Tag: Beck Bennett

Dating Show

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Dustin… Beck Bennett

Jared… Kyle Mooney

Frank… Mikey Day

Ryan Mack… John Cena

[Starts with MTV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching MTV. At six, it’s ‘Teen Mom’. At seven, it’s ‘Teen Wolf’. And at eight, it’s ‘Teen Wolf Mom’. But first, it’s time for all new, ‘Hook a Hunk’.

[Cut to the Hook a Hunk stage. There is a lady and three guys on the stage.]

Female voice: Tonight, things are heating up. We got one lucky girl.

[Cut to Michelle]

Michelle: I’m Michelle. I’m 22. and when it comes to love, I’ma all about it.

Female voice: Who gets to hook one of three hot hunks.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: I’m Dustin. I have two cats and I think you’re purr-fect.

Jared: I’m Jared. I love hotdogs. And if you are, I’d relish you.

Frank: I’m Frank. I’m a magician. And if you give me a chance, I think my penis could do the trick.

Female voice: Who will she choose? Let’s find out now on Hook a Hunk. With your host Ryan Mack.

[Ryan Mack walks in]

Ryan Mack: Hey, everyone. Welcome to the show. Let’s get started.

Michelle: Oh, my god. You’re– you’re the host?

Ryan Mack: Yeah, I’m Ryan.

Michelle: Oh, I’m– I’m Michelle. I’m the contestant.

Ryan Mack: I know it. I know coz I’m–

Michelle: You’re the host. Of course. I’m– That was stupid.

Ryan Mack: No. No, it was cool. You wanna play the game?

Michelle: Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m just– I’m nervous.

Ryan Mack: You’re gonna do great. Just be yourself and relax.

Michelle: [flirting] Yeah, easy for you to say. You run this whole place.

Ryan Mack: Shut up.

Michelle: You shut up.

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Ha-ha. Ready whenever you are, Ryan.

Dustin: Yeah, this hunk is ready to get hooked.

Frank: Forget these bozos, Michelle. I know you’re going to hook me.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is feeling Ryan Mack’s biceps.]

Michelle: My god, your arms are so big.

Ryan Mack: Too big?

Michelle: No, no, no. Like, I bet you could pick me up so easily.

Ryan Mack: You want me to try?

Michelle: Right now? You are so crazy, Ryan. Um, but… what are you doing tonight?

Ryan Mack: Well, I just have this thing to do for an hour. Then I’m free. You wanna grab some food?

Michelle: Yeah. Sure. What kind of food do you like?

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Well, for me, my favorite food is strawberries because I’m sweet and, yeah, I like to jam.

Dustin: And I like toast because I want to toast to you, Michelle, and the rest of our lives together.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is holding Ryan Mack’s hand.]

Michelle: Babe, it’s okay, you can tell me what it is.

Ryan Mack: Well, I had a younger brother but he died.

Michelle: Oh, no. I’m so sorry.

Ryan Mack: His last words were ‘Find the right girl.”

Michelle: We should visit his grave. Oh my god, I’m sorry. That was so forward of me.

Ryan Mack: No, it’s not. You’re a family now.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: And if I was on a desert island, the two things I would bring are my guitar and you, Michelle.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is leaning her head on Ryan Mack’s shoulder.]

Ryan Mack: I feel like we’re the only two people alive.

Michelle: Hey, how did you get that scar?

Ryan Mack: I don’t want to tell you. I would just scare you away.

Michelle: Look at me. Nothing is scaring me away.

[Michelle and Ryan Mack start kissing]

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: [looking around confused] And for me, if I was on a desert island, I would bring you, Michelle, and one dozen roses.

Dustin: That’s a really good answer.

Jared: No, it wasn’t. They’re not even listening. I feel so stupid.

Dustin: Hey, you’re not stupid. You’re smart.

Jared: Thanks.

Dustin: Yeah. I mean, that thing you said before about the strawberries, that was awesome.

[Jared hits Dustin in a playful way]

Jared: You’re just saying that.

Dustin: [staring at Jared] I’m not

[Dustin and Jared start kissing]

Female voice: This is been another episode of ‘Hook a hunk’. Until next time, stay horny.

Frank: Um, so, should I just go or…?

The Nativity

Mary… Emma Stone

Joseph… Kyle Mooney

Barshaba.. Pete Davidson

Nicodemus… Mikey Day

Three wise men… Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat, Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mary and Joseph inside a barn]

Mary: He’s here. He’s finally here. Look, Joseph, our son, Jesus.

