Category: 2016

Julia Louis-Dreyfus Monologue

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Tony Hale

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you. Thank you so very much. Oh my god. I’m thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. [sigh] This is my third time hosting. Yeah, but if I’m really being honest that number feels a little low. Don’t you think? I mean it’s all good. SNL is a second home to me. I’m sure you all remember but I started out on this show in 1982 with Eddie Murphy and Martin Short. Well, here is one of my greatest characters.

[Cut to a short old footage of Julia Louis-Dreyfus in SNL sketch]

[Cut back to Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. After SNL, I was launched into a feature film career. In 1986, I scored the coveted role of Janet the Nymph in the classic movie ‘Troll’.

[Cut to a short footage of Julia Louis-Dreyfus from the movie Troll]

[Cut back to Julia Louis-Dreyfus]

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. But of course, Troll wasn’t the only movie I was in. I was also in a movie called Soul Man, which I would just love to show a clip of but I can’t because all of my scenes are with a man in black face.

[Cut to a picture of Soul Man movie’s poster. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is playing a black male character.]

[Cut back to Julia Louis-Dreyfus

I know. I know. That seems weird. But please understand, it was the 80s and black face had only been considered racist for about 40 years. But now people really know me and instead of saying, “Hey, that’s the lady from Troll,” now they say, “Hey, that’s the weird lady from the old Navy commercials.” And now I’m on Veep. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. But folks, I want to take a moment and I want to apologize to the people of America for what’s going on in this election. You know, when we started doing our show, the idea of a presidential candidate being a cursing narcissistic buffoon was supposed to be a joke. So again, I am very sorry. I think we may have been responsible for the– f- f- f– uh-uh, I need the next card.

[Cut to the Tony Hale as a cue holder. He is holding a card that says “Because I think we were responsible” and is not moving on to the next card.]

I mean, what are you doing? My god! How hard is this? How f-ing hard is this Gerard?

Tony Hale: It’s Tony. But that’s–

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No, it’s not.

Tony Hale: You’re right. You’re right. I just wanna say, [laughing] you’re doing a great job. You need to host the show every single week.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah. I know. I know. Now, go in with the cards, okay?

Tony Hale: Okay.

[Tony Hale leaves]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: We’ve got a great show. Nick Jonas is here so stick around, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

Huge Jewelry

Gabriel Balinia… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Dana Balania Zonurela… Kate McKinnon

Audrina… Cecily Strong

Valencia… Aidy Bryant

Risabella… Vanessa Bayer

Gatzora… Sasheer Zamata

Antony… Nick Jonas

[Starts with Gabriel and Dana]

Gabriel: Hello, my name is Gabriel Balinia.

Dana: And I’m Dana Balania Zonurela.

Gabriel: Here in Long Island, the only thing as big as our dreams is our family.

Dana: And our god given breasts.

[laughing]

Gabriel: But more than that, our jewelry. That’s why we are the proud sister owners of Long Island zone ‘Huge Jewelry.’

Dana: Located in a beautiful strip mole of a Jergo Turn.

Gabriel: You know, Huge Jewelry.

Dana: Do you want people to notice you but don’t care if it’s good or bad?

Gabriel: Honestly, why wear jewelry unless you can see it from space?

Dana: Right?

Gabriel: Case in point, this exquisite destiny three piece modeled my my beautiful daughter, Audrina.

[Audrina walks in with her neck and cleavage covered with jewelry]

Oh, come on! Isn’t this piece of jewelry huge? And Huge as same as good. Audrina, how do you feel in that gorgeous piece of jewelry?

Audrina: It’s crushing my windpipe.

Dana: Gabriel, I gotta say it’s absolutely gorgeous.

Gabriel: Yeah.

Dana: Gorgeous girl. That body.

Gabriel: Oh, my daughter? Gorgeous body, gorgeous girl with bang.

Dana: I bet she gets spanked all the time.

Gabriel: Well, enjoy it well at last because–

Dana: Because it’s just like they say…

Gabriel and Dana: When the body goes, the jewelry grows.

Gabriel: Audrina, why don’t you tell the viewers at home a little bit about yourself?

