Tag: Beck Bennett

Election Night

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Dave Chapelle

Larry… Chris Rock

[Starts with a group of people watching the Election Night on TV]

Announcer: This is election night in America. [marking Tuesday AT 6 PM]

Vanessa: I can’t believe after all this, it’s gonna finally be over.

Beck: I don’t know. We’ll see. Trump’s already got lawyers to fight the results.

Aidy: Okay, don’t even joke about that. Or I will leave. [giggling]

Cecily: Guys, we’re about to have our first woman president. Like, this is gonna be a historic night.

Dave: Yeah. Yeah, it might be a historic night but just don’t forget it’s a big country.

[Time marking 6:thirty PM]

Cecily: My friend at the Huffington Post said she wins by five points.

Vanessa: Oh, I don’t know, my friend at Slate says she’ll win by three.

Aidy: Oh, well, she’ll definitely win the electoral college, fur sure, but I guess there is like a nightmare scenario where he wins the popular vote.

[Dave looks nervous by that news]

Dave: Really? That’s the nightmare scenario, huh?

Beck: Because of shifting demographics, there might never be another republican president in this country.

Dave: Word? You’ve ever been around this country before?

[Time marking 7 PM]

Male voice: We project Kentucky will go to Donald Trump.

Beck: Yeah, well, of course he won Kentucky. I mean, that’s where all the racists are.

[Dave is looking at Beck]

Dave: All of them are in Kentucky?

Vanessa: You know, she got Vermont.

Dave: [screaming] Oh, shit! Vermont? Three electoral votes? Now that’s power grab.

[time marking 7:thirty PM]

Cecily: Okay, this says, “Florida is too close to call.”

Aidy: Okay, no, no, it says, “Too early to call.” There’s only % in.

Beck: You know what? I’m gonna go ahead and call it. Florida is going blue. To Latinos!

All (except Dave): To Latinos.

[Dave looks confused]

[Time marking 8 PM]

Beck: Well, of course he’s gonna win Ohio. We knew that. But if we can get Pennsylvania, Florida and North Carolina, we don’t even need Ohio.

Dave: Then, if the Indians scored four more runs, they would have won the world series too, dude.

Vanessa: I’m gonna grab a xanax from the bedroom.

Aidy: Okay, grab me 6.

Vanessa: Yeah, I’m just gonna bring the whole bottle. How’s that?

[Time marking 8:thirty PM]

Beck: Look, early returns are always going to be republican because republicans go to sleep early. It’s just a fact.

Vanessa: I just talked to my brother in law at CBS, he says Trump’s gonna win Florida.

Dave: Word, um, I guess the Latinos didn’t hear about your toast.

[Time marking 10 PM]

[Larry walks in]

Larry: Hey, guys. What did I miss?

Aidy: Larry, Trump might actually win.

Larry: I mean, of course. What re you talking about?

Dave: I tried to tell them there.

Cecily: What is happening? Why are women even voting for him?

Larry: Yeah, I don’t get you ladies. I mean, the country is 55% women. I mean, if the country was 55% black, we’d have tons of black presidents. Flavor Flav would be a president.

[Time marking 11 PM]

Vanessa: Okay, um, all she has to do is come back and win Wisconsin, come back and win Michigan, come back and win Pennsylvania.

Cecily: Some of the counties– The urban counties– they’re so– Black people vote late.

Larry: Yeah, let’s hope there’s 100,000 of us in Green Bay. Those brothers love the packers.

[Time marking 12 AM]

Beck: You never know, guys. Alaska is still out there.

Male voice: We’re now calling Alaska for Donald Trump.

Cecily: Oh my god! I think America is racist.

Dave: Oh… my… god! [acting surprised] You know, I remember my great grandfather told me something like that. But you know, he was like a slave, or something.

Aidy: I just– I can’t believe it. Like, why aren’t people turning out for Hillary the way they did for Barack Obama?

Larry: I mean, maybe because you’re replacing a charismatic 40 year old black guy with a 70 year old white woman. I mean, that’s like the Knicks replacing Patrick Ewing with Niel Patrick Harris.

[Time marking 2 AM]

Male voice: And Donald Trump has been elected president of the United States.

Dave: Hey, you guys were right. It’s a historic night. Don’t worry about, 8 years are gonna fly by.

Larry: Yeah, don’t worry. It’s gonna be all white.

[Dave laughing]

Aidy: What about undocumented immigrants?

Dave: Oh, they’re not going nowhere. Come on! You act like everybody trying to pick their own strawberries.

Cecily: This is crazy. I mean, do you even know what it’s like to be a woman in this country where you can’t get ahead no matter what you do.

Dave: Oh, geez. I don’t know. I’ll put my thinking cap on for that one and get back to you.

Larry: Ha-ha. Now, come on, guys. Get some rest. You got a lot of big day. You got a big day of moping and writing on Facebook tomorrow.

Beck: God! This is the most shameful thing America has ever done.

[Dave and Larry look at each other and laugh out loud]

Why Is Benedict Cumberbatch Hot?

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Benedict Cumburbatch

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At five it’s ‘Gimme Gimme Da Money Please Please I Want Da Money Please’. But first, it’s time for America’s newest game show.