Joseph: You’ve done something extraordinary. And now, Mary, you really must rest.

[door knocking]

Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Well, whoever it is, tell them to leave.

Joseph: Why?

Mary: Well, I don’t know about you, Joseph, but I’m not in the mood to have people over right now because I just had a baby, in a barn.

Joseph: I understand, Mary.

[Joseph goes to open the door]

[Barshaba and Nicodemus enter]

Barshaba: Greetings. We heard there is a baby. A savior baby.

Nicodemus: We wish to look upon him, we wish to look upon him.

Mary: Sure, come on in. Take a look.

Joseph: Okay, so we’re just going to have visitors even though this place is a mess and I had no time to get ready? Cool, cool, cool.

[Barshaba and Nicodemus walk in]

Nicodemus: Yes, I am Nicodemus. This is Barshaba.

Barshaba: Are you okay? You look so tired.

Joseph: Yeah, I wonder why.

[door knocking]

Joseph: Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Joseph, no more guests.

Joseph: I got it. [squeaky voice] I got it.

[Kenan, Beck  and Alex  enter]

Kenan: Salutations. We are three wise men.

Joseph: Cool. Come in.

Mary: Truly, Joseph. Truly.

Beck : Oh, is this the child?

Mary: Look, I know you’re all judging me because there’s no place to sit and my shawl is jacked. But just like– know that I had a baby in a barn today. Okay? Baby in a barn.

Joseph: Mary, it’s fine. Nobody cares.

Mary: I care. I have looked cute every day of my 14 year old life. And now, we have literal kings visiting. And I look like hot hummus.

Joseph: No one is thinking that.

Mary: That guy is.

Kenan: She’s right. I was thinking that.

Alex : Don’t listen to him. We care about your well being.

Mary: Well, I’m glad you care because, you know, who didn’t? Every hotel owner in Bethlehem.

Alex : Mary, Joseph, we come bearing gifts.

Beck : We the magi have brought gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Mary: Great. I heard blankets, diapers and a crib.

[door knocking]

Joseph: [shouting] Hey, you can just come in.

Mary: Urgh!

[Bobby enters with his friends]
Bobby: We’re here to see the child and a camel.

Mary: Oh, great. More dudes and an animal.

Joseph: Y’all, sorry about her. She’s being super weird today. Woud you guys like drinks or something?

All: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Joseph: Hey, Mary, these guys said they want drinks.

Mary: [looking at Joseph angrily] So?

Joseph: [confused] So, can you get them? Coz, I don’t know where we keep them.

Mary: And I’m out. Cool, guys. This has been fun. Take care of my baby for me. Bye. [Bobby is painting] What are you painting?

Bobby: I’m painting the birth of Jesus as it was and as it always will be.

Mary: Um, no. Here’s how you’re going to paint me. Alright. Serene and gorgeous with rays of light coming out of my head. And maybe I’m just posing like this.

Joseph: Mary, you’re being crazy.

Mary: I’m sorry. I guess when I found out I was going to give birth to a savior, I just assumed it was going to be nicer. Like, there would be a real bed. And I don’t know, like a doctor and no sheep poop on the floor. But everybody is looking at me and I feel puffy and I feel gross.

Joseph: Guys, I think Mary just needs some rest. Perhaps everyone can come back tomorrow?

Everybody: Okay.

[Everyone leaves]

Mary: Finally. It’s just me and my special little baby.

[light shines upon Mary]

Male voice: Mary!

Mary: The angel Gabriel. Look, Jesus was born just as you told.

Male voice: Oh, I know. But Mary, are you okay? You look tired.

Mary: Argh!

The Hunt for Hil

Rafe Degraw… Beck Bennett

Coop Dixon… Kyle Mooney

Michelle… Vanessa Bayer

Tuketo… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of mythical creatures]

Rafe Degraw narrating: Bigfoot. The Loch Ness monster. All rarely seen. All shrouded in mystery. And tonight, we’re headed to the woods of West Chester county to search for the most elusive legend of all, Hillary Rodham Clinton. I’m Rafe Degraw.

Rafe Degraw: Wait, did you hear that?

Rafe Degraw narrating: With my partner, Coop Dixon.

Coop Dixon: There’s something here, man!

Rafe Degraw narrating: And this is “The Hunt for Hil”. Our search begins in the woods of Chappaqua where Hillary Clinton has recently been sighted by a bunch of white people with Facebook accounts. But where is she now? We wet out to find her. Trap her. And thank her. And for that, we needed help.

