Tag: Aidy Bryant

The Cat In The Hat and Linda

Linda… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Cat in the hat… Bill Hader

Thing 2… Taran Killam

[Starts with a clip of a house at a raining night]

Linda: Why are you filled with dismay? [Cut to inside the house] You should go out and enjoy this fine day.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: It’s been raining, dear mother. As long as we’ve known.

Pete: We are bored, sweet mother. Bored to the bone.

Aidy: I want someone to play with. Someone who’s fun.

Pete: Perhaps, if we imagine, we’ll find the one.

[door knocking]

[Cut to everybody. Cat walks in the door.]

Cat: Hello, little kiddies. A-rada-tac-tac,

f you haven’t put it together, I’m the cat in the hat.

Linda: Cat, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Cat]

Cat: Linda? My god! You look good.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: Mommy, what’s going on?

Aidy: You know the cat guy?

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

Linda: Yes. No. I met him before.

Cat: Met? Well, that’s what we call it now?

Linda: Okay, I think maybe you should leave.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: No, Mr. Cat, we don’t want you to go. Can you please stay and put on a fun show?

[Cut to everybody]

Cat: Show? Yeah! Sure.

[Cat starts speaking funny]

I always appear when children are sad,

so tell me young kiddies, where is your dad?

[Cut to Cat. He starts questioning] Like, does he live here? Is he still here?

[Cut to Linda]

Linda: You know what? He’s at work. He is reliable. I don’t have to say a rhyme to make him come home.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: Do some tricks!

[Cut to everybody]

Cat: Wait, you want tricks. Yeah! Sure. You like juggling?

Pete: Yeah!

Cat: [speaking funnily] I can juggle with this.

I can juggle with fish

I can juggle with this

I can–

[Cat jumps and stops near a picture]

You cut me out of this picture? That makes sense, but it’s hard to see.

[Cut to Linda]

Linda: Yeah, um, maybe it’d be better if you’d just go.

[Cut to Cat, Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: No!

Pete: He can’t leave.

Cat: They’re right. I literally can’t leave because they imagined me.

[Cut to everybody]

Linda: Great! Okay, so here we are!

Cat: No, no. Look, look, I didn’t plan on this.

[Cat goes near to Linda]

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

I mean– You got an eyelash.

[Cat picks Linda’s eyelashes]

Linda: Don’t, you just want to touch my face.

Cat: Yes, maybe. I am sorry.

[Linda starts crying]

Linda: I’m sorry. This is just really hard for me to see you.

Cat: Oh, hey! It’s hard for me too. Here, here, take this.

[Cat pulls handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. It’s a magic trick where the handkerchief doesn’t stop coming out.]

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Wow!

[Aidy and Pete start pulling the handkerchief.]

Cat: Here. Here. Here. Here.

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

Take this.

[Cat gives Linda a handkerchief to wipe her tears.]

[Linda and Cat are about to kiss]

Aidy: [interrupting Linda and Cat] Mr. Cat, you wanna see me dance?

[Cut to everybody]

[Aidy starts dancing]

Cat: Yes, sure. Yes, go on.

[Aidy is dancing]

Hey, look at that. Yes, that’s great. [Cut to Linda and Cat] Great dance.

Linda: She got set from you.

Cat: Wait, is she my daughter?

[Thing 2 walks in the door]

Thing 2: Haidi-ho! My wife and children! Cat? Wow, um, what are you doing here?

Cat: Hey, Thing 2.

Thing 2: Actually, I go by Jonathing now.

Linda: Cat was just on his way out.

Thing 2: Oh! Good! That’s good! She picked me, cat!

Cat: I’ll go. I’ll go. I’m sorry. [Cut to everybody] I’ll go.

[Cut to Cat at the door]

Of all the places she let me go–

Thing 2: [yelling] You! Get out of here!

[Cat left.]

Hollywood Game Night with Bill Hader

Jane Linch… Kate McKinnon

Amber… Venessa Bayer

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

Christoph Waltz… Taran Killam

Morgan Freeman… Jay Pharoah

Terra… Aidy Bryant

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Al Pacino… Bill Hader

Kathie Lee Gifford… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to the show]

Jane Linch: Yes! This is Hollywood Game Night. Hello to all of you flying delta.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

I am Jane Linch, America’s no. two lesbian. Here’s how the game works. We pair a normal people with real Hollywood celebrities. They play a series of short games and the winner takes home $twentyfivethousand. Let’s meet our teams. From Madison, Wisconsin, it’s Amber.

[Cut to Amber smiling.]

Amber: Hi, Jane. I love you on Glee.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: That’s enough. And Amber’s team from Modern Family, it’s Sofia Vergara.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: I have made the most money of all the TV.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Next up is Oscar winner Christoph Waltz.

[Cut to Christoph Waltz]

Christoph Waltz: It’s so great to be here playing games with all of my friends.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Pace yourself, Waltz. And finally, it’s Morgan Freeman.