Audrina: My name is Audrina. I am DanaGabriel. My dream is to be a doctor or I get paid to stay next to cars. My dad!

Gabriel: Yeah, good job honey. I’ll see you at home, I’m making stuff shells.

[Audrina leaves]

You like the dress by the way, oh my god! I bought it three AM on my iPad while I waited for my back medication to kick in.

Dana: Oh, how is your back?

Gabriel: Oh, it’s bad. But doctor says it’s because of my Huger Jewelry, but I think it’s stress.

Dana: It’s definitely stress. You do too much. And speaking of too much, look at this exquisite pendant earring from Fabina Marcos and God Sons.

[Valencia walks in wearing large earrings]

Modeled by my beautiful daughter, Valencia.

Gabriel: Valencia is wearing a full J drop earring complete with a patted in bologna earring shoulder brace.

Dana: Boring earrings hang from the ear. Huge earrings are elevated by the shoulder.

Valencia: Yeah. Because otherwise the earrings will rip your earlobes straight off.

Dana: Valencia!

Valencia: What? I should know. It happened to me. Didn’t have these shoulders do my gigs and my ear ripped right through.

Dana: The doctor glued it back together. What’s the big deal? Earlobes are like your liver. You don’t need it.

Valencia: Alright, am I done? Can I go out please?

Dana: Yes. I’m so proud of you. I love you.

[Valencia leaves]

Gabriel: Oh my god! Gorgeous. She’s absolutely breathtaking. Well, our next look is my absolute favorite Huge Jewelry. It’s the Faviana Kate Collection.

Dana: Oh! Modeled by my Gatzora Katziana.

Gabriel: And my niece, Risabella.

[Risabella and Gatzora walk in wearing a necklaces having large football size pearls hanging on them. Risabella is wearing it hanging in the front and Gatzora is wearing it hanging at the back.]

Risabella: Two ways.

Gatzora: One huge piece of jewelry.

Gabriel: You can rock the pearl in the front.

Dana: Or let your pearl just hang out in the back.

Gabriel: Come on! don’t they look gorgeous? And the necklaces are only $12, how do we do that?

Dana: They’re filled with dirt.

Gabriel: Great job girls. Now you can go.

Dana: Go!

[Risabella and Gatzora leave]

Gabriel: So come on down to Huge Jewelry and also, we do men. So, please welcome my god nephew Antony Marcos Prince Mortadella.

[Antony walks in wearing a chained board that has his name written on it]

Antony: Customizable jewelry! Also, you can put whatever you want on it.

Gabriel: I mean, when did you get so hot?

Dana: I know. He used to have pimples [showing different parts of her body] here, here, here.

Gabriel: Yeah. Well no. Not anymore. Is that necklace heavy for you Antony?

Antony: Nah! Nah, I’m pretty much jacked to the max.

Gabriel: Antony, when did you get so hot?

Antony: Last May.

Gabriel and Dana: Aw!

Male voice:H uge Jewelry in Massapequa, Long Island.

Heroin AM

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[Starts with Kate passing her kids lunch boxes]

Kate: There we go sweeties.

[the kids walk away.]

I’m a mom. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t like to have fun.

[Cut to Beck driving children around]

Beck: I drive a mini-van, but I can let loose a little too.

[Cut to Julia sitting with her kid]

Julia: I wanna use heroine, but I also wanna get stuff done. That’s I reach for [showing the box] Heroine AM. The only non-drowsy heroin on the market so I can get jacked on scag and then get to work.

[Cut to Beck in the football field]

Beck: When I’ve been called timeout to inject black tar heroin, there was almost stigma about it. But with Heroin AM, I’m almost more alert than if I weren’t on heroin.

[Cut to a video showing graphs]

Female voice: Heroin use in America is steadily on the rise. But productivity among heroin users has remained stagnant.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: That’s why Heroin AM combines heroin with five milligrams of caffein and a small pile of cocaine.

[Cut to Julia]

Julia: And now available in gummy bears which you can melt down and inject.

Female voice: Side effects include: It’s heroin, so all that stuff.