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon visits Michelle]

Rafe Degraw: So, Michelle, you’ve seen Hillary Clinton?

Michelle: I have. [Cut to the reenactment video] I was in my kitchen washing pans when I saw something moving through the woods. [someone walks through the bushes and Michelle gets scared] It was blonde, about 5’6“. It seemed like kind of wanted some time to itself. So, I immediately started running after it.

[Michelle is showing the video she recorded of Hillary Clinton]

Voice in the video: Hillary, wait. I just want to thank you.

Hillary Clinton: Welcome.

Voice in the video: Hillary! Wait!

[Hillary starts running]

Michelle: I think that’s her.

Rafe Degraw: That’s her. You did a great job.

Rafe Degraw narrating: We decided to check out the spot where Michelle had her sighting to see if there was any trace of Hil.

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are in the woods]

Coop Dixon: Hey, Rafe, you’re gonna want to see this. [showing a footprint] That’s a woman’s shoe right there. Size six. Look, see how there’s no heel?

Rafe Degraw: It’s Hillary.

Rafe Degraw narrating: She was definitely close. So I decided to try and communicate with her.

Rafe Degraw: [making laughing noise] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Coop Dixon: What are you doing?

Rafe Degraw: Shh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Coop Dixon: It’s not gonna work.

Rafe Degraw: Just hold on. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Hillary Clinton laughing]

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are looking around]

Rafe Degraw narrating: We could hear her laugh but we couldn’t see her. And it was getting dark. So we decided to lure her to us with the one thing we knew would entice her. An article about the recount in Wisconsin. We placed it at the edge of the woods, set up our night vision, and waited. She never showed. But the next morning when we checked, the article had clearly been read. Because in the very bottom corner, there was a little note that said, “Thank you, H.” It was our last day in Chappaqua and we had just one more idea. But it was crazy one.

[Cut to Atiketo sitting in the trees. He is a forest shaman.]

Atiketo: Hello?

Rafe Degraw: Tuketo, you say you are one with the trees.

Tuketo: Yes. I have lived my whole life in these Chappaqua woods. The trees whisper their secrets to me.

Coop Dixon: Can you ask them where Hillary Clinton is?

Tuketo: Of course. One moment. [Gibberish] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh! She’s buying eggs at a grocery store.

Rafe Degraw narrating: Next week, the search moves to a Shoprite, only on “The Hunt for Hil”.

Cleaning Crew

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Emma Stone

Leslie Jones

Karla… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with five colleagues in their office]

Beck: Well gang, thanks for working so late on the night before our big Christmas break. And you are all anxious to get back to your families, so I’ll see you in two weeks. Alirght?

[As everyone is getting ready to leave, three ladies walk in. Pete whispers on Beck’s ears.]

Oh, wait. What’s that? Okay. Um, sit down for a sec, everybody. Um, evidently our wonderful cleaning crew here has put together a Christmas show.

Pete: Really? And they wanna do it now?

Alex: I was hoping to catch the 9 o’clock train.

Cecily: [Russian accent] Oh, I’m so sorry. We can just clean your mess and say or do nothing?

Vanessa: Of course, we will stay and watch your show. You do so much for us.

Emma: Thank you, Ms. Christine.

Vanessa: Thank you Ms. Thang, about to perform with your other two Ms. Thangs.

Sasheer: You don’t know their names, do you?

Cecily: It’s a tradition in our country to share songs.

Emma: So, we write one just for you.

Leslie: With you in mind.

Beck: Sounds great!

Cecily: Okay, we are ready. [Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie] [music playing. They open their outer outfit. Inside, they’re wearing tight dress.]

[singing] hey there, Santa, you’ve been a bad boy

All: Like you do, like you do, like you always damn do

Emma: You came down the chimney and pushed me on the floor

All: What he do? What he do? What does Santa do to you?
Santa said be quiet as a mouse
don’t tell anybody or I’ll burn down your house
bad boy Santa, bad boy Santa
Santa’s a bad, bad boy.

[The staff are clapping]

Beck: Um, that was, um, something. So, thank you. Yeah.

Cecily: It was okay, or bad and you hate it?

Emma: Your face looks confused. You know who is Santa, right?

Leslie: He stand in your house and he goes “Ho, ho, ho!”

Beck: Yes, he does! He sure does. Very cute, ladies.

Vanessa: Thank you for sharing your beautiful cultures with you. I could listen to that for hours.

Pete: Really, Christine?

