Tag: Aidy Bryant

Right Side of the Bed with Martin Freeman

Corey Chisum… Taran Killam

Grace Chisum… Cecily Strong

Louis Dukes… Martin Freeman

Kyle Mooney

Emily Margine… Aidy Bryant

Keith Urban… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with WSB/TV Atlanta intro]

Announcer: You’re watching WSB/TV Atlanta. Up next, it’s Right side of the Bed.

[Cut to Right side of the Bed video bumper]

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum on a sofa]

Corey Chisum: Good mid-morning, y’all.

Grace Chisum: Y’all, you’re watching Right side of the Bed. I’m Grace Chisum. And I’m here with my husband, the diva, himself.

Corey Chisum: Ah! Oh, please! I m Corey Chisum and she’s already trying to get on my nerves.

Grace Chisum: You just can handle it.

Corey Chisum: I handled you for about two hours straight last night, didn’t hear you complain.

Grace Chisum: Corey, get your mouth out of the gutter.

Corey Chisum: Well, excuse me, that’s where it lives.

Grace Chisum: Okay, whatever guys, we got some great guests today. Coming up later is local contractor Louis Dukes.

[Cut to Louis Dukes]

He’s gonna show us some right tips winterizing our homes.

Corey Chisum: There he is. Hi, Louis. He’s little cutie. He promises that he is gonna cut our heating bill in half.

Grace Chisum: Well, if anyone could do it, Louis Dukes can do it. He’s the best.

Corey Chisum: I hear you.

Louis Dukes: Um, am I still on camera?

Corey Chisum: Wave and smile

Louis Dukes: Wave and smile? Okay.

Corey Chisum: Ha-ha-ha. Okay, now that’s enough wave. Okay, Louis, we’re gonna check in with you later.

Grace Chisum: Bye, Louis. Boy, I can’t wait to hear those tips. Our bills so ding-dong high.

Corey Chisum: Well, our bill’s high coz you always got the fridge door open.

Grace Chisum: Now, Corey, don’t go there. I can talk about my weight, you cannot.

Corey Chisum: Well, I’m the one who dresses you in the morning.

Grace Chisum: Oh, please.

Corey Chisum: I’m the one who has to zip up your slacks in the back.

Grace Chisum: Oh, my god.

Corey Chisum: Thank you.

Grace Chisum: Corey! Just looking at you makes me tired.

Corey Chisum: Ah!

Grace Chisum: Okay, guys, if you’re just joining us, later on we’ve got local contractor Louis Dukes with his winter tips.

[Cut to Louis Dukes chewing his nails]

Corey Chisum: Alright Louis. We caught him. We caught him off guard. That’s okay, Louis. I guess he’s just about the handiest man around.

Louis Dukes: Is it time now?

[Kyle comes in]

Kyle: No, we’re just on our way. You look great.]

[Kyle walks away]

[Louis Dukes is waving his one hand and holding a saw with his other hand.]

Corey Chisum: Oh, my goodness. Looks like he’s got a lot to show us, something with the saw. Oh, man, we can’t wait to talk to you a little bit later, Louis.

Grace Chisum: Okay, see you soon Louis.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Oh, man! Is it just me or he’s as cute as the cutest thing there could be?

Corey Chisum: Oh! Watch it, lady. You are all mine.

Grace Chisum: You know, I’m joking. I’m just pulling both of your legs.

Corey Chisum: Well, I’m gonna pull your hair while you pull something else on me.

Grace Chisum: Corey! You are a true hand on.

Corey Chisum: What? I’m just a red blooded American male like everybody else on the planet.

Grace Chisum: Okay. You’re acting like a tool. And tools are Louis’s thing.

[Cut to Louis Dukes]

There he is.

Louis Dukes: Are you kidding?

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Come on, dance!

[Kyle walks away]

[Louis Dukes starts dancing]

Corey Chisum: Wow, Louis, Louis, he gotta go! Oh, my goodness. That I’m so excited. Look, he’s dancing.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Grace Chisum: Wow, does he know how to tease a segment or what?

Corey Chisum: I wish you knew something about teasing.

Grace Chisum: Oh! Please! I am the one who likes foreplay.

Corey Chisum: Get real, miss thing. You just hop on it like a hog full of corncob.

Grace Chisum: You are out of control today. Okay guys, before we get to Louis, we got something kind of sad. We’re gonna be talking to our producer Emily Margine whose half brother was just this morning at 7 am executed by the side of Georgia.

[Cut to Emily Margine waving her hand]

Oh, she must be sad.

Corey Chisum: Yeah, she sure looks sad, don’t she?

[cut to sad Emily Margine and Louis Dukes dancing]

Oh, but look at Louis. He’s still dancing.

Louis Dukes: Am I supposed to be here right now?

Emily Margine: Why are you dancing?

Louis Dukes: He told me to.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Corey Chisum: What? That’s a phrase he told her.

Grace Chisum: Okay, someone’s trying to be a drama queen up in here.

Corey Chisum: Excuse me, Louis, that is my job.

Grace Chisum: That’s his.

Corey Chisum: It’s on my license plate. D-R-M-A-N-Q-N, Drama-qn.