[Cut to Julia with her kid]

Julia: So now I can chase a dragon while I also chase this little guy.

[playing with her son]

I’m gonna get ya’.

[her son runs to his father]

Dad: Wow, this might be the first afternoon mom doesn’t need a nap. [laughing]

[Cut to Julia laughing]

[Cut to Julia seeing her kid and her husband as monsters laughing]

[Cut to Julia laughing like a mad person and her kid and husband looking at her concerned.]

Female voice: Heroin AM, from the makers of Cocaine PM.

[Cut to Julia on a driver’s seat]

Julia: I went from nodding off to nodding yes to more heroin. [looking at the rear-view mirror] Now who’s ready for school?

[Cut to a bus full of kids]

Kids: Yes!

[The End]

God is a Boob Man Trailer

Beth… Vanessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Jon Rudnitsky

Sasheer Zamata

Schmul… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Governor… Bobby Moynihan

[Starting of a movie trailer]

Male voice: Beth was a small town baker without a care.

[Taran walks in Beth’s bakery[

Taran: Hi there. I’d like to order a wedding cake.

Beth: Of course. Where is the lucky bride?

[Taran looks around]

Taran: He is right here.

[Jon walks to Taran and holds him]

Male voice: Until her fate was tested.

Taran: Now, make the cake.

Male voice: They wanted her to spit in the face of god.

[Beth is making the cake while Taran and Jon are watching]

Taran: I said make the cake.

Beth: I can’t do it.

Male voice: From the makers of God on the Run and Angel in Denim: The Kim Davis Story.

[Cut to Beth and Sasheer behind their bakery.]

Sasheer: What are you thinking? Gays are the most powerful force in America.

Male voice: A story of liberal elites run wild.

Taran: You’ll be hearing from our Jewish lawyer.

[Cut to Beth called in for the case]

Schmul : My name is Schmul from the SOU. You are in lot of trouble, Beth.

Beth: What do you people want from me?

Schmul : My clients just need you to say three simple words.

Taran: [counting the words in his fingers] God is gay.

Beth: But he is not gay. God is as straight as they come.

Schmul : Then I guess we’ll be seeing you in court.

[Cut to Beth walking to the court. The song ‘Fight Song’ by Rachel Platten is playing.]

Beth: Gays are trying to force their agenda. They’re even teaching it in school.

Male voice: Only she has the courage to say.

Beth: [To Sasheer] They say we’re bigot but Christians are the most oppressed group in this country.

Sasheer: Maybe!

Beth: But I’m gonna prove once and for all that god is straight.

[talking in court] If god is gay then why aren’t there any gay priests?

Judge: Miss Walsh, you are on thin ice. You know god is gay. Just admit it!

Beth: No.

Male voice: She needed an aliy.

[Cut to governor’s meeting]

Cecily: Governor, we are the poorest state in the country, second in obesity, third in teen pregnancy. We have to do something.

[Beth walks in the meeting]

Governor: Well, hold that thought. [To Beth] What’s wrong ma’am?

Beth: I wanna deny basic goods and services to gay people.

Governor: [looks around] Everybody out. This is the priority now.

[Cut to the court]

Judge: Last chance miss Walsh. Let’s hear it.

[Beth stands]

Beth: God… is… [Taran and Jon are watching her] a boob man!

[everybody in the court cheer for her]

Male voice: God is a Boob Man. Rated R for graphic gay sexual content.

Cinema Classics Marla Barlett

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

William… Taran Killam

Marla Barlett… Julia louis-Drefus

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese De’What. Tonight we look back at the career of one of golden era Hollywood’s most accomplished film actresses Marla Bartlett. Inspired by fellow actor Marlin Brando, Marla would sometimes hide snippets of her lines around the set so she could discover them in the moment and deliver them fresh. Why did she go to these lengths? I do not know. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. She said, “Guess what I want for my birthday.” And I said, “Your face from 10 years ago?” Worst IBF appointment ever! Let’s watch a scene from 1953’s classic drama ‘Women Tormented’, starring Marla Bartlett and see if you can spot where she hit he lines on the set.