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: You know, we busy ourselves with the game so that the mind does not wander to death. And that is a quote from my new film, Dolphin Tale two.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Nice, nice. And in the opposing couch, we have Terra from Boston.

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: Woo-hoo! I’m here to win.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: And I’m here to keep bailing under tones. Okay, on Terra’s team, from Parks and Recreation, Nick Offerman.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: I’m very excited to be here. You can’t see it, but underneath this mustache, I’m grinning like a little girl.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Hollywood legend, Al Pacino.

[cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Is it too early to ask to go to the bathroom? I took the Goldschlager and milk on the way over here. And my bones, doctor say they are “dust.” I’m here, I’m here, and I’m ready to play who wants to be a millionaire.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Woof! And finally from Today’s Show, the one and only, Kathie Lee Gifford.

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford]

Kathie Lee Gifford: What am I doing here? But I do love games. My husband, Frank and I go play hide and go seek. Problem is, when I hide he doesn’t seek. One time, I found him in Barbados. I’m not kidding.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Cathy Lee, your personality is as strong as my cologne. Alright, Terra’s team, you’re up. I’m starting with a game called Snack Time, where we show you an unwrapped piece of candy and you tell us what it is. And that’s a real game we play on this show. Here’s a candy. Time starts now.

[There is a candy a the screen]

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: Jane, that is a healthy stool. Probably from a fox or small child.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Al Pacino: Oh, I got it. I got it! I stake my whole reputation on it. It’s a tiny meat loaf.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um, I know what that is up there. It’s a television. TV, found home– What am I saying? I’m not ET, but I do love riding on a bike basket. No, I don’t!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Come on! It’s a snickers.

[Cut to Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh-oh! We are losers. Now, we know how Helda feels. Don’t worry, she’s not watching this. She’s out in the parking lot because she drove me here. She’s my DD. My designated dummy. What am I saying?

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, Amber, your team’s up with a game called No Harm, No Vowel. I’m gonna show you movie titles with the vowels removed and you guess the movie. Again, real game played by real adults. Here’s your clue. Time starts now.

[The logo of Star Wars is there with ‘A’s in them]

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Why must the vowels be marginalized? Diminish cast aside. In the great sweep of infinity, all letters are equal.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Got a guess there, chief?

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Ah! Titanic?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Christoph Waltz: Oh! Jane, the answer has been very evident to me. It is obviously the famous Austrian film, ‘Vankaisa Ditschitnum Frolanda Haiser’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Amber: I don’t know the answer, but I do know, I love Pepsi. [Amber drinks a Pepsi showing the can] I just made one billion moneys!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: It’s Star Wars. My god!

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Hey, Jane! I just realized something. You and I have the same haircut!

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: I don’t cut my hair. This is just as far as it grows. Alright, since we’re tied at 0, it’s time for the tiebreaker round. Each contest gets to pick one celebrity from either team to play on their behalf.

[Cut to Amber]

Amber: Um, I’ll go with Al Pacino.

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Alright! Let’s go, baby!

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: And I’m gonna go–

[Cut to Terra’s team]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

Terra: I guess, I’ll go with Kathie Lee Gifford.

Kathie Lee Gifford: What? [acting surprised] Alright, well I’m calm, but this train just got to stop at the wine cooler station. Too-too-toooo! [Kathie Lee Gifford refills her wine glass.]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, get on up here. Come on! Real play ball.

[Cut to everybody. Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford are walking to the stage.]

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Okay, let’s get ten seconds on the clock. Kathie Lee Gifford, you’re first. Finish this movie quote. “Life is like a box of …”

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford and Jane Linch]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Tampons. Helda’s like, “What are those?” She doesn’t need them anymore. [singing] Lady no red. Gray gardens! Is that a movie? I haven’t seen it. What am I saying?

[time buzzer]

Jane Linch: You’re saying nothing. Nothing!

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford. Jane Linch walks to Al Pacino]

Alright, Pacino. Your turn. ten seconds on the clock. Finish this quote my friend. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a…”

[Cut to Jane Linch and Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Prostitute a home address. Last time I did that, I woke up duck taped to a fan. Logan kids were throwing rocks at me. Worst night of my life.

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Jane Linch: Okay, that’s all the time we have. Once again, the only winner is me. I want an Emmy for this. Good night.

Forgotten Television Gems

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Miss Mondre… Cecily Strong

Monica… Sarah Silverman

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Rosa… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Forgotten TV Gems intro]

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good afternoon. I’m Reese De’What. Welcome to the Forgotten TV Gems. Today, we look back at the short lived soap opera “Supported Women”. The first serial drama to break away from the soap opera cliche of Katty, backstabbing female character. And instead of present women as nurturing and empathetic. Audiences tuned in and whatever the opposite of droves is. Why did they not tune in? I do not know. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she did today. And I said, “I don’t know. Sit your ass into the car.” Worst anniversary ever.

Let’s watch a scene from a “Supportive Women” now.

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Two women are standing in office.]
Miss Mondre: Monica, you’ve made quite an impression in the short time you’ve been here.