Emma: Oh, good, good. We have more.

Beck: Okay, well just one more. Deal?

Leslie: It’s a deal.

[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]

Emma: Wake up Santa, get out of my bed
it’s time to deliver those presents

Cecily: I know you want to go again
but it’s time to deliver those presents

Leslie: Santa, no, what did I say?
put on your pants and get back in your sleigh

All: Santa, Santa, Santa
just make it fast

Beck: Um, okay. That was number two.

Leslie: You don’t like?

Beck: Well, here in America, we don’t really think of Santa that way.

Cecily: Like in fun sexy way?

Emma: Like a big Frisker?

Cecily: Yeah, like a goofy elf and he’s horny all the time.

Alex: Kids, that’s not true about Santa.

[There are three kids looking at Alex]

Vanessa: Oh, god damn! I forgot your kids are here.

Alex: Yeah, I have them this weekend. I get on a year. Supervised. Hi, Karla.

Karla: [standing with the kids] This isn’t great, Dan!

Beck: Okay. I think we’ve all had enough. So let’s do just one more to make sure.

Pete: But they didn’t ask to do one more.

Cecily: We had one though.

[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]

Cecily: The elves are lined up outside my door
each one more worked up than the one before

Emma: Santa told the elves they could have a turn

Bad boy Santa, you never learn

Leslie: Give me a break, put the camera away

All: Plus I think, you’re too drunk anyway
Santa, Santa, Santa, what did I tell you
about my chimney
it only goes one way!

Beck: Well, I don’t see how you could top that. But let’s do two or three more just to make sure.

Emma: Okay. But this next one is a little bit dirty…

[The End]

Thanksgiving Parade

Nate… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Woody balloon… Mikey Day

Madeline balloon… Kristen Wiig

Clown balloon… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with short video clip of Macy’s parade]

[Cut to Nate with his friends at an apartment. There are two kids playing.]

Nate: So, does this beat thanksgiving in Pennsylvania or what?

Kyle: You know, it’s really nice. Thanks again for having us.

Nate: Hey, when my baby brother says Rugrats want to come to Unkie Nate’s apartment and see the parade balloons up close, I answered with a resounding, “No, prob.” But seriously, how about this pad, huh? Damn! Would you kill for this place or what?

Vanessa: It’s really something, Nate. I don’t even want to know how much you paid for this place.

Nate: And… I don’t wanna tell you. [laughing] But it’s $28,500 a month.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Alright, that’s enough, Nate!

Nate: Oh, look who finally decided to join the living? Sleep well, Tess?

Cecily: You know what? It’s just too early for like, the full ‘Nate’ right now. Okay? [to the kids] Hey you guys, did I miss the balloons?

Vanessa: Oh, no. I think they’re starting now.

Kyle: [to the kids] Ooh, guys, hey look. It’s Woody from Toy Story.

[Woody balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh, my gosh. Look, you guys. Oh, wow, he’s right there. Say hi to Woody, kids. Oh, my god. Hey, this is so incredible.

Nate: I know, right? It’s even got steam shower.

Cecily: She’s not talking about the apartment, Nate.

Nate: She should be, it’s sick.

Vanessa: Oh, look! I think another balloon is coming.

Kyle: Oh, yes. it’s Madeline.

[Madeline balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh my gosh! She’s my favorite. You guys, I used to love those books.

[the balloon turns toward them]

Kyle: Hi! Guys! Hi, Madeline.

Vanessa: Hi. Um, is she getting closer?

Kyle: Yeah, um, you know what? It’s probably just the wind.

Vanessa: Um, does that normally happen, Nate?

Nate: I don’t know. I usually go to the Islands for thanksgivings, but um… [gets scared of the balloon as it’s too close] Whow!

Kyle: It’s okay, kids. It’s just a little windy and that makes it hard for the people on the ground to control the balloons.

[Madeline balloon passes. A clown ballon comes in.]

Nate: Oh my god! Oh, no!

Vanessa: Ah! It’s horrifying.

Kyle: It’s just one of those vintage balloon. Vintage balloons, they’re bringing back this year, guys.

Vanessa: I don’t know if I like seeing the balloons so close.

[Woody balloon and Madeline balloon also comes in]

Kyle: Wait, it seem to be sort of… they’re bunching up together. What’s happening?

Nate: Yeah. Yeah. I see the hold up. Kristen Chenoweth is singing some sort of song down there.

Vanessa: Oh, okay, let’s go by uncle Nate. Maybe you can see better. Okay? Let’s go right over here.

