Tag: Alex Moffat

Days of Our Impeachment Cold Open

Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat

Jim Jordan… Mikey Day

Marie Yovanovitch… Cecily Strong

Bill Taylor

Rudy Guiliani… Kate McKinnon

Gordon Sondland… Kyle Mooney

Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with an intro]

Announcer: This week, 13 million Americans tuned in to watch the impeach hearings, as multiple officials testified against President Trump. But some complained the hearings were ‘lacking in pizzazz,’ ‘dull,’ and ‘not the masked singer.’ So to make sure people are paying attention, we now present the hearings in a way that underscores how scandalous these revelations really are. This is… “Days of our Impeachment”, where only thing at stake is democracy. Starring Adam Schiff.

Adam Schiff: Excitement, emotion and none of it from me.

Announcer: The cross examiner with a mysterious brain injury, Jim Jordan.

Jim Jordan: I got my sleeves rolled up because my job is yelling at a woman.

Announcer: The former ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch.

Marie Yovanovitch: Why did Trump come after me? I committed the ultimate sin. I was good at my job.

Announcer: And Jon Hamm as career diplomatic, Bill Taylor.

Bill Taylor: I don’t just kiss and tell. I kiss and tell, and I take notes.

Announcer: Like the real timeline, this is Days Of Our Impeachment.

[Cut to the impeachment]

Adam Schiff: Ordering the chamber, ambassador Yovanovitch, your opening statement?

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Thank you, chairman Schiff. If that is your real name.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: It is.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, great. I’m only here today because I was a target of a smear campaign by President Trump and Rudy Giuliani that left me publicly humiliated and without a job.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Enough! Enough! This witness is clearly here because she loves attention.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yeah. I love the glamor and the spotlight. That’s why I spent my career in Ukraine and Somalia.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Funny you should mention Solamia. Because the president—[suspicious sound]

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Is right behind me? Is that why you look so shocked?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: No. This is just how my eyes look. The president just sent a tweet.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi behind her.]

Heidi: A tweet? Oh! [Heidi faints]

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Let the record show the President is intimidating the witness.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Intimidating? If the president wanted to intimidate you, he’d shoot you in the face in the 5th avenue.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, and then would you impeach him?

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Well, we would have to look  at the facts but no.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch. Bill Taylor walks to the seat near her.]

Bill Taylor: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Bill Taylor?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: What are you dong here?

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: Unlike the people in the Trump administration, I show up. And I have a bombshell revelation. There was a second phone call.

[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi]

Heidi: A second phone call? [Heidi faints again]

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: That’s right. You knew about the first call but no one expected phone call number two.

[Rudy Giuliani walks in]

Rudy Giuliani: Did someone say unexpected number two?

Bill Taylor: Rudy Giuliani?

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. Mercury is in retro grade so my powers are at an all time high. And I have an insurance policy in case the president turns against me. I’m going to die in a mysterious boat explosion.

Bill Taylor: You’re going to fake your own death.

Rudy Giuliani: Fake it? Oh, great! I’ll do that.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: The show critics are calling “necessary to get people’s attention,” and “the first soap where you can’t imagine any of the people in it having sex.”

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: The chair now recognizes–

Unknown voice: Not so fast!

[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Mitch McConnell]

Marie Yovanovitch: Mitch McConnell?

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. And the senate has voted. Acquitted.

Bill Taylor: But this matter is not even before the senate yet.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, sorry. Sorry for the spoiler. Just tell me when I’m supposed to say it. Acquitted.

[Cut to everybody]

Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Rudy, you’re facing the wrong direction.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, where? Oh, where the cameras at? Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: You had a new revelation, too?

Rudy Giuliani: No. I meant, not so fast like, don’t talk so fast. I’m having trouble understanding what’s happening. Normally I watch fox news in low motion with the sound turned up to 100.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: A ‘ridiculous melodrama’ that ‘somehow less crazy than what’s really happening in our government.’

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: Gordon Sondland told me Trump was withholding aid to get political dirt on Biden. I rarely say this as a diplomat, but I told him that was cuckoo-doo-doo-nut-sack-bananas.

Gordan Sondland: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Ambassador Gordon Sondland?

Gordan Sondland: That’s right. I’m part of this too. And I know that I said in earlier testimony that there was no quid pro quo. But that’s because I had amnesia. My amnesia is fine again and I remember, there was a quid pro quo.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi: Aladin phrase? [Heidi faints again]

Michael Avenatti: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti?

Michael Avenatti: That’s right. I’m that name you just said. I have a bombshell that will change everything. The president had an affair. [suspicious sound]

Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yes. We know.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, you do?

