Tag: Alex Moffat

Singing Elves

Elf Fizzy… Alex Moffat

Elf Tizzy…Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Dondra Dupres… Scarlett Johansson

Wondrous Williams… Kenan Thompson

Latony Garag… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a Santa Land store in a mall]

Elf Fizzy: Hello, everyone. I’m Elf Fizzy.

Elf Tizzy: And I’m Elf Tizzy. Welcome to Santa Land at the North Ridge Mall.

[Cut to few adults and children clapping]

[Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: Yeah! And before we line you up for Santa, there are some elves that want to sing for you.

[Cut to the Heidi and Beck]

Heidi: Well that sounds nice. I wonder what they’ll sing.

Beck: Probably some pretty basic Christmas junk.

Heidi: Hon, be fun.

Beck: Okay.

[Cut to Elf Fizzy and Elf Tizzy]

Elf Fizzy: And just so you know, the singing elves are not the ones on the poster, the website or from our very deep bench of understudies.

Elf Tizzy: These two work at the mall and they picked the costumes.

Elf Fizzy: Uh-huh! Here they are. Those people!

[Dondra and Wondrous walk in in elf costumes.]

Dondra: Hi, I’m Dondra Dupres.

Wondrous: And I am Wondrous William.

Dondra: Wondrous and I work at the hair extension kiosk in the mall.

Wondrous: More than that, we are entertain-ters!

Dondra: The first song song is about the special problemities that Santa may have around a Chimnies.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Wig white black boot

wide belt red suit

Dondra: [singing]

Beard gorwn lips pursed

enters the room booty first

Dondra and Wondrous: Squishing that ass down the chimney shoot

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is confused but Beck is moving his body to the music.]

Dondra: Everybody get some lube

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

help this booty slip and bloop!

Wondrous: Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop

Dondra and Wondrous: Black down that chimney, y’all!

[Cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: what was that? I wanted “Let it snow.” That felt druggy.

Beck: It felt very Todrick-cal to me. call moment to me.

Heidi: Who’s that?

Beck: He’s great. He’s a dynamic gender bending performer. His songs make you want to shake your boozy.

Heidi: Boozy? Where’s this coming from, babe?

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: What’s wrong with Mrs. Claus, Wondrous?

Wondrous: I don’t know, Dondra. She seems frustrated, sex-u-ally.

Dondra: Maybe she has womanly needs that aren’t being met.

Wondrous: Well, who on earth would do that to her?

Dondra: Exactly.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

While Santa’s climbing in his sleigh

Mrs. C comes out to play

Dondra: [singing]

Mrs. Claus don’t give no f

she gives her cookies to the elves

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: Mrs. Claus has needs

Wondrous: Needs

Dondra: Needs that starts with a D

Wondrous: D

Dondra: If you give an f

Wondrous: F

Dondra: Please loan one out to me

Wondrous: Me

Dondra and Wondrous: All of our f’s are what? Got ya’ blap!

[cut to Heidi and Beck. Beck is clapping.]

Heidi: Oh, my god! Am I being sensitive or was that song about Mrs. Claus needing to get railed by elves?

Beck: Of course. The relationship is open. It’s fluid. It’s very Todrick.

Heidi: Hey, who are you today? And who introduced you to this Todrick?

Beck: Mistyandre.

Heidi: Who is that? We know all the same people.

Beck: Maybe you do.

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Wondrous: And now, we would like to introduce to you to the writer of our songs.

Dondra: Latony Garag. Latony, get out here.

[Latony Garag walks in.]

Latony Garag: Merry Christmas to the children.

Wondrous: Latony, is there anything you would like to say before this next song?

[Cut to Latony Garag]

Latony Garag: Yes. This song was written as an homage to my mother. The mother of the house, miss Buffay Styles. It was written at Dondra am when I was skiing with miss Connie. See what I’m saying? The snow that goes up. Understand? The Northeast snow. I’m talking about crook rain!

[Cut to the disappointed audience]

[Cut to Dondra and Wondrous]

Dondra: Thanks Latony for the clarification. Let’s do this.

[music playing]

Wondrous: [singing]

Santa’s tired he’s a grump

Dondra: [singing]

Sork all night he needs a bump

Wondrous: Do that bump off your rump

Dondra and Wondrous: The rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum

the rump pump um pum,

Wondrous: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Dondra: I thought no one told you what it’s like.

Dondra and Wondrous: Wou, wou, wou, wou, wou,

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is dancing now.]

Heidi: I don’t love that that song was about doing cocaine. But I like that this is the first time I’ve ever seen you happy.

Beck: I’m glad you noticed. Merry Christmas, baby.

Heidi: Girl, what did that girl just say girl?

Beck: Yeah, I don’t like that for you.