[Cut to Monica]

Monica: Thank you Ms. Mondre. I enjoy the work that I do.

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Well, if you’re not careful, you’ll work yourself to death. Say, did I just hear a knock at the door?

[Cut to Miss Mondre and Monica. Monica looks away at the door while Miss Mondre puts something in Monica’s glass of water.]

Monica: Well, I don’t think so.

Miss Mondre: Oh, my mistake. Well, here you go. [Miss Mondre gives the glass of water to Monica]

[Monica takes the glass and drinks the water]

Monica: This isn’t just water, is it?

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Not quite. And the effects should be kicking in right about now.

[Cut to Monica choking]

Monica: I feel, [chokes again] better!

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Yeah, it’s emergency because I noticed you were coughing earlier.

[Cut to Miss Mondre and Monica]

Monica: Thank you. That is so sweet.

Miss Mondre: Well, you’re welcome.

[Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut to Miss Mondre looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Isn’t that weird? Women being nice and not hurtful to each other. Audiences clearly would have rather seen that white boss lady grabbed that other girl by her weave and jack-smack her across the lobby and into the break room. And that is a review quote from Variety magazine. The big one. The one that comes out on the weekends that recaps everything.

Here’s another scene from “Supportive Women.”

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Taran is holding Monica from the back in the office.]

Taran: I need you. Kiss me.

Monica: I can’t. You’re married to my best friend.

[Cut to Aidy walking in on them]

Aidy: What’s going on in here?

[Cut to Monica and Taran]

Monica: Your husband tried to kiss me but I said no.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And I believe you.

[cut to Monica and Taran]

Monica: Thank you.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re welcome, girlfriend.

[Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut to Aidy looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut to Taran looking confused]

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Did you see that? Even that man in the scene comprehend the way these women were acting towards each other. Women are instinctively awful to each other. Yesterday, I saw a gal trip another gal and called her an old pig just because she had the same iPhone case. I think that’s what she said. It happened kind of, far away. Here’s one last very dramatic scene from “Supportive women.” Enjoy.

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Monica has a gun in her hand.]

Monica: It’s all going to be better soon. Ha-ha-ha-ha. She won’t know what hit her.

[Cut to Rosa holding a mop]

Rosa: Miss, what are you doing in here?

[Cut to Monica and Rosa]

Monica: [pointing a gun at Rosa] Don’t move, Rosa. Stay right where you are.

[Cut to Rosa being scared.]

[Cut to Monica]

Monica: Because I have a gun I wanna give you. I know you live in a crappy neighborhood. I’d feel terrible if anything happened to you. You’re such a cool chic.

[Cut to Rosa smiling]

Rosa: Thank you. I’ll use that gun in my neighborhood for sure. What a considerate gift.

[Cut to Monica and Rosa]

Monica: I’m so glad you liked it. Here.

[Monica mistakenly pulls the trigger and shoots Rosa]

[Monica holds Rosa]

Monica: Rosa, it was a mistake.

Rosa: I know that dummy. Don’t give it a second thought. You were just trying to be nice. Just all me an ambulance. I’ll be fine. You smell good.

Monica: Aw, gracious.

Rosa: Bienvenida.

[Rosa dies in Monica’s arms.]

[Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: That character died with a smile on her face. I do not know why. Do not ask me those things. This is not why I’m here. Not at this stage in the game. Thank you for watching Forgotten Television Gems. I have been Reese De’What. Good night.

 

He-Man and Lion-O

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Aidy Bryant

He-man… Chris Pratt

Lion-o… Taran Killam

Sister… Cecily Strong

She-ra… Ariana Grande

[Starts with a clip of blue house]

Kyle: A He-Man action figure? Just what I wanted. [Cut to the dining hall. Kyle and Mom are conversing.] Mom, this has been the best birthday ever. I almost don’t care that none of my classmates came to my party.

Mom: Aw! Well, [Cut to Mom] honey, growing up isn’t easy for anyone. At least, you have your toys.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah, but my toys can’t talk. Or sing my songs with me.

We are friends, who dream of love

[cut to Mom bringing a cake to Kyle]

Mom: Oh! Honey, maybe don’t do the song. Okay? Here, why don’t you make your birthday wish and mama’s gonna go up stairs and take a nap, okay? Please don’t bother me sweetheart. Love you.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I wish. I wish my toys were alive.

[Kyle blows the candle. The action figures come to life.]

[cheers and applause]

No way! My wish came true. Hi, He-man. I’m Danny.

[Cut to He-man and Lion-o]

He-man: Danny!

[Kyle points to Lion-o]

Kyle: And you’re Lion-o.

Lion-o: Okay.

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: You’re alive!

He-man: Danny! [He-man hits the utensils with his sword]

Lion-o: What is alive?

Kyle: Careful!

Lion-o: Danny, tell us what alive is.

[He-man hits the table with his sword]

He-man: Danny! Stop!