Bill Taylor: That story is from like last season.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, alright. Very well. [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Then maybe this will interest you. The affair was with a porn star. [suspicious sound]

[Cut to everybody]

Marie Yovanovitch: Yes, but we know. No one seems to care.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, really? Oh, damn! Alright. Oh fine, I’ll go. You haven’t seen the last of me. Who am I playing again?

Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti.

Michael Avenatti: Michael Avocado.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: And featuring the telenovela sensation, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: This hearing is lacking one thing. A star. That is why you need Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

Man: Alexandria. I didn’t expect to see you here.

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: And I din’t expect you to be such a low key daddy. Now, here’s a red new deal. It’s my lips.

[They kiss]

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Okay. What? Chairman? I object.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: I’ll allow it.

[Cut to Myles Garrett, Bill Taylor and Marie Yovanovitch]

Myles Garrett : Enough!

Marie Yovanovitch: Wait. The guy with the helmet?

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: That’s right. I have seen enough. I am tired of being falsely accused. You see, what had happened was I saw another player who had lost his helmet somehow and I thought, “Oh, he should be wearing a helmet.” So, I attempted to put it back on his head.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Mr. Garrett, you are on trial here.

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: Oh, I know. President Trump just pardoned me too for the warcraft. He said I could bring a helmet to Afghanistan and just go nuts. Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: It’s Rudy Giuliani’s evil twin.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, no, just regular Rudy. I tried to do that thing where you hold up a magnifying glass and say I’m going to look into that but instead I grabbed a hammer. I took my own eye off. Not my best day. Not my worst.

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: Oh my god, it’s a bad person. [Myles Garrett hits Rudy Giuliani with his helmet]

Bill Taylor: Is Rudy okay?

Rudy Giuliani: I think he might have fixed me. But to find it, you’ll have to tune in next time on—

Everybody: Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!

Funeral DJs

Aidy Bryant

Dad… Beck Bennett

Father… Mikey Day

Marcus… Harry Styles

Luke… Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a video clip of a church]

Aidy: It’s so hard, knowing that you’re gone, Nana. [Cut to inside the church at funeral.] But at least we know you’re in a better place. Right, dad?

Dad: Yeah, I love you, mom.

[Aidy and Dad leave]

Father: Well, it’s clear that Betty had a special place in all of our hearts. Now, as it says in the book of Psalms, praise the lord god with timbrel and dancing. So we would like to close out today’s ceremony with a musical tribute from Betty’s close personal friends, Marcus and Luke.

[Dance music starts playing with disco lights]

[Cut to the visitors of the funeral]

Aidy: What’s going on, dad?

Dad: I don’t know.

[Cut to the funeral casket. Two DJs come in making noise.]

Marcus: Yo, all right Meyer’s family. Time to turn up. Who’s ready to get sad today?

Luke: Who’s ready?

Marcus: How are we all doing tonight?

[Cut to Alex and Melissa]

Alex: Yes.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: I said, how we all doing tonight?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Everybody: Bad!

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Luke: Now, we all are on board.

Marcus: Let’s blow this place up. And celebrate the life of Betty Meyers. 89 years old.

Luke: R-R-Rest in peace, bitch.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: Excuse me?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: She had a full life, yo.

Luke: Full ass life.

Marcus: But she’s gone now. And you sad, get your ass up right now.

Luke: Get your sad ass up. Yo, let’s bounce.

[Music changes to ‘Say Something’ by Big World]

Song: Say something I’m giving up on you.

[The DJs take off their glasses]

[Cut to Alex and Melissa]

Alex: I’m very confused by all this.

Melissa: Me, too.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: It’s okay to feel confused.

Luke: Because your grandma’s dead.

[Dance music stars playing]

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Aidy: What is this?

Melissa: I don’t know. But I kind of like it.

Dad: I don’t. And it is my mom. Who are these guys?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: We are funeral DJs. I thought that was obvious. Now we’ve got a question for you all.

Luke: H-H-How you holding up?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Alex: Get that laptop off my Nana’s casket, you jackass.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: Can’t do that. But I can ask you to follow us under the Facebook name DJ Casket!

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Aidy: Wait, now I’m more confused. Is your name DJ Casket or DJ Casket Twins?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: We only say this one more time. We are DJ Casket.

Luke: Twins..

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: How the hell are you guys twins?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

[The music changes to Sarah McLachlan – In the arms of an angel]

Marcus: You know, even though Betty is not here, doesn’t mean she’s not around. \

Robot voice: She in heaven smoking blunts.

[Dance music starts playing again]

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Melissa: Nana smoked blunts? That’s cool.

Aidy: Father Daigle, why are you doing this to us?