 

Scarlett Johansson Holiday Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Tweezel… Aidy Bryant

Nick Fury… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[band is playing music]

[Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johannson: Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be back hosting SNL for the sixth time. You know, the sixth time is even more exciting than the fifth because you’re not worried anymore. I mean, if the show is bad, what are they going to do? Fire my fiance? Oh, no, what will we do without his pay check? I’m also so happy to be here because it’s Christmas time. And I don’t know about you but I still believe in the magic of Christmas.

Tweezel: Well, that’s good to hear, Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, my god, it’s Tweezel! My old elf on the shelf.

Speaker 2: That’s right. It’s me and I hear you’ve been a very good girl this year.

Scarlett Johannson: Well, I certainly tried my best. That’s for sure.

Speaker 2: I’m sure Santa would want to—

[Tweezel slowly turns to dust]

Well—what is this?

Scarlett Johannson: Aidy! Your arm!

Speaker 2: Hey, hey—what the hell is happening?

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, no, Thanos. From “The Avengers” movie I was in. Not the last one. The one before that.

[Cut to Alex Moffat, Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd backstage]

Alex Moffat: No, no! [Alex turns to dust]

Chris Redd: Oh, my god. Mikey.

Ego Nwodim: I thought that was Alex.

ChrisReddRedd: It’s the same damn thing.

[Cut to 1]

Scarlett Johannson: My god! Am I gonna have to save everyone? I left my Black Widow costume in my car.

[Beck Bennet walks in]

Beck Bennett: Scarlett, what is this happening?

Scarlett Johannson: I think Thanos may have somehow returned and found the infinity stone.

Beck Bennet: No, I meant this monologue. This doesn’t seem super top call right? This is like the back-up monologue from the last time you hosted or something?

Scarlett Johannson: Okay, hey, Beck, I love you and it’s Christmas, but you just got to get out of here.

[Beck Bennett slowly turns to dust]

Beck Bennett: No. You need me. Who is going to play the dumb idiot?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner back stage]

Heidi Gardner: Cecily, thank god you’re okay. I think Thanos took Pete.

Cecily Strong: No, it’s just one of those weeks when Pete doesn’t show up.

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god! Look at Bowen.

[Cut to Bowen Yang turning to dust]

Bowen Yang: Wow, first Asian cast member. Now you’re dusting me? Twitter’s gonna eat you alive.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johannson: Bowen too? I have to stop this.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Ah! Michael! Oh, thank god you’re safe. But if you’re here, that must mean that Colin is—

[Colin Jost walks in]

Colin Jost: Hey. Don’t worry. I’m safe.

Scarlett Johannson: Hi, hey. What’s up?

Colin Jost: Well, I thought you’d be more, like, relieved to see me.

Scarlett Johannson: No, I am. No, it’s great.

Colin Jost: It just doesn’t feel great.

Michael Che: Well, I’m just going to head out.

[Michael Che leaves]

Scarlett Johannson: I’m sorry. It’s just, like, I’m focused on Thanos right now.

Colin Jost: Yes! Totally. I got to update stuffs anyway. It’s like saving the world too. Just on a smaller level.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Nick Fury: Natasha! If you gonna stop Thanos, you gonna need my help.

Scarlett Johannson: Sam Jackson, I mean, wait, what’s your name in the movie again?

Colin Jost: Nick Fury from S.H.I.E.L.D. Did you now watch the movies? [Scarlett Johansson is staring at Colin Jost] I’m just going to get out of here.

Scarlett Johannson: Why is Thanos doing this?

Nick Fury: It’s not Thanos this time. Somebody else has got Thanos’s glove.

[Cut to Pete Davidson playing with Thanos’s gauntlet on.

Pete Davidson: Yo, man! This is insane. I have to stop getting high and buying things on ebay. Half the people disappears. Sick, right?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Pete Davidson]

Kyle Mooney: So sick! And hey, thanks for getting rid of Beck for me.

Pete Davidson: Oh, no problem dude.

[Scarlett Johansson and Nick Fury walk in]

Scarlett Johannson: Pete, you have to stop this at once. Where did they all disappear to?

Pete Davidson: Peacock. It’s NBC’s new streaming service.[Cut to Peacock video bumper.] Peacock. Comedy starts here.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Scarlett Johansson and Pete Davidson]

Scarlett Johannson: Can you please bring him back? Please Pete? Just for Christmas?

Nick Fury: Please, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay, fine. I’ll bring them back.

Scarlett Johannson: No, Pete, you gotta snap it.

Pete Davidson: Oh. Okay. I didn’t see the movie.

Scarlett Johannson: Okay. Merry Christmas, Pete!

Pete Davidson: Oh, thank you. You too.

Nick Fury: So, Pete, taking a few shows off, are you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. You know, when you’ve been here as long as I have, you can do that.