[Cut to Beck Bennett walking in the stage]

Beck Bennett: Hello everyone. I’m your host Beck Bennett. And welcome to my brand new game show where I try to get to the bottom of something that’s been throwing me for a loop all week. Let’s meet today’s contestants.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: Um, hi. I am Vanessa Bayer and I’m here because you asked me to be.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Ah! That’s right. Contestant number two.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Hi. I’m Aidy Bryant and Beck, what is this exactly?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: You’ll see. Contestant number three.

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: Hello. I’m Benedict Cumberbatch and I don’t remember this sketch at dress rehearsal.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Great. Thank you all for being here. And now it’s time to play ‘Why is Benedict Cumberbatch Hot?’

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: Oh, Beck!

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Yeah, yeah. That’s right. Every girl in the cast has been so horny for this dude all week. So, as a guy I’m just kind of trying to figure that out. Alright, let’s get 30 seconds on the clock. Vanessa, tell me, why is Benedict Cumberbatch hot?

[Cut to the contestants]

Vanessa Bayer: Like, right now? In front of him?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Yes, please.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: Okay. Well, it’s not like, his face per say. I mean it is. But it’s like– okay. It’s more like, um, the way his body and how he like– well– not his body body but like, this thing, when I see him, I just wanna like [screaming] “Uh!” and this just goes crazy.

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Time’s up. And that was not answered, Vanessa.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: You didn’t let me finish. And I was a very close–

Benedict Cumburbatch: [interrupting] Vanessa, no!

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Okay. Aidy, you’re up. Explain to me, why is Benedict Cumberbatch hot?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, does my answer have to be in English?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Why?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Because my feelings would be best described using a series of noises. Sort of like, ‘heh-heh-heh-, arrrrr, aoooh, god!’

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Are we looking at the same dude? What the frick! Okay, Benedict, you’re up. 30 seconds on the clock. Tell me, why is Benedict Cumberbatch hot?

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: What? Well, I mean, honestly I don’t know either. I mean, you know, some people say that I look a bit like hammer head shark.

Beck Bennett: Ha-ha. Yeah, yeah.

Benedict Cumburbatch: You know, a lizard man.

Beck Bennett: Also great.

Benedict Cumburbatch: And I sort of think I look a little bit like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age.

Beck Bennett: [laughing] Totally, you do.

Benedict Cumburbatch: But I guess it doesn’t really matter because Glamour magazine named me one of the sexiest man alive. So…

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Alive? On the planet? What the… Oh! Oh! You know what? Wait. I think I figured it out. I just need to ask you a follow up question and I need to whisper it.

[Beck Bennett walks to Benedict Cumburbatch and whispers in his ears]

Benedict Cumburbatch: No, I guess average sized.

[whispers in his ears again]

Yeah, the balls too.

Beck Bennett: Dammit!

[buzzer sound]

Hmm, okay. It’s time for round two. I’m gonna put a photos of Benedict next to someone we would say a more classically handsome American man. And you tell me who is hotter. Vanessa, is Benedict the hot one?

[The game screen shows a photo of Benedict Cumberbatch laughing hard.]

Or… is it the smothering mystery man with the juicy, juicy pink lips?

[A picture of Beck Bennett himself slides in the screen]

Those lips look pretty juicy.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: Um, it’s Benedict.

Beck Bennett: Okay, take your time.

Vanessa Bayer: I don’t want to. It’s Benedict.

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Dammit Vanessa. Okay, Aidy, your turn. Who is hotter? Benedict, or this guy?

[The game screen shows Benedict Cumberbatch’s funny looking photo and Beck Bennett’s photo of showing his muscles.]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, well, one guy is making kind of like a weird face. So, I’m gonna go with Benedict.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: What? But the other guy is the V. Look, he has got it.

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: No, listen, Beck. I know it’s not my turn but I would say out of those two photographs, you have the hotter one.

Beck Bennett: What?

Benedict Cumburbatch: Yeah. It’s goofy in mine and you’re in shape and you look very handsome in your’s. You know?

Beck Bennett: I do?

Benedict Cumburbatch: Yeah. I mean, you’ve got nice abs and your skin looks good and smooth and even. You’re also funny and charming. It’s super nice, until this sketch. But you know, I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you this week and I hope we could do it again.

[Cut to Beck Bennett all blushing]

Beck Bennett: Oh my god! Bennie! Wow, you are striking and charming. And when you look at me, I feel truly seen.

[right answer bells]

Yes! Yes! I get it. I get why he’s hot. I win my own game. Join me next week for my new game show… ‘Am I hotter Than Kyle Mooney?’

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Um, no. Kyle is my number one.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: What? Really?

Presidential Message Before Election Cold Open

Erin Burnett… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

FBI agent… Alex Moffat

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Erin Burnett OutFront intro]

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening and welcome to Erin Burnett OutFront. I’m Erin Burnett. For the next 72 hours, we’ll be bringing you non-stop election coverage. And my neighbors who are watching, please don’t feed my dog. Race has been tightening all week and tonight we have both candidates with us to make their case to voters one last time. Joining me from Florida is Secretary Hillary Clinton, and from Colorado, Donald Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

How are you both doing this week?

Donald Trump: Really, really great, Erin. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.] They’re all so buying it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, it has been a great week for me too. Um, my fav part was when I lost that great big lead I had. But I am not worried, Erin. It might be the bottom of the 9th and it’s tied and it’s raining. But this old Chicago cub is still gonna bring it home.