[Cut to a clip from the drama ‘Women Tormented’]

William: I know you never told me to come back. But I can’t resist you, Elinor. This probably won’t mean much now but I brought you this. [puts a necklace on Marla’s neck] Just a small token of my affection. Do tell me you like it. What do you think?

[Marla looks at the mirror. There is “It’s beautiful, William.” written on the mirror.]

[Marla looks around]

Marla: It’s beautiful, William.

William: Then I suppose the only question is, what are we going to do about my wife?

[Marla runs towards the window and opens the curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “What if she went”.]

Marla: What if she went…

[Marla opens another curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “Missing”.]

missing.

[Cut to William]

William: Are you suggesting what I think you are?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks under it. There’s written “Yes”.]

[Marla walks to William]

Marla: [softly] Yes.

William: Are you positive?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks at the ‘Yes’ written under it again.]

Marla: Yes.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see any of her lines? I think I saw like, three. Was that right? [looking around] Hello? Is it just me here? Am I the only one working today? Soon, Marla was completely dependent on the hidden lines. But as filming progressed, her dark secret was exposed that she was too vein for her reading glasses. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie clip again]

William: Darling, I can’t go through with this. I love you, but we’re talking about murder.

[Marla walks away and looks behind a pot and reads.]

Marla: Murder is such a strong word.

[Marla picks up a clock and is searching for her lines]

Don’t you think?

[Marla picks up a glass of drink and starts drinking it as her line is written at the bottom of the glass.]

I certainly do.

[Marla picks up an ashtray beside the glass and reads.]

[sobbing] Made in China.

[Cut to Marla]

William: But Elinor, if we get caught it would mean the chair.

[Marla runs to William and unbuttons his shirt. There’s her lines written on his chest.]

Marla: William. Don’t be foolish. It’s too late. Far, far too late. I think we both know that. [reads her lines] And now kick me.

William: [whispering] I think it says ‘kiss me’.

Marla: [reads the lines again] No, it says kick me.

William: I guarantee it does not say ‘kick me’.

Marla: Kick me like you mean it.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see that? That other actor looked straight into the camera and gave a little mouth blow like [mimicking the mouth blow]. The director only let him kick her two times before he called cut. Let’s watch one final scene where Marla’s co-star’s frustration is clearly apparent.

[Cut to the movie clip again]

[William and Marla are standing facing each other when Kate walks in]
Kate: William, how could you?

William: Darling, I’m so sorry. But I have to do this.

[William pulls out a gun]

Kate: Oh, William, why? Why? You love me, remember? Come to your senses.

William: I’m– I’m sorry.

[William shoots at Marla and Marla falls on a piano. Marla is now looking for her lines on the fruits.]

Marla: I’ve been shot.

[Cut to William and Kate]

Kate: Are you sure?

[Marla falls and is crawling towards William and Kate]

William: Where are you going?

Marla: I need the shell that says ‘Yes’.

William: Then why don’t you just say ‘Yes’?

Marla: Shell.

[William brings the shell to her]

Marla: Yes!

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Okay, I don’t think I can do this anymore. We used to do good movies. I don’t know what happened. Well, for Cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Brooklyn Democratic Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… David Larry

Arrow Louis… Kenan Thompson

Elaine Benes… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Rachael Green… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening and welcome to the CNN Democratic Debate live from Brooklyn, New York. i am Wolf Blitzer and believe it or not i shaved five minutes ago. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to the podium]

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello Brooklyn. Whoo! I cannot wait to be your next president, if I’m elected of course. Not getting ahead of myself… in public. In private, I’ve been president for 15 years.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer.]

Wolf Blitzer: And Vermont senator, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders walks to this podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. Good for you. Good for you. I am Bernie Sanders. I am a voice for regular people. I’m not fancy. I’m not the elite. I put on my pants just like all of you. I sit on the edge of the bed and Jane pulls them up for me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Well, thank you both for making time to be here. I know it’s hard for both of you to agree on a date.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well no. Not for me, Wolf. I offered up a date right away. I said, “How about Mapril thirty-third aploo-ploo-o’clock?”