Nick Fury: Really? Well, that’s good to know.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and all the SNL cast members on the stage]
Scarlett Johannson: Well, it’s great to have you all back. I just want to say, this place means so much to me. I have so many friends here, and I met the love of my life here. Merry Christmas. We get a great show. Niall Horan is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Hallmark Dating Show

Emily Cringle… Aidy Bryant

Lauren… Scarlett Johansson

Brian… Beck Bennett

Prince Simon… Alex Moffat

Nick St. Claus… Kyle Mooney

Prince’s friend… Chris Redd

Dad… Mikey Day

[Starts with Hallmark Channel intro]

Narrator: This is the Hallmark Channel. We make thousands of Christmas movies and gifts for teachers. Next up, it’s our all new “Holiday Matchmaking Show.”

[Cut to the show set]

[cheers and applause]

Emily Cringle: Hello, I am Emily Cringle and this is Hallmark’s Winter Boyfriend for Holiday Christmas. The only dating show from the makers of Hallmark Holiday movies. Let’s meet our bachelorette. She’s a New York six and a buffalo ten. It’s Lauren.

[Cut to Lauren]
Lauren: What’s that, boss? More work? On it. Hi, I have to write a bit article for the paper about how Santa isn’t real. The last thing I’m looking for is a guy.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Oh, we’ll see about that. Okay. Let’s meet our Hallmark holiday hunks.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Hi, I’m Brian from your home town. I work at a Christmas tree farm that might get bought out by googisoft computers unless we can come up with the money by Christmas.

[Cut to Prince Simon]
Prince Simon: Hello. I’m prince Simon of Caucasia. I’ve negotiated a peace treaty with our neighbors in Asstopia. The only problem is, I can’t sign it unless I’m married by Christmas.

[Cut to Nick St. Claus]

Nick St. Claus: Ho, ho, ho, Lo! I’m Nick St. Claus and I work one day a year. My co-workers are, how do I say this, a little short. I’m not Santa.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Wow, those are hunks. Lauren, whoever you pick will join you in the Hallmark gazebo suite where you’ll share a single dry kiss. So, who gets the first question?

Lauren: I’ll start with royalty. Prince Simon, I live in stock footage of New York city that still has the twin towers in it. But Caucasia sounds incredible. What is it like?

[Cut to Prince Simon]

Prince Simon: Well, there’s snowy mountains and we all have British accents, so you know, vague Europe.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Wow. That’s dreamy. Let’s to go Nick. My ex fiancé answered work emails on Christmas which made him the villain. Please, tell me you take Christmas off.

[Cut to Nick St. Claus]

Nick St. Claus: Yeah, that’s going to be a problem because I work in the gift industry. So, it happens to be my busiest time of the year. Ou!

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Okay. That’s Santa. Now, Brian, you’re always saying meaningful phrases and you’re afraid of fire. Be real with me. Are you a ghost?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: That’s right. I’m a hot ghost. And yes, my thing is invisible.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Well, that’s too bad.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Well, Lauren, any front-runners?

Lauren: Well, I’m leaning toward the prince but I want to get to know him better.

Emily Cringle: Well, then why don’t we bring in Simon’s friend, the one black person in town.

[Cut to everybody. Prince’s friend walks in.]

Speaker 6: Yo, yo, girl. I’m gonna break it down for you like this. The prince, he’s in love with you. Go get your man.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Thanks. What do you do over the holidays?

[Cut to Speaker 6]

Speaker 6: I clap when he kiss.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Well, what’s your name?

[Cut to Speaker 6]

Speaker 6: I-I-I- I don’t know. Christmas? Leave me alone. I don’t have a back story.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

[the bell rings]

Emily Cringle: Oh, and that chime means it’s almost Christmas. If you haven’t chosen someone to marry by then, Christmas is canceled. And the killer goes free. So, it all comes down to this final question.

Lauren: Bachelors, what is this? [Lauren shows a 9 step candle stand]

[Cut to the bachelors]

Nick St. Claus: Christmas fork?

Prince Simon: Santa’s trident?

Brian: A dreidel?

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Judges? Yep, we’ll allow it.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: yeah! I won! I won.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I just don’t know. To give up my job and my very gay friend in the city for things that are actually good like Christmas? And men? If only my dad were here. He always knows what to do.

[Dad walks in]

Dad: Hi, pumpkin.

Lauren: Daddy, you made it.

Dad: Christmas just have never been the same since your mother exploded.

Lauren: Oh, daddy, who do I choose?

Dad: Well, sweetheart, listen to the snow globe.

Lauren: It says choose Christmas? That’s it. I’ll marry Christmas.

Dad: Yes!

[Cut to Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: That’s right. The true reason for Christmas is husband. So, this has been A Winter Boyfriend For Holiday Christmas. I’m Emily Kringle from Hallmark reminding you, stay straight out there.

Another Translator

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with three scientists in their lab]

Kyle: On behalf of Inotech research, we’d like to welcome you back to the testing lab.

Mikey: We know our last presentation of X5 mind reading device was not exactly successful.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: No, it was not. It was bad.