Donald Trump: You are not, Hillary. Coz I am building a lot of momentum. The polls are showing that we are neck and [showing his neck] whatever this is here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah. And you’ve travelled to four different states just today. What gives you the energy for all that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: My deep love for America. And a really, really big handful of uppers that are meant for resources.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Well, let’s get to what’s obviously the big story of the week.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton with her fingers crossed]

Hillary Clinton: Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton’s emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton cringing]

Hillary Clinton: Ew-okay.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: FBI director Jim Comey announced that they’re looking into more emails that were discovered on Anthony Weiner’s laptop.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s right. I called it. And these emails are very bad for you, Hillary. That’s why I never, ever use email. It’s too risky. Instead, I use a very private, very secure site where one can whatever they want to and no one will read it. It’s called Twitter.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Trump, everyone can see your tweets.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Really? And I’m still in this thing? America, you must really hate this lady.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] They do.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Now, it’s highly unusual for the FBI to make an announcement like this so close to the election.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh yeah, you think? I mean, am I cringy or does it sort of seem like the FBI is trying to get Donald Trump elected president?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, no. That is crazy cuckoo. The FBI is not trying to help me. The FBI does not like me. I mean, what even is the FBI?

[FBI agent walks in]

FBI agent: Hey, I’m gonna go grab some coffee, you want something?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

FBI agent: Okay.

[Donald Trump kisses FBI agent and FBI agent leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton looking shocked]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! You saw that, right? He kissed an FBI guy? Yeah?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It doesn’t seem like enough of a story. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh! Yeah. Boy, I could really go for another Donald Trump audio link right about now. Hey! Mark Burnett, Mark, my baby, I know you’re sitting on some pretty racist tapes of Donald on the Apprentice. So, Mark, as they say I’m a wheel of fortune, give me a an ‘N’.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton, there is no proof that a tape of Mr. Trump saying the N word actually exists.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, are you cray? Of course that tape exists.

Donald Trump: Erin, Erin, Erin, it does exist.

Hillary Clinton: See? See? I need someone to release something on this guy. I mean, I’ve got the whole Russian government helping release stuff on me coz Russian loves Donald and Donald loves Putin.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. She’s a liar. I don’t know Putin. I have never met Putin. What is even a Putin?

[Vladimir Putin walks in half naked.]

Vladimir Putin: I’m running to store. Do you need anything?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

Vladimir Putin: Alright.

[Donald Trump kisses Vladimir Putin and Vladimir Putin leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! He kissed Putin. He kissed Putin on live TV.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary, that can mean anything. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh!

Donald Trump: These emails are huge scandal. I heard it’s even bigger than White Water.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m not sure that’s quite true, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Why are you defending her, Erin? Are you a les with her? Because I hear it from a lot of people that you are lessing her.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: that doesn’t even make sense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter, Erin, because I said it. And now, half the country believes it. But P.S., no one loves gay people more than me, okay? I am a huge supporter of the LB community.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You mean the LGBT community?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, just the L and the B.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: You see Erin? Okay, this is how he talks. He pretends to be pro-gay but then his running mate believes in conversion therapy. He says he is not racist but this week the KKK endorsed him for president.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. No. I don’t know the KKK. I mean, what even is a K?

[a KKK walks in with the white cult outfit on]

KKK member: Hey, I’m gonna go for a run. Do you wanna come?

Donald Trump: Um, no thanks. I’m good, sweetie

[Donald Trump kisses the KKK member and he leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, the KKK. Can we talk about how he kissed the KKK?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah, I wish we could but we’re almost out of time. So, let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [sighs] What is happening? Is the whole world insane? Donald Trump has single handedly ruined so much of what we as Americans hold dear. Kindness, decency, tic tacs, skittles, taco balls, father daughter dances, buses, bright red hats, the word ‘great’, the color orange, men. But look, if you want to elect him president on Tuesday, okay! Go ahead. But then in four years once you all realize you’ve been tricked, you’re gonna come running back to me begging me to run again and guess what idiots? I’ll do it.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Erin, here is the bottomline, okay? Hillary Clinton is the most corrupt person ever to run for president. She is a liar. She is a crook.

Hillary Clinton: No.

Donald Trump: And frankly, she should be in jail. And when I am president, I will assign a special prosecutor–

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no.

Donald Trump: –to make sure that she never–

[Donald Trump looks down and around]

[sighs] I’m sorry Kate. I just hate yelling all this stuff at you like this.

[Cut to a shot where Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are standing side by side, just their backgrounds are different.]

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. I know, right? This whole election has been so mean.

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk close to each other]

Donald Trump: I mean, I just feel gross all the time. I mean, don’t you guys feel gross all the time about this? [cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: You know what I think can help us? Let’s get out of here.

Donald Trump: What? Where will we go?

Hillary Clinton: You’ll see.

[music playing]

[Hillary Clinton grabs Donald Trump by his hand and pulls him]

[they run out to the streets. They raise hands and run into the public. They start hugging strangers in the public.]

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton run back to the SNL stage]

Donald Trump: Whoo! I needed that!

Hillary Clinton: I needed that. I feel so much better.

Donald Trump: Yeah. And now it’s time to get out there and vote. None of this will have mattered if you don’t vote.

Hillary Clinton: And we can’t tell you who to vote for but on Tuesday, we all get a chance to choose what kind of country we want to live in.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Meeting with Mr. Shaw

Benedict Cumberbatch

David Hoff… Beck Bennett

Dan Fletcher… Kenan Thompson

Carolina… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with David Hoff and Dan Fletcher having a meeting with Benedict]
Benedict: You must be the gentlemen from Mercy General.

