels. And this dolly needs a head. Elves, up here.

[The elves appear on the table]

Kenan: Santa, you beckoned us.

Venessa: Is there something we can do for you?

Ryan: It sounded urgent, so we came right away, sir.

Santa Claus: These toys are not complete. These toys are not complete and we are on a tight schedule.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Oh, no! We are so sorry.

Venessa: Oh, we let you down big time.

Ryan: We totally goofed.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: You certainly did. I’m so disappointed.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Yeah. So, I guess you gotta like, show us who’s the boss now. Right? Right, Santa? Like, show us who’s in charge?

Venessa: Yeah, um, otherwise how will we ever learn?

Ryan: Me, I learn through discipline.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Whatever do you mean!

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: I don’t know. Some kind of punishment.

Kenan: It could be bodily, like, something with my body.

Ryan: We have very few limits. Wink wink. Wiggle wiggle.

[Cut to everybody]

Santa Claus: I don’t even know what you silly elves are talking about. I will be back at first day light and I expect this table to be filled with toys, understand?

Venessa: Yes, Santa.

Kenan: Yes sir.

Ryan: You got it.

[Santa Claus leaves the workshop]

[The night pass and it’s morning. The roosters are cuckooing.]

[Cut to the workshop. The table is empty and the elves are just sitting. Santa Claus walks in.]

Santa Claus: Good morning elves. How are the toys co– What? You haven’t done a thing.

Kenan: I know. [Cut to the elves] We are so bad. I guess it’s time to teach us our lesson.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: What?

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: We deserve it. We’re not fit to lick your boot.

Ryan: But we’ll do it… if you force us to.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Alright. Oh!

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Oh, are you fed up, Santa? Well, I get it. If I were you, I would just pull down my little green pants and go to town on me.

Venessa: Yeah, maybe then we’d stop making mistakes.

Ryan: Speaking of mistakes, [Ryan throws away a bottle on purpose.] I just dropped a gumdrop. Whoops! Better go get it. [Ryan leans showing Santa Claus his butt to hit on.]

Santa Claus: Ooh! You see anything you like, Santa? Maybe you need to take charge of that.

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Hmm, you elves are skating on think ice.

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: Oh, yeah. Santa’s getting hot now. Why don’t you unzip your big red suit and walk around in just your boots?

Ryan: Stop around and let your hairy belly bounce all over the place?

Kenan: Yeah, and then there would be no question who would be in charge. Right? Good old Saint dick– Nick! Sorry!

[Cut to Santa Claus]

Santa Claus: Can you please just make some toys?

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: Oh, look at what I found, Santa. A candle.

Kenan: Is this to drop wax on our privates with?

Ryan: You better put jingle bells in our mouths… coz we’re screamers!

Venessa: Yeah. And when you’re done, you can snow all over us.

Santa Claus: Okay! Enough! [Cut to everybody] Guys, guys! Enough. Come on, now! Give me a break. 3000 years ago, sure, I would have totally turn into all of you. But look, I am not that guy anymore. And after you wake up in a bunch of weird beds with people you don’t even remember meeting, you start to want something more. And that is when I really became Santa.

[Cut to the elves]

Kenan: Does this mean you’re not gonna do anything?

[Cut to Santa Claus. Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, he’ll do something, but only with me. Right, big guy?

Santa Claus: You heard her. She is the real boss around here.

[Cut to the elves]

Venessa: That’s very sweet.

Ryan: Yeah, thanks for sharing that with us.

Kenan: I think I needed to hear that.

[Cut to everyone]

Santa Claus: Now, alright you guys. Finish your toys and then pack up your elf junk. You’re all fired! Take care.

Ryan: Oh man!

Venessa: Oh man! Come on.

[Santa Claus and Aidy walk away]

[The End]

Ryan Gosling’s Magazine Cover Story

Ryan Gosling

Laura Sumner… Cecily Strong

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Trevor… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Ryan and Laura in a bar in Cornwall, Ontario]

Ryan: So, yea, this is the bar where I had my first legal beer. But, I may have slipped a couple before that. You know what I mean? [whispering] You can write that down.