Alex: Get these guys out of here.

[Cut to Father, Marcus and Luke]

Father: Look, please remember that these guys were close personal friends of your mom’s.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: [In angry voice] And how do you know that?

[Cut to Father, Marcus and Luke]

Father: Because that’s what they said. Do these guys look like liars?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Dad: Yes, they said they were twins.

Melissa: I don’t know. I think these guys are kind of cool.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: All right. Before we bring this home, Scott is going to come around for the tithes and offerings.

[Cut to the people at funeral. There’s a man wearing funky dress and asking for offerings]

Pete: Hey, what’s up? We appreciate the money that jingles, but we love the money that balls.

Aidy: Who are you?

Pete: I’m the official manager of DJ Casket. Look, I know you’re sad today. But the good news is, heaven’s got brand new ho.

Aidy: What?

Melissa: Go grandma.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus:  All right. Let’s bring it home. And remember–

[Music changes to R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts]

Marcus: [Singing]

Don’t let yourself go

coz…

[Music changes to C+C Music Factory – Gonna Make You Sweat]

Song: Everybody dance now!

[Marcus and Luke open their pants. They’re wearing underwear with ‘RIP Betty’ written on them.]

Marcus: Rest in peace, Betty.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Aidy: Dad, why are you crying?

Dad: Because mom would have actually liked this.

Stargazing

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

Robert… Beck Bennett

Kristen Stewart

[Starts with five people on their stargazing hike.]

Mikey: All right, folks, I know the stargazing hike has been long.

Aidy: And fun as hell.

Alex: Yeah, we love this stuff.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And I love this energy. But hey, how about this view? Not bad, huh?

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: Oh, yeah, this is a beautiful spot. You can see so much of the sky.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Exactly. That’s what makes so special. You can see so many constellations out here. So, let’s check it out?

[An elderly couple comes near them]

Robert: Oh! What a marvelous view. I can already see some of my favorites.

Mikey: Wow, I didn’t know we had an astronomy buff in the group.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Robert was in the navy. He says he always loves to sleep on the deck under the stars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Wow, yeah, I bet that was quite the view.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Oh, it was. We saw so much in that night sky.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: Hey, can we see the big dipper from here?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, actually I was just about to point that out. Just follow my finger, guys.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Oh, my god, that’s amazing. I love the constellations.

Alex: Yeah, yeah, the universe is just so amazing.

Robert: And look here, young man. Let me show the little dipper.

Alex: Whoa. Very cool. Thank you, sir.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: If you look closely, you see that the two dippers teach the golden rule.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really, I’ve never heard that.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Aidy: Yeah, how did they teach the golden rule?

Robert: Golden rule, treat others how we would like to be treated, see?

[Cut to everybody]

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

And see, they’re servicing each other.

Mikey: Oh, my god. Is that—Is that supposed to be—

Robert: Double simultaneous oral.

Alex: Yes. Gross. The dippers aren’t doing that.

Kristen: Oh, yes, they are. And they have been ever since I was a girl.

Robert: Yeah, I mean what do they even teach kids anymore?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, definitely not that the dippers are servicing each other.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Boo, crude virgin.

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Alright, that’s enough with the dippers, I think.

Aidy: Yeah, yeah, why don’t we look at something else?

Mikey: Yeah, well, if you look here, I’ll show you the constellation Leo. You guys see the lion?

Kristen: Ah. Yes, yes. But if we look closer we can learn a valuable lesson here.

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

Robert: The greatest joy in life comes from helping a friend in need.

Mikey: Oh, my god. Come on, that’ disgusting.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Disgusting? Sucks to be his wife.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m not married.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Oh, I think I know why.

Kristen: You don’t go down. Am I right, ladies?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Oh, oh, no. We’re more like him than you, okay?

Robert: Oh, look. I see Scorpius right over here.

Mikey: Yes, that’s actually right. You guys see how it’s a scorpion?

Robert: Oh, I see much more than that.

Aidy: Oh, please don’t. This one’s my favorite.

Robert: Mine too, see? It teaches an important lesson about the strength of partnership.

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

Mikey: Is that—

Kristen: a man trying to reach himself, yes.

Mikey: What does that have to do with the strength of partnership?

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Because of no matter how hard a man tries, he’ll never be able to reach himself. For that kind of satisfaction, you need a partner.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Well, this sucks. Constellations are what I live for. And you horny old freaks have ruined it.

Alex: Yeah, you guys just look up at night and perv out on the stars?

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Well, that’s what they’re for.

Robert: You see, in our day there was no internet to satiate our horns.

Kristen: We had to project our fantasies onto the stars.