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf, I want a million debates. When people hear my message it resonates loud and clear. Because I always talk like I’m on the other side of a river.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. You recently stood by governor Cuomo as he signed a $15 minimum wage into law. So you no longer think it should be $12?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No. Wolf, I have said from the beginning that it should be a combination of 12 and/or 15.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. No you didn’t. You always said 12.

Hillary Clinton: And 15. I said 12 and/or 15.

Bernie Sanders: No. That’s not true.

Hillary Clinton: [pointing at Bernie Sanders] Yes, it is.

Bernie Sanders: [pointing at Hillary Clinton and walking a step forward towards Hillary Clinton aggressively] No, it is not.

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: No.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders start hitting each other]

[Hillary Clinton grabs Bernie Sanders by his neck and rubs her knuckle on his forehead]

Hillary Clinton: Are you feeling the Bern?

Bernie Sanders: It burns.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Secretary Clinton, come on, let him go. Let him go.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, raising both her hands as celebrating her fight victory.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s how we do it in Brooklyn, baby. Whoo! God I love Brooklyn. Brooklyn, the only place on earth where the [whispering inaudibly] is better than the [whispering inaudibly].

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. We now have a question about black issues. So for that, we turn to our black moderator, Arrow Louis.

[Wolf Blitzer leaves and Arrow Louis walks in]

[romantic music playing]

Arrow Louis: Oh, yeah, candidates. It’s time for the black question. So you know, they asked me to do it. And I’m gonna do it real good. Here we go.

[music stops]

Secretary Clinton, in 1994, you supported a crime bill that has led to the mass incarceration of many black people. Do you regret this decision?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I am laughing to give myself time to think about how to answer this question. Ha-ha. [thinking] Got it. Listen Wolf, the black community loves me. And I love them. In fact, I have two black people in my phone. Barack Obama and my husband Bill Clinton. God, I love Barack. We do every thing together. We’re always chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and [singing] shooting some b-ball outside of the school with a couple of guys, that they were up to no good.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow-wow,wow-wow. I’m gonna stop you right there. You already have the black vote. Don’t ruin it.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf! Let me just say I have supported the black community since the Rachael Green0s. I marched in Selma with Martin Luther King Jr. Did I run when they turned on the hoses? Yes. I didn’t sign up for getting wet. I’m not getting sick in Selma, I’ll tell you that.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Moving on. Secretary Clinton, many have said this campaign has gotten meaner in recent weeks. Do you think you played a part in this?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, come on Wolf. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. Just ask anyone except those close to me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, since we’re here in New York we thought it would be appropriate to take questions from some real New Yorkers in the audience.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Sure, sure, bring it on.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our first question comes from a long time New Yorker. She has worked in publishing and her name is Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes in the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, yeah, I have two questions. My first is for senator Sanders.

[Cut to split screen]

Bernie Sanders: I couldn’t hear the question.

Elaine Benes: Yeah. I didn’t ask it yet, Bernie. So listen, you’ve been pretty vague in the past, but how exactly are you gonna break up the big banks?

Bernie Sanders: You mean the big bank breakup?

Elaine Benes: Yeah, big bank breakup.

[Bernie Sanders gesturing like he’s slapping it]

Bernie Sanders: I will break em’ up!

Elaine Benes: How? How?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Once I’m elected president, I’ll have nice schvitz in the White House gym. Then I’ll go to the big banks. I’ll sit them down. And yada-yada-yada, they’ll be broken up.

[Cut to split screen]

Elaine Benes: What? No! No! You can’t yada-yada at a debate! Also, you yada-yada over the best part.

Bernie Sanders: No. I mentioned the schvitz.

Elaine Benes: Okay, secretary Clinton. [Hillary Clinton appears in place of Bernie Sanders] My question for you is don’t it suck to be the only girl in a group of guys?

Hillary Clinton: [raising both hands] Yes, it does my sister friend.

Elaine Benes: Well, don’t worry because everyone thinks you are by far the funniest. I mean, the most qualified.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Then what the hell am I?