[Vanessa pulls their kids to another corner. As they move, the balloons turn their heads wherever they’re moving.]

Are they following us?

Cecily: Alright, um, yap. Yap, they’re definitely following us.

Vanessa: Honey, the kids are scared. Can you–

Kyle: Yes. Yes. Of course. I know they’re kind of scary up close, okay? But there is nothing to be afraid of.

Vanessa: Why don’t these balloons just leave.

[The other balloons are gone. But now, there’s a girl in Madeline balloons hand.]

Is that stupid song done yet?

Nate: Oh, man! Somebody got tangled up in Madeline’s cables.

[The girl is screaming]

Cecily: Oh my god! Is that Kristen Chenoweth?

Vanessa: Oh, that poor woman. She is so small.

Kyle: Kids, kids, Kristen Chenoweth is going to be fine. Okay?

[Kristen Chenoweth falls]

Okay, you know. Um, let’s go. Let’s go to bedroom and watch TV. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Nate: So much for defying gravity.

Cecily: Nate!

[Woody balloon and clown balloon are tangled together like they’re having sex.]

Nate: What the hell is happening.

[The End]

QVC Auditions

Joyce Childers… Cecily Strong

Joe… Bobby Moynihan

Christie Berkie… Kristen Wiig

Louis… Beck Bennett

[Starts with video title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Joyce Childers in her closet]

Joyce Childers: Hi, I am Joyce Childers and I am making this video in order to audition reel for the guest host position at QVC. As you can see, we are in my closet because, my forte is closet. Well, organization in closet. And I am realizing right now that my panties are all behind my head. And now I look like a pantie addict. Thanks, Joe!

Joe: What? I thought it was good.

Joyce Childers: It’s not good, Joe. And now you’re in my shot. So, let’s just do it again. Please, just let’s do it again.

[Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]

Christie Berkie: Hi. I’m Christie Berkie. And this is my audition reel for guest host for QVC. Right away, I just wanna say I do know that my friend and neighbor Joyce Childers is auditioning as well. She is an amazing person. But I do think she is– no. I’m not gonna say anything bad. No. I’ll just say that all of my friends think that– no. I just said I wasn’t gonna say anything bad. She is what she is. You can always just google her, which I think you should, and stuff will come up. I love her.

Um, okay, accessories. We are currently in my necklace room. And what I wanna show you is–

[dog crying]

Oh, my god! I just stepped on the dog. He can’t be here, Louis!

Louis: I didn’t know.

Christie Berkie: Peanut has to be in his crate. And now that’s one point for Joyce coz I look like a dick that kicks dogs in the butt. Great! Start over. Cut. Great, Louis.

[Cut to with title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Joyce Childers. She has her panties removed this time]

Joyce Childers: Hi, it’s me Joyce, future QVC host. I just– I ant you guys to know that QVC is my number one dream and every single person that knows me has said that I was born to do this. And there are people out there that are okay with like, hijacking dreams because– um– [breathing heavy] I have to– um, I have to get out of here. I can’t breathe.

[Joe walks in]

Joe: Are you okay?

Joyce Childers: No. Joe! Please don’t come over here. You stress me out. Just… I gotta go. Walk around. Just, please do not follow me and do not touch anything. I am fine. Okay.

[Joyce Childers walks out]

[Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]

Christie Berkie: Hey guys, it’s your gal pal Christie Berkie here to show you how to dress up any work outfit and give it a touch of sparkle and glam with clip-on glamour baubles. [Christie Berkie shows a necklace] Look how this glistens in the sunlight.

[Joyce Childers is peeking through the window glass]

Was that Joyce? Did I just see Joyce in our window?

Louis: That was Joyce.

Christie Berkie: What is that bitch up to? Anyway, we’ll cut around all this. Okay. This imitation crystal pieces will enliven any–

[Joyce Childers throws dirt on Christie Berkie’s window and looks at her.]

I see you! I see you, get over here!

[Joyce Childers opens the window]

Joyce Childers: What?

Christie Berkie: What are you doing? What are you even doing?

Joyce Childers: What are you doing? Stealing dreams that friends know is for me?

Christie Berkie: That is not good English. You will never make it with that kind of English on QVC.

Joyce Childers: [mocking] “On QVC, on QVC.” That’s what you sound like. Get your own life.

Christie Berkie: I have it! I have a life. Stop talking about that because I have it.