David Hoff: I am David Hoff and this is Dan Fletcher.

Dan Fletcher: Yes. I’m sorry but we were under the impression that we would be meeting directly with Mr. Shaw.

Benedict: Mr. Shaw’s time is extremely valuable. If I deem your proposal worthwhile, I will involve him.

Dan Fletcher: Alright, well, as you know, a hospital has fallen on some hard times.

David Hoff: Frankly, we’re looking for someone who can make a sizable donation.

Benedict: Hm, philanthropy does give Mr. Shaw a kind of thrill. Very well. Carolina, could you ask Mr. Shaw to join us please? Now, whatever you do, do not mention his scar.

[Carolina brings Mr. Shaw in. Mr. Shaw is an eagle wearing a human suit.]

Mr. Shaw. How was your round of golf this morning? Well, that’s why they call it a dog lake, sir. I’m joking of course. [David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are shocked] Well, these gentlemen are from Mercy General. Gentlemen, the floor is your’s.

David Hoff: Yeah.

Dan Fletcher: I’m sorry but is this a joke?

Benedict: Does Mr. Shaw seem like the joking type?

David Hoff: So, should we ask him about the donation?

Benedict: Yes. Mr. Shaw is a little embarrassed to talk about money because, well, he’s on it.

Dan Fletcher: Okay. Well, we’re talking to various investors in the hopes of–

Benedict: [interrupting] I’m sorry. I need to stop you for a moment. Mr. Shaw would like to see your watch?

Dan Fletcher: Oh?

Benedict: He finds it quite shiny.

[Dan Fletcher opens his watch and hands it over to Benedict]

[Benedict shakes the watch in front of Mr. Shaw]

Yes, very shiny sir. Mr. Shaw brightly notes that when the light hits your watch, it reminds him of a fish glinsing in the stream. Ha-ha-ha. Woo, could it jump.

[Benedict gives Dan Fletcher’s back back]

Dan Fletcher: Um, I’m sorry but what are we doing here?

David Hoff: Yes, I’m afraid this is a complete waste of time.

Benedict: Really? A waste of time? But it wasn’t a waste of time when Dalai Lama spent his 16th birthday here, with Mr. Shaw. [Benedict shows pictures of celebrities with Mr. Shaw] Richard Ransom seemed very content a while away that afternoon. As the both Nelson Mandela and Howei Mandel. And of course there was that time that Mr. Shaw met Search Salman Rushdie. And was quite disappointed to find that this was one Salman (salmon) he couldn’t eat.

Dan Fletcher: Look, we need money for our hospital to help sick people.

Benedict: Interesting. Now we are getting somewhere. Quick conference. [whispering with Mr. Shaw] Very well sir, congratulations gentlemen.

Dan Fletcher: You’re serious? You’re going to donate to the hospital?

Benedict: $1.7 million in courtesy of this old softy. Sir, maybe they’ll after your donation name a wing after you.  Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, no, I intended it as a joke sir. I meant no disrespect. No, that was not my intention at all. What subtext? Sir, you– you can’t mean that. After all I’ve given 27 years. I missed my daughter’s birth. Well, you can’t fire me sir, because I quit. Good luck with everything, gentlemen. I hope your hospital can fix a broken heart.

[David Hoff is crying]

David Hoff: So sad.

Dan Fletcher: Actually, cardiology is one of our specialties.

Benedict: I suppose I’ll collect my things. [Benedict walks pass the door and comes back with a football and

Gentlemen, good luck with your hospital. Mr. Shaw, it’s been a wild ride.

[Benedict walks out]

[David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are looking at the Mr. Shaw]

Dan Fletcher: So, do you write us the check? Or…

[Carolina walks in]

Carolina: Excuse me, Mr. Shaw will take his bath now. What’s that sir? Join you? Oh, Mr Shaw! [smiling]

[The End]

Criminal Mastermind

Alex Moffat

Slate… Beck Bennett

Jack… Benedict Cumberbatch

Cecily Strong

Ron… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with two people getting inside a warehouse. There’s a bomb ticking sound.]

Alex: I hear it! Over here.

[Alex takes a sheet away and there’s a bomb]

Slate: Oh! How before this thing turns this place into the inside of cuisinart?

Alex: I don’t know.

[phone rings]

[Slate answers the phone]

Slate: Hello.

Male voice: Gals and boys come out to play, if the moon does shine as bright as day

Slate: Who is this?

[Cut to Jack speaking on the phone]

Jack: Hello, Slate. You may call me Jack. I’ll tell you a story about Jack and Nori and now my story has begun. I’ll tell you another about Jack’s brother and now my score is done. Would you like to play a game, Slate?

Slate: Do I have a choice?

Jack: Next to you is 600 grams of C4 explosive and I hold the detonator . If you want me to deactivate it, answer my query. Johnny’s mother had three children. One was April, one was May, as well the name of the other child only you can say. You have 60 seconds.

[Jack hangs up. Jack is with Cecily and Ron]

I gave them 60 seconds.

Cecily: It’s cool

[Jack, Cecily and Ron are waiting awkwardly]

Ron: Um, you guys have seen Stranger Things? It’s cool. I hear it’s actually based on true story.