Grace Chisum: Guys, you got a cigarette, coz we’ve got so many great guests. We got Louis Dukes, Sad producer Margine, and best of all, country sensation Keith Urban is here to show us how to winterize our home.

[Cut to Louis Dukes, Emily Margine and Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Your house is gonna be as warm as wallway’s patch.

Louis Dukes: Keith Urban is winterizing too? Why?

Kyle: Just dance.

[Louis Dukes start dancing]

Corey Chisum: We’ll be back. See you later.

Grace Chisum: I will see you guys.

Corey Chisum: Thanks Louis.

Peter Pan Live

Michael…Kyle Mooney

Windy… Kate McKinnon

Peter Pan… Cecily Strong

John… Beck Bennett

Talkerbell… Aidy Bryant

Captain Hook… James Franco

[Starts with Peter Pan intro]

Male voice: We now return to Peter Pan live, starring Allison Williams and Christopher Walken.

[Cut to two men and a women tied on a wood in a ship.]

Michael: Windy, what do we do? Captain Hook is gonna make us walk the plank.

Windy: Don’t worry Michael. I’m sure Peter Pan will come to save us.

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: [cuckooing] Did somebody say my name?

[Cut to everybody.]

Michael, Windy and John: Peter Pan!

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: Yes, it is I. The boy who will never grow up. And yes, you heard me, I’m a boy. The most gorgeous womanly boy with shiny bright eyes and feminine features. A boy!

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: And look, it’s Tinkerbell.

[Cut to Peter Pan looking at the light]

Peter Pan: Well, Tinkerbell is out of town. But I found a replacement fairy.

[Cut to the fairy]

Talkerbell: Wad up, players? Yes, that’s right. It’s me Talkerbell. I am back and that’s what’s up.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Michael: Ew, Peter, what is that?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, please, fancy business baby. Okay, you know me. I’m Tinkerbell’s half sister. I’m half fly, half fairy, which means fairy dust-dust shake off my ass. But I also enjoy landing on raw meat and going like this.

[Talkerbell rubs her hands like a housefly.]

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Talkabell, focus. We need to free Windy, Michael and John.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Yes, free us Talkabell.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, well, do not bust my ass around, okay? Peter, I do not work for you, okay? I work for myself and a reverse tooth fairy. That’s why I fly into kid’s bedrooms, I take a dollar and I leave one of my own teeth. And I got a lot of teeth, so business is very cool.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Wow, that story makes me want do dance with my shapely boy legs.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Oh, no, Peter. Look, here comes Captain Hook.

[Cut to Captain Hook . He is with his crew.]

Captain Hook: Well, hello there. It’s me, Captain Hook. The most terrifying pirate in all of– never land. Boo.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, this is Captain Hook? That’s a damn!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Wow. You’re not spooked by me?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, that’s a no, Hook. Coz with that make up, you look like a gay, sire.

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Well, maybe this scary song will change your mind.

[Captain Hook and the crew walk forward]

Hit it boys.

[Music playing. The crew start singing and dancing while Captain Hook stands still.]

Crew: Are you a scary pirate?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: With a tiny pink umbrella?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: And when we do all the singing

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: While you’re just kind of talking.

Captain Hook: Yes!

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, Captain Hook, even though you only got one hand, you should still be able to carry a tone. And you just got Talked!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Watch your tongue, Tongkerbell, or you’ll walk the plank with the children.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: [laughing] Okay, Hook, are you even hearing yourself now? Your life goal is to throw a bunch of toddlers into the ocean. You’re freaking. I like it.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: And you know what I like? Being a boy! And staring at HBO’s girls.

[music playing.]

[singing] I’m not aware of too many things

I know what I know, if you know what I mean

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Enough singing! Peter Pan, I’ve come to fight you to the death.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, finally the main event. I better get my popcorn.

[Talkerbell gets a popcorn. The popcorn is bigger than her.]

[Cut to everybody. Peter Pan and Captain Hook are going to fight.]

Peter Pan: You’re a worthy foe, Captain Hook. Get ready for the fight of your life!

[They start sword-fighting. Peter Pan hits Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Ah! Oh, I’m defeated.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, that was a fight scene? Oh! No, no, no, no! You wanna see a real fight, you bring me a humming bird and I will kill that dude.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: Talkabell, you’re weird.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, if I’m weird then why are all the boys after my ass? That’s right, I got a boyfriend, and yeah, he is the bat from that movie “Ferngully”. And yeah, he funny.

[The bat walks in]

Bat: You ready to go, Talkie baby?

Talkerbell: Oh, you know it. Okay, kids, I do gotta run because it’s almost the night time and that is when he truly comes alive. He see stupid good into dork. He got that sonar, you know, like, beep, beep, bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee. And that’s what’s up. Peter Pan, live, y’all!

[The End]

Nicki Minaj’s Booty

Jeremy… Pete Davidson

Brain… James Franco

Mrs. Menzeneli… Cecily Strong

Song, Billy Zane… Taran Killam

Rhombus… Aidy Bryant

Dance… Kyle Mooney

Fresh Prince… Jay Pharoah

Nicki Minaj

Judge Lance Ito… Bobby Moynihan

Ashley Parker Angel… Beck Bennett

Home Alone… Kate McKinnon

Jurassic Park… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Jeremy on laptop]

Jeremy: Ah! What? I have to create a new password? I don’t want to do that. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to remember another new password! My brain is too full. My brain is too full. My brain is too full.