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: You’re bald.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Bernie has gotten upset!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question is another long time New Yorker. She works in fashion and her name is Rachael Green.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Ah-ah, yeah! So, because of the, um, the uh, uh, ya, and um, what would? Yeah.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Ma’am, that wasn’t a question. And your time is up.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Oh, great! Great!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question comes from a father of six. He’s a OBGYN in Brooklyn and his name is Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: Oh, no! No! No!

Bernie Sanders: Forget that. No.

[Hillary Clinton turns around]

I need black voters but not that bad.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Then it looks like we have one final question, and we’re going back to Miss Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: Yea, senator Sanders, [Cut to split screen] you believe that the super rich should pay more in taxes.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Right. That’s right.

Elaine Benes: But wouldn’t that be bad for actors who made a lot of money on a certain very successful sitcom?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. So?

Elaine Benes: Well, I mean wouldn’t it be even worse for the person who created that sitcom? I mean, wouldn’t he lose a lot of money? Do you see what I’m saying?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Eee- yeah, yeah, yeah. You should vote for her.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Elaine Benes runs in.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s me, yes. And…

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Elaine Benes: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Affair with Chad

Chad… Pete Davidson

Miss Hanler… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Toby… Nick Jonas

[Starts with Chad cleaning the pool listening to the music]

[Miss Hanler gets back home]

Miss Hanler: Chad! Chad!

Chad: [turns around] Wad up, miss Hanler?

[Chad walks in]

Hey.

Miss Hanler: Oh, my god.

[Chad and Miss Hanler start kissing]

Oh, oh. No, no Chad. We can’t do this anymore.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad turns around and walks]

Miss Hanler: Wait. I couldn’t sleep last night.

Chad: Oh, I hate that.

Miss Hanler: What am I doing? Am I some bored housewife who is having an affair with her 23 year old poolboy? I mean, [hand gesturing] what is this?

Chad: Your kitchen.

Miss Hanler: No. I mean us. I really hope you understand that we have to end this.

Chad: Okay.

[Cut to Miss Hanler walking in her kitchen talking]

Miss Hanler: God, I had no idea it would be this hard. It’s just when we first–

[engine noise]

[Cut to Chad. He is already at the pool outside cleaning it.]

Chad!

Chad: Wad up?

Miss Hanler: You deserve an explaination.

Chad: Oh, okay. Cool.

[Chad turns the engine off and walks in]

Miss Hanler: Look. You’ve done nothing wrong. Okay? I should have known better. But I don’t know. It was just– it was fun. It was new.

Chad: Okay.

Miss Hanler: But my god, I’m a married woman with three kids. My husband’s in the city council. I’ve put PTA present in at Melony’s school.

Chad: Who is Melony?

Miss Hanler: My daughter.

Chad: Okay.

Miss Hanler: God, if this got out it would just ruin my life. Our family’s lives.

Chad: Ah, my bad.

Miss Hanler: But all I want to do is clear the bags off this table and take me right down.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad starts putting the bags down.]

Miss Hanler: But you can’t.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad puts the bags back on the table.]

Miss Hanler: Because I’ve learned that sometimes getting what you want means losing what you already have. [takes an envelope out] Look, I wrote this for you last night.

Chad: Oh, okay. [takes the envelope.]

Miss Hanler: Oh my god, I’m blushing. [closing eyes] I just want you to know that I’m not a very good writer. I mean it’s not sophisticated but it’s how I feel. I mean every word of what I wrote.

Chad: Whoa! [Cut to Chad. He is at the pool and he has found a dead squirrel] Hey, Miss Hanler, I found a dead squirrel in your pool. [He just throws the squirrel away and starts cleaning the pool]

[Miss Hanler walks to the door and watches Chad clean the pool.]

Miss Hanler: Good bye, Chad.

[grass cutter engine sound]

[Miss Hanler looks at lawn]

[Cut to Toby using the grass cutter.]

Hello.

Toby: Wad up?

Miss Hanler: Where is Phillip?

Toby: My uncle just hired me. I’m going to be doing your house now. I’m Toby.

[Cut to Miss Hanler.]