Jack: Ron, I swear to god. If you mention–[phone ringing]

[answering the phone] Yes?

Slate: It’s Johnny. You said Johnny’s mother had three children, so the third child is Johnny himself.

Jack: Bravo, Slate. I can see killing you will be harder than I thought. But it seems you forgot about the case of ammonium nitrate I left in your car, outside the school!

Slate: You can’t do that. There’s kids in there.

Jack: They won’t be for long, unless you listen carefully because I’ll only say this once. There is a word, a wonderous word, six letters it contains, take one away from the word and twelve is what remains. You have 60 seconds. [hangs up the phone]

Pretty good, right?

Cecily: Can I ask you something? Don’t get mad. But, do you have to do the riddles?

Jack: What? If I don’t do the riddles, I’m just a common thief. You know, and we all like riddles. Right?

Cecily: No. Yes, people definitely like them. I don’t know if we need them.

Ron: What- What if there were like, pictures?

Jack: And what would that look like, Ron?

Ron: I don’t know. Or what if you had– what if you had to guess how much candy was in a jar?

Jack: Look, I don’t tell you how to do the chlorine. You don’t tell me that– [phone ringing]

[answering the phone] Yes.

Slate: Dozens. Plural. Take away the S and you have Dozen.

Jack: You have quite the ear, Slate. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [covers the phone] He got it! But he won’t get this one. [speaking on the phone] I knew you would be a worthy opponent but the game is not over.

[shutting sounds]

Slate: What was that?

Alex: The exists are locked.

Jack: I just locked every door in the warehouse. You have ten minutes to leave, or answer the following. If you please, I’m full of keys, but cannot open a door–

Slate: [interrupting] A piano.

[Jack is speechless]

Jack: Um, yea, yea. Very well then, I’ll always come but never arrive today–

Slate: [interrupting] Tomorrow. What is Tomorrow.

[Jack is speechless]

Jack: Correct. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Slate: Spongebob.

Jack: I give up the damn score!

Slate: But we were playing a game. This is fun! Give me another one!

Haunted Elevator (ft. David S. Pumpkins)

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Mark… Kenan Thompson

David Pumpkins… Tom Hanks

[Starts with 100 Floors of Frights intro]

Announcer: Welcome to 100 Floors of Frights. Enter at your own risk.

[Cut to Kate and Beck getting inside the elevator. Mark is standing inside the elevator.]

Kate: Do you things jump right at you at this ride?

Beck: Yeah, babe. It’s a scary ride.

Mark: Good evening. I am your elevator operator Mark. Now please, hold on as this ride goes boom, in the night.

Kate: Oh! Don’t make fun of me if I scream, okay?

Beck: It’s a 100 Floors of Frights babe, I’ll probably be screaming too.

Mark: And now, hold on for dear death. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a woman wearing a wedding dress, holding flowers in one hand and a rope in the other.]

The women: Winafred Rogers got cold feet, and hung herself in a honeymoon suite

[the elevator door closes]

Kate: Oh, my god!

Beck: You totally dropped.

Kate: So did you.

Mark: Floor 20. Hall of our five scar restaurant.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a waiter with a big plate in his hands and the meal is covered.]

Waiter: Today’s special, your head. [When he opens the cover, it’s Kate’s head.]

[The elevator door closes]

Kate: Ah! That was my head! Is that why they take your picture when you enter the park?

Mark: I’m not telling. 49th floor.

Beck: Here we go. Here we go.

[The elevator door opens. There is David Pumpkins with two other people. He is wearing a suit that hast pumpkins printed on it. The other two are wearing skeleton skin costume.]

David Pumpkins: How’s it hanging? I’m David Pumpkins. And I’m gonna scare the hell out of you.

[music playing]

[David Pumpkins and the two skeletons start dancing]

Any questions?

[The elevator door closes]

[Kate and Beck say nothing. They are confused.]

Mark: Scared to speechless?

Beck: Oh, no. No. I’m just trying to wrap my head around, David Pumpkins? I mean, are we supposed to know who that is?

Kate: Yeah. It was just a guy in a pumpkin suit with two B-boy skeletons. I don’t get how that’s scary.

Mark: Well, you don’t get frights. You fear them. 26th floor.

[The elevator door opens. There’s a lady ghost wearing white pajamas and has black hair covering all her face.]

Lady: Can I sleep in your bed tonight? [screaming]

[The elevator door closes]

Kate: Yeah. I get why she is here.

Beck: Yeah. Creepy girl from ‘The Ring’. But David Pumpkins? I mean, is he from something?

Kate: Yeah. Like, is he from a local commercial?

Mark: Well, the scariest thing to the mind is the unknown.

[The elevator door opens. There’s David Pumpkins and his dancers again.]

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins.

Beck: I know. But like, who are you?

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins, man!

Kate: Okay. Yeah, yeah, and David Pumpkins is?

David Pumpkins: Is own thang!

Beck: And the skeletons are?

Skeletons: Part of it!

Kate: Why are you a part of this ride?

David Pumpkins: To do this.

[music playing]

[David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing]

What’s my name?

Skeletons: David S. Pumpkins.

David Pumpkins: Any questions?

[The elevator door closes]

Beck: Yes! Several! I mean, he has a middle initial now? I am so in the weave for David Pumpkins.

Kate: Babe, don’t let David Pumpkins ruin your night.

Mark: David S. Pumpkins! Floor 99.