Robert: Yes, we’d go outside as a group and stare at the stars until everyone screamed.

Kristen: Sweet husband, I—I want to scream at the stars right now.

Robert: I want to help you scream at the stars.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: What the hell is happening? My god!

Mikey: Right here? No one wants to see that.

Hungry Jury

Joe… Kristen Sterwart

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with jury deciding the case]

Joe: Okay, well, that’s six votes for innocent and six votes for guilty.

Cecily: Great, so we’re still deadlocked?

Aidy: Dammit. We are never getting out of here.

Cecily: I know.

Kate: How does anybody still think this guy is innocent?

Kenan: Well, I bet you’d understand if he was a white man.

Kyle: And here we go with the race card.

Joe: Okay guys, can we please not go there again?

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right. Judge wants to know if you’re close to a verdict.

Aidy: No. We’re still deliberating and I’m starving.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Yeah, actually we haven’t eaten yet. If we can get some food, that’d be great!

[Cut to Bailiff]

Bailiff: Okay, I’m not a waiter. I’m a Bailift. Just let me know when ya’ll are done.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Did he say “Bailift” with a “T”?

[Cut to Heidi, Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: Who cares, my friggin’ stomach is literally doing flips right now.

Heidi: Yeah, mine too.

Ego: Okay, well, sorry. If a man’s freedom is getting in the way of your dinner plans.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know that’s not what she meant.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: All I’m saying is if the defendant was white, you might have believed his story.

Ego: He’s right.

[Cut to Mikey and Joe]

Mikey: Oh, come on, race has nothing to do with this.

Joe: Oh, okay, but—

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Whoa. What was that?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Sorry, that was actually my stomach.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Damn. That was loud.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: And I told you my stomach is upset. I got to eat something.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan]

Ego: How can you say race has something to do with this? They pulled him over without cause.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: He was speeding. [Stomach growling] Sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Do you want a tums or something, Joe?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: No, I want a meal.

[Cut to Heidi and Ego]

Heidi: Okay, but what about that last witness?

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Oh, she was clearly lying.

Alex: She changed her story, like three times.

[Cut to Joe]

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Are you sure you’re okay?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: That one wasn’t me.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: I’m sorry. I think that was my stomach that time.

Ego: Why would that witness have any reason to lie?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Exactly. It doesn’t make any—[Stomach growling] Ooh. I guess I’m a little hungry too.

Kate: Do you need a tums?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Oh, we really need to get out of here.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: If I don’t get to eat something soon, I swe—[Stomach growling] and that one was mine again.

Kenan: Well, could you please quiet your stomach up?

Aidy: Obviously not.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: It’s involuntary, okay?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: So, just take a tums.

Cecily: You know what? [Stomach growling] Oh, I will take one of your tums, actually.

Kate: Oh, I don’t have any tums.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you keep offering them?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: I was offering advice.

[Stomach growling]

Cecily: Sorry.

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: I’m sorry.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

[Stomach growling]

Aidy: Pardon me.

[Cut to everybody]

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Beck: All right. Does anybody want to change their vote?[Stomach growling][Stomach growling] Anybody?

Chris: [Singing] I’m just a bachelor

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Come on, man, y’all can’t hear that?

Kate: Hear what?

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan. Ego is dancing on the sound of Stomach Growling.]

Joe: Okay, fine, I’ll change my vote.

Ego: Then, I change my vote too.

Heidi: What? That just brings us back to a deadlock again.

Ego: I know, but I want to hear the rest of this song.

I’m just a bachelor looking for a partner.

Kenan: Looking for a problem.

Aidy: Okay, please stop. This is embarrassing.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Someone who knows how to ride.

Chris: Okay, you know this song too Darrel?

Kyle: Of course I do, it’s by Magic Mike.

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan]

Kenan: Magic Mike? Man, it’s Ginuwine.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Who the heck is Genuine?

[Cut to everybody]

Ego: He said Ginuwine.

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right, y’all better be ready– oh, this is my jam.

[Cut to Alex, Joe and Mikey]

Joe: Oh, not you too.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yo! Let’s just hit the chorus.

Everybody: If you’re horny let’s do it ride it my pony

Elizabeth Warren Town Hall Cold Open

Hostess… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a hostess speaking on the stage]

Hostess: Hello, Iowa. Thanks for coming out today. Now let’s give a big, warm, Iowa welcome to the lady of the hour and the next president of the United States, maybe, senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cheers and applause]

[Elizabeth Warren walk in the stage and hugs the hostess.]