Joyce Childers: Maybe I should take it away! You see what this is in my pocket? [trying to bluff]

Christie Berkie: I don’t know what that is Joyce. Okay? I have no idea.

[Joyce Childers lifts her shirt a little. We can see a gun handle out of her pocket]

Joyce Childers: What do you think that handles to?

Christie Berkie: Oh, is that you gun? Is that what that is? Louis, she brought her gun. Surprise! Surprise! I guess she’s going to kill another person on accident.

Joyce Childers: Well, if I do it, will you stop stealing?

Louis: Joyce, don’t be a fool.

Christie Berkie: Look, this is all going to QVC. This is all going to QVC, Joyce.

Joyce Childers: No, it’s not.

Christie Berkie: Yes, it is. This is my audition tape. And I can have it be whatever I want.

[Joe walks in]

Joe: Honey, what are you doing here?

Christie Berkie: Your wife is going to shoot us through our window.

Joe: Ah! It’s not a real gun. It’s from a play I’m directing.

Christie Berkie: Oh, my god! Joyce! You are such a joke!

Joyce Childers: Oh, really? Well, you wanna know what’s a better joke? Your husband is gay and I know it because he is sleeping with my husband.

[Joe and Louis walk away]

I hear them every night in our baby’s room just going, “Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I want it.”

Christie Berkie: Stop it.

Joyce Childers: Okay, Christie, are you going to send that to QVC? Coz I’m sure they’ll love that.

Christie Berkie: Get out of my house!

Joyce Childers: [screaming] Ah!

[Cut to QVC video bumper]

[Cut to Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie hosting the show together]

Christie Berkie: Well, guys, that hour just flew.

Joyce Childers: I guess that’s just what happens when you guest host QVC with your best friend.

Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie: Keep shopping, you guys.

Kristen Wiig’s Thanksgiving Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Steve Martin

Will Forte

Indian… Kyle Mooney

Paul Revere… Alex Moffat

Benjamin Franklyn… Beck Bennett

Sacagawea… Melissa Villaseñor

Viking… Bobby Moynihan

Columbus… Kenan Thompson

Napoleon… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so wonderful to be back here hosting SNL for the econd time. But I specially love being here right before Thanksgiving. Yuu might not know this about me, some of you might know, but I am what they call a ‘Thanksgiving freak.’ I am a real turkey head. So tongiht I wanted to sing for you a song my family always sings every year. Can I have my ukulele and a stool please? [She gets a ukulele and a stool] Oh, great. Here we go. Yeah. And I think we can all agree thanksgiving is the most magical Thursday of the year. And– yYou know, I’m actually going to go with my personal guitar, is that here?

[Kristen Wiig gives the ukulele away and gets a rock double neck electric guitar]

My family told me facts about thanksgiving I bet you didn’t even know. By the way, I should mention I was raised by wolves. Um, near wolves. You know, maybe I’ll go back to the first one. Go back? Yeah.

[Kristen Wiig gives the guitar away and gets the ukulele again]

And can I lose the stool? Can you take that? Okay. I’d like to take us back to the first thanksgiving where it all began. In ancient Egypt. You konw what? I was wrong about the ukulele. I’m sorry. Can someone take this? [Kristen Wiig gives away the ukulele] Thank you very much.

[band playing guitar]

[singing] The first thanksgiving was in pyramid rock
The Indians and pilgrims said, “Let’s eat on this rock [an Indian walks in]
Paul Revere said “Dinner’s served, let’s all say grace.” [Paul Revere walks in]
Ben Franklyn brought salad, Paul slapped him in the face [Ben Franklyn walks in with salad, and Paul Revere slaps him]

The pilgrims charged everyone a thanksgiving fee [Sacagawea walks in]
but Sacagawea used her coins and said, “This one’s on me.”

Kristen Wiig:Then vikings showed up on a double decker bus [A Viking walks in]
they said,

Viking: If we don’t eat those turkeys, they’re going to eat us.

[awkward silence]

Kristen Wiig: And that’s why we eat turkey.

It was…

All: …Thanksgiving
The first thanksgiving
they were unforgiving
in their love of stuffing

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The second thanksgiving was in 1492
there were 10 kinds of meat, like they had murdered a zoo
Columbus was there, he had sailed from Korea [Columbus walks in with Korean flag bandana on] 
with Mina, Pinta, Santa and Maria [They all walk in]

This I know for sure, I told this to Lorne
The second thanksgiving , aliens beamed down the corn. [two aliens walk in with corns in their hands]
The Napoleon showed up, so he brought the ice cream [Napoleon walks in with ice cream in his hand]
strawberry, vanilla and chocolate in between

You see why? Coz pink, white and brown, those are the colors of the French Flag.