Cecily: Very bad.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Yes, we are aware. Rest assured that all the glitches have been fixed. At last we’ll be able to accurately read the thoughts of common household pets.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: Heard that before.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Now, today’s test subject is my own dog, Max.

[Cut to a pug with a device hat on his head]

So, with your permission let’s begin.

[Cut to everybody]

[The scientists are working on their devices]

Mikey: We have mind link.

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Max, can you hear me?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Woof, woof! Just kidding! It’s me, Max.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: How are you feeling?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Great.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Why is that Max?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Because Trump is getting impeached.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh! That’s better.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Too bad it means he’s going to get reelected for sure. Good job, dummies!

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: What?

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Max, no. Where did you hear that?

[Cut to Max]

Max: On fox news. Your parents let me watch when they baby sit me.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Oh, my god. That’s not true. There’s a mountain of evidence against trump.

[Cut to Max]

Max: And name one conservative whose mind has been changed by any of it. Oh, right. You don’t know any.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: I know conservatives. My cousin Tina.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Oh, right. Tina, that you blocked on all social media accounts. You’re real close.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: All right, what is going on with that dog?

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Nothing. He’s fine. Max, people have no reason to think that Trump is a good president.

[Cut to Max]

Max: [coughs] The economy. [coughs] Unemployment. [coughs] Stockmarket. Sorry, my Kennel cough is coming up.

[Cut to the scientists]

Mikey: Yikes! Burn!

Scarlett: Max, Trump is a crook.

[Cut to Max]

Max: No Doubt. But he’s playing a game the democrats don’t even know the rules to. And I hate to quote Charlie Sheen here but he’s winning.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Max, you’re just a dog. You don’t even know what we are talking about. You eat your own poop.

[Cut to Max]

Max: And you ate pizza crust out of the garbage last night. She thought she was being good by throwing it away and ten minutes later she’s digging for it.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: We have no choice but to impeach. He’ll try to steal the next election.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Like you stole my testicles? I’m still mad about that. Here’s an actual experiment. Everyone say out loud the democratic hopeful they’re most excited about.

[The people are not sure of any candidate]

[Cut to Max]

Max: Yeah. Terrific. Can’t wait for November.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Max. That’s enough. You’re just pretending you still like Trump because you’re too embarrassed to admit how awful he is.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Oh, is Rachel Maddow in the room? Please, lecture me some more. It’s working.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: Hey, Maddow is America’s sweetheart, you dumb pug.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Don’t you worry that history will look back on this moment and we’ll be embarrassed?

[Cut to Max]

Max: If you want to talk embarrassing history, let’s look at your web browser.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Both: Oh!

[Cut to Scarlett with Max]

Scarlett: Max, you’re my best friend. I had no idea you felt like this.

Max: Well, you tend to do all the talking in the relationship.

Scarlett: No more Fox news. But I hear what you’re saying. Shake and  make up?

Max: Sure.

Scarlett: Well, that concludes our presentation. What did you think?

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: Hated it.

Alex: Funding revoked.

[Cut to Scarlett with Max]

Scarlett: No, please, wait, let’s try other test sub. Fire up the machine.

[Cut to a piglet]

Piglet: Tulsi Gabbard, 2020!

Scarlett: Dammit!

A Conway Marriage Story

Therapist… Scarlett Johansson

George Conway… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

News host… Alex Moffat

[Starts with a therapist talking to a couple]
Therapist: Alright, so I’m familiar with some of the differences of opinion that you’ve had publicly. I want to know what you love about each other. So, why don’t you two read your list. George, would you like to start?

[Cut to the couple]

George Conway: Okay.

Kellyanne Conway: Go ahead, babe.

George Conway: What I love about Kellyanne. [Cut to the couple laughing in a restaurant] She works so hard for her boss even though I hate his guts.

[Cut to Kellyanne reporting news]

Kellyanne Conway: I actually have been to the porter and the democrats are actually lying. The children are not drinking from toilets. [Cut to the news host in his news set] Because they actually did not—

News host: Kellyanne, we are out of time.

[Cut to Kellyanne]

Kellyanne Conway: They can use the corner.

News host: Let’s cut her mic? I don’t know.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you.

[Cut to George reading newspaper]

What I love about George, he always leaves his coffee mugs around. [His coffee mugs are all anti-Trump] He actually always tells me what he thinks about me to my face.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne having dinner]

George? [George is using his phone] George. Are you mad at me?

George Conway: Oh, no, no, no.

[Kellyanne’s phone beeps. Kellyanne checks, George has tweeted ‘Anyone who works for Trump is a demon.’]

Kellyanne Conway: George? Am I demon?

George Conway: Oh, from what? I can’t tell. I don’t even—I can’t see in here. It’s kind of dark and loud. I think I’m going through a tunnel.