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! Woo! Yeah. Yeah. Hello. It is good to be here. Look at me, I am in my natural habitat. A public school on the weekend. And I just had the nature valley bar in the hallway so I’m jacked up and ready to pop off. First, I would like to pout one out to Beto O’Rourke for dropping out of the race. Thank you so much for running a great campaign and sticking around long enough to call me punitive. That was so bad ass. Let me now how death tastes, all right? And congratulations to Donald Trump for paying less taxes by moving to Florida, or as he calls it, bringing his talents to south beach. You know where I pay taxes? Every single state, out of principle. So Donald, don’t stand too close to an orange tree or someone might try to pick your head. I’m feeling stanky. Alright, we’re fighting. Who’s got a question? Who’s got a question?

[Cut to Cecily in the audeince]

Cecily: Hi, I work for Kamala Harris’ campaign. But I’m still undecided. I’d like to know, why did it take so long for you to release your plan to pay for medicare for all?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yep, yep, yep. Thank you. Thank you for bringing up health care, that is my desposito. You know, in the last few years. The number one reason families went bankrupt was because of health care costs, even the people who had insurance. It’s a tricky little corn maze. But when Bernie was talking medicare for all, everybody was like, “Oh, cool.” And then they turned to me and they were like, “Fix it, mom.” And I’ll do it, ‘cause that’s what moms do. With dad, you eat birthday cake for breakfast and then you go to six flags and then I hold your hand while you throw up in my purse. Daddy takes you to see “Boogie Nights” when you’re ten. I provide the long, tender follow up explanations about sex and whether Mark Wahlberg’s penis is a realistic length. It ain’t fun. But I will do it. And, next question. Thank you.

[Cut to Alex in the audience]

Alex: Hi, I’m an aspiring billionaire and current stay at home stepdad. You’re pulling ahead of Biden. How does your plan compare to his?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Thank you. Thank you for your question. My plan compares favorably in that it exists. Nobody—Nobody asks Biden how to pay for stuff ‘cause his plans are so vague. Nobody asks how we’re going to pay for remember Obama. Biden—Biden doesn’t even know how to pay for stuff. He just puts down a $50 bill on the Amtrak dining car every few months. Okay, so here’s my plan. Take a look at this. Okay. So, first off, we’re going to cut military spending. So, immediately dead in the water. Two, Jeff Bezos will go from paying no tax to a tax. Mr. Bezos, the government is a little like Amazon Prime. To reap the benefits, you’ve got to pay an annual fee and that’s called taxes. And unlike you, we can’t just take it out on your debit care without warning. And third, okay? Banks, I’m going to tax the banks. Duh. What did you think I was going to do? Hold up a gas station? They’re going to pay for it and not one penny from the middle class. All we got to do is convince JP Morgan to operate like a nonprofit. Okay, next question. Next question.

[Cut to Cecily in the audience]

Cecily: Hi, sorry, I have a follow-up ’cause I’m annoying. You said your plan would cost $20.5 trillion but other economists have said it could cost $34 trillion.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Okay, let me stop you right there. Now we’re talking trillions. So, when the numbers are this big, they’re just pretend. They ain’t no Scrooge McDuck Vault somewhere. You ready to get red pealed? Money doesn’t exist. It’s just a promise from a computer. You might as well say it was cost 13-non-jillion-over-12-detan. Alright, next!

[Cut to Cecily in the audience]

Cecily: Sorry, senator, I’m going to see the math on that.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah? Okay. You want to see the math? I’ll show you. Look at this here. [Elizabeth Warren clips her board. There are statistical calculations on the board.] Do you understand this? I do. I can explain it to you but you would die. Okay, next question. Yeah, you.

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: Hi, I’m terrified of the doctor. And my husband is one. But that’s a separate problem. My question is, how are we going to get swing voters on board with the radical idea like universal health care?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Ooh, way to subtly ask if I’m electable. Careful, that’s my kink. Okay, see, look, you know why lobbyists are so against universal health care? They’re afraid you’re going to like it. ‘Cause it’s awesome. In “Footloose” they banned dancing. They didn’t ban broccoli. The bottom line is people are afraid of change. They only like their current insurance because they already know what it is, not ’cause it’s good. Something seems scary until you try ‘em out and find that they’re great. Like sushi, or butt stuff. Okay, next question.

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: Hi, senator. My current insurance isn’t perfect. But with your plan, I’d have to give it up, and that makes me nervous.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: You know what, I hear this from a lot of people. Let me help you understand. Your insurance is like a bad boyfriend. Girl, listen to me.

[Music starts playing]

You need to leave him. He’s draining you. You deserve better. Dump his ass.