Kyle: Um, I thought this would be a woody and buzz lightyear thing, like, where you guys would know your worlds [Cut to Kyle] and — You guys don’t know anything.

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Lion-o: [pointing at Danny’s pants] Danny, what are those?
Kyle: These are pants.

Lion-o: Pants?

He-man: Pants? Danny!

Lion-o: Why don’t we have pants?

He-man: [pointing the cake with word] Pants?

Kyle: No, that’s cake.

Lion-o: Why is cake, Danny?

Kyle: You can eat it, see? [Kyle eats a piece of cake]

[Lion-o grabs the cake with his fist and eats]

Lion-o: I like cake.

He-man: Cake? [He-man takes some cake on his finger and eats it]

[Cut to Sister walking in]

Sister: Danny, mom is making me say Happy Birthday to you, so Happy Birthday, okay?

[Cut to He-man and Lion-o]

Lion-o: What was that?

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: That was just my sister.

He-man: I like sister. [He-man runs to the door and hits the door with his face. He doesn’t know how to open the door.]

[Cut to Kyle and Lion-o]

Lion-o: I feel good when I see sister. Bring back sister, Danny.

Kyle: You guys are supposed to play with me.

[Cut to He-man]

He-man: [screaming] I want sister! [He-man punches a hole through the wall]

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: Don’t do that.

Lion-o: Give us more cake, Danny. [Lion-o hits the chair] Ah! I touched this [pointing at his underwear] to that part and it felt good. Why?

[Lion-o touches his underwear by himself]

I like it. I like this, Danny. Do this.

[He-man starts touching Lion-o’s underwear, then Lion-o starts touching He-man’s underwear.]

This feels good, Danny. This is good. Good like cake, but different good.

He-man: Oh! This is good.

Lion-o: I want this with the sister.

He-man: Yeah, with the sister.

Lion-o: Where is sister, Danny?

Kyle: Her room’s down the hall.

He-man: Down the hall. [He-man runs through the wall]

[Cut to Kyle and Lion-o]

Lion-o: Now, give me more cake.

Kyle: Hey, there might be some more in there.

[Lion-o pulls the fridge door out and trows it away.]

Lion-o: There is no cake, Danny.

[He-man runs in again]

He-man: Cake?

[Cut to Lion-o]

Lion-o: Did you find sister?

[cut to He-man]

He-man: I found other sister.

[She-ra runs in with a sword]

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Wow! She-ra, you’re alive too?

[cut to She-ra]

She-ra: I heard you guys were doing this!

[Cut to everybody. Everyone except Kyle is touching their underwear.]

Kyle: Can I have a birthday hug?

She-ra: I don’t like hugs. I like this.

[She-ra starts swinging her sword at the stuffs on the table. Then, He-man and Lion-o also start destroying other things.]

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Hey! What is going on in here?

Kyle: No, it’s not my fault, mom. I made a wish.

[Cut to Mom. He-man and Lion-o walk close to Mom]

Lion-o: Mom?

He-man: Hair!

Lion-o: I like mom.

He-man: I like mom too.

Mom: Oh, my sweet meats. Danny, you may have blown out the candle, but mama’s wish done come true. Do you two want to see our hot tub?

He-man: Hmm, hot tub?

Lion-o: Yes, mom! Hot tub. [Lion-o starts touching his underwear again] This feel good mom!

Mom: Oh, I know. And She-ra, come on! I know you’re a freak!

[Cut to everybody leaving but Kyle.]

CNN State of the Union NFL in Crisis

Candy Crowley… Aidy Bryant

Roger Goodwell… Chris Pratt

Ray Lewis… Kenan Thompson

Shannon Sharpe… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with State of the Union intro]

Candy Crowley: Welcome to the State of the Union. I’m Candy Crowley. Tonight the NFL in crisis. Recent incidents of abuse from Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson have taken a toll on the league. Now, I’ll confess. I don’t know a lot about football. My Sundays are reserved for candy time. I read Nora Roberts novels while I crack team of Korean ladies rehabilitate my feet. But even I know that this league is in trouble. Earlier today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell tried to take control of things with yet another press conference. Take a look.

[Cut to Roger Goodwell in press conference.]

Roger Goodwell: Now, this has been a tough couple of weeks. but in times of trouble you learn who your friends are. So, I want to thank all the people who stood by me. Red Skin’s owner, Dan Snyder. Michael Vick. And Saint’s coach Sean Payton for not holding me to the same standard that I held him. I appreciate it.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Woof! Joining me now are two NFL veterans former Ravens line backer, Ray Lewis.

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: Let’s talk about this, Candy.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: And Hall of famer, Shannon Sharpe.

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Thank you Candy. It is just absolutely a pleasure to be here. It is.