Kellyanne Conway: George Conway. Do not subtweet me at the dinner table, please.

[Cut to Kellyanne treaming George’s hair.]

George Conway: We find ways to spend time together.

Kellyanne Conway: I love our little pet names.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne crossing paths in the hallway]

Kellyanne Conway: Hey loser!

George Conway: Hey wall!

We find ways to keep in touch during the workday.

[George is tweeting ‘Trump is a psychopath’]

[Cut to Kellyanne replying that tweet with ‘Hi Hon. We’re out of milk.’]

Kellyanne Conway: I love how my boss called him a stone-cold loser [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet saying ‘George Conway…a stone cold LOSER & husband from hell!’] and husband from hell. I’m sorry, that’s something that George—

George Conway: I love when she does poems on TV.

[Cut to George reading]

Kellyanne Conway: I love that he loves to read the DSM to find out whats wrong my boss.

George Conway: Narcissist, there it is.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne taking selfie in the street[

I love that when Ann Coulter set us up, she thought, “These two are perfect for each other.”

Kellyanne Conway: I love that we agree on the big stuff like small government and no food for the poor.

[George and Kellyanne sees a homeless man]

Both: Get a job.

George Conway: And I know I’m not supposed to but I even love our fights.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne fighting]

George Conway: I feel bad for you.

Kellyanne Conway: You are the one who introduced us, George.

George Conway: I didn’t know he’d be president.

Kellyanne Conway: You’re not even verified on twitter. Where is your blue check, George?

George Conway: Ah!

Kellyanne Conway: Jesus!

News: Jerrold Nadler has just announced articles of impeachment.

[George and Kellyanne are clearing the table to make out]

[Cut to George, Kellyanne and the therapist]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, so do you have what you need for your piece?

Therapist: Piece? Oh, I’m not a reporter. I’m a therapist.

George Conway: Oh, this isn’t for a book?

Therapist: Oh, no. What you say doesn’t leave this room?

Kellyanne Conway: Then why are we doing this? We’re going to go. We have to fight on “The View”.

George Conway: Hon, I got to be done by five for dinner with a Kathy Griffin.

Kellyanne Conway: Don’t get me all hot. Save it for the show!

[Ends]

Hip-Hop Carolers

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Sandra… Heidi Gardner

Jennifer Lopez

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

DaBaby

[Starts with three people in a Christmas decorated house]

Kyle: Yay, that gingerbread house looks amazing.

Alex:  Uh-huh, our best one yet, pal.

Heidi: All right, who’s ready for dinner?

[door knocking]

Alex: Huh, are we expecting someone?

Heidi: Ah! You know what? It is probably those adorable kids who come around singing Christmas carols every year.

[door knocking]

Alex: Wow! Anxious little guys.

[Alex opens the door]

Jennifer: Merry Christmas.

Chris: May we enter?

Alex: Wait, what?

[four unknown people enter the house]

Alex: Um, Sandra, [cut to everybody] are these the Carolers you were referring to?

Heidi: Obviously not.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Kyle: Are you guys going to rob us?

[Cut to the Christmas carolers]
Jennifer: No. We’re not robbers. We’re carolers.

Speaker 6: Hip hop carolers. Specially late 90s, early 2000s.

Chris: Yeah! Groups like Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, The Fugees, and City High.

Pete: Plus Christmas.

Chris: Now, I’m reading the room right now and I got the feeling some people don’t know who in the hell City High is.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Jennifer: But they ‘bout to know. [cut to the carolers] Hit it.

[music playing]

Speaker 6: Now, this song is about one very special Christmas boy.

[The carolers are singing about Home Alone movie]

Chris: What do you think about that?

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Alex: Am, I think you set up the song like it was going to be Jesus, but that was was about Kevin McAllister in Home Alone.

[Cut to the carolers]

Speaker 6: Right! My man gets it!

Pete: Donations! Donations! [Pete walks forward]

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Heidi: Just give them some money so they go away.

Alex: Sure, sure. Guys, that was dynamite. [Cut to everybody] Here’s 20 bucks. Okay?

Jennifer: We don’t do it for the money. [Cut to the carolers] We’ll take it though.

Chris: And to thank you, we’re going to give you another Christmas carol. Hit it!

[music playing]

[The carolers are singing about Home Alone movie]

[music stops]

Pete: Donations! Donations!

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Alex: Nah! I think you’re all set. Great job. Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the carolers]

Pete: Hey, don’t worry. We’re leaving.

Jennifer: After one more Christmas carol.

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi]

Kyle: None of these are Christmas carols.

[cut to carolers]

[music playing]

[The carolers are singing randomly]

[Cut to Kyle, Alex and Heidi confused]

Heidi: Okay, no! Okay! [music stops] No! We’re not going to do this, alright? You guys did not even rehearse this one.

Alex: Hmm. Yeah, guys. Time to go.