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: [Crying] I know. You’re right. I’m settling. But I’m just scared to leave because what if it’s the best I can get?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Girlfriend, how much is your deductible?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: $8,000. I don’t even have dental. [Crying] My teeth hurt so bad.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: All right. Listen to me, you beautiful bitch! Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to call him. You’re going to end it. And I’m going to come right over with an apple strudel and we’re going to post up on the couch and watch my favorite show which is somehow “Ballers.” And then one day, blue cross blue shield’s going to text you from the club saying, “Baby I miss you.” And you’re going to say, “New phone, who dis?” Okay, girlfriend, you’re going to be just fine. Do you believe that?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: Yes.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: So, do I have your vote?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: I don’t know. Pete Buttigieg seems nice.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, go to hell. And live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

Duolingo for Talking to Children

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Stewart

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a video of a in house get together. Aidy is introducing her son to her friends]

Aidy: These are mommy’s co-workers. [Cut to Kenan, Kristen and Alex] Can you say hi?

Kenan: What’s up, buddy, you’re looking fresh.

[Cut to the boy laughing]

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Hey, you look nice.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: All right. Give me high five, buddy. [Alex and the boy gives high-five to each other] Ow, too strong.

Kenan: I bet you played football, right? [The boy nods his head]

Kristen: Yeah, and you go to school. That sucks.

[Cut to Aidy confused]

[Cut to Kristen]

Do you wear your clothes to school?

[The boy is scared of Kristen]

[Aidy takes her son away]

[Cut to Kristen]

Female voice: You have no idea how to talk to children?

[Kristen shakes her head ‘No’]

Does it make you feel like a bad person that you can’t?

[Kristen nods her head ‘Yes’]

It’s never too late to learn.

[Cut to iPad with an app “Duolingo”]

With the new duolingo for talking to children. The first app for grown people who need to learn how to talk to kids because their friends are starting to have them. Practice just five minutes a day and you’ll be a brat whisperer in no time.

[Cut to Kristen practicing in a cafe]

Kristen: Very cool, bud. Very cool, bud. Chicken fingers. Chicken fingers. I like your backpack.

Female voice: The one thing you know about talking to kids is you’re not allowed to call girls pretty but then it’s like, “What do you say?”

[Cut to a woman brings her daughter to Kristen in her office]

Kristen: You look not pretty. I mean, you’re smart. I mean, you’re an engineer one day.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Are you okay?

Kristen: I got this. [Cut to Kristen. She opens the app.] Just one second, sorry. Cool backpack!

[Cut to the girl smiling]

Female voice: Get a better sense of kids. Get a better sense of kids’ ages.

Voice from app: Identify the 12-year-old. Correct!

Female voice: Practice traditional greeting.

Voice from app: I got your nose!

Female voice: Build your stamina for long, meandering, pointless stories.

[Cut to Kristen and a girl speaking]

The girl: I really like the pizza they have too.

[Kristen looks at the app]

Kristen: Cool!

Female voice: In as little as six weeks you’ll be ready for all kinds of kinder conversations like friends new baby, the bus, dance recitals, child falls on sidewalk in front of you, public restaurants, airport gates, hot tub at vacation resorts, and child wearing big pink dress. Let’s face it. Kids are bad conversationalists. But you don’t have to be.

[Cut back to Aidy’s house with colleagues]

Kristen: So, I bet you like chicken fingers.

[Aidy’s son nods his head ‘Yes’]

[Cut to Kyle walking to the boy]

Kyle: Hey, high five.

[Kyle puts his palm near the boy’s face]

Too slow.

[Kyle is upset he can’t impress the boy]

[Cut to Kristen showing Kyle her app]

Female voice: Duo lingo for talking to kids, also available in–

Weekend Update Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Benefiting from Trump’s Presidency

Colin Jost

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost on his news set]

Colin Jost: This week, president Trump’s eldest son attacked Hunter Biden in the media for allegedly profiting from his father’s political influence. Here with more, first sons, Eric and Don Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. come in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, Colin. Nice Bernie jokes. Can you believe it, they actually made fun of a democrat.

Eric: Ha-ha.

Donald Trump Jr.: Do you like that, Eric?

Eric: I don’t get it!

Colin Jost: Now Eric, you were recently interviewed on Fox News?

Eric: All by myself.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, you were. God, I was so proud of him. Our little boy is growing up, Colin. Today he sat through an entire meeting without doing the pee-pee dance.

Eric: And I had to go.

Donald Trump Jr.: He’s transitioning from bath to showers.

Eric: I still lay down.

Donald Trump Jr.: And he even has a crush on a girl.

Eric: Ha-ha! My wife!