Laura: [laughing] Okay. Your hometown is perfect for the stories. Readers are gonna love to know what it was like growing up Gosling.

Ryan: Well, you know, I’m an open book.

[Jerry comes in]

Jerry: Hey, glad you’re back Ryan. The Notebook is like, one of my favorite movies. Don’t tell my buddies though.

Ryan: Really?

Jerry: Yeah, seriously. Don’t tell them.

Ryan: Okay.

Jerry: Anyway, look, um, these are from the guy at the end of the bar over there.

[Cut to Trevor. He is waving at Ryan.]

[Cut to everybody]

Ryan: Oh, god!

Laura: What’s wrong?

Ryan: Oh, it’s this guy Trevor I went to school with.

Trevor: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. If it isn’t the little bitch I used to beat up in high school. Cryan Ryan Gosling. And who do we have here?

Ryan: [clears throat] Trevor, this is Laura Sumner.

Laura: Pleasure. I am writing an article on Ryan for GQ.

Trevor: Oh, Mr. Hotshot here is gonna be a little cover clown boy. Anyway, you’re not nervous about Tammy typewriter discovering some old secrets, are you?

Laura: Oh, I love secrets.

Ryan: Come on, Trevor. Now now.

Trevor: What’s the matter? Embarrassed Mr. Melody can’t quite hit the high notes anymore.

Laura: Did you sing growing up? Is it?

Ryan: Yeah, little bit. I don’t know. Yeah. I– just, please don’t do this Trevor.

Trevor: Oh, come on. I’m sure pretty pencil here would love to see you put on a little show for us. Hey, Jerry, why don’t you put on C-14.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: You got this, Ryan!

Ryan: I really don’t wanna do this.

[music playing]

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Ryan: [singing] No, no, no, no way

No, no, no, no way

I’m living without you

[Cut to Trevor. He shuts the music off.]

Trevor: Boring!

[Trevor walks to Ryan and Laura]

When we don’t we put ourselves to sleep, we’d watch your movies. But let’s face it. We only watch the trailers.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Hey, you’re making us proud, Ryan.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Very impressive voice.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: Oh, you like being impressed, huh? Well, crying Ryan here wasn’t just a sally song stress. He also used to dance around like a Tari-tu-tu.

[Cut to Ryan]

Ryan: He’s trying to say that I used to dance when I was a kid. I was a child dancer.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Oh, you know what? This is great stuff.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: You know what else would be great? If Ryan put on a special residal for our little Nancy newspaper.

Laura: Oh! GQ is a magazine.

Trevor: And maybe the whole bar would like to see that too.

Ryan: You know what? Fine! Alright? Hey, Jerry, can you throw on B-26?

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Yeah, B-26, of course.

[music playing]

[Cut to Ryan. He starts to dance. Two other girls start dancing with him.]

[cheers and applause]

[Trevor walks in laughing]

Trevor: Did everybody see that? A dancing boy? What’s next? You’re gonna put on a skirt and make us a breakfast? Right?

[Everybody is ignoring Trevor]

[Cut to Laura and Jerry]

Laura: My god, Ryan, you were amazing.

[Cut to Ryan and Trevor]

Ryan: Okay, you know, I think we should just go. It was nice running into each other.

[Ryan and Laura are walking]

Trevor: Leaving so soon? I thought we get to see all our friend. Scrony Iony.

Laura: Did you use to be skinny?

Ryan: I guess. I was smaller, yeah.

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: This guy was a toothpick. Still is, if you asked me. I bet he wish he could look like this. [Opens his shirt]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor. Ryan is laughing from the inside.]

Ryan: What are you doing?

Trevor: We’re taking off our shirts to compare our bodies.

[cheers and applause]

Ryan: I really do not want to do this, okay?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: You’re not better than me. I can dance. [Trevor starts dancing horribly.]

[Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor.]

I can sing too. [Trevor starts singing horribly]

[Trevor starts crying]

Ryan: It’s okay, man. It’s okay to cry. That takes guts.

Trevor: I just miss your around here, Ryan.

Laura: I think I got my cover story.

[Cut to GQ magazine front page with Ryan and Trevor’s picture. The title says, ‘Ryan Gosling has lame friends’.]

[The End]