[Cut to Brain’s brain]

Brain: Alright. Alright, alright! All the information and memories in Jeremy’s brain, gather around. We need to make more room in here for some new stuff which means it time for a lot of you non-essentials to go. First up is, Jeremy second grade teacher Mrs. Menzeneli here.

[Mrs. Menzeneli walks in]

Mrs. Menzeneli: Yes, can I help you young man?

Brain: Ah! Yeah, I’m sorry Mrs. Menzeneli, but Jeremy does not need to remember your name anymore.

Mrs. Menzeneli: What? But I’ve been here for 20 years.

Brain: Only because one time you fell down hard in class that really affected him. But now it’s time to move on out. Okay? Bye-bye, Mrs. Menzeneli. Thanks.

[Mrs. Menzeneli walks away and falls down]

Brain: Okay. Next up, are all the words to Savage garden’s I want you still in here?

[Song slides in]

Song: You tell me. [starts singing the song ‘I want you’.]

Brain: Alright, a simple yes would have suffice. Time for you to go.

Song: But, [Song starts singing again]

Brain: Wrong! Wrong! You need to chicken cherry check yourself out of this brain.

Song: Huh! He used my lyrics against me!

[Song leaves]

[Rhombus walks in]

Rhombus: Um, excuse me brain dude. I would like to volunteer to leave.

Brain: And who are you?

Rhombus: Oh, I’m the word ‘Rhombus’. I have been here since 99, okay? Jeremy doesn’t know what I am or what I look like. He just knows the word. So, I’m gonna get the hell out of here and I’m gonna take the ‘Bye, bye, bye’ dance with me.

[Dance walks in and starts dancing]

[‘Bye, bye, bye’ by Nsync is playing]

Brain: Okay, bye, bye, bye. Okay.

[Rhombus and Dance are leaving]

What else can we lose?

[Fresh Prince walks in]

Fresh Prince: [rapping and dancing] What’s Philadelphia born and raised 

On a playground where I spent most of my days

Brain: Oh, yeah! Gotta leave! Go!

Fresh Prince: Oh, man! Come one! Jeremy uses me all the time. I kill the Karaoke. Yeah! Anyway, whatever host, smell you later.

[Fresh Prince leaves]

Brain: Okay, next up we have–

[Nicki Minaj walks in and starts rapping]

Nicki Minaj: Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit
Big dope dealer money, he was gettin’ some coins

Brain: You’re only gonna sing the first two lines?

Nicki Minaj: That’s all Jeremy knows.

Brain: Well, Nicki, I know you’re new here, but you gotta go.

Nicki Minaj: Hey, I mean, I don’t– don’t get mad at me. I don’t know why our boy watched the music video so many times.

[Nicki Minaj turns around and walks away]

Brain: Okay, out in the way back?

[Judge Lance Ito walks in]

Judge Lance Ito: Okay, it’s me, Judge Lance Ito.

Brain: From the OJ Simpson trial?

Judge Lance Ito: Yes, yes.

Brain: Okay, Judge Ito, you gotta pack it up and take that dog from that 90s production company with you.

[Cut to a black dog with a frisbee]

Voice: Sit, booboo, sit. Good dog.

[Cut to Brain. Ashley Parker Angel walks in.]

Brain: Okay.

Ashley Parker Angel: What about me? Should I go too?

Brain: Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town? God, this kid remembers the weirdest things. Yes, Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town, you gotta go too.

Ashley Parker Angel: That seems fair.

[singing] Coz all I want is you or nothing at all

Brain: Alright, alright, alright.

[Ashley Parker Angel leaves]

Let’s clear out some old movie quotes. That should open up a ton of space. Home Alone, you first. Out.

[Home Alone walks in]

Home Alone: I brought you girlfriend, wow!

[Home Alone walks out]

Brain: Jurassic Park, you too.

[Jurassic Park walks in]

Jurassic Park: He left us! He left us!

[Jurassic Park leaves]

Brain: Finally, Titanic. Hit the road.

[Billy Zane walks in]

Billy Zane: I always win Jack, one way or another.

Brain: Who remembers a Billy Zane line from Titanic? What a freak!

[Billy Zane leaves]

Alright, I think that’s everything. Jeremy should finally have room in here for that new password.

[Nicki Minaj walks in and starts rapping]

Nicki Minaj: [rapping] Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit
Brain: I thought I told you to leave, Nicki.

Nicki Minaj: I’m really stuck in here.

[Brain and Nicki Minaj start dancing to the song]

[rapping] Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit
Big dope dealer money, he was gettin’ some coins

[Cut to Jeremy dancing while watching Nicki Minaj on his laptop.]

Magic Bridge

Aidy Bryant

John… Kyle Mooney

Troll… James Franco

Cathyann… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of forest.]

Aidy: I think we’re lost.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Sorry, I’m not Johnny Scout.

Aidy: Well, there’s a light over there on the other side of this bridge. So, let’s just head to that.

John: I said I’m not Johnny Scout.

Aidy: I know, I’m not mad at you./

John: I’m not that guy!

Aidy: Okay, let’s just cross the bridge.

John: Exactly what I was saying.