Donald Trump Jr.: Uh-huh! Lara Trump, your wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Colin Jost: Congrats, Eric. Well, you’ve both been accusing of Hunter Biden of benefiting from his father’s political connections, but haven’t you two been doing the exact same thing?

Donald Trump Jr. and Eric: Ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, we’d been running the Trump organization even if Donald Trump wasn’t our father.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, but Hunter Biden, you know, Colin, there’s a word for when you get a job because of who your family is.

Eric: Uh-huh. Nipple teasing!

Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s nepotism, bud. It’s not nipple teasing, right? Nepotism.

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: Do you want to try saying Nepotism? Nepotism. All right. Look, if the dems want a witch hunt, they should go after the real witch, okay? Joe—

Eric: Hermione—

Donald Trump Jr.: –Biden.

Eric: –Granger.

Donald Trump Jr.: Not real, buddy. Look, all of these attacks on our family, Colin, are just distractions. The dems know this primary’s a disaster. And no one can beat our father in the general. And the worse is this Kamala Harris. Oh, my god. My dad can’t stand her. Because Harris is—

Eric: A woman!

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, that’s not why. Harris is—

Eric: lack.
Donald Trump Jr.: No, Eric, she’s a big talker. But it’s clear she’s all bark and no—

Eric: White!

Donald Trump Jr.: No, no! Eric, you know something buddy, do you want to play with your new pen toy?

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Got this at Fao Schwartz, right? Yeah. The bottom line, Colin—Look, you know how this works. You put things in it like—Oh, yeah! Oh, no. Look, I’m going to talk to Colin right now, okay? Look, Colin, I’ll make this simple. All the lies, witch hunts and impeachments inquiries in the world won’t help the dems’ chances in this 2020 election. The Trumps are here to stay. And now the message for the dems, do we look like people who lose?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Colin Jost: No comment. The Trump brothers, everyone.

Eric: I disappeared!

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, thank you.

Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump]

[Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

Space Mistakes

Dad… Chance the Rapper

Mom… Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Lervy… Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Announcer: From the producers who enjoyed Apollo 13, Ad Astro, Gravity and The Martian, comes another film about the dangers of space.

[Cut to a kid playing a toy with his father]

Kid: Daddy, why do you have to go to space again?

Chance: ‘Cos that’s where I work son.

Kid: Promise you won’t make a mistake up there.

Chance: I promise, because that would be the worst place to make one.

[The kid falls asleep. His mom is looking at them.]

Ego: You said last time was the last time.

Chance: Baby, what are you so worried about?

Ego: I’m worried you’ll make a mistake. You could crack your helmet, spin too fast, push the wrong thing and the top comes off, your tube could pop, the window could Ka’boom!

[Cut to inside the rocket, Chance and his astronaut colleagues]

Beck: Going to space today. You guys excited?

Lervy: I am. Just hope we don’t make any mistakes up there.

Chance: Well, you know what they say, “In space, no one can hear you make a mistake!”

[They laugh]

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station]

Alex: Okay now, 10, 9, 8– remember, no oopsies! 7, 6– I mean it. Everything has to go perfect.

[Cut to inside the rocket ship]

Astronauts: We promise.

Alex: 5!

Chance: Dude, seat belt!

Lervy: Oh, my bad. Nice catch.

Alex: 4!

Lervy: Not working.

Alex: 3!

Beck: Seat belt first, then gloves.

Lervy: I forgot!

Alex: 2!

Chance : What did you do?

Alex: 1!

Lervy: I made a mistake!

[The rocket takes off. Alex falls off and dies.]

Announcer: Space mistakes.

Alex: What happened?

Chance : Lervy, he made a mistake. And because it happened in space, he exploded.

Alex: Dammit!

Beck: Sir, he burst!

Announcer: The film that asks the question, what if you messed up at work, but your work was space?

[Chance is working in his ship. He makes a hole on the shell.]

Chance: Oh no!

Beck: Oh, crap! Oh, no! I dropped the–

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station. Bowen Yang spills his coffee to the computer.]

Bowen Yang: No! A mistake!

Alex: What’s this button do?

Computer: A mistake! Mistake!

Alex: Yikes!

[Cut to Beck screwing the rocket ship from the outside]

Beck: Lefty, righty, tidy loosy– [The screw is loose and hits Beck’s helmet and cracks it] No! No! No!

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station, Alex is on the phone.]

Alex: Mam, it’s your husband. [Cut to Beck’s wife on the phone] He made a mistake.

Ego: Where?

Alex: In space.

Ego: No!

Announcer: Space Mistakes. See it in IMX or on our plane, nothing in between.