[Cut to Candy Crowley, Ray Lewis and Shannon Sharpe]

Candy Crowley: Alright, first let’s talk about Adrian Peterson who is under investigation for child abuse. [Cut to Candy Crowley] Ray Lewis, you’re a parent. Have you felt you went too far in disciplining your own child?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: Well, Candy, Children need education. And one way for them to receive that is by going to school. You wake up, you feed the child, get the child dressed, send them off.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Okay, yes. But I’m asking about you. Have you ever used corporal punishment on a child?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: A child has a book bag, lunch box, brand new clothes, and I provide those things. So, when you’re talking about teaching somebody something, that’s where we’re paying attention to.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Yes, but what I’m asking is what about you? Have you ever had, say, a legal problem that might have disrupted your team?

[cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: I know what you’re getting at. And let me be perfectly clear. School buses are yellow. Sometimes, orange, depends. The bus pulls up, child gets on, child gets off to school.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Okay, Shannon Sharpe, is this a common problem in the NFL? Have you ever had legal troubles with yourself with a spouse or a child?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, let me just tell you something. Okay, I have never had any legal trouble of my own, dating all the way back to Roger Goodwell0Candy Crowley0, well I did have some legal troubles. So, yes, yes. Hmm, hmm.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Mr. Sharpe, why is this such an ongoing problem?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Well, well, um-hmm, I believe that– Candy, players in NFL are trained to be aggressive. Okay, when you get off that field, you’re full of adrenaline, testosterone, painkillers and butt like line. Okay? The NFL needs to calm these players down. You know, maybe have some herbal tea. You know the possibility go to infinity, Candy. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Alright, let’s look at another clip from Roger Goodwell who I think announced more steps the NFL is taking on domestic abuse.

[Cut to Roger Goodwell]

Roger Goodwell: We want to be part of the solution. So, the NFL is organizing it’s own “Take back the night!” march on October 8th. What this says is we fight women. Oh! Excuse, me. We fight FOR women. We fight for different women? No? Oh! Yeah, of course not. I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Whatever Goodwell is saying, he’s certainly firm about it. Ray Lewis, I’ve just been told that you did have some legal trouble when you were arrested in Roger Goodwell000. Is this a systemic problem?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: School bus pulls up, child goes inside.

[Cut to Ray Lewis and Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, Candy! Can I cut, I’m asking something.

[cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Um, yes. I’m sorry. Mr. Sharpe, did your bow-tie just get bigger?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Okay, Candy, this is a wide issue, okay? And NFL can’t possibly solve it. So, I’m looking forward to all this being solved by the NFL very soon. Yes, I am. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Alright, let’s take a break to sort this out, but first, Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Cialis Turnt

Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Taran opening mirror cabinet and looking for medicine.

Male voice: You’ve dealt with your erectile dysfunction.

[Cut to Taran getting in the room]

Taran: Hi, I’m ready.

[Cut to Cecily Strong in bed]

Cecily Strong: That’s okay. Not tonight.

Male voice: But something’s still missing.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: What’s wrong?

[cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: You’re able to achieve an erection and that’s great. But I need more than that. I need you to get turned.

[drums rolling]

Male voice: Introducing new Cialis Turnt. The only pill that combats your erectile dysfunction [Taran takes the pill] while giving you that unbeatable hip-hop sensation of getting turned.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: I’m about to love you like there’s a roller coaster in my penis.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: What?

[Cut to Taran jumping and dancing to a trap music.]

[song is saying “Everybody get turnt!”]

Male voice: And Cialis Turnt is isn’t just for me.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: When I started taking anti depressants, I lost my sex drive. But that’s when I found Turnt. And now, I freak my man crisis.

[Aidy Bryant takes the pill]

[Aidy Bryant is jumping and dancing to the same music]

Male voice: Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough for sexual activity. [Cut to Taran dancing in a club] Then ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to get Turnt because that’s a whole another thing. If you’re turnt for more than 6 hours, congratulations, you’re not legally Lil’ Wayne. Cialis Turnt, there’s a lot of ecstasy in this.

Booty Rap

Vanessa Bayer

Alberta… Cecily Strong

Sheryl… Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Chris Pratt

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ladies sitting in a restaurant.]

Vanessa: I am so happy we came out tonight.

Alberta: Girl’s night.

Everybody: Woo!

Sheryl: Um, oh my god! Look at that guy. [Cut to four men on bar booth.]

Vanessa: Oh, he’s cute, Sheryl.

Sasheer: You should go talk to him.

Sheryl: Gosh, I could never. Like, what would I even say?

Alberta: Oh, come on! You’ve seen music videos and movies. You know how to flirt.

Sheryl: Gosh, you’re right Alberta. I’m gonna go.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

Hi.

Todd: Hi.

Sheryl: I’m Sheryl. I don’t know how to do this. I’m nervous I guess.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

I’m hot, sticky, gooey and I’m ready to pop
po-put my gushy on your tushy and then spin on the top
with my big fat ass
you know you want it, it’s my big fat ass

Okay, bye.

[Sheryl runs to her friends.]

Was that okay? How was that?

Alberta: You seemed very horny and loud.

Sheryl: That’s good, right?

Vanessa: I think so.

Sheryl: I just– I wish I knew what he was thinking.