Miss Hanler: [smiling] I wanna fuck that kid.

[The End]

Weekend Update Deenie

Colin Jost

Deenie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The much talked about mini series, the People VS OJ Simpson end of this week, here with a wrap up is somebody’s mom, Deenie.

[Deenie slides in chewing something. She has food in the box she has in her hand.]

Hi Deenie, how are you?

Deenie: I’m sort of warm by my schoop neck. These lights are so hot. I’m sweating like a mouse at a cat show. Yikes! [looking at Colin Jost] Gosh, you look hunky tonight, huh? Wow, you look like, what’s his face? The guy on the show with the girl with the red bob.

Colin Jost: I– Thank you. [Deenie is eating] So, Deenie, do you wanna give us recap on the OJ mini series?

Deenie: Oh, yea, yea. [Cut to Deenie] I didn’t get through all of it yet coz I had to finish my subs first. Boy, are they ever getting good. Oh, man! Are you up to date? [Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost] Coz I don’t wanna spoil anything.

Colin Jost: No. No. I’m all behind.

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Okay. So the whole family turned on mustache and he went to jail. And now red head is walking the fall out shelter with mustache’s twin brother no-mustache. But just when they were getting real cozy, it turned into the Nancy in funeral.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: This was the soap opera?

Deenie: Yes.

Colin Jost: Okay. And then did you watch OJ?

Deenie: Oh, and then I was about to, [Cut to Deenie] but then I spilled tuna casserole on my freaking clicker. And it kept going through the People VS BJ Simpson. And I couldn’t get out of it.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what happened then?

Deenie: Well, first off, [Cut to Deenie] two tan guy and dead eyes start a real show.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, wait. Hold on. So you just watched a porn?

Deenie: Well, I didn’t have my glasses on. But it sounded like someone was plunging a toilet and getting real fresh.

Colin Jost: Okay. What are you eating by the way? It looks like you’re really enjoying.

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Yeah. It’s Brussel’s sprouts and imitation crab.

Colin Jost: Oh, it’s good combo.

Deenie: Brussel’s sprouts are a riot. Coz they smell like a fart but they actually tastes like a burp.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s a good–

Deenie: You want one?

Colin Jost: Oh, I shouldn’t.

Deenie: You want me to save you one or two of these stink-bumps so you can pop in during the commercial?

Colin Jost: Really cool, but thank you. That’s–

[Deenie puts a piece of her food on the table for Colin Jost]

So tempting but…

[Colin Jost picks the food up with his pen and throws it behind]

Deenie: Yeah, put it away. Save it.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’ll save it.

Deenie: It’ll be good later.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Did you ever end up watching– [laughing] Did you ever end up watching OJ by the way?

Deenie: I was doing Thomas Kinkade puzzles of the light house at the same time. But I got the jisp.

Colin Jost: Well do you wanna give us the jisp?

Deenie: Yea, sure, sure. [Cut to Deenie] Okay, so I watch one where show me the money try down to glove the trunk and then curly head got really mad at black Mr. Clean. And then stunk hair from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. kept bringing up the Jews.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, I think that was Robert Kardashian. And I think he was saying ‘Juice’.

Deenie: Oh, okay. [Cut to Deenie] Well, all I know is that I figured out who did it in the first five minutes. You’d have to be a dumb ass not to get that one.

Colin Jost: And what show are you gonna watch next?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: I’m starting to watch that one with the dark hair and worry word and crazy hair and the woman who looks at all of them like she wants to hit them with her car.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Ah, I’m gonna guess, Sienfield?

Deenie: No, the Election.

Colin Jost: Oh, the Election. Yea. Deenie, everyone.

[The End]

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Major league baseball return this week. The Golden State Warriors are chasing history and the final round of the master’s tournament is set to start on Sunday. Here with his unique take of the world of sports is veteran stand up coming, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Hey. Oh! It’s so good to be here Michael. Now, can we hurry this up? I’m trying to get home in time to watch the… big game.

[silence]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t think any games are starting this late.

Bruce Chandling: Exactly! Ay, that’s just a thing, right? Also Che, we’re on the same page. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] One thing we can all agree on is that [laughing] women do not get sports.