[The elevator door opens]

[There is a woman wearing straitjacket with a huge chainsaw. She turns on the chainsaw.]

Woman: [screaming] Ah! I’m crazy… for… David Pumpkins.

[music playing]

[Crazy woman starts dancing.  David Pumpkins and the two skeletons join her.]

[The elevator door closes]

Kate: How much David Pumpkins is in this?

Mark: Um, 73 out of 100 floors.

Beck: Why did you go all in on David Pumpkins?

Mark: Ay, look! It’s 100 floors of frights. They’re not all going to be winners. Floor 100.

[The elevator door opens. There are two skeletons of David Pumpkins.]

Kate: Okay. So now it’s just the skeletons?

Skeletons: Ready or now? Here we dance.

[music playing]

[The skeletons start dancing]

Happy Halloween!

[Cut to Kate and Beck looking at the skeletons with attention. David Pumpkins is sitting just behind him.]

David Pumpkins: [by surprise] Any questions?

[Kate and Beck are scared to death.]

Halloween Block Party

Todd… Tom Hanks

Jill… Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Jennifer… Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Alexia… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with three couples planning Halloween party]

Todd: Okay, great. Thanks again, everybody, for coming over to plan next week’s Halloween block party.

Jill: Yes, it’s gonna be the best one yet.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: Jill, Todd, I have a question. I’m looking at the flyer for the block party and right up at the top of costume parade, it says that “Jill and Todd are going to be on the main stage from 9 PM to ?” What is that?

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Um-hmm.

Todd: Yeah. That’s our show.

Jill: Yeah.

Todd: Remember, last year you asked us to start putting together a Halloween show?

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: No.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Yeah. Yeah. You asked us to write a show and then star in it.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: Nobody said that to you.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Todd: Wow! Jennifer doesn’t think we wrote a show.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: No, I’m saying no one asked you to write one.

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Jill: Okay, um, [loud voice] Alexia, get down here. There people are making us prove we wrote a show.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: I thought your daughter Alexia was in college.

Todd: She couldn’t do it.

[Cut to everybody. Alexia comes running in]

Jill: Alexia, there you are. Are you ready to do the show?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Alexia: Won’t that spoil the surprise?

Todd: Of course it will, but these cheapskates are trying to get out of paying us.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Paying you?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Yes! The $2,000 you promised.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: It’s a free Halloween block party for kids! Nobody’s gonna pay!

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Todd: Alright, you win. You win. We will do a run through. But we’re just gonna be marking it.

[Todd, Jill and Alexia are setting up their mics]

Jill: Yeah, okay? Coz we were counting on another week but let’s just get our mics on, guys. Here’s the damn show you asked for!

Todd: This is basically what it’s gonna be.

[music playing]

Jill: [singing and dancing] Just a small town witch
living in a haunted house
making spells and potions
and eyeball soup

[Kenan and Jennifer are confused]

Todd: [singing and dancing] Just a dracula
boiling rage inside Detroit
got two fangs in my mouth
and pale white skin

[Kate and Beck are congused]

Alexia: [singing and dancing] A zombie in a musty tomb
the smell of brains and cheap perfume
as long as she can eat some human flesh
she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine

Todd, Jill and Alexia: Hallo… ween.
Our favorite time of the year
Hallo… ween.
it’s the noise!

[Alexia runs out]

Jill: Dracula, this can never work. We just– we don’t make sense.

Todd: Why? Because I drink blood?

Jill: No, you goof. Because I am a virgin.

Todd: So I am virgin too. Big time!

Jill: Wait a minute. You’re telling me the Dracula from South Detroit has never, you know, done it?

[cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: And this is for kids?

[Cut to Todd and Jill]

Todd: You will be my first. Show me that body.

Jill: Okay. So, we’re just miming it now, but that day, we’ll actually be removing our robes.

Todd: And I will be the damn spelled, obviously.

[Cut to Todd and Jill. Alexia walks in.]

Alexia: What are you two doing?

Jill: Sophina, god, you weren’t supposed to see this.

Alexia: Obviously. Did our kiss mean nothing?

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: So, they are in love triangle with their daughter?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Honey, look, I kiss lots of people. Okay? I’m a witch. Witches are slutty. That’s just a fact!

Todd: Oh, no! The sun is rising. Crap! Oh, it’s okay. I’ve done everything I wanted to do. I love you. And then I burst into flames.

Jill: No!

Todd, Jill and Alexia: [singing and dancing] Hallo… ween.

it only comes one time a year
let’s fix more treats for all time!

[music stops]

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Jennifer: Is that really what you spent a whole year working on?

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Jill: Yes.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Well, it was flipping amazing.

[Cut to Kenan and Jennifer]

Kenan: We’ll give you half.

[Cut to Todd, Jill and Alexia]

Todd: Oh, just a thousand?

Jill: Well, you’re shrewd. But we’ll take it. Now, please leave because I can tell my husband is getting emotional.

[Kenan, Jennifer, Kate and Beck leave]

Todd: Well, we sure got screwed!

Jill: Honey, we went in asking for more than we deserved. Let’s be happy we get to perform. Alexia, go to bed.

Alexia: I’m 22.

Jill: I couldn’t tell by your performance. Go to bed.