[cut to carolers]

Jennifer: Most definitely.

Chris: Yo! DaBaby, you ready?

[Cut to everybody]

[DaBaby walks from the inside of the house with a black baggage]

DaBaby: Yeah, what’s up? I’m ready.

Alex: Sorry, who the hell is this?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: This is my boy, DaBaby. He’s been robbin yáll while we been caroling.

Kyle: You said you weren’t robbers.

Chris: We didn’t He did, for us!

[Cut to DaBaby]

DaBaby: Yeah, I’m like Robinhood. I rob the rich, and take it back to the hood.

Chris: Merry Christmas, y’all!

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Merry Christmas!

[the carolers leave]

Speaker 6: Hey, can I use yáll bathroom real quick?

Heidi: No. But it’s Christmas!

Hoops

Gino’s girlfriend… Jennifer Lopez

Cousin… Melissa Villaseñor

Uncle Johnny… Alex Moffat

[Starts with a girl wearing a bangle sized earring]

Gino’s girlfriend: Glittering. Sparkly. Circles. Those are how you make a hoop.

[Cut to Gino’s girlfriend and her cousin in Hoops store]

Hi. I’m Geno’s girlfriend.

Cousin: And I’m her cousin.

Gino’s girlfriend: Do you need an earring that says, “I fight other women?”

Cousin: Do you want to wear a bracelet but on your sides of your head?

Gino’s girlfriend: Then you need hoops from our store called HOOPS.

Cousin: Located next to the bagel store that caught on fire.

Gino’s girlfriend: Our HOOPS are the highest quality things you’re ever going to see.

Cousin: Made from 100% metal.

Gino’s girlfriend: So luxurious, they’ll turn your ears the color of money.

Cousin: We’ve got hoops for every occasion.

Gino’s girlfriend: Birthday dinner.

Cousin: Anniversary trip.

Gino’s girlfriend: Ex-boyfriend’s wedding.

Cousin: Woman on the street interview about subway problems.

Gino’s girlfriend: Confronting Barbara.

Cousin: Accusing Barbara.

Gino’s girlfriend: Calling back to Barbara.

Cousin: And of course, Saturday mass. Show off your personality with a customized hoop.

Gino’s girlfriend: You can put any word on a hoop. Your name.

Cousin: Not your name.

Gino’s girlfriend: XOXO.

Cousin: Daddy’s little girl.

Gino’s girlfriend: Daddy’s big bitch.

Cousin: Diabetic.

Gino’s girlfriend: Or your favorite designer like Versushi.

Cousin: Couch.

Gino’s girlfriend: DKNYPD,

Cousin: And Vallengina.

[Uncle Johnny walks in]
Uncle Johnny: Hey, hey, hey. Hello, my beautiful girls.

Gino’s girlfriend: Hi.

[Uncle Johnny gives kiss to both Gino’s girlfriend and Cousin]

Gino’s girlfriend:  This is our uncle Johnny.

Cousin: He brings us the hoops from – where do they come from again?

Uncle Johnny: Don’t worry about it. Hey, you know what? There’s more where that came from. God, I wish your daddy was dead so could I walk you both down the aisle to me.

Cousin: Thanks, uncle Johnny.

Gino’s girlfriend: Thanks, uncle Johnny.

[Uncle Johnny leaves]

Are they made of real gold? Sure. Why not?

Cousin: Do you still feel like “I can’t wear hoops?”

Gino’s girlfriend: Don’t be stupid. Hoop earrings go with everything. Fur coat.

Cousin: PJs.

Gino’s girlfriend: Wedding dress.

Cousin: Communion dress.

Gino’s girlfriend: Tiger stripes.

Cousin: Zebra skins.

Gino’s girlfriend: And bubble bath.

Cousin: Do you under dress for an exclusive event like a christening?

Gino’s girlfriend: Yeah. Do you look like garbage a little bit and wish you didn’t?

Cousin: Go, get some hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: Put on hoops and people will think, “She looks nice.” Like a rapper’s accountant.

Cousin: Thanks, hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: Let your ear lobes get married to your shoulder.

Cousin: Give your ear a promise ring, and that promise is, “This is gonna get ripped off by a baby.”

Gino’s girlfriend: Oh! Very important! Don’t hold a baby with these. Babies love hoops and they are very grabbing people.

Cousin: Speaking of babies–

Gino’s girlfriend: When you look at your baby daughter, do you think, “How could I respect you?”

Cousin: Does your baby look weak?

Gino’s girlfriend: You already know.

Both: Give her hoops.

Cousin: What’s your baby going to take out before a fight? Hoops.

Gino’s girlfriend: So come on down to the hoops. You know what they say.

Both: The bigger the hoops, it hurts more.

Announcer: Located, you know what, right around where Dino works. I think.