Judge Barry

Police… Alex Moffat

Judge Barry… Chance the Rapper

Patricia Jones… Ego Nwodim

Judith Baker… Aidy Bryant

Ladenzel Jenkins… Chris Redd

Man with a puppet… Kyle Mooney

Male exotic dancer… Bowen Yang

Andrew Wilson… Mikey Day

Joanne McCormack… Melissa Villaseñor

Glady’s Feldman… Kate McKinnon

Apollo Benz… Jason Momoa

[Starts with “First Impressions Court” intro]

Announcer: He takes no nonsense. And he takes no more than 10 seconds to reach a verdict. He’s judge Barry and this is “First Impressions Court”.

[Cut to the court room]

Police: All rise. The honorable Judge Barry Presiding.

Judge Barry: All right. Thank you. Be seated.

Police: Your honor, this is case number 18 on the docket.

[Patricia Jones walks to the judge]

Announcer: 26-year-old Patricia Jones is suing her former friend for $2,700 after she alleges he stole her car while she was asleep and still hasn’t returned it.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby walking in. He’s wearing a nice suit.]

The defendant, 53-year-old Trevor Brisby says that he—

[Gavel knocks]

Judge Barry: Guilty! [Cut to Judge Barry] He did it! Next case.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Hold on, now. With all due respect, your majesty, but you haven’t even heard my side of the story yet, man.

[Cut to Judge Bary]

Judge Barry: Sir, I’ve been a Chicago judge for 31 years. I don’t have to hear your side. I’m looking at you in that ridiculous high lighter suit and I know for a fact that you’re guilty of something.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Well, now, wait a minute. Please, your majesty. Come on! Just let me explain.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: You’ve got ten seconds.

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: Well, I thank you for that. Now, first of all, the only reason I’m up in here is because this woman is trying to have sexual penetrations on me.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Excuse me?

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: You know I got that magic stick, baby.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Okay, you’re disgusting.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Get him out of here. Judgment is for the plaintiff. Next case.

[Cut to Judith Baker walking in]

Announcer: Plaintiff Judith Baker says she is owed $325 after the defendant, her ex-boyfriend, [Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins walking in] 29-year-old Ladenzel Jenkins.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Hold on. Your name is Ladenzel? Oh, you definitely guilty.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: But you ain’t even hear my story!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Whatever it is, you did it, man. Look at how you came to court.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: Look, your highness, me and this woman ain’t never even dated.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Yes, we did. We have a son together.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: That is a lie. You can’t get pregnant on the first time. Everybody knows that.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. Just pay the lady. Let’s keep this thing moving. Next case.

[Cut to a man walking in with a puppet]

Announcer: The plaintiff – [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: He’s guilty. He’s guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I’m the plaintiff.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Plaintiff, defendant, I don’t care. I just know that you’re guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I have a special surprise witness.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Let me guess, it’s a puppet?

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: All right, I’m going to go.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Yeah, wise choice. Next case!

[Cut to a male exotic dancer walking in]

Announcer: A male exotic dancer— [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Next case! Guilty. All right. Can we do one with normal people?

[Cut to Andrew Wilson walking in]

Announcer: Andrew Wilson is suing his former tenant and coworker, [Cut to Joanne McCormack walking in] Joanne McCormack for a broken lease, stolen furniture and appliances amounting to $5,000.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Okay. Okay. This is a tough one.

[Cut to Andrew Wilson]

Andrew Wilson: Your honor, his lady may look innocent, but she is a con-artist, a liar, and a thief.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Interesting. Ma’am?

[Cut to Joanne McCormack]

Joanne McCormack: Okay, first of all, that’s a dang lie. He just mad because want to do — with me!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. He wins. Almost had me. All right let’s do one more. I got night church in an hour.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman walking in]

Announcer: Glady’s Feldman is suing her former live-in nurse, [Cut to Apollo Benz walking in] Apollo Benz for stolen cash.

Apollo Benz: Now, listen, your hombre. I see the way you’re looking at me right now, and I know what you’re thinking.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: That you bang old ladies and then steal their money?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: That may be so, but I’m not just some dumb gigolo. I’m also a certified paraplegic—legal. So I understand the law.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: Your honor, this man is a thief.

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Excuse me! She stole from me first.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Oh, really, what did she steal?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: My heart.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: 

You know what, you gave me the biggest and best Os of my life. But I still want my money and my chandelier earrings. They’ve been in my family for generations.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Sir, do you have this woman’s earrings too?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Wait, these? [Apollo Benz opens his shirt. He is wearing her earrings on his nipples.]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty! I need a big boy break. Let’s take a recess. [Gavel sound]

[Ending with First Impression Court outro]

Announcer:  It’s “First Impressions Court” with judge Barry.