[As Aidy and John are crossing the bridge. The smoke appears and the voice is speaking.]

Voice: Step left, step left, step right, step right

[Troll appears]

who dares to cross this troll bridge tonight?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Oh, my god! It’s a troll.

John: Look man, what are you gonna do to us?

[Cut to Troll]

Troll: Well, I’ll let you pass of course, if you pass my test. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Let me handle this. I bet he wants us to answer a riddle.

[Cut to everybody. Cathyann comes out from under the bridge.]

Cathyann: Oh, no. That’s not true. That’s not true. That’s something he used to do.

Troll: Cathyann, I’m pretty sure you promised to stay under the bridge. Let me do my thing.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. It’s another troll.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: Are you for real? That’s just the rudest thing you could say. No, I’m not a troll. I’m a woman like you, or me, or Michelle Robama.

Troll: [whispering] Cathyann, you are my BFF. But you can just stay in your lane. [talking in manly voice] Sorry, folks. Back to me. Rawr!

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: If she’s not a troll, why is she here?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: It’s complicated. But, Cathyann had an issue with her landlord. It got messy. And I said, “Why are you even dealing with that stuff, Cathyann?”

Cathyann: Yeah! My landlord lied on me because she is a C-U-N-Thursday! But this troll saved my life. At lease my sanity.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Mr. Troll and Cathyann, can we just please just solve the riddle so we can cross?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: Not so fast! Riddles are fun but something’s a miss, to cross my bridge I require a kiss. [laughing]

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: A what?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: No, guys, he used to do riddles. But with the internet, you just Google the answer. So, it’s no fun.

Troll: I love riddles. Stupid Google. Anyway…

Cathyann: Yeah! So, now, you have to give him a kiss. And I’m not talking about the friend zone kiss. I’m talking like romantic boyfriend girlfriend type of stuff, okay? So, who is first?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Wait, so we have to kiss you to cross the bridge?

John: I’ll kiss you, but you’re not kissing her. She’s my fiance.

Aidy: Why don’t you kiss your friend Cathyann if you wanna kiss somebody so bad.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: Oh! No, no, no, no. That duck don’t quack that way! She and I are like brother and sister.

Cathyann: Oh, yeah, coz I can’t even see my real brother no more coz they tried to get the money second [unintelligible], and I told the judge he only had two of red wine and that was it. The judge care nothing on me until the real C-U-N-Tuesday. Oh, but Bill Cosby can walk free, yeah right! Don’t you see problem in that? Hello!

Troll: Okay, okay. Cathyann, you’re getting yourself wormed up. I know, yeah, she starting to [unintelligible], so not worth it.

Cathyann: Okay, do it right coz it’s not about me. That’s about one of you need to kiss my troll.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Hey, I told you, you can have me but not my fiance.

Aidy: John, stop telling everyone I’m your fiance until I say a definite yes.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: Ooh! Racky romance. I can definitely relate to that guy coz my boyfriend and I are long distant. He trying to be a rapper but he lives in San Diego until I can get out there and live with him. Oh man, I’m gonna get me a tan.

Troll: No! No! Cathyann, don’t talk about leaving. That makes me so sad.

Cathyann: Well, enjoy me while you can. Am I right, you guys?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Right, right. Let’s just do the stupid kiss.

[Cut to everybody. John and Troll walk on the bridge.]

Troll: The pact is made, the magic begun, just one kiss and we are done.

John: I can’t believe I’m doing this.

[John and Cathyann kiss]

[Cut to Cathyann]

Cathyann: Wow! Go John! Go John! Look at him go. You earned that bridge, John.

[Cut to Aidy, John and Troll. John and Troll are still kissing.]

Aidy: John, enough. Enough! And yes, I will marry you my brave boy.

[Cut to John and Troll. John looks at Aidy, turns around and then start kissing Troll again.]

[Cut to Cathyann]

Cathyann: Troll, you must be happy now, huh? It’s supposed to be, but I’ll do it, they just walk a different way.

[Cut to John and Troll]

Troll: Well, task is completed. You are having fun. You two are GTG, good to go.

[Cut to everybody. Aidy and John cross the bridge.]

Cathyann: See you later, guys.

[Aidy and John leave]

Troll: Oh! I’m gonna miss that woman I just kissed.

Cathyann: What? You gotta get your eyes checked. That was not no woman. That were a man and a woman and you kissed a man one.

Troll: Oh! It’s official, huh? I’m bisexual.

Cathyann: Oh, come on! Let’s go under that bridge and laugh.

Poetry Class with Cameron Diaz

Mrs. Medez… Venessa Bayer

Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Tamra Lake… Cameron Diaz

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with students and a substitute teacher in class]

Mrs. Medez: Hello everyone. I am your substitute teacher, Mrs. Medez, okay?

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

School, huh? Let me ask you something. What do you think of when you think of writing poetry? Huh? Lame? Outdated? Studying? Well guess what? Poetry can be pretty cool. Oh! Okay, you know who some of my favorite poets are? I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of them. Taylor Swift, okay. Kanye West, I must say. Eminems, okay.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: It’s Eminem.

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

Mrs. Medez: I love it, you’re listening. Okay. Now, the point is you can all be poets. Okay? So, your usual teacher asked you to write a poem about something you’re thankful for. And I wrote a thanksgiving poem myself. [Mrs. Medez slowly opens her note] Here it goes.