Them Trumps Rally

Alex Moffat

Darius Trump… Kenan Thompson

Darius Junior… Chris Redd

L’evanka… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a man walking in]

Alex: Welcome to Pennsylvania, Mr. President. Thousands of your supporters have shown up. But the impeachment has the country on edge. So, you may have to be careful about what you say today.

[Cut to the Trumps]

Darius Trump: Careful? Please! They’ll be even more hyped because they all know Darius Trump.

[Cut to the show intro]

Narrator: From the producers of “Empire”, the first show to ask the question, “What if Donald Trump was black?” Darius Trump. Darius Jr. and Lavanka. Together, they are “Them Trumps.”

[Cut to Alex and the Trumps walking through the hallway]

Alex: The house of intelligence committee’s report has some serious accusations in it. The media says the tide is turning against you.

Darius Trump: The media won’t make or break me. My people will always support me.

[Cut to Darius Junior]

Darius Junior: The media is all lies. That’s in my new book. [Darius Junior shows his book]

[Cut to L’evanka]

L’evanka: Come on, daddy. Don’t worry about the media. Your supporters didn’t even care when you wanted to have the G-7 summit at your presidential nightclub.

[Cut to everybody]

Darius Trump: I still think club DTF would have been the perfect spot. I mean, the ladies get in free. You can’t beat that, man.

Alex: Well, it is amazing how well they’ve been. These people don’t have a history of supporting a black candidate.

Darius Trump: Well, that’s because when they see me, they don’t see color, baby. I’m Darius Trump. I keep it real, man. They know me. I’m the one who’s making America swag again.

[Cut to the crowd hooting for Darius Trump]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.

[Cut to Darius Trump walking to the Podium.]

Darius Trump: Thank you, thank you. People, emancipation is under attack. They say assaulted the Ukraine. They say I abused my office. And you know what? Maybe I did. Because I will do whatever it takes to win this election. I will pat somebody on the head right on fifth avenue with my own gun if I have to. And I know you will always have my back even though I’m black.

[Crowd starts booing]

Okay, let’s warm up the cops.

[the show ends]

Narrator: On the next “Them Trumps.”

Alex: I don’t think we can make it out without any trouble.

Darius Trump: My man, please, I’m the president. I’m the most protected man in the world.

[Darius Trump walks out the door. People are trashing his car.]

Alex: Call an Uber?

Darius Trump: Yes!

Ventriloquist

Announcer… Alex Moffat

Wally Culpepper… Will Farrell

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with an announcer at the stage of Hi-Hat lounge]

[applause]

Announcer: All right folks, we’re just getting warmed up tonight at the Hi-hat lounge . Please welcome to the stage Wally Culpepper and his little pal Chippy.

[Announcer leaves the stage. Wally Culpepper comes to the stage with his puppet.]

[applause]

Wally: Hey! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am indeed Wally Culpepper and this little stick of firewood is Chippy. Chippy, would you like to say “Hi” to all the lovely ladies and gentlemen tonight?[Chippy is the puppet]

Chippy: I sure would. When are they showing up?

Wally: Boy, Chippy, sounds like you might have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Chippy: I thought so, too. But your wife didn’t mind.

[Cut to audience laughing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Now, Chippy. That’s not very polite.

Chippy: You try being polite when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt.

[Cut to audience laughing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Chippy. This is a family show. Try to keep it G-rated.

Chippy: You try keeping it G-rated when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butty.

[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Okay. Okay. We get the point. So do you have any plans for the weekend, Chippy?

Chippy: You try having plans this weekend when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt. I’m not trying to be funny. This man’s entire hand is up my butt.

[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]

Kenan: Hey, man. Cut it out.

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: You see, Chippy, the audience doesn’t appreciate your high jinx.

Chippy: Don’t listen to him! You are witnessing a crime. And you are all complicit. Help! Help! This grown man has his entire hand up my butt!

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Hey, get your hand out the little man’s butt!

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: I’m sorry?

[Cut to the audience]

Cecily: He said get your hand out of his butt. He’s clearly not into this. Boo!

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Ladies and gentlemen, please. It’s a puppet. It’s just part of the act. I set up a joke and have the puppet deliver a sassy comeback, okay? Watch. Hey, Chippy, tell them what you did last night.

Chippy: I spent hours hemorrahaging on the toilet, you monster. My insides are pulp.

[Cut to the audience]

Cecily: Was that the punch line? Honey, do something.

Kenan: You take your hand out of the puppet’s butt. You are killing him.

Chippy: Just let me go!

[audience booing]

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: All right, all right! Everybody cool it. I’ll take my hand out. All right? And I’ll show you how ridiculous you’re all acting. [Wally puts the puppet on the stool.] See? It’s just a puppet, okay? Now, can I go on with the show now please, sir?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Chippy, you good man? [The puppet doesn’t speak] All right. I guess.

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: All right. Thank you. Now, let’s have some fun. [Wally takes a jar of lubricant and puts it all over his hand. Then he puts his hand inside the puppet.]