All: And that’s thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
it ain’t city living
unless you live in the city

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The third thanks giving was in 1953
and people gathered

Steve Martin: [interrupting] Oh, Kristen. Kristen. I am so sorry.

[cheers and applause]

It’s not necessary. But thank you. I just– I really– I just needed to stop you for a second because you have not gotten one fact correct in this song. Not one. You know, and if you don’t get your facts correct, you’re just going to end up like one of those sites on the internet, what is that?

Kristen Wiig: Like, fake news?

Steve Martin: No, I like that. But I- I just worry about your song. You’ve got to get the facts correct, so I’m a little bit worried about.

[Will Forte walks in]

Will Forte: Yeah, you know, I’m worried too. Less applause than Steve Martin. Gonna remember that. Kristen, I was just listening with Steve… Martin, that I just say Steve, we’re friends. And I agree, Kristen. At least two of your facts were wrong.

Kristen Wiig: Guys, I know I adjusted a few facts so they would rhyme, like any true historian. But won’t you both please sing with me? Please?

Will Forte: Ah! I’d be happy to sing with my friend Steve here. Hit it!

[singing] The fourth thanks giving was in 1969 

Steve Martin: The turkey was high and I was high too

Kristen Wiig: FDR was upset he spilled cranberry sauce

Steve Martin: But he had the first napkin, thanks to Betsy Ross.

Kristen Wiig: The three wisemen brought frankincense and pie

Steve Martin: Hey, don’t say the word pie to someone who’s high

Kristen Wiig: Wait, there’s something I just realized while singing this song
thanksgiving never really happened, it was in our hearts all along

All: And that’s, thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
the perfect history of thanks giving
so have a hippy happy hoppy thanksgiving

We have a great show for you tonight. The XX is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Donald Trump Prepares Cold Open

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

General Dunlap… Mikey Day

Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?

Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?

Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.

Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?

[General Dunlap enters]

General Dunlap: Here he is.

Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.

General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.

Donald Trump: Sure.

General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.

Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.

General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.

[General Dunlap walks out]

Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.

Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.

Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?

Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!

Donald Trump: Every single one?

Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.

Donald Trump: How long is that wall?

Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.

Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?

Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.

Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.

Peter Chucksell: Okay.

[Peter Chucksell walks out]

Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]

Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?

Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.

[Mitt Romney walks in]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.

[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]

Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?

Donald Trump: I don’t think so.

Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.

[Mitt Romney walks out]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.

Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.

[Mike Pence walks in]

Mike Pence: Hello, sir.

Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?

Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.

Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.

Mike Pence: Absolutely.

Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.

Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.

Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.

Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.

Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.

Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Scrapped?

Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.

Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.

Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.

Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.

Mike Pence: Don’t do it?

Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.

Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?

Mike Pence: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Anderson Cooper 360

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Gloria Borger… Cecily Strong

David Axelrod… Kyle Mooney

Dana Bash… Kristen Wiig

Kayleigh McEnany… Kate McKinnon

Van Jones… Kenan Thompson

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper with five participants to his show in the set]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening and welcome to Anderson Cooper 360. It’s been 10 days since the election and we are covering every moment of Donald Trump’s Transition. Joining me tonight at two gib ugly desks are CNN Chief Political Analyst, Gloria Borger.

[She is busy on her phone.]

Gloria Borger: Yeah, uh-huh. Sure.

Anderson Cooper: Former advisor of President Obama, David Axelrod

David Axelrod: Hi, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: CNN Chief Political Correspondent, Dana Bash.

Dana Bash: It’s Dana, for some reason.

Anderson Cooper: Trump supporter, Kayleigh McEnany.

Kayleigh McEnany: Thank you. I am smug to be here.

Anderson Cooper: And former Obama Administration Official, Van Jones.

Van Jones: I’m the good one.

Anderson Cooper: Now, this has been an unprecedented week, but we at CNN are here to hold Donald Trump accountable. Let’s start with some breaking news. Donald Trump wants top secret security clearance for his kids, even though they’re also running his business. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: Uh- this isn’t like when Trump called women fat. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares. But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Um, more breaking news. The entire KKK is planning a parade to celebrate Trump’s win. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he asked for security clearances for his kids. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Sorry, more breaking news. Donald Trump may force all Muslims to register in the United States. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when the entire KKK threw him a parade. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Breaking news again. Steve Bannon, a white nationalist has been named Trump’s Chief Strategist. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he wanted to put all the Muslims on the list. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Looks like we have some more breaking news. I– I– I’m sorry, I just had this weird memory like we keep doing the same–

[Anderson Cooper and all the participants are paused. They are not moving.]