[Cut to the men at the bar booth]

Beck: That girl’s so into you. Go back and talk to her.

Todd: Dude, you know me. I don’t know how.

Kyle: Just be confident, like all the guys you see, in that swag.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I’ll give it a shot.

[Todd walks to Sheryl]

Hi.

Sheryl: Hey!

Todd: Gosh! I’m so nervous.

Sheryl: Me too.

Todd: You know, I just have to tell you, you make me feel like…

[Todd starts to rap]

dang, girl, I wanna bang that thing
bang, did you go insane?
Go to plow through your panties
like I’m running on diesel
when I open up my jeans
say “Pop goes the weasel”
Pop, pop, goes the weasel
pop, pop, pop, goes the weasel

Alright, bye.

[Todd walks back to his friends]

Bobby: Hey, Todd. Hey, did you just say, ‘Plow through your panties like I’m running on diesel?’

Todd: I guess so.

Bobby: What does that mean?

Todd: I guess, like, I’mma truck that speed through her panties.

Kyle: Wow, really great. Girls love that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sheryl: And then he told me that he would open his jeans and then I’d say, “Pop goes the weasel.”

Alberta: Very cool, Sheryl.

Sasheer: Go back over there and talk to him.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

Todd: So.. urgh! Tell me about yourself.

Sheryl: Okay. Well I went to Wesley and I double majored in women studies.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

And my big fat ass, ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass
oh, my god! Look at my ass
Look-look-look at my ass
ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass.

What about you? Like, what kind of girls you’re into? You know?

Todd: Um, I guess it’s tough. I guess I’d say I like girls who…

[Todd starts to rap]

drop the ass low, shut the hell up
drop the ass low, shut the hell up
free-free-free-free

You know, I mean, that kind of stuff.

Sheryl: Yeah, that sounds neat.

[Sheryl runs to her friends]

Guys, he said he like girls who shut the hell up.

Alberta: That’s not good, Sheryl. You’re a feminist.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kate]

Kate: But he also mentioned asses and you have one of those.

Vanessa: Am I the only one who thinks Sheryl is hitting the ass stuff a little too hard?

[Cut to the ladies]

Sheryl: But honestly, like, what else do girls even say?

Sasheer: Talk about your family.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

So, I have one brother.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

He’s nine year’s Mikey and he looks like a Viking
he’s got some junker in his trunker so they say he look like me
because I got a big fat ass

[Alberta comes in]

Alberta: Chill! You’re back on the ass stuff again.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Alberta leaves]

Why don’t you tell me more about you?

Todd: [rapping] My name’s Todd and I like that bob
when I bounce that bubble on a curtain raw
when I put at them biscuits, clap them
we can smoke some crack
crack-crack-crack-crack everybody.

[Bobby comes in]

Bobby: Hey, Todd. You’re not gonna smoke crack with this lady, are you?

Todd: Is that what I said?

Bobby: Yeah!

[Bobby walks away]

Sheryl: Listen, Todd. I just I want you to know that, um, I’m down to…

[Sheryl starts to rap]

flirt and slurp,
I know you like it when I flurt my wurp

Todd: What were those words?

Sheryl: I don’t know. I just like you a lot.

Todd: Ow, would you like to go on a date sometime?

Sheryl: Oh, ya. I’d love to. I’ll make sure I’ll bring my

[Sheryl starts to rap]

big fat ass
and I will pump it like a…

[all the ladies and gentlemen join by dancing]

Sheryl and Todd: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Women in the Workplace: Dealing with Diversity

Donna Fingerneck… Cecily Strong

Jodi Cork… Kate McKinnon

D’Angelo… Vanessa Bayer

T Harrison… Chris Rock

Aidy Bryant

Todd…Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with intro of “Women in the Workplace”.]

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork in their set]

Donna Fingerneck: Welcome. It’s me, Donna Fingerneck.

Jodi Cork: And as always, I’m Jodi Cork. Isn’t it hard being a woman in the workplace in the 1990s?

Donna Fingerneck: Sure can. That’s right. You’re watching. This video series. In previous lessons, you’ve learned how to dress for success, where to cry at work and excusing yourself from an important meeting.

Jodi Cork: Because you have to tinkle, or worse.

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck]

Donna Fingerneck: Today’s tape deals with diversity in the workplace. Have you ever gone to work and had a diverse person try to talk to you and you didn’t know where to look?

[Cut to Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Or have you ever accidentally offended a diverse person so much that you walked into a closet and stayed there the rest of the day? Even though every time someone got their coat, they saw you in there?

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Have you?

Jodi Cork: I have for sure.

Donna Fingerneck: And I did twice. So, I have more than once. Let’s watch this workplace simulation starring D’Angelo Tomae and T Harrison Cartel.

Jodi Cork: Will D’Angelo be able to work around T Harrison’s diversity?

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s view and see.

[Cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

D’Angelo: I wonder who they’ll hire to fill the boss position.

T Harrison: They’ve already done it, and it’s me.