Chippy: Ah! Ah! Ah! That never gets easier.

Wally: Not with you as a partner, it doesn’t. Hit it, Leon.

[music playing]

You say potato and I say potahto.

Chippy: My name is Lewis Maldanado. Someone please call my wife.

Cinema Classics: The Wizard of Oz

Reese DeWhat… Kenan Thompson

Aunt Emma… Aidy Bryant

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Hunk… Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Dr. Pickens… Will Farrell

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Announcer: You’re watching “Cinema Classics” on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to “Cinema Classics.” I’m your host Reese De’What. Tonight we take a closer look at the beloved 1939 film, “The wizard of OZ.” And recently discovered never before seen alternative ending. Why did they film this ending? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she learned in her exercise class, and I said, “acceptance?” Worst couple’s balloon ride ever. Let’s take a look now at the alternate ending in which Dorothy wakes up to find out that her adventures in OZ were all a dream.

[Cut to the movie. The house is falling down.]

[Cut to Dorothy dreaming]

Aunt Emma: Wake up, Dorothy.

Dorothy: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

Aunt Emma: Dorothy, Dear, It’s aunt Emma, darling.

Dorothy: Auntie Em, it’s you.

Aunt Emma: You’ve got quite the bump on the head. We thought we might lose you for a moment.

Dorothy: Oh, but I did go. I left. And I tried to get back for days and days.

Aunt Emma: Well, there, there. You just had a bad dream.

[Hunk and two other men walk in]

Hunk: Remember me, your old pal Hunk?

Mikey: What about me?

Beck: You couldn’t forget my face, could you?

Dorothy: No, but it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you were there and you were there. And you and you were a lion and a tin man, and a scarecrow.

[A dwarf walks in. He is Dr. Pickens.]

Dr. Pickens: And what about me? Was I there? Was I in your dream?

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Dr. Pickens.

Aunt Emma: Yes, doctor. Thanks for coming to check on Dorothy.

Dr. Pickens: She seems fine. So, was I in your dream?

Dorothy: I’m trying to remember.

[Other dwarfs walk in]

Kyle: And what about us?

Bowen: Yeah!

Chris: Yeah!

Maya: Were we in the dream?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Well, I mean, everyone was in the—Hey, where’s breakfast?

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What was in the dream? Was I a doctor there, too?

Dorothy: Does it really matter what everybody was?

Chris: What about me? Was I also a teacher?

Kyle: And was I a lawyer?

Dr. Pickens: Tell me what I was.

Dorothy: Okay, well, um, actually, you were a mayor.

Dr. Pickens: Really? A mayor? Of where? New York, Chicago?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: I’d love to move off the dream stuff, but if you’re insisting it was— Munchkinland.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: Munchkinland?

Bowen: What were we, funny little weirdos?

Dr. Pickens: To make you laugh?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, no. Not at all.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What were we wearing?

Dorothy: What?

Dr. Pickens: [Yelling] What were we wearing?

Dorothy: Well— [Dorothy looks at her dolls]

[Cut to the baby dolls]

Kyle: Oh, my god. [Cut to the dwarfs] When you close your eyes that’s how you see us? As your little nightmare baby dolls?

[Cut to Dorothy]
Dorothy: No, no! You were all heroes in your own small ways.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: I wish the tornado had killed you.

Aunt Emma: Doctor!

Dr. Pickens: Sorry, but I’m mad as hell.

Kyle: Me, too.

Bowen: So mad! [They all start dancing] Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: This is the exact dance you did in the dream.

Aunt Emma: That’s pretty adorable.

Chris: So, we just dance for your amusement?

Dr. Pickens: Like fools?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, no, you danced on the grave of the lady I killed. [Cut to everybody] That was your job as part of lollipop. Guild.

Maya: So, we owned a lollipop factory?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, you just kind of held them, kissed them and rode them. Around like little horses.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Kyle: Oh, my god. So these lollipops–

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Were bigger than your head? Yes. It’s more dignified than it sounds. The munchkins, you see, were a noble race.

[Cut to Kyle and Bowen]

Bowen: Race?

Dorothy: I can’t help what I dreamed. [Cut to Dorothy] There were all sorts of creatures there.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Creatures?

Dorothy: Yeah, like flying monkeys.

Kyle: So we’re on the same level as an airborne chimp.

Dorothy: I’m so sorry. I know this all sounds strange, but you were a very important part of the adventure.

Maya: So, we were with you the whole way?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, I kind of peaced out to the woods with my dog and I think maybe saw that one of you had hanged yourself?

[Cut to Dr. Pickens]

Dr. Pickens: And what did you do about it?

[Cut to Dorotny]

Dorothy: Um, goodnight.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Let’s get our of here. Your house is a dump, by the way.

[Cut to Dorothy pretending to sleep]

[Cheers and applause]