Turkey dinner, warm, pleasing, pungent
sour cranberry sauce,
sweet yams with sticky marshmallows
savory stuffing and spiced cider
notes of rosemary and cinnamon dance inside my nose
family and friends come together to share laughter,
and of course pumpkin pie

Oh! Okay, now. Who else has a poem about something they’re thankful for?

[Cut to the class]

Aidy: I do.

Mrs. Medez: Okay, great. Come on up.

[Cut to Aidy and Mrs. Medez]

Aidy: Okay. Um, I’m thankful for my stepdad Ron and my poem is called Ron rules.

Mrs. Medez: Great, okay.

Aidy: Ron is hilarious
he wears a t-shirt that looks like a tuxedo
Oh-oh! He fancy!
When we go to Burger King, he says, “I’ll have a whopper, medium, rare”
everybody laughs  and goes crazy
thanks Ron, for being dope

Mrs. Medez: Okay. That was wonderful.

[Cut to the class]

Thank you so much. Does anybody else has a poem?

Kenan: I can do one.

[Kenan walks to the front of the class]

Mrs. Medez: Oh, okay, great. Come on up. Okay.

[Cut to Kenan and Mrs. Medez]

Kenan: Ay, what’s up, y’all? Um, I’m thankful for the show F.R.I.E.N.D.S., so here we go.

Turn of TVs
Oh, snap! F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is on
Ross is a little bitch, but he made me laugh though
Chandler be telling jokes about when Monica was heavy
he don’t give a damn
Joey is a player
he always be asking girls how they doin
Rachael and Monica be hot as hell
but I’d take Phoebe coz she quirky
and I’m a freak

Mrs. Medez: Okay, okay. Thank you, so much. Wow. [Cut to the class] You know, [Cut to Mrs. Medez] I feel like I really know that show now. Okay, great. Okay, guys, I have a special treat, okay? I brought  friend of mine who performs regularly at Wind Catcher Wednesdays, the poetry I hosted at Calypso Coffee down in Franklin street. Okay? Now, please give your snaps to Tamra Lake.

[Tamra Lake walks in. He has dreadlocks.]

Tamra Lake: Hello. Hello.

Mrs. Medez: Now, I asked Tamra to share a poem about something that she’s thankful for. Okay?

Tamra Lake: And I did. This one is called UPS man.

Short sleeves, short shorts, leaves me short of breath
cinnamon skin and a mustache thick as sin
why must you go out when I only want you in
Mr. UPS man, 

[Cut to the students liking it]

[Cut back to Mrs. Medez and Tamra Lake]

each day, you bring goods to those who are waiting
but there is only one package, you’ve got me craving
and it is your’s
Mr. UPS man
Your truck has no doors, but I am open wide
so drive into my tunnel and explore inside
Mr. UPS man

Mrs. Medez: Oh! Okay. Okay. Oh! Okay. Okay.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Did that lady swallow a bicorn?

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

Mrs. Medez: Um, you know what? Maybe we should stop our poetry unit for today, okay?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: No! No, no, no! This is awesome! Do one about the FedEx guy.

[Cut to Mrs. Medez and Tamra Lake]

Mrs. Medez: Okay, I think that’s all for today. Okay?

[Students chanting “FedEx, FedEx”]

New Annie

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

White Annie… Venessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Ms. Hannigan… Cameron Diaz

Daddy Warbucks… Jamie Foxx

Black Annie… Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with HBO First Look intro]

Male voice: And now, HBO First Look presents an exclusive clip from the all new Annie. Starring Cameron Diaz and Jamie Foxx.

[Cut to the movie clip. Cecily, Kate, White Annie and Aidy are cleaning a room and singing]

Everybody: It’s a hard knock life for us
It’s a hard knock life for us
instead of treated, we get tricked
they won’t buy us iPhone 6
that’s a modern twist.

[Ms. Hannigan walks in]

Ms. Hannigan: Hey, what is going on in here?

Everybody: Sorry Ms. Hannigan.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan]

Ms. Hannigan: What did I tell you girls about singing while you clean up.

[Cut to the girls]

Kate: That it won’t bring our parents back.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan]

Ms. Hannigan: That’s right. Now this place needs to be spick and span for a special visitor.

[doorbell rings]

Now, is too late. Quick! How do my boobs look?

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy: Banging, Ms. Hannigan.

[Cut to everybody]

Ms. Hannigan: Coming! [Ms. Hannigan goes to open the door. The girls go away]

[Daddy Warbucks enters the door]

Ms. Hannigan: Ooh! Hello!

Daddy Warbucks: Well, hello yourself. [cut to Daddy Warbucks] My name is Jamie Foxx. I mean Daddy Warbucks. And I’m here to meet that adorable little girl name Annie.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan and Daddy Warbucks. White Annie walks in]

White Annie: I’m right here, sir. Orphan Annie at your service.

Daddy Warbucks: No, no, no! I want the black Annie.

[Cut to White Annie]

White Annie: Oh, okay. Um, but I might get in trouble for this. [starts acting black] Yo, yo, yo! Wad up, playa?