Todd: You wanna study that choreography? [yelling]

Short Film

Host… Alex Moffat

Emily Blunt

Vanessa Bayer

Andrew… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Host speaking on the stage]

Host: Hello. Welcome to the 16th Annual AnnArbor Short Film Festival. Um, so tonight we’ve got a really special one for you. I think you’re gonna love it. Also, stick around after the screening for a Q&A with the cast and crew. And now, without any further due, I present Qua.

[The movie starts]

[Emily is looking herself at the mirror. She looks sad.]

[Cut to Emily running from something. She falls and looks back. It turns out she is running away from herself.]

Emily: [scared] It’s me.

[Cut to Host clapping on the stage]

Host: Now, please help me welcome the cast and crew of Qua.

[Cut to the audience. All of them except one stands up and walk to the stage.]

Come on up, guys. Yeah, awesome. Very cool. Excellent. Yeah, congrats guys. Cool. Thank you all for being here. Alright. And um, I gotta say, truly stunning work. Okay, let’s just jump right in and get some audience questions.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience. There is a mic.]

Vanessa: Oh. I guess I’ll go. Um, good job everybody. Um, what was that all about?

[Cut to the stage. Andrew takes the mic.]

Andrew: Um, for me I guess it’s sort of about just the holocaust.

[Cecily takes the mic]

Cecily: Oh, yeah, sorry. Um, and just a piggy back off of what Andrew said, it’s also about like, “Yeah, why do we wear make up?”

[Beck takes the mic]

Beck: Yeah, right. But at the end of the day, it’s also comedy.

Host: Okay, great. Um, let’s take another question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Okay. Um, I’ll go again. Um, for the actress I guess, did you get to do any improv on set?

[Cut to the stage]

Emily: Oh. [she takes the mic] Yeah, that was a great question. There wasn’t a ton of improv coz you know, it was such a great script. But I did get to improv a few little things like, you know, the part where I said, “It’s me.” You know, that was improvised. And then you know that part where I was running and I fell down, that was also improvised. And then, the part where I was in the bathroom, that was all improv. But other than that, it was really, really scripted.

Host: Okay. Let’s take one more question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Dammit. Oh, um, what were some of your influences for this movie?

[Cut to the stage. Mikey gets the mic.]

Mikey: Um, I guess for me, I’d say Richard Linklater and Charlie Kaufman.

Beck: Yeah, for me I definitely say Charlie Kaufman and Richard Linklater. Yeah.

Kate: I guess for me it was sort of the combination of Richard Linklater and also Charlie Kaufman.

Aidy: And for me, it was the British Office.

Host: Okay. So, we have time for 10 to 15 more questions. Yes, miss.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: I guess, can you tell me about the music. And also, you don’t need to pass the mic if that will make this go faster.

Kenan: No, we don’t mind.

Emily: Um, this is actually a really cool story. The music was supposed to be an original song by Alicia Keys.

Host: Oh, that’s cool.

Emily: Yeah, yeah. But then, um, right before we started shooting we realized that none of us had Alicia’s email or anything. So, we couldn’t do that.

Host: Now, I gotta jump in here. Um, obviously there was a lot of symbolism in the movie.

All: Yeah.

Host: Does anyone have any questions about the symbolism? Um, yes you, putting on your coat and purse.

[Cut to Vanessa getting ready to leave]

Vanessa: Oh! Yes, um, can you talk about the number 3s that were all over the woods.

[Cut to the stage]

Kenan: [gets the mic] Thanks a lot. I’m sorry, what 3s?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: There were huge number 3s all over the woods in that woods scene?

[Cut to the stage. All the members are looking at each other’s faces confused.]

Kenan: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Host: Okay. We’re almost out of time. But real quick, why don’t we go down the line and just say what you’re working on now.

Aidy: Nothing.

Kenan: Nothing for me.

Kate: I’m doing some grocery shopping later today.

Mikey: Um, I’m doing nothing.

Beck: Nothing for me.

Cecily: Um, I’m going camping. Not this weekend but next.

Andrew: Um, I’m also doing nothing.

Emily: Um, I’m in ‘the Girl On the Train’ which is out in threatres right now.

Host: Oh, fun. Cool.

[The End]

Melanianad

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Emily Blunt

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Omarosa… Sasheer Zamata

Tiffany Trump… Vanessa Bayer

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with video clips of female friends and family members of Donald Trump thinking deep]

Melania: Here lies my last nerve, Donald. I’ve stood by your side this whole campaign, your beautiful, dutiful Melania. I can’t take it anymore. I am your wife.

Ivanka: Your daughter.

Kellyanne: Your mouth piece.

Omarosa: Your one black friend.

Tiffany: Your other daughter.

All: And you’re breaking us. Taking us for granted that we’ll always be there.

Melania: But one day soon, Donald, you may wake up and this bomb pussy bow blouse will be gone.

[music playing]

[Music video starts]

Melania: I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
Donald, na!

‘m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry

Kellyanne: Always screwing up (I’m not sorry)
expect me to clean it up (I’m not sorry)
said I’d stick with you unless (I’m not sorry)
I think we’ve gotten to unless (I’m not sorry)
Melania: Me and my ladies pack our Gucci up
we spilling tea with our pinkies up
fix your bald spot, I’ve had enough
tryna’ thinking about you
I’m done thinking about

All: Four fingers up, make them bend right
poke him in the face, tell him, “Boy, bye”
tell him, “Boy, bye” (you’re fired)

four fingers up, tired of thinking about you

Ivanka: Daddy once tweeted “Sorry”
I’m not even making music
I’m supposed to be the brain tear
what the hell have happen thinking?