D’Angelo: Oh, no, no. That can’t be right. Let’s start over.

T Harrison: Well, we can’t. I’m here and that’s the way it is. Let’s have a good working relationship.

[T Harrison gives his hand to D’Angelo to shake]

D’Angelo: I don’t know your handshakes. But I’ll try.

[T Harrison does her signature shake with clapping, finger snapping and dancing]

T Harrison: I don’t like that. I’m going to my office to listen to Shawday and try to forget you.

[T Harrison leaves]

[Cut to D’Angelo]

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Did you see D’Angela went wrong? She’s over compensating too much. That makes her seem like a nervous bigot.

Jodi Cork: Or more.

Donna Fingerneck: She should make him feel welcome and appreciated by resting his chin on his shoulder and paying him a compliment.

Jodi Cork: Watch now as D’Angela puts this diversity truck in reverse-city.

Donna Fingerneck: See if you can spot the compliments she tells.

[cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

T Harrison: These files have to be filed all the way. You think you can handle that?

D’Angelo: Yes, sir. But first, let me pay you a compliment.

T Harrison: All right, I would like that.

[D’Angelo gets behind T Harrison and puts her chin on T Harrison’s shoulder.]

D’Angelo: Here it is and I mean that. I honestly bet you’re big down there.

T Harrison: Hmm, down there?

D’Angelo: Below your waist band, where your water comes out.

T Harrison: I am big down there. But that’s a stereotype for my wife to deal with. You’re almost fired.

[cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, D’Angela. What a mess. She’s got he’s inks all over her face.

Jodi Cork: She needs to do major damage control and out-diverse him.

Donna Fingerneck: Show up in a wheel chair and tell her you’re a lesbian.

Jodi Cork: But be ready to go through with it, both of it.

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s see if D’Angela can turn her prejudice into preju-dat’s better!

[Cut to Aidy bring D’Angelo to the office on a wheel chair. T Harrison is watching.]

T Harrison: Wow, I didn’t know were a wheel chaired lesbian.

D’Angelo: Yes! For the rest of my life I think. Right honey?

Aidy: You know it.

[Cut to D’Angelo and Aidy kissing]

[Cut to D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy]

T Harrison: Wow. You’re even more diverse than me. You’re promoted.

[Todd walks in]

Todd: [in gay voice] Hey! That promotion was for me.

T Harrison: Sorry Todd.

D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Good job D’Angela and T Harrison. You really taught us something next level terrific.

[Jay walks in and stands behind Donna Fingerneck]

Jay: Hi, ladies.

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, we have to go. Our dates are here. We are biracial couple.

[Beck walks in and puts his hand on Jodi Cork’s shoulder.]

Beck: Hi, sweety!

Jodi Cork: And I don’t do that. Sorry.

Beck: Let’s all blow kisses.

[The couples kiss]

[Ends with an outro]

Swiftamine

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Chris Rock

Dr. David Doctor… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a woman jogging in a park]

Cecily: For years, I suffered from vertigo.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Out of nowhere I’d feel dizzy, disoriented and even nauseous.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Dremamine helped my flashes upside. And I hadn’t had a flair up in years.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Years.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Years.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Until recently.

[Cut to Cecily jogging]

Cecily: I was jogging listening to spotiy.

[Cut to Taran on his laptop]

Taran: Casually browsing iTunes.

[Cut to Chris driving his car]

Chris: Flipping through the radio.

Cecily: And I heard this new song that I loved.

Taran: I loved.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I looked to see who it was and that’s when the vertigo hit.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: It was Taylor Swift.

Chris: Taylor Swift.

Taran: Taylor Swift. The whole room started spinnin.

Chris: I felt nauseous. I don’t like Taylor Swift. I know I don’t.

[Cut to the doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Yes, you do. You friggin lover. Hi, I’m neorologist Dr. David Doctor. Over that last one month, realizing you love Taylor Swift has become the leading cause of vertigo in adults. That’s why, now, there’s Swiftamine. The fast acting antihistamine tablet that’s pink and bubbly, just like Taylor herself.

[Cut to Kenan and his daughters]

Kenan: I took my daughters to a Taylor Swift concert. I did not want to go. I do not get it. But as soon as the concert started, I was on the ground. My daughters say I was slurring the words. And those words were, “Girl can write a song.” They gave me Swiftamine.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I never got into Taylor Swift because in interview, she’s always like, “I’m Taylor Swift.” It’s like, no. Then the other day, I found myself humming ‘Shake it off’ and I got so dizzy, I fell into traffic. Thanks a lot, Taylor. Just kidding. You’re amazing.

[Cut to Dr. David Doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Medically speaking, Taylor Swift on set vertigo occurs when one of her songs forces your brain to fight your ears. Your frontal lobe says, “Oof, Taylor Swift. She’s always wearing, like, a Cecily9Kenan0’s bathing suit.” But your ear is saying, “Shut up. This is a perfect song. [Cut to Aidy dancing in a club.] Taylor Swift on set vertigo can strike anytime, any place.