[Cut to Daddy Warbucks]

Daddy Warbucks: No! Just please stop right now. I mean the all new black Annie. The one Ms. Hannigan sent me a photo of.

Black Annie: Alright, here I come.

[Cut to Black Annie walking in in a children outfit.]

What’s up? Annie in the house.

[Black Annie walks to Daddy Warbucks]

I was taking my pills and vitamins. You know, I gotta stay strong. You know what I’m saying?

Daddy Warbucks: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What the fazey? What the fizzle? I mean, who is this woman?

Black Annie: And who the hell is this sexy rich bastard?

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan, Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie]

Ms. Hannigan: Mr. Warbucks, this is Annie Shivau. We believe she is Haitian.

Black Annie: And I haven’t proved it yet, but I think my dad is Wyclef Jean. You know what I’m saying? And my mom is Bonnie Raitt.

Daddy Warbucks: How old are you?

Black Annie: 43 baby. But I can still go all night.

[Cut to Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie]

Daddy Warbucks: And you’re still an orphan?

Black Annie: Man, I’m everything. I’m an orphan. I’m a veteran. I did a half a season in the WNBA.

[White Annie comes in]

White Annie: Oh, black Annie, you’ve lived quite a life.

Black Annie: White Annie, I will slap you right now.

[White Annie leaves]

Daddy Warbucks: I’m a very rich man. And if I adopt you, I’m worried you might take my money.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan, Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie]

Ms. Hannigan: I promise Annie’s a very sweet girl.

Black Annie: Yeah! And I’m useful too.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan and Black Annie]

Ms. Hannigan: She’s great at making spreads for college football.
Black Annie: Damn straight!

Ms. Hannigan: She defended herself in court five times.

Black Annie: So, I’m basically a lawyer.

Ms. Hannigan: Oh! And she can palm a pumpkin.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan, Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie. Daddy Warbucks holds a pumpkin with her one fist]

Black Annie: Coz I got some big ass hand.

[Cut to Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie

Daddy Warbucks: Well, I’m not sure you’re the little orphan girl I’m looking for, Annie. But I am in need of a security guard.

[Daddy Warbucks puts his hand out for a handshake.]

Black Annie: For real, Daddy Warbucks? You will not regret this.

[Daddy Warbucks hugs Black Annie]

Daddy Warbucks: Oh, my back! Easy!

Black Annie: The only thing is, I need my money up front and I don’t work weekdays and I got three kids that you’ll probably gonna have to adopt too.

[Cut to the girls]

Cecily: The sun will come out

Kate: Tomorrow

The girls: Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: There’ll be sun

Daddy Warbucks: [yelling] Ay! [Cut to Daddy Warbucks] Why are you all trying to steal my moment? This is not about you orphan bitches. This about black Annie.

[rock music playing]

[Cut to everybody. Kenan walks in dancing and singing]

Kenan: Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!
Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!
Black Annie was in town, bam, bam
but not gonna be around, bam, bam
Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!
Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!

Monologue Cameron Diaz on Shrek and Celebrity Sex Exceptions

Cameron Diaz

Brad Parsin… Kyle Mooney

Venessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Cameron Diaz.

[cheers and applause]

[Cameron Diaz walks in and to the stage]

Cameron Diaz: Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. My name is Cameron Diaz and I am so happy to be here hosting the thanksgiving show. [cheers and applause] It’s so exciting to be in Rockefeller center when they light up the big turkey. I’ve been so busy lately. I have a movie coming out. So, I’ve been doing so many interviews and press events. It’s just so nice to be here at SNL just having fun and not having to answer so many questions–

Brad Parsin: Excuse me. Excuse me. [Cut to Brad Parsin in the audience] I have a question. Brad Parsin, film student, new school. I just wanna say I thought gangs of New York was ground breaking both in style and subject matter. I guess my question is, I think you’re hot.

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: That’s not a question. And if you’re gonna ask questions, let’s just make them easy, okay guys?

Venessa: Oh, oh! I’ve got one. [Cut to Venessa in the audience] Was working in The Other Woman like so much fun?

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: It was.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Thank you. I knew it.

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: Okay, great. Well, if that’s all the interruptions then–

[Bobby Moynihan walks in]

Bobby Moynihan: Hey, Cameron.

Cameron Diaz: Oh, hey Bobby.

Bobby Moynihan: Hey. It was so much fun doing Annie with you.

Cameron Diaz: Bobby, were you in Annie?

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah! I had one line. Does this ring a bell? “If this guy keeps singing and dancing like this, he’s never gonna get elected.” Thank you.

Cameron Diaz: Is that line in the movie?

Bobby Moynihan: I don’t know. They did not invite me to the premiere.

[Bobby Moynihan turns around and leaves]

Cameron Diaz: Yes, you.

[Cut to Leslie in the audience]

Leslie: Um, is Shrek just as grumpy in real life?

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: Hmm, well, I mean, Shrek is cartoon.

[cut to Leslie being confused.]

Leslie: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: Yes, he is always in a bad mood. You know, he’s an ogre.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: I knew it.

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: Okay, one last question. Anybody?

[Cut to Beck in the audience]

Beck: Hi, Cameron. Are you familiar with the concept of celebrity sex exception? Because if you’re interested, my wife has already given us to go ahead.

[Aidy stands up]

Aidy: Yeah, mine was Tony Danza and let’s just say, box checked.