[silence]

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: That’s your unique take?

Bruce Chandling: Ay, hear me out Michael. Hear me out. I bring my girl at the ball game that day. it’s a true story by the way. It actually happened. Whole time she’s going, [Cut to Bruce Chandling] “Who is winning, Bruce? Which team is which? Why aren’t they all shoppy?” Please, I’m asking myself, ‘Am I watching a baseball game or solving a mystery?’

Michael Che: Bruce, there are millions of female sports fans.

Bruce Chandling: [laughing] Great routine. But you know, [Cut to Bruce Chandling] we all live in different day and age. Right? Case in point. Male cheerleaders? [laughing] Oh, ouch! I mean, they stink. [Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling] Right Michael?

Michael Che: What? That’s the whole joke?

Bruce Chandling: Uh-huh! These days they’ll turn anything into sport.

Michael Che: Okay.

Bruce Chandling: Horse racing. You heard about this?

Michael Che: Yeah, man.

Bruce Chandling: You’ve seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: It is where they put a person on top of a horse and ride around a circle. Now I don’t know about you, Michael, but I never heard about a guy on a horse. [laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: What? What about cowboys? Okay, I’m sorry. Did you run these jokes by anybody? Like, do you have any friends that you can work your material out on first before you come on national TV?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Hah-ha-ha. [looks around] I guess… Ha-ha-ha. No, I don’t.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Oh, my bad man. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: And not only do people not want to be around me coz they think I’m boring, but it probably doesn’t help that I’m also very poor.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: [laughing] Jeez. Alright. [Awkward]

Bruce Chandling: You can call me Mr. worthless pile of junk.

Michael Che: Oh, come on. Hey, Bruce. I’m really sorry, bud. Maybe live television isn’t the place to work on your personal issues.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Um-hmm. I guess the only issue I have worked out is that… [smiling] women do not get sports. [laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Bruce Chadling, everybody.

[Colin Jost laughing]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

[The End]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a license plate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Nebraska has canceled plans for a new license plate design of a man from his seeds after it was noted that the image was sexually suggestive. However, the new design of a man husking corn isn’t much better.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of inside the subway and a knife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police in New York are searching for a teenage girl who stabbed a 13-year-old boy on the subway after a friend of his called her ugly. So, let this be a lesson, kids. Ugly girls are crazy.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Villanova logo]

Congratulations to Villanova who won the NCAA championship game 77 to 74 beating North Carolina on a three-point shot at the buzzer. You know, I wonder if Charles Barkley had any money on the game.

[Cut to a video clip of Charles Barkley watching game and celebrating at the three-point shot at the buzzer. He is dancing and jumping.]

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

That is clearly the celebration of a man who just found out he gets to keep his thumbs.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Warner Brothers logo and cartoon character Speedy Gonzalez at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Warner Brothers is reportedly working on a movie about Speedy Gonzalez. But before you get too excited, it’s called Speedy Gonzalez Vs Batman Vs Superman. So, it’s gonna be bad.

[Picture changes to Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton was criticized this week for snapping at Black Lives Matter protestors at a Clinton rally in Philadelphia. And I understand where Bill’s coming from. I mean, he is defending his wife. It doesn’t matter how wrong she is. Coz Bill knows he’s still gonna take his black hands home. And if anybody should support their wife, it’s Bill Clinton. As much as Hillary has put up with, she should be able to fist fight a black baby on BET and Bill better say, “I support that woman.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The owners of an apartment complex in Michigan have all tenants to give DNA samples of their dogs so that they can determine who is not picking up after their pet. And after analyzing the DNA, it turned out the culprit was, well this is weird, OJ Simpson.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of one hand climbing a rock and British flag.]

Michael Che: I don’t believe he did that either. A British woman with only one arm has become a competitive rock climber. She is known for her famous catch phrase, “Help! I’m falling!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: This week, Rob Kardashian got engaged to model Black Chyna. Incidentally, Black Chyna is also what my grandfather calls the movie ‘Rush Hour’.

[The End]