Now he’s bringing Paula Jones in
there goes my friendship with Chelsea Clinton
I miss you Chelsea Clinton
Call me Chelsea

All: Tired of thinking about you
I’m done thinking about you

four fingers up
tired of thinking about you.

Tiffany: Hell na! I killed on that convention speech, no lie
but I’ll never be Ivanka in your eyes
I don’t give a damn, tonight I’m turning tables
don’t call me Tiffany Trump, I’m Tiff Maples

Omarosa: Leaving the resignation in the hall way
signed as Omarosa, there’s no last name
No last name
I ain’t f***n with no last name

Melania: Don’t take me wrong, I have a good life
but Donald don’t underestimate your wife
I got Eastern Europe mindset
I might forgive but I won’t forget
Donald baby, watch out (watch out)
me and my women’s about to walk out
I see Mike Pence in the corner
looking for the back door

Mike Pence: You only want me when I’m not there

All: Without us you wouldn’t be standing there

Melania: You just be that guy with that weed hair
you just be that guy with that weed hair

I wrote that all by myself.

Donald Trump: Come on Melania, ready? It’s the wedding. Let’s go. You look very nice. But let’s go.

Women: Yes. Okay.

[All the women start walking]

Donald Trump: Tiffany, you wait here.

Tiffany: Oh! Cool.

Honda Robotics

Bobby Moynihan

Docimo… MIkey Day

Docima… Emily Blunt

Caren… Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking to a crowd]

Bobby: Welcome to the Honda Robotics Lounge here at Nexcon. We are offering glimpses into Honda’s advancements in robotic technologies all day. And if everyone could put their phones on airplane mode for this next portion, that would be great. Now, is anybody hungry? Coz I got some good news. We hired a couple of caterers for this event. You might recognize them actually. They are Honda’s second generation mobile smart bots, Docimo and Docima.

[The door behind Bobby opens. Two robots walk out.]

Docimo: Would you like a Mac and cheeseballs?

Bobby: Wow. Yes, I would. Thank you Docimo. And what do you have there Docima?

Docima: Would you like a crunchy mini quesadillas?

Bobby: Oh, yes ma’am!

Docimo: Hey! Those are for the guests.

Bobby: [laughing] Okay, great job you two.

Docima: High-five.

Docimo: Pound it.

Bobby: Okay. Now, would you please serve our guests?

[Docima walks down and towards the guests]

Docima: Do you want a crunchy mini quesadillas?

Bobby: Wow! Look at her go, folks. And what are you still doing up here, Docimo? Get down there with those mac and cheeseballs. I see some people’s mouths watering.

Docimo: Do you want a mac and cheeseball- ball- ball- ball- ball- ball.

Bobby: Oh! Ha-ha-ha. Looks like Docimo is having a little bit of trouble. Let’s get one of our Honda robo wranglers out here to fix him up. Okay, hey Caren.

[The door behind Bobby opens. Caren walks in.]

Caren: Oh, man! I don’t know if this has been said but if anyone’s cellphone is not on wifi, it’s gonna mess with these things. Wifi please.

Bobby: Okay. Caren’s working on Docimo here but we still got Docima out there with mini quesadillas.

[Cut to Docima talking to Kate very near to her ear.]

Docima: Would you like a tasty mini quesadillas?

Kate: I said no.

Docima: Would you like an oowy, gooey, yummy, delicious mini quesadillas?

Kate: I do not.

Docima: would you like a delicious, toasty, cheesy quesadillas.

Kate: I already had one and I didn’t like it.

Docima: Would you like an oowy, gooey, cheesy, delicious mini quesadillas?

Kate: It’s face is so cold.

[Cut to Bobby and Docimo]

Bobby: Okay. And guess who’s ready with those mac and cheeseballs. Make sure you get some of these.

Docimo: Would you like a mac and cheeseballlllll–

[Docimo falls sideways]

[machine breaking sound]

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Man, I wanted one of those mac and cheeseballs.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Okay. Caren, why don’t you come on out here again. Okay.

[Caren walks out]

Caren: Man, I am telling I’m not playing. With the phone thing, text message did this to this dude. We got free wifi in here. Please.

Docimo: Would you like toasty mac and cheeseball? Pound it! Pound it!

Caren: Stop moving, dude!

Bobby: Okay. Well, while Caren gives Docimo a hand, does anybody have any questions about the exciting new Hondo robotics projects? Yes, sir.

[Cut to Beck. Docima is still walking with the food tray and is trying to talk through the wall.]

Beck: What sort of practical purpose would your robots have in the everyday world?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Now, that is an excellent question. Okay. But first sir, would you mind just giving Docima a little spin there please? Thank you.

[Cut to Beck. He spins Docima a little.]

Docima: Would you like a toasty mini quesadillas?

Beck: No.

[Docima follows Beck]

[Cut to Bobby and Caren]

Caren: Sorry everyone, this one’s going back in it’s big plastic suitcase he lives in.

[Docimo runs around]

[Caren holds Docimo by the throat and hits him to the wall. Docimo falls.]

Stay down, dude!

Docimo: Do you want a mac and cheesebal.

Caren: Now for real, I’m going to check everybody’s phone here. [text message beep] Oh, oh, damn. Sorry. That was my phone. I’m sorry. My bad.