Beck: Well, that’s not important.

Aidy: Who’s the boss? He’s the boss.

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: Okay. Well, we’ve got a great show tonight. Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson are here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

High School Theater Show with Cameron Diaz

Aidy Bryant

Cameron Diaz

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

[Starts with a plaque of Woodbridge High School Theater Showcase.]

[Cut to Aidy and Cameron]

Aidy: Welcome you guys to Woodbridge high school’s experimental theater showcase, written and directed by us, the students.

[Cut to the audience clapping]

[Cut to Aidy and Cameron]

Cameron: We are so proud to share our work with you on this gorgeous Tuesday at 2 pm.

Aidy: So, please close your eyes and then open them to enjoy the collection of moments, whispers of America.

[music is playing and other people are coming to the stage. One of them lie on the table.]

We are gathered here today for the funeral of…

Everybody: Main street.

Kate: I’m glad he’s dead. I’m Walmart.

Cameron: Me too. I’m McDonald’s.

Kyle: Me three. I’m the Give Me Now Culture.

Aidy: May he rest in peace. In the name of Procter and Gamble, GE and the holy time warner cable.

Everybody: Amen.

[music is playing and they are setting up their stage. They all stand on the boxes.]

Aidy: I want to feel beautiful.

Beck: You are beautiful.

Cameron: You are beautiful.

Beck: You are beautiful.

[Everybody pointing at the people in audience]

Everybody: You are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are…

Aidy: Smart.

[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.]

[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: Why are they moving those boxes around so much?

Venessa: I don’t know.

[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.]

Kate: When you’re at Starbucks, do you even notice who’s around you? Or is your mind only on one thing?

Everybody: Coffee! Coffee! Cup! Cup!

Kate: Look up! See the people of America. A little girl.

Cameron: He-he-he-he! Mommy!

Kate: A barista.

Aidy: Shhhh! Latte, order up!

Kate: An old man on a wheelchair.

Taran: Heyyyyy! I’m sick.

Kate: So, next time you’re at Starbucks, why don’t order a double shot of compassion.

[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.]

[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: So, which one’s your daughter?

Venessa: I rather not say.

[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.]

Kyle: Meanwhile, at any hospital in America.

Beck: Yes, yes, I think that will be fine.

Aidy: Excuse me, doctor.

Cameron: I’m the doctor! He’s the nurse.

Aidy, Cameron and Beck: Wow!

[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.]

[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: They moved all those boxes for that? That scene was like three words.

Venessa: You know, this is my first time seeing a play and I think I’m done.

[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.]

Cameron: I wrote a scene for this part of the show but it was …

Everybody: Censored.

Cameron: Because I couldn’t say the word…

Everybody: Censored.

Cameron: About the …

Everybody: Censored.

Cameron: So, I guess you’ll never hear because I was…

Everybody: Censored.

[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.]

[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: What? They built a pyramid out of those boxes and they didn’t even use it.

Venessa: I just hate that they think that they’re teaching us.

[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.]

[Kyle is singing Battle Hymn of the Republic in the background]

Taran: Dear Margaret, I’ve decided not to come home from war. I’ve decided to fight so that one day our daughter’s daughter can spend all day on the internet.

Everybody: I pledge your allegiance to aware.

[music is playing and they are making a line.]

[Music stops. They all bow.]

[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: Oh! Thank goodness, we’re free.

[Cut to the stage.]

Cameron: It’s not the first to seven intermissions.

Aidy: Please, stay seated because we will be walking around in character.

[Music is playing. The characters are now moving going to the audience.]

[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: Why? Why?

Back Home Ballers

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Leslie Jones

Cameron Diaz

[Starts with a van stopping in front of a house]

[Cut to the license plate, “New York GRGIRLS”]

[The door of the van opens, and the music video starts.]

Aidy: Your girls are back.

[Girls are coming out of the van one by one]

Kate: Kate

Cecily: Cecily

Sasheer: Sasheer

Vanessa: Vanessa

Leslie: Leslie

Cameron Diaz: Cameron

Aidy: And your Lil’ Baby Aidy

Kate: We’re home for thanksgiving y’all.

Cecily: And our parents are real happy to see us.

Vanessa: So, they’re gonna treat us like queens.

Aidy: This may be their house

Cameron Diaz: But for the next four days, we ’bout to run this bitch.

[drums rolling and music starts]

Kate: [rapping] Walk in the door hand my bag to the ballet
in case you’re wondering, it’s my daddy
head straight to the fridge like a boss yo’

[The fridge is full of groceries]

Hell yeah! My mom went to Cosco

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: [rapping] It ain’t my house but I’ll tear it up
get a plate real dirty, won’t clean it up
then I run to the washer laundry, game unlock
gonna do a whole lot for just one sock

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
If I want something, I just holla’
I do what I want and I get what I want
coz my parents miss their daughter

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: [rapping] This whole damn house is a shrine to me
coz everybody here is obsessed with me.
my second grade’s drawings are framed like Picasso
If I say, “Mom, tacos”, my mom will make tacos

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: [rapping] We always see a movie but it can’t be us
so we settle on penguins or meet a guest car
and as a nice gesture, I bought all the tickets
Psyke! Not a chance. My dad friggin did it.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: [rapping] Mom needs help, I pretend to be napping
even though I could hear all that is happening
It sounds like she really needs help in the kitchen
but if she thinks I’m moving, then she must be trippin

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
and grandma says I look taller
they wait on me like I’m sick leave
that’s a light from back home, baller

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: [rapping] Taking up the trash, all my neighbors spot me
they sworm around me like my own paparazzi
talking and stalking they can’t get enough of me
wondering, questioning, what’s going on with me

[Cut to a woman asking Aidy a question]

Woman: So, what’s going on with you?