[cut to Leslie in the club]

Leslie: Oh, man! This beat is banging. Who is it?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Taylor Swift.

Leslie: What?

Aidy: [in slow motion and heavy sound] Taylor Swift.

[Cut to Leslie getting triggered]

Leslie: I freaking love Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Dr. David Doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Swiftamine, for when you realize you love Taylor Swift.

[Leslie gets in dancing behind the doctor]

Leslie: Baby! She got me.

Shark Tank

Cindi… Aidy Bryant

Kevin O’Leary… Beck Bennett

Barbara Corcoran… Kate McKinnon

Daymond John… Kenan Thompson

Mark Cuban… Taran Killam

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi… Kyle Mooney

Abdul Rakim… Chris Rock

[Starts with Shark Tank intro]

Announcer: Welcome back to the Shark Tank where hopeful entrepreneurs try to grow their business with investment from these self made millionaires. Before the break, Cindi from Tulsa tried to win over the two remaining sharks with her Breakfast Pastas.

[Cut to Cindi in the show]

Cindi: So, sharks. Whether it’s pancakes alfredo or spaghetti’s benedict, why not jazz up your morning with Cindi’s breakfast pastas and pancakes?

[Cut to the sharks]

Kevin O’Leary: Nausiating, I’m out.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: I like your product. But the only thing I eat for breakfast is a single vitamin and two diet cokes. I’m out.

[Cut to Cindi]

Cindi: I am ruined.

Announcer: Cindi goes home with nothing. But will the sharks bite this time? Next in the tank, it’s Abdul and Ibri, with an idea they say will revolutionize the world.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Hello sharks. I am Ibraham Al’Bagdadi.

Abdul Rakim: And I am Abdul Rakim. And our organization is called ISIS.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We started with a simple question. How do you read the world of the filthy western pig and the vile Jew?

Abdul Rakim: Now, just a few years later, our small hateful perversion of Islam has grown into a multinational brand.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: But there’s just one problem. ISIS is growing, TOO FAST. Our resources are too thin. And we need your expertise to help manage our growth.

Abdul Rakim: We are seeking 400 million American dollars in exchange for a Cindi% stake in our new kingdom. So, who is ready to invest in crushing the west?

[Cut to Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: Back up. You just gave yourself a evaluation of $Daymond John0 billion. How are you getting that number?

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: Well, Mark Cuban, we are making $Mark Cuban million a day on stolen oil.

[Cut to Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: Wow. Now that is interesting.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: Okay, first of all it’s taking a lot of courage to look you in the eye. And I like that about you. But here’s my problem honey, I’m hearing ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, but your pamplets say ISIL. You’re lacking unified brands.

Kevin O’Leary: Barbara’s right and I don’t need a pamplet. I need numbers. You say you’re growing fast. Show me.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: For you Mr. Wonderful, of course. Alwajj! [Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and a map]

Abdul Rakim: This map shows our land holdings.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We now control this entire region of unusable land.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: Okay, so what’s so special about your Islamic states? What’s stopping me from going out and doing the exact same thing?

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Wait, wait, wait. Back up a minute. How have you managed to grow this fast?

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Two things, Daymond. A crack social media team and good old fashioned, word of bullet.

Abdul Rakim: By the way Daymond, we are prepared to make your clothing brand Fubu the official retailer of the Islamic states.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: I’m listening.

[Cut to Daymond John and Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: No, no. Hold on. Just a second, Daymond. When numbers seen too good to be true, they usually are. Genocidal regimes are very tricky business. I’ve been burned before. For that reason, I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and the other presenters. The other presenters are putting guns at Mark Cuban]

Abdul Rakim: Stay calm. Stay calm. Mark cuban, surely you can reach a deal with us. You can sign if you can sign Dirk Lewinsky for $25 million.

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: Okay, here’s where I’m at boys. We gotta talk about this logo. I mean, honestly guys, it looks like it was drawn in Microsoft Paint.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Barbara, we have heard this before. That’s why we kidnapped a graphic designer and chained him to an iMac. Take a look at the new Isis. Alwajj!

[They show the logo of ISIS. The logo has a chameleon.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Come on, man.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Funny gecko, yeah?

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: I’m sorry. It takes more than a logo to win Mr. Wonderful. I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: May you turn and burn to death with dogs.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: That’s the fifth time I’ve heard that today.

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: You know what? I like you guys. You’re savvy. Your numbers are amazing. But there’s only one thing holing you back and that’s everything you stand for. I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: May you only have daughters]

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: You know, you remind me of the bad guys in the bible.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: Daymond, you’re our only hope.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Well, you know what? I knew I was going to make money with you guys the second you walked into the tank today.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Both: Yes?

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Because that’s when I called homeland security to collect your $30 million bounty.

[Cut to everybody]

[Police enter the show]

Police: Freeze! Drop your weapons.

Barbara Corcoran: Nice played, Daymond.

Daymond John: Thank you very much.

Barbara Corcoran: Very good.