[Two guys come in wearing a protective suit.]

Pete: Which one’s malfunctioning?

Mikey: One on the glasses has skipped out of his loop. He was starting to remember.

Pete: Alright, let’s get it back to programming.

Mikey: Bring in the replacement host.

[Pete and Mikey walk out with Anderson Cooper]

[Jake Tapper walks in as substitute host]

Jake Tapper: I’m Jake Tapper. Breaking news, Donald Trump has settled a massive fraud lawsuit for $25 million. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

[The End]

Jheri’s Place

Leslie Jones

Dante… Dave Chappelle

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Benjamin… Mikey Day

Inspector… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Leslie briefing the staff]

Leslie: Listen up, Jheri’s Place staff. The health inspector is coming today and I need this place to be clean, understand? Because lately we’ve had a lot of complaints about hair in the food and that cannot happen.

[Dante, Kenan and Aidy have long curly hair and they are spraying on it]

Dante: Oh, don’t even look at me Donnie. You know whose fault that is.

Kenan: Yeah, all signs pointing to Benjamin.

Aidy: What the hell, Benjamin?

[Benjamin is looking at them confused. He has very short and well cut hair.]

Benjamin: What? Me?

Leslie: Let’s not point fingers.

Benjamin: I think it was Dante.

Dante: Excuse you. The only thing I’m doing is standing here looking so god damn beautiful.

Leslie: Oh, the health inspector is here.

[Inspector walks in and he finds a bundle of hair.]

Inspector: [bad accent] Oh, oh. We are not off to a great start.

Leslie: Benjamin!

[Cut to Inside SNL video bumper]

[Cut to Beck reporting the incident]

Beck Bennett: And that about does it for the Jheri’s place sketch here at Studio 8H. In a word, ‘ouch.’ A very thin premise beset by technical slip-ups and performance issues. Let’s now go live to the post-sketch conference and we start with a statement from Dave Chappelle.

[Cut to the post-sketch press conference like that of boxing or MMA fights.]

Dave Chappelle: Um, hello. That was a tough one. But, you know, we’re going to keep out heads down and just look forward, keep moving on to the next sketch.

Alex: So, Dave, what do you think went wrong out there tonight?

Dave Chappelle: Well,  for starters, it was the wigs, man. I think we relied on the wigs too much, you know. You got to realize a wig can’t carry in a tight sketch. I knew that, and I take responsibility for that.

Bobby: Okay, well, speaking of mistakes, Leslie, can you tell us what happened with your late line there?

Leslie Jones: I didn’t mess up.

Bobby: Okay, well, let’s take a look at the replay.

[Cut to the replay where Leslie gets confused with her dialog in the middle]

[Cut back to the conference]

Yeah, it really seems like you were having trouble with the cue cards there.

Leslie Jones: Alright, look. ‘SNL’ knew what they was getting into when they hired me, okay? You know what I’m saying? You’re talking cue cards right now? Really? We’re talking about cards? That’s not the sketch. You talking about cards? Man! Next question.

Alex: Kyle, you took a big swing with the accent right there. Tell me, what was going through your head?

Kyle Mooney: Um, I guess I just didn’t have it today.

Alex: Well, do you think you will find it for the remainder of the show?

Kyle Mooney: [bad accent] I don’t know, you– Nope! I don’t think so.

Bobby: Aidy, you were quoted earlier in the week as saying this sketch was a heater and was going to break the internet. Do you think either of those things came to pass?

Aidy Bryant: [staring at Bobby] Next question.

Alex: Dave, you’re a comedy legend, why this sketch?

Dave Chappelle:  Man, the wig was funny, alright? I put it on, I really thought I was going to be the next David S. Pumpkins. Clearly I was wrong.

Mikey Day: Any questions for me? Mikey Day?

Bobby: No. Kenan, I have to ask, with all your experience on the show, could you have done anything to save this?

Kenan Thompson: Yo, I ain’t got time for this. I been on this show for 62 years. And you going to dwell on this? Come on, man! I got to go get ready for my Puerto Rican Peter Pan sketch. Yeah, yeah. You laughing New York, y’all can kiss my ass.

[All the cast members leave]

Male voice: We’ll be back with more SNL.

[The End]