Aidy: Um, the same. Okay, Jean, bye!

[Aidy walks away from the woman]

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: [rapping] Once everyone’s in bed, I go insane
heroine, marijuana, crack, cocaine
are not what I wanna watch, cheese and chips
and so put on some very old, Chris White’s tricks

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: [rapping] getting free wifi like a dope ass hoe
the password was seventeen Os
then bSasheerVanessaltng
then capital X, then 333
then 1458tdq
and 314 and w

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Hold up! Y’all don’t even know how pimp it is at my mom’s house. That bitch puts out so many bowls of things for me, it’s insane. I’m up to my ass in

[rapping] bowls, bowls, all type of bowls
chips and candies and she shell bowls
my mom’s got bowls for everything
flowers and nuts and everything
bowl on a toilet, bowl on a shelf,
bowl of m&ms, I can help myself
she puts out these bowls for me
and any bowl I like, I get for free

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
in pajamas that cost $Aidy0
tell my mother that I love her more than any friggin other
that’s a life from a back home baller

Cameron Diaz: Damn straight, y’all!

Kate: Love you, mom and dad. We out.

Aidy: See you in a month for Christmas. We doing this all again.

Ebola Press Conference

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Ron Klain… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moyniham

Aidy Bryant

Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with C-SPAN intro]

Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, earlier today President Obama introduced Ebola czar Ron Klain who took questions on the latest developments in the Ebola crisis.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

[cheers and applause]

Barack Obama: Well, thank you all for coming. As you know, just two days ago, another American, this time a doctor in New York was diagnosed with Ebola. Now, some people want to criticize the way our administration has handled this crisis. And it’s true, we made a few mistakes early on. But I assure you, it was nowhere near as bad as how we handled the ISIS situation. I mean, our very Secret Service mishaps, or the scandals of the IRS and the NSA. And I don’t know if you guys remember, but the Obamacare website had some pretty serious problems too. In fact, if you look at all the stuff that’s happened my second term, this whole Ebola thing is probably one of my greatest accomplishments.

Now, I’d like to introduce the man who will be managing this crisis moving forward. New Ebola czar, Ron Klain.

[Ron Klain walks in]

Ron Klain: Thank you Mr. President. Thank you. [applause] Thank you members of the press. I am really more of a behind the scene’s guy but I am excited to take your questions. Yes.

[Cut to the press.]

Cecily: Mr. Klain, you have no actual medical training or background with dealing with infectious disease, is that correct?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Um, yes. Yes, that is true. I am not a doctor. But, to be fair, I did service chief of staff to vice president Joe Biden. So, I do have some experience with the little something called food in mouth disease. [laughing]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: It seems like that’s a joke disease. Just to confirm, no experience with actual medical diseases?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: No. Next question.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: A lot of Americans still don’t understand why we have an issue to travel ban on flights on West Africa.

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Okay, at this point, a travel ban on country is with Ebola would be an overreaction. If anything, we should be more afraid of the flu. It kills many more people every year.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: But 0.01% with the flu die from it. And with Ebola, it’s Aidy0%.

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Yes, yes, well we could all go throwing statistics around.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha. Such as?

[Cut to Ron Klain. He doesn’t know any statistic.]

Ron Klain: I don’t have any with me at the moment but if you just give me some time, everything will be 100% cool as hell.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Mr. Klain, some have speculated you were brought in mainly to handle this from a political perspective. Even the midterm elections are in two weeks. Any comment on that?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Yeah! Right now, I am not worried about winning elections. However, there are a few safety tips that people should know heading towards election day. For example, the Ebola virus actually flourishes in warmer clients– climates, excuse me. So, if you live in a southern state such as Louisiana, Arkansas or Kentucky, you actually may want to avoid any large public spaces like, say a polling booth. One exception however, is that we believe Latinos in red states may actually have immunity to Ebola. So, they’re good to go.

And now, finally, we wanted someone from New York to talk directly to you. So, we asked mayor De Blasio and governor Cuomo, but it turns out there was only one New York democrat willing to be seen with President Obama today.

[Al Sharpton walks in]

Al Sharpton: Hey, hey, hey. [cheers and applause] To save the day! Thank you Ron Klain, Ebola Czar. Okay, first off, yes, Ebola is in New York. But don’t worry about me, I’m immuned to all infectious diseases as even the tiniest particles cannot get past this mustache. And all you other New Yorkers shouldn’t worry either. People should go about their daily lives. And so should New York’s pigeons, rats and sewer monsters. Because if you worry that some parts of New York are contaminated, you’re wrong. All of New York is contaminated all the time.

I once got the clap by wearing short shorts through the port authority. Snap!

So, information. Be safe, brush your teeth and [